Archives

February 20, 2014
Love Time

All I can say is, we definitely buck the Virginia trend here in casa Johnson. This "tween mortification moment" brought to you by the happy parents council.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2014
Oops

Of all the people to get mixed up about, I can't think of a worse choice. I mean, the man is famous for holding big guns and shouting at people. Live TV win!

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2014
Seems Legit

This just in: The norks have conquered the sun. I'm sniffing either a hoax or a mistranslation, but it is North Korea. They're pretty much capable of any wacky thing as far as I'm concerned.

Posted by scott at 09:48 AM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2014
The More You Know...

I guess the take-aways from this are: a) don't ride the luggage carousel, b) if you do, the cops will come sniffing around, c) get the hell out of the airport if you go for a ride.

Me, I'm going with a, but that's because I have a mortgage and responsibility and stuff.

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2014
Your Thought for the Day

Southerners in a snow storm:

Posted by scott at 06:27 AM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2013
Boing!

8 ball, side pocket.

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2013
Fun with Pagemaker

To tell the truth, I'm not completely sure anyone even uses Pagemaker. Maybe if they did these things wouldn't happen. Then again, being more efficient often means people just screw up faster.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2013
Get Off My Lawn

Well, in his defense it did take some thirty years to turn these predictions into a collection of howlers. Like: "Baloney. Do our computer pundits lack all common sense? The truth in no online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works."

Posted by scott at 06:12 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2013
Fun with Texts

On the rare times I get a wrong text I just ignore it. These people? Not so much.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2013
Because Japan!

Posted by scott at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
Straighten All The Things!

I'll admit a few of these made me itch a little, but it's nothing like what some of my friends will go through. Enjoy!

Posted by scott at 07:19 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2013
Tire Tread Sandwich

Now, this will be shocking so I want you to sit down. Ready? A McRib sandwich patty looks weird before it's cooked. I know, right, but surely this isn't just because it's a slow news day.

Posted by scott at 09:03 AM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

fark_bh-k_ezgOkfEd2g2bZHn9GWCUDE.jpg
Posted by scott at 05:17 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2013
Just Think What They Could Do with the Chunkin' Part

What happens when a bunch of engineers have a pumpkin carving contest? Pretty much what you'd expect. I liked the one with the googly eyes the best.

Posted by scott at 12:36 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2013
My Wife, Let Me Show You Her

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2013
Crash-u!

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2013
A Horror Movie, for the Rest of Us

Posted by scott at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2013
Ski On!

It's all fun and games until you notice what's happening on the hood of that car (SFW). From what I'm reading in various comments, this sort of thing is much more common than you'd at first think.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

A6g9iV4CMAAz2AT.jpg
Posted by scott at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2013
I Shall Call Them "Boobie Romeo"

Wow! Look at those cars! No, actually, I've never been accused of being subtle. How'd you guess?

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2013
So Ugly it Has to be Expensive

Introducing Marchi Mobile eleMMent Palazzo, a three million dollar monstrosity that reminds me of a dustbuster with wheels on. Do I want one? It's expensive, unique, probably unhinged in ways that aren't immediately obvious, and Italian. You do the math.

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2013
Your Smile for the Day

Posted by scott at 02:34 PM eMail this entry!
It's Funny, Eh?

Hey, folks, stereotypes are usually there for a reason. Can't say I've known any Canadians since college, and back then we treated them more like crashed aliens than anything else. I mean, it's not like the University of Arkansas is the very first place a Canadian think of when it come to college, ya know?

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2013
Tomb Stones, for the Rest of Us

Exactly why Southern cemeteries aren't studded with these things is a bit beyond me. Nobody has ever gone broke underestimating a red neck's taste. Proof positive that they don't all speak English, I guess.

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2013
Some Pig

Well, it's not like they come with labels, ya know? This actually happened to friends of ours a few years ago, although they paid about 1/10th that price, and I don't think (so far at least) it's anywhere near that big.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2013
Rate the States

Well, I guess it's a certain sort of distinction that none of the states I've lived in rate best, or worst, at anything. States Ellen has lived in? Not so much. I do think it's funny everyone seems to want to vote Texas off the island.

Posted by scott at 06:13 AM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2013
An Island, for the Rest of Us

Posted by scott at 04:01 PM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2013
Paging The Black Knight, White Courtesy Phone, Please

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
Meanwnile, in the 80s

I would not be surprised at all if this was a video in Ellen's house, back in the day. She is the QUEEN of workout videos. I also wouldn't be surprised if she knew who the lady was.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
Your Fifteen Seconds of Fame

I know I shouldn't think some of these are funny, but I do. Some scenes are NSFW, others are patently offensive. So don't watch it. Eh?

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2013
Mormons Got Game

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2013
Copy Edit Fail

Is that my new rental car, or are you just glad to see me? My luck, it'd be some retired Wal Mart greeter or something behind the counter that day.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2013
Gimmick Much?

Hey, there are advantages to owning your own space taxi, ya know? Olympic torches have always been designed to stay lit no matter what. It'll be interesting to see what sort of extremes they go to to keep one going in hard vacuum.

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

1017737_531733833567330_2126813465_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 08:37 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2013
When Shopping Carts Attack

Posted by scott at 08:01 AM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2013
Hold My Beer, and Watch This

Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
June 25, 2013
Reason 248 not to Move to Australia

Posted by scott at 07:26 PM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2013
Cake Time

Around here, Ellen would be upset if they got it right. Olivia would be, too. Of course, she's ten, so her preferences can be a bit suspect. At least everyone seems to be treating it with a sense of humor. Most of these stories seem to end with the "victim" suing everyone in sight.

Posted by scott at 05:44 AM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2013
Keepin' it Clean

And in the "slow news" day file, we have this collection of 40s-era anti-VD posters. "You can't beat the axis if you get VD." Good to know.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2013
Just Make Sure Nobody's Watching

I guess I really do miss out sometimes by skipping all the commercials. Then again, thinking about all the time I saved not watching them? I'm ok with this.

Posted by scott at 06:46 PM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2013
Hold My Beer, and Watch This

Moab, for the rest of us.

Posted by scott at 09:01 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 07:54 PM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2013
Booya! Ding-Dong!

Posted by scott at 01:13 PM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2013
Build Big

Oh, look. Someone's let the architects loose again. I'm pretty sure they meant to say the Palace of the Soviets was to be 1000 meters tall, not 100. As I recall, Hitler's "new Reichstag" would've enclosed roughly the same area as NASA's VAB. Except back then they would've had a harder time stopping rain clouds from forming inside it.

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2013
Meanwhile, in Russia...

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
May 01, 2013
Birthday Class

Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2013
The Purpose of a Fire Extinguisher Is...

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2013
Fun with Old Heroes

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2013
A Culture of 10

I love cross-cultural comparisons. Seeing what other people think of us gives me a specific sort of very useful mirror to look at. So, not only is this 10 American habits Brits will never understand worth a read, I think the rest of the articles linked at the bottom are, too. Oh, and missing curry? She needs to move out to Herndon, aka "New Herndeli."

Posted by scott at 08:00 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2013
Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia...

Posted by scott at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2013
Meanwhile, in Russia...

Posted by scott at 01:54 PM eMail this entry!
March 20, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

ddav.jpg
Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2013
Distance Wank

As with guns, when misbehaving, always be aware of what is in front of AND BEHIND you (SFW). I've always gone with the assumption that my work computer's internet connection is monitored, and browsed accordingly. I'm pretty sure it's actually not, but why take the chance?

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2013
Coffee Made From Snow

Well, if this is what North Koreans believe, no wonder they're so weird. The tone, content, and bizarre asides jibe well with what I've read about the place, so I'm leaning toward calling it "legit." Just how many North Koreans actually believe this stuff is hard to judge. And if they have to pay to see it, or need a TV, it really won't matter as the vast majority of Best Korea's citizens can afford neither.

Posted by scott at 08:56 AM eMail this entry!
Throw It!

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2013
Boing!

Not content with the various broken bones and dislocations they provide separately, someone has combined the pogo stick and the scooter into a single device. Sometimes I'm happy to say "I'm way too old for that s-."

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2013
~ One of These Things is Not Like the Others ~

I believe the term "that's a lot of woman" is appropriate here. She looks like she's having fun, why the hell not?

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2013
Hipsters on the Pope

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2013
Meanwhile, in Sweden

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2013
Beauty Fail

Posted by scott at 11:20 AM eMail this entry!
Fun with Purple

I guess it's true, people really did talk like Austin Powers back in the 60s. I was but a wee lad at the end of that decade, and I fail to recall such colorful elocution. Then again, in 1969 the best I could do was probably "mama," so I'm probably not one to judge.

Posted by scott at 07:08 AM eMail this entry!
February 19, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

funny-government-dumb-politicians.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:13 AM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2013
Seems Legit

Watch out, folks, that snazzy new Iranian fighter jet has made its first flight. You know it's pretty bad when the aviation media goes on record that it's an RC model. But it's not meant for us, it's meant for the Iranian public. That said, from what I've read about Iran, the Iranians don't believe it all that much, either.

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2013
Meanwhile, in Russia...

Posted by scott at 11:16 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

71878_620448447972599_929776076_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 08:23 AM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2013
Hey, ya'll... watch this!

Posted by scott at 07:27 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2013
Cupid's Undies Run

My VERY first race ever and I'm running in the cold, in my UNDERWEAR!

Please consider a donation no matter how big or small, every little bit helps!

And yes, there will be photos of proof I ran in my underwear in February!

Make a donation today!

For more information on the race, use this link.

Thank you!

Posted by Ellen at 04:06 PM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2013
Saturday Morning Memoriea

Posted by scott at 06:17 PM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

BBvH65BCMAAWNRn.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2013
Beats a Jesus Statue

Scottish authorities to seal: "Wanty bolt!"

Seal to authorities: Am away hame!

Something tells me it might get a bit smelly in there. Seals aren't known for their hygiene. Well, they're not to me, at any rate.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 10:36 AM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2013
Double Up

Phone too cumbersome to use as an actual phone? Here's a gizmo to help. A phone for your phone. Ellen will want three.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2013
My Wife, Let Me Show You Her

Posted by scott at 12:33 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2013
Let's Hear It for VJays!

It's like they're trying to describe the far side of the moon.

Posted by scott at 10:01 AM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2013
Burgers... in... Space...

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2013
That Worked Well

HOA to local paper: Don't you dare print anything about us. If I see so much as our name...

Local paper: Oh-no-you-dih'-unt!

Pretty obvious whoever is in charge of this HOA is a freaking maniac. Local papers usually play ball with the politically connected a lot easier than this.

Posted by scott at 07:05 PM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
December 18, 2012
And Now, Your Moment of Zen

Posted by scott at 10:42 AM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2012
Hey, Watch This!

Warning: very "blue" language, but otherwise SFW.

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
Doh!

Funny only because it seems he'll be ok: a Polish man was recently admitted to a hospital after he "answered his iron." And no, that's not a euphemism. The phone rang and he put the iron to his head. To add insult to injury, he then proceeded to bash his head on the door frame trying to get water on the burn.

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2012
When Editorial Standards Attack

And now, proof that the MSM really is all that stands between us and a takeover by The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. It's... it's like they're not even human, they're so good.

Posted by scott at 09:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2012
Derp in a Truck

There's "turning to crime because you're too dumb to do anything else" stupid, and then there's this guy.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
Fashion Fun

Yeah, most of the time you really shouldn't dress up for portraits. The thing is, thirty years from now the pictures taken this year will look just as dorky. It's all about smiling and remembering, after all.

Posted by scott at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2012
Another Thought

qozon8.png
Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

I think UK Christmas parties must be a lot more fun than the ones we have in the US.

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2012
China Meme

It looks like the Chinese are pretty proud of their aircraft carrier. You know, the one that'd never be turned into an actual ship, never be made operational, and was at least three years away from launching aircraft? Yeah, that one. Meh. Carriers are neat. I'd be proud, too.

Posted by scott at 07:56 AM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2012
When Memes Attack

And now, a list of 32 "best internet memes of 2032". At my house, Ellen and Olivia have both driven #9 completely into the ground. They should also start a "precious wee" meme, for the same reason.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2012
Yan Can't Cook

It's all fun and games until the dumplings start to explode. Another unexpected feature of the modern world: getting a look at the entire world's local access programs.

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2012
Only In NY!

The magical specks of color that float down the city streets are normally just a mishmash of multicolored confetti, but this year, shredded confidential documents from the Nassau Police Department were also in the air.

The worst part is that the documents were shredded horizontally, so they were still highly readable. Some strips that stuck to parade attendees contained Social Security Numbers of officers and others detailed crimes like a pipe bombing in the Kings Grant area of Long Island.

So much for responsible recycling!

Posted by Ellen at 09:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 04:00 PM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2012
A Tradition, for the Rest of Us

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2012
Ride On

Like the Fark headline says: Here's an amusement park ride where women get off before the ride is even over.

"So? How was the ride?"

"Slick!"

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 02:05 PM eMail this entry!
Dude. Wait, What?

Should I not do that? Was that wrong? Even a quick perusal of the article will reveal that, why yes, alcohol was almost certainly involved. With a day-old conviction for DUI and driving on a suspended license, you can already tell this person's decision making skills are... sub-standard.

Posted by scott at 05:33 AM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2012
Whee! New Windows!

Around here, we call this "Tuesday." Well, ok, yes, I guess we actually call it "any day that ends with a 'y.'" But we have fun!

Posted by scott at 03:39 PM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2012
Oops

You know you're getting old when you realize this used to ALWAYS be the reason for a kid not being at the bus stop to be picked up. Sadly, that is by far no longer the case.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2012
Fun With Panzers

It looks like being German was no protection against standard youthful incompetence. General Abrahms, I think was the source of this joke: "Take any average tank crewman, give him an anvil, and fly him out into the middle of a desert and leave him alone for four hours. It's the middle of the desert, they're all alone, it's just a lump of iron, and he has no tools. I promise you, when you pick him up, the anvil will be broken."

Posted by scott at 06:08 PM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

a5ljkq.jpg
Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
Fun with Storms

And now, the lighter side of hurricane Sandy. It seems to include ALL the footage that was used to make those silly storm-related pictures we all saw two weeks ago. Laughter definitely beats the alternative.

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2012
Look Out!

It's official: absolutely nothing is safe on Russian roads. Their traffic accident footage is epic. I still can only guess that it's an insurance quirk that sees so many of these cameras in use on Russian roads.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
Gotcha!

Sometimes more efficient communications just means you screw up faster. Bonus: the article notes the photo of soldiers guarding the Tomb of the Unknowns was taken in a summer shower in September.

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

292787_459360557448368_1373367363_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 02:25 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2012
Low Bridge

Best. Street camera placement. EVAR!

Posted by scott at 02:28 PM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2012
Now That's a Monument
Posted by scott at 05:35 PM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2012
Nice Work if You Can Get It

The things college-aged writers do for money: Let's see how well cereal holds up after its expiration date has passed, sometimes by more than twenty years. Said author seems to have made it through with flying colors, although I wonder how many extra trips to the bathroom may have resulted the next day.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2012
Too Much Time on Their Hands

Having solved all other animal cruelty problems, PETA is taking on the abusive, slavish relationship pokemon have with their trainers. Because, as you all know, stuffing magical fantasy creatures into red-and-white balls and tossing them at things is the height of animal cruelty.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

ramirez_20121005.jpg
Posted by scott at 05:48 PM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Funny. From the media reports, I thought all they talked about was Big Bird?

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2012
21st Century Problems

You know time has marched on when a pop singer outbids NASA for a ride. Assuming it's true, of course. TFA doesn't seem to mention how long she'll be staying up there. For 53+ mil, hopefully it'll be for a couple of days, at least.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
September 28, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 11:11 AM eMail this entry!
Check Your Work

This is why the marketing department should never be put in charge of anything: a new Motorola ad claiming Apple Maps can't find an address is using one that doesn't exist at all. It's Manhattan, too! Everyone knows the addresses there, right?

Posted by scott at 07:14 AM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2012
He Broke the Truck

Posted by scott at 06:06 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2012
XKCD, 20k Feet Edition

Those of you who, like me, got tired of scrolling around a whole lot of nothing with today's XKCD comic may find this helpful. Slashdot's calling it the world's biggest web comic ever. Not sure I can disagree with that.

Posted by scott at 04:40 PM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

228975_10152110074120571_1254755248_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 09:14 AM eMail this entry!
September 14, 2012
Game Show Fun

Some of them are incredibly well-known, but I'd never seen most of them. I loves me some game shows!

Posted by scott at 04:27 PM eMail this entry!
When Increments Attack

Posted by scott at 12:35 PM eMail this entry!
Now That's a Partnership

A Vietnamese car wash owner got busted for a particularly original "customer loyalty" plan. I guess women in Vietnam don't really get their car washed all that often. And by "car washed," I bloody well mean CAR WASHED. Stop giggling. Geeze, you'll pass out!

Posted by scott at 06:59 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

I guess it says more about me, that this reminds me of so man of my friends.
Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

394309_376173912456657_1087749448_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 09:53 AM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2012
Oops

What I want to know is, how many people let this one get by before it ended up in print? Back when I worked with a non-profit, I seem to remember several committee meetings with at least six people on each before something went to print. Yes, they were a bunch of prissy wannabes, but still.

Posted by scott at 12:40 PM eMail this entry!
Sunflowers, You Say?

An elderly German farmer apparently got the surprise of his life when authorities notified him what he thought were sunflower seeds had turned into marijuana plants. This supposedly happened after he tossed bird seed on the ground. If it's all true, and I am by no means sure it is, I predict a run on bird seed at every pet supply store in the US in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
September 04, 2012
Paging Ray Stevens, White Courtesy Phone Please

Wandering around naked and scaring old people is no way to go through life, son. At least this time it wasn't some 300 lb. basket case on a scooter. Bonus: Woo pig, sooey!

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
August 29, 2012
Street View Fun

I've often wondered, if you take enough pictures will you eventually snap one of everything? Google is there to provide the answer. I must admit a bit of disappointment there weren't more people in various states of undress, but I'm odd that way.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2012
A T-Shirt, for the Rest of Us

Now that's my kind of shirt. It even has a cat on it! How cool is that?

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

551050_512692292089536_1334662297_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2012
Dog Shaming

Possibly the funniest trend floating around on the web right now.

I dare you not to laugh out lout.

Posted by Ellen at 04:31 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2012
Haunted iPad

At last, the sordid tale of Kenny the Clown and Steve Jobs' iPad can be told. Yes, you heard that right. Unfortunately this poor guy's house will probably end up a stop on The Great Apple Pilgrimage Road, where the faithful go to trace The Great Ones trials and tribulations on his path to Electronic Enlightenment.

Posted by scott at 01:36 PM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2012
Well, They Know Something, That's for Sure

Today's "why'd it take this long" entry is a particularly "sexy" one (SFW). If, you know, your idea of sexy is a bunch of guys dressed up like JPL engineers and a chick in a bikini with a box on her head. And that's also a gold star for "least likely set of words in a single sentence" for me, too!

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2012
Why Why Why

Google. Is there anything it can't do? Using Google's auto-fill statistics as a predictor of US state stereotypes is great fun (Arkansas isn't interesting enough to warrant more than one thing), but even better is the first comment, who's author should win a prize for "Best. Internet. Snob. Evar!"

Posted by scott at 08:23 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Wl_70yJGTE29O09h4-o14A2.png
Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
August 03, 2012
Anger Management

Got popped for weed possession and resisting arrest? That's a crushin'. "[Police] said they couldn't pursue the man because their cars were crushed." With "one picture says it all" goodness!

Posted by scott at 07:46 AM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2012
Computer Repair Made Simple

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

chewie.jpg
Posted by scott at 07:32 AM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

488092_499284513434340_1343461407_n.jpg

That's why the British are a specific sort of cool.

Posted by scott at 07:49 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2012
~ 'Cause It's Only a Bird in a Bearded Cage ~

Posted by scott at 09:21 AM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

ak47.jpg
Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2012
Fun with Obama

Ya know, this is almost enough to make me want to join twitter. You know, because I don't have enough avenues to spout off to the whole world as it is. I especially liked "Heather Has Two Mommies Without Jobs."

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

iowahawktweet.png
Posted by scott at 08:05 AM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2012
Pat-Down

Why, yes, he's just glad to see you. Article is SFW but links to a (from the thumbnails) a slide show that's on the edge. Or tip, as it were. I wonder what he actually does for a living?

Posted by scott at 07:59 AM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2012
NO!

It's nice to know even famous parents have to put up with their kids' sh-. That said, putting up with it is much easier with bodyguards and nannies. On the other hand, my kid's meltdowns don't end up on the front pages of newspapers in the checkout line. Meh. Their lives, their problems.

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
Fun with Portraits

And in the "too much time on my hands" file, we have a guy who's made a kind of career out of bizarre portraits. Even the originating article doesn't really explain exactly what this guy is trying to accomplish. That said, the pictures are... interesting?

Posted by scott at 06:17 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
July 10, 2012
Fun with F-1

Yes, I think they'd be better served spending less time on this and more time on making sure the car goes fast and the pit crew stops f'ing it up. But this is still fun.

Posted by scott at 10:30 AM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2012
Tellin' It Like It Is

Leave it to the Aussies to leave nothing to the imagination. I do have to agree that rubbing one out on the train is... rude.

Ick.

Posted by scott at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2012
CopyWha?

Not content with copying an entire Swiss town, another developer in China has copied London's Tower Bridge. Since it is China, after all, the knock-off is smaller and doesn't do everything the original does. It probably also costs less.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2012
Don't Press That Button!

Ever wonder what it'd look like if a big-time fireworks show shot everything off all at once? Wonder no more. Fortunately, it seems that nobody got hurt. Complainers gonna complain, of course, but for me just answering the question would be worth a fireworks show that was 15 seconds long.

Posted by scott at 09:24 AM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2012
ZOMG!!!! THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!!!!

I thought panic was defined by a Southerner faced with a snow storm. This has now been topped by a Southerner faced with a week in July with no air conditioning. Background and further comments is here...

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Ellen insists this is what our living room is like when I turn the rig up to 11.

Posted by scott at 06:28 PM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2012
Don't Mess with Knitting!
Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:16 PM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2012
Girl, You Crazy!

Background story, and a second song, is here...

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2012
Redneck Rampage

Pro tip: when exiting from a failed shoplifting attempt, try not to get run over by your getaway car. Bonus: this is the Wal Mart we use most weekends for groceries. All in all, I'd rather it be a lot more boring than this. Bonus: Perp is actually from, you guessed it, New York.

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2012
Fun with Photos

Well, at least now I know my family isn't the only one with a collection of awkward family photos on gramma's wall. After my grandparents passed away all those pictures were (presumably) boxed up and hidden away somewhere. But I know they're out there, somewhere, waiting to horrify an unsuspected distant relative some day.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

party-hard.jpg

No. No, I won't.

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2012
Teh Funnay!

"Adopting a hairless cat is like hiring a naked old man to walk around your apartment and never thank you for anything." -- Even more tweets are here...

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2012
Not So Different From the Real Thing

Forget whether Obama was born in the US. Ace of Spades asks the serious question: what if Obama is actually the Superman doppelganger Bizarro? With quotes like "Eca, ecanomix... Jobz? Jobz simple. Me punish job creators until they destroyed. Then me say "Ha ha ha!" Then they make jobz," one has to wonder.

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2012
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It's been awhile since Fark had a really epic "CSB" story, but the comments on "Have you ever stopped dating someone for a silly reason" is quite full of win. "She smelled like soup" is currently my fav.

Posted by scott at 02:32 PM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2012
The Last Airbenders

Problem: you have a story about officials inspecting a landscaping project, a picture of said project, and a picture of said officials, but not together.

Solution: time to go 'shopping!

The author is understandably incredulous that anyone would take this seriously, and to their credit it seems like some people in China figured it out fast enough. But that completely misses the point. The propaganda ministry isn't trying to convince hipsters, let alone foreign hipsters, of anything. They're trying to make sure the little old lady in the checkout line believes what they say. Now, think about it. I'm sure your grandma would figure this out in a heartbeat, but would all of her friends be able to do it?

And that, folks, is why this is happening.

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2012
Paging Roger Waters, White Courtesy Phone Please

The MLB season is, what, not much more than a month old and already Cubs fans are losing their damned minds. Then again, it didn't take long for the Cubs to silt down to the bottom of their division but still. Buck up, people! There's a whole lot of baseball left to play!

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
Goin' At It

Well, that's one way to prove your point: a man's effort to get his neighbors to close their windows during sex involved posting an audio file of same on the internet. Classy? Us? You really don't come around here all that often, do you? The article is SFW, but (I'm guessing) headphones would be required to listen to the file.

Meh. It's not like he posted the address. I've never completely understood why people are so put out by all this putting out. Guess I just must have a different irritation threshold.

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

phd051809s.gif

Posted by scott at 03:21 PM eMail this entry!
That's One Way to Do It

What do you do when simply taking the keys away from a teenage boy doesn't slow his driving down? If you're in a specific neighborhood in Poland, you get creative. If it fell out of there, it'd likely only improve the car.

Posted by scott at 08:07 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2012
Fun with Ferrari

Presenting the world's lightest "Ferrari." No, the quotes aren't an accident. The darned thing costs more than the original. I do like the way this one sounds, though. All throaty and stuff.

Posted by scott at 01:33 PM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
The Debate That Killed a Kitten

I gotta tell ya, I'd pay a lot more attention to our presidential debates if this was part of the scenery. You know, for the fifteen seconds or so it'd take Ellen to find something heavy to hit me with. But those would be some pretty interesting seconds, I'll tell ya...

Posted by scott at 10:28 AM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Posted by scott at 12:43 PM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2012
Julia, Julia, Wherefor Art Thou, Julia?

While by now every hipster and Obamanite has heard of Julia, the hypothetical woman who benefits from having the correct person in the White House, we haven't heard the whole story. It's a lot more interesting than you'd at first think. Especially the whole "arm-as-a-chainsaw" thing.

It's funny because that's really what it sounds like when your side talks about mine. The confused look on your face just makes me laugh harder.

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2012
Had to Be Done Eventually

Yes, Virginia, there are sharks with lasers on them. I'm with the guy who designed the brackets: if it helps pay off the R&D, gets some advertising out there, and doesn't hurt anything, why not?

Posted by scott at 03:55 PM eMail this entry!
May 01, 2012
The Best Roller Skating Commercial EVAR!!!

Posted by Ellen at 05:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2012
Mamma, What Is It?

It seems kids of all sorts have no idea what to make of a peacock. Nice to see a giant-sized freak-out, too. On kittens, it's cute but not as impressive.

Posted by scott at 10:26 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2012
Begun, the Dog War Has

All those people who took that "Romney mistreats his dog" story are pleased to be calming down now. I like the inevitable reply site even better!

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2012
Not the Brightest Bomb in the Bunch

A mid-level member of the Taliban has decided to cut out the middleman and turn himself in for the reward. Unfortunately that word does not mean what he thinks it means, and "arrestilarity" has ensued.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2012
I See What You Did There

Like they say: images matter. Sadly, the media's already playing down this particular unforced error. Me, I'm puzzled. Prostitution is legal in Columbia, and presumably even Secret Service agents get time off, even on assignment. If no laws were broken and this wasn't done on company time, what's all the fuss really about?

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

lulzsec-lulz.jpg
Posted by scott at 03:11 PM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2012
Boop Boop Boop BEEP

I really don't remember video games stinking this badly back in the day. Then again, I can remember spending a sleepless night waiting for Santa to bring us a Pong game. And playing it at 5 am in my pajamas just like it was yesterday, so I'm no real judge.

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
Fun in the Sun

Not just the kind that hangs in the sky, also the kind that is stored in a bottle. Ellen got big into the hole self-tanning thing that she claimed was needed for dance performances and such. Me, I'm pretty sure it was to make sure I got funny-looking tan lines on my hands.

Posted by scott at 12:55 PM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2012
He Put a STHPELL on me!

Sorry, can't help it, chicks coming out of anesthesia after wisdom tooth surgery are just funny. They must've changed the mix over the years, since (as I recall) all Ellen did was giggle a lot and claim they stole her tongue. When the drugs wore off, it wasn't as much fun any more.

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2012
A Job For Zombies

Posted by Ellen at 10:58 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2012
He's Not As Think as He Drunks He Is

Also making the rounds: an obnoxious drunk getting pretty damned epic with Bohemian Rhapsody. It looks like they picked him up, drove somewhere for most of an hour, and then just let him rip in the parking lot. There's a reason I play thundering music when I get that toasty. I can't hold that kind of pitch.

Posted by scott at 01:31 PM eMail this entry!
Skool Daze

Good to know a college is a college. My junior-and-above-level classes were enough like these I cringed more than a few times, and hell all I got was an arts-and-crafts degree. Oh, and those nightmares? The ones where you're sitting for a final in a class you thought you'd dropped in the first week? They'll still be with you, twenty-five years after you graduate. Sleep well!

Via B. Justin Shier (READ HIS BOOKS!)

Posted by scott at 08:35 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2012
Fun with Facebook

Pro tip: no matter how tightly you've locked your FB profile, if you say something genuinely weird, it will get out. See? You people just thought I could be weird and inappropriate. Yeah, I know, a few are probably fake. Oh, and for the record, mine have never smelled like cheddar cheese, ever.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2012
We Are the Peep Percent

The Washington Post's fourth annual "Peep Show" winners have been announced. I would've made the winning entry with more burnination and homeless people, but I'm not what you'd call sympathetic when it comes to hipsters who need to move the hell on and get a freaking...

But I digress...

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

My wife, let me show you her...
Posted by scott at 06:17 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

quote-of-the-day-beer-killing-brain-cells-cheers-norm.jpg
Posted by scott at 01:18 PM eMail this entry!
March 22, 2012
Food Fight

One of the supposed joys of traveling is eating weird stuff, because North American food is legendarily plain. Turns out, to someone not from around here, our food isn't as plain as we're lead to believe. I'd long known that Europeans think free refills and giant portions are weird. I didn't know about the Chinese and cheese. Maybe that person was from a specific part of China with no knowledge of that stringy, gooey wonderfulness?

Posted by scott at 06:26 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2012
Yeah, That's Bad

Exhibit number 34,567, "The Dumb Sh- Things Guys Do": trying to jump over a rail fence from a moving car. I'm pretty sure he destroyed his junk and literally tore himself a new one. Ah, well. He probably removed himself from the gene pool, so we at least have that.

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2012
Steam Punk Chic

Ever wonder what modern super heroes would dress like if they lived in the 19th century? Well, ok, neither did I but someone who draws better than me did. Funny. There's something they all have in common with their modern counterparts, I just can't quite put my finger on it...

Posted by scott at 10:03 AM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2012
The Tommy Edison XP- Shit Sighted People Say to Blind People

Make sure you check out the rest of Tommy's YouTube channel. I laughed my ass off at a lot of them!

Posted by Ellen at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2012
Quad Crashes

It's nice to know the cute chopper robots who'll eventually rule the planet aren't infallible. I guess all that netting and safety equipment is there for a reason.

Posted by scott at 03:39 PM eMail this entry!
What a Show!

Leave it to the Japanese to turn my current hobby up to 11. The clip is undated (as far as I could figure out), but that's a slightly older-tech chopper there, with mechanical balance controls. Which is to say, the pilot is even better than you think he is. I still wouldn't let him land one that size on my head.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2012
That's One Way to Do It

Damion gets the coveted Junk Yard No-prize for bringing us an alternative way to pull an engine. I'm pretty sure this is a salvage yard. Otherwise it's just a bunch of guys hooning about with an old, defenseless Jetta. I'm OK with that.

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2012
Amber? Is That You?

And in the, "surprised it's taken this long" file, we have a Twilight-inspired engagement photo session. Let's see, they're a) (presumably) paying their taxes, b) staying out of trouble, and c) not on my lawn. It's official, they can do whatever they want.

Posted by scott at 07:09 AM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2012
iStove

For the Apple-obsessed freak in your life who has everything: Chinese authorities have seized a large number of "Apple iPhone Stoves." Looks more like an "Apple iPhone Hot Plate" to me. I think they still make those, don't they? At any rate...

108246c25ca635879.jpg
Posted by scott at 12:00 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2012
Fun with Traffic

It turns out there actually are places with motorists who are as colorful as the ones we have here in N. VA. Of course, that's a whole state. We cram that much chaos into a geographic area that doesn't officially exist. Here's a list of some of the wackiness we put up with.

Posted by scott at 07:59 AM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

SING!!!

Posted by scott at 10:04 AM eMail this entry!
CSB!

Fark is featuring an absolutely epic "cool story, bro" thread involving roommates. I have a few wacky party stories, but was pretty fortunate in the roommate department. Oh, there were some difficult ones, but nothing all that special.

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2012
Rantomatic

Lewis Black has got that great, ranty freshness taking a look at how the media is handling Whitney Houston's death. I noticed in the grocery store on Sunday The National Enquirer was featuring more than a dozen pages going into all the gory details but, hey, at least the Enquirer never pretends to be anything it's not. All the others who sneer and make snide remarks about sleazy tabloids? Not so much.

Posted by scott at 09:31 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2012
Now, That's not Nice

An enterprising (presumably) gay person has decided to do the Mormons' practice of baptizing dead people into their religion one better by allowing anyone to "homosexualize" a Mormon. Normally I'm not all that pleased when people make fun of other peoples' faith, but I have to admit the whole "baptize by proxy" thing is definitely one of the weirder aspects of the Mormon faith. Oh who am I kidding. My bunch not only believe it's possible to be reincarnated, but to be reincarnated as a bug. Faith is weird that way sometimes.

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2012
Oops

Christmas came very early for someone as it left someone else's house: a safe bought on E-bay for $122.93 ended up containing $26,000 in cash. This seems a little fishy to me. That much cash in a wall safe that just "appears" in the world's biggest flea market makes me think, "drug dealer," and those guys are known for being... intolerant... when people lose or steal their money.

Assuming it's real at all. And yeah, someone who finds that much cash and starts blabbing about it? I'm thinking neither party in this transaction are what we'd generally recognize as genius-grade decision makers.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 10:31 AM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 03:36 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2012
Mein Pants

Even when worn by one of the most evil men in history, lederhosen look ridiculous. Any chance to make ol' Adolf look stupid is a chance worth taking in my book. Downfall parodies, FTW!

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2012
10 Years On, and Still Classy

Posted by scott at 03:28 PM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2012
Shit...

Yes... this was given to me by an Asian friend.

Posted by Ellen at 09:14 PM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2012
Coins in a Cup

The lengths guys go to distract themselves knows no bounds: take a look at how one guy deals with "noisy" neighbors. A specific sort of NSFW noisy, if you get my meaning. Dude, we learned a long time ago bare boards stink at bouncing quarters. You'll have a much easier time with a hardened surface like a piece of countertop or something.

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
A Great Høt Rød

Given enough time, not only will people think of basically everything, they'll build it, too. Witness the V8 Volvo sedan. Complete with a fresh primer finish! I'm smiling a bit broader here because not yesterday we saw a set of very expensive rims with ultra low-profile tires mounted on a different Volvo. It was a station wagon.

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
Violent Silliness

Hey, I wouldn't be a guy if I didn't occasionally engage in ridiculous childishness every once in awhile. And yes, the guy probably needs to see a psychiatrist or something. Then again, don't we all?

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2012
Oh Yeah! Dance On!

Why yes, I DID record this man dancing. He did this for a full half hour too.

Posted by Ellen at 05:39 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

iProduct.gif
Posted by scott at 05:36 PM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2012
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World

A friend on Facebook was talking about voice mail strangeness recently, but it was of the "wtf are you calling me at 7 am when I don't get in until 8" variety. I wanted to show her what REAL weirdness was, but when I went looking I couldn't find my favorite message. It'd vanished. Now it's back. The beeps are my own edits to remove genuinely personal information. So sit back and take a listen to what genuine wackiness sounds like.

This was my original entry:

One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.
Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2012
Perfectly Normal, Perfectly Healthy

Frank J. Fleming: "But how do people react to seeing millions more on food stamps? It’s not the logical, “Yay — look at all the new people I get to help with my tax dollars!” No, it’s irrational yelling about all the extra people dependent on government. To which I ask: What’s so wrong with being dependent on government?

Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2012
See Ya!

I'm sorry. It's funny.

Posted by Ellen at 06:57 PM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

409157_2850175106601_1626193525_2517460_974560234_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 03:16 PM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2012
Say What?

Yes, people really do talk like this around here. Hell, I talk like this around here.

Posted by scott at 02:21 PM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2012
Short for a Stormtrooper, Tall for a Cake

Who knew the Empire's minions could be delicious? I wouldn't feel ridiculous applauding this guy's armor. I'd be too busy munching on it. And who would've thought of a "cake" made out of rice crispy treats? My kind of sweet!

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2012
Apples Falling From the Sky

Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good iPad like that. I know of at least two people who would dance around like you'd tied their kid to that balloon, waiting for it to fall to earth. I'd pay money to watch how they'd react to a successful recovery.

Posted by scott at 12:31 PM eMail this entry!
January 12, 2012
I'm Pretty Sure It's Not Supposed to Do That

Hey, man, they're show cars. Sometimes things go wrong with show cars. Unfortunately this one won't work anymore, because all the magic smoke got out. With video!

Posted by scott at 12:10 PM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2012
Well, That's Good to Know

Iran is now claiming to have downed that drone by using flying saucers and tractor beams. And when they say "flying saucers and tractor beams," the actually mean... well, flying saucers and tractor beams, actually. No, really!

Me, I'm keeping my money on the "software bug/hardware fault that left it stuck using GPS instead of its jam-proof internal navigation" square.

Posted by scott at 06:23 AM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2012
Well, That's What it Is!

Engrish strikes again with a rather amusing/startling take on how to advertise a sale. I thought Ellen was the only one who talked that way, you know, to Amber and stuff. Somewhere in Japan there's a lot of bowing going on, and hopefully an English-speaking gaijin will get a new job.

Posted by scott at 12:14 PM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2012
Fun with Pictures

Fark started up an epic picture thread for those in mourning over the weekend's playoff results. Some of them were pretty good:

babychanging-1.jpg

163022_555384335141_196002640_31833581_3963462_n.jpg

demotivational-posters-stop-talking.jpg

Go pick out your favorites!

Posted by scott at 03:44 PM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2012
Junk in an Ancient Trunk

It would appear the ancients were no more interested in being "green" than (most of) the rest of us. The main differences, of course, were that there were a helluva lot fewer of them, and their trash typically was biodegradable. Oh, and don't miss the much older and only vaguely related article that relates how teenaged boys haven't changed a damned bit in 35,000 years.

Posted by scott at 03:32 PM eMail this entry!
When Ceiling Fans Attack

Actually, it's when ceiling fans attack idiots. The sound it makes is what really sells "teh funnay." Worst I ever did was shove a beer glass into one, around when I was this kid's age. It went off like a bomb, but nobody got hurt. This kid, not so much. His follow up shows he's got charm instead of brains. Looks like the ceiling fan is fine, although I wonder if the balance might be a little off now.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2012
HOTL, Get Yer HOTL Here!

Fark has announced its "Headlines of the Year" awards, and as usual they're worthy winners. My personal favorite: "What's the new rage in protesting, if you're a monk in China? Why, setting yourself on fire, of course. It's been done before. But monk he see, monk he do."

Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
December 25, 2011
Aunt Chippy Wraps Some Presents

Posted by Ellen at 01:11 PM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2011
12 Days Of Christmas Pet Style!

Jupiter the cat and his friends sing their latest hit!

Posted by Ellen at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2011
Just Don't Drop It

It never ceases to amaze me that, after a lifelong study of WWII aviation, there are still things out there to be discovered. Can't do that as easily nowadays, since I'm pretty sure wood (or even metal) won't stand up all that well hanging from a modern jet fighter. Then again, maybe a scrubbed-out drop tank would do the trick.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

392338_2674678979659_1036726434_2823148_1640833462_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 09:58 PM eMail this entry!
December 19, 2011
Tacky? Me?

0W9l9.jpg

No, I'm Buddhist. It means I'm coming back as a bug, not going to a "heated room."

Posted by scott at 11:59 AM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2011
Not Your Average Snowmen

Posted by Ellen at 05:35 PM eMail this entry!
December 16, 2011
Ho-Ho- OH NO!!!!

Posted by Ellen at 09:17 PM eMail this entry!
You Light Them All From Your Left

Posted by Ellen at 08:58 PM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2011
Meant to Do That!

Today's "head explodes with candy" moment comes to us courtesy of a clumsy panda cub. As if there's any other sort of panda cub. Looks like the panda's fine. I guess they bounce pretty well at that age.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2011
Piggybank of America

Witness the wonders of finance in a multi-child household. Because Olivia's our only one, our jobs are much simplified. Which is not an accident. She tends to trade on good behavior and grades to get what she wants. We're fine with that, it provides the right incentives.

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2011
Stamo's Guide to Snuggling

Posted by Ellen at 03:11 PM eMail this entry!
A Sequel, for the Rest of Us

Chris W. gets a no-prize that'll fizz when he shakes it for bringing us the latest antics of those diet soda guys. It definitely looks like Coke Zero has more energy in it than Diet Coke. That trigger mechanism seems pretty cool, too. I wonder what those plastic rods are for?

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2011
It's Time to Play the Music, Comrade

This just in: the Muppets are a Marxist front organization. An amusing example of people taking themselves way too seriously, or an embarrassing example of my side coughing up the ball? I guess it all depends on which side of the peanut gallery you're sitting.

Posted by scott at 12:24 PM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2011
Tonka Truck

Great. Now we'll start seeing ridiculous little pickup trucks wandering around the mall soon. These cars make sense in the downtown of the dense ancient cities of Europe, which naturally means they're quite common in my suburban Virginia environs. It must be a damned interesting commute in one of these things on the toll road, that's all I'm saying.

Posted by scott at 04:15 PM eMail this entry!
Cannonball Run

Fans of the show will nod and note it was really only a matter of time: the Mythbusters finally blew a hole in the wall of someone's house. Nobody was hurt, but I'm sure their insurance company is not in a happy place right now. Here's to hoping they're able to keep doing the show!

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2011
Which One O' Youz da U Boat Captain?

Lord bless this, thy Wikipedia, without which we would never have known about the U-boat that visited Rhode Island before setting back out to sea and sinking six freighters, in daylight, on the surface, surrounded by US destroyers. Funny because, remarkably, absolutely no-one got hurt in the operation. Remarkably, U-53 survived the war and died "in its bed," turned into razorblades in 1922.

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2011
That's Some Expensive Pasta

Funny because nobody got seriously hurt: an exotic car outing ends in a spectacular smash-up. The cars are expensive not just because they're fast. Some of that engineering definitely goes into making them safer. In other words, if you're going to have a crash going 100+ mph, you could do a lot worse than one of these.

Japan is famous for being ultra-strict on speeders. It wouldn't surprise me if people ended up in jail over this.

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2011
Infommercial Only Shown At 3 AM

Posted by Ellen at 08:57 PM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2011
Epic Featherbed

Amazing it's only been a year, but Damn You Autocorrect is celebrating it in style. I'm still not completely convinced any of them are real, but Ellen goofs autocorrect often enough to make me think it's plausible. Me? I've got one of those slide-out keyboards on my phone for a reason.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2011
But Did He Shoot First?

Ok, I gotta hand it to the guys over at ThinkGeek. This is really clever. Thing is, I'm pretty sure they take their models from their general staff. Which means that lady... well, that lady probably has to deal with a lot of requests for metal bikinis, if ya know wha' I mean...

Posted by scott at 07:07 PM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2011
Acting on the Field

I'm really sad they didn't make the end of this clip into a slow-mo instant replay. Funny, but basketball and soccer both have it all over these guys. Hey, what's a little drama among friends?

Posted by scott at 05:51 PM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2011
Tourettes Karaoke

Some people take medicine, this man does karaoke!

Posted by Ellen at 07:45 PM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2011
Let Them Sparkly Bells Ring

Coming to a bridal shower near you: Bella's Twilight wedding dress is now for sale. I think Amber will need to renew her vows for this one.

Posted by scott at 07:18 AM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2011
Poof Ping

News you can use: women's "gaydar" accuracy varies with their hormonal cycle. Can't be true. Requires women to be wrong, which all married men know just doesn't happen.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Bumper-Sticker-Peoria-AZ-Annoy-a-Liberal.jpg
Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2011
Yep, for sure!

28665_1448907670221_1459102178_31159591_8187858_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:55 PM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2011
Ellen's Life, Let Me Show You It

picture.jpg
Posted by scott at 07:02 PM eMail this entry!
Weighty Knowledge

This just in: Amazon's Kindle reader actually weighs more when it's full of books. Admittedly, not much more, but it does make for a nifty scientific prediction. First, though, we have to find a scale that can measure in attograms. Yeah, you heard me. I did spell it right!

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2011
As *IF*

Fark, irreverent? No way: "Catholic Mass liturgy to change for the first time since the 60's; will now include segment where the faithful say "Pie Iesu domine" and hit themselves in the forehead with a board." Linking to this story.

Posted by scott at 05:41 PM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2011
When Costumes Attack

So, how many Internet memes can you spot? My pop-culture-fu is weakening, I had to read the caption on nearly all of them. I did think "Asian father" and "the real 1%" were funny.

Posted by scott at 04:23 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

6a00d834515ae969e20153928d24c4970b-pi.jpg

Via Cobb.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
Miss USA and Math

While we here at AMCGLTD are perfectly aware this is parody. Or is it?

Posted by Ellen at 05:11 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2011
Now That's Fresh Produce

Only in Alaska: grocery store business stopped due to bear cub in the produce section. Me, I'd be much, MUCH, more worried about where momma bear was at that particular moment. Then again, it's nice to see it's not just human babies that can end up in the damnedest places when you turn your back on them.

Posted by scott at 07:04 PM eMail this entry!
October 12, 2011
You Are Here... Maybe

A family got so lost in a corn maze (maise maze?) they had to call 911 to be rescued. Pro tip: if you never want to get lost in a maze again, hold a finger against a wall and keep it there as you walk. You will find the center, and your way out. I got that from an old AD&D manual decades ago, but I have tried it and it does work. If I jog I can usually beat the "expert" time easily.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Mike J. gets a no-prize that's a-changin' for bringing us this most welcome riposte.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
October 07, 2011
Your Thought for the Day
Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

310713_10150322116251641_500056640_8388514_1248932776_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought Of The Day-Map Version

298575_2451813297048_1303489680_2871267_954537306_n.jpg
Posted by Ellen at 05:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2011
I GOt Your Protest, Right Here

As expected, the Foo Fighters were creative in their response to the Westboro wackos' protest. Still, doesn't quite seem fair to get front seats to an ipromptu concert just because you're a nutjob. Ah, well.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
September 15, 2011
A Møøse once Stole My Svenge Set

No, realli! He was Karving his way tru apples using the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush... What? You didn't really think I'd let another chance to make Holy Grail references go by, did you? Just wait until I break out the llamas!

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

Indeed.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

var Picture = Words(1000);

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2011
Even More Fun with Signs

The hits keep coming in this collection of cleverly defaced signs. This time, with even more "STOP: HAMMERTIME" goodness!

Posted by scott at 08:44 AM eMail this entry!
Kevin? Is That You?

It's like something out of a cartoon: inventor found blackened, wandering the street in his underwear, after blowing up his own house. I've long known stills could be finicky, but I had no idea they were explosively dangerous. In other news, it's perfectly legal to run your own still in the UK. Try that in the US, and the revenuers'll come a-knockin'...

Posted by scott at 08:37 AM eMail this entry!
September 07, 2011
Tornado in Amsterdam, NY

Hundreds feared dead.

Why?

It hit a cemetary.

With 32 fun photos!

Posted by Ellen at 08:28 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:47 PM eMail this entry!
A T-Shirt, for the Rest of Us

Why yes, yes we are. And we'll be seeing you next November, you can be damned sure of that. Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2011
Cheech and Chong in the Office

I always tend to steer clear of the "free food in the breakroom" phenomenon, but that's just because I'm a recovering picky eater. Now I know there are even better reasons to be cautious. Or, on reflection, perhaps hidden bonuses? Sort of like a real-life version of finding hidden coins in a Mario Brother's game?

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 01, 2011
A Flow Chart, for the Rest of Us

Knowing fanatics who follow their respective teams, well, fanatically, I thought the paths to the Cowboys and the Redskins were particularly appropriate. Me? Yeah, ok, I root for the 'skins, but that's because they're the home team. Hell, if I lived in Dallas, I'd be all blue and silver most likely. College football is where I have genuine loyalty. Go Hogs!

Posted by scott at 09:55 AM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2011
Must've Been That Left Turn at Albuquerque

No wonder they can't find Kadaffi! Me, I'm surprised CNN can find its butt with both hands and a map sometimes.

Posted by scott at 10:03 AM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2011
Stay The Night

Possibly one of the funniest 80's videos out there!

I should mention we splurged. We spent an entire $8 on Amazon for this CD! Chicago 17 FTW!

Posted by Ellen at 09:36 PM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2011
A Race, for the Rest of Us

Motivation? You need motivation to exercise, punk? All right, how about 5k's worth of obstacles and zombies? That's right, maggot, zombies! DO YOU FEEL LIKE RUNNING NOW?!? DO YOU?!?

Posted by scott at 10:13 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2011
Better than Def Leppard

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2011
The Hits Keep Coming

neverforgeteq.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:00 PM eMail this entry!
Fark, FTW!

In the wake of the DC earthquake, is it too early to ask what Obama did wrong?

Gotta love dem farkers.

Posted by scott at 05:56 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

oithkwake.jpg

Posted by scott at 03:46 PM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2011
Headline Fail

Exactly how this got past the editors I'm not so sure: a Haaretz report on a Jewish youth singing competition in Israel ended up with the headline, Who will be Israel's next Jewish idol?. I dunno, I guess it's just me, but the first thing I thought of was, "wait, are they going to paint them gold? Is an angry old Jew going to come down a mountain and throw stone tablets at everyone?"

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
August 19, 2011
Low Clearance

It's bad enough when a truck driver doesn't pay attention to clearance signs before passing under a bridge. It's even less fortunate when the truck is carrying cars. Expensive cars. The underpass in front of my college's student union would snare trucks with some regularity, and it had the gouges in the ceiling to prove it. I think they eventually lowered the road to stop it from happening.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2011
When Lucy Sets the Ball

Football season is clearly upon us when the plaintive cry, "love the Redskins! They won't suck this year! We Promise!" rings all the way to the Shenandoah valley. I had to double-check the byline to make sure Redskins fanatic Chris didn't actually write it.

Yeah, right, I know I know. When Redskins fans engage in myopic hope whilst dancing on the edge of the abyss, it's sad. When Cowboys fans do it, it's a factual step onto the plains of paradise. Until it isn't. Every year.

Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
The Biggest Nom!

cute baby animals - Acting Like Animals: The Biggest Nom, the Widest Mouth
see more Daily Squee
Posted by Ellen at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2011
Why NASA Never Gets Anywhere
farside1.gif
Posted by scott at 05:03 PM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2011
~ Signs, Signs / Everywhere There's Signs ~

We've actually seen the one with the button and the bacon. Put it this way, beats the heck out of setting a police car on fire.

I think.

Posted by scott at 02:14 PM eMail this entry!
Fun with Pictures

Planking is so last May. Now we have "horsemaning." Pictures of seemingly headless belly dancers in costume will, of course, be on their way as soon as Laura and Ellen do another show together.

Posted by scott at 07:08 AM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

ODowngradev2b-600x175.jpg
I have to laugh to keep from cryin'.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2011
Dinosaurs. Satan's Pets. News at 11.

"I am a little shocked. She says she is a Christian, but the Bible doesn't say anything about dinosaurs. Should I let him keep them, as long as he understands that dinosaurs aren't real? Even the PBS shows that he watches talk about dinosaurs and evolution, and how the scientists found these "bones" but the Bible doesn't say that God ever created them, and the earth is only 6,000 years old, not old enough to have "bones" that they say are MILLIONS of years old! I know that Satan tries to trick us in many ways, and this is one way that he tries to fool man into believing that there isn't a God who created the universe. How can they be bones when they are made out of ROCKS? I told my son that dinosaurs are one of Satan's many ways of tricking man, and he must talk to God before he plays with them. Am I handling this right? My first 3 were all girls, and I adopted boys, and lots of mothers tell me that boys are often attracted to these dinosaurs. So I don't know what to do. Is this just harmless fantasy play for him, or should I be worried that he may go on to believe in things like evolution?"

Really? There are still people out there like this?

Don't forget to read the comments! Those are always the best!

Posted by Ellen at 05:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2011
When Fail is Spelled, "D-Q"

I think the judges just didn't like his technique. I don't remember that sort of thing resulting in a DQ, but memory may be failing or they may have changed the rules. Sometimes the trigger is just too hairy.

Posted by scott at 05:45 PM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2011
Angry Boobs

So, does the "Angry Birds Bra" mean they've jumped the shark, or is there more to come?(SFW) Or, you know, support... something like that. Now, if it falls apart as quickly as one of the puzzles, I may find it more interesting.

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2011
Ta-Da!

Blonde + Bentley + Monaco = Ferrari - Aston Martin - Porsche. The price of beauty is high. The price of beauty behind the wheel of an expensive luxury car driving down the streets of Monaco is quite a bit higher. "Like the fist of an angry god..."

Posted by scott at 07:23 AM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2011
Going Out Of Biz, Everything Must Go

Iowahawk: The end is nigh, and yeah, they shall tweet about it. I'd have no problem forcing policy wonks to live by their own wits, precisely because of the predicted outcome. And who knew the number 4 would make a good shiv?

Posted by scott at 11:31 AM eMail this entry!
Constitutional Nuts

A woman who refuses to pay more than $400 in fines because a cop found the plastic testicles hanging from her car obscene has set the blogosphere a-chattering. I think they're funny because they gross Ellen out. I'm classy that way.

Posted by scott at 07:18 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2011
When Aerobics Attack

This just in: vibrations caused by a Tae Bo workout caused the evacuation of an office tower in South Korea. Fitness nuts Ellen and Suzanne call that "vigorous." I tried Tae-Bo once, but I don't have the balance or coordination. I gave up on aerobics the third time one of Ellen's videos told me "you'll look great in your summer dress!" Biking, that's my ticket.

Posted by scott at 06:16 PM eMail this entry!
July 18, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

This one goes out to all my pun-loving friends...

putinbp.jpg
Posted by scott at 09:32 PM eMail this entry!
Ron? Is That You?

Recently Ron and Amber noted they saw an elderly version of themselves sitting at a Bob Evans. Now I've found a picture of what one of them will look like shortly after that. Or, you know, if Ron actually does manage to roll his Datsun off the edge of a cliff or something. I'm sure there are people who've had Razorback-themed funerals. I just can't find pictures of them.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
Here We Go Again

Now that "planking" seems to have run its course, we now have "leisure diving." Ellen and Laura, you now have your new mission. Not sure if the belly dance costumes will handle this silliness as well.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2011
I'm a Very, Very Bad Person

Ellen's favorite local new channel really hit it out of the park choosing the clipart for this story. I especially like the little bubbles. What? Well of course they'll serve beer in hell.

Posted by scott at 08:35 AM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2011
Speaking of TV Fail...

... and then there's the guy who couldn't quite untangle himself from the reporter's wires. Bonus: wearing a water-powered jet pack. I must admit that thing looks pretty sweet.

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
When Live TV Attacks

Ever wonder just how many different ways a live morning TV segment can go wrong? Wonder no more. Jeff gets the coveted Donald Duck no-prize for bringing us yet another example of how Australian TV is so cool.

Posted by scott at 08:53 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2011
When Yankees Attack Texans

From the land that brought Ellen's 9 year old sister giggling outside to ask me if my dad fed me squirrels... a Manhattan restaurant is serving a "Texan" sandwich that would be unrecognizable to anyone actually living in the state. Per usual, New Yorkers manage to make something annoying yet strangely compelling at the same time.

Posted by scott at 10:44 PM eMail this entry!
July 12, 2011
When Rich White Parents Attack

Dang, I'm slowing down... I've only said 4 of these 9 things "you should never say to a child" to Olivia. "If you don't clean you're room I'll kill you and make another one just like you" and "if you don't go across this walkway I'm going to toss you off it" were strangely absent. Bonus points?

Posted by scott at 06:22 PM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2011
Silly Signs

Well, what do you see in this collection of signs and advertisements? I only see advertisements, I don't know what the rest of you are going on about. My story, sticking to it, you sickos...

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2011
You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

Convalescents get bored, I provide: The Jefferson County Sheriff's Department said the man and a woman were in the process of burglarizing the garage on Glade Chapel Road, in Hillsboro, when they decided to have sex. While having sex, the woman sprayed the man with pepper spray. And that, folks, is how to have a party.

Posted by scott at 10:13 PM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2011
In Soviet Russia, Shark Jumps You

No, really, the shark jumped over the guy. There's a nursery rhyme in there somewhere, I'm just not clever enough to tease it out. Yet another reason to stick to swimming pools and water parks, far as I'm concerned.

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2011
Missed it!

Our Geek-Fu is... weak! We missed Tau Day! In our defense, neither one of us has mad math skillz. My last math class was college algebra, twenty-five years ago. I got a C-. Ellen says she passed calculus 1, but only by blinking big hazel eyes at the instructor.

3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 08:50 PM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2011
BOK BOK, M- F- 'er!

It's nice to see I'm not the only one married to a insurgent shopper. Suicide bargain hunters, even. The sound you heard was Ellen's and Amber's heads exploding at all the inappropriate jokes they could make to each other over the phone, scandalizing their co-workers.

Posted by scott at 05:15 PM eMail this entry!
When Microphones Attack

Personally, I like it better when politicians spew near an open mike, but this guy gets bonus points for airing out his private thoughts over an air traffic control channel. I guess it could be worse. He could've done it with the cabin mike open instead. Man, I tell you, those Southwest flights really can get interesting!

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2011
Perform This Way

Weird Al is just BRILLIANT!

Posted by Ellen at 08:08 PM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2011
Oh NOES!!!

Chris W. will be inconsolable, now that "Friday" has been removed, possibly for good. Of course, that means he'll go off and find something worse. Come back, Rebecca! Please, come back!

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2011
Me & Ellen in 2051

The best part is, Ellen doesn't think these people have an accent. Because they don't. New Yorkers make the rules, and those are the rules. Just ask Ellen! Or the Queen Mutha!

Posted by scott at 05:46 PM eMail this entry!
A List... Eat It!

Weird Al seems to have been given one of those quick-hit surveys by one of Amber's most-favorite magazines, and the results are pretty much what you'd expect. That PIN number info'll probably come in handy. The Social Security number will, too!

Posted by scott at 03:57 PM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2011
Frenzy-Gate

Look, if Jon Stewart is sending up the media's latest attempt to bury Sarah Palin once and for all, that pretty much means it's "stick-a-fork-in-it" time. Even UK newspapers have noticed the frenzied non-event may have unintended consequences for the MSM. Liberals, and unintended consequences? Say it ain't so!

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2011
Bah. That's not a Real Education

Ha! From experience, I know the difference between Southern BBQ and Yankee grilling is not technique. It's blinking at the "mutha-in-loowa" who insists there's nothing wrong and we should just eat around the squirrel's claw marks. Good times, good times...

Posted by scott at 10:02 PM eMail this entry!
The More You Know...

Oh, how many people do I know who "sound" like this? "I think even crazy people are aware of Godwin’s Law by now; they are just too crazy to care. Fight it. One easy way to identify yourself as crazy is to have no sense of scale. To a crazy person, every little bit of nonsense is a crisis of epic proportions that has to be handled right now."

What's that you say? Me? How dare you! When I declare something is a CRISIS, it's a DAMNED CRISIS!

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2011
Heheheheh... *gasp* ... Heheheheheheh

You'd think someone on the staff would've pointed out the obvious problem to the Des Plaines folks that people might misunderstand their "I *heart* DP" campaign. Sorry, if you don't get it either I'm not explaining. Just make sure you have safe search set to "max" when you try to look it up. At home. Site itself is SFW.

Posted by scott at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2011
~ Tiny Toros, in the Sand ~

And now, midget bullfighting. Oh, don't worry, no cattle were harmed in the making of the show. It's a living.

Posted by scott at 06:26 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2011
Ellen & Amber When They Were 19

Oh who am I kidding? I was dating Ellen when she was 19. Her actual video would've involved just as much emotion, but many... many... more f-bombs and gestures. Amber, however...

(Yes, I'm pretty sure it's fake, too. But it's funny!)

Posted by scott at 07:08 PM eMail this entry!
Fail, Sweet Sweet Fail

There's a reason motorcycles and bicycles have a front and rear brake. Unfortunately this guy seems to have forgotten that reason. Oh, he's fine. His crotch rocket looks to be at least mostly fine, too.

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2011
The More You Know...

Remember, folks, when in Indiana don't fear the space rays. No, really! It's gotta be a movie prop or something. The best this area can do is a, "Caution: Deaf Pedestrain" sign just off the south end of North Capitol street in the District, I think.

Posted by scott at 06:23 AM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2011
Best. Weiner. Headline. Evar

I link this because Ellen giggles every time the subject comes up: Erections have consequences!

1959.jpg
Posted by scott at 08:21 AM eMail this entry!
Hey! Wildlife Needs a Break Too, Ya Know?

Is that a bear in your hot tub? Actually, it was more like the bear found itself a convenient watering hole surrounded by an inconvenient fence. So, hot tub owners, next time you find yourself annoyed at cleaning the bugs out, just remember it could be worse!

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2011
Wrong Sort of Wings

I'd propose it to Fark, but it'd never get greenlit: Man fails attempting to leap over red bull. This is not a repeat from 2500 BC. Or BCE, if that's your cup o' tea. With video!

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2011
Wave At The Bus!

This blog is genuinely funny.

Possibly the BEST way to embarrass your kid, but when they are older they will look back and think what a cool person you really were.

Posted by Ellen at 04:15 PM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2011
Consequences Are For Little People

The UK's new environmental taxes are threatening green energy research. You must understand taxes aren't supposed to be paid by everyone, just by the people we don't like. No, really, check out the comments, that's what they're saying.

Posted by scott at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
Smooth Move

And today's desperate attempt at free publicity is (spins wheel) ... ramming a police cruiser and getting taken into custody. There may not have been alcohol involved, but I definitely suspect cynicism might have been. Then again, it got us to link it up, so I guess it worked.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

obama.jpeg
Stolen from here...
Posted by scott at 04:44 PM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2011
He Just Better Be the *ONLY* Son of God

Sorry lady, you're 2,000 years and one Jewish baby short for that excuse to work. Blasphemy? US??? Oh, hell, I'm a heathen. I don't even play by your rules...

Posted by scott at 10:15 PM eMail this entry!
Not Your Average Stray

Only in Florida: 10 year old boy drags 6 foot crocodile home with him. Nobody got hurt, not even the should-have-been handbag set.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
May 26, 2011
Listing Motorcycle

While I, personally, was given an ingrained fear of all things motorcycle by my parents long ago, a few of my friends actually own the things and Ellen still wants one. For them, I figured this list of 6 things nobody tells you about owning a motorcycle might be interesting. I can state for a fact the thing about bugs goes for convertibles as well.

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2011
The Copyright Violation is Strong with This One

For yet another entry in the, "I'm surprised it's taken this long" file we have the Grillenium Falcon food truck. Bonus: It's located in the same town as my Alma-Mater, Fayetteville Arkansas. I'll call this one an "under the radar fail."

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

rapture-gopher.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:51 PM eMail this entry!
May 20, 2011
Tacky? Us???

I'm not at all sure how many of these "unintentionally sexual church signs" are for-real, but I'm figuring they're not all fake. Which just makes it that much funnier. It definitely makes them more interesting than what's outside the Ballston Methodist church, that's for sure.

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
That's a Party! Really!

A German insurance company recently held an orgy to reward their most successful salesmen. Now that's what you call an incentive. Yes, I said incentive. Oh, stop giggling. And put some pants on.

Posted by scott at 06:15 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2011
Not Just Busted, Bat'leth Busted

I'm actually surprised a US news crew didn't try a stunt like this. You'd think there'd be nearly as many nerds on a German TV news crew as there would be here in the US. Then again, I wouldn't put this past any engineer who sick of the pretty people he or she is supporting.

Posted by scott at 05:10 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2011
Possibly The Best Shake Weight News Segment EVAR!

Posted by Ellen at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2011
Fish Gotta Swim, Dogs Gotta Ride

Mark gets a no-prize that wants steak for bringing us this creative example of pet transportation. It'll be all good until some motorized rickshaw blunders into his path. Then again, I guess they're as safe as he is.

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2011
Anothere Breek in De Whall

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Conflict: we haz it...

Posted by scott at 03:22 PM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2011
Ultimate Dog Tease!

Posted by Ellen at 05:44 PM eMail this entry!
Heh...

Since it seems some of you were not his friend, we're happy to present Osama's last Facebook post. I'm pretty sure "like" isn't too strong a word for how we feel...

Posted by scott at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
May 04, 2011
Must.. Make... Friends... Heads... Explode...

Why yes, we will link up Miley Cyrus covering 'Smells Like Teen Spirit,' and thank you for asking! It'd probably be better if she wasn't actually trying to hit the pitch, but I guess chicks just aren't strung together right to pull off growling in key.

Posted by scott at 06:56 PM eMail this entry!
Honey Badger Goodness

It's really badass!

Posted by Ellen at 05:49 AM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2011
Oh Lord, Thank You for Fark

Sometimes there's just no improving it: In West Virginia news, a man, dressed in bra and panties and high on bath salts, kills his neighbors' goat. With helpful, SFW, picture of what someone like that would look like. Look, I always figured West Virginia could be a boring place, but I had no idea...

Posted by scott at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
What a Review

Observation: a dinky little reality show recently broadcast its second season's finale. Reviewer's conclusion: "Undercover Boss has, in effect, unwittingly endorsed the eradication of the middle class." No, really, that's what the dude wrote! Go for the smarmy, "I didn't spend a semester on Western Civ for nothing" review. Stay to watch the moonbats settle 'round his belfry and wave their red flags with abandon.

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:23 PM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2011
When Pavement Attacks

Hey, ya know those 24 packs are darned hard to run with! Why yes, it is a video of an idiot trying to make off with a case of beer and tasting pavement instead. I especially like how the getaway car had to sit and wait for traffic to clear. Smooth guys, real smooth.

Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
April 27, 2011
Welcome to the High End. Please Keep Hands and Feet Inside at All Times

Reviewer's take: "The Elite D6 is a surprisingly good player and one that delivers much more bang than I expected from a low-priced component. " MSRP: $700. Yes, folks, that's what the high end thinks is low priced. What? Well of course I want one. It's got such a low price!

(No, really, I actually do want one. Maybe I can pick one up used on E-bay...)

Posted by scott at 06:21 PM eMail this entry!
Well, Yes... Aren't Yours?

Everyone's favorite "Onion Turned Christian" website has asked a question to which we all want the answer: Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer's Testicles? These people have been at it for, what, ten years at least?

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
... Assuming He Survived the Freezing Process

And now, a Steve Jobs encased in carbonite iPhone case. Thing is, I can absolutely see all the legions of Apple-heads say the same wistful, "I love you" line that Fisher did in the movie. I can also definitely see Jobs making the same reply that Ford's Solo made.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2011
Busted

Alternative headline: Karma's a biatch, don't you know. Being the UK, I don't think the incident was kept quiet to protect the identities of the SAS men. I think it was kept quiet to ensure the nanny state's police didn't arrest them. Those criminals could've been seriously injured!

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2011
Pregnant Pause

Alternative title: the smug is strong with this one. There's a problem with portraying a typically obscure state election as a referendum on the END OF THE... WORLD! Sometimes, especially when you're, you know, wrong, sometimes you lose.

Posted by scott at 06:59 AM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2011
That's About Right

Yep, I remember accidentally learning about how sex worked right around the 5th grade, and that was pretty much my reaction.

Posted by scott at 06:51 PM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2011
Oh NOES!!!

Deceit and Calumny! "Veg News has written tens (possibly hundreds) of articles extolling the virtues of a vegan lifestyle, while purchasing rock-bottom priced stock photos of MEAT, EGGS, DAIRY and other completely non-vegan things." Ok, look, your diet, your choice, hell I got no problem if you decide to eat nothing but Converse shoes for the rest of your life. But boy, if those response to pictures don't prove at least some veganism is more about politics and religion than it is about anything else, I'm not sure what will.

Posted by scott at 07:50 AM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2011
Paging Montgomery Scott, White Courtesy Phone Please

April 14, 1945: a skipper loses his submarine because of a malfunctioning toilet. Worse: it was a German U-boat! I thought those people knew how to engineer things!

Posted by scott at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2011
Hyperbole GAH!!!!!
Posted by Ellen at 08:31 PM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2011
Ellen? Is That You?

No, not Olivia. Olivia's good. Ellen, not so much...

Posted by scott at 08:49 PM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2011
Meanwhile, in Teh Funneh Land...

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2011
Brings a Whole New Meaning to, "Bare Metal"

I wonder if they prefer business formal for the interview? See, I work with programmers. With very, and I mean very, few exceptions, I can't think of a nicer bunch of folks I'd never want to see naked.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
April 05, 2011
Shoe Elves

I like this show too.

Posted by olivia at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
That Is A Busy Unicorn

And now for the Serenading Unicorn.

Posted by Ellen at 07:16 PM eMail this entry!
*Laughing So Hard...Hurts...*

Possibly one of the funniest sites I have visited in a long time.

If you have auto correct on your phone, this has happened to you.

Posted by Ellen at 06:53 PM eMail this entry!
Adventure Time

Personally, I think it should be titled, Bill and Ted's Middle Aged Adventure. I guess Reeves must need a new deck on his house or something. This one smells so strongly of turkey I'm surprised it doesn't gobble.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2011
What, You Mean It's Taken Them This Long to Notice?

Captain obvious in a dress: the Vatican is warning that the Internet promotes Satanism. I guess someone finally taught them how to log onto 4chan.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2011
The More You Know...

F- what Obama's birth certificate reveals about his eligibility for office. What's really needed is some insight into what can be done if he turns into a zombie. The Constitution even covers this contingency! What a document!

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2011
Part 3!

Thing is, I'm coming around to the idea these things are actually advertisements for iced coffee. Who knew?

Posted by scott at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2011
Blast From The Past

I totally remember this product!

Posted by Ellen at 09:33 PM eMail this entry!
Wøtch This!

Mark gets a dangerously impractical no-prize for bringing us a bear of a man and his knife-flinging catapult. I dunno. Seems a little short-ranged for a good zombie fight.

Posted by scott at 08:11 PM eMail this entry!
Calumny! Deceit and Calumny!

Dilbert creator Scott Adams cracked a few jokes about chicks, and got the predictably considered, low-key response you'd expect from the usual suspects. Reminds me of how a cat reacts when you tease it. It also provides an amusing example of why most people continue teasing. It's funny precisely because they don't think it is.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
Certainly No Worse Than Yogi Bear

All those things they said about MTV videos are true: they really do look like they were edited by a chimp. Me, I'd like to see a second video showing him actually doing the work, otherwise I'm calling shenanigans.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2011
Will You Be My VBF?

Posted by Ellen at 06:36 PM eMail this entry!
Wait a Second

Mike J. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us an abject lesson as to why developers should develop, and HR departments should recruit. Funny thing is, my skill set is actually pretty close to what they're looking for. Except for that whole, "other side of the country" thing, that is.

Posted by scott at 10:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2011
Tiny Terror

Robert H. gets a no-prize that's almost believable for bringing us the live webcam from Sokoblovsky Farms, home of the petite lap giraffe. Really! No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 01:15 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

axineOnSeniorHealthCare.jpg

Mark gets a no-prize he can collect as soon as he helps me figure out where my mom went. With a gun.

Posted by scott at 07:19 PM eMail this entry!
March 22, 2011
Another Crappy Little Cartoon

Actually, this innocent, if colorful, cartoon explaining the Fukushima crisis should probably be required viewing for any reporter assigned to the event. It is targeted at their education level, after all... (completely SFW)

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2011
Thailand's Got...

Well, it's definitely a talent. And why the heck not, anyway? Just let the vid play until about the 1 minute mark, you'll see. And hear. Completely SFW.

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2011
Are You Man Enough?

Tea-hee!

Posted by Ellen at 08:08 PM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2011
Oh My...

And now, a look at what (seems to) pass for sophisticated wedding photography in Russia. I wonder if, since most of their creativity happens in a computer, those photographers are as pushy as the typical wedding photographer is here in the US?

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
Stupid Is...

Today's proof that most people turn to crime because they're too dumb to do anything else comes to us courtesy of a guy who actually provided his ID when a teller demanded it before giving him the cash he was there to rob. Bonus: he was on parole for previous violations.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2011
I Bet His Assistant's Name is Aye-Gore

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll bark along to "Puttin' on the Ritz" for bringing us yet another example of a family sticking to its name no matter what the consequences. Bonus: stuffed-shirt "knees are too sharp" commenter shows up almost immediately.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2011
Why Yes, Actually, It Is

Amidst all the doom and gloom in the world, why not ponder the case of the woman with a monkey in her bra? Article is SFW and includes candy-head-explosion-inducing picture of the tiny perp who violated more than a few courthouse rules.

No, Ellen, you can't have one...

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
Look What I Got!

Today's "Facebook is not your friend" story comes to us via a picture of a stolen ring. Ok, it's great they got their stuff back, but this strongly implies the victim and the perp were known to each other.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2011
Iconoclast? Us?

Robert H. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us a "cereal" adaptation of The Last Supper. Get it? Get it? Cereal??? *TAP* *TAP* *TAP*... is this thing on?

Posted by scott at 07:31 AM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2011
Toddlers, Tiaras & Tom Hanks

Hysterical!! Especially if you have seen the reality show Toddlers in Tiaras.

Posted by Ellen at 04:49 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2011
It's So Fluffy I'M GONNA DIE!!!

And now, a baby spider monkey clinging to a plush version of mom. Ellen actually admitted that a s-tty little monkey was cute. Aaand everyone else...

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 09:19 PM eMail this entry!
Fly To The 80's!

Posted by Ellen at 06:44 PM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2011
I Shall Call It, "VanTanic"

Mark gets the coveted "Rednecks International" no-prize for bringing us even more proof that "practicality to a fault" is not exclusive to the southern United States. Trailers definitely do exist for a reason.

Posted by scott at 12:18 PM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2011
Wakka Wakka Wakka

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll swallow quarters at an alarming rate for bringing us a look at how some logos resemble... other things (SFW) Heck, I'm not sure there are any more video games that take quarters. Even the ones at Chuckie's only take tokens.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

The song is excellent. The "spelling optional" lyrics just add to the fun. Mark gets a no-prize painted blue that Ellen's ancestors will build a wall across a country to keep away from for bringing us this fine example of Scottish folk music.

Posted by scott at 08:03 PM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2011
More... Memory...

Mike J. gets a no-prize that can only be put down with a well-placed shotgun blast for bringing us the latest in "decorative" flash drives. I'm genuinely amazed it's taken this long for someone to think of this. The potential for various forms of naughtiness alone boggle the mind.

No, Ron, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 06:48 PM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2011
Oh Noes!!!

Looks like even Gadhafi's* hot blond has left him. Includes a picture of what a hot blond might look like if she were stuffed into a giant parka with no makeup on her face and sunglasses hiding her eyes. F'ing tards.

----
* Yes, I'm quite aware this is a different spelling. The spelling of Gadhafi's name in Latin characters has been a running gag in the media for at least twenty-five years now. I'm just going with whatever I find in the article I'm linking.

Posted by scott at 09:59 AM eMail this entry!
Zanga Zanga!

Coming to a dance floor near you: an enterprising Israeli has created a mash-up combining a rapper named "Pitbull" and... Qaddafi. The old wack-a-mole never has looked more entertaining.

Posted by scott at 07:07 AM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Ahahahahahaahaha.... Silly newbie. The first hit is free!

Once you're hooked, you can't stop.

5 years from now, you'll have 7 different helis in different sizes and levels of repair. You'll have sold your house for parts, your partner will have left (but you won't have noticed) and you'll be quite pleased at the news you've just been fired from your job, as it means more flying time at the club field.

DO NOT MOCK THE TINY CHOPPER!

So saith one of my RC helicopter peeps, when someone else claimed they only wanted ONE little helicopter.

Ok, ladies, I'll go on record here to say it's not cars, it's not trucks, it's not sports, and it's none of YOU that brings the boy out of the man. It's very small radio controlled helicopters. There's a new model due out next week AND GROWN MEN ARE ADMITTING THEY CAN'T SLEEP WAITING FOR IT.

But not me.

My story, and me sticking to it, let me show you...

Posted by scott at 07:59 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2011
OhGoodnessGraciousMe

Ron gets a follow-up no-prize for bringing us a new hot link to that We Dare Wii game. Yeah, definitely want to wash the controllers before you start this one. And, you know, after you're done.

Ew.

Posted by scott at 05:52 PM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

"A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read."
— Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)

Posted by scott at 04:17 PM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2011
John Bobbit on Yenta TV

On The Insider, Mr Bobbitt recalled his terror at waking to find his manhood missing. Miss Gallo recounted her own decision to throw the member into a field. 'You drove me to that,' she told him.
I have seen the field where his man part got tossed!

17 years later and we still talk about this!

Posted by Ellen at 07:14 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2011
I Like Him. He's Kooky.

Shades of WKRP intros: Congressman admits his behavior during the last election was, "inappropriate." Remember that ol' "picture worth a thousand words" line? Yeah, it's definitely SFW and definitely appropriate here. And why did I have to do a separate look up to find out he's a Democrat?

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2011
Sure... NOW You'll Pay Attention to Helicopters

There's just so much hysterical win here.

Posted by scott at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

4d6065b3cfb45-image.jpg

And this is the liberal cartoonist's take on what's going on in Wisconsin. I like the one involving a Prius nearly as much. The last resort is to always bang the table. I think they're getting ready to find out what happens when the grownups get tired of the noise.

Posted by scott at 10:32 AM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2011
Hunk Wear. Well, What Not To Wear.

I got embarrassed just looking at this site.

Hello Banana hammocks!

Posted by Ellen at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
February 18, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

let_go.png

This reminds me of at least... three... different people I know.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

Two words: Homemade Implants. *SIGH* Ok, ladies, smack the husband once, and make him read the clarification... Homemade boob implants. Men appreciate boobs. Women's fascination with winkies is every bit as mysterious to us. And you all definitely play with them just as much when given the opportunity.

Oh yes, I did just say that.

Posted by scott at 08:20 PM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2011
Really? Just 9?

Being a sysadmin for 14 years, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see myself in these "nine traits of veteran Unix admins" I'm definitely glad I don't have to do any of that anymore.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2011
I Think I Recognize Absolutely Everyone Here

The best part is picking out which particular Valentine's day cliche you are. I'll give you mine for free, it's the first one. The people who don't think this is funny are exactly the people it's aimed at.

Posted by scott at 07:54 PM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2011
Busted

Ok, I get that huge swathes of the left hate Sarah Palin with a rage only those who obviously have our best interests at heart can muster. Many times I think this rage might torpedo any campaign, well, really anywhere, she may decide to run. Then one of the scions of the main stream media steps on its own crank, again, and suddenly I'm not so sure. With enemies like these, who needs paid publicity?

Posted by scott at 01:33 PM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2011
How Do You Say "Watch This" in Polish?

Nice to know dumb rednecks can be found all over the planet.

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
Best. Answer. Evar!

Well, that is what you do with them. So I've been told, at any rate. By certain other people. Best part of game shows for me has always been the spontaneous goof-ups.

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
~ Cause Teens / Just Wanna Be Duh-umb ~

I guess the thinking was, "they toss me about that high on the field, why not climb to the top of the stairs and try the same thing?" Something tells me she has nothing to worry about being groped by the guy on the right.

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2011
Nah. It's Supposed to do That

So, you've finally made it, and have the yacht in the exclusive marina to prove it. Then this guy shows up. Well, it's not like you can exactly sink it, you know? Wouldn't want to be caught out in a storm in that thing!

Posted by scott at 01:47 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2011
ItGoesOneHundredMilesPerHour

Guilty as charged. That said, my "jet" only weighs one ounce and probably tops out at 20 mph. Downhill. In a hurricane. And when I break it, the parts usually cost less than $5. Yes, it does help me sleep at night. Thanks for pointing that out.

Posted by scott at 10:12 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." -- Terry Pratchett

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2011
It's Got That Great "Fresh From the Foil Hat" Scent

Ok, all those people who think I'm a paranoiac when it comes to environmental issues should take a look at what a real wacky guy writes about the environment. Go for the amusingly standard social conservative denial. Stay for the invocation of the Antichrist. No, really!

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
Snow Go Boom

We've long known that if Jim Cantore shows up in our neighborhood to run like mad, because he always brings hurricanes. Now it looks like God himself may be trying to call the Stormbringer home. The storm that dropped the substantial snow around here last month also had a bit of thunder in it.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2011
Well, He is The One

Ok, I'll concede that Reuters is at least being up-front about their bias. Yeah, I know, Bush had a few of these too. I just don't remember seeing any of them at the time.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2011
Ceiling Car is Watching You Fap

Robert H. gets a classic cross-and-serpent no-prize for bringing us a self-propelled look at the future of advertising. Another example of "that works fine in a polite place, but it'd last exactly twenty seconds over here."

Posted by scott at 06:11 AM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2011
Sometimes They Deserve Remembering

Fark headline of our week: Obamacare to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Is it 2012 yet? I want grownups in charge of everything, please.

Posted by scott at 07:55 PM eMail this entry!
Broad? No, Actually He's Quite Thin

CNN is carrying this brief look at Idiot Abroad, Science Channel's new breakout hit. I can't remember if it was me or Ellen who put this one on season pass, but it's now one of our "must watch" shows. Hilarious and pretty much the opposite of romantic, it definitely has provided a decidedly different take on what a travel show can be.

Posted by scott at 10:31 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2011
Can't...Stop...Laughing...

funny facebook fails - Uses for Vaseline
see more Failbook
Posted by Ellen at 09:15 PM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2011
Happy New Years!

Sometimes karma and Darwin rush together, like when a woman's suicide belt gets set off early because of a "happy holidays" text to her phone. Proof positive that Ellen and Amber could never pull something like this off, either.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2011
CHOMP!

Giant RC Heli: 1, Small styrofoam aircraft: 0. Hopefully he paid for the replacement.

Posted by scott at 09:44 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2011
Yeah, About That...

Glenn Reynolds: "Hey, remember when the Obamanauts were calling McCain McSame — because they couldn’t imagine anything worse than a President who would continue the Bush policies on war and taxes? Heh."

Indeed.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2011
Well, Maybe He Ain't All Bad After All

Jon Stewart veers suddenly centrist as he makes fun of, and scores points on, the Representative from Tennessee. When centrist liberals start calling out their own side, you know something interesting is going on. Especially when they're this funny.

Posted by scott at 06:35 PM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2011
Now I'm Going to Have it Stuck in My Head All Day. Again.

Remember that insanely catchy tune with the raunchy lyrics? turns out it's just as funny when performed in sign language. It was tough, remembering all those different sign language swear words, but I persevered. I'm classy that way.

Posted by scott at 06:14 AM eMail this entry!
Nothing Funnier than a Southerner in a Snowstorm

Mark gets a no-prize that'll clean out the nearest grocery store's stock of toilet paper, milk, and bread for bringing us a weather report anyone who was around here last February can relate to. Even better is how little snow is actually still there. I thought Virginians were useless in snow. Not compared to Atlanta!

Posted by scott at 06:10 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2011
Your Thought for the Day

"Oh dear, I'm feeling political today. It's just that it's dawned on me that 'zero tolerance' only seems to mean putting extra police in poor, run-down areas, and not in the Stock Exchange."

-- Terry Pratchett

Posted by scott at 04:11 PM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2011
The Durp on the Hill

Remember, folks, they're from the government, and they're here to help. Yes, I'm sure there are representatives dumber than Ms. Jackson Lee, and (now that there are more R's than D's), we'll start hearing from them more often. It's the law of averages combined with a conscious sampling error, not some sort of real indicator of intelligence.

Posted by scott at 11:11 AM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2011
When Archives Attack

Ten, fifteen years ago, a newspaper and a politician could work together to craft a narrative for the now, for the moment, using current events to leverage political power and public opinion without any reference to what happened in the past. No more. Now, tell me again, how there's no such thing as the "liberal media," and Fox News is the real enemy.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 01:50 PM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2011
You Dirty Little Tart- You're Dumped!

British people have the oddest sense of humor. Especially if you are getting dumped LIVE on the radio.

Posted by Ellen at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2011
~ Pissing the Night Away ~

Japan is making a run at taking back the "World's Weirdest Asian Country" prize from China by introducing a new urinal-based video game. Yep, you read that one right, "a pressure sensor located on the back of the urinal to measure the strength and location of your urine stream. A small LCD screen above the urinal allows you to play several simple video games including a simulator for erasing graffiti and a variation on a sumo wrestling match."

There's just no way to make this stuff up, people!

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2011
Fun With Headlines

Fark's headline of the year contest is definitely worth a look. Don't believe me? How about Coup succeeds in detaining Niger president, exciting teabaggers who misread the headline.

Wow. I didn't know that much milk could come out of a nose.

Posted by scott at 06:48 PM eMail this entry!
~ Let's Fly Let's Fly Away ~

They told me if I voted Republican the president would increase the carbon footprint of the White House, and they were right!! If the L.A. Times is starting to turn against Obama... well, no, nevermind. This is more easily explained as taking a few easy shots before they knuckle down to the job of getting him re-elected.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
December 31, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

IceAge0062.jpg

Remember, folks, it's not the facts that get reported, it's what moves magazines off the stand that gets reported.

Via Powerline.

Posted by scott at 08:09 AM eMail this entry!
Must... Pop... Bottles...

As God is my witness, I actually, genuinely like this song. If nerdy Asian guys can do hip-hop, hell anybody can do hip-hop. I'm not even sure I know what a "slizzard" is.

Posted by scott at 07:35 AM eMail this entry!
What an Award

Turns out PC gamers really are a breed apart. No thanks, I've already got the gold oak leaf clusters on my "Nerd" merit badge.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2010
Newspaper Durp

Those clever Israelis! Not content with controlling (shakes the 8 ball of JOOOS!!!) rrrm... Hollywood, they've now been spotted using the F-35 operationally. If it appears on a news site, it's bound to be true!

Posted by scott at 07:09 AM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2010
Now Why Do You Think This Is???

And in today's, "dude, you really get paid to do this?" file, we have a research project that has determined the brains of politically conservative people have larger "fear centers" than liberals. Since my side of the gallery spends most our time keeping the left side of the gallery from driving us all into a wall, well, yes, we tend to respond to fear more than their side does. It's conditioning, not genetics.

Posted by scott at 09:46 PM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2010
At Least Now They're Making Fun of the 90s

Two words: belted sweaters. The letters next to each guy mean they must've been in a catalog at some time, somewhere. I was busy ogling the chicks in the underwear ads, so I never noticed. And, dude, check out that pimp hat!

Posted by scott at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2010
Sounds Like Something that Should Come in a Bottle To Me

Super-tight jeans, for men? It's more likely than you think. On the one hand, it's nice to hear a fashion trend I liked from my youth making a comeback. On the other, leave it to the 21st century to include The Wrong People in it.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2010
WHY!? Did You Buy Me That?!?

Yet another funny site that is based on unwanted gifts.

Posted by Ellen at 06:36 PM eMail this entry!
Little Drummer Boy- Redo 2010
December 13, 2010
Amazon to Script Kiddies: Drop Dead

Looks like Amazon is a helluva lot harder to take down than a bunch of script kiddies previously thought. Too bad, so sad. Think maybe that'll be what causes them to climb out of their mom's basement, blinking, into the sun?

Nah, me either.

Posted by scott at 03:53 PM eMail this entry!
No Matter How Bad it Smells

I'm thinking "the first powered, controlled flight in an Australian-designed and built plane" means the guy was puttering around in a flimsy Wright Brothers-like contraption. Regardless, where it chose to crash land was pretty interesting. That's the problem with exact recreations of really old airplanes... it recreates all their handling vices, too.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2010
Now That's Just Tacky

Sometimes they're just no improving the original: They told me if I voted for Hillary, that Bill Clinton would basically be a co-president AND THEY WERE RIGHT! The presidency has always struck me as the worst job everyone wants. Nowadays, though, I'm thinking ex president is a pretty sweet gig. It's like being the ultimate granddad. Everyone's happy when you show up, and you get to give the country back when you get tired of it.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 10:31 PM eMail this entry!
December 08, 2010
Doh!

"I know! I know! Let's use a picture of a handsome naked athlete with a ball covering his... you know! That'll make a great PETA ad against fur! I dunno, seems to be just too rich to actually be true. I gotta say, I think I'm smelling a hoax. Or, you know, body wash or something. Picture is startling but technically SFW. Technically.

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 07:17 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2010
~ Look Around / Got No Place to Stay ~

Chris gets a most informative no-prize in an envelope that squeaks for bringing us the latest in British instructional videos, circa 1975. Mark and I remember these things thrown on a screen by a squeaky 16mm projector. You know, those things schools used to use before they could afford VCRs. Which, of course, you know are these gigantic machines that used T-A-P-E to project...

Oh, hell with it. Pop in a Blu-ray, let's enjoy the movie.

Posted by scott at 08:12 PM eMail this entry!
Paint Job Fail

Pro tip: Cars have brakes. Giant cans of paint don't. Fortunately nobody got hurt. I bet it'll be fun to hear how they explain that to the insurance adjuster.

Posted by scott at 02:30 PM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2010
Why Nerds are No Good at Parties

Here's your cat. And here's your twenty dollars...

Posted by scott at 10:13 PM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2010
Was That Wrong? Should They Not Have Done That?

Hey, man, if dancing with the stars was more like this, I'd be a lot more interested. Ok, hang on, check that, I just remembered some of the more memorable stars on that show, and realized maybe most of them need to stay covered up.

Clip contains nobody in the nood, but is likely still NSFW.

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2010
Movin' Around

It's nice to know we're not the only family with pets who react with psychosis to moving to a new house. When we moved the (then) five cats, it resulted in an outright palace coup. In the old place, since Magrat was the eldest cat she was the alpha cat. However, as a kitten, Ellen had taken Goblin outside several times and so youngest, and therefore most junior, cat Goblin was quite used to the idea that the sky could disappear into clouds and the world was bigger than a 900 square foot apartment. The others, not so much, and while they spent the next two weeks twitching in their carriers Goblin laid claim to the whole house. The world was never quite the same again for Cat, the Eldest (Magrat), although they eventually managed to negotiate an uneasy truce.

Ellen was convinced Coconut, the cat that almost literally was born and raised in one, small, place, would ever be right again. Eight years later it's like they've never lived anywhere else. Now that Goblin and Coconut have the entire house to themselves, they seem to spend most of their time being startled by, or plotting the demise of, the feathered "tiny green fud that is much less dangerous than the big green fud" that has been thrust into their lives.

Ah, animals...

Posted by scott at 06:23 PM eMail this entry!
November 27, 2010
Fitness Funny

That's right. Create your own infomercial.

Posted by Ellen at 11:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2010
Your Thought for the Day
Posted by scott at 09:21 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

PicardWtf.jpg

If non-sequiturs are wrong, I don't want to be orange!

Posted by scott at 07:46 PM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

2576_53912012103_677212103_1551197_4722534_n.jpg

Important to remember: I always give credit to people who send me stuff, but I'll steal anything not nailed down the minute I spot it.

Posted by scott at 08:17 PM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2010
Best... Trailer... EVAR!!!

Robert H. gets a no-prize that doesn't really care what the movie'll actually end up being for bringing us a trailer for the upcoming movie, "Your Highness." Here's to the first genuinely silly fantasy adventure of the second decade of the Twenty-first century.

Ok, that should be enough to make all the women go to sleep. For all the guys, code words: Natalie Portman Leather Thong. Yea, and we all bow down to ol' R.H.'s instinct for awesomeness, and verily!

Posted by scott at 07:04 PM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2010
Big Bang Bloopers

Posted by Ellen at 09:51 PM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2010
That's Definitely an Original Excuse

Remember, folks, just because Google Maps says it's true, don't make it so. A shooting war breaking out because of an on-line service goof? It's more likely than you think.

Posted by scott at 03:46 PM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2010
Burninatin'
Posted by Ellen at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
That's MISTER Van to You, Bub

Another year, another extreme example of just how customized a Japanese can make his ride. I wonder how, or even if, it gets under bridges? Maybe all those fins are collapsible?

Posted by scott at 06:26 AM eMail this entry!
Our Daily Commute to D.C.

Posted by Ellen at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
I Don't Think The Guys Will Notice The Props...

Posted by Ellen at 06:08 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2010
Steep It A Bit Too Long Dude?

Fortunately, it didn't kill me. It just robbed me of my innocence.

One man's encounter with Smooth Move Tea.

*Tea-hee*

Posted by Ellen at 09:15 PM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2010
Oopsie!

Funny only because nobody (seems to have) got hurt... using explosives to demolish large structures can be hard. The power lines whipping around like, well, whips, is mighty impressive.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2010
Define "Typical"

ev17d3_610x863.jpg

Not all the iPhone users I know are girls, and said "not all" better not show up at my house in a miniskirt. Capice?

Source: C-Section comics.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2010
ID Fail

So, what should a hipster who's stumbled onto a huge collection of photos from the English pop scene of the early 80s? Call it gothic, of course. Almost everyone in those pictures is now completely grown up, desperately hoping their own now-grown kids just can't recognize them in those photos.

Posted by scott at 07:16 AM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2010
We're Number 2! We're Number 2!

Well of course an Alfa made the list of 10 nightmare cars you can't resist. In fact, the only one more highly rated was an f'ing Lamborghini Miura! I'll just about promise at least one of the other cars is on your secret list. Well, except maybe for Ron's, since, if it can't be dropped into a mud pit at the bottom of a fifteen foot sheer drop, he doesn't seem all that interested in it. But hey, we all have our vices.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 07:02 PM eMail this entry!
Quack Quack

It's official: the whole "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has officially jumped the shark. I'm pretty sure at least some of those pictures are of Halloween costumes. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure several of them are not.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2010
Well, it's Definitely Back to A Future

Mike J. gets a no-prize that's a surreal mixture of Disney, Grease, and some film with that short guy from Teen Wolf in it for bringing us Back to the Future, Bollywood-style. Aside from its prodigious length, I actually rather liked the Bollywood show we got on Netflix a few weeks ago. Slapstick comedy, catchy tunes, fun actions sequences with no pretense of reality, and hot women. What's not to like?

Posted by scott at 07:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2010
All Fall Down

Nothing like local news to put "screw up on TV" into perspective. And heck, this was, what, 11 am? I get yelled at if I start drinking before noon, and I'm not on TV!

Posted by scott at 08:04 PM eMail this entry!
I'm Number... Doh!

Remember, the coach always says to keep digging no matter what happens, because you can never tell what might happen. There's a similar video out there of a cyclist celebrating his stage win just before he wipes out his bike and the guy ten seconds behind him goes sledding past.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2010
My Kind of Giant

Ok, ok, sorry, just can't resist poking a little more fun at the left side of the peanut gallery. Oh, don't worry, I'm not expecting sunshine and candy to come rushing out of the rear ends of the freshmen GOP members any time soon. Then again, I never do. Can't quite say the same about the left's expectations for their side two years ago, eh?

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
~ Gloom, Dispair and Agony on Me / Deep Dark Depression, Excessive Misery ~

Ever wonder what the band on the Titanic sounded like, after the boat hit the ice berg? Yeah, pretty sure it was something like this. Except, you know, less obnoxious. And boy, get a load of that good ol' MSNBC diversity. I tell ya, those people really had a point when they called the rest of us out about how racist we all were.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2010
Oh would you just shut up?!? You're rats with wings!

Yes, that "mine! mine! mine! mine! mine! mine!" chorus you're hearing is caused by the return of the infamous McRib sandwich. This'll be the first time in 16 years that it's available nationwide, to which I cautiously reply, "woot?"

I seem to remember, back when I was on the road to recovery from my picky-eater days, trying and liking the thing. As I recall, it's the sauce that makes or breaks it, otherwise it's not much more than a garden variety pulled pork sandwich that's been, well, "un-pulled," if you take my meaning. Still, can't see ordering one for myself, but that's not going to make me disapprove of or try to stop you from doing it. Foodies and other general busy-bodies, well, not so much.

Posted by scott at 12:20 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2010
Well, it's Not Like You Can Drive

Someone over at Google Maps is getting clever again. Not that it matters all that much to anyone in China, since I'm not completely sure they can even get to anything Google does anymore. Then there's the whole "South China Sea pirates" problem...

Posted by scott at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2010
Our Kind of Car Ad

No, it's not an Alfa, but you'd only know that because of the pictures: "And those other cars, [t]heir horns make cute little beeping noises, so considerate to not be rude. They don't have horns that sound with the arrogance and fury of some long dead Mongol warlord. "

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2010
Belly Bomb!

Introducing the pumpple cake, a dessert that's literally two pies baked into a cake. One slice has 1800 calories and feeds four. Those of you wondering what to serve after your Thanksgiving turducken need wonder no more!

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2010
Your Morning WTF.

Posted by Ellen at 05:29 AM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2010
Trying To Get His Freak On...

Bow...chick...a...wow........w...o...w....

Posted by Ellen at 09:55 PM eMail this entry!
Your Video for the Day

Who knew The Sims analogs could be so entertaining?

Posted by scott at 07:18 AM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2010
Rrrm... About That...

Ahem, "If you use your metal shop skills in an attempt to turn a Camaro into a Lamborghini, you might be a redneck." I'm pretty sure the photos are that close because getting any closer would be bad. I'd like it better if flames somehow shot out of those monster ducts in the rear.

Posted by scott at 06:27 PM eMail this entry!
Clever!

Backmarker F-1 team HRT have come up with a new way to get fined by releasing a car from the pits with a tire warmer still attached to it. Bah. These guys are brand-new. I can recall more than a few times when teams like Ferrari have released cars with things like fuel hoses still attached.

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2010
Thesaurus Fail

"The concept of being part of a team ... reaches its nadir in Halo: Reach. You will become emotionally invested in your Noble Team compadres..." (emphasis mine)

Yes, folks, they used "nadir" to mean something they liked. Found in the print version of Best Buy's Gamer magazine. Unfortunately this juicy bit of failure is not available on their site (that I could find).

Oh, don't worry, I didn't spend money on it. Dratted thing just showed up in my mailbox and, well... bathroom multitasking, people, bathroom multitasking.

Posted by scott at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
Now That's a Quote I Never Expected to Read

"So dust, dildos, sex, high prices, unfinished grand stands, oily track and dodgy amenities are what the South Korean Grand Prix has brought prominently to the foremost portion of my mind." Dang. All I was expecting was for the cars to vacuum the asphalt into the sky. The rest is, well, I guess, gravy?

Posted by scott at 05:29 PM eMail this entry!
Your Joke for the Day

One day an old Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb burn out. To get a new one he’ll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they’ll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.

He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.

“Ho ho, Mortal!” says the genie, stretching and yawning, “For releasing me I will grant you three wishes.”

The old man thinks for a moment, and says, “I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn’t want the place and march back home.”

“No sooner said than done!” thunders the genie. “Your second wish?”

“Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn’t want the place and march back home.”

“Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?”

“I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his –”

“Ok ok ok. Right. What’s this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?”

The old man smiles. “He has to pass through Russia six times.”

I don't remember where I first heard it, but I got this version here.

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2010
Oh, Fabrujous Joy

This, quite remarkably, sums up so many arguments I've been having with the left side of the peanut gallery lately.

Via Cobb.

Posted by scott at 10:05 PM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2010
Beats the Sh- Out of a Hearse

Yes, Virginia, Alfa did make quite industrial trucks, back in the day. And no, that's not just a Vanagon with a Giulietta grill wired on. That is a genuine "Romeo" truck. Not quite as slick as friend Chris's "yo-yo-YO" Escalade container ship, but at least I wouldn't have to blow the horn every time I entered the channel. Besides, a European truck from the early 70s? Yeah, I'd be worried people would steer off the road laughing at what the horn sounded like.

Posted by scott at 10:22 PM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2010
Drunk Text, FTW!

And in the, "why should we care at all" file, we have Johnn Cusack calling for "a satanic death center" to open at Fox News. I'd be more worried if I knew exactly what the heck that was.

Ah, hang on, now I remember... when my side's loons spout incoherently about violence, it's a dangerous example of totalitarianism. When your side does it, it's simply an example of how far my side's pushed yours. "Heads I win, tails you lose," that sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2010
So There!
Posted by Ellen at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2010
I'd Still Put My Money on the Stig

Why yes, yes it does rather resemble a lap board. But that's ok, because those guys are heading toward a very important sort of finish line. Besides, if it could get them another point in the championship I'm sure Lewis and Sebastian would be right at the top of even that board.

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
He Says that Like It's a Bad Thing

Barney Frank: "Tea Partiers have tied me to the railroad tracks!" If anyone from my side had breathed even a word of it, there'd be a whole legion of moonbats twirling away from the tops of their towers, shrieking about the violence of the right. It's enough to make me wish I could play the piano like a silent movie pianist, and find someone with a mustache long enough to twirl the ends.

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

congressmonkeysdy1.jpg

Like all classics, it's timeless.

Posted by scott at 05:30 PM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2010
Hey! Watch This!

In spite of what the caption says, I'm pretty sure it's not the rotor that's letting go, it's the mounting bolts on the caliper that are shearing off. How we don't lose 80% of men aged 15-25 to "controlled flight into terrain" incidents like this, I never will understand.

Posted by scott at 07:19 PM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2010
Finally I Have a Reason to Like This Song

Mythbusters is back this week, and what better way to promote it than to have that big Scottish lump Craig Ferguson drag the principals out to do Melt with You? Will they be able to top slicing a Honda in two with a rocket sled this year? Hey, you know they'll try!

Posted by scott at 05:58 PM eMail this entry!
A Fantasy League, for the Rest of Us

Introducing Fantasy UnSports, the game which lets you score points when your football players screw up off the field. Which is, of course, most of the time, so it's actually a pretty active game. I especially liked the point value for "Player claims that wildlife on the field during a game may be reincarnated former teammate."

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2010
Fun with Beige

Posted by scott at 07:23 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2010
Goin' Retro

As with most technologies, things like motion controllers and game boys have roots far deeper than you'd at first think. I remember the Microvision system very well, and I think either we or someone we knew had a Blip. The rest, not so much.

Posted by scott at 04:41 PM eMail this entry!
October 01, 2010
Regarding Lawns, and Getting Off Mine

Another year, another forty-something bemoaning lazy, meddling kids. I'd take such things much more seriously, if I hadn't been reading them for the past, oh, thirty years or so. Likely there's a Linear A tablet somewhere complaining about how kids these days take bronze for granted and don't know how to properly tie a tunic.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2010
What, This Wasn't Funny? I Wasn't Supposed to Laugh?

And today's "attention fail" comes courtesy of yet another facebook f-up. Bah. If paid close attention to half the stuff we link up... oh, hell, what am I talking about? Sometimes I can't even get the damned links right.

Posted by scott at 05:58 PM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2010
Classy...Just Like Ron!

epic fail photos - Odometer WIN
see more funny videos
Posted by Ellen at 09:01 PM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2010
~ Ninja Bubbles / In the Va-Jay-Jay ~

Every time I think the Japanese have gone right round the bend, every time, they go and prove me wrong again. Clip is vaguely naughty and extremely weird, but, hey, it's Friday. Why would you care if it was SFW or not?

Posted by scott at 06:44 PM eMail this entry!
I Are Gud Spellr

The best part is thinking about the number of people this had to get past before it became a reality. Sometimes efficient electronics mean you just screw up faster.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2010
That's Gotta be One Helluva Big Cigarette

Ron gets a suddenly sleepy no-prize for bringing us the list of most sexually satisfied cities. I thought Indianapolis and Fort Wayne were getting awfully close lately.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

francis.jpg

If you think I'm thinking that you should think this is for you, you're right.

I think.

Posted by scott at 11:11 AM eMail this entry!
September 13, 2010
It's Taken This Long?

Leave it to the thirty-somethings at Fark to turn the fact that nobody's less than 115 miles from a McDonalds into a greenlight. B*tch, I worked at the furthest outpost of The Golden Arches back in 1987 when they opened up a branch in Dumas, Arkansas. Ask me about the time a helicopter went through my drive-through. I dare ya.

Posted by scott at 10:14 PM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2010
Razorbacks In Jail

Woooooooooooo!! PIGS! Sooey Razorbacks!

Don't mess with the cheerleaders.

Posted by Ellen at 07:48 AM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2010
Prince Whoo-Ha???

Me, I'm thinking the emphasis should be on the last syllable of his last name. But wtf do I know? I got sucked into that show last year because it was all that was on in my dive hotel in San Francisco during my (unbeknownst to me) last NAMI convention, and I just couldn't stop watching it. Ellen insisted she'd set the Tivo on fire if I tried to put it back on season pass this year. More's the pity.

Posted by scott at 10:44 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2010
TEE-HEE!!
Posted by Ellen at 07:09 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2010
Ear-wha???

Ron gets the coveted "Pig of the Month" no-prize for bringing us this little riff on catchy tunes getting stuck in your head. Which, of course, I am only linking up because it's a clever bit with some fun editing. That's all I noticed. My story, sticking to it...

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2010
Well Wouldja Lookit That

That's not an absurd Nerf gun, that's one of my brother's toys! Well, now, hang on, that one has all sorts of upgrades on it. That sound you're hearing is my brother, furiously hunting through catalogs...

Posted by scott at 05:48 PM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2010
Oh You Have Got to be Kidding Me

Ron gets a FABULOUS no-prize for bringing us car lashes. No, sorry, not the lashes that some leather-bound dominatrix dishes out. No, these are much... cuter. No, Ellen, you definitely definitely can't have them!

Posted by scott at 09:11 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2010
Dude, Watch This

Rednecks do not just live in America's south. They also seem to be alive and well somewhere in Eastern Europe. Yeah. Airbags have to stop bags of water weighing more than 150 pounds moving at more than 25 miles per hour. That's more than enough to bounce your skinny butt off the ceiling. Here, have a seat.

Posted by scott at 08:02 PM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2010
Bummer...

Posted by Ellen at 09:38 PM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2010
A Happy Member of that Fan Club

Ron gets a no-prize that'll constantly wonder why nobody looks it in the eye for bringing us this great little bitty... rrrm... ok, you get it... song. NSFW language, but the imagery is safely PG. Store bought? Bolt-on? Pshaw. You say that like it's a bad thing.

Posted by scott at 07:30 PM eMail this entry!
August 20, 2010
Higher Than Your Average Bear

Seems like "the bear lady's" bears were laid back for a reason. You mean mary-J is still illegal somewhere? Perish the thought.

Posted by scott at 06:47 PM eMail this entry!
Mooore Strategy...

Actually, I think that's part of the unacknowledged appeal: looked at rationally, a zombie apocalypse will fall apart faster than its constituent corpses. I would have more to say, but I got distracted by the Snorg girl at the bottom of the first page. Oh, except to agree that the real threat is sparkly vampires!

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2010
Oh Dear...

Robert H. gets an oh-so-NSFW (language) no-prize for bringing us what I'm sure is one of Ray Bradbury's least expected 90th birthday presents. I could swear I've heard the tune before somewhere else, but I got distracted by the bewbies before I could place it.

Posted by scott at 07:51 PM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2010
Lol Whut???

Mike J. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us yet another example of "too much time on your hands". Well, hey, if these guys ever actually left their basement, the internet would be a far less interesting place, eh?

Posted by scott at 07:34 PM eMail this entry!
The Right Kind of Sticky

I'd actually put the title of this in our post, but it'd cause eighty thousand pervs to hit this site every day. I have enough problems keeping the ones that already visit here locked down. So go look at the title yourself. Post is completely SFW.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2010
Hopa Hoax

That series of pictures of the hot chick telling her boss off with clever dry-erase sketches? Yeah, fake. It did have that whole, "just too good to be true" feeling about it, in my opinion.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2010
It's Only Lying When You Do It

Keith Olbermann: never let the facts get in the way of a good story. The video requires a free subscription to view, but in summary: Keith righteously calls out a lunatic right-winger who only took one question from a far-right organization and then fled a "fake doctor" Tea Party rally. Except, you know, she in fact stood there and took several questions, and had to be pulled away by her handlers to meet other obligations. That's not the point! The point is what we tell you it is!

But by all means, keep rooting for that sportscaster. I'm not sure he'd be able to make his mortgage otherwise.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2010
Just In Case You Need To Massage Your Opossum

Posted by Ellen at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
August 03, 2010
Busted

Unintended consequence of Google Earth, #2456: the mayor now has his own spy satellite. I'm not sure if I should be appalled at the idea of a nosy bureaucrat "inspecting" my property from on high, or impressed that a local government actually figured out how to use new technology.

Posted by scott at 08:21 PM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2010
Don't Wanna!

Mark gets a no-prize that'll explode with candy for bringing us this video of an otter teaching her kit how to swim. Olivia was just about that bad, until we go her a diving mask. After that, she was all mermaid, all the time.

Update: Link fixed!

Posted by scott at 07:15 PM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2010
Solar Toilet

Back in my day, we thought motorized water guns were all you needed to kill time between one college final and the next. That was because glow sticks had not been invented yet. Those of you wondering what the answer to the equation, "cheap booze + spare time + engineering students" was, well there you go.

Posted by scott at 06:51 PM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2010
I'm Actually Surprised the Damned Things Fit

Being a bazillionaire is no defense against a pissed off civil servant. As if parking, what, half a million dollars worth of cars in front of your store isn't publicity enough. Now that I think about it, I'm calling it damned likely said "pissed off" civil servant got more than just a heads-up about this opportunity. Meh, who cares.

Posted by scott at 07:39 PM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2010
Waiit a SECOND

There's advertising, and then there's advertising. I'm sure this will come as an utter shock to all of you, but sometimes the subtleties in life escape me. The fact I "got" this one means it's not all that subtle, I'm thinking.

Posted by scott at 06:17 PM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2010
Photo-WHA???

What better way to end a tough Monday than a collection of time slices? Photography became popular because it allowed the truth of what we see every day to outlast time. It has endured because it captures the strange truth of an instant.

And lets our friends show it to us the next morning. Damn, man, put some pants on!!!

Posted by scott at 10:16 PM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2010
Blind Ambition

That whole, "people who want to be seen naked usually shouldn't be seen naked" thing? How about a guy has made a whole music video on just that theme. Video is SFW, but some of the pictures may have you reaching for the eye bleach.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2010
I Find Your Lack of Fruit Disturbing

Mike J. gets a no-prize that will always win "because good... is dumb." for bringing us this graphic account of just how Apple's iPhone 4 experience has gone. I'm pretty sure that's Mandarin, but you don't really need to understand the language to get a chuckle out of it. I wonder if there's an English language version out there?

Posted by scott at 05:40 PM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2010
Step 7: WTMI!!!

And in the "straight girls are more like straight guys than even they will admit" file, we have an example of someone taking a request for redemption just that much too far. Oh get over it guys. No matter what your fantasy is, straight chicks would react to this in likely the same way you would, if it was your bud "apologizing" like that.

Posted by scott at 09:34 PM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2010
MMooo!!! COWTOWN!

No one believed me when I passed this place on the way to Atlantic City last year. I got lost and the next thing I saw was a GIANT cowboy and a general store. I felt MUCH better when one of my assistants told me he LIVED in that area and it is COWTOWN, the best flea market in the area. Rudy no longer works with me, but he still sends me text photos of COWTOWN!

He’ll roll a 160-pound barrel — like the one he uses in the rodeo arena to fend off dangerous brahma bulls — 130 miles from Washington, D.C., to Cowtown to confront his largest opponents ever, bullying.

“I once heard something, that bullies are people who try to make their light shine brighter by putting your light out,” said Nash, known as “Starvin’ Marvin,” a nearly 40-year rodeo veteran.

The goal of Nash’s barrel roll is to bring attention to bullying and the effects it can have on the lives of school children, their families and others.

Something you just have to see in person.

Posted by Ellen at 09:55 PM eMail this entry!
Redneck Rampage

Now, I'm pretty sure about half of these are fake, but I can't quite tell which half, and that means the other half are totally frikken awesome! One of Ellen's enduring memories of middle-o'-nowhere Arkansas remains all the goofy signs we saw on the roadside. Landscape-wise, Rural New York is so much like Northwest Arkansas it's scary, but they take themselves so seriously it's nowhere near as much fun as the Ozarks.

Posted by scott at 08:07 PM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2010
A Psychic, for the Rest of Us

Paul the psychic octopus has picked Spain to win the world cup final. Yes, I said psychic octopus. Dude, you think I'm clever enough to make that up? Nice.

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?" -- Terry Pratchett, Pyramids

Posted by scott at 05:22 PM eMail this entry!
July 03, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

"The Greeks - dirty and impoverished descendants of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around dressed up like girls." -- P.J. O'Rourke

Posted by scott at 05:44 PM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2010
Well Why Not?

People sometimes wonder where, exactly, I changed from a guy who likes pedaling into a road bike loon. Me, I'm not so sure either, but a conversation like this was probably involved. It's all good. My ex "married" a man who's been quite good to her for many years.

Posted by scott at 06:27 PM eMail this entry!
Determined

The sing-song speak n' spell cadence just makes this discussion of the iPhone even funnier. I can think of several people I know who are just about this dedicated to those silly little glorified card decks.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
Like a Load of Bricks

What is it with grid girls passing out these days? Something very like this happened at the, I think it was the Australian Grand Prix, anyway, at a recent F-1 race this year.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2010
Heee!!! NOT From Olivia

Funny Kids Drawings - Oh Ho Ho, What A Wit
see more
Posted by Ellen at 09:38 PM eMail this entry!
For All My Wrinkled Ladies!

Posted by Ellen at 09:20 PM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2010
Busy Lady

Ron gets a very naughty no-prize for bringing us quite possibly the most clever beer ad, evar. If they showed ads like that in the US, I'd be much more likely to watch them.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
It's a Bubble, Eh?

Robert H. gets a sticker-shocked no-prize for bringing us proof that the housing bubble didn't burst, it just moved north. Those were the kinds of "deals" that happened every day around here, say, about five years ago. Now, not so much.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2010
The Sound of Two Football Fanatics, Furiously Typing...

So, Fark's survey headline was, "Which NFL team has the worst fans?" And the best comment, by far, was this:

*cracks knuckles, prepares to take thread to next level*

NFC East:

Cowboys fans: redneck racists who think Obama was born in Kenya; permanent "bigger is better" complex to compensate for probable small penis size
Eagles fans: possibly the worst "people" to walk the planet; do not actually eat food for sustenance, but instead absorb negative thoughts and energy; booed Santa
Giants fans: got nothing
Redskins fans: gleefully cheering the most racist sports team nickname in the modern world



NFC North:

Packers fans: far and away the most morbidly obese group of humans in history
Vikings fans: possibly the stupidest group of football fans; mostly racists
Lions fans: got nothing to say about these poor unfortunate souls
Bears fans: easily the greatest group of football fans in the league; everything a fan base should be: loyal without being subservient to a shiatty product, high football IQ, great tailgaters; only one d-bag with that Katrina sign, but we took care of him

NFC South:

Falcons fans: terribly dispassionate, much like all Atlanta sports fans
Panthers fans: haven't been around long enough to create a stereotype, so we'll just say something NASCAR-related
Saints fans: pretty happy for them, got nothing
Buccaneers fans: more concerned with that goofy kiddie pirate ship and the cheerleaders than what's happening on the field

NFC West:

Cardinals fans: only started accepting Christianity as a valid religion when Kurt Warner joined the team
49ers fans: chardonnay-sipping yuppies
Seahawks fans: the whiniest fanbase in the NFL when it comes to officiating
Rams fans: do not actually exist

AFC East:

Patriots fans: make excuses for their team's blatant cheating; a little dash of Boston racism for taste
Dolphins fans: view gameday merely as a social event; did not deserve Ace Ventura
Jets fans: have the worst little brother complex of any fanbase in America
Bills fans: nothing bad to say

AFC North:

Steelers fans: knew god-damned well this whole time that Big Ben was doing this shiat
Ravens fans: more violent and easily-agitated than most fanbases, but this is partly because they are forced to live in Baltimore
Bengals fans: got nothing bad to say
Browns fans: seem to actually be more happy when their team is god-awful

AFC South:

Colts fans: all bandwagon jumpers outside of Marion County
Jaguars fans: do. not. give. a. shiat.
Titans fans: seem fine to me
Texans fans: see "Cowboys fans", but subtract some arrogance and add 50 pounds

AFC West:
Broncos fans: easily the most delusional fans in the league; will drink up any Kool-Aid that Pat Bowlen serves; think "in-com-plete" is somehow witty or distracting to opposing teams
Chiefs fans: nothing bad to say
Raiders fans: deserving all these years of shiatty football for being possibly the most violent fanbase in professional sports
Chargers fans: Kendra Wilkinson

Posted by scott at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2010
Think (Tasty) Geek

Ok, I get it. For every dangerously useless government bureaucrat I find under the rocks on the left side of the peanut gallery, you'll find dangerously useless lawyers on the right side. Hey, here's a thought! Let's put the libertarians in charge! They want to take over the government so they can leave you alone!

Posted by scott at 08:32 PM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2010
Blow that Shiat Up

Oh, Earth, how can I destroy you, let me count the ways. A rite of passage in science fiction circles seems to be at least one apocalyptic novel, so I'm surprisingly familiar with, well, all the methods listed here.

Posted by scott at 07:03 PM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2010
LWLLJB

Those ...those ...gay! (color wands galore!) people...CLEVER!

Crazy teenage lesbians. I wonder what Disney is thinking about this?

Posted by Ellen at 10:57 PM eMail this entry!
This Is A Given
Posted by Ellen at 10:51 PM eMail this entry!
And We Would've Done it, too, if it Weren't for You Meddling Kids

Ah, well, it looks like Ellen's dream to draft Amber so they can be the only people running after a storm just got a lot more crowded. The last season of Storm Chasers prominently featured scenes that depicted how crowded the, well, I guess for some it's an occupation, has become. Still, the crowds were unusual, and most of the time the guys in the show really did seem to be all on their own. Which, of course, won't stop them from biatching when "commoners" get in their way.

Posted by scott at 07:11 PM eMail this entry!
A Porsche, for the Rest of Us

At first I was like, dude. Then when he rolled it out of the garage, I was like, dude. It's often said, "to increase speed, add lightness." Leave it to a German to take that maxim and run it right out the other side of lunacy.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2010
You Want 80s? I'll Give You 80s

An auction link, so check it while you can: Feast your eyes on what was once, briefly, the most expensive production car in the world. As of, as I recall, 1982. If inflation calculators are to be believed, it would be priced right around $265k nowadays. All of those people who make fun of Ellen's goofy box of an Italian sedan are pleased to be sitting down and shutting their trap now.

Posted by scott at 09:20 PM eMail this entry!
When Pictures Attack

It seems the guy who's built a career out of being an annoying idiot has finally posted an upskirt too far. Powerful people have been hunting around for an excuse to muzzle this nattering nabob for years. As so often happens in these cases, I'm not sure anyone counted on him providing the lever himself.

Oh, and let's all hope this teaches Miley, and the rest of them, that miniskirts make panties mandatory, eh?

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
Horns B Gone

The noise the South Africans are making with their cheap plastic horns is so annoying the BBC is exploring electronic filters. I happened to be in a restaurant last Friday that had the world cup on, and I can definitely attest to how annoying that din really is. I at first thought there was something wrong with the TV.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2010
Pwn3d!!!
Posted by scott at 04:59 PM eMail this entry!
Smoke 'em if Ya Got 'em

A British soap opera actress was recently told her boobs were too big for HD. The kicker? She's a quite-well-preserved 52 year-old who's character has been on the show for more than twenty years. With picture!

Posted by scott at 04:31 PM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2010
Wax What?

Jeff gets a no-prize that's not a g-d teenager, ok??? for bringing us A preview of Ralph Macchio's latest project. Not sure if that's actually his wife or not, but if she is, well done sir. Well done.

Posted by scott at 08:02 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

Ellen and Amber, let me show you them...

Well, except for the snake. They both like snakes.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2010
Touchy-Feely Fall Down

Mike J. gets a no-prize that can't get up for bringing us a bit of fluff that shows what a modern browser is capable of. Yes, yes, I know, but, like the great man said, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Posted by scott at 07:08 PM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2010
Rigidly Nonconformist

When you see one loopy Japanese teen it seems that maybe they can be individuals after all. It's when you see pictures of dozens of them that you realize well, maybe not. Note: Main pictures are fine but some of the ads are quite NSFW.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2010
Whee!!!

I've often wondered what would happen if a car hit one of those toll booth dividers I regularly drive past every day. Thanks to some chick in the Ft. Worth area, I no longer have to wonder. And alcohol may have been involved? You don't say.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2010
Proper Endings

I'm pretty sure half the audience was expecting Lost to actually end this way. I never got into the program, so I'm just going on the basic amusement value of this. Others may get a better chuckle from it than I did.

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2010
Good Taste? Us???

Ron gets a no-prize that's just not right for bringing us Retarded Policeman #9. The thing is, this is what goes on in the minds of most regular guys. Oh yeah right, like chicks don't take advantage of it.

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
May 28, 2010
Fun with Flames

Any time a guy has a pile of brush and a gasoline can, you know something dumb is about to happen. Kya-boom!

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
Nope, Definitely Not

Mike J. gets a very puzzling no-prize for bringing us a rather curiously labeled door. Years ago the Chevy dealership in the town I grew up in had a sign on its main garage door that read something like, "if this door is down honk your horn and Larry will open it." I always wondered what would happen if Larry called in sick that day.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
May 26, 2010
Insert Butch Cassidy Reference Here

I can think of nothing more discouraging than to set off an explosion so righteous it levels the bank, only to see the obstinately intact ATM bounding away down the street. Leave it to the Germans to take an interesting idea and add so many moving parts to it a failure is nearly as interesting as a success.

Posted by scott at 06:44 PM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2010
When Composition Attacks

As someone who's spent years discarding wonderful photos because of the stupid f--- in the back, it's nice to see I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets to check the background when he pulls the trigger. I only wish my goofs were that amusing.

Posted by scott at 08:14 PM eMail this entry!
May 16, 2010
Oh... Oh, Dear...

Nothing quite like 25 pictures of just how destructive kids can be to put your little hurricane-in-keds in perspective. Bonus: two of Olivia's greatest hits are depicted. I know teenagers have a deservedly worse reputation, but, far as I'm concerned, I definitely don't miss the days when cheese puffs were a weapon of mass electronics destruction.

Posted by scott at 07:48 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2010
Ghey Nerds

Ellen! Ellen! Look! This must be what they were like when they were teenagers! No boobies or winkies, but definitely NSFW nonetheless. But damned funny.

Posted by scott at 08:04 PM eMail this entry!
When Haircuts Attack

Leave it to standard poodle owners to take something as basic as a trim and ram it right out the other side of ridiculous. Ellen does some of these sorts of things to long-hair cats, but she doesn't use dye. Yet.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2010
Mynd you, møøse crashes Kan be pretty nasti

It looks like even the legendary car manufacturer Volvo is not immune to the occasional demo failure. The more you complicate the plumbing, etc.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2010
Better Marriage Blanket

I need one of these. Not for me. Him.

My story, sticking to it.

Posted by Ellen at 09:13 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2010
Red State Point

I'm actually a little surprised I hadn't heard of the weatherman gaffe until now.

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2010
C'mere, You Little Monster

Pat gets a no-prize that'll threaten to stop the car if we don't all settle down for bringing us a mother bear "rescuing" her cub. Me, I think it was less a rescue and more an example of the lengths parents will go to get their kids to shut the heck up.

Posted by scott at 03:09 PM eMail this entry!
Muffin!

“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my muffin.” So did Betty White introduce her delicacy on “Delicious Dish,”

I am sad I forgot about this!

Posted by Ellen at 09:07 AM eMail this entry!
Tick TOOOCK!!!!

One of the less often noted features of pop music is its amazing flexibility. Hopefully the guy won't get busted for violating copyright or licensing. Yeah, it's a parody, but when's the last time that stopped the RIAA?

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2010
Anti-Win

Me: "Ellen, you gotta see this."

Ellen: "The upside down kid is the best... Oh, god, the upside down one... and this one's using the wrong finger... and naked photos..."

Posted by scott at 10:31 PM eMail this entry!
Decimals are Important

It appears that yesterdays market chaos was caused by a trader entering "b" for billions instead of "m" for millions. These sorts of errors are possible often because it never occurs to the developers that someone would be that dumb. Unfortunately, they all too often are.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2010
Aliens Go Where???

I'll see your "OMFG! We want your money and you won't give it to us BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!" politicians and raise you a governor who's been abducted by freaking ALIENS. There's progressive, and then there's progressive.

I WANT TO BELIEVE!

Posted by scott at 10:35 PM eMail this entry!
May 04, 2010
Of Course, it Had to Be a Republican

Yeah, well, no excuses: Republican senator busted looking at porn on the Senate floor. The question for the day is, are Democrats avoiding getting busted on these things because they're just that virtuous, or because they're not smart enough to actually point the web browser at the right site?

I'm sure you've already guessed my answer.

Posted by scott at 06:54 PM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2010
Red Black Humor

Sometimes it takes a few jokes to bring home how awful a place can be. Unfortunately people living in communist regimes have been telling jokes like this all the way back to the days of Lenin. Professors still think it's a viable system of government.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2010
Gamer Video

So, well, do you??? Those of you who liked "Dorkness Rising" would do well to find season 1 of The Guild. Unlike Dorkness, they've announced season 4 of The Guild. Available on DVD and Netflix streaming!

Posted by scott at 07:04 PM eMail this entry!
If Real-Life Gamers Starred in Horror Flicks

Gamers are professional paranoiacs because there really is someone out to get us, and the game master gets to bend the rules to do it.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2010
Sorta Says it All

The fact we can even attempt to compare Social Security with Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme speaks volumes. I've long considered my Social Security contributions as an expensive tax, money I'll never see again. I can state with full confidence that if I'd been given all that money as vouchers meant for tax-deferred accounts my personal retirement portfolio would be far more impressive than it already is.

But no, can't have that. We can't trust you with the money you made! If we just give you that money back who knows what you'll spend it on?

Posted by scott at 04:14 PM eMail this entry!
April 27, 2010
DBPP and Hypnotized Chickens

Power Point presentations have been identified as the next enemy the Pentagon must conquer. The folks at my old workplace were generally not competent enough to actually sew one together. At my new workplace, I'm either too far down the food chain to see one, or everyone's too busy to really mess with them. At any rate, the ones I have seen were mercifully restricted to just one or two slides.

Other folks, with other jobs, likely have a different experience. They'll probably find the article even funnier than I did.

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2010
Zoom-Zoom

Trust me, the only real difference between the inside of this car and mine is the language. Alternate title: a quick lesson in how to swear in Italian.

Posted by scott at 07:16 AM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2010
Damn. Just... Damn...

When posting rants about one's wife, the first advice is to not do it. If one must, one is advised to do so in a forum she does not frequent. Ignore this advice at your peril (post 1, then post 44). It's fun to rant. It's not fun to do it where a permanent record is left behind.

Of course, that assumes the thing isn't some giant hoax. No promises, no wagering.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2010
GIMMEH!!

That would be Octopus: 1, Cameraman: 0. Alien, but smart!

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2010
Crazy is as Crazy Does
Posted by scott at 08:26 PM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2010
I Bet it Goes Well with Fava Beans
Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2010
Watchout for the...

I'm suspicious, because the video is just so perfect, but I still LOL'd at this skateboard fail. Note to the squeamish: does not involve blood or broken bones. But it probably should've.

Posted by scott at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2010
Underoos, for the Rest of Us

Coming to a Target near you: licensed pop culture images on men's underwear. Surprisingly, I do not actually have underwear with the cross-and-serpent on it. And, personally, I'm fine with that.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2010
Conquering the Universe By Being... Delicious

Two words: Bacon AT-AT. Or is that three? Is AT-AT even a word? Oh who knows, I'm sure it violates a license or two. And soooo tasty...

Posted by scott at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2010
Fun with Figurines

I'm not sure why a giant collection of storm trooper pictures is entertaining, but it is. Probably has something to do with all the pollen in the air, that sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
I Know This Can't be Real

Because if it was, it would've been Ellen who got a Droid, not me. It does sometimes seem the dratted little thing is omnipotent. But it's only a perception.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2010
Captain Obvious in the PRC

Berkeley, CA would like to remind everyone Florida has not completely stolen the Golden State's "wtf is wrong with you?" title. Georgetown's singular homeless man was given a tent so he could camp wherever he wanted in the city. I'm not at all sure if he's still around, thought.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2010
How... Charming...

How Zombie-fan Joshua missed out on brain cupcakes is beyond me. Red velvet cake: the utlimate freak-you-out baking good.

Posted by scott at 07:14 PM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2010
Looks Like a James Bond Villan to Me

We heard about the guy who "blinged up" his bald head on the radio yesterday morning. Now we know what that looks like. An Englishman, being eccentric. Ya don't say...

Posted by scott at 07:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2010
Literature, for the Rest of Us

I'm not at all sure if this supposed creative writing exercise is for real, but it sure is funny. A radical right sci-fi nerd getting yoked to a vapidly leftist emo chick? What's not to love?

Posted by scott at 06:42 PM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2010
That's not Very Nice

Occasionally a Fark headline really does make me laugh out loud. When that happens, I think it's worth memorializing: Military commanders in Afghanistan have found that rather than a verbal apology to tribal leaders, the preferred way to ask forgiveness is to give them New Zealand supermodels. Now that's the wrong sort of animalympics right there, son.

Posted by scott at 05:28 PM eMail this entry!
When Costumers Attack

Actually, a couple of these Star-Wars based costumes aren't that bad. And, trust me on this one, they saved the best for last.

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2010
Delusional Meditation

Deepak Chopra seems to have taken the meditation equivalent of a massive dump, and the results were about what he would expect. Problems with causality would seem to not be a monopoly of the religious right after all.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2010
When Cabling Attacks

Just because it's obvious doesn't mean it's not worth repeating: you should always use the cheapest HDMI cables you can find. Click the graphic to make it enlarge. Lamp cord for speakers, good quality RCA cables, and cheap HDMI. Interconnects, for the rest of us!

Posted by scott at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2010
~ Can Somebody Find Me Somebody to Love / Can Any Body Find Meee.. ~

Ahem... ~some body TOOOOOOOOOOOO... LUUUUHhuhuhuhohohuvvvv.~ We especially like the couple with the assault rifle and the parrot.

Posted by scott at 03:13 PM eMail this entry!
In Washington, This is Almost Believable

Annie gets an obstinately silly no-prize for bringing us news that an advocacy group is lobbying to have the Washington Monument moved 300 feet to the left. Why? Because that's where L'Enfant intended it to go, that's why!

Posted by scott at 02:36 PM eMail this entry!
The Country's in the Best of Hands

Now, I understand that island nations have lots of problems specific to their situation. That said, I'm pretty sure one of them capsizing due to overpopulation isn't on that list.

"Well now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise..."

And yes, I realize he's got some weird medical condition making him act this way. If I had a medical condition that made me act that way I would not have any job, let alone one that allows me to tinker with a whole country.

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2010
That's... Colorful...

I'll see your be-winged, be-striped, beknighted rice truck and raise you one dragon. Or "Dagron", as the case may be. Ya know, the defining feature of a riced-out Honda is its base is quite cheap. The Corvette is expensive, even when it's a couple of years old. Ah well. His car, his money, his fun. And mine too, since I get to point and laugh at it.

Compensating for "visa-versa?" Why whatever do you mean?

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2010
Well Why Not?

This time I'm including the lyrics because, while the kids are cute, it's a little hard to understand what they're singing. If it gets kids interested in music, I'm all for it!

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.

And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.

Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.

I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)

Posted by scott at 10:30 PM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2010
The Color Purple...Hair

Posted by Ellen at 09:50 PM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2010
That'll Buff Out

Damion gets a no-prize that's stone-dead reliable, but only to a point, for bringing us this abject lesson in why race car engineers get paid for what they do.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2010
Go On and Play it, I Dare You

You'll have this song in your head the rest of the day...

Dang it, they need to come out with v2.0. It's been, what, three years at least?

Posted by scott at 05:30 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2010
that thou mayst shoot thine enemies full of holes, in thy mercy

Ron gets a no-prize he can hurl down at the wayward people when he returns from the mountain for bringing us The Gospel According to John [Moses Browning]. The only bad things I've consistently read about the 1911 was its weight and its kick. I guess that's why they're still so popular after all these years.

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
March 22, 2010
Well, I'd Hope It'd be LARGE

Ron T. gets a no-prize that'll impress the ladies in the past again for bringing us the best hard-core nerd headline fail of the year. So far. In the past. Or was it, again?

Posted by scott at 10:50 PM eMail this entry!
Tautology, with a Smiley

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll just have to take our word about for bringing us this abject lesson in economic theory. The best part will be the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery will who see injustice and calumny as the lesson to be learned. More's the pity.

Posted by scott at 04:14 PM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2010
I, for One, Welcome Our Robotic Rabbis

Bris?, Seder? Search for Sarah Conner? It's all good. Your mother wants you to visit her. You have fifteen seconds to comply.

Posted by scott at 04:33 PM eMail this entry!
Welcome to the Geek Drama. Please have a Seat

Event: a rich association out-bids a different, slightly less rich association for a prime hotel because someone wasn't paying attention to who was going to be in town that weekend.

Result: ZOMG!!1!!ELVENTY!!! ALGORE IS GOING TO KILL COMICON!!!

I watched a non-profit schedule their annual meeting for 14 years. Getting outbid happens. This reaction? Comic book guy would be so proud...

Posted by scott at 04:28 PM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2010
When Spin Attacks

ZOMG!!1!1ONE!1 Google's gonna take over teh hole wurld!!!

Mike J. gets the coveted "tin foil hat" no-prize for bringing us proof that no matter how hard you try to please people, there's definitely going to be someone out there who'll go all Chicken Little on you for trying.

Posted by scott at 10:21 AM eMail this entry!
Photoshop Fail

Being a professional graphic artist sometimes just means everyone gets to see your mistakes. Some of them are a little subtle but others...

Posted by scott at 09:50 AM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2010
Typo? What's a Typo?

Now, I'm not at all sure if all of these broadcast news "fails" are legit, but most of them sure seem to be. Looks like a combination of "durpdurpdurp", "it's my last day f'it" to me.

Posted by scott at 04:21 PM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2010
I Guess Everyone Needs a Hobby

Sometimes there's no improving the Fark headline: I have no idea what you're talking about so here's a picture of an alpaca surfing off the coast of Peru. No, really.

Sorta reminds me of a really retarded-looking cat. I guess it's the pissed off look I'm recognizing.

Posted by scott at 11:01 PM eMail this entry!
Best. Title. Evar!

That's No Angry Mob, that's My Mother. If my own mom hadn't blown out her knees years ago, I'm just about certain she'd be right up there carrying a sign. Heck, I'd lend Olivia to her to hold another, just for the cuteness effect.

Posted by scott at 09:02 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2010
In Italy, This is Called, "a Discussion"

Hey, it's definitely more interesting than the local news in our town!

Posted by scott at 01:44 PM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2010
I'm Lucky. I Have One. Ok, More Than One.

I live in DC! What do you want!?

Posted by Ellen at 06:39 PM eMail this entry!
At Least It's a Cheerful Thought

Mike J. gets a grimly amused no-prize for bringin us this "oddly specific" graveyard sign. No, Ellen, you can't have it.

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2010
When Customizers Attack

Leave it to the Top Gear crew to resoundingly call out people with too much time on their hands and far too many crayons in their box. The pictures are scary. The captions are a scream.

Posted by scott at 08:22 PM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2010
I Have Absolutely No Idea What to Make of This

Is it a rickroll from 1976? A clever recreation of something that might have come from the 70s? A commercial for "Bob" that went horribly wrong somehow? You decide. Yeah, it's been making the rounds, but I hadn't seen it. Therefore nobody important had seen it either, until now.

Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2010
So That's Where Ellen's House Shoes Came From

WTF Girl Photo - This is who Jim Henson used to call when the muppet show got out of hand.
see more hawtness

Amber got Ellen these ridiculously fuzzy house shoes for Christmas. Now I know who "harvested" them. Go for the picture, stay for the goofy gamer quote at the bottom of the entry.

Posted by scott at 05:36 PM eMail this entry!
What... the... Heck?!?

I have no idea what to make of this. But I like it! Oink oink oink...

Posted by scott at 05:17 PM eMail this entry!
The Grammas In Action

We

see more pictures

No, not Olivia's. This is what's called a "representative sample."

Posted by scott at 05:10 PM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2010
Posters, for the Rest of Us

Yeah I know, been making the rounds, but I thought this set of "truth in movie posters" was funnier than most. Maybe because, for once, I've actually seen several on the list?

Posted by scott at 03:10 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

And it's a nice thought, too. In a weird and twisted way, but still nice.

Posted by scott at 02:15 PM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2010
It's Chav-Tastic!

And now to give Ron and Amber horrific Jersey flash-backs. Some of these I'd seen before, others were quite new. It's my understanding this sort of... behavior... is less a "whole" New Jersey thing and more a "north NJ / East Long Island" sort of thing. None of my in-laws who live in the area look like this, but I bet they know people who do.

Posted by scott at 03:54 PM eMail this entry!
When Bootlegs Attack

Nothing like people who don't even have English as a second language to really get creative with the bootleg merchandise. I think Fox should license those Simpson knock-offs and sell them here as legit. That sort of loopiness just dovetails so nicely with the actual series.

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2010
Chupacabra Found! Living in Oklahoma!

He says it's known as the Dry Gulch chupacabra, after the legendary animal that supposedly sucks the blood of goats.

Really? Goats? This one was found in a trap with a slice of apple.

Posted by Ellen at 05:32 PM eMail this entry!
Deconstruction, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a no-prize don' do nothin' but talk some sense for bringing us this lesson in why it's best to just leave old white people alone. Personally I just want to get my rear home when I'm on the bus. I imagine that's what the old man wanted too.

Update: Some local radio station found the principals, and interviewed them.

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2010
*SNICKER*

Funny Facebook Fails
see more funny facebook stuff!
Posted by Ellen at 09:19 PM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2010
Digging For Diamonds... Bovine Style!

Needless to say, the homebound bovines cause "total chaos," upending furniture, scattering belongings, and generally making a mess of things.

It's not every day that you get guest like these.

Fun thing is, we've been to Murfreesburo digging for diamonds! The little water park at the diamond mine was fun too!

Posted by Ellen at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2010
Puppet Bewbies!

Now wait a darned second, I thought Colorado Springs was a bastion of limousine liberals? A case of me getting my cities messed up, or yet another example of progressives making sure the little people are not led astray? Meh, probably the former, but it'd be funnier if it was the latter.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2010
NNNNERRDDSS!!!

And now, the largest lightsaber battle ever filmed. In Bristol. No, not the planet, the town. I'm not even sure there is a planet Bristol. Oh, God, now I'm doing it too...

Posted by scott at 01:06 PM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2010
Welcome to My World

One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.

At any rate, I got one that was so loopy and yet so characteristic I captured it. You can listen to the redacted version here. Apologies for all the ads, if there's a better host let me know. Enjoy the quirkiness of what wobbling off one's meds actually sounds like.

Posted by scott at 08:58 AM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2010
Aiiiieeeee!!!

No matter how many times you see these, they will always make you laugh.

Wheee!!

Posted by Ellen at 09:21 PM eMail this entry!
Magazines, for the Rest of Us

Now, personally I'd include a few articles about cars, but otherwise these examples of how men would write women's magazines is bang-on. You know, as it were...

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2010
Fun with Searches

Brent B. gets a very instructive no-prize for showing us what a simple Google search can reveal. Which Ron never even thought of. @Ron: Son, I am disappoint.

Posted by scott at 08:04 PM eMail this entry!
That's One Way to Get Rid of It

Ever wonder what would happen to a laptop if you submerged it in liquid nitrogen? Wonder no more. Two observations: a jerk-off who does something unexpected is still a jerk-off, and does that guy look like Egon or what?

Posted by scott at 01:40 PM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2010
Grasshopper Tacos!

Sorry the vid is grainy! It has grease on it. *Scott*

Posted by Ellen at 05:02 PM eMail this entry!
February 19, 2010
Learn Not to Burn

Remember when mom said to never put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow? That's because she didn't think she needed to tell you not to put flaming crap there too.

Because we all know Ellen's much smarter than that.

Posted by scott at 04:33 PM eMail this entry!
February 18, 2010
Maybe This Program Won't Get Cancelled

Leave it to the Onion to just, out of nowhere, completely skewer "the NASA way." Oh don't worry, it's not mean. But it is appropriate. NASA-friend Kevin, you have been warned.

Posted by scott at 12:40 PM eMail this entry!
When Pelicans Attack

No, really, when pelicans attack! In this case, a weatherman who screams like a girl. Buck up, man, it's just a goofy bird!

Posted by scott at 12:26 PM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2010
WANT!

How cute is this!?

I need one!

Posted by Ellen at 09:38 PM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2010
Godwin's Climategate

To this day I haven't found one of those Hitler parodies unfunny. This one is no exception. This marks the second time this re-worded rant matched exactly what I picture going on in the head of one of the people sitting in the extreme left of the peanut gallery.

Posted by scott at 08:21 AM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2010
Paging Deep Purple, White Courtesy Phone Please

Hey, if you can't post a huge website dedicated to a tired, old inside joke about British cars, what's the point of having it? Italian wiring has a good reputation for reliability, as long as you realize the wiring diagram is more of a suggestion than an actual, you know, tool. They make this stuff for computer circuits too, but in smaller, more expensive containers.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2010
Busted

Think of it as an update to the piña colada song, only with a more realistic ending. I don't have to worry about something like that, because a baseball bat cocking backward behind my head doesn't make a noise.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2010
Roarbag

Mark Ron gets a no-prize that'll keep him warm at night for bringing us yet another quirky Japanese interpretation of a mundane bit of camping gear. Honestly, I got nothing for this one.

Posted by scott at 11:27 AM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2010
Whooops!!

Cameraman takes a spill on the ice from our recent storm.

Note how the reporter keeps going. *snicker*

Posted by Ellen at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2010
Now, if it Were Sam Adams...

Mark and Ron share a no-prize that's willing to sacrifice for the right thing for bringing us this viral bit of advertising. It's a little long for a Super Bowl ad, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a 30-second version this weekend.

Posted by scott at 07:36 AM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2010
Your Smile For The Day

Posted by Ellen at 07:08 AM eMail this entry!
Ellen? Is that You?

Hey, trust me, it's an emergency of epic proportions around here too: woman arrested for dialing 9-1-1 repeatedly after losing her cellphone. Eerily Ellen-like denouement: it was found in her jacket while police were searching her. If my wife looked at me like she looked at her phone...

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2010
Wackos, Ho!

Nice to see our side has theatrical wackos too. Oh, shut up. Your side got to do crazy crap like that for the past eight years. Our turn now...

Posted by scott at 05:52 PM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2010
What the Hell Else are Soldiers Supposed to Do?
Posted by scott at 12:32 PM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2010
At Least Now I Know Why Olberman Still has a Job

US TV news isn't quite as formulaic. Oh, who am I kidding? We just have a different formula on this side of the pond.

Posted by scott at 06:12 PM eMail this entry!
Oopsie!

Mark gets a no-prize that makes the dolphin noise for bringing us this silly little bit of fluff.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2010
Oh, the Huge Manatee

I guess tattoo artists don't have the advantage of that red squiggly line you get in a word processor. Some of Ellen's ink looks mis-spelled, but that's because it's in Latin. How do I know it's spelled correctly then? Well, Mark (who wrote it out) is still breathing, right?

Posted by scott at 05:46 PM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2010
Ha-Ha!
Posted by Ellen at 06:39 PM eMail this entry!
Best Sign EVAR!!
Posted by Ellen at 06:26 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2010
Kill it! Kill it with Fire!

NOTE: This is not one of those "giant loud scream at the end" practical jokes, so no worries there. I especially liked his tiny helper's advice at the end.

Posted by scott at 10:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2010
Sugar Noms!

Posted by Ellen at 06:11 PM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2010
How... Tasteful...

Ron gets a gold-plated no-prize for bringing us proof that poor taste knows no color nor national boundary. I think it also just might stand as the signal example of, "if you spend enough money on it, any damned thing can be made to look good." C.f. "Spelling, Tori."

Posted by scott at 03:51 PM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2010
Your Thought for the Day

These things just never stop being funny. Well, to me anyway.

Posted by scott at 09:35 AM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2010
The Dress

20668_289651081787_734831787_5123276_4845636_n.jpg

Who doesn't like a dress with pom-poms on it!

Posted by Ellen at 07:25 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2010
Suddenly, the Japanese have a Challenger

Three words: Star Wars Disco. 70s Star Wars Disco. 70s, French Star Wars Disco. My brother and I almost wore a hole in a copy of that disco single when it was new. In our defense, I was 9 and he was 7.

Posted by scott at 08:31 PM eMail this entry!
That's not Very Nice

Hey, man, scaring the crap out of you as you do your death-defying bungee jump is just what friends are for. I know my friends very well. That's why they'll all be in the next county if I ever try a stunt like this. Kevin and Ron will have to be, I dunno, on Mars or something.

Posted by scott at 08:21 PM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2010
You Gotta be Kidding Me

Two words: Cleavage caddie. Like I need another excuse to go rummaging around in there...

Posted by scott at 08:05 PM eMail this entry!
January 12, 2010
Three Words...

Death. Metal. Chicken.

That's about what it sounds like to me, too.

Posted by scott at 10:04 PM eMail this entry!
It Just Keeps Getting Better

This winter is so cold... [HOW COLD IS IT?!?] ... it's so cold, it renders sea turtles unconscious. Bonus: it's happening in Texas.

By rights, this is a giant trap about to snap into the hottest summer in decades. But I'm not betting money on it.

Posted by scott at 10:00 PM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2010
Oopsie!

Nothing like a few really choice TV news bloopers to start your Friday off right. Includes the infamous, "keep f-ing that chicken" clip that Stern kept playing late last year. In that one, the look on the lady on the left's face is priceless.

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
January 07, 2010
GAK!!

This website is OLD and RICKETY and a pain in the ass to update.. so you get the SAME story from 2 ppl on this site... FACELIFT needed here!

Posted by Ellen at 09:56 PM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2010
Lucas Live

It turns out George Lucas really does have a sense of humor. I know, I know. It just seems like the very few interviews he seems to give mostly involve him patiently putting up with the reporter. Well, yes, he does that here too, but at least laughs at the end.

Posted by scott at 06:05 PM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2010
What a Charmer

Nothing like a bored roommate with access to gay porn to ruin your whole day (SFW). Lemme tell you, one of my family members does that to my electronics, There Would be a Reckoning. And that's only if I got to them first. When Ellen handles things, people just don't show up to work the next day. Or ever.

Posted by scott at 07:11 PM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2010
Proof of that 10,000 Monkeys Thing

Fark just announced the winners of its "Best Headlines of 2009", and they really are that special. Yeah, it's a cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo, but it's my cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo. Unlike Face the Nation, at least these chimps are funny. About as useful, too.

Posted by scott at 07:21 PM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2009
My Kind of Game

Just gotta watch the back-stop, I guess. Mark gets a no-prize that'll he can charge his fellow re-enactors to use for bringing us this great example of "adapt and re-use."

Update: Now with "video that works" goodness!

Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2009
Like Trying to Convince the Tide to Go Back

When A Gramma gets something into her head, it would take nothing short of a crowbar to get it out. The best part is, neither Ellen nor her mother think this lady has much of an accent.

Posted by scott at 03:49 PM eMail this entry!
Sha. Like Mine Would Ever Listen

Nothing quite like someone goofing on Garfield. What? Are you kidding? Ok, here's a hint: my wife and Amber give each other framed pictures of their cats for Christmas, and they aren't joking. I never, ever yell at our cats, especially when Ellen's not around. Yep, that's right.

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
The Year in Review

The sad part is, this is only a little exaggerated. One of my favorites: "On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns."

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2009
Fake, but a Funny Fake

And now, a guy with a blowtorch in his ass. Hey, folks, we know you come here for high brow discussions and fine culture, and we aim to please! Stay classy, AMCG!

Posted by scott at 05:31 PM eMail this entry!
Redneck Rampage

I'm sorry, there's just something about a redneck fisherman messing up that never stops being funny. Probably has something to do with his being from Tennessee.

Posted by scott at 05:26 PM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2009
Dominick The Donkey

Posted by Ellen at 07:59 PM eMail this entry!
Puts a Whole New Meaning to, "Oohh... you have... a sparkly!"

And now, a platinum and diamond vibrator. Yeah, can't see that one heading our way for Christmas any time soon. Seems to me it'd be likely to chafe.

Via, of all places, Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 06:54 PM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2009
He Can't be Happy with How that Ended

Let the Tiger Woods parodies...begin!!! Video is naughty but contains no nudity and, wtf, it's Friday afternoon. Knock yourself out!

Posted by scott at 04:51 PM eMail this entry!
December 10, 2009
Stage 2

First Saturday Night Live, now The Daily Show. The trouble with being funny while making a point is the point sticks a lot better. Well, I guess it's only trouble if the point is toward you.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

lookscool.jpg
Posted by scott at 07:06 PM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2009
Atlas Syndrome

One thing you can always count on the Democrats for is eating their own children. It took me reading it in three places to realize this really is Code Pink going after the sitting president.

Posted by scott at 07:14 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2009
Suddenly the Name Ours Has isn't that Clever

I can remember when there were only 2 other wireless networks detectable in our neighborhood. Recently I had reason to do another scan and there must've been 20. None had names as memorable as this. That sound you hear is Ron furiously scribbling ideas for his, once he gets it.

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
In Other News, Water Wet, Sky Blue

Idea: Compare how men who watch porn compare with those who don't. Problem: Finding someone, anyone, who can make up the latter group. Sometimes even when the experiment fails to get off the ground it can still tell you something.

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2009
Our Father, Who Art in the White House

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll have to protect from the monks when they come boiling out of Hagia Irene tonight* for bringing us this oh-so-subtle bit of symbolism during a recent Obama press conference. It can't possibly be an accident. I'm just amazed the editor had the balls to run the picture anyway.

----
Oh, go look it up yourself this time.

Posted by scott at 07:15 PM eMail this entry!
Fun with Games

While I was never (often) like this, I can think of several dozen guys who were. When they were done messing up text games they'd usually head over to the chat rooms.

You know, chat rooms? They were like IM, but with more nerds and creeps.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2009
Ok, that's Just Tacky

Latest "best of" Fark headline: Rockville Police shoot Jesus. Awwwwwkwaaaaaard. Actual story, with "no, that really is the headline" goodness is here.

Update: Comment bonus:

What do you call a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A guy who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Also: What is the the difference between apathy and agnosticism?

I don't know, and I don't care.

Posted by scott at 10:25 PM eMail this entry!
Over in One

I always knew the Twilight saga could be summed up in a single sentence, I just didn't know it'd be this funny. Then again, this is Hollywood. I'm pretty sure simple is required, if only to help the executives.

Posted by scott at 08:05 PM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2009
Shhh!!!

Nothing like a bit of humor to really skewer a sacred cow. Cue the shrieking watermelon response!

Posted by scott at 12:22 PM eMail this entry!
Holiday Fun, FTW!

Posted by scott at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2009
Fun with Faceboook

See, I'm such a terrible Star Wars nerd it actually bothers me that some of these updates aren't really possible. You know, in a plot-consistent sort of way.

Oh, no, thanks but Ellen gives me a, "needs to get out more" sign at least once a week.

Posted by scott at 07:49 PM eMail this entry!
If it's Stupid and It Works...

... it's not stupid. Alternatively: "I care not what color the cat is, as long as it catches mice." That said, it still looks like something Olivia would bring home after school

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2009
~ And Oh, / After the Love Has Gone ~

Go for the excellent extended parody. Stay for the huffy, "yes, but Bush..." comments. Eventually these people will have to move on, but I'm not holding my breath.

Posted by scott at 10:28 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2009
Why Gamers Make for Lousy Heroes in a Novel

The only minority less likely to die in a haunted house than black people are gamers. Because it'd take us three days of testing and spell casting before we'd set foot in the yard. F'ing ghosts would throw rocks at us to make us go away.

Posted by scott at 08:55 PM eMail this entry!
Of Course They're Bad! Why? Because We Say They Are!

Ah, I get it now. I get it. Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, that Beck guy I've never actually seen but sure seems to get the left side of the peanut gallery riled up, I now see the truth about those horrible, evil people! Now I understand why everyone on that side takes the sports caster with the thick glasses so damned seriously.

Well, then again...

BeckLimbaughCoulter-600x267.jpg
Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
Headline of the Week

Squirrels, having trouble climbing down trees, evolved more flexible ankles. Cats, having trouble climbing down trees, evolved humans with pulleys. Via a Fark note to this article.

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2009
When Wedding Guests Attack

I'm sure there's a bridezilla in your life you'd wish this on. There's definitely NOT one in ours. My story, sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 08:01 PM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2009
But I'm not Bitter...

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2009
But He's not Bitter

The first part of this sounds like Ellen's pre-child apartment. The rest sounds like various cousins and other relations. But not me. I wasn't cool enough for an apartment. But man, we tore up that dorm room! [Geeky snort!]

Posted by scott at 07:38 PM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2009
Tick... Tock...

Go for the report about a cop who called 9-1-1 because he thought he was OD'ing on pot brownies. Stay for the anchor desk that won't stop giggling. I know, I know, stoners aren't funny. But these are.

Posted by scott at 09:30 AM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2009
AAAEEEEEYAAA!!!

Roundabouts are supposed to slow drivers down. Frequent readers will note the use of the word "supposed". Hopefully nobody got hurt.

Posted by scott at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
They're from the Bay Area? Really?

I guess it's just as well I never saw the aerobics dance championship when it first aired. Not that, you know, anything's wrong with that.

Posted by scott at 07:15 AM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2009
Oh Dear

And now, men with mustaches. One of them is traditional, two of them don't look ridiculous. The rest? Well, you'll have to see for yourself.

Posted by scott at 10:36 AM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2009
At Least This One isn't Stupid

Just in time for the sequel to premiere, we have proof SNL can still sometimes be relevant. And that Taylor Swift is at least as good an actress as what's-'er-name. But since he's not, you know, sparkly, I don't think Amber will be as interested in this one.

Posted by scott at 08:00 PM eMail this entry!
November 06, 2009
Ok, Who Gave Ron the Keys to the Grounds Keeper's Shed?

When I was in high school, this sort of thing would've passed nearly unnoticed. Google maps. Is there anything it can't make better?

Posted by scott at 06:40 PM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2009
A Blast from Ellen's Past

Once again, I get to make a Foxworthy joke about my yankee and emphatically not redneck wife. To wit: "If you can recognize a wrestler, and identify the wrestlemania he starred in, just by the theme song they play...

Me, I called it, "giant costumed white guy chases around skinny well dressed black guy."

And yes, children, at one time that sort of flat top was thought to be cool.

Posted by scott at 08:31 PM eMail this entry!
Not that There's Anything Wrong with That

We all know them. now they have a name. And they're taking it back! Bah. I'm not even that cool.

Posted by scott at 08:20 PM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2009
A Winning Fail

I have found college friend Kevin's long-lost brother, driving a forklift in a warehouse somewhere in Russia. Meh. Coulda been worse. Coulda been beer.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
When Access Attacks

I think the ultimate point is that, even after spending millions of dollars on fancy things like pretty people, clever writers, and glossy special effects, network TV still can't do better than a weirdo with one camera. And to think at one point network TV was all there was.

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

japan.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2009
This is Funny and Sweet At The Same Time

Posted by Ellen at 06:02 PM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2009
Yup, That's Ellen

I don't know which was better, the flow chart on how women shop for shoes, or the fact that Ellen read through the first one and didn't even bother to scroll down to read the second. "I know what it says... 'I need a pair of shoes, I go buy a pair of shoes.'"

So close it's scary.

Posted by scott at 04:28 PM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2009
Yeah, I Don't Think So

Wtf? these shake weight things are getting out of control. Then again, considering all the free publicity the inventor is getting, he's probably embarassed all the way to the bank. Free enterprise, FTW!

Posted by scott at 05:26 PM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2009
Gotta Have One!

So now, let us all pause to remember the Yugo, a car so basic it literally gave new meaning to the phrase, "basic transportation. When the best you can do is promote your car's wiring being wrapped in plastic, well son, you've got some problems we need to discuss.

Posted by scott at 09:52 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2009
My Kind of Work Out

Mark gets a well-toned no-prize for bringing us the ultimate in women's workout accessories. Video is very SFW. Audio is mildly blue, but very, very funny.

UPDATE: Ellen looked over and said, "Dude, that's a real product. Do another Google search." You know what, she was right. The real video is actually funnier than the parody.

Now, to write down that 800 number...

Posted by scott at 09:44 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

stantisnobel.gif

Posted by scott at 04:44 PM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2009
Bah. Soap is Soap

Still, the look on this kid's face is pretty darned funny. I guess it's true... women have a soap for every damned thing.

Posted by scott at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
And the Award for Best Actor Goes to...

All this time, I thought it was basketball players who, well, played up the drama in the hopes of drawing a foul. Turns out they got nothing on soccer players. Of course, soccer's always struck me as basketball writ-large, so maybe it's no coincidence?

Posted by scott at 08:14 AM eMail this entry!
That Would Be Traffic: 1, Viper: 0

All the high performance in the world won't get you past the basic physics of traffic. My luck, I'd be the last one on that ramp, in the Spider.

Posted by scott at 08:07 AM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2009
Ok, that's Just Tacky

Joshua and Bobby and Ron and Mark and Rick and... oh hell, you get it, I have found your costume. Except for Kevin. Because he doesn't need another excuse to wander into traffic...

Posted by scott at 08:14 PM eMail this entry!
Best. Fark. Headline. Evar!!!

Old & busted: No spanking your children. New hotness: No yelling at your children. Coming soon: Why does mommy have a drinking problem?

Ok, the article's not that funny, but it's a rare headline indeed that makes me literally laugh out loud.

Us? Well, let's just say I'm glad that time-outs and "groundings" have so far been all we need. Did I mention how I'm so not looking forward to 13?

Posted by scott at 07:10 PM eMail this entry!
But..But..But...Alfas!!!

upskirt.jpg

What would Scott do?

Posted by Ellen at 04:37 PM eMail this entry!
HAHA!!

Thanks to Mark for the funny!

Posted by Ellen at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2009
Naming Names

Today's goofing on a kid's name comes from Livingston Parish, LA.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2009
FORE!!

Bobbing along at a depth of 754 feet, it is unlikely these balls of Loch Ness will ever see the light of day again.

Oh come on now... we all know those are the eggs of Nessie.

Conspiracy I tell ya!

Posted by Ellen at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
October 10, 2009
It's Official, the World's Gone Mad

First a Nobel prize for general awsomeness, now golf is an Olympic sport. That's it. I'm done. Stop the world, I want to get off!

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2009
Ya Got a'Right Purty Truck...

Englishmen really need to glom onto the fact that sometimes being cute and clever has its limits. I distinctly remember Ellen locking the doors and asking me to drive faster when we got to Fifty-Six, Arkansas*. I, being well aware of what tiny Southern towns can be like, instead drove 2 mph UNDER the speed limit, as quickly as I could.

The thing is, there are places in Wales, Scotland, and Cornwall that'd be just about as hostile. I doubt they'd even last half as long in Australia. In other words, it ain't just us.

----
* Population: 71

Posted by scott at 06:44 PM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2009
It's a Little Like That... Maybe a Lot

I've seen both my parents do at least two of these things at least once. Me? Well, if I'm not in the kitchen to get a beer then I might as well not be in the kitchen.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
October 07, 2009
Oops

This sucks

I wonder what happened next?

Posted by Ellen at 06:17 AM eMail this entry!
Personal Sick Space

How not to catch the swine flu.

Posted by Ellen at 06:14 AM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2009
Hooray for Fail!

A classic:

I link this not because it's unknown... it's been around awhile. I link it because, and I am not making this up, ten years ago this is exactly what Ellen would've done, except she would've done it when the snake came out, not when the lizard jumped. People who've read this site for only a few years will say, "wha???"

Yes, folks. Ten years ago I married a woman who pretty much defined, "deathly afraid of snakes." Now I have a wife who owns two, only because I won't let her own five. Chicks are, as they say, weird.

Posted by scott at 08:26 PM eMail this entry!
Oh, Hai!!!

Nothing like being surrounded by human-scale items for putting a very large, very dangerous, and very free polar bear into perspective. There's big, and then there's polar bear big. And a big thumbs-down to the Fark thread, which didn't produce a single steal-able lol from this remarkable picture.

Posted by scott at 04:22 PM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2009
It's Really Quite Good

Those who haven't glommed onto Top Gear because "It's a Car Show" will do well to review the same guy's take on hot sauce. Well, "nuclear land fill oh please I'm more afraid if I don't die" American hot sauce, that is. The show is actually funnier, because there are three of them and they play off each other.

Posted by scott at 09:31 PM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2009
When Lateral-G Attacks

Ya know, there's a reason they make you wear a 4-point harness on a race track. Especially at Laguna, where (as I've been told) you end up pulling appreciable negative G, due to the elevation changes at the corkscrew. I only ever drove it in a video game, and that was challenging enough.

Posted by scott at 07:58 PM eMail this entry!
Cllllassy!!!

Hey, checkit... trim that'll fit the Milano *AND* the Spider! I always wondered where those ghetto boiz got their bling. Little surprise it's about as generic as the innocent, unsuspecting Japanese sedans they inflict it on.

Posted by scott at 06:43 PM eMail this entry!
MAHBUCKET!!!!
Posted by Ellen at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2009
~ Oh You'll Never Hear One of Us Repeating Gossip ~

Being famous means you get away with outrageous crap. It also means people get to talk about it, and potentially make up even more outrageous crap. Dang. I got tricked into caring about what celebrities do again!

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
September 28, 2009
And the Theater Goes, "BoooOOOoooOO"

The thing is, Ellen has no problem with the idea of chasing tornadoes. You know, big, disastrous, destructive things that quite patently exist, get caught on video all the time, and kill those unfortunate enough to be in their path. However, she will not even entertain the idea of spending the night in an old, broken down house who's worst threat is a nasty rat or a big spider. So, guess which thing will really scare her?

No such thing as ghosts!

Posted by scott at 07:50 PM eMail this entry!
The More You Know...

For my friends on the opposite side of the aisle, there's this typically-reasoned guide to keeping us conservatives from being, well, so darned angry about everything:

Conservatives are very angry these days. I haven’t seen conservatives this angry since the last time a Democrat was president. So the anger is probably because the president is black. While that might not seem so bad, conservative anger could lead to something disastrous: their mobilizing to vote against Democrats.

It's funny because all of this really is how you guys are coming off now that you've got all the reins. Oh I know, I know, my side wasn't any better. Then again, it wasn't my side that got all starry-eyed when "hope and change" was mentioned, eh?

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2009
The Dorkness is Strong with These

Ok, maybe it's a little like this. Ok, actually, probably it's a lot like this. Ellen and Amber both liked to make fun of how nerdy their husbands were back in the day. The look on their faces when they were reminded they voluntarily married said dorks was sweet indeed.

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2009
I Wonder What *THUD* Translates to in Arabic?

Ever wonder how those translators manage to hang on through hours and hours of translating a bloviating blowhard at the UN? Well, turns out, they don't. I guess after awhile even the absurdity of it all wears thin.

Posted by scott at 06:56 PM eMail this entry!
Bloody Peasants...

Mark gets a no-prize that hangs on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society for bringing us an example of the only way I'd end up in a May Day parade. I like the guy who starts marching backward the best.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2009
Now That's Just Tacky

Like the old video store rental records with an arms-length list of the porn you rent, a record of what people actually search for reveals us for what we are, not what we tell people we want to be.

Posted by scott at 07:15 PM eMail this entry!
September 22, 2009
What a Tough Job

File this one under nice work, if you can get it: helping a video starlet adjust her outfit on the latest shoot. No, really, things were just out of place! Oh, don't worry, completely SFW.

Posted by scott at 07:49 PM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2009
Smells Like Middle Aged Desperation

Before Match.com, before chat rooms, before the internet itself, there was video dating. And it was good. Well, good, in a "really ridiculous hair styles and ugly sweaters" sort of way. Is it just me, or does the viking come off as the most sincere?

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 08:31 PM eMail this entry!
I Guess They Found the Trumpet Players

Oh noes! The end of the world is... today!!! Well, there goes the rest of my week...

Posted by scott at 11:48 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2009
The Nerdiness is Strong with This One

Bobby gets a no-prize with way too much time on its hands for bringing us the 1000 & 2nd use for one of those 3D printer things. Why people waste their time with goofy Star Wars memorabilia when they could be doing something useful like reproducing parts for obscure old Italian sedans I never will understand...

Posted by scott at 07:31 PM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2009
Just Brilliant!

Mark gets a magnificently tacky no-prize for bringing us the people of Wal-Mart. Finally a real use for a cell-phone camera! All this time I thought the selection of weirdos at the local Shoppers was colorful. I had no idea.

Posted by scott at 04:21 PM eMail this entry!
But Wait! There's More!

What? Doesn't everyone want to stick a naked infant in a net and hang it out the window? Just because they make a nifty picture does not mean they make life easier.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2009
Bah. In MY Day...

I guess "inappropriate" is in the eye of the beholder. Are some of these toys weird? Yes. Are they tacky? Yes. Are they from cultures different from ours? Yes. When I was a kid, parents got lists of toys that would kill you. Good times, good times...

Posted by scott at 05:56 PM eMail this entry!
September 16, 2009
Before n' After

Turns out that, no matter how glamorous an adult may be, when they're teenagers, they're just as dorky as you and me. Well, except for Ryan Seacrest, who was downright unrecognizable.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
September 15, 2009
I. Love. This. SHOW!!!

Posted by scott at 09:03 PM eMail this entry!
September 14, 2009
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH

Ok, it took me a little bit to get it, but I'm sure you'll figure it out a lot faster.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2009
And Now For A Funny...

19 ways of being creative with handwritten signs.

Posted by Ellen at 05:26 PM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2009
Talk About Your Delusions of Grandeur

Four words: Animals with Light sabers. Ellen will be deeply disappointed there aren't any parrots. But there are cats aplenty!

Posted by scott at 06:10 PM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2009
They Call This a Mystery?

Jeff gets a no-prize that belong to us for bringing us the "story" behind the latest custom Google logo. Alternate title: when numerology attacks!

Posted by scott at 03:35 PM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2009
That's Definitely not How I Remember it Going

Quick, before they correct it, check out the plot summary. It would've been a much better movie if they'd made it that way.

Posted by scott at 09:38 PM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2009
OKayyyy...

Meh. It's your body, do what you want with it. I just reserve the right to laugh at the results. No nekkid people in the pictures, but a few of the tattoos are not something you'd want someone to see over your shoulder at work. But hey, it's Sunday, knock yourself out!

Posted by scott at 07:54 AM eMail this entry!
September 01, 2009
Ah, to be Young Again

For a long time caffeinated drinks didn't do much for me. Then a few years ago something in my body chemistry changed and they started doing a LOT for me. Then the ol' bod changed again and I started to get frightening, but turns out otherwise harmless, heart palpitations. So I'll just have to admire this guy's experiment from afar. I seem to recall college friend Bobby tried things like this for the f- of it back in the day. Nowadays, maybe not so much.

Posted by scott at 01:40 PM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2009
~ Said it Once Before but it Bears Repeating ~

This one's for NASA-employed friend Kevin: "India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in"

From Fark's weekly "best of" thread.

Posted by scott at 04:06 PM eMail this entry!
Uh.. I've Never Seen Bakers Like This... Ever.

Posted by Ellen at 07:51 AM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2009
~ Still Crazy, After all These Years ~
Posted by scott at 01:31 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2009
I Drank What?!?

Finally, a consumer's union that reviews things we need to find out about. You know, like how good various kinds of cheap booze are. I'm way too old for that sort of foolishness nowadays. Come to think of it, I was way too old back in the day. Some of my old college buddies, maybe not so much.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2009
Geek Critique

I think I can honestly say I had this conversation with just about all my college buddies at one time or another. That, and just what it was that made a thermal detonator, well, tick. Oh don't worry, we all eventually got lives. Of a sort.

Posted by scott at 06:54 PM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2009
How Joshua Missed This I Never will Know

"AMCG," we hear you ask, "that wonderful preacher with the tent came by my town and ensured I was ready for The Rapture. My soul is clean with minty freshness, and his ability to guide us through judgment is ensured by my large donation. We've known Fluffy the Cat was going to hell since she crapped in my new shoes. But what about Skipper? He's such a sweet dog!"

Fear not, friendly fundie, AMCG is here to help! Presenting Eternal Earthbound Pets, a service which promises to, for a modest fee, provide an atheist to care for your pet once you have been taken up to your ultimate reward. Act now! The spelled-in-reverse bone-gnawing deity you save could be your own!

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 19, 2009
Just for Fun... FAIL!
Posted by Ellen at 01:24 PM eMail this entry!
Ok, 51 Really Stings

The new Beloit College Mindset List, which details things incoming freshmen have "never" and "always" known, has been revised again. #64 took me a few seconds to get my head around, since I've bought a CD in a cardboard case in the past year. Then I remembered what they really once were like.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
A Group Ride, for the Rest of Us

Leave it to the Germans to combine fitness with its opposite. If any of us who regularly do a group ride on the weekend had one of these, I think it'd be a whole lot easier to get extra people to come out, eh?

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
August 18, 2009
Can I Get a, "DUH?!?" From the Audience?

"Ric Romero here, reporting live from Britain. Scientists have detected a link between UFO sightings and UFO depictions in the popular media." What I think is interesting is how similar stories of mysterious flying objects were reported in the 19th century, except there the craft were depicted as giant boat-like machines attached to balloons. There's definitely something going on, but I think it has more to do with the space between our ears than it does the space above our heads.

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” -- Calvin.

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
I'm Sure This Will End Well
Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2009
I Guess There's a List for Everything

Normally Cracked's various lists are, to me anyway, a little lame, but this "5 creepiest sex scenes in comics" was fun anyway, because I remember reading the issue which held their #2 (as it were) entry. I don't recall being disturbed by it, I just thought it was kinda weird. Being, as I recall, 13, I was much more interested in the improbable proportions of the tightly costumed super-ladies. The stories were just excuses to get them to move around.

Dude. I was 13, in a small Arkansas town, before internet pr0n. Of course I was desperate!

Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2009
Maybe Downhill, in a Hurricane

Speaking of delusions of grandeur:

1972 Alfa Romeo Spider, in fair shape [...] runs great and with this engine the top end is over 200 mph!

The mind boggles...

Posted by scott at 07:38 PM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2009
Amy G

Fun with kazoos!

Posted by Ellen at 07:51 PM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2009
Amber? Is That You? II

There's camping, and then there's camping. Driving tourism dollars to a small North West town is all well and good, but did it have to involve sparkly vampires?!?

Posted by scott at 07:18 PM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2009
When Librarians Attack

Well, maybe not attack, but certainly march. Annie gets a no-prize that's entertaining but no threat to DCI for bringing us proof that even the lady who shushes you has a sense of humor.

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2009
Morrr... Rythmmm...

He... He... he sees white people!!!

I'm not completely sure what the point is, other than it's funny. And it'll likely offend a few of the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery. If it does, my work will be complete.

Posted by scott at 09:47 PM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.
Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."
Knight turned the machine off and on.
The machine worked.

Maybe Ellen will get it this time...

Posted by scott at 11:52 AM eMail this entry!
And This is Bad BeeeCUZZZ?

Two words: dissolving bikini. Of course, this is predicated on someone who SHOULD wear a bikini, instead of someone who WANTS to wear one. The former is, after all, only a subset of the latter.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2009
This Pretty Much Explains Me, and Every Other Guy I Know

Both of The Grammas are sighing and shaking their heads.

Posted by scott at 07:54 PM eMail this entry!
Musical Interlude

Bonus: a demonstration of a record changer!

Posted by scott at 04:01 PM eMail this entry!
And Now, Your Moment of Zen

Next up, Women with flower pots on their heads. No, really! Don't worry, all will be made right just two picture-clicks to the, well, right.

Oink Oink Oink.

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
Well, No Damned Wonder He's so Hard to Find

Having driven around our nation's capital many times, I can think of no other, better, place for our current boogey-man to reside. I guess he road-trips down to Bailey's when he needs to go to Home Depot, eh?

Posted by scott at 12:45 PM eMail this entry!
Well that's... Unfortunate...

As noted on Fark, some articles just can't be improved. You'd think someone would've explained it to them before they went to press. Either that or there's a headline writer in a lot of trouble this morning.

Posted by scott at 07:07 AM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2009
Ok, that's Just Silly

All right, who let Beavis and Butthead play around with the molecular chemistry gear? Or is this absolute proof God exists, and has a sense of humor? Perhaps God is Beavis and Butthead? The mind boggles...

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
WHEEE!

Today's, "vehicle goes swimming incident" is brought to you by Aloha (no, really) Oregon. One look at the truck makes me think they'll need to drain the water twice to get that pool clean.

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2009
bOOOOOObz!!!

For Ron.

Posted by Ellen at 07:10 AM eMail this entry!
Storm Surge

What happens when you combine Hawaii-sized surf with New Jersey-skilled surfers? Well, you get this. Wide World of Sports, they ain't.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2009
Talk Talk

Oh, I know, I know, he'll lose 90% of you the second he says anything nice about Bush. But it takes about 40% of the program before that happens, and in the meantime you can thrill, as did I, to someone quite calmly saying in public that Obama is full of crap. I mean, really, it has been so very long since I've seen anything remotely critical of our current president it literally took my breath away to see it on what looks just enough like a TV to count.

Why, thank you for this sign. But you see, I'm afraid you've made a mistake, my name isn't, "Mr. N. Eeds Togetoutmore." Not even close.

Posted by scott at 03:07 PM eMail this entry!
That Didn't Work Out So Well

Leave it to Fark to dredge up what Ebony magazine thought, in 1985, what Micheal Jackson would look like in 2000. The headline used there was quite appropriate: "1985 Ebony Magazine prediction of what Michael Jackson would look like in the year 2000. Billy Dee Williams stands up in protest and kills a Colt 45".

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2009
Look! Look! He's Got a Spider in the Garage!

I swear. I swear. The very first thing I noticed about this particular ad was the Spider in the garage. My story. Sticking to it.

And that garage? Oh, that garage...

reallywantraccoonpd7yx3.jpg
Posted by scott at 07:28 PM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2009
Moon Landing, Back to the Future

Personally, I think the twitter posts were the best.

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
When Quirky Germans Attack

The British are famous for their love of the garden variety eccentric. The Germans, being who they are, won't be happy unless their eccentrics are doing something complicated, with a lot of engineering involved. With pictures!

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2009
You've Gotta be Kidding Me

Guess what the second choice you get on a Google search for, "tell me something silly" is.

Wrong. (SFW!)

Because my brain is smoking from implementing my very first honest-to-god state machine, and this particular system has 22 different states. And counting. That's why.

Posted by scott at 01:21 PM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2009
An Encylopedia, for the Rest of Us

Sure it's a one-gag joke, but it's a funny one gag joke. Especially if you're one of our friends, to whom a wookie tag has been stuck firmly.

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2009
I Think it's Cos of the Waffles

So, since there are no nearby Waffle House restaurants (Waffle Houses?), I guess we won't get our fair share of weirdness? Meh. This is N. Virginia. You know, the place where you can have a North, South, East, and West version of a street all meeting at a corner? We got our weirdness built-in.

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
Coming to a Vegas Casino Near You

Just when you thought you'd seen it all, now they've discovered Michael Jackson's face in a branch stump. As in "sawed a branch off the tree" stump. I do hereby proclaim that media's period of exploiting mourning the King of Pop to be over. Either that, or it's all jumped the shark. Probably both.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

ATT00062.jpg

Mark gets an accessorized no-prize for bringing us this ultimate demonstration of coolness.

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
July 12, 2009
And That, Friends, is How Amber Became a Widow

Posted by scott at 02:19 PM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2009
Now That's a Prank

The concept is almost certainly Japanese, but the execution? The execution is almost certainly European. NSFW! Want to see my wife's reaction? Fast forward to the 48 second mark.

Posted by scott at 05:27 PM eMail this entry!
My Wife, Let Me Show You Her...

Cute chick trying to be polite: check.

Self-same chick doing their level best to P-R-O-V-I-D-E the answer: check

Watching someone who desperately wants to make fun of the idiot and can't quite stop themselves: Check

Really, this is what Ellen deals with on a daily basis.

Posted by scott at 05:18 PM eMail this entry!
Clitter!

Posted by Ellen at 04:54 PM eMail this entry!
Car of the Future

J. Pena gets a union-endorsed no-prize for bringing us this literal "shape of things to come."

Actually, I'll be surprised if cars are even this much fun after the greens and the progressives that infest the current Congress are through with them. Meh, what do I care? The newest car I own is nearly ten years old.

Posted by scott at 07:45 AM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2009
Well there You Go Then

Not a single Alfa in the bunch!

What's that?

You say Alfa didn't import enough to even register on the meter?

Philistine.

Posted by scott at 10:09 PM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2009
Moms Who Drink and Swear

I really did not believe this site exist, but it does!

Hello bitches. Welcome to reality. Real moms get frustrated and say things that they regret. Real moms often have no time to shower, rarely get to take a dump alone and need other real moms to lean on. No judgement here, just over the top stories, rants and good drink ideas.

Moms who drink and swear is about reality. There are days when I see some mom all dolled up in the grocery store and I just want to ask her how the hell she pulls it off. I'm usually in my pajamas dragging my whining kids along, yelling , "I SAID NO ! "over and over. I have survived motherhood for the past nine years by leaning on the real moms who convinced me that having a kid (or two) was a good idea. You were right!

This is not a site for the humorless or serious type mom.

Just awesome... LOL!

Posted by Ellen at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
July 03, 2009
What... the... F---?!?

Neither one of us has any idea what, exactly, to make of this.

Except that, you know, he's a bad dog, and stuff...

Posted by scott at 09:42 PM eMail this entry!
Dude. Wait, What? (BOING!!!)

Lisa R. gets the coveted Jeff Spicoli no-prize for bringing us news of a rather surprising discovery about who, exactly, is making crop circles "down undah." Beats eating Vegemite!

Posted by scott at 12:34 PM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2009
Well This Explains Everything

I'd already decided to wait for the next Transformers movie to come out on video just because it's polling 25% on Rotten. This Transformers "FAQ" just seals the deal. Oh, and Ellen had been calling them "the racist twins" for weeks.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2009
Don't Stop Me Now

Yeah, it's dumb, but it's the very first not-quite-official-maybe advertisement for US Alfa Romeos! And the car's pretty neat looking too!

Posted by scott at 05:42 PM eMail this entry!
He Got Better

Jeff Goldblum, as you all will by now know, is dead. How can I be so sure? Just ask him!

The best part is all the footage from Today New Zealand.

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2009
Git 'er Done!

Presenting There, I Fixed It, a one-stop-shop for every ad-hoc fix ever imagined. Some are ingenious, most are tacky, and a few are downright terrifying. Suddenly that bailing wire fix we temporarily implemented on the Milano, well, it don't look so bad.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

Liberal_Brain.jpg

Mean-spirited? Simplistic? Nasty? Moi?!?

Posted by scott at 03:23 PM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

Thing is, I absolutely remember this jingle, and I think I remember this ad. Gotta love those hats!

And I only wish I could've seen this one. Just because, you know, we don't have Carl's Jr.'s around here, eh?

Posted by scott at 10:45 AM eMail this entry!
June 25, 2009
Ok, I'm Pretty Sure that's Bad

It would seem getting a big boat in the water is a lot harder than it looks. Failing to do it right would seem to have much worse consequences as well.

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2009
Just Say No

I have no real idea what to make of this, other than it took me getting about half way down the list to realize it the author was a dude and not a chick. No pictures of dudes anywhere, seems like an honest mistake. Made it less interesting, but only a little. I never did subscribe to the shotgun method of dating.

I recognize a few of the other bits on the site, so this is all probably old news to everyone else. Still, since I'd never heard of it before nobody really important had ever heard of it, so there ya go.

Posted by scott at 04:19 PM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2009
Find that Phone!

I'm not sure which is sillier, the fact that the skinny white guy went to the ghetto to find his phone, or the fact that he treats his phone like a pet. Ellen doesn't treat hers like a pet. When she lost her phone, what I saw looked more like a junkie who just realized their best dealer had gone to jail forever. It was about as pretty as you'd expect that to be.

Posted by scott at 02:49 PM eMail this entry!
~ Keep Spendin' Most our Lives / Livin' in a Wanksta Paradise ~

You know it's just not possible for us to ignore a site called "wiggaz.com". Making fun of media-manufactured sub-culture that's unintentionally making fun of itself and another media manufactured sub-culture? Oh hell yes!

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2009
Truth in Labeling

Ya know, I think there may be something to this. Ron making a comment about how superior his poofta drinks are in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
Now That's a Party

Sometimes there's just no improving on the lede:

A man was arrested near Victoria, B.C., after police found him unconscious in the driver's seat of a car with a naked woman unconscious in the passenger seat.

But wait! There's more!

Saanich police Sgt. John Price said officers found marijuana, heroin, crystal meth and GHB inside the car.

Yee-haw!

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2009
Another Italian Car Moment

This is just so classic:

First the radio getting swiped now this. So I started it up yesterday and was letting it warm a bit before driving out of my garage and I absent-mindedly pushed in the lighter. What happened defied all logic and belief! All the idiot lights lit up momentarily, I think a warning chime sounded, the voltage gauge dropped to zero and the car shut right off, dead, no more idiot lights. I've checked every single fuse and relay and they all seem fine. The interior lights still work, headlights work, you turn the key and no idiot lights light up and it will crank but not fire...

I can't help but think a ground has gotten bodged up by the theft of his stereo, but that's just a guess. Sometimes having a simple car with a cheap radio is a good thing!

Posted by scott at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
INK FAIL!
Posted by Ellen at 07:59 PM eMail this entry!
Shoo Fly!

No Prize to Christine for the link!

Posted by Ellen at 07:52 PM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2009
YO YO YO YO YO... BAWLLSTON IN DA HAYOUSE!!

I've been to each and every one of the locations of this video. I drive by most of them pretty much every day. They didn't quite catch my workplace in one scene, but they came close

Posted by scott at 08:00 PM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2009
My Wife, Let Me Show You Her...

It's even worse when she loses her phone. The shaking is what scares me the most.

Posted by scott at 06:40 PM eMail this entry!
When... Colorful People... Attack

Oh who cares... if they want to have a whole day dedicated to dressing up like aliens, let 'em. I just wish some of them would do a better job with the makeup.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2009
Wait... There was a Car?

I'll bet your favorite car doesn't have trashy Eastern European dancers flouncing all over it! It's always a good sign when the dancer's eyes have that thousand-yard stare. The sad thing is there are a lot of guys out there who wouldn't care.

You know, like me.

Oink oink oink...

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2009
June 09, 2009
~ Questions, We Get Your Questions / We Get Your Questions Everyday ~

Personally, I find the question about the smoking vagina the most intriguing. I'm not completely sure why.

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2009
His name is What?

Ron gets a no-prize that'll make an engraver's day for bringing us this collection of married names that really shouldn't be hyphenated. Some of them are so incredible I have a hard time taking them seriously. Then again, a rose by any other name...

Posted by scott at 01:01 PM eMail this entry!
When the Past Attacks

That hangover may only last a day, but those pictures? Those pictures will last forever. The sad thing is that shots from the 80s now qualify as quaint and funny.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2009
It Came... From... The 80s

There are no words for how awesome this is. When my daughter asks me what it was really like to grow up in the 80s, I'll just show her this. Then she'll really be confused.

Posted by scott at 06:55 PM eMail this entry!
It's BAAACK!!!

Get it while you can: Top Gear's Alfa Romeo Challenge is once again available.

SEE

Amazing race action!

SEE

Expert restoration artists bring these cars to a whole new level of character!

SEE

A kaopectate-green Milano compete in a concours with a Spider who's water pump consists of a barrel of water and a hand crank!

RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO YOUR NEAREST YOUTUBE-CAPABLE COMPUTER!

Posted by scott at 11:27 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2009
MY EYES!!!

633728094018111460-boobjob.jpg

More here.

Posted by Ellen at 10:16 PM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2009
The Best Re-Do Evar!

Posted by Ellen at 08:19 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

The manuscript is for-real. Me, I think it's a concrete example of a time traveler's artifact, aging in reverse.

Posted by scott at 07:36 PM eMail this entry!
When Roommates Attack

Why I haven't thought to do this to Ellen, I don't know. Oh yeah, wait, I do know. Because I like breathing.

However, there was the time Ellen was downstairs breaking using my computer because she'd broken hers. Friend Mark had sent her one of those "shrieking surprise" e-mails with the note "be sure to turn it up and listen closely, it's really hard to hear the ghost in the background." Which she did, on my 600 watt 5.1 Klipsch speaker rig.

So imagine me sitting quietly upstairs, reading a magazine. Suddenly, all the furniture bounces 2" into the air, and the tail-end of a scream can be heard in the background. Surprisingly, Mark is still above ground. I, on the other hand, was in deep trouble because I should've known she was going to turn the volume up on that @#$%'ing lunatic speaker set of mine and how in the world does a normal person end up with something that can play sounds that loud and...

Ah, the bliss of married life.

Posted by scott at 10:07 AM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2009
Only in California

Those who claim Californians don't have a lick of sense have just been proven slightly wrong:

On May 21, a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" because she believed "crunchberries" were real fruit. The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit. She sued, on behalf of herself and all similarly situated consumers who also apparently believed that there are fields somewhere in our land thronged by crunchberry bushes.

This sudden outbreak of common sense simply cannot last. Quick! Someone call the Octo-Mom!

Posted by scott at 06:59 AM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2009
Ouch!!!

I'm not sure what's funnier: the college kid getting bulls-eyed with a pan handle, the way his female colleague reacts, or the oh-so-serious caption text on the right. Regardless, there's plenty of chuckles to go around. If only there'd been sound. Explain this one to the OSHA guy.

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
Dance Like Nobody's Watching...

... and sometimes, just sometimes, the world may start dancing with you.

I'm rapidly reaching the age at which I could care less what the rest of the world thinks I look or act like. I'm not sure I'm this far gone yet. Probably take Olivia becoming a teenager before that happens.

Posted by scott at 07:23 AM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2009
That'd Be Just My Luck...

... a pet would find Ellen. Happens more than you think. I never will forget how, on our honeymoon, an entire resort's worth of stray cats found their way over to where she was sitting. And that was before they figured out she was their buffet waitress for the rest of the week.

Posted by scott at 07:30 PM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2009
Ikko Who?

Az recently had a bit of a surreal encounter:

So I tell my wife that IKKO just totally checked me out...and her response is unexpected to say the least. Somehow, this elates her. She immediately jumps on her cell phone to start informing her friends and family that her husband just caught IKKO's eye. ...And as an aside, how would you even react to that? You're sitting at home watching TV, and you get a text from your friend - "Hey, this famous cross-dresser just checked out my husband!" ...Um...OK? Would you care for a delicious Hot Pocket?

No, I didn't know who Ikko was either. Even after I watched the video I still don't know.

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
When Asses Attack

Making the rounds: It just ain't easy, being a humorless homophobe in Hollywood. They wanted a reaction, and they definitely got one. Meh, I don't feel too bad for him, considering he probably drove to his Malibu home in his Lamborghini.

Posted by scott at 11:31 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

There's a reason some bicyclists are fascinated with gear...

Posted by scott at 10:25 PM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2009
Weapon Fun

Cracked, in its own inimitable way, is featuring this look at "7 WTF Military weapons". Being an armchair student of all things various armies have attempted over, well, all of detectable history I suppose, I'm not at all surprised things like this got built. I'm actually rather surprised that any of them survived.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2009
When Gypsies Attack

No, really, when gypsies attack:

A group of travellers wrecked a multi-million pound police helicopter which was being used to spy on their site.

The gang used axes to smash the £5million aircraft, after they leapt over a 4ft wall surrounding Surrey Police force’s helipad at Fairoaks airport, near Woking in Surrey.

Mickey O'Neil unavailable for comment...

Posted by scott at 02:14 PM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2009
When Photographers Attack

Me, I always thought the whole point of stilted family photographs was to make people look silly. That, and provide a straightforward gift for the relatives. People change, fashions change, why not chronicle it?

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2009
Meh. It'll Buff Out

Funny because nobody got hurt: big rocket turns into giant lawn dart. If one of your hobbies is not actively dangerous, you're not a Real Guy.

Posted by scott at 05:13 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

4141_80708003517_725488517_1629106_7668340_n.jpg
Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2009
How Many Ways Can We Embarass Him?

Posted by Ellen at 09:50 PM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2009
Appearances are Deceiving

So, can you pick the perp? Best I could do was exactly 1 in a row, and I gave up after about ten tries. Then again, I'm not known as the most perceptive person in the world. I'm sure you'll do better!

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2009
Bang-on Eggs

Mark gets a novelty no-prize for bringing us the perfect gift for the breakfast- and gun-lover in your life. Only problem I see is that it appears to be made out of hard metal, which is a big no-no when dealing with no-stick surfaces.

Posted by scott at 02:10 PM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2009
Now, Now, Be Nice...


Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Hey... I'm only disappointed if it's accessible. I have a hard enough time with comprehension as it is.

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
May 04, 2009
Ah Geeze, not This S--- Again

Another day, another UK couple having a novelty wedding. Don't laugh, Suzanne. If Richie ever gets married you may end up wearing danishes on your head, too.

I kid! I kid!

Posted by scott at 05:41 PM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2009
Have at You!

Osprey: 1, Power company: 0. There's cooked fish, and then there's cooked fish.

I know there's a "Knights who say 'Nee!'" joke in there somewhere, I just couldn't tease it out.

Posted by scott at 11:33 AM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

bananabuttsecks.jpg

Posted by scott at 08:28 PM eMail this entry!
Darts, for the Rest of Us

Ok, that tears it. Top Gear has got it all over Motorweek Illustrated. Will this be what causes us to modernize our TV cable package? We'll see...

Posted by scott at 05:54 PM eMail this entry!
Remember, Thou Art Mortal

Another day, another REMF in a new presidential administration learns the hard way that there are important differences between themselves and king's ministers. "Because I say so, and keep it quiet" always bites them on the rear, eventually, even in an administration as popular as this one.

Bureaucracies being what they are, it's doubtful we'll ever know who was directly responsible for this mini-debacle.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2009
Best. Headline. Evar

99% of the time, Fark headlines are amusing fluff, of no concern or memory. But sometimes, they're different: Obama secretly tested for swine flu after man he shook hands with in Mexico drops dead the next day. Officials concerned because Obama's touch usually heals.

To nobody's surprise, it was instantly scored as "Fascist" on their rate-o-meter.

Posted by scott at 10:10 AM eMail this entry!
April 27, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

pacerad800 copy.jpg

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this...

Posted by scott at 09:39 AM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2009
News You Can Use

This just in: Ferraris are faster than police cruisers. Later tonight, water's wetness: a natural fact, or a danger to our children's lives? After that, we'll explore the discovery of the sky being blue, and how it may threaten your family, your mortgage, even your entire way of life!

Posted by scott at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2009
Helllooooo Nurse!

I knew Google's maps could be useful, but I had no idea it'd be this useful.

Oink Oink Oink...

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
LolWhut???

Well, why not dress up as Shrek and Fiona for your wedding? Their parents must be much more liberal-minded than ours are about such things.

3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 12:14 PM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2009
Lotsa Money!

Mark gets a candy bar no-prize for bringing us news that you too can be a trillionaire. Or, perhaps, you could. It would seem Zimbabwe has fiddled with its currency again, making trillion dollar notes worth about $10. At the rate their socialist paradise is going, that should delay the next trillion dollar issue for, what, six months or so?

Coming to an Obama administration near you!

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2009
Postmodern Titles

There's nothing quite like politically-correct leftism for bringing out the satire in someone. I especially liked this one: STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.

Posted by scott at 11:35 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2009
I Shall Call it, "Comrade Redneckski"

I'm not sure what's more fun, this (IMO) well-done art car based on an old Camaro, or the sniveling "you know, that won't work as an armored car because..." replies about it on Fark. All together now... NERDS!!!

Posted by scott at 03:36 PM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2009
Well, at Least They Won't be Accused of False Advertising

You'd think someone would notice that when a certain dress fell a certain way, well, it implied a certain thing. Yet another thing to put on my "stuff that will give dad gray hair" list.

Posted by scott at 01:28 PM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2009
Rocked to Death

Well, if nothing else, this retrospective on "then and now" metal bands of the 80s shows that women aren't the only ones who get a nip and tuck now and then. They have better surgeons than the chicks do!

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
Stop the Madness!

While bacon in a bottle sounds like a good idea, the photos don't look all that appetizing. Then again, neither does 90% of the other stuff out there that people insist is good even though it looks like 3 day-old roadkill. At least this stuff won't move on my plate or poison me.

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2009
Oh Dear...

Only men do this.Well, ugly chicks too.

It's a surprise. You have to click the link.

Sad thing is that some of you will think it's cool.

Posted by Ellen at 09:12 PM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2009
Mom? Is that You?

Be afraid. Be... slightly... afraid:

Eileen Bishop, [87], from Perranporth [UK], and her husband Anthony were on their way to church when, he said, she "disappeared off the radar".

Think of it as the OJ chase, but much slower.

Posted by scott at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
You! Back! Back to the 80s!

There's toys, and then there's 80s toys. No that there's anything wrong with "The Oozinator."

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2009
When GPS Attacks

Mark gets a no-prize that'll lead him wrong for bringing us yet another story of a person following GPS to their not-quite doom. Now, there have been a few times that on-line directions have lead me astray, but that tended to be more "wrong place in town" than "wrong place on frozen tundra." You'd think that, after the turn down the dirt road, the lady would've figured something was wrong.

Posted by scott at 02:11 PM eMail this entry!
Okay, wich onea you'z da u-boat captain?

There's washing an expensive car, and then there's washing an expensive car.

The advantage to owning a car like the spider is it would just need to be hung out to dry for a few days, get all the fluids changed, new seats, and a new battery. It'd probably start right up after that. The advantages of vinyl upholstery!

Driving either of the other cars into a river? Nope, that's a totaling. A super-expensive brand-new Bently? Fuggedaboutit...

Posted by scott at 10:03 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2009
Only Bollywood...

Posted by Ellen at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
Ain't that Just Like a Pirate...

... bringin' a speedboat to a milspec fight:

Seven Somali pirates chose the wrong target the other day: it was not the harmless oil-tanker they thought it was but the German navy's fuel tanker FGS Spessart, part of the European anti-piracy fleet Eunavfor sailing in the Gulf of Aden about 85 miles north of the Somali port of Bosaso.

This would seem to indicate that sting-like operations, where various tramp steamers are in fact stuffed with heavily armed soldiers, would be productive.

Posted by scott at 02:24 PM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

n510094810_1608763_4188557.jpg

You know, now that you mention it, I don't recall seeing Ron or Amber lately. Didn't they go hiking in Florida last week?

Posted by scott at 06:04 PM eMail this entry!
When Nerds Attack

What happens when you give a bunch of nerdy engineers access to powerful electrical equipment? Oh, pretty much what you'd expect:

As with most of their type, it takes forever for them to get to the point, but the result was enough to make me smile.

Posted by scott at 10:28 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2009
Gotta Clean 'em Somehow

So, is it a dairy barn, or a car wash? "Cow wash" seems more appropriate. When staying clean and happy are a key to production, modern farming can be quite humane indeed.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2009
Speaking of Italian Stuff...

Your thought for the day:

Even the worst Italian town is prettier than anywhere in Germany. Take a stroll through somewhere nice, like Cremona, and you'll be greeted by fine wine, God's own architecture, and beautiful women who shave their armpits. You'll probably crash your car and the hotel's air-con won't work, but you'll love every minute.

Is there anything about that place that isn't beautiful, fun, and broken for stretches at a time?

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
Bye-Bye Marlin

Welcome to the world of little-girl raising. Olivia gets just as mad when we laugh at inappropriate moments.

All our fish are too big for the porcelain funeral procession... they end up out in the garden with all the other dead critters.

Posted by scott at 10:55 AM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2009
You Did What To It?!?

Nothing like a ridiculous car mod or two to brighten your morning, eh? Ron's characteristic "ahhuuah?" expression in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2009
I Has a Fashion

For what better purpose can a website be used, I must ask, than posting pictures of pets in wigs? Hey, can't be any worse than 90% of Facebook!

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2009
You Did What To It?

Ron gets a no-prize with some really... remarkable... welds for bringing us this collection of DIY car modifications. I do have one slight quibble, to wit: several of these cars are pretty obviously pure race vehicles of one sort or another, so placing things in ugly or weird spots is actually to be expected. That still doesn't forgive placing two turbochargers just below the rear seat upholstery.

Posted by scott at 01:43 PM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2009
Best. Mash-Up. Evar

CATURDAYTAPESTRY.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:08 PM eMail this entry!
March 20, 2009
A Beer Label, for the Rest of Us

New invention: Ink that changes color with temperature.

US reaction: Let's use it on beer labels so guys can see when it's cold.

Australian reaction: Let's use it on beer labels so guys can see a naked chick.

Aussie Aussie OI OI OI!

Posted by scott at 01:27 PM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2009
I Shall Call Them, "Mini Moo"

Nothing like a 2 foot-tall cow to brighten your day.

Ok, everyone all together now... no, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 08:51 PM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2009
That's not Very Nice

Mark gets a tacky no-prize for bringing us this "newly discovered" footage of the octo-mom giving birth. That doctor has a pretty mean swing, I tell ya...

Posted by scott at 12:37 PM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2009
BUWHAAHAHAH!!

birth-control-demotivational-poster.jpg
Posted by Ellen at 11:21 PM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2009
I C U!

I guess this slide-show of "highlights" of Google's Street View provide even more proof for the axiom: "If you take enough pictures, you'll eventually catch the strangest behavior." I wonder how much they pay the people to image places like South Central LA?

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2009
Gimmeh!

That would be Birds: 12, Beach-Goers: 0. I'm as impressed with the photographer as I am with the birds. Then again, if it happens often enough, anything is easy to catch on film.

Posted by scott at 01:29 PM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2009
Wait... There was a Reactor?

What better way to rehabilitate your industry than to have a "Miss Nuclear Reactor" contest? Did I mention the industry was the one that runs Russia's nuclear plants? Well, there, I did.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2009
Well, When You Put it that Way

You have to zoom in a bit, but this pencil cartoon of a "simple history of WWII" made me giggle. Then again, I am easily amused.

Ok, that whole "faked shock" look? Yeah, wearing real thin nowadays.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2009
Now That's a Party!

Ok, it's not the breaking into the bar, or stealing the booze, that puzzles me. It's the getting naked part that's just a wee strange.

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that really should stay covered up for bringing us yet another entertaining example of proof that the US has no corner on eccentric criminals.

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2009
Danged Chicks...

Really, honey, I was just trying to take pictures of the cars! They even ruined the picture of the Alfa!

The trick, of course, would be sticking to that story in the face of a small angry Italian wielding a large, heavy frying pan. Teflon here I come!

Posted by scott at 01:08 PM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2009
Challenge Away!!!

Never... NEVER let it be said I do not have a sense of humor about my automotive obsession. If I did not have the ability to laugh at the cross-and-serpent's foibles and flaws, I ask you, would I have found the Top Gear Alfa Romeo Challenge such a scream?

The premise? Take a marque absolutely notorious for rewarding a kind, attentive hand both at the tiller and at the wrench, and pick three off the bottom of the heap. It gets better! Put these three rickety basket cases in the charge of a trio of bumper-car rejects. The result? Well, dear reader, the result was enough to quite handily separate those Alfisti who love their cars warts and all, and those who had rose-colored glasses tightly riveted to their temples. I'm surprised the three principles didn't require bodyguards at the end.

Still, their affection for the marque, especially Jeremy's, can't be hidden. And, really, the only cars you could get away with mistreating this way simply aren't as much fun to drive.

So, kick back, relax, and watch three yobs attempt to "prove" that Alfas that've never seen a kind pat on the hood in their life can still be absolutely thrilling to drive.

And you know what? They do.

And the Milano won!

Posted by scott at 08:49 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

An oldie, but a goodie:

"Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and its all organised by the Italians"

Posted by scott at 03:09 PM eMail this entry!
Well, He's Better at it Than I Am

More funny videos from the "Heavy Movies" channel at Heavy.com

I actually thought this guy was lip-synching Weird Al, until the British accent started leaking through. Fast forward to the solo section... he's not that bad.

Posted by scott at 09:59 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2009
February 28, 2009
Well, This Should Shut You all Up...

I need help? I need help?!? I don't need help... this guy needs help. Even I have to draw the line somewhere, and having a coffee table that leaks oil on my floor is somewhere on the far side of it.

Still, that wall decoration wouldn't look any worse than what Ellen has up. Probably improve it. Hmm...

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2009
Your BEMs are Here

Looking for ET? AMCGLTD is here to help! I'm not surprised the area off San Diego is a "hotspot." I am a little puzzled why Chicago should have so many damned sightings. Maybe ET likes deep-dish?

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
Wha'd I Do?

Little octopus: 1, aquarium staff: 0:

Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium in California say the trickster who flooded their offices with sea water was armed. Eight-armed, to be exact.

Damned clever, yer garden variety octopus. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 11:43 AM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2009
A T-Shirt, for the Rest of Us

free tibet.jpg

Posted by scott at 01:09 PM eMail this entry!
You... You Think You Have Problems

Nothing like finding out your girlfriend of 7 years has been a prostitute all this time to start the day. Since it is the 21st century, they do of course have children.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2009
Gotta Start Somewhere

Mark gets a pink triangle no-prize for bringing us clips from some new reality show called, "Gay Army". The DI is speaking English, and I think the recruits are speaking German, so I don't know what network this is going out on. It's definitely going on my Tivo search. I don't know how legit it is, but it looks pretty funny.

It was my understanding all German males were conscripted from 18-21? Of course, that was 20 years ago, maybe the rules have changed...

Posted by scott at 08:47 AM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2009
And, of Course, Thou Shalt Laugh

Ron gets a no-prize with some ears on it for bringing us an editorial cartoon sure to cause frowns on the left side of the peanut gallery.

Actually, I think I'm seeing the very slightest of cracks in the popular media monolith. Then again, that whole, "of course we were biased! We weren't reporting the news, we were telling a great story!!!" meme soured me so badly on the MSM I've been reduced to getting my news from Fark and Instapundit. Wtf do I know?

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
Thankfully, "Get Off My Lawn" Promises to be Eternal

As with seemingly everything else they touch, boomers have turned the eternal fact that grandchildren sometimes have trouble understanding their grandparents into something self-centered and banal. It's not the words Olivia will have trouble with, it's the accent.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
February 18, 2009
When File Footage Attacks

What? Who cares if it's wrong? Does it fly? Go zoom-zoom? Looks weird? Run it, damn you, nobody'll notice

Just hang on to the 30 second mark, and then, well, hang on.

Via Ares.

Posted by scott at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2009
A List, for Someone

An Ohio website is helpfully providing advice on just what is and is not acceptable in the "personal license plate" realm. Ohio resident Ron, who gets endearingly literal when he gets an answer he doesn't like, should find the list of 1574 examples of bad resident! No biscuit! examples quite useful.

Virginia's custom plate law makes it pretty darned cheap to get one, so they're all over the place. They fussed at us when Ellen claimed "8bit me", but eventually, without explanation, gave in.

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2009
AKA, "The Law of Unintended Consequences"

Today's graphic demonstration of "people who want to be seen naked are usually people who shouldn't be seen naked" is brought to you by Budweiser. Sort of. Viral video FTW!

Posted by scott at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2009
But Does His Mother Know?

Mark gets a glittery no-prize with bell bottoms on for bringing us rumors that the real ruler of Russia is a closet Abba fan. Because we all know how reliable a cover band looking for some free publicity is, eh?

Posted by scott at 09:32 AM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2009
Best. Headline. Evar.

25 year old blind Oregon woman enjoys skydiving, says she knows when to pull the ripcord because the dog's leash goes slack.

From Fark, natch, linking up to this story.

Posted by scott at 12:11 PM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2009
An Alarm Clock, for the Rest of Us

Now, there are practical issues galore, but personally I think an alarm clock that uses bacon for the wake up call is just a brilliant idea. Nothing like a little sizzle to get you started in the morning!

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2009
~ Too Much Time on Her Hands ~

Well, if Ellen won't link them up I will...

The things one does for entertainment...

Posted by scott at 11:17 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2009
Dude... Wait... Dude...

It'll be a lot worse when the painkillers wear off, kid. Drugs have come a long way since I had teeth pulled when I was that age, that's for sure.

And yes, Ellen, this is exactly how you acted on the way home from your wisdom teeth surgery.

Posted by scott at 03:58 PM eMail this entry!
Mmm... Bacon...

Personally, I don't get the appeal of chocolate-covered bacon. Then again, I seem to be getting more food-sensitive lately. Why, just last night I made Ellen turn off her Weird Foods episode when the guy sawed an ear off a roast suckling pig, took a bite, then complained that it wasn't too bad but he wasn't very fond of the taste of the waxy build-up around the inside of the...

Gah... makes me green just thinking about it...

And, sorry folks, I'm not making that up.

Posted by scott at 01:56 PM eMail this entry!
Aaag!!! My Eyes!!!

Mark gets the famous fig-leaf no-prize for bringing us news that Switzerland is having trouble with nekkid Germans hiking all over the countryside. You'd think that, after awhile at least, those backpack straps would start to chafe.

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2009
Yeah, that's Pretty Close


Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Olivia's seen the first one several times, but the other two only once. I'm not sure she'd do a whole lot better. Of course, she's only five.

Interestingly, this tracks pretty well with other accounts from people who've heard about really famous events, but never actually sat down with someone and discussed them from end-to-end. The Koran's account of Jesus springs to mind.

No, no... I've already got a nerd sign to go around my neck too. Gee, aren't you being awfully helpful today?

Posted by scott at 03:40 PM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2009
... and That's Why God Invented the Internet

Mark gets a no-prize in a plain paper bag for bringing us what I assume is another one of those independent viral commercials. Yes, kids, before the internet we had to walk up and buy porn at a newsstand just like it was Time magazine or something.

Posted by scott at 11:07 AM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2009
No, No. You Don't Understand. We Need You To Go Green

Something tells me we won't see famous Hollywood-types implementing this stuff any time soon. Well, except maybe this one:

One of the most pressing threats facing our environment is rising income in Africa, Asia, and Latin America. A generation ago these proud little dark people were happily frolicking in the rain forest, foraging for organic foods amid the wonders of nature. Today, corrupted by wealth, they are demanding environmentally hazardous consumer goods like cars and air conditioning and malaria medicine. You can do your part to stop this dangerous consumerism trend by supporting environmentally progressive leaders like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe, and their programs for sustainable low-impact ecolabor camps.

Seems they've been doing that sort of thing since at least 1917.

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2009
And We Thought the Vampire Hunters were Bad

Personally, I can't keep the players straight without a program:

The ‘row’ concerns a small breakaway group of druids (known to some as COBDO West) who’ve requested the museum release the remains so they can rebury them where they came from. King Arthur and mainstream COBDO want the same thing — but are upset that COBDO West have taken matters into their own hands. ‘COBDO West are just a joke — three men and a dog, without even the dog,’ splutters King Arthur. ‘I’ve got thousands of members in my Arthurian War Band all round the world and loads more in the UK. I could field hundreds of activists at the drop of a hat. Bunch of idiots.’

Not for nothing is south-central England considered the California of the UK. Over here, God lifted the East Coast up and gave it a hard shake, causing all the loose marbles to roll down Cali way. It would seem he did the same to Britain, only there grabbing the north end before giving it a shake.

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2009
Bang Fail

The best part is, even though they totally trash these dudes and portray them as complete losers, these chicks still slept with them! Reminds me of a time long ago when friend Amber was trash-talking about (her) husband and friend Ron. He and I were both doing our nerdy, "you're-right-we're-wrong-we-suck" moping when suddenly out of my mouth jumped, "wait a goddamned minute... you married him!"

It was like she got hit between the eyes with a pole. When we've both been pushed out onto the porch of the rest home by our great grandchildren, it'll be a memory Ron and I will still chuckle over.

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2009
Your Thought for the Day

“Did you hear the one about how, after Barack Obama became president this week, he found out the economy was worse than he thought—so he had to lay off 17 journalists.” -- Bernard Goldberg.

Posted by scott at 09:34 AM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2009
Who Gives a f- who Gives a s-

Seems the American Idol producers are not above throwing in a ringer or two just to make things interesting. Considering the amount of money that sloshes out of this show, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the person "exposing" this "travesty" is on the payroll to drum up more publicity.

Posted by scott at 01:56 PM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2009
I Think He Missed a Step

Remember, folks, wheels that pop off are only fun on toys. I've done something like this not once, but twice. The first time I forgot to tighten the lug nuts on a front wheel, which "did in" my original silver Spider back in 1996. $750 worth of frame damage = Great Parts Bin in the Sky. Best thing that ever happened to that rust bucket. I can only imagine the damage when all 4 come loose at once.

The second time was a back wheel on our present (much much nicer) Spider, back in 2004. Fortunately, all it did was rattle; it didn't come loose, and I have no idea why. On that day, when I got back and discovered what happened, God and I called it even, and we've stayed that way ever since.

And now I have helpers who always ask me if I've tightened the lug nuts BEFORE I drive away after a project.

Posted by scott at 03:31 PM eMail this entry!
Change is as Change Does

I told you the media are like a pack of fans that doesn't care which side wins. They're only rooting against the team with the ball.

The Obama administration is in for a rough first year.

Contradicting myself? Me? Listen up folks, one cannot contradict one's self when one is able the change the rules at any time. Learned that from my wife, I did.

And, of course, the mainstream media.

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
Wait... There was a Car?

At least this time you don't want to head for the eye bleach after seeing the "model". I'd say "some day we could do that with one of our cars," but I'm pretty sure Ellen plans on being buried with BOTH of hers, and (as noted previously) I'm not allowed to sell the Spider.

Hey, we should all have problems like that, eh?

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2009
Paging Bart and Lisa, White Courtesy Phone Please

I'm actually a little surprised it's taken this long for phony phone call pages to surface on the internet. Such things have been knocking around for ages, including the calls to Louis "Red" Deutsch which inspired the Simpsons. I've just never heard of them hitting something as big as an airport before.

Ron gets a no-prize that'll giggle inanely at the touch of a button for bringing us this very large scale example of the ultimate phone annoyance.

Posted by scott at 01:58 PM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2009
When Architects Attack

Little surprise that most of these architectural "horrors" are located in formerly communist countries. "Real and actual" socialism, like its less scary-sounding brothers liberalism and progressivism, always looks better on paper than it ever can in reality. Hope and change, people, hope and change!

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 01:55 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2009
Your Thought for the Day
Posted by scott at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2009
Those Droids Sure do Get Around

Looks like the Fx guys working the last Indiana Jones movie got a little bored at one point. Olivia was downright offended when she saw a tiny R2D2 model stuck to the side of the Close Encounters mothership model. "He'll fall off!" she kept saying.

Via Violins and Starships

Posted by scott at 03:52 PM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2009
Remind Me Again, Why I Want to Move to New York?

Posted by scott at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2009
I No Can Brain Today

I haz teh dum.

There's nothing quite like the enthusiastic literalism of a happy Labrador retriever.

Posted by scott at 12:29 PM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2009
A Top 10 List, for the Rest of Us

Ron gets a no-prize with a hidden picture for bringing us the "top 10 cars and the type of women they attract". I guess you'd have to define "rare" to see if my Italian exotic qualifies, but I'm happy with what I got (in both senses).

Posted by scott at 09:22 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2009
When Names Attack

Something tells me this does not mean to them what it means to us. Either that, or gaydar is now a reality.

Rrm... not that there's anything wrong with that. I think.

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
Ape Fun

Yeah, this is pretty much how I react to cool toys too. And Mark, and Joshua, and Ron, and... well, and pretty much every other guy I know.

OOK!

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
I Can Haz Buddy?

The rest of us will laugh at the main picture of best friends owl and basset. Ellen, of course, will jump straight to conure and labrador. But you knew that already.

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
December 31, 2008
Picture Time

Personally, I like the very last one. But I'm weird that way. As if you needed reminding.

Posted by scott at 05:21 PM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2008
Now Suddenly it's Oranges?!?

20081229NYDeathJuice.jpg

Oh! I see... it's ZIONIST juice that's the problem. Thanks for clearing that up.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
Quick! Someone Call Eye-Ex-Eye-Eye!!!
Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
December 24, 2008
Personally, I Like "SH11TBX"

Another year, another set of goofy custom plates. How Richie missed out on the only NY state one on the list I'll never know.

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
December 23, 2008
Wow... They Really Are Like That

Never let it be said we're above giving a worn-out meme a few more thrashes: She just wanted it to snow!

I'd like to think Olivia will be more mature and confident than this when she's 18. However, I'll be more than happy to settle for a healthy, reasonably well-adjusted child who graduates college.

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
Speaking of Australia

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that's the wrong temperature for bringing us a particularly Aussie sort of Christmas carol. We had an Aussie working for us for a few years, I asked her if she ever got used to cold Christmases. She said it wasn't the Christmases that were so weird, rather it was instead New Years. The cold weather apparently significantly impeded the traditional "crawl-pubs-until-you-can't-move" parties that (according to her at least) dominated December 31st. I guess it's harder to enjoy drinking yourself stupid when you have to worry about passing out in a bush and freezing to death, eh?

Posted by scott at 07:55 AM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2008
So Do I Get Special Underwear?

Programmers of C#, Java, or just about any other language should find this worthy of a smile or two. I think the C# definition is amusing, and I think the Perl definition is absolutely dead-on.

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
That Word... I Don't Think it Means What You Think it Means

Just hang on until :41. I couldn't get much further. Judging by her accent, she's probably spent only a little more time in Pakistan than I have.

And the farthest East I've ever been is Jamaica.

Posted by scott at 10:51 AM eMail this entry!
Military Motivation

Mark gets a no-prize with extra firepower for bringing us this collection of a specific sort of motivational posters...

ATT00007.jpg

ATT00004.jpg

ATT00012.jpg

ATT00005.jpg

ATT00008.jpg

ATT00015.jpg

ATT00006.jpg

ATT00011.jpg

Posted by scott at 09:57 AM eMail this entry!
December 16, 2008
Not All that Different from My House

The only real difference being Olivia doesn't have a baby she can thwack. And won't have one any time soon either!

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
The More You Know...

Mark gets a no-prize that's for the children, man!!! for bringing us Plaxico's first attempt to get out of trouble.

Posted by scott at 09:01 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2008
Paging The Blues Brothers, White Courtesy Phone Please

Go for the mall chase, stay for the beach assault. It's stunts like this which explain the love/hate relationship between the best automotive magazines and the industry; and why marques like Ferrari and Lamborghini force such journalists to find copies of their most exotic models on their own.

Posted by scott at 08:11 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2008
Meh, a Little Bondo, 'be Just Like New

I'll fess up, I did do crazy crap like tear down back country roads way too fast, but I did it in a '74 Plymouth Duster. "Too fast" was quite relative, in that sense, and I never did get in as much trouble as these two. I'm just about certain, at the very least, the exhaust is trashed as well as the body. Spinning out a front driver takes talent!

Posted by scott at 04:21 PM eMail this entry!
Girl's got Talent

Ron gets a no-prize that'll get him a punch from his wife for bringing us Sailor Moon Sings Bone Thugs. No, really!

And the only reason I watched it all the way through was the lady has the same name as my daughter. StickingToIt(My.Story);.

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2008
Shine On!

Annoyingly catchy, synth-driven pop song: check
Weird visuals that somehow still imply a plot is buried in there somewhere: check
Hot chicks: Check
Androgynous lead singer who's prettier than the hot chicks: check

I guess that makes it official: time travel must really be possible.

YOU! YES YOU!!! BACK TO THE 80s WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!

Posted by scott at 11:59 AM eMail this entry!
December 08, 2008
And Just Where was This Five Years Ago?

Nina gets a no-prize Ellen will want to mount on our wall for bringing us news of a "Hello Kitty" - themed maternity ward. It's in Taiwan, which would be a challenge but no real impediment to everyone's favorite crazy-cat-lady-to-be.

Posted by scott at 01:37 PM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2008
~ One of These Things is Not Like the Others / One of These Things Just Isn't the Same ~

Ron gets a rather rude no-prize for bringing us this abject lesson in photography 101, rule 3. To wit: when taking a photograph, the photographer should always be mindful of what is in the background of the shot.

Several are NSFW, but hey, it's Sunday!

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
Beware! Beware!

Mark gets a no-prize that's wise beyond its years for bringing us this timely reminder of correct, and incorrect, Christmas gifts, and their consequences.

Actually, I think it's a kind of domestication milestone when the woman in your life really does want a big new super-vac instead of a bauble.

Oh, who am I kidding... it's not "instead of", it's "in addition to". Rawoooorrrr!!

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2008
Swear to God, that's Where I Found Them!

Something tells me the wife won't believe you just found 130,000 inflatable boobs on the beach, so we're here to provide proof. I've heard them called "flotation devices" before, but this is ridiculous.

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 01:33 PM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2008
POOF!

Jeff gets a tacky but amusing no-prize for bringing us the ultimate demonstration of German engineering prowess.

Contrary to popular perception, the result would be largely the same were the perp driving an Alfa. His car would just be a lot prettier, and all the lights would flash on and off randomly for about five minutes after he pushed the button*.

----
* It's a Milano joke. Laugh.

Posted by scott at 01:28 PM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2008
That's Just not Very Nice

The hook is that the cup is full of water. That sound you're hearing is Ellen scribbling this idea down for use the next time it's slow at her clinic.

Posted by scott at 07:58 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2008
Ron? Is That You?

  • Identical make: check
  • Identical model: check
  • Identical color: probable
  • Identical year: probable
  • Weird fascination with 80s hip-hop: check
And to think I thought he'd never sell it.
Posted by scott at 02:54 PM eMail this entry!
Bop!!!

When playing with a puppy, it's often wise to keep an eye on the paws. Bah, that's nothing. You want pain? How about two quarter-ton cats using your sleepy backside as the chute of turn 3 of their psychotic race course at 3 am?

Posted by scott at 01:47 PM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2008
Just in Time for the Holidays!

Too bad bidding has ended. This would've made a great gift for that special someone in your life. The best part would be to hear, "but I don't have any blu-ray disks, why would I want this?"

Posted by scott at 01:24 PM eMail this entry!
The Llama Song
Posted by Ellen at 07:13 AM eMail this entry!
The Marmoset Song

Posted by Ellen at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2008
Now That's Just Sad

Getting busted for being a dirty old man trying to paw teenagers is one thing. Having your stash of self-starring animal porn discovered during a search is quite something else.

Ron will be very happy, and not at all surprised, to learn this happened near Philadelphia.

Posted by scott at 12:03 PM eMail this entry!
What's She Late For? Can I call a Cab?

Ron gets a no-prize with unintended consequences for bringing us this clever ad. I'm not completely sure if the product is real, but the writing is funny enough.

Posted by scott at 08:44 AM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2008
Tasty!

Where's COPS when you need them?

A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

But wait! There's more!

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

The mind boggles.

Posted by scott at 08:49 AM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2008
Head.Explode(Candy);

Jeff gets a no-prize that'll dig a hole to China when it grows up for bringing us this live puppy cam. No, I didn't know what a Shiba Inu was either. Jeff thinks it's some sorta Chow breed.

Posted by scott at 02:31 PM eMail this entry!
And the Lure Float Goes, "Plork!"

Problem: the celebrity you're interviewing is deadly dull, and you really need something good for a headline.

Solution: Go fishing:

When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”

Props to the man for not shying away from saying what he thinks, and a big raspberry to whomever his publicist is for letting the interview spin out of control allowing him to do the same.

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2008
Είναι που επιθυμούν για την fjiords!

Making the rounds: a variant of Monty Python's "dead parrot" sketch has been knocking around for 1600 years. The ancients being less squeamish about such things, their version is more appropriately titled "the dead slave sketch."

Posted by scott at 04:21 PM eMail this entry!
*CRUNCH*

I don't know enough about FWD cars to tell just what the heck happened here. Taking a WAG, looks like something in his transmission broke and allowed him to engage 2 gears at once. At speed.

NSFW punk wannabe language at the end.

Posted by scott at 03:53 PM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2008
Scaring The Crap Out Of Myself

notappreciated2.jpg

My wonderful friend, Annie, scored a house in Leesburg, VA to live in. To her, history is a way of life, not just something you read about.

Me? I scared myself shitless in her house being left alone for 15 minutes to put makeup and a costume on. Especially when she banged on the window trying to get me to let her back in the house.

An aside: I'm sorry... if you need a 'skeleton key' to get in your house, especially if you are told the house is 'circa 1800', you automatically get a 'your house is haunted' prize.'

So tell me, do I have something to worry about? I did not feel bad "Ju ju" from the house, though I did have some serious discussions with the squirrels until Annie scared the crap out of me.

notapprecaiated1.jpg

Even better, being told the parking lot right next door is actually a graveyard. Me: "... uhm... gravestones?!?" Annie, in very jolly voice: "Oh they just took those and moved them across the street in the park. They're right next door, just moved them 20 feet. Left the graves where they were, put the parking lot over it, no idea why it hasn't all collapsed. Ha ha ha!" Was that a movie? I broke out in the "Thriller" dance trying to calm myself. What? Like you didn't know I was weird that way.

Ellen's rule of SpOoKiEness #7: living next to a theater that plays the Rocky Horror Picture Show monthly... gives you a 'maybe" for a sleep over.

Posted by Ellen at 09:12 PM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2008
What a Great Idea

See, thing is, even if you think your girlfriend is pretty, even if she is actually pretty in a "normal mortal female" sort of way, it won't much matter to the rest of the world if you're a terrible photographer and she's posing like one of those models you see on those tuner magazine covers.

Those cover girls get paid for a reason, mostly because they have plastic surgery bills the size of a college tuition payment. If yours doesn't, just don't. K?

Note: I only scanned the very first page of the thread, which was bikini-level SFW. I won't vouch for the rest until I get home, so be cautious.

Posted by scott at 01:13 PM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2008
Deny Everything

Sometimes they just write themselves: Will there be disclosure of UFO files under the Obama administration?

Well? Well?!?

Posted by scott at 04:54 PM eMail this entry!
November 06, 2008
More... Campaign...


Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

I swear I saw Joshua wandering around in the background of one or two of those shots.

Or maybe it was Brian?

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
Oh... My... God...

I'm not sure if this really is the worst music video ever made, but it has to be close. Looks like some Chicago don's daughter decided she wanted to break into the music business. I'm glad they got the alarm fixed first.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
GetTheBall!GetTheBall!GetTheBall!

If only you could do this with kids! Exactly what it is in a tennis ball that inspires such absolute monomania in a dog I'll never know. I wonder if he's that enthusiastic with it when there's nobody around to watch?

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2008
This is Annie and her Sewing Machine!

Posted by Ellen at 09:33 PM eMail this entry!
We Won, So Take Off, You Hoser

What better way to memorialize a war most people forget about after high school than a pair of giant toy soldier statues in front of an apartment building?

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2008
I Bet the Germans Will Be Surprised to Hear This

Ron gets a warped and slightly puzzled no-prize for bringing us news that Belgium, in fact, does not exist. I'd heard the same thing said about Idaho for years, and then someone who claimed he was from there showed up. Can we really trust Joshua? I think not! Idaho is a hoax! Idaho is a hoax!

Why, thank you for this new coat. My, isn't it funny how the sleeves go 'round the back?

Posted by scott at 03:30 PM eMail this entry!
It's Got a Good Beat and You Can Dance to it

Of course, now I have that damned melody stuck in my head. The things I do for you people...

Posted by scott at 01:04 PM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2008
You're Doing it Wrong, Jeep Edition

Remember folks, trying to tow a car by its roof makes baby Jesus cry.

I think it's not as bad as it looks. As I recall, Jeeps are still body-on-frame vehicles, in which case all they probably did was rip the body off its mounts. Not good, but (maybe) not a total loss.

Ron gets a no-prize shaped like a tow hook for bringing us a brilliant Jeep FAIL.

Posted by scott at 03:36 PM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2008
Why You DO NOT Mess With The Chicks at Work

Yes, we did this to our poor doctor. This is what happens when you fall asleep during your lunch. We decorate you.

Posted by Ellen at 10:08 PM eMail this entry!
~ If You Don't Know Me By Now ~

Mark gets a no-prize that's romantic on its own terms for bringing us a beer commercial that understands us. Hee!

Posted by scott at 12:46 PM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2008
~ Rollin' Rollin' Rollin / Keep That Hummer Rollin ~'

The funny thing is, as I understand off-road traction at any rate, this thing probably wouldn't be all that bad in the country. Well, assuming wooden wheels can actually support something has heavy as an H3, that is. And gaining traction != a nice ride. I think the whole thing would probably shake apart driving across grooved pavement.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
Traffic Time

Mark will get his no-prize just as soon as the driver gets off 66 for bringing us this insider's guide to touring DC. DC's traffic, that is, which is just about all you'll see if you're not careful and actually try to drive around here most days.

Posted by scott at 01:49 PM eMail this entry!
Paging The Hooters, White Courtesy Phone Please

Mike J. gets a no-prize with that distinctive profile for bringing us evidence that the Democratic party has been a known quantity for a very long time. It also shows how much Hollywood has changed, since that's probably the last time the Dems got a zinger thrown at them in a motion picture. Republicans, not so much; but you already knew that.

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
Just Let it Go, Man, Just Let it Go

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that's a funny blue color for bringing us an example of how not to travel by train:

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

Cell phones do a lot of things well, but swimming isn't one of them. That thing was DOA when it hit the water.

Posted by scott at 09:09 AM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2008
I Think I Better Dance Now

Annie gets a no-prize that'll look good in Hell for bringing us this picture of people goofing around in an art museum. I'm pretty sure I've seen it before, but I can't recall it being in a linkable format like this. Good morning, all!

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2008
Well isn't that... Festive...

Two words: dildo downpour.

Supporters of the Stockholm-based AIK ice hockey team scored an unusual hat trick of heckling on Tuesday night featuring dildos, profane banners, and a giant inflatable penis.

I was going to make a joke about "I went to a hockey game and a sex party broke out", but then I tried to picture what the average hockey fan might look like naked. Three showers later, I'm almost normal again!

Ron gets a no-prize that'll be an interesting conversation piece at his next get together for bringing us this most interesting of fan taunts.

Posted by scott at 05:05 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

hd.jpg

Mark gets the coveted Charlie Brown Halloween no-prize* for bringing us a light-hearted look at what we might all have to look forward to next holiday season!

Hopefully we're not violating a copyright here. I've linked to the guy's main page. If this suddenly disappears, well, there ya go.

----
* A rock.

Posted by scott at 08:42 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2008
Joseph and the Technicolor Eclipse

It takes a page or two, but trust me, this is the most ridiculous rice-up job you'll ever see. Even non-gearheads will appreciate the color... combinations? ...this guy comes up with for his car. Go for the hand file to the head treatment, stay for the spray painted foot pedals.

Posted by scott at 02:18 PM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2008
... Well... I Got Bettah...

Mark gets a no-prize that's only a model for bringing us this re-imagining of everyone's favorite medieval comedy. Must be a different version of the song... I could actually understand the lyrics this time around.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
October 12, 2008
Adventures In A Car...

Posted by Ellen at 09:12 PM eMail this entry!
Why I Am Not Allowed A Real Video Cam

Actual guy on my bus.

Posted by Ellen at 08:14 PM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2008
BOOM!!! HEAD SHOT!
Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
October 10, 2008
Hey Billy Bob, Watch This!

Texans + rocket powered scooter (no, really!) = well, this. Just when you thought a redneck couldn't get any dumber...

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
Down He Goes

Fans of Mythbusters should find this brief clip of Adam Savage at a hacker's convention of interest. I hope the two clips he shows from an upcoming episode actually make it into the broadcast. This is one of Olivia's favorite shows, in no small part because she thinks Carrie is a very neat lady.

Note: Clip is completely SFW, but the ads surrounding it are marginal (but not awful). I can't vouch for the rest of the site.

Posting from home rox!

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
October 07, 2008
Dude. Wait, What? XVI

Remember folks, you can't fool owls. Turn it off after the first repeat. Far as I can tell, it'll loop forever until you do.

Posted by scott at 08:47 AM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2008
Skunk Funny
Posted by Ellen at 09:52 PM eMail this entry!
When Teleprompters Attack

No, really, when teleprompters attack.

Ok, well, when teleprompters get snippy, how's that?

And yes, I know, they did a little "enhancing", but it's still nice to see that The Messiah does indeed flub lines every now and then.

Posted by scott at 05:49 PM eMail this entry!
No Harm, No Foul

Parking brakes: they're not just good for civilians. I want to know what he crashed into at the end.

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2008
Scoop of the Century

Jim Treacher scoops, well, the whole worldwith an advanced look at the questions due to be asked at tonight's VP debate. It's funny because it's true.

Oh, right, sorry. Fox news is the true enemy, the one really in the pocket of a political party, eh?

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2008
~ George. George. George of the Rednecks ~

Watch out for that tree!

Meh. Looks like he wasn't going fast enough to hurt anything.

Well, except maybe his pride.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
I Guess that Makes a Hospital a "Bear Necessity"
Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2008
Your Thought for the Day

congressmonkeysdy1.jpg

Yeah, actually, a lot like that, s'what I think. Then again, so is a discussion on Fark, whence I found this piquant illustration.

Well, at least the Redskins won!

Update: Seconded:

(2008-09-29) — Just minutes after the Bush administration’s $700 billion financial-sector takeover went down to defeat in the House today, Congressional Democrats introduced a bill that would mandate a 6:02 a.m. (EST) sunrise for Tuesday.

“The sun will come out tomorrow,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, “but only if Congress takes action now to eliminate uncertainty.”

Whee!!!

Posted by scott at 03:42 PM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2008
Your Thought for the Day

107nl86.jpg

That's probably gonna leave a mark. As far as I can tell, nobody was hurt.

Posted by scott at 07:57 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2008
Acid Dipped Saturdays

Having actually been a little kid in the 70s, I can say at least some of these kids shows weren't as surreal as the author of the article thinks they are. Then again, the internal state of a 7 year old is a pretty weird place to begin with, so who knows.

I'd forgotten all about Banana Split, and even now the memories are almost entirely made up of impressions rather than the more typical "internal movie projector" we all normally remember with. I can only remember that I watched it during summer time, when I was intensely bored, during some "Krusty the Clown" - type kids show. Other than that, nothing.

Posted by scott at 02:10 PM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2008
HitlerSaysWhat?

Mark gets an extremely silly no-prize for bringing us well, I'm not completely sure what the hell this is, but it made me laugh a bit.

Thank you for the "needs to get out more" sign, but I already have a hat that says that on.

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2008
This Is How I Entertained Myself In Atlanta

Posted by Ellen at 09:58 PM eMail this entry!
Hotel Blowdryers

Posted by Ellen at 09:15 PM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2008
Caveat Emptor

Ron gets a no-prize that's just wrong for bringing us how they really make that most perverted of Japanese vending machine products. I mean really, what did you expect?

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2008
My Friends, Let Me Show You Them

My friends:

Nerd me = new Nerd("Scott");
me.HoldingTool = new Hammer();
Nail n;
foreach (Thing t in Everything)
{
n = (Nail)t;
HoldingTool.Strike(n);
}

What?!? I haven't done pseudo-C# in, like, forever!!!

You want something else, go get your own site!

Posted by scott at 07:55 PM eMail this entry!
ExhaustPipeGoesWhere?!?

Mike P. gets a damned silly no-prize for reminding us of the cow methane study they're doing in Argentina. Science is seldom pretty, eh?

Posted by scott at 03:39 PM eMail this entry!
Silly Friday Fun

king.jpg

It made me "LOL". Found on a Fark (natch) thread comment to this article

September 16, 2008
Sneaky @#$%-ing Dog

Jeff gets a no-prize that should not be greeting him at the door when he gets home for bringing us an example of just how determined a bored beagle can be. That's probably more dangerous than it looks... I can definitely see about six different ways for doggie to get hurt pulling a stunt like this.

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
A Test, for the Rest of You

I'm actually surprised it's taken this long for Alfisti sellers to start seriously questioning their buyers. They are fine little machines, but they definitely take a specific sort of owner to get the best out of them.

Something tells me this holds true, with some variation, for just about any car worth having.

Posted by scott at 01:55 PM eMail this entry!
When the Stern Show Attacks

Go for Sal and Richard completely f'ing up a reporter's live feed, stay for the straight-laced description the anchor tries to put together at the end. I don't know how, but those two weirdos definitely managed to land some of the best jobs in the world.

Posted by scott at 10:28 AM eMail this entry!
September 13, 2008
The War Room

Mark gets a no-prize that'll rant impressively for bringing us yet another re-imaging of just what happened in a specific bunker at a specific time and a specific place.

I honestly don't know just what it is about that scene that allows it to be re-tread time and time again and yet never once lose its funny. This one definitely worked for me. Obamamaniacs... well, probably not as much.

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2008
I Guess He'd Get a "JWI"?

Athlete + "Vodak" + cell phone camera = teh funnay. It takes a little while to get to the good part, but it's worth it. I wonder if the event was televised? If so, there's most likely even better footage out there somewhere.

Posted by scott at 09:07 AM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2008
September 06, 2008
Your Thought for the Day

“What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama?”

“One is a well turned-out, good-looking, and let's be honest, pretty sexy piece of eye-candy.

“The other kills her own food.”

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2008
It Came From New Jersey

I don't often link FARK threads, unless they have as much "WIN" as this one does. Go for the guido pictures, and do not miss guidos in motion.

The weirdest thing of all is, after living with and around yankees for the past twelve years or so, I'm starting to be able to tell the difference between someone from Jersey, Brooklyn, Long Island, upstate, and Manhattan. I guess it's a kind of radiation, seeps into your bones, that sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 03:28 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

I dunno... for some reason this, this reminds me of... "someone":

Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association. His mental approach to it could be visualised as a sort of business flowchart with, at the top, a circle entitled "Me, who does the telling" and, connected below it by a line, a large circle entitled "Everyone else".

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent)

Now, I would never think of scratching out Ridcully and putting in "Ellen". Nor would I ever change all the "he" and "his"'s into "she" and "hers"'s. My story, sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2008
Say My Name!

If only SNL were this funny.

The Post, at least, is most definitely hammering away at Palin, and the MSM in general is trying hard enough that British bookies are now taking bets that she'll bail, perhaps before the end of the convention. Note the snarky back-biting in this LA Times piece.

Posted by scott at 02:21 PM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2008
When Room Mates Attack

Ah, college. The long hours. The tough assignments. The passive-aggressive room mates.

In my first "group house" we had a member who expressed his displeasure with us by turning the thermostat down to 50 at 1 am. I out-p-a'd him by waking up 5 minutes later and switching it to FAN so it'd still make noise but not freeze us/power bill us to death. Needless to say, that group didn't stay together very long.

Posted by scott at 02:27 PM eMail this entry!
I Moo, Therefore I Am

Amber gets an extremely silly no-prize for bringing us "I am Cow", a benediction to everyone's favorite burger ingredient. Moo!

Posted by scott at 09:14 AM eMail this entry!
August 29, 2008
Oink Oink

Other, classier, sites are making note of McCain's VP pick with serious discussion and analysis. We, however, choose a different route.

Ron gets a no-prize that'll spend most of its time rooting around in the muck for bringing us a crystallization of the first three or four thoughts every straight man had when he heard the news.

Posted by scott at 04:22 PM eMail this entry!
Being from Columbus, he's Just Spreading it Around

I have no doubt he would do exactly that. I still think the orange Jersey douches are funnier, but this guy was worth chuckle, for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to yank a certain person's chain.

In 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
And the Dog Goes, "Squeak Squeak"

Today's "idiot dog swallows something he shouldn't" story brought to you by...

Hey, are you sure this is right? This really is the town's name? No way. No f'ing way. Well, ok then...

By the Leamington Spa Courier. With most excellent X-ray goodness.

Those English. They'll name a town anything!

Posted by scott at 08:44 AM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2008
Escape Goats?

It's nice to see that the US isn't the only nation with an f-d up public school system. Some of you may think, "well at least they speak English." Keep in mind their immigration problem is actually a bit stickier than ours. They may boost the crime rate and create a built-in constituency for nanny-staters Democrats, but at least they don't try to blow us up on a regular schedule.

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2008
I'm not a Hypocrite. I'm too Rich to be a Hypocrite.

Personally I've always thought having a pretty face and being reasonably articulate in front of a camera were no great talents. Now I have (even more) proof. Remember folks, we're only supposed to do what they tell us to do, not what they do themselves.

Posted by scott at 12:48 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2008
And the Stripper Wannabe Goes, "Crash-Flop-THUD"

Reason #7 Why Ellen Can't Have One: she stumbles over level ground. A disasters like these would only be a matter of time.

Far as I could tell the video is SFW.

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2008
Mark's Costume

mark2008costume.jpg

Posted by Ellen at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2008
Yeah, that Can't be Good

You'd think with such a shiny tow truck he'd know better than this. Well, I guess the guy learned a lesson in physics that day.

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
When 'Teh Stoopids' Attack

Go for the description, stay for the picture:

This is the amazing scene of a burglar hanging upside down that greeted home owner Paul Ives when he returned home from work.

Since it happened in the UK, I'm surprised they didn't arrest the homeowner for something like "failure to ensure burglar could enter home safely" or some such nonsense.

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2008
Welcome to Their World

While it's kinda short and the white-on-green color choice is awful, this brief look at the kind of support e-mail Slashdot gets was still amusing, at least to me. It's nice when you get proof positive that it's not just your users who are a bunch of panicky screwups.

Posted by scott at 01:18 PM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2008
F'ing Bird!

Mark gets a damned salty no-prize for bringing us the latest celebrity behaving badly. I'm pretty sure it's staged; then again, Howard Stern runs out-takes of various celebrities melting down during voice-over sessions and I have to admit this sounds a lot like those.

Language is NSFW, but everything else is fine.

Posted by scott at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2008
[Geeky Snort]

I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this whole lambda thing. I think this will actually work! Well, it compiles at any rate:

List<RegistrationBatch> rbl = rbl.Where(x => x.Registrations.Where (y => y.RegistrationTypeUsed.MyClass == registrationType.RegClass.regular).Count() > 0).ToList();

It gives me all the registration batches which contain "regular" registrations. Yeah, I can do this in a heartbeat with a sql string, but that tends to net me unexpected behavior that doesn't show up until runtime, and won't let me use all my handy enums besides.

Wrong Wrong Wrong! comments in 3... 2... 1...

It's my blog, I'll write what I want to!

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
Military Life

Sometimes it's scary, most of the time it's dull, and sometimes, well, sometimes life in the military can be just a little silly. Making inappropriate jokes at inopportune times is, after all, an American past time.

Mark gets a no-prize he can strap to a bomb rack for bringing us this collection of uniquely themed photographs.

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2008
Well, Duh.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised I agree with just about all of the "elements" on this table. Except for Saget. For some reason every time I see him on TV I start to chant "DIAF DIAF DIAF". Sue me.

Posted by scott at 03:46 PM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2008
You've Gotta be Kidding Me

This has to be satire or something. Nobody's campaign staff is that dumb. Right?

Via Instapundit, who took it seriously enough to do some research, with... interesting... results.

Posted by scott at 01:11 PM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2008
Ed IN In Out...

Thanks to Shirin for the entry!

Posted by Ellen at 08:54 PM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2008
I'd be Happy for My Head to Still be Attached

Yeah, I know, it's made the rounds, but I still thought this "take down" of the chatty Today Show hosts was a hoot. Welcome to live TV!

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2008
Paging Richard Wagner, White Courtesy Phone Please

Nothing says "Valkyrie" like big German women with rocks and cudgels:

Pedestrians usually step aside when Gisela Lang and her lady warriors come down the street, re-enacting the glorious day when the Women of Kronach helped oust an invading army from Germany nearly 400 years ago.

"All of us weigh at least 90 kilograms," (200 lbs) said Lang, 52, a local culture official who herself tips the scales at 100 kilos.

Mark gets a no-prize that only sings when it's all over for bringing us this amusing bit of local German tradition.

Posted by scott at 01:55 PM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2008
Head.Explode(Candy);

Think of it as a cat, with thumbs. It's not a sloth; I'm pretty sure it's some sort of loris. Hmm? Oh go look it up.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 01:23 PM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2008
Spaces Matter

Ok, I admit it, I literally laughed out loud when I checked out the URL. I need to get out more...

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
An Alphabet, for the Rest of Us

Brian gets a no-prize that'll play a classic Styx tune with the press of a button for bringing us the Halo Corpse Alphabet. Something tells me this won't end up as a set of magnets for our refrigerator.

And that's not a challenge (Joshua)!

Posted by scott at 10:47 AM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2008
God's Snack

Well, I'm still looking for my Buddha gravy, but at least when I find it I'll have a side dish. Considering all the weird ways Cheetos can come out of the bag, I'm surprised it's taken this long for somebody to spot a Jesus one.

Sorta puts a whole new spin on that "eating the body of Christ" thing, eh?

Posted by scott at 03:32 PM eMail this entry!
Rrm... Wha?!?

I'm pretty sure doggycondoms.com is fake, but if it's not it certainly represents a pretty innovative expression of experimentalism. I think. Somebody else gets to put it on Rover.

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
July 25, 2008
Beep Beep

When the children are away, the parents may play. Vaguely NSFW.

Posted by scott at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2008
Welcome to My World, Ancient Edition

Except for the language, I deal with calls like this just about every day. And people wonder why help desk workers don't last very long...

Posted by scott at 03:54 PM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2008
And Like the Train Kind, You Just Can't Stop Looking

Remember that awful wedding cake you saw years back at your [friend's | relative's | ex's ] event? Bet it wasn't as bad as these.

The worst one I can remember actually was at a wedding, years ago. Strangely, I can't remember exactly who's wedding it was. At any rate, it tried to be a three-level, columned classic. Which it was, if you overlooked the frosting drooling over the sides like slow-motion water from an overfilled punch bowl. The impression of a ruined Greek temple was greatly enhanced by the fluted columns no less than 4 degrees out of true in all different directions. Truly, it was a classic.

Posted by scott at 03:23 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Barry Manilow, White Courtesy Phone Please

It's... It's... a miracle:

Diners have been flocking to a restaurant in northern Nigeria to see pieces of meat which the owner says are inscribed with the name of Allah.

If someone would only find gravy with bits that look like, oh hell I dunno, say Buddah for the sake of argument, we could use this and that Jesus toast to make our very own holy sh*t on a shingle!

I swear, some times I'm so damned clever I amaze even myself.

Via Yourish.

Posted by scott at 11:35 AM eMail this entry!
No [Video] Reverb

Mark gets a no-prize with a really high voice for bringing us more evidence that Rock Band is a video game, not a teaching tool. This must be, what, the sixth or seventh actual rock band that couldn't play their own songs on Rock Band? And check out the drum setup... no wonder they did so poorly!

Posted by scott at 08:59 AM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2008
Are We Having Fun Yet?

So, if a previous article is to be believed, TV commercials now cause kidney stones. What an insight! I should work for TV news!

As an inveterate TiVo user, I haven't intentionally watched a commercial (at home, anyway) in something like six years. Who would've known that would put me in with the greenies? Quick! Someone light up a charcoal grill!

Posted by scott at 01:18 PM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2008
Piz on Quiz

Parents of young children can test the strength of their Seuss-fu with this Dr. Seuss quiz. I only got 7 out of 10, but then again it's been awhile since we've done the Seuss circuit during story time.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
July 18, 2008
A Want Ad for... Rrrmmm... Ok, not Me

Hey, at least he's honest:

You must know your way around [Super Mario Bros.] before we meet... also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

Thing things people are willing to advertise for...

Posted by scott at 03:32 PM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2008
Weer in Ur House

tellin' da troofs. Better than impeechin' our doodz!

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
That's His Royal Highness Cranky Old Man to You, Bub

Lisa R. gets a no prize with a crown and scepter on for bringing us The Principality of Hutt River, which appears to actually be the oldest "micronation" in Australia. They even have a home page. Mint coins and stuff!

Shoot. If I'd know'd it was that easy I'd've done it years ago!

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
A Different Sort of Perq

Work for NASA, pee in a cup. Over and over again, it would seem. But hey, at least it's voluntary!

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2008
Well, at Least it Wasn't a Foil Hat

Ya know, the party just hasn't started until the guy covered in barbecue sauce shows up. When Mr. Shotgun is pointed at you, it really doesn't much matter how badly you need protection from the government, no'Wha'ah'mean?

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2008
Well How the Heck Else do You Expect Them to Get to Grammas?

Why we didn't think of a picture like this, I'll never know. Oh I know all right. They may not shoot guns, but the grammas Olivia's got can swing some pretty heavy bats.

Posted by scott at 01:20 PM eMail this entry!
That Might Leave a Mark

Volunteer fire-fighting seems to be a lot more fun than I would at first have thought. Don't miss the video, amusing in equal parts for the fireman shooting a rocket out of his butt (really!) and the puritanical disapproval of the "investigative" reporter.

Posted by scott at 07:56 AM eMail this entry!
July 10, 2008
Your raw sensuality flusters me as the dog sneezes into the ventilation fan.

Fans of non-sequitors in the peanut gallery should find the Surrealism Server amusing. For a few minutes, at any rate.

Why yes, I have spent all day coding, why do you ask?

Via Violins and Starships

Posted by scott at 03:22 PM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2008
That's Racist!

Long, long ago my mom was on the city council of our local town; her many stories of their meetings kept me from being that surprised about this:

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

Via Countercolumn

Posted by scott at 01:46 PM eMail this entry!
I Need Another Line of Work

I've always known it was expensive to live in Manhatten. I mean, look how much a homeless person gets for just being, well, homeless. Gotta love that rent control!

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2008
... and the Convertible Goes, "Splish-Splash"

I swear to God, the Post Express this morning called this one, "why women shouldn't use a standard transmission." If the thing was going 40 mph when it hit, I would imagine there would be more damage to the pool itself. But wtf do I know? Well, I know a) try not to park a standard on a hill and b) if you do leave it in gear and set the e-brake. Sheesh.

Posted by scott at 08:13 AM eMail this entry!
July 07, 2008
When Spare Time Attacks Journalists

Ron gets a no-prize which can be read end-to-end whilst sitting on a toilet for bringing us this bit of People-esq automotive journalism. Sometimes I think these guys are mostly out for excuses to drive cars no real person could ever afford, instead of providing information about cars I want to buy.

And, dude... what self-respecting "top 10 post-apocalypse vehicles" list would leave off the LM002?

Posted by scott at 02:47 PM eMail this entry!
~ Some People Want to Fill the World ~

I guess it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how to put a mash-up generator on the internet. Sorta reminds me of those old novelty singles that were popular in the 70s. You know, the one where it's a interviewer and the replies are all song snippets? I can't remember the name of the guy who did them anymore. Gah.

Posted by scott at 12:34 PM eMail this entry!
July 04, 2008
When Tech Support Attacks

I only wish I could get away with this crap. Where I work, if I don't deliver exactly what they want just before they know they want it, with a sweet smile and a kind, gentle voice, I'm just not effective.

Posted by scott at 10:00 AM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2008
Who You Gonna Call?

Go for the cellos, stay for the polka. I guess string players gotta make a living somehow, eh?

The fall of the iron curtain gave everyone over there the freedom to be silly as well, ya know?

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2008
Your Thought for the Day

dearlord.jpg

For the less technical, what you'd be asking for is the ability to smack idiots around via the Internet.

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2008
Supervan!

Ron gets a no-prize that'll keep on truckin' for bringing us this brief bit of '70s nostalgia. I wonder where they put the 8-track?

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
June 24, 2008
When Bloopers Attack

Remember folks, news anchors just have to be pretty. They don't have to be smart. Damned good thing too, eh?

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
My Lawn: You Get Off it

My lawn:

The owner of a tiny island in off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands.

The British have a long and varied tradition of cherishing eccentricity. Looks like they've got yet another entry right here.

Posted by scott at 11:33 AM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2008
~ Come on in and Cover Me ~

Mark gets a no-prize that'll make his ears bleed for bringing us news of the worst, and best, cover songs of all time. For now. According to them, at any rate. I could've sworn I'd heard the top worst pick somewhere along the line. Maybe it was all just a bad dream.

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2008
Family Portrait 2008 Sea World

caircature2008.jpg

Well what do you expect from us? A real photo? :)

Posted by Ellen at 06:51 PM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2008
List<Money> fml = SoonParted(from f in listOfFools where f.moneys.count > 0 select f);

Coming to a hi-fi wanker store near you: $500 "audiophile" ethernet cable. Directional, even! Ok, the CAT-5 equivalent of lamp power cord is a bit more expensive than, well, lamp power cord, but it'll transmit your data just as well as the cord transmits electricity to your speakers, and it'll all sound just as good as the idjit who spends $5k on his interconnects.

Oh, and I couldn't quite think of how to express the "fool and his money" adage in a single line using a lambda. After 12 years using the real thing, I'm just too comfy with pseudo-SQL. I'll leave alternatives as thought exercises for the peanut gallery.

Posted by scott at 07:28 AM eMail this entry!
A Promotion, for the Rest of Us

Three words: Farming with Dynamite. Does the real chance of dying from some weird disease that today would only require a shot balance out with having high explosives available for purchase at the corner hardware store? I'm just not sure...

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2008
Ok That's Just Tacky

It was bound to happen eventually. Someone's come up with a "sock Obama". It's got that great racist fizz!

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2008
Chickens.Roost(Home);

Like a child who refuses to clean up her room until her trip to the movies is threatened, it would seem China really can control counterfeiters, if they're given a reason. If I were Microsoft or Sony, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for this newfound efficiency to "bleed over" into any of my piracy cases. They do have their priorities, donchanknow?

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2008
It's not Like There's Anything Else to Do
Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2008
Oh Noes!!!

I think this one pretty much defines "so scared you scream like a girl." Since she is, and does, and is, well, there ya go. Me, I'd be hooting and hollering like a goddamned chimpanzee, but I'm special that way.

Posted by scott at 02:26 PM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2008
But What About "Supercalifragalisticexpialadocious?"

While I knew the correct definition for most of these "9 words that don't mean what you think they mean", there were still a few surprises. I have, fortunately, grown out of the habit of correcting people about them. Having a wife who can tell her husband to f- off three different ways in two sentences will teach one to maintain one's own council about such things, donchaknow?

Posted by scott at 03:44 PM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2008
When Girlfriends Attack

Male domestication, step 4: teaching him practical jokes that worked on his dorm friends will not work on you. I learned this one a long time ago. This is probably more due to me being old than to me being smart. Just ask my wife!

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2008
Must... Exercise...

No, really, I'm just watching to see how the widget works. Personally, I think "boobmaster" would've been a more appropriate name. SFW!

Posted by scott at 02:41 PM eMail this entry!
May 28, 2008
Plate Fun

They're called "awful", but I think this collection of custom license plates is pretty funny. I especially like the "EAT THE - [children first]" plate. From Virginia no less!

Posted by scott at 12:57 PM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2008
Med Terms

Members of the peanut gallery currently or formerly involved in the medical profession (veterinary or otherwise) may find thi s list of "insulting" diagnosis abbreviations of interest. The comments on the FARK link include more items, as well as more than a few sniffy "This is not funny!" replies.

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
~ Paranoia May Destroy Ya ~

Annie gets a no-prize with foil hat firmly attached for bringing us this "doomsday" scenario at least one group believes is inevitable if a national ID scheme is ever implemented. Because we all know how the current amazingly well constructed HIPAA legislation is being utterly and completely ignored.

Next...

Posted by scott at 12:35 PM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2008
Too Much Time..

...

But O so funny.

Posted by Ellen at 11:25 AM eMail this entry!
May 23, 2008
Oops.

I'm not sure which is better... the position of this (very expensive) British helicopter, or the position of the parking truck. The latter being quite definitively out of frame, we'll just have to speculate.

Posted by scott at 11:57 AM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2008
Dude. Wait, What? X

Nothing livens up a press conference like counter-rotating flying dildos. No, really!

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 04:41 PM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2008
... Hardly Evar

Fark veterans will know nearly all of them by heart, but the rest of you should find this collection of best mugshots "evar" amusing. Hey, at least they're famous for something!

Posted by scott at 09:10 PM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2008
Best. Typo. Evar!

Chili's a cow. Chili's a big cow. Chili has an interesting taste in snacks (emphasis added):

However, nine-year-old Chilli grazes just on grass and enjoys the occasional swede as a treat at his home at the Ferne Animal Sanctuary in Chard, Somerset, where he was dumped at six days old.

How the hell does that get by the copy editors?

Posted by scott at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2008
Pac Man Fever

Mark gets a silver no-prize with an earthy blue star on it for bringing us this older, but no less amusing, cartoon about a certain peanut gallery member's favorite football team. I'd probably laugh more, but the Redskins stink so bad they're not usually not even worth the occasional chuckle.

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2008
When Roaches Attack!

I peed myself laughing at this.

Of course...it's Florida!

Posted by Ellen at 09:07 PM eMail this entry!
An Update, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a no-prize with no detectable accent I can hear for bringing us this "Red State Update" view of the Democratic primary process. It was the very last line of dialog that clinched it for me.

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2008
A Datastorm, for the Rest of Us

While I would've probably enjoyed more floppy-induced mayhem and less goofy shtick, this film about one man's quest to find a use for 3.5" floppies was still amusing. This is my boomstick!!!

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2008
Turbo!

Damion gets an extremely subtle no-prize for bringing us one fine example of hot-rodding a ricer. Hey, at least he's not hiding anything, eh?

Posted by scott at 08:34 AM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2008
I Bet All Together They've Got Three Brain Cells

Rhinos: 1, Wildebeast: 0. Hey, if they were bright they wouldn't be living like that, ya know?

Posted by scott at 02:43 PM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2008
-- --- .-. ... . -.-. --- -.. . .-- .. -. ...

Mark gets an old but good no-prize for bringing us the latest (that we've seen anyway) Morse code vs. text message contest. Oh, and Jay, it's MORSE, not "morris." Geeze.

Posted by scott at 11:40 AM eMail this entry!
When Rich White People Attack

Annie gets a very interestingly shaped no-prize for bringing us the true story of what happens when rich Americans in the West get into a tiff with each other. You can take the redneck out of his tacky neighborhood, but...

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2008
Oh Dear...

So, fess up now, are any of your favorite songs on this list of "top 90's worst videos. I'm expecting a lot of indignant harumpfs and denials from the peanut gallery. Methinks they doth...

Posted by scott at 12:45 PM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2008
Best. Bloopers. Evar!

I always suspected those guys underneath the stage of The Muppet Show were having a good time. Now I have proof.

Rick R. gets a no-prize in the shape of a score board for bringing us this great link.

Posted by scott at 12:32 PM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2008
Wow. Just... wow.

Any Brits who go on about how tacky people in the US can be are pleased to be shutting up and sitting down now. And all this time I thought Amber's dress was complicated...

Posted by scott at 01:02 PM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2008
Getting an Early Start, a Good Sign

Annie gets a no-prize with an extremely amusing mug shot attached for bringing us a story involving of one of the less popular places to spend one's wedding night:

A newlywed couple spent the night in separate jail cells -- she in her wedding gown -- after police said they brawled with each other, then members of another wedding party, at a suburban Pittsburgh hotel.

And could someone please explain wtf a "Yintzer" is?

Posted by scott at 02:18 PM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2008
If You Love Your Country...

I agree with Ron, Best! Song! Evar!!! I especially liked how Rodney kept looking at the balcony chick. Impressive. Most impressive.

NSFW!

Posted by scott at 03:13 PM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2008
We're from the Government, and We're Here to Help

They must've been on sale or something:

Three streetcars purchased by the District of Columbia for about $10 million are being held in the Czech Republic until the city builds tracks for the cars.

Bought 'em three years ago, no less.

Posted by scott at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2008
A+++++, Would do business again!

Pat gets a no-prize with no reserve set on it for bringing us news that you, too, can get your classified military parts cheap on e-bay. I would like to think the whole thing was a complicated sting operation to allow the FBI to pop Achmejanni trying to pick up some spares for his Tomcats. Of course, this is the Federal government we're talking about here, so...

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2008
When Little Brothers Attack

Bad: getting yelled at by mom for not telling her you're meeting some myspace guy you met.

Worse: having a kid brother around with a video camera.

Couldn't tell if it was a younger or older brother, but it doesn't matter. Is this a conversation I'm going to have in 13 years? I'd like to think not.

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice." -- Bill Cosby

Via Econlog.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2008
And that, Friends, is Why Helmets are Good

It's also why towing children's toys with grown-up four-wheelers is bad. No kids were harmed in the filming, although I imagine that teenage punk's little sister isn't going to be very happy with him.

Posted by scott at 03:32 PM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2008
IThinkAhBettahDanceNow

Something tells me one of Ellen's co-workers probably has a picture of him somewhere wearing suits just like this. Well, not the guy with the gold lame boots, the businessmen.

You just all better watch out, this could be coming to a movie night near you!

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2008
When Trophy Wives Attack

Now, far as I'm concerned any woman over 30 who marries a man more than twice her age deserves what she gets. I also think the reverse is also true. Go for the ridiculous story. Stay for the cRaZy eyes.

Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2008
April 11, 2008
Busted

Hooray for Viagra! Hey, it's what married people are supposed to do.

Technically SFW, but some of the ads are suspiciously raunchy.

Posted by scott at 07:39 AM eMail this entry!
Beaver For U

Lisa brings us a very 'down under' ad all the way from DOWN UNDER!

Posted by Ellen at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2008
Nerd Attacks!

The sad thing is, I know a few guys who've actually had conversations like this. And did I mention how glad I am I never ever ever have to go back to high school?

Warning: audio only, but the language is pretty blue.

Stafoo???

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
When the Public Attacks

Mark gets an obnoxious no-prize for bringing us even more reasons police have the hardest job in the world.

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2008
Shirley Q. Liquor & Hemmoroid Wisdom

Posted by Ellen at 05:06 PM eMail this entry!
When Boredom Attacks

Mark gets a no-prize that'll be there for an hour for bringing us this look at the daily grind of checkpoint work. Now that the Mahdi militia is back on the march, something tells me things are quite so boring.

Posted by scott at 07:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2008
Oops

Houses do a lot of things well. Unfortunately boucing isn't one of them. The back-story is here.

Annie gets a no-prize she better not take over a bridge for bringing us this "redneck joke just waiting to happen."

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2008
~ Please Tell Me Why / My Car is in the Front Yard / and I'm Sleepin with My Clothes On ~

Ok, it's no Caturday, but this Fark thread in celebration of the end of prohibition is still, as I'm wont to annoyingly say nowadays, "full of win." So sit back, relax, and read about just how much worse other people's drinking stories are than yours will ever be.

Posted by scott at 05:04 PM eMail this entry!
Ron... is that You?!?

Actually, this reminds me of more folks than just Ron. Me? Oh hell, I'm too old for that crap nowadays.

Posted by scott at 04:50 PM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2008
When Riffing Attacks

You'd think by now people would learn not to give Robin Williams a microphone without a script. Then again, if they did, the world would most likely be a much stuffier place.

Posted by scott at 01:21 PM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2008
Fuggedaboudit

My house is like this whenever I try to make tomato sauce ahem... gravy. Except the guy with the crowbar is shorter, prettier, and, you know, a woman. Not that we're mentioning any names here!

Besides, Ellen swears a lot more than that.

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
*Clonk*

Mark gets a no-prize that'll plead no-contest when it goes to trial for bringing us a rather colorful way of failing a sobriety test. You're doing it wrong!

Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2008
First You Laugh, Then You Die

Leave it to the French to mount a 75mm cannon on a Vespa scooter. Are those goofy little things really that good off-road?

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2008
Big Ol' Sled of Fail

Lesson #28 on How Not to Do a Remote: never try reporting from the bottom of a snow sled hill.

It's almost too good to be true, but I'm provisionally believing it, at least for now.

Posted by scott at 03:11 PM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2008
~ Uh-Oh, It's Magic ~

You knew it was only a matter of time before someone explained just what about Ashley Dupres was worth $5000. Hmf. I thought they were all blue-tooth enabled. How else does my wife knows where everything is?

Posted by scott at 01:49 PM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2008
Rubber Face

I personally can think of no better use for a high-speed camera. Wait, what the hell am I saying? This would be the second best use of a high-speed camera. You all can guess at the first, but I will tell you it starts with a "b" and ends with an "oobs."

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2008
Pole Freak

Another good laugh(s).

Posted by Ellen at 06:15 PM eMail this entry!
And Now Da Sportz!

We received free tickets to the new D.C. Newseum from a very good friend that works there. If you have not heard about the Newseum, it is all on media. Yes, the news. Highly recommended visit for D.C.

Now, you get the opportunity to play "reporter" out on the streets for FREE! Yep, this one you do not have to pay for! So what did I do? I made Scott get up there with Olivia and "play reporter."

">
Posted by Ellen at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
March 22, 2008
Busy Body Burgers

I think their actual mistake was opening their restaurant so close to campus:

The restaurant, which opened two weeks ago, sits south of campus at the intersection of State and Hill streets. Adorning the blue awning above the restaurant next to its name is an image of a cowgirl riding a hamburger.

The Stonewall Democrats, a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender caucus of the University's College Democrats chapter, has taken offense with the restaurant's logo and recently began circulating a petition to sway the owners to change the logo.

I must be getting old. I can remember when it was just "Gay and Lesbian." The more names they add the less I take them seriously.

Posted by scott at 09:43 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2008
Death by Tray

Comedian Eddie Izzard strikes again, this time with helpful Lego animation! His monologues on history bear a surprising resemblance to my own at times. Maybe I should put on lipstick and eyeshadow and go on stage?

Or, perhaps easier, learn how to, you know, actually be funny?

Posted by scott at 05:31 PM eMail this entry!
Say What?

While I doubt these really are the ten most racist moments in TV, I did get a giggle. I especially liked the sports commentators who's urge to fill the air with anything finally bites them on the bum.

Posted by scott at 08:17 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2008
Dude. Wait... What? VIII

Those of you who wonder just what it would look like if you mixed the ridiculous earnest sincerity of a national politician with the loopy lunacy that only Japan can incarnate need wonder no more:

Foreign Minister Masahiko Komura appointed the cat an "anime ambassador," handing a human-sized Doraemon doll an official certificate at an inauguration ceremony, along with dozens of "dorayaki" red bean pancakes — his favorite dessert — piled on a huge plate.

No, really!

Posted by scott at 06:30 PM eMail this entry!
Oh Noes!

Turns out there may be something beer can't do after all:

After years of argument over the roles of factors like genius, sex and dumb luck, a new study shows that something entirely unexpected and considerably sudsier may be at play in determining the success or failure of scientists — beer.

Hey, at least it wasn't my tax dollars at work!

Posted by scott at 08:00 AM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2008
One Night, at Ron and Amber's

I'm not saying Ron's an anarchist bent on spreading murderous chaos for humor value, I'm... well, actually, I guess that is what I'm saying after all. We lurv him so.

Posted by scott at 06:08 PM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2008
A Crappy Misfire

That old codger with the chicken crap catapult? All it did was fling a bunch of fail. But he's vowed to try again, so who knows?

Posted by scott at 10:42 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2008
Dur

The reason people turn to a life of crime is because they're too stupid to do anything else:

Perhaps James Wombles thought he made a clean getaway when he reportedly committed multiple burglaries in Clark and Miami counties between December and January.

But authorities tracked the Montgomery County man down by following the GPS signals from his electronic monitoring bracelet. He has been in the Miami County Jail since his Jan. 22 arrest on charges of receiving stolen property.

Sometimes they act as a deterrent. Other times, they enable arrest.

Posted by scott at 12:47 PM eMail this entry!
Actually, I Like it that Color

Annie gets a no-prize that'll get out any stain for bringing us a story that really would be run if we were put in charge of the Church's laundry. Pink underwear... it's the new white!

Posted by scott at 09:50 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2008
String Fun

Mike J gets a no-prize that'll slide all over the place for bringing us an example of just how far too much free time can go. The note about the difficulties of testing certain kinds of programs is interesting too.

Posted by scott at 10:00 AM eMail this entry!
March 11, 2008
Oh Dear...

Joshua is the proud recipient of the Ed Wood no-prize for Absolutely Worst Movie of 2007 for bringing us well, this. The best part is, these people will almost certainly end up on Conan or Kimmel over this. Hey, if it can happen to that Tron suit guy, it can happen to anyone!

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2008
Hot & Not

Presenting HotChicksWithDoucheBags.com, your one-stop-shop for the dorkiest white guys on the planet who, somehow, still manage to at least get close to hot women. I was wondering which trends in the 'aughts would end up in the next VH1 "I love the..." specials. I don't wonder anymore.

Posted by scott at 03:59 PM eMail this entry!
Teller Speaks

I'm not completely sure what's up with everyone being so into zombies suddenly, but I still found & Teller amusing. I think it would've been better to see Penn wandering around in makeup, but he's probably too manic to make a really convincing zombie.

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2008
Rrmm... oookayyy...

Leave it to the English to take the whole goth thing way too far. You know the story: pay taxes, stay out of trouble, keep off my lawn, none of my business.

I can still raise an eyebrow!

Posted by scott at 05:03 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2008
Score! A Direct Hit!

Alternate title: Junk, meet gate pole; gate pole, junk. I'm not completely sure it's real, it seems a bit too good to be true. I do know, however, that downhill skiers can top 60 mph, so one hopes a cup was part of his equipment. As it were.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
Grit Brit to Mob Yobs: Git off Me Lawn!

While using a retired trebuchet to fling chicken poo at thieves is all well and good, I can't help but think there'd be an aiming problem. They were originally meant to knock down walls, which don't move around near as much as your average punk. The cannon sounds more promising, if only I knew exactly what a "railroad sleeper" was.

The fact that he'll likely get in deep trouble if he ever actually uses his defenses speaks volumes about what eleven years of Labor rule has done to Britain's vaunted self-reliance. There, but for the grace of God and a Democratic party too disorganized to accomplish anything they consider meaningful, go us.

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2008
Drink Drank Drunk

Fark (of course) linked up "the worst shots ever created", a list which purports to contain the absolute worst shot drinks created by man. Looking at the list, I'd have a hard time disagreeing with them. The crap people will put down their throats in a bar at 2 am never ceases to amaze me.

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
Very Clever, Mr. Bond

Why use a laptop case when a pizza box will do? I've always tossed a towel over valuable stuff in my car. The wise owner of an old convertible will always have one or two in the car at all times.

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2008
Lesson Learned

Don't mess with the scales, young man, you'll get the teeth. Or, you know, something like that. With picture!

Posted by scott at 08:21 AM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2008
PWN3D!!!

Cricket batter: 1, streaker: 0. Includes nekkid-buttage pic, so if that's NSFW you've been warned.

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2008
White Guide

Presenting StuffWhitePeopleLike.com, a damned funny blog about a white guy picking apart his own preferences and preconceptions and, in the process, doing so for nearly every other white person I know. Particularly amusing to me was an observation that sounded eerily like this site's co-owner:

...what do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: expensive sandwiches.

In most cities, if you need to find a cache of white people get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese are strongly European.
...
These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they wants to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.

Via Violins and Starships, who makes the quite valid point that we may find this amusing more because of where we live than the color of our skin. I don't much care, the satire works just as well when you live in the correct area.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
It Came From... The 80s!

Everything old being, as always, new again, 80s perms are making a comeback. Fortunately, in the UK. Unfortunately, probably here soon enough.

If things end up timing correctly, Olivia will be raiding Nina's old high school clothes for her fashions.

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2008
Ferrari: NOT YOURS

Personally, I think if someone actually mistakes a re-skinned Fiero for one of Modena's finest, they deserve what they get. But that's just me.

Posted by scott at 11:01 AM eMail this entry!
February 29, 2008
Now That's Just Tacky

Mark gets a no-prize he'll have to hide from the border patrol for bringing us yet another tasteless flash game. Those damned things move fast!

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2008
Man Trap?

Personally, I think the effectiveness of this will be determined by the bait. However, I have a feeling the number of choices required for a catch would not be particularly large.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
Mom, is that You?

Sorta puts that whole "pizza boxes in the oven" thing in perspective, eh?

A 42-year-old borough woman was injured when what authorities called a stash of "homemade fireworks" stored inside her oven exploded.

So much for the quiet town.

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2008
Well Wouldn't That Just Suck

Problem: Hajji, being the secretive sort he is, gradually learns to hide from your big, sophisticated robot airplanes.

Solution: Make tiny, simple robot airplanes that look like bugs and birds, enabling you to facilitate a meeting with Hajji and his 72 virgins in a quick and efficient manner.

New problem: Cats (and other things):

There are bats, birds and other insects out there that will find it a cinch to catch robot butterfly's, mechanical birds or even cyborg moths. It will be a long time until our artificial flyers will be anywhere near a match for Nature's airbourne hunter-killers.

I can definitely see the disappointment involved in creating a zillion dollar droid which ends up showing you nothing more than what the inside of a cat looks like. And boy wouldn't that be an interesting thing to scoop out of the litterbox?

Via Ares.

Update: Go for the edifying discussion. Stay for the Y duz fud buzz? video.

Posted by scott at 02:34 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2008
A Pencil Sharpener, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a no-prize shaped like a starfish for bringing us a rather unique pencil sharpener. How Amber and Ellen managed to survive without one of these I'll never know.

Posted by scott at 12:35 PM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2008
Yoiks... and... Away!!!

Annie gets a no-prize that should never be brought anywhere near the water's edge for bringing us a remarkable set of "Murphy's Law" pictures, and an explanation of why the last one is just too good to be true. I thought the last one in the e-mail looked a little funny. Considering what actually happened, there really wasn't much of a need.

Posted by scott at 07:56 PM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2008
A Picture Collection, for the Rest of Us

It's a unique collection indeed in which I have not seen a single one before. In other words, they're original, they're subversive, and they're fun. Don't just sit there, go look!

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 07:12 PM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2008
Flash Fun

Trillions of dollars and billions of man-hours to create, expand, and maintain the Internet, just to make sure we can see stuff like this. I love this country!

Posted by scott at 04:03 PM eMail this entry!
February 19, 2008
Fun with Flash

I'm sure Olivia will find this one at least a little funny. The trick is making sure Ellen doesn't run it completely into the ground, al-la "The Egg Song."

Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
Yakuza, Ninja, and Tempura, Oh My!

Joshua, I have found your next goofy movie. It woulda been Ron's too, but it wasn't animated enough and lacked tentacles.

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
February 18, 2008
Bubble 2.0

Looks like things are heating up over on the West Coast again. Maybe tech stocks will return to save us all?

Posted by scott at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2008
Fun with Maps

Mark gets a no-prize he just shouldn't look at for bringing us the real secret behind Google Maps. It's getting to the point Google is nearly as scary as Microsoft!

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2008
Men, in a Single Sentence

Resolved: If it explodes, moves fast or produces ridiculous amounts of torque, it's cool.

Seconded, passed unanimously. Now where's the fuse?

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2008
A Reviewer, for the Rest of Us

Joshua gets a no-prize that throws out more jokes per second than Robin Williams on crack for introducing us to Ben Croshaw, the lord of Zero Punctuation.

Just go straight to the Super Mario review, then Guitar Hero III. You can thank me later.

And remember, he is Not. Gay!

Posted by scott at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
Oh Noes! Not the Funding!

Always remember one of the hallmarks of a spoiled brat is the ability to dish it out but not take it:

As six Republican senators devised a plan to yank $2.3 million in federal funding for Berkeley programs, the mayor of the famously liberal city apologized Wednesday for his hard stance against a Marine recruiting center.

Too bad these aren't actually six-year-olds, and they're running a city.

Being able to think more than three turns ahead is the mark of a grand master, in politics as much as chess. I'm not sure what sort of mark is made when someone doesn't even think of the consequences of the move their making right now.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 12:05 PM eMail this entry!
Double-Double

Mark gets a no-prize that probably shouldn't look like that for bringing us this collection of unique "look-a-likes". Nobody said duplicating someone at 1/8th scale was easy!

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2008
That's Certainly not What I was Taught About Where Babies Come From

Have fun parsing this one. Then again, the perspective seems all wrong to me. Maybe it's just a goofy photoshop?

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 02:15 PM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2008
Pretty Much Says it All

Actually, it's not just mathematicians and physicists. Just about all my friends would be vulnerable to this sort of dastardly trick.

For whatever reason, I'm reminded of a scene out of the recent Dr. Who series. The Doctor gives and extremely elaborate and detailed explanation for why something that looks like a cross between a zombie and a bread machine is trying to gnaw everyone's face off. After two minutes, he stops for a bit, and everyone looks at his (cute, blond, female) companion. She says, "I find it's easier to just wait until he's out of breath and then nod a bit."

Ellen didn't stop laughing for five minutes. No idea why.

Posted by scott at 08:17 PM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2008
EBay, Meet EGrift

Look, people, If you can't bring it home don't f'ing bid for it on Ebay:

Hundreds of people in the poor Romanian town of Dragasani have grown rich by conning eBay online auction customers with deals that seem too good to be true - and often are.

The scammers have even put the new town hall up for sale on eBay, the mayor admitted last week. “I mean, who would want it?” he asked.

Bonus: the classic trailer-trash momma quote, "He's just a good boy who got mixed up with the wrong crowd." I wonder if it's more poetic in Romanian?

Like most illnesses, this one seems to be playing out in the very young, the very old, and the very stupid.

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
From Russa, with... Something...

Welcome to the former Soviet Union, where all manner of things are possible. Possible, yes. Desirable, well, that's something else all together.

Although, truth be told, I recall seeing things nearly as goofy in and around the South while I was growing up. Most are now long gone, so I think it's as much a sign of poverty as it is cultural quirks.

"If own grandmother pulls plow in underwear... you might be from Russia."

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2008
When the Writer's Strike Attacks

The advantages of having a cute girlfriend with connections. We've heard Sarah on Stern more than once... she really is like this.

Posted by scott at 09:49 PM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2008
Welcome to the High End. Please Keep Hands and Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

This is why, after more than 25 years, I only flirt with the Hi-fi hobby:

The Andromeda Reference, part of the Moon Evolution series, is Simaudio's flagship CD player. As such, it's a showcase for the company's latest and best technology, and they've gone all out in its execution. The double chassis is a perfect example. Sim began by separating the power supplies for the digital and analog sections, then designed each around an optimized, purpose-built toroidal transformer to minimize thermal, electrical, and magnetic leakage, and loaded them up with copious amounts of capacitor storage. Next, they shielded the transformers from the circuitry, and mechanically isolated the transformers and the circuit boards from each other and within the power-supply chassis. Then, to ensure that any residual power-supply noise was truly isolated from the audio signals, Sim put both supplies in their own chassis. The analog and digital power supplies each has its own umbilical to the CD-player chassis.

More than twelve thousand dollars later, and whaddaya got? 16 bits, 44.1khz sample rate, just like my $200 Emerson had in 1983. Just to add frosting to the lunacy, the reviewer starts comparing it all to vinyl. Because we all really know the true hi-fi benchmark was set in 1957, donchaknow?

Gah, I say, Gah!

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2008
Burger inna Can

No, really, a burger in a can. And he eated it! What will those silly Germans think of next?

Posted by scott at 08:33 AM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2008
Petty News

Joshua gets a giant demon-shaped no-prize for bringing us this startling development regarding the Super Bowl half-time show. Don't feel bad, mom, if I hadn't watched all of Ellen's brothers play Guitar Hero over Christmas I wouldn't have any damned idea what they were talking about either. Pop culture inside jokes... gotta love 'em!

Posted by scott at 01:44 PM eMail this entry!
Commemorating Black 13th

While I'm pretty sure the house of inveterate Cowboy's fan Ron didn't echo with screaming German, I bet something very like this went on in his head. I don't know just how many different ways this particular track can be mashed up, but this one was definitely a winner.

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2008
Dog Sled

It would appear that, just sometimes, enthusiasm can be an antifreeze. Go for the goofy dog jumping in the snow. Stay for said goofy dog's "Bugs on his way to the beach" tunneling imitation.

Posted by scott at 01:41 PM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2008
Soap Taste Testing

That's right soap.

And I PAY people at work to eat cat food and cat treats. No wait, I make them get in the dryer too!

Posted by Ellen at 09:36 PM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2008
Oh... My... God...

Ron and Amber, recently liberated from The Garden State, you may now start your flashbacks. The only time I've spent any significant time in NJ it was in the middle of winter, and I went nowhere near the club scene. Looks like it was win-win for ol' Scott!

Posted by scott at 01:35 PM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2008
Actually, I Sucjk at CorelDraw

Joshua gets a tragic yet informative no-prize for bringing us the Best. Photoshop. Tutorial. Evar! All four parts are great, although I think a few members of the peanut gallery will be in a huff after episode 2. Relax! Repeat to yourself... it's only a story... all fake, not real!

Sometimes they have problems telling the difference when it comes to... "p*ss factories."

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
A Vending Machine, for... Dude... What?

Surprisingly, this vending machine is not available in Japan. You can get beer and used panties on streetcorners in Tokyo, but you have to come to LA to get your pot fix from an armored soda dispenser.

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2008
Couldn't Have Happened to a Nicer Guy

Brings a whole new meaning to, "fall down go boom."

A recent book I read discussed at some length how over time humanity seems to have genetically "bred out" its more violent traits. It would seem Western Europe's transformation from a seething hotbed of violence to the milquetoast of the developed world would bear this sort of thing out. I wonder if, by literally blowing themselves out of the gene pool, the Arab cultures will eventually tame themselves in just such a fashion?

Posted by scott at 10:19 AM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2008
You Have Got to be Kidding Me

Walt M. gets the Darth Vader Ultimate Armament no-prize for (in the comments) cluing us into a .50 caliber air gun. A 1/2" slug, pushed by air. Those damned chipmunks better watch the F- out, s'all I'm sayin'.

Posted by scott at 07:39 PM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2008
Livin' in a Box

In the early 70s, even the trailer parks were supposed to be fabulously "mod". Luckily, free markets in the West made these popular but misguided attempts to "revolutionize" housing flop like the poorly planned utopias they were. The communist block wasn't so lucky, as the legions of critically-acclaimed Brutalist buildings with leaky roofs and lukewarm AC will attest.

Posted by scott at 08:53 AM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2008
~ Let's See How Far We've Come ~

Hard to imagine, but there are high school graduates who will not get one bit of this. Of course, high-tech in 1980 was even more classically silly. Who knows what'll be current when Olivia graduates high school?

Via Econlog.

Posted by scott at 02:21 PM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2008
A Day in the Life

Something tells me, if Ron and I were to somehow get incarnated into a video game, we wouldn't be two Strong and Quick Heroestm, we'd be these guys. It only got scary when one of them said "balls" in context.

Joshua's the only one of us who's actually played Portal. He'll most likely have the biggest laugh of all. At least until he comes around that corner. L-O-L.

Posted by scott at 08:13 PM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2008
"Anymore" Implies a "Once Was"

Mark gets a no-prize that'll throw a rock at him if he gets on its lawn for bringing us a deeply unappreciated reminder of my upcoming 40th birthday. I normally say, "yeah, but you're catching up fast" to such jests, but Mark started out several leagues ahead in this particular race.

The status of various grammas Shall Not Be Mentioned.

Posted by scott at 05:07 PM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2008
Your (Graphic) Though for the Day

Socialism_by_miniamericanflags.jpg

Even though it's 78% soft-headed college lefties, I do still love the occasional conservative on Fark

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
Diver Down

Most people would find paying fifteen million dollars for a hamburger a sign that something's wrong. Most people, however, are not Robert Mugabe. When will it all end?

Posted by scott at 01:20 PM eMail this entry!
January 16, 2008
Blended Hero

Guitar Hero, Blender. Blender, Hero. I've seen these blenders in the store occasionally. Trust me, you are definitely paying for the ability to blend anything.

Posted by scott at 03:03 PM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2008
If Ron Owned A Brewery

Now now...we KNOW Ron is a wine drinker..but still, this is Ron.

Posted by Ellen at 09:27 PM eMail this entry!
Sadly, We're not Even This Hip

All of our plans usually wrap up around 8 pm. The more risque friends and associates we have should most definitely get a laugh out of this one.

Posted by scott at 09:12 PM eMail this entry!
Your Thought for the Day

"Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders."
--Unknown

Don't look at me, man. I do C#.

Posted by scott at 07:36 PM eMail this entry!
Gotta Love Those Backgrounds

Annie gets a no-prize with a lop-sided background and a really bad haircut for bringing us this... historic... collection of department store photo studio products. I would imagine we all have such awful photos of ourselves stashed in a closet somewhere.

Posted by scott at 04:00 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2008
Biff the "Par-Tay" Slayer

I know lots of guys who are white enough, but none that are rich enough. Wtf is "raw tea" anyway?

Posted by scott at 10:37 AM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2008
One of Us

Well, what would happen if God had a MySpace page? There certainly seem to be a lot of users who could do with some retribution, s'all I'm sayin'.

Yeah, it's a little long, but does have some clever bits. I thought the various choices of computer were amusing.

Posted by scott at 12:46 PM eMail this entry!
Not That There's Anything Wrong with That

Personally, I've never noticed any of these "obviously" gay ads. Then again, I'm well known for being about as quick on the uptake as Jamie Lynn Spears watching a condom ad. So what do I know?

Meh. Stay out of trouble, pay your taxes, keep off my lawn, and I officially cease to care. It's your product, market it as you please.

Article contains one vaguely NSFW ad.

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2008
Oh My!

Posted by Ellen at 09:33 PM eMail this entry!
I Told You, it's Not Mine!

Teenager + car + alcohol = busted + car. You balance the equation. His mom already did.

Posted by scott at 09:41 AM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2008
Joshua? Is that You?

Mark gets a no-prize which will protest to its last for bringing us this look at how most gamers really act when they get banned from their favorite games.

Personally, anything that makes fun of Nazis in their darkest hour is fine by me.

Posted by scott at 08:41 PM eMail this entry!
Whirlygig

I'm pretty sure this thing is supposed to be yet another perpetual motion machine. While it looks impressive enough, I think it's quite suspicious the video was shot in such a dark room. I also noted the lack of a more detailed examination of the thing's guts. In other words, just because I can't say how it was made doesn't mean the product isn't still a bottle of snake oil.

Triple negative! Woot!

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2008
When Judges Attack

Who says the law has to be stuffy? Makes up for all those reports about the judge and the penis pump.

Well, ok, not really. But still!

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2008
Headlines, for the Rest of Us

Fark had its (as far as I can tell) first-ever "headline of the year" contest this year, and the winners are just great. Showbiz was my favorite category, with politics a close second.

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
January 02, 2008
Rapture: NOT YOURS

Hey, at least he's owning up to his mistake. Sort of, in that great, fizzy, "I'm-a-wack-but-I-meant-well" sort of way. That's the problem with prophesying the end of history. It just keeps happening anyway.

Posted by scott at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
December 31, 2007
Jingle Bang

It's never too late for some Christmas carols. I didn't know Dunham could be that edgy.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 02:31 PM eMail this entry!
December 27, 2007
Suicide by Free Time

I'm not sure which is more impressive, that you can build a contraption this elaborate for a self-frag, or that someone would actually try to do it. Fun with physics models!

Posted by scott at 02:47 PM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2007
The More You Complicate the Plumbing...

New Scientist has a year-end collection of the most spectacular science screw-ups of the year. Of course, there are still a few days left, so maybe we'll get more entries.

Posted by scott at 10:29 AM eMail this entry!
December 25, 2007
MiniVanGoesWhere?!?

Finally some loon ran the right building over. And kudos to the quick-thinking producer for jumping to the remote even when the news is happening in the newsroom.

Posted by scott at 09:57 AM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2007
Friends Don't Let Friends Make Bad Puns

Mark gets a no-prize that's going to be exhibit #1 in his murder trial for bringing us the worst joke we've heard in a long, long time. Which we did not laugh at. Did not even crack a smile. No sniggering, no guffaws, not even a tittle.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 06:55 PM eMail this entry!
December 18, 2007
Fun with Wood
Posted by scott at 03:28 PM eMail this entry!
Oh No He Dih-Unt!

Sometimes you just gots ta tell it like it is:

Although I am American, England has been my home since I was three years old. I now split my time between Los Angeles and London and regularly visit New York. There are many, many differences between the British and the Americans, but none more glaring than UK women’s approach to their own upkeep.
...
A perfect example of this was presented to me last week. I was set up with Sophie (I have changed the name) by married friends. Sophie was a truly beautiful girl I used to be friends with, but hadn’t seen in 15 years. I was surprised to hear that she was still single and was excited to meet her again. At dinner, I found myself sitting opposite something that surely would have been happier hunting for truffles in the forests of France or grazing on the grassy marshlands of Canada. My friend’s wife had told me that Sophie still had the body of a 20-year-old. Maybe she did . . . dismembered in her freezer at home.

Go for "teh funnay", stay for the indignant "I-am-woman-hear-me-wheedle" commentary.

Posted by scott at 08:05 AM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2007
Nerd Fight!!!

It's most likely for the best light sabers aren't real, otherwise this would most likely be a common outcome. Then again, alcohol and weapons routinely mix during Ren Fairs, and I can't recall ever hearing anyone getting hurt. Maybe because by the time you're wasted enough to go after the other guy, you're too wasted to find the ax?

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
~ After the Goths of Summer Have Gone ~

In other news, Australia has goths:

Summer officially begins in Melbourne around the time of the first sighting of a Goth in Elizabeth Street in short sleeves. It's not unlike the American custom of using a groundhog to indicate fine weather ahead but it's more unpredictable and so much more exciting. Our version of a hibernating rodent emerging from its burrow can happen in December, possibly February, or maybe March.
If they're anything like the standard variety Aussie, you do not want to get in a drinking contest with one. Professional bar crawlers, them.
Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2007
Reenacting Recruitment

Mark gets a no-prize with a really nifty uniform for bringing us the latest news about recruit candidates for the Army. Poor WWII reenactors get no love. And they even have their own machine guns!

Posted by scott at 08:00 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2007
My Kind of Gun Control

Mark gets a no-prize with nail polish and gun oil for bringing us the most logical way all horror movies should end. At least that's the way they should end in the US. Other countries, maybe not so much.

I think that they don't is one of the reasons I've never been fond of the genre. It irritates me to no end when the good guys must be stupid for the bad guys to win.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2007
A Carol, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a no-prize that'll annoy him standing on his front porch for bringing us this... innovative... Christmas carol. SFW, no worries there. It's actually quite difficult to "screw up" that intricately on purpose. And in tune, no less.

Posted by scott at 03:16 PM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2007
A Pill, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a no-prize that just doesn't understand!!! for bringing us Monthly Man, the time-release capsule that allows men to share that extra-special emotional roller coaster women make such a big damned deal over. Now if they'd just make a pill that'd give women that "drink beer, fix cars, watch porn" feeling we all have...

Posted by scott at 09:41 AM eMail this entry!
December 10, 2007
No Wonder Ellen Didn't Want us Using the Subway

On second thought, it's probably for the best we missed this:

The N train may need to be changed to the NC-17 and the L could be dubbed the lap dance express.

That's because commuters on the lines got their two bucks worth - and then some - when four leggy New Yorkers set out to turn the subway cars into strip-club Champagne lounges.

When we were downtown this past weekend, the trains we rode were too crowded for these sorts of shenanigans. Which would've made it much more interest--

No, no, please don't get up. Put the frying pan down Ellen. Concussions make baby Jesus cry--*CLONG!!!*

#@$@@$#

NO CARRIER

Posted by scott at 03:39 PM eMail this entry!
Extreme Zzzz...

While I'm pretty sure at least some of these examples of "extreme sleeping" are staged, others look like typical shots of the homeless, or a kid experiencing a nap attack at full throttle. When I was in college, I was capable of sleeping just about anywhere. Unfortunately (or not, depending on your point of view), I seem to have lost that skill.

The guy has good taste in cars as well.

Posted by scott at 10:26 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2007
Alsø Wik

Let the Python jokes begin:

A Norwegian news site is reporting that a young boy and his sister were attacked by a moose ... the boy reportedly "taunted' the moose away from his sister, and then feigned death, causing the moose to lose aggro and leave. "Just like you learn in level 30 in World of Warcraft," the boy is reportedly quoted as saying.

See, ma? Games are good for something!

Posted by scott at 12:43 PM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2007
Dude, That's What the "Pause" Button is For

As with all things, some guys ignore everything when they're playing a video game. Emphasis on some. I may play around the wife or child when they walk in front of the TV, but if ol' fido decided to make me his personal love slave I'd dump the game in a second. Then again, I've always been able to find the PAUSE button. I'd probably be divorced by now if I couldn't.

Posted by scott at 01:58 PM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2007
Fun with Microphones
Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2007
When "BK" Wasn't Just Short for "Burger King"

My God... it's full of pastels... Pretty sad to think 1990 is now nearly 18 years ago, eh?

Posted by scott at 02:15 PM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2007
Holy Slow Rider!

Because we all know that, if He could, Jesus would've ridden a chopper. I especially like how He ignores the helmet laws. Sort of.

Posted by scott at 08:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2007
What Will They Think of Next?

Personally, I think making the players strap on binoculars would make soccer a whole lot more interesting. But I'm weird that way.

And what's up with the guy wearing the giant bunny hat, anyway?

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
November 27, 2007
A Player Intro, for the Rest of Us

Who says arena football is boring?

Unfortunately I have a feeling they can get away with South Park's Eric Cartman doing the player intros because not all that many people are watching. I'd fear for Southpark's staff if something like this came across an NFL game. Some of those fans out there don't have much of a sense of humor.

Not that I know anyone like that. /rolls eyes/

Posted by scott at 01:18 PM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2007
Life I Am

Who says cosmic history can't be funny? Well, it's funny to me anyway. And yes, I do read Olivia a Dr. Seuss book every night. Why do you ask?

Posted by scott at 01:17 PM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2007
Tipping Point

And only in Germany would a tiny little town nobody's heard of have a six hundred year-old tower that leans more than Pisa's. At least, for now. In order to make sure it doesn't mow down houses near by, a stabilization effort will reduce the lean to just slightly less than Pisa's tower.

With picture!

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2007
On the Street Where You Live

As this collection of odd streets shows, practicality and tradition often trump elegance and functionality. That, and "it's our street well name it what we damned well please."

Around this area, the only really amusing street in my opinion is "Temporary Road." It's actually a major surface street, four lanes and a turn lane in the middle!

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2007
Bad DVD! No Biscuit!

Thankfully, I don't recall seeing a single one of these "bad DVD cover" films. And it's not so much the cover as it is the poster art. I think.

Something tells me the peanut gallery may not be quite as lucky as I in keeping away from such turkeys.

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2007
Gone in 60 Seconds

Joshua gets a no-prize shaped like a crowbar for bringing us Half Life, in 60 seconds. Those of you who wondered what the hell HL was all about but didn't have the time to actually play it... well, you're probably not going to be any clearer about it, but you may get a chuckle or two along the way.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely My Kind of Gift

Ron gets a no-prize in a box for bringing us this amusing ditty. Great. Now I'm going to have that damned thing in my head all day.

As it were.

Posted by scott at 08:19 AM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2007
Is that a Demon in Your Pants...

... or are you just glad to see me:

The fabled symbol of magical protection from occult forces, John Dee's Elder Sign is boldly emblazoned where it can really make a difference. Keep things out; keep things in - it's up to you. But you're sure to make an impression when your panties carry 16th century occult symbols, and hey, it's a wonderful conversation starter.

Mark gets a no-prize that'll make all the nerdy chicks giggle for bringing us this gift idea for the literary goth in your life.

Posted by scott at 12:36 PM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2007
Toys in the Attic

Mark gets a no-prize that'll make him real popular at Christmastime for bringing us this list of extremely strange toys available just in time for the holidays. They may not all be Japanese, but they seem to be mostly Asian. Longtime readers of this site will be completely unsurprised.

Posted by scott at 01:44 PM eMail this entry!
~ Rico... Suave... ~

Unlike the previous "Oh my god WTF?!?" entry on Hunts tomato products, this look at a JC Penny's catalog from 1977 is far too real. I was too young to wear any of this stuff, but there's at least one person out in the peanut gallery who may in fact have been inflicted with the dreaded leisure suit. He reveals himself... at... his... peril!!!

Hee!

Posted by scott at 11:10 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2007
If Your Idea of a Good Time is to Take the SWAT Truck to Hooters...

... you might be a redneck:

A Fox 5 exclusive: our investigative team has obtained disturbing pictures involving a local police lieutenant who is already in hot water. What you're about to see raises serious questions about the character and reputation of an elite and highly trained part of the police department.

With much amusing video goodness. And from New York, no less. Now, who else do I know who's from New York...

All kidding aside, the whole thing strikes me as a bit of media tar-and-feathering, disapproving of off-duty behavior instead of how the guy does his job. But hell what do I know?

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2007
That's-a Spicey Meat-a-ball!

Mike T. gets a no-prize my wife will beat him to death with if he ever actually tries to make any of these "Italian" recipes (scroll down to the bottom of the article.)

My grandma had cookbooks with illustrations like that. What the heck was going on, anyway? Some quirk of 50s offset printers creating day-glo illustrations? Or was everyone just colorblind back then?

Posted by scott at 01:11 PM eMail this entry!
Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!

Salon has this writeup of what they term a must-see documentary:

Darkon is a LARP (live-action role-playing game) where normal people dress up in homemade armor and pretend to be inhabitants of a fantasy realm. They fight battles in parks and on soccer fields over pretend land in a pretend country that has its own pretend religions and pretend economy. It's meatspace Dungeons & Dragons, with people brandishing swords wrapped in foam and slamming each other around with padded shields. Founded in 1985, Darkon is one of America's oldest and largest LARPs, and the showdown between two kingdoms within it, Mordom and Laconia, was captured in the documentary Darkon, a movie so mighty it needed two directors (Andrew Neel and Luke Meyer). The film has its television premiere on the IFC Channel tonight at 9 p.m., where it joins the ranks of movies like Hoop Dreams and Murderball as one of the great documentary dissections of how Americans play.

It's said there are three kinds of good documentaries: extraordinary people doing ordinary things, ordinary people doing extraordinary things, and one-time events. This seems to fall solidly into category 2, so it most likely will be quite fun to watch. Unfortunately we don't get the IFC channel, so I'll have to put it on a keyword search on the ol' Tivo and hope it makes the rounds to a channel we do get.

Because, as far as I'm concerned, there ain't nothin' more entertainin' than nerds gettin' their game on.

Posted by scott at 11:01 AM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2007
Paging... Well, You Know Who You Are, White Courtesy Phone Please

Members of the peanut gallery who giggle at "101 Jokes in a Box" stuff will most likely need to be hospitalized after reading these groaners. "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Via VAS

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2007
I Kill You!!!

Mark gets a no-prize with a faulty timer for bringing us this clip of Achmed the Terrorist. I gotta keep closer track of Comedy Central's standup specials.

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2007
Little Monsters

Try it again, maybe he won't do it twice. I think helping an infant learn to bite is more than a little irresponsible, but that's just me. No, not the kid holding the baby, the one holding the camera.

Posted by scott at 12:50 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2007
Indeed

Place 'Pot-o'-Gold' reference here.

What? You wouldn't like me as much if I weren't such a pig!

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2007
~ How Much is that Doggie on the Video ~

Remember folks, always disarm the animal before tinkering with it. Puppies are not toys!

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
What's He Thinking?

Mark gets a no-prize shaped like a scratched record for bringing us this insider's look at a man's thought process. Of course, I never think like that. My story, sticking to it. Yup!

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2007
If You Need Access to a Saint, Press "5"

Mark gets a silly little no-prize for bringing us this SNL-like sketch regarding a... most innovative... use of technology in the Church. I'm not Catholic, but I still smiled a bit.

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2007
Conquering France, One Fart at a Time

While it appears lots of people knew Hitler was literally a giant, stinking gasbag, I didn't. And, as is right and proper, if I don't know it then nobody else does either, so there you go.

Posted by scott at 02:18 PM eMail this entry!
What's the Fun in That?

No rumpy-pumpy in our planey-waney:

The A380 may have the world’s first airborne double bed, but it won’t be put to the obvious use if Singapore Airlines has its way: “If couples used our double beds to engage in inappropriate activity, we would politely ask them to desist,” said the company’s Stephen Forshaw. “There are things that are acceptable on an aircraft and things that aren’t, and the rules for behaviour in our double beds are the same ones that apply throughout the aircraft.”

Singapore is justifiably famous for its uptight leadership. It's also quite well known as a clean, safe city. It would seem, from the small amount of information in the article, the policy is mostly a "don't-ask, don't-tell, don't-shake-the-door-off" sort of thing.

Since we have no current plans to visit the place and wouldn't be able to afford a cabin like that if we did, we'll certainly not be reporting on it any time soon.

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2007
Well, Who did Start the Damned Thing Then?

Fortunately, I only recognized about half the things on the list. Unfortunately, they were mostly the bad half.

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2007
Gotcha!

There's just nothing better than getting someone with one of those internet "screamer" surprises. Although I do think it wasn't very nice to scare the little kid. They don't get that scary surprises are harmless at that age.

I think it was Mark who sent one to Ellen a year or two ago. She was downstairs on my computer (I forget why) and picked it up. Because the sound was so quiet, she kept turning up the volume on my 130 watt per channel speaker system. When the scream hit, I thought a bomb went off in the basement. Ellen wasn't quite right the rest of the night.

Posted by scott at 10:10 AM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2007
A Tale Only a Techno-Nerd Would Love

Slashdot (of course) linked up this tale of the Driver's License Printer Thief. In summary: it seems one Timothy Scott Short stole a computer and the driver's license creator attached to it from a Missouri DMV. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the computer to work. Which didn't mean the printer was bad, just that he needed another computer to use the printer. Which meant he needed to get at the bits of software that would allow this different computer to use said printer.

With me so far? Good. Understandably, the printer manufacturer doesn't make these bits of software available to the general public. Otherwise some idiot with a crowbar and a truck might steal a printer and then try to hook it up to a regular PC and start stamping drivers licenses out like they were pancakes at an IHOP. So to get them, you had to call the manufacturer, which only legitimate customers of this printer (you know, like state DMVs) would do.

See where this is going now? Only a specific sort of idiot would call tech support trying to pry the bits of software out of the vendor. Which, it appears, Mr. Short was. And so, in short order, Mr. Short was introduced to Mr. Secret Service Man. Jailarity, as they say, ensued.

Hello? Hello? Oh, wake up, willya? It was funny to me!

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2007
Welcome to Their World

It's nice to know I'm not the only sysadmin in the world who has to deal with loopy users. Longtime readers will know I have support stories just as funny. Those who aren't, search for "Welcome to My World", and wonder.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
Break it Up!

Chickens: 1, Pissed off bunnies: 0. I especially like how they keep an eye on the little rascals until they chase them off.

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2007
Boom!!!

Now that my group seems to have enough consoles (and eventually, enough controllers) to have a Halo 3 day, I wonder if we'll see anything like this?

I have a hard enough time with those monkeys jumping out at me from every angle. Now I gotta worry about the scenery. Sheesh.

Posted by scott at 02:31 PM eMail this entry!
Don't Mess with Granny

Funny only because nobody got hurt: Cable Company: 0, Hammer-swingin' granny: 1

Fear not, fellow Americans! In these dark days of war, pestilence and Paris Hilton, a new hero has arisen. She is none other than 75-year-old Mona "The Hammer" Shaw, who took the aforementioned implement to her local Comcast office in Manassas to settle a score, and boy, did she!

Mark gets a no-prize that'll do a whole lot more than throw rocks at kids on his lawn for bringing us this bit of gray vigilante justice.

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2007
Tiny Speed

As if women needed yet another way of expressing displeasure with men:

An Australian ad campaign aiming to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of speeding drivers has proved a great success, a survey suggests.

The TV ads show women shaking their little finger - a gesture used to symbolise a small penis - as speeding male motorists race past.

Puts that whole, "car as extension of person" thing in a whole different light, eh?

Posted by scott at 02:33 PM eMail this entry!
My Roomate is a Dick

Ever wanted to tell your roommate off in a nice public fashion? Here ya go!

Posted by Ellen at 12:02 PM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2007
There's a Dancer?

Robert R. gets a distracting no-prize for bringing us this... unusual... test of "right brain vs. left brain". It's essentially SFW, but the men in the audience may have a hard time looking away, no matter which way the damned thing is turning.

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
October 12, 2007
Ah-Ha! Caught You!

I knew there had to be more to that X-wing failure than "just" a structural problem. If that doesn't prove the current administration is in contact with the forces of darkness, I don't know what will.

Posted by scott at 03:28 PM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2007
The Lizard of Doom!!!

Looks like a four-foot pet store escapee is terrorizing a Florida town. Little surprise the people most upset are all south of 80. Of course, were I in their shoes, I probably would be a little put off by a hissing iguana.

Oh who am I kidding. By the time I'm 80, Ellen will most likely have 3 of them.

Posted by scott at 01:17 PM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2007
I Think He's Gonna Need That

I've always known that race cars can have too much power and too little traction. It never occurred to me the opposite might also be true.

Posted by scott at 02:32 PM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2007
Do You Know... Karate?!?

It's reality TV Jim, but not as we know it. Since when did 1982 become 25 years ago?!? I didn't vote for that!!!

Posted by scott at 12:29 PM eMail this entry!
Well Duh!!!

"Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds? This is a Satanic ploy for our children."

Trust me, all Olivia's in it for is the candy. And another opportunity to dress up like a princess. Or a cowgirl. Or a space ranger.

Why yes, she has been watching Toy Story a lot lately. Why do you ask?

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2007
Speaking of Bullet Teims...

Mark gets a no-prize that dances out in a corset for no damned reason any of us can figure out for reminding us just how so-awful-it's-good early 80s videos could get.

Olivia's going to have a field day goofing on me about this stuff. Some day. But until then...

Posted by scott at 06:11 PM eMail this entry!
Something Tells Me that Might've Voided the Warranty

Personally, I'm not as impressed at some fifteen 20-somethings maxing out this super-ride as I am at the engineers who designed the thing to take it. Far as I'm concerned, that can't have been something they had in mind when they built the thing.

It takes a bit to get rolling (ha-ha!) but let it, it's worth it. In a vomit-comet sort of way.

Posted by scott at 05:56 PM eMail this entry!
October 01, 2007
Stop the Presses!!!

Silly joke time:

Ellen, the area you grew up in is so small even the biggest town there thinks this is news:

Middletown — A little boy suffered a bump on the side of his head after a person in a passing car fired an apple at him, witnesses said.

Humor-impaired answer from any number of people who are regulars here and live in the region in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 09:56 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2007
Chicks: 1, Loons: 0

You! In the name of Allah! Dress decently! Only the daughter of a whore would dres--AAGGGG!!!!

I've read enough about the religious police in Saudi Arabia to come to the conclusion they're the least popular feature of that society. And that, my friends, is really saying something!

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2007
Giddyap!
Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2007
Fat, Poor, and Weird is no Way to Go Through Life, Son

For the very definition of "slow news day," we have this in-depth piece about an unemployed pajama nerd who wants Long Island to become its own country.

Notwithstanding the unreasonable lunacy characteristic of all proposals by the congenitally obstinate, it's my understanding it will require one or more constitutional amendments before secession is even possible in the United States. And we all know how easy those are to get.

Posted by scott at 08:01 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2007
What a Woman

Go for the story of some drunk Hispanic guy getting trapped in a chimney. Stay for the aftermath video. Whoever taught that reporter to keep a stone face when something like this happens definitely knew their stuff.

Posted by scott at 01:49 PM eMail this entry!
And That's Why They Have Roll Cages

There's a reason sane (well, old anyway) racers never use unmodified road cars. Or trucks, as in this case. I knew the guy was going to be fine well before he hit the ground. As long as nothing breaks or catches fire, a well-designed 5-point harness and roll cage are usually all you'll ever need.

Mark gets a tumbledown no-prize for bringing us this abject lesson in motorsports safety.

Posted by scott at 08:02 AM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2007
If You Like Pina Coladas...

and getting caught.

Oh yes... it is a very true story.

Posted by Ellen at 08:56 PM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2007
Oh Dear God...
Posted by Ellen at 04:34 PM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2007
Wax Off

A candid look on the bikini wax.

Totally safe for work!

Posted by Ellen at 08:25 PM eMail this entry!
Oh, Canada!

I'm not completely sure just how accurate this "American's guide to Canada" really is, but it was a run read nonetheless. I do know that poutine is the national snack food, which explains a lot about why Canadians can be so weird sometimes.

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
Oh... My... God...

Slashdot linked up one helluva period piece which attempts to "jazz up" DOS 5.0. Be warned, folks: it comes... from the 90s!!! I can only hope the company who produced it got everything they deserved. And I do mean that.

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2007
Politics, Italian Style

And happy f- you day to you too:

An Italian comedian's campaign using a rude word to tell off politicians has won the support of more than 300,000 Italians who signed petitions to sweep away a generation of lawmakers they say are corrupt and ineffective.
...
An estimated 40,000 people attended Grillo's rally in Bologna on Saturday and many more went to hundreds of similar "Vaffanculo-day" protests around the country. The word is the Italian equivalent of the "f"-word in English.

Being married to Ellen, I learned what "Vaffanculo" meant long ago. The best part is watching various old Italian movies with subtitles. In a moment of high drama, they'll drop the, well, "V-word" and the subtitles will skip right over it. But I know what she said!

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2007
Moar Brainz!!!

Even though I know various pie-throwers on the left side of the gallery will crow about it, I still thought this "press conference mash-up" was still amusing. In a, "I'm going to ignore any political satire and just laugh at the concept of a White House news conference on Zombies" sort of way. So if there is any, I didn't spot it.

Well duh. We've run a weblog for nearly 6 years now. If that doesn't say, "easily amused," I don't know what does.

Posted by scott at 03:07 PM eMail this entry!
Nerz R Us

It'd be interesting to see what Ellen scored, but I'm not sure she'd sit long enough to make it to the end. Which sorta speaks for itself, I suppose.

Via Drumwaster

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2007
Watch This!

Rednecks and water... the ultimate combination. That's gonna leave a mark!

Posted by scott at 08:04 AM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2007
Hair Nation

So how many hair metal bands can you identify? Sadly, I did remember most of them.

I distinctly remember one day in high school wondering just what would be funny-looking about my generation's style. Probably after a '50s day or something (do they even still have those?) At any rate, I don't wonder that anymore.

Posted by scott at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
Busted!

MS Live Search + Boomer in dry dock = possible security breach.

Actually, I'm not sure just how useful this image would be to, say, China or India. All you get here is (an admittedly interesting) view of the gross features of the prop. It seems to have several different colors of metal, which means it's made of who knows what sort of exotic combo of materials. It's also possible there are a whole lot of surface details that help silence it, and in cases like this the devil is most definitely in the details.

IMO, there's probably no end of Oriental fire-drilling in various Navy departments at the moment, but it probably doesn't represent an important breach. In other words, they most definitely wouldn't have shown us this if we'd asked, but it's really no big damned deal.

Posted by scott at 10:58 AM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2007
Nerds with Birds!!

It is even named Anakin!

Pew-Pew-Pew!

Posted by Ellen at 09:07 PM eMail this entry!
They're Baaack

Long-time readers will remember our various run-ins with Mr's Manchester & co*. Long gone from here (and, nothing personal, booted over the horizon should they return), they are far from inactive. According to later entries, Mr. Lucard eventually got his LJ account back, I think Manchester got excommunicated, and apparently Manchester is still badgering him to this very day.

The weirdest part for us is the owner of this weblog now lives with a friend of Joshua's, which means there's a very good chance I'll get to meet a fellow victim of the Right Rv'd Sean Manchester, Superior General for Ordo Sancti Graal, Founder of the Sacerdotal Society of the Precious Blood, Primate/Bishop (with dignity of Archbishop) for Ecclesia Apostolica Jesu Christi (an autocephalous Old Catholic jurisdiction).

It's a damned small world, I tell ya!

Joshua gets a no-prize that rants entertainingly about ancient obsessions for bringing this whole weird coincidence to our attention.

-----
* If not, a perusal of a few archive articles should catch you up . He eventually caused us to change host providers, and harassed the new provider to the point they put a /dev/null filter on his e-mail address.

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
It Was Pretty Much My Reaction Too

I don't remember the first time I saw the infamous "Goatse" image, but I wish I could forget the thing. I bet these people do too. If you don't know what it is, well, trust me, you just don't. The slide show includes one very abstract representation of it, and really that's as close as you ever want to get. Other than that one cartoonish drawing, that's only vaguely recognizable, the site is SFW.

Posted by scott at 10:45 AM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2007
Oh. My. God.

Christian rock cover of Sir Mixalot's Baby Got Back, anyone? It's so good it makes my teeth ache.

Sad thing is there's more than one member of the peanut gallery who, in past times, would've really dug this.

I got a feeling we might've linked it before, but could find no evidence. If it's a repeat, it's most likely an old one.

Posted by scott at 03:18 PM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2007
Oh dear....

When good parrots go bad.

Head phones on please if you are at work!

Posted by Ellen at 10:02 PM eMail this entry!
At Least She Didn't Stumble Over "Osama" this Time

Everyone's favorite tongue-tied beauty queen is being given a chance to redeem herself. Welcome to the white-hot torch of fame sweetheart, let's hope it passes you quickly.

Posted by scott at 11:31 AM eMail this entry!
Tell Me Quando Quando Quando

Mark gets a no-prize that's not quite clean enough for bringing us this low-key car commercial. It's always the little details that trip you up in the end.

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2007
Crash & Burn in Heels

Just keep tossing buzzwords out, Miss South Carolina. I'm sure one of them will stick. It's so interesting to see politicians in their larval form!

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2007
Does Size Matter?

Yes, yes...safe for work.

Does it really matter?

Posted by Ellen at 05:36 PM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2007
The Goat Is NOT Helping!

GET A ROOM YOU TWO!

Totally safe for work!

Posted by Ellen at 09:49 PM eMail this entry!
Fugly Is...

While I definitely agree with these selections of "worlds ugliest male rock stars", what I think is even more striking is what the wives look like. Paulina Porizkova, anyone?

I guess opposites really do attract. Or money. Most likely the latter.

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2007
That's What I Think of it Too

Fat, pissed off, and naked is no way to get yourself on TV, son. I love the righteous indignation of the reporter's narrative. The nerve! Sad thing is, he'll probably end up arrested for indecent exposure.

Posted by scott at 01:02 PM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2007
A Law Office, for the Rest of Us

Michael Vick, we have found your lawyer. Mark gets a no-prize that'll slap him into next week for bringing us this advertisement for a very particular kind of legal help.

Posted by scott at 08:11 AM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2007
Wait... What?

I'm sure the rest of you heard of Les Ballets Grandiva, the all-male ballet review troupe, long ago. So why didn't you tell us? Think of the no-prize you would've gotten! According to reviews, they're actually quite good, although it appears they're touring Australia at the moment.

I think we've found a western counterpart to Ellen's belly dancing men. Except these guys are, you know, good and stuff.

Posted by scott at 01:27 PM eMail this entry!
Dude, Just Let Him Scratch

Mark gets an itchy no-prize for bringing us this amusing DUI stop video. Something tells me this one ended up on hundreds of highlight reels around the country.

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
August 20, 2007
Showering With Pionus Parrots

Ok, at least he is not gaming in this video.

I laughed because I would be this dorky with the cats if they would just hop in the shower.

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
August 19, 2007
Taking that Whole, "Body is a Temple" Thing Way Too Far

I dunno, if gospel music and some prayer is what it takes to get people off their butts and exercising, well, why not? Being unintentionally amusing and vaguely effeminate made Richard Simmons a millionaire. Why not this guy?

Posted by scott at 03:54 PM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2007
Oh Dear

Those of you who think I'm fashion impaired are pleased to be sitting down and shutting up.

Well, I guess I am still impaired, just not to the same level. Hey, just because a guy wears white socks with blue slacks... oh, nevermind.

Posted by scott at 01:09 PM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2007
~ Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs ~

For a bit of international whimsy we have restroom door signs from around the world. The local Outback has some similar cleverness, and I never will forget the look of embarrassed puzzlement I saw on the face of an Asian lady who was trying to figure out which was the lady's. I helped her by choosing the "Gent's."

Posted by scott at 11:26 AM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2007
I Shall Call Them, Boobkies

Mark gets a buxom no-prize for bringing us the absolute latest innovation from those oh-so-clever Japanese:

Ladies, are you self-conscious about your breasts? Do you think they need to be bigger to get you attention from guys, or at least from guys like Charlie White? Well, you could have expensive and gross breast implant surgery, or you could just grab some F Cup cookies from Japan. These sure-to-be-effective cookies apparently make your breasts bigger when you eat just two a day, while most cookies will just make your ass bigger.

If it really were as simple as that, A-cups would cease to exist.

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2007
That's Just Tacky

Mark gets a tasteless but amusing no-prize for bringing us the latest in "Official" Hillary Clinton campaign memorabilia. If you can't make fun of politicians, who's left?

Posted by scott at 08:17 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2007
Beer, Beef, and P&ssy

Everyone's favorite (now ex-) Japanese school teacher is at it again, this time describing what a Japanese work barbecue is like. I'm too old for that kind of crap, but enjoy reading stories from people who aren't.

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2007
Seagull no Swiping!

Ya know, after the third or fourth bag got nicked, you'd think they'd close the door. Shoplifting seagulls. What will they think of next?

Posted by scott at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2007
Jackass Lives

I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but laugh at these kinds of stunts. As long as they don't happen to me, of course. I tended to avoid people capable of this sort of thing in college, but I sure don't mind watching the videos they make.

Posted by scott at 12:35 PM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2007
Like Ellen's Cellphone Doesn't Already Scare the Crap Outta Me Often Enough

Who needs to download ringtones when you can download a freaking ghost detector! Something tells me the next big hippie-fest "paranormal convention" could end up devolving into a bunch of waif-y mother earth-types waving their cellphones at the walls for three days. Good times, good times.

Via ASFD.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2007
AMCGLTD Simpsonized!

ellen.png

scottsimpson

oliviasimpson2.JPG

Posted by Ellen at 09:33 PM eMail this entry!
Nerd Fight!

Just in time for the Christmas season: realistic, sophisticated light saber replicas that are robust enough to be used in duels. Yours for only $500-$700. Whatabargain! Site includes a teeth-achingly nerdy video demonstration of the product.

I'd take it a lot more seriously if they didn't make a really loud, plastic-y thump noise every time they hit each other, although I can't for the life of me think how it can be prevented.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2007
There's Fan Freaks, Then There's OSU Alumni

Ron gets an outrageously irrational no-prize for bringing us "the ultimate room." I guess if you have that much money to burn, why not drop some of it on an artist? While interesting, I think all the visual "noise" would eventually give me a headache.

Which just shows I'm not a TruFantm. But you already knew that.

Posted by scott at 12:32 PM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2007
Drinking and Dancing Alone

Hey Amber! You can do this tonight!

Takes a bit to get started but it is too funny!

Posted by Ellen at 06:57 PM eMail this entry!
Girlfriend Guide

How many relationships could be saved by viewing this simple video? The transition from dating to marriage alters several variables in this equation, but these seven steps are still worthwhile.

Posted by scott at 02:53 PM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2007
I CAN HAS STDIO?

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later: Lolcats has become LOLCODE:

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "HAI WORLD!"
KTHXBYE

There's even an early alpha .net compiler for the dratted thing! Meh, I guess if they can make COBOL.net, anything is possible.

Via ASFD.

Posted by scott at 03:30 PM eMail this entry!
July 25, 2007
It's Teh Funny!

Mark gets a giggly no-prize for bringing us this fun little "Jet Blue" joke.

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2007
Only Because Mom Says She Can't Use the Computer Anymore

"I worry that if my [mom] is alone in the house and she falls, does she make a sound?"

I'm a bad, bad son. But you all knew that a long, long time ago. You remind me every time you talk to me.

Calm down. If you're confused, I'm not talking to you.

I also liked:

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

and:

Marriage is built on paranoia and mistrust. I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she wakes up out of dead sleep to say, 'Where are you going?' Why, to have sex with the midget I store in the medicine closet.

Posted by scott at 07:10 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2007
It Makes Me Feel Very Funny Indeed

Today on Pip and Pog, the lads learn about something they found in daddy's study. Yet another reason to keep it all on your computer, encrypted under your password.

Or, so I've been told.

Posted by scott at 01:29 PM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2007
~ If That Ain't Love Then I Don't Know What Love Is ~

For proof that 20-something yobs are the same the world over one need only peruse this video dedicated to opening everyone's favorite chilled adult beverage. Nothing hanging on the walls: check. Carpet of indeterminate age and questionable cleanliness: check. Cheap furniture and expensive video games: check. Ah, memories of college abound. Hell one of 'em even has a hot girlfriend who can open a beer bottle with a CD. No, really!

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
Why Didn't We Think of This?

Mark gets half a no-prize poured into a cup with ice for bringing us How to Fix the Airlines. Yeah, it's goofy, but what's wrong with that?

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2007
Muh-hah-hah-hah
Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
I R Gud Speler

Looks like some LolCats got hold of a NASA sign. These things are seen by, what, half a dozen people before they go up? Government workers are the best!

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2007
Foil Hats at the Gas Pump

We don't hold prices high and keep them there because that's just what they'd be expecting us to do! I guess if you think all businesses are run by gangsters, you'd expect this sort of thing. Unfortunately people in a position to "do something" about it have recently regained some of their power. One can only hope the Democrats short circuit themselves slightly ahead of schedule...

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
As if Millions of Gadget Geeks Cried Out in Terror, Then Were Suddenly Silent

Joshua gets a no-prize with iSmoketm coming out of it for bringing us Will it blend, iPhone edition. Yup, iPhone.

The terrible blackness at the end is proof enough for me that Steve Jobs really is in league with the Devil. A demon in your pocket!

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2007
I Think They Used Too Much

Hopefully this was just a training exercise. But with state troopers (of any sort), who knows?

Posted by scott at 02:49 PM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2007
I'm Sure it Worked During Rehearsal

Remember a few weeks back, that show the opera-singing salesman won? Others didn't do quite as well.

Quack quack!

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
July 03, 2007
Doh!!!

Said it before, say it again, people turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else. Fumbling your gun into the cashier's hands definitely qualifies. Hell, the cashier should try for a position with the Redskins. He's got better hands than most of the defensive line!

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2007
Veggie Fun

Sure it's silly, but this site wouldn't exist if not for silliness, so why not?

Via ASFD.

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
Cuttin' it Down to 305

Something tells me if the Spartan army had looked more like this, Ellen wouldn't have liked the movie as much. Of course, were most Hollywood starlets the female equivalent of these guys, there'd be a lot more movies I'd get to go see. Funny how life is, eh?

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2007
You're Doing it Wrong

Basketball: 1, monstrous catfish:0 At least the damned thing didn't die.

Posted by scott at 11:19 AM eMail this entry!
Sim Fun

Mark gets a no-prize with a complicated family tree for bringing us this "video realization" of an old-but-still-silly country novelty song, I'm My Own Grandpa. I had no idea they'd managed to get the character animation so, well, animated, in the latest version of The Sims.

Posted by scott at 10:17 AM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2007
I Drank What?!?

From Coolpis to cartoned breast milk to fake beer for kids, this top ten list of Japanese soft drinks has it all. I especially liked the kimchee flavored yogurt drink. Well, like is probably too strong a word here.

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2007
Dog Math

1 determined male dachsund + 1 easygoing female rottweiler = ??? Something similar to this happened to one of my next door neighbors in college, only with him it was a full sized mutt female and a smallish purebred Jack Russell terrier.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2007
Definitely a Bad Day to be the Pool Boy

Is that a cow in your pool, or are you just happy to see me? They only needed a floating drink to make the set complete.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2007
Nerves of Steel, Antlers of Horn, Brains of Bird

Missed him by that much. It's bad enough not to take home a trophy; it's worse still when the thing you do bring home shows what a poor shot you were that day. Still, it beats the hell out of a typical fish story, no?

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
Now That's Just Tacky
Posted by scott at 11:43 AM eMail this entry!
I Wanna New Drug

Mark gets a no-prize that soothes with few side effects for bringing us this informative infomercial about Oxyclinton, the drug of choice for those suffering from H.A.S., Hillary Ambivalence Syndrome.

Now if they'd only come out with something for Obamaroids...

Posted by scott at 08:58 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2007
~ Too Much Time on His Hands ~

Today's lack of posting was brought to you by a little old lady who will (hopefully) finally be getting the help she needs. And if I ever see the inside of another emergency room...

At any rate, Ron gets a no-prize that's just too damned silly not to laugh at for bringing us a new example of a proto-lolcat:

babygotback.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:23 PM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2007
Personal Injury's Never Been So Much Fun Before

While rushing headlong down a steep hill chasing a wheel of cheese isn't something I'd want to do myself, it sure is fun to watch. Olivia looks like this when she runs on level ground. Come to think of it, so does Ellen.

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
Mime Madness

While not as good as the "Matrix ping-pong" skit, this "why is my girlfriend mad?" is still fun. Those crazy Japanese!

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2007
Fishin' Fun

Jeff gets a no-prize on a hook for bringing us this set of Bill Dance fishing show bloopers. You'd think after the second one they'd start wrapping those cameras in plastic or something. Highly recommended.

Posted by scott at 04:01 PM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2007
Coin Fun

Ron gets a no-prize he can bug Mark with for bringing us news of the first legal tender car-coin with working headlights. $19.95! Whatabargain!

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
Weer in Ur Horror Moovy...

...schlockin' up the joint.

Oh be quiet. You want to post smarter stuff, go get yer own site!

Posted by scott at 10:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2007
Busted!

Talk about getting caught with your pants down:

Israel today arrested a longtime wanted terror leader here in the West Bank city of Ramallah.

According to Israeli security officials and Palestinian sources in Ramallah speaking to WND, the terrorist was arrested while having car sex just a few hundred feet from late PLO leader Yasser Arafat's gravesite.

May it be the last piece of tail he receives for a very, very long time.

Posted by scott at 08:17 AM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2007
Suppertime!

While I'm impressed at the discipline of 100 dogs being fed, at a signal, at once, I'm at a loss as to why it's done that way. Looks like some sort of country manor, so maybe they've just always done it that way?

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
Showering Differences

Mark gets a no-prize that'll admire itself in the mirror for bringing us "his and hers" How-to shower guides. In our house, the undressing roles are reversed (you can always track where Ellen's been by the trail of her discarded clothes), but otherwise it's pretty close.

Posted by scott at 12:21 PM eMail this entry!
May 23, 2007
Hey, Watch This!

Stoned, drunk, and concussed is no way to go through life, son. People just don't understand bottles are a) thick, b) strong, and c) heavy. That's why they're good weapons in a bar fight! I thought everyone knew they used fake bottles in movies. I guess there's always a few who weren't in class that day.

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2007
An Analasys, for the Rest of Us

The geezer sounds so much like my dad it's kinda scary. I can't help but completely agree with the sentiments expressed.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
May 18, 2007
On Glass Houses and Thrown Stones

AP to Conservatives: Your leading candidates' campaigns are stuffed chock full o' white guys. The Democratic campaign staffs look more like America.

Conservatives to AP: STFU noobz.

But of course there is no liberal bias. Nothing to see here folks, move along, move along.

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2007
[You] Have Joined the Game

Joshua gets a leet no-prize for bringing us a new take on an old funny. Maybe this time people who don't play these sorts of games will be able to follow?

Posted by scott at 03:42 PM eMail this entry!
Speaking in Tongues

Even though it's a skit, and even though you could see it coming a mile away, I still couldn't stop laughing at this. I wonder what TV show it's from?

Posted by scott at 01:55 PM eMail this entry!
May 16, 2007
May 15, 2007
Oh, the Things They'll Do

Mark gets a no-prize that he's just better off not knowing where it's been for bringing us this amusing tale of the unintended consequences of teaching your child where you keep your chapstick. To-date, we haven't had any incidents quite like this, although we do have very impressive stains in our dining room carpet when Ellen learned the hard way why Olivia is not allowed to play with real makeup unsupervised. Our new soopa-vac seems to be slowly removing these, but not in time to avoid some clucking from a Gramma.

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2007
Truthers Hurt

With apologies to Glenn, Heh.

Posted by scott at 04:12 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2007
Paging Joshua Hoover, White Courtesy Phone Please

Looks like atheists all over the world now have a new career path. While somewhat tacky, offering to be the postman of the apocalypse is still worthy of a chuckle or two. At least to me, anyway. But hey, I'm a Buddhist. I don't even play in the same yard the Christians use.

Posted by scott at 12:00 PM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2007
Like This, Like That

Everyone knows Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago, but it never hurts to drive the point home. Two nearly identical movies in the same year? Heck, sometimes it seems like they come out within days of each other.

Via ASFD.

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2007
A Music Video, for the Rest of Us

Well, for the rest of us code monkeys anyway. The thing looked weird to me. Groups of programmers? Don't believe it, not a word.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
Spycoin Update

Making the rounds: the Canadian "spy coin" was actually the result of a quirky Canadian mint and some hyper-paranoid defense contractors. Well, I mean come on... who the heck puts stickers on their coins on purpose anyway?

Informative CoinGeektm answer from Mark in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 01:00 PM eMail this entry!
May 04, 2007
Mark Your Calendars

Robot Chicken comes back this June, starting with a Star Wars parody that looks damned funny. Their movie spoofs are my favorite part of the show. To this day I hum, "My Little Pony / Apocalypse Pony" whenever Olivia manages to figure out where I hid that dratted video of hers.

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2007
I Want to Believe

As devout Rosie O'Donnel fans and well-known skeptics of all "official" explanations of the obvious 9-11 cover up, we too had noticed strange and troubling similarities to that disaster and the recent (and supposedly) fire-induced collapse of the 580/980/880/80 overpass in Oakland. Everyone knows a liquid fuel-fed fire cannot collapse a steel structure! That bridge wasn't even carrying a load!

Turns out we're not the only one who have suspicions, and now others are prepared to blow the lid off this thing. As this BoingBoing summary shows, 429truth asks all the uncomfortable questions, and finds the answers lacking. How could an overpass built to withstand earthquakes succumb so easily? What did governor Schwarzenegger know, and when? Who stood to gain the most from snarling Bay area traffic for years to come? Where were all the Jews on that fateful night? The government may be too powerful for us to find the real answers, but we must try!

Via Instapundit, whom we hope has a foil hat at the ready. We do!

Posted by scott at 12:12 PM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2007
Bouncy Fox

I'll let animal expert Ellen make the call on whether or not this fox was sick or simply being a goob. In my (extremely expert, of course) opinion, it doesn't seem all that sick.

Hey, at least they're not flinging it across the lawn!

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
Filmation Fun

While I'd more or less outgrown Saturday cartoons by the time these Filmation series were new, I'm certain others of you will remember them all in detail. I will admit, however, to yelling "I have the power!!!" a few times at the playground eons ago.

Posted by scott at 10:29 AM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2007
WHY!? WHY!?

noelliot.gif

Posted by scott at 07:00 PM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2007
The Dog Says, "Baa"

I'd always read that the Japanese are an insular people, but I had no idea it was anything like this:

The scam was uncovered when Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.

She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep.

Buying something you were told was a poodle and then finding out it's actually just a mutt with fuzzy hair is one thing. Finding out it's not even the same species is another. Surely this must be some sort of joke?

If not...

28532.jpg
Posted by scott at 11:54 AM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2007
Insert Mr. Ed Joke here

I dunno, I think maybe they should arrest him for banking under the influence or something. Article includes priceless pic.

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2007
When News Breaks, We Fix it

To me, this is what TV news looks like all the time (takes a little while to start, but the payoff is worth it). Which is why I read the Post instead. Because we all know how much better print journalists are than...

Oh hell, nevermind.

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2007
Too Silly not to Post

rs004x.JPG
Posted by scott at 05:15 PM eMail this entry!
Sedative Silliness

I agree with Siflay, we're all going to look like this, some day. Meh, there are worse things. I think.

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
April 20, 2007
This is News How?

Headline says: Baby Boomers Appear to Be Less Healthy Than Parents. What the article actually says is that boomers are saying they feel less healthy than their parents. Which is to say, they're still the whiney self-involved narcissists they've always been, only now with Geritol and Depends.

Meh, who am I to criticize? I think their shrieking fear of death has a real chance at sweeping us all to immortality. Including them.

Oh... wait...

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2007
Pac Man Fever!

Ron gets a no-prize that'll bitch slap him silly if he don't stop lookin' at it for bringing us the misadventures of Pac man. Abuse! Assault! Use!

Posted by scott at 03:42 PM eMail this entry!
Step 22: Insert Shell; Step 23: Pull Trigger

Even the Wehrmacht could have a sense of humor when it needed to. The motivation behind such things reminds me of an old story attributed to Creighton Abrams: "Give a soldier an anvil, just a hunk of metal, and drive him out into the desert and leave him. In two weeks - when you go to get him, the anvil will be broken."

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2007
And the Mud Goes, "Sling Sling Sling"

I dunno, there definitely seem to be a few advantages to being on the outside looking in. A lining, yes, but it does seem to glitter a particularly nice silver, no?

Via Instapundit.

Posted by Ellen at 09:30 AM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2007
BEER IS GOOD! ... AND STUFF!

Beats the hell outta that goofy 'Cat, I'm a kitty-cat' song.

Ron gets a boozy no-prize for bringing us some of thrash's finest.

Posted by scott at 12:52 PM eMail this entry!
I'll Be Damned. They are Useful for Something

You only need the Hamster Dance song to make it complete. ~Dee-da-dee-da-diddly-doh-doh~

Hamster powered paper shredders. Whodathunkit?

Posted by scott at 09:31 AM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2007
Fun With Colanders!

Hee!!! See-ya!!!

Far as we can tell, no squirrels were kilt making the video. Scared and bruised, well, can't say about that. WTF you want? They're rats with fuzzy tails!

Via Siflay

Posted by Ellen at 10:15 PM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2007
I Want to Believe II

"AMCG," we hear you ask, "They're everywhere, and they're out to get me. But gosh darned it, there just don't seem to be any clothing outlets catering to my needs. Even Rosie can't help! What can I do?"

Fear not, friendly paranoid wack-job, AMCG is here to help! Presenting Conspiracy Clothes, your one-stop-shop for the five real conspiracies we know you love! From 9-11's "Thermate" to Pyramidical precession, it's all there for your wearable enjoyment. Act now! The plot you uncover could be your own!

Posted by scott at 11:39 AM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2007
"PEEP"Show

In honor of Easter's most beloved candy.

Posted by Ellen at 06:07 PM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2007
Like We Need an Excuse

Another day, another "weer in ur" thread on fark...

weer1.jpg

weer2.jpg

weer3.jpg

weer4.jpg

weer5.jpg

weer6.jpg

weer2.jpg

Posted by Ellen at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2007
Err...Yeah...Well... I Guess It's Watermelon Season

It is NOT on video yet dammit!

I would win the OSCAR of movie nights! And I will...oh yes...I will.

Posted by Ellen at 08:53 PM eMail this entry!
Hang On!

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. I respect motorcycle racing. The same way I respect rabid dogs. For some of the same reasons!

Posted by scott at 01:02 PM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2007
Ouch is Right

Like I've always said, the only real difference between them is the shape of their tie-tacks. So, left side of the peanut gallery, just how does it feel to dine on ashes?

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 01:50 PM eMail this entry!
Cats Vs. Tortoises

A very shelled NO-PRIZE to Amber for sending us this video!

Posted by Ellen at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2007
It's Like This and Like That

Mark gets a no-prize that will make him pay if he says it's hormonal for bringing us news of a PMS drug, for The Rest of Us.

The reason I'm convinced homosexuality is not a choice is because if it was, the human race would've gone extinct hundreds of thousands of years ago. Only the biological imperative is enough to make us put up with each other.

Posted by scott at 05:08 PM eMail this entry!
How Scott Sees OM in Several Years

Hopefully you all will believe me now when I say OM can chug across a room!

"GET OFF MY LAWN!"

Posted by Ellen at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2007
Dude. Wait... What? IV

The best part is, this stuff is actually funnier than SNL. Well, at least the SNL I used to watch. Far as I can tell it's all SFW, if not for comprehension.

Japanese sketch comedy at it's, well... it's definitely something. Benni-u Hillsan!

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
Well, Duh!

I mean, of course peanut butter disproves evolution. Didn't everyone already know that? What, are you all morons or something?!?

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
That may Take Awhile

Check out step 20. Google's got an interesting sense of humor, eh?

Posted by scott at 09:19 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2007
Go Team!

It's nice to know Olivia's not the only one with parents creating future difficulties for them. At least Bigwig's (so far) only put up one such picture. We haven't even finished posting up The Spaghetti Incident II.

Posted by scott at 03:22 PM eMail this entry!
Busted

Sometimes investigative reports discover things work. Of course, we would never have heard about a reporter failing to breach hospital security if she'd not been arrested. That's just not good news.

Posted by scott at 09:08 AM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2007
Dancing Torn

Mike J. gets a no prize with a knit cap on for bringing us this hilarious interpretive dance on the pop song Torn. Special props go to Natalie Imbruglia, both for her excellent live performance and for being such a good sport about the whole thing.

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2007
398

Jeff gets a sad, broken no-prize for bringing us news of yet another Ferrari Enzo's demise. There are so many people who're going to get a proctological exam by this production's insurance company it's making me a little dizzy.

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2007
Welcome to my (Children's) Nightmare

Ellen, if you do nothing else tonight, view entry #4.

I've been trying to get across to her how completely freakazoid kid's shows were in the 70s for years now. All she does is look at me, cock her head sideways, and say, "Pica?!?*" Now, for once, she will finally understand...

No kidding, man. They used to have "preview" shows on the networks each (Fall? Summer?) season that'd showcase the latest kid shows premiering that Saturday. I remember losing sleep waiting for Captain Kool and the Kongs to premiere Saturday morning. I also remember being completely flabbergasted that dad would come watch Electro Woman and Dyna Girl with us (just like he did with the contemporary Wonder Woman). Now, well, I pretty much understand. Both of them.

And you people wonder why I'm so weird.

----
* Ellen's bankshot reference, translated, roughly, to "I've spent all day with this quite-obviously-well-but-kept-home-to-keep-daycare-from-being-quarantined child." I'm getting ready to sacrifice a cat to the Wonderpets. Or you. Now, what was it you were asking me again?

Posted by scott at 08:10 PM eMail this entry!
A Bible Story, for the Rest of Us

If bible school was more like this, I probably would've gone a few more times. Something tells me the older parishoners wouldn't appreciate it as much.

Language is a bit "blue," and contains a few goofy but non-explicit drawings of nekkedness. If that'll get you in trouble, consider it NSFW.

Posted by scott at 02:38 PM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2007
People and Pet Look A Likes

bulldogfamily.jpg

One more...

poodlelookalike.jpg

I may have a few more from this weekend. To be posted soon!

Posted by Ellen at 06:07 PM eMail this entry!
MMMmmm....

Not to miss!

A very...err...sloppy NO-PRIZE to Ron!

Posted by Ellen at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2007
YaRly

retardtj0pe82.jpg
Posted by Ellen at 08:07 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2007
You've Got Droids

Is there nothing safe from George Lucas's promotion machine? Co-opting a cereal box is one thing, but turning government property into an advertisement is something else entirely.

Ah well. It is Star Wars after all. If a couple hundred mail boxes get slapped with R2D2 stickers, no biggie.

Now if they start trying to turn fire hydrants into mini Jar-Jars, well, we'll have to have a conversation about that.

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2007
Feline Disrespect from Behind!

It does a body good! I've seen some real Japanese advertising on various specials. This isn't too far off the mark.

SFW!

Posted by scott at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2007
But I'm Le-Tired!

Mark gets an old-but-good no-prize for reminding us the end of the world can be damned amusing. At least now all our friends will understand what the hell we're talking about when we sigh the line in the title.

Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2007
Adoption, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a no-prize that'll use a pen in a creative way for bringing us a public service announcement all men will pay attention to. Women, maybe not so much.

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2007
From Cradle to Grave

Olivia already pitches fits when her princess dresses are in the wash. I can't imagine what she'd be like if a real wedding dress were available. From previous experience, it won't much matter. Women go bananas preparing for a wedding, no matter what the dress is like. Seems to be a valued part of the experience, far as I can tell.

Posted by scott at 03:31 PM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2007
Nice Work, if You Can Get it

Mark gets a no-prize that'll fit in his pocket for bringing us a reminder of why The Man Show was completely under-rated when it was running. And why Jimmy Kimmel had one of the best jobs in the world.

Vegas Rules!

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2007
March 07, 2007
Ha, I say, Ha-Ha!

Not only do I not expect the people on the left side of the peanut gallery to roll over this easily, I also expect a lot of, "yes, but!!!"-s to be thrown about. Don't worry, the deficit's going down regardless.

Posted by scott at 03:11 PM eMail this entry!
The Fruit Cake Lady

No-Prize! to my Mom for sending us this!

Posted by Ellen at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2007
Around Here it was, "Ta, Ta, Tamatoes!"

Weather prevented us from seeing Saturday's Lunar eclipse, but Bigwig & co. got to see it, with much unintended amusement. Olivia quite regularly garbles words, although her "Oliviaish" is becoming much clearer over time. Well, to us at least. The biggest problem we have right now is she uses pronouns, auxiliary verbs, and modifiers pretty much interchangeably, sometimes in the same sentence. Plus she's still got to figure out that just because she's thinking it doesn't mean she's speaking it. "He is my favorite daddy but she took my binki, daddy gimme back that binki!" and "Daddy! Lighting blow a tire!*" while walking down the stairs are recent examples.

----
* A reference to the movie Cars, for those unfortunate enough not to have seen it 8 times in the past 7 days.

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2007
Silly Monkey

Somehow I think if these were grownup tigers the outcome wouldn't be as amusing. A lot shorter and bloodier perhaps, but not amusing. At least for the monkey at any rate.

And I'm pretty sure that's a gibbon, which (if I recall correctly) is technically an ape. Our cousins sure do have a sense of adventure!

Posted by scott at 01:18 PM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2007
Oh, Those Wacky Japanese II

This time it's a very Japanese take on the classic candid camera format. What with the prevalence of tasers, pepper spray, and even guns in our society (not to mention our freewheeling personal injury liability circus), I somehow don't see this one working as well over here. But it is fun to watch.

Posted by scott at 12:27 PM eMail this entry!
I Bet the Overdraft Fine'll be a Bitch

Nina gets a no-prize that's wobbled off its meds for bringing us the story of the $50,000 check from God. Consumers do the darnedest things!

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2007
Bad Words, Bad Attitude

Personally, the revelation that left-wing bloggers swear a lot more than right-wing bloggers wasn't all that much of a surprise. Simplistic, "neener-neener I know you are but what am I?" ripostes seem to me a leitmotif of the extreme left. I see them all the time, and vote Republican accordingly. What is far more difficult to measure with a simple plot is that extreme right wingers may not swear as much, but the things they do say nicely tend to be scarier.

Essentially, it seems you have to be a little extreme to run a political blog, and just to the right of Darth Vader (or to the left of Big Brother) to comment on one.

And then there's always fate.

Via Instapundit and, well, Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2007
~ It's Dildo! It's Dildo! ~

You cannot miss this one!

Posted by Ellen at 08:15 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2007
A Beer Guide, for the Rest of Us

I always knew Australians treat drinking the way, say, Russians treat chess (albeit with less staring and more belching), but I had no idea it could be this elaborate. It even varies from state to state!

Via Siflay, who will be receiving a no-bill for unlicensed use of our no-prizes. Because you do know the whole thing is original to us, right? Right?

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2007
Well, at Least Arkansas's not in the Top 10

Mark gets a weirdly toothy no-prize for bringing us a statistical ranking of states by the number of natural teeth lost by their residents. Brought to you by the, "I-had-to-give-the-intern-something-to-do" department of statistics.

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
Paging T. Acky and T. Asteless, White Courtesy Phone Please

f982d65a-jailbait_jpg.jpg

Not funny! Not funny! Bad blogger! No Biscuit!

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2007
Little Mr. Mabe, Happy at Last

Pesonally, I don't have the energy to try something like this. Having changed over to cell-only phones, we don't have much problems with telemarketers. At least for now, anyway.

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
Oh My

Lane G. gets a no-prize with a great sense of humor for bringing us George Takei's PSA on recent homophobic comments made by Tim Hardaway. I used to think Mr. Takei was a genuinely strange guy, but his appearances on the Stern show have revealed him to be a genuinely strange guy who is an amazing good sport and genuinely Gets It. As it were. Anyway, I've gone from thinking he's weird to thinking he's cool with a twisted sense of humor. Which is a good thing.

Hot. Wet. Bitches!

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2007
That's Right, Molest Some Stone
Posted by Ellen at 09:20 PM eMail this entry!
~ Flop Goes the Missle ~

Jeff gets a no-prize that takes forever to get to the payoff for bringing us this example of France's finest weapons. As noted, it takes forever for this one to get to the point, but when it does, it's worth it.

Posted by scott at 03:21 PM eMail this entry!
Hopefully it Won't Play Bellydance Music...

... otherwise not only will Ellen want one of these, she'll program it with stuff almost nobody else will recognize. Except her dance crew, who will most likely jump up and down enthusiastically in costume, creating a noise that compares favorably to chickens being dropped into a sack full of coins.

I don't even want to know what the rest of you would do with it.

Via I Speak of Dreams.

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2007
I WANT TO BELIEVE

adoption.jpg

Shamelessly ganked from a Fark comment.

So many sacred cows to slaughter, so little time...

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2007
Checking Your iFuture

For those of you with an iPod and way too much time on your hands, we have the iPod Tarot Deck. It'll make you much more interesting at parties!

Posted by scott at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2007
Ah... Being a Bride's Maid...

Now Amber was not as bad as this. We took the scissors away.

Posted by Ellen at 09:38 AM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2007
Smooth Operator

It's nice to know white people weren't the only ones with goofy hair styles back in the 70s. I didn't think they were goofy back then because that's what all my friends (well, the ones who's hair would do this anyway, and they weren't all black) wore. It was quite shocking when the style shifted to shaved or very nearly so in the early 80s. The early adopters of that particular trend definitely suffered for it.

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
It's a Play, Jim, but not as We Know It

Mike J. gets a deliriously nerdy no-prize for bringing us this improv production of "Spocks Brain", which appears to be a nearly shot-for-shot recreation of one of the goofier original Star Trek episodes. They appear to have had sound problems with the first section, so just hang on until the scene change to hear the dialog clearly. The best part for me was watching the guy playing Kirk trying not to crack up during the sick bay scene.

Posted by scott at 08:44 AM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2007
An Index Card, for the Rest of Us

Right now I'm feeling a bit DE, but am also in the mood for an AD. Of course, according to Ellen I'm always in the mood for an AD. To which I can only reply, "I'm a guy, duh."

Hey, even God needs a crib note or two, no?

Via ASFD.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2007
Star Trekalot

Fark linked up one of the more amusing "mash-ups" I've seen lately. It's been so long since I watched the original Star Trek series I've actually forgotten a lot of these scenes. Hey, at one point I could recite the dialog from most of them!

Thanks for the sign! What does... D-R-E-N... mean?

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2007
Nice to Know it Doesn't Just Happen to Humans

Actually, this isn't like Olivia, it's like Ellen. Sounds like a firecracker that didn't quite go off right. Everyone all together now, Awwwwwww...

Posted by scott at 02:43 PM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2007
What's in the Pot?

Sure, it's been done before, but I laugh every time anyway. Plus you get to see that college students the world over live in ratty dorms eating Lord knows what.

Posted by scott at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2007
Fun with CGI

Two words: Skiing Ostrich. The best part is the comments seem to indicate people think this thing is real.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2007
Pass the Hat

Joshua gets a deliriously loony no-prize for bringing us evidence that the foil hats are now being passed from left to right. It takes a little while to get rolling, but by page 3 both sides are baying at each other enthusiastically.

I'm beginning to think it's not that things are getting more extreme. In America people have been shooting each other over politics for as long as there's been a country. I think instead perhaps that it's just easier for these loons to find an outlet. And it's not just the internet, but also the well-documented tendency of MSM outlets to compulsively seek "the other side" of any issue, even when "the other side" means finding someone who thinks, for example, the moon landings were a hoax.

Personally, I blame Ari Fleischer.

Posted by scott at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2007
Saving Private Who?

Mark gets a twisted-yet-funny no-prize for bringing us this Saving Private Ryan and Finding Nemo mashup. Note: Contains several of the really violent scenes from Ryan, so YMMV.

Posted by scott at 02:05 PM eMail this entry!
Sum it Up

Lane G. gets a no-prize made of thread for bringing us this insightful look into string theory. My own reaction, when reading about it all, is more along the lines of an explosion. Or 'asplosion, as the case may be.

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
Thriller of a Wedding

Joshua gets a corny white no-prize for bringing us what has to be one of the more elaborate wedding dance numbers I've ever seen. Why Ron and Amber didn't try this at their wedding I'll never know.

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2007
Old Viral Spice

Mark gets a fragrant no-prize for bringing us a suspiciously clever commercial starring everyone's favorite zombie killer Bruce Campbell. We've had a Tivo for so long we literally don't see commercials any more, so I'm not sure if this is being, was, or will be broadcast. I'm not sure the networks even air 60 second commercials anymore.

Posted by scott at 08:53 AM eMail this entry!
Dude... Wait, What? III

Tatterdemalian gets a frenetic triple no-prize for bringing us not only yet another fine example of Japanese surrealism, but also the story behind it as well as our own nearly four-year-old reference to it.

Dear Lord the Japanese can be weird sometimes.

Posted by scott at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2007
Bend it Like Who?

If the ball isn't oblong and brown, it just ain't football to us. Kudos to Tussauds for also showing what Posh Spice would look like if she'd only eat a sammich or two.

Posted by scott at 01:56 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2007
Well, that's not Very Nice

Mark gets a silly little no-prize for bringing us the story of what Justin's dad does for a living. Joke is a little goofy but SFW.

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
Olive Drab Laughs

While this collection of military and aviation humor is mostly from the "old but good" school, I still got a smile from it. It's a little... interesting, I guess, how much of this stuff also applies to civilian life.

Via Drumwaster.

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2007
Arkansas Chimps Are Smart After all!

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped yesterday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.

As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.

HEE!
Posted by Ellen at 06:28 PM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2007
Why Ellen and I Never Play Against Each Other

Actually, now that I think about it, all the couples we know tend to have a certain "competitiveness" problem. I'm not sure if that says something about us, or them. Probably both, especially when all the female halves start denying they're competitive.

Posted by scott at 03:27 PM eMail this entry!
Star Wars Nerd, My A--

Just because a guy likes a little sci-fi doesn't mean he's a skinny geek. Part of me takes a great deal of pleasure in a little get-back by a few fen. Another part of me is cringing at something that looks like the start of a COPS episode.

Something tells me though that particular band of goth wannabes will be keeping their mouths shut next time they walk past a movie line.

Contains lots of NSFW language, but otherwise as previously noted nothing you wouldn't see on Fox, Saturday at 8 pm (EST).

Posted by scott at 02:06 PM eMail this entry!
Weer In Ur Houze

Exposin' Ur Klingonz!

Actually, I'm surprised it's taken this long for a politician to reference Star Trek on the floor of the house. Now that I think about it, I kinda doubt it's the first time...

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2007
January 16, 2007
We're from the Government, and We're Here to Help

While 90% of this bit of YouTube fluff is a silly chase scene, for me it's worth it just for the first twenty seconds. Living in this area means we actually know people who work for the IRS, and the image of one of them whipping out a .44 magnum just gives me severe giggles. I need to get out more.

I should, however, point out that our IRS-ers have better haircuts.

Posted by scott at 03:35 PM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2007
Here's Your Sign

You know you have stupid clients when:

*Ring Ring*

"*Insert hospital name here*, This is Ellen, how can I help you?"

"Hi! Are you guys open today?"

Here's your sign.

Posted by Ellen at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2007
"Warming Up" to Strangers

While the first part of this BigWig entry may be a little dense, the second part, wherein he describes the usefulness of calling global warming "The Rapture for secular humanists" in separating wheat from chaff, is damned amusing. And true. Every time someone pitches a hissy about global warming I nod and say, "wow, yeah, that sounds pretty bad. How long is it going to take to happen?" For years the answer (decades if not centuries) had me nodding my head and casting about for a tighter fitting foil hat.

Of course, nowadays we have all sorts of new and improved forecasts of, well, rapturous destruction which could take place in a far more news-cycle-friendly few years or even days. Which would be worrying, if their initial science hadn't been so horribly bad.

Which is not to say I don't completely disagree with all of the global warming Chicken Littles' agenda. Far from it. "Green" power sources help stop carbon getting in the atmosphere, a plus for them, while also denying Islamic wackamoles and friendly communist Stalinist Maoist socialist Latin neighbors the money they need to make trouble, a big plus for me.

Of course, since we all know what the ultimate agenda of most hard-line greens really is, you won't see me showing up at any of their rallies any time soon. Call it an arms-length friendship. "The enemy of my enemy," that sort of thing.

I wonder if that marks me down for a high-quality beer?

Posted by scott at 12:53 PM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2007
Jumpin' and Jivin'

Mark gets a silly little no-prize for bringing us a new twist on a classic sort of mime performance. I've seen things like this since I was a little kid, but they still make me smile every time I see one. Especially one as well done as this.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2007
Holy Office Space

Welcome to the offices of God, Inc. The porcupottamous designer instantly reminded me of a certain someone...

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
Dances with Rods and Reels

Jeff gets a fine howdy-do no-prize for bringing us this collection of Bill Dance's fishing show bloopers. Some I'd seen before, some I hadn't, but they were all funny. The one with the snake is priceless.

Posted by scott at 08:44 AM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2007
Just Keep Watching The Middle Guy...
Posted by Ellen at 08:47 AM eMail this entry!
Daddy! Come Look At These Kittens!

skunkbabies Medium Web view.jpg

A very smelly NO-PRIZE! to Rich for sending us this!

Posted by Ellen at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2007
Oh There They Go Again

Our vampire hunting loons are still alive and well, amusing disciplining yet another cheeky site which really could care less about their feud.

Those of you too new to remember our own encounter with loopy British vampire hunters (no, really!) should start out with The Vampire Hunters and Me, move on to The Chronicles Continue, then peruse Our Favorite Bishop, and for the (definitive, wait for it) final word, As Long as You Spell the Name Right.

I say definitive because we have long since washed our hands of the entire affair, and anyone directly associated with the two warring parties who comment here will have said comments summarily deleted.

Now if you'll pardon me, Olivia apparently locked herself and Ellen out of the Cruiser standing outside a rather amusing, but quite favorite, retail establishment, and the old tired spider must now go rescue them.

My mom making a "why do you have to keep bringing this up?!?" comment in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 06:11 PM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2007
It's Got that Great Ranty Freshness

Fark linked up the latest from everyone's favorite manic squirrel Foamy, and it's a real winner. If you don't already know, Foamy's a little... earthy... in his language, so use headphones if you're at work.

Posted by scott at 09:16 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2007
Coin Toss

Mama always told me not to set a reserve price. Local coin geek Mark always insisted there were people far nuttier than he was. We just kept giving him more beer until he got quiet again.

And by the looks of this Wikipedia entry, the coins are very well-known and documented. Still, there are a whole lot of other things I can think of to spend $5 million on. I mean, there's all those pre-war Alfas out there, an obvious choice for essentially everyone else!

Hey, thanks for the beer, man. And quit trying to make me go sit next to Mark.

Posted by scott at 01:34 PM eMail this entry!
Dude... Wait, What? II

Joshua gets a no-prize that's a crack spider's bitch for bringing us this extremely scientific experiment on the effects of drugs and alcohol on spiders. You think you've seen this, but you haven't.

Posted by scott at 10:13 AM eMail this entry!
January 02, 2007
I Want to Believe

Nina gets a no-prize being followed by black helicopters for bringing us news of a UFO sighting over Chicago's O'Hare airport. The FAA says it's all just weather. Others, of course, disagree. The quote at the end of the story is priceless.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
It's all About Reach

Note to self: when attempting to scare people, make sure they're out of range. There's a reason you have to follow a designated path at a carnival haunted house, and it's not for your protection.

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2006
Blotter Blottos

Fark linked up this Chicagoland police blotter summary which proves (again) my main axiom about criminals, to wit:

That's topped by the "my-kids-made-me-do-it" explanation a 25-year-old man offered after he was caught with cocaine in September. He told police he had gone back to using drugs because he was extremely upset after his 6-year-old was teased at school. He is officially banned from wearing "No. 1 Dad" hat.

People turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

Posted by scott at 04:09 PM eMail this entry!
December 25, 2006
A Console, for the Rest of Us

Jeff gets a cheap and easy no-prize for bringing us the real difference between PS-3 and the Wii. I know which one I want to buy, even though I'm pretty sure my wife won't agree. Chicks can be so unreasonable sometimes.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2006
Fun with Chord Progressions

Daffodil lane linked up this example of just how flexible 4/4 time and a basic chord progression really is. Some of the pop tie-ins are damned amazing.

Oh, and as a trombonist way back when, the cross we had to bear wasn't Pachabel, it was Pomp and Circumstance. Every damned graduation, "da da da da, de de de de, do do do do, hm hm hm hm" for an hour and a half solid. Scarred me for life, it did.

Posted by scott at 04:43 PM eMail this entry!
Brings a Whole New Meaning to "Field Circus"

Lord knows I certainly have prayed over various computer bits before. Albeit without quite as much fervor or enthusiasm. Of course, I've also cursed them a great deal, and there was that one time with the chicken.

And they're all so enthusiastic about it.

Posted by scott at 08:39 AM eMail this entry!
December 19, 2006
Fun with Blenders

Definitely not your average blender. Judging by the other entries, this guy's been around awhile, but I'd never seen him before. And really, I'm the only one that matters, eh?

Lord knows how much one of these things must cost. Quality don't come cheap, folks.

Yup, just looked. $400. But dude, it blends anything! Ah, well. Fun to watch, if nothing else.

Posted by scott at 02:36 PM eMail this entry!
December 18, 2006
A Diary, for the Rest of Us

Hell hath no fury like an 11 year-old scorned. Come for the preteen angst, stay for the warm-and-fuzzy 80s feel-good solution.

I was 13 in 1981, but I can definitely identify with the sentiments here.

Posted by scott at 09:03 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2006
Fun with Tanks

Funny only because nobody got hurt: Bicycles aren't the only vehicles which need to pay attention to road signs. That's what ya calls a real close shave there, yup.

Posted by scott at 04:11 PM eMail this entry!
Third Base!

A December tradition around here, Abbot and Costello at the computer store. Sometimes it's a lot like that. Well, most of the time, really.

Posted by scott at 12:44 PM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2006
We Hold These [Coding] Truths to be Self Evident

Sad thing is, there are a whole bunch of people out there who won't understand this list. I mean, witness the legions of folks who still have no trouble with someone hooking an Apple laptop to an alien computer system and transmitting a virus into it.

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
On Men, Chicks, and "Teh Funny"

Well, this definitely explains how I ended up with a woman:

... Why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women? Well, for one thing, they had damn well better be. The chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex, and Mother Nature (as we laughingly call her) is not so kind to men. In fact, she equips many fellows with very little armament for the struggle. An average man has just one, outside chance: he had better be able to make the lady laugh. Making them laugh has been one of the crucial preoccupations of my life. If you can stimulate her to laughter—I am talking about that real, out-loud, head-back, mouth-open-to-expose-the-full-horseshoe-of-lovely-teeth, involuntary, full, and deep-throated mirth; the kind that is accompanied by a shocked surprise and a slight (no, make that a loud) peal of delight—well, then, you have at least caused her to loosen up and to change her expression. I shall not elaborate further.

Women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way...

Read the whole thing, and then come back and accuse me of being a Neandertal. It's more complicated than you think. It usually is.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2006
Definitely More Interesting than "Eat at Joe's"

Mark gets a grumpy no-prize for bringing us these decidedly politically in-correct road signs found outside an eating establishment somewhere in Pennsylvania. I'm sure this place is a local legend, but I'd never heard of it. I don't agree with everything, but I do think, at least sometimes, whoever is writing the signs has a point.

Posted by scott at 12:43 PM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2006
When Matches Attack

I thought people only did the "light a match" trick in movies. Me, I just blame it on someone else. Usually Ron.

Posted by scott at 01:41 PM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2006
A Cannon, for the Rest of Us

Not content with flinging unsuspecting tubers and gourds across the horizon, the folks over at Spudgun have now moved on to soda bottles. There's quite a bit more mass in a soda bottle than in a potato, so hopefully these guys are being extra-careful. They look kinda redneck-y, but the accent sounds midwestern to me.

Posted by scott at 02:54 PM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2006
Worst. Accent. Ever.

Countercolumn linked up conclusive proof that Americans can make fun of anything, anywhere, including themselves and others. I'm figuring all those "IEDs" the "hunter" is playing with are fake and/or disarmed, but when it comes to US soldiers, anything's possible.

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
Rock Revenge

Fark linked up this fun little flash game in which you play an asteriod desperately trying to avenge your rocky fellows by smashing up all these annoying ships. Clever idea, amazing it took this long for someone to get around to it.

Posted by scott at 08:34 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2006
Turkish Candy

By the same guys.

Pay attention to the stuffed animal.

Posted by Ellen at 08:53 AM eMail this entry!
Turkish Barbie

Turkish Barbie Girl.

This is hysterical! Do not miss this one! Men are the SAME all over the world!

Thanks to Ron who sent me the original Aqua video. I went searching and found this gem!

Posted by Ellen at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2006
He's Baaack...

Everyone's favorite stranger-in-a-strange-land schoolteacher Azrael is back with all-knew GaijinSmash content, this time looking at the differences, and similarities, between Japanese McDonalds and American McDonalds. Despite being on the other side of the planet, they're more similar than you'd think.

Posted by scott at 03:53 PM eMail this entry!
When Video Games Attack

Turns out there's a surprising unintended consequence of the new Nintendo Wii's innovative controller. To wit, property damage. Since I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, I guess we'll have to put up some sort of bulletproof barrier between me and the TV if we ever get one of these.

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2006
Funny Inventions
Posted by Ellen at 09:02 PM eMail this entry!
Insert Pip-Pop-Pip Music Here

National Lampoon has their own take on Michael Richards's recent meltdown. I especially like the sentiment at the very end.

Howard Stern this morning interviewed Sam Simon to discuss his experiences actually working with Richards. His basic take jives well with what I've read in other places... Simon's impression is that, in his opinion, Richards is a complete maniac, easily capable of just flipping out in exactly this way.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
Fun with Turkey

Mark gets a no-prize he can pick up at Dollywood for bringing us a most interesting sort of turkey recipe. Too silly not to be SFW.

Posted by scott at 08:19 AM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2006
Playin' with Baby's Head

Bigwig over a Siflay had some fun twisting his 3-year-old's reality a bit. Being the father of a little girl instead of a little boy means I engage in much more mental judo-like things:

Olivia: "Daddy! This is my Barbie! You can't have it!"

Me: "Ok."

You can almost watch her expectations stumble past me and crash to the floor.

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
November 27, 2006
My Puss

This is NOT to be missed! Totally funny! I mean, who does not like Margaret Cho?

Posted by Ellen at 08:14 PM eMail this entry!
Yo Yo Yo, Rapper-San!

It's said that just about every form of popular entertainment ever performed anywhere in the world is still being performed, somewhere, in Japan. From ancient Chinese theater to Beatles cover bands, it's all there, with the predictable loopiness the Japanese bring to everything leavening the mixture. It now appears that, like more ancient forms, five hundred years from now the best place to see/hear hip-hop will be in Japan.

Posted by scott at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
A Bra, for the Rest of Us

Why Ellen hasn't already used these in her dance costumes I'll never know. Ron gets a well-lit and distracting no-prize for bringing us this most novel of Christmas gift ideas.

Posted by scott at 11:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2006
A Countdown, for the Rest of Us

Fark linked up this countdown of the "ultimate" video game weapons. I'm surprised how few of them I've played. Inane? Hey, it's video games we're talking about here. But it's also a good "look back" at just how clunky games once were.

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2006
Busted

Actually, I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often:

Police in this Austin [Texas] suburb were stumped for hours by the 49 emergency calls that kept coming in from an unregistered cell phone. The caller would say nothing before hanging up, sometimes after a brief giggle. Eventually, though, police found their man, er child: a 7-year-old calling from his elementary school classroom just for kicks.

Having the cops show up to your first grade class must do amazing things for your concentration. Not to mention your underpants.

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2006
Olivia's New Theme Song

Yeah, I know what he's actually talking about, but we say this so often to Olivia now it's the very first thing that springs to my mind. Go Hashmeeri!

Posted by scott at 11:32 AM eMail this entry!
I Shall Call it, Robopotty

Urinal go up, urinal go down. I'd be afraid the attendant would be in a joking mood and would start to bounce the thing up and down if I tried it.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2006
Fun with Gamers

Which gamer stereotype do you best fit? I've never taken the damned things all that seriously, but I definitely recognize several of them from the various messages boards I've read over the years. It always amazes me the amount of emotional commitment someone will invest in a $50 piece of software.

Posted by scott at 10:09 AM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2006
Fun with Data

My users are pretty bad, but none of them have leaked banana goo into their hard drives. Worst I can recall is when one of my more particularly clueless users dumped a cup of coffee into her laptop while flying to some hyper-critical meeting*. It was the first time I'd ever gotten a phone call from an airplane. Weirdly, the laptop survived, perhaps because of good design and the fact that I told her to turn it off and remove the battery until it dried out**.

They really don't make them like they used to, I tell ya.

----
* Which, around here anyway, is equivalent to "any meeting".

** Without electricity, a computer is just a lump of plastic and metal. As long as there's no current present, you could put it in a bucket of water and, assuming it was allowed to completely dry out, it would be fine the next time you turned it on†.

† Which is not to say you should do this with a laptop. There may be a tiny battery lurking in there for the clock, or the LCD screen may implode for its own reason. But if you know some electronics might get wet, it's better to take the batteries out‡.

‡ Footnotes!

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2006
Chicken... in... SPAAAACE

Looks like the denizens of Madison Avenue are finally building advertisements the same size as their egos. Thousands of years ago Indians built gigantic monuments in the southwest deserts to appeal to their gods. It would appear today so do we.

Posted by scott at 11:33 AM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2006
The Reason People Turn to a Life of Crime...

... is because they're too stupid to do anything else. While this excellent video set seems to cover two separate crimes, the ending seems to imply they were by the same person.

Seems to me it'd be a helluva lot simpler to work a few hours a week at McD's and then just buy the damned booze. Crack's a bitch, ain't it?

Mark gets a ridiculously incompetent no-prize for bringing us examples of "America's Finest Most-Wanted."

Posted by scott at 04:03 PM eMail this entry!
Heh...

A cheap shot? Us? Oh come on! We are just the most tasteful, even-handed, open-minded website on the planet!

Oh don't mind those gathering storm clouds. Happens all the time. I planted this lightning rod here for a reason, you see.

Via ASFD.

Posted by scott at 03:06 PM eMail this entry!
An Ending, for the Rest of Us

Remember folks, it's all about suspension of disbelief. I think this alternative, and the fact that (as I recall) Tolkien didn't address it has more to do with how common (and cheap) commercial air travel has become than it is about Tolkien not talking about something obvious. Keep in mind Tolkien grew up during a time when walking really was the most common way of getting to and from places, and air travel was simply unheard of.

Doesn't stop us from making fun though.

Via Yourish.

Posted by scott at 10:28 AM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2006
Doodz!

pelosid00dz.thumbnail.jpg

Stolen from a friend's LJ account. Gave me a giggle, especially now that she's starting to throw her weight around. Will it all be another exercise in classic "Democrats eating their children" style? We'll see...

Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2006
This is Great!!

Who's Line is it Anyway with Veena and Neena.

Very funny! Do not miss this!

Posted by Ellen at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
The Smiley Intervention

Number of cats you own.

Thanks to Mark for the link!

Posted by Ellen at 08:56 AM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2006
Certainly Those Last Three Made Me Think I was There

Star Wars: space opera, action films, tools of Satan. Well, duhhh.

Posted by scott at 07:57 AM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2006
Down They Go

I don't know why, I really don't, but naked mannequins on skateboards just make me laugh. I especially like the sound they make when they hit the pavement at-speed.

What? Oh come on. If I wasn't this weird you wouldn't come around as much.

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2006
When Foil Hats Attack

I wonder just how many of these stories will quietly disappear over the next few days:

Here’s how the 2006 mid-term election was stolen.

Note the past tense. And I’m not kidding.

And shoot me for saying this, but it won’t be stolen by jerking with the touch-screen machines (though they’ll do their nasty part). While progressives panic over the viral spread of suspect computer black boxes, the Karl Rove-bots have been tunneling into the vote vaults through entirely different means.

The real test will be how many right-wing sites start spouting this "stolen election" drivel. I'd like to think we're the party of rational, carefully-considered strategists who will take this as a message about the need to change, and act accordingly.

In cases like this, prevarication is always a positive.

Posted by scott at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
Well, that Takes Care of Ron's Christmas Present

Making the rounds: why dress up for a "telecommute" business meeting if you don't have to? Reminds me of all those times sports commentators have worn business suits from the waist up but Bermuda casual from the waist down.

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2006
Fun with Labels

Mike J. gets a no-prize shaped like one of those old label makers for letting me know that, far from being a crypto-Democrat, it would appear I'm actually a neolibertarian. Reading the article, seems pretty close. Not perfect mind you, but I can definitely see it from here.

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
November 06, 2006
Fun with Pills

Our friends over at Siflay had their very own South Park moment recently:

Curt didn't even make it across the room before crumpling to the floor. I think when I saw him drop may've been the first time I thought "Oh my God. We've killed Curt." It still be about ten minutes before that thought really took hold.

Click through, dear reader, to find out what exactly happens when friends on a fishing trip decide to start playing practical jokes on each other with massive doses of vitamin supplements.

No rednecks were hurt during the creation of this story. Like the article says, it's half Curt's fault anyway for poisoning himself ;).

Posted by scott at 02:27 PM eMail this entry!
A Hub for Anything

Hey, you gotta learn about them somewhere! An F-1 camel. Whodathunkit?

Posted by scott at 09:53 AM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2006
Nice Car!

Even in the depths of kitsch, good taste can be found. Give it about 60 seconds, you'll understand.

I can remember when my room-mate in college thought she Was all That. Nowadays she looks like Steve Irwin in drag. Oh, how times have changed.

Posted by scott at 07:31 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2006
Let's Hit that Horse One More Time, Make Sure It's Dead

Hee! Don't miss the comments for a typical "my we do all take ourselves so very seriously, don't we?" argument. To think all this time I thought those things only happened around here.

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2006
Ellen? Is that You?

I can tell the person writing this auction is a chick, because guys call these things "wives".

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the potatoes!

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 02:25 PM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2006
Unforced Error

The election is less than a week away, and, to paraphrase a fictional democratic strategist, the other side "can't put a forkful of waffles in our mouth without coughing up the ball."

Oh be quiet. I don't take it that seriously either. It just seems symptomatic of the Democratic party of the past twenty years that when they have the prize in sight, indeed even after they've caught it, they don't seem to know exactly what to do with it.

That brown thing? You know, the one you just caught? You're supposed to hang on to it. I mean, if you want to hand it to us, we'll sure take it. It's not the way I'd want to score a touchdown, but points is points.

Will it change anything? Oh, probably not. But there's nothing like a major player from the other side stepping on their crank in public to bring that last bit of fizz to the fun.

See You Next Tuesday.

Posted by scott at 03:15 PM eMail this entry!
Olivia will Have to Wait Awhile Until She Sees This One

It's a Jihad, Charlie Brown! Tasteless, crass, and violent. Also damned funny and appropriate. Well, sort of.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
'es Ceased to Be!

I'd always read that Monty Python member Graham Chapman's memorial service was very well done and, to be blunt, freaking hilarious. Now I have proof. Looks like it was re-packaged into some form of broadcast special, but this may simply have been for the people attending.

And when did 1989 become 16 years ago?!?

Posted by scott at 10:00 AM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2006
Not that There's Anything Wrong with That

The best part about televised sports is when the B team gets hold of the microphones. Actually, I'm not sure these guys are even B team. Reminds me of the regional sportscasts we used to get when I was a kid. The commentators were so awful we usually turned the sound down and listened to the radio announcers call the same game.

Update: Linkee now workee.

Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
Saying it Nicely

Countercolumn:

The bottom line: Liberals are avoiding us because of our positions, which are in and of themselves evil (to them), while we're avoiding engaging with them because of their behavior.

They object to our beliefs. We simply object to them being assholes.

Read the linked article for some really unintentionally funny examples of just how wacky people can get about politics.

No, I'm not talking about you.

Posted by scott at 01:49 PM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2006
Ooo... Scary...

While this slideshow of the "thirteen scariest things in IT" has a lot of inside humor, there's quite a bit anyone can appreciate. Someone else sent it to our own CFO, I wonder what they'll make of item 7?

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2006
Your Moment of Zen

"A four cylinder British sports car running on three cylinders has a distinctive sound...Rather like a Spad going down over Flanders."
-P. Egan

A four cylinder Italian sports car with the same liability makes much the same noise, albeit it makes it with much greater style and expense. I've had a Spider for so long I've actually developed the ability to massage its engine to life with just one firing cylinder and a judicious use of the accelerator pedal. Sounds like an old WWII bomber starting up.

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
Of Course You Know This Means War

From the Department of Disapproving Technocrats, we have this study which "discovers" that in the past forty years America's widening ass has resulted in greater fuel consumption. The fact that America's cars have become far more efficient over the same period of time literally does not enter the equation. Oh, and if I (or any of my friends) actually tried to lose 100 pounds to save that 18 gallons of gas? Well we wouldn't need a car after that because we'd all be dead.

Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
Fun with Spackle

Joshua gets a well-covered no-prize for bringing us this classic Man Show segment. Remember kids, say no to crack!

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2006
When Costumes Attack

An otherwise pedestrian article about a press-release declaring mobile phone use might cause reduced fertility in men is saved at the last minute by the most ridiculous costume seen to-date. The guy's eyes say to me, "I bet Tom Cruise didn't have to go through this."

True, but Tom Cruise is crazy.

No, Ron, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2006
but we DON'T WANT THE IRISH

Attitudes toward immigration, as with all things related to having a next-door neighbor you can't understand and who cooks weird smelling stuff, are relative:

A poll ... published by the news paper El Universal shows that 50% of interviewed Mexicans are in favor of redoubling the police security in the border with 51% of the Mexicans wanting immigration with Central American citizens to the country to diminish, according to a survey published Monday by the newspaper El Universal. In the USA, 39% think the same in regards to total immigration.

Soft-headed liberal wackamole blaming it all on the Bush administration in 3... 2... 1...

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2006
Protection, for the Rest of Us

Mark gets a well-protected no-prize for bringing us news of the "Nutty Buddy", the latest in men's athletic protection. Do not miss the video. SFW.

Posted by scott at 08:39 AM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2006
The Way it Should be, with Reason

Mark gets a right and proper no-prize for bringing us this extremely informative video that all women should view immediately. Do it before it's too late! The brain you save could be your own!

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
Practicing Phal-Fu can be Fun

Those Japanese, at it again, this time screwing with an apparently unsuspecting lady's workout. Almost literally. Switching to Enya for the last 30 seconds adds a particularly surreal cherry to the top of this Nipponese confection.

Vid is silly and only slightly naughty. I'd call it SFW, but that's just me.

Posted by scott at 07:59 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2006
Popcorn or Fried Chicken?

Joshua gets a goofy nerdy no-prize for bringing us even more spoofs of the "mac vs. PC" ad campaign. I thought the original was just about as smug as it could get, so any parody that takes a shot at them is fine by me.

Root rules!

Posted by scott at 10:01 AM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2006
May the Tats be with You

Some folks may think a Star Wars tattoo is a "nerd for life" decision. Me, I think at least some of them are pretty neat looking. Still don't want one, but I don't begrudge someone who does.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2006
Dance Dance President!

Hey, what good is a personal website if you can't use it to post goofy videos of your friends with it? Video is SFW, and contains much pasty-white-boy goodness. I especially liked how the one on the left couldn't get his shirt off.

The setup: the birthday party of a political conservative being attended by many political liberals. Names are withheld to protect the skinny and untanned (they can always comment to reveal themselves), but we will say we're quite impressed by how well the taller one danced. Wookies rule!

Posted by scott at 04:00 PM eMail this entry!
Squaring the Circle

Well, not exactly a circle, or a square, rather an egg, and a cube. Sort of. By the looks of the packaging, this thing has been around forever. Looks like something you'd get out of the back of a comic book.

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2006
I'm So Glad He's Here to Tell Us These Things

Well of course Christians shouldn't blog... it could lead to dancing! Includes the especially informative assertion:

The Church of God is made up of seven separate eras, recorded in Revelation 2 and 3. Today we live in the Laodicean era (Rev. 3:14-21)—the seventh and last era of the Church. Last century was, for the most part, the time of the sixth era, Philadelphia.

To understand Church eras, you can read their descriptions. Another way to gain knowledge of a particular era is to examine its name. For example, Philadelphia means “brotherly love,” a trait of that era.

So the 20th century, you know, the one with all the world wars and gulags and concentration camps and purges and such, was the era of "brotherly love"?

The irony of a warning against blogs in what is in essence a blog entry goes without saying.

It's almost enough to think this is another Landover-style hoax site. The sincerity and banality of the advice makes me think otherwise, but I've been fooled before.

Posted by scott at 12:43 PM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2006
It Came from the 80s

While I wasn't able to identify all these hair-metal bands from the 80s, I'd certainly heard of all of them. I can even remember thinking back then, "there's no way this look will ever get old!"

Fortunately all known pictures of me with long hair included an ex-girlfriend in them, so a very long time ago Ellen burned all the evidence for me. Sometimes I'm so clever I scare myself.

Posted by scott at 08:52 AM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2006
Super Heros on the Ganges

Joshua gets a very Bollywood No-Prize! for bringing us this.

Just watch it. We are not sure what it is, but it has well...super heroes in it!

Posted by scott at 08:01 PM eMail this entry!
I Find Your Lack of Produce Disturbing

Well, we're probably the last to know, except for you anyway, that Chad Vader's adventures continue. Sad thing is, these guys are way funnier than SpaceBalls ever was*, without the multi-million dollar budget.

Via Siflay

----
* Which is not to say Mel Brooks is... oh my, sorry, I just got turned around, oh please don't get up, no, please don't--#$@$#@$

Posted by scott at 05:26 PM eMail this entry!
Mmm... Tasty...

Now, if the wedding dress is made out of pastry, what the hell do you do with the cake? Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "eating your way to heaven."

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress!

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2006
Gotta Love those Health Class Films

Beware the homosexual! He drives around in an old Ford!

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
When Ads Attack

Somehow I think this one will not endear Hollywood producer David Zucker to the left side of the peanut gallery. Even if he didn't actually produce it, it's still damned funny. If political ads were more like this, maybe I'd pay attention to them more often.

Oh be quiet. It's no worse than South Park, and most of you (the Grammas excepted, of course) laugh your ass off at that.

Actual conversation in our car yesterday:

Ellen: "So who are we voting for then?"

Me: "Republicans. Straight Republican ticket."

Ellen: "But why?"

Me: "They're just about as bad as Democrats, true, but at least they want to cut taxes and shoot terrorists."

Ellen: "How much longer until I get to vote for Giuliani?!?"

People only think we're rational, well-rounded individuals.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 12:05 PM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2006
I Especially like the Control Location

Fark said it was pretty sad. Me, I think it's a good idea, but should be home-made, not store-bought. Strangely enough, I never even once thought of this sort of thing as a costume idea. Too many Barbie toys in my life, I suppose.

Posted by scott at 01:39 PM eMail this entry!
Chicken Wha?!?

Ah, college. Where else can you dance like a fool in your underwear? The wrinkle nowadays is, of course, that the whole world can see you.

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
Blame 'em All, Let God Decide

Think of it as the shotgun approach to conspiracy theories:

With US mid-term elections one month away, it is not surprising to find Washington’s elite criminal factions (neocon and neoliberal) engaged in a new game of political chicken over 9/11 red herrings.

If nothing else, I now have a new name for the left side of the peanut gallery.

Posted by scott at 07:36 AM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2006
Oh You did Not

I swear, every time one of The Grammas visits us, we're certain they think we're teaching Olivia out of a book like this.

I mean, come on. It's not like we use those sorts of flash cards every day.

Well, hang on a minute. Define "every day".

Bah. You think it's a coincidence she's been able to recite the alphabet for the past year?!?

Posted by scott at 08:21 PM eMail this entry!
Superman's Cousin?

Ron gets a medicinal no-prize for introducing us to Bishop Womack-El, a "prophetic physician" who "can help you with supervision to rejuvenate your life and detoxify your body tissues for improved health and longevity."

And hey, who wouldn't want that?

Whodathunk that Jor-El's cousin would be running a ministry in Jersey?

Posted by scott at 11:56 AM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2006
A Rapper, for... Umm... Somebody

Catholics in the peanut gallery will probably wish they never heard of the rapping priest, but I'm happy to let them know anyway. I'm helpful that way.

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2006
Nothing to See Here, Move Along, Move Along

Bill Clinton. Former governor, former president, future federal prison inmate?

Sorry. I got all nostalgic for the era when it was the right that got all foamy and irrational about the president. Good times, good times.

Posted by scott at 02:08 PM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2006
Goli Mar!

Hey, at least this guy looks normal. Most likely quite safe around your children too. What I really liked was the fake echo... "MAR! Mar! mar!"

Hey, if you can't laugh at a Bollywood re-interpretation of Michael Jackson's Thriller video, there's something wrong with you.

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
A Holy MasterCard Moment

A bible: $20
A really nice decent suit: $200
The ability to tithe at 24% monthly compound interest: Priceless:

Baker came up with the kiosk idea a couple of years ago. He had just kicked off a $3-million building drive, but noticed that few people seemed to keep cash in their wallet anymore for the collection bag.

So he began studying the electronic payment business. He designed his machine with the help of a computer programmer who attends Stevens Creek, and found ATM companies willing to assemble it for him. In early 2005, he introduced the first machine at his church.

The quote the preacher gives is just as priceless.

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
I Especially Like the Fact that He's Fuzzy

God bless YouTube, without which we would never know the answer to the question, "What would it be like if Cthulu hosted a cable-access talk show?" Prank this, Stern gang!

The best part is this whole thing will most likely be completely incomprehensible to my mom.

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2006
Paging E.M.C., White Courtesy Phone Please

Finally, a government job I'd enjoy:

The TSA’s changes to the complete liquid ban may require persons with augmented breasts (or other body parts) to comply with further inspections at security checkpoints.

Because we all know how easy it is to smuggle explosives using surgically emplanted devices. Clever bastards, those terrorists.

Posted by scott at 03:31 PM eMail this entry!
Oh Dear Lord

No Ron, you can't have one:

What's the only way to MOON that perfect individual and get your feelings out from thousands of miles away while remaining completely anonymous?

AssInTheBox, That's How!

What will they think of next?

Posted by scott at 08:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2006
Insert Another Smothers Brothers Reference Here

Somehow I think falling into a vat of chocolate would actually be preferable here:

A US commissioner from the Vienna-based International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) emerged unharmed after falling into a water tank at the Dukovany nuclear power plant on Friday.

Dukovany, Czech Republic, that is. Fortunately this wasn't one of those tanks with the neon-blue lumps in the bottom of it, so he's fine. Soaked, but fine.

Posted by scott at 02:43 PM eMail this entry!
Personally, I Want to Try that Candy Trick

There's Mythbusters, and then there's this.

Yeah, it's silly. I've been trying to learn a new computer language. Critical thinking tends to get mushed around like an old banana when I do that.

Posted by scott at 12:37 PM eMail this entry!
September 22, 2006
Ron's Next Haircut?
Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely a Mother, of Some Sort

Mike J. gets a no-prize in a world, until now, for bringing us the mother of all movie trailers.

Well of course it's silly. If we took this all seriously you wouldn't come around so much.

Posted by scott at 08:17 AM eMail this entry!
September 20, 2006
Nerdy? Me?

Mike J. (via Mark) gets a goofy rappin' no-prize for bringing us the latest Weird Al parody. Personally, I don't see anything at all I have in common with this.

Then again, parody is often lost on those at which it is poking fun.

Oh who am I kidding. I still have all my old D&D books. I just don't use them anymore. My story, sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
The More You Know...

Mark gets a really helpful no-prize for bringing us these important terrorist safety tips. Hey, can't be any worse than the damned color codes, eh?

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2006
Arr, tis not This Thing Dead Yet Matey?

It's inevitable that Ellen will find out about this, so figured I'd just go along: it's "talk like a pirate" day! Every year, she loves this thing. Except now that Olivia is such a big Sponge Bob fan, Ellen'll probably get her in on it as well this year.

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2006
The Corvette of Many Colors

Hey, it's his car, he can do whatever he wants with it. We've got a couple of these wandering around the Northern VA area. Last one I saw, as I recall, was an old Ford LTD.

Posted by scott at 12:32 PM eMail this entry!
September 13, 2006
If the Boat Fits

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

This particular page of the site is SFW, but I can't vouch for any of the links.

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2006
Three... Two... One...

Leave it to the Japanese to turn a port-a-potty into an ejection seat. We get the added bonus of several demonstrations in the use of the Japanese squat toilet. Which just makes it weirder, I guess.

Includes a few shots of bare hineys, but otherwise is SFW.

Posted by scott at 09:35 AM eMail this entry!
It's Like a... Like a...

No more complaining about how obtuse my writing is, okay? Personally, I rather like the vegetable soup one.

Posted by scott at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
September 07, 2006
Sometimes These Things Just Write Themselves

Bank robber exposed by exploding trousers.

People turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2006
~ This Doll is Bananas / B-A-N-A-N-A-S ~

Fortunately Olivia plays more with stuffed animals right now than she does with dolls:

Gwen Stefani is no longer just a girl. Now she's a doll, too. The singer, actress and fashion designer announced Tuesday that she will bring her trademark rock 'n' roll style to the toy industry with a series of limited-edition dolls.

The operative phrase being, "right now". Don't worry, I can hear that clock ticking loudly enough without you shaking it in my face. Mommy buys dolls, daddy buys airplanes. She plays with what she likes.

Which is usually dolls. Ah well, at least I don't have to have an engineering degree to play with them, unlike other toys, and that's just fine with me.

That's my story, am sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely a Little Short, for a Stormtrooper

But hey, it's not like I care. I only hope they don't have the suits available in "plus" sizes.

Oh be quiet. I'm a pig, haven't you figured that out yet?

Posted by scott at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2006
Damned Clever, those Terrorists

Be quiet Ron, if it was a wine bottle we'd have to sit on you to keep you from it. I wonder if getting it out with a stick would work?

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
August 29, 2006
So Much for the Honeymoon

Then again, we always knew the press wasn't Terrell Owens's best friend to begin with. Of course, being such an easy going and likeable guy, I just don't understand why everyone picks on him.

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2006
Live Nude Turtles!

Beware this can be XXX.

Well it can if you are into that. No really. They are live...and well, NUDE!

Posted by Ellen at 09:52 PM eMail this entry!
Woodshop Fun

Robert H. gets a somewhat goofy but functional no-prize for bringing us the wooden alternator. No, really!

The rest of the site is just as interesting. I like the hamster-powered alternator myself. Reminds me of the Cruiser's engine.

Posted by scott at 04:13 PM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2006
You're Talking to What?

While browsing the comments on Slashdot, I found this amusing bit of Sci-Fi. Well, amusing to me at least, but we already know I need to get out more. Yeah, it's been around awhile, but it gave me a smile.

Posted by scott at 12:12 PM eMail this entry!
At Least it Didn't Crash

Pat gets a weirdly cute no-prize for bringing us the icon fight club. And we all know the first rule of the icon fight club, right?

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2006
The Foil Hat Goes, "Rattle Rattle Rattle"

Fark linked up yet another example of what wobbling off meds really looks like:

Plaintiff Teri Smith Tyler, appearing pro se, filed a complaint in December 1992 alleging a bizarre conspiracy involving the defendants to enslave and oppress certain segments of our society. Plaintiff contends she is a cyborg, and that she received most of the information which forms the basis for her complaint, through ``proteus,'' which I read to be come silent, telepathic form of communication.

With the right meds this person has the potential to lead a relatively normal life. It's finding the right meds that's the real trick. This is significantly complicated by the fact that, unlike somone with diabetes or high blood pressure, people with chronic mental illnesses are generally a complete pain in the ass until the treatments start to work. What makes it worse is you know it's not really their fault, but it can still be a struggle between deciding to help them or drown them.

Posted by scott at 11:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2006
Oh, Those Crazy Japanese

If game shows in America were more like this, I don't think they'd be quite as rare. Sometimes a lack of personal injury attorneys can be a good thing.

I only got about a third of the way through it when I had to stop. I use headphones, but people get suspicious around here if they see you're having trouble breathing and have tears streaming down your face. I'll save the rest of it for home.

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
Om Phone Home

Don't blink, you might miss him:

Willy the tortoise made a break for freedom well, break may be too strong a word. It was more like a slow crawl. But after a month on the lam, the 40-pound tortoise with a 2-foot-wide, gold-colored shell is back in the wading pool at his owner's home.

The included picture reveals that, yep, it's another leopard tortoise, just like Om, only full-grown. That's how big he's going to get some day folks, and at the rate he's growing it won't be that far off. Which is just as well, because Om will most likely be the family dog.

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2006
Profiling, for the Rest of Us (Them?)

Sepia Mutiny has a rather... interesting... take on the whole profiling thing:

1) All TSA employees must be female virgins and there must be at least 50 of them at each TSA security line. Everyone knows that terrorists always wage their terror in order to be with virgins in the afterlife. This will draw them out of the general populace like flies toward warm sweet honey.

Satire, fresh and tasty!

Via I Speak of Dreams.

Posted by scott at 02:34 PM eMail this entry!
August 18, 2006
Insert Smothers Brothers Reference Here

Pat gets a really sweet no-prize for bringing us news of a chocolaty Darwin near-miss:

A 21-year-old US man was trapped in a tank of chocolate for about two hours early today.

Police Capt. Randy Berner said the worker said he got into the tank at the Debelis Corporation in Kenosha, Wisconsin, to unplug it and became trapped waist-deep in the chocolate.

Oh, and the title? Go look it up! (Some people won't need to.)

Posted by scott at 07:50 PM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2006
Well, at Least They're Explicit About it

Scroll down to "What cannot be said on my posting..." Heh... fartknocker isn't on the list!

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
Let's Go for a Drive

The picture makes this one priceless:

Cars run into houses.

It happens fairly often - but seldom is there an exit wound.

Fairly often is right. While I was in high school, cars would quite regularly drive into the lobby at Wal Mart, smash into the grocery store next door, and occasionally attack various fast-food places. As I recall, it happened about once or twice a year.

Then there was the time a few years ago when a lady drove her monster SUV right through the wall of our high-rise apartment complex and into someone's apartment. Brick, steel, and mortar seemed to have been no match.

There's a reason they put pylons around these places nowadays.

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2006
That's One Hot Instrument

Amazing, what you can do with simple matches. I bet it has a pretty weird sound.

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2006
Bringing a Bat to a Gunfight

Whenever I encounter some dipwad on the highway being hyper-agressive and just generally a dangerous a-hole, I simply let them go by, knowing some day, some where, they'll eventually run across someone a lot better equipped to instruct them in the error of their ways.

Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

I'm not quite sure about the legitimacy of this. The whole ending is very surreal, and suspiciously well-orchestrated. Not saying it is a hoax, just that I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be. The accents are pretty obviously Canadian, so I can't say what their laws would make of it. Over here, the guy in the car would be completely in his rights to pull a gun on someone threatening him with a baseball bat. Indeed, in a few states he'd be well within his rights to shoot the guy dead. Taking the camera away from them is probably theft of some sort, but no jury in the world would convict them.

Still not sure I believe it, though.

Posted by scott at 02:05 PM eMail this entry!
I Shall Call Them, "Boobs of Steel"

Makes men stare, stops bullets. Is there anything boobs can't do?

Posted by scott at 11:33 AM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2006
When Bollywood Attacks

Joshua gets a no-prize with an amazing 'fro for bringing us Solla Solla Enna Perumai. The thing I like about Bollywood movies is they're so unabashedly and unselfconsciously kitschy. Surreal, yes, but as long as you grin and play along they can actually be quite a bit of fun.

I like it, God help me I do.

Posted by scott at 02:30 PM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2006
For Me, This Would Be "10 Ways to Really Get Killed"

Michelle B. gets a no-prize with a death wish for bringing us 10 Ways to REALLY Piss Off Your Woman, a guide to things only a really crazy or really dumb man would even think of actually trying. Which means I'm thinking about it, Joshua's already got a plan, Mark's shaking his head, and we're all going to have to sit on Ron just to keep him alive.

I mean, really, that horse pillow one sounds absolutely classic.

Posted by scott at 04:00 PM eMail this entry!
August 10, 2006
Cardboard Cube

My question is, where was their supervisor? Then again, most IT folks work bizarre hours and tend to have jobs that involve a lot of sitting around waiting for things to happen. Many IT folks are the firemen of the digital age, with the spare time to prove it. For all I know the supervisor was the one who got it started.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2006
Chicken Boots

The video is too funny not to miss, BUT the link is NSFW due to all the PrOn ads around it.

Posted by Ellen at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
Follow the McRules to get Your McFood, you McTard

Fark linked up the McRules for you to follow. Even though it's been (good lord) nearly twenty years since I worked there, I still quite vividly remember the experience. The rules detailed in the article tell me even after all that time the job still hasn't changed much.

And yes, it's written by an obnoxious teen or twentysomething and if the employees were just a bit nicer to me it'd be easier to be nice to them and who the hell is this person anyway? All true, but you really have to work at a place like this to understand. This article helps you understand.

Posted by scott at 10:31 AM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2006
Maybe it Can be Fixed

Next step, include it in the water supply:

A German scientist has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies, Bild newspaper reported Saturday.

It said Hans-Hilger Ropers, director at Max-Planck-Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, has tested a pill thwarting hyperactivity in certain brain nerve cells, helping stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness.

I can think of several people who'd need an IV drip. Namely, me.

Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2006
Words You do not Want to See Together
Posted by scott at 10:40 AM eMail this entry!
Monumental Weirdness

Ron gets a no-prize mounted upside-down in a park for bringing us this collection of "the strangest monuments of the world. They didn't include the high-falutin' representation of a woman's private bits now proudly mounted in the main park of the bedroom district where Ellen's dad lives, but they should've.

Things that make you go, "Hmmm..."

Posted by scott at 08:23 AM eMail this entry!
August 03, 2006
Gotta Have Rules

Well of course some place called "Modern Drunkard Magazine Online" would have rules of boozing. Some are quite good, too.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
Well, Somebody's Got to Do it

There's calendars, and then there's calendars:

The 2007 Men of Mortuaries Calendar is scheduled to be available in October of 2006. You may reserve your copy here by giving us your e-mail address. When the calendars become available we will inform you. The button below will be ready after the 20th of May.2006.

It's for charity, so why not?

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2006
Say it ain't So!

What is the world coming to:

Diamonds are no longer a girl's best friend, according to a new U.S. study that found three of four women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace.

What's next? Cats and dogs sleeping together? Mass hysteria?

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2006
Fun with Fundies

At first, I thought this site was just your garden variety fundie loon collection. Then I got to the Sir Mix-a-lot parody. When it makes my jaw ache and eyes water from trying not to laugh, that's always a very good sign.

A sign from the Lord, if you will...

Posted by scott at 03:47 PM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2006
A Detector, for the Rest of Us

I'm just glad nobody gave us one of these as a gag gift for our wedding. If they had, the poor thing would've exploded during Ellen's pregnancy. Nowadays it'd just point to various cats, where it's not really that useful, since they tend to give themselves away by looking at their own butts in alarm and fleeing the scene.

Posted by scott at 01:47 PM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2006
No Scott, You Can't Have These.

Yet another reason why guys take longer showers.

Posted by Ellen at 12:17 PM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2006
Hooray for Me!

Fark linked up news that today is sysadmin day, which I spent:

  • Fixing something that worked the first time but didn't when the boss tried it
  • Helping three people do things that are described in detail in the knowledgebase I administer
  • Convincing one of them, in as politically correct a way as possible, that yes, they skipped a step and yes, that step really is in the instructions and why thank you for checking while I'm standing here
  • Making sure nobody would find the weapon. Or the body (well, I can dream about it anyway)
  • Spending another hour in a remote session helping someone from another state do something described in detail in my knowledgebase.
  • Helping them do three more things after that, again all in the good ol' KB.
  • After finding out today is the day, reading this, and getting misty-eyed.
  • Then reading this, and having a right good laugh
  • Then reading This and chuckling evilly.

So be sure to buy your sysadmin a beer, or a whatever. After all, you wouldn't be reading this without them!

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
Safety Silliness

Alternate headline: Paging Charles Darwin, white courtesy phone please. Under "funny" because (as far I could tell) nobody got seriously killed. But it wasn't from a lack of trying.

Posted by scott at 02:28 PM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2006
Well Hey, the Enterprise was a Model Too!

Personally, I'm surprised it's taken this long to combine Monty Python and Star Trek. Sort of the world's geekiest Reese's cup, eh?

Via Drumwaster.

Posted by scott at 10:22 AM eMail this entry!
Paging the Doublemint Twins, White Courtesy Phone Please

There's gum, and then there's gum:

At first glance, the yellow smiley face gumballs confiscated from Howard High School seem innocent enough.

But stuffed in the so-called “Greenades” was something that caught the attention of federal drug enforcement agents: marijuana.

And all this time I thought only cows chewed grass.

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
July 25, 2006
Only Used One... So Far

Out of the 11 foolish ways this guy thinks we spoil our kids, we only ever used the shopping cart thingy, and that was only because it was winter and most of the carts were really cold when we got them. Now trying to plunk Olivia in the front seat results in a class-3 meltdown, so we normally just plunk her in the front and make a lame joke about markdowns and warranties to the checkout person when we're done.

That diamond binkie though, that's something I'm sure she'd be all about. Little girl definitely likes her bling already.

Posted by scott at 01:40 PM eMail this entry!
Insert Airplane Joke Here

That whole "a woman needs a man like a bear needs a bicycle" think just got one step closer to reality:

Women who don't like driving alone at night can purchase a blow-up man to place in the passenger seat. When they are finished with the "Buddy on Demand," they can deflate it by flicking a switch.

Sort of like a Christmas decoration, for your car!

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2006
I Find Your Lack of Produce Disturbing

I guess it's just me, but for some reason Darth Vader as the day manager of a grocery store makes me giggle. I need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2006
You Gotta be Kidding Me

Headline says it all: UK Man's Phallus Controlled by Neighbor's Garage Door Opener.

"Honey? The garage door opener has stopped working. And what's wrong with Mr. Jones next door? As soon as I pulled up he suddenly ran in the house yelling for his wife!"

ORLY?

Posted by scott at 02:27 PM eMail this entry!
A Little "iReality"

Joshua gets a no-prize with a split personality for bringing us a whole new set of "Mac vs. PC" ads.

Me, I still get weirded out by a single-button mouse. Right click! I must right click!

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
July 20, 2006
Well, this Explains Everything

Mark gets a no-prize with tiny little controls for bringing us the "secret" behind George Bush. Hey, at least our pilot's German. Seems like all the Democrats can field are Slovenians.

Posted by scott at 02:18 PM eMail this entry!
But Can You Actually Pardon the Walking Dead?

My thought: make him climb a coconut tree to get it:

Keith Richards, lead guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has been promised a pardon for an old traffic offense -- courtesy of a fan, Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee.

See, mom? Huckabee is good for something!

Posted by scott at 10:36 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2006
Waking Up Exposed, and Lying

It's nice to know that when one well-paid shill organization starts frothing a different one is set up by the opposition to froth right back. Which of course simply leads to escalation.

Who do I believe? Who cares? At this point it's more a mud wrestling match than anything else. Reading their sites, the Wake Up people seem to think a logical fallacy is a sex toy for Vulcans. Such trilling plays well with the fringe, just ask Ann Coulter, but it tends to make everyone else's eyes glaze over.

Me, I'm going to pop up some popcorn. This should be a fun one to watch.

Posted by scott at 01:56 PM eMail this entry!
Wow. Just... wow.

Ever wonder what it's like to talk to someone who's wobbled completely off their meds? Wonder no more. Ironically, the site is called The Consumerist.

It amazes me how people seem to get attached to a phone call, seemingly incapable of ending a conversation that's obviously not going anywhere. It's called "hanging up", people!

Posted by scott at 10:51 AM eMail this entry!
July 18, 2006
I do not Like MacBooks and Ham

Slashdot linked up this story about a guy who actually managed to cook an egg using his MacBook computer. Ellen's new Dell will toast your lap quite nicely, but it never ocurred to me to try and cook on the thing.

Sounds like a market in search of a product. Anyone know if they make laptop heat shields?

And yes, I did read the whole thing, and know it's all a joke. I think. I mean, it's on the Internet, it has be true, right?

Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2006
Beware the Granny Purse of Doom

Lisa R. gets a no-prize you don't mess with for bringing us this 30 second short about a granny, a Mercedes, and a purse.

Posted by scott at 02:21 PM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2006
Not Your Father's Count Down

While the site is in Finnish (I think), and the clip is in Japanese, if you let it run past the elaborate setup you'll still get the joke. It's enough to make me think the Japanese just don't understand personal liability or injury.

Posted by scott at 12:36 PM eMail this entry!
Gentleman, Restart Your Engines

Slashdot linked up news that Microsoft will become F-1's sole-source supplier for engine control units (ECUs). Can a "blue car of death" be far behind?

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2006
The Silver Hammer

Joshua gets a weird and twisted no-prize for bringing us this animated realization of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". I'd never heard of the thing, which is just as well. Even though she's a girl, I still can see Olivia coming come up with something like this some day.

Lord help us all.

Posted by scott at 06:58 PM eMail this entry!
That's Mister Avon Lady to You, Bub

Why am I suddenly reminded of an old Saturday Night Live skit:

On Penny Creek Drive in Bluffton, South Carolina, there was a knock, knock, but it was no joke. In a matter of moments, amateur photographer Richard Holinski ripped off the pictures that tell the story. A wayward 6-foot alligator was seemingly trying to ring the doorbell at a neighbor's home.

And here I thought all this time that only Florida had to worry about alligators.

Posted by scott at 02:26 PM eMail this entry!
If Only They'd do Football...

... we wouldn't have to worry about what Ron's casket should look like some day:

Eternal Image Inc., which makes customized caskets and urns, said on Friday it has signed a multiyear licensing agreement with Major League Baseball that allows the company to reproduce the names and logos of all 30 league teams on a new line of caskets and urns.

The only real baseball fan we know personally is Joshua, but he's nowhere near this level. However, it's probably only a matter of time/money before the blue star is available on a silver casket. Good thing Ron's not goth... he'd probably sleep in one if it ever came out.

Posted by scott at 09:46 AM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2006
Do not Pass Go do not Collect $200

Well, one advantage of being buddhist is being able to give clever answers to these sorts of questions:

Conservatives are more confident than liberals that they'll avoid hell—and that they know someone who won't. Liberals are less confident about their own chances of escaping hell and less sure they can identify the damned. These are a few results from an unusual online survey Beliefnet conducted this month among 10,000 of its members.

Ellen was raised Catholic, and according to her that pretty much gaurantees a one-way ticket, going down. Then again, she's not a practicing Catholic. I once asked her how long Catholics had to practice before they got good at it, but she hit me with a pillow instead of giving me an answer.

Why yes, actually, I do enjoy non sequiturs, and aren't the sandwiches good too?

Posted by scott at 12:26 PM eMail this entry!
Well Duh

PROBLEM: Eutopian greenies and reactionary technocrats get together and create a treaty purpose-built to sink the economy of any nation dumb enough to sign it. Which yours just did.

SOULTION: Cheat:

Many governments, including some that claim to be leading the fight against global warming, are harbouring a dirty little secret. These countries are emitting far more greenhouse gas than they say they are, a fact that threatens to undermine not only the shaky Kyoto protocol but also the new multibillion-dollar market in carbon trading.

Thing is, I don't trust the scientist who's "found" the cheating any more than I trust the governments reporting they're not. Environmental movements have always been far more about politics than they ever have been about science. When the left's favorite social systems were proven to be bankrupt, most of their believers simply started playing for a different team, and it's so bad now that you don't even have to rub a green leader very hard to get the red to show through.

Is global warming happening? Probably, evidence seems pretty clear to me. But every reasonable estimate I've ever seen or heard about projects its effect to happen over decades, if not centuries. Given that time frame, market forces are more than adequate to address the problem, no special treaty needed.

And don't give me anything about shifting currents or melting bergs. The planet's done that for as long as its been around, and life seems to be getting along just fine. It took us two centuries to even notice anything is changing, and it's so subtle we still argue about it.

No, global environmental apocalypse is about as likely as the worker's social apocalypse was in the previous two centuries, and the results of listening to the prophets of the former will most likely lead to the results of the latter. Namely, the only ones heading for real disaster are the ones listening to those predicting it.

Posted by scott at 09:22 AM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2006
Super Bunnyman

Those bunnies are at it again, this time running through Superman in 30 seconds. Hopefully they got paid to be part of the promotional juggernaut that is the remake, but you never know.

Via Drumwaster.

Posted by scott at 01:59 PM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2006
Olivia Would Say, "Daddy Fall Down!"

One of my Alfa parts places is featuring a giggle-worthy Fiat commercial. I've never done anything like that, but I wouldn't put it past some of the folks I've encountered on various trails.

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2006
Zig a Zig AH!!!
Posted by Ellen at 08:09 PM eMail this entry!
Hey!!

It's the asian version of Amber!

Posted by Ellen at 08:02 PM eMail this entry!
Where Women Blow and Men Chunder...

Ok this is boring yet funny all at the same time.

Watch the captions!! You will get the title if you do!

Posted by Ellen at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2006
Sur-prise Sur-prise Sur-prise

Hey Ellen, remember when we stacked stuffed animals on you that one time you passed out? Just be glad we don't live in Japan.

I'm not sure I could buy the amount of trouble I'd be in if I was somehow part of something like that. Then again, some of the setups are so absurd I have a hard time believing the "victim" isn't in on the plot. Doesn't matter, Japanese TV is still amazingly weird either way.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2006
Shades of Agent Smart

The intro of this article on some of the goofier things the Pentagon has considered as weapons starts out "The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say." But I think it should be pointed out that the US military has always tried lots of weird things. It's how our military works.

I mean, really... spending trillions of dollars on a bomb so powerful it could wreck an entire city? Please. A computer network capable of automatically routing around damaged nodes, knitting together all digital devices? Ridiculous. A bomb that uses satellites whirling in space to find a specific window in a building? Laughable.

All an idea needs is someone to think it up and someone else to fund it, and you can't always tell the good ones from the bad ones just by looking. So what if 90% are loopy one-offs? 7% work and 3% end up changing the world. As long as someone is watching the till, it's OK with me.

Of course, the only one watching the till right now is Congress, which is simply a different way of saying "nobody is watching the till." Hence the first amendment and the related Freedom of Information Act. If nobody else will, we will. It's our country, after all. Mighty clever, those founding fathers.

Posted by scott at 08:13 AM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2006
~ Your Own / Personal / JesusToast ~

It doesn't work in a regular toaster, which tells me there's going to be a line forming in front of our toaster oven very soon. Olivia's quite fond of toast, so friends who want to try this (*cough* Joshua *cough* Ron *cough*) should be prepared to do battle with Overwhelming Cuteness if they want their artistry to survive.

And you can puff your chest out and make "no 3 year old will stop me" noises all you want. Thou hast not yet faced the full power of yon child's cuteness.

What was I talking about again?

Via Reflections in D Minor.

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2006
Shades of Bugs Bunny

Flash animation vs. Flash animator. Damned clever, I say.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
No Ellen, You Can't Have One

Thing is, she actually does want some:

Few people like to get on the scale -- but their reluctance is nothing, compared to a handful of tortoises at the Phoenix Zoo.
...
One of those reptiles was so heavy, nine adults struggled to carry it to and from the scale. It weighed in at 649 pounds.

Galapagos and Aldabra tortoises, to be exact. Galapagos have a reputation for being quite affectionate and fun (well, for a turtle anyway), but having a quarter-ton pet to take care of really pushes things.

So I'm afraid Ellen will just have to settle for Om, who by all accounts will end up being about the size of a beach ball and the weight of a spare tire. Beats the hell out of a dog, far as I'm concerned.

Posted by scott at 08:39 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2006
But will She Wear Comfortable Shoes?

That's Miss "not that there's anything wrong with that" to you, bub:

Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman is coming out of the closet. DC Comics is resurrecting the classic comic book character as a lesbian, unveiling the new Batwoman in July as part of an ongoing weekly series that began this year.

Via Silflay

Posted by scott at 02:01 PM eMail this entry!
Now I'm Glad Ellen Doesn't Fly Airplanes

Because if she did, we'd have yet another addition to the menagerie:

3,000 feet in the air on Saturday, Monty Coles discovered a four-and-a-half-foot black snake peering out at him from the instrument panel of his Piper Cherokee.

The control tower guys would all be tearing their headphones off trying to get away from the cry, "it's so cuuuuuuuutte!!!!"

Posted by scott at 12:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2006
I Think I'll Call it, "Gramma Beer"

Fark linked up news of the invention of a peculiar kind of beer:

Czech scientists say they have created a new non-alcoholic beer that contains 10 times the normal amount of phytoestrogen, intended to help women suffering from the menopause.

The beer, developed by the Czech Republic’s Research Institute for Brewing and Malting, is intended to relieve menopausal symptoms and maintain bone density by tackling a lack of the oestrogen hormone in many Czech women.

Which just goes to prove there really isn't anything beer can't do.

Posted by scott at 12:37 PM eMail this entry!
~ The Engine on the Plane Falls Down Down Down ~

Slashdot linked up this article on the top 10 stupid engineering mistakes. It's all there, from the DC-10 to the Great Molasses Massacre.

Why the Chevy Vega missed the list I'll never know.

Posted by scott at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2006
Yup, that About Covers it

The saddest thing is I remember all of these "unintentionally gay moments in music video history". It's hard sometimes to remember how naive we all seemed back in the 80s. Like George Michael, we really didn't know they were gay until someone else told us.

Well, told me anyway. Never have been a particularly observant person.

The "no shit sherlock" sign you're holding up is not very funny, by the way.

Posted by scott at 12:57 PM eMail this entry!
A Re-enactment Society, for the Rest of Us

Best, historical, re-enactment, EVAR!

I imagine there are a lot of inside jokes even I don't get. Members of re-enactment societies (you know who you are) should chime in if they spot them.

Via Siflay

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2006
Vader Calling

Robert H. gets a no-prize that'll reverse the charges for bringing us this hilarious clip from Robot Chicken, one of the newer programs on Adult Swim. Time to set a new season pass!

Posted by scott at 03:07 PM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2006
Poot Blocker

Well, the creation of the Dogone Dog Gas Neutralizing Pad is all well and good, but what about cats? Ours will regularly sit up, look at their own butts in alarm, and then spread mustard gas throughout the house. What about us, hmmm?

Posted by scott at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2006
Mark Your Calendars

World to end tomorrow:

I have received information psychically, which is corroborated by scientific data, according to which on May 25, 2006 a giant tsunami will occur in the Atlantic Ocean, brought about by the impact of a comet fragment which will provoke the eruption of under-sea volcanoes.

Hey man, it's psychic information! We all know how accurate that is!

According to his maps, we're gonna have ourselves a beach soon. How cool is that?!?

Posted by scott at 02:51 PM eMail this entry!
NikePod?

Damned iPods, now they're starting to invade your shoes! You'd think there'd be a lot of bike-related iPod accessories, but (as far as I know) there's not. Something about making sure you hear cars coming up behind you. As if.

Posted by scott at 12:51 PM eMail this entry!
May 23, 2006
Fear & Loathing

Siflay linked up this giggle-worthy parody of a "typical" movie trailer. If it weren't for cliches, I'm not sure Hollywood would even exist. And wouldn't that be a tragedy?

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
May 20, 2006
Boobs Smash!!!

Ron gets an eye-popping no-prize for bringing us Cans vs. cans. Video is SFW, although I may never look at a can of Fosters quite the same way again.

Posted by scott at 03:30 PM eMail this entry!
May 19, 2006
Speak of the Dead

As part of the "DaVinci Code" promotional blizzard, a Japanese personality claims to have re-created what Mona Lisa and Leonardo himself may have sounded like when alive. Hey, this is the guy who invented the dog translator, you gotta trust him!

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
Yo Yo Yo, My Haji

Ok, well, after seeing this... rmm... "rap?" video, all I can say is I hope they shoot better than they rap. I bet it's even funnier if you know what they're parodying looks like.

Via Countercolumn.

Posted by scott at 12:19 PM eMail this entry!
May 18, 2006
Growing a Pair

For some reason Ellen won't let me grow a world-class mustache and beard, which i shame. I mean, look what she's missing!

Bah, who am I kidding. I can't stand mine to get much longer than "closely trimmed". The way a mustache acts like a sponge just annoys the crap out of me. And if my beard gets long enough all I do is sit around and pull it. Neat & trim, that's for me!

Posted by scott at 11:33 AM eMail this entry!
May 16, 2006
Live Long and Prosper, Brothah, yeeah!

Found on, I kid you not, space.com, this "Star Trek 2.0" parody certainly gave me a chuckle. I remember playing with those dolls action figures "back in the day." Don't seem to remember them being that flexible.

But hey, memory is funny like that, no?

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2006
When Suburbia Attacks

Ah, the suburbs... the McMansions, the manicured cul-de-sacs, the giggling teenage slackers, the exploding soda bottles...

The rich white boys in my home town didn't do this exactly, but they did things like it. Yet another reason I never really hung out with that crowd all that much.

I've seen other instances of this kind of "fun" cutting and breaking hands. If someone can come up with a way to seal/shake/throw these things via a 10-foot pole, I'm all over it. Until then, I'll just watch the video and shake my head.

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2006
Apropos of Nothing II

(This time I spell checked it. Someone lost a no-prize for not spotting the first one!)

Your Quote of the Day:

"Remember, folks...finish your beer, because right now, there is a poor little boy in Africa who is sober."

Testify!

Posted by scott at 06:53 PM eMail this entry!
Joss Who?

Fans of Joss Whedon's work should find this interview with an extremely convincing "fake" Joss Whedon amusing. As nerdy as cons can be sometimes, I love them still because they're usually chock-full of extremely clever people who are simply there to have a good time.

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2006
Fun with Frisbees

Who says white men can't jump? Well, ok, this white man can't jump. But boy that one sure can!

Posted by scott at 12:45 PM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2006
The ooz-a-wha?

As much as I think marketing departments need their own category in the special olympics (just so the marketroids will have a chance), I can't help but think this thing is a complete, albeit elaborate, hoax. Nobody is that out of touch with pop culture, especially when their money is on the line. What, you think a mass-market toy of any sort is cheap to make? They don't make die tooling out of cotton candy, ya know.

Still, it's funny to look at!

Posted by scott at 02:08 PM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2006
Appropos of Nothing

Quote of the day:

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and riffle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- James D. Nicoll

Posted by scott at 04:14 PM eMail this entry!
What, no Bicycle Jersies?

Hey, they're a proud sponsor of Jesus Christ, you know their stuff's gonna be good. Right?

Meh, what's a little pretension between friends?

Posted by scott at 10:12 AM eMail this entry!
Fun with Signs

Now why didn't I think of this:

Electronic road signs are annoying. I don't have a problem with these signs warning me about road construction, except when they're left up -- flashing their stupid warnings -- well after the work is completed. Recently a construction company left a pair of these signs in my neighborhood, blasting out their pointless messages. Being a creative tinkerer, I decided to do something about it.

I know why. Because whenever I try a prank like this, without fail, it blows up in my face. Guarantee you a cop would be taking a leak in the woods behind the sign, or would be cruising for no good reason just as I was punching buttons.

With pictures!

Posted by scott at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2006
Like I'd Ever Notice the Damned Flags

The Religious Policeman notes the Saudi World Cup team just keeps getting tripped up by us decadent Westerners:

Here, as you see, is the problem. It is a wall. On the wall is a picture of a young lady. The young lady has a great deal of skin. The young lady is displaying most of that skin, and appears to be lifting her bikini top. Because this wall is in Cologne, you may be forgiven for thinking that this may be an advertisement for Cologne. Perhaps the young lady has sprayed some Cologne on her bikini top, and is now sniffing it? Sadly the truth is much less fragrant. The wall belongs to a building. Inside the building are many such young ladies, all with a great deal of skin, but, I fear, with as little covering. The young ladies work in what is known as the "Personal Services Sector" of the German "Hospitality Industry". This being Germany, the services on offer are subject to close government supervision and health inspection. The building is in fact the largest of its kind in Germany, the Pascha in Cologne.

As with most attempts at being light-hearted with fanatics around, this amusing bit of whimsy doesn't have a particularly happy ending. But then again, when does it ever?

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2006
Twenty Dollars of Doom!

Suzanne gets a folded up no-prize for bringing us definitive evidence that the government is behind 9-11:

What are the odds that a simple geometric folding of the $20 bill would accidentally contain a representation of both terror attacks?

But it gets much better. No, really!

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2006
The Real Fight Club

At first I thought, "dude, she's German, and you're English, what do you expect?" Then I realised most of the arguments listed on this site are ones I've had. To wit:

There are many arguments we have over arguments. 'Who started argument x', for example, is a old favourite that has not had its vigour dimmed by age nor its edge blunted through use. Another dependable companion is, 'I'm not arguing, I'm just talking - you're arguing,' along with its more stage-struck (in the sense that it relishes an audience - parties, visiting relatives, Parent's Evenings at school, in shops, etc.) sibling, 'Right, so we're going to get into this argument here are we?' An especially frequent argument argument, however, is the result of Margret NOT STICKING TO THE DAMN ARGUMENT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Margret jack-knifes from argument to argument, jigs direction randomly and erratically like a shoal of Argument Fish being followed by a Truth Shark. It's fearsomely difficult to land a blow because by the time you've let fly with the logic she's not there anymore. A row about vacuuming gets shifted to the cost of a computer upgrade, from there to who got up early with the kids most this week and then to the greater interest rates of German banks via the noisome sexual keenness of some former girlfriend, those-are-hair-scissors-don't-use-them-for-paper and, 'When was the last time you bought me flowers?' all in the space of about seven exchanges. 'Arrrrrrgggh! What are we arguing about? Can you just decide what it is and stick to it?'

Then again, I married an Italian, so what do I expect?

Veteran sexist Tom Johnson (aka, "my dad") would note the only real thing in common is the sex of the opposite party, and point out the generalization that old men get to make and young men don't.

Which just goes to show being sexist doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong.

Ron gets a jabbering no-prize for bringing us this example of the universality of the human condition called "marriage"*.

-----
* Yeah, I know, the guy who's writing the site isn't, or doesn't seem to be, married. After a few years of co-habitation, the distinctions between the two become quite subtle.

In other words, "yeah, whatevah..."

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2006
When Public Access Attacks

This is what public access TV is all about, biatch. I get the giggles just watching how the stoned camera guy shoots the thing. The guy in front of the camera is just a scream.

All we get is soft spoken hippies playing with wire pyramids. What a gyp!

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
April 20, 2006
Coffin Crazies

Well why not:

For the Ga tribe in coastal Ghana, funerals are a time of mourning, but also of celebration. The Ga people believe that when their loved ones die, they move on into another life and the Ga make sure they do so in style. They honor their dead with brightly colored coffins that celebrate the way they lived.

No Ellen, you can't have one. Not even the purple PT Cruiser one.

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2006
Speaking of Our Favorite Cowboy Loon...

Fark linked up news of a rather unique gambling opportunity:

WagerWeb.com, one of the largest sports betting sites on the Internet, posted odds today for sports fans to bet on which member of the Dallas Cowboys players and staff, if any, will be the first involved in a verbal/physical confrontation with Terrell Owens during the 2006 NFL season.

It's gonna be a colorful season for the ol' blue-and-silver this year.

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2006
Just Don't Call it a...

Hey, it's good to be the king:

[The] world’s biggest hat ever made has been unveiled here on the sideline of the Middle East Exhibition and Conference for Professions, Education and Training 2006 opened here on Tuesday in Bahrain.

If you can't smile at a funny hat, you're just too far gone for help!

Posted by scott at 01:46 PM eMail this entry!
As Long as They Don't Model Cats

Because if they do, it'll be "find the wee spot, scrub the puke spot, pick up the poo spot", which doesn't sound as much fun:

A computer game that turns pet hamsters into virtual man-eaters could be the first in a new breed of games aimed at both people and their pets.

"Mice Arena" is an augmented-reality computer game in which human players are pitted against a real, live hamster.

The only real problem I can see, from my own experiences with "typical" on-line gamers, is the number of complaints they'd get that the hamster was hacking.

Posted by scott at 10:11 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2006
Speaking of Easter Candy...

Slashdot linked up this history of Easter candies. Includes a brief chronicle of the peep's road to world domination!

Posted by scott at 03:49 PM eMail this entry!
Fun with Easter

Joshua gets a no-prize in a sugar coma for bringing us the Easter Turducken, wherein one learns how to stuff a Cadbury egg into a peep into a chocolate Easter bunny. It even involves power tools!

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2006
~ It's - a - cli - che ~

InsaneIdiot gets a thundrous no-prize for bringing us the ultimate beer ad. Too bad they don't seem to sell the stuff over here!

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2006
Wait for it...

Filling up at the gas station can be so... tiring.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

Posted by scott at 05:55 PM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2006
Abba Lives

You! Quick! Go back to the 70s while you still can!

The song itself is actually kinda catchy. It's all the spandex and smoke-machine mist that gets me to giggling. I need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 11:35 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2006
WHOA!

Those Japanese will do anything!

NSFW!

Posted by Ellen at 09:26 PM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2006
A Scientific Booty Call

Bah, I know one when I see one. For the rest of you, do the math:

Few women would claim to have the perfect bottom. But for those in need of reassurance that it is within reach, a scientist has come to the rescue by working out a mathematical formula they believe adds up to the perfect posterior.

The magical figures are (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V. Though the equation looks rather complicated, it is, according to the scientist, simple.

Gotta love a mathematician with too much time on his hands!

Posted by scott at 03:35 PM eMail this entry!
Put on a [Martian] Happy Face

Fark linked up news of the discovery of yet another "face" on mars. Foil hatters suddenly predicting the Smiley Face of Martian Doom in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
Cadbury Egg Cake
Posted by Ellen at 07:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2006
See a Need, Fill a Need

Well, why not personalize your cleaning robot? Who wouldn't want a giant eyeball humming around on the kitchen floor?

Sorry, Ron, no Cowboys "skins" yet. Then again, nothing a can of silver spray paint and a decal can't cure, eh?

Posted by scott at 10:14 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2006
Chocolate Bunnies

bunnies.jpg
Posted by Ellen at 09:16 PM eMail this entry!
An Olympics, for the Rest of Us

Joshua gets a golden no-prize for bringing us news of the coolest Olympics site bid we've ever seen. Oh be quiet, it's no sillier than the real thing!

Posted by scott at 09:13 AM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2006
Why Didn't I Think of This?

I mean, mine's New York accent will be much more entertaining:

A groom-to-be has found a novel way to get rid of his future mother-in-law - by selling her on an internet auction site.

But it seems that Steve Owen could be stuck with Caroline Allen for a while because, so far, no-one has placed a bid for her despite the starting price being just £1.

Meh, she comes in handy sometimes as a babysitter, so I guess I'll keep her.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2006
~ No No Drama / You Don't Want No Drama ~

Thankfully, so far at least, Olivia hasn't resorted to these antics. She just ignores us and walks away.

Timeouts, on the other hand, are quite similar to this.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
April 05, 2006
Well Duh

Quote of the day: ""When you're dealing with rootkits and some advanced spyware programs, the only solution is to rebuild from scratch," said Mike Danseglio, a program manager in the Security Solutions group at Microsoft. "In some cases, there really is no way to recover without nuking the systems from orbit."

Now that I've got an unattended install widget running on our network, "nuking" systems is ridiculously simple and effective. Which is, after all, sorta the point, eh?

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
Mimes on YouTube

Why do people do stuff like this and this.

Posted by Ellen at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2006
Thump

This Toyota video made the rounds awhile ago, but it still makes me smile. Personally I think the 90's-era Supras are the fastest looking Toyotas ever made, but what do I know?

Posted by scott at 05:00 PM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2006
The White Zone is for Landspeeders Only

For the Star Wars fan with everything else, we have a "working" full-scale model of a landspeeder. No real details on it, other than it's asking price is not quite $14,000. With an 88 Ford Escort as innards, I think it's probably more a "landslower".

Posted by scott at 01:04 PM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2006
No Boobs for You!

Well, there goes Pam Anderson's shot:

Women with boob jobs may be banned from Virgin's space flights.

Bosses fear the implants may expand and burst due to cabin pressure, according to The Sun.

Probably for the best anyway. I hear the cabin's going to be pretty tight on these first-gen spacecraft.

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2006
When Italians Attack

Italian-Americans, that is:

A Boston Herald reporter asked the 70-year-old conservative Roman Catholic if he faces much questioning over impartiality when it comes to issues separating church and state.

"You know what I say to those people?" [U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin] Scalia replied, making the obscene gesture and explaining "That's Sicilian."

It's like he's channeling some of my inlaws.

Posted by scott at 03:57 PM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2006
I'll be Darned

Joshua gets a no-prize for bringing us, well, a no prize. I wonder if that's a photoshop, or something someone actually received in the mail?

Posted by scott at 02:25 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2006
Oh...My...God...

Why do I see my husband and Ron doing this?

Posted by Ellen at 09:15 PM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2006
Can-can Your Can-Can

Tatterdemalian gets a no-prize that hops about and shows its bloomers for bringing us news of the latest in "creative dance" fitness trends:

That old vaudeville staple, burlesque, is fast becoming a workout of choice for women across the nation as the lost art of the striptease finds renewed popularity in clubs from New Orleans to Los Angeles.

Ok, so it's not really a hopping dance line a-la the 19th century. I just liked the image!

Posted by scott at 10:15 AM eMail this entry!
March 20, 2006
Attack and Counter-Attack

Something tells me this is the shape of things to come in my life:

An exasperated father has discovered to his cost that cyberspace is not the ideal arena for family feuds. Two weeks ago Steve Williams became so fed up with his daughter's messy bedroom that he built a website featuring pictures of his slothful offspring's lair in an attempt to shame her into action.

But the public humiliation proved a short-lived victory. While it did spur his daughter, Claire, into tidying up her room, it also whet her appetite for revenge. With the help of her father's friends, the 20-year-old business student has now set up a rival website that displays photos of him in a variety of compromising situations.

Olivia's just getting to the point of understanding what "clean up" means. Of course, this understanding usually takes the form of her telling us what, when, and where to clean up. This is currently amusing coming from a pixie-voiced not-quite-three-year-old, but probably won't be for much longer.

Considering that Olivia has her own entry in the dictionary under "willfull", I have a feeling getting her on the "pick up after yourself" wagon will be a challenge.

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2006
NOOOOOO!!!!

chickenegg.jpg

A very chicky No-Prize to my Mom for this picture!

Posted by Ellen at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2006
BGOK!!!

Bok, bok, BGOK!!!

A very clucky No-Prize to Joshua!

Posted by Ellen at 05:24 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2006
You Gotta be Kidding Me

Military buffs (regardless of their stance on the Iraq war) should take care not to drink anything while reading this prediction of apocalypse from none other than everyone's favorite boat captain, Gary Hart, lest they risk blowing it out their nose from laughter:

Recently one of Islamic Shi'ites' most revered sites, the golden mosque at Samarra, was destroyed by sectarian enemies. By this act and the reprisals that followed, Iraq moved a substantial step closer to civil war. Though a remote, but real, possibility, an Iraqi civil war could cost the United States its army.

Yup, you heard right folks, not a squad, not a platoon, not a brigade, but the whole frigging army. Gone. Poof. No more. Cease to be. To become, as they say, an "ex-army". You know, the one with all the tanks, jets, missles, smart bombs, APCs, and machine guns? The one with command and control so sophisticated and expensive the natives think it's flat magic? Lost to a bunch of loosely controlled mobs with AK-47s and RPGs?

The comments are an even bigger scream. Does anyone on the fringe left know anything about how a modern army works? What it's vulnerable to? What its strengths are? Here's a hint: it ain't hajji popping up behind a Toyota spanging an RPG off an Abrams. It ain't a hundred of them. Or a thousand.

Personally, I'm with Jason, the guy has simply lost his mind.

Posted by scott at 04:02 PM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2006
ZING!!
Posted by Ellen at 09:21 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Jesus Christ, White Courtesy Phone Please

While not as famous as water to wine, this'll definitely do:

A woman thought she was in heaven when beer instead of water flowed from the taps in her apartment in west Norway.

"I turned on the tap to clean some knives and forks and beer came out," Haldis Gundersen told Reuters from her home in Kristiansund, west Norway. "We thought we were in heaven."

Where's my passport?

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2006
Hee!

03-01-2006.gif
Posted by scott at 04:06 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2006
When Tattoos Attack

Props to the artist, that's for sure:

A Framingham man arrested in May on gun charges after police found an exact tattoo of the weapon, down to the serial number, on his hip was sentenced to five years in prison after he pleaded guilty to 10 charges.

They didn't say what the gun was though. What guy talks about guns without throwing a lot of letters and numbers around in the process?!?

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2006
Achtung! Zoom Und Zoom!

A jet engine means never having to say you're sorry:

What can you do with a GE Model T58-8F helicopter turboshaft engine, converted to jet? With Ron Patrick’s custom VW Beetle you can have lots and lots of dangerous fun exploiting all 1350 horsepower.

Something tells me that, with the intake positioned inside the car literally inches from the driver, holding a conversation in this thing would be a challenge. But boy that afterburner sure would be nice to use on tailgaters during rush hour!

Posted by scott at 03:46 PM eMail this entry!
When Spell Check Attacks

Proofreading? We don't need no stinkin' proofreading:

Spell-checking on his computer is never going to be the same for Santa Cruz solo practitioner Arthur Dudley.

In an opening brief to San Francisco's 1st District Court of Appeal, a search-and-replace command by Dudley inexplicably inserted the words "sea sponge" instead of the legal term "sua sponte," which is Latin for "on its own motion."

Hilarity, as they say, insued. Lawyers with a sense of humor. What is the world coming to?

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2006
Big Surprise
You Are 78% Evil
You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.
Posted by Ellen at 06:54 PM eMail this entry!
Well, They're not Gonna Build Themselves

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "the grays never offer me a ride... they just show off all the shiny bits, stick a few things up my rear, and then drop me off without so much as a 'fair-thee-well'. I want to see the universe! What can I do?"

Fear not, gentle probe victim, AMCGLTD is here to help! Presenting How to Build a UFO, your one-stop-shop for everything unidentified and flying. From creating the shell to special weapons and propulsion, it's got everything a budding intergalactic explorer needs to pester remote farmers and credulous new-agers. Don't delay! The next probe you stop could be your own!

Posted by scott at 12:44 PM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2006
That's Just not Right

Joshua gets an extremely inappropriate no-prize for bringing us "The Passion of Benny Hill". I have a feeling his convenient disbelief in an afterlife will not prevent eternal damnation after this. See you there!

Posted by scott at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2006
What He Said

We haven't commented on the whole Muslim cartoon thing because... well, mostly because we're lazy and hadn't gotten around to it but also because eventually someone would do a better job of it. Which, of course, they have. I need to get some of those little signs...

Via On the Third Hand.

Posted by scott at 10:02 AM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2006
Well that Didn't Take Long

Tacky tacky tacky.

Actually, it amazes me that after all this time we are still talking about this incident.

Via Siflay

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
Personally, I think "Nighthawk" is a Better Name for Them

Fark linked up this amusing little auction tidbit:

1997 General Lee-Roy Metro Geo. One of a kind. Runs Great. Thousands invested! 35 MPG! WOW!!! This baby will get MORE attention than a 69 Charger. Has a working Dixie horn with 118 dcb. ( Thats loud ). Tires are in new condition. Headlights faded, I hear you can get them polished for about 30 bucks. If you are the winning bidder I will throw in a GIT-R-DONE hat for free. Also comes with a Good Ole Boy CD...

3 cylinders, as I recall, and maybe 55 hp. Hey, it beats the hell out of walking!

Posted by scott at 09:55 AM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2006
If Only it were Just Birthday Parties

You mean everyone doesn't do this???

They already have their own designer clothes, health insurance and therapists and now more and more American pets are enjoying their own birthday parties as well .

A surprising number of pet owners host birthday parties - complete with party hats, cake and guests for their dogs, cats and birds, a survey by California-based Veterinary Pet Insurance says.

I think it's more a measure of how many couples don't have children than it is anything to do with how loopy Americans are.

Posted by scott at 09:01 AM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2006
It's Only Funny When You Watch It...
Posted by Ellen at 08:46 PM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2006
Fun with Fields

Fark linked up this example of what farmers do in their spare time. Actually, I'm surprised it's taken this long for someone to use Google's satellite imagery to find crop circles and the like.

Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2006
Putting Your Money where Your Wackiness Is

Fark linked up news that a church famous for its helio-centric beliefs is offering $1,000 to anyone who can prove them wrong. Of course, proving the Earth does in fact revolve around the Sun to people who believe the opposite due to sheer bloody-mindedness faith is probably more challenging than it would at first appear.

Then again, I need a new receiver for my stereo rig. Time to put in an application!

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2006
Playing with Fire

Lisa gets a roundish no-prize on a string for bringing us yet another Darwin Award near-miss:

A would-be Super Bowl reveler thought he could fill a balloon with a welding gas and blast it at a party, instead it exploded in his car, busting out windows, bending doors outwards, and pushing up the roof about a foot, sheriff's deputies said Monday.

With pictures!

Posted by scott at 11:57 AM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2006
No Wonder They're Wound so Tight

It took me watching all the way to the end of this "how to eat sushi" film to decide if it was a parody or not. I'm pretty sure it's fake, but with the Japanese it's sometimes hard to tell.

Posted by scott at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2006
This has it all Over Those Big Foam Fingers

Leave it to the Germans:

Hundreds of fans of German club Borussia Dortmund waved huge inflatable penises at local rivals Schalke 04 on Saturday above an abusive message for their hosts.

Boy, am I ever so glad football season is over. Hopefully by the time it comes around again, certain people will have forgotten all about it.

Posted by scott at 03:31 PM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2006
At Least it's not Another Barbie Movie

Outrage! Disgust! Calumny!

A mum bought her children a cartoon on DVD as a treat - but was horrified to find it actually contained a hardcore pornographic film.

Fatima Laaroussi, of Barton Hill, bought a copy of My Little Pony - The Movie from Woolworths' branch in the Mall Galleries shopping centre in Broadmead.
...
Mrs Laaroussi says she feels lucky the children grew bored with the adult content of the film and switched it off after just a few minutes.

Oh don't get me wrong, I would've popped it out just as quick as possible too. Hell, we don't listen to Stern on satellite when Olivia's in the car.

It's hard enough to keep her from swearing as it is.

Posted by scott at 02:14 PM eMail this entry!
So Much for the Party

Because if we were to follow these rules for who not to invite, basically nobody would make it. Even us.

Jeeze dude, annoying the TruFans is half the fun!

Posted by scott at 10:15 AM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2006
How... Thoughtful...

Joshua gets a cute but somehow wrong no prize for bringing us these rather unique toys.

No, Olivia doesn't want one. I asked.

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
Ellen will Probably Want the Shoes

Ron gets a no-prize with a convenient wire attachment for bringing us the top 10 weirdest USB devices ever. Warmed my heart to see our previously featured mini-SAM kit made the list. I still gotta get me one of those.

Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2006
... and Business is Good

Well, you gotta find him somehow:

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. - The business cards got a response, but surely not what their owner had in mind when he had them printed up.
...
[Maj. Patrick Kitchens of the Leavenworth Police Department] said the business card had an image of what appeared to be an alarm clock being hit by a boxing glove and said: "For a quick hit on time call the boss."

This isn't as uncommon as one would think. More than twenty years ago a relative of mine took bets on horse races from local folks and routed them to a bookie located in a nearby town. That guy had business cards and an 800 number.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
A Tank, for the Rest of Us

Damion gets a no-prize fo-shizzle for bringing us the ultimate "pimp-my-ride" vehicle. Actually, it's not a helluva lot different than the stuff my brother drives around every day. Well, except for the gun.

I think.

Posted by scott at 09:44 AM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2006
True Woman, True Fan

Having lived with a woman in the late stages of pregnancy, I can say this would be plenty reason enough to finish up early:

A pregnant Steelers fan is not letting the birth of her baby get in the way of the Super Bowl celebrations.

She convinced her doctor to induce her early, so she'll be home in time to watch the Super Bowl with all of her friends.

Yeah, that's it. She just wanted to watch the ball game. Getting rid of a squirming multi-pound mass that's been stomping on her insides for the past few months doesn't factor in at all.

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2006
Coincidence? I Think Not!
Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
Fear and Nerding

Slashdot (of course) linked up this positively brilliant video satire of "elite" role-play gamers. I'd like to think I wasn't that nerdy when I was in college. Of course, I also like to think I am God's gift to womankind.

Prevarication, in cases like this, is always a positive.

I also liked this comment from the Slashdot article: "I have to admit, the best thing about being a geek/nerd is that I love to see myself made fun of. I absolutely die laughing and love it. Any other stereotype gets offended whenever you make fun of them. And if you can't be lighthearted about everything, then you're going to have a hell of a time making it through life."

Yeah, it's a little like that. Well, a lot like that, actually.

An alternate method of accessing the video is here.

Posted by scott at 10:15 AM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2006
With In-laws Like This...

Suzanne gets a naughty no-prize for bringing us this classic "close call" joke.

Oh be quiet. I saw you smile.

Posted by scott at 10:51 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2006
Couldn't be any Dumber than Those Chewing Gum Kids

Two words: Fish. School. No, no, not "school of". Just, like, school. For fish.

What's next? Vo-tech for hermit crabs?

Posted by scott at 02:01 PM eMail this entry!
A Loon with a Shotgun is Still a Loon to Me

Maybe now you'll agree she's nuts:

And about Bill Clinton . . . . You know, I really think he should have been impeached, but not for a blow job. His policies are responsible for killing more Iraqis that George Bush. [-- Cindy Sheehan]

Just take aim and fire away dear. Eventually you'll end up hitting something important. Maybe.

As far as I'm concerned the whole Sheehan debacle had far less to do with a mother mourning her son than it did with a press corps getting dragged out into the middle of Texas for a month.

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2006
Leave it to a Marine

To come up with some very tacky T-shirt slogans:

... "Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]...

I've seen a few of these available here in the states, but I do agree with Jason that if this really is a problem it's probably a good thing someone's taking steps. It's one thing to offend some soft-headed liberal arts & crafts sophomore at an anti-war rally in Berkeley. It's quite another to offend an Arab holding an AK-47.

Posted by scott at 01:15 PM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2006
Not So Smooth Sailing

Fark linked up news Howard Stern's replacement in the New York area isn't doing so well:

My sources at 92.3 Free FM - formerly K-Rock - tell me that the former Van Halen front man and his manager, Matt Sencio, "are totally out of control and out of their league when it comes to producing a radio show," as one disgruntled employee put it.

Roth's had a reputation for being like this for years and years, so I guess I'm surprised that anyone is actually surprised.

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2006
Of Course, this Implies They were Actually Working

Ca-runch:

Lodi resident Curtis Gokey filed a claim against the city this month because his parked pickup was struck and dented by a city vehicle. Estimated damages: $3,630.48.

City officials said normally they would consider paying that type of claim, but not this time. Gokey just happened to be driving the city truck that backed into his pickup on Dec. 31 at the Municipal Service Center.

It's not quite as straightforward as the intro would have you believe, but it doesn't lack much.

Posted by scott at 04:02 PM eMail this entry!
Wasn't Me!

Dratted busybodies, always ruining a good joke:

A poster showing the backside of a naked woman created for a charity event sponsored by the Orange County Sheriff's Office prompted complaints after it was posted in public, according to a Local 6 News report.

When taken together with the poster's slogan, I thought it quite chuckle-worthy.

Oink oink oink...

Posted by scott at 12:26 PM eMail this entry!
Consumer Politics

For proof the US isn't the only country in the world with a self-contradictory citizenship, we only have to examine this Reuters news story on a recently-opened KFC in Damascus:

"To be honest we were surprised they opened this American restaurant in the midst of our political situation," said Tareq Farzat, 25, adding that he liked his Chicken Burger Combo and would definitely return to KFC with his friend Kalam.

The main difference being, I suppose, that when the self-appointed elite of this country get pissed off at the plebes, all they do is whine. Arab elite tend to have a rather different way of expressing their displeasure...

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2006
Busted! II

Heh:

A tabloid reporter has been arrested at Buckingham Palace on suspicion of falsifying details on a job application, Scotland Yard has said.

The News of the World said that its reporter Bethany Usher had been investigating palace security.

Of course, a story which reassures us all that at least some folks are on the ball about security is just not interesting enough, right?

Posted by Ellen at 08:25 PM eMail this entry!
Well, I got a Chuckle from Both

Siflay posted up this list of how to be a good Democrat. Democrats who actually read down to the bottom of the first list should be pleasantly surprised by the second.

Posted by scott at 08:58 AM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2006
The Girls of South County

When white girls dance

Dancing to "My Humps" no less! Hysterical! Not to miss!

Posted by Ellen at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2006
When Pets Reenact Horror Flicks
Posted by Ellen at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2006
Two Tastes that Taste Great Together

What better place for a man who fakes cloning results than a cult which fakes cloning results:

South Korean cloning expert Hwang Woo-suk, a science superstar disgraced when his pioneering stem cell research was unmasked as a hoax, has a new job offer from a UFO cult that says it has produced six human clones.

Clonaid, a company linked to a group that believes humans were cloned from prehistoric alien visitors to Earth, said it had offered him a post in one of its laboratories.

Perfect!

Posted by scott at 02:36 PM eMail this entry!
But are You... Experienced?

Oh have you ever been experienced?

The Holy Land Experience is a living, biblical history museum that takes you 7,000 miles away and 2,000 years back in time to the land of the Bible. Its unique combination of sights, sounds, and tastes stimulate your senses and blend together to create a spectacular, new experience. But above all, beyond the fun and excitement, it is our sincere hope that you will see God and His World exalted -- that you will be encouraged in your search for enduring truth and the ultimate meaning of life. The Holy Land Experience is a Bible-believing, Christ-centered ministry.

But not, it would appear, one which believes in using text in web pages. Who the heck told them God wanted it all in .gif files?

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
January 16, 2006
Chicken Little's Revenge

In a nutshell: Maybe if I say disaster is inevitable, you'll listen:

We are in a fool's climate, accidentally kept cool by smoke, and before this century is over billions of us will die and the few breeding pairs of people that survive will be in the Arctic where the climate remains tolerable.

Or, at least, buy my book:

My new book The Revenge of Gaia expands these thoughts, but you still may ask why science took so long to recognise the true nature of the Earth...

I can remember reading The Late Great Planet Earth, and then hearing a lot about The Population Bomb. Both predicted imminent apocalypse in a sort of right-left tennis match of doom and gloom, both settling on a time between 1983 and 1992 for the final volley. As with essentially all predictions of this sort, history obstinately refused to end, as it will again today.

The advent of market economics and modern weaponry have made western civilization remarkably resilient. We ceased being vulnerable to outside human forces perhaps five centuries ago, and to outside environmental ones perhaps four after that. If the 20th century proved anything it proved the only time we're now in real danger is when we actualy listen to people who predict apocalypse and try to act on their "exclusive, imperative" solutions.

If Christianity hadn't grown up as Rome was falling to ruin, I often wonder if we would be quite this fascinated with the end times. Certainly no great Eastern religion is so luridly in love with its own demise.

But if you actually do believe this tripe, by all means buy the book, build a shelter, stockpile to your heart's content. You'll at least be keeping one old British coot off the street and providing jobs to who knows how many survivalist industries in the meantime. And maybe the rest of us will finally get some peace.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2006
Speaking of "Pot"

News: Members of congress visit foreign country on a fact-finding mission to discuss trade and security matters.

Punch line: They're Democrats, and they're visiting Jamaica.

Oh I know the Repubs are in a lot more trouble over stuff like this, but you only point this out because you don't remember what the Democratic congress that came before it was like. Or the Republican one before that. Or the Democratic one before that.

See a pattern here?

Posted by scott at 07:53 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2006
I'm so Glad this is Fiction
Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
Thank You for Sharing

“It’s 40 years of owning a vagina and everything that happens as a result of it.”

Well, if two Australian guys can have a hit show running around naked playing with their wangs, I can't see why a woman can't at least talk about her privates. I think the different approaches to the subject are rather illustrative... revealing, even.

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
January 12, 2006
When Continuity Attacks

Lists of film goofs are pretty common, but this was the first one I'd found which actually had the pictures. I knew about the Storm Trooper bonk (letterbox edition only, as I recall), but the rest were all new to me. As complex as movie making is nowadays, I'm amazed this doesn't happen more often.

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2006
Well duh

I mean, nobody can seriously be surprised at the results of a Google image search for "women drivers", can they?

Oink oink oink...

Posted by scott at 02:34 PM eMail this entry!
You Gotta be Kidding Me

Not that there's anything wrong with that:

Welcome to the world of Lesbian and Gay Square Dance!

The IAGSDC is an umbrella organization supporting gay and lesbian Modern Western Square Dance clubs in the United States, Canada, Japan and Denmark.

I think we can now call it official... there really is a club out there for anything.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
iGeiger? GeigerPod?

From the "too-much-time-on-their-hands" category we have someone who mounted their iPod inside a Geiger counter case. I wonder if it pops and clicks more as it gets closer to a Windows machine? Maybe Hi-Fi rig?

Posted by scott at 09:41 AM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2006
Mouse Follow-Up

Turns out the mouse which set fire to an old guy's house, well, didn't. Not surprised, but a bit disappointed. Sometimes the world is just too normal.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2006
Surge Parking

I dunno, to me parking anywhere near anything called "Amazonas" is sorta asking for it. While I've done a lot of dumb things to cars, getting them wet (so far) isn't one of them. Which usually means it's only a matter of time, of course.

Posted by scott at 10:30 AM eMail this entry!
For Alternative Religions, Please Press Star Now

Catholics in the audience should get a chuckle out of the confessional of tomorrow. Fortunately, there are no choices for "eternal damnation".

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2006
How Special...

For the pervs in your life who have everything, a do-it-yourself wang casting kit. For chocolate, no less.

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2006
Keys are Your Friend

Sometimes you just gotta wonder about people:

An artist who chained his legs together to draw a picture of the image hopped 12 hours through the desert after realizing he lost the key and couldn't unlock the restraints, authorities said Wednesday.

Alternate title: When modern art attacks.

Posted by scott at 01:04 PM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2006
Explain that One to Your Insurance

Well, being Canadian, this guy doesn't have to:

Police in a Vancouver suburb reminded residents on Tuesday it was not a good idea to play with a loaded gun while using the bathroom, after a man accidentally shot himself.

Multitasking in the bathroom is when you read about guns, not play with them.

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
Well Whaddaya Know?

I don't know how this one got past us:

Mooning Deemed 'Disgusting' but No Crime in Md.

Acquitting a Germantown man who exposed his buttocks during an argument with a neighbor, a Montgomery County Circuit Court judge ruled yesterday that mooning, while distasteful, is not illegal in Maryland.

Not illegal, no, but it's still probably a crime, against nature if nothing else. Heh...

Posted by scott at 09:34 AM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2006
Best. Dialog. Evar.

From last night's Scrubs episode (click the link if you don't already know who these people are):

Carla: "I just want a baby so bad"

Turk: "I know, I know. Sometimes I wonder, you know, what it would be like, having one?"

Carla: "Perry said it was like having a dog... that slowly learns to talk."

-----
Talking is the easy part. It's getting them to fetch that's the trick.

Oh sit down Grammas... it's a joke.

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
Going Postal

Been around awhile, but I'd never seen it: is there anything our Post Office won't deliver? In spite of its less-than-stellar reputation, the results were actually pretty good.

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2006
I Don't Think that Means What You Think it Means

Sometimes no comment is needed:

Soldiers in Iraq will get a taste of Cincinnati when they receive 10 cornhole sets made by a Reading soldier's family and painted by students.

Don't look at me man, I had to read the article to figure out what they were really talking about. Don't mind the noise, that was just Ron passing out from hyperventilating "hehehehehehehehehehe's".

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
January 02, 2006
Why didn't We Think of This?

See Ellen, I told you you should've called me when it was time to take the Christmas tree down! Wanton distruction, dangerous pyrotechnics, and Christmas. What's not to love?

Posted by scott at 02:21 PM eMail this entry!
PUT THE CRAYON DOWN. YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS TO COMPLY

Steve gets a laser-guided no-prize for bringing us the ultimate in disciplinary devices. Ellen's mom's tool of choice was a wooden spoon too. Lord knows what she would've done with this thing.

Latest Olivia conversation: Me: "Olivia, how about we go visit Chucky Cheese?"

Olivia: "No, daddy. Stay home here watch movie Barbie allll day."

She is, after all, my child.

Well, except for the Barbie part. No, really!

Posted by scott at 02:05 PM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2005
Two Cows Walk into the Desert

Mahmood brings us both insight and humor with this list of what various Arab countries would do with two cows. Laughing while learning is the best way!

Posted by scott at 02:49 PM eMail this entry!
On the 12th Day, NO RESERVE!!!

Better late than never, the 12 days of E-bay Christmas. My mom could probably predict, with great accuracy, which sellers had bad feedback just from the descriptions.

Via SFD.

Posted by scott at 02:33 PM eMail this entry!
Damned Kids and Their New-Fangled Gadgets

Welcome to the 21st century's version of sitting too close to the TV:

All those ears ringing from newly gifted iPods and MP3 players may not be able to hear next year's Christmas bells as well if music lovers aren't careful, hearing specialists are warning.

"We're seeing the kind of hearing loss in younger people that's typically found in aging adults,'' said Dean Garstecki, an audiologist and professor at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.

Press release journalism at its best. The quote, in particular, sounds exactly like what was being said when Walkman-style tape players became popular back in (good lord) the early 1980s. We all seem to have turned out just fine.

From my perspective, it's not getting kids to pull out their earbuds that's the problem, it's getting my parents to put in their damned hearing aids.

Posted by scott at 02:04 PM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2005
Well Ours Think They Are

Ron gets a mewling no-prize for bringing us the latest "it's a mountain lion! No! No! It's a housecat!" story. As I recall, the last one we linked up was also from Britain. I wonder what their damned housecats actually look like!

Posted by scott at 12:46 PM eMail this entry!
December 27, 2005
Tacky is...

... in the eye of the beholder, as this collection of "creative" Christmas light displays attests.

Oh don't look at me. Ellen's had an inflatable decoration on our front lawn for each season since Halloween. The latest is an 8-foot Rudolph. The first time Olivia saw it she said, "Oh wow daddy, would you look at that!" Now it lies deflated on the lawn, causing our yard-long sage to comment, "oh no, Rudolph fall down!"

Posted by scott at 12:20 PM eMail this entry!
Set Mouth = Open; InsertFoot(Mouth);

Slashdot linked up this amusing collection of the best tech CEO quotes of 2005. Nice to see there's still an industry or two with a little color in it, even if that color is a bit, well, stupid.

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2005
When Signs are... Rrmm... Japanese

Ron gets a creative no-prize for reminding us of the latest post in our "American-in-Japan" series:

A horse on the cover of a package of large-sized condoms. Boy, they certainly got straight to the point there. What I wouldn't give to have been able to sit in on that corporate meeting...

Company President: Ok, we need an image for our box cover...something that grabs people's attention...
Executive: Hmm...well, horses have large penises. Why not use a horse? President: That's...brilliance!

Personally, I like the picture on the doggy-poo bag best.

Posted by scott at 07:02 PM eMail this entry!
December 23, 2005
~ It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Moon-Bats ~

~Twirling 'round their bells ~:

The 3rd Annual 10 Worst Quotes From The Democratic Underground For 2005

Honorable Mention: C_U_L8R: (Republicans are) Pure Concentrated Evil. false christians filled with hate and fear who desire to put the world in bondage and extract all the value and profit they can from their spoils of their pillage. May they all suffer unfortunate doom.

I think the ones who've figured out that GW is responsible for the Kennedy assassination are particuarly delightful.

Sad to say, I have a feeling there are some bloggers out there who won't get the joke.

Posted by scott at 02:19 PM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2005
I Guess We Should Call Them "Pastamentalists"

Just when you thought it was safe to take pictures of food again:

DG Underwire, San Diego - The Flying Spaghetti Monster and his following, the pastafarians, have set up camp out side the home of Da Goddess.

Outraged over her revealing photographs of tortellini, the Spaghetti Monster alerted his minions to stand together against the photographer, calling her work "unspeakable, exploitive, crude, tasteless, vulgar, bordering on criminal."

Crashingly awful pun from Joshua in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 11:54 AM eMail this entry!
Pasta, for the Rest of Us

Wired is carrying this article updating the goings-on surrounding the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This satirical reply to Intelligent Design proponents has taken on a life of its own, with web sites, merchandising, and even an upcoming book in the works.

Unfortunately, as with all satire, the targets almost certainly won't get it.

Posted by scott at 09:30 AM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2005
NASA Has Crabs!

nasacrab Medium Web view.jpg

Possibly the best custom designed shell yet! Even Scott would appreciate this one.

Posted by Ellen at 05:18 PM eMail this entry!
That's Mister Frosty to You, Bub

I always suspected all that darkness and snow made Alaskans a little... quirky. Now I have proof:

With the help of his kids and neighbors, Billy Ray Powers built more than just a snowman, they've dubbed his 16-plus-foot-tall creation 'Snowzilla.'

With picture!

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2005
Personal Injury in a Can

Ok, this seals it. Sharper Image is where rich people go to hurt themselves in creative ways:

The revolutionary new FlyBar™ delivers a gravity-defying, trampoline-emulating bounce far beyond that of ordinary pogo sticks. Rather than hopping just inches into the air, this "mobile exercise and stunt bar" lets you fly to unprecedented heights of five feet!

And I thought razor scooters were dangerous...

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
December 19, 2005
Ok That's Just Not Cool

Placed here because the ads at orsm pretty much define NSFW. Sometimes not even SF-stomach

rs0010.jpg

Posted by Ellen at 03:47 PM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2005
The Sound of One Loon Flapping

Liz over at I Speak of Dreams recently provided a nice roundup of reasons why C.S. Lewis is the "single most useful tool of Satan since his appearance in the Christian community sometime around World War II". If you're a raving Christian wack-job, that is.

Click the link first before you start thinking I'm talking about Liz.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
Unintended Consequences

PROBLEM: A fragile ecosystem is being damaged by a burgeoning population.

TYPICAL LIBERAL SOLUTION: Enact federal regulations to ensure the environment is protected, and enforce those rules with powerful regulatory boards.

RESULT: Death becomes illegal:

There's no more room to bury the dead, they can't be cremated and laws forbid a new cemetery. So the mayor of this Brazilian farm town has proposed a solution: outlaw death.
...
The bill, which sets no penalty for passing away, is meant to protest a federal law that has barred a new or expanded cemetery in Biritiba Mirim, a town of 28,000 people 45 miles east of Sao Paulo.

I sometimes think people will eventually learn their lesson. Then I look at the likes of moveon.org, the Democratic Underground, and Earth First and realize there's nothing quite as ignorant as a person who refuses to understand.

Posted by scott at 08:37 AM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2005
Dead Again

So just how many times has actor X been offed in the movies? Not only has someone already asked this question, it's even been answered. I don't know who half those people are!

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2005
Dear Friends for the Holidays

Pat gets a holly-jolly no-prize for bringing us a letter pretty much everyone could send:

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the last year. Because of your concern:

* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

There's a certain irony I will let pass with minimal comment when I consider who sent me this message. :)

Posted by scott at 01:08 PM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2005
The More You Know, II...

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I'm surrounded by sin and inequity. The bubbling cauldron of foul immorality that is modern society has demons jumping out at me from every corner. Just the other day my very own dog spun his head around twice and coated the living room in pea soup! I can't sleep from all my child's stuffed toys's chanting! I'm deeply afraid it could all lead to dancing! What am I to do?!?"

Fear not, friendly fundie, AMCGLTD is here to help! We've found this extremely practical guide to casting out demons in the name of Christ. From teamwork tips to cool questions, it's got everything a budding exorcist needs to toss those demons right out of your hair! Don't delay, the soul you save could be your own!

Posted by scott at 10:00 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2005
A Career, for the Rest of Us

Hey, gotta make a living somehow:

Fancy a change of career? Well, if you've got more than $100k hanging around doing nothing, and have always fancied going into the movie business, then point your browser at eBay in the US where someone is flogging an entire porn company - lock, stock and (judging by the description) plenty of smoking barrels.

I think that pretty much makes it official... you really can get anything on e-bay, if you're willing to wait long enough.

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
Fido Calling

For the dog owner with everything, we now have cellphones for their pooch:

Hung off Fido's collar, the PetCell is a bone-shaped cell phone that will let dog owners talk to their best friend over a two-way speaker.

Developed by PetsMobility, the PetCell works with standard cellular networks and has its own number. It automatically answers when the owner punches in a code on their telephone keypad that means, "Lassie, come home!

At $300 or more, I'm not sure just how many they'll sell. Then again, I didn't think premium pet clothes would do well...

Posted by scott at 09:47 AM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2005
You Play Your Way, I'll Play Mine

It took me awhile to figure out what was wrong with this book's cover, but once I did I got a chuckle. Hey, nobody said I was clever.

Posted by scott at 01:58 PM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2005
Good Tidings To You, You @#$# !#@!#'er

Foamy the neurotically hilarious squirrel has (surprise surprise) something to say about the yuletide season. For those not already familiar with him, please note if the rapid-fire delivery of a helium-voiced dose of commentary and creative profanity would get you in trouble at work, use headphones or wait until you're home.

I especially liked the commentary about "tolerance" myself.

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
*Crunch*

Every time Ellen starts going on about rednecks, I'm able to find things like two New Yorkers trying to use a toll lane at once.

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2005
But Momm!!!

There are times when being rational and negotiating is appropriate with children. There are also times when they just need a smack on the butt. Guess which one this is?

Also nice to see not all 9 year olds are good enough to wax me in an online shooter.

Note: If a whiney snot shouting obscenities would get you in trouble at work, either wear headphones or wait until you get home.

Posted by scott at 02:24 PM eMail this entry!
Ah, the Taste of Shoe Leather

Now that Terrell Owens is finally fading from view, it would seem football sports casters have literally run out of things to fuss about. Their latest controversy? An off-the cuff remark by an ESPN reporter who said Indianapolis Colts were piping in noise to make the stadium louder.

Put the boom box down, Ron... the Cowboys can't hear you from here.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2005
Speaking of Whiney Bitches...

Making the rounds: A political has-been doesn't like what Wikipedia has to say about him, so he finds the biggest megaphone he can get his hands around and uses it to scream to the world about the injustice. Instead of, you know, fixing the goddamned article himself which is after all the whole point of Wikipedia.

Reading the article, I get the impression this guy is the kind of person who'd hold up an entire checkout line for hours just because his can of peaches rang up 5 cents over. I'd like to say this sort of person is more prevalent on the other side of the isle, but in truth I know they hang out along the edges of all our camp fires.

It's our job to make sure they never get to play with the flame.

Posted by scott at 11:56 AM eMail this entry!
Press What?

Been around awhile it seems, but I'd never seen it before: Abbot and Costello in the computer store:

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

The scary thing is how closely this resembles most of my support calls.

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2005
Must. Keep. Eyes. Front.

There's sand sculpture, and then there's sand sculpture.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2005
Crossing Dressers

Everyone's favorite Saudi gadfly is at it again, this time explaining, among other things, a rather different reason for cross-dressing:

For newer readers, it goes like this - the only women whose faces an adult male will see, are those of close female relatives that he cannot marry, like his mother or his sisters. Now one way he can look at Saudi girls' unveiled faces, is to get his parents to start matchmaking for him. However he will only get to see two or three at most, before he is expected to agree to marry one. The easier way to see many girls' faces is to kit yourself up in an abaya (long black shroud) and niqab (veil), and start wandering around a girls' school, because they go around unveiled in there.

Where there's a will...

Posted by scott at 01:17 PM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2005
Where's the Enrollment Form?
Posted by scott at 03:30 PM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2005
Not Quite a Mermaid...

...but I'd take it:

Christmas came early last week for Irish fishermen who hauled up an unexpected present in their nets while fishing off the English coast, writes Seán Mac Connell, Agriculture Correspondent.

The Dunmore East prawn fishermen discovered that their catch included bottles of Carolans Irish Cream liqueur from the seabed.

No, I'd never heard of that brand either, but apparently it's both good and valuable. I wonder where that Irish Coffee recipie I had has got to?

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2005
Bad Santa

Yup, as owner of an example of said item, I definitely agree this is a very nice list of very bad gifts to give a 2 year old. Olivia would probably disagree, especially about the hammer.

Posted by scott at 12:19 PM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2005
Numbers Dancing Around

I only wish they didn't put up the A+ graphic. Raised my hopes. I did, at least, pass the dratted thing, but only after much scribbling and scratching. Remember folks, numbers in my head don't work the way they do in yours.

You Passed 8th Grade Math
Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

Via Drumwaster, who didn't miss a single one. Bah.

Posted by scott at 03:35 PM eMail this entry!
We're from the Government and We're here to Help

By making sure you know the correct way to address a letter to Santa. And God, too.

I bet return postage is a real b*tch on those letters.

Posted by scott at 12:17 PM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2005
Best Quote Evar

""I am all for people keeping mobile but not at the expense of driving like some septuagenarian Ralph Schumacher." -- Councillor Richard Fulford-Brown, Fylde Borough, UK, on the growing numbers of senior citizens who are using their electric scooters to mow down pedestrians at the beach resort area.

Posted by scott at 09:02 AM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2005
Disco Dork?

Dance like nobody's watching. Except I think people were watching. Meh, who cares. Boogie!

Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
A Beer, for the Rest of Us

Not content with just adding caffeine to beer, the boys over at ThinkGeek had to take it just that one more step:

Why? Because our in staff beer chemists took the finest India Pale Ale (brewed with the choicest hops from Belgium farms), carefully added 220 milligrams of caffeine per sixteen ounce bottle, and, through a patent pending process known as 'Glow Stuff Insertion', they then inserted glow stuff. The result is a stimulating depressant which looks like runoff from Three Mile Island but tastes just like beer with caffeine and glow stuff in it!

Yeah, well, I get in enough trouble spilling the regular stuff on the floor. Gonna hafta pass. I wonder if it makes your pee glow in the dark?

Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2005
And so do I

An oldie but a goodie: God Hates Shrimp. I love the church sign!

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2005
Foooo....

Azrael is at it again, this time detailing just how utterly f-d up Japan can really be:

Probably the most popular act in Japan right now is a guy who calls himself "Razor Ramon Hard Gay"...he wears studded black leather, and goes around saying stuff like "Hard Gay Power! Fooooooo!" and dry humping as many random people and objects as he possibly can. And no, I'm not making this up.
...
Anyway, Hard Gay is loved by many in Japan, adults and children alike. ....Wait, what? Kids? Yessiree Bob, kids follow the Hard Gay phenomenon as well. Although my kids haven't been prone to anything other that a few random "Fooooooo!"'s here and there, some of my friends who work in elementary schools tell me that it is not at all uncommon to see a little kid run down the hallway screaming "Foooooooo!", or to catch a little boy or girl dry humping the ever-loving bejeezus out of something.

It's called culture shock for a reason.

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
The More You Know...

There's not a guy over 14 in the audience who doesn't wish he'd read this sooner:

It’s very common fact these days that many guys acquire a certain amount of pornography when they are single. Whether it might be a couple of issues of Playboy, or DVD volumes 1 through 267 of the No Man's Land series, the single male pornography symbiosis works in perfect harmony until a woman enters the picture. This is indeed a very scary time for the male of the species. Hopefully, this article will offer a little insight on this chaotic period in the dating cycle.
...
Another tragic situation can occur when the woman circumvents the rules of society and finds the precious stash too early by snooping, or what women call an "accident" while "cleaning your room/computer/hunting lodge." This woman may be uncultured, or she just may be the psychotic type discussed later. Either way it’s a warning to you when your lady doesn't respect the sanctity of a man and his porn. The best way to avoid either kind of tragedy is to have the porn conversation before going nuts and throwing out your stash or before the lady feels comfortable enough to go through your stuff...

Article is completely safe-for-work, although it might not be so safe once your girl sees it.

Hmm? Me? You must think that the "Scott Sleeps Here" sign on the couch is just for decoration.

Posted by scott at 02:11 PM eMail this entry!
Well at Least that's Resolved

Strip, but don't spank:

Three dancers and two employees at a Jacksonville [Arkansas] strip club have pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, ending a case in which a patron filed a complaint after he was spanked with a big wooden paddle on his birthday.

Thing is, I'm pretty sure I know where this place is. It's right up the road from a hobby shop I've been visiting since I was 9 years old.

No, really!

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2005
Doh!

Like I've always said, people turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else:

Authorities on Monday said they have shut down a ring responsible for up to 10 percent of all counterfeit money in Arizona.
...
Authorities wouldn't disclose exactly how the investigation began.

However, investigators did say an Avondale couple arrested in the scheme tripped up when they sent a printer, which was jammed with counterfeit bills, out for repair.

Actually, I'm not completely surprised by this. I regularly get calls from staffers asking me to fix their computers so they'll play music CDs. I once had a staffer tell me off and hang up on me because I wouldn't help her install the "elf bowling" program her friend had sent her. It really is quite amazing.

Posted by scott at 11:48 AM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2005
Masca-wha?

Let's just say I'm glad they don't have an NFL lineup yet. It's all I can do to keep Ron from painting Olivia silver-and-blue every Sunday:

Mascotopia® products are a great way for parents, grandparents, siblings and friends to share their love for their favorite school or team with the young children in their lives. The simple concept behind our products, coupled with outstanding quality and eye-catching designs, make early learning easy and fun!

While the various websites that brought me to this one made a lot of huffy elitist "oh-my-god-what-will-the-plebes-think-of-next" noises, I can tell you this sort of thing has been around a very long time indeed. There's a picture out there somewhere of me, during a Christmas when I was not much bigger than Olivia is now, wearing (if you could call it that) a nearly full-sized Razorback football helmet. I turned out just fine.

Posted by scott at 01:10 PM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2005
Yo Yo Yo

Joshua gets a no-prize, aiight? For bringing us yet another GW rap.

Heh...

Posted by scott at 08:00 PM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2005
The Wall

Well, I'm surprised it's taken this long for someone to chronicle bathroom writings on a website. I especially liked "Jesus Saves / But Moses Invests".

Note: extremely off-color language, but no pictures of any sort.

Posted by scott at 01:03 PM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2005
Is There Anything You Can't Buy on E-Bay?

Ron gets a no-prize with strings attached for bringing us news of a rather unique auction:

For sale: house in Denver, Colorado, $600,000, complete with bride.

Jewelry manufacturer Deborah Hale, the house's owner, announced on a Web site that she is putting her home up for sale on the eBay online auction site with the twist that she comes with it.

I wonder how much a house full of incontinent cats would bring?

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2005
PwNed!

This one should make MMORPG (Everquest, etc.) players and/or students of WWII smile, while others will probably scratch their heads a bit: if WWII was an MMORPG:

*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES

Yeah, it's been around awhile, but I still get a grin every time.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2005
When Typos Attack

Joshua gets a np-prize for bringing us evidence that copy editors are, well, important:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Quaker Maid Meats Inc. on Tuesday said it would voluntarily recall 94,400 pounds of frozen ground beef panties that may be contaminated with E. coli.

Brings a whole new meaning to "edible underwear", eh?

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2005
Insert Gilligan's Island Reference Here

Olivia would have a field day:

Hundreds of wrapped animal toys have been washed up along the Sussex coast.

The pet toys - said to include dogs, reindeer, red-legged turkeys and pink hippopotamuses - were spotted at Selsey Bay, West Wittering and Climping.

They are part of a cargo of 60,000 toys, worth £100,000, lost when a ship shed four containers in rough seas on its way to Southampton on Monday.

Hey, at least it's cute pollution!

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2005
Legacy Laugh

Such is the legacy of the 42nd president of the United States. Oh be quiet. He is the one with a library that looks like a space ship crashed on a trailer.

Posted by scott at 08:23 AM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2005
Oopsie!

I hope he enjoyed that taste of shoe polish:

A question posed to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan at this morning’s “gaggle” by CBS White House correspondent John Roberts has attracted quite a bit of chatter on the Internet. Of course, the topic of the day is the Supreme Court nomination of Samuel Alito, and the question from Roberts, was, “Scott, you said that – or the President said, repeatedly, that Harriet Miers was the best person for the job. So does that mean Alito is sloppy seconds, or what?”

Of course, since he immediately apologized, the story will probably fade away in a day or two. Why politicians and celebrities still haven't worked this strategy out is beyond me.

Posted by scott at 08:33 AM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2005
When Rednecks Attack

Ron gets a ridiculously smokey no-prize for bringing us proof my brother does not in fact own the ugliest F-car* in the world. Be sure to stick around for the classic commentary. Bonus points will go to those who can name all the white-folk stereotypes who appear in the film.

Personally, I'm amazed the thing didn't catch fire.

----
* Camaro/Firebird for those not "in the know."

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
The More You Know...

Slashdot linked up news of a book containing extremely important survival instructions:

A new book by a graduate of Carnegie Mellon University's Robotics Institute is poised to make waves behind the cloistered doors of the school's famed robotics labs, and its rights have already been optioned for a Hollywood film.

It is not a sexy roman a clef or an investigative look at the school's ties to the U.S. Defense Department, but rather a humorous guidebook for battling a robot takeover of Earth.

Humor-impaired engineers and academics (one sometimes wonders if there are any other kind) at CMU predictably aren't thrilled about it. Which of course means they're in on the takeover. I knew it!

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2005
When Owners Attack

Hey, if cats can get dressed up for Halloween, so can dogs. I do remember when I once thought this was all extremely cute and very amusing.

And then I turned 10.

Oh well, whatever. Stay out of trouble, pay your taxes, none of my business, etc. etc.

Posted by scott at 07:25 AM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2005
At Least there are Girls There

While the title may indicate something really racy, Topless Halo Party Photo Album actually just proves nerds can mess anything up. Oh be quiet, I'm one too. Duh.

Site is safe for work, but perhaps not for eyes.

Posted by scott at 12:50 PM eMail this entry!
"Eye" on the Police

If you've never read the Arcata California police blotter before, you should. Where else but in a small town newspaper would you find entries like:

Saturday, October 8 1:21 p.m.
A shaven-head, bleating blith-id
With etiquette skills of a squid
Disrupted the square
And didn't quite care
Though others there certainly did.

Still doesn't make me miss small town life, but it definitely reminds me of it.

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2005
At Least as Funny as that Damned Kitty Cat Thing

Welcome to the internet, where you can be really goofy in front of billions of people. The supporting cast is priceless. Video is completely SFW.

Posted by scott at 01:10 PM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2005
Texas Terror

Instapundit has just found out there's very little Texans don't take seriously when it comes to barbeque. I especially liked this comment to Tennessean Glenn: "They [Texans] were making barbeque there when people in Tennessee were still living in trees and eating pig guts."

The brisquette served in this hole-in-the-wall place in Austin (the Foundry?) was indeed very tasty, but IMO properly prepared dry-rub pork ribs are without parallel. Then again, I drink wine out of a box, what do I know?

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
So that's Where He Ended Up

Pat gets an anonymous no-prize in the mail for letting us know the latest on everyone's favorite rich weirdo, Michael Jackson:

Authorities want Michael Jackson back in court — this time as a juror. Jackson received a jury summons at his Neverland Valley Ranch, four months after he was acquitted of child molestation charges.
...
It's unlikely that Jackson will show up for jury selection. His lawyers have filed paperwork for a deferment based on the fact that he now lives in Bahrain.

I seem to recall our fav Bahraini blogger Mahmood mentioned this, but I thought MJ was just visiting at the time.

Posted by scott at 10:22 AM eMail this entry!
When Your Cop is Also A Dancer

The Best DUI Arrest Ever!

The bad part is I know all the dance moves she made the guy do!

Posted by Ellen at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2005
Well of Course it Has to be True

Hell someone thought it was anyway:

A Bosnian pensioner who claims to have been married 162 times says he wants to marry at least another 100 women.

Nedeljko Ilincic, 75, said he first got married when he was 15 and since then it has been "just one wife after another".

The only real serial monogamist I remember was the dad of my best friend across the street, Stuart Watson. As I recall, and this is a (my God) twenty-five-year-old memory from someone who can't remember where he put his keys this morning, wife number six left Stuart's dad a completely empty house when he and Stewie went on vacation one year when I was... twelve? All that was left was a phone, which Stuart's dad used to call mine, when we lived literally across the street from each other. Such was life in early-80s America.

Stuart was a very decent but disturbed kid who taught himself the piano so well Stevie Wonder should've taken notes. As I recall he eventually checked himself into a mental hospital right around the time I graduated college. I deeply hope it all turned out well for him, but I can't be sure.

Damn... this turned all maudlin didn't it? Gah, hell with it... BOOBIES!!!

Posted by scott at 07:07 PM eMail this entry!
Sounds About Right

Of course, nobody asked what she thought:

A man sentenced to nine months house arrest begged a judge to jail him instead, because he couldn't stand his wife's nagging.

Algerian Ahmed Salhi, 24, was sentenced to a nine month curfew at home with his Italian wife in Ferrara, northern Italy.

Yet another reason to stay out of trouble!

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2005
In Praise of Ancient Gods

What would happen if Joshua and Scott were archeologists? Probably something like this. Oh don't worry, Ron's in there. It just took him a little while to see out of his left eye, sort of thing.

Oh come on, what good is it being a guy if you can't laugh at stupid stuff?

Posted by scott at 08:13 PM eMail this entry!
Crossed Up

Clever bastards, those lawyers:

Astrology would be considered a scientific theory if judged by the same criteria used by a well-known advocate of Intelligent Design to justify his claim that ID is science, a landmark US trial heard on Tuesday.

Under cross examination, ID proponent Michael Behe, a biochemist at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, admitted his definition of “theory” was so broad it would also include astrology.

Regardless of what you think is or is not correct about evolution, it is science. Regardless of what you think is or is not correct about Intelligent Design, it is not science, and therefore has no business in a science class. Science is not about being right or wrong, science is about a process that lets you falisfy conclusions through the gathering of data. Period.

Anyone who claims differently, as they say, is selling something.

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2005
Baby got Wha?

For proof that you can set anything in 4/4 time to just about any beat, we have this... alternative... rendition of the classic "Baby Got Back".

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2005
Best Tagline this Month

On another of my bike forums:

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Posted by scott at 07:53 PM eMail this entry!
Captain Obvious in a Lab Coat

News flash: groups of chimps are more aggressive than single individuals. In other news, rain is wet, the sky is blue, and Olivia likes to run around in lacy dresses every chance she gets.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
When Pretention Attacks

Fark linked up graphic evidence of what happens when a garden-variety TV newscaster gets busted trying to make things worse than they seem. But remember folks, bloggers are the real threat!

Posted by scott at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2005
What will They Think of Next?

Three words I bet you never expected to go together: musical breast implants. No, really!

This has got it all over those poofta i-pods, far as I'm concerned.

Why yes, actually, my wife is without internet access for the next two days. Why do you ask?

Posted by scott at 12:47 PM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2005
Ouch!

Lexus: 0, Snow: 1. And to think I used to enjoy standing under the eaves after a snowstorm.

Posted by scott at 03:56 PM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2005
As if Millions of Frats and Sororities Suddenly Cried out in Terror

And then were suddenly silenced:

In many cases, they're footing the bill -- so why can't parents have access to information about what their kids are up to while they're in college?

But many parents have been surprised to find out that they can't see their college students' grades and other records without the student's permission.

Now, the University of Minnesota has started providing the parents of its students online access to grades, finances and other data for the first time this fall.

Yeah, I know, privacy concerns, yadda yadda. Turns out it's all voluntary, although apparently the kids are volunteering in droves. Which is actually not much of a surprise, considering who holds the purse strings in most college-aged relationships.

Posted by scott at 03:40 PM eMail this entry!
Chili Time

Joshua linked up this fun little bit of fluff describing how someone unaccustomed to Texas-style chili might judge a "for real" cook off. Ellen still thinks chili should have beans and be made of hamburger, and no amount of convincing has changed this.

Of course, the time I set a pressure cooker on fire should have had no influence on her judgement of me as a chili cook. I mean, really...

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
A Face Only a Mother Could Lick

Yeah, you heard me right, lick:

A new baby at a Devon zoo has been attracting a lot of attention - for all the wrong reasons.

The bald truth is that Reggie the hamadryas baboon has had his hair licked off with some excessive tender loving care by his mother.

Words do not do the picture justice. Ellen used to work with baboons when she was in college, this'll surely draw a tear or two when she sees it.

Posted by scott at 08:09 AM eMail this entry!
October 12, 2005
Getting the Message Across

Pleased to be presenting most wiley Sempahore Ninja.

Yes, it's silly, but we all need a little more silliness in our life.

Well, I do anyway.

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2005
Frog is Chicken?

Making the rounds: Subway's latest sandwich ad ruffled the feathers (ha!) of the French expatriate community so much the company pulled the ad. Somehow I don't think the reaction would be quite the same were the roles to be reversed.

Via Countercolumn.

Posted by scott at 09:38 AM eMail this entry!
October 07, 2005
~ Stock Trackin' Across the Universe ~

So what would happen if you bought a stock recommended to you in a spam message? The answer is closer than you think. And, I might add, not particularly surprising.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
Olivia Would Just Point a Lot and Yell, "Sokkah Bah!"

The Religious Policeman provides some advice for making the Imam University soccer team more competitive:

But I did say that I could help them out. After all, Soccer is a game of rules. And if you can't win according to one set of rules, then you need to change to a set that you can win by. So I said I'd write them new rules that would:

  • take out all that nasty competitive stuff,
  • recognise the fact that they would soon go out into the world to promote Islam
  • avoid any comparison with decadent Western or Zionist Soccer practices
  • have any infringements judged according to Sharia Law
So here they are...

The rules are a hoot, with that great "insight-between-the-lines" you get from really good satire.

Don't forget to read all the way to the end for the real surprise!

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2005
More Movie Bunnies

This time, the bunnies take on War of the Worlds (1952 edition). Amazing what you can get across if everyone already knows what you're talking about.

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2005
It Could be Worse

Well, funny in a "glad-I-don't-know-them" kind of way:

A Romanian woman has demanded a divorce because she can't stand having lunch with her mother-in-law every day.

I get along quite well with my inlaws, crazy as they are. Ellen, likewise. It's fortunate we learned we can get along with them before they got their granddaughter *ahem* we had Olivia. Otherwise there would've been this sudden, "you like me because I'm rich, right?" sort of vibe.

Kidding! Kidding! We love all our in-laws. Really! :)

Posted by scott at 07:35 PM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2005
The Music is Addicitive Enough

I knew those damned Teletubbies were up to no good. For whatever reason (that we are truely grateful for) Olivia never picked up the TT's. She's picked up everything else though. To think all this time I never knew the words to "Head and Shoulders Knees and Toes".

Posted by scott at 02:31 PM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2005
Good Ol' Customer-Hostile Service

Ever wonder what happens to your comment cards? Well, ok, no, I didn't either, but the results are amusing nonetheless. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever filled one of those things out.

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
Choosing the Wrong Target

Sometimes you pick your battles, sometimes your battles pick you:

A German flasher's lewd antics backfired when he leaped naked out of a bush and exposed himself to a woman, only for the off-duty police officer to call for back-up and send him scrambling back into his clothes.
Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2005
And the Car Goes, "Splish Splash"

Today's "confused woman drives car into swimming pool" story brought to you by Kokomo, Washington. This lady gets bonus points for using a car she didn't even own.

Posted by scott at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2005
In a Perfect World

Jason over at Countercolumn has much better headlines than your newspaper:

Americans breathe a sigh of relief as Texans stop bragging for 5 minutes...

Louisiana residents still cursing lack of electricity... "This is the storm we've been hoping will hit Texas for years, and I can't enjoy it," says diehard LSU fan...

Floridians count blessings... Dems demand recount...

Hee!!!

Posted by scott at 06:41 PM eMail this entry!
Tackiest. Apron. Evar

The only real decision, of course, is whether Ron or Joshua should get this for a Christmas present. Considering the vodka bong is already heading J's way, I think this one'll end up as a great housewarming present for the soon-to-move Ron-man.

The whole site is a scream. The Grammas will be appalled, which is just a bonus.

Posted by scott at 02:39 PM eMail this entry!
Finally, an ad I Won't Use Tivo to Skip

And in other F-1 news, an advertisement composed by a Brazilian brothel for that country's upcoming Grand Prix race has raised a few... blood pressures:

Two high-class brothels hoping to attract racers and pit crews in Sunday's Brazilian Grand Prix were shut down after they posted sexually explicit advertisements on 30 billboards around South America's largest city.
...
The billboards showed a photo made to look like a scantily clad woman was performing fellatio on a man in a racing uniform. Captions on the advertisements said in both Portuguese and English: "Do you know what happens after the (winners') podium?."

Apparently they've been doing this for years, although I'd never heard as much as a comment about it while watching the race.

Posted by scott at 09:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 22, 2005
Joshua, We have Found Your Christmas Present

Well, except for the "I *heart* Republicans" T-shirt we bought you months ago, you'll also get this:

Bong Spirit Imported Vodka is a designer spirit beverage envisioned by a group of contemporary artists to fuse together a new wave of progressive fashion and designer attitude with an age-old Dutch product of exceptional quality.

"Contemporary artists" is to "smelly pot-smoking hippies" as "compassionate conservatives" is to "wild-eyed Christian fanatics with suits on." Meh... he'll drink it all the same. And so will we!

Hey, as long as it's not grapefruit-flavored, at least everyone will keep their clothes on!

Posted by scott at 07:02 PM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2005
Paging Beavis and Butthead, White Courtesy Phone Please

Something tells me Amber will need to put duct tape over Ron's mouth to get him to stop giggling after he reads this headline. Whoever wrote the headline has the coolest copy editor ever.

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
Even More Culture Shock

Boy, those Asians sure do know how to party. Note: Contains one mildly not-safe-for-work picture.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
September 20, 2005
Girls Gone Wild... for Charity

No, really:

Video makers notorious for filming women flashing their breasts said they will donate revenues from "Girls Gone Wild" episodes tied to Mardi Gras to the Red Cross to help Hurricane Katrina victims.

"Mardi Gras is synonymous with New Orleans and 'Girls Gone Wild' is synonymous with Mardi Gras," Bill Horn of Mantra Films, the southern California company behind "Girls Gone Wild," told AFP.

"See honey, I'm not a pig watching naked college co-eds... I'm a philanthropist watching naked college co-eds!"

Posted by scott at 03:12 PM eMail this entry!
A Problem, for the Rest of Us?

The headline says it all: Police powerless on outdoor orgies:

Dutch police and park rangers have admitted they are powerless to stop a growing trend of outdoor sex orgies.

In the latest incident, a large group of people were found romping naked on a beach in the Bussloo area of the country.

Then again, a perusal of just about any "voyeur" or "creative nude" site tends to reveal the people who most want to be seen naked are (in general) those who really should put some clothes on. Rrrmm... so I've been told. Yeah, told.

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2005
What Would Jesus Draw?

Hey man, sometimes a book cover is just a book cover. Then again, sometimes it's not. That's the trick with subliminal messages... you're never quite sure if they're intended.

Posted by scott at 01:23 PM eMail this entry!
A Therapy, for the Rest of Us

Well, for Ellen and The Grammas at least:

Therapists say it helps release endorphins — “feel good” chemicals.

So to get the benefits without the calories, women and men are opting for the Belgian Chocolate Body Wrap using melted dark chocolate buttons.

I've got other ways to spend $125. Then again, being male, I'm not sure I'm qualified to judge the efficacy of anything related to chocolate.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2005
Now If Youse Wud All Turn Ya Books Ta Page 102

In retrospect, perhaps a different course title would've been more appropriate.

Then again, hey, even gangsters gotta learn somewhere, right?

Posted by scott at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2005
Shameless I Tell You, Just Shameless

It's a funny thing about hyper-elitists. Sometimes they forget the rest of us have memories. It's all well and good to try and be as mean and shameless as the other guy. The trick is to try and not be as stupid. They obviously still have some learning to do.

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2005
When Auctions Attack

All those things I said about my mom buying crazy stuff on e-bay? Hey, at least she pays attention to what she buys:

he Carter-Kaiser household doesn't know what to do with its newest member.

The 1m-long photograph of a penis cost Auckland MP Chris Carter $130 at a Rainbow Labour charity auction last Sunday.

But the conservation, local government and ethnic affairs minister claims that he wasn't sure what he was bidding for at the time."I was getting a hard time from the audience who were saying I was a rich MP and I should contribute, so I hadn't even really looked at the picture," says Carter. "Now that I've got it, I'm not quite sure who I can give it to. But I don't think I'll be hanging it in my ministerial office."

Claims not to have paid attention... yeah, that's the ticket. Claims.

Posted by scott at 11:56 AM eMail this entry!
No Wonder Ellen Loves Me So

I bet she thinks I know "the secret:"

Hope [Arkansas] watermelon weighs in at record 268.8 pounds.
...
The watermelon, tended and turned throughout the season, topped the scales at 268.8 pounds, breaking the listed record of 262 pounds, said Betty Jo Odom, a bookkeeper at the Farm Store. "It’s been 20 years since we had anything in this range," said Bright, speaking by phone from his father’s home in Hope.

The family has grown large varieties of watermelons since 1973. Bright, a retired school administrator who lives in Arkadelphia, will try to contact the American publishing company for Britishbased Guinness World Records this week to make an official filing of the weigh-in.

I don't like the stuff at all, but the gene seems to have passed on from Ellen to Olivia. "Melon" was one of her first words.

Posted by scott at 08:09 AM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2005
I Wonder if They Smoke the Stuff?

In the "no issue too serious to make fun of" category we have Flying Spaghetti Monsterism:

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is a parody religion created to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to allow intelligent design to be taught in science classes alongside evolution.

The "religion" has since become an Internet phenomenon garnering many followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (sometimes referring to themselves as "Pastafarians", a pun on Rastafarians) who claim to have been touched by "His Noodly Appendage" and preach the word of their "noodly master" as the one true religion. Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is primarily the invention of Bobby Henderson, a graduate of Oregon State University with a degree in physics.

The more you know...

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2005
Paging Alanis Morissette, White Courtesy Phone Please

Here's one set of firemen who aren't going to want to go to the next big convention:

Jacksonville Fire-Rescue ladder truck returning from being repaired caught on fire on Interstate 95, sending flames and smoke into the air and forcing officials to briefly stop all northbound traffic, according to WJXT-TV in Jacksonville.

Funny because nobody got hurt and there's just something giggle-worthy about a fire truck sitting on the side of the road belching flames. I need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2005
I Shall Weep My Wee-Wen-Gay!

(Title is a Black Adder reference. Anyone..? Anyone..? Buehler..? Gah... think revenge...)

My mom was famous for saying "you know, I wouldn't mind if [whatever asshat was on her list today] sprained an ankle or something, but I wouldn't want him dead."

Which I agreed with. Guess who just sprained an ankle:

Maverick film-maker Michael Moore has enrolled on a crash course at a $3,800-a-week (€3,119 a-week) celebrity fat farm in a bid to loose weight.

Yeah, I know, several folks in the gallery (including said parental-unit) will not find making fun of overweight people funny. Not. The. Least. Bit. Thank. You. To which, I can only say...

HA-HA!!!

Oh don't worry. I ride a bicycle in traffic. If that doesn't scream "karma's a bitch, ain't it?" you're just not paying attention.

Posted by scott at 07:25 PM eMail this entry!
FREAK!

You have got to see these!

Thanks Joshua for passing these to Scott!

Posted by Ellen at 05:04 PM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2005
The Girls (The Hot Girls) Of Comicon

No, they all do not look like this.

Olivia watched this with me, and every time Tank Girl showed up she shouted... "NINA!"

Posted by Ellen at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2005
You Go Girl

Don't mess with gramma:

Two thieves who tried to rob two elderly women in the Lithuanian city of Klaipeda, thinking they were easy prey, got more than they bargained for when the older of the two victims, aged 93, valiantly defended herself.
...
"I did what I could," Popova told Lithuanian daily Lietuvos Rytas.

'What she could' involved grabbing the thief -- who at 25 was almost one-quarter her age -- by the family jewels and squeezing as hard as she could.

"I pressed as hard as I could and he squealed like an animal," said Popova, who in her younger years worked as a washer-up in the canteen of a military hospital.

Crone claw apparently being more powerful than kung-fu grip.

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2005
Hamster's Last Dance

NSFW due to pop up ads!

Hamster Dance!

Posted by Ellen at 08:55 PM eMail this entry!
Well, Olivia Does that in her Diaper Already

Ron gets a mistranslated no-prize for bringing us a very distinctive Elmo.

Posted by scott at 02:39 PM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2005
You anti-socialist aggressor!

I'd known North Korean propaganda was almost screamingly funny since at least my college days (back when my brother was stationed in South Korea and I was keeping track of those things). However, I had no idea nobody'd bothered to make it all available on the Internet... until now:

Pyongyang's official Korean Central News Agency, or KCNA, is the only regular source of the views of the secretive government of Kim Jong-il available to diplomats, journalists and scholars.

But there was no way for them to search the archives of KCNA until Geoff Davis, fighting boredom during a rainy San Francisco spring, decided to hone his Web design skills on a topic he had followed in news reports on the North Korean nuclear crisis.

"Their propaganda is often unintentionally hilarious and I couldn't find an existing searchable database of the KCNA on the Web. Thus, NK News was born," Davis told Reuters.

NK News is indeed a remarkable trove of the very best from the very worst leftists left (as it were) in the world today. Strangely, I see some definite resemblances between these press releases and some of the more extreme writings of the peanut gallery. I'm just saying...

Soros et. al. only wish they were this funny. Too bad they do seem to take themselves this seriously.

Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
Texans: 1, Hippies: 0

The Post this morning carried a similar story:

A man fired a shotgun into the air as about 60 anti-war protesters held a religious service on the road to President Bush's ranch.

Sheriff's deputies and Secret Service agents in the area of the demonstration site Sunday rushed to the home of Larry Mattlage after the shots were fired but did not arrest him.

``I ain't threatening nobody, and I ain't pointing a gun at nobody,'' Mattlage said. ``This is Texas.''

I'm beginning to think mom's right... the White House press corps, never the most tolerant of groups, is well and truly pissed off at GW for dragging them out into the Middle of Nowhere Texas for his extended vacation. August is bad enough for political newsies, since everyone goes on vacation in the nation's captial around then (traffic is glorious right now). Instead of having nothing particular to report whilst in the middle of a comparatively urbane place with night clubs and a first-rate theater district, they've got nothing in particular to report on a ranch in the sticks of Texas. For five weeks.

So I guess, now that I think about it, when a crazy woman showed up and starting ranting about not paying her taxes and impeaching GW and pushing the Israelis out into the sea and how all she really wanted to do was give the president a good ear-boxing and then go home... it was as if all the press corps' irritations, anxieties, elitism, and grousing had precipitated magically into an unreasonable loon from California. This was way more interesting than the pool on how long it took Helen Thomas to shrink another two inches!

Even better, after attracting her own cotiere of sub-loons like a bug light in birkenstocks, she's even starting to piss off the locals. Considering that people move out to west Texas precisely to get away from everyone, having several dozen surly reporters with their stupendous amounts of gear suddenly followed up by several dozen ill-prepared do-gooders... well, it's enough to make a rancher just fire off his shotgun a few times, let them all know who's really boss.

I'm not, however, going to wish the press would hurry up and find something interesting on which to report. The last time I did that was over the frenzy growing up about Chandra Levy in August of 2001. They'll find traction on something else eventually. In the meantime, pass the popcorn...

Posted by scott at 12:06 PM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2005
I Love the Smell of Hoaxes in the Afternoon. Smells like... Idiots...

Of course they lost it:

Tsunami Books has joined in a real-life hunt for a missing 4-inch tooth that some experts believe may offer the first DNA evidence that proves the existence of a large predatory creature in Scotland's fabled Loch Ness. Tsunami is the independent publisher that made its debut this summer with N.Y. Times best-selling author Steve Alten's The LOCH, a modern-day thriller about the hunt for the Loch Ness Monster. The tooth in question was discovered by two American college students on Spring Break, pried loose from a mutilated deer carcass along a Loch Ness deepwater shoreline known to local fishermen as a "kill zone." The tooth was later confiscated by a water bailiff, along with some of the students' film. One video tape was salvaged...

Look folks, from everything I've read biologists seem to think a species needs between 200 and 2,000 members to stay viable. Yes, I think it's very possible for one creature, even one very very large creature, to hide out in Loch Ness. It's a big place, after all. But 200? Without a skeleton, corpse, or even clear sequence of film ever being seen?

It's a hoax, people... it always has been.

Posted by scott at 03:47 PM eMail this entry!
Busted

The triple-date, wherein one person tries to juggle three dates without any of them knowing about each other, is a staple of US sitcoms. In reality, it doesn't work that well, especially if you're going to the hospital:

Some people bring flowers, others bring balloons. When Melvyn Reed's three wives showed up to visit him at the hospital, they brought an unexpected curtain call to his years as a double bigamist.

British police confirmed that after Melvyn Reed woke from his triple bypass heart operation earlier this year, his complicated marital affairs took a turn for a worse. All three of his spouses had turned up at the same time, despite his efforts to stagger their visits.

I got enough trouble with just one. Can't imagine why anyone would want to marry three.

Posted by scott at 11:56 AM eMail this entry!
August 10, 2005
Paging Debbie Harry, White Courtesy Phone Please

Well, I think we've now fairly established people will sell anything:

This may seem a little weird, but everyone keeps telling me I'm a good talker and that I should channel that energy somewhere. I have to admit that I like talking, but I am also a good listener. There's nothing like having a good conversation with someone. I like talking to new people but with the way things are today I couldn't just call up people at random so I thought I would try eBay.

Remains to be seen if people will buy anything.

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2005
Yeah, that's the Ticket

Somehow I don't think his wife was very amused:

A Macedonian man left his wife at an Italian service station and only realized he had driven off without her six hours later, news agency Ansa said Monday.
...
The husband told police he hadn't missed his wife because she always sat in the back of the car with their daughter.

I'm not sure I could buy enough trouble to cover this one.

Posted by scott at 03:16 PM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2005
For My Family in Vegas Right Now

I would just sit in the casinos just to watch people like this.

Posted by Ellen at 06:34 PM eMail this entry!
It's My Party and I'll Drink if I Want to

Danged local gummint:

Keep the beer pong and games of quarters inside.

In the ongoing tussle between summer renters and year-round residents of this seaside community, the borough council has banned outdoor games involving alcohol.

And we were so looking forward to playing beer pong wherever Ron and Amber finally settle.

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
Say "Hi Mom!"

Ron gets a no-prize that will wave at a camera for bringing us the latest in "stoopid criminal" stories:

Viewers of a Fort Smith auction show helped stop an attempted robbery unfolding on live television. Two men attempted to rob 'Shopping Mania' as it was being broadcast, and people watching the show took action and called 9-1-1. Law enforcement says this is one of the more unusual cases they've seen, because you could see what was taking place, live.

And yes, that's Fort Smith AR. Color me stunned that there's anything with the word "auction" attached to it that my mom doesn't know about. She's really starting to slow down now!

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
Not So Itsy-Bitsy

Nice to know I'm not the only one with a spider "problem":

I stood there, trying to regulate my heartrate. It's not that I'm particularly afraid of spiders, even the giant, economy-sized spider that spun its giant, economy-sized web across my front door. It's just that usually, when I open my front door, I rather don't expect to be trapped inside by a giant spiderweb. No, I'd have to say that's definitely not one of the things I think of when I open the front door. "Do you have your keys?" is something I think about. "Did you turn out the lights?" and "Did you remember to feed the cats?" and "Do I really have to go to work today?" are all legitimate, front-door-type things that I—and many people, I'm sure—think about on a regular basis. "Is there going to be a giant spiderweb across the top half of the doorway?" is not even remotely in my imagination; no more than it was for Frodo and Sam as they ascended the steps of Cirith Ungol. And I didn't even have Gollum to guide me into danger.

Years ago in Arkansas I made a habit of pulling the top on my old convertible up but not latching it, and leaving the windows down. From August to October this actually works, as it only rains once or twice a month then.

As I sat down in the car to go to work one bright August morning, I turned to put the key in the ignition and was confronted with an absolutely classic spider's web that attached at every point on the front of the car. Windshield, top, steering wheel, dash, even a few of the instruments, were all used as anchorpoints. It looked like something out of an art book, and in the precise center was the owner. Shiny, fat, with a kind of caramel color, it looked for all the world like the ruler of its tiny rusted universe.

I tore the front off an old notebook and did a "scoop-and-shoot" move that flung it completely across the parking lot, where I presume it scurried away to safety. The rest of the web disintegrated when I pulled the top back. To this day I'm a little sadden I had to do that. It was probably the most perfect web I'd ever seen in person.

And then there was this.

Posted by scott at 08:32 AM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2005
Just When You Thought Musicians Couldn't Get any Dumber

8-6-7-5-3-0-9 got nothing on this:

Chopped and screwed rapper Mike Jones, who created a marketing campaign around his telephone number, has been hit with a whopping $250,000 phone bill from Sprint PCS.

What started off as a clever promotional tool to help fans keep in touch with him has turned into a telephone nightmare for the Houston rapper.

No more bling for you!

Posted by scott at 02:53 PM eMail this entry!
Best. Smiley. Icon. Evah

Browsing around I found what must be the smiley icon for this website:

WTF.gif

So much weirdness... so little time...

Posted by scott at 01:46 PM eMail this entry!
Well Duh...

See, we knew all those Democratic Underground loons were a bunch of blowhard wusses:

In the days after President Bush won a second term, the number of U.S. citizens visiting Canada's main immigration Web site shot up sixfold, prompting speculation that unhappy Democrats would flock north.

But official statistics show the number of Americans actually applying to live permanently in Canada fell in the six months after the election.

Still waiting for the predicted Republican neo-con death squads to make their appearance as well. Whee!!!

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2005
Insert Place Michael Jackson Joke Here

They gave out the "California San Jose State University Bad Writing" awards last week, but I only now found a site that actually printed the winner:

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual...

I don't write like this. My car has fuel injection.

Heh...

Posted by scott at 12:36 PM eMail this entry!
Of Pots, Kettles, and the Color Black

Alternatively, 'what's the sound of one foot swallowed?':

HELEN THOMAS ANGRY AFTER 'KILL SELF' OVER CHENEY COMMENTS PUBLISHED

White House press doyenne Helen Thomas is plenty peeved at her longtime friend Albert Eisele, editor of THE HILL newspaper in Washington, D.C.

In a column this week headlined "Reporter: Cheney's Not Presidential Material," Eisele quoted Thomas as saying "The day Dick Cheney is going to run for president, I'll kill myself. All we need is one more liar."
...
But Thomas said yesterday at the White House that her comments to Eisele were for his ears only. "I'll never talk to a reporter again!" Thomas was overheard saying.

"We were just talking -- I was ranting -- and he wrote about it. That isn't right. We all say stuff we don't want printed," Thomas said.

As noted here many times before, the saddest part of satire (and irony) is its subjects almost never get it.

Stop that! You, in the gallery! Stop that cheering and agreeing with her! Don't make me get out the hose!

Posted by scott at 09:19 AM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2005
Payback Can Be Funny Sometimes

Especially if you do something like this.

Posted by Ellen at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
You Know You Love Your Spouse When...

You deal with his crazy bike obsession, and he deals with your menagarie of animals.

Posted by Ellen at 06:08 PM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2005
OOOPS!

I don't know what we would do if Olivia did this.

Posted by Ellen at 11:25 AM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2005
I Bet They Call it Dodge-u Ba-ru

Everyone's favorite "stranger in a strange land" teacher is at it again, this time with some... interesting... observations about how Japanese children play dodge ball:

We both looked at the nearby girls court. Standing in the center of the court was the smallest ichinensei girl, and let me emphasize this in case you missed it, THE SMALLEST ICHINENSEI GIRL, standing meekly with her hands above her head. "Oops! Sorry!" She calls out. The ball is returned and the game continues. Another small ichinensei girl gets the ball. But it's no longer the *stepstepstep* *pitiful toss* "Oooh! Sorry!" *stepstepstep* in once was. No. She ran forward and chucked that Dodgeball like Moses hurling the Ten Commandments off the mountain. Complete with a Zena Warrior Princess war-cry that could bring any man to his knees. Suddenly, the cutesy ichinensei girls dodgeball game had become *run* "AI-YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!" *dodgeball chuck with all the Unleashed Furies of Hell behind it*.

I swear, sometimes it's like the only difference between real Japanese and anime Japanese is the color scheme.

Posted by scott at 02:19 PM eMail this entry!
Foil Hats for Fruit

Never ones to pass up a good whine, Mac users now seem to think Microsoft has blanked them out of existence:

Internet sleuths discovered that anyone using Microsoft's new "Virtual Earth" Web site for a bird's-eye view of Apple's corporate headquarters saw only a grainy overhead photograph of what appears to be a single, nondescript warehouse and a deserted parking lot not Apple's sprawling campus, with 11 modern buildings surrounding a plush courtyard.

Come on people, this is Microsoft. If ever there was a company which needed "Never ascribe to malice what can be adequately explained by incompetence" inscribed over its door, it's this one.

Of course, now that I think about it, the Borg really hasn't stepped on its own crank all that often lately. Is it possible they've actually become good at this stuff?

Where'd you put that roll of foil again?

Posted by scott at 10:02 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2005
Match a Boob!

Ok, Ok, so I realize our male audience out there may not want to play a game with cats in a hot air balloon. So I picked this game out for you instead.

Match the boobs.

Posted by scott at 03:27 PM eMail this entry!
Bird Snatchers!

Pretend you are a cat. A cat in a hot air balloon, wiith egg beaters. Now catch some crows!

Play the game here.

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2005
Sounds About Right

I am 18% Hippie.
So Not a Hippie.
What? Am I a Republican? Why did I even bother taken this test?! I guess I’ll back to my George W. Bush fan club and tell them I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. At least I don’t stink, man.

Quite interested in seeing what the more famously lefty members of the gallery score. Damned hippies...

Via Drumwaster.

Posted by scott at 09:36 AM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2005
Shoot First, Revise Later

Old hat perhaps to some, but I'd never seen it before: How did the whole "Greedo shoots first" thing really go down?

Keep an eye on the gallery too!

Via IFOC

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2005
Mug Shot Madness

Gah... if you people only knew the "if only I could find XXXXX's mugshot" jokes I ran through typing this thing up. Let's just say the peanut gallery has a... colorful (and by no means singular) history with the boys in blue. And those are only the ones we actually know about!

Posted by scott at 05:58 PM eMail this entry!
A Picture for Mom's Mantle
Posted by scott at 10:18 AM eMail this entry!
July 20, 2005
Tacky Tacky Tacky

Never let it be said we ever resist a cheap shot. Sad thing is, I have a feeling some in the peanut gallery won't understand this is satire.

Via IMAO.

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
Yeah, a Little Lot Like that

While Maru and I may disagree on politics, we do seem to agree on something else:

roverdose5lj.png

Now that both sides have a SCOTUS nominee to froth over, maybe this one will finally sink beneath the waves. Here's to hoping...

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
Now for the Teeny-Tiny Arson Investigator

No, really, sometimes you just can't make this stuff up:

Once again, a squirrel clambering onto a power line has been blamed for a brush fire in this border town north of Oroville, Wash.

Firefighters were summoned Monday after a squirrel scrambled up a Fortis Inc. utility pole, got zapped and landed in flames on some dry brush outside a fruit packing business, Fire Chief Ross Driver said.

Rodents... a worldwide power grid scourge. Whodathunkit?

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2005
A Speaker, for the Rest of Us

For the Star Wars nut in your life who has everything (yes, Richie, this means you), we are happy to present the Death Star subwoofer:

In my batchelor days I decided I needed a subwoofer for my lounge, a subwoofer so powerful it could loosen fillings, shake out the colesteral from my arteries and generally make a lot of noise. It seemed to me that the Death Star, ignoring the weakness that ultimately lead to it's complete destruction, was a pretty good design... so I made my own (with a lot of help from my then housemate).

I'm no longer a batchelor, I no longer live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere, so the subwoofer is offered here for sale.

See ladies? Another difference is that sometimes men build their own toys.

Don't miss the Q&A section, it's a scream!

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
True Colors

Instapundit linked up the brand-new UN terror alert system. Where's your level?

Posted by scott at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
July 14, 2005
How do I Offend Thee? Let Me Count the Ways

Three words: bloody chainsaw controller:

NubyTech, a California-based manufacturer of video game accessories, has come up with a new controller to accompany Resident Evil 4, Capcom’s upcoming release for the PlayStation 2 system.

The reddish-orange controller is in the shape of a blood-spattered chainsaw on a display stand with the PS2 buttons on the top. There is even a rip cord that triggers a chainsaw-like roar.

Better Fark headline: "Busybody child protection groups surrender."

Posted by scott at 09:44 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2005
Response to Spam

*From a REAL email I recieved today*

Ellen! Should Jessica Simpson pose naked for Playboy?

My response, that I exclaimed out loud to Scott: "Do I give a shit? NO." *email deleted, husband punched* To husband, "Nobody asked you!"

Another one:

Ellen! Do you have problems with the length of your penis?

"Why yes actually, thanks for asking."

*Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Can't you tell by my email that it's a female name? I sure know lots of Ellens who are male.

Even worse, from Grandma: "And you know, I used to get those emails 3-4 times a day 6 months ago".

We were afraid to ask what she replied.

Posted by Ellen at 06:16 PM eMail this entry!
July 12, 2005
When a Mouse isn't a Mouse

It's as if dozens of plant managers sighed in relief, and then were suddenly silent:

Last month we told you about a St. Charles woman who made a startling discovery in her jar of Jif peanut butter. In a NewsChannel 5 follow up, the test results are in. We now know what scientists say that object was.
...
David Herman is Senior Counsel for the Food Products Association, the company hired by Smucker to conduct the tests. He says, "We're looking at pieces of apple, apple skin, a stem, and two seeds we found."

Being the Uber-geeks we are, Ellen and I regularly watch food production shows like "Unwrapped". Because it's interesting! It is too!

Anyway, it's amazing to see just how carefully designed these food production factories are. I've never seen the particular factory in question, but similar ones go to great effort to ensure the container is held upside down until the very last second, and then sealed immediately after the product is poured in. We're talking fractions of a second between the time something else can fall in to the time it's just impossible for something to fall in.

Small wonder that the vast majority of these cases end up being after-the-fact. Considering the liability involved, it's definitely worth paying extra for a properly designed factory.

Posted by scott at 12:45 PM eMail this entry!
Captain Obvious on the Beach

No, really, it doesn't much matter what a chick looks like, as long as she's naked:

Women were more frequently bothered by nude sunbathing than men. Just over 40 percent of women said they did not like seeing other naked females on the beach, while just 5 percent of men shared their opinion about nude women.

Taken from a survey of Italians conducted by the Italian Naturist Federation.

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2005
Head Obsession

What grabs my attention is that his head doesn't fit his body.

Read entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 06:14 AM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2005
It's the UK / F--- Yeah!

We found some proof that Britons and Americans sometimes share the same slightly twisted sense of humor. Ok mom, you're just not going to get this one. Trust us, it's funny and hopeful at the same time. [Hopless Attempt to Explain to Grammas] Based on a song (of a sort) from a movie (again, of a sort) made by the guys who do South Park.[/HAtEtG]

Posted by Ellen at 05:51 PM eMail this entry!
It's iTerrific!
Posted by scott at 01:13 PM eMail this entry!
July 07, 2005
Wasn't Me!

Yeah, I went out yesterday, but I had my clothes on:

A man from Chantilly, Va., has been charged with indecent exposure for an incident near a park in Centreville.
...
According to police, officers spotted 41-year-old Charles Harrison naked when they arrived. He jumped on a bicycle and tried to elude police but was caught a short distance away.

There's a picture, so that should prove it. Besides, bicycle seats chafe if you got nothing on.

Rrmm... waitaminute... so I've been told. There, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2005
Magic Smoke

Everyone knows that electric and electronic devices do not actually use electricity to function. This is a myth perpetrated by the gigantic electric industry to further their plans for world domination. These devices actually work on Magic Smoke. As long as said smoke does not escape from the device, it will work no matter what you do to it.

Well, classic British car owners are in luck, as someone has come up with replacement magic smoke for their vintage wiring harnesses. No British car restoration would be complete without at least a little of this stuff leaking out from under the dash board. Act now! Don't delay! Supplies are limited! Be sure not to miss the Q&A section at the bottom of the auction.

Hmm? Alfas? Well, old Alfas use the same open fuses found on VW bugs and the like. If you pop one, you'll get a right cheery burst of smoke oozing out from under the dash. The first time my old silver spider did that, I thought my crotch had caught fire.

But that was just a fuse. Since fuses don't make the car go fast, Alfa always went the cheap route and never bothered to protect any electrical connections from the weather. This means an Alfa is far more likely to have electricals that simply don't work due to bad grounds rather than cheerily smoldering harnesses due to crossed wires.

In other words, it's not smoke, it's character.

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2005
Dumb and Dem-er

I'm sorry, it's really not a partisan thing*, I just think politicians being cross-eye-worthy stupid while on the record is just funny. Of course, congress-critters being stupid is about as noteworthy as GW stumbling over words or Bill C. groping the help, but I get my giggles where I can.

I need to get out more.

-----
* Well, ok, yes, it is a partisan thing. It always is. Make fun of my side on your own site. :)

Posted by scott at 02:30 PM eMail this entry!
Ruined, I Tell You, Just Ruined

Well it would seem not everyone is happy with NASA's successful Deep Impact probe:

Marina Bai [a Russian astrologer] has sued the U.S. space agency, claiming the Deep Impact probe that punched a crater into the comet Tempel 1 late Sunday "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe," the newspaper Izvestia reported Tuesday. A Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July, the paper said.

I knew those propeller-heads at JPL were up to no damned good!

Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
July 04, 2005
Critics, for the Rest of Us

Also from Slashdot, news that everyone's favorite muppet curmudgeons, Statler and Waldorf, are now movies.com's resident film critics. It's like Siskel and Ebert, only, you know, funny. At first it sorta seems like a commercial, but hang on for Pepe... he's worth the price of admission all by himself.

And I swear they stole the snooze-o-meter from my mom. Or maybe Ellen. Neither one of them will last 5 minutes past the opening credits most of the time.

Posted by scott at 05:18 PM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2005
Ya Don't Say

Today's "thank you Captain Obvious" moment is brought to you by This is London:

Two female teachers have been suspended for allegedly having a threesome with a 16-year-old male pupil.

But police are understood not to have pressed charges because the teenager did not complain of any crime.

What I want to know is probably what all the guys out there want to know: where is this school and why didn't I go there when I was 16?

Posted by scott at 09:14 AM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2005
I Wonder if it Helps the Warranty?

Mahmood brings us the Funky Chicken, Bahraini style:

This is absolutely brilliant! Let me attempt to translate this nugget which demonstrates how superstitious we are in Bahrain, it's quite a laugh to most people, especially if you engage your imagination! LOL!

"A lady was quite surprised when she went to one of the car dealerships in Bahrain only to find a line of people waiting for their turn to collect their new car, and each one was holding a chicken under his arm in preparation to slaughtering the chicken and splashing the front of their new car with blood to allay 'the evil eye.'

And all this time I thought I was asking a lot to have the car waxed.

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
Mmm... Tacky (II)

Presenting Hot Ghetto Mess, a site dedicated to the concept that black folks can sometimes be just as ridiculous as everyone else. Not more, not less, just the same. It's cringe-worthy, and sometimes a bit naughty, but it's also damned amusing. A kind of Engrish, for the rest of us.

Note: The self-righteous and easily-offended need not click above. You have been warned.

Via Cobb

Posted by scott at 01:00 PM eMail this entry!
Best Quote Ever

While this story of a young girl barely escaping a matress fire set by lightning hitting her house is both scary and heartwarming (everyone got out just fine), the producers must've known they hit gold when they got this quote:

The girl's father attempted to smother the flames with blankets, but the fire was burning the mattress from the inside out. He then dragged the fiery mattress down the stairs and out the front door, getting minor burns on his hands, arms and legs.

"He said a bad word, and then Mom heard it, and then she went upstairs, and then she said a bad word, and there were lots of bad words around here," the 7-year-old said.

Indeed.

Posted by scott at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
Now You Know

Ron gets a weedy no-prize for bringing us Grandpa's Pot Book, a guide to everyone's favorite illegal recreational drug written by what must be Burgess Meredith's identical twin brother. Grandpa has it all, from selecting the right pipe to rolling a good joint. Smoke yours today!

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2005
The Politics is Strong with This One

Slashdot (via Fark) notes Britain's first Jedi member of Parliament made his maiden speech yesterday. Lefties blaming this on a vast Bush/Rove/Christian conspiracy in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 10:11 AM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2005
A Press Conference, for the Rest of Us

Tacky? Tasteless? Purile? Partisan? Who, us?!?

What I find amazing is, in spite of our reputation as rigid, endoctrinated indoctrinated, humorless automatons, with the possible exception of Franken, we have all the funny. Of course, confidence tends to breed humor.

Because, you know, "right" isn't just a direction.

Posted by scott at 07:31 PM eMail this entry!
Well of Course This Explains Everything

Nah, we're not upset at Iran because they're a bunch of expansionist revolutionary fundametalists trying to build nuclear weapons. We're upset at them because our Secretary of State was jilted by an Iranian in college:

Perplexed by the vitriol of US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's attacks on Iran, one lawmaker believes he has uncovered the secret of her enmity -- that she was spurned by an Iranian boyfriend at college.

"The reason that the US secretary of state attacks Iran is because she had her heart broken by a young man from Qazvin while they were students," a confident Shokrollah Attarzadeh was quoted by the ISNA agency as saying.

If nothing else, this shows the US has no monopoly on legistators who are so out of touch with reality their shoes don't touch the ground.

Posted by scott at 02:38 PM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2005
Being Unreasonable Right Back

For sale: 1 private lot for development, contact city government for more information:

On Monday June 27, Logan Darrow Clements, faxed a request to Chip Meany the code enforcement officer of the Towne of Weare, New Hampshire seeking to start the application process to build a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road. This is the present location of [Supreme Court Justice] Souter's home.

Is this another Dredd Scott? No, nobody's going to war over this. But it does show just how dangerous the Supreme Court can be. It's not the predictable left or right wing bias you should fear, it's the completely-out-of-left-field-we-are-the-SCOTUS-please-take-a-fuck-you-at-the-door decisions they have occasionally made that should keep you awake at night. Dredd Scott (aka "let's rip down the country just to see what the plebes come up with second time around") is just the best known, but just about any decision from the Warren court will do as well.

And yes dearies, I know which one you're thinking of, and I still stand behind the statement.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
Cult of Personality

Sometimes McGruder can be abrasive and unfair. Other times, well other times he's right on the money.

I was actually going to link this when I saw it this morning. A recent note from inveterate no-prize winner Ron simply sealed the deal.

It's a joke R&A... a joke! Of course we care about Tom, Oprah, and Lindsey.

*snicker* ... *giggle* No... *chuckle* really!

Posted by scott at 10:03 AM eMail this entry!
Do You Suppose They Call it DWI-Ski?

Well, I guess it's better than using a riding lawn mower:

Two Russian soldiers are in trouble after driving an armoured personnel carrier 40km to buy vodka.

They were caught after crashing through a fence into a used-car showroom, demolishing several vehicles, on the way back.

Funny because it would appear nobody got hurt. Well, except for the APC at any rate.

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2005
Squirrel Jedi

squirrel-jedi Medium Web view.jpg

This pix was floating around on LJ and it was too cute not to share!

Posted by Ellen at 06:20 AM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2005
It IS Ron!

Hey Joshua! You are right. It is Ron in a Chipotle ad!

Posted by Ellen at 05:13 PM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2005
I SO Need One of These

I need at least 4 of these.

Amber needs some too. Her cats vomit in the hallway, in shoes, on tables etc...

Posted by Ellen at 08:10 PM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2005
Squirrel Attack!

“I went to put some garbage in the trash receptacles in the park,” Eddie Arfe recalls his evening of terror, “when all of a sudden something hit me in the chest and bounced off. That was a squirrel. Needless to say, it was quite frightening.”

A must read!

Posted by Ellen at 05:52 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2005
Disabled People Wrestle Alligators For Fun

A British man who claimed he was too disabled to work was jailed for fraud after police found out he had wrestled alligators and trained in martial arts while claiming state benefits.

Read entire asinine article here.

Posted by Ellen at 09:12 PM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2005
Not that there's Anything Wrong with that

Ok, so Toronto has a 13-foot-tall bronze statue dedicated to a gay hero of the city. Judging by the picture, you'd think it was a big "so what". Until you read the plaque:

[The description of the 19th-Century sex scandal that made him famous] is commemorated on the statue's granite base, with a bronze plaque depicting a man's rear-end with his pants around his knees, and [hero] Wood's outstretched hand in mid-examination.

Tasteless? Hey, have you seen a gay pride parade? But have to admit I rather like the sense of humor. However, would be rather challenging to explain to Olivia, were she to see it between the ages of 3 and 12 at any rate.

Posted by scott at 02:28 PM eMail this entry!
Winky Time

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but then again if you squint your eyes just right, a logo can become a whole lot more. Basically SFW, although there are several "hmmm..." worthy pictures of what could possibly be construed as, well, something else.

Oh be quiet. You think this is bad, you should see what passed for decoration in fifth century BC Athens, or first century Rome. At least these things are abstract.

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2005
Heh

Seen as a tagline on one of my bike groups:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

(Show it to Cindy, Jeff... she'll laugh.)

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
I Got Yer Suspicious Package, Right Here

Well, hey, it sorta looks like a pipe bomb:

The “suspicious package” that caused Interstate 75 and Daniels Parkway to be shut for more than an hour Monday was not an explosive pipe bomb — but rather wrapped-up plastic foot-long penis.

“Someone took construction-grade plastic, molded it into a penis and wrapped it with duct tape,” said Lee County Sheriff’s Chief Deputy Charles Ferrante.

“They wrote ‘Happy Father’s Day’ on the duct tape.”

Somewhere there's a man wandering down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, doomed never to find what he's looking for, even for twenty-two bucks.

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
They Shoulda Made This into a Movie

Probably old hat to most of you, but I'd never heard of Alien Loves Predator until today. A little heavy on the inside jokes about New York, but it still gave me a real chuckle.

This one reminds me of conversations I've had with friends over the years. No, I'm not Abe there. I just have really odd friends.

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 11:54 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2005
When the Lights go "Boom"

Ya know, it's pretty bad when your equipment attacks you. Professional A/V guy Joshua should get a kick out of this one. Wonder if it brings back any memories?

Posted by scott at 03:13 PM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2005
Well This Explains Everything

Problem: Unusual volcanic activity in Mexico.

Cause: UFOs. Duh:

What is really strange is the periodic harmonic tremor. According to some scientists the tectonic activities may have been triggered artificially. One possibility is that the hot spot of active volcano is disturbed by some extraterrestrial experiments controlled by aliens. Mexico recently has reported excessive sightings of UFOs. The other alternative can be that some kind of military experimentation is going on there.

Hey, it's in IndiaDaily, it's gotta be true!

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
Supercooled

Ok Jeff, I've found your next computer case. Actually, he's kinda gotten out of the whole overclocking thing. At least he's not trying to tinker with mine anymore!

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2005
So That's How it Happened

I'm sure someone on the left side of the peanut gallery will have a snarky reply for this one. Aside from the fact that it seems to be "italics in the headline" day at any rate. Meh, still gave me a good chuckle.

Posted by scott at 03:53 PM eMail this entry!
Gotta Love Germany

Now that's what I call service:

A German city is rushing to install a series of drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for next year's Soccer World Cup and an expected boom in the local sex trade, a city official said on Wednesday.

I'd make a crack involving our local soccer fan, but he doesn't need any help getting in trouble with his wife.

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2005
The Magic of Tivo

Cobb has created a comic strip that should give all Tivo owners a good chuckle. Every time I demonstrated ours to friends or family the conversation would be the same:

Me: "It's great! You can pause live TV, and when you come back you can skip commercials!"

Them: "Wow. Can you skip this commercial?"

Me: "No, this is still live TV. We can't skip over to a part that hasn't been broadcast yet."

Them: "Hmpf." Followed by a "wow, what a useless piece of crap" look.

I could almost watch the horse wandering away from the water hole.

Posted by scott at 02:54 PM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2005
Stupid is...

Meh, why not give the deceased equine a few more lashes:

During last year's presidential campaign, John F. Kerry was the candidate often portrayed as intellectual and complex, while George W. Bush was the populist who mangled his sentences.

But newly released records show that Bush and Kerry had a virtually identical grade average at Yale University four decades ago.

Instapundit has a round up of far more clever responses.

Oooo... bumper sticker time! Somewhere in New England there's a village missing its idiot.

Somehow I don't see this one showing up any time soon on our own friendly neighborhood mobile billboard. Or static fridge. But hey, it's all good.

Posted by scott at 03:58 PM eMail this entry!
Is that a Fish in Your Pocket...

No, really, is that a fish in your pocket:

An Australian woman was found to be carrying 51 live tropical fish after custom officials were alerted by "flipping" noises coming from beneath her skirt as she arrived at Melbourne airport.

On closer inspection, officers discovered the woman had strapped on an apron of plastic water-filled bags containing the fish, the Australian Customs Service said in a statement on Tuesday.

Well, there goes Ellen's other idea for sneaking more goldfish into the house.

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2005
Paging Mr. Slave, White Courtesy Phone Please

*GASP* ... Jesus Christ:

German police, alerted to a potential kidnapping, "freed" a man from a car trunk only to discover the would-be victim was actually a willing sex slave, authorities said Thursday.

Police stopped the car after a concerned caller told them he had seen a woman locking someone in the boot. However, on opening it, they were greeted by the sight of the 39-year-old man wearing nothing but a leather thong and a collar.

Now that's a mug shot to share with your friends!

Posted by scott at 09:08 AM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2005
Kinda Like This

Actually, we get along with our neighbors pretty well. I was thinking of some other folks in the blogosphere when I saw this.

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
~ There's a Light / Over at the Idiot's Place ~

Today's "moron uses lighter to watch gas siphoning" brought to you by Warrensburg NY:

A Warrensburg man burned himself and is facing criminal charges after he used a lighter to check how his efforts to steal gasoline were going, causing a fire that destroyed a forklift, police said.

Glen B. Germain Jr., 19, of Glen-Athol Road, was charged with petit larceny and fourth-degree criminal mischief in the May 4 fire on Don Potter Road, according to the Warren County Sheriff’s Department.

He suffered minor burns in the blaze when he lit a lighter in an effort to see how full the can he was filling had become, sheriff’s Investigator Kibby French said. It ignited gas on his hands and in the can, police said.

This actually looks to be pretty close to where Ellen grew up. See Ellen, rednecks don't just live in the south!

Posted by scott at 11:56 AM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2005
I Got Yer Heat Sink, Right Here

When my brother was doing that sort of thing, one of the hallmarks of his home-built PCs was cooling fans. Lots of them. Think 747-inna-box.

Which is why I instantly thought of him when I saw this. No Jeff, you cannot cut a hole in the case of my computer to fit this thing. I don't care how many extra cycles I'll get. The cats have enough things to pee on.

Posted by scott at 12:46 PM eMail this entry!
Dancing Dancing Dancing Machine!

Look! It's Ron!

Posted by Ellen at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2005
Internet Penis

Too funny to pass up!

NSFW due to content, but totally funny!

Posted by Ellen at 04:00 PM eMail this entry!
Too Cute!
sinfestkittycartoon Medium Web view.jpg
Posted by Ellen at 01:54 PM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2005
The Sound of Men Weeping Everywhere

In the soon-to-be-released "Tomb Raider: Legend," the eighth title to feature Croft, her DD-size bust has been reduced to a more modest C-cup and some of her more revealing outfits have been ditched, the report said.

The adventurer even sports a modest round-neck sweater with full arms for part of the game, the paper added.

Read entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 09:03 AM eMail this entry!
May 18, 2005
Of Biffs, Bonks, and the Dreaded Wang Chungs

Everyone has a lexicon, and biking is no exception. As one who is only just now rubbing away the last of the "noob" he's had on his forehead for the past three years*, it's edifying and amusing, but even I know better than to actually use any of these words.

Oh like I care if you care.

----
* The bike is still noob-ish, but that'll change soon enough. For now I'll be content that my pedals are way cooler than yours. I am Bike Geek. Hear Me Roar.

Posted by scott at 03:04 PM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2005
When Boredom Attacks

Take a few rednecks, add some soda bottles, water, and a bit of dry ice and what do you get? Well, this. A little long, but the payoff is worth it.

And no, I didn't notice they had accents. Why?

Posted by scott at 09:37 AM eMail this entry!
May 16, 2005
For the Geeks!

Geek Fantasies.

Hilarious! A MUST see!

Posted by Ellen at 08:08 PM eMail this entry!
Love Is...

Well, it's not higher than a mountain, that's for sure.

Gah. Cheesy seventies song suddenly in my head... Please... help meeeeeee

Via Silflay

Posted by scott at 10:15 AM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2005
No, It Won't Spray Water

Yes, even firemen can be wimps at times.

Especially when it comes to snakes.

Posted by Ellen at 05:02 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2005
Stompin' Time!

All you need to do to get Olivia to stomp around is put shoes on her. She'll even growl at you if you grrrr at her. So, while these would on the face of it seem like a great gift... trust me, she doesn't need anything else that makes noise.

Via Yourish

Posted by scott at 03:47 PM eMail this entry!
Well that's Way Better than a Welcome Wagon

In the land of distinctive sculpture, there must surely be a place for this thing:

At first glance, it looks more like something you'd find at a strip club, instead of a quiet neighborhood.

A backhoe contractor, Ricky Pearce poured concrete into hand-drawn molds to create the 40-ton, 17-foot-high legs. Then, he lifted them into place with a crane.

Complete with some landscaped foliage, strategically placed, the display is making some folks chuckle, and others shake their heads in disgust.

With, for once, pictures! Also nice to see people being level-headed about the whole thing: "The Vance County district attorney told NBC-17 state obscenity laws may stick, but he has more important crimes to worry about."

Indeed.

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2005
A Very Special Sort of Backlash

Be careful what you wish for ladies, you just might get it:

[S]lowly, I started to realize that the men had changed. Where had all my strong and silent, hard-rock listening, muscle car driving, mullet-sporting, chest hair-donning suitors gone?

They had all turned gay!
...
I’m sorry you had to listen to me swoon about how “Gay Gavin” would make a better boyfriend than you because he really listens and doesn’t mind holding my purse while I try on jeans. I’m sorry I asked you to shower because your underarms smelled like “guinea pig vomit.” I’m sorry I cried and accused you of loving your ‘76 Chevy Nova more than me. I want the old you back.

Via Silflay

Posted by scott at 03:48 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2005
Ducks in Service of Satan?

Remember how I said George Lucas was the ultimate merchandise maven? I take it back. Maybe Simmons can write a song called Rubber Caster about this?

Via Reflections in D Minor.

Posted by scott at 03:37 PM eMail this entry!
The Nerve of These Cops

Said it before, say it again, people turn to crime because they're too stupid to do anything else:

[Gregory] Alston called police to say his white Nissan Maxima had been stolen from in front of his apartment building.

But the car wasn't his.

Police say he had stolen it at gunpoint two weeks earlier.

Not quite as funny as it sounds, since this guy's quite obviously stupid enough to kill someone. And to think we were driving around in Baltimore last month...

Posted by scott at 02:38 PM eMail this entry!
Well isn't that Nice

I mean, why not:

Sex rarely makes the news in Brazil's conservative Northeast — until a small town declared an official Orgasm Day on Monday.

Espertantina Mayor Felipe Santolia endorsed the May 9 holiday, which he said was intended to improve relationships between married couples.

When coupled (as it were) with Steak & BJ day, you're talking about a real party!

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2005
Dating Disasters, Japanese Style

You all have been keeping up with Azrael's continuing saga of an American in Japan, right? You should:

After dinner, we were talking about what to do next. Initially, the other girl who was at the party (I'll call her Satchmo, her actual name is kinda close to that so it reminds me of that Jazz player Louis Armstrong) was supposed to come too, but she couldn't come join us because she had a stomach ache...but she wanted us to come to her house. I was like fuck that, if she can't come then I'm not gonna go see her, but my coke-addicted date was adamant, so off we went to see Satchmo.

Satchmo lives in this VERY TINY little space above a coffee shop. I can't stress how small this place was. And it wasn't just her. NO! It was her whole family too...spin around in your computer chairs right now, imagine dividing your room into three bedrooms, a kitchen, and a tiny bathroom, and you have an idea of the space here.
...
Satchmo asks us if we want coffee. I don't, but she goes to get it anyway. Then Satchmo's mom walks by...who looks like a JAPANESE GYPSY CRACK WHORE. I shit you not, that's exactly what it was. "You guys want bananas?" She asks. I had no idea how to respond to that, the whole JAPANESE GYPSY CRACK WHORE thing was weirding me out. She disappears and reappears a second later with a buschel of bananas she drops on the table. Satchmo comes back with the coffee, and ice cream. GYPSY CRACK WHORE brings a plate of strawberries. ...OK.

Nice to see dating can be just as loopy (probably moreso) on the other side of the Pacific. Makes me very glad I'm not single.

Posted by scott at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
Vending with a Vengeance

While Japan is justly famous for having a vending machine for literally anything (beer and underwear are two of the better-known examples), in the US such machines are typically limited to chips, candy, and sodas. Until now.

Hopefully it's an all-electronic affair, otherwise I can't see such a thing staying in one piece for any length of time. I mean, kids will knock over a regular vending machine with no prompting at all, and those only deal in singles.

Via Mahmood.

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2005
Youthful Exuberance: 0, Old Age and Treachery: 1

Take that you gadget wielding punks:

Okay, the world title for fastest text messaging is still raging in the streets. The victor in the most recent contest was a bit of a dark horse — 93-year-old telegraph operator Gordon Hill delivered a resounding ass-whoopin’ to his rival, 13-year-old Brittany Devlin, using Morse Code.

Or, as I've always maintained, -- ---.-. ... . -.- --- -.. . .-. --- -.-.-.- ...!

And FYI... if I ever get stuck in a hospital unable to do anything but blink, someone please put the morse alphabet in front of me. "Yes" and "no" are well and good, but it gets "p3wned" by a system that can convey the entire alphanumeric set with the same transmission method.

Posted by scott at 10:14 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2005
Ok, that's Just Tacky

Roofinex: It's Only Illegal if She Rememberstm.

Special no-prize for the first person who can identify the sappy song at the beginning of the clip.

Posted by scott at 09:14 AM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2005
Hontards, ho!

Jeff gets his second no-prize of the day for bringing us a tale of clowns, wiggers, and defenseless Japanese economy cars:

2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill.

He just bought a body kit, yo, and heeds to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?

Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here.

So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this motherfucker to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. Thats coming. heres the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and 2 inches lower than it was before.

He cant get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. word. It was the flyest, dawg.

Now, I wouldn't have quite as much fun as this guy (or Jeff for that matter), because the spider is actually in the same weight class as these clowns. But beating a 32 year-old sports car with your brand new ricer is sorta like a 16 year-old golf champ out-putting Arnold Palmer. Possible? Yeah, but who would you rather hang out at the clubhouse with?

Posted by scott at 12:59 PM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2005
A Darwin Miss
Posted by scott at 12:21 PM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2005
Wha?

Robert H. gets a strangely attractive squealing no-prize for bringing us an interesting variation on the "God kills a kitten" saying.

Posted by scott at 10:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2005
p3wnd!

Rob E. gets a L33T no-prize for bringing us the story of the "dangerous" hacker. It's a little technical, but not much. Sysadmins in particular should get a good chuckle.

Posted by scott at 03:15 PM eMail this entry!
I'll Call it a "Cougar", You Might Call it a "Warthog"

From various sources: Boy, the press sure does think mighty highly of Humvee armor. Note caption on the lower-left side:

The Armor Tempered steel, 3/8-inch thick, is capable of withstanding 155mm Howitzer rounds.

For those of you who don't spend your free time memorizing the various statistics of military gear (I have a life! I do! It just involves learning about cool things that blow stuff up. It is so a life! THhhppt!!!), the caption claims that, with this armor, a Humvee can withstand a hit from one of these. Most buildings can't stand up to a 155.

Silly press monkeys.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Captain Obvious, White Courtesy Phone Please

Remember folks, cause and effect should never stand in the way of your bias politics agenda point of view:

While the crime rate has fallen over the past decade, the number of people in prison and jail is outpacing the number of inmates released, said the report's co-author, Paige Harrison.

Nope, no connection at all. Nothing to see here folks, please don't mind the man behind the curtain.

But wait! It gets better! (emphasis added):

Florida has a track record as a gun-law trendsetter. In the mid-1980s, the NRA chose Florida to launch a push for "conceal carry" or "right-to-carry" laws.
...
At the time, fewer than a dozen states had right-to-carry laws. Now there are 38.
...

[O]pponents [of Florida's recently passed "meet force with force" law] counter that Florida's drop [in violent crimes over the past 16 years] is not tied to the gun law and note that national violent-crime rates have been trending down.

Of course, the reporters aren't the ones who are biased. They're just regurgitating press releases (the first story is AP, but was essentially identical to the WaPo story I read). It's not their fault the sources have an agenda. I mean, come on, do you actually expect them to find other points of view? Present both sides with equal time and even treatment? Actually get out and do some reporting instead of parroting press releases from their friends? Find out the truth?!? That's not their job!

Oh, wait...

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2005
Playing with Your Head

Ok, I have a hard enough time standing up straight as it is. Any of you people re-work your living room to "defy gravity" and then invite me over, I'm not paying for stuff I break. Capice?

Posted by scott at 02:51 PM eMail this entry!
Big Fish, Little Ponds

Lest ye think all DC-area political action happens on the hill, we have this story of a more local political drama:

People have dragged a hodgepodge of props -- sheep, tractors, Darth Vader, Patrick Henry, fake coffins, the music of Tammy Wynette, thousands of Monopoly houses -- into the battle over suburban sprawl in Loudoun County.

But none of the theatrics ever got anyone into serious trouble, until a man walked up to the podium at a board of supervisors meeting last year and identified himself as "Mr. Valerie Kelly," the husband of a vocal critic of development.

Ms. Kelly is a real charmer too:

Valerie Kelly was sitting in the audience that February morning last year when Grigsby appeared before the board inside its Leesburg chambers. The 56-year-old Middleburg woman was outraged. Here was a man she barely knew pretending to be her husband, telling everyone that she didn't respect him anymore.

"I was stunned," she recalled. "I was completely stunned."

But she didn't say anything. Actually, she couldn't say anything: Her mouth was taped shut.

At the previous board meeting, Supervisor Stephen J. Snow (R-Dulles) had referred to Kelly as an "idiot" after she blurted out a remark about his ancestors (he later apologized). So in part to protest Snow's comment, Kelly attended the meeting wearing a piece of duct tape over her mouth, one of several theatrical presentations she has made before the supervisors over the years.

Our old friend the Bishop would almost certainly feel right at home with these people.

My mom used to be a part of a local city council, and her tales of pettiness, lunacy, and political mayhem were quite similar to this.

Posted by scott at 01:11 PM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2005
They Speak!!

Talking Jesus action figures.

Don't forget to click on each character to hear them talk!

Posted by Ellen at 09:46 AM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2005
Bunny Love

NSFW due to banners!

Bunny loves you.

Posted by Ellen at 06:24 PM eMail this entry!
More Turkey Terror

I think it's time to raise the terror threat level:

Wild turkeys, some as large as four feet tall, are terrorizing people along Concord Street in Cranford [NJ].

In one instance, a letter carrier killed a bird with a stick after a group of the aggressive gobblers surrounded his truck and wouldn't let him out.

At least we know these terrorists go well with cranberry sauce!

Posted by scott at 08:21 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2005
I Wouldn't Want it Back Either

Like the article says, either turn it off or put it on "vibrate":

A couple of years ago we reported on the Jamaican mobile phone thief who got herself into a bit of a sticky situation in Negril when "a cellular phone which was stolen from a female shopper was found after it rang from within another shopper's vagina".
...
You'd think that this cautionary tale would be enough to deter even the most desperate mobe-lifter, but they obviously don't read Jamaica's Western Mirror in Romania, because light-fingered Ruxandra Gardian has been snared by the same "let's dial the number and see where she's stashed it" ploy.

I mean, cell phones are small, but I can't recall seeing one that small. 9 kinds of yuck going on there!

Posted by scott at 03:12 PM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2005
Loon Wash, 25c

Brownsville to PETA: Drop Dead

A trio of protesters with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals didn't find the welcome mat out when they stopped at a KFC in Brownsville on Wednesday. The sprinkler system was on for them, though.
...
"I'm waiting for someone to throw a cabrito head at them so they know what part of the country they are in," [David Ingersoll, of Los Fresnos,] said, referring to the goat meat that's used in some Mexican dishes.

Not quite as good as the beat-down those Greenpeace hippies got in London, but I'll take it.

OW! Dammit! Will someone take that buddhist's stick away please? OW!

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2005
Everybody Dance Now!

The sad thing is, this guy's dancing isn't half bad. Certainly better than I could do.

I'm still glad it's not me on that tape though.

Posted by scott at 09:48 AM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2005
A Jihad, for the Rest of Us

Well, for the rest of you Unitarians anyway:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Via Reflections in D Minor.

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
Squirrel!

Meet Sugar Bush Squirrel!

Sugar Bush Squirrel is a real, live Eastern Gray Squirrel who is owned and photographed by Ms. Kelly Foxton. Rescued from a tree, she is now living the 'good life' with Kelly in Boca Raton, Florida. A small, lime-green parrot, named Rio, is her big sister and constant companion. Being a Supermodel, Sugar Bush loves to dress up, and has over 1,000 outfits with matching hats and accessories. Sugar Bush has her own studio with an elaborate stage and thousands of stage props, and she has posed for over 1,000 photos since her modeling career began. She poses for greeting cards, calendars, children's books, advertisements & photos for our troops!
Posted by Ellen at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2005
When Youth is not Wasted on the Young

The thing is, I was never much of a binge drinker. Well, if you define binge drinking as "drinking one's self into a stupor, throwing up one's shoes, and boozily waving 'bye-bye' to them as they swirl down the toilet" at any rate. However, I've had lots of friends (and, truth be told, one wife) who did define it that way. Fortunately they've pretty much all gotten too old for that sort of foolishness, but there's always war stories to tell:

1:18: The vomiting is over. I am now trying to stop the bleeding. A bright light hits my eyes. I am not happy. I tell the owner to “get that fucking light out of my face.” The owner of the light identifies himself as an officer of the law. I apologize to the officer, and ask him what the problem is. A long pause ensues. The light is still in my eyes. “Son, where are your pants?” Remembering past encounters with the law, and realizing there is no one around to bail me out of the county lock-up, I summon every bit of adrenaline in my body to sober myself up. I apologize again, and explain to the officer that my pants are in the restaurant that is less than 50 feet away, and that I came outside to share my sushi with the bush. He doesn’t laugh. Another long pause. “You’re not driving tonight are you?”, “Oh, NO, NO, NO…no sir, I don’t even have a valid driver’s license.”

An adventure is a fun story to tell years later because you don't remember how miserable or bug-eyed frightening the reality was. Fortunately I have a very long memory, which is why I have exactly one, and only one, "sushipants"-caliber story in my own past. My relatives will merrily regale you with it, requiring little (usually no) prompting, especially during formal parties and receptions, so I won't relate it here (for now).

But at least I kept up with my pants.

Via Silflay

Posted by scott at 12:49 PM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2005
Get Perpendicular?

Someone over at Hitachi computer research labs seems to have mad flash animation skillz.

At first I thought it was going to be a standard Schoolhouse Rock parody, but then they got out the disco ball. And then, then it got really weird.

Posted by scott at 08:11 AM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2005
Fun with Stuffed Animals

While the concept of re-enacting the climactic scene in the movie Seven with stuffed animals is goofy, the actuality still has surprising power. I guess it just proves there's more to movies than the pictures that make them up.

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
April 05, 2005
I Knew Those Damned Hippies Were Up to No Good

Ah-HA!!! Peanut gallery, I now have your number. You just better watch out too, sneaky bastards.

Posted by scott at 10:47 AM eMail this entry!
Turkey Terror Trots to Town

Damned turkeys:

A group of turkeys has been trotting around [Menominee, Mich], chasing kids, startling motorists and loitering at people's homes. Authorities were notified, the EagleHerald reported, and after a slew of complaints, a hunt ensued.

"It's been keeping us on our toes," said Mike Baker, public service officer for the Menominee Police Department.

Then again, if the worst thing your police force has to worry about is rampaging turkeys, I think you're probably doing OK.

Posted by scott at 09:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2005
Quotable Quotes

"Come here... come here! No... stop... sit down! Stop squirming you little monster! No! You are going to be pretty whether you want to or not!"

-- Ellen Carozza, to Olivia, while changing Olivia into a dress to attend a wedding shower to which both were invited.
Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
Another Holiday, for the Rest of Us

I guess it really is true, there's a holiday for everything:

No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well.

It's May 6th this year, so mark your calendars!

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2005
A University, for the Rest of Us

Robert H. gets an educated but twisted no-prize for bringing us Dr. Vulture's Laboratory of Evil Science. I mean, what's not to love with a corporation who's hiring preferences include:

Doesn’t it just warm your heart when you hear about a big company like McDonald’s hiring the elderly and handicapped? Wouldn’t it be great if Vulture Industries also had jobs for stupid people with no education? Well, you're in luck because we always need people to evaluate the effectiveness of our latest bioweapons; however, if you want to work yourself into the upper, or even middle management of the company you’d better be sharp and well-trained. (A winning attitude and willingness to sleep, cheat, steal and murder your way to the top doesn’t hurt either).

The thing's so damned big I haven't even scratched the surface yet, but have already had a few chuckles. They'd probably give Ellen an honorary doctorate just for setting foot in the place. Olivia would probably get hers in the mail as a 2nd-year birthday present.

Posted by scott at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
Why Didn't I Think of That?

Looks like the going price for a child in New Zealand is $30,000. That'd make a nice, fat downpayment on a new Alfa 159. I guess it's time to sign up for a Craigslist account.

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2005
From the Mouths of Babes

There's nothing quite like a child's point of view to throw a boomerang at reality, and there's nothing quite like explaining sex to them that gets the boomerang to bounce around a bit:

[My] well-meaning mom also showed me Nova's Miracle of Life in response to the typical kid inquiry, "Where do babies come from?" Bless my mother: I was only five, but wanting to give me a mentally healthy outlook on sex from the get-go, we proceeded to have an hourlong conversation after the video screening about grownup relationships, how intercourse is wonderful, beautiful, natural, healthy, et cetera.

But apparently, in her zeal to instill in me a positive notion of sex, we failed to fully discuss the mechanics. At the close of the conversation, Mom asked if I had any questions. I paused, looked up at her with wide eyes, and said, "Does Daddy know about this?"

One of the biggest questions I had was, "do people have to get naked to do this?" When answered affirmative, my six year old reaction was "ug! I don't want to be naked around girls*! No way am I doing that!"

Funny enough, around the age of 13 getting naked with girls started sounding a lot more interesting.

Olivia? Oh Olivia's going into a convent, no need to worry there... :)

----------
* In 1974, to a six year old at least, "gay" still meant happy. I think two years later the punk-ass preacher kid learned what it also meant and, I'm not making this up, got up in front of class and did his best imitation of what must've been a male street walker during a "guess who I am" game. We thought he looked like a spastic chicken, and told him so.

"No you idiots, I'm gay!"

"So, um, you're a happy chicken?"

"No! Sha! You all are so stupid!" (there is nothing, nothing more arrogant than the child of a powerful preacher) "I'm gay. It means I like guys."

We all stared, dumbfounded. "And...?"

None of us knew what he was talking about, and the teachers were too mortified to explain it clearly. When we finally got a clear answer out of the little snot, the general reaction of my group was "well, if it'll keep girls like Agnes from beating on us, maybe we'll be gay when we grow up!"

Posted by scott at 08:37 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2005
Keg Magic

See, there's two ways you can figure out how much beer is in a keg. You can measure the outside of it, figure out how much each component weighs, do a lot of fancy math, and probably come out with a really precise answer. Or, you can do what they did:

How much is inside a keg? Any college sophomore can tell you it is 15 gallons, but how many servings is that, and how many gallons should you plan for each guest?

On Saturday night, we decided to find out.

Back in college we used to get a pony every weekend. It was a lot cheaper than buying cans and, since you could drink whatever amount you liked instead of a fixed 12 oz, it lasted longer. We kept each one of the plastic caps that covered the tap ring, and enjoyed watching freshmen goggle at the wall of circles we built up over a semester.

Good times, good times...

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
Finally, Star Wars Films that Don't Suck

Slashdot's got this story that links up the best entries in the 2005 Star Wars Fan Film awards. I just got done watching Sith Apprentice, and it was a scream. Highly recommended!

Posted by scott at 07:23 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2005
Well, I bet You Didn't Know Either

Today's useless bit of pseudo-trivia is brought to us courtesy of The Etymology of Jesus H. Christ.

Nah, I'm not sure I believe it either, kinda smacks of "after-the-fact-ism" to me. But who knows. Next up, an explanation of Shiva H. Vishnu.

Posted by scott at 03:16 PM eMail this entry!
At Least it's not in Arkansas

Heritage USA, meet Heritage UK:

A BUSINESSWOMAN has launched a £144 million mission to win youthful converts to Christianity by creating Britain’s first biblical theme park.
...
Before leaving Ark Alive, billed as the place “where Disney meets the Bible”, children would also have the experience of expulsion from the Garden of Eden, being swallowed by a whale, escaping from a lion’s den and walking on water.

Great. Like the Empress in Training would really need a Jesus complex to feel more powerful. Trust me, Olivia has already decided "no" is something she says to other people. She doesn't need any help.

Speaking of Heritage USA, it would appear to have been abandoned some time ago, and now seems to have become the weirdest ghost town on the planet.

Posted by scott at 09:51 AM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2005
Old Friends, Long Gone

A rather firey debate over at Politburo Diktat got me reminiscing about the good ol' days of USENET and talk.origins. It was there, and on the various related alt. groups, that I transformed from a bright and shiny newbie into the grizzled, obnoxious, sarcastic, shrike-like, unreasonable, argumentative, "last-word-in-before-I-die" bastard you all know and love. And I was just a junior member. In the time before the September that Never Ended, talk.origins old-timers could slice up a newbie creationist so quickly and so efficiently it would make a samurai take up gardening.

Which leads me (in my usual direct and concise way) to what I think is the best description of what, exactly, happened every September in those halcyon days, when sheltered fundamentalist teenagers jumped onto a forum meant to, in their bright and shiny minds, teach us all the error of our evolutionary ways:

We have seen now all the typical [creationist] exits and one highly unusual non-exit. The usuals:

  1. Rush into the debate with all guns blazing (i.e. evolution can't be proved, the 2nd law argument, "macroevolution" has never been observed, there are gaps in the fossil record, etc., nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything). Have head handed to you. Whimper smugly about how mistreated you are. Leave.
  2. Rush into the debate etc. Have head handed to you. Disappear without even a goodbye or a f**k you.
  3. Rush into the debate etc. Have head handed to you. Claim that all your assertions are "common knowledge". Redirect followups so that they are never seen. Leave.
  4. Rush into the debate etc. Have head handed to you. Continue to post sniping one liners (sometimes for years) without ever answering a single question or including a bit of content in your posts.
And the unusual one.
  1. Rush into the debate etc. Have head handed to you. Some how wade through all the vitriol from both sides and decide that evolution might actually be _interesting_. Visit a library. Learn something. Continue to post but from a position of greater knowledge rather than continual, aggressive ignorance (not that the poster I am referring to, John Gonzalez, ever was aggressively ignorant. Remember, I am carefully speaking in generalities).

Anyway, one way or another they always leave. Kind of sad, really. Like losing a stupid yet well-loved pet.

Crusty USENETers... I do miss them so... *sniff*

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
Also Works for NW Arkansas

Heh...

Actual conversation, related to me by a hunting friend:

Friend's Dad: "Be careful what you're shooting out there. Look for orange, don't shoot orange. We want to shoot deer, not people."

Friend: "What about the black-and-white spotted deer that weigh 1,000 pounds?"

Friend's Dad: "No cows either."

Posted by scott at 09:13 AM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2005
NASSA

Rob E. gets a shabby but noble no-prize for bringing us The Old Negro Space Program, a brilliant parody of a Ken Burns production. I especially like the "poiniant soldier's letter" segment. Highly recommended.

"The Old Negro Space Program - the shocking-but-false story of America's Blackstronauts."

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2005
But is it Art?

Ron gets a no-prize people will stare at with their heads cocked sideways for bringing us proof of what we've suspected all along:

Many a visitor to New York's Museum of Modern Art has probably thought, "I could do that."

A British graffiti artist who goes by the name "Banksy" went one step further, by smuggling in his own picture of a soup can and hanging it on a wall, where it stayed for more than three days earlier this month before anybody noticed.

Probably the weirdest "modern art" exhibit I ever saw was at the Hirschorn in, I think, 1996. They were featuring some artist specializing in "ancient Korean glazes" or some such thing. Turned out the exhibit consisted of giant squares, all painted slightly different shades of olive green. The redneck sorta just leapt out of me and I think I said, a bit too loudly, "oh hell all you need for this is a Home Depot and a power painter!"

I tend to be amused by such nonsense. Ellen wants to set things on fire.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2005
How Many...

Blogs aren't quite like USENET groups or other discussion boards, but I've participated in enough of both to get a real kick out of this.

(Shamelessly stolen from bluelens)

How many discussion group posters does it take to change a lightbulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Posted by scott at 07:54 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2005
Ok, Now We're Living in Cartoon Science Fiction

Joshua gets a precise but annoying no-prize for bringing us the ultimate in robotic timepieces:

Scientists at MIT's Media Lab in the United States have invented an alarm clock called Clocky to make even the doziest sleepers, who repeatedly hit the snooze button, leap out of bed.

After the snooze button is pressed, the clock, which is equipped with a set of wheels, rolls off the table to another part of the room.

Well, actually, in our house it would roll off the table into another room, where it would be mugged by a 2'11" monster who would hug it, kiss it, squeeze it, say "bah-CHA! badeebedabeeboo CHA!" to it, try to stuff cheese balls into it, then leave it wheels-up in the middle of the floor.

Some scientists say stairs are the greatest impediment to household robots. These people do not have children. If they did, they would realize the real danger to any small complex object is toddlers.

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2005
Sounds a Little Complicated, But Why Not...

Actually, something tells me this probably won't be the only "Battleship" drinking game out there, but it is the first one we've stumbled across. I was too much of a featherweight in college to mess with any of these games, figuring they represented a quick trip to the hospital for a 125-pound 5'11" 19 year old. Now that I weigh considerably more... well, I still think they're mostly an express ticket to Hangoverville USA. You go ahead without me, I'll be over here sipping a glass of wine waiting for you to need someone to hold your hair out of the toilet.

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2005
March 18, 2005
Changing Times

Hypocrisy? The New York Times? Say it ain't so, say it ain't so!!!

Meh. no worse than any other bunch trying to have it both ways. It's just easier to catch them at it. The sad thing is, there are many in the peanut gallery who will find no contradiction at all.

Via Drumwaster.

Posted by scott at 12:05 PM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2005
No, I Don't Want One

Just how shocked would you be if I told you I'd actually done this?

Oh stop it. Uncover your eyes. Nobody can hear you screaming.

At any rate, no, I don't think I've ever driven an Alfa without clothes on. I did once have to run outside at 3 AM au-naturale to put the top up in a thunderstorm, but that's a different story...

Posted by scott at 07:33 PM eMail this entry!
When Remote Starters Attack

The Alfa, being built before such electronic niceties as ignition, let alone remote start, also has this problem:

Djordjevic said police were skeptical of her story [that her car started on its own and drove into her neighbor's house] until they witnessed her remote starter activate, sending her car driving down the road. They chased it down and prevented it from hitting anything, she said.

Of course, since the Alfa (like all old cars) requires what is essentially a secret handshake that also involves the feet to get going, remote starters are essentially, well, non-starters. It's better than a car alarm!

Shaddup you. It starts just fine. The front wheels don't point the same way*, but it damned well starts.

-----
* I now know how Han Solo felt. I did everything right changing the tie rod ends, counted the turns just like it says in the book. Put everything together, and on the ground the passenger side wheel is straight as a laser, while the driver's side is 5 degrees inward. "It's not my fault!!!"

Posted by scott at 05:48 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2005
Tiger to Scientists: Drop Dead

Ka-Chomp!:

A camera hidden in the Sumatran rainforest has survived the rage of a tiger attack unscathed, and captured some fascinating images of the nocturnal assault.

The sequence, captured in February, even features one image taken while the camera is clamped inside the big cat's mouth.

I always wondered why this doesn't happen more often. I guess it's time to switch to infrared flashes, eh?

With pictures!

Posted by scott at 01:19 PM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2005
Mmm... Irony...

Class action reform? We don't need no stinkin' class action reform:

Alton attorney Emert Wyss thought he could make money in a Madison County class action lawsuit, but he accidentally sued himself instead. Now he has four law firms after his money - and he hired all four.

All over a measly $60. God I love this country!

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
Insert "Oscar Meier" Joke Here

Hey, It's a lot cuter than that other guy's forehead:

Are you looking for great advertising space for your company? My miniature Wiener dog 'Peanut' will be your billboard. She loves taking walks and meeting new people. Everyone that sees a Wiener dog can’t help but look.

About time a family pet started to earn their keep. Hey, I got ... five four-legged billboards (well, one of them only has three legs, but still) running around my house. Time to break out the stencil and spraypaint!

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
Welcome to Squaresville. Please Secure All Children in their Upright and Locked Position

Ron gets a very proper and understandable no-prize for bringing us this unintentionally hilarious look at "leet speak":

While it's important to respect your children's privacy, understanding what your teenager's online slang means and how to decipher could be important in certain situations and as you help guide their online experience.

All you really need to complete the "1958 health class" experience is the whir of a 16mm projector and the clicks and pops of the soundtrack. These kids today, you just can't understand them.

Oh, that sound you're hearing? That's the sound of every baby boomer's parent, dead or alive, laughing their ass off and screaming "revenge! Sweet seet revenge!"

Posted by scott at 09:13 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2005
Speaking of Trailers

Joshua gets a no-prize that'll chafe his eyebrows for bringing us the best. Star Wars. Trailer. Evah. Sad thing is, the guy playing Anakin in this is actually more convincing that Christensen.

Posted by scott at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
March 11, 2005
Nuke Su... Se... Su... rrr... Somewhere!

Jeff gets a no-prize that might (or might not) set off a Geiger counter for bringing us this story of a typo gone very, very wrong:

There's an old saying that a lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth puts its boots on.

Let it be known that mistakes can travel just as fast -- and just as far.

Take the case of Rep. Ellen Tauscher, D-California, who at a hearing on Capitol Hill last week spoke about a 1962 nuclear test in the Nevada desert. The test was code named "Project Sedan."

Tauscher's remarks were little noticed, until they were transcribed -- incorrectly -- in an unofficial transcript of the hearing. One letter was changed. The "Sedan" nuclear test became the "Sudan" nuclear test.

And the government of Sudan took notice.

And then, of course, "Hilarity ensued..."

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
Gotta Sit Somewhere

For the nerd who has everything, the keystool:

This unique stool is a great low-tech item for any computer geek. Insert this eye-catching seat in the dorm, game room or even an internet café . The contoured shape holds your backspace just like your finger rests in a key.

You can even specify your own message! How... rrmm... wonderful?

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2005
ET Phone Home, for $3.99 a Minute

One would think that, considering the distances involved, making expensive calls that are simply beamed into deep space would be a non-starter as a business idea. One would, of course, be wrong:

A group of engineers has offered a solution for people who want a direct line to aliens - by broadcasting their phone calls directly into space.
...
The service, launched on 27 February, will cost users $3.99 per minute, says Eric Knight, president of the company.
...
Since the alien hotline was turned on, www.TalkToAliens.com has fielded hundreds of calls, averaging about three minutes each.

I never thought one of the things I'd say to Olivia would be "I can remember a time when if you said you were making phone calls to space aliens, they'd call you a kook. Now they just ask for your credit card number."

Posted by scott at 09:08 AM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2005
Insert "Rise Again" Joke Here

Joshua gets a no-prize that'll play Dixie at the touch of a... well... "button" for bringing us the ultimate redneck underwear. I especially like the marijuana leaf design. Now there's someone who knows the real South!

Posted by scott at 02:32 PM eMail this entry!
IDF to Nerds: Drop Dead

Well, it might not get you out of the service completely, but it would appear being a D&D player will make sure you don't get any interesting assignments in the Israeli army:

Thousands of youth and teens in Israel play "D and D", fighting dragons and demons using their rich imaginations. The game has also increased in popularity due to the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

However the IDF does not approve of this unusual hobby and prevents "D and D" players from being considered for sensitive army positions by labeling them with low security clearance.

"We have discovered that some of them are simply detached from reality," a security source told Ynetnews.

From the slashdot comments:

My level 12 Galil with plumbum bullets strike down the level 4 suicide bomber. 100EXP and 12GP. :D

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
It Beats the Hell Out of Mozart

Ring tones, meet ring moans:

Wireless content company Brickhouse Mobile on Tuesday said that under an agreement with New Frontier it would begin offering ring tones for mobile phone users featuring porn stars making groaning and moaning noises from the suggestive to the positively tantalizing.

Well, at least it'd be funny if one of these went off (as it were) in church or at a business meeting. Well, ok, it'd be funny to me anyway.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2005
The Lonely Hamster

A German man who went on holiday left his stereo and lights on so that his pet hamster would not feel lonely in the empty apartment, a police spokesman said on Monday after breaking into it over fears the man may have died.

Buwhahahah!!

A very hampster wheelish No-Prize to Monikka!

Posted by Ellen at 07:15 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2005
To Tell the What?

Yeah, it's a little like this.

If this all actually turns out by 2008, I can think of at least three people who are totally going to owe me a pizza. You know who you are. Civil war, indeed.

Posted by scott at 07:29 PM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2005
Best. Political. Joke. Evah

A bumper sticker for BOTH political parties. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

From this site, which we found via Drumwaster.

Posted by scott at 08:08 PM eMail this entry!
Be Jesus!

Ever have that urge to be Jesus but don't have the patience to grow the hair and beard?

Now you can just put your wig and beard on and go! Don't forget the toga!

*Holy water sold seperately*

We are so glad we have Joshua's X-mas present picked out for 2005.

Posted by Ellen at 06:23 PM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2005
Don't Mess with Little Old Ladies

What happens when a thug runs into a bunch of little old ladies? Well, listen and find out.

To me it just sounds too good to be true, but amazingly enough even Snopes hasn't disproved it. I guess if you wait long enough and are lucky enough, just about anything can happen.

Meanwhile, if I bang into a car full of old ladies, I'm going to let Ellen go talk to them.

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 01:36 PM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2005
When White People Attack

Baby Got Bible!.

I don't know if they are for real or not!

Posted by Ellen at 08:11 PM eMail this entry!
Normally, I'd Expect Something Like This to be in Japan

Liz gets a rather surprising no-prize for bringing us the Best. Vending. Machine. Eva:

Dutch people love automated machines: you can get cash, food, tooth brushes and condoms from the wall. But the southern Dutch city of Tilburg has gone one step further: a machine stocked with vibrators.

I just keep getting this image of some punk getting squashed under one of these things. "Please..." he'd gasp dramatically, "don't... tell... mother..." Then the entire machine would begin to hum a very special dirge.

See, I told you I need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2005
The Rules of the (Male) Road

Ladies: Read. Learn. Understand.

Guys don't need to, we already know this stuff.

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
Somehow, I Don't Think Even This Will Get Her to Watch the Show

In the "nice work if you can get it" file, we have this purportedly 6-figure job:

Viacom's Country Music Television channel is running help wanted ads for this position -- Vice President, CMT Dukes of Hazzard Institute. That's right. That's what the ads say, noting the pay is $100,000 for the duration of a one-year contract.

The vice president will have to watch Dukes of Hazzard every weeknight on Country Music Television, know all the words to The Dukes of Hazzard theme song and write the Dukes of Hazzard on-line blog for CMT.com, Country Music Television's Web site.

I'd send Ellen's resume in as a joke, but I don't feel like visiting a hospital any time soon.

Posted by scott at 12:21 PM eMail this entry!
Playin' with Your Food Show

Well, it had to happen some time... Good Eats now has a drinking game. Having seen nearly all of them at this point (TiVo rox), I can say this one should get you feeling nice and toasty within the 22 minutes a show runs (no commercials... did I mention TiVo rox?) Just don't, you know, try to cook or anything when you're done.

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2005
The MoonBat Bear

mOOnBat Teddybear!

Something warm and fuzzy to help our looney leftie readers sleep at night.

Snuggle up!! It's cold out!

Posted by Ellen at 08:07 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2005
You Want Fries with that?

James H. gets a cheesy no-prize for bringing us yet another in the long line of "too stupid to do anything else" crime stories:

Steven T. Denton, 32 ... was taken into custody following a fracas at the Dockside Lounge on Sombrero Boulevard.

"Denton told me that if I would drive him to McDonald's, he would buy me two cheeseburgers if I let him go and did not take him to jail," reported Deputy Mark Eastty of the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

Alcohol was, unsurprisingly, involved.

Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2005
Road Kill Rugs

Don't want to scoop one off the road yourself? Order one!

*Yes they are fake. Wuss.

Posted by Ellen at 04:48 PM eMail this entry!
My Life as a Cartoon Strip

While not exactly identical, this comes pretty close to the conversation we had on Tuesday.

Actually, I think the real convo went something like this:

Me, picking up the paper: "Ah bummer. Hunter S. Thompson died."

Ellen: "Who?"

Me: "Thompson... gonzo writer?"

Ellen: "Who the hell is that?"

Me: "..."

Ellen: "Look, I'm not as old as you are... I can't be expected to know about all these other stupid old people."

Posted by scott at 03:21 PM eMail this entry!
And People Think I have too Much Time on My Hands

Ron gets a properly endowed stone no-prize for bringing us what must be one of the more... esoteric... studies of the year:

Measurements of Michelangelo's David have shown that all is normal in the naked marble man, though he could have been a little better endowed ... according to a study to be published at the end of this month by the Dutch Institute for Art History, in Florence, David's genitals are anatomically correct for a male body in a "pre-fight tension."

The first time I read it I saw "pre-flight" instead of "pre-fight" and was wondering what the statue had to do with airplanes.

Posted by scott at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2005
Hey, Fundies Gotta Make a Living Too!

Hell I got no problem with people wearing whatever they want. I just think typing modestapparelchristianclothinglydiaofpurpledressescustomsewing.com might make your site just a teensy bit difficult to visit. I mean, people have a hard enough time with our URL, and it's just 7 characters long!

Plus trying to say modestapparelchristianclothinglydiaofpurpledressescustomsewing.com three times fast makes me giggle. Yeah, even I think I need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 02:39 PM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2005
And When it Clogs Up, You Call the iPlumber!

Yeah, ok, it's been around awhile, but we'd never seen the iToilet ad before, which means this otherwise superb parody had been languishing in obscurity, waiting for us to direct the world to it.

Hey, a guy's gotta dream, right?

Also not to be missed: Ellen Feiss's take on the whole thing.

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2005
Protest This

Hippies, meet Mr. Beatdown. Mr. Beatdown, hippies:

Greenpeace had hoped to paralyse oil trading at the exchange in the City near Tower Bridge on the day that the Kyoto Protocol came into force.
...
Protesters conceded that mounting the operation after lunch may not have been the best plan. “The violence was instant,” Jon Beresford, 39, an electrical engineer from Nottingham, said.

“They grabbed us and started kicking and punching. Then when we were on the floor they tried to push huge filing cabinets on top of us to crush us.”

Yeah I know, "don't take pleasure in the suffering of other people", "violence never solved anything", "ah, a Buddhist laughing at people getting beat up, how rich", yadda, yadda, yadda. Look, if they weren't so completely obnoxious and, well, wrong, I'd have a little more sympathy. As it is, well, I am glad nobody got killed, and actually I do feel rather bad about the guy who'll have his mouth wired shut for the next six weeks.

But I cannot think of a more abject example of what can happen when happy, shiny, soft-headed idealism meets the hard-knock world of reality. Look, nobody ever said I was a good Buddhist, ok?

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
When Webcams Attack

Cameras are like guns, whenever you're around one, always assume it's loaded. Well, turned on anyway.

Via Spree Girl.

Posted by scott at 01:20 PM eMail this entry!
Pajama Power!

Maybe it's time to get my own set of feeties:

I was talking to Mohammed an hour ago and we both were feeling depressed because of the declining quality and quantity of posts on our blog and the deficiency of ideas for good posts that we're currently suffering from. I don't know whether you agree with us but we here can feel it. Then he suddenly said laughing "go wear your pajamas, maybe this will inspire you to write something"! Well, frankly speaking it did and once I went into my pajamas I felt a strange motivation for writing; writing anything, at least it encouraged me to write this stupid conversation between two bored brothers drinking tea and smoking cigarettes in the afternoon. I'm not claiming that my pajamas have magic in them but you know what? They do make a change!

Then again, maybe not.

Posted by scott at 11:00 AM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2005
And I Think "Nearu Beeru" is a Much Better Name for This

Problem: Beer is heavily taxed and your economy has been flopping around like a fish in the bottom of a boat for the past 14 years.

Solution: Artificial flavors aren't just for soda ya know:

Japanese brewers are increasingly making money from beer-flavoured drinks rather than beer itself ... Now, according to Asahi Breweries, the market for so-called "beer-like" drinks is set to grow 84% this year.

Then again, "Zimasan" would probably also be a good alternative name. Still not going to drink any of it.

Posted by scott at 03:52 PM eMail this entry!
A Holiday, for the Rest of Us

The text says it all:

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts flowers dinner shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Fact is ...guys feel left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."

Yeah, I know, I think we've linked this already a time or two. But it's only through constant lobbying that we have a chance to make this dream a reality. Join with me brothers, so that we may all one day enjoy "S&BJD"!

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2005
The Scream that Never Dies

Frank does a nice job of parodying the Democratic chairman with this "In my World" installment:

"Release the lock!"

An aide held one end of a long rope and yanked it, pulling open the lock of the giant cage. The door was kicked open, and out came a growling and snarling creature.

"Ladies, gentleman, I present you the new head of the Democratic National Committee."

"Yeaaaaagh!" Howard Dean screamed as he overturned his desk. He then lifted up a chair and smashed it over his own head.

"Yeaaaaagh!

"Remember to stay on message!" suggested an aide.

Dean grabbed the man by his neck and lifted him into the air. "Yeaaaagh!" Dean screamed as he threw the man out the window.

"The message is that the Bush administration is full of lies!" Dean shrieked. "Lies! Lies!" he repeated as he punched through the drywall. He then turned towards the cameras and charged them. "Hate Republicans! Kill Republicans!" He threw a punch at a camera, and the screen went to static.

Oh be quiet, he's no kinder to the administration in charge:

"We really have other things to worry about, Mr. President," Condoleezza Rice stated.

"Why? The elections result in Iraq are in," Bush answered, "I brought democracy where there once was none. I'm a God among men!"

"But there is the problem of Iran and North Korea still," Condi said, "Especially now that North Korea has announced they have nuclear weapons."

"Again!" Bush exclaimed, "That's horrible!" Bush then paused for a moment. "North Korea is the bad Korea, right?"

Hee!

Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
You Know You're the Parent of a Small Child When...

Your wife gives you a Valentine's day card signed in red crayon. At least I managed to get a sharpy marker. All over me.

Thanks dear, love you lots! And also a happy birthday to my dad, who is now officially old enough to retire. To his mud-track hotrod racing truck. I'm not making this up.

Posted by scott at 09:37 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2005
Oops

Remember folks, sometimes if we make things more efficient, it just means we screw up faster:

The man who organizes a private townwide e-mail list designed to discuss local government apologized yesterday for accidentally sending six graphic pictures to the almost 700 people on the list.

Wait'll you read about what he sent them.

Posted by scott at 12:59 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely Gotta Try This

Annoying arrogant squirrels got you down? Can't keep a bird feeder full because the fat fuzzy-tailed rats keep emptying them? Is your dog having a nervous breakdown because the buck-toothed bandits pinch him on the butt every time he tries to sleep on the deck?* Have we got a solution for you!

That porch looks eerily like the one Ellen's parent's have up in New York. No, this isn't them, but it does mean we may be making a trip to the hardware store next time we're up there to visit.

----
* Oh yes it does happen. Saw it myself once.

Posted by scott at 11:00 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2005
Welcome to Everyone Else's World

Just to prove my users aren't the only ones who hunt for the "any" key, we have the ClientCopia top 20. I personally liked #20 the best.

Posted by scott at 02:55 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2005
I Have Found my Brother's Limo Service
Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
Maybe This is What a Hoosier is?

Why oh why weren't studies like this around when I was in college?

Individuals who decide to participate in this study will be asked to complete a measure to help us determine the size of condom most appropriate for them. After completing these measures, participants will receive two different types of condoms (provided free) and will be asked to use them for sexual activities over a 30 day period. During these 30 days, participants will be asked to come to an Internet site on a daily basis and provide information about their sexual activities and use of these condoms.

Heheh... heheh... heheh... he said... measures... heheheh...

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2005
Why Ellen Should not Have a Handgun

Because I'm pretty sure she'll nod her head sagely at this video. I'm the commute driver weekdays because she began screaming at the milling herds of commuters when we moved out into the 'burbs.

Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
The Sad Thing Is, Eason Probably Believes it's Real

Scrappleface has news on even more developments regarding Easongate:

Spurred by CNN executive Eason Jordan's accusations that U.S. troops have targetted journalists in Iraq, the Pentagon today issued revised rules of engagement for encounters between U.S. forces and the members of the news media.
...
"We're there to kill terrorists, not journalists," said an unnamed Pentagon official. "The new rules are designed to make it easier for our personnel to distinguish between the two, since they're often found together and have similar objectives."

Remember folks, a .50 caliber machine gun means never having to say you're sorry.

Posted by scott at 09:41 AM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2005
Paging Rupert Holmes, White Courtesy Phone Please

Maybe we should call them "pin'ah coladas":

A budding romance between a Jordanian man and woman turned into an ugly public divorce when the couple found out that they were in fact man and wife, state media reported.

Gah. Now I'm gonna have that stupid song in my head the rest of the day. ARRrrrggggggg...

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2005
Baby Spew!

A clip from America's Funniest Home Videos of little babies spitting up.

If you are not a parent, you probably won't find it funny, but disgusting. Scott and I howl everytime they show this clip.

Enjoy!

Posted by Ellen at 07:42 AM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2005
Not that There's Anything Wrong with That

There's just so many different ways to parse something called Gay Energy Drink. It's so... festive!!!

Posted by scott at 09:48 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2005
Football, You Bet!

Those going to Superbowl parties may find Snopes's reference page interesting. Maybe even useful, if alcohol and wagering are involved.

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
One-Sided? Us?

Watched the SOTU address last night, thought he did a reasonable job. I knew there'd be a rebuttal, but Ellen came downstairs in an outfit I couldn't refuse, so I missed that. Then again, why watch the Democratic rebuttal when I already knew what they were gonna say:

Social Security: WITH OUR PLAN, EVERYONE GETS BENEFITS FOR EVER AND EVER, AND NOTHING EVER NEED CHANGE. WITH THE PRESIDENT’S PLAN? HELL ON EARTH AND ETERNAL DAMNATION (SECULARLY SPEAKING), WITH SENIORS FORCED TO SURVIVE ON FRUIT ROLL-UPS AND TANG CRYSTALS. WHILE SLEEPING IN SEWAGE.

Hee!!!

Posted by scott at 10:07 AM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2005
Give Us What We Want or in the Name of Allah, the Doll Gets it

Instapundit provides a nice roundup of the "GI Joe-as-hostage" MSM debacle. The Post only mentioned it as part of a picture caption, and even then they called it a "suspected hoax". Finally we find the real puppets of the Bush regime!

Posted by scott at 09:55 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2005
Good to See it Doesn't Just Happen Here

I personally expect to hear Amnesty International and Democrat Underground bleatings any second now:

Deprived of their flat-screen TVs, mobile phones, pizza deliveries and long visits from lovers, inmates at Mexico's top security prison complained on Monday they are being treated "like dogs."

I had to double-check to make sure gitmo wasn't involved. The nerve of these people, expecting jail to be, well, jail!

Posted by scott at 12:55 PM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2005
When Fans Attack

Well, now I know what Ron will be doing with half his winnings if he ever hits the lottery:

Green Bay Packers fans have taken a bold step to express their dislike for enigmatic Vikings receiver Randy Moss — they've purchased billboards, according to the Wisconsin State Journal.

Only it wouldn't be Green Bay and Minnesota. It'd be Dallas and Philadelphia.

Via Reflections in D Minor.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
Like a Bear Needs a Bicycle

Ellen and Amber, who already leave phone messages for each other's pets, I'm sure will be first in line for this thing:

PetsMobility™ has the first ever Cellular Telephone for pets and will provide a full range of wireless communication hardware and accessories for the pet industry.

Because we all know how well cats respond to the human voice, right?

Via OTTH.

Posted by scott at 02:01 PM eMail this entry!
Like Your Wife Would Ever Believe This

No, really honey, she climbed right into bed with me! I was sleeping!

Movie beauty LARA FLYNN BOYLE has been accused of stripping nude and trying to seduce a fellow passenger during a recent first-class flight to London.

Which would just mean Ellen would have to kill her first.

Posted by scott at 08:39 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2005
The Boy Who...

At the tender age of twelve I was in New York City with my friend Eli when I decided I wanted to get my eyebrow pierced. Silverchair was on the top of the charts, angst was in the air, and I was out to find the one piercing shop in Brooklyn that didn't card prospective piercees.

"Screw it," I said. "They probably just used a word for it I don't know. Like what's this word?" I picked a word that sort of sounded like it might mean eyebrow in Latin or Italian or something. "la-bia? that's GOTTA mean eyebrow."

You have to read the rest of this story. It if far to funny to pass up!

Posted by scott at 04:43 PM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2005
Post Cards from Weirdos
Posted by Ellen at 06:42 PM eMail this entry!
No! No! Anything but That!

Now who does this sound like...

Like hundreds of other coffee-dependent residents across Phoenix, [Erika Ferrer] couldn't get her Starbucks fix early Wednesday as the city coped with the second day of advisories to boil tap water or use bottled water. Starbucks Corp.banned its Phoenix stores from making any java until the city mandate was lifted and no doubt lost thousands of dollars in sales.

"I'm desperate," the 35-year-old Ferrer said around 2:30 p.m. "I told them, 'I don't even care about the water. I'll sign a waiver.' If this goes on tomorrow then I will be upset."

Yeah, I know, Ron and Amber drink some latte candy-in-a-cup stuff. But something tells me life would be very intense for our favorite blog sitters if all the Starbucks in their area were to be shuttered.

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
A Guide, for the Rest of You

Ron and I are the only football fans in our current circle of friends. The rest try to indulge my Cliff-Claven-like ability to sound smart while being completely wrong about a call, and do their best not to look alarmed when Ron screams "That's right! That's right! Who's your daddy now biatch?!?"

However, now that we've cat-herded them all into a Super Bowl party, I figured this "How to Fake It" guide would be appropriate preparatory material. Remember, there'll be a test later on!

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2005
~ Your Own / Pirate / Jesus ~

Joshua gets a no-prize with a hook attached for bringing us Pirate Jesus:

Welcome to Pirate Jesus! An epic tale of the adventures of Pirate Jesus and his pirate disciples. I have spent years translating the dead sea scrolls in order to present you with this newest and most accurate description of the life of Jesus. For the sake of total accuracy, this tale will be told in God's most holy of media: the comic strip.

Blasphemy? Us? Actually, we're shooting for a kind of, well, tacky heresy. Sort of like a bible with an avacado-green cover and clear plastic fringe beads around the edges.

Sad thing is, Joshua probably has one.

Posted by scott at 03:48 PM eMail this entry!
Life Imitating Art

Nice to know someone put all this snow to good use. Hey, it beats (as it were) giant snow wangs, no?

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2005
Nominate This

Ahem... Ha-Ha!!!:

Michael Moore's attempt to turn voters against President Bush failed and on Tuesday he lost his gamble as well for a coveted best-picture Oscar nomination for his incendiary documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11."

Sorry. Sorry. Bad karma to-- to--

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Sorry again, really shouldn't do that, taking pleasure in othe-- othe--

HEE HEE HEE, HAR HAR HAR HAR

Gah... nevermind... can't do it... I'm coming back as a bug...

Posted by scott at 03:45 PM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2005
Dur V

Ron gets a very satisfied no-prize for bringing us this week's "Captain Obvious" award winner:

[Dartmouth College professor David] Blanchflower and Oswald also looked at surveys of sexual activity and found that in general, “The more sex, the happier the person.”

“People who have no sexual activity are noticeably less happy than average,” they declared.

Say it ain't so!

Posted by scott at 02:33 PM eMail this entry!
The All Seeing (House) Eye

Now if this thing doesn't freak out your "fresh-from-the-city" deer hunter, then nothing will. Hmm... I seem to recall some of our friends are thinking about houses. Hey, be the first on your block to hang from your block!

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2005
A Bar, for the Rest of Us

Liz gets a self-propelled no-prize for bringing us the BarMobile:

BARMOBILE is a mobile non-profit bar that enables persons to establish a bar in local situations, have a drink, meet, listen to music, etc., in any place they find suitable. It can be carried, mounted on a cart, in a car, on a bicycle trailer, or be transported in other ways.

If I'm dragging this thing behind my bike I think people will be griping a lot less about how slow I am. A baby trailer just doesn't have the same sort of cachet, don't ya know.

Posted by scott at 09:24 PM eMail this entry!
No No... Think of it as a Magic Sword

Ellen still makes fun of me because I've got all my old D&D stuff, even though I haven't played in more than fifteen years. So I really don't think this will work very well:

At first, d+d sex must be taken slow. While the male is likely incredibly excited at the thought of donning a warhelmet and engaging in a few "melee rounds," the female, sensitive creatures that they are, will probably be less enthusiastic. That's why there's a trick up your sleeve that will help warm them on to the idea: crappy romance novels.

Ask her to pretend she's in "the secret garden" or some crap like that. With any luck, you'll appeal to the side of her that loves doilies and black-and-white movies where people dance all the time, and she'll run for the spare wheelchair so you can roleplay properly. Bide your time, captain - let her pretend to be "anne of green gables." After some time, indicate to her that you'd like to act out a romance novel featuring a barbarian warlord. She'll most likely eat up the notion, which is when you bring out the first piece in true d+d sex: the dice. Give them a roll on the end table in the middle of "the act" and yell out "crap! wandering monster!"

The thing is, the game is on its, what, fifth revision? It's a totally different system now, I'd have no idea how to play it.

Oh dear lord. I really am a nerd!

Posted by scott at 09:54 AM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2005
You Know You Want One

In the annals (as it were) of all things "i", we're proud to present the iPorn. Finally, a stylish widget that will allow anyone to view porn anywhere.

This aughta make metro rides a lot more interesting. Just as long as Joshua sits on the other side of the isle.

Note: Safe for work.

Posted by scott at 08:04 PM eMail this entry!
Sorta Like the Phone Company Telling You to Call them with Phone Problems

From one of my car digests: when the developer is too lazy and/or distracted to read their own error messages. It's actually a bit of a quandry around here as well... how to tell people the network's down without using the network?

I'm sorry, I don't understand... what is this thing you call, "tell-ah-fone"?

Posted by scott at 12:50 PM eMail this entry!
Safe to Say This Ad Won't Be Seen in the US

Best. Politically Incorrect. Ad. Ever. (Note: video link, safe for work, if not safe for good taste.)

Via Blackfive.

Posted by scott at 10:32 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2005
Jeff, Your Days are Numbered

Because I just found out a way to make the Cruiser turn 13.5s without unbolting a thing:

So how did it work? Awesome. Simply awesome. We started out with a 50HP nitrous jet with 100% excess fuel. Hitting the horn at 4000RPM in 2nd gear felt like 15 lbs of boost. Were we happy? Nope! Onward to the 75HP jet and only 50% excess fuel.

Ok no, I won't blow the plenum off the only real car we own just so I can, well, p3wn his black redneckMobile. But you never know... it'd be worth threatening to do this just to watch him twitch off the line when I blew the horn*.

-----
* True story: Jeff and I were at my workplace once, and Ellen picked me up in her old V6 Alfa Milano. Jeff was following us (in his then green, slightly earlier model Trans-Am) out to the highway so he could get home. Arlington is a sea of four-lane street roads with traffic lights, so in the dark winter night it was inevitable. We eventually pulled up side by side at a red light. I could tell Jeff wasn't paying attention, so I decided to have some fun. "When the light turns green, nail it, but let off after a hundred feet," I said.

"What?!? He's in a Trans Am... he'll stomp us!" she exclaimed.

"No, really, this'll be fun, just do it."

BOOM!!! Off we went, six Italian cylinders thrashing. Jeff was watching, I dunno, some other car or something, and so we immediately jumped out ahead. It didn't take long for him to hook it up and blow past us, but by then we'd already shut down, street code for "done." We had beat him off the line. To a street light samurai, to be beaten by a dinky Italian sedan was the ultimate dishonor.

"See! He just blew past us! What was the point?" she asked.

"Wait for it," I said.

Sure enough, two lights up, it goes red, and there we were, side by side, nobody behind or in front of us.

"Rev with him, but don't move a muscle when it goes green," I told Ellen. A good sport always, and pretty sure what was going to happen next, she even ticked it into neutral, zinging the high-strung Alfa 6 and giving Jeff her most innocent grin.

When the light turned green, it was like the world exploded in tire smoke and engine roar. Windows rattled, small children cried, and priests crossed themselves as our erstwhile drag-race ninja tried valiantly to reclaim his and his Pontiac's honor, to no avail.

Because you could almost hear the theme from the Godfather weeping in the background as Ellen, unprompted, calmly put the Alfa into gear and then slowly pulled even with him before the next light.

"Here," I said, "endeth the lesson."

Posted by scott at 08:20 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely not for "Low Flush" Toilets

So if they can train an elephant to use the potty, how come my cats still crap on the floor? Actually, that's nearly fixed now; what I really need is to find a way to keep them from puking on the dining room table.

Life with cats is so grand.

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
The Fries are Strong with This One

Jeff gets a no-prize with "angry eyes" for bringing us news of Darth Spud, what has to be one of the more unusual of Lucas's merchandising licenses. What's next? X-Wing burgers?

Don't answer that.

I find your lack of salt disturbing...

Posted by scott at 11:01 AM eMail this entry!
Ninja Wizards!

Robert H. (via One Hand Clapping) gets, like, a great no prize for bringing us an example of what it would look like if Joshua, myself, Damion, and Ron were to plan the assault on Mordor. We will leave it to the readers's imaginations as to who plays which role.

Posted by scott at 09:53 AM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2005
Ellen will Probably Want to Give Them a Medal

"I know it when I see it" is the standard line for deciding if it's art, or if it's crap. Of course, that line is in different places for different people:

Three German refuse collectors are to be sent on an Art Appreciation Course after accidentally taking down and incinerating a sculpture in Frankfurt, believing it was rubbish.
...
The artist conceded that it was possible he had been almost too successful, as his aim was to create something so real, it would not be seen as art.

"Almost" isn't the word for it.

Posted by scott at 01:57 PM eMail this entry!
Also, a Hopped Up Honda with a Dragon on the Side

We've called our friend Damion's Honda "Trogdor" for years now, even though it usually got puzzled looks from most folks. Well, now you can learn what it really means. Sort of.

Grow up? Us?

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2005
I Think We Shall Call Him, "iApostate"

Joshua gets that stylish, cool, and amazingly functional no-prize he's been drooling over (for the bargain price of $3600) for bringing us the iProduct. What, you may ask, is the iProduct? Duh, it's from Apple. It doesn't matter! You want one! It's so freaking cool!!!

Not to be outdone by himself (Joshua's a strange egg sometimes) he also brings us Apple Haters Unite! which reveals the other side of the computer coin. You know, the one where the guy with the pony tail* and the earbuds sneers about your trailer trash computer.

Note: If the text looks all weird and chunky, click the image once to enlarge.

----
* Not actually Joshua, who co-incidentally has a pony tail. Our wookie friend straddles a fine line that lies between appreciating engineering for its own sake, while also understanding it sometimes doesn't really matter what it looks like on the outside as long as it's stuffed with electronicky goodness on the inside.

Posted by scott at 03:21 PM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2005
When Motivational Speakers Attack

Why couldn't they have speakers like this when I was in high school:

William Fried told eighth-graders at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School that stripping and exotic dancing could be lucrative career moves for girls, offering as much as $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size.
...
[School principal Joseph] Di Salvo heard about the exchange when the mother of a student called him the next morning. She said she was outraged when her son announced that he was forgoing college for a career in a field he truly loves -- fishing -- and said she found Fried's handout even more disconcerting.

I was hoping he'd announced a career as a male stripper, but you can't have everything. You'd think the guy would at least get his advice straight. It's porn first, then exotic dancing.

Rrrm... ah... so I've heard, anyway.

Posted by scott at 04:03 PM eMail this entry!
Our Father, Who Art in Cyberspace

Liz's next no-prize will be delivered on a very special CD-ROM for bringing us DigiBless.com, a site that promises to bring the power of the holy spirit to your computer's files. No, really:

At our site you can have all of your electronic documents blessed with a blessing of your own choice, using our Holy Server.

Here at DigiBless we have decided that it is time to bring God into the virtual world, and so we provide this service free to believers all around the world.

Hopefully the debunk squad in the gallery (aka Joshua) can clue us in if this one's a hoax. I'm not sure... this one's just loopy enough to be real.

Posted by scott at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2005
Gotta be Called Something

Drat. Someone beat us to our next child's name:

Just in time for Christmas, Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon got a gift from the state Court of Appeals: a name change. The Albuquerque resident's new name will be Variable.

Feeling quirky? Head out to Albuquerque!

Posted by scott at 09:21 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2005
Well, at Least it Didn't Happen in Dumas

But it did happen in West Memphis:

Arkansas' naked jogger has been zapped.

For months, officers have been getting reports about a man making late-night runs in the buff. On Monday, police said they think they got their mystery jogger.

Oh shaddup. Just go sit over there and be quiet.

Posted by scott at 01:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 12, 2005
Just When I Thought Liberals Couldn't Get Any Dumber

Well, some liberals anyway. The ones who figured out how to con their less-clueful brethren into paying $9.00 for something their TV will do for free are actually pretty damned clever.

All of our own yellow-dog peanut gallery denizens either are or are married to someone who tinkers with electronics professionally. But hey, if you like I'll come out to your house and lock out whatever the heck you want for a six of Sam Adams. That'll be quite a bit less than this thing. Whatabargain!

Via IFOC.

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2005
Dial 1-800-TOLLSEX

Remember folks, proofread proofread proofread:

Oklahoma highway users wishing to call the state about electronic payment passes were mistakenly directed to a sex hotline.

True story: At work we have 2 toll free numbers; one goes to our helpline, the other straight to our PBX (allowing staff to check voicemail and outside staff to reach local staff toll free). The former is an 800 number, the later is an 888 number. The president of the board of directors got confused one day and dialed 888-[helpline number], trying to reach a staff member. She got a phone sex line.

Which she then related to the entire staff in an e-mail. Did I mention this person was a sixty-[mumble] year old retired Texas teacher? She looked like Mary Poppins's mother. I learned some things that day... one, you gotta watch out for those little old ladies, and two, sometimes it's good to be the king queen.

Ron gets a no-prize with a naughty phone number inscribed on its base for leading us to yet another example of the speed and efficiency of our public servants.

Posted by scott at 06:46 PM eMail this entry!
Looks Like a Cat Toy to Us

For that arts-and-crafts anatomy major in your life, we have the knitted uterus. No, really!

Posted by scott at 03:57 PM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2005
Mom? Is that You?

Nah. My mom forgets where she hides Christmas presents. She's got nothing on this lady:

Sunshine Coast [Australia] great-grandmother Terry Horder got the fright of her life when she accidentally stuck her eyes shut with super-strength glue.

Filed under "funny" because nobody (ultimately) got hurt.

Me? I have a small child. I'll be the one who gets super glue poured in his ear...

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
Only if I can Throw Peanuts at Him

While this project to include a "pink ape" (i.e. human) in a zoo's collection at first seems really avant-garde and controversial, a closer reading reveals it's simply an artist trying to get a free ride:

The successful applicant for the post of zoo human ... should be housed in an environment that is natural to them. As I am an artist, my natural environment would be a live/work space. My space should be equipped with all the necessary tools to make a suite of furniture / sculpture.

On second thought, it might not be such a bad idea to require all NEA grant recipients to take up residence in a space that can be easily viewed by the public. I'd even support relaxing the rules a little bit, just so I could get the chance to heckle that moron that came up with the "urine Jesus" thing.

Of course, if it happened I'm sure the protests over "restricting artistic expression" over an increase in available funding would be spectacular.

Posted by scott at 12:27 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Ron & Amber, White Courtesy Phone Please

I'm sure the Starbucks junkies referenced above have heard all about it by now, but just in case: $3 for fancy hot chocolate, anyone?

Chantico may be a fancy name for what essentially is a cocoa beverage, but Starbucks wants its patrons to think of it as something different, more like a "drinkable dessert."
...
A six-ounce cup of Chantico will vary in price between $2.65 to $2.95.

Equally rich is Chantico's caloric content. A six-ounce cup of Chantico contains 390 calories, 20g of fat and 50g of carbs.

Good thing they both go to the gym.

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2005
Just Don't Eat it When You're Done

Liz gets a snow-packed no-prize for bringing us the yellow snow writing machine. Maybe now chicks will understand?

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
January 07, 2005
Too Much Information!

Hey is that a sausage in your pants?

Posted by Ellen at 07:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2005
Caveat Emptor? Wtf is that?

And on the latest-and-greatest classified system Craigslist, we find an instructive entry on "why you shouldn't include a photograph of something you're trying to sell just because you think it's cool" (pampered? Yeah right.) Also, a free tombstone! Whatabargain! As long as you're named "Homer Isenberg" anyway. Time to get that power of attorney from mom...

Posted by scott at 09:14 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2005
The "Apple" of Steve Jobs's God's Eye?

While nearly everyone is now well-acquainted with the Microsoft product cycle (announce two years in advance, release three months late, patch a month later, patch the patch the next day, etc.), not everyone may be as familiar with Apple's:

The Mac rumor sites spring into action. Liberally quoting “reliable” sources inside Cupertino, irrelevant “experts,” and each other, they quickly transform baseless speculation into widely accepted fact.

Eager Mac-heads fan the flames by flooding the Mac discussion forums with more groundless conjecture. Threads pop up around feature wish lists, favorite colors, and likely retail price points. In a matter of days, a third-hand, unsubstantiated rumor blossoms into a hand-held device that can do everything except find a girlfriend for a fat, smelly nerd.

One of our peanut gallery residents recently purchased a Dell Gateway laptop because he wasn't able to pay twice as much for an equivalent Apple product. His chagrin was almost palpable, and I was quite surprised he even admitted to it (facilitated perhaps because he was safe inside the confines of Castle Wingnut, a bastion of tacky Microsoft and incomprehensibly weird Linux). I'm still waiting for him to show up at my door being chased by The Faithful with pitchforks and torches for his apostasy.

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
If Only They Were This Subtle

Frank provides us with a great look at what the White House Press Corps would really have liked to ask at a recent press conference:

"With the death toll from the tsunami likely to hit 150,000, is the Bush administration finally ready to admit that the war in Iraq was a mistake?" a reporter.

Scott just stared back silently in response.
...
"Okay! That's it!" Scott shouted angrily, "I put up with your questions about whether Laci Peterson and her child would still be alive if it weren't for the war in Iraq and whether the Matrix sequels would have been better if we hadn't 'rush to war,' but now I'm drawing the line. I want some relevant questions."

"How do you respond to the water god Pochanto saying that the tsunami is in retaliation to Abu Grahib?" another reporter asked.

The way Frank ends the conference is how we'd all like to see them end.

Posted by scott at 12:08 PM eMail this entry!
January 01, 2005
Crime Blotter, Crime Humor

Sometimes policing is tough. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes though, sometimes it's just damned weird.

Posted by scott at 09:57 AM eMail this entry!
December 31, 2004
Dur IV

Ok, I was wrong... this is the last 2004 recipient of our "Captain Obvious Story of the Year" award:

A new study gives scientific clout to a conclusion many already see as obvious: Eating lots of fast food makes you fat and increases the chance of developing diabetes.

Your tax dollars at work!

Posted by scott at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
When Stockings Aren't the Only Thing You're Looking to Stuff

The title says it all: what's wrong with this picture?

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 10:17 AM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2004
More News, for the Rest of Us

Scrappleface does it again with the real reason the Bush administration has come under fire about its "reaction" to the recent south Asian disaster:

"Along with the millions of displaced victims are dozens of reporters and their crews trapped in Crawford, Texas, during the holidays," said presidential spokesman Trent Duffy. "The White House press corps is in desperate need of quotes and video of the president's reaction to world events."

It's not called The Beast for nothing. The only real mistake the administration made was not feeding it fast enough.

Posted by scott at 02:55 PM eMail this entry!
Thank You for Calling Tech Support...

In honor of me blowing up my own computer* just now, I'm happy to link this tech support stories site:

Cut from our email support log:

This morning I tried to sign on and for a purple screen. After several tried with different browsers then I got the message you were down. I tried to exit. It went to a background with huge pixels and stuck. I mean no amount of rebooting would get rid of it. Finally I had to reset my wallpaper.

Oldies (lots of DOS and Win 95 references), but still eye-roll worthy. Do a search on our site for "Welcome to My World" and you'll see these are not unique incidents.

----
* Yes, I know what I did wrong. Yes, it was really stupid. No, you can't help.

Posted by scott at 12:31 PM eMail this entry!
Thank You for Calling Tech Support...

In honor of me blowing my own computer* up just now, I'm happy to link up this tech support stories site:

Cut from our email support log:

This morning I tried to sign on and for a purple screen. After several tried with different browsers then I got the message you were down. I tried to exit. It went to a background with huge pixels and stuck. I mean no amount of rebooting would get rid of it. Finally I had to reset my wallpaper.

Do a search on our site for "Welcome to My World" and you'll see these are not unique incidents.

----
* Yes, I know what I did wrong. Yes, it was really stupid. No, you can't help.

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
Dur III

Our final "Captain Obvious Story" award of the year goes to this recycled AP news report:

Alcohol use among minors is highest in communities where it is easy for them to buy it, a new study has found, according to an Associated Press report.

Ya don't say! I've also heard that people get into far more car accidents in areas where cars are driven!

No great surprise that the director of the study that generated this regurgitated press release came from the People's Republic of Berkeley, CA. And to think people wonder why that state is running such a monster deficit.

Posted by scott at 07:50 AM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2004
Mousy Boobs?
Posted by scott at 08:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2004
When Boyfriends Attack

Ah, long-distance dating. The Joyous Hellos. The Sad Sad Goodbyes. The Armaments as Christmas Presents not Quite Making it Through Airport Security:

Rummage Lady showed X-ray Lady what was in the bag, all the while careful to conceal it from me, which i thought was very nice. there was a commotion, as X-ray Lady and Rummage Lady looked completely baffled. they whispered many words to each other, looking in shock back toward me. i’m going to jail. then i’m going to kill Frank J. Rummage Lady took the bag to a center area where there were many Feds. oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness, they are so going to arrest me! this is going to be great blogfodder! suddenly there were 5 or 6 TSA agents standing near me, and Trying Not to Laugh Man was standing in front of me. “ma’am, we’re going to have to send all of your items back through the x-ray machine. you need to take everything off again.” i don’t think i’m making my flight. i wonder if they have Wi-Fi in jail.

See Ellen, there are much worse things than making you laugh out loud on the train because I gave you a funny book before you left all those years ago. You owe me a dollar if you've forgotten!

Posted by scott at 06:58 PM eMail this entry!
Heh...

It takes a bit to get going, but Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, and a Marine gave me a chuckle at the end. Making the rounds via the usual suspects.

Posted by scott at 06:01 PM eMail this entry!
I bet that's a Really Long Receipt

US software companies got nothing on this guy:

Vladimir Osipov, from the southern Russian town of Yeisk, showed up at his local notary office in the Krasnoyarsk region with a document affirming his ownership of all the clouds in the air over Earth, the Novye Izvestia daily reported.

When my brother was six he claimed ownership of an entire crop dusting company, right down to the airstrip they used. Something tells me this guy's chances of enforcing his ownership rights are about as good as Jeff's were back then.

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
December 27, 2004
I Was a Teenage Stick Thumper

And Other Fine Things I Learned in the SCA:

Billing itself as "The Middle Ages as they Should Have Been," the Society for Creative Anachronism is, much like BDS&M, Wicca, and sci-fi fandom, a product of Berkeley in the '60s. The best way to explain SCA is that it's what is often referred to as a "historical recreation." However, there's an awful lot of BDS&M, Wicca, and fandom thrown in, so what this actually means is that large groups of people, most of whom (including—nay, especially—the women) look like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, dress up in ridiculous costumes and pretend they're living in made-up medieval kingdoms. It's a perfect escape from that all-too-disturbing "real world" into a happy fun land painted by pre-Raphaelites on crack.

I've always wondered just what, exactly, the relationship was between the Renaissance Fair folks and the SCA folks. I have a feeling both would deny any, even though the resemblance is plain to see.

Ah who am I kidding. I still have all my AD&D stuff from high school. Except for the sex and the thwacking with sticks, I could be the guy who wrote this article. We gotta hope Olivia ends up being pretty, because she's getting bupkiss in the social skills department from us.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2004
Pot, Kettle, Black, etc. II

The best part about this Honda ricers suck page is it's written by someone who likes Mitsubishis. The day after Christmas is always a great time for irony, donchathink?

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
December 24, 2004
The Dad Who Sold Christmas

This is something I learned a long, long time ago... moms tend to be flexible, while dads have boundaries that must never be crossed. The moral: dads don't bluff:

There's not much laughter today at the home of a Pasadena information technology specialist who has decided to auction off his kids' Christmas presents - and possibly dismantle the family tree - because the youngsters, ages 9, 11 and 15, have been naughty, not nice.

The teenager basically told dad he didn't have the cajones to go through with it. Which makes this particular daddy smile. Then again I've always been a mean bastard.

Posted by scott at 11:14 AM eMail this entry!
December 23, 2004
Well of Course He Tried to Hide it

Sometimes Christmas even comes for newspaper editors:

Man fined for hiding his salami

A SWISS student is counting the cost of hiding a sausage, after being charged under Australia's strict quarantine laws and fined $4,000 in a Perth court.

Actually, I like it when really goofy stuff like this comes up during the holidays. It means there's nothing important going on, somewhere.

Posted by scott at 08:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2004
~ Join the Love Train, Love Train ~

Actually, I wonder how many a real one could hold:

The miniature train company Marklin is packing a condom alongside a blue freight car emblazoned with the name of Blausiegel, a German condom maker.

Try explaining that car to grandma!

Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
Pots, Kettles, "Black", etc.

Remember folks, the environment's only important when it lets you stick it to the United States:

The 25 fisheries ministers of the European Union have rejected a plan to close areas of the North Sea to cod fishing. And for the fifth year running they have ignored scientists' pleas to stop cod fishing in the North Sea entirely, instead allowing a catch for 2005 of 27,300 tonnes, the same as 2004.

I only expect to hear more about it when the hippies figure out how to pin it on Bush.

Posted by scott at 12:52 PM eMail this entry!
A Long Time Ago, on a Cheesy TV Special Far, Far, Away...

So let us all take a brief moment out of our busy holiday season to contemplate what is considered the worst moment in TV holiday special history: the Star Wars Christmas special.

Considering it was only shown once, and more than twenty-five years ago, it's remarkable just how much of this thing I do remember. I guess that just shows how absolutely nutty I and my friends were over this movie. I don't recall it being that bad, but I was only 9. I wonder if Richie, Ellen's brother and the biggest Star Wars nut I know, has a copy of this thing?

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2004
Blasphemy? Us?!?

I can think of no more perfect Christmas gift for our resident heathen Joshua than the running Jesus game. Note: I'm not a Christian and even I think this one's pretty tacky. Which is, of course, why we linked it!

Posted by scott at 02:51 PM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2004
NO!!! Not Santa!!!

A whole collaborative of photos of kids who don't want to sit on Santa's lap.

I did Olivia's picture this weekend with Santa. It went badly.

Now all I have to do is manage to scan it to disc and submit the photo!

Posted by Ellen at 07:14 PM eMail this entry!
Now that's What I Call an Endorsement

Like the man said, God loves burritos. Actually, I tend toward enchiladas myself, but if the Almighty smiles at something, why, that's good enough for me!

Posted by scott at 05:44 PM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2004
It's Got that Great, Ranty Freshness

Misha's been gone for awhile, but he's back and in fine form, shooting moonbats as they twirl in the night:

[...] three long years later -- many Americans still refuse to even dignify the attack by asking, "Why did they do it?"

And that's where you and your Idiotarian Ilk are sadly mistaken. We know perfectly well why they hate us, and we don't give a fuck.
...
They hate us because we succeed where they abysmally fail.

They are a textbook example of Penis Envy on a Geopolitical Scale and they are only too well aware of it. They know that their oppressed masses secretly laugh at them and long for the day when they can turn the tables on their oppressors, they know that that time is coming soon and they know that they're powerless to stop it.

If you haven't figured it out already, the Emperor enjoys a rather... piquant... style of language. Mom would tut-tut over the swearing, but that's just because she's slowing down now.

I'm not sure we'd want Mandrake and Misha in a room together. Well, maybe. It would certainly be interesting to see who's head would 'asplode first.

Posted by scott at 01:10 PM eMail this entry!
Bad Science, Good Humor

Slashdot linked up the 2004 bad science awards:

But the winner [of the Least plausible cosmetics claim] was a hair-straightening treatment by Bioionic, called Ionic Hair Retexturizing: "Water molecules are broken down to a fraction of their previous size ... diminutive enough to penetrate through the cuticle, and eventually into the core of each hair". Shrinking molecules caused some concern among the physicists at the ceremony, since IHR was available just 200 yards away, and the only other groups who have managed to create superdense quark-gluon plasma used a relativistic heavy ion collider. The prospect of such equipment being used by hairdressers was deemed worthy of further investigation.

Maybe that will be the stuff that lets me grow my hair long! Hot damn, where's my credit card...

Posted by scott at 09:24 AM eMail this entry!
Mama Italia!

An oldie but a goodie, the difference between Italy and the rest of Europe. I especially like the one about elections.

Posted by scott at 07:17 AM eMail this entry!
December 16, 2004
Well, at Least We Know What SNAFU Means in English

Today's episode of "explosives lost by security people and flown half-way across the world" is brought to you by Newark Liberty International Airport:

Security screeners at Newark Liberty International Airport lost a bag containing fake explosives used to test the airport's bomb-detection system, federal officials said on Wednesday.

The bag was mistakenly loaded on a Continental Airlines flight to Amsterdam, where it was retrieved on arrival, the U.S. Transportation Security Administration said.

Reporter Jon Hurdle also gets a gold star for "most droll reporter of the year." Read the whole thing, you'll see.

Posted by scott at 11:48 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2004
~ Oh Come All Ye Cheesy / Tacky is Triumphant ~

Oh we're not done yet folks! Now we have a collection of some of the ugliest, weirdest Christmas decorations ever. While these are pretty funny, I'm sure there are others. Be the first on your block to sport a Holiday Special Editiontm no-prize by sending us your most bizzarre or funny holiday decorations. Batteries included!

Posted by scott at 02:07 PM eMail this entry!
At Least He's not from Arkansas

Otherwise Ellen would have no end of fun:

Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was playing a practical joke by donning the Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal de Alajuela, about 20 miles north of San Jose [Costa Rica].

I mean, really, what could possibly go wrong? Hint: Costa Ricans have guns. Funny only because he managed not to get himself killed.

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
It's a Wonderful [Bunny] Life

Cheri gets a no-prize with rabbit ears attached for bringing us the latest "in 30 seconds, with bunnies" installment... It's a Wonderful Life. Nowhere near as twisted as, say, "The Exorcist in 30 seconds, with bunnies", but still worth a smile or two.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2004
That's Mister Bear Guy to You, Bub

I know, I know. But I can't help myself! Two big burly guys holding cute fuzzy bears they made themselves is just funny. It is! I see you smiling! Oh yes you did! Don't you make me come over there!

Gah. I need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 02:39 PM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2004
Dude, Where's My Syllabus?

Ron gets a no-prize on a California beach for bringing us news that if you try hard enough, you can write a research project on anything:

Dude, you’ve got to read this. A linguist from the University of Pittsburgh has published a scholarly paper deconstructing and deciphering the word “dude,” contending it is much more than a catchall for lazy, inarticulate surfers, skaters, slackers and teenagers.

Interesting enough, once you get past all the "where's my car?" references.

Posted by scott at 03:22 PM eMail this entry!
If Only it Were This Easy

Just in time for the holidays, the perfect gift for the wannabe-god in your life, the Religion Creator. You too can have your very own holy texts, just plug in the words and off you go!

Mad libs are so much easier when a computer's involved. Don't forget to use the word "goober"!

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
Mmm... Tacky... II

Not to be outdone by Madame Tussauds, a northern English tourist attraction goes even further:

English vicars have banded together to protest against a Christmas grotto in which Santa lies beheaded, his elves have been impaled and visitors are greeted by the devil.

With all this protesting at various tasteless English nativity scenes, one wonders if the good clergy will actually have time to officiate the holiday.

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2004
I Sure Could've Used this Today

We call them "monkey pits", those areas in malls, department stores, and fast food joints that allow you to sit on the edge while your very own monkey scrambles and screams with all the rest. Well now it would seem someone's taken the next logical step:

Marks and Spencer, the venerable British department store chain, said Wednesday it was creating playpens for men in six of its stores, fully equipped with everything to keep the guys entertained for hours.

The lads will be able to settle back in sofas and watch a selection of films and TV programmes such as The Best of Monty Python and Football's Greatest Ever Matches.

Each area will also boast a Scalextric slot-car racing set, remote-control quad bikes and walkie-talkies.

I'd give the TV a miss, but damn... slot cars!!!. It'd probably get to the point where I'd be dragging her out...

"Honey, we're out of... umm... candles! Time to go to mall!!!"

Posted by scott at 04:34 PM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2004
Like I Said, Ka-BOOM!

Jeff gets an explosively loud no-prize for sending us these pictures of what a Desert Eagle .50 looks like when it's fired. No, that's not us, but that's definitely what it looked like:

Even with two sets of hearing protectors it still felt like I was getting smacked in the ear with a ball peen hammer. And it wasn't just the noise. There was also the two foot flame that shot out of the barrel with every round, making me worry we might actually set the wooden walls of our stall on fire.

Me, I think I'm gonna stick to rifles. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Posted by scott at 11:04 AM eMail this entry!
I Thought This Stuff Only Happened at Berkeley

Well, this certainly seems to be one answer to the "college wardrobe" problem:

Students have long enjoyed an informal policy allowing them to go naked on [Vermont's Bennington College] campus. Whether it was as a topless sunbather lounging on the lawn or students running naked at an annual bonfire party, college officials turned a blind eye.

But when a student strolled around campus naked this summer during an orientation session when parents were visiting campus, the new dean reprimanded him.

The winter has "put a temporary pause to the dispute", but protests are planned as soon as the temperature rises. Gotta love college!

Posted by scott at 10:51 AM eMail this entry!
December 10, 2004
At Least Christmas Shopping for My Mom is Now Complete

And if we expedite shipping she just might get it in time. It might be a little weird seeing someone wearing a hat that's taller than they are, but hey, you can't have everything. This aughta get those veterans's attention, no?

Posted by scott at 01:32 PM eMail this entry!
That's a Helluva Shot

Boy, I wish I had this option when I lived on Four Mile Run:

The people, who live in one of Moscow's apartment blocks, were infuriated with the unceasing and irritating sound of the car alarm outside. Someone, who was desperately seeking silence and tranquility, dropped a sink down on the car. The car owner is grieving, but his neighbors are happy to enjoy the silence.

We used to play "baseball toss" from our 9th floor dorm window in college, and it was no mean feat to get something meant to be thrown to the right person on the ground*. Kudos to the marksmanship of whomever did the deed.

----
* It was a lot more fun doing it in the dark. Damn we were dumb...

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
Not that There's Anything Wrong with that

Joshua gets a pink girly no-prize for bringing us evidence that even the hyper-masculine Russel Crowe was quite willing to do anything to break into film. Yeah, I don't care all that much either, but the guy likes to punch people out for looking at him. Might as well have a little fun at his expense.

Note: Main pictures are SFW, but includes banner ads that sometimes show boobz.

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2004
Hey Richie, Think We Can Use Your Mom's Back Yard?

Have sandcrawler, will travel:

Not so long ago in a galaxy far, far away -- or just southeast of Philadelphia -- Mike Degirolamo had a plan.

He wanted to build a 20-by-12-foot model of a Jawa Sandcrawler, a hulking transport vehicle from the original "Star Wars" film, before the next installment of the saga "Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" opens in May.

To get the project done, he doesn't need the Force, but rather the power to persuade the township council it's a worthy project.

There's a building just down the road from my house, right outside the Dulles Airport grounds, that looks just like a sandcrawler. Nobody seems to know what, exactly, it's for. Some claim it's "NSA South", others that it's just a goofy office building. Whatever, it lets Ellen and me hyperspace to super-geekdom when we start Jawa babbling at each other every time we drive by.

We need to get out more.

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
December 08, 2004
Mmm... Tacky...

For proof positive that America is not the only place in the world with wacky tacky holiday decorations, we have Madame Tussaud's "Beckham Nativity":

In the tableau, Australian pop star Kylie Minogue hovers above the crib as an angel while "Posh Spice" Victoria lays her shawled head tenderly on [Joseph ne-]Beckham's shoulder.

Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men. The shepherds are played by Hollywood star Samuel L. Jackson, British actor Hugh Grant and camp Irish comedian Graham Norton.

Church leaders are, not surprisingly, somewhat less than amused. I'd be more interested in what was underneath Mary's dress.

What? Oh stop gasping. It's only wax.

Heh.

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2004
That's About All I Got Out of Mine

Most informative college handbook, evah.

Yet another lesson in why we shouldn't trust second-year juniors with our websites, eh?

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2004
I Wonder if SNAFU Translates into French?

Ya know, training explosives-sniffing dogs is tricky. I mean, it's one thing for the pooches to just pick the stuff out on the training field, quite another to do it in the high-pressure world of an airport. So why not train them in the airport? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Police at Paris' top airport lost track of a passenger's bag in which plastic explosives were placed to train bomb-sniffing dogs, police said Saturday. Warned that the bag may have gotten on any of nearly 90 flights from Charles de Gaulle, authorities searched planes upon arrival in Los Angeles and New York.

Gotta love 'em!

Via Drumwaster...

Posted by scott at 04:09 PM eMail this entry!
Alcohol was Involved? Ya Don't Say...

Ron gets an angry, drunken no-prize for bringing us news of the shortest. Wedding. Evah:

According to the reports, the happy marriage lasted for all of 90 minutes before Anderson, enraged at a drunken toast to the bridesmaids by her new husband at their reception, violently hit him over the head with an ashtray.

Considering Ron's own impending nuptuals, I wonder at the timing.

Bah. Doesn't matter. His problem will be waking up on a bus bound for Maggie's Nipples Wyoming (I am not making the name up) dressed in a bathrobe with nothing but a pack of gum in his wallet.

Heh.

Posted by scott at 02:08 PM eMail this entry!
Dur II

When politics tries to use science to further an agenda, the most ridiculous items can become news. Witness our latest "Captain Obvious's Headline of the Week" award winner:

Teenagers fail to see the consequences

Juveniles may find it harder than adults to foresee the consequences of their actions. The finding may explain why teenagers act compulsively and take more risks.

Well thanks for that one. Oh, and don't forget to post scientific proof that water is wet when you get the chance!

It's all about anti-death penalty activists trying to get under-18s exempt. Personally, I'm against the death penalty overall. I don't think it works, I think it's too expensive, and I think the chances of a tragic mistake are too high. You can disagree, and I'll respect that, it's just my opinion*. But trying to exempt a specific section of people just because they're young and stupid is just, well, stupid.

----
* I'm quite happy with tossing them into deep dark holes for the rest of their lives. Again, you can differ, and this is just my opinion. Since this is one of those "automatic flamewar" topics, keep that in mind before you post an 800 word screed on why you do or do not support the thing.

Posted by scott at 09:36 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2004
~ Your Own / Personal / Cheesus ~

Pleased to be presenting Your Customized Grilled Cheese Relic Builder. I personally like the cylon one.

Posted by scott at 07:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2004
"Brand" Names

Lair is having fun "rebranding" Democrats. I'm having fun watching. Go have fun too!

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
Well now isn't that Special

Sometimes a cop's job is scary. Somtimes it's weird. Other times, well, other times it's just plain goofy:

Medina County authorities pulled over an experienced high school teacher this week, but it was what the man was wearing inside his vehicle that raised some officer's eyebrows.
...
When the driver, Cloverleaf High School teacher Mark Wurstle, stepped out of the vehicle, he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, along with a pair of panties.

With pic and video!

Posted by scott at 08:13 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2004
When a Gesture Just isn't Enough

You knew it had to happen, and just in time for Christmas: Road Rage Cards! Each one boldly printed in large lettering, with convenient reversed wording on the back for those times you need to "send a message through a mirror".

No, Ellen, you can't have any. You'd end up driving one-handed the entire time.

Posted by scott at 02:32 PM eMail this entry!
Not Fair at All

Well, there goes my secret plan to get rich being a Canadian stripper:

The Canadian government, under fire because one of its ministers has been accused of giving preferential treatment to a Romanian stripper, said on Wednesday it was scrapping a program that handed out temporary work permits to foreign-born exotic dancers.

Now what am I gonna do with all these pasties?!?

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2004
Merry Mazeltovirsmas!

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "My husband is Jewish and I'm a Christian. When it comes to the holidays we have to flip a coin in order to have a tree or a menorah in the bay window. We even have fights over matzoh balls vs. the pork roast! HELP!
Sincerely,
Rotating Holiday Jews and Christians"

Fear Not RHJC's! AMCGLTD is here to help! We're happy to bring you the ulitimate in collaborative holidays, Chrismukkah!! You can have those matzoh balls and roast the same night! How about dreidel mistletoe? Can't figure out to do with the Menorah and the tree? How about topping that tree with the Menorah! You can even make kosher fruit cake! Instead of a top hat on that snowman, use a Yarmulke! Be creative! Don't use candles in the Menorah, use candy canes! The ideas are endless! Your grandmother and his Great Aunt Esther can finally get along!

Supplies are limited! Act now!

Scott, over my shoulder: "oh my God. You are so totally going to hell for this."

Posted by Ellen at 07:09 PM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2004
You Gotta be Kidding Me

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "it's time to 'fix' Spot, but he doesn't even know he's broken! How can I best ease the transition from doggy stud-muffin to canine castrati?"

Fear not, fellow dog-snipper, AMCGLTD is here to help! Introducing the Oh Nuts, I've Been Neutered Gift Box, the perfect product for your pitifully painful pooch. It's a steal at only $24.88, available now from everyone's favorite trailer retailer, Wal Mart. Order yours today and put a smile on that sad little e-collared face!

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2004
I Wonder if it Involves the Pizza Guy?

The oldest example of printed pornography goes on sale next month:

The book centers on the decision made by a lustful King to "set the nation free" by allowing "buggary" to be "used thro' all the land" and then details the dire consequences.

Somehow I just don't think a classic "bow-chikka-bow-bow" soundtrack would work as well on a harpsichord.

Posted by scott at 03:52 PM eMail this entry!
Just as Long as the Mushroom Clouds Don't Obscure the Eiffel Tower

Scrappleface brings what I'm sure will be very welcome news to our "Captain Euro" fans:

After a week of tough negotiating by France, Germany and Britain, the Islamic Republic of Iran has conceded to reduce the size of nuclear warheads it will use in the eventual bombing of Paris, Berlin and London.

Because we all know just how important getting along and being popular with the other kids is, right?

Posted by scott at 01:34 PM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2004
A Reality Show, for the Rest of Us

Move over Sue Johansen, there's a new boinking sheriff in town:

Jamie and Charlotte are an improbably gorgeous couple who had an improbable amount of sex, four or five times a week, until Charlotte let slip that in all those trips to the carnival, she had never once seen the fireworks go off. So to speak.

Thus begins the first episode of Sex Inspectors, a much-discussed series on Britain's Channel 4 that doesn't so much push the boundaries of television as shove the boundaries to the ground and rip all their clothes off.
...
Sex Inspectors airs at 11 p.m., but even at that late hour the show has to abide by standards set by Ofcom, the government broadcast regulator. In other words, Harris says, no penetration shots, and particularly graphic acts are filmed using thermal imaging, which is bound to have viewers squinting at the squirming coloured blotches to figure out the action.

Time to set the Tivo...

Posted by scott at 08:05 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2004
So That's Where They all Went

Making the rounds:

Illegal Aliens Crossing into Canada
Canada Deals With Bush-Dodgers

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out.

Posted by scott at 10:09 AM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2004
Must... Kill... Numbers...

Joshua gets a red, square no-prize for bringing us Catch-33, the perfect distraction from the standard chaos of this noisy ebarassing family holiday.

Posted by scott at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2004
Waiver? We Don't Need no Stinking Waiver!

Ok guys, just wanted you all to know waivers will not be needed at our house tomorrow, mainly because Ellen's cooking. Also, since Ellen's cooking, one would expect... consequences... were a guest to, in her words, "imply disrespect."

Posted by scott at 05:22 PM eMail this entry!
Dumb and Dumber-er

Remember the old Midvale Scool for the gifted cartoon? Well, it looks like, when he graduated, that kid moved to Australia and then went bad:

Three hooded bandits in eastern Australia bungled a would-be robbery when they apparently mistook a restaurant's sliding door for a swinging one, police said.

Like I've always said... people turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

Posted by scott at 11:35 AM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2004
Dur

And the "Captain Obvious Headline of the Year Award" goes to:

This WaPo / AP wire report:

Race Was Motive for Over Half the Hate Crimes in 2003, FBI Reports

As Ellen said this morning when I read the headline to her, "ya think?"

Yet another example of how ridiculous "qualifying" a crime based on a particular motive can become.

Posted by scott at 02:27 PM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2004
Dungeon, Majestically Bad

If you've ever played D&D (or AD&D), tried to make your own documentary, been in a Ren Fair, been to a Ren Fair, or don't even know what a Ren Fair is, Dungeon Majesty is for you!

The intro is howl-inducingly bad, but once the interviews start it actually becomes pretty damned funny. I thought it was quite enjoyable, in a "look-at-what-we-did-with-a-PC-and-a-camera" sort of way.

And yes, Olivia, daddy was every bit as nerdy as that when he was growing up. As if you didn't know.

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
Brings a Whole New Meaning to "Stocking Stuffer"

Boy, nothing says love like an "Anal Massage". Or not.

Actually, according to this, the result is a technical by-product (as it were) of the fact that Target.com and Amazon.com are run by the same company. Apparently the product is a book title in Amazon's catalog. We'll let that one sink in for a bit.

Ok, all together now... EWWWWwwwww!!!

Posted by scott at 12:52 PM eMail this entry!
An Idea Who's Time has Come

There's recycling, and then there's recycling:

A Spanish scrapyard has come up with a smashing way of helping people take out their frustrations on modern living.

For 40 euros ($52), they can pick up sledgehammers and bash away on anything from cars and computers to mobile phones and even photos of the boss.

As I recall, my mom once offered a junk dealer $50 to let her wail away on a junk car, but the owner said liability laws kept him from doing it. Stupid lawyers. VOTE NOW FOR TORT REFORM SO YOU TOO CAN BASH A CAR TO FLINDERS.

Posted by scott at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2004
Howard Stern- Norman Rockwell Style

This is too funny!

Posted by Ellen at 07:07 PM eMail this entry!
HA-HA!

The explosive was lying in the lap of the man, who intended to put it under the car seat, according to the initial information.

Can ya tell I really don't feel sorry for the jerk. No virgins for your sorry ass in Heaven.

Posted by Ellen at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2004
November 19, 2004
Fashionable Foil Hats

Hey! I think I found Xmas stocking stuffers for our favorite mOOnBats!

Posted by Ellen at 08:32 PM eMail this entry!
Muppet Friends!

The best part of watching children's programs is sometimes you see your friends in the characters. We're still watching for others, but for now we definitely have found the first two. So, without further ado, those of you wondering what the "true selves" of Ron and Amber actually look like...

(Yeah, I know, hundreds of you [well, ok, the other three of you] don't know or care. Trust me, when you get your own blog, making fun of your "real life" friends will become great sport. Or not. Waddayawant... like you didn't already know we were social retards...)

pdawn.jpg

Amber, pre-bridezilla

cmonster.gif

Ron, basically all the time

What kid's show character reminds you of your friends?

Posted by Ellen at 05:09 PM eMail this entry!
Mmm... Tasteless...

Cheri gets a no-prize with a big weird grin on it for bringing us this silly bit of fluff. Yes, it's goofy. Yes, it's more than a little dumb. Yes, it's quite tacky indeed.

Which means it's a perfect fit for this website! Hooray for tacky!

Posted by scott at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2004
Say it Ain't So!

They're shootin' porn in that there van:

The Local 10 Problem Solvers discovered hardcore porn being shot, produced and distributed right here in South Florida. But the setting isn't a darkened movie set, it's a van that could be driving right next to you.

Yup, busybody South Florida newsies have finally sumbled across ye ol' BangBus. Or, perhaps more likely, some intern got busted at "Local 10s" offices browsing the grandaddy of all "porn-on-the-street" sites and called it "research" to save his job. It's the "oh-my-lawd, what shall we do?!?" breathlessness of the article that really clinches it. Must be a sweeps month or something.

Posted by scott at 03:55 PM eMail this entry!
Lemurs and Walks and Wine, Oh My!

Silflay linked up John Cleese's new web site. The intro video looks pretty interesting, but he's not working for free. However, the cost isn't outrageous, certainly nothing like some of the... rmm... "other" sorts of subscription websites out there (so I've been told, mind you). We'll just have to keep an eye on this one, then.

Posted by scott at 01:00 PM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2004
A Little Perspective

Is violent death ever funny? No, not really, but irony and hypocrisy, well, those are different matters altogether:

(2004-11-16) -- NBC News reporter Kevin Sites today declined to accept Al-Jazeera's Best News Video Award for 2004, insisting that there are many reporters who deserve the recognition, and that he just "happened to be in the right place at the right time."
...
"I'm no hero," Mr. Sites said. "The real heroes are the executives at NBC News who had the guts to show my video over and over, even after all the heat they took for refusing to show footage of terrorists beheading innocent American civilians. I think that speaks volumes about their character and professionalism."

Hmm? Oh I've never claimed to be anything but a hypocrite. I'm just a hypocrite who has no problem with good guys shooting terrorists.

Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2004
Just Don't Walk in the Rain with it

Why put a Christmas tree up in your house when you can just wear one instead?

I've already been informed we will be putting up the tree downstairs, which is currently off-limits to an unsupervised "O-monster". Apparently toddlers and decorations do not mix.

Posted by scott at 12:57 PM eMail this entry!
Like a Train Wreck, with Boobs

Those of you who missed the now-famous Anna Nicole "performance" at the AMA's on Sunday will be pleased to know the Internet has provided you with a re-run. I caught the last few seconds of this one live, just enough to wonder if I saw what I thought I saw. It was only after the presenters started cracking jokes about it that I realized "yup, that's what I saw." Fark consensus is "Xanax and Wild Turkey", although her creepy-weird lawyer friend says she just couldn't read the 'prompter.

Yeah. That's it... nearsightedness!

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2004
Riddle Me This

What do you think would happen if a bunch of loopy lefties held themselves a peace rally, and a whole bunch of Marines showed up? Let's find out:

After figuring out the lay of the land, one of the Marines pulled out his cell phone and called a few friends. Within minutes, we had almost twenty young Marines on site. They chatted with some of the older veterans; they mugged for photos, holding our signs; and, much to the dismay of our anti-war friends, they disrupted their rally by getting together and letting out a few hearty war cries: HOO-RAH!

Actually, everything ended up nice and peaceful. Freedom of assembly at its best. With pictures!

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
Car Talk

Making the rounds:

What's going on in the specialty/classic car forums?

Bentley Forum
- - - I used the ash tray today. Do I need to replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forum
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forum
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Honda forum
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forum
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over? it ain't stolen, yo.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forum
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy 4X4 forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Ford Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Prius forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forum
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forum
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forum
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. Best way to get urine stains out of leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 jet fighter tried to race me.

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - - Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

Neon SRT Forum
- - - Will this void my warranty?

RX7 Forum
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forum
- - - Transmission Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me

Supra Forum
- - - Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forum
- - - Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forum
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

Hmm? What about Alfas? Well, ok:

Alfa Romeo forum
- - - [new Alfas:] Have to turn left blinker on to get car to start, wtf?
- - - [old Alfas:] Loosened all head nuts to re-torque gasket, heard gurgling sound. Is this bad?

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
How Tasty is it?

Remember that Thanksgiving-dinner-in-a-six-pack story we featured last week? Well, someone has actually reviewed the stuff. The verdict: two were not terrible, two were quite a bit far beyond. Ain't the internet grand?

Posted by scott at 09:29 AM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2004
BOIIINGG!!!

Joshua gets a stiff paper no-prize for bringing us news of a rather... interesting... new origami book:

Nick Robinson's "Very Naughty Origami" (Universe), shows novices how to turn a piece of paper into a penis or a pair of big boobs using just a few strategic folds.

And people think I have too much free time on my hands.

Posted by scott at 07:43 AM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2004
All it Really Needs is Some Shag Carpet

Slashdot linked up this nifty old book from the 1970s that purports to explain "how computers work". Which it actually does decent enough job at, as long as you can get past how big everything was back then. Yes, Virginia, those washing machine-sized devices are hard drives. Probably 1-2 MB capacity each at $10,000 a pop. I mean, who would need anything bigger?

Posted by scott at 12:24 PM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2004
Excuse Me Sir, Your Dog is Ringing

The funny thing is, we actually have this one beat:

A Turkish petrol attendant who lost his mobile phone dialled the number to discover it had been eaten by his dog.

The man, from the province of Konya, could not believe his ears when his dog's stomach started ringing.

True story: A golden retriever came into Ellen's clinic with "foreign body symptoms"... basically, classic indications that the dog had eaten something he shouldn't have eaten. X-rays revealed a large obstruction in his stomach, which, after careful examination, was discovered to be a bra (Ellen's that good with X-rays). During surgery, it turned out to be a really nice bra, copper-colored and lacy, 34-D. So Ellen, well if you ask me being kinda weird but trying to do the right thing, washed and dried the thing and put it in a bag.

"We should've known something was up when a very small thin lady walked in and asked for the dog", she said. "But I said, 'here's your bra too, right out of the dog's stomach. We wanted to save it because it was so fancy!'"

The woman suddenly went all cold and flinty. "That's not my bra" she said, doing a passable Clint Eastwood imitation in the process. Ellen said she thought she could hear the wistle from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" in the background.

"Umm... well... okSeeYouNextWeekForShotsAndStitchRemoval!" (Ellen talks fast when things go pear-shaped on her).

"Oh it's not the dog you should be worried about", she said darkly as she left, dog leash in one hand and someone's bra in the other.

Apparently, by reports, she did show for the follow-up, so either the fallout stayed strictly verbal or, well, they never found the body.

See! Shaggy dog story! No web site should be without one!

Posted by scott at 09:46 AM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2004
Paging Venkman, Egon, Ray, and Winston. White Courtesy Phone Please

Bah. Who needs a proton pack when a webcam will do just fine?

Definitely gotta drag Ellen to this place. And then sneak up behind her and go BOO!

Rrmm... or not?

Posted by scott at 11:05 AM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2004
And Now for Something Completely Silly

Title says it all: Hamsters, in Hats. No Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2004
Honey, We're Heading to the Book Store!

There's incentive, and then there's incentive:

New York officials were red-faced on Friday after they discovered that clothing ads on city buses that appeared to promote reading suggested a love of books could be rewarded with oral sex.

I still listen to enough pop music that I can just about keep up with slang. Which, when coupled with my "white boy from Mars" diction, will give me yet another way to completely embarass my daughter in, oh, about 12 years.

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
No, Ellen, You Can't Have One of These Either

Boys raised by wolves, dogs raised by cats, and now rats raised by birds???

Rottie the rat thinks he is a bird... But it comes as no surprise when one realises that Madam and Tokkelos, two lovebirds, are raising this rodent.

There's interesting times, and then there's interesting times.

Posted by scott at 01:13 PM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2004
My Mom's Theme Song

Pat gets high bid on a no-prize for bringing us Weird Al's most excellent E-bay parody song. Includes lyrics and the song itself. A++ indeed!

Posted by scott at 09:34 AM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2004
Ah, the 70s... the ABBA, the Afros, the Shaved Cat Butts... Waitaminute...

From the Institute of Interior Desecrations we're happy to present the 1971 dream home. The sad thing is, I recognize some of that stuff from my parents's old house. Remember folks, some of us never noticed how campy the Brady Bunch was because our houses looked like that too!

Note: Fark-found, so the site is crawling right now. Be patient, it's worth it.

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2004
A Candidate, for the Rest of Us

It's a damned shame I've already voted, because if I'd heard of this guy before today, well, things coulda been different:

If Jack Grimes were in charge of America, he says, he would finally set things right.

He would establish a fascist dictatorship based on the teachings of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein, and he would rely on telepathy and astrology to help him make his decisions.

It's bound to happen, he says, since he's been sent "by the gods" to revive the "Roman empire."

Ok, all those times I called you guys unreasonable moonbats twirling away merrily in a bell tower? Ok, well, I'm not going to take them back. But I am definitely not going to say you're twirling in a bell tower anymore. Well, ok, I probably will. But at least now I know you'll have company!

Yeah yeah yeah, "GW's already done all this", you say.

In a public forum.

After you've already voted against him.

With a sign for his opponent on your lawn.

Sheesh. Some people just can't take a damned joke. Now where'd I put that braille book...

Posted by scott at 02:51 PM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2004
Wax em Good!!

A video clip on a guy getting his nuts waxed.

The facial expression are priceless!

Posted by Ellen at 09:49 PM eMail this entry!
I Wonder What a Vending Machine Full of This Would Look Like?

I guess the biggest question is, why didn't any of us think of this first?

Holy Spring Water™ is 100% pure natural spring water, that tastes great and has been blessed by a Monk, a Catholic Priest, as well as Holy Shaman. Holy Spring water™ washes away the sins of anyone feeling "less then saintly". Try our Holy Spring Water™, You'll immediately fell refreshed and redeemed-your satisfaction is guaranteed.

Heh... for that "less than saintly" feeling. Blasphemy, commercialism, and tackiness all wrapped up in a single website. Perfect!

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
~ Llama-Llama-Duck ~

In honor of our recent bike outing, wherein Amber and Ellen became Menaces to the Free Flow of Traffic and Disturbed the Peace by suddenly stopping and girl-shrieking about a trailside Llama farm, we are happy to present the Llama song.

And no, they're not cute. Anything that spits at you on principles is not cute.

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2004
Don't Blame Me, Blame Mom

Pat gets a beery no-prize for bringing us the greatest beer game, ever.

No no no... thank her.

Posted by scott at 05:20 PM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2004
STFU Already!
Get Over Yourselves.jpg
Posted by Ellen at 08:44 PM eMail this entry!
When Customers Attack

While this story about yet another person turning a department store into a drive-through is pretty pedestrian, the headline on fark wasn't:

If you don't want people driving cars into your store, don't call it Target

True story: Just after 9-11, Aviation Week took a picture of an F-16 in a banking turn, with the Pentagon in the upper-left. What interested me, though, was in the lower-right. There, in all its strip-mall glory, was Potomac Yard, where Ellen worked at a pet clinic. And right next to it was a giant Target with, and I'm not making this up, a giant bulls-eye painted on the roof.

Like they needed any help...

Posted by scott at 03:27 PM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2004
As Long as Mandrake Keeps Posting I'll Know He's OK

De blogger, he just asploded!

Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre death of a blogger whose head literally exploded in the final week of the election!

No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but a small room at the blogger's residence was sprayed with blood and brain matter when Gerard Van der Leun's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Blogosis or HCB .

Hmm? Me? Oh hell I drink too much for this to be a real problem. I'd probably just chalk it up to a hangover and link another story about, I dunno, genetically engineered cats taking over Venus or something.

But I do think a few of our more vociferous bloggers on both sides of the fence should invest in some heavy-duty steel head bands for use in the next few days.

Also, compare with this two year old ditty of our own. The names have changed, but the sentiment is still the same. And damned if Glenn didn't meet the same fate both times!

Via ASV

Posted by scott at 11:50 AM eMail this entry!
An Ad, for the Rest of Us

IFOC linked up the best political ad I have seen to-date. Since it's directed by none other than David Zucker (of Airplane fame), it even has some cinematic bona fides (of the pie-throwing sort, but hey).

If they were all like this, election season would almost certainly be a lot less annoying. Well, to me anyway.

Posted by scott at 09:56 AM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2004
Too Bad it Won't Work on a T-Shirt

Sure it's snake oil, but you gotta love that logo (upper right corner).

Note: Pseudo-viagra website. No NSFW pictures, but it does talk a rather lot about sex, albeit in a clinical fashion.

Posted by scott at 02:24 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2004
Special is as Special Does

This one reminds me of a very old joke:

Q: Why do Mac users get to park in handicapped spaces?

A: They have an Apple logo on their windshield.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the meatloaf!

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
Veins. Filling. With. Sugar... Cuteness... Overload...

Yes, I already know this will be Olivia around, oh, Haloween 2006. Lord knows she's already got the booting and swatting down flat. Of the cats, Ajax (who is Homestar's spiritual brother in attitude) just sort of puts up with it. The rest learned long ago how to hide in Olivia-proof locations.

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
Like the Beatles, with Bombs

"AMCGLTD", we hear you ask, "we're trying to bring peace, justice, and the Islamic way to the rest of the world, but Americans keep blowing us up! They turned all our cool clubhouses in Afghanistan into kitty litter, and then knocked over Saddam like a toddler mowing down a stack of blocks. Iran is afraid to sneeze loudly lest they find infidel tanks at their doorstep, and the Israelis run over Palestinians before they can even fuse their bombs! We can't get anything done. Help!"

Fear not, young Islamo-fascist! AMCGLTD is here to help! Point your mullah-blessed browser to Taliban Reunited, a one-stop-shop for all your terrorist insurgent needs. You'll find everything from training camp locators to snazzy logo mugs. You'll even be able to read Osama's own personal reminiscings! Don't delay!

And remember, this site is meant to help B-2 bombers us locate you each other! Don't forget to update your personal profile with your exact location every chance you get. Be sure to include latitude, longitude, and elevation!

Via On the Third Hand.

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
Redneck Rampage

What happens when the quantum particles of inspiration that drive young men to do unspeakable things to unsuspecting Hondas and Hundais miss their target? Well, this, I think:

1980 CAMARO Z 28 MONSTER TRUCK

TAKE THIS BAD BOY TO THE BEACH THIS IS A 1980 REAL Z28 CAMARO 4X4 WITH T TOPS AND 44 INCH TIRES

Mom always wanted to push Jeff's old Trans Am (which is of the same vintage) into a lake because it was always breaking down and costing money. I think this would be a much more entertaining fate. But I've been called a subversive iconoclast before.

I'll just save Amber a step and say "no, Ron, you can't have one."

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2004
We Should Call This, "Scott's Project Calculator" Instead

Attempting to calculate the incalculable, the Murphy's Law Calculator merely reassures you of something you already knew.

You really are the biggest screwup on the planet.

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
Have a Very Bloody Christmas

My shopping list is now complete:

It's really pretty simple. You submit name(s) of people who deserve to have their sleep interrupted by the buzz of a chainsaw and the sudden appearance of Spike Mike at the foot of their bed.

There's at least two guys that need this sort of thing. And I already know their significant others would be fiendishly willing participants. I just need to make sure I'm out of town when it happens...

Posted by scott at 10:00 AM eMail this entry!
Happy Birthday 2 U

Everyone blow a horn because today is the universe's 6,000th birthday:

At 6pm tonight at the Geological Society of London, scientists will raise their glasses to James Ussher, Archbishop of Armagh, who in 1650 used the chronology of the Bible to calculate the precise date and moment of creation.

Working from the book of Genesis, and risking some speculation on the Hebrew calendar, he calculated that it began at 6pm on Saturday October 22, 4004 BC.

And the people did rejoice, and did feast upon the lambs, and toads, and tree-sloths, and fruit-bats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals...

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2004
The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer?

For the astronaut who has everything: your very own 160 acre Martian homestead. $25! Whatabahgain!

Posted by scott at 02:12 PM eMail this entry!
Grandma's Happy Fist!

Joshua gets a kick-ass no-prize for bringing us this quick CGI movie of what Olivia might be like in about seven years. Hey, don't laugh, you should see her rocket down the slides at the local playground. That little kid is tough!

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2004
Busted!

Ok guys, when getting ready to secretly tape yourself making out with your girlfriend, please make sure she likes the music you're playing. Otherwise it could go, well, wrong. I'm not sure there's enough trouble in the world for this guy.

Note: Video link, safe for work as long as you keep the volume down (but not off).

Posted by scott at 09:32 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2004
Must. Resist. Urge. For. Reggae. Joke...

Ron gets a no-prize that'll only work in certain areas for bringing us this tale of revenge against the gizmo we all love to hate, as long as someone else is using it. The article opens with this priceless bon-mot:

It was the reporters who noticed first. Unable to call their editors while covering the weddings of the rich and famous, they asked the priest why their cell phones never worked at Sacred Heart. His reply: Israeli counterintelligence.

I told ya! I told ya! It's the Jooooooooos!!!

Posted by scott at 07:47 PM eMail this entry!
Set Your Time Machine to "Fringe"

Bah. Kids today. They think putting on platform shoes and bell bottoms is all you need to go disco. As this Tommy Seebach... rmm... "music video" demonstrates, you need far, far more. It takes talent to look that bad, and to this day I'm amazed anyone thinks reviving it is a good idea. Is it just me, or do all music acts from the 70s look like porn star rejects?

The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure I roller-scatedskated (gah... thank's Ron) to this "back in the day". In my defense, I was only 9.

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
And I Was Worried About My Kid Dialing 911

I guess the real question is, what was he doing to scare it so badly:

An Oregon man discovered earlier this month that his year-old Toshiba Corporation flat-screen TV was emitting an international distress signal picked up by a satellite, leading a search and rescue operation to his apartment in Corvallis, Oregon, 70 miles south of Portland.

You know it's getting bad when the electronics start calling for help all by themselves!

Posted by scott at 09:50 AM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2004
Actually, I Know Some People Like This

You got a weird group, we got a weird name:

We all know about social groups like Goths and gangbangers, but what about Food Court Druids and Unitards?

According to self-proclaimed "idiosynchrologist" Robert Lanham, a Food Court Druid is a Goth teenager who often plays "Magic The Gathering" while sitting in the food court of the mall.

Not so sure about the "unitards", although I can think of at least one person that would come close. Oh, and "jumping beans"? Next time you see Ellen, ask how Lola is doing.

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
Bad Karma! No Biscuit!

Yeah, I know it's bad to make fun of the soft-headed, especially when they have only the best of intentions, but I just can't stop chuckling at these photographs of ever-so-earnest yet delightfully wacky peace protestors. I wonder, if one of them met up with the truck loon from a few days ago, just how big the explosion would be?

And no, folks, nothing has changed. If you went back forty years, to the dawn of the Vietnam anti-war movement, the signs would be just as wacky. The only difference I can think of is there would be a lot more ties, hats, and dresses in the crowd.

And they were just about as effective, which is to say not very.

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2004
It's Like China's Taking Golf Lessons from my Dad

China proves the Great People's Republic can do a bang-up job landing satellites:

"The landing technology of our country's satellites is very mature and the precision of the landing point is among the best in the world. Members of the public need not worry about this," it also said, quoting Chinese space experts.

Of course, there's always going to be a slight problem, every once in awhile:

"The returning capsule only went through the roof [of the villager's house] and no one was injured or died. Experts who inspected the return capsule found it was not damaged at all," the report said, quoting local official Ai Yuqing.

I mean, China's a gigantic country... it took a lot of effort to land that satellite precisely in the middle of that guy's roof. One-in-a-million shot!

Posted by scott at 07:58 AM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2004
When Jon Stewart Attacks

Making the rounds... Jon Stewart smashes the crossfire crew. We're talking a complete smack-down here. They totally lost control of their own show, something I can't say I've ever seen in one of these lizard-fests.

Finally, someone who isn't afraid of the camera and can think on their feet twice as fast just goes after two of these talking bobbleheads, and mounts them on his wall when he's done.

For those on dial-up, a transcript is here.

Posted by scott at 10:14 AM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2004
Even I Think This is a Bit Extreme

Living in a house with five cats means we definitely have to deal with cat box issues. Well, ok, Ellen has to deal with them. Because, you know, making me do it might be, well, bad:

Court documents filed in Clallam County Superior Court tie an alleged arson in an apartment complex to a smelly cat litter box.

Besides, it smells bad enough when it just sits there. I can't imagine what the stench would be like if you set it on fire.

Posted by scott at 11:29 AM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2004
~ Spongy Ducky, You're the One ~

But not in Tennessee:

Katherine Williams says the yellow ducky sponge she put on sale at a flea market is merely a child's toy. City officials say the vibrator inside makes it a sex toy.

The lady sells adult toys as a business, so that would make her a little suspect, but come on guys... sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Posted by scott at 08:42 AM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2004
When Solos Attack

Where does your "love-to-hate-it" worst guitar solo rank?

Anything that puts Poison on a list multiple times is OK by me.

Posted by scott at 10:54 AM eMail this entry!
October 12, 2004
Holy Sh*t, They Do Exist, pt II

So the deep Freudian fear in men is the previously mentioned vagi-with-a-bite. The deep Freudian certainty in women is men really do think with their wangs.

Well, ladies, thanks to Liz Ditz (who receives a brainy no-prize that will do something embarassing if she rubs too hard when she dusts it), we have the ultimate truth, from that paragon of journalistic integrity, Weekly World News:

LADIES, you may believe that every man thinks with his penis, but Lionel Tampling is in a class by himself. Astounded doctors have found a rudimentary brain in the Australian's trouser trout!

Making stuff up? WWN? Well, hey, it's no worse than CBS!

Posted by scott at 08:38 PM eMail this entry!
Well, We do Need Some Ideas for Decorating Downstairs

Ron gets an avacado green no-prize for bringing us Eurobad '74, a collection of catalog samples representing the in look for interiors in 1974. The site seems to have collected its examples from European magazines, but I can remember most of this stuff being given away on gameshows in the US from the same period. I especially like all the "surprised" naked chicks randomly distributed in the pictures.

Site is safe for work, if not for eyes.

Posted by scott at 10:31 AM eMail this entry!
Ok, That's Two Michael Moore Films I Might See

Well, make that "seen", as I just now finished Fellowship 9/11, the scathing and almost true documentary revealing the real story behind the unjust and unjustified war between the denizens of Middle Earth and the peace-loving, law-abiding citizens of oil-rich Mordor. Yes, it's a little long, and yes, it's a little silly, and yes, it's mostly made up anyway, but hey, how does that make it any different from any other Michael Moore movie? Hmm? Hmmm?

Now where'd that Palantir get to...

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2004
Anti-Terrorism, for the Rest of Us

Scrappleface hits another one over the fence with news of Kerry's latest anti-terrorism initiative:

Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today announced the details of his plan to completely eliminate the nuisance of terrorism.

"I have a plan," said Mr. Kerry, "to create a do-not-terrorize list that Americans could sign up for on the internet. And if any terrorist would flout the law and attack someone whose name is on the list, he and his terror cell would be slammed with a $1,000 fine for each person killed and $500 for each injured survivor."

The saddest thing about the gallery's reaction is that some of them (no, not you, the other one) will try to patiently explain how this is a complete mis-statement of Kerry's position.

Yeah, ok, pull the other one, it has bells on.

Posted by scott at 07:22 PM eMail this entry!
Remember the (Boinking) Alamo!

Keep in mind kiddies, if you want to get your jollies off in public:

A man and woman landed in jail after witnesses told police they were seen having sex inside the [Alamo] Sunday.

They tossed Ozzie completely out of San Antonio, and he just peed on the thing.

--------
* Having lived near Texas for twenty-five of my past thirty-[mumble] years, I do have to say that the Alamo does actually rank higher than Texas Stadium. But only during the off season.

Posted by scott at 06:47 PM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2004
For Art, There is no Proper Spelling

Ron gets a no-prize with his named spelled wrong on it for bringing us this story of an art project gone wrong:

Livermore, a California city that prides itself as a center of advanced science, is spending thousands of dollars to correct many misspelled names on a city library mosaic, including that of Albert Einstein, a city official said Thursday.

Even better is the artist's reaction:

Maria Alquilar, the Miami artist who made the mosaic, said the errors would have been discovered sooner had city officials inspected the mosaic closely before its installation as she had requested.

No you dumb twit, the errors wouldn't have happened at all if you'd proofread your notes. Personal responsibility must be something that happens to other people in your world.

Posted by scott at 08:04 AM eMail this entry!
October 07, 2004
When Parents Attack

Hey, I can sympathise with this couple. I have it on good authority I narrowly avoided being named "Brian Scott", it being changed only when it was realized I would go through life being called "bullshit". Still no real clear explanation for why I go by my middle name though.

Pray for our own erstewhile next child though... if it's a boy I have been told that his name will be "Fangio Schumacher Johnson". Ellen's not even that much of an F-1 fan!

Oh sit down mom. I get naming rights to the next one. The middle name will be Fangio.

And no, we're not getting another one any time soon. Thank you very much.

Posted by scott at 08:24 PM eMail this entry!
And the Mud Goes, "Slurp Slurp Slurp"

Remember folks, sometimes it's good to check out the beach before you try to assault it. I wonder if Jeff (ex-Army) ever saw something like this go down?

Via Countercolumn.

Posted by scott at 10:55 AM eMail this entry!
When Editors Attack

Best. Headline. Ever.

Well, ok, maybe not the best, but I can just hear the "Beavis-and-Butthead" giggling that must've come out of the office of the guy who got this story.

Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2004
FYI

When having sex in a public restroom in Italy, make sure the door is closed:

Making love in a bar lavatory does not breach public decency laws so long as the door is shut, an Italian court ruled on Tuesday.

Yet another potential highlight of a European trip! Somehow I don't see it making the highlight reel though.

Posted by scott at 01:36 PM eMail this entry!
Swept Away, the Cyber Edition

The old movie Swept Away (which received a recent screening at our "surreal movie night" at casa AMCG, and now seems to be available on DVD) proved Italians will argue about politics even during their most personal moments. This BBC news article seems to indicate they'll argue about politics at any moment:

Reload [a social activist Italian computer hacker group] calls it Reality Hacking ... teamed up with another hacker group named Molleindustria ... they created an online May Day march. Virtual activists could march by choosing their own character complete with different hair colours and outfits.
...
Molleindustria also supplies simple computer games for Reload's activist projects.
...
In Tamatipico, you try to keep your assembly line worker happy by making sure he gets enough rest, enough food, and enough time in front of the television. If your workers not satisfied, he will go on strike.

Can a Doom3 mod in which the Imps march in picket lines protesting Hell's conditions be far behind?

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2004
Know Your Scrote

Your testicles are an invaluable source of pleasure to you, your loved ones, and your whole family! But what do you know about your firm, pendulous bringers of life?

Get the facts before it's too late!

Posted by Ellen at 08:35 PM eMail this entry!
Speaking of Satire...

Who would've thought John Kerry would be a classic TV fan:

CHUCKWAGON: Marshall Hayes needs your help, and pronto! That durned jackass got hisself into a gunfight with that desperado gang from up there in Sandy Flats!

JOHNNY NUANCE: That fool! I told him that taking on the Sandy Flats would be nothing but trouble! I told him they had nothing to do with that dynamite attack on the Mercantile Bank! I told him not to go, right after I told him to go!

CHUCKWAGON: I tells ya it’s a quagmire, Johnny. A real quagmire!

JOHNNY: You don’t have to tell me, Chuckwagon! I fought in Antietam. Where’s the Marshall?
...
COMMERCIAL SPOT TWO

VOICE OVER: Saddle up, buckaroos! Now you too can be an old west diplomat with the Johnny Nuance Deluxe Junior Negotiator Kit. It comes complete with authentic letters of reprimand, humanitarian aid resolutions, an official Johnny Nuance golden fountain pen and attache case!

BOY #1: Sign the cease-fire, Deadeye Dan… I’ve got you economically sanctioned!

BOY #2: Says who?

BOY #1: Says my broad multilateral coalition, that’s who!

CROWD OF BOYS: We pledge our support!

BOY #2: Grrr! I’m peacefully boxed in!

VOICE OVER: The Johnny Nuance Deluxe Junior Negotiator Kit from Plastico – now at Woolworths and wherever fine toys are sold.

Dang. 50 years too late. I coulda used a pen like that too!

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
A Diary, for the Rest of Us

Countercolumn linked up this, like, totally great diary from, like, a former human shield in the Iraq war:

Last night, some of the volunteers started playing poker on the bus. The very first hand, I won with three-of-a-kind. As I reached for the pot, Sean said how typical it was that Americans thought having the best cards entitled them to steal everyone else's natural resources. Oh my God, I felt so bad and Republican right then.
...
How come the happy stars who actually like people never want to save mankind? For instance, I bet Bono would have signed my journal. He's all political, but at least he remembers who buys the albums that allow him to jet-set around the world denouncing free-market capitalism. I mean, at least he's consistent.

As with all good satire, I fully expect the peanut gallery to sit back and scratch their heads, not understanding what's so goddamned funny. Which just makes me laugh more.

Posted by scott at 12:50 PM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2004
When Justices Attack

Who says Supreme Court Justices are boring?

Challenged about his views on sexual morality, Justice Scalia surprised his audience at Harvard University, telling them: "I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."

Makes you really wonder what might be going on behind those closed doors. On second thought, considering the average age of the various justices, I think I don't want to know after all.

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2004
Well, Ok, if not Mormon Dolls, How About This?

Meet the Grim Rapper, yet another signpost on the road to hip-hop's ultimate demise. Which begs the question, what's next? Bah. Who cares. I can't keep up with you damned kids as it is.

Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2004
Ah, Sweet Irony

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I'm sick and tired of my neighbor's kids screaming and yelling. And if I smell smoke from their cigarettes one more time, I'm gonna puke. It's time to right this situation with some good ol' gunboat lovin'. But I'm not sure if my invasion is justified. What am I to do?"

Fear not, neo-Frenchman! AMCGLTD is here to help! Take this "Officially Authorized, Internationally Recognized Global Test" to ensure your act of national self-protection will be recognized by the rest of the "mine. mine. mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. MINE. MINE. MINE." world. That's right, you too can give up national sovereignty to your spineless, cynical global competitors in the name of "co-operation" and "they-must-like-us-or-we'll-cry" sentiment. Don't delay! The next car bombing we blame on greedy westerners could be underneath your embassy!

Via On the Third Hand.

Why yes, I'd actually forgotten about Algeria. You UN-loving f-tards probably couldn't even find it on a map. But that's different. That's the French. We all know how important it is to have their approval. Why, any president who won't curry the favor of the butchers of October 17 should be voted out of office! Right? Right?!?

Posted by scott at 07:50 PM eMail this entry!
October 01, 2004
Secret Notes

Frank over at IMAO not only analyzes the debates line-by-line, he also managed to sneak out a copy of both Kerry's notes and Bush's notes. Both show deep insights into their thought processes. Or something. Probably involves a monkey or a laser if you check closely enough.

See? See? Us bloggers are everywhere. Nothing is safe!

Posted by scott at 02:13 PM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2004
Greased Lightning?

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? If you can, you're better than a 1/2 dozen redneck racecar drivers!

grease.jpg

Posted by Ellen at 08:53 PM eMail this entry!
*SPLASH*

(We're all about onomatopoeia today at AMCGLTD...)

Today's "SUV goes swimming" story brought to you by Los Altos, CA. The reason?

A woman had parked the Jeep at the top of the hill and did not put the vehicle in gear and didn't set the emergency brake.

Yeah, that's what I always do. Turn the car off and just get out. Don't you? I mean, what's the fun of coming back to the car being in the same parking space each time?

This one needs a sign that's day-glow green with flashing lights.

Via The Tao of Me.

Posted by scott at 11:03 AM eMail this entry!
I'd Just Call it a Parking Ticket

Well, here's one novel way to avoid traffic:

A man who told police he wanted to avoid traffic gridlock has been ticketed for landing a helicopter in his back yard.

Hey, weren't we all supposed to be getting around in flying cars by now? This guy's just an early adopter!

Posted by scott at 09:02 AM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2004
Arkies Arkies Everywhere

Ok, I'm not everything in this list, but I do "get" nearly all of them:

You Know You're From Arkansas When...
  • "Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson.
  • You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' Ouachita or Possum Grape.
  • You know what Toad Suck and Booger Holler are.
  • You think orange barrels are really part of the interstate system.

Ellen's a little trickier, because she comes from north of NYC but south of "upstate". Probably it's a melange of the city, Long Island, and a wee bit of Westchester.

Of course, I'm completely wrong about all of that. Ellen doesn't even have an accent! Just ask her!

Oh, and I guess we've been in Virginia long enough, because this one's a scream:

  • Speed limits are just suggestions
  • You are amazed when you go out of town and the people at McDonalds speak English
  • If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have three new names.

Ha!

Posted by scott at 03:39 PM eMail this entry!
Talk the Talk

Those of you who think George Bush's command of the English language is remarkable only in his ability to mangle it are also pleased to be sitting down and shutting the hell up:

In an unofficial but very formal poll taken in my freshman writing class the other day, George Bush beat John Kerry by a vote of 13 to 2 (14 to 2, if you count me). My students were not voting on the candidates' ideas. They were voting on the skill (or lack of skill) displayed in the presentation of those ideas
...
Nervous Democrats who see their candidate slipping in the polls console themselves by saying, "Just wait, the debates are coming.'' As someone who will vote for John Kerry even though I voted against him in my class, that's just what I'm worried about.

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 12:51 PM eMail this entry!
September 28, 2004
BlondeStar in Europe

Yes, Virginia, there really are people this dumb:

Four women have contacted police after being persuaded to stand topless in their windows or balconies so that a satellite could give them a mammogram.

It's not that our favorite blonde wouldn't do it, it's just that she'd be running late and would "miss the satellite" as it went by.

Via Redsugar Muse

Posted by scott at 03:51 PM eMail this entry!
True Italian

Pat gets a no-prize smothered in tomato "gravy" for e-mailing us the following humorous and "so-close-it's-scary" look into the lives of Italian-Americans:

Some of you that I have sent this to are not of Italian descent but can relate with your nationality &/or race. So just read, picture your family background & enjoy

  • Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from the discount Appliance store in the basement to cook.
  • There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, front, porch and backyard.
  • The living room is filled with old Bombonieri (they are too pretty to open) with poofy net bows and stale Almonds.
  • A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra is in the dining room.
  • God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can. (Tomato paste is the exception.)
  • The following are Italian Holidays:
    • First weekend in October - Grapes for the Wine
    • 3rd weekend in August - Tomatoes for the Gravy (Speaking of which, it's GRAVY and not Sauce).
  • Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol.
  • Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna.
  • If anyone EVER says ES- CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.
  • If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.
  • No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the gravy pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down - you'll make up for it next week at confession.
  • Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, what more do you want. All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno (Nona) & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table. First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nona called all spaghetti Macaroni)...change plates. After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Overcooked vegetables...change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)....change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones). Coffee (Espresso for Nono, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with Anisette, plus Hard Cookies to dip in the coffee. The kids go play...the men go to lay down...the women clean the kitchen.
  • Getting screamed at by Mom or Nona - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.
  • Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.
  • Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material.
  • Prom hair-do from Cousin Angela...Free.
  • Turning around at prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym...PRICELESS!

The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends.

Yup, that'd be my girl, almost 100%.

Posted by scott at 01:58 PM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2004
Finally, a Reason to Upgrade Ellen's Phone

Why spend thousands of dollars on surgery when all you really need is the right ring-tone on your cellphone:

Hideto Tomabechi ... claims to have developed a tune for ring tones that promises to increase the breast measurements of those who listen to it ... "I listened to the tune for a week expecting all the time that I was being duped," says Chieri Nakayama, a 19-year-old pin-up model, tells Shukan Gendai. "But, incredibly, my 87-centimeter bust grew to 89 centimeters! It was awesome!"

Hey, if a random "pin-up model" says it's for-real, well that's all I need. Honey, you're getting a new phone!

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
When Partisans Attack

Sometimes the dorks on the other side (either other side... Joshua's had this problem as well) steal your cool signs and rip off your bumper stickers with impunity. However, this story and this one too show that, occasionally, the bad guys get busted, or have a good idea go very bad:

I noticed that the car coming down the street was slowing down and pulling over to the curb right next to my yard ... Just as he was about to uproot and desecrate [my sign], I opened my gate and let my dog [run to the end of her lead and] make the initial introduction! As he ran to hide behind the rear end of his car, I promptly moved to the driver-side door, which was still open ... While my dog continued to "introduce" herself, I rolled up the window and hit the power door lock button ... slammed the door, grabbed my Bush sign and headed into the back yard.

Ah, sweet justice.

Via Siflay.

Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2004
Neurotically Foamy

Ok, ok, ok. Apparently we are the absolute, without a doubt, 100%, irretrivably last people on the planet to hear about Foamy the Squirrel and His World-Famous Rants.

Well, except for you, that is. Well, ok, maybe mom, but she hates animation, so that doesn't count.

Did I mention she wears two different shoes in public?

Anyway, if you want to hear a squirrely rendition of what Ellen's inner dialog is actually like, be sure to give these things a whirl.

Joshua just barely missed out on a no-prize for this one, beaten by FARK by only 3 hours.

Posted by scott at 08:16 PM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2004
Oh No! It's Makealovich Knight and His Car Kittinski

Ok, now we have proof even Eastern Europeans have too much time on their hands. Jeff's rust bucket would've done just as well. At least, once he put air in the tires and cleaned off all the tools and paint buckets.

Posted by scott at 10:50 AM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2004
~ Lowered Expectations ~

In the "kick-ass nerd" category, we have SingleNinjas.com, a one-stop-shop for the lonely Asian assassin. Or wannabe. From the looks of the pictures, mostly wannabe.

Posted by scott at 09:26 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2004
Ship vs. Bridge

Now this story about how the booming cruise ship business is outgrowing its harbors would be merely interesting were it not for the pictures of one of the newer Carnival cruise ships sailing underneath the Dames Point bridge in Jacksonville FL.

Clearing it by five feet.

Posted by scott at 06:09 PM eMail this entry!
I Wonder if "Chutzpah" Translates into Portugese?

Ron gets a blushing no-prize for bringing us this story of protectors needing protection:

Forty-six Brazilian policemen traveling to a sports competition were caught with their guard down this week when four Brazilian thieves robbed the bus carrying them to the event ... “We are looking for them, but I cannot say there’s any particular ardor here due to the fact that policemen have been robbed.”

"Brazen" just doesn't cover this one.

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
September 22, 2004
When "Hubba Hubba" Attacks

I learned two things from this article:

  • Australia has some seriously stone-cold hotties and isn't afraid to show 'em.
  • The US has no monopoly on busy-body talking heads who get vapors every time a lady steps out a bit.
  • [You are sleeping on the couch tonight -Ellen]

Rrrmm... ok, make that three things. Woot?

Posted by scott at 08:23 AM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2004
A Birth Story You Won't See on TLC

Possibly in the "oldie but goodie" section, we have The Lizard Birthing Story, wherein one daddy saves the day by rescuing a "pregnant" lizard that turned out not to need all that much rescuing after all.

Via Silflay.

What will I do when Olivia wants some animal or another as a pet? Same thing I did with her mom, say "no". Of course, considering how well that worked each time Ellen brought home a cat, I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

Posted by scott at 01:08 PM eMail this entry!
Revenge Return of the Dorks

Carrie gets a special edition no-prize for bringing us this representative sample of the "do as I say not as I do" attitudes of many (most?) Star Wars purists. She had one particular purist in mind, but of course he just scratched his head and growled a bit.

Posted by scott at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
September 20, 2004
Toys for Not-Really-Tots

The folks over at Landover Baptist Church have done it again, this time educating us about evil toys with a hidden agenda. Note: No pictures, but a pretty graphic opening paragraph. Still, couldn't help chuckling.

Posted by scott at 04:09 PM eMail this entry!
Trust Me, She Didn't Want to Marry Him Anyway

This has to be one of the funniest ways of breaking up with a girlfriend I've ever seen. There's no escape from Power Point!

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
When Technocrats Attack

Problem: the grand European Union, in its never-ending quest to protect and more importantly control its unruly subjects, has made it impossible for small-volume traditional cheese makers to stay in business.

Solution: Call it something else:

A Czech organic farmer whose family has made goat's cheese for six generations is evading new European Union food regulations by selling his produce as "animal feed", The Sunday Telegraph writes.
...
Mr Hajek said, writes the British paper, he is not responsible for what his customers do with the cheese, and has put up a sign outside his farm in southern Bohemia to that effect.

Consenting, informed adults using their own money to purchase something, and use it however they please. Can't have that. Might lead to dancing:

Armies of health inspectors have taken to standing outside the farm, interviewing customers about what they plan to do with the cheese.
...
Unable to close the legal loophole, Czech officials now claim that it is unfit for animal consumption because it is mixed with herbs and spices. Mr Hajek faces being closed down, or a million- crown fine, The Sunday Telegraph says in conclusion.

Nanny-statism at its finest. I can just hear the techno-dems now... "suppose he makes a bad batch and someone eats it who doesn't have insurance and has to go to the hospital and it all comes out of your tax dollars. Now see why it must be stopped?"

No. Not particularly. But then, I trust people to read labels, understand what they mean, and use this as a basis for a calculated risk. I trust people to accept the consequences of their actions regardless of the outcome. I want legislation that ensures the whiners and idiots who don't accept them are not able to use my government to transform foolishness into advantage. I want, in short, government to stay the hell out of our lives and let us live them on our own terms.

Democrats, feeling differently about all these points, will of course disagree.

But it could be worse. We could live in Europe.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2004
If Other People Had Kryptonite's Problem

Ok, obligatory background: Kryptonite bike locks have been proven to be ridiculously easy to pick, using just a bic pen. Their reaction: recall the locks, which might save them half a dozen lawsuits. Won't be much good against the other 20,000 though. But what would it be like if some other manufacturer or entitiy was responsible for this debacle? Well, let's find out::

The solution to the problem, THAT is the issue. Let's gather around and think of what the big organizations/individuals would do to solve a problem such as this.

US goverment: Liberate bike from thief using a squadron of B2 bombers. At one point or another, several brits die, even if Rhumself has to find them and kill them himself. Bic pens linked to Al-Qaida.
Australian goverment: Send in Steve Irwin. If he gets killed, it's a good thing. If catches the thief, it's a better thing.
Brittish goverment: Sod the thief, fancy a scone, dear chap?
United Nations: Convene in an emergency session, go into recess after 10 minutes for cookies and tea. In the end, they condemn the theft but none of them manages to do fuck all.
European Union: The French and the Brits start bitching at eachother about which country has superior Bic pens. Germany and Spain wonder since when the damn Brits are part of Europe. The rest of Europe tried to talk tough before getting bitchslapped into submission by Germany and France.

RIAA: Claim that people who open locks use it to fund terrorism. Randomly sue locksmiths.
Microsoft: Vehemently deny existence of faulty locks. Release hotfix for existing locks, which consists of pouring glue in keyhole.
SCO: Sue Bic, 3M, Canada, a random seagull and the tooth fairy for copyright infringement on their proprietary way of opening locks with ballpoints.

Richard Stallman: Proudly proclaim the bike simply wanted to be free.
Eric S Raymond: Something irrelevant that contains a plug for "The Cathedral and the Bazaar".
Larry Wall: Make all locks so confusing that thieves don't know how to open them. Nor do the owners. Or manufacturers, for that matter.
George Lucas: Make a movie about bikes being stolen with Bic pens. Milk this movie out until 2050.
Bruce Willis: Get a bunch of oil drillers to find the thief and shove a nuke up his ass. And for the love of Eris, someone PLEASE screw Liv Tyler!

Mine is sitting next to my computer, unused and not even pulled out of its package. Good thing I never actually got around to biking to the beer pub!

Posted by scott at 07:40 PM eMail this entry!
And People Think Our Politicians are Petty

Well, ok, they probably are. But New Zealand's seem to be catching up fast:

A Hamilton woman says she was embarrassed and offended when front-running city mayoral candidate Martin Elliott wiggled his little finger in her face and told her his main rival for the city's top political job "had a small one".

Let's hear it for "big" government!

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week... try the veal!

Posted by scott at 09:24 AM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2004
Thank You, Captain Obvious

FYI: Political campaigns aren't always teling the whole truth:

Whether a distortion on jobs, hairsplitting on health care or a half-told story about Iraq, facts are getting lost as President Bush and Democrat John Kerry reach full-throated roar in the campaign.

I don't know what's sadder... that they ran this story, that they felt they needed to, or that the information in the article will come as a revelation to many.

Is it noon yet?

Posted by scott at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2004
They Didn't Even Have to Use Their AK

Ever wonder why you don't hear about a gang problem in Canada? Well, turns out it's because their youth gangs can't talk:

A beastly crime spree has shocked the well-heeled residents of Whistler, a swank western Canadian ski resort that will host alpine events in the 2010 winter Olympics.

Black bears, which have learned how to unlock car doors and crack open dumpsters, are being blamed for nearly 100 house and car break-ins in the scenic mountain village so far this year.

Ron gets a honey jar no-prize for bringing us this story of a particular kind of "youth gone wild."

Posted by scott at 08:11 AM eMail this entry!
September 16, 2004
"Jaded" Just Doesn't Cover It

I knew Germans were formal and stuff, but these Berliners just take the cake:

So when [the department store] opened and a young woman - naked from the waist up - handed out sale leaflets to customers at the door she elicited no visible response whatsoever.

If I were shopping with Ellen I would have no visible response either, but that's just because I like certain portions of my anatomy to stay where they are, instead of in Ellen's clenched fist.

Posted by scott at 03:36 PM eMail this entry!
A Michael Moore Movie I Might Actually See
Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
September 15, 2004
Death Bunnies

First, there was Titanic. Now, Jaws.

Laughed out loud at this one. Maybe these guys really do have talent. Strange, rabbit-obsessed talent, but still...

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 03:23 PM eMail this entry!
September 14, 2004
Like the Star Wars Kid, Only Cooler

Joshua gets a ninja no-prize for bringing us this fine example of reach exceeding grasp. Ninja attack!

Posted by scott at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
It's All So Clear to Me Now

Instapundit linked up the obvious reason for the Rathergate debacle:

Clumsily forged documents would be released by the Kerry campaign to the media, creating a scandal designed to rebound on Kerry. Dan Rather, already planning his retirement, played the part of the sacrificial lamb in this scenario, giving up a short piece of his career for the good of the Democratic Party. Kerry [will] deny any wrongdoing, but will be 'persueded' by party members to step down as candidate. Then, a replacement candidate will be put on the ballot ... Yes, folks, you heard it here first. This whole RatherGate scandal has been the first stage in Operation Hillary in 04.

Why no, actually, my foil hat doesn't itch. Why do you ask?

Posted by scott at 02:06 PM eMail this entry!
The Peanut Gallery Probably Thinks I Have This Problem

Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? Note: video link, patience required.

Posted by scott at 10:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 13, 2004
Busted!

The whole "CBS Hoax" story came and went across the blogosphere while I was gone, forcing me to miss out posting at least a "ha-ha" in response. Well, nobody's ever accused me of missing an opportunity to lay my own whip to a deceased donkey, so HA-HA!:

On Wednesday night, CBS News released four memos it claimed were written in 1972 and 1973 by George W. Bush's commander in the Texas Air National Guard. In one of the documents, Lt. Col. Jerry B. Killian writes that a Guard official was "pushing to sugar coat" Bush's training evaluation; in another, Killian suspects that Bush is "talking to someone upstairs" about getting transferred. Within a few hours of the CBS report, bloggers were questioning the authenticity of the documents. By today, the doubts were on the front page of the Washington Post.

A very nice summary all-around. I remember reading the original story in the Post on the way to Day 0 (set-up day) of our convention and thinking, "here we go again." That big media fell all over itself to report this new wrinkle in Bush's ANG career while they sat on the Kerry/Cambodia fiasco until their asses burned was disappointing but not particularly surprising. When it turned out they rushed so fast they didn't even bother to make sure the documents were written on a typewriter, let alone had even the slightest whiff of legitimacy, well, let's just say "tickled pink" doesn't even cover what I felt.

Of course, the $64 question now is who really wrote the damned things? Who gave them to CBS? Why did they run so fast with them?

Yeah, I know the answers too, but I want to hear you say them out loud. ;)

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2004
Exit Only!!

The headline says it all; Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue".

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

Funny as shit! -as it were.

Posted by Ellen at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2004
Slow, Children at Play

A day in the life of a social worker/care giver of mentally disturbed boys.

Very interesting.

Posted by Ellen at 07:32 PM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2004
Anime on the Loose

Ok, I spotted Damion and Joshua already in this video clip from an Anime Con.

There was no Michael Moore fan for Mandrake to dress up as. SORRY! (You're supposed to have FUN at these gatherings!- *eViL GrIn*)

I have tentacles...and I do tentacally things with them! ROTFL!!

Posted by Ellen at 06:58 PM eMail this entry!
September 07, 2004
When Back Yards Attack

See, the thing is, if I do something like this I'll end up walking a long way home, because we got no back yard right now. The judges score an extra half point for inclusion of Scotty's not-quite-swearing. With Ellen as a mom though, I'm expecting Olivia to catch up rather quickly to her one-month-older blog-cousin, at least in the "colorful metaphor" department.

You see, as far as Ellen is concerned, if you can't use... well, umm... "fuh"... at least three times in a sentence, you're not really trying.

Posted by scott at 07:42 PM eMail this entry!
You Gotta Be Kidding Me (or, Flip Flop III)

Instapundit links up yet another flippy-flop, this time straight out of the candidate's mouth:

"[The owner of Toy's, a restaraunt at a campaign stop] just gives you what he's got, right?" Mr. Kerry added, continuing steadily off a gangplank of his own making: "And you don't have to worry, it's whatever he's cooked up that day. And I think that's the way it ought to work, for confused people like me who can't make up our minds."

It's callled a "free shot", and it's damned refreshing to see one inbound, instead of watching it sail toward grinning faces on the other side of the net.

Ok, everyone in the peanut gallery that made fun of my candidate's inability to pronounce "nuclear" (or some other verbal gaffe) now officially owe me a pizza.

Posted by scott at 07:34 PM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2004
Well, This Explains a Lot

Confused about the upcoming election? Wondering just exactly how everyone can be so sure they're right, when you don't even understand what they're saying? Fear not! The Swidge is for you!

I thought the libertarian and communist ones were the best. At least now I know why the peanut gallery gets all dreamy about Bill C.

Note: Video link, be patient, it's worth it.

Posted by scott at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2004
When Typos Attack

This Green Bay WI news article would be just another garden-variety "overturned on a technicality" story, were it not for this amazing revelation:

The “year-and-a-day” law states that if a victim survives more than 366 days, it can be “conclusively presumed that the injury did not cause the death.”

The law dates back about 800 years to the common-law era and went in effect when Wisconsin was a territory.

Them Indians were a lot more clever than you folks realize!

Posted by scott at 09:38 AM eMail this entry!
September 04, 2004
Well, at Least These are Meant for Kids

Star Wars kiddies rejoice! The animated Ewok TV movies are coming on DVD. Oh, you know, the ones made 20 years ago?

Hee! That sound you're hearing is Ellen's and Richie's bones creaking a bit. I told you guys you'd catch up with me eventually!

Posted by scott at 07:56 AM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2004
Bah, Ellen can Do This Already

Most of the time commercials are dumb and boring. Sometimes, though, they can be pretty damned clever. If you changed one of the actors into a short angry Italian chick and the other into a bouncy cheerful BlondeStar subscriber, you'd have spitting (HA!) images of Ellen and Amber.

Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2004
Adventures in Discount Land

Apparently an oldie, but one I'd not seen yet: the Wacky World of Wally World, wherein we get what seems to be a CSM's* eye view of what it's like to work for everyone's favorite discount chain, Wal Mart:

Toilet Gump came by the front checkouts today holding a thong and bra. I made the mistake of making a comment. I jokingly said "Those for you?" His reply to me was "Maybe after six or so beers." The therapist I have to see now because of that incident says whenever I remember that conversation I should just go to my happy place.

Never did have the pleasure of working for this bunch, although I did apply to the corporate office a few times. From reading these accounts, it's absolutely everything you'd think it would be.

-----
* Customer Service Manager... if I recall correctly, exactly one step up from a cashier. Sort of like the difference between a private and a private, first class (do they even have those anymore?)

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
Finally, a Review We Can Take Seriously

Nina gets a colorful no-prize for bringing us Spider-Man Reviews Crayons, a clever little photo essay about, well, crayons actually. Never knew dolls action figures could be quite that flexible.

No, not like that. The site is SFW. Geeze you people are sick.

Update: Part 2 is here and part 3 is here.

Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2004
Ninja Squirrel!!!

Ok, this is easily the funniest thing I have read so far this year, maybe ever. I'm literally wiping my face with my hands because I'm crying from laughing so hard:

Inches before impact [wiith my onrushing motorcycle], the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Nina's busy being a punk teen, so she's going to miss out, but you shouldn't! Swear to God, when he gets to the police cruiser if you're not at least giggling you're not human!

Highly, highly recommended.

Via Reflections in D Minor.

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
When Journalists Attack

Yup, I guess Ellen's right, everything does come in threes. In the space of ten days, we've had three journalists actually not be press-release-regurgitators. The final jewel in this triple crown comes from a British journalist who is neither dazzled nor impressed with Hollywood fuzzy thinking:

So I ask how Kosovo was a threat to US security.

'Ahm...' he hesitates. 'I believe... I'm not the right person to talk about this... but that region of the world, this is the way I've heard it put... Can I go get a cigarette?' He disappears and, as if having remembered his Noam Chomsky, returns a minute later with a ready-fit anti-imperialist answer. 'Where it's all flawed is this hegemonic belief that if you bring business to a country it will help them.'

Leaving aside what he had said a moment earlier about the Marshall Plan, I say that when I visited Kosovo it was less about bringing business than preventing communal bloodshed.

'I'm ignorant on this subject,' he admits, without bluster. 'I'd have to read up on it.' He returns to Iraq, a subject on which he has done a fair amount of reading. Contradicting himself once again, he repeats the line that the Iraq war was a neoconservative plot hatched in 1989 by Bush advisers who believed 'they could spread democracy. They thought they were altruistic' - so not about destabilisation after all - 'They were wrong.'

Robbins is not a politician and it is therefore a little unfair to parse his words, teasing out the contradictions and inconsistencies. But his muddled thinking, in which the only continuum is that American foreign policy is always bad, informs his writing as a dramatist. He shows me a scene that he's editing from Embedded that is both pretentious and simple-minded - not a happy combination - and is reminiscent of the worst shouty agitprop.

The whole article is a scream, shot through with that lovely dry British "look-I-don't-care-how-rich-or-good-looking-you-are-you're-still-an-idiot" attitude. I just wish our bunch had an attention span longer than a gnat's. Maybe then they'd remember these things.

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Via Misha.

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
pw3nd!

Note to all restaraunt managers: not paying someone enough to be smart doesn't mean they're not. Yeah, it's giggly-stupid-beavis-and-butthead-freshman stuff, but there's just something about seeing ANUS written in giant flashing lights that makes me giggle.

I need therapy.

Posted by scott at 02:38 PM eMail this entry!
August 29, 2004
More News, for the Rest of Us

Scrappleface reminds us that in every campaign, there are casualties:

Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today warned that America faces "a celebrity exhaustion crisis" if President George Bush wins reelection in November.

Well, a squeaky wheel does tend to get greased.

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2004
That's Mister Psycho Boss to You, Bub

Ron gets a poorly adjusted no-prize for bringing us news that your boss might actually be more than just an a-hole:

Is your boss a charming, well-educated and polished leader intent on climbing the career ladder? If so, he could be a psychopath, psychologists gathered in Stockholm said.

So moving into management doesn't just make you stupid, it makes you crazy too. Lovely!

Posted by scott at 01:34 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2004
I Especially like the SEAL Device

Joshua gets a very secure no-prize for bringing us this fascinating new look at upcoming automotive anti-theft devices. The only problem I have with them is that a lot of them sure do make a mess of the vehicle. But then again, the Alfa's interior is all plastic, what do I care?

Posted by scott at 04:06 PM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2004
When Free Time (and Bunnies) Attack

What do you get when you boil a 3 hour movie about a big boat down to 30 seconds and include bunnies? Well, this...

I'm coming to the conclusion Flash must be the easiest animation program in the world to use.

Posted by scott at 03:23 PM eMail this entry!
~ One of These Things is Not Like the Other ~

This one may be too subtle for non-car folk. Hint: Look closely at the interior of this Honda. A "symbolic" no-prize to the first person to comment with the correct answer.

Posted by scott at 12:00 PM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2004
Seared I Tell You, Seared

Instapundit noted big media is so powerful they can actually distort time itself:

Lapham must have written those words in July. Didn't it occur to him that his readers might notice he was claiming to have witnessed an event that had not occurred when the magazine went to press?" Er, or when the magazine arrived in the mail . . .

Eugene Volokh: "Good thing that people still read the reliable, credible Real Media instead of those nasty inaccurate, un-fact-checked blogs."

As the insta-one would say, indeed...

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
A Pyramid to the Future

Welcome to the world's most unlikely pyramid scheme: The Time Travel Fund, wherein a $5 investment is gauranteed to net you some 30 billion dollars in return.

As soon as they invent time travel, that is. No, really, time travel.

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2004
Not Just Second Children

Olivia's not close to 2 yet, and she can throw a tantrum that'd make Paris Hilton take notes. Likewise, we're not into our second child and we already do stuff like this:

After [he ate another bean out of the floor sweepings] I felt somewhat guilty, so I poked at Scotty with the broom when he returned yet a third time to the linoleum buffet. Eventually the prickly feel of the broomstraw on the tops of his feet was sufficient to drive him out of the room. I swept the pile up and tossed it outside.

Shhh... don't tell the grammas. They already think Olivia's just barely surviving. Which only proves that there's a second curse, not quite as well articulated...

One day, when you have grandchildren, you will act just like your mother does with you.

Grammas all over the world will nod sagely, but this is only because old people forget.

Posted by scott at 08:33 PM eMail this entry!
August 20, 2004
One Time, at Psychic Camp...

The name sorta says it all... Psychic Kids Summer Camp:

Of, By and For psychic, spiritually-awakened, profoundly aware, clairvoyant, clairsentient, multi-sensory, multi-dimensional young people, and for all people remembering their natural birthright. sometimes labeled Psychic, Star Kids, Crystal, Blue Ray, Mystical, Indigo Children.

My kid is smart enough, she doesn't need any more help figuring out what makes Daddy tick. And if I end up on their mailing list, there's a certain Rev. Heathen who'll have some 'splainin to do.

Posted by scott at 01:01 PM eMail this entry!
News We Can Use

A politician is in trouble. Scrappleface is there:

Senator Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, does not pose an immediate threat to the security of the American homeland and he should be allowed to board commercial airliners, according to a statement from Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge.
...
Mr. Ridge added that, "although the Senator and his party seek the overthrow of the current administration and preach a radical doctrine that would decimate the American economy, we have no hard evidence that he's linked directly to any foreign groups that would celebrate those outcomes."

It's got that great ranty edge, perfect for those times when you have to succumb to Stereotypical Rhetoric. Whee!

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
August 19, 2004
Took me a Damned Long Time to Get it, but...

Captain Howdy gets a stout but well-lubed no-prize for bringing this most interesting Brazillian ad for... umm... "personal lubricant". Ok, go look, then read the comments. Get it?

Ok, hint time... do you think they moved that pylon before she sat down?

Posted by scott at 07:11 PM eMail this entry!
Caution!

The Hall of Technical Documentation Weirdness. Proof positive that even technical illustrators can have a sense of humor. At least, I hope some of these guys were kidding.

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
And the Candidate goes "Flip Flop" II (or, Yet More Stereotypical Rhetoric)

Steve Gigl linked up one of the more startling (and quick) flips of the opposition candidate:

“I will have significant, enormous reductions in the level of troops …In the Korean peninsula perhaps, in Europe perhaps.”—John Kerry, August 1, 2004.

“Why are we withdrawing unilaterally 12,000 troops from the Korean peninsula at the very time that we are negotiating with North Korea, a country that really has nuclear weapons. This is clearly the wrong signal to send at the wrong time.”—John Kerry, August 18, 2004.

If this is out of context or a misquote, I'm expecting the peanut gallery to go dig up some proof. Otherwise I'm going to start saying it's a stereotype because he has a pair of flip-flops.

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
Insert Beer Ad Joke Here

Jeff gets a beery no-prize for bringing us news that even bears have good taste:

A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.
...
He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge.

Damned clever, these American bears...

Posted by scott at 09:07 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2004
Steel Girls

This site is so funny I peed myself.

Don't forget to check out the *scientific experiments* such as Colon Blow and The Carrot Project.

~ENJOY!

Posted by Ellen at 09:28 PM eMail this entry!
A Problem We All Should Have?

Has there ever been an activity performed between consenting adults that some busybody hasn't tried to make illegal:

Councillors from the mountainous Welsh county of Gwynedd said many limousine hire companies were providing the erotic dancers as entertainment for clients, but in-car striptease was an "inappropriate" activity.

Just how big is Gwynedd anyway? How much of a problem can it be?

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
I'll Call it "The Homer Simpson Strategy"

Unprofessional? Probably. Effective? Probably not. Clever and deeply satisfying? Definitely:

Israel declared psychological war on hunger-striking Palestinian prisoners today, saying it would barbecue meat outside their cells to try to break their spirit.

Via Misha

Posted by scott at 01:00 PM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2004
"Easy" Being a Relative Term

Excerpted from the manual of my latest toy, a new firewall appliance:

An easy way to visualize how security zones work is to imagine a large new building, with several rooms inside the building, and a group of new employees that do not know their way around the building. This building has one or more exits, which can be thought of as the WAN interfaces. The rooms within the building have one or more doors, which can be thought of as interfaces. These rooms can be thought of as zones inside each room are a number of people. The people are categorized and assigned to separate rooms within the building. People in each room going to another room or leaving the building, must talk to a doorperson on the way out of each room. This doorperson is the inter-zone/intra-zone security policy, and the doorperson’s job to consult a list and make sure that the person is allowed to go to the other room, or to leave the building. If the person is allowed (i.e. the security policy lets them), they can leave the room via the door (the interface).

I'm sure I'll get several "well duh, of course it's that easy. Any moron would see the analogy." But that's only because you're all a lot smarter than I am. Me? My eyes glazed over and I started visualizing going after all these people with a rocket launcher.

No, as a matter of fact I don't think staying up till midnight playing Doom has anything to do with this urge. Why do you?

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
Good Thing We're Going to the Grocery Store Today

Pumpkin seeds... a female viagra?:

The morning after Dr Gillian McKeith revealed on a TV nutrition program their apparently amazing potential for increasing libido, thousands of women apparently scoured supermarkets to put the rumpy pumpkin theory to the test and virtually cleared out stocks across the country.

Author gets a gold star for coming up with "rumpy pumpkin" in my opinion.

The purveyors of the conventional wisdom rolled their eyes when Viagra blossomed onto the scene. Of course men would want something like that. They're all pigs and serial rapists! Now all these women who were looking forward to quiet retirements with their now phallically de-fanged husbands would have to wait until the old farts were dead before getting any peace.

I wonder how they'll cope when the first for-real female viagra pill hits the market and detonates across the sexual landscape, blasting mirror image little-pink-pills hither and yon? The spam opportunities alone stagger the mind.

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2004
10 Reasons to Vote for Bush

Remeber to play nice with eachother :)

Read entire hilarity here.

Posted by Ellen at 05:08 PM eMail this entry!
Minute Rice

For D! We know you would appreciate this!

The extreme in minute rice.

NSFW due to pop up ads.

Posted by Ellen at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2004
Criminally Stupid

Excerpted in-toto from this "crime blotter":

Michael Guilbault, 19, pleaded guilty in 1997 to robbing a Raleigh, N.C., convenience store. According to the prosecutor, a delayed getaway helped police make the capture. Guilbault and his accomplice were to flee the store and meet their friends Heather Beckwith, 18, and Curtis Johnson, 19, at the nearby getaway car, but when the robbers arrived, they found the doors locked and the couple inside "in the act," as the prosecutor put it. Guilbault and his colleague were forced to wait until the couple had finished before they could get in the car, but by that time witnesses had noticed the two men yelling and making a commotion and had summoned police.

Huh-uh. Not trying to get away. Far as I'm concerned, that's one broken window and two beat-downs to go please. Must be a record for the number and angles of stupidity.

Posted by scott at 07:05 PM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2004
Busted!

The signs pointed to terrorism - that's exactly the impression the two men, an NBC News producer and cameraman, were trying to create.

Such begins the saga (detailed here and here) of two "suspicious" guys who ended up being reporters trying to show how insecure our airports really are. Instead, they ended up with their butts in jail, showing just how secure they really are.

Now, in and of itself I have no problem with the media trying to pull something like this off. Keeps everyone on their toes. What I do have a problem with is that instead of running a big prominent "stay tuned to see how brave men and women are succeeding in making your airports safer" story, they're just going to act like nothing happened and bury the whole thing. Because, you see, proving that it all works doesn't sow terror, discord, and discontent. Things that improve aren't sexy, and don't sell advertising.

Now, tell me again why Fox News is the dangerous network?

Posted by scott at 03:59 PM eMail this entry!
What is This Thing You Call, "Real Life"?

The Red vs. Blue guys are at it again, this time with Real Life vs. the Internet. Yeah, it's probably been on their site for awhile, but it's the first time I've seen it. The political discussions look eerily familiar...

Posted by scott at 12:26 PM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2004
Nobody Said Unintended Consequences were Always Bad

Especially when there are boobies involved:

Boaters -- nude ones and those wearing bathing suits -- have attracted the attention of drivers in recent weeks, at times halting traffic at the causeway between Iredell and Mecklenburg [North Carolina] counties and sparking complaints.

Two items seem to have caused the "sudden" appearance of "nekkid people":

[Marine commission Chairman Randy Reece] suggested the problem was created inadvertently when the N.C. Department of Transportation took down the causeway fence and started trimming the weeds and underbrush that once obscured views of the lake.
...
The [Marine] commission approved a new rafting safety ordinance last month after lakefront homeowners complained about the massive floating party in Cocktail Cove. Residents reported nudity, drunkenness and obnoxious behavior.

The new rules limit the number of boats that can raft together at certain distances from shore. They apply lakewide.

Which is why they're hanging out at the bridge now. Heh... see, sometimes even bad government can be good. Well, until some young thing gets you in an accident I guess.

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2004
What You Call a Severe "Oops" Moment

When fact checks attack:

A Rochester, N.Y. man caught up in a case of mistaken identity is threatening to sue CBS for falsely labeling him as terrorist suspect.

The man, Asif Iqbal, whose problems have been going on since 2002 when U.S. forces in Afghanistan arrested another man with the same name, is now facing even greater problems after CBS showed a picture of him in an August 4 Evening News broadcast. It also placed the picture on its Web site until Iqbal's lawyer told CBS to remove it.

But it gets better (or worse, if you work for CBS News):

Iqbal, who has lived in the U.S for ten years and hopes to become a citizen in the coming months, may actually have grounds for a slander suit since the photograph of him that CBS used came from an Associated Press article published earlier this year describing some of Iqbal's troubles.
...
In American media law, a private individual filing as a plaintiff need only prove that the defendant was negligent in verifying the veracity of information it presented as fact.

Just because lawyers are sharks doesn't mean there aren't people who sometimes need eating.

~ The guy sure looks like plant food to me ~

Via Ipse Dixit through RedSugar Muse.

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
Stamps, for the Rest of Us

Cobb linked up stamps we really want to see. Much better than lame-o dead people or flowers. Although I'm pretty sure mom wouldn't understand what the big deal was with the Simpsons.

Update: as noted in the comments, you can actually make your own. Dur.

ostamp.jpg

Posted by scott at 12:10 PM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2004
Amber's Car Rescue Service

Joshua, like, oh-my-god, totally gets a no-prize for bringing us blondestar, an on-star derivative meant for the... comprehensively challenged ...among us. I wonder if they also offer it for little old ladies?

Posted by scott at 06:37 PM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2004
Tatoos of the Nerds

While I think some of these "quirky" tatoos are not too bad, some of them are definitely just this side of nerdsville. You know a trend is officially over when the gamers get hold of it.

Posted by scott at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
America's Funniest Air-Drop Videos

Jeff gets a no-prize with a parachute attached for bringing us this hilarious compilation of mishaps and mahem that have happened to the boys who bring the groceries to the guys on the ground. Video link, so dial-up users need to be patient. But it's definitely worth it.

Posted by scott at 10:00 AM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2004
And the Fish Goes: Flip Flop, Flip Flop

Well, at least Kerry's consistent about his inconsistencies. While not the strongest example of his muddled wishy-washy-ness, it does seem to be the most recent.

Not that it matters. If saying, doing, and believing mutually conflicting things from time to time was an impediment to office, we'd all be saying, "Bill who?"

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
One Candidate that will not be Boring

Cicciolina, Italy's porn-star-turned-parlaimentarian, is at it again, this time she wants to become Milan's mayor. Personally, I think it's a great idea. Jenna Jameson is more articulate than Bush, more interesting than Kerry, prettier than Edwards (but not by much), and more animated than Nader. What's not to love?

Jenna 2004!

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2004
Limo v. Limo

Just because you're rich doesn't mean you're smart, or lucky:

Police said the man, Wayne Gethers, 38, of Roxbury, told them he had parked at 20 Ripley Road, and was ''enjoying the company of an unidentified female" in the back seat when his wife drove up in another limo the couple owns together. Wayne Gethers's four children were riding in the limo with his wife, police said.

That's when Yvesnane Gethers, 27, of Norwich, Conn., became enraged and slammed her limo into her husband's limo several times before Wayne Gethers tried to escape.

Bah. He got off lucky. I've already been told, on numerous occasions, that the best I could hope for in a similar situation was a pair of cement overshoes and a nice swim in the Potomac. Ominously, I was told the other party would "have it much worse than you."

My grandmother is famous for saying "there's a place for fear in every marriage." I think I'm living proof.

Well, for now anyway.

Posted by scott at 12:33 PM eMail this entry!
When Comparisons Attack

LaShawn Barber brings us news that Jesse Jackson has determined that Jesus was, in fact, a liberal. As I noted in her comments, claiming any sort of parallel between the political aspirations of a 21st century industrialized nation's party with those of a Jewish peasant in 1st century Palestine is rather like greeting a Martian as it walks off the spaceship and asking what brand of cigarette it smokes.

Jesus lived in a time, place, and situation so far removed from our own as to be nearly Martian himself. He lived in a time when 95% of the population was within one bad harvest of starvation; a time when women were property and one fifth of all children died before their first birthday; a time when effective law enforcement was reckoned by the number of people nailed to posts on the road into Jerusalem. The accounts of his death in the gospels are an after-the-fact elaborate reconstruction. If records of all the other executions Pilate ordered are taken into account, Jesus's own end was almost certainly decided with breathtaking speed and a ghastly lack of drama. And he was just one of thousands.

That his message still speaks and moves people so powerfully in such an utterly different cultural milieu really does give you a sense of the uniqueness of this person, and the import of his ministry. That a modern political figure would try to twist such a profoundly different belief system in line with his own would be beneath contempt if it weren't so depressingly familiar. Constantine himself did far worse violence to Christian doctrine for much the same reasons, and that was nearly two thousand years ago.

Posted by scott at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2004
Pressmonkey Headline of the Day

"Homeland security defeats an alleged terrorist plot."

Heard on a local news station this afternoon. Yeah, I know, seems reasonable enough at first blush, but think about it... alleged?

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all this week. Try the veal!

Posted by scott at 08:15 PM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2004
To Woof, or not to Woof...

Like she said:

best ad ever!

Posted by scott at 09:25 PM eMail this entry!
A Ricer, for the Rest of Us

When cardboard, spray paint, and spare time combine: Gimp my Ride. At least it doesn't add 200 lbs to the car. I especially like the "fog lights". The chick modeling with the car is also a nice touch.

Posted by scott at 03:53 PM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2004
When Tree Frogs Attack

Jeff gets a small green no-prize for bringing us this story of just how determined a determined frog can be:

As we're pulling out of the driveway, the Mrs. noticed a tree frog sitting between the cowls on the hood ... Hit 70 and the wind was makin him dance, but he was still cling'n on by his sticky little feet!! ... Right when I'm about to pass [a truck], our little friend jumped out from behind the hood and landed right in the middle of the windshield ... Everyone in the car were just eyeballin this little thing, then all of a sudden, he started hoppin!! Thing is, he wasn't going anywhere cause with each hop the wind just kept blowing him back onto the windshield. So I slowed down to about 50, hoping that he'd be able to hop off on his own....

He hopped and hopped and managed to get over to the left side of the windshield....

Then he jumped onto my left side mirror

He was staring right at me and before I could get the window up, he jumped onto the left lens of my sunglasses!

The site is pretty slow, but the story is well worth it.

Owning a convertible, I don't worry about frogs, I worry about wasps.

Posted by scott at 02:33 PM eMail this entry!
Hello Wha?

Aaron linked up this comprehensive summary of the "Hello, Kitty" phenomenon, which included this "too much information" bon-mot:

Then there are porn stars like [...] Bianca Lee [...] in one photo on her Web site, Lee deploys the Hello Kitty vibrator, a cheerful, pink-plastic instrument equipped with a figurine of the famous feline (clutching a little teddy bear) at one end. Sanrio, which cautiously guards Hello Kitty's wholesome image as far as all of its licensed products are concerned, prefers to call the gadget a "personal massager."

Somehow I don't think either gramma would buy the "really! It's just a personal massager she found!" con. I need to make sure that drawer gets a lock on it soon.

Posted by scott at 01:24 PM eMail this entry!
Vodka Varieties Vicious... rmm... Vredictions?

The Vodka drinkers in the audience (we know of at least two) may find this study interesting:

Dr. Allen Hirsch says drinkers who favor vanilla vodka are impetuous grudge holders who love to bask in the limelight.

Meanwhile, those who order raspberry-flavored vodka are charming perfectionists who like challenges but freeze up in front of large groups.

The study was sponsored by Stolichnaya, of course.

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2004
Armageddon!

A silly classic with a new twist: the great "felching" broadcast, realized with sock puppets. No hamsters appear to have been harmed in the creation of the film.

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
Roll Your Own

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I just know GW is behind everything bad happening today, from world stability to my loose tooth filling. But gosh darn it, I just can't find the words to express my discounted, disaffected, and discombobulated thoughts. What can I do?"

Fear not, friendly liberal moonbat! AMCGLTD is here to help! We've found The Conspiracy Generator, your one-stop-shop for blaming not just the Evil Bushitlertm, but his dastardly henchmen. Includes the ability to aim your foil hat at:

  • Ann Coulter
  • White men
  • Oil Companies
  • Jooooos!!!

And many, many more! Supplies are limited, so act now! Remember, Democrats need your help to add "People's Republic of" to the United States!

Posted by scott at 10:11 AM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2004
GGW to pay $1.1M

The wonderful folks that produce those family-oriented 'Girls Gone Wild' videos have been doing some other highly ethical things. Specifically, if you ordered one of their products, they were apparently loading you into their 'continuity program', which means you kept receiving new product - and being charged for it. For this, they've been ordered to pay $1.1M in fines and reimbursements.

However, they apparently didn't get nailed for having a 17yo girl in one of their videos...

Posted by ron at 10:17 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2004
And Amber yells at me for speeding

One of those zany German drivers was actually driving at the speed limit. This apparently angered a German truck driver who proceeded to beat the slower driver down.

Police in the western town of Bochum said the truck driver told them he felt provoked by the motorist "because he was actually driving 30 kph in a 30 kph area."

This'll be a great excuse for me to speed in the future. Never mind the fact that this was in Germany and we don't have an Autobahn...

Posted by ron at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2004
Get out and play

Apparently, Nickelodeon is telling kids to get out a play. And to encourage this, they're going to go off the air on October 2nd, at noon EST.

So - let me get this straight. A TV channel wants us to stop watching TV. But only for three hours on one day. Hmmmm.....

Posted by ron at 08:11 PM eMail this entry!
July 25, 2004
Columbus, OH comes through again

Yahoo news is carry a story about John Kerry being heckled during one of his stops in my old hometown of Columbus, OH

Four days before he makes a crucial speech at the national Democratic convention in Boston, the Kerry bandwagon rolled into a suburb of Columbus, Ohio, for a "front porch" rally at the home of Jessie and Janet Aitkins.

The carefully choreographed event was gatecrashed by a vocal group of local Republican residents brandishing placards in support of President George W. Bush (news - web sites) and chanting "flip-flop" Kerry -- echoing Republican criticisms of Kerry's Senate voting record.

Apparently, he spoke at a church there as well and an older gentleman was asked to leave for calling Kerry a big phony.

*Sniff sniff* My old hometown is doing me proud!

Posted by ron at 07:31 PM eMail this entry!
And I thought I had bad grammar...

Engrish brings us another fun image for some slippers that ultra-right wingers might like:

greenpeace.jpg

Posted by ron at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2004
Moving the PT Cruiser

Well, apparently yesterday at about 5:30am, the phone rings here at Ron and Amber Central (otherwise known as the Kitty Condo or the Love Shack). Note that this didn't affect me as I'm away on business, but Amber does answer the phone - fearing for the worst. Well, apparently, it's Ellen. The conversation went something like this:

Amber "huh?"

Ellen "Amber, are you awake?"

A "It's 5:30am, what's wrong? whose dead?"

E "No one's dead. I need a favor. I called because I called the !$%#$%^@ cab company and they can't get a cab here in time for us to make the plane."

A "okay..."

E "So, can you and Ron come a pick up the Cruiser from the airport?"

A "okay..."

E "It's parked in garage 2, 1A. right by the entrance. You can't miss it."

Now - I'm going to end the conversation there, because it was just over additional details about the cats and all. However, I want to jump to the next part of the story. This occurs roughly 15 hours later. Mark the fateful last words of Ellen...

Me "Here's the entrance." Note that I had a fun idea to just drop Amber off and have her run into the Cruiser so we could save everyone the cost of getting out of the garage, but I couldn't see it, so I decided to just drive in. Turns out this was a wonderful idea.

Amber "I don't see it. It's in 1A and we're in 1J.

M "I thought it was right by the entrance"

A "So did I. Are there other entrances?"

M "I don't see any. Let's just drive to 1A and see what we find."

So, we drove around, looking at the handing numbers on the pillars holding up the floors above us. What, to our surprise, do we discover? THERE IS NO FRIGGIN' 1A IN THIS #@$%^@# GARAGE!!!! Well, this is disturbing. We put our heads together and figure out another plan. We'll just drive the whole garage looking for the Cruiser. After all, how hard can this be? It's a maroon Cruiser with a cat skeleton wrapping the whole way around it. So, off we go...

M "I'm not seeing it on the first level. Do you suppose she's in the other garage?"

A "No, she said Garage 2, 1A"

M "Well, we haven't found 1A or another entrance..."

A "I know, but we can't leave until we find it"

M "Hey - what's that over there. It looks like another part of this garage."

A "Yeah - but how do we get to it?"

M "Dunno, let's drive up and see if we can get to it."

Well, it turns out that once you go to the third level of the garage, you can drive over to this other section. Then, if you drive the wrong way down a ramp, guess what? Hidden, right next to the 1A pole (but not really near the entrance) is a maroon Cruiser with a cat skeleton on it.

So, what do we learn from this little escapade?

1 - Don't get directions from Ellen at 5:30am.

2 - If you do get directions from Ellen that early, assume that going in the main entrance to anything isn't what she meant by entrance.

3 - Dulles has the worst parking garage plan ever devised

Posted by ron at 05:50 PM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2004
When Costumes Attack

Just when you thought nerds couldn't get any weirder, you stumble across what appears to be a video game convention with costumed gaming geeks.

Ok, look, I've gone to several science fiction cons. I've even helped put together more than my fair share of costumes for the masquerade. So I don't have much of a beef with this stuff. However I can say that (to me at least), photos like these will be the geek equivalent of "hair-metal era" pictures hidden in the closets of thousands of more conventional parents...

"Mom... please tell me the person wearing the leg warmers and the white belt is not you!"

"Ha... you should see the ones of your dad in his Dragonball costume."

"Noooo!!!"

And let me tell you, nothing screams "chick magnet" more than a guy dressed up as Mega-Man. Heh...

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
Last time I used my Magical Sword

in a hardware store, I was arrested... Oh, wait, this is a different type of 'magic' sword.

TLC has a little story about some poor druid who didn't want to be parted with his Magic Sword. Not that I have anything against druids, but I seem to remember from my D&D and Evercrack days that Druids didn't use swords...

Posted by ron at 07:18 AM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2004
Oh, Those Clever Japanese

Not content with square watermelons, the Japanese have now come up with triangular ones (bottom of the page). God knows how much they cost. I don't know if I should eat it, or put it on the mantle.

Ellen would eat it, and fast.

Posted by scott at 06:26 PM eMail this entry!
This is Bound to be Worth a Gold Star or Something

Car: 0, Phone Wires: 1. Yes, phone wires.

We've had two "amazing" wrecks in my neighborhood lately. While I didn't witness either, I could piece together at least some of what happend in both. The first was at a garden-variety four-way residential intersection with traffic lights. Someone driving a Ford Escort wagon managed to go through the west-bound lanes fast enough to cross the intersection, roll over, and totally cream the light control box on the opposite side. The box was nearly as big as the car, and it was completely ripped off its concrete foundation.

The second was at a different, but no less garden-variety, light-controlled residential intersection. There, at least one police car left the north-bound lane fast enough to bound over the curbs, down an embankment, through a set of six-inch-thick trees and a picket fence, finally embedding itself in the deck of the house on the corner. It then, in what must have been a Warner-Bros. Wiley Coyote-worthy moment, apparently caught fire.

And to think I bike through those intersections...

Posted by scott at 03:03 PM eMail this entry!
July 20, 2004
Not That There's Anything Wrong with That

Presenting Dyke Dolls, "the world's first series of Lesbian action figures". The first series, the "Bobbie" doll, is on sale now!

Feh, why not. But at $65, it's definitely not something I'd let Olivia coat with cheese ball dust.

Posted by scott at 07:12 PM eMail this entry!
Mark Your Calendars (again)

World to End, September 29:

That's the chilling news from E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson, who claims various conglomerations of alien races are conspiring to destroy planet Earth on that day -- with the help of a few volcanoes and earthquakes.

Well, at least we won't have to sit through the damned election.

Every time I see one of these things, I'm reminded of a sign on my high school band director's door:

Due to a lack of qualified trumpeters,
The end of the world has been postponed six months.
We apologize for any inconvenience

Yeah, I know, band people are weird.

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
Insert "Holy Grail" Joke Here

There's blind, and then there's blind:

A Russian taxi driver got a rude shock when he discovered his blind ex-wife, who thought he had died in an explosion, had him buried in a Moscow cemetery, a newspaper reported on Thursday.

Of course, the question now is who's actually under that headstone?

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2004
What a Great Exuse!

Oh be still, can't you see I'm reading?

The Vancouver-based company just released a new line of provocative T-shirts. With naughty mess ages written across the chest, the shirts encourage people to run their hands over them to find out what’s on your mind.

Around about that time would be when Ellen would say, "yeah, no, sorry, don't think so", and then smack me.

Posted by scott at 11:02 AM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2004
Seriously Silly

Yeah, I know, it's filled with the same-old same-old moonbat propaganda, but this "campaign" ad had a punch line that still made me laugh.

I'm seeing the glimmerings of a sense of humor on the left. Sort of like looking down and seeing a bug playing a guitar. Oh well, time to roll up a newspaper...

No-prize to Damion for giving us an excuse to run a really virulent pro-Bush ad, as soon as we find it. :)

Posted by scott at 12:59 PM eMail this entry!
Oh NO!

The Borg has assimilated my favorite cars:

Microsoft Corp. and Fiat SpA have formed a partnership to develop a standardized system for designing wireless communications into vehicles made by the Italian automaker ... The goal of the alliance, announced Thursday, is to create a flexible, easy-to-use telematics system for Fiat and its Lancia and Alfa Romeo brands...

(emphasis added)

Say it ain't so, Joe, say it ain't so!

Posted by scott at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2004
See Jane, See Tom, See Jane Boink Tom, Boink Jane Boink!

As with all stupid, goofy things that the press locks on to, Norway's media seems to have come to the conclusion that since they've noticed it, it is automatically a trend:

More Norwegians seem to be engaging in sex outdoors, after a couple made headlines for coupling on the stage of a live music festival last week.

The thing is, 90% of the people out there who want to be seen naked, should not be seen naked. Therefore, this is probably nowhere near as interesting a development as it would first seem. Don't think Brad Pit and Jenna Jamison, think Ed Asner and Rosie O'Donnel.

*shudder*

Posted by scott at 09:04 PM eMail this entry!
~ OHHHH... What do You Do with a Drunken Swee-eede Earl-eye in the Morning~

Ron gets a wobbly no-prize for bringing us news that Sweden really needs to get its own COPS show:

Police, ambulance and fire crews rescued a drunken Swede found trapped early Monday without any clothes after he tried to crawl under a gate in downtown Oslo ... the man, whose real name was not released, urged reporters to say he’d gotten stuck while trying to save a kitten. Failing that, he asked them to mention that the object of his affections was “a real stunner.”

Which they seem to have done, albeit probably not in the way he intended. My mom shaking her head and saying "men!" in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 08:42 AM eMail this entry!
July 14, 2004
The More Things Change...

Proof positive that, compared to the rest of the world, Americans have far more in common with each other than we realize, we have Why Lawd, Why?:

Dude: "Where are you from?"

Lashunda (Me): "I'm from the US."

Dude: "Well....GO TO HELL YOU AMERICAN!"

Yes he did y'all.

Lashunda (Me): "WHAT!?!"

Dude: "You just go to hell you damned American. You Americans have no heart anyway. You go to hell."

Despite the trains, the screams of schoolkids, and even the tiny little birds...you could have heard a pin drop.

All you'd have to do is put a New York accent on Lashunda and it'd be tough to convince me this wasn't my wife. Switch it to a Maryland accent and my brother would start looking around for his wife. Add the Carolinas, and Joshua's ears perk up. Change it... well, ok, you get the picture.

No wonder foreigners don't understand Americans. Anyone who'd try to tell any of these women how to behave deserves what they get, because they're obviously dumber than a lemming on pot.

Via Aaron

Posted by scott at 02:04 PM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2004
Best. Parody. Ever.

Ok, stop what you're doing and download this JibJab parody of "This Land". Lefties will love it because it slams Bush. Righties will love it because it smashes Kerry. I love it because it's really freaking funny!

Note: It's so good about three billion people are trying to download it right now. Be patient and keep trying (it's worth it, trust me), or pony up the $2.99 to get it from a different server.

~ This land will surely vote for me ~

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
Voodoo U

We've just found the perfect pre-election stocking-stuffer for all the Dems in your life: political voodoo dolls! Includes every lefty's fave, GW, as well as Saddam, Bill C, and even Tony Blair. Stick a pin in yours today!

Posted by scott at 01:41 PM eMail this entry!
It's got that Great Ranty Freshness

Frank leads us to RightWingDuck, a blogger who is taking great exception to being called a cockroach. The resulting Top 10 reasons Latinos can't vote Democrat are a scream. The dems better hope the "old white racists" they keep railing against never die, because if they do, the Republican party that will be left (a multi-racial conglomerate believing in personal responsibility, limited government, and free markets) will be un-freaking-stoppable.

Posted by scott at 09:09 AM eMail this entry!
July 12, 2004
When Advertisers Attack

Just in case you thought America was the land of crass, anything-goes-commercialism, you should be reminded that every person who lives here came from somewhere else:

Billboards have become an increasingly common sight on Rome's monuments since a 1997 law authorizing the sale of advertising on scaffolding to cover the costs of restoration work to the city's vast cultural heritage.

Which sounds all well and good, but the law of unintended consequences tends to find the ass of beuracrats most tasty of all:

Some buildings are putting up scaffolding just to make money from advertising,

However, restorations are expensive and don't pay for themselves. Tacky? It's advertising... I'm not sure you can be tasteful with the stuff. But if putting up with a few years of gaudiness is what it takes to ensure chunks of history aren't falling on the heads of tourists, well, that's a pretty easy decision as far as I'm concerned.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
Think Smart, Spend Foolish

Finally, a liberal who makes sense to me:

John Kerry's revolutionary 3-level ThinkSmart Plan to improve public education has been endorsed by the NEA, a grassroots organization founded on those very principles. Rather than focusing on test scores as a key indicator of student progress, the NEA supports"unprecedented public awareness, legislative lobbying, and a member empowerment campaign -- working for the things children need to be successful."

Me feel smarter already.

Because if the NEA wants it, it's got to be good.

Right?

Posted by scott at 09:33 AM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2004
A Car, for the Rest of Us
Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
July 10, 2004
Melon Mate

Fed-up with produce available for women? MelonMate was designed to turn your choice of melon into the love of your life. Whether watermelon, cantaloupe, or honeydew -- Melon Mate will provide hours of wet juicy fun, as well as provide breakfast the next morning. Now you can have your cake and eat it too!

Melon mate is the perfect novelty gift for the single, divorced, or love deprived men around the world. Buy one today!

Buy one today!

Posted by Ellen at 11:56 AM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2004
But Will They Bring Out Their Dead?

Ron gets a rustic no-prize for bringing us rent-a-peasant, a duo specializing in "historic recreation" for monuments and special events. I wonder if they'd let us repress them for a few hours? We'd pay extra!

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
A Guide, for the Rest of Us

The name sort of says it all: The Stupid Person's Guide to Life, wherein we find such valuable advice as:

  • Don't eat rocks.
  • The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
  • Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.

Sad thing is, you know there are people out there who need this sort of advice.

Posted by scott at 12:00 PM eMail this entry!
Basic is as Basic Does

Let's all pause for a moment to consider this well-cared for Yugo for sale on e-bay. Before Hundai or Kia or Daewoo, there was Yugo, the ultimate in low-cost motoring. Listing for $3990 when introduced in 1986, they actually sold reasonably well until it was realized that even "enlightened" socialism was incapable of producing a car that would hold itself together for more than six months.

Unlike our socialist brethren (and their equally enlightened liberal counterparts in places like California), there was no elite bureaucratic agency to force Americans to buy cheap crappy cars, so sales plummeted. Those who had to bought Japanese and Korean cars at twice the cost that lasted ten times as long, and the Yugo was allowed to rust, clank, and smoke into the sunset.

Except for this one, apparently. I guess it just proves that if you sit on anything long enough, it will gain in value.

Posted by scott at 09:22 AM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2004
YarmulWHA?!?

Oh, to have rabbi Blogstein again... I feel only he could tell us if Yarmulkbra was simply tacky or a one (two?) way ticket to hell itself. At the very least, it'd make temple a whole lot more interesting, no?

Oh good lord, I am so going to come back as a bug.

Ron gets a no-prize for bringing us just that much closer to being Satan's bed buddy.

Posted by scott at 08:18 PM eMail this entry!
July 07, 2004
Danzig Down

~ I know/It's only rock and roll but I like it~:

[North Side Kings frontman Danny Marianino said] I confronted Mr. Danzig backsatge while he was signing autographs ... In a fit of rage he turned around and slammed me into the wall yelling "fuck you motherfucker" trying to be a big toughguy in front of his fans. I -in self defence punched him in the face knocking him out as he was attacking me again.

The video of the incident seems to prove the guy's story. Also proves Mr. Marianino was a very large man, in the "big ol' biker dude" school of body shape. Picking fights with people that weigh ~ 100 lbs more than you is not generally a good way to win friends and influence people, donchaknow.

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
My Mom's Spiritual Sisiter?

We all know someone who's a victim, now we have a name: e-bay binge buyers:

"I set up a "watching" page, where you can keep a list of all the items you like and monitor the bidding.

"It got to the stage where the first thing I would do in the morning and the last thing at night was check the list for any changes.

Hey, make fun of it if you like, but (if you're careful) you can get some damned good bargains. 90% of Olivia's clothes are grandma-poached e-bay items.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2004
Hee!

Ok, I laughed out loud at this one:

bstick.jpg

Neither side's had an original idea in the past sixty years, but at least the right's old ideas work.

Update: In the interests of equal time (see! see! I'm not a reactionary! Nope! Not me! Now get these damned kids off my lawn!!!), one of the members of the Yellow-dog peanut gallery provided this product as a counter-point.

Posted by scott at 10:15 AM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2004
What's Good for the Goose...

Scott Ott hits another one with this new development in the "your money's actually mine" foot-in-mouth incident:

In the same week that Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, told a San Francisco audience that future President John Forbes Kerry will take money away from wealthy Americans "on behalf of the common good", the former First Lady's publisher announced it would not pay the $5.3 million deferred advance it owes for her book Living History.

Somehow I doubt if she'd even see the connection.

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
Beware the Power Pizza

Take two guys, an idea, and a pizza box and what do you get? The Power Pizza, the "perfect disguise" for a mac powerbook (shown) or any other laptop. Unfortunately around here you'd merely be exchanging one sort of teenage felon for another (stoners get the munchies too!)

Personally, the very best deterrence I've found is simply throwing a towel, shirt, or jacket over valuables. When done correctly anything underneath is invisible. Because if a thief decides they want something in your car, there's not a car alarm in the world that's going to stop them.

Posted by scott at 09:09 AM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2004
When Wives Attack

set picture = 1000 words;
return();

hpa_b.jpg

My caption: "What, you think I'm gonna tell her she put it in the wrong gear?"

Actual caption: Pat Campanella, left, and Affordable Towing and Recovery owner Devin Statts discuss how to get Campanella's SUV out of Katherine Peacock's pool in Hawai'i Kai. Campanella was giving his wife a driving lesson when she overcompensated and drove into the pool.

Ok Ellen, all those times I gave you grief while I was teaching you how to drive? I take them all back! There are most definitely worse things than doing a burnout in front of a cop.

Posted by scott at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng

You know anything can be "translated" to l33t when they manage it with the Lord of the Rings:

[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: "Give teh ringz0r to Frodo"
Bilbo: "Sif! It r precious!"
Gandalf: "STFU NOOB!!!"
Bilbo: "ok"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

**Later
Gandalf: "Show me teh ring, foo!"
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: "OMGZ, it R teh ring!"
Frodo: "***?"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire

L33t AIM users and Everquest zombies should get a good chuckle. Everyone else? PWNED!!!

Posted by scott at 12:35 PM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2004
Hee!

Set picture = 1000 words;
return()

Posted by scott at 03:30 PM eMail this entry!
Rember Kids, Smokey Says

"make sure not to leave food cooking before stepping out.":

Firefighters in a Dallas suburb returned to their station to find a fire started by potatoes they left cooking on a stove, officials said Friday.

~ Isn't it ironic/doncha think? ~

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2004
Political? Reactionary? Juvenile? Us?!?

Frank over at IMAO hits a triple with this nifty "in my world" bit:

They soon came to the main room where a number of celebrities were partying and saying how much they hated Bush. At the end of the room was a large platform on which the corpulent Michael Moore rested his bulk. Seated on the platform near his feet was a deranged looking Al Franken laughing hysterically. Moore reached into a bowl near him and pulled out a creature that looked like a frog and swallowed it whole, slime trailing down his mouth.

Mandrake will be so disappointed in us...

Posted by scott at 08:11 PM eMail this entry!
Is Is Is...

Yeah, it's a little like that. Actually, it's a lot like that.

Posted by scott at 12:18 PM eMail this entry!
How-To

Translation: 32 ways to open a beer. Especially liked granny opening one with her teeth. You go girl!

Posted by scott at 10:58 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2004
FYI

In doing some research for an upcoming encounter (working title: "How to Turn your Tabletop Grill into an F-16 Exhaust Pipe"), I stumbled onto this extremely helpful tip from our government:

CPSC Warns -- Never Use Charcoal Grills Indoors

I'm not sure what's worse... the warning itself, or that it was issued for a reason.

Here's your sign...

Posted by scott at 03:40 PM eMail this entry!
Takin' a Wiz in Style

Fark linked up this account of a Yankee in Emperor Tokugawa's court:

One thing most foreigners are surprised to see when they come to Japan is men urinating in public. Taxi drivers, salarymen and just plain drunks can be seen standing against a wall, a hedge or over a grid in public streets any time of day or night, peeing. I call it the Grand Pee.

Includes a review of a gizmo we featured awhile back, the "My Sweet Pee", a simple device that allows women to urinate standing up. Apparently in Japan it's considered an innovative demonstration of equal rights!

Posted by scott at 11:58 AM eMail this entry!
One Thing or the Other

Well, which is it, Dog Toy, or "Marital Aid"?

I did OK with the first round, but the second round's a b*tch!

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2004
I's more Stronger Dan Darf Fader!

And winning the award for most bizzare music video, we have Beint af toppnum í Albaníu (I think... can't quite find a title). In spite of the title, it's in English, sort of. Long live space race!

Posted by scott at 02:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 24, 2004
Brings a Whole New Meaning to "Party Boat"

Just to prove the US isn't the only country with busybody morals police, we have this breathless article about a "funtastic" cruise off the coast of Cyprus:

An urgent inquiry was launched in Cyprus last night after an undercover police operation exposed a group of up to 100 tourists, including Britons, taking part in what was described a mass orgy aboard a cruise ship off the island.

There were no minors, no children, international waters, everyone knew what it was going in, and it was miles off shore so nobody else could "accidentally" see it. Is it for me? No, not really. Is it for you? Well, the operative word there is why should I care? And why should these police? Let's hope Interpol turns them down flat and the operators of the ship either lie low for awhile or move to a different port. Damned shame moralists could come in and ruin everyone's (adult) good time. To think all this time I thought that only happened in America.

In the comments on FARK I did find the world's most appropriate image for this post:

threadpic.gif

For sure!

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2004
Richie's Next T-Shirt?
Posted by scott at 10:03 AM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2004
Without Who?

What do you get when you cross Eminem with Saddam Hussein?

Ok, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know either, but this song parody is funny anyway!

Via Daffodil Lane

Posted by scott at 09:48 AM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2004
More News We Can Use

Finally, an education initiative everyone can support:

Standing in front of the Los Angeles Times building on Spring Street and surrounded by aides, President Bush put forth a new and long-overdue proposal today, to the cheers of thousands of long-suffering readers of that paper, to start to repair the tragic situation with the American journalism system. He called it "No Reporter Left Behind."

Laugh-out-loud satire from a pleasantly unexpected source.

Via Site-Essential

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2004
Everything Old is New Again

Monroe County NY Democrats are dusting off one of the oldest political tricks on the books:

Monroe County Democrats have teamed up with High Falls Brewery to offer two free 2-ounce beers to those who register to vote at the festival.

Lots of tut-tutting from the usual suspects, who want to make fun illegal. Personally I have no trouble with it. After all, during the actual election liquor stores are closed to prevent larger units of alcohol from garnering more concrete results.

And two ounces isn't always two ounces. Ellen and I once went to a beer festival in downtown DC. The way the system worked, you got a stack of 10 "pogues" (wooden poker chips basically) with your admission. Each pogue was good for 2 ounces of beer.

Which is what I got when I went up to any of the dozens of beer booths, which were typically manned by big grinning guys who looked like they spent their days lifting kegs onto trucks. What Ellen got in her daisy-dukes, tight half-shirt, and sandals was, well, whatever she wanted. Ellen quickly became the "beer girl", and eventually we ended up sitting in a corner trying to sober up so we could drive home.

To this day she thinks they just weren't paying attention when they filled her glass.

Posted by scott at 02:55 PM eMail this entry!
Blow-up Plastic Church

Reverend Heathen, we have found your church. I was hoping you'd have to take your shoes off and jump around inside, but alas it does not seem to come with an inflatable floor. Damned kids get to have all the fun.

I coulda sworn we'd featured this before, but I searched and couldn't find it.

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2004
I Shall Weep My Wee-Wen-Gay!

You know, living as I do with someone who lacks only the mask and a wheezy breath to be mistaken for a shorter, meaner, version of Darth Vader, I can only say I really don't find this too surprising:

Among children aged 8 through 14 injured in fights, girls are more likely than boys to get into a brawl in retaliation for previous grievances, new research reports.

Like my friend Damion says, "Chicks are the devil!"

Via Daffodil Lane

Posted by scott at 07:53 PM eMail this entry!
They're BAAAAaack

Yeah, I know we featured 'em before, but I just can't get over square watermelons.

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2004
When Candidates Attack

Please welcome Jim Giles, running for Mississippi's 3rd congressional district:

I’m running for Mississippi’s third congressional district as an Independent ... I want to bring ALL our troops home from Iraq NOW ... This election year is different than most. This year you vote for the Iraqi War or against the Iraqi War ... Jim Giles opposes the Iraqi War and would bring all troops home NOW!

"Waitaminute..." I can hear the peanut gallery thinking, "Scott's a reactionary neocon bent on world domination. There's gotta be a catch."

Drat. You figured it out:

White Christian-Republican Whore Chip Pickering the incumbent represents rich whites and negroes. Jim Giles will represent working and middle class whites ... You ain't smart if you believe what them jews tell you!

Ain't politics grand?

Posted by scott at 06:34 PM eMail this entry!
News We Can Use

Scrappleface hits another one out of the park:

Kerry to Expand Middle Class by Taxing Wealthy

(2004-06-15) -- Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator, today laid out his blueprint for increasing the size of the middle class by boosting taxes on the wealthy.

In a speech to union members in New Jersey, Mr. Kerry answered critics who claim he has offered no coherent vision for America, and he slammed President Bush for "squeezing the middle class."

"I believe in building up our great middle class--expanding it," said Mr. Kerry. "Now, to increase the size of the middle class you can do one of two things--either help poor people escape from poverty and dependency on government programs, or take some money away from rich people so that they become middle class. Now, which one of those sounds easier to you? It's a no brainer."

Mr. Kerry said that the Bush administration "doesn't want you to be middle class. They want you to be like their rich cronies from Halliburton. But they don't tell you the dirty little secret...if you become wealthy, most of your money will go to pay taxes. Where's the compassion in their conservatism?"

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2004
Vile Woman, Thou Hast Cut Me to the Quick

Just when I think I've lost all faith in humanity's common bonds, I stumble across something like this:

A Malaysian salesman complained to the main ethnic Chinese political party after his wife confiscated the TV remote control and satellite card for watching Sunday night's England-France Euro 2004 soccer match.

Substitute "soccer" with "basketball" and you'd have a convincing story for any Lakers fan (poor bastards). There's not a man in America who can't sympathise with this guy's plight. Looks like, when it comes to the important things in life, we're not that different after all.

Posted by scott at 12:21 PM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2004
Dumbest Email Message of the Day

It started out predictably enough:

Dear Scott,

My name is [Mr. UK Spammer], and I'm the owner of [some limey company]. I wanted to let you know that I've just placed a link to amcgltd.com.

But as I scrolled down what to my wondering eyes did appear:

[This is just an example. You'll get much better results if you write your own messages. Tips can be found in the [spamware] beginner's guide. Select the beginner's guide in the [spamware] help menu.]

Ok, tip to all the rest of you erstewhile spammers... please be sure to at least delete the "REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT" boilerplate before you push the SEND button. Or don't. This was good for a chuckle, after all.

Posted by scott at 04:26 PM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2004
Armed Forces Follies

Doing a bit of background I stumbled across this nice collection of military humor. Some I'd heard of, some I hadn't, but I haven't seen any of it all in one place like this before. Includes a Tasteless Joketm my mom just sent me:

A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.

He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Which is a variant on what is probably an Iraqi-developed joke. No-prize to the first person who finds it.

Posted by scott at 06:39 PM eMail this entry!
Two Great Tastes that Taste Great Together

Actually, I'm surprised it's taken me this long to find it, but I'm glad I did... Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring is one helluva funny combination of two of the greatest fantasy films of all time. Don't believe me?

Frodo: Hello! Where am I?!
Zoot: Welcome, gentle hafling. Welcome to the Barrow Anthrax.
Frodo: The Barrow Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
Frodo: You are an underground colony of elves?
Zoot: We're a what?
Frodo: Elves. One led me here.
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
Midget and Crapper: (appearing as if out of thin air) Yes, O Zoot?
Zoot: Prepare a pyre for our guest.
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
Zoot: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are cold and hard and very, very lonely, I'm afraid.
Frodo: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
Zoot: What is your name, handsome sir?
Frodo: 'Frodo Baggins... of the Shire.'
Zoot: Mine is 'Zoot.' Just 'Zoot.' No other names are necessary anymore... Oh, but come.
Frodo: Look, please! In all seriousness, where is the elf who led me here?
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
Frodo: No, look. I saw her! She is here in this--
Zoot: Mr. Frodo! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
Frodo: Well, I-- I, uh--
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our existence must seem very dull and dead compared to yours. We were but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and twentynine-and-a-half...

Highly recommended.

Via Spreegirl

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2004
Feds: 1, Obnoxious Cell Caller: 0

Fark linked up this story about "the lady, the cellphone, and the federal air marshall":

A plane passenger slapped a federal air marshal after refusing to sit down and ignoring instructions to end her cellular phone call, which she said would have been ``rude,'' prosecutors said Tuesday.

Yeah lady, you can ignore our dirty looks, and flip the flight crew the bird, but the buck will eventually stop somewhere. Glad to see it landed on her head. She's still in jail right now, by the way.

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2004
~ You Push the Right Screw in/You Pry the Left Screw Out ~

There's defragging a hard drive, and then there's defraggling it:

Step 4: Remove the disks

When the discs have finally come lööse, keep them in order and don't mixem up If you have Windows on your Data machine, You'll find the OS on the top disc, you'll recognize it easily, it's much heavier then the rest of the discs. If you use Linux, then you'll of course don't need to do this operation at all...

Well, I can say one thing, after performing this procedure you will definitely not have trouble with fragmentation on your hard drive.

Via Jimspot.

Posted by scott at 01:33 PM eMail this entry!
Homeless Luxury

Now you, too, can live like a homeless-bum king (queen) with this ghetto-fabulous shopping cart chair. Hmm... Nina's going to need dorm furniture soon...

Posted by scott at 09:30 AM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2004
Got cash? Yup! Got Brains? Wha?

Jeff gets a very fast no-prize in a tree for bringing us what happens when rich morons aren't careful with their toys:

It is a 38 foot Fountain [speedboat]. The owner had it for about a week and has not made the first payment on the 375,000 dollar pricetag. He was going 80 mph made a sharp turn, it threw him and his passenger out of the boat. He did not have his kill switch on, so it steadily accelerated until it hit the bank, went airborne and split on this tree.

Explain that to the insurance adjuster!

Note: Link is very slow, but the pictures are worth it.

Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
Broken Hearted Bargain

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Because scorned chicks do things like sell all your stuff and then tell everyone what a sleaze you are in the auction description:

I am looking to part with a great boat, with optional premium Annapolis slip space at the entrance to Back Creek, which has too many wonderful memories for me to keep.
...
It all started when his ex-girlfriend asked him to meet her for lunch so they could exchange a few items that they had had failed to return at the end of their relationship over two years prior...

Ebay brags that their auctions are so much better than classifieds because of all the extra information you get. Sometimes, though, you get too much. I personally would not have to worry about this happening, as I have it on good authority the best I could hope for would be a set of concrete shoes and a long walk off a short pier.

Note: Auction link. Get it while you can.

Posted by scott at 01:36 PM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2004
As Long as You Spell the Name Right

So most of our regular readers have decided to roll their eyes at the whole "vampire hunter" saga. However, one significant participant most definitely has not:

A prime example of where this socially inadequate group of attention-seekers [aka bloggers -ed] prosper is a “weblog” site run by Scott Johnson and his wife, Ellen Carozza. This couple operate AMCGLTD from Virginia in the USA. In Holy Week, April 2004, the four offenders with a history of harassment in the UK began posting their calumny.

Calumny! Deceit and Calumny! Found in what appears to be a sermon to what I can only imagine are a group of otherwise normal (and therefore, through no fault of their own, clueless) parishoners. But what makes me laugh out loud is his modification of our motto:

WHERE CATS, SCIENCE FICTION AND HATE CAMPAIGNS COME TOGETHER!

Bravo Mr. Manchester! Bravo! And, since we're all about equal time, let's finish with another quote:

And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a testimony against them.

I'm sure he'll remember the quote. I doubt if he'll understand the sentiment.

PS. Ha! Take that, Instapundit! Take that, ASV! Take that, IMAO! Take that, Amish Tech Support TBIFOC! You all may be bigger and better, but we have loony British vampire hunters!!! Beat that!

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
Not Subtle, but Effective

I dunno what a naked chick has to do with selling computer magazines, but then again, who cares?

NSFW, duh.

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2004
Eeny-meeny-miney-Moe, Catch the Terrorist By the Toe...

The Religious Policeman (a Saudi who is neither) gives us an excellent breakdown of how Saudi Arabia's finest performed during the recent hostage rescue operation:

Nevertheless, the following captured Al Qaeeda document may give some clues [as to how three terrorists, presumably soaked in the blood of their victims, completely surrounded by three rings of security troops in a medium-sized apartment building, vanish completely into the night (or day)]. It is part of their Training Manual.

"Chapter 17. Evading Capture.

Scenario: You are completely surrounded by Saudi Arabia's Finest. As you are exiting by a back staircase, you run into an entire platoon of these fierce menacing killers.

Response: One of the following phrases will normally suffice -

"They went that-a-way"

"What? Us, terrorists? I ask you, do we look Jewish?"
...
"Hey, Ali How you doing? Yea, we got rostered as Duty Terrorists today, what a bummer! See you down the Social Club tonite?"

"OK, fellas, you know the routine. One of us gets taken, the rest go. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo....."

Read the whole thing. I hope this guy doesn't get nabbed, he's too damned funny to go to jail!

Posted by scott at 03:25 PM eMail this entry!
Swear to God, I Saw One Looked Just Like it Today!

cicada.jpg

Clever little things, these devil bugs.

No-prize to Jennifer C. for bringing us our toothy little friend

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
When Producers Attack

Whether he was still stuck in character, or he's just a general jackass, "The Sopranos's James Gandolfini did not appreciate the show's producer's idea of a pratical joke:

In what's gotta be the dumbest freakin' move ever made by reality TV, those "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" queens suddenly invaded "The Sopranos" set and -- with cameras crankin' -- chirped cheerily at hairybear bossman James Gandolfini: "HI, there! Ready for your makeover?" That's when all HELL broke loose, say insiders.

Of course, since Mr. Gandolfini is simply a convincing actor instead of an actual mob boss, life did in fact go on. But, as always, it's no fun if there's not a little opera.

Posted by scott at 11:57 AM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2004
A Satire of Miscommunications

Lair takes a different tack on computer support with Miscommunication:

*knock knock knock*

"Come in," says the attendant, putting down his coffee.

A meek customer holds a license plate in his hands. He sits down in a chair and smiles.

"I just got this license plate," says the customer. "Now how do I drive to the store?"

"Well, where's your car?" says the attendant.

"I need a car to do that?" sayd the customer. "I've got a license plate... and I've got a driver's license..."

"You need a car, sir," says the attendant. "Why don;t you just follow me to the Sales Desk and-"

"BUT I WANT TO GO TO THE STORE!" shouts the customer.

I wonder if he'd open a car shop with me?

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
Diver Down

Ok folks, two words: pussy snorkel. No, Amber, the other kind.

Note: Site is graphically safe for work, but does have its title in big ol' bold letters. Your, um, mileage may vary.

Posted by scott at 10:17 AM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2004
When Morons Attack

Fark linked up a prime example of "Never Let the Facts Get in the Way of a Good Rant" with this tasty morsel on the Indy 500:

In an environment where gas prices are skyrocketing [...] is it really a good idea to show the world how profligate we can be with our gasoline?

Dedicated race fans will be the first to note Indy is run on Methanol. The rest of the article is even more soft-headed "I'm-not-an-enviroweenie-I-just-play-one-on-TV" drivel. I respect hardcore environmentalists because they can at least argue their way out of a paper sack (they're wrong anyway, but that's another story). This guy, well, this guy's just sad.

Almost as good were the fark comments themselves, where learned such interesting tidbits as:

  • The methanol used at Indy is actually 90% gasoline (reality: nope, pure methanol.)
  • Formula-1 cars use methanol too, which is why fuel fires in both series burn with a clear flame (reality: F-1 uses pump gas purchased from a French oil company. Makes a very nice classic fireball when improperly handled, as has been demonstrated several times in the past.)
  • Methanol is made from petroleum (reality: you can make it a bunch of different ways, none of which involve crude oil.)
  • Natural gas is a by-product of the refining process (reality: the fires at oil refineries are burning off a lot of unusable and weird byproducts of the refining process. None of which happen to be methane.)
  • The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is not actually an oval (reality: depends on your definition of oval I suppose, but looks damned oval-ish to me.)

All of the above were stated, of course, as utterly irrefutable truths. God, I love the internet!

Posted by scott at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2004
Hillbillies Take Note: Car != Boat

Fark linked up this story about wayward cars and a lake that happens to be nearby my old stomping grounds of Fayetteville, AR:

In less than a month, eight vehicles have plunged into Beaver Lake at the end of Arkansas 94 in Monte Ne. No one has been hurt -- yet.

(Beaver lake and Rogers AR are within 30 minute's drive of Fayetteville.)

The thing is, I just wonder how accidental these "accidental" lake encounters are. I distinctly remember a book I read years ago about a murder investigation. The cops eventually decided the victim was stuffed into a trunk and driven off a boat landing, but the investigation was stymied because when they drug the lake around the boat landing they found nearly a dozen (body-free) cars. You see, when you want to claim a car as stolen, it doesn't do to have efficient police or a plucky private detective dredge the thing up two weeks later. Turned out a lake made a darned nice place to "steal" the car to.

This sounds an awful lot like that. The fact nobody's gotten hurt makes me doubly suspicious.

Posted by scott at 10:19 AM eMail this entry!
May 28, 2004
They Forgot that Clear Peg in the Back

Jeff gets another no-prize for bringing us photographic proof of why some airport guys are about to lose their jobs:

A cargo plane being unloaded at Los Angeles International Airport tipped backward Thursday, stranding seven workers 40 feet in the air for about an hour.

WIth pic! Nearly every tricycle-gear plastic model you build is too tail-heavy (the originals have big heavy engines and flight gear to balance things), so they nearly all do this. I had no idea the real deal had this tendency too.

Posted by scott at 04:38 PM eMail this entry!
Busted

Lair notes that when demanding an apology, make sure the other guy doesn't have a camcorder handy:

Instead of apologizing [for accusing the UN of using its ambulances as Pali transports], the IDF and Channel 10 have proof of the use of UN ambulances by armed Palestinians, and they were driven around willingly by UN ambulance drivers.

And these are the people certain members of the peanut gallery are upset about us not getting approval from?

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
May 26, 2004
Gotcha!

Remember that Rumsfeld story that ripped across the blogosphere last week, the one about him banning cell phone cameras? "Doesn't-he-have-anything-better-to-do?", "don't-you-have-some-prisoners-you-need-to-stack?", "Sadr-is-waving-his-ass-at-us-get-busy-you" sorts of things were everywhere. Well, guess what:

it was not actually a mainstream news source which first reported [the camera ban story]. That ... was actually a satirical story from The Daily Farce.
...
Over the weekend, several news items appeared, which seem to quote Rumsfeld, but actually use the phrase from The Daily Farce word for word.

The story goes on to report that, far from being banned, digital cameras are everywhere in the US military. Even stranger, there would appear to be no formal mechanism in place for reviewing or even setting standards about cameras and photography.

Which kinda puts a significant dent into all the dark conspiracies and accusations of outright atrocity the radical peace fringe bleats about. It's easy to censor reporters whose idea of a sneaky expose is re-arranging Sadr's press releases and quoting satirical sites as gospel. But if there's a camera in every foot locker, a lens with every private, how can we not eventually know about injustice and atrocity?

Unless, of course, it's just not happening, at least not on the scale so many claim it to be.

Posted by scott at 09:34 AM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2004
Rissotto Wannabe?

Always read the coments, wherein on FARK we found this... um... well, this. Not to be missed: brake "vents" made out of home-depot HVAC vent covers, colored contact paper interior decoration, and a screwed-on home-made "body kit".

Look, I'm all for customizing a car, but a rivet gun and some matching spraypaint does not a custom 'rod make.

Update: don't forget to browse the rest of the "customs" he has listed.

Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2004
My Liberal-fu is More Powerful than Yours!!!

Damion gets a button-pushing no-prize for bringing us BUSHGAME!, a damned elaborate flash game that'll remind you of any number of NES side-scrollers. Only, like, with porn and poorly-thought-out liberal politics. What's not to love?

Posted by scott at 07:36 PM eMail this entry!
Wargame

It took me awhile to get through the Ultimate War Game, but enough other people linked it I eventually gave it a shot. I'm glad I did, because otherwise I would've missed these bon mots:

I want that "Public Support" meter to rise and fall according to Troops Lost, Length of Conflict, Innocents Killed and Whether or Not There is Anything Else On TV That Week.
...
I want to have to choose between 40 dead troops or 400 dead children, and be damned to Hell by chubby pundits from the safety of their studios regardless of which way I go.
...
I want fat, left-wing documentarians carefully editing the only the most incriminating footage, countered only by low-IQ country music singers crooning my praises while in American Flag-colored cowboy hats.
...
I want a big-name hero unit who rallies the troops with his Magical Sword of Slaying, only to be killed when an ammo crate falls off a loading dock.

Via Silflay and Cobb

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
Morons on the Road

This super traffic crunch is funny only because nobody got hurt. Well, actually I'm not sure I'd have minded if the perps got bashed around a bit, but waddayagonnado? Includes very impressive after-accident pictures.

Posted by scott at 10:45 AM eMail this entry!
May 23, 2004
Best Fark Headline Ever

Roses are red, roses are blue. Scientists are great, no cancer cure for you.

I guess that's a minor proof that if enough monkeys type on enough keyboards Shakespear just might come out. Or at least Robin Williams.

Posted by scott at 02:38 PM eMail this entry!
Not Dolls! Action Figures!

Slashdot linked up the ultimate in real-world "action figures" ... geek man! Get yours today!

And I'll have you know I don't wear glasses or a pocket protector. Anymore.

Posted by scott at 11:10 AM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2004
Energizer Bunny In a Can?

Slashdot linked up this amusing article about a journalist doing something useful for a change, by drinking (in two separate one hour sessions) thirteen "energy" driniks like Red Bull and its competitors:

Stacker2 Stinger, with a vicious-looking bee on the can, came in two flavors, Pounding Punch and Sinful Citrus. Pounding Punch tastes like a nonalcoholic version of the Pagan Pink Ripple, a budget wine with tropical flavors that was a landmark beverage for me. Its distinctive hangover, a sneak preview of a cheap and tawdry death, made me realize while still in college why it is very important to drink in moderation. Sinful Citrus combines an insipid, vaguely lemon flavor with a shocking blue-green color. It looks like a product intended to be poured in the toilet. That's where it went in my house, at any rate. I chased it with the Tang-like KMX and a bullet-shaped can of Bottle Rocket.

I've never touched the stuff, don't plan on it. Our inveterate "try anything once" fitness junky Ellen, however, is often caught eyeing those skinny silver cans. Trust me, she's hyper enough already.

Posted by scott at 09:23 PM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2004
The Other Strategic Reserve

Scrappleface hits a solid one with this latest development in the war of words and the oil crisis:

"It's time for George W. Bush to release the strategic cash reserves by repealing tax cuts, and instituting an immediate rebate to the government of monies which taxpayers would have paid under a Democrat administration," [Kerry] said. "That money rightfully belongs to the government, but Bush has squandered it by leaving it in the hands of the proletarians."

Reminds me a lot of some folks in the peanut gallery who think tax cuts take money from the government and give it to the people. Hint: It's your money to begin with. They're just taking less of it.

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
So It's Really Not Just My Office

Truth in Advertising, a look through reality-colored-glasses at what really goes on in a standard office environment. Note: Movie link, but quicktime so mac users can see it.

Actually, our office was only like this for the three year tenure of our previous Director. On either side of that time I've been very fortunate in that the people in charge were (and now are) generally competent and where they should be. But it was bumpy for a very long time. Never trust a male executive who's under 5'4".

Posted by scott at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
May 20, 2004
Insert Disco Joke Here

~"AWwww it's a wheeled... HOUSE"~

Ellen likes the VW bugs, but not so much she'd move into a house shaped like one. The funniest thing is at $1600-ish a month, it costs about as much as our old single bedroom apartment.

Posted by scott at 08:14 AM eMail this entry!
May 19, 2004
How do You Say "Weekly World News" in Arabic?

FYI, just in case you didn't know, gargantuan human remains have been found in the south-east region of Saudi Arabia. Complete with to-scale "no-we-didn't-photoshop-it" picture. I wonder if we could get these guys to hook up with the Landover Baptist Church people?

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
May 18, 2004
Our Favorite Bishop

This is half a test to see if the vampire folk actually read the rest of the site ;).

At any rate, I have received word from our hosting provider that a) our favorite bishop has been in contact with them and b) they told him to, essentially, "bugger off". However, in the process, the term "net.kook" got bandied about. Turned out Ellen had never heard of it, no idea what it meant. So I did a little digging, and found a superb definition (usenet oldtimers need not apply, we all know this by heart):

[Usenet; originally and more formally, `net.kook'] Term used to describe a regular poster who continually posts messages with no apparent grounding in reality. Different from a troll, which implies a sort of sly wink on the part of a poster who knows better, kooks really believe what they write, to the extent that they believe anything.

Of course, as far as I'm concerned, both sides of our "vampire chronicles" fall under this definition. But then again, I'm an old, bitter skeptic prone to throwing rocks at children who stray too close to my lawn*. I'm not to be trusted.

* It's a literary reference mom. I don't throw rocks at children. Well, I don't hit them, anyway.

Posted by scott at 08:32 PM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2004
What They Said
Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
A Car Alarm, for the Rest of Us

Who needs a SnakeCharmer Whistleblatt 2000 (or whatever it is they're selling nowadays) when you can have the TrunkMonkey Theft Retrieval Systemtm instead? I especially like the meaty "thud" of the patented Perpetrator Neutralization Device.

Note: WMV video link. Mac users will need to jump through hoops to see it.

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
May 16, 2004
The Saga of the P-P-Powerbook

Ebay'ers (mom) will probably get a chuckle at the story of the p-p-p-p-powerbook, assuming they can finish it. For those who can't: A gentleman bought an Apple Powerbook but decided he didn't really need it. However, he waited too long to return it, so he decided to sell it on ebay.

At first there was no interest, but he was eventually contacted by a buyer. This buyer wanted to use a previously unknown escrow service for payment. Sensing a scam, he got his internet buddies to help him with some research. Sure enough, convincing evidence surfaced to show this was indeed a scam.

However, instead of just telling the guy to piss off, the seller strung him on long enough to get an actual shipping address. Because he wanted to send something, he created the "p-p-p-p-powerbook" out of a ring binder, some plastic keyboard keys, and some glue. This was sent to the UK shipping address. In the meantime a UK internet buddy actually scoped out the place, and it was decided to catch the scammer in the act.

Unfortunately customs problems prevented the original delivery, but apparently the package was eventually delivered. As of the writing of the "adventure", they were still waiting for a response.

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2004
I'll Only Have to Wait 5 Years for This

Pat gets a well-hidden no-prize for bringing us this joke about a boss, a child, and a helicopter. She thinks it's funny because my brother and I did something vaguely like this when we were little, and were only given away by our giggles. Sometimes hide-and-seek is not funny!

Posted by scott at 02:43 PM eMail this entry!
Men are Pigs, Preschool Version

Don't remember if we linked this before or not, but what the hell. You'll like this new version of the "letter song" by the time it gets to "C". If you're a guy. And not Damion. Note: One or two of the letters are not safe for work. Also amusing: British kids singing "zed".

Posted by scott at 10:06 AM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2004
Sticking By Your Guns Sometimes Blows Up in Your Face

Remember those British Daily Mirror photographs? The ones that showed British soldiers abusing Iraqis in all sorts of dastardly ways? The ones the Daily Mirror absolutely, unequivocally insisted were genuine, with such sincerity you had to give them some credence? Well, guess what?

The editor of the Daily Mirror has been sacked after admitting its alleged Iraqi abuse pictures had been "a hoax".

Of course, the newspaper itself is now the "subject of a calculated and malicious hoax." Oh no sir, we're not at fault, not us! Was someone else! That's it! That's the ticket! Why would anyone believe retired army officers? Why would the government ever tell the truth?

Good to know there's weasels enough on both sides of the pond. Now if we could just yank a knot in Al-Jazeera's tail.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
When More Spare Time Attacks

Ok, so we saw what happens when teenagers have too much spare time on their hands. Guess what happens when grown men get bored? Hey, if his wife can tolerate a giant hole being dug in her back yard, more power to him!

Posted by scott at 10:02 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2004
When Dumbasses Attack

What do you get when you combine too much spare time, unsupervised teenage boys, and fireworks? Well, something like this. Looks like something Damion would've tried in his younger days. On Joshua.

Posted by scott at 12:51 PM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2004
Finally, Campaign Honesty

The URL says it all:

www.johnKerryIsaDouchebagButImVotingForHimAnyway.com

Looks like it's going to be another "you suck... ok you suck... you suck too... hmm..." sort of election.

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2004
Super Granny

Funny only because nobody got hurt, this story about a 102-year-old woman surviving a 4 story fall has a great ending:

A hospital spokesman said: "It's a miracle she wasn't killed, yet alone had no broken bones. All that good Mediterranean food and olive oil has kept her strong."

Posted by scott at 04:31 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2004
Where's COPS When You Need Them?

Sometimes a cop pulls someone over and they're enraged. Sometimes a cop pulls someone over and they're repentant. Sometimes, they want to party:

Deputy John Ross and deputy Kyle Cabness, were apparently mistaken for male strippers when they pulled over a limousine containing a mobile bachelorette party.

"No ma'am, that really is a gun in my pocket."

Posted by scott at 09:05 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2004
Codger-ism

The Earth is degenerating these days.
Bribery and corruption abound.
Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.

from an Assyrian stone tablet, c. 2800 B.C.

Probably apocrypal. As I recall, Assyria was founded fully a thousand years after this quote is attributed. Still, if I had my entire library upacked (coming soon!), I could come up with nearly the exact quote from Greek, Roman, Medieval, and modern times. My mom says something similar a few times per month.

Damned kids. Always screwing things up.

Posted by scott at 09:19 PM eMail this entry!
"Moore" Lies

Everyone's favorite "truth teller" Michael Moore seems to have got caught with his controversy hanging out:

Less than 24 hours after accusing the Walt Disney Company of pulling the plug on his latest documentary in a blatant attempt at political censorship, the rabble-rousing film-maker Michael Moore has admitted he knew a year ago that Disney had no intention of distributing it.

The admission ... lent credence to a growing suspicion that Moore was manufacturing a controversy to help publicise the film.

Of course, just because he lies to get publicity doesn't mean he'd lie in the film itself.

Oh... Wait...

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2004
Richie's Next Album?

Ron Jeremy, Inc. scores another one with Pornosonic, a CD collection of all your favorite "bow-chikka-bow-bow" porno movie music. Note: Movie link, but completely safe for work.

Posted by scott at 01:06 PM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2004
Buy Now! Save Your Soul!

A toy for my FAVORITE Reverend Heathen.

For all of you bible thumpers out there. Religiously correct action figures.

Collect all 3!!!

Posted by Ellen at 05:55 PM eMail this entry!
I'm Sure They do it Very Efficiently Too

Jennifer C gets a "busy" no-prize for bringing us news that BMW drivers really do seem to have it better:

BMW drivers have more sex than owners of any other cars and are much more active than Porsche drivers, a new German car magazine has found.

Of course, it might be said the rest of us are busier driving our cars around, but I'm not sure that's much of a compliment.

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
Dumbass Is...

Fark linked up this story of a party barge, a nudie beach, and 60 utter dumbasses:

Witnesses told authorities all the people on the boat moved to one side as it approached a lakeside park called Hippie Hollow. It has the only public nude beach in Texas.

The sad thing is that, contrary to reality TV shows, nude beaches are not filled with buxom 20-somethings and buff lifeguards with washboard abs. The vast majority of attendees are just like you and me... i.e. people you would not really want to see naked.

Well, so I've been told anyway.

Posted by scott at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2004
Shaggy Cat Story

Sarah G. gets an over-curious no-prize for bringing us this story of a cat, a disposal, and a whole lot of trouble:

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

In all honesty, I'm really surprised one of ours hasn't tried a stunt like this. Ellen would be a complete and utter basket case. Amber would probably have a sympathetic heart attack.

Posted by scott at 09:53 AM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2004
I Wonder How You Say "Squish" in German?

Contest: Main Battle Tank vs. Standard Euro sedan. Result: FATALITY

I think the main reason people aren't allowed to own tanks is because it'd be too damned much fun to run stuff over with them. Under no circumstances will we let Ms. Road Rage '04 Carozza get in one, at least not unless we're all a long, long way off.

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
Think of Them as Really Round Penises

A careful viewer will note the cars that sit on these monstrosities are not actually Japanese. Whoever thought you could chrome-dip tractor wheels?

Of course you know it's only a matter of time before they do start turning up on Japanese cars. Coupled with the standard "dumbass-doesn't-realize-it's-a-parachute" wings, getting them into parking garages will be most amusing!

Posted by scott at 09:35 AM eMail this entry!
WTF?

While This St. Petersburg Times piece is mostly about a pedestrian if occasionally colorful murder case, a careful reader will note something rather jarring:

Four days [after breaking into a cell phone dealership], [Kenneth D.] Holland tried to burglarize a 1991 Fleetwood motor home ... After he unsuccessfully tried to pry open the door, Holland turned his attention to a 2004 Alfa Romeo motor home and broke a window, the report said. (emphasis added)

Ok, in case you all were wondering, no, Alfa never made a motor home, let alone one nearly ten years after they left the US market. Alfa people are so desperate for recognition I'd have heard of a same-name company that just happens to make RVs years ago.

So I guess the question should be, is there a motor home company that sorta sounds like AR, or is the reporter just retarded?

Oh, I know the answer, I just want to see if you do.

Posted by scott at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2004
Monty Python in the Traffic Lane

Slashdot linked up this BBCnews article detailing the latest in highway safety inventions: self-propelled, robotic traffic barrels:

Each 130cm-high robot takes the form of a bright red barrel which sits atop a three-wheeled motorised base

I'm sorry, the image of one of these things studiously plodding into position only to get creamed by Buffy-the-SUV-Slayer just makes me laugh out loud. But in all seriousness better that than her splatting a highway worker.

Because we all know how busy those highway workers are.

Posted by scott at 02:27 PM eMail this entry!
~ I Puts on Women's Clothing, and Hangs Around in Bars ~

So let's say you're a guy going through the attic getting ready to move, and lo and behold you find your ex-wife's wedding dress. What do you do? What do you do, punk?!? Sell it on e-bay, of course:

I found my ex-wife's wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, "That’s such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it." So, this is what I’m doing. I’m selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer.

You'll never believe who he's got modeling the thing. Even better is the description:

As I was putting this ad in EBay, it asked me for a color. Is a wedding dress any other freaking color than white or ivory??!! If it is it wouldn't be a wedding dress, now would it?? I suppose black would work...

God I love this country!

Posted by scott at 12:43 PM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2004
When Darwin Awards Attack

Yeah, I know, I'm a sick bastard, but I'm sorry I just can't stop laughing at this:

A Hamas suicide bomber blew up two armed Palestinians who tried to rob him at gun point in the Gaza Strip.

I'm quite simply paralized by all the different black humor angles to this thing. This is such bad karma!

Posted by scott at 09:53 AM eMail this entry!
Shocked I Tell You, Just Shocked!

What happens when a third-string journalist tries to a foreign policy expert? This happens:

The Chinese, who launched their first astronaut into space last year, are "shocked" the United States has not welcomed them into the tight-knit community of space-faring nations.
...
[This expectation of a warm welcome] ran into a wall of U.S. suspicion that the Chinese program, which is under military control, could someday pose a threat to the U.S. domination in satellites used for military communications, reconnaissance and tracking.

Launching the first man into orbit was a stunt designed to send a message to the United States... we can loft a warhead anywhere into your country and there's not a damned thing you can do about it. Our reply meant the same thing. It took forty years before we started to "warmly" co-operate with our other space rival.

Now here comes the next bunch, with missles and warheads and a big ol' oppressive oligarchy and a military nobody really understands let alone controls, and we're supposed to welcome them with open arms? The only really surprising thing is that a reporter would find it surprising.

Or maybe not.

Posted by scott at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
April 27, 2004
You Geeve Me the Idol, I Geeve You the Whip

In the "press releases are not actually news" category, we have this announcement of the imminent discovery of Noah's ark:

The Trinity Corporation today announced that they have collected new satellite images taken over Mount Ararat in Eastern Turkey [which] reveal a man- made structure at the site where the Bible states Noah's Ark came to rest.

Paging Indiana Jones, white courtesy phone please....

I personally find the Black Sea flood theory a much more interesting and more likely scenario.

Update: Slashdot linked the story too, but chose this CNN article. Interesting in that you get to see how the media transform a press conference and issued release into a news "story".

Space.com actually has one of their pictures. Looks like a weird outcrop to me.

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2004
The Dumbest Freshmen in the World

Want to tip over a car in celebration of your team's victory? Maybe you shouldn't choose a police car (note: video link). And someone please tell me when mutton chops came back into style? Or did that guy just look as retarded as he acted?

Posted by scott at 12:24 PM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2004
Wine, for the Rest of Us

Is nothing sacred?!? Ah hell, who am I pointing a finger at. I drink the stuff out of a box.

Posted by scott at 05:00 PM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2004
I'm Just Glad E-bay Wasn't Around in 1973

While BBCnews is all aflutter, I think this story of a woman trying to sell her kid on e-bay is at least smirk-worthy. My brother and I were constantly being told we were one sale away from being gypsies. Of course, since we were able to recite our full address it was inevitable that they'd send us back. We really were that awful as children.

Posted by scott at 09:22 AM eMail this entry!
April 20, 2004
Not Funny! Bad Scott! Bad Scott! No Biscuit!

Oh, I know it's bad karma, but I couldn't help smirking at these two cartoons. Kaboom times two!

Posted by scott at 12:44 PM eMail this entry!
Passwords R Us

There's not a sysadmin in the world who's going to be surprised by this one:

Almost three quarters of office workers in an impromptu man-on-the-street survey were willing to give up their passwords when offered the bribe of a chocolate bar.

One of the most grating parts of my job is new executives and their passwords. I set passwords for people around here, mainly to keep them from choosing "dog" or "bob" or "sue" or things like that. Most folks accept them or work with me to modify them toward something they'll remember. Executives, on the other hand, are quite indignant that they can't a) set their own password and b) must work with an "underling" to make the change. I mean, privacy and security are so important! Within six weeks, however, their executive assistant knows their password, and of course they have no problem sharing it with me.

Is a lobotomy just required for someone to the executive pool?

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2004
Such a Charming Child

You know, Olivia could easily come up with a word mix-up as good as this, but guess who would be the one getting in trouble?

Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2004
I Do Hereby Promise

I think we may have featured this soapbox bit awhile back, but Cheri gets a no-prize anyway for reminding us.

Surprisingly, I haven't actually received any virus hoax messages of late. For nearly a decade, someone would send me two or three per month with breathless "is this true?!?" inquiries. But now, nothing. I guess now that Outlook e-mail viruses really are endemic and never-ending, the real viruses are causing plenty enough confusion on their own.

Posted by scott at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2004
God Wants You to Buy Their Stuff

From Christian panties to Sweet Jesus candy, Miss Poppy's has it all. Sort of reminds me of a Christian Trader Joe's, only weirder. Hey, if Landover Baptist does business there, it's gotta be good!

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2004
This Week's Award for "Dumbest Man in the World" Goes To...

A German gentleman who, laid (ha!) up from multiple fractures, decided to telephone a "full service" girl. Of course, not able to move very much, there was the problem of payment:

[U]nable to walk, he gave the woman his bank card to collect her fee and she helped herself to his cash.

I'm not sure which is more ridiculous, that it happened or that he actually called the police to file a complaint. He may lack brains, but he seems to have plenty of balls.

Posted by scott at 01:02 PM eMail this entry!
Let's Give That Cage Another Rattle

Scrapple Face is 2-for-2 with a headline the media tried to get Bush give them:

[Bush] steadfastly refused to apologize for the 9/11 terror attacks, instead he again advanced the now-discredited theory that terrorists, not U.S. government officials, were to blame for the terrorism.

How many American troops would have to die in Iraq before you would admit W was wrong?

How many? How many? Tell me sir, when did you stop beating your wife?

Posted by scott at 10:55 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2004
Contains an Excess of Zoom

Finally, I think I've found the small car with which to take down a certain V-8 powered pony car:

A Belgian motorist was left stunned after authorities sent him a speeding ticket for travelling in his Mini at three times the speed of sound.

Virginia slaps you around pretty bad for just 10 mph over the limit. I wonder what 2050 mph over nets you?

Via Silflay

Posted by scott at 04:17 PM eMail this entry!
Headlines, for the Rest of Us

I really should check out scrappleface more often:

A presidential briefing, dated August 6, 2001, and released by the White House yesterday, shows that in 1998 George W. Bush did nothing to respond to the threat of terror attacks from Usama bin Laden's al Qaeda network.

I liked a line from "This Just In" regarding this very thing (paraphrased from memory):

"Everyone's looking for someone to blame 9-11 on. That's easy... Arabs.

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2004
An Asian "Jackass"?

Hong Kong is famous for a massive set of moving sidewalks that help traverse the city's large elevation changes. What happens late at night when they're closed down? Wok Boarding, anyone? I wonder if they ever mow down anyone during these escapades?

Posted by scott at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2004
Think of Them as Fake Boobies for a Car

For those who want the look but are too dumb or poor to get it right, we have:

I especially like the screw-on friction lock of the "turbo whistler".

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2004
Easter Game

Toss eggs at bunnies for Easter!

Kind of like Elf bowling, but the object is to sling shot eggs at bunnies. I do have not been able to hit a bunny yet, I'm horrible at video games

No bunnies were harmed in the making of this video.

Posted by Ellen at 09:57 PM eMail this entry!
When Right Wing-Nuts Attack

Joshua gets a tasteful but conservative no-prize for bringing us Right-wing eye for the Straight Guy. The pacings a little off, but the humor's right (ha!) on.

I never claimed the right didn't have wackos. I just think they're a lot funnier than what the left has.

Posted by scott at 03:13 PM eMail this entry!
Hopefully Richie Sent the Card in on Time

Because, after all, guess who's birthday it is? Yet another autograph-to-be in Olivia's collection I'm sure :).

Posted by scott at 01:55 PM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2004
My Wife's Long Lost Sister?

We need to re-work our FAQs, they're ancient, in the meantime, you can take a look at what Ellen would probably write, especially if she were still a regular Resort user. Warning: No nudity, but lots of "all-a-twitter" swearing. Any chick who does online chats for any length of time eventually ends up sounding like this. For very good reasons.

Posted by scott at 01:36 PM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2004
George of the (computer) Jungle

One of the most difficult things to convey to "normal" folks is how incoherent someone can be when they're trying to get help on their computer. Finally though, I've found a site that does so, nicely. Apparently a classic, but I'd never heard of it before. Welcome to my world!

Posted by scott at 03:15 PM eMail this entry!
When Tow Trucks Attack

Presenting, for your amusement, A tale of woe concerning a Volkswagen, a tow company, a lawyer, and a cop.

We've had both our cars towed by the parking nazis that work for our development. The first time around it was the Cruiser, which had a valid parking sticker, and we should've done something similar to what this gentleman did. Next time we will.

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
I Wonder if She'd Leave Her Little Shoes Behind?

We just found the perfect gift for the martyr-to-be in your life! That's right folks, Suicide Bomber Barbie should be appearing soon in a store near you!

Yes, it's tacky, but it also makes a valid point:

A recent interview with a nine year old Palestinian girl had her saying she had wanted to be a doctor, but could now no longer study or sleep at night, and now only wanted to be a martyr. [The artist, Simon] Tyszko says of her that ‘she has effectively bought the notion of suicide bombing as a lifestyle choice – it has become aspirational, an off the shelf peer led option.’

A satirical artist that I actually agree with. What is the world coming to?

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2004
OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

The "Naked Chef" got a little too naked recently:

Jamie [Oliver], 28 — famed for his show The Naked Chef — said: "It was on Valentine’s Day. I was naked in the kitchen and burnt my penis. I really ruined my evening — and my night."

This easily beats the time I burned my hand grabbing a pizza pan becaused I whacked it on the countertop.

Posted by scott at 03:41 PM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2004
When Practical Jokes Attack

Oh the games people play:

A 33-year-old man has been charged with falsely reporting an incident after faking his own hanging as an April Fool's joke on his ex-wife, according to Oswego County sheriff's ... his ex-wife called 911 before he told her it was a prank.

Must be one of those "parted as friends" couples. Most of the divorcees I know would've done the secret happy dance if they found their ex hanging from a tree.

Well, ok, maybe not hanging from a tree, but I don't know a one who wouldn't smile at a sprained ankle or two.

Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2004
8-Track Memories

Ellen didn't believe that "Put Another Log on the Fire" was a real song, even though I could belt out one whole verse and a chorus. Well, guess what?

Put another log on the fire
Cook me up some bacon & some beans
And go out to the car & change the tire
Wash my socks and blow my old blue jeans
Come on baby you can fill my pipe & then go fetch my slippers
And boil me up another pot of tea
Then put another log on the fire babe
And come & tell me why you're leaving me

My parents had this one on 8-track, can't remember what album it appeared on. I recall that it was a live performance, but this was a long time ago. It's not quite as impressive just reading the lyrics... you have to hear the whole honky-tonky-clonky music to get the full effect. You know you want to!

To think people say country music is silly...

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
Kinda Brings a Whole New Meaning to "Landing Lights"

Ellen's already starting to make belly dance costumes in her spare time. I bet this stuff will take it to a whole new level. Also helpful for guys with poor night vision!

Posted by scott at 01:15 PM eMail this entry!
The Death of Rice

Damion: I really like the old Austin mini's... very cool look there. I wonder if I could wedge a Honda motor in one?
Scott: Bah. Nobody's that crazy.

Famous last words. What do you get when you drop a 220+ hp motor into a chasis that weighs 1700 lbs soaking wet? Can you say rice killer? I knew you could.

Personally if he gets one I think it should be painted black, with logos of Death on the fenders, a giant "Type R" hanging from his scythe. But that's just me.

Snide comment from a certain Pontiac fan in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 10:02 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2004
When True Believers Attack

This is looking to be a "cheerleading" day, so the Yellow-Dog Peanut Gallery may just want to... well, now hang on, I always give you pinkos a fair hearing (oh yes I do! I do so! Stop throwing shoes!), so let's just stick with the facist for awhile, eh?

Anyway, this one's for all the times one or another of you have dredged up some particularly nasty right-winger as an example of what you're "saving" the country from:

It's certainly a misconception that Democrats are eloquent, sophisticated, sensitive, and therefore beyond the knavish dirt commonly attributed to the "right-wing attack dog." Last week, I found no difference between the two.
...
"Just saw the plug by Rush . . . Congrats!" wrote a professional acquaintance with dry humor. "It is a shame, though, that your piece should be placed in the service of evil."

The author is a registered Democrat writing for the Village Voice, I'll have you know.

"Yeah yeah yeah, so we Democrats have a few nutty relatives locked in the attic, so what? The Republicans are in charge!" Well what the hell do you think will happen if you guys win? Eh? The crazies aren't let out, they pick the locks when nobody's looking. Pardon me for being just as frightened of your loons as you are of mine.

And don't look at me like that. I'm the libertarian wacko, remember? I think they're all a bunch of carpetbaggers with smiles on their faces and crowbars in their hands.

Via Site Essential.

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2004
Putting a Period on it

Lynn Truss is mad as hell at Britain's punctuation habits, and she's not taking it any more:

Taking a zero tolerance approach to grammatical lapses, she wrote a sprightly guide to punctuation, "Eats, shoots and leaves," that has sold more than half a million copies in Britain alone and soared to the top of bestseller lists.
...
But she will not cast the first stone at the Americans, often mocked by the haughty British for bastardizing their mother tongue ... "My sense of it is that British English is worse actually than American English. I think Americans really like rules. I think we in Britain are very slapdash and don't care if we are right or wrong."

Ha! Take zat you henglish pig-dogz!

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2004
Guns Don't Kill People, Ovens Do

My mom is famous for storing flammable items like pizza boxes in her oven. We tend to store big cookie sheets and cast-iron pans in it. But this bunch from Texas has got us all beat:

A woman was shot in the hip Friday morning while cooking a meal after the heat of the oven discharged a .357 revolver that she didn't know was hidden inside.

What's in your oven that shouldn't normally be there?

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2004
No, Eet's Flat Like Your Head...

I'd always heard about the Flat Earth Society, but never really in very much detail. Then I found this 24 year old interview with its founder, which provides a very nice summary. Also gives an insight into what it's like to talk to a person who's nominatively sane yet completely off their rocker. Has some interesting post-scripts at the very end.

To see if the FES was still around after its founder's demise, I did a google search on the name. I ended up with a bunch of sites claiming to be the FES, but on examination I'm of the opinion they're all hoaxes. It would seem either the FES died with Mr. Schadewald, or his successors have yet to "discover" the Internet.

Posted by scott at 01:08 PM eMail this entry!
When Scientists Attack

Sarah gets a latinate no-prize for letting us know caterpillars aren't the only things scientists give funny names to. I personally like Ittibittium houbrick myself.

Posted by scott at 08:00 AM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2004
Punctuated Equilibrium

Everyone knows that insects are the most numerous complex life form on the planet (well, everyone should... toldja that biology was important!) But hardly anyone thinks about what sort of implication this would hold for actually naming the damned things. Well, wonder no more, as we are proud to present Polygonia comma and Polygonia interrogationis, possible the very first life forms on earth to be named after puntuation marks.

Posted by scott at 11:59 AM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2004
RTFM, NASA-style

Sometimes, you just gotta be 100% sure everyone knows what to do. You're apparently looking at one of the hardpoints that mounts a Space Shuttle to its 747 transport. The text reads:

PLACE ORBITER HERE... BLACK SIDE DOWN

Of course, nobody's tried to mount an orbiter upside down, so this must be working pretty well for them! :)

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2004
Brings a Whole New Definition to "Hard Up"

Nina gets a pixlated no-prize for bringing us The Accidental Video Game Porn Archive. Somewhere, Beavis and Butthead are giggling their heads off.

Posted by Ellen at 07:43 PM eMail this entry!
Scaled Naughtiness

What do you get when you combine HO-scale trains, a hobby that requires a lot of spare time anyway, with even more spare time? HO-scale porn! (NOTE: safe for work, scroll down.) Boy, won't the church lady be surprised to see your train collection!

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2004
On the Usefulness of Rug Rats

They get into everything, they stick whatever isn't nailed down in their mouths, and there's no such thing as a button that can't be pushed. Gotta love babies. Of course, sometimes it pays off:

The D'Onofrios keep their telephones out of the reach of 21-month-old Billy, since he likes to push the buttons and make random calls. There's tape over the television controls to keep him from changing the channel.

But the boy's inquisitive nature is no longer considered a problem since he opened the battery compartment on the television remote and uncovered a purple battery worth $100,000.

Olivia's starting to crawl now (and the little monster is fast), so I know it's only a matter of time before we discover a sandwich in the VCR. Ah, the joys of parenting.

Posted by scott at 01:24 PM eMail this entry!
But What About the Vikings?

So you think Spam is just about unwanted e-mail and a funny Monty Python sketch? Think again:

Spamburgers, Spam nuggets, Spam Spaghetti, Caesar salad with Spam, Spam and eggs: the menu at the Spamjam restaurant in Manila could be straight out of the Monty Python sketch.

I haven't eaten the stuff in years, but I don't recall it being that bad. I fully expect it to end up on our shelf next to Vienna sausages when Olivia turns about 7. I even have a can sitting in my desk drawer, courtesy of an over-eager software salesman who was peddling e-mail filters one day.

My mom swears we never ate it not once. Of course, my mom also has a tendency to go out in public with two different shoes on. I wonder if cats will eat it?

Posted by scott at 07:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2004
I Wonder if Bass Pro Shop Carries Them?

Presenting the off-road commode, the ultimate in hunter accessories. Also marks the first time I've ever seen full-motion video as part of an e-bay auction.

Well, I know what Billy (our inveterate outdoorsman in the family) is getting for his next Christmas present!

Posted by scott at 03:47 PM eMail this entry!
Possessed in 30 Seconds

Thing is, even when done with cute bunnies, I think this "remake" of the exorcist is a teensy bit creepy. Ok, only a teensy bit. I mean, come on, it's bunnies.

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2004
Why I Have a Beard

Shaving Industry Lies, where you'll find the truth about fancy razors, electric shavers, and just what, exactly, happens to your disposable razor when you're not around. Hint: it's not pretty, not pretty at all.

Posted by scott at 11:57 AM eMail this entry!
Insert Woody Allen Joke Here

"Tecklepoo" gets a no-prize with the Great Leader's face on it for bringing us news that one set of scientists is starting a clone by working with just the nose. People say sci-fi movies are good predictors of technology, but I don't think anyone ever thought that would apply to The Sleeper. It's an odd, odd world.

Posted by scott at 09:51 AM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2004
Well, it Sounds Nasty Enough

Slashdot linked up this story detailing how the city of Aliso Viejo nearly went through with a ban on styrofoam cups containing "dihydrogen monoxide", a clear, odorless chemical that can be deadly if inhaled. Of course, it took a little more research to find out that what was actually being warned against was a cup full of water.

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2004
So That's Where My Rivet Gun Went

"AMCGLTD", we hear you ask, "my boyfriend wants to go out on a road trip with his buddies, but they all have the common sense of oatmeal. How can I make sure he'll get home safely, and won't get stolen by some enterprising hussy?"

Fear not gentle reader! AMCGLTD is there for you! Presenting Boyfriend-Marker, your one-stop-shop for permanent, safe, and humane boyfriend tags. Their patented and nearly painless system helps ensure your man will never wander far from home. All tag numbers are registered in a central "boyfriend come home" database, giving you peace of mind that should your man meet with an unfortunate boating accident or a slut who's handy with tools, the tag will be returned to you wherever it is found. Order yours today!

I personally like the band around the ankle approach better

Posted by scott at 10:10 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2004
Have a Bone

Yeah ok, Damion has way too much time on his hands.

I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants when this popped up.

Posted by Ellen at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
March 11, 2004
It's Only a Matter of Time

Joshua gets a squeaky-clean no-prize for bringing us a graphic example of what will happen if Ellen doesn't start putting her laptop away soon. Olivia already loves banging on the "beepy flashy thing", lord knows where it'll go next.

Posted by scott at 03:51 PM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2004
Must Have More!

Joshua gets a well-packed no-prize for bringing us on-line bubble wrap. Strangely entertaining, at least for a short while.

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2004
With Reporters Like These...

Journalists like to think of themselves as on top of things, asking insightful questions to tease out the truth. Anyone who's watched a press conference, however, knows its more like herding cats. Dumb cats:

Asked how he knew the man killed was a gunman, [U.S. Marine Col. Charles] Gurganus said: "He had a gun, and he was shooting at Marines. That's what I call a gunman."

Sometimes I think the press is very important to our overall understanding of what our government and armed forces are up to. Sometimes I think they should all just be beaten with a sock full of wet sand.

Anyone have a sock I can borrow?

Via IMAO

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
Jinxed at School

This clever advertisement just goes to show... always check your feet!

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2004
Farm Sluts

Presenting a tale of woe and bad luck, Farm Sluts. Just about the funniest short film I've seen in awhile, but grim, which is probably why most of you will like it. You sick puppies you.

As the Keeper of the Spam Bin here at work*, I do actually have to be careful about this. More than once I've had to hit the power button on my monitor once or twice because the spammers managed to con me into looking at something just as someone rounded the corner to my office. There's a reason my monitor points directly away from the door!

Posted by scott at 12:32 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2004
Mall-ing America

This Washington Post article (free reg, blah blah blah) about how malls could be better designed is interesting in and of itself, but I laughed out loud at this one:

[Paco Underhill, a retail researcher] spends a lot of time dissecting one of the most troubling issues for shoppers, which is the different way that men and women approach a mall. Men go to the mall just to go, with the family, to see people, to be out. Women go to the mall to shop ... on a city street, men walk faster than women. In the mall, it's the reverse: "Men tend to wander malls like semi-lost children, whereas women are the ones who inhabit the place with a true shopper's sense of purpose."

Malls could help the situation, but again, they don't. Underhill suggests better seating for men and more stores and attractions that typically appeal to them. "This has become one of the most poignant issues in all malldom, the matter of what to do with men while shopping takes place," Underhill says.

So that's why women look at men like they're retarded when we're all in a mall. Ok, so maybe it's one of the reasons.

Posted by scott at 03:36 PM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2004
No, It's Not "You-All", it's "Ya'll"

Looks like if we ever manage to visit London, we'll still be able to get good barbeque:

There has been nothing subtle about the arrival of down-home Southern cooking in London. Thanks to the overpowering smell coming out of Bodean's chimney and a handful of American soul food restaurants that have opened here in the last year, the English - or at least, a certain trendy subset of British foodies - have discovered Southern food, and have gone gaga for it.

Of course, the author seems to have mixed up soul food, Tex-Mex, and barbeque, at least as I was raised to understand it. But he's a Yankee... he couldn't help it.

Via Site-Essential.

Posted by scott at 10:56 AM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2004
Tests! Get Yer Silly Tests Here!

This time we have one for the ladies, and one for the guys. You get to pick which is which:

My results (click the MORE link) were surprisingly unsurprising, at least to me. How'd you do?

Via Cobb and Michele, respectively.

*Slosh*
You will sink in a mire. You like to think you're
normal, but deep down you really just want to
strip off your clothes and roll around in
chicken fat.

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla
Posted by scott at 12:24 PM eMail this entry!
If the UN Solved the Problem of the Ring

IMAO hits a solid one with this "what-if" scenario involving the UN, France, GW Bush, and The One Ring:

'France shall takeses good cares of the ring,' Jacques Chirac said, rubbing his hands together greedily, 'Yesss. Give the precious to France.'
...
'No!' Gandalf yelled, 'If the ring is wielded by anyone, then its evil shall eventually find its way back to Sauron. Then all will be lost. The ring must be destroyed.'

'While we're deciding whether to destroy it or not,' Condi said as she reached for the pedestal, 'Why don't I hold on to it.'

Posted by scott at 08:11 AM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2004
Tiger Grabbin'

This Japanese video (which requires no knowledge of Japanese to enjoy), proves a number of things:

To the fighter jock:
Boom and zoom is always more fun than turn and burn (or: You meet a better class of people in the vertical.)

To the car guy:
Big and powerful is not always superior to nimble and quick.

To the cat chick:
Kitties are cute! Apes are mean!

To the tiger:
Freaking bouncy annoying @#$% food-thing... hold still!

To the ape:
Freaking big smelly annoying @$%* punk-ass kids... get off my lawn!

~Let's bungle/in the jungle~

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
A Postcard from the Edge

Well, if people are going to call me an extreme wacko, might as well go all the way:

Some people walk by the Hummer. We can see them outside, but they can't see in. I'm betting he's going to yell for help.

He does.

"Help! Help! Get me out of here! Help! Murder! Murder! Capitalist Murder! George Bush Repubs here!!!!"

I laugh. They walk by. They never heard a thing. Of course they wouldn't. This truck is Tritanium Plasteel reinforced with Transparent Aluminum windows. You can shoot it with an RPG and nothing will happen. Yeah, that's right - it isn't of this earth. The Aliens at Roswell negotiated a deal with us Repubs a few decades ago and we've been profiting ever since. Our tobacco plantations and other manufacturing sectors have been feeding them their basic necessities of the pleasures of life and in return, we get things to make it easier to rule the world. They love chocolate and coffee too. Why do you think the price has gone up lately?

Long but brilliant satire of attitudes on both sides.

Or is it... ?

Via Misha.

Posted by scott at 10:11 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2004
When Cuteness Isn't Enough

Kris gets a big thick catalog of no-prizes for bringing us this graphic demonstration of dissatisfaction in the workplace.

Gotta be careful with those things. What seems soft enough at low speed can be damned hard when moving fast. When I worked at McDonalds they had these gigantic rolls of plastic wrap... probably three feet across and 2500 feet long. A new roll was about six inches thick and weighed twenty pounds easy. However, it was soft enough you could press your thumb into it and leave an imprint.

Which, I suppose, is what convinced one of the cooks it would make a good "bop" tool in the horse-around games the closing crew would play at times. The resulting concussion received by a front-line girl might've resulted in criminal charges had we not all known the kid was harmless and horrified at what had happened. Of course, it didn't hurt that nobody particularly liked the bop-ee.

See? I've been evil a long time.

Update Link fixed. Sorry 'bout that.

Posted by scott at 11:57 AM eMail this entry!
Unfortunately, You Can't Put it On the Dash

Behold the power of Cheesus. ~ I don't care if the whole world freezes/ as long as I've got my Cheddar Cheesus (TM)~

Via, appropriately enough, The Cheese Stands Alone.

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2004
ünbøring Pørn?

We have several friends with Ikea furnishings who may find this little exchange about a special... modification... to an Ikea door interesting. Hopefully they used grommets. Those splinters would be killer.

Note: Text only, totally safe for work.

Posted by scott at 02:05 PM eMail this entry!
Dixie Chick or Yankee Dude?

Pat gets a no-prize from the other side of the Mason-Dixon line for bringing us the Yankee/Dixie quiz. I scored 74% southern. Don't ask me why. Yawl.

Posted by scott at 07:58 AM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2004
Road Porn

You knew it was only a matter of time:

Police said [Andre Gainey] from Clifton Park, New York, was watching a adult movie called "Chocolate Foam" on Tuesday night while driving his Mercedes Benz in the town of Schenectady when he was spotted by an officer at a stop light.

We're actually beginning to see a lot of these things inside vans because they're easy to spot at night. We may get one some day for the Cruiser to keep Olivia entertained on long drives. Scary to think you can mount them where the driver can see them.

Posted by scott at 03:52 PM eMail this entry!
Patent Pending?

Scientific American is featuring this article from their August 2003 issue detailing the wonderful wacky world of patents. Among them:

Method of treating chest pain, patent 6,457,474, Carl E. Hanson of St. Paul, Minn. This inventor has patented lime juice to replace nitroglycerin as a treatment for chest pain such as angina pectoris. Making the patented invention requires only modest skill. "Limeade in non-concentrated form," according to the document, "was prepared by opening a can of the Minute Maid brand Premium All Natural Frozen Concentrate for Limeade, removing the contents and placing it in a pitcher, adding approximately 52 fluid ounces (about 4.5 cans) of tap water to the frozen concentrate and stirring.

So much for Ellen's margueritas!

Posted by scott at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
February 19, 2004
Wow, There Actually Are People Geekier Than Me!

So where are you in the hierarchy?

I've actually moved up the tree quite a bit, as I no longer do the role playing game thing and haven't gone to a convention in years. Of course, having a bunch of goths as friends makes it much easier to stay high up in the tree...

I kid!!! I kid!!!

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
February 18, 2004
AWOL Funny

It's a joke. Laugh damn you, laugh.

Posted by scott at 12:48 PM eMail this entry!
Stupid Is...

Pat gets a no-prize with the trailer still attached for bringing us this list of funny, goofy, audacious, and just generally "oh-my-god-you-can't-be-that-stupid-and-still-breathe" stories. I think a couple of these people tried to rob my folks' liquor store a few times.

Posted by scott at 09:24 AM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2004
Busted!

Just because you're the deputy Mayor it doesn't mean you get to play with the siren:

One of [New York City] Mayor Bloomberg's top deputy mayors will have the lights and sirens stripped from her car after she was caught by a television crew abusing them to get to work faster.

My mom was a city councilman (person?) long time ago in our old home town. As little as Dumas Arkansas was (pop. 6400), the stunts the local government would pull were much worse than what you normally hear coming out of a place like NYC. Big fish, meet small pond, etc.

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2004
Care Bear, Meet Vulgar Bear

On the one hand, even I think this is a little crude. On the other, the look on Olivia's various grandmothers's faces when they see her holding it might just be worth the cost.

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
All Your Code Are Belong to Us

When we found out Windows NT and Windows 2000 source code had been released publicly, we had to go find it. First we found this brief snippet, but it took trolling the comments on FARK to find the real stuff. Click MORE to see the super-secret powerhouse engine behind the Microsoft juggernaut...

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[160000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
Posted by scott at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2004
Powell to Congress Critters: Drop Dead

Sometimes the political infighting is boring, but sometimes it's not:

Secretary of State Colin L. Powell, a retired four-star general known for his even temperament, paused yesterday during a congressional hearing to berate a Hill staffer for shaking his head as Powell offered a defense of his prewar statements on Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction.

I've met a few hill staffers before. The junior ones fairly ooze a special kind of elitist obnoxious attitude, sort of like a skunk in a suite (but a skunk at least stinks with a purpose). Anyone b*tch slapping them in public is OK by me. Woot! Go Colin! Go Colin!

Posted by scott at 03:06 PM eMail this entry!
Olivia's Game

Violence as a training tool. It's a good thing.

The next one they should come up with is "dads hitting boys with bats."

Posted by scott at 11:48 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2004
Yet Another Way to Prove You're Smarter than Us

Being famous for my (lack of) observational skills, it's not at all surprising I only scored 380 on the snapshot game. Stupid pictures...

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
Scandalous I Tell You, Just Scandalous!

In the "prudish is as prudish does" category, we have this breathless article detailing the latest snow board craze: porn star decoration. Well, Richie did need something to hang on the walls you know.

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2004
Candy, for the Rest of Us

Jen C. gets a heart-shaped no-prize for bringing us news of the newest "bittersweets". Made by the folks who bring you the "Demotivator" calendars, they consist of the classic sugar hearts with romantic slogans like "Aim Lower", "C That Door?", and "Return 2 Pit". Now if that doesn't say romance, I don't know what does.

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2004
When Senility Attacks

Rob gets a no-prize made of Mars rock for bringing us this howler from the journalist voted "Most Likely to Drop Dead at His Desk" this year:

The moon is like a trip to the mall compared with going to Mars. The moon is 250,000 miles away. Mars is 35 million miles. Scientists have said that it would probably be a one-way trip for whoever made it, because gravity on Mars is so strong that it would be impossible to bring along enough fuel for them to take off and return to Earth. [emphasis added]

Scientists? How about simply misremembering a New York Times columnist? (Slashdot link because NYT wants money to see the article now.) Besides, the whole fuel issue is, well, a non-issue at this point.

Of course, this is just Andy Rooney. Don't bother writing an angry letter, because it'll just give him a reason to create a snarky reply bit rhythmically snorting about "space geeks and sci-fi nuts with no jobs." Besides, it's not like he's on a prestigious news show famous for its investigative reports and fact-checks.

Oh, wait...

Posted by scott at 03:18 PM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2004
Open Mouth, Insert Foot[ball]

Boy, when they say it's a competitive recruiting environment in college athletics, they aren't kidding:

The head football coach at the University of Colorado has told a former colleague it would be harder to recruit star athletes if the school did not show them a good time and take them to sex parties.

The battles between the athletic department and the rest of the school at the University of Arkansas are legendary. I doubt if it's any different at other land grant colleges or other universities with heavy athletic traditions. The traditional sop is prominent athletic programs bring big donors to a university. However, it's been my experience those big donors just build larger athletic facilities. As far as I know, not a single independent study has ever confirmed the assertion.

Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2004
Busted

I'm not dead yet!:

Stephen Laskowski, Sr. had claimed [his wife] Donna was working on the 12th floor of one of the towers of the World Trade Center when it came crashing down. He had turned in paperwork requesting more than a million dollars from the 9/11 Victim's Compensation Fund, just a week before the cut-off.

Donna's name was even listed on the victim's compensation website as a victim.

"That's when it hit me how bad this was," says [Donna] Laskowski.

Actually, I'm surprised they haven't found more people trying to scam this.

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
Re-Enlistment Made Easy

Well, Jeff, how's this one for motivating the troops? Click the powerpoint presentation at the bottom of the story.

~ 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... ~

Posted by scott at 12:57 PM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2004
Testing 1, 2, 3...

Finally, an e-bay auction item that won't expire! Well, not for the next 27 years at any rate. The bid history page is a hoot.

This sorta reminds me of when my college buddies took a hex editor to their copy of Moria, a netHack clone. They were trying to pre-stock all the really good stuff in the store, but instead ended up with a store stocked with ,'s. That's right, commas. Damned things were expensive too! They were great for squashing peasants with (you could throw them a long way), but apparently didn't do much damage to dragons.

Yeah I know. After about fifteen minutes of giggling even we thought it was all too geeky for words. Ah, college...

Posted by scott at 12:33 PM eMail this entry!
Where's Tipper When You Need Her?

Fark linked up this Sun article describing the latest SIMS knock-off to hit the streets. Yup, you guessed it... the only real differences is these sims get to boink "on camera", as it were.

Ellen was always more interested in cheating up a Sim's account so she could spend days decorating enormous houses. While she did badger me to get the "uncensored sims" patch on, I can't help but think if the gizmos and decorations aren't up to snuff we'll probably end up passing on this one.

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2004
That's My Girl

Ellen is a literalist. If you say it, she tends to take it at face value. This is almost a prerequisite for someone who measures out drugs that go from cure to kill in 1 mil or less, but it tends to make discussing far fuzzier things like, say, politics, a bit of a challenge.

Not clear enough? This day-by-day cartoon should help.

Actual conversation around the time of the last presidential election:

Jeff (my brother): "I'm voting for Gore, but only because I think Bush is an idiot. Who are you voting for, Ellen?"

Ellen: "I'm voting for Nader. I think the issues he addresses are important to me, plus I think Gore is weird and Bush is stupid."

Jeff: "But if you vote for Nader, you'll be wasting your vote!"

Ellen: "No I won't. I'll be voting for Nader."

Jeff: "But Nader can't get elected! It's a wasted vote!"

Ellen: "It's not wasted. I show up, I color in the dots, I drop it in the box. No waste."

Jeff: "Bush and Gore are the only ones who have a chance! If you vote for Nader, it'll be like tossing your vote into the trash!"

Ellen: "How can it go into the trash if I put it in the box? Is that even legal?"

Jeff: "...!"

No folks, don't even try to explain it. She's smarter than three of you put together. It's just a very focused sort of smart. Which is fine by me. I mean, which type of person would you want working on your cat?

Posted by scott at 12:13 PM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2004
Now Why Didn't I Think of That

Techie is as techie does:

Tacking Jr. or II onto a boy's name is too common, a new father decided, so the self-described engineering geek took a software approach to naming his newborn son.

Jon Blake Cusack talked his wife, Jamie, into naming their son Jon Blake Cusack 2.0.

Considering the row that almost developed here over boy names, it's probably not worth the risk. But still...

Posted by scott at 09:31 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2004
Shh... Don't Tell Joshua

Say it ain't so Joe, say it ain't so!

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2004
Before/After

Nina gets a very pretty no-prize for bringing us this site full of before makeup/after makeup photos of celebrities. Some of them aren't quite as honest as they appear... a few shots are from movies an actor was simply made up in a different, less attractive way. Others are bang-on. I especially like the one of Howard Stern. He's so pretty. :)

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2004
Editor? We Don't Need No Steenking Editor!

Copy editing... it's not just a job, it's an adventure:

It is therefore only a matter of imagination in getting people to freely download what could be an extremely dangerous worm - like, for instance, the Doom worm currently reeking havoc across the globe. [emphasis added]

Gotta love that Microsoft thesaurus. Sometimes, automation just helps you screw up faster.

Predictably, not a single ass-monkey at FARK (where I found this) commented on the goof. Too busy getting into a browser holy war.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
When Motorists Attack

I used to think the DC area had the worst drivers in the world, but now I'm beginning to agree with Lair that it's Houston that should be wearing the crown. It's a train people. Not a dog, not a pothole, not a Mexican, but a great big horn-honking multi-ton mass of metal and plastic. Some especially tasty bon-mots:

[Phillip] Brown, who used the drive-through Tuesday afternoon at Whitney bank near Fannin and Southmore, said he's worked in the area for more than 20 years and isn't used to trains coming down the street. He was surprised there's no standard railroad-crossing gate at the bank's driveway onto Fannin, only a sign that lights up when a train approaches and two yellow lights that blink.

Lighted sign, blinking yellow lights, and a huge mass of train not enough for ya? Here's your sign.

Transit officials say nothing could have prevented Tuesday's crash. Not only did [driver] Quyen Lu ignore two "no left turn" signs, said Metro Police Chief Tom Lambert, he failed to yield while making the turn and drove straight into the train's path.

Obviously it's not just Congressmen who think rules are things that apply to other people.

[Donna] Bright said simply assuming all drivers will pay proper attention to the new transit mode is presumptuous.

I mean, why should anyone pay attention to something that could squash them flatter than Kate Hudson's chest? Don't make me pay attention! I'm trying to get somewhere!

I shoulda entered ATS's dead pool with a list that read "Houston Driver vs. Metro Train #1, Houston Driver vs. Metro Train #2..."

I don't know why I'm so surprised. My dad used to live in Houston, and he said simple rainstorms were terrifying, ice storms apocalyptic. SUVs and motorcycles in particular seem to regularly launch themselves from the city's 100-foot-high overpasses like shiny catapult stones. Lair often writes about walking to work, and sometimes I'm afraid he'll get splatted like a Monty Python Holy Grail extra by one of these oil-rich fundie retards trying to see if they can actually drive to heaven.

Duck Laurence! Duck!

Posted by scott at 12:30 PM eMail this entry!
Urban Football Legends

Now, I guess we're just not big enough pro football fans, because we hadn't heard any of these Super Bowl urban legeds. Of course, we're all about de-bunking, so we decided to link it up anyway. Maybe Jimspot has heard of one or two?

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2004
When the Food Court Posse Attacks

Take one stuck Geo Storm, add one very modest snow bank, a tow rope, and about a half dozen really stupid white boys and what do you get? Well, you get something like this.

Note: Video download, and a slow one at that, but well worth the wait.

I learned a long time ago how dangerous (to car and person) trying to tow a car with the wrong stuff can be. I didn't do quite the damage these morons did, but I defintely had my share of bent bumpers and torn bodywork.

You'd think one of them would've at least used a damned shovel.

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
Bad Wheels

Forbes has updated its list of bad cars, this time including foreign cars made after 1945. Some you would expect (Edsel, Pinto), but others are a little surprising (early Honda Accords, Pontiac Fiero).

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2004
Nerd Riot!

This PvP strip sort of says it all.

Ellen got to see RotK with friends on Saturday. She claims she never even looked at her watch once, a personal record for her. It's a good movie!

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
Red Planet Offensive

Site-essential brings us the real scoop on our Martian expidition:

THE US-LED INVASION of the Fourth Planet was intensified Saturday night, as a second front was opened on the Meridiani Planum.

The new operation, code-named "Opportunity," was designed to divide the Martian resistance by space-dropping a mechanized unit some 6,600 miles away from the original beachhead at Gusev Crater. According to US officials, the second landing has encountered "minimal resistance."

Extra-snarky comment from the yellow-dog peanut gallery in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
Body Flex charged with false claims

FTC files lawsuit against maker of weight-loss product.

Body Flex spent $22 million this year to air its infomercial more than 2,000 times, claiming its program, which involves a breathing regiment and exercises with a plastic bar and elastic band, will help users drop four to 14 inches across six body areas in a week. The company says the routine could be done sitting down in 18 to 20 minutes a day.

If people could lose weight just breathing, no one would get off the couch.

Read entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2004
So That's Where it All Comes From

Jeff gets a no-prize filled with headlight fluid for bringing us Kaleco Auto, your one-stop-shop for all those high-performance must have items like muffler bearings, hollow spark plug wires, and left-handed metric Crescent (adjustable) wrenches.

I mean, their budget lowering kit is worth the price of admission all on its own. What other automotive wonders might they have?

Posted by scott at 01:27 PM eMail this entry!
Dean-o-Rama

Fark brings us news that the same company making "Top Gun Bush" is now making Howlin' Howard Dean. Better watch out... my mom might start collecting these too!

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2004
Can You Say "Recidivism?"

Meet Henry Earl, a rather happy-go-lucky resident of Fayette county Kentucky. Now, we'd never heard of him before, but apparently he's something of an underground internet celebrity. Certainly he's quite famous around the Lexington area, if the comments on this story are to be believed.

Small-town law enforcement at its finest. Fark linked the first site up, and from the comments there apparently Mr. Earl gets himself arrested whenever he needs a place to stay. While saying he's got a problem with alcohol would probably be an epic understatement, when you figure up the time he spends in jail per year, he's actually sober most of the time.

Posted by scott at 09:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2004
Tacky? Us? Naawww...

For the "stylistically challenged" religious nut in your life, we're happy to present the Chia Christ.

Feh, we're going to Hell anyway. Might as well have some decoration.

Update: The rest of their stuff is just as good. Swear to, well, God, I think that's Ned Flanders behind the cash register.

Posted by scott at 02:01 PM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2004
When Drunks Attack

Ok, I'm sure there will be many disapproving noises coming from some of you out there, but I still think this "shockumentary" is easily one of the funniest things I've seen so far this year.

People who drank and went to college will have at least one story of this nature. Like, for instance, having a friend upchucking their bridgework into the toilet on a weekend before they are to appear in a wedding. People who don't drink have other stupid things in their past, like, I don't know, bouncing off curb guards going to the post office, the occasional Mann act violation, starting a phone romance with a radio DJ you think looks like Amy Grant but (you later find out) actually looks like Rosanne.

Me? Oh I'm the one who forgets to tighten lug nuts and drives down the street until a wheel falls off. I'm capable of anything.

Posted by scott at 02:40 PM eMail this entry!
Cash Register: 1 Crook: 0

This story, about a crook holding up an ice cream shop and not being able to open the register, reminded me very much of a story my dad used to tell when my parents owned a liquor store:

A friend had recently opened another store in a different part of town. My dad helped them close the place down one night, and noticed the owner locking the cash registers after he'd emptied them. "You really don't want to do that", he said.

"Why not?" the owner replied. "It's got a lock, I want to make sure everything's secure."

"Because crooks are morons, and they'll think there's something in them if they're locked. It's better to leave them with the empty drawers open. The thieves will just ignore them."

Apparently the store owner ignored the advice, and sure enough a few months later his store was broken into and two empty cash registers (costing thousands of dollars each) were destroyed by thieves smashing them to bits trying to get at what was inside.

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
Private Skippy

Jeff can enjoy his no-prize while he's on KP for bringing us news of another listing of "things Skippy is not allowed to do in the Army."

We've featured this before I believe, but I'll bet items have been added since. Jeff claims that some of these things applied to him when he was in the army. I wonder which ones they were...

Posted by scott at 11:54 AM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2004
If My Mom Owned a Farm

My mom is absolutely famous for buying Christmas presents months in advance, putting them "in a place I won't forget about", and not being able to find them in time for the holidays. It's not uncommon for presents to then trickle slowly in during March and April as spring cleaning reveals them.

However, even my mom can't top this one:

Dilubhai Rajput had stashed a bag of more than 1,700 small diamonds, worth almost $900, in a pile of hay at his home in Gujarat state [India], famous both for its dairy and diamond-cutting industries, but hadn't reckoned on the risk of a hungry cow

300 diamonds so far have been, er... "recovered".

Posted by scott at 12:33 PM eMail this entry!
January 16, 2004
Saddam the Outkast

Jennifer C. gets a green heart-shaped no-prize for bringing us this extremely silly Outkast song parody.

~ Hide it like a nuclear weapon! ~

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2004
Movie Physics

Joshua gets a magic-levitating no-prize for bringing us this entertaining look at movie physics. Not just Star Trek or other Sci-fi shows, but all movies. Some of it is snarky, but a lot of it is damned interesting, like why a shotgun blast won't knock you fifteen feet across a room, or why bullets shouldn't spark when they hit a wall. The reviews are pretty amusing too.

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
When Ricers Attack

Jeff gets a nitrous-injected no-prize for bringing this Honda S2000 thread to our attention.

Ok, for the non-gearheads in the crowd:

Hm... ok, if you don't know what NOS is, don't understand why it's a bad thing to inject a high-pressure gas into a crankcase, or don't know what a crankcase is, well, trust me, it's funny!

Posted by scott at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2004
Maybe This Will Get Ellen to Wash Her Car

Road Salt + Parked Car + Moose = Kissy-kissy.

Right now our Cruiser is so covered in the stuff it looks like the top of a Marguerita glass. Of course, it's supposed to snow another 3 inches tonight, so it'll just get coated some more. We counted 32 fender-benders and wrecks on the toll road last week, all because of a sudden 3.5 inch snowfall. Gotta love this place.

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
When Junk Mail Attacks

The reach of junk mail amazes me sometimes. Salam Pax is now being recruited as a Republican presidential candidate. I wonder how he got on that mailing list?

Posted by scott at 09:50 AM eMail this entry!
Tasteless is...

Jeff gets a no-prize with a coon hound sitting under it for bringing us pictures of "redneck" recreation equipment.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2004
Frikken' Lasers

What do you get when you combine free time and scientists? Well, the Cheese Laser is probably one of the things. Took a couple of tries to get one working that didn't melt/burn/fry the cheese. I guess you gotta cut it somehow.

Kris gets a no-prize made from gorganzola for bringing this... interesting... application of science and technology to our attention.

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2004
But What About the Cruising Speed of an Unladen Swallow?

Silflay points out, in no uncertain terms, that there's no such thing as a robin rare enough to worry about a cat eating.

Posted by scott at 12:11 PM eMail this entry!
January 07, 2004
I Can Smell Your Brains

Joshua gets a very catty No-prize for bringing us this.

Don't forget the sequel.

Posted by Ellen at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2004
~ S is for Sheeple, That's Good Enough for Me ~

Dammit, Bigwig over at Silflay beat me to tracking the Titanic's band's latest tune. That being, of course, "well, the only thing we can figure is everyone else is just so f-ing stupid!"

One side claiming democracy is failing because the other side keeps not voting for them is a 221 year old staple of the American method of government. It's good to see people haven't changed a damned bit in all that time.

Posted by scott at 08:38 PM eMail this entry!
BOTMC, meet GOTMC

Tired of trying to figure out just which god is right for you? The God of the Month Club is for you! I wonder what their purchase obligation is?

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2004
Gallows Humor

Ok. I like black humor, in case you haven't noticed. It's gotten me in trouble before. So...

If you didn't think "Pulp Fiction" was funny, or if you thought Sweeney Todd was simply too grisley to be made fun of, I just want you to stop right now and think about, oh, I dunno, this.

Ok, now that the morality police have gone, everyone else should enjoy Dignity, Atonement, and "Bernie", which is a war story easily on par with my grandad's stories of a live shell landing in the back of his jeep or "dead Fritz" the bridge guard. The "DEAD HAJI STORAGE" sequence is easily worth the price of admission.

Yes, I know. I'm an evil, heartless, vile, and brutish American for thinking it's even vaguely amusing. By highlighting such cruel indignity I only prove our nation has no business being the lone superpower.

Hell, I'll even feel guilty for you. No, really!

As long as you didn't mind me giggling while I do so.

Posted by scott at 09:47 PM eMail this entry!
Praise the Lord and Pass GTA III

Landover Baptist hits another one out of the park with their latest salvation offer... find Jesus and get a free PlayStation 2!

The great thing about LBC is you're just not quite sure if it's a joke or not. It took Joshua explaining it to me twice, and I'm still not sure I believe him. He tends to talk me into stuff ocassionally you know.

Posted by scott at 04:40 PM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2004
Well, He's Got as Good a Chance as the Rest

This is just to make sure the yellow-dog peanut gallery is still paying attention. They've been awful quiet lately... too quiet.

T.B.! T.B.! He's Our Man! If He Can't Do It No One Can!

A guy who's as charming as Bill but who can keep his hands off the help. What's not to love?

Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2004
Just Add... Ummm... Well...

First ghosts in jars, now dehydrated water. My mom's the shopaholic's shopaholic, but I think even she will pass on this one.

Posted by scott at 04:47 PM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2003
And You People Think I'm Extreme

Ok, the yellow-dog peanut gallery should take note, there's lots more room to the right of my chair thank you very much:

Hark! the Herald Leader sings,
"Glory to the new found Dean,
peace on earth, and mercy mild,
God and commies reconciled!"
Joyful, Euro nations rise,
join the whining of his cries;
which Elf/Fina notes proclaim
"Chirac was bought out by Hussein!"
Hark! the Herald Leader sings,
"Glory to the new found Dean!"

Now, take two P.J. O'Rourke columns and call me in the morning...

Posted by scott at 08:28 PM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2003
Now Why Didn't We Think of That?!?

Terrorists shmerrorists... some people know the real reasons behind the latest "orange" alert:

Was the timing of Code Orange and activation of HAARP genuinely a result of concern from possible terrorist attack, or were these events timed to prevent another contingency altogether? More specifically, were the Code Orange alert and HAARP activation timed to prevent a mass First Contact event by extraterrestrial races responding to a grass roots initiative for extraterrestrials to 'Show Up'?

Via Site-Essential

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2003
Bad Santa! No Biscuit!

In yet another story in the "turned-to-crime-because-I'm-too-stupid-for-anything-else" file, we have a brand-new chimney climber:

A Minneapolis man's imitation of old St. Nick on Christmas Eve brought cheer only to police and fire rescuers, who had to stifle chuckles while rescuing him from the narrow chimney of a bookstore in the city's Phillips neighborhood.
...
A police officer and [store employee Don] Blyly climbed a ladder to the roof and found bricks knocked away from two chimneys. They peered down into the second damaged chimney space, about 12 inches square, and saw a man.

"The cop yelled down, 'What are you doing down there?' " Blyly recalled. "And the guy said, 'I dropped my keys and I'm looking for them.' "

Pretty much says it all.

Posted by scott at 10:54 AM eMail this entry!
December 24, 2003
Just Be Glad They Only Do Cars

What would the world look like if ricers "branched out" into other lines of work? Well, maybe a little something like this.

Posted by scott at 08:00 AM eMail this entry!
Interior Decorating, for the Rest of Us

We're rapidly approaching the point where you can get a book published about pretty much anything. Witness Obscene Interiors, an upcoming critique of the interior decorating practices of amateur pornographers. The thing is, it's pretty damned funny.

Note: In spite of the title, the site is safe for work.

Posted by scott at 07:57 AM eMail this entry!
December 23, 2003
Prop Lobster

Pat gets a beeping no-prize for bringing the most interesting Star-Wars related auction I've seen to date:

This auction is for a "Don Post Studios Deluxe R2D2 Replica", one of only 300 Lucasfilm licensed, full sized, highly detailed reproductions of R2-D2 from the original Star Wars trilogy ("A New Hope", "The Empire Strikes Back" and "The Return of the Jedi"). These units originally retailed for around $7000. I have decided to sell R2 because I want to focus my Star Wars collection on vintage toys.

Non-expiring photos can be found here.

Good thing Richie doesn't have a house. He might sell it to get this.

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2003
Brotha Squirrel

Dark, sinister messengers from an alternate dimension, or merely variants on the common fuzzy tailed rat? What are these so-called "black squirrels"? You decide

Posted by scott at 04:30 PM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2003
Anti-Gifts

Also from the Post, this entertaining look at some of the more... unusual gifts available this season. We especially like the Quesadilla Maker (but do not want one!)

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
December 19, 2003
SUV... It's What's For Dinner

Me, I think people can drive whatever they can afford, more power to 'em. But boy, the guys at FUH2 sure do have a problem with the ol' Hummer 2. Aside from the "tahoe with a fancy body" angle, I could care less. But I think it's funny people would go to this length.

Posted by scott at 05:34 PM eMail this entry!
December 18, 2003
Imagine Instead Your Popularity
Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2003
Stunned I Tell You, Just Stunned

Instapundit linked up this nifty send up of lefty attitudes about, along with advice as to how to cope with, Saddam's capture:

I am stunned with admiration at the mental agility of the anti-war lobby. Having spent months taunting George W Bush and Tony Blair for their failure to capture Saddam Hussein, and thus accomplish one of the most fundamental aims of the "illegal war" in Iraq, it was able to recover its composure almost instantaneously when the worst happened.

Can't say as I've heard the exact words come out of my anti-war friends, but I have a feeling they've heard similar from their friends. I imagine the recovery was just as immediate, and unremarked apon.

Posted by scott at 08:56 PM eMail this entry!
Well, What Would You Pick?

And the winner of "least threatening High School Mascot" award goes to... Blooming Prairie High School in Minnesota. Our mascot was a bobcat. Sad thing is, this muscular flower could've probably whupped our bobcat butts.

Posted by Ellen at 10:59 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2003
In Other News...

Sometimes he misses, but sometimes he hits:

Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today said the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein "lacks legitimacy because it was a unilateral effort by American forces."

Note: humor-impaired partisans in the yellow-dog peanut gallery won't find this funny at all. Which is of course good for a second laugh. Refried satire, as it were.

Of course, the left is already bubbling about "coincidental timing" and the dark mechanations of the Bush administration. As always, they get to have it both ways by hating him for also being "an idiot."

Posted by scott at 10:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2003
Potty Light

Every man out there should get one of these.

Posted by Ellen at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2003
Real Men of Genius

Yeah, the beer stinks, but you gotta love those ads. These are the radio ads, much funnier than the trunkated goofy stuff they're running on the TV. "Hop Hop Hop."

Posted by scott at 10:40 AM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2003
Zoom!

Swear to god, if it's mechanical and can be painted red, an Italian will race it:

Michael Schumacher won a record sixth Formula One title last season but he has met his match in a series of exhibition races against a Eurofighter jet.

Yeah, I know, Schumi's not Italian. But everyone else involved was. Still, why not?

Posted by scott at 02:49 PM eMail this entry!
December 10, 2003
Ok, Now I've Really Seen Everything

What do you get when you combine sci-fi, religion, and a great big steaming pile of free time? How about a Klingon translation of "Jesus Loves Me"? You have to scroll down a bit to see it.

Ker-Plach!

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
December 08, 2003
Of Course, You're Not Supposed to Pay Attention to Reviews

Bad-candy.com, your one-stop-shop for reviews of the weirdest candy-like substances on the planet. Ever wonder what the stuff in the corners of the "international foods" aisle tasted like? Now you can find out!

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2003
Gena- what?

Scott almost always sends me his essays and other stuff to take a look to see what I think of his writing before it ends up on AMCGltd.

So tonight this is what I get via Instant Message:

Scott: genetalia

Genetalia? What the hell? Now what kind of PrOn is he looking at?
Scott: gah
Scott: dammit
Scott: URL to the bit just below
Scott: ha! I was trying to spell check that word.. how's that for an opening?

So there I was, first thing looking for in that essay was Genetalia.

Scott: *smiley face* LOL

And you thought his writing was weird.

Posted by Ellen at 07:53 PM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2003
The Business Calendar We All Want

Office drones around the world rejoice! Despair, Inc.'s new calendar is out!

I just love this one.

Posted by scott at 10:31 AM eMail this entry!
Ice Ice Baby 2.0

Everyone wonders what this year's "killer gift" will be. As a network admin, I have to wonder what this year's network-clogging "killer download" will be. Well, thanks to the folks at FARK, I have advanced word on it. Yup, Elf Bowling, 2.0. Lovely...

Posted by scott at 10:18 AM eMail this entry!
I got Everything, Thanks, Don't Need That

Ok, just want everyone to be on notice that I will be looking over all my gift certificates very carefully ineed this year. Of course, if people keep asking, "when's your next baby?" while this one's still in diapers, I may get one for myself.

Posted by scott at 10:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2003
Bah. I Need My Walker. You Do Too.

While this effort by a girl scout troop to make a video to help keep kids safe is commendable indeed, I laughed out loud at this one:

Youngsters are advised in the video to give police accurate descriptions of people, such as whether someone is old, like Britney Spears, or even older, like your grandmother.

I'll bash 'em with my cane, I will!

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2003
Welcome to Dumbass-ia, Hope You Enjoy Your Stay

We have in our posession what must be one of the very few not-quite-Darwin Award candidates to be caught on tape. "Truck surfing" indeed. The sad thing is, he doesn't even look stoned or drunk. Just imaginatively stupid.

Update: That link no workee no more. Thanks to Joshua, we have this Consumption Junction link to the same video. Note: from that link, video is safe for work, but is surrounded by pwerno ads, most definitely not safe for work.

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
Doggie Doors

Problem: Some dipwad keeps putting a dog in your car as a practical joke.

Redneck Solution: Set up a video camera to catch the perp in the act, with a Surprising and Amusing Result tm

Alternative Solution: Lock the doors.

But what the hell do I know?

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2003
If the Shoe Fits, Pt. II

So, even though Ellen's stepdad may be, well, a bit of a yankee-fied redneck, it certainly doesn't mean the rest of the family is now, does it? I mean, we can't possibly equate the gun-totin', tobacco-chewin', hound-lovin', truck-drivin' culture that I grew up in with the sophisticated, cosmopolitan, refined, civilized culture in which Ellen was raised, can we? Certainly other people who help administer this website would agree!

If it pleases the court the prosecution will introduce two new pieces of evidence, to be labled A and B. These being photographs of the solution one Suzanne Carozza Hichak, grandmother of Olivia Rachel Johnson and mother of Ellen Carozza Johnson, created when it was discovered the younger Ms. Johnson's bottom tended to slide out of the newly purchased, highly attractive, deeply discounted, but definitely not purpose-built high chair provided for dinnertime participation:

I mean, just how much more Foxworthy does it have to be?

"If you have to strap your grandaughter into her highchair with the belt from your own pants..."

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2003
But is It Art?

You knew it was bound to happen someday. Yes, Virginia, you too can create pornographic origami. Folded paper never looked so... odd.

It's pornographic origami. You decide if it's safe for work.

Posted by scott at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2003
Bejesus! Bejesus! I Love This Word!

Most everyone has heard the term "bejesus", as in "you just scared the bejesus outta me!" Yeah, I know, it's probably new to you, but that's because you don't get out much. Anyway, ever wonder what that word actually meant? Well, ok, I don't care if you've never wondered, because you're going to go visit Bejesus Quarterly anyway, if nothing else for the definitions:

Bejesus - (n) A substance found in the human body that determines how close one is to becoming Jesus.

I wonder what the die-hard aethiest section of the peanut gallery will think when they find they "got Jesus" after all!

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
A Bass for the Rest of Us

Also from the "got-anything-better-to-do?" crowd, we have the ultimate in talking bass peripherials. He sings! He dances! He videoconferences! Billy will never be the same again...

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2003
Pear pimples for hairy fishnuts

To promote the none-too-soon premiere of Berke Breathed's new cartoon strip, Opus is making the rounds, right now interviewing with MSNBC.

Posted by scott at 11:57 AM eMail this entry!
Bag Ladies

Proof positive women keep the weirdest crap in their bags. Ellen tends to go through stages... bags get larger and larger until they're the size of a backpack, then suddenly the whole thing will implode under its own weird "chick stuff" gravity and she'll carry around a very tiny handbag. "It's so liberating!" will be heard many times that week. The bag will then of course slowly expand, usually over the course of a year or two, only to collapse again. It's a universe, in a handbag.

After the baby something happened to handbag physics, allowing expansion even beyond a single huge purse. At her peak, there were four bags and two water bottles loaded and unloaded from our car every single day. She looked like a sherpa going down the stairs every morning.

The collapse has ocurred, but is slower than previous encarnations. We're down to one very large bag that weighs ~ 25 lbs (11.3 kilos, I think ~ 1 stone). If this one collapses its mass is such it may take the house with it.

What's in your bag?

Posted by scott at 09:48 AM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2003
The Ultimate Simulation
Posted by scott at 03:58 PM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2003
Well, Good to Know It's Worth Something

Just how much is your soul worth?

23,493 British pounds. That's, what, something like $35,000 US? Yeah, I know, I'm too lazy to use a currency converter right now. 41% of you appear to be "more pure" than me. You sick bastards.

Posted by scott at 05:04 PM eMail this entry!
Well, It's not Like I Don't Have Enough Bad Karma

Lord and savior seeks companion for fruitful relationship. Don't forget to take the compatability quiz. What I want to know is how well Meryl does. Oh, the irony...

I kid! I kid!

Posted by scott at 04:52 PM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2003
Rafting

Why rafting is dangerous.

Posted by Ellen at 07:33 PM eMail this entry!
The End of the World!

Nina gets a nuclear-tipped no-prize for bringing us this profound description of what Armageddon will be like.

Me, I'm with Austrailia... WTF?

Note: Flash animation, has some swearing. Use headphones or wait until you get home if your boss might object to this sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 11:54 AM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2003
If the Shoe Fits...

Ya know, my wife gives me hell all the time about being a redneck and living in trailers and marrying cousins. My sister-in-law still cracks jokes about eating squirrels and possums. While I've never done any of those things and don't consider myself much of a redneck, I'd like to point out the dad who strapped a dead deer to his Hundai and drove through the neighborhood with it is not in fact my dad. Look to the right of the vicious attack dog and you'll see those are New York plates.

Now, let's think... which side of this family lives in New York again?

Warning: Involves graphic picture of a very ex-deer. Don't look if that sort of thing bothers you.

Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2003
Engineer, Know Thyself

The Ultimate Guide to Engineers:

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

No, I'm not an engineer, but I know several. Some of their habits rub off on you.

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2003
Video Fashion

Joshua finally managed to hunt down one of the people with video cameras and posted this video of your AMCGltd heroes in their fashion debut, as previously described in Costume Drama. No closeups, so it's a bit hard to recognize faces, but you'll be able to spot me by how stiff I am. And not in the good way. We're the 2nd couple out.

Note: free login required to view the vid.

Posted by scott at 03:51 PM eMail this entry!
Religion, for the Rest of Us

"AMCGltd," we hear you ask, "I'm so tired of my bleak, materialistic existence. Hanging out at the mall with my friends just doesn't have the snap it used to. Cults sound easy and entertaining, but I think purple shrouds and white tennis shoes are so 1997. I tried church, but organized religion is really hard! Is there anything you can do to help?"

Fear not, gentle reader! AMCGltd is here to help! With Plug-n'-Pray religion kits, you can go from reject to rabbi simply by dropping a disk into your computer! Don't want to be accused of participating in the Great Global Conspiracy? No problem! Kits exist for Christian, Muslim, even Hindu and Buddhist!

"But what about me? My parents picked my religion! Is there anything Plug-n-Pray can do?"

Glad you asked! With Plug-n'-Pray's E-Z Switch technology, even the most endoctrinated religious fanatic can easily transform themselves into a different endoctrinated religious fanatic! With new patented SMS-MSS technology, switching can even be done with a compatible cell phone!

So don't delay, act now! The next soul you save could be your own!

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2003
Beggin' Strips

I've always wondered if these tasted like real bacon.

Beggin' Strips slogan is "Dog's don't know it's not bacon!" Newsflash: Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like bacon or not.

This is laugh out loud funny. You have to read it!

Posted by Ellen at 03:42 PM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2003
Bad Toilet! No Biscuit!

When good toilets go bad, your one-stop-shop for all weird & wonderful toilet-related stories. It has pictures, but I'm afraid to look at them. You do it.

Posted by Ellen at 10:50 AM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2003
Ferret Costume

I'm a bee! No wait!, I'm a ferret!

Posted by Ellen at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2003
Cyber Sex Gone Wrong

This stuff is laugh out loud funny!

I can remember when Scott and I would troll for weirdos on the net and wind up doing this to them!

Posted by Ellen at 06:38 PM eMail this entry!
Insert Ford Joke Here

Piston engines always fail in spectacular ways, but I can honestly say I've never seen one simply split in two. That's right folks, those aren't cylinder heads you're looking at, that's the block. Amazingly, according to the owner, all the spinning bits of the engine were completely undamaged.

Posted by scott at 12:40 PM eMail this entry!
Well, You Know We're Gonna Link This

The name says it all... 100 worst porn movie titles. I defy you to read them and not laugh out loud at some point. "PRIME CUTS - YO QUIERO TACO SMELL" did it for me, but " BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA" came awfully close.

Warning: Lots of profanity, and some silly but explicit cartoon drawings (not gross). If that stuff'll get you in trouble, wait until you're home to look.

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
November 06, 2003
Future Is...

The funniest part of this satirical announcement of TiVo's new "future view" technology, which "adds the ability to fast-forward through the television program you are watching, before the show has even aired", will be missed by anyone who doesn't actually own one. I've had to explain to four different people in the past three months that no, you can't actually do this.

Posted by scott at 03:32 PM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2003
More Stuff to Look Forward To

IusedToBelieve.com, your one-stop-shop for all the completely bizzare things the partially wired brain of a small (and not-so-small) child latches onto. Funny stuff.

I can't remember much about things I used to believe that were silly. I do recall being shocked one day (at the age of about 5) finding out the sun didn't go around the earth. It was on a kid's show about learning Spanish on PBS, of all things.

Maybe I was just too experimental as a kid to believe the really weird stuff. Or I just don't remember. Somehow I think my mom, who can't remember where she hides Christmas presents from year to year, will have lots to say about this subject...

Posted by scott at 11:15 AM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2003
They Really Do Exist

Proof that no car is safe from ricers, we have our very first bowl of Rissotto. Check out that wing, must add 30 mph to the top end! I'd've already AIM'd Damion about this, but he isn't on yet.

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2003
A Very Creepy Christmas

Fark linked up this twisted CD of ancient carols. We're talking H.P. Lovecraft ancient here. With titles like The Great Old Ones are Coming to Town and Do You Fear What I Fear?, it'll be a great stocking stuffer for the horror fan or teenager-out-to-freak-the-parents in your life.

Since we have both among our family & friends, we may order 3!

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
"Food" for Thought?

Joshua gets a ... hmm... well, lets just say he gets a no-prize for bringing this extremely interesting study to our attention:

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

Ok, now go back and look at the URL.

Gotcha!

Posted by scott at 01:06 PM eMail this entry!
Beer Bungle

Just to prove the US isn't the only country with wacky lawsuits, we have this case of beer bottle injury from Australia:

An Australian judge has thrown out a lawsuit by a man who claimed he suffered a permanent wrist injury when struggling to open a beer bottle.

Of course, in Australia it got dismissed. In the US, it'd probably net him a million dollars. Gotta love this country...

Posted by scott at 01:04 PM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2003
Playing with Dolls

Joshua gets a really short no-prize for bringing TalkingPresident.com's product line to our attention. Yeah, takes most of its potshots at the right, but I get the feeling that's because the right's in charge right now (ha!) Note the Clinton "action figure" is well represented with some very choice quotes.

Of course, mom will only think the Bush doll is funny.

I know someone who's going to get their favorite right wing nutball blonde chick for Christmas!!!

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2003
Damned JOOOOOS!!!

Similar in theme to "The Stand", but much funnier, we have JOOOS!:

You probably are wondering why the Jews get blamed for everything and not someone else like the Polynesians. Well, it's because "Jews" is easy and fun to yell. Try it right now. Just shake your fist in the air and shout, "JEWS!" Isn't that fun.
...
I've also heard that the Jews killed Jesus (actually, there's a whole film produced by Mel Gibson coming out about the crucifixion of which the working title is Look What Those Pesky Jews Did!). It seems strange to get angry about that, though, since Jesus came back to life a few days later; no harm, no foul. But did you know that Jesus was Jewish? Maybe Christianity is some big Jewish conspiracy. Ever get annoyed about having to get up early on a Sunday to go to church? Well, it's because of the...

JOOOOOS!

I wonder if he'll get e-mail critiques of his history and accusations of being "biased" like I did...

Via Yourish.

Posted by scott at 03:45 PM eMail this entry!
Madness in Plastic

I'm actually surprised it took this long for someone to come up with a Lego Cthulu.

"How odd it looks!" said Miss Kitty Fluffington. "Very non- Euclidian."

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2003
~ Spank/My Booty/C'mon and Spank My Booty ~

Joshua gets a spank-er-iffic no-prize for bringing the ultimate in political punishment for everyone's favorite shrub to our attention. Maru, mom, & Jeff will probably wear the mouse out on this one.

Posted by scott at 03:27 PM eMail this entry!
Squish

My brother loves his Trans Am, claims it'll do just about anything. However, I now have proof positive that, while fast, Trans Ams make for crappy dump trucks.

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2003
Scrappleface Bullseye

Mr. Ott hits another target with this latest dispatch on Mr. Clark's new economic plan:

The vast majority of those polled agreed that Clark's proposed repeal of the Bush tax cuts for families earning more than $200,000 annually is almost guaranteed to spark a boom in consumer spending that would create more jobs.

Of course, the people who are a target of satire almost never get it, so at best there's probably a lot of blank stares from the yellow-dog section of the peanut gallery.

Read the whole thing, then come back and call me a Nazi. :)

Posted by scott at 11:40 AM eMail this entry!
And I thought My Hotrod Friends Were Extreme

Hot rod maniacs don't just exist on the eastern seaboard... Lair shows us exactly what happens when you combine mechanical skill, too much free time, and a barstool. I bet it gets real exciting when the nitrous button is pushed!

Posted by scott at 09:46 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2003
Paintball Wizard

Nina gets a paintball gun no-prize for bringing this video of a preteen dumbass to our attention.

Normally I'd feel bad for the kid, but he's so obnoxious.

Posted by scott at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2003
"Costume Drama" Pic... Sort of...

Well, everyone wants to see pics of the events surrounding "Costume Drama". Well, we can't do that just yet because Joshua hasn't tracked down the guy's with the cameras. All in good time. What we can provide is a picture that deftly represents the spirit of the evening, back in the dressing room before the action started:

(I'm the one on the far right. You get to guess about the other two.)

Hopefully this will still be funny after I've had a nap.

Pic shamelessly stolen from Maru, lord knows where she got it. Or the utterly outrageous pic she has up right now. Geeze...

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2003
Rice & Beans

Into our growing collection of stupid car sites, we add MolestedCars.com. A great place to find even more examples of unpresuming and innocent sedans, trucks, and econoboxes victimized by their "ownerZ".

Posted by scott at 07:35 AM eMail this entry!
Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Fark linked up this story about what, exactly, a group of 10 to 13-year-olds think of "classic" video games like Pong, Donky Kong, and Space Invaders. Some choice comments:

"It takes this whole console just to do Pong?"

[On Donky Kong]: "It looks like a Mario that got run over by a car."

[On Coleco Hand-Held Football:] Brian: What's this supposed to be?

Interviewer: Football. It's one of the first great portable games.

Brian: I thought it was Run Away From the Dots.

Being a girl, it's possible Olivia will think video games are lame and not mess with them at all. This will spare me the indignity of getting waxed on a console by my own 12-year-old. My brother, on the other hand, is not so lucky. I am counting the days until my nephew hands him his head in, say, Virtua Fighter XIV.

Posted by scott at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2003
I Blame Yoko Ono

After some 2000 years, you knew it couldn't last:

The long-rumored break-up of The Holy Trinity became fact yesterday, when The Holy Spirit held a press conference to announce his departure from the group. The other members of The Holy Trinity were not immediately available for comment. The break-up rocked the theological community, casting doubt on the belief that the Holy Trinity was not really a trio, but rather one God revealing himself in three ways.

Not mentioned, but certainly a factor, was Microsoft's buyout of the Catholic church, completed a few years ago. Going corporate always causes artists trouble.

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2003
Let's See... if She Weighs More Than a Duck...

Like my kid needed any help, now they seem to have "spellcasting" Barbies. Auction link, so view it while you can.

How this managed to get in under the fundie's radar I'll never know. They should make a case study out of it... "producing cool toys without attracting the attention of the wackamole fringe."

Posted by scott at 08:21 AM eMail this entry!
October 10, 2003
A Harness, for the Rest of Us

The web site says it all:

Fed up with seeing and hearing the secular world around you? Distracted by attractive young people in temptingly tight clothes? Despairing at the sinful nature of co-workers? Horrified at the anti-christian teaching of evolution and critical thinking?

Worry no more! The Bible Harness is now available.

I should make Ellen post these. I have enough bad karma as it is...

Posted by scott at 11:58 AM eMail this entry!
Amazingly, Scale Modeling isn't on the List

Ok, confession time... just how many geeky hobbies have you participated in?. Not surprisingly, I've actually messed with most of them at one point or another. Of course, I got better...

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2003
Resume Ridicule

Been around awhile, but I thought it was amusing:

You only thought your resume was bad. Take a look at these 26 actual resume lines, wherein you find gems like:

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2003
Flour or Flower?

This was sent to me by a friend.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bob and his wife Joan listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Bob's life of celibacy.

Posted by Ellen at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
Cheech & Chong, Roasted

Cheech: "Dude," *cough* *cough* "you really, like, need to do something about all this smoke, I could totally smell it comin down da hallway to your apartment."

Chong: "No problem man... I'll just use this air freshener I got at the gas station."

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2003
Crossination!!!

Trogdor as a cross stitch. *Burninating the peasants!*

Posted by Ellen at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2003
Mom Always Told Me to Dust More Often

Always read the comments. While reading slashdot's take on the "home-built mortar" story we linked up last week (HA!), I found this old, but good, story about a discovery almost exactly one year ago in the Chicago Field Museum's collections:

A Museum in Chicago has found some of its antique firearms were loaded and could have gone off at any time.

This sort of thing actually happens a lot more often than you'd think. Two incidents from air museums: Some time in the early 90s janitors were surprised at the smell of kerosene while cleaning one of the Air Force Museum's displays. Jet fuel was pouring from the B-58 Hustler. Turned out the thing had been parked in the museum building about 1/2 full of gas. Nobody'd ever bothered to check, until finally one of the tanks corroded through.

While pulling out the pieces of an FW-190 (German WWII figher plane) from storage for restoration in the mid 80s, the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum staff heard a strange sloshing coming from the fuselage. On opening up the gas cap, they found the tank to be about 1/5th full. Turned out to be a valuable find, because this was a late-war aircraft that was using some weird coal-derived fuel because the Nazi's couldn't refine avgas. Nobody'd actually seen an example of the stuff until that point. The plane had been disassembled in one of their storage hangers for more than thirty years.

Posted by scott at 09:27 PM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2003
With Friends Like These...

I'm not sure what the heck ringo.com is, but their ad is pretty damned clever. For some reason this reminds me of college... wonder why...

Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
Yellow-Dog Psalm

For all the anti-bushies out there, you know who you are, we have Psalm 20:03. I think even Reverend Heathen would use this one...

Posted by scott at 12:20 PM eMail this entry!
October 01, 2003
Mom's Gonna Love This One

A silly little flash song for Mom, Joshua, Jeff, Maru, etc.: G.W. Bush says, "Whatever"

Posted by scott at 12:20 PM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2003
Stupid Is... Media Style

Jeff gets a no-prize phoned to him by bringing what can only charitably be called a "row" between CNN and Fox news to our attention. More like playground justice. Remember folks, these are the guardians of truth and justice in our country, the arbiters of success in Iraq, and all that stand between you and the tyranny of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy tm.

Lair would not be surprised. But then, neither am I.

Posted by scott at 12:47 PM eMail this entry!
Customers Suck!

I always try to be at least patient with the person behind the counter, because I used to be that person oh so long ago. That's why CustomersSuck.com is such a hoot... this is what you look like to the person running the register!

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2003
Housecleaning 101

While this guide to housecleaning is supposed to be "for men", some of it describes our household as a whole, like:

Dishes

Your second option is to put soap in the dishwasher and turn it on. It may take longer than doing it by hand, but you get much more accomplished and have a galley of clean dishes. Go ahead and leave them in there. Putting them away makes no sense when trying to save valuable television time. [We're actually a lot better about this now, but Ellen still tends to live out of the laundry basket, for the same reasons. --S]

Laundry

Don't worry about separating colors and whites. Just turn the machine to cold and you can wash whatever is dirty.

TIP - Need to get rid of wrinkles? Your dryer also doubles as an iron!

Toilet

The toilet paper roll is merely a suggestion. The bathroom counter or the toilet tank work as a quicker solution to storage of this valuable commodity

Ah, what a world...

Posted by scott at 02:31 PM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2003
And We Thought the Japanese Were Weird

Ah merry olde England, land of rolling fields, quiet towns, ancient monuments, and people boinking in public parks:

Voyeurs and exhibitionists drawn to outdoor fun have discovered erotic pleasures in normally placid English parks that have nothing to do with walking the dog.
Posted by scott at 05:01 PM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2003
Interviewme This

Better late than never... Crazy Aunt Maru gets a ... breezy... no-prize for sending us this Washington Life interview of Lloyd Grove, which has some hidden gems. Not the least:

Lloyd Grove: Well, let me tell you about something The Washington Post wouldn't let me print. About halfway through the general election campaign of 2000, I got word or shall I say, got wind of the fact that George W. Bush thought it was funny to punctuate a joke by breaking wind in groups of people. I first heard a story that during the campaign he called a new desk aide of Karl Rove's into his office to give him an "Austin Welcome".

Washington Life: Oh, you're kidding.

LG: And this story got some circulation. It finally got to the point where Ari Fleischer was calling to deny it up and down, after some rather non-denial denials from the principal himself. And then later on, he was doing an interview on the plane with a news-magazine reporter where he ended up adjusting the air nozzle on the plane. He said he had just broken wind and that part is off the record. That never made print. But later on, UPI reported that during one of those secret energy meetings that Cheney hosted, Bush joked that perhaps his own natural gas was meant to be harnessed to solve the energy problem.

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2003
A Star Wars Triumph

Apparently this video of Triumph "the insult dog" goofing on a bunch of Star Wars geeks has made the rounds a few times, but it's the first time I'd seen it. Amazingly primitive rubber dog puppet riffing on amazingly nerdy Star Wars fans is just inexplicably funny. I defy you not to laugh!

I wonder if Richie was out there...

Posted by scott at 01:40 PM eMail this entry!
Ultimate Security

Greeblie et. al. will probably get a kick out of the ultimate in computer theft deterrance. You know, since concrete is non-conductive, I bet with only a little more effort you could actually get the system to work after this.

If Damion made a case like this we wouldn't be able to make fun of his wimpy swoopy Mac anymore, that's for sure.

Posted by scott at 10:26 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2003
Cat Cat Bowling!

Trust me, as with all things cat, cat bowling is far superior to Elf bowling.

It's funny. Laugh!

Via ATS.

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
First a Battlestar, Now This

The Toilet Seat Galactika, when a nightlight just isn't enough!

Well, now we know what to get K&D for Christmas...

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
September 20, 2003
The Most Un-Amazing Magic Trick in the World

It's amazing! Unbelievable! See if your card disappears!

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
Prevent Mind Control In Cats!

Tired of those pesky aliens trying to manipulate your cat into doing things it's not supposed to?
For example:

  • Crapping on the carpet
  • Peeing on the walls
  • Continuing to scratch furniture even when told, NO!
  • Stealing your stash of M&M's only to scatter them across the floor to play with them

Fear not! Now you can get something to protect puss from MiNd cOnTrOl!

We here at AMCG fully endorse this product. Not only do we back up a product like this, we firmly believe all cat households should have one.

Posted by Ellen at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2003
When Journalists Attack

I've always said the point when there isn't any more news can be spotted when the reporters start interviewing each other. I never even considered dumping them in 110-mph wind tunnels.

I'm genuinely sad that people got killed in this storm. Especially since they were the wrong ones.

Oh, the karma...

Posted by scott at 10:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2003
WARNING: Satellite <> Rubber Ball

The funniest thing about this "anomoly report" of an accident that resulted in catastrophic damage to a weather satellite before it even left the lab is the official language. A more proper example of cover-thine-ass beaurocratese I have not seen.

Satellites do a lot of things really well. Bouncing isn't one of them.

Reminds me of another incident I remember from AvWeek, probably a year ago. Someone forgot to un-bolt the cover used to protect the cargo (nose) section of a Delta V (I think) rocket that was already bolted to the launch pad. When the crane try to pull it off, the entire rocket came unstrung. The description sounded very much like what happens when you pull straight up on a "bendy" straw. Well, a "bendy" straw that cost ~ 40 million bucks.

Posted by scott at 12:21 PM eMail this entry!
Oh, the Flashbacks...

This guy's "typical" class at Brandeis sounds a lot like the typical stadium-stlye classes I took in college. The cute girl reactions were even the same. Yup Nina, you got a lot to look forward to.

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
Bumper Stickers You'd Like to See

A good friend sent this to me via email. Enjoy!

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you..
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!

1. Welcome to America...now speak English

Posted by Ellen at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2003
The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer

Now we know what to get our friends! You know who you are!

I was wondering though, doesn't this remind you of a Playdough Toy?!?

Posted by Ellen at 06:43 PM eMail this entry!
Violent, Yet Strangely Satisfying

Yet another simple flash game to take your mind off work: Osama's Liquor Store. It's the sound effects that do it for me... nothing quite as satisfying as popping a cap in an ass that needs it.

Via Greeblie.

Posted by scott at 01:09 PM eMail this entry!
September 16, 2003
I Gotta Get Me One of These

Need a warp drive? Of course you do! This is much better than that goofy rocket Damion keeps wanting to mount on his Civic.

Great. Just what the world needs. A faster-than-light Honda. Jeff (my big-V8-lovin' brother) will be pissed.

Via Jody.

Posted by scott at 02:30 PM eMail this entry!
September 15, 2003
Paging Batty and/or Skully, White Courtesy Phone Please

I mean, who can't at least look at a site titled turdwords.com, your one-stop shop for all the stock that goes "plop" (HA!)

The characters in question did, after all, actually pay money to rent Monsturd, a film that definitely gives Plan 9 from Outer Space a run for its money in the "stupid is..." department.

My child's godparents. Gotta love 'em.

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
September 14, 2003
Dumb Court Questions

Yes, lawyers can be stupid too.

Well not just the lawyers, but the clients too!

Posted by Ellen at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2003
Looking Forward to it? Of Course!

Jeff gets two no-prizes in a row for bringing a preview of what my life will be like in 2 years. And I know it will, because this sounds exactly like what Ellen warns me about in sing-song tones:

Here is how you play Princesses: You get a Princess, or a Barbie. Then you brush her hair for a while. Then she gets married. That's it! You don't even need a Prince! Or, sometimes Winnie the Pooh is the Prince. It doesn't matter! It is not about the Prince. It is about the Princess. She is beautiful. She has beautiful hair. So she gets married! She lives in a big castle! It is not clear who is paying for this lifestyle. Maybe somewhere there are a bunch of licensed taxpayer characters.

Maybe if I paint all the wrenches pink...

Posted by scott at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
Insert "Holy Grail" Joke Here

"Acme Insurance company, how can I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like some help filing a claim. My camper's been damaged."

"I can help you sir. I just need to get some details. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Well, you see, a cow fell on it."

"Ah. Ran into it you mean?"

"Well, actually no... fell on it. As in, from the sky

And to think of all the trouble I went through getting my car fixed when another car ran into it!

Posted by scott at 09:32 AM eMail this entry!
Dennis Miller on Dems

Dennis Miller is one of us!:

Al Sharpton's ramblings have gone so far afield now, somebody's gonna have to install an On-Star button in the middle of his forehead.

Posted by scott at 09:28 AM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2003
Rah Rah Rah

I don't know, maybe it's a combination of Jeff's bioterror and staying up late last night watching rag dolls falling from a tower... it's just lately I seem to be getting more reactionary. I'm feeling increasingly less tolerant of morons who think 2700 people died because of postmodern western globalism.

I guess that's why even though it skates a wee bit close to the edge of social conservatism, I still think this is goddamned funny.

Reader comment accusing me of being duped by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracytm in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2003
Good Thing I Only Believe in Karma

I almost feel bad linking this Christian "porn parody site" up, considering we're on someone's prayer list now (see 2nd comment). Of course, that's never stopped us before.

Note: Nothing objectionable (that I could find) from a "get-you-fired" point of view, unless you work for Pat Robertson or something.

It is, however, just about as tasteless as you can get. Joshua and Ellen should love it...

Posted by scott at 03:31 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2003
When Lawyers Attack

Well, I guess there's a reason none of us have any faith in lawyers. Witness the dumbest things said in a courtroom. I mean, who can't smile at, "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Update: Don't miss Wacky Court Cases (warning: annoying background music... hit MUTE), wherein we find out for sure whether or not Satan himself was the victim of a class action suit, and how one person's communications with "Proteus" lead her to sue the government in an attempt to reveal that the first Gulf War was in fact designed to re-stock American sex-slave camps with fresh recruits.

Well duh, didn't everyone know that?

Posted by scott at 09:32 PM eMail this entry!
Gentleman's Diary

P.J. O'Rourke, whom I remember back when he wrote for Car and Driver (no, really!) writes of a visit from his French in-laws:

Meanwhile Françoise was holding forth on American cheeses: "The secret to the taste of the cheese in France is the solidarity of the cows, their empowerment to roam the fields, choosing the seasoning herbs for the cud at their will. The pleasure of the eating is all in what has been eaten by les animaux. This cheese, it is insipid. It has no piquancy, no bouquet." Although, when she sliced the Vermont Liederkranz, the family of skunks that lives under our kitchen porch beat a retreat across the lawn.

Via On the third hand

Posted by scott at 10:37 AM eMail this entry!
Silly is as Silly Does

Ok, this little bit (Sister vs. Mecha Sister) is so goofy I couldn't help but link it. I'm not completely sure it's that funny though. It's just so damned strange...

Posted by scott at 09:57 AM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2003
The Mormon Way

How not to masturbate the Mormon way.

These people are harsh. Might as well tell you to chop off your ding-a-ling.

Posted by Ellen at 08:18 PM eMail this entry!
When Actors Attack

Can you say "backpedaling"? I knew you could:

Denying any anti-American sentiment on his part, actor Johnny Depp said on Thursday that quotes attributed to him as likening the United States to a "dumb puppy" were inaccurate and taken out of context.

Who knows, maybe they were. Certainly the fact he made career-threatening headlines had nothing to do with it, right? I mean, the Dixie Chicks didn't wait for their album sales to tank before they apologized. Oh, wait...

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
September 04, 2003
Oh Yes He Did

Sometimes I'm really glad I have a daughter, because only guys seem to be dumb enough to do this sort of stuff:

The 26-year-old man suffered a fractured pelvis and severe burns to his genital area after a firecracker exploded between the cheeks of his buttocks.

Firecrackers + ass = bad, mmkay?

Posted by scott at 08:33 AM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2003
Rice-o-Meter

Funny thing is, I don't know what half the stuff even means on this "tach for ricers". Damion isn't one, but can speak their lingo (as I can speak some l33t, even though I'm not a haXor). Maybe he can explain some of it.

Posted by scott at 02:42 PM eMail this entry!
Urban Legends Fun

This flash animation of a series of urban legends really brought back memories. I hadn't heard about the Ohio Player's rumor since I was a little kid, when it scared the hell out of me (7 year olds just don't think the way grownups do).

Before mom gets all freaky and forwards this to forty people, here's the "real deal":

Urban legends are fun, as long as you don't take them seriously. Too many morons out there do, so we're always up for a little de-bunking.

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2003
Ricer Humor

At least I hope this is a joke. I'm not completely sure you can even drive with it on. Ok mom, when we say "ricers", this is what we're talking about.

Posted by scott at 02:35 PM eMail this entry!
Anti-SAT

The teenager that still lives inside me got a vicarious thrill while I read this article about a guy who decided to get every single answer on the SAT wrong.

Note: Site goes into excruciating detail, especially at the beginning. If you're eyes start to glaze as he describes how scores work, just scroll down like I did.

Slashdot featured it awhile ago, no idea how I missed it then, must've been on a weekend or something.

There's just something so thrilling to me, taking one of "the man's" tests with the express intent of screwing it up, and known there will be no serious repercussions for your action. Especially while in college, the urge to simply get up and walk out of a test room just as the test was handed to me could be palpable. And, like the guy says, by the time you finish even undergrad school you've taken hundreds of tests.

To this day I still have "school panic" dreams. You know, it's finals day and you suddenly remember you never actually dropped German III, you just stopped showing up, and now you're walking into that class for the first time in three months to take a test that'll torpedo your college career? Or you wander aimlessly through the halls of your highschool trying to find Senior English, but the room numbers keep changing and you can't read them anyway?

Well, those are mine anyway. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who has them...

Posted by scott at 01:35 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2003
How Many did You Count on the First Try?

Take the eye test "everyone" fails and let us know how many you got.

I actually got it right the first time through, but I've seen this sort of thing before and knew what to look for.

Posted by scott at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2003
Japanese Transformer

Those crazy Japanese will do anything!

*NSFW due to the XXX pop up ads.*

Posted by Ellen at 03:12 PM eMail this entry!
Bag Pipes ARE Bad M-kay?

See Scott! I TOLD you bag pipes were evil!

A survey conducted by Piper & Drummer magazine has revealed the resonating force of the pipes can damage more than the morale of enemy troops.

Half of those surveyed reported hearing loss and repetitive strain injuries after years of playing.

Some 10 per cent also reported that their passion for the pipes had led to the break-up of marriages, while 84 per cent claimed to know pipe-band members who are alcoholics.

Posted by Ellen at 12:00 PM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2003
This is Why my Mom Doesn't have a Gun

Ok, I admit it, at one point just out of college I was forced to move back in with my mom. Trust me, there's nothing quite as conductive to a grown man's social life as, "let's go to my place... my mom works nights!" Ah, lonely times indeed.

There was definitely a learn curve involved. Take the time I set the oven on fire...

My mom cooks about three things really well, once, maybe twice a year, and the rest of the time does takeout and microwave food. I had learned in college that ingredients were cheaper than pizza, and was actually cooking, if only a bit. So, trying to be the good roommate in addition to the prodigal son, one Friday I decided to cook us dinner. I set the oven on preheat and commenced to fixin'.

It took a bit, but after awhile I noticed this, well, burning smell, like smouldering newspapers. A bit of sniffing tracked it to the oven, wherein I found the culprit... old pizza boxes. A big ol' stack of 'em too. Merrily smoking away in the oven like a bum with a cheap cigar.

"Well of course I put them in the oven... it was the only place they'd fit!" was the only answer I got.

So that's why mom will never have a gun:

A 22-year-old woman was wounded when a handgun that had been hidden inside an oven discharged when she opened the door, police said.

And neither should yours! :)

Posted by scott at 09:00 PM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2003
When Modders Attack

Damion gets a 'scooped & 'winged no-prize for bringing this ... um... "car"... to our attention. All those things I said about that ricer with the big wing on the ass of his car? I take them all back.

Well, ok, not really.

Yeah, I know, Indonesia. Them furriners sure gots some funny ideas about cars.

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
Darth Vader vs. The Snowmen

Just a simple, silly little thing to distract you from your Friday, Darth Vader vs. the Snowmen. Hint: To turn the page, click the bottom-right corner and drag.

Posted by scott at 10:59 AM eMail this entry!
Global Hawk Gaffe

This New Scientist article, about the Global Hawk unmanned aircraft receiving permission to routinely fly in civilian airspace, is pretty, well, routine until you get to the "accident report":

The USAF has only ever lost three Global Hawks, says Northrop Grumman. The first was during the plane's development, when someone accidentally tested the self-destruct program. As a result the plane flew to a pre-programmed, remote location and nose-dived into ground as its operators looked on helplessly.

I don't know... I just keep getting an image of Ren and Stimpy flying this thing, with Ren telling Stimpy, "You EEEdiot... don' push dis button, ever EVER EVER!"

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2003
The Real Hoax About the Moonwalk

We're not saying they didn't land on the moon, we're saying you didn't hear everything that was said.

Note: Use headphones if at work.

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
Fact Checks, Lovely Lovely Fact Checks

It doesn't get much more tabloid than this:

Don Johnson, star of U.S. television show ``Miami Vice,'' may sue Germany's Finance Ministry after news that customs officers found $8 billion when they stopped and searched his car was made public in March, Stern magazine said. [emphasis added]

That's right folks. Especially if you read the whole article, it sure does sound like our favorite 80s TV action hero was caught with more cash than most countries handle. But, whenever something really crazy comes along, it always pays to read the comments:

This article is wrong, likely because the original articles that popped up about it were wrong. Johnson wasn't carrying $8Billion in cash because it would be a physical impossibility. And he wasn't carrying $8Billion in notes because of the security risk involved.

It was cleared up shortly after the shiat that came out originally that Johnson and his business associates were carrying FINANCIAL RECORDS of $8Billion dollars in holdings because they wanted to show they had the ability to handle large sums money and equities to get backing to handle more. They had no large sums of cash, and no bonds.

When asked, Johnson allowed them to photocopy the records that they were carrying and they were detained at the border no longer than it took to do that. The news stories that came out later made it sound like he was caught with 8 kilos of cocaine and large sums of cash on him that weren't the case and was being held in jail.

And the reason why he's suing is because his reasonably 'good' reputation has been publicly slandered by what can only be described as tabloid journalism. Hell, I wonder why Bat Boy wasn't involved in this! He'll get his day in court and he'll win. --GodBlesssTexas

You'd think the Germans would at least be immune to this sort of predatory tabloid journalism. Ah well, looks like "media ethics" needs to be placed up on the same dusty, ignored mantle as that of "business ethics".

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 20, 2003
Toilet Training

At least one person who reads this used to be in the Army, so I bet they and everyone else out there in the services will appreciate this bit about how one soldier thinks a certain kind of port-a-potty could be improved.

I distinctly recall a conversation with my mom when Jeff was in basic all those years ago:

Mom: "He called me and said he was terrified."

Me: "What, of the drill seargents?"

Mom: "No. He said he was freaking out that the Army was giving loaded guns to teenagers who didn't have any idea what to do with them. He swears he saw one kid from Brooklyn trying to point the butt end at the target."

Me: "Tell him to keep his head down."

I don't think any of the recruits managed to shoot my brother, but apparently more than a few were capable of it, if only accidentally.

Via Site-Essential

Posted by scott at 01:21 PM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2003
When Spitfires Attack

Jeff gets a very low-flying no-prize for bringing this winning example of the "how low can you go?" contest. Good thing the announcer wasn't wearing a toupe.

Note: Video link. Be patient, it's worth it.

Posted by scott at 07:04 PM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2003
CatNip

NSFW (due to the ads)

Cat Nip

Posted by Ellen at 08:31 PM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2003
Inside Joke

Trust me, anyone who's seen American Pie will see the humor in this story. Too bad the editor didn't. Oh, and if you don't know, just do a google search for MILF. When you're at home.

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2003
Ham Sandwich

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

Thanks to Pat for passing this on!

Posted by Ellen at 07:12 PM eMail this entry!
Lowered Expectations

I'm always amazed at how depraved a certain subset of men (and they're nearly all men) can be. Witness this "way too personal" on-line personals feature (Warning: no pictures to get you in trouble, but contains a lot of "racy" language).

When Ellen was heavy into on-line chats ("talkers", which were quite popular before AIM and other instant message systems stomped the crap out of them) I was amazed at how crude and brazen guys were to girls. "Let's netsex!" was the nicest thing I ever saw... far more common was "wanna f---?" Now, these are strangers coming out of nowhere mind you. It got really amusing when she became the admin of one of these talkers. Asking "wanna f---?" to an admin is sort of like asking, "would you please move your bag... I need to store this bomb in the overhead compartment" to an air marshal. The results were about the same.

Way back in the day, when talkers didn't even allow you to list a real description, I once was very sweetly romanced by a guy who quite patently thought I was not ("SilverSpider" apparently says "chick" to a lot of guys, dunno why). I was actually kind of disappointed when I told him the truth. I really could've used those roses...

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
And I Thought My Kid Farted a Lot

Bears do it, Babies do it, apparently even big honking whales do it. Ah, the risks of research. With pic!

Posted by scott at 08:17 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2003
Italy vs. Europe

From the same guys who brought you "right vs. wrong driving," we have the way Europe does it, and the way Italy does it. Long, but very funny!

Posted by Ellen at 09:49 PM eMail this entry!
Boogie Down Mr. President!

Joshua gets a leisure-suited no-prize for this exceedingly screwball flash animation involving none other than GW himself. I'm almost afraid of what'll happen when mom sees it...

Posted by scott at 01:59 PM eMail this entry!
Welcome to the Right, Sign Here Please

In the never-ending battle of the hard right trying to explain how stupid the hard left are, we have this:

How, then, can decent and often very smart people hold liberal positions?

There are many reasons, but the two greatest may be naivete and narcissism. Each alone causes problems, but when combined in the same person, they are particularly destructive.

He actually scores a few points, and starts out with quite a reasonable tone. Unfortunately toward the end of it the iron fist of the religious right starts to tear through the velvet glove of reason:

A good example of liberal narcissism is the liberal position on abortion. For the liberal, the worth of a human fetus, whether it is allowed to live or to be extinguished, is entirely based on the feelings of the mother. If the mother wants to give birth, the fetus is of incomparable worth; if the mother doesn't, the fetus has the value of a decayed tooth.
...
Hence the liberal attempt to either erase the Judeo-Christian code or at least remove its influence from public life. Nothing could provide a better example of contemporary liberalism than the liberal battle to remove the Ten Commandments from all public places. Liberals want suggestions, not commandments.

As a conservative with mostly very liberal or essentially apolitical friends and relations, I often wonder... do people who claim to speak for them occasionally make their toes curl? Are they ever grateful for an opposition strong enough to keep their fringe in check? Do they sometimes worry that choosing a moderate leader will lead to the placement of lunatics in positions of power?

As I watch the Democratic presidential race, I have a feeling I know the answer. Oh, by the way, anyone who thinks the left doesn't have a fringe is patently a part of it.

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2003
When Hairdos Attack

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the hairdresser! Fab Hairdos!

Hey, I'm just pointing them out. My sister-in-law ran around with the bottom half of her hair colored, depending on her mood, black or bright pink. I got no place to talk about this stuff...

Posted by scott at 09:39 AM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2003
Oh I Definitely Gotta Get One of These

Mulletwigs.com, when you need to look your 80s-tacky best.

Mom thought Billy Ray Cyrus was a cutie (even if she denies it now), so she can't make fun :).

Posted by scott at 01:26 PM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2003
Talking Malibu Barbie's Fate is Sealed

Slashdot linked up this site detailing the efforts of a programming company to hack its new mascot, "Talking Bob the Builder."

Cue wavy-screen dream effect. Ah, I can see it now...

SCENE: A playground on a sunny fall day. A small group of girls approximately seven years old are playing with dolls.

Suzie: "My Malibu Stacy has the car and everything."

Girls (together): "Oooooo"

Marcy: "That's so cool! My Superstar Ken can drive her to a restaraunt in it!"

Dana: "And then they can all visit my new Barbie Salon and get a makeover!"

Girls (together): "Ahhhhh"

Suzie: "Isn't that the new Talking Malibu Barbie?!? Wow Olivia! What can she say?"

Olivia, a small, pretty, but rather quiet child dressed very darkly, stands a tall lace-dressed doll on the ground and turns it to Malibu Stacy, then presses a button.

Talking Malibu Barbie: "DEAD BY DAWN!!! DEAD BY DAWN!!!"

Malibu Stacy falls to the ground as Olivia turns the doll toward Superstar Ken.

Talking Malibu Barbie: "SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!! SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!"

Later. Interior of kitchen. A low, wide shot of a sobbing Suzie holding her Malibu Stacy by one arm. A woman enters the frame from the left.

Mom: "You've been playing with the Johnson girl again, haven't you?"

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
Yet Another Stocking Stuffer for Jeff & Mom & Joshua & ...

When it comes to politics, it never ceases to amaze me how people never seem able to take a joke. Witness the banning of the "Axis of Weasle" cards from e-bay, which I think are funny. I guess that means I'm not a True Believertm after all.

Oh, and before you left-wingnuts get all high-and-mighty about how conservatives got no sense of humor, just picture the reaction there would be if, say, it was ol' Hillary on the Ace card. See! See! My mom's already typing a reply!

Posted by scott at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2003
Adult toys lead to evacuation of post office

By The Associated Press (7/31/03 - LILBURN, GA) — A post office and surrounding area were evacuated after a mail carrier came across a suspicious, vibrating package. X-rays soon revealed the box to be X-rated.
See entire article here.

Something similar and not X rated happend to me and Scott at one of the area airports when we came home from San Diego one year. We went to pick up our luggage and noticed that the suitcase was 'buzzing'. Mind you, we have many of his co-workers standing around and watching us. So I unzip the bag and look inside to find that his beard trimmer *NO REALLY!* was turned on and buzzing away in the toiletry bag. Talk about embarassing.

Posted by Ellen at 10:58 AM eMail this entry!
Fence Holes

Jeff gets a No-prize for sending us this story!

ZAGREB (Reuters) - A drunken Croat flasher got more excitement than he bargained for when he pushed his penis through a woman's fence and her dog bit it, local newspapers said on Friday.

See entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 07:49 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2003
Don't F*ing Foward Me... Animation

Pat gets a no-prize forwarded to her for bringing us this little ditty on forwarding e-mail. Compare to our own version.

Posted by scott at 10:54 AM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2003
Cow Tse-Tung

Yet another extremely silly ditty that will be stuck in your head forever... Cows with Guns

Note: Takes awhile to load. I think it's worth it, but I'm pretty twisted.

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2003
Stupid Warning Lables

Who the hell thinks of these up? The flip side of this is that you know the reason why there are stupid warning lables out there is due to some dumb ass actually doing what they tell you not to do.

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Posted by Ellen at 04:16 AM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2003
Doing it Right

Jeff gets an oil-soaked no-prize for bringing this bit of oil change logic to our attention.

This is precisely why Damion and I save the beer for after we're done with the cars. We don't need any help messing stuff up.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
The Law of Unintended Consequences

Moral of the story: when given two choices, a politician will always pick the one most likely to get them re-elected, not the one that is in their constituent's best interest:

In response to the years of protest, former President Clinton agreed to stop Navy exercises [at the Puerto Rico island of Vieques]. Congress and President Bush ratified the deal and live-fire exercises were halted last May. But with its mission muzzled after 60 years, the Navy has decided to pull out of Puerto Rico completely.

That means the largest employer on the island, the Roosevelt Roads Naval Station, is now slated for closure that could come as early as October.

...

Puerto Rican Gov. Sila Calderon, who backed the booting of the Navy from Vieques, made no apologies for a decision that could crush the Puerto Rican economy.

"We are partners with the U.S., but definitely the rights of the people of Vieques are not for sale or for any other purpose," Calderon said.

Absolutely. Never let common sense get in the way of your pissing contest.

Posted by scott at 12:22 PM eMail this entry!
July 25, 2003
Hermit Crabs!

And people think goldfish are easy to care for? If you're searching for the perfect pet, look no further than the almighty hermit crab -- a land crustacean that won't take up more than a few minutes a week to keep fed and clean, providing endless entertainment and wacky crab action along the way. The creatures, usually on sale in pet stores and boardwalk shops crammed into mesh cages, seem to have garnered a bad rap for being "boring." Not true -- they've just gotten used to hiding since they've dealt with the prying fingers of tormenting six-year-olds for all of their captive life. Once you get the things home and settled, you'll be surprised at what they're actually capable of. If not, there's still a small bonus found in the right to tell people that you own a "pet crab."

See entire entry here

The crabs shown in this article are sporting Spongbob Squarepants shells. Great article for a good chuckle.

Posted by Ellen at 05:00 AM eMail this entry!
Beer Church

Scott would convert his religion to this if there was a church nearby.

Beer Church The Largest Unorganized Religion in the World! Making the world a better place, one beer at a time.

For each and every one of you, your own appreciation of beer is something deeply personal. The appreciation of Beer is also something that is universal. Beer Church is about the relationship of the two; your personal affection for beer, and humanity's overwhelming love of Beer. Beer Church is a celebration of Beer (with a capital "B"). Beer Church represents the "something larger than yourself" to which you belong by virtue of your very personal love for beer. Beer Church is about the one thing that we all have in common, regardless of all of our other differences. Something we all believe in. Beer.

Any gender, any sexual preference, any nationality, any shoe size or hair style; beer drinkers of the world are all part of something much larger than themselves. They are part of a loosely connected, diverse social group of countless individuals all around the world, with at least one thing in common. Beer. And sure, someone might be able to say the same thing about cheese, or coffee, or many other things, but we didn't. We said it about beer. And because you know the difference, you are one of us. You are Beer Church.

At last count, Beer Church has over 40,000 registered members from 26 different countries around the world.

Don't forget to check out the Mullet Haiku and learn how to become an ordained Beer Minister! I can totally see Scott as the Reverend Lager or something to that matter.
Posted by Ellen at 04:51 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2003
Trust Me, if You're from SE Arkansas, this is Fun

DIE MOSQUITOS!!! DIE!!!

Mindless fun, especially to someone who couldn't go outside on summer nights because of infestations. Living in a town surrounded by rice fields is just generally miserable.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
Old Age and Treachery, etc.

If only Kobe had known about this insurance method:

[Chuck] Berry protected himself with a Polaroid camera. Before he'd have sex with a fan, he'd insist she strip and pose for a photo with him, smiling with their arms around each other.

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
The Annual 2003 Blessing of the Cars

WoOT!??

I could totally see Scott doing something like this.

The all-day and into-the-night annual affair, held at Hansen Dam (this year's on July 26), begins with a mass morning blessing by a Catholic priest, who then goes car to car, blessing each individually. Some people also ask him put holy water in their radiators.

Scott actually needs to get that poor Spider blessed. Though I'm sure it would even rust with Holy Water.

Posted by Ellen at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2003
Must... Get... Black... and... Decker...

I mean, of course you know all I was really looking at were the tools. (Note: music video link... 56k-er's & people who can't play music in their office beware.)

Oink oink oink.

Posted by scott at 12:13 PM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2003
Stupid Computer, Stupid Sound Card

Ok, my sound card has gone south, so it'll be up to you guys to judge whether or not Silence of the Lambs -- the Musical is all that and a bottle of chianti or not. The song titles look amusing as hell.

Posted by scott at 01:33 PM eMail this entry!
If Only I Weren't Boycotting RIAA

Somehow I don't see me purchasing Bikini Pie Fight, but how they got the album cover picture is pretty interesting. Interesting in a "no-no-Ellen-don't-get-up-I-was-just-kidding-please-put-the-frying-pan-down" sort of way.

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
July 20, 2003
History Lesson

The History of the Razor told by Dave Barry.

The Internet tells us that humans have been shaving since the Stone Age. Of course, the Internet also tells us that hot naked women want to befriend us, so we can't be 100% sure about everything we read there. But assuming that www.quikshave.com/timeline.htm is telling the truth, Neanderthal Man used to pluck his facial hairs "using two seashells as tweezers."
Posted by Ellen at 01:34 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2003
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Sanity

My brother sent this to me via email.

1.At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2.Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.
3.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super sized.
4.Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.In the memo field of all of your checks, write "for Sexual favors".
7.Finish all of your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8.Don't use punctuation
9.AS often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.Ask people what gender they are.
11.Specify that your drive through order is "to go".
12.Sing along at the opera.
13.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14.Put mosquito netting around you work area and play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15.Five days in advance, tell your friend that you can't attend their party because you are not in the mood.
16.Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard".
17.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON I WON! 3RD TIME THIS WEEK".
18.When you are leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling"Run For your lives, they're loose!!"
19.Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

Posted by Ellen at 10:22 AM eMail this entry!
Spam by Any Other Name...

Proving that "politics for the sake of politics" is alive and well in the land of cheese eating surrender monkeys, we have this little tidbit:

Goodbye "e-mail", the French government says, and hello "courriel" — the term that linguistically sensitive France is now using to refer to electronic mail in official documents.

Remember folks, these are the people setting their political system up as an alternative to America's.

Posted by scott at 07:44 AM eMail this entry!
July 18, 2003
Sometimes I'm Glad I Was a Geek in High School

My daughter will eventually be able to make fun of the way I looked in college, but at least she won't find any pictures of me dressed like this (although Ellen may be a different story... I seem to recall seeing white belts and leg warmers buried in her closet in New York).

Ah hell, who am I kidding. By the time she's a teenager they'll be wearing this stuff again. When I saw my teenage sister-in-law Nina wandering around in bell bottoms (YES, BELL BOTTOMS. FLARES ARE WHAT YOU KEEP IN A BOAT) I decided anything was possible.

Posted by scott at 09:58 AM eMail this entry!
Ruining a Perfectly Good Excuse

Problem: Wedding date conflicts with work schedule. Solution: phone it in:

International Space Station commander Yuri Malenchenko won't be standing next to his bride when he marries next month, he'll be orbiting 240 miles above the earth.

In what could be the first space wedding, Malenchenko and Ekaterina Dmitritv will wed either by phone or proxy, his bride-to-be told reporters on Thursday after getting a marriage license in a Houston suburb.

I bet the reception's going to be interesting.

Posted by scott at 09:39 AM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2003
It's Two, Two, Two Kooks in One

Jeff gets a double-sided no prize for bringing this double-fisted report on new developments in the Jimmy Hoffa case and... wait for it... the Loch Ness Monster:

Just as authorities were digging into a Michigan back yard yesterday with renewed hope of finding James R. Hoffa -- whose middle initial stands for Riddle -- Scottish scientists were conferring on the discovery of bones matching those of the Loch Ness monster.

Investigative reporting at its finest. At least this one's not sniffing around Baghdad hoping another G.I. gets blown up so they can make their deadline.

Posted by scott at 11:16 AM eMail this entry!
Insert Smothers Brothers Joke Here

In the never-ending quest to build a better mouse trap, we have this entry summarized by New Scientist:

A chocolate-scented mousetrap has been developed by UK scientists to catch the pests without the need for bait.

Contrary to popular belief, mice are more attracted to the scent of chocolate than the more traditional mouse-bait cheese, or other aromas like vanilla essence, according to Sorex Ltd, a manufacturer of rodent control products based in Cheshire, UK.

Let's hope they don't scale it up too large. I'd never see my wife or mother again!

Posted by scott at 10:34 AM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2003
Insert "Milk for Free" Joke Here

I wonder what the mileage terms are:

Lovers of Swiss cheese can now lease their own cow on an Alpine pasture to provide the personal touch that store-bought products just can't offer.

If you stick a cow's ass up on blocks and make them walk backward, does it violate that agreement too?

Nevermind folks... blood sugar dropping... move along, move along...

Posted by scott at 12:53 PM eMail this entry!
What a Eulogy

My brother sent me this joke in an email

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she re-married and this time she had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her, he thanked The Lord for this loving woman and said, " Lord they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."

Posted by Ellen at 12:19 PM eMail this entry!
July 14, 2003
First Rule of Taking Cover During a Thunderstorm

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Two Russian nudists were struck by lightning on Friday at a beach on the Moscow river as they took cover from a thunderstorm under a tree, the emergencies ministry said.

Let's look at that statement for a moment. " Took cover under a tree." During a thunderstorm? Last time I watched a Weather Channel Storm Story, you should not take cover under a tree. No wait, I think I learned that rule in grade school.

See entire story here.

Posted by Ellen at 07:17 PM eMail this entry!
A Washing Machine By Any Other Name...

Everyone's heard of why, exactly, women seem to enjoy sitting on the washing machines when they're in the laundramat. Now you can figure out just which combination of things... ummm... "washes" best.

Note Safe for work only if you have headphones. Pictures are fine, sound is not. :)

Posted by scott at 01:19 PM eMail this entry!
SSDD: Japan-Style

Seems like our politicians aren't even in the same league as Japan's when it comes to saying stupid things. Of course, if a US Senator went on the record saying Palestinians are a bunch of terrorists or that Japan's government is hopelessly corrupt it'd be on the front page of every newspaper in the area.

Also note that saying stupid things garners even less punishment in Japan than it does here. In some ways human beings are an awful lot alike.

Posted by scott at 11:05 AM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2003
A New Fangled Hope! Waitaminute... Fangled?!?

New Dialog!

New Cast!

New Hope!!!

One of the funniest Star Wars parody sites I've seen since "Troopers". Be sure not to miss the trailers!

WEEEEEEeeeeee!!!

Posted by Ellen at 09:27 PM eMail this entry!
July 10, 2003
These Wheels are Made for Lovin'

Hey, just because you're in a wheel chair doesn't mean you can't get some. Even if you're a dog!

Posted by scott at 03:22 PM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2003
Software for the Rest of Us
Posted by scott at 12:34 PM eMail this entry!
July 07, 2003
Umm... wha?

The title sorta says it all... A French Erotic Film, or Colin Mochrie vs. Jesus Christ.

If you can figure it out please get back to us.

Note: Completely safe for work, but a bit on the noisy side.

Posted by scott at 01:56 PM eMail this entry!
Error 404

These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed.

The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.

See entire piece here

Posted by Ellen at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2003
When Crop Circles Attack

Actually, I'm amazed it took this long. Seems northern California finally has its first crop circle. The results are not particularly surprising:

"I feel like I'm melting right into the earth," said Lily Kyle. "It's intense. There's a coalescence, no doubt about it."

Posted by scott at 02:13 PM eMail this entry!
July 04, 2003
What Will They Think of Next

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I'm a single girl with a clean bathroom, a well-adjusted cat, and no porn on my computer. I enjoy doing laundry without being confronted with mysterious brown-stained underwear, and I consider it my right to take whatever counter space my makeup kit needs. Yet I can't help but feel I might be missing out on something... sleeping alone just sucks. What am I to do?"

Fear not gentle Birkenstock wearer! We have found the perfect product for you!

Posted by scott at 12:02 PM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2003
Another One for Amber & Pals

Turns out Sue Johansen isn't the only one using drawing mannequins to illustrate sexual positions. I wonder if they got splinters...

Posted by scott at 04:25 PM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2003
Worst Cars of the Millenium

Car Talk's poll of the worst cars of the millenium is out.

How many of you out there owned or had a family member that owned one of these cars?

Posted by Ellen at 02:54 PM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2003
No, Really, We Did Think He Was Straight!

The sad thing is, I know nearly all the answers to this "you might be a child of the 80s if...", and Ellen probably doesn't. Gah. Just give me my walker right now...

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2003
Being Good at Being Bad

Our favorite cracka has given us this extremely informative bit titled The Drunk But Smart Girl's Guide to Navigating a Successful One-Night Stand. Since neither of us were any good at this sort of thing, and we won't even be able to play make-believe for a good six months (twenty years?), it's always interesting seeing how the other half lives. Sorta like watching a travel show to Disney World. With sluts.

Posted by scott at 02:47 PM eMail this entry!
Way to Give My Mom a Heart Attack, #8

Have the devil jump over her:

A man dressed as the devil leaped over babies lying on mattresses on Sunday as the small Spanish town of Castrillo de Murcia held its traditional Corpus Christi celebrations.

Eh, no harm done, why not? Hmmm... no devil though. I wonder if goths work just as good, I got lots of those.

Posted by scott at 01:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2003
Proof Our Weapons Aren't the Only Ones Designed by the Lowest Bidder

Britain seems to be having its share of troubles with high-tech weaponry:

But there is growing controversy over Britain’s preferred choices for an £800m drone air force. The Phoenix has such an abysmal record that the army, which uses it for artillery spotting, has called it “the Bugger Off” because of its tendency never to come back.

Bah. Should've let the French design it. At least then they'd know the thing had simply surrendered.

Posted by scott at 07:13 PM eMail this entry!
From the Mouths of Babes

Pat gets a no-prize for bringing these perls of wisdom from the ultimate source... children. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

Posted by scott at 05:46 PM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2003
Where was This When I Had Braces?

When I was a kid I had horrible teeth. Eventually I even had a super-grody "extra" tooth in my gumline when my adult second incisor erupted before my baby tooth fell out. I had to deal with braces for four long years to get it all fixed (thanks mom!) Turns out all I really needed to do was marry a dog:

A 9-year-old girl was married to a stray dog in a ceremony attended by more than 100 guests in a village in India's eastern state of Bengal as part of a ritual intended to ward off a bad omen, newspapers reported Thursday.

Ah, traditional medicine.

Posted by scott at 03:28 PM eMail this entry!
The Very First Fashion Fad of the New Millennium

One of the things that just kills me about the latest teen fashion crazes is how I grew up with them all. Bell bottoms (yes, dammit, bell bottoms, "flare jeans" is just a marketing gimmick), feathered hair, pastel makeup, platform shoes, and nearly all the rest come straight from that not-quite-decade of 1976-1982. We all just thought (hoped?) disco was dead.

Well folks, I'm happy to announce there seems to be a genuinely new fashion trend our ersatz elite have come up with. Their solution to fashion originality? Plumber's Butt. No, really.

Yeah I know, I know. I can hear that clock ticking too. Well, she's not going to date until she's 25, so I don't have to worry about it.

Right?

Posted by scott at 08:48 AM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2003
It's Like an Amish Tech Mascot ... Made Real!!!

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I'm in a real bind. I want to be kept informed of the latest efforts of our government to keep its ass covered, but I need something that compliments my velvet Elvis. What am I to do?"

Fear not fellow traveler, we have the perfect solution! For the tacky religious wack who has everything, we're happy to present the Threat Alert Jesus. Now you too can be kept abreast of your government's ever more efficient mechanisms for scaring the, well, bejesus out of you while worshipping the almighty at the same time! Only $19.95 (+ s&h). Order yours today!

Funny thing is I think it'd be a race between Joshua, Larry, Meryl, Bigwig, and Michele as to who got one first.

Posted by scott at 11:21 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2003
CC LEMON!!!

Don't ask me to explain it, just trust me that Japanese-speaking Simpsons are funny. Only Japan would turn Marge's famous gravelly voice into a helium squeak worthy of the best anime freak kid.

Update: Be sure to check the whole site out to see your favorite "a-list" actor, way "too important" to be caught in commercials over here, shilling Japanese stuff for cash.

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2003
Darwin Strikes!

Remember, if you have to pee when you are in the car, stop the car and get out.

Posted by Ellen at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2003
~ As We Go, Taxing Merrily Along ~

Of course it'll only be a matter of time before some Republican wing-nut says something every bit as frighteningly stupid, but for now let's all bask in Scrappleface's zing-o-rific take on the latest example of Democratic foot-in-mouth disease.

Sometimes I really do think it's not that the Democrats don't want to hatch dark, secret conspiracies to snatch power from the people, it's just they can't organize themselves enough to pull it off. This is only comforting to true believers who don't think about it very much.

Posted by scott at 09:46 AM eMail this entry!
Funny Thing is, My Mom Can Probably Still Sing Along with the Chorus

Seems once or twice per decade a Spanish-language song makes it big in the mainstream pop charts. I'm not sure if this was from the 50s or 60s, but I know it's definitely from that era.

And you just thought it was the name of a really bad Plymouth.

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
Mediocrity, Thy Name is Powerpoint

My workplace's leadership has an unfortunate fascination with power point presentations. Endless, repetitive, mind-numbing power point presentations so chock full of buzzwords they're louder than a broken neon sign. That's why this is so funny it literally makes my teeth ache.

Someone else mentioned in a different forum that you know it's bad "when the living envy the dead." No kidding...

Posted by scott at 08:39 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2003
You Know You've Lost Control When...

You have to use a stungun on your teen girl to keep her off the computer.

I never will understand this. If it were us, it'd never get that far. If, for whatever reason, we were to, I don't know, take in a foster child that acted like this, there would simply be no computer in the house. If they ran away because of that, well, buh-bye.

Yeah, I'm a bastard. Got a card and everything.

Posted by scott at 08:07 PM eMail this entry!
Considering I Only Own 2 Pairs of Shoes, This is not Surprising

Well, c'mon, hurry up and tell us just how gay are you?

36%. Says I need to loosen up. Duh.

Posted by scott at 12:08 PM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2003
Somewhere, Burt Reynolds's Agent is Making a Call

Not quite rice, not quite rigs, not quite mecha, we're happy to show that even truckers get the... well... whatever the hell this is. I kind of admire it. Those things aren't cheap, and the pictures show a helluva lot of skill. I may not like some kinds of "art", but I know and respect craftsmanship when I see it.

Kinda brings a whole new meaning to the lyric, "East bound and down", no?

Posted by scott at 06:35 PM eMail this entry!
Well, Who Knew it Wasn't "~The girl with colitis goes by~"?

One of my very few talents is the ability to pick through accents and noise to understand what someone's saying, so while I might not be able to find the right key with a compass, map, and flashlight, I rarely suffer from "modegreens". What are those? Well, apparently they actually have a word now for what happens when you completely screw up the lyrics in a song because a) you're not really listening or b) the singer has, I don't know, gravel in their mouth or something. The ones they pick out (including the title for this bit, a mangle from "Lucy in the Sky") are definitely choice.

Posted by scott at 06:24 PM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2003
Bug on a Wire

First time out I got 58.98 seconds. How long can you keep the bug on the wire?

Rules: Control your bug using the right and left arrow keys. Don't let him run into a bird.

Posted by scott at 11:22 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2003
StormTrooper
Posted by Ellen at 09:00 PM eMail this entry!
Silent Stupidity

Proof that criminality is the profession of last resort all over the world, we have this tidbit from BBCnews:

A man who tried to steal a till from a corner shop while wearing a pair of underpants on his head is being sought by police.

And we thought the burglars who hit my parent's liquor store were dumb...

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
Say What?

You always know it's the beginning of the Silly Season of election time when the media starts talking about how stupid politicians are. Of course, how dumb the press is tends to remain a state secret, no?

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2003
A What in a Where?

Fark linked up an actual auction, but Damion gets the real no-prize by suggesting to us that we do a search for "ghost in a jar." Amazing what people will pay money for nowadays.

Posted by scott at 01:12 PM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2003
Barry Manilow Breaks His Nose

Richie, my brother brings us this story of Barry Manilow, who apparently broke his nose in the middle of the night by walking into a wall.

A very Manilow! No-prize to Rich.

Posted by Ellen at 07:07 PM eMail this entry!
Don't Blame Us, Blame Kris

Ok, proof that you can write an article about anything, we present the compleat rules of punchbuggy. Ellen loves this game, gets so excited she sometimes bops me two or three times. Now we can all know if we're playing it right or not!

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2003
Stupid is as Stupid Does

Funny only because nobody got hurt, how not to catch a flight:

A man running late for his flight to Phoenix called in a phony bomb threat Monday in hopes that the plane would be delayed long enough for him to get on board, police said.

Years ago we had to take a plane trip with my brother's family, with their then very-very new little boy. We miscalculated a few things and ended up missing the flight. If only we'd known...

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2003
Like I Needed a Test to Tell Me

Ok, so really, just how geeky are you?

39.68% ... why do you ask?

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
Finally, a Reason for Those Headlights

Headlights on a lawnmower aren't for mowing at night, they're for driving cross-country. Literally cross country:

Phileas Fogg made it around the world in eighty days. The "Yard-Man" will cross the United States in that time ... on a lawn mower.
Posted by scott at 09:44 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2003
Stupid Penis Tricks

I've actually read about "Puppetry of the Penis", I think they played DC last year. Now we can see what they're all about.

Warning It's called "puppetry of the penis" for a reason folks. If a couple of naked Australian buns and willies would get you into trouble at work, well, wait until you get home.

Snide comment from my mom in 3... 2... 1...

Update: Home page is here. Warning still applies.

Posted by scott at 03:02 PM eMail this entry!
Here's a Simulator I Don't Want

Boy am I glad this pregnancy simulator is only sold to medical professionals. Which my wife actualy is. Uh-oh...

Update: Whew! At more than $1000 for the complete package, it is safely out of her reach. Now, none of your ideas about fundraising for one. No help from the peanut gallery!

Posted by scott at 01:55 PM eMail this entry!
All He Really Needs is a Tiny Bandana

911: 911 operator, how can I help you?

Woman: [desperate voice] I'd like to report a car jacking in progress!

911: Yes ma'am, can you give a description of the perpetrator?

Woman: [rapidly] Yes! He's about 2 feet tall, forty-five pounds, and is wearing a mask!

911: Ma'am, it's against the law to prank call emergency numbers.

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
So That's Why Amish Tech Support is so Successful

What would happen if Madison Avenue were turned loose on modern religions? LostBrain.com speculates. And to think all this time I thought you had to buy your own hats before you went to synagogue.

Posted by scott at 08:07 AM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2003
Well, Where is He?

Heck I can't find him, maybe you can: where's Jesus?

Posted by scott at 04:46 PM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2003
The Gaytrix

Kris get's a pink-and-black (and 2nd of the day) no-prize for bringing us The Gaytrix. The things people can do with flash animation nowadays...

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
And the Lord Said, "Thank you, Thank You Very Much"

Kris gets a velvet no-prize for bringing us The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis. Definitely not for the humor-impaired.

Posted by scott at 09:58 AM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2003
The Real God

When Biblical figures stop being polite, and start getting real, the real Old Testament.

Warning: contains a bit of fuzzed-out anatomy done in a humorous way. If your bosses have no sense of humor, wait to watch this at home.

Posted by scott at 03:40 PM eMail this entry!
Gothic Japan

I always wondered what might happen if one of my goth friends ended up in charge of a school. Now I know:

A public elementary school principal here has come under fire for giving a deadly twist to a squeaky clean song, education officials said Tuesday.
(...)
But [a] top teacher from the school has stood by his principal. "The kids were all a bit bored and I was only trying to lighten things up for them," he was quoted as saying by Saitama education officials.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
May 19, 2003
The Real History of the Internet

Slashdot featured this timeline of internet history. Much more interesting and factual than anything a press monkey could come up with. Of course, someone will now probably use it in a press release...

Posted by scott at 01:19 PM eMail this entry!
If Microbes Were Cat-Shaped, We'd Own Ten of These

Proof that if you try hard enough you can make anything warm-and-fuzzy (Islamic Fundawackamoles take note), we present the Giant Microbes. The site says "New York City 'A Hit' World Toy Fair 2003", but to me these plush germs are, well, a bit on the strange side.

Considering the double-dose of nerd genes Olivia is getting, it would surprise me not one bit if I heard "Daddy! I already have the flu! I want to get the cold next!"

Posted by scott at 09:07 AM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2003
Could it be... Satan?!?

Everyone's favorite wacko fundamentalist church, The Landover Baptist Church, weighs in with this review of The Matrix Reloaded:

This movie has Polish Catholics at the helm. If we need any reminder of the pernicious threat Polish Catholics pose to our American values, we need look no further than that crazy old coot, Pope John Paul II, who treats our nation's thousands of pubescent altar boys like his own personal petting zoo. When I discovered that The Matrix was a trilogy, I should have known right away that the series was an open attack on my three-headed God: the angry Father, His loving Son, and their flying sidekick with superhero powers, the Holy Ghost.

And, by the way, if you haven't already figured out it's a big joke, I'd like to give you this dollar so as to allow you to pay a visit to the ClueStore.

(It's enough to make you delusional... I just thought cluestore.com would be a neat URL, typed it in for no reason, and bang, there's a site. Gotta love the internet.)

Posted by scott at 11:21 AM eMail this entry!
It's Raining ... Golf Balls?

Showing police have a sense of humor too, we have this little bit detailing 4 am golf-ball bombings on the roof of a house. The owner? Mr. Orenthal James Simpson, of course.

What amazes me is nobody seems to hear the helicopter... dropping stuff out of an aircraft and have it hit anything, even something literally as big as a house, is not easy unless you're going pretty slow. Or you have a lot of practice. Your tax dollars at work!

Posted by scott at 10:01 AM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2003
GuyThink

Pat gets a no-prize for bringing us the diary entry all men wish they could make, but are too smart to try.

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
Best. 404. Ever.

A 404 error, for those of you who do not know, is code for "this web page cannot be found." But of course, we all know this is just a giant imperialistic conspiracy, don't we now?

Posted by scott at 09:16 AM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2003
Our Very First Shameless Plug *sniff*

Joshua gets a special-edition TCM-logo'd no-prize for creating the which editor of The City Morgue are you test. I ended up as Franken Chicken, and when I told the Bunch all they did was snicker. Makes me suspicious...

The City Morgue is a Washington, DC based magazine that covers what's going on in the Goth/Industrial community with a little punk thrown in for a little spice. You can read more about them here

Posted by scott at 02:41 PM eMail this entry!
Insert Beatles Joke Here

An Albanian couple apparently took the song on the radio a bit too literally and actually did it in the road:

"The couple came out of their car completely naked and started making love on the asphalt," taxi driver Vangjush Poci told Korrieri. "They did not care about onlookers. After a few minutes, they kissed and walked back to their car."

Can Albanians Gone Wild be far behind?

Posted by scott at 10:01 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2003
Submarine: 1, Polar Bear: 0

"Uh... captain?"

"Yes Lieutenant?"

"There's a, well, a polar bear chewing on us sir."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Outside, sir, on the ice, there's a polar bear chewing on the back of the submarine."

"Let me see that." [looks through periscope] "Well I'll be damned. Don't just stand there, help me take a picture!"

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
The Fine Art of the Cutaway

Joshua gets a cut-up and pasted-back-together no-prize for bringing us this little bit of creative editing on one of Bush's state of the union speeches. Maru and Pat will almost certainly get a kick out of it. Warning: movie. Be patient, especially if you're on dialup.

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2003
And You People Think I'm Obtuse

Frieda gets her very first no-prize by bringing the results of this year's world's worst writing contest to our attention. First prize:

"The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power."
Judith Butler, professor of rhetoric and comparative literature,University of California 1997

See! I actually did find someone wordier than me! You all owe me a dollar. Or a beer. Mmmm... beer...

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
Well, I Found Mom's Stocking Stuffer

Nothing better than a good fart joke to lighten your day. Even better when you can make fun of the President at the same time!

There's a whole bunch of people I can think of that I'd get this for on Christmas, but most of them would get all ritual on it and set it on fire. Ah well.

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2003
So that's Where He's Been All This Time

And to think all this time none of us, even his wife, knew that Joshua was secretly a really cheerful dance dude with really bad taste in clothing.

Yeah, ok, 90% of you won't have any idea what we're talking about. This one is for that 10%...

Posted by scott at 04:54 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2003
Macs Anonymous

Joshua get's a user-friendly no-prize for this much more realistic Macintosh "switch" ad. Every bit as good as the gamer one!

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
It Means Very Tall Engine Cooling... Duh

Damion gets a gold-plated flame-shooting no-prize for bringing the rice story to end all rice stories (note: video, dial-up users be patient). If you're into cars, you will have a hard time breathing for awhile. If you're not, well, show it to someone who is, then watch them pass out from laughing.

Want a teaser? How about a Ford Mustang with a honda VTEC badge on the back?

Posted by scott at 10:12 AM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2003
It's NOT a Squeak Toy!!

This is the reason why I do not own a dog. This would so happen to me.

Warning: If a picture of a "personal relaxation device" would get you in trouble at work, wait till you get home to see this one!

Posted by Ellen at 09:06 PM eMail this entry!
A Brush with Greatness

Digital Camera: $350
Gas to get to the church: $13
Getting your picture submitted by some dorkus (not us!) so 150,000 asshats can play photoshop with it: priceless.

See! I told you our friends were colorful!

Update: Just skip the comments. There's a reason FARK is sometimes known as the largest tree full of poo-flinging chimpanzees in the world.

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2003
So That's Why Ellen is So Interested in Getting a Console

I've always wondered what the hell the point was about the "rumble packs" of modern console controllers. They have to be small, so there's not enough mass to fling around to make it *really* rumble, and since the controller isn't anchored it can't get enough leverage to make force-feedback credible (in my opinion, of course). But then I read this article, and all became clear.

Of special note are all the comments (this story has been around the block apparently), which prove prudishness and intolerance are alive and well in the good ol' US of A, having made the transition to a "new" generation intact. Like we needed a reminder...

Warning: Site has two pictures of some chick in her underwear giving a pretty explicit demonstration of where the "pack" is best placed. If this could get you in trouble at work, wait till you get home to look.

Posted by scott at 09:43 AM eMail this entry!
If Italian Rice is Risotto...

Then I guess this thing would be "American Rice." Be sure to read the extra-cogent comments in the guest book for a look at why real hot-rodders snicker when these things go by.

And Jeff better not be drinking anything when he sees the "bragging rights" entry on the left side of the page.

I hope Damion appreciates this no-prize, because it took all our madd skillz to put the triple-decker wing on it. Worth 20 horsepower!

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2003
More Silly Town Names

Well, turns out Americans aren't the only ones with goofy names for their towns... the English have them too. At least theirs have somewhat-classy (or at least understandable) origins, as apposed to a couple of cowboys at a wide spot in the road too busy to actually come up with a "real" name.

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
Mega Happy Flash Battle!

The best parodies keep you guessing whether or not they're serious right up to the end. I wasn't sure about the mega happy flash battle until I saw the credits. Anyone who's a fan of anime will get a serious case of the giggles, while anyone who's not will get a taste of just how weird it can be. This is only a mild exaggeration.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2003
How not to Be Seen -- Halo-style

Joshua gets a heavily-disguised no-prize for this very informative video on how not to be seen. A must see (as it were) for anyone involved in on-line gaming.

Now then, if Joshua would please stand up to receive his prize?

...

BOOM!!!

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
May 01, 2003
Yup, that's about Right

Just to prove you're not the only one it happens to, we present the "realistic" internet simulator.

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
Best. Auction. Description. Ever.

Damion joins the rare club of people who have nailed two no-prizes in a single day by bringing this auction item to our attention. Why is it so special? Check out the description:

You are bidding on a 600 Watt AMP + 2, twelve inch MTX subwoofers in an enclosed box. This system is pretty sweet, its got loud distinct bass, nothing to obscene, if you have an SUV or a truck this is perfect, it comes prewired already, just enough to feel your music, but not to irritate anyone else, or you can if you tweak it, or if your a loser who drives a Civic with a type R sticker, racing stripes, blasting really bad rap music through your suburban area with your pretentious "I’m 21 but I’m still in high school girlfriend" while driving with your hand up on the top of the steering wheel exposing your underdeveloped pasty white vitamin deficient arm and wearing your backwards BS upside down visor hat while feeling the tacky as a "Florida vacation" single diamond earring in your ear, If you are this person...with any luck the sun in its precise celestial positioning as you putter on by...will reflect its scorching rays into your earring, bouncing intensely in your rearview, and finally making contact with your eyes through the thin cheap lense of $5 gas station Oakley rip off glasses.. then burning your retnal cones into smoldering melting gobs of ocular material as you are blinded by the purest form of energy in our known universe, and as you scream no one can help or hear you because they don’t know what’s going on since the weed whacker sound of your shitty tiny little muffler which makes the Civic sound like a 747 rages on underneath making everyone turn at disgust and comment to thier husbands or wives how much of a dickweed you are by attaching that automotive abnormality to your stock economical daily driver engineered by Japanese Automotive specialists to fit the needs for entry level business workers in their early 30's, however your pathetic looking $11,000 car which you want to look like a friggin spaceship with redundant ground effects is now out of control since you are blinded, and as your car plunges off the side of a cliff while you scream in the purest form of terror while knowing you have lived a horrid excuse for a life, by doing the bare minimum in every facet of existence, while getting fired from one pathetic job to another, the majority of your time spent slacking smoking dope, getting kicked out of school, polishing your "game" on sweet innocent underage girls you eventually 'de flower' through exhaustive yet succesful attempts to get the date rapist drugs you have stashed in the glove compartment, into your poor victims drinks while offering them to take the "Pepsi Challenge" while making your mother hate you, and your poor father who wishes he had a daughter instead of your pathetic ass, since a girl would be more of a man than you ever were, like the occasion when you were hit in the arm by a wild pitch in little league, then you cried like a fat kid who dropped his ice cream cone, I'm already envisioning you impacting the rocks below, in a spectacular fireball ignited from the residue hairspray from your girlfriend plastered in the fabric passenger seat, blinded by your earring, deafened by the loud "Bling Blingin", and I will smile and roll around on the ground in orgasmic delight while you are consumed by flames whose intense heat and fury will liquefy your bone marrow that I will use to make jelly beans out of and eat them happily at your funeral as midgets dressed like Alex 6005321 from "A Clockwork Orange" dance around your coffin to loud industrial style techno music and strobe lights, and I will sleep soundly at night knowing another successful conquest of Darwinism has been attained. So...you can either use the system I'm selling like the fore- mentioned guy did, or you can buy it from this Cadet and use it properly and enjoy the compliments people will give you as you pass and let them listen to your outstanding taste in fine diverse music. Disclaimer: -No..Im not crazy...Following my 8 years of Military Service as a Naval Aviator, I plan to be a screenwriter. And no, you cant hire me...yet. I almost forgot, the RESERVE is UBER low, like dirt cheap. Shipping might be a bit expensive so if anyone is close to THE CITADEL, in Charleston South Carolina I can arrange a delivery, or you may pick it up. Thank you, if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask. My profile and feedback is immaculate. Thank you. EMAIL [removed] if you need to get in contact with me for any reason.
Posted by scott at 10:50 AM eMail this entry!
Chat Pervs Anonymous

Damion gets another no-prize for brining us this transcript purporting to be an actual AOL AIM conversation. I tend to lean toward authenticity, or very fine parody, because when Ellen was doing the chat stuff a lot she would have guys exactly like this try and "virtually" hit on her all the time.

Posted by scott at 09:32 AM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2003
Photoshop Fun

Kris gets a sugar-coated no-prize for this... umm... "video tribute" to the UK/US alliance. Not sure if it's meant to be insulting or not, but it sure was funny to me.

Posted by scott at 03:20 PM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2003
If Only it were Available on the Net

Well, at least some of the French have a sense of humor:

As France wonders how Washington might punish it for opposing the war in Iraq, a spoof Paris newspaper has let its imagination run wild and reported a U.S.-led invasion to topple President Jacques Chirac.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
Fundies R Us

No matter how hard you try, there's always going to be a busybody out to ruin everyone's fun:

One city councilman says the display [of women sunbathing in bikinis at a newly-renovated public park] is inappropriate in a place frequented by families and surrounded by churches. Councilman Wendell Gilliard says he is ready to take a stand, comparing the activity to the hot-selling "Girls Gone Wild" videos of college students in various stages of drunken undress.

Welcome to family values, 18th-century style! To their credit, most of the other city council seems to be ignoring the boob. As it were.

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2003
Bill Clinton, Warrior Prince

I'm almost certain mom won't see the humor in this one, but I sure did. My brother would start spouting about how "dubya" was managing to screw it up anyway. Sometimes it's lonely being conservative.

Posted by scott at 02:55 PM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2003
Ellen Just Won't Stop Playing It

Ok, yeah, it's in a foreign language, but trust me click around a bit and then hit the space bar, it's worth it.

I hope the nurses at the VA are still checking this site, some choice stuff for you folks tonight.

Posted by scott at 08:41 PM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2003
Every Time the Lights Go Out, Another Squirrel Gets its Wings

I'd always heard that a power surge or electrical problem (I'd always thought of lightening strikes myself) on the utility pole outside your house was a Very Bad Thing. However, I had no idea that it could be this bad. WARNING: Contains graphic imagery of a squirrel carcas who's former owner was now busy blinking his eyes at the back of the reincarnation line, wondering what the hell that loud noise was.

Posted by scott at 07:16 PM eMail this entry!
Appropos of Nothing

Sometimes, it's good to be a network admin. I was this [..] close to declaring FATWAH on cox cable because their service seemed to crap out every 15 minutes, and then come back 15 minutes later. Being in my job, I knew it wasn't the internet connection itself, but the DNS services that were causing the problem. For those who haven't heard of DNS services, they're sort of a combination of road maps and highway signs on the information superhighway. If you already know the way, you can get to where you're going without them, but if you don't you're screwed.

Cox's road maps and street signs regularly burst into flames. However, I know of several alternative sources for road maps and signs. A few clicks of the mouse, a couple of numbers entered, and PRESTO. Damn thing runs faster than it ever did.

Back to your regularly scheduled fragfest...

Posted by scott at 07:05 PM eMail this entry!
Ah Parody, Sweet Parody

Ok, it's my birthday, all right? I get to be as tasteless as I want. In that vein, be sure to check out this ultimate backstreet boys parody. Does a nice send up of that goateed one I caught Ellen drooling over that one time. BUSTED!

Posted by scott at 11:26 AM eMail this entry!
Sexism R Us

Jimspot brings us what is probably a pretty sexist joke to people with no sense of humor, but I smiled at it. I'll wager you did too. Of course, it's a bad joke, which means I groaned as I smiled. But still...

Posted by scott at 09:37 AM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2003
Rampage!

Ya know, it's pretty bad when your kids are so awful they end up in the newspapers:

Two three-year-old twin boys who disappeared from home then reappeared hours later without their clothes had been off wreaking havoc in a neighbor's empty house, French newspapers reported on Thursday.

My brother and I didn't do things like that because we knew our lives would be effectively over when we got caught. And not over in a pleasant, quick, toss-them-out-the-window way, but a long, slow oh-how-could-you-do-this-to-your-mother sort of "guilt to death" kind of way. At least until Dad came home, then it'd be the mother of all beatings for sure.

I guess it makes me a barbarian, but I firmly believe that tightly controlled physical violence (i.e. spanking) is a valid and nessesary tool in a parent's arsenal. Not the tool of first resort, but definitely never to be excluded from the last.

But that's just me.

Posted by scott at 12:03 PM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2003
Eat Your Heart Out eminem

Will the real Saddam please stand up? The first rap song my brother might actually like

Via Silflay.

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
Phone Bashing!

Damion gets an antenna-mounted no-prize for his submission of the phone bashing site. Videos of guys dressed up in giant phone suits running up to obnoxious cell phone users and crushing the annoying little gizmos. Vigilantism at it's finest, what's not to love?

Posted by scott at 09:34 AM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2003
Break Like the Wind Video

The video speaks for itself!

A guarenteed good laugh! Enjoy!~

Posted by Ellen at 05:09 PM eMail this entry!
"Challenged" Animals

Ok, this is totally messed up!

I laughed so hard I literally peed in my pants. (sorry for your computer chair Scott)

Posted by Ellen at 05:06 PM eMail this entry!
Mall of Eeeeevil

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I am really excited by my prospects for world domination. Thanks to you, I've read the manual, practiced my evil laugh, and even have a henchmanperson or two all raring to go. But now I have a problem! How does a future world dictator acquire the trappings needed to be taken seriously in the Evil Organization field? I need uniforms, lairs, heavy arms, and at least a superweapon or two. Is there any place out there that can help me distinguish my evil group in the increasingly crowded field of conspiratorial organizations? Help!"

Fear not, villain-to-be! AMCGLTD is here to help! VillainSupply.com is now available for all your evil needs. Choose from their many categories like "Traps & Torture", "Lairs & Bases", and "Henchperson Gear" to get your organization started out right. When you're ready, their knowledgeable sales staff is there to assist you when choosing from their wide assortment of superweapons and doomsday devices. A recent check on their website reveals a special on weapons-grade plutonium that simply can't be beat! Don't delay a moment longer, your plans for ultimate conquest await!

Posted by scott at 01:19 PM eMail this entry!
A Guy's Life

Might be old to you, but I'd never seen Life as a Guy. Have sketchbook, will travel. I should say something like, "yup, welcome to PMS from a guy's point of view." But of course, that would be sexist, whiney, stupid, and simply not true.

Right?

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2003
Stupid Bunny Tricks

What do a rabbit, a digital camera, and a pancake have in common?

Well, ok, I don't know either. You decide.

Note: No rabbits were harmed!

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
Bunny: 1, Computer Geek: 0

Slashdot featured this website detailing the misadventure of a rescued bunny and what happened when he was left in a room with a computer in it. I file this one under "dur", because, while I've never owned one, it's always been my understanding that you do not leave bunnies indoors unsupervised. When you're done playing with them back into the cage they should go!

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
April 20, 2003
What Every Guy Should Have in His Toolbox

I gotta get me one of these:

A 73-year-old man who used an air raid siren to stun his wife into submission has had it confiscated by German police.
Posted by scott at 12:10 PM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2003
Advice, for the Rest of Us

Tired of trying to measure up to God, but still wondering what a certain situation calls for? Don't ask about Jesus, ask what would Judas do?

Posted by scott at 04:20 PM eMail this entry!
Periodic Table of OOK OOK

If it's from the man show, you know it's going to be a) stupid, b) vulgar, c) offensive, and d) funny, usually all at the same time. This man show periodic table of manly elements is absolutely no exception.

Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
Dude, that's So not Cool

It's one thing to drive a boxy boring reliable car, it's a whole other when that car tries to set your ass on fire. Literally.

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2003
I'm not Dead Yet!

Ah, the internet, a system designed, really grown, by geeks with a very low tolerance for moron-itude. The internet's search engines don't ask to catalog a site, they just do, so if someone puts amusing but confidential stuff up without locking the door, well, it usually doesn't take very long until someone jiggles the knob.

Damion will not be surprised to hear the person ultimately responsible for the goof was a designer.

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2003
So That's Why Mac Guys Always have the Cool Consoles

This mac "switch" parody takes awhile to get to you, but is well worth it.

"The confusing thing about PCs is, there's, like so many games. But on the mac, there's just six."

Posted by scott at 02:27 PM eMail this entry!
Furniture Funny

So that's what happened to the damned couch.

Warning: If the sounds of stop-motion furniture boinking could get you in trouble at work, wait until you get home to see it.

Ok, the whole site's a hoot, go see it. Via Da Goddess.

Posted by scott at 02:14 PM eMail this entry!
SNAFU in Baghdad

I'm sure some lefty out there will take this story about the trials and tribulations of the "new combined" Iraqi/US police force as a sign of our incompetence and doom, but to me it's actually a sign of hope. People may be getting confused, but they're not getting dead, and the only thing that got hurt was a bank vault. Soldiers aren't trained in policing, they're trained in killing things and breaking stuff. I'm not sure how many of the Iraqi police are trained at all. Considering what they have to work with, they seem to be doing OK right now.

I laughed out loud at this quote though:

"[The Iraqi police] are very eager to do their job, but it's hard because we just can't talk to each other," said [Marine Corporal] Weeks. "And they have a different way of enforcing justice. They want us to shoot everybody."
Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
Evil How-To

Ellen, Reverend Heathen, Nina, Michele over at ASV, the HSW, and Zod over at Silflay should all take careful note of Captain Electro's Guide to Ultimate Evil. From "focusing your feelings" to Image and Fashion to Evil Theme Music and much much more, it's all there. And all the rest of you, be sure to help the evil doer in your live by passing this one around.

I'd include the cats's names, but they probably already have a copy.

Posted by scott at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
I'm Pretty Sure This was a Simpsons Episode

As far as I know, only Homer Simpson himself would be dumb enough to cook pork chops over an open flame with kegs of gunpowder nearby. Truely amazing nobody was killed, which is why it's funny.

Posted by scott at 10:11 AM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2003
Waitaminute, Wasn't This a Warner Bros. Cartoon?

Dog sees cat. Dog chases cat. Cat runs toward cliff edge. Dog runs toward cliff edge. Cat jumps into tree.

Dog doesn't

(No worries... everyone ended up fine. That'll teach 'em to look where they're running!)

Posted by scott at 05:51 PM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2003
When Finals Attack

Everyone used to make finals week out to be the worst thing in the world, yet it ended up like that old saying about combat: "long hours of utter boredom punctuated with moments of abject terror." We would stage mock watergun battles, have chugger contests, and all other manner of juvenile goofiness. This guy just went the extra mile to do a picture of every "smiley" available on AIM

Yeah, it's stupid, but I bet you smiled a little anyway. That's the point! I mean, what was the craziest thing you did during finals week (highschool or college)?

Posted by scott at 02:36 PM eMail this entry!
Why You Should Never Borrow a Cell Phone

You knew someone was going to eventually do it. Yup, Purring Kitty turns your Nokia cellphone into a "discreet, vibrating massager". For, umm... "personal relaxation" I'm sure.

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
Is That a Pager in Your Pants, or are You Just Glad to See Me?

There's not much I can add to this one: remote control, vibrating panties. The dongle (no, really, that's what they're called, I swear) looks a lot like what you open a car with. A great practical joke would be to give it to, say, the mechanic, who would keep hitting it wondering why the damned door isn't opening.

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2003
Inside Joke

Ok, you have to be in computers to really get this one, but trust me, it's funny.

Posted by scott at 04:43 PM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2003
Anti-Rice

It starts like this:

Dear Sport Compact,
First off, let me just say that your mag is the best my friend is subscriber and I steel his copy every month before he even reads it now he wants to kick my ass but I told him instead of fighting we should have a heads up doorslammer only problem he has a Mazda MX-6 with the turbo motor and my Sentra cant keap up I mean my car is fixed up and all but I spend most my money giving it the looks I have full aero and pearl paint and lower three inches and even sub dubs for rims I spend so much on paint and body I have not money left to beat my friends turbo and now he says if I loose hes going pound my ass into the ground can you help me go faster thanks you guys rock.

The challenge: Get a riced-up econobox to do a 1/4 mile run in less than 14.5 seconds.

The problem: Your budget is $0. As in, not-even-the-lint-in-your-pockets $0.

The solution: One word... Sawzall.

Ok, from now on every time Damion threatens my car with a come-along and a tree I'm going to brandish a sawzall at his. Hey, it'll make it go faster, I have proof!

Check the pictures out, then go back and read the text, which is every bit as funny.

Posted by scott at 12:26 PM eMail this entry!
When You Gotta Go, Fast

Just think, one of these days I'll be able to tell my kid I can remember a time when toilet seats were made out of wood, or plastic, not this fancy damned carbon fiber stuff they have now. God knows what the toilet paper will look like.

Posted by scott at 11:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 11, 2003
Signs of the Times

Found this bit of funny about the real signs that should be carried through the streets of Baghdad. Via A Small Victory.

Posted by scott at 06:40 PM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2003
Simon Says, "F***"

Remember that funky old computer game Simon? No? Ah, young grasshopper, it was one of the very first computer games "that's fun for all ages". Shaped like a UFO with four colored "paddles" around a center speaker, when you pressed GO it would play a tune and flash a light under one of the paddles. You had to repeat the pattern exactly, which ended up being pretty goddamned tough as it got longer and longer. That was about as good as computer games got in 1979, it really was.

My mom loved the thing, but since it didn't involve blowing anything up my brother and I tired of it eventually. However, if it had been like this Simon, we probably would've played it longer. Then the thing would've been echoing what my mom said when she played it!

(It's a joke mom, laugh!)

Multilingual no less! What an interesting way to learn a new language!

Posted by scott at 01:28 PM eMail this entry!
100 Reasons

Another oldie-but-goodie, the 100 Reasons it's Great to be a Guy gave me a case of the giggles for sure.

Interestingly, Drumwaster's list is a little different, but since his permalinks weren't working I had to go dig around and find a different one. Scroll down to see his. Enjoy!

Posted by scott at 10:45 AM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2003
Minty!

Dream of that minty fresh ass ?

Need to feel fresh all over? Spearmint fresh?

If you do, Sphinchterine is the product for you!

ps. It tingles !- (not from personal experience)

Posted by Ellen at 06:23 PM eMail this entry!
Wankers!

This pictures just says it all. You know it was some marine who helped them with the phrasing...

Via Little Green Footballs.

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
PWEETA

Yeah, I know, it's old news to you, but I'd sure never seen it before... PWEETA has a web site! Yes, the People Who Enjoy Eating Tasty Animals have struck yet again with a web site for the Rest of Us. Not to be missed: the PWEETA movie, wherein you hear the quote: "hormones are good for you because they make you horny!"

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
Smoke 'em if Ya Got 'em

The only thing that would make this better is if the owner of the house was the one who flicked the cigarette:

A March 28 fire that damaged a home was caused by "the careless use of smoking materials by a bird," Mayor Stephen R. Reed said Tuesday.

I distinctly remember nearly getting myself set on fire when some moron flicked a butt out of her SUV, which promptly bounced across the pavement, up the hood of my car, and across my shoulder. Was very exciting for a bit.

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2003
Cheech & Chong at the Arcade

Cheech: "C'mon dude, I scored a roll of quarters off dat old lady in da laundramat, let's hit the arcade!"

Chong: "Nah man, I'm like, totally not into violence any more, man."

Cheech: "What?!? Naah... you're not killing anyone man, you're just like, venting your pent up agression because the man is keepin' you down."

Chong: "That's right man! It's, like, all the man's fault, man! Keepin' me down, takin' my stash, and, like... uh... I dunno... other stuff man!"

Cheech: "That's right dude! And so you're gonna go to da arcade with me so you can vent your pent up aggression while I go check out that hot new latina they got workin' the front counter."

Chong: "Ah man, I still can't go man. I can never figure those damn games out... they're always like, beep beep beep beep beep, man."

Cheech: "Don't worry about it dude, I was there yesterday, and, like, I found the perfect game for you!"

Posted by scott at 02:59 PM eMail this entry!
Silly Cop List

Damion gets a black-and-white no-prize for sending us the world's silliest cop "top 10" list. You've seen at least some of them, but, I mean, the world just can't have too much soopa-fly music, ok?

Posted by scott at 01:50 PM eMail this entry!
You Might be a Dumbass if...

You try to hold up a bank with a trash bag. Yet another example of someone turning to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else. Of course, it had to be in Arkansas, Pine Bluff no less. If they gave the street address of the bank I could probably tell you how to drive there. Not that you, anyone, would want to.

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2003
File this One Under, "DUR"

Western representational governments are tacky, messy, and inefficient. Almost everyone with an advanced sociology degree knows either privately or publicly that various forms of social control must be exercised to ensure the fair and equitable distribution of resources. Because this tends to be politically unpopular, such controls must be excersised by beauracrats shielded from the political process.

Of course, this completely ignores the problem that sometimes beauracracies need to be told that, for example, harpooning and "harvesting" whales is, well, bad for a country who's huge tourist economy is driven at least partially by whale watchers.

I don't care what you think about whales, or the environment, or tourism. I want you to note that, were it not for Iceland's free media and elected government, you really would be seeing a country destroying its own economy on the whim of pigheaded nationalistic scientists who just want to poke the international community in the eye, consequences bedamned.

Posted by scott at 02:34 PM eMail this entry!
Angry Guy

Yeah, he's obnoxious, and almost certainly single, but this guy's take on the "26 things a 'perfect' guy should do definitely gave me a chuckle. When Ellen wasn't around, of course. ;)

Posted by scott at 09:24 AM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2003
Star Bloopers

A guide to Star Wars Bloopers.

Over 200 to look at!

Posted by Ellen at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2003
Totally Absurd

Damion gets a patented no-prize for bringing Totallyabsurd.com to our attention. A collection of the weirdest actual patents ever assigned, it really shows you just how bad it can get when creative people have too much time on their hands. Not to be missed:

  • The ultraski, for those too lazy to actually push themselves.
  • The "Wonder Butt Bra". Don't you just hate saggy butts? Have one yourself? This is for you!
  • The 12-gauge golf club. Sad thing is my brother and my dad would probably be keenly interested in it.
  • AT-AS, the all-terrain attack stroller (well, ok, no weapons, but it probably has mounts). Definitely something to put on the survivalist baby shower registry.
  • The Boat Ball. Ummm... yeah, ok, really don't know where to start with that one.
  • And finally... The Bird Trap Cat Feeder. Protect your strawberries and feed your cat at the same time!

I guess it just goes to show that idea you had yesterday wasn't nearly as dumb as you thought it might be.

Posted by scott at 01:58 PM eMail this entry!
The "Qok" of Umm Qsar

Yet another guy blogging from the front brings us this cautionary tale of why it's never a good idea to leave expensive camera equipment where curious GI's can get to it. Especially if the owner of the camera works for a major media outlet and likes to take... interesting... pictures.

Via Misha.

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
Cheech & Chong on Spring Break

Chong: "Hey man, like," sssswwwwp "move over man, I can't see the beach."

Cheech: "Heh... this is pretty cool man. All these chicks," fffwwwwwp "all the college doods drunk off their ass."

Chong: "Yeah man, and you know what's even better?" ssssssswp

Cheech: "No dude, what?"

[long pause]

Chong: "Yeah man, that'd be, like, so awesome."

Cheech: "Whatever man. Oh shit dude! Check it out! We're down to our last joint!"

Chong: "Yeah, man, sorry about that, forgot to tell you, some chicks in bikinis came by and, like, wanted some. Or something."

Cheech: "You mean you gave them our entire stash?!? What's wrong with you dude?!?"

Chong: "Chill out man, I got it all figured out."

Posted by scott at 09:49 AM eMail this entry!
A Quiz for the Rest of Us

You knew it was bound to happen some day, so go ahead [Joanie :) ], find out which online test you are

Note: If a picture of an ugly white guy flipping the bird at you would be considered not safe for work, well, then this site isn't. Otherwise enjoy!

Posted by scott at 08:53 AM eMail this entry!
Dead Men Don't Wear Cossacks

Proof that at least a little of the Soviet beauracracy is still alive, we have this story of a man trying to prove he is not dead. Actually, I remember this sort of stuff happening all the time when I was a kid as the IRS and Social Security offices began to rely more heavily on computers. Still, how much would you Python fans give to walk up to a judge and yell, "I'm not dead yet!"

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2003
Diary of a Deer Hunter

Speaking of oldies but goodies, this secret diary of a deer hunter goes back to at least 1981, when I and a few of my friends re-typed it out of the old Arkansas Gazette and submitted it to our Junior High newspaper. Nina should make sure Billy reads it, if he hasn't seen it already. Still gives me a good chuckle.

Posted by scott at 10:28 AM eMail this entry!
A Classic Dog and Elk Show ... Waitaminute... Elk?

It takes a little while to really build up steam, but this is definitely one of the funniest dog stories I've read in a long time.

Via Yourish and Site Essential.

Posted by scott at 09:38 AM eMail this entry!
Why Teenage Boys Should Never Have Credit Cards

Because they do things like this:

Authorities are investigating whether to press charges after a 15-year-old patient at University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children's Hospital sought out an escort service for sex during his hospital stay this week, according to the Ann Arbor News.

Well, it's not like he picked up a street walker or anything.

Posted by scott at 08:05 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2003
Well, That's One Way to Do It

Looks like at least one right-winger is literally trying to get people who don't like this country to leave. One way ticket to anywhere else comin' right up...

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2003
8-bit D&D

Ok, the 8-bit graphics make it look kind of weird, but swear to god 8-bit D&D is almost exactly the way I spent far too many Friday nights when I was in college. Except there were usually 7-10 guys instead of just 3-4. No surprise most of the games started at 6 pm and didn't wind up until 2 am. And those were the fast ones.

I always wondered why chicks didn't want to hang out with us. Now I understand all too well.

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
I Wonder if There's a Catch Limit?

First squirrel fishing, now chicken fishing. Farmers have too much time on their hands in the off-season.

Via Greeblie.

Posted by scott at 11:28 AM eMail this entry!
But Sir, I Already Am!

Oh the story is a really lame thing about wacks mailing marines a little "prayer guide", but what I think is funny is the headline:

US soldiers in Iraq asked to pray for Bush

Heheheheheheheheheheheh... you said bush... heheheheheheheheheh!

Posted by scott at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
You Want Me to Eat What?!?

The diet industry has certainly come a long way, as evidenced by this collection of Weight Watcher "diet recipie cards" from 1974 will show. Not to be missed: Mackarel Pudding. No, that's not a typo. Also watch the titles of each card's web page.

I wonder if my mom had to go through any of these...

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2003
Ah, if Only it were Peter Arnett

At least one correspondent is taking a cue from US sports broadcasting by broadcasting "live" war reports from a broom closet while reading wire dispatches. I wonder if he's got a guy standing behind him banging on stuff when he needs sound affects?

Sad thing is, his reporting was probably just as good as our own monkeys!

Posted by scott at 03:38 PM eMail this entry!
The Car-ma Sutra

I love Italy! Where else would a city set aside a parking garage specifically for making woopie?

The Tuscan town of Vinci, more commonly known for its Renaissance artist son Leonardo, is renovating a car park complete with soft lighting and special trash bins for condoms.

l'Italia lungamente in tensione!
(did that via google, so it probably is making every Italian double over in laughter... in theory it says "Long live Italy!" Correct translations welcome!)

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2003
Bunny Boilers

Stories of psychopathic boyfriends and girlfriends.

Rather funny site. Check it out!

Posted by Ellen at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2003
An Article Everyone Should Read (*PAT*)

Just in time for April Fools, we have this summary of new and used hoaxes for your prank protection. After my mom got bit by the SULFNBK.EXE hoax, I think she's a little more critical, but it never hurts to be sure.

Posted by scott at 07:50 AM eMail this entry!
Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Stoned

Because when they do their friends do things like wave bags of grass at uniformed cops on their way to work.

Chong: "Oh man, that sucks man. I bet he thought it was his old lady."

Cheech: "Nah, he prolly just wanted directions to da Wendys, you know?"

Posted by scott at 07:39 AM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2003
Set Praise = Lord && Pass = Amunition

You go gramma! I especially liked this quote:

"I would have used a shotgun [instead of my .357 magnum], but I had just had new countertops done and I didn't want to tear up the kitchen."

See, even when defending ourselves in our own homes Americans don't want to break stuff when we don't have to.

And always remember, don't f*ck with gramma, 'cos she just might pop a cap in yer ass for bothering her.

Posted by scott at 02:24 PM eMail this entry!
But It's a Dry Heat

Wow, and I thought Arkansas summers were bad. Check out what it was like in Dayton Ohio yesterday!

Can you say software bug? I knew you could...

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
When Beds Attack

I've got in-laws coming to visit in April. I wonder who I'm going to put on the sofa bed. Hint: rhymes with "cleaner". :)

Posted by scott at 08:20 AM eMail this entry!
Pyramid of Speed

Found this funny bit on one of my mail lists. Skip the over-wordy introduction and find out just where, or even if, you live on the pyramid of speed.

Posted by scott at 08:09 AM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2003
A New Kind of Board Game

Errm... this is kind of bizarre. I would not think this would be a family board game to play.

Thank god it's just a cartoon!

Posted by Ellen at 06:12 PM eMail this entry!
A 12-Step Program for M. Moore et. al.

Found this nice 12-step program for the liberal in your life. My mom is starting to wobble leftward to an alarming degree lately, it may be time for an intervention...

Via Drumwaster's rants.

Posted by scott at 01:00 PM eMail this entry!
Jamming 'em Up

All the press monkeys were in such an uproar over "GPS jamming systems". While I'm sure all the journalism majors were surprised, I wasn't when we announced their atomization.

Ok, cluebat time folks... "jamming" a radio signal works* by flooding a certain frequency with a signal stronger than the one you want to listen to. When you are driving down a highway and one radio station gradually replaces another in your car, in a sense the new radio station is "jamming" the old one.

Let's say you were really really ticked off at, say, WJFK because you hate Don and Mike, and you wanted to just completely shut them down. All you'd need to do is get a transmitter to broadcast static on the same frequency as WJFK, and have that signal be more powerful than the radio station's. When you turn your transmitter on, suddenly everyone within a certain distance to your transmitter listening to WJFK is now listening to static. You're jamming the signal.

Now, note for this to work you need a transmitter. Something that emits a signal stronger than the original. As anyone who has ever tried to pick up a ballgame on one of those portable TVs knows, most types of radio signals are directional. A jammer by definition has to be pretty powerful to work at all, so it's usually pretty trivial to triangulate the location and shut it down. If you're the FCC, you use guys in suits.

If you're the military, you use a bomb.

Posted by scott at 11:39 AM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2003
Wang Parade!

I've actually read about the Japanese fertility celebrations in various books, but hadn't actually seen any pictures of the event. Until now.

Update: even more pics of the same parade are here. I especially like the glasses and... umm... "nose" disguise. Oh come on, I know you at least smiled at this. It's an ancient fertility ritual for f's sake. Lighten up! :)

Warning: Filed under "funny" because I think it is, and none of the pictures represent willies actually attached to a person. However, some workplaces might not agree with me. You've been warned. :)

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
The Sun "Escalates" the Situation

Proving that an entire country is no match for one plucky British tabloid, the Sun is at it again, this time "attacking" a French costal patrol vessel moored near Tower Bridge on the Thames. Not to worry, as all they fired at them was a few sacks of feathers. Go Sun!

Via On the Third Hand

Posted by scott at 08:43 AM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2003
Redneck Water Fountain

I dunno man, I'm sure tushyClean is a legitimate product with many satisfied customers. Knowing me, though, Ellen would push the lever and end up in the front yard. Don't forget, comes in a variety of colors!

Posted by scott at 05:23 PM eMail this entry!
For the ***-hole with Everything

TidyButt, when not just any enema will do. Ok, it's official, you can buy absolutely anything on the internet.

Posted by scott at 04:55 PM eMail this entry!
Funny, I Thought Alcohol was Enough

Where malted marketing meets herbal managerie, we present the new power drink.

Posted by scott at 04:41 PM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2003
There's a Reason They Use Bags

Eh, he's a bank robber, the guys in a rush, right? No time to be all neat about it, just wave a gun around, grab a bunch of money, and haul ass, right? No bag? No problem! Just stick it in your pants and head on out. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
C'mon, Tell Us What You Really Think

Jeff gets 2 no-prizes in one day for bringing the latest news about the UK's Sun and its one-paper crusade to pull some stuffing out of France's Pres. I dunno, calling him a "harlot" is probably a bit harsh.

But only a bit.

And if this wasn't just about French nationalism then please tell me why their elite is getting the vapors over a goofy British tabloid?

Posted by scott at 11:23 AM eMail this entry!
That's My Kind of Wrong Number!

Screwing up the digits of a phone number can have interesting results, especially when it's a helpline, that gets routed to a phone sex line.

Something similar happened to my workplace awhile back. We had a 1-800 number for our helpline, and a 1-888 number so people could call the office toll-free. The president of the board was trying to get the office but instead of dialing 1-888-[office number], she dialed 1-888-[helpline number]. The results were, shall we say, colorful.

Posted by scott at 10:09 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2003
Why You Should Always Read the Packaging
Posted by scott at 04:16 PM eMail this entry!
Finally, a Kit that Does Some Good

What with Iraqi soldiers surrendering weeks in advance of any actual hostilities, having something white to wave at an ROV or an unsuspecting foreign journalist might be a problem. Not to worry, the folks over at Slycraft novelties have come up with this convenient surrender kit that you can mail to Iraq to help with the cause! From the site:

American Citizens... Do Your DUTY!
SPONSOR A SOLDIER IN SADDAM'S REPUBLICAN GUARD!

Update: And don't forget to order your set of genuine american brass balls. Mail 'em to your French friends, so at least they'll know what real ones look like.

Update 2: Also not to be missed: the Gulf War drinking game (via The Lex Files).

Posted by scott at 12:18 PM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2003
For the Nerd Who has Everything

I dunno. I think we're just going to let the Instant Girlfriend Kit speak for itself.

What I find kinda scary is it went for 44 bucks.

Posted by scott at 11:29 AM eMail this entry!
FYI

Just thought you all should know, horses and swimming pools don't mix. Not to worry, everything turned out OK at the end. Some horses got loose and started wandering around, eventually one of them stumbled into a swimming pool. I especially like the fact that the trapped horse's buddies stood around and stared at her the whole time.

Posted by scott at 08:42 AM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2003
Finally, Proverbs You Can Use

Ever wonder what "couch bombing" was? What exactly was involved in a "Rear Admiral"? Have a feeling that sometimes a "snowball" wasn't just a lump of frozen water?

Well, ok, neither did I. But this collection of dirty proverbs was funny nonetheless. Amuse your friends! Scandalize the neighbors! Make mom and dad wonder what the hell you're talking about (again)!

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
For the Girl Who has Everything

It's the Camel Toe Cup! Amaze your friends!

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2003
The Dog's Life

Aaron is learning valuable lessons about a girl and her dog (see the March 7th entry of Heather's journal [you'll need to scroll down, site is not particularly safe for work]). Thing is, all you have to do is change each ocurrance of "dog" into "cat" and you have a frighteningly close accounting of my own life. Times five, of course. Plus vomit.

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2003
A Drinking Game

Remember the Sunday Night Sex Show I talked about one time?

Apparently, someone has come up with a drinking game to play during the show!

Get all your friends together, watch, drink, be merry. Maybe someone would get lucky after the show.

Posted by Ellen at 06:51 PM eMail this entry!
The Messy Part of Assimilation

I giggle at this collection of funny (but real!) Microsoft support error messages, but then I realize a bunch of them come from having to tell users exactly what to do. Twice. After their third call.

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2003
And People Say I have Too Much Time on My Hands

Problem: Beer is warm, don't want to wait for the fridge.

Solution: Build a gas turbine (i.e. jet engine) to cool your beer in the garage.

Sometimes when women say men are weird, I think they're full of it. Sometimes though, I'm not so sure.

But then, of course, I realize this guy has a working jet engine in his garage that he built himself and all I can say is, cool

Oook ook ook.

Posted by scott at 12:33 PM eMail this entry!
Stoners is as Stoners Does

In yet another example of someone turning to crime because they're too stupid to do anything else, we have one Nolberto Salinas, who decided to see just how fast a Ford Escort could go with 300 pound of pot in the back.

We used to get this all the time back in Arkansas. The troopers who patrolled I-40, a major east-west national route, were very cautious most of the time because a notable percentage of the speeders they caught were moronic drug trafficers capable of anything. It made getting stopped for expired tags a pretty intense experience, I can tell you.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
March 11, 2003
The More Things Change

Well, this little ditty over at Little. Yellow. Different. proves to me that no matter where they are, where they come from, or what language they speak, mothers are all the same. I have had nearly this exact same conversation in southern-tanged English every time I've gotten sick. Except for the "bastardized American" part. Mom normally says "stupid male" at that point.

Posted by scott at 04:36 PM eMail this entry!
Blame Canada!

See, thing is, I think there are a lot of Canadians who'd vote for at least some of the stuff on this list of the worst things about Canada. Especially the part about Brian Adams. Gah. Go do it for someone else man...

In the interest of equal time, things I like about our nothr'n neighbor:

  1. Molson. Duh.
  2. Toronto. I've never seen it, but anyplace they film the X-files has to have something cool going on.
  3. Quebec. Provides a much more local group of Frenchies to make fun of (oh stop it, I know you make fun of them too).
  4. Reminds me to smile when people around here start freaking out over 3" of snow.
  5. Backbacon... mmmm...
  6. Seargent Preston of the Ukon, a show I used to get up at 5:00 am every morning to watch in syndication. Although I have a feeling it wasn't produced by Canadians.
  7. Sue Johansen. Boy, you Canadians sure are fascinated with, as she calls it, "bum sex". Seems like every 3rd call she takes is about the "no-no" place.

Oh, I'm sure there's more. What's your list look like?

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2003
There but for the Grace of God...

Probably the only reason I didn't end up with tigers in my wedding party is 'cos Ellen didn't think of it. If we'd had it in NY or VA instead of Jamaica I betcha I would've had a feline ring bearer. Even if the cat ate the ring it'd be no problem, as ours do an "Exorcist" imitation almost on cue.

Posted by scott at 10:45 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2003
Dog Shit

This is an obvious thing that may happen to you when you walk into a PetsMart or a Petco. You encounter dog shit. *Clean up in aisle 4 * Since I worked in a Banfield animal hospital inside a PetsMart, it really does not surprise me that something like this actually happened.

Many people who take their dogs into the pet stores pretend to not notice what their dog is doing. We used to have a food display next to the wall in front of our front desk and watch people LET their dogs take a big long piss on the bags of prescription food and then watch them look down, look around and pretend it did not happen.

Not with me around.

"Excuse me!?? Your dog just urinated on that bag of food."

"Oh? He did?", person looks very surprised. Person tries to walk away.

*Intercom to entire store turns on* " Clean up at food counter by Banfield! I have a code yellow! Can I have a manager for assistance!" *note, there is no ? mark, it means they need to come and assist* Don't forget that I insterted the evil smile back at the owner.

What usually happens next is the manager comes over and makes the person purchase the bag of food. Which they should.

The best is when they let their dogs take a massive shit on the floors,and just look around, make sure no one saw it, and walk away. They DO have those little baggie centers with a small trash can for you to clean up after your pet. Do they use them? Many do, the majority don't. *Many of these people have no idea that the offices are watching everything on the security video- thats how you can tell if something was really an accident or something deliberatly left behind*

Remember, you are there to shop for pet supplies and have a good time with your dog. It's not an outdoor park for your dogs to take a shit and piss in and make a cashier clean up after the pooch. Consider it a privilage for once to take your pet shopping. Most small, private owned pet shops still won't allow pets on a leash in the shops due to this problem.

Posted by Ellen at 08:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2003
As We Go / Grifting Merrily Along

The #1 rule of grifting is to con the mark in such a way that they don't want to turn you in. Like when a stranger walks up and offers to sell electronics to you on the street. Of course there's always one who's too dumb to understand it's at least half their own fault and calls the cops anyway, and ruins it, but what's a crook to do?

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2003
Insert Obligatory Irish Joke Here

See, I'd always heard rumors about yankee weddings, because they have open bars that [whisper]serve alcohol[/whisper]. I've attended several now, and have been roundly disappointed by the friendliness, openness, and general fun-ness of the people attending. Where were the brawls? Where were the rude people? Turns out I just wasn't going to the right wedding!

No more making fun of trailer trash weddings now, mmkay?

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
Because You Know 4 is Really Close to 9, Man

CHEECH: "Heey man, I got da", ssswwwpp, "munchies man. I wanna order some pizza."

CHONG: "Cool dude! I want, like, pie on mine."

"Pie?!? Dude, what are you talking about?"

"Well man, I always heard everyone talking about this, like," fwwwwppp, "great pizza pie man, and, like, I wanted to, you know man, try it. Or something."

*Giggle* "Dude, it's a pizza pie," sssswwppp, "not a pizza with pie."

"Nah man, I know I saw one, with, like, pineapple on it." fffwwwwwp. "That shit looked good, man."

"Ok, ok, that's cool that's cool, pineapple it is. Hey dude, what's the number to da Pizza place anyway?"

"Dude, I don't know man," fffwwwwwwp, "why don't you just, like, dial information?"

Posted by scott at 11:29 AM eMail this entry!
Ummm.... huh?

When reindexing attacks... check out Wal Mart's description of The Hobbit. Wow. Someone finally "outed" Bilbo.

Update: Yeah, they fixed it, but we still have the screen shot!

Posted by scott at 08:34 AM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2003
Husband 1.0

Everyone by now has probably heard the "Wife 1.0" joke (if you haven't do a google search on that, it'll pop right up). What I hadn't seen before was the Husband 1.0 bank-shot. Found via gutrumbles, who for all I know composed it.

All girls considering upgrading BoyFriend vX.X take note!

Posted by scott at 04:03 PM eMail this entry!
The Bunny Tests

Great for a silly little laugh, this set of not-quite-science tests were performed on a variant of Ellen's favorite eastertime food... marshmallow bunnies!

SEE them bravely face the laser test
WATCH them get dropped attached to bricks
OBSERVE them bravely giving up their squishy little lives in the name of pseudo-science!

All this and more, more, MORE, discovered for you by the kindly wackos at AMCGLTD!

Update: Yeah, ok, seems to be pretty old (1997!), but it was new to us! Be sure not to miss the sequel, Bunnies Strike Back.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
When Turkeys Attack

Ellen only thought crows were a pain in the rear. Imagine having the same sorts of problems with turkeys.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
Rent-a-Cop, Meet Rent-a-Lawsuit

Of course, not to be outdone, the right occasionaly does things like arrest people over what is on their T-shirts. Actually, reading between the lines, I get the feeling what happend was the rent-a-cops at the mall started it by asking the guy to leave because they disagreed with his politics. The guy then returned the favor by refusing to do so. This is what the cops arrested him for (as far as I know handcuffs are required when someone is actually under arrest, no matter what the offense).

What makes this so delicious is I'll wager these two rent-a-cops were pretty tin-badge heavy and had transformed themselves into food court stormtroopers. I've seen it happen before, and I'll wager you have too. I imagine they had no idea the guy they were picking on this time happened to be a lawyer working for the state. Dogs chase cars because it's fun, but sometimes the car stops and the guy who steps out is holding a bat.

Karma is funny that way, sometimes.

Posted by scott at 09:58 AM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2003
Geeks + Spare Time + Beer =

The Great Goose Egg Experiment, wherin our ... well, ok, "heroes" ... attempt to cook an egg with a hairdryer. No, I'm not real clear why either, but it made for an interesting experiment.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2003
Jewelry only a Man Would Love

Having a mom who is obsessed with jewelry has its uses. Because of this, I know that these toilets can't possibly be solid 24 karat gold, because pure gold is too soft. Way too soft. As I recall, gold that pure is almost as soft as clay. You'd end up leaving butt prints on the seat.

God only knows how much the whole thing weighs. It'll be heavier than lead.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
A New Pidgin

Pidgin as in language, not bird. this Reuters article detailing how a 13 year-old girl "shocked" her teacher by submitting an essay in a variant of "l33t"-speak was amusing on a number of levels:

  • A teacher who thinks alphanumeric characters in a funny arrangement equal "heiroglyphics".
  • A 13 year-old wankette who thought it would be cute to get an F for a unique reason. Hint: it's still an F, dumbass.
  • A press monkey who thought this was all so very interesting it was worth turning into a national news article.

Several years ago I watch my sister-in-law, who at the time was about this kid's age, have probably an hour's conversation using just this sort of shorthand. It was fascinating to me because I was watching someone use a completely new dialect of English, one meant exclusively to be printed and never spoken out loud.

As far as I know (AFAIK!), she still types this way to at least some of her friends.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2003
See ya!

Seems like being a human shield is only fun when they're not shooting at you. The whole article is filled with "no-shit-isms", a choice one being Some peace activists [feared] that they could be stationed at non-civilian sites [during a conflict].

Sometimes I think the line out of Mel Brooks's "Space Balls" is all too true:

Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2003
BANGBANGBANG

What happens when you combine bizzare music with a, well, lack of flash animation skills? I Just Want... BANGBANGBANG of course. Duh.

Posted by scott at 01:20 PM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2003
Mmmm.. Feisty!

Just to prove that the US isn't the only country with really dumb politicians, we have this story of a Canadian MP calling Americans "bastards". The clarification was even better: she was saying it in a "private conversation". With a reporter. In a hall filled with them.

In the game of party politics, this is known as "not helping".

Note: I don't begruge the opinion. I just find all the backpedaling and "oops"-ing after the fact really amusing.

Posted by scott at 12:52 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2003
Things Children Can Teach You.

I found this off of CompleteMother.com.

Things My Children Taught Me

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When you hear the toilet flush and "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Posted by Ellen at 05:57 PM eMail this entry!
When Rice Goes Wrong

On the one hand, you got guys who take their plain Japanese sedans and hotrod them up but don't leave much on the outside to tell. On the other, you have these guys, who, well, don't.

Posted by scott at 05:47 PM eMail this entry!
Hip to be Square

Well, let nobody accuse the entertainment industry of being shallow. They're protesting people's rights! They're protesting against the murder of civilians! They're pro--

"It wasn't very hip [to protest Clinton's military actions]."

Because we all know the #1 factor determining how worthy a cause is does not involve image or the amount of attention it attracts or whether it gives us an opportunity to bash people we don't like.

Right?

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
How to Flat Kill My Sweety, Method #2

Method #1 is stick her in a haunted house and yell BOO at her. Method #2? Method 2 would probably be her opening a package and having a live snake jump out of it. That one would probably do in my mom too. I mean, you should hear her scream when the fish jumps around, and she's not really all that scared of him.

Posted by scott at 11:01 AM eMail this entry!
So Long and Thanks for All the ... Snow?

Lynn over at Reflections in D minor has this polite request to all the Canadians in the world, one which, after spending 2 hours on a commute that normally takes only 40 minutes, we would also like to (politely!) echo. To wit: WE ARE WIMPS AND DO NOT LIKE ALL THIS REALLY F-ING COLD AIR YOU KEEP SENDING US. IT MAKES FUNNY WHITE STUFF FALL FROM THE SKY, AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. TAKE IT BACK! PLEASE!!!

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2003
Peace in Middle Earth

Also found this nice little parody of a news release from the anti-war protestors of Middle Earth.

Posted by scott at 05:05 PM eMail this entry!
Birthing Bloopers

From Japan comes these funny birth-date screwups and blunders. It's not always serious, apparently.

Posted by scott at 10:12 AM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2003
A BJ a Day Keeps Maternity Away

Every Junior High guy in Britain just got a new excuse. "But you see you must go down on me Stephanie, it's what the teachers advised!"

Posted by scott at 01:29 PM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2003
February 18, 2003
Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, Pt II

Pat gets another no-prize for bringing this priceless, if perhaps apocryphal, account of a US Marine Corps. officer's recent encounter with a French officer in Bosnia. Just enough detail to make me think it might be true. Never mess with a jarhead. :)

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2003
Gotta Love Those Typos

Sex Arrested after Man Attacked. You can't make stuff like this up folks.

Posted by scott at 05:45 PM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2003
February 13, 2003
That's No Moon, that's a Kibbutz!

Larry over at ATS took our post on Jedi becoming a religion and ran with it. What would Star Wars have been like if George Lucas had used the Torah instead of Joseph Campbell? Click the link to find out!

Posted by scott at 08:30 PM eMail this entry!
Dress Jesus

Thanks to the Josh over at BlueLens, you can finally dress up Jesus .

Posted by Ellen at 07:08 PM eMail this entry!
World's Most Inappropriate Valentine's Day Gift?

Somehow I don't think this will substitute for a boquet of flowers.

Posted by scott at 11:06 AM eMail this entry!
Say, is That a Lightsaber in your Pocket...

It's official folks, Britain has more Jedis than Jews. The 2001 census report had a write-in blank for religion, and some internet wing-dings got a campaign going to get people to write "Jedi" in the blank. I think it's funny they felt they had to put an explanation at the bottom for what, exactly, a Jedi was.

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
You Just Thought Brakes Were Important on the Highway

Ker-plunk! The thing about an EA6-B prowler going splash into the ocean off the end of a flight deck is, well, they don't have all that many of them left, and aren't building any more. It's funny because nobody got hurt.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2003
Gonads and Strife

The WEEEEEE!!! song.

It's bizarre.

Posted by Ellen at 04:06 PM eMail this entry!
That's not Very Nice
Posted by scott at 12:26 PM eMail this entry!
Missouri Trailer Trash

What a great site. Not only does it give you a tour of Missouri's finest trailer trash folks, but it tells you how to make the perfect trailer lawn and how to be constructive with all those extra car parts laying around.

Do all people do this in front of their trailers?

Posted by Ellen at 09:54 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2003
The Dog Goes... bbrrRRAPP

Battie & Skully get our first double no-prize for this little... um... "ditty"? A little potty humor brightens everyone's day!

Update: According to B, 'twas she who found it. Unfortunately I fed-exed the prize already, so you two will just have to duke it out.

Posted by scott at 03:55 PM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2003
Insert Dell Joke Here

Here's mine:

Dude! Yer goin' ta jail!

The new "intern" group is nearly as obnoxious, but at least I don't want to do the "Homer strangling Bart" thing to them.

Posted by scott at 03:05 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2003
25 Laws of Japanese Animation

This is for my fellow animation nut Damion.

The 25 Laws of Japanese Animation.

Exerpt: #11 - Law of Inherent Combustability: Everything explodes. Everything.

First Corrallary: Anything that explodes bulges first.

Scott and I could not stop howling with laughter!

Posted by Ellen at 06:46 PM eMail this entry!
Even I Knew This Wouldn't Work

Problem: Funny looking people dressing in black and spikey bits keep hanging around your museum scaring the little old ladies because they look funny.

Moronic, didn't-anyone-learn-anything-from-the-60's solution: Play classical music really really loud

Result? More goths show up.

A choice FARK comment:

I've had the easiest time beating the crap out of [frat boys and ganstas], and had the hardest time against drunk Goth chicks (because they usually stab you with things).

Note to self: Make sure Kris doesn't have anything sharp on her next time we go out.

Posted by scott at 10:11 AM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2003
Heads so Soft They Make Nerf Look Like Granite

"We're totally vulnerable out here, yet we're making a wonderful statement." ... "This event derives from the belief that people can do things".

Do things like making a vague statement about your pubic grooming habits you mean?

If you want to send a message, use Western Union.

Posted by scott at 08:22 AM eMail this entry!
February 07, 2003
Tax Deductions

The shit people will attempt to deduct as a tax write off.

Posted by Ellen at 10:58 AM eMail this entry!
One for Ellen & Josh

Say you're a dumbass redneck pothead, and you just scored a really great bag of "recreational herbs". But you have a problem! You don't have anything to roll it in, and it's a long-assed drive to the quik-e-mart to get some good paper. What to do, what to do...

Well, there's always the Bible.

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2003
Great Taste!

Yeah, ok, I'm a pig, but Richie is too and I know he'd appreciate being able to see the extended version of the "catfight" Miller Lite commercial.

Oink Oink Oink...

Posted by scott at 12:10 PM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2003
You What in Peace?!?

Finally, wanking for a good cause!

I mean, it's what most of the protestors are doing anyway, no?

A bank-shot via yourish.

Posted by scott at 02:52 PM eMail this entry!
Now There's a Church I'd go to

Josh over at bluelens gets a heiroglyphic-enscribed no-prize for bringing the Landover Baptist Church to our attention, wherein you will find the answer to that perennial question, "Can Star Trek Help Us Understand Muslims?"

Yeah, it's old to you, but it's new to us! :)

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
Gloom, Dispair, and Agony on Me

From the people who brought us de-motivational posters, we now are happy to present Bittersweets, the Valentine candy for the rest of us. Be sure to scroll down and check out the designs.

Posted by scott at 11:02 AM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2003
Why do I Hate Pressmonkeys so Much?

Because they do things like this:

Posted by scott at 11:22 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2003
Is That a Sausage in Your Pocket...

Proof that the US isn't the only country skittish about terrorists, we bring you this story relating how a giant police reaction was triggered by someone mistaking a salami for an assault rifle.

To paraphrase Dr. Freud, sometimes a sausage is just a sausage.

Posted by scott at 08:09 AM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2003
In Perspective

I was going to write an essay about how the press monkeys are going to start running stories calling for the end of manned space flight, but scrappleface does a much better job than I could have.

A bank-shot via ATS.

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2003
A Book I Could Really Use

(A parody of the 2nd Kinsey book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female)

Posted by scott at 07:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2003
I've Heard of Toy Cars Before, but This is Ridiculous

Damion wins a skull-stamped no-prize by sending us this, um, well... "car". If Larry over at Amish Tech ever gets his finances going again, I think this would just be perfect.

Posted by scott at 02:38 PM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2003
Oh Yeah...Scott HATES That I Found This!

A magazine dedicated to the life of a Redneck!

I bring you,Trailer Trash Quarterly

Posted by Ellen at 07:53 PM eMail this entry!
Another Fark Photoshop for Maru & Mom
Posted by Ellen at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2003
Damn Straight

See Ellen, I told you monobrows were cool!. No waxing for me now! WoOt!

Posted by scott at 09:15 PM eMail this entry!
Don't You Say a G-D Thing

Really, what else can you say about a monster truck limo conversion except... YEEEEEEEE. HAWWWWWW!

Posted by scott at 09:12 PM eMail this entry!
Tattoo U.

I so want this tattooed onto me!

Posted by Ellen at 02:03 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2003
W2MW, the Rock n' Roll Edition

(That's Welcome to My World)

Jeff wins a digital no-prize with this collection of really choice technical support stories from around the world. Some of it's old, some of it's new, all of it is funny.

Posted by scott at 02:41 PM eMail this entry!
And Ellen Thought This Place was Bad

After reading Atlanta's reaction to a "dusting" of snow I don't want any of you making fun of how stupid MD/DC/VA drivers are. Unless I do first, that is. Because they stink.

Posted by scott at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2003
Where's Ali Landry When You Need Her?

Oh, those clever Japanese! Tired of pulling that washtub out when Fido has rolled in the garbage? Sick of having to wrestle with the dog just to get them near the tub? Just don't feel like going through the "YEEEHAW I'MDRYI'MDRYIWANTTORUNAROUNDLIKEACOMPLETEWACKNUT" craziness after a bath? AMCGLTD is here to help! We're proud to present to you the dog washing machine. Yep, dog washing machine. Not a typo. Promise.

Posted by scott at 08:58 PM eMail this entry!
Finger Painting with Your Ass?!?

Here is a guy with some real talent.

Not only can he paint with his ass, his nuts and schlong are good at it too!

Posted by Ellen at 08:03 PM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2003
One Eye?

Larry over at Amish Tech Support is in rare form today with this parody of 'purple people eater'.

He's not biased... why do you ask?

Posted by scott at 09:59 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2003
When Morons Attack

Ok, bad enough we have some weird lady putting a feathered fake owl in her front yard, but we also get people complaining to the game wardens about it.

Posted by scott at 01:41 PM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2003
Chasing Switzerland

I know from family stories that when you get lost and land at a high-security military airbase, the authorities are... unsympathetic. Unfortunately I don't know enough of the details to actually tell the story, but I think at least one of our readers does. Maybe if you ask nicely we can get Pat to tell us what happened when my grandad decided to land at a SAC airbase...

Posted by scott at 12:57 PM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2003
Pikacheese!

Ellen used to live and breathe Pikachu, that funny little not-quite rat, not quite teddy bear. Well, now she can eat pikachu!.

Posted by scott at 05:25 PM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2003
Secret Diaries of LOTR

Via crazy-aunt-in-the-attic-to-be Maru, I present to you the Secret Diaries of Cassandra Claire, actually being a collection of the secret diaries of many characters from Lord of the Rings. Apparently an oldie, but v. funny nonetheless.

I'd tell you more, but Sam would kill me if I tried anything.

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
W2MW in comics

(That's Welcome to My World, in case you were wondering)

Wil Wheaton (who needs linkage like a bear needs panties, so look 'im up yerself), brought this cartoon to our attention.

Ellen had something like this happen to her. An apparently very rich, very powerful "Playah" didn't appreciate "having to talk to the help" instead of a "real doctor". Her response was predictable, colorful, and (unjustifiably) required an apology.

Posted by scott at 09:57 AM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2003
Queer Duck

A very rainbow colored No-Prize to Nina!

Queer Duck

Watch EVERY episode in order!

Posted by Ellen at 08:09 PM eMail this entry!
For Nina

My sister's first real present as a baby was the neatest gift (I think) for someone under a year old. It was cute, cuddly, it lit up when you sqeezed it, and she still has it to this day.

I bring you The GloWorm.

My sister has Baby Glo. Baby Glo's body is faded, her cap no longer flips from front to back to switch from awake to sleepy Baby Glo, but she still hangs out with Nina. Along with a pillow case with Dumbo on it that is so faded and thinned out, you can see through the fabric.

Mind you, Baby Glo is 16 years old, and Dumbo Pillow is much older, since it was my brother's and mine pillow case from a sheet set from when we were younger.

Posted by Ellen at 07:50 PM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2003
Mom Always Said They'd Give Me Back

My mom always used to threaten to sell me and my brother to the Gypsies because we were such holy terrors most of the time. "Of course", she'd say, "you two are so awful they'd just bring you back!" To which we, of course, would grin, and then Jeff would go back to throwing the soda cans he'd fished out of the trash at me.

Well, guess what! I now have the 21st century equivalent!

"Maaaa! Daddy's putting me up on e-bay again!"

"Well, hopefully he won't set the minimum bid up so high this time."

"MAAAAAA!!!!!"

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2003
I'm So Glad You're Here to Tell Me These Things

For your edification and enjoyment, we present to you the weirdest warning label of 2002, brought to you by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

Be sure to check the archives, where you'll find gems like:

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

Posted by scott at 08:08 AM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2003
It's Like Operation, Only Funny

Tanika does it again with Boneland Autopsy, a game that's a lot funnier than you'd think from the title.

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 06, 2003
Pets for Food

Jennifer sent us this link! NO PRIZE! :)

Pets For Food.

Need some hamsters for an appetizer? Or how about some whippets for the main course? Find your new style of 'dinner' there!

Posted by Ellen at 05:48 PM eMail this entry!
I'm not Sure What Ours Says Anymore

Sometimes a crappy phone connection can lead to just a bit more than a garbled message.

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2003
Concored + Chicken = BOOM!

So you're France, it's the early 1970s, and you want to build a supersonic transport. Trouble is, nobody knows what, exactly, will happen to people on the ground when this thing goes roaring by. So what do you do? Well, sometimes ya gotta crack some eggs to make an omlet.

I like this part the best:

[The sonic boom test] was characterised by sudden and complete immobility of all the chickens. There was a simultaneous cessation of all the cheeping for a maximum of 40 seconds - whereupon normal activity resumed.

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
I've Heard of Flappin' in the Breeze Before, but This is Ridiculous

Ok, Germany's funniest home videos is way cooler than the American version. The MPEG might take awhile to d/l on your system, but trust me, well worth it. Apparently an oldie, but I'd never seen it before.

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2003
Criminality, Thy Name is Moron

Not only could these teenage morons not drive a stick shift when they tried to steal a pizza delivery car, they also gave their home address to lure the pizza guy in.

Swear to god, most 18 year old men are simply hairless chimps.

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
January 02, 2003
Check the Damn Sign!

OK, before you got to a protest, PLEASE make sure any posters, banners ect. are spell checked!

Or you will wind up with a dumb shit like this. This must of occured in the south ;) (lol)

Posted by Ellen at 06:38 PM eMail this entry!
Ah-HA! Finally I Found You!

I found the link but lost it, now have found it again. The weenies over at fark always used this image of what looked an awful lot like a college chick after just a few too many hits of the ol' recreational herbs in their photoshop contests. It took me ages (which shows how lame I am, because this is totally last year's news to most geekoids out there) to figure out that 1) this was a macintosh ad, 2) what that ad looked like, and 3) Steve Jobs has finally gone off his rocker. Jobs has his fingers in everything over there now, I'm convinced of it, so he had to know.

You be the judge... stoner, or not?

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
Drinky-Poo

Tenika over at Butterfly Wings showed great intelligence but somewhat questionable taste by linking us up on her weblog. Our thanks!

While poking around over there I found this goofy ditty for your enjoyment.

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
January 01, 2003
Now Why Didn't We Think of That?

Even with all the Bunnypantsing, I'm not sure Maru ever thought about just booting him out of the country. Wow. I just thought of a kind of reverse-survior style game. Each time a celebrity does something stupid, whines about something they're not even remotely qualified to comment on, or takes a trip to a country in the name of "international relations", they're name goes on a list. At the end of the year, we vote on the list, and the top 10 get to take a one-way cruise to Antartica.

Who would I vote off the country? Let's see...

  1. Michael Moore
  2. Trent Lott
  3. John Ashcroft
  4. Noam Chomsky
  5. Sean Penn
  6. Barbara Streisand
  7. Madonna
  8. That stoned chick on the MacIntosh commercial
  9. Al Gore
  10. Michael Bloomberg

Who's on your anti-survivor list?

Posted by scott at 05:58 PM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2002
Another Great Alfa?

When I see an Alfa, I see great engineering, style, and sophistication. When my brother sees an Alfa, he sees this. Ellen, of course, thought they were cute.

Posted by scott at 01:27 PM eMail this entry!
When Translators Attack

You think it's embarassing to ask personal questions of your own doctor. Imagine what it's like when English is your second language.

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
December 24, 2002
Well, There Was This One Time...

Villiage Voice has this extremely R-rated article about most embarassing sex moments during the holidays. Funny, but very "blue". You have been warned!

Posted by scott at 03:23 PM eMail this entry!
"Granny" & "Grampy": LOCK NEENAH UP NOW!

'Cos, you know, otherwise, things might happen.

Posted by scott at 11:26 AM eMail this entry!
How Not to Impress God
Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
December 23, 2002
I Bet Her Husband is Just Glad it Wasn't Him

My mom doesn't have to worry about throwing away jewelry. She just puts it in a place she'll always remember. We never see it again.

Posted by scott at 02:55 PM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2002
When a Magazine Just Isn't Enough

Part of the skidmark brigade? (Shut up Ellen!) Maybe you just need some entertaining shapes to keep you company.

Posted by scott at 06:54 PM eMail this entry!
Cheap Suit Santas

Combine a bad attitude, a cheap Santa costume, and one too many pub crawls and what do you get? SANTARCHY! HIDE YOUR WOMEN! PROTECT YOUR VALUABLES! SECURE YOUR PETS! THEY'RE JOLLY AND THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU!

Posted by scott at 06:44 PM eMail this entry!
Another Mastercard Moment

Maserati: $80,000
Purebred Bulldog: $1,100
Letting Poochie learn about the heart and soul of Italian motorcars?

Priceless.

Posted by scott at 09:03 AM eMail this entry!
Merry X-Mas Neenah & Richie

Apparently this Joe Cartoon flash animation has been around awhile, but it's the first I've seen of it. Warning to non-blood-relatives of Ellen (i.e. Pat): it's bizzare, violent, and more than a little gross. Still, I laughed out loud.

A bank-shot from Amish Tech Support (why am I not surprised?)

Posted by scott at 08:58 AM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2002
Where is Raising Hell When You Need Them?

I really want to know what the folks over at Raising Hell would've made out of a school's reinactment of ancient human sacrifice rituals. I get the feeling Michele, at least, would want to be the one wearing the jackal headdress, but I'm not sure...

Posted by scott at 10:58 AM eMail this entry!
December 19, 2002
Stupid Crook Stories

Canada brings us the dumbest crooks of 2002.

My parents ran a liquor store, which is a moronic criminal magnet, for ten years. Among other things they encountered:

  • Two crooks who found the wired-sandwiched glass door too difficult to smash. Not thinking to bring gloves, they pulled the glass out with their bare hands and left perfect bloody hand and fingerprints all over the store as they left.
  • A crook who worked for what must have been hours unsuccessfully trying to hacksaw through the $60 hardened-chromium-steel padlock protecting the drive-through window*, completely ignoring the $12 hasp which held it.
  • A dumbass who brought an admittedly impressive (and quite illegal) switchblade in and, while loudly flicking it open and shut, posited that he could probably knife my dad before he could reach the sawed-off double-barrel shotgun (it wasn't the best neighborhood, and this was back in the 1970s when such things were accepted) set up behind the counter.

    Dad said it would be fine with him to try but would he first cut the head off this snake? You see, dad had a very realistic rubber snake under the counter he used to f-k with his buddies when they visited (dad was weird). The door was pushed open so hard and so fast as the idiot left it bent one of the hinges out of true. He left his very impressive, and probably very expensive, knife spinning on the floor.

  • A moron who somehow manage to break in the store early one summer morning and escape before the police arrived, only to be busted by a trail of "crumbs". While the police were taking statements, the mail man walked up and asked if the small white object he was holding wasn't one of our store's cash register tapes. Sure enough, it was. He'd found it on the street outside the store. As they looked over they saw another one, and a few dozen feet past that yet another.

    My parents would tightly wind up each day's register tape into a cylinder, then rubber band a week's worth together, then rubber band a month's worth together, getting a group of cylinder-like objects about the size of your fist. All the months went into a paper sack for record keeping. The thief must have thought it was a bag of change, because he stole it as well as some booze. As he was walking back to his hideout, he would pull one out, realize it was not a roll of quarters, then discard it, then pull another out, examine, and discard. The police, the mail man, and my dad slowly followed this trail all the way to his house, where he was discovered passed out on the couch.

  • A mouth-breather who simply walked in the door brandishing a .38 special and threatened the elderly semi-retired couple working for us that Saturday night until they gave him the cash register drawer. Instead of running straight out the front door toward freedom, he instead made a sharp left turn, then another sharp left turn, and ran right past the drive through window, on the drive-through window's driveway, apparently because his cousin lived down that road.

    Unfortunately for Mr. Robber, the old man whom he had frightened rather badly while threatening his wife, was a retired security guard from San Quentin's death row. Not realizing the thief was too stupid to be a threat to anyone but himself, the old man thought the robber was coming back. To protect himself and his wife, he pulled out the .44 magnum my dad had borrowed from a friend that afternoon and put a police-special bullet right between the theif's shoulder blades. The impact literally knocked him from his feet, triggering the second of his problems.

    My dad had only ten minutes before taken all the cash and brought a fresh load of change in to accommodate the rush. Our fresh-as-oatmeal-and-only-slightly-dumber criminal had stuffed his pockets full of more than $100 in pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters, and this all broke open as he hit the pavement. While the EMTs were loading him onto a gurney (amazingly, he was not killed outright, but only paralyzed) all this change literally started streaming out of his pockets and tinkled its way out the drive-through. The police wanted to know, if he was as innocent as he was quite loudly proclaiming, he needed all this change.

    The answer was not recorded.

There's a reason I think people turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else, and it's not just from watching cops.

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
December 18, 2002
Top 10 Weird News?

ABCNews.com has their picks for the top 10 weirdest stories of the year, but considering what a staple weird news is to the blogosphere I wonder. What do you think was the weirdest, funniest, or most f-d up major news story of the year?

Posted by scott at 09:56 AM eMail this entry!
Your Tax Dollars at... um... Work?

Two videotapes? $10
A Senate recording studio? $10,000,000
Throwing the wrong switch and sending your p0rn into a senate office building?

Priceless.

Posted by scott at 09:03 AM eMail this entry!
What Would Jesus Buy?

For the person who has everything, a Jesus action figure, fully equipped to walk on (shallow) water!

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2002
Fo Shizzle My Mizzletoe... yeeah..

Almost on cue, Michele brings us a Snoop Christmas. It's like, I dunno... Richie & Michele are long lost siblings.

Nah...

Posted by scott at 09:15 PM eMail this entry!
December 16, 2002
What Would Jesus... Ummm...

There's thongs, and then there's thongs.

Posted by scott at 12:44 PM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2002
You Heard it Here First, Folks

I have a new axiom courtesy of Ellen the Vet Tech:

Ugh. It's never a good sign when your vet's office is next door to a Chinese restaraunt.

-- heard while driving past same.

Useful!

Posted by scott at 05:49 PM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2002
Playin' with your head

First try this the "normal" way by reading the word, but saying the color. Then try it my way: look at the last letter of every word and say what color it is. Easier, no?

Yeah I know, old, but fun!

Posted by scott at 01:59 PM eMail this entry!
Those Crazy Southerners

To prove that Arkansas isn't the only place filled with weird and tacky sh*t, I give you Wacky Alabama.

Heh. They only have a Boll Weevil monument. Arkansas has an entire Boll Weevil College. No, really!

Posted by scott at 09:57 AM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2002
Proof White Trash Doesn't Just Live in the South

If every man's wife shot him for watching porn, well, who would be left to do all the auto maintenance and heavy lifting?

Posted by scott at 09:12 AM eMail this entry!
Urban Renewal, the New York Way

I've heard of home improvement projects going awry, but this is rediculous.

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 08, 2002
Hero Builders

Get your Osama action figure!

Don't want Osama? What about other camel jockeys? Yes, if they live in the desert and use camels, I call them camel jockeys. How EvIl and PrEdJuDiCe of me!- see a trend people? I can't stand the Middle East. Yeah ok, we link a blog to a guy who basically told America to fuck off. But hey, that means I can call them camel jockeys, Genies, magic carpet riders, you name it. Because I can.

So what are you waiting for! Get a character GI Joe will be exited to 'play' (blow back to Allah) with! Get him a REAL villian! Get him an Osama or a Saddam to play with!

No Prize! to Nina!

Posted by Ellen at 07:31 PM eMail this entry!
Jesus of the Week

Do you have a picture of Jesus that is web worthy? If so, go submit a Jesus!

C'mom people! Even Bush made it to the submit a Jesus! What are you waiting for!? Submit a Jesus!

Posted by Ellen at 08:37 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2002
SnowMan Pinball

X-mas games are back!!! I really have to find Elf Bowling again, but for now, enjoy some SnowMan Pinball.

Update It's Elf Bowling. This is the ultimate X-mas game!

Posted by Ellen at 04:11 PM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2002
Ok, Last One, I Promise

Most of my forays into spiritualism, natural history, biblical criticism, and biology have started out as ways of poking holes in Christian fundamentalists. Oh, they lead me to other, far greater things, but that's where they started out. Unfortunately by the time I'd got really well armed I'd moved completely out of fundieland (Arkansas), and never got to play smackdown with any of them.

But these guys did, and it was glorious. I'd've paid money to see that, I sure would!

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2002
My Wife's Long-Lost Sister?

Sometimes they threaten, sometimes they actually do it. Both Ellen and my mom have threatened to do this to various vehciles I've owned or operated over the years. Do all women think threatening and/or attacking a man's vehicle is a good proxy kick-in-the-nads?

Posted by Ellen at 11:24 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2002
Mens Room

Scott says the USA does not have signs like this in the mens room.

This must be Japan or something.

Posted by Ellen at 06:20 PM eMail this entry!
This Stuff Never Happens When I'm Around

Gah. If things like this happened more often I wouldn't mind so much paying to drive on their dinky-assed toll road!

Posted by scott at 03:55 PM eMail this entry!
I Just Keep Expecting Something Like This to Happen

Both Ellen and my Mom are inveterate e-bay hounds. Mom especially is well known for her poaching/vultching/swooping skills. Fortunately, neither of them have got up the gumption to sell anything, because if they did I'm sure something like this would happen!

Posted by scott at 11:39 AM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2002
So This is What I Have to Look Forward To?

A Riddle:

A woman notices her car won't start. After some investigative work with a helpful patrolman, she places an infant against the wheel, starts the car, then drives off.

Many of you will be scratching your head trying to figure out what the connection is. Others will instantly know this was the mother of a small child.

Posted by scott at 11:32 AM eMail this entry!
Twas the Night Before... Bagdhad?

Ok, in the interests of equal time, I give you Bigwig's version of "night before christmas".

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
George's Song

Skippy has this nifty parody that's getting pretty close to the way I'm beginning to feel about this whole Iraq thing.

Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2002
I've Heard of High Heels, but...

Ellen's wanted a scooter for as long as I've known her. Now that someone's come up with this, well, I'm not so sure I can stop her! Yet another thing for my mom to have a heart attack over. :)

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
Richie's Gonna Love This One

Howsabout a website dedicated solely to finishing moves? Video games and comic books are what kid's (well, boys aged 8-18 anyway) entertainment would look like if they were left to their own devices. Cartoons aren't like this because parents actually watch those.

Posted by scott at 11:52 AM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2002
Computer Talk

Ok, this one was sent by my sister Nina.

Excpet that my brother Richie should REALLY read it closely since he did not know what ROTFLOLPIMP meant!

Enjoy!

Posted by Ellen at 07:54 PM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2002
Lord of the... Peeps?

What do you get when you combine a fascination with Tolkien, a digital camera, and a lot (and I mean a lot) of Ellen's favorite marshmallow candy? I proudly present to you:

Lord of the Peeps

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
Primitive Love

We all know how incredibly left-leaning cultural anthropology departments are in higher academia. Their love of snot-drooling leaf-snorting natives is only equaled by the hatred of their own culture. Do other primitive cultures really feel this way about us? You be the judge!

It's a joke son, a joke!

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2002
Gauranteed to Make Nina Laugh

The latest Foxtrot is quite appropriate considering the igloo-like conditions in my mother-in-law's home. It's all we can do to keep her from opening windows as you go to bed. In 20 degree weather! We won't even talk about why the bathroom windows are braced open whenever you take a shower...

Posted by scott at 11:30 AM eMail this entry!
Mmmm... Beeeerrrrr

Oh what will those whacky Germans think of next? Now we have a monastery selling beer so good you can bathe in it. Suddenly drinking your bath water doesn't sound so disgusting!

Posted by scott at 11:25 AM eMail this entry!
Indie Visible

Jen sends us this little site funded by the "Foundation for Unnatural Research", created as an attempt to help us all understand the anatomy of Mattel's most famous creation.

No-prize! :)

Posted by scott at 08:35 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2002
What or Treat?!?

Sometimes all it takes is a poor choice of fonts.

Posted by scott at 04:41 PM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2002
Um... Ouch? Pt. 2

Nina beat Jeff to it, but Jeff provided the link:

Laptop burns scientist's privates while he was "writing a report".

Our very first dual no-prize!

Posted by scott at 01:01 PM eMail this entry!
Tough to Spot

There's typos, and then there's typos.

Hint: Check the headline.

If you don't see it, then they've probably corrected it by now. Still, gave me a good chuckle.

Posted by scott at 11:29 AM eMail this entry!
Well, at Least Grandpa Didn't Pick This One

There spirit, and then there's spirit. I have at least one member of my family who'd take a Dallas Cowboys one, and another who, at times, would take one with a Razorback and a basketball. Depending on whether or not they sucked that year.

Heh... hey Nina... you should suggest it to your school! :)

Posted by scott at 11:19 AM eMail this entry!
Capt. Euro

Hooray! A new installment of Captain Euro! (No, it's not a comic, mom, it's satire. Read it.)

A bank-shot via Yourish, who apparently has acquired a bigger gun than Rachel's. EeP!

Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2002
Gothic Personal Ads

Gothics need a date too!

Our goth friends at Demon Wurkz dress casually during the day. We have NEVER seen them in full garb...yet.

Though their apt is pretty damn neat looking! SpOOkY!

Posted by Ellen at 06:48 PM eMail this entry!
Useful Baby Furniture

Who needs a high chair when I can get this?

Those of you horrified please send me a check for $1, as this means you simply do not know how to take a joke.

Posted by scott at 11:20 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2002
Insert Dumbass Joke Here

Ok, proof positive rednecks don't just live in the south.

What ticks me off is they whacked the snake, which was just doing what snakes do when confronted by Darwin-award nominees.

And you'd be amazed at the flack I get on other forums for calling people 'rednecks'.

Posted by scott at 04:10 PM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2002
Homely Motoring

Hey Robert UK, are these really the ugliest cars in Britian? Pretty close to it, I'd say!

And yes, Jim, the PT is in there, albeit only with 2 "bags".

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2002
Proof Brits Also Can Have Way Too Much Time on Their Hands

I sure didn't know there were more than three dozen entrances to Hell in the UK, did you? And all this time I thought it was just the boundary line of my old home town...

Posted by scott at 02:15 PM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2002
Time Travel Paradox

Ok, I think this story here puts a cannon hole through that well-known time-travel plot device of writing modern icons on ancient walls. We wouldn't believe it!

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
Silly Blog Joke

Ok, took down the "poor me, let's have a pity party" entry, decided to replace it with the Oldest Dumb Joke I Know (adapted for blogging):

Glenn Reynolds was cleaning his attic one day when he came apon an old, dusty lamp he'd never seen before. He began to rub the dust off of it when lo and behold, a Genie pops out!

"Thank you for releasing me from the lamp", the Genie entoned. "I will now grant you one wish."

"One wish? Why not three?"

"Union rules", the Genie rumbled.

"Umm... Ok. Well then, I wish for peace on earth, good will toward humankind."

"Oh come on", the Genie said as he rolled his eyes. "Everyone wishes for world peace. I'm so sick and tired of 'world peace' this and 'peace and love' that and 'oh-Genie-can't-we-all-just-get-along'. Don't you people ever read any books? World peace is always such a pain, and it never really turns out right. Think of something else!"

"Umm... well, ok. I want every person in the blogosphere to carefully consider every other person's opinions, so that whenever one blogger comes up with an opinion diametrically opposed to another the first words published aren't 'what a complete asshat'. I want them all to calmly discuss each and every point rationally and objectively, and always come to an amicable and reasonable conclusion."

The Genie paused for a good long while, thinking hard.

"Ummm...", said the Genie, "what was that first wish again?"

Posted by scott at 03:06 PM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2002
Press Monkies Take It to Its Logical Conclusion
Posted by scott at 10:07 AM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2002
Stupidity International

Jerk knows no color, stupidity knows no bounds. This time it's actually a German moron. "Germany's Dumbest Criminal" was sentenced today to four years in prison.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
Redneck Tip #437

Whenever you vandalize your own stadium in celebration, make sure your team has actually won.

Those goalposts aren't light either folks. Years ago an only-slightly-brighter-than-oatmeal cheerleading coach decided to put my high school's fifteen-strong cheerleading squad on the crossbar of the goalpost because it would "make a neat picture". The results of stacking nearly one ton of teenage girls on a structure barely meant to support itself surprised only the teacher. Sent a bunch of them to the hospital and got nearly one of them paralyzed for life.

Goalposts don't kill people. Morons kill people.

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2002
Billboard

Scott would not agree to this.

Posted by Ellen at 05:58 PM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2002
Must. Not. Stereotype. White. Trash.

Ok, lissen up people. If you're going to yell at your boyfriend for being a dumbass, roll down the window, don't lean out of the f-ing door! The trailer park will thank you.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2002
Why You Should Always Read Comments

Found this harrowing account of a way-too-f*cking-close encounter between a Mercedes 190E and an Albertson's Grocery Semitrailer (with pictures) in the FARK comments about a different car accident. It's funny because he made it out.

Update: Jim will like this one, if he hasn't already heard about it before. Apparently the "Llama Incident" is well known in motorbike circles.

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2002
Palestinian Laptop

This one is for Larry & Meryl.

Posted by scott at 02:34 PM eMail this entry!
PSA

Need to move fluffy in a hurry? Want to show just how much love you have for your new girl? Petsovernight.com can help!

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
November 06, 2002
Larry Will Call it a Palistinian Plot to Get Him

And who the hell knows, he may be right. This sort of thing used to happen all the time in Florida too, which is where my family lived for awhile. Swallow up whole parking lots there.

Posted by scott at 08:05 AM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2002
My Racist Aunt

Also, a bank shot from uppity-negro, a very funny map of America according to my racist aunt, from tremble (semper lazy!). No, not my racist aunt, his.

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
I Wonder if Rachel Wears 'em? And What About Larry?

You have to be from, or have lived near, Texas to understand just how funny this one is. Only in Texas would cowboy boots become a major election issue.

Posted by scott at 10:47 AM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2002
Just Testing to See if Aaron or Jason Still Read This Site

What happens when a bunch of friends get together with a little too much booze and a digital camera? Well, they discover that black people love us!

Posted by scott at 01:19 PM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2002
It'd Give Corky a Heart Attack

Skydiving dachsunds, anyone? Mom has one, he's now a cranky old man, but "back in the day" I'd bet he'd be up for it.

Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
Sex and Piss!

Ok, I borrowed this one from Da Goddess. Go to her site, check out the 2 latest fun home tests!

Apparently this is my sexual perversion. Errmmm....no


Well, they *are* quite the sexy ladies!

What's your sexual perversion?
Created by ptocheia

What pisses me off? This does!


Especially the ones that go off right after you've sat down, and spray your ass. Dont'cha just hate that?

What pisses you off?
Created by ptocheia

Posted by Ellen at 08:03 AM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2002
For the Abductee in Your Life

Tired of being dropped off in the middle of nowhere after your fourth anal probe? Sick of trying to keep your lungs inside your chest because the stupid aliens dropped you off on Mars instead of Earth? Worried that your foil hat just might not be enough to keep Them from getting you, and want some insurance? Just in time for Christmas! "Location of the Earth" dog-tags!

Posted by scott at 10:14 AM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2002
United Way Ad

This had me peeing in my pants from looking at it.

Posted by scott at 01:21 PM eMail this entry!
Redneck Neighbors

Gail sent this one to us! Apparently it's a site on a neighbor watching and writing about how 'redneck' his next door neighbor is. FUNNY!

Redneck Neighbor

No-prize goes to Gail!! Thanks!

Posted by scott at 12:48 PM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2002
Guns Don't Kill People, Dogs Kill People

Step 1: Load shotgun
Step 2: Leave shotgun safety OFF
Step 3: Lay shotgun on ground
Step 4: Stand in front of shotgun
Step 5: Hilarity ensues

We're almost gone, but this was just too good.

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2002
When Good Birds Do Bad Things

I don't know how many times I've looked at those change machines at car washes and wondered just how the dratted things worked. Turns out I shoulda just asked a bird.

No-prize to Jeff!

Posted by scott at 03:49 PM eMail this entry!
Larry Shoots... Scores!

I gotta admit, it took me looking at this one for a second to figure out exactly what went wrong, but when I did I got a good laugh.

I mean, what do you expect? If it isn't happening in DC, NY, or LA, I mean, it's not happening anywhere to a national press monkey.

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2002
I Bet Mom Knows Six of Them

Well, at least in the UK a nasty doctor can get fired. Actually, from the stories my mom (who is a critical care nurse) tells, only foolish doctors mess around with the nursing staff. Not so sure about the patients though.

Posted by scott at 11:29 AM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2002
A Country Song Ellen Might Actually Like

Apparently an oldie, but I'd never heard of it before, I present to you The Penis Song. Not quite XXX material, but if you can't listen to silly songs where you're sitting don't go near this one. :)

Posted by scott at 08:45 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2002
Of Course, Ellen Should not be Surprised at the Result

Looking for Evil, but not sure where, exactly, to find it? Evilfinder is here to help!

Posted by scott at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2002
This has to be Useful to Someone Out There

Ok, now I think I've seen everything. Why? How about an eggplant recipie "gauranteed" to cause labor.

Posted by scott at 12:53 PM eMail this entry!
Dave Barry vs. Crestview Middle School

An 8th grade English teacher gave one of Dave Barry's columns as a reading assignment and, as they say, hilarity ensued.

Posted by scott at 08:57 AM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2002
The Real Europe

It took me reading this excellent piece to remember the only reason Europeans get along with each other is everyone else took away their guns. Well, most of their guns.

Americans may have a race problem, but at least we f'ing talk about it sometimes.

Posted by scott at 10:19 AM eMail this entry!
Weird and Wonderful

I present to you, The Voice of Zod.

Posted by scott at 09:51 AM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2002
Modern Parenting

What do you do when your dumbass teenage son gets a DUI just before you give him a really nice Jeep? Sell it on ebay!

Posted by scott at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2002
MSTing the Aussie Pundit

The Norwegian Blogger is in fine form with this Mystery Science Theater 3000 take on yet another nihilistic wacknut lefty simultaneously declaring the US's imminent fall alongside it's imminent conquest of the world. Has the same gist as Decline and Fall, but is a lot funnier.

NOTE: If you don't have any idea what Mystery Science Theater 3000 is, imagine instead that there are three guys sitting on a couch watching TV and talking about what they see. Sort of. Well, read it anyway, I promise it will eventually start making sense.

Posted by scott at 04:39 PM eMail this entry!
October 10, 2002
Another Site Ellen will Love
Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2002
Sponge Bob

This article says it all.

My sister will be upset.

Posted by Ellen at 05:55 PM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2002
When Tenure Attacks

Want to know what the tenured professors of your college are doing when they stop worrying about being fired? Look no further than the IgNobel awards.

Posted by scott at 08:11 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2002
Need I Say More?

Typical Arkansas weirdness.

Look close to see the problem.

Posted by Ellen at 09:50 PM eMail this entry!
Maru Does not Get to Jiggle His Elbow Either

There's lots of shrub-haters who would like to see this happen, even if they do hate Iraq.

Via Jeff, who gets yet another no-prize. :)

Posted by scott at 11:07 AM eMail this entry!
Yet Another Thing to Get Put on the Couch For

C'mon guys... you know you've all done this once in awhile.

Gah, we got no couch right now. Garage time I guess.

Found via SiflayHraka

Posted by scott at 11:01 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2002
It's 9 and 1/2... Why do You Ask?

Yeah, I know everyone and their uncle linked to this story just a few days ago, but I finally thought up a goofy headline and didn't want to waste it.

Posted by scott at 01:13 PM eMail this entry!
A Lamp All Men Like to Rub

Well, I know what I'm gonna be rubbing tonight.

Oh get over yourself. Men are pigs, you haven't figured this out yet?

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2002
Why You Should Always Drive Around Puddles

When I was a kid I used to love it when my parents drove through puddles. That whooosh noise and the water arching skyward in a curtain was just beyond cool. The bigger the puddle the happier I was. But they hardly ever did it, and sure wouldn't drive faster through them to get a bigger splash, even when we urged them in our oh-so-democratic 6 and 8 year old way (MOOOOOMMMMMMM... FASTER!!!).

Of course, what my parents never bothered to really explain, and what I myself found out later (if in a less spectacular fashion) is that sometimes the puddle's a little deeper than it looks.

Compare with Stupid Tugboat Tricks, an old entry but even more spectacular.

Found via The Sound and Fury

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2002
Insert Sexist Joke Here

This one's from my mom, someone with a twisted sense of humor. No-prize!

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2002
He had What... Where?!?

Thing is, he had to hold it up to his face for it to work. Makes "talking out of your ass" take on a whole new meaning.

Posted by scott at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2002
The Password is... Mary Jane

See, my problem is I wouldn't even know what it looked like enough to call the cops. I'd need Ellen or (no shit!) mom to know for sure. Heh.

Posted by scott at 08:10 PM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2002
Pornolize!

I agree with folks, this is one of the funnier things I've come across in a long time. Our site is mostly just mangled, but sometimes the results are damned funny. My "take-ourselves-so-seriously-we-make-death-look-like-Jerry-Lewis" work site is fabulous run through this thing. Yours will be too!

A double-bank-shot via ATS into Blogotrice. Thanks!

Posted by scott at 10:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2002
You Cross this Line, You Die. Ok, this Line. Ok, this One...

Just when I thought the People's Republic of Berkely couldn't get any higher up into their ivory tower, they decide ain't nobody gonna put space-based weapons over our town. I mean, where do they get these people from anyway? I used to live in a college town and it wasn't like this.

Now that I think about it, this may have been because it was an island of liberal wacko-ism surrounded on all sides by a sea of conservative wacko-ism (U of AR in Fayetteville AR, nestled deep in the "she ain't just my sister, she's my cousin" Ozarks). As long as you didn't get too close to the poles, you could actually live a normal life.

Posted by scott at 11:59 AM eMail this entry!
Mini Goats and Gold Teeth and Fat Crooks, Oh My!

The crime blotter over at ABCnews.com is particularly nice today. I've said it before: I firmly believe people turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2002
What to Say... What to Say...

See, I have to figure out how to link up this article without actually ending up on the couch tonight. Hey, I think I just did!

Posted by scott at 11:55 AM eMail this entry!
September 16, 2002
The Brick Testament

What happens when you combine Legos, the Bible, and a whole lot (and I mean a whole lot) of time? The Brick Testament. Neato!

Posted by scott at 10:59 AM eMail this entry!
September 13, 2002
Margaritas

Scott made us margaritas tonight. *too strong I may add*

I shit you not, this is what his mom said. *yes, the Pat from the comment section*

Pat: "this margarita is so tart, it's making my ass pucker".

Yeah, she said it.

Posted by Ellen at 08:03 PM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2002
The Other Side

Say what you will about cats, but when's the last time one of them set yer goddamned house on fire?!?

Posted by scott at 09:07 PM eMail this entry!
BOOM!

Ok, I can so totally see my brother doing this back when he was in the army. Yup, a sibling of mine was once entrusted with the defense of our country. In intelligence no less! Kinda sez it all...

Posted by scott at 08:57 PM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2002
Buzz Socks Wack

I'm sure every rational person in the world wanted to do what Buzz Aldrin seems to have done to a religious wack who thinks he didn't go to the moon. Unfortunately it's not nice to hit people, even if they deserve it, so if this pans out looks like ol' Buzz may be heading to court.

Posted by scott at 03:14 PM eMail this entry!
September 07, 2002
Non-sequitur of the Day

My half-sister-in-law, a 16-year-old punk ass, has this as her "away" message on AIM:

The buzzing you hear is the capitalists trying to opress us.

Made me laugh out loud, but probably not in the way intended. Black & White ate my game today, so I'm in one of those ugly elitist moods I get in sometimes ("sometimes? psst... hey asshat... yer about as tolerant as you are funny.")

This reeks of a quote from somewhere. Silver-plated no-prize to the person who can provide it.

Posted by scott at 03:53 PM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2002
Trouble Shooting

I think EVERYONE's trouble shooting list looks like this.

Posted by Ellen at 05:50 PM eMail this entry!
The World's Scariest Hamster Chases

When cars are outlawed, only hamsters will have cars. Or something like that. No, really!

I don't know man, the UK seems to be getting a lot weirder all of a sudden. Maybe we're finally shipping some of them back? ;)

Posted by scott at 05:38 PM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2002
Ideal Ad

I REALLY like this one.

Sounds like my house, except I would just put the ad up for the husband :)

Posted by Ellen at 08:45 PM eMail this entry!
See, it Could be Worse

I think tomorrow I may relate the Great Chili Debacle, wherein our Hero learns it's not wise to leave a pressure cooker on full heat, but I just wanted to point out ahead of time that it could've been a whole lot worse.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely a House Ellen Won't Sleep Over In

So now we got ghosts gettin all gropy 'n sh*t. Where does it all end?!?

Ellen flips out at even the slightest hint of ghost-y things. I personally think it's 99.9% crap, but I've been called a cynic before. What's the weirdest thing you've ever experienced?

Posted by scott at 09:30 AM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2002
Superheros

I'm sure Ellen will have some remarks about this one. Does everyone's mom send them this stuff? (no-prize of the day to Pat)

Posted by scott at 02:29 PM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2002
Well, What do You Call It?

From the "Too Much Time on Our Hands" players, I give you foreign words for... um... well, you'll have to find out.

Posted by scott at 10:14 AM eMail this entry!
September 01, 2002
Equal Time Goofy Musical

Ok, so first nuts, now boobs! Go granny, go!

Posted by scott at 06:05 PM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2002
Ranty-Rant-Rant

Rachel is in rare form today. Her experiences of the first week of college bring back so many memories for me. So many memories of pointless, horrific days confronting beauracrats and freshmen, ones that I had repressed for so long.... AAAAAAGG! THEY'VE COME BACK! NOOOOO!!! DAMN YOU RACHEL! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Just kidding! Just kidding! :):):)

Go visit Rachel, tell her we sent ya. :)

Update: Reading her comments, looks like we're not the only blog regularly viewed by our Mom. Assuming that is her mom, looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree (or perhaps, the cracker didn't fall far out of the box :) :) :) ).

Posted by scott at 05:24 PM eMail this entry!
Squirrel Nuts

Oh. My. Goodness. After this, I'll never look at that song the same way again. Possibly not safe for work, especially if you don't have headphones.

Posted by scott at 07:22 AM eMail this entry!
August 29, 2002
De-Motivational Posters, a FARK Photoshop Essay

We get, oh, 40-60% of our completely off-the-wall sh*t from fark. Yes, the secret is out. We troll FARK so you don't have to. Anyway, they recently had probably the best "photoshop" contest I've ever seen with "de-motivational posters". You know, those obnoxious posters that say things like "SUCCESS: Every Dog Has Its Day" or some other tripe. Well, here are FARKER'S take on the whole phenomena:

Yeah, we're probably violating a copyright somewhere, but farkit! :)

Posted by scott at 07:30 PM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2002
Silly Pix

This is a cute one! Scott fixed it into a format for me so you can all see it!

Silly Pix

Posted by Ellen at 08:01 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2002
Well... Why Not???

I mean, after this, what next... AVIS across Jenna Jameson's rack?

Posted by scott at 07:44 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2002
When Reporters Attack

This bit about how the Brit press is getting vapors about something Paltrow said is all well and good, but what I want to know is howcome when British media get bored and report dumb sh*t it's a "silly season", but when ours do it it's "news"? Hello pot? This is Kettle calling. BLACK!!!

Posted by scott at 12:54 PM eMail this entry!
August 20, 2002
A Matter of Perspective

Ok, all those things I say about how nutty Ellen is? After reading this post over at uppity-negro.com, I take it all back.

See... I told you he could be funny!

Posted by scott at 11:00 AM eMail this entry!
August 18, 2002
Southern Church Sign

Yet ANOTHER classic southern church sign!

I wonder who makes them up?

Posted by Ellen at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2002
Southern Exercise Program

My Southern Mama sent this one to me. Scott would say her form of exercise is picking up the phone and dialing HSC for a new gadget :)

Secret found for building arms and shoulder muscles and also trimming a little from the tum-tum. You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well:

I started by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there for as long as I can.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

Posted by Ellen at 12:27 PM eMail this entry!
Ticket

My Southern Mama sent me this one: *NO, it's not her!! But I would not put it past her to do something like that*

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

Posted by Ellen at 09:59 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2002
High Colonic!

No, it's not a drink. Read about a reporters experience of a colonic.

Too funny!! I think I would quit if I got that assignment.

Posted by Ellen at 08:28 PM eMail this entry!
Official Baseball Strike Note

Found this one on a FARK photoshop contest. Kinda says it all.

Posted by scott at 03:42 PM eMail this entry!
When Geckos Attack

Ok, this one's been on the tonight show, so probably you've all seen it by now, but just in case: When Geckos Attack! You gotta see the video.

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2002
Tales of Plush Cthulu

Ok, this one's probably old hat to the bloggers out there, but I'd never seen it before and I thought it was a hoot. Especially if you've ever read any H.P. Lovecraft:

Tales of the Plush Cthulu

Posted by scott at 02:42 PM eMail this entry!
Two Peoples, Separated by a Common Language

In spite of the fact I can "engrish" British-isms at times, I think I'm the only person in my family who can watch "trainspotting" without needing the closed-captions turned on. And yet, today I stumbled onto this in the sports section of BBCnews.com:

England v. India: India move closer to safety in the second Test after Rahul Dravid reaches his first century against England.

I understand every word in that headline, and yet the sentence makes no sense to me. Clicking the link lead me to yet another incomprehensible page. But at this point I was smiling, because via the picture I knew they were talking about cricket. What I thought was funny was I noticed not once does the article mention it's talking about cricket.

Cricket is famous for being nearly incomprehensible to Americans, but I'll submit baseball and (American) football are just as screwy. We grew up with the latter, so the rules just seeped in.

Long ago a company I worked for had a division based just outside London. The brits came over for one of those horrid "7 habits" retreats in the country, and one of them brought a cricket set. The basics seemed easy enough:

X number of fielders and a pitcher on one side, a batter on the other. You score by smacking the ball and then running back and forth between two posts, which were about twenty feet apart (this is where it gets foggy... they're probably further apart than that). I think you could be tagged out, but only if you were between the posts. If the fielders caught the ball you were also out. If the ball hit the "wicket" (a stand of three sticks behind you with another stick set across the top of them) you were out. No bases, no "strikes" or "balls". I'm not completely sure how the game ended, but apparently they go on for days. The ball was really small, as I recall about the size of a golf ball, and the bat was flat and had two sides, more like a paddle.

And that was pretty much it, or at least all they'd tell us about at any rate. The toughest part for us Americans was hanging onto the damned bat once you got a hit. In baseball it's automatic to toss the thing and run like hell, but if you do that in cricket you can't score. The brits thought we Americans were amazingly good fielders, but completely hopeless pitchers. Eventually one of the mechanics got up and he split the cheapie ball the set came with, so we had to put it all away. But it was actually quite a lot of fun!

Anyway, I know I mangled the rules, probably badly. Hopefully Robert UK can stop laughing long enough to explain how it all really works. :)

Posted by scott at 11:15 AM eMail this entry!
August 10, 2002
Squirrel Hazing

This is too funny.

It's not what you think. It's a parody :) Enjoy!

Posted by Ellen at 08:25 PM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2002
Arkansas Sign

I KNOW I'm going to get shit for this.

Posted by Ellen at 05:54 PM eMail this entry!
Aquarium Mishap

OOPS!! Don't you just hate it when this happens when you go to the aquarium?

I heard this on the news yesterday. One of the best things about the radio news what that they quoted a worker at the aquarium saying that the sharks are used to people. *since they have divers that go in the tank regularly* PLUS! they were already fed for the day. *lol....*

Posted by Ellen at 12:32 PM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2002
Cell Phone

This is great! I wish every traffic alert did this!

Posted by Ellen at 08:09 PM eMail this entry!
Redneck Windchime

My sister sent this to me.

She still thinks Scott eats squirrel on a regular basis.

Posted by Ellen at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2002
Adventures of Capt. Euro

Found this extremely funny satire via yourish. Kinda says it all, as far as I'm concerned.

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2002
Geek Humor

Send this one to your favorite computer programmer:

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
-Thinkgeek

Posted by scott at 09:01 AM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2002
More Online Tests!

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better.

I am 33% Goth

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

I am 44% Geek

You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

Scott needs to take the Geek test. He WILL score much higher!

Scary! I am 63% Internet Addict

I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com

Posted by Ellen at 10:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 03, 2002
Texas Chili

Found this entry over at upyours.com (a blog which has been quite insistent in not noticing us at all :P :) ). I grew up in Arkansas. We're not Texas, but we get a lot of texas-like attitudes a-la chernobyl-like radiation. Robert UK: Imagine if Wales, Ireland, and Scotland were to form a single cultural group. With guns. Big guns. And thought shooting at each other on the M3 (god I hope that's the name of a major highway in the UK) as a way of saying "howdy". That'll give you a taste of what Texas is like (if you haven't already visited the place).

My mom usta make chili like this. One day they had the neighbors over and one of them inadvertantly dumped an entire cup of sugar into the chili bowl. Said neighbor tasted the chili and, after his eyes stopped watering, said it hadn't done anything to the stuff.

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2002
Cowboy Beebop Theme Song

My them song from the show "Cowboy Beebop"

my cowboy bebop theme song is pushing the sky

Scott's theme song

my cowboy bebop theme song is blue

what's your cowboy bebop theme song?

Posted by Ellen at 07:57 PM eMail this entry!
Horoscope

A friend sent me my horoscope. Too funny.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

This is Scott's

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Posted by Ellen at 07:37 PM eMail this entry!
Useless Online Tests


Courtesy of checking out JimSpot and then heading to LynnUnleashed, I got to see that I am a pig with blue lipstick.

Posted by Ellen at 06:04 PM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2002
Proof Dragons Existed?!?

I'm not completely sure if this site is a practical joke or not, but figured it'd be fun to link up to anyway. I especially like the 19th century photos of a dead dolphin captioned as "some kind of marine dinosaur".

Posted by scott at 08:32 AM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2002
Slashdot Translator

I just wish this had been made into an article. Non-slashdot readers: a little technical, but might still be worth a read.

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2002
Panties!!!

I ALWAYS wanted a pair of panties like this!

Posted by Ellen at 06:57 PM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2002
Lemur FAQ

A lemur, for those who might not know, is a small primitive primate. You can find lots of cute pictures of them here.

Some time in the late 80s or early 90s, a "newsgroup" got started called "alt.fan.lemur". A newsgroup was what socially-impaired people used to talk to each other before blogs were invented1. Why lemurs? God only knows. They're kinda cool in a geeky sort of way I guess.

As time would march on, a newsgroup would slowly build up a body of knowledge, eventually distilled into a "FAQ". Short for "Frequently Asked Questions", some, like the talk.origins FAQ, became, and in some cases remain, invaluable overviews of whatever field of knowledge they happen to cover. The easiest way to become an expert on anything was to read the FAQ of the newsgroup that covered your topic of choice.

But then sometimes people got a little silly. Well, people got a lot silly, and more than a little weird. If you like Monty Python, or think Black Adder is a hoot, you will absolutely wet your pants at the alt.fan.lemur FAQ. Pick part one, and read away. An excerpt:

(7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?

Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur is said to have stowed away on Santa's sleigh during a stopover in Madagascar one Christmas. Upon finding the hapless Lemur shivering in the back of the sleigh after returning to the North Pole, Santa named him "Rudolpho" and adopted him into the North Pole community. Rudolpho aided Santa for a few Christmases, sneaking into houses and opening the chimney flues when required so Santa could get in. Eventually, though, Rudolpho yielded to a kleptomaniac urge and began stealing silverware... and jugs of Big K Grape Soda. Santa reluctantly discharged him on the spot, but Rudolpho has continued his irregular service nonetheless, breaking into houses and stealing the Big K Grape Soda and opening any chimney flues that need to be opened. If he should happen to be discovered, he flees by shaking up a bottle of Big K Grape Soda, opening it, and jetting off over the horizon. (If he gets thirsty in mid-flight he pulls a loop, fills a cup, and continues onwards.)

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Posted by scott at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
Sex Story Cliches

Ok, please note the only reason I didn't put this under XXX is there aren't any pictures. This is very, very raunchy, but also extremely funny.

Sex story cliches

Posted by scott at 06:17 PM eMail this entry!
Doctor, it Hurts When I do This

So a guy walks into a lady doctor's office. Says "it" hurts. Doctor examines. Lather, rinse, repeat, 24 times.

Mom's got stories like this. Cranky old patients that ask cute young nurses to "help" with catheters and things. I wonder if we could get her to tell some...

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2002
Spark Test

According to The Spark, I am the following:

""

Posted by Ellen at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
The Mullet

Everyone knows someone that had a mullet. I do. My stepdad had one for years before my mom made him cut it off. Except that he used to wear it in a pony tail.

I saw an OLD picture of Scott once with this person known as "she who shall remain nameless". I could not tell if that was a mullet or not he had going. It was just all this HAIR! CuRlY hair too! *scary* (and he thinks my hair has a life of its own)

Posted by Ellen at 08:24 AM eMail this entry!
July 25, 2002
What Redneck Dogs Look Like

Let's guess what state this dog is from?

Louisiana? Arkansas? West Virginia????

That some set of TEETH!! LOL!!

Posted by Ellen at 04:18 PM eMail this entry!
Scott Needs This!

Scott needs one of these.

Not so he can aim right, its to prevent him from pissing on the cats head all the time. Poor Goblin likes to look into the bowl and he assumes she is in the way and well.... she gets peed on.

Perhaps Scott has a urine fetish for peeing on cats? * I can assure you the cat is NOT into golden showers*Probably not. He just thinks its annoying that Goblin must show him where to go. With this product, maybe he won't need as much direction with the cat. PLUS, I don't have a cat come to bed with a wet head smelling like pee.

Posted by Ellen at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
A NY Skyline Even My Wife Will Love

Ok, so all the current proposals for the WTC stink. How about this one?

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
Even a Queen Shouldn't Walk Behind a Cow

As this SUN.com article will attest.

You guys have got to get Ellen to tell the story about a veterinary school cow exam she did that went very, very wrong.

Posted by scott at 12:05 PM eMail this entry!
Mayor Offers Ass for Kicking

Ok, so now we got a mayor offering his rear end for charity. One of these days we have to get my mom to tell some of her stories about being the only woman on the city council of our dinky-assed Arkansas town. She and the mayor definitely had a hate-hate relationship going there.

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2002
Finch

As you all know, I work in a veterinary hospital located inside of a PetsMart. *which my last fucking day there is August 8th*

Now I love PetsMart. I buy too much damn stuff there. *nice employee discount too* They even have lots of interesting critters to purchase. I was already told by the fish guys *who laugh at me when I bring this up* that I am not allowed to bring back the killer Oscar. They say it's a good life experience and that it LOVES me. It wouldn't try to get out of the tank to kiss me everytime I fed it if it didn't. *yeah right, it wants to poke my eyes out with a small stick it found in the tank!*

They also have birds. I love birds. My cats LOVE birds, so I can't have one. Some birds have a tendency to get out of the cages. This is always exciting. Watching everyone go after these little birds with nets.

So today, one of the girls at work *Jamie* says: "there is a finch in pharmacy". Stupid me goes, : "a finch finch? or an outside finch?" "Its a real finch" she says.

Hrmmm!!! got to check this out. Sure enough! Its a finch! A little orange headed one too! So I go and grab a towel and attempt to wrangle the 1 inch beast that will shit on your head at will.

Dr F was in the pharmacy too and suggests *which was a neato idea* to turn the light off and the bird would come down. Why would it do that? I have no damn clue. But it WORKED!

Of course now I have this birdie in my hands. I walk over to a manager in the store and ask them if they lost a finch. "YES!!!, did you find it?" " No..I'm handing you some dog shit.. of course its your finch. It was in pharmacy."

Tossed the bird back in the cage, and that was that. Cute bird though.

Easy cat lunch at my house.

Posted by Ellen at 04:41 PM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2002
Sanity Test

I'm sure Ellen will claim that Jeff and I just do this sort of thing anyway. Be sure to have your sound turned on, otherwise you won't get it (and no, it's not scary, well, not "boo" scary anyway). It's even funnier if you've watched a recent F-1 contest.

Contributed by Tim Lentz, one of my Alfa buddies. Thanks Tim! Your no-prize is in the mail!

Posted by scott at 07:44 AM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2002
Bin Laden

Courtesy of my sister Neenah.

Bin Laden Cartoons

Posted by Ellen at 05:43 PM eMail this entry!
Military Funnies

One for my brother, who was once in the army and carries the mental scars to prove it: 213 things Skippy can't do in the army. Got it from what I must award "least expected name for a blog" to, uppity-negro.com. Huzza to another non-single-white-30-something-female blogger!

P.S. He's also damned funny in his own right. See The Vocabulary Lesson (II).

Posted by scott at 07:17 AM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2002
Top 10 Things

Ok ladies, please comment below whether/how true this is. I will be taking notes, as I am stoopidhusband. :)

Posted by scott at 01:50 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2002
Fainting Goats 4 Sale

Now my brother and sister in-law can actually purchase livestock for their backyard! *its big enough* Plus they are pure entertainment and will mow the grass for free!

How can you NOT have fun with fainting goats?

Get yer fainting goat!! Only $100.00

Posted by Ellen at 09:22 PM eMail this entry!
Another Arkansas Church-ism!

Churches, especially in the south, will advertise anything! Including the pancake breakfast held before or after church on sundays.

Now that I remember correctly. A baptist church in Arkansas had written or rather stuck the letters on its billboard : Forbidden fruit makes for bad jam!

Pretty southern huh? Not like us italian NY-kers that are mostly Roman Catholic and standing in line with a one way ticket to hell. We just walk into a booth, tell the priest some personal dirt and have to recite over and over and over again some chant, *that I can no longer really remember- there were 5, I think* and VOILA! instant goodness, until you walk out side and say the lords name in vain because something stupid just occured.

Anyhow, I'm off topic. I have never seen a church in NY with a billboard out side its church advertise anything except the times of worship. Though it would be funny to see what they would say. Example : 2 for 1 deal on sins! or something else...

Posted by Ellen at 09:07 PM eMail this entry!
Peter Pan Is Real!!

Apparently Peter Pan IS real!!!!

No really! You have to check it out!

Thanks to Elizabeth and her kitties! *Riley, Buffy and Polly*(I used to kitty sit them!!!) Your no-prize is in the mail! :)

Posted by Ellen at 08:16 PM eMail this entry!
July 18, 2002
Tennis Ball

I could not pass this one up. This mouse is using a tennis ball for a house!

Cute huh?

Posted by Ellen at 07:07 PM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2002
No Dog for Pony Show

A follow-up that's sure to disappoint our anti-shrub crowd (you know who you are). A judge disqualified the pooch running for election in Florida.

Posted by scott at 05:10 PM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2002
Calvin, Ellen, and Gnomishness

There will be times when I refer to my lovely wife's "gnomishness". This is actually a reference to a Terry Pratchett book series called "Truckers", in which a straggling band of gnomes find greatness.

One of the things the gnomes have in common with Ellen is a tendency to take new, complex concepts & things very, very literally. Want to know what I'm talking about? Here's a Calvin & Hobbes strip that will explain it exactly.

Please note that this in no way means anyone is dumb. It just makes teaching really abstract things (like computers)... challenging.

And how would I solve the problem? If you've read the "numerology" essay, my solution should come as no surprise.

Posted by scott at 02:18 PM eMail this entry!
July 14, 2002
Warning: This Web Site Could Waste Time

The sad thing about this collection of warnings is that most of them were probably put on because people actually tried doing this stuff. Here's your sign...

Posted by Ellen at 09:24 AM eMail this entry!
July 12, 2002
Sex Change?

This article tells you how to check and see if somone you know is getting a sex change.

Sometimes, you just got to know these things. *eyes Scott suspiciously*

Posted by Ellen at 08:21 PM eMail this entry!
Southwest Finds Way to Increase Profits

I always knew Southwest was just a bus with wings. Now they're turning into cattle cars. It's satire people.

Posted by scott at 04:52 PM eMail this entry!
Engrish Pt 3

Ok, I'm linking to this article about Japanese language skills only because it lets me link up engrish.com again, which I think is probably the funniest thing we've ever mentioned on this site.

No, I'm not making fun of Japanese. Far from it. But as a computer programmer, syntax is everything, and I love wordplay. The unintentional malapropisms of "engrish" are deeply funny from a purely structural point of view. You see, I'm one of those people that falls over laughing when someone writes "GREEN" on a red sheet of paper.

Yes, Ellen thinks it's wierd too.

Posted by scott at 04:48 PM eMail this entry!
July 10, 2002
Well, I Know Who Maru & Pat & Jeff Would Vote For

So now a dog is running against the FL Secretary of State that helped lead the 3-ring circus of the last presidential election.

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2002
Arkansas Razorback

This looks like a razorback!! -well its a red pig anyway. BUT, have you ever seen it used like this!?

Posted by Ellen at 06:52 PM eMail this entry!
Worst Bridesmaid Dresses?

Ok. I'm a guy. I wear mismatched socks with shorts on (and pull them up to my knees). My wife threw out a bunch of my underwear when we got married because they had... "character". I've walked around out in public with my shirt on backwards, white socks with blue slacks, and an undershirt with a pattern you could see through my button-down shirt (not all at once... well not often all at once).

So I'm a guy. I'm a moron when it comes to clothes. So would someone please explain to me why women pay money to go out in huge public ceremonies in these things?!?

What's the worst thing you ever had to wear to a wedding?

Posted by scott at 06:29 PM eMail this entry!
ENRON Voice Mail System

My Aunt Donna sent me this one via email.

Ever wonder HOW they get the same person to do just about every damn voice mail system out there? This is the same guy!?? WeIrD!~

ENRON voice mail system.

I'm sure all of you also know that the current issue of Playboy is the "Women of ENRON"- only had 4 nice looking chixes to pose nekkid. My question is * If these are the women of ENRON, are there only 4 of them total? or 4 only worthy of posing naked? * HMM......

As Scott would say " I don't look at the pictures..much".

Posted by Ellen at 05:50 PM eMail this entry!
Smoke Heralds Canadian Invasion

Hey, Ellen, that smoke we're seeing from Canada? It's the first shot in their invasion! I told you those Canadians you work with were up to no good. Spies I tell you! Spies!

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2002
Joe Cartoon

One of my veterinary friends told me about this site. Joe Cartoon.

Weird, yet funny! Go check out Classic Joe. * froggie blender included*

Posted by Ellen at 06:43 PM eMail this entry!
Cursing Is GOOD For You.

Scientific findings has proven that cursing is good for you. Keep cursing people! *lowers blood pressure*

Posted by Ellen at 06:39 PM eMail this entry!
Apple-Nipple-Monkey

Ok, it's animated, but it's pretty raunchy too. Mom should probably pick the "lil kids" version. But it's damned funny. Apple-nipple-monkey

Posted by scott at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
It was WORTH It!

This shit is great! Whoever did this caught this guy red-handed.

In my opinion, she was being mild about it. Only a tad mad. I once told Scott( our on going joke) that if this ever happed to me, I would mail him her head in a nice white box with a red ribbon on it. Oh yeah, then he would 'disapear' too. *wink*

Cool comeback

Posted by Ellen at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
The Magic Bullet

I play a lot of on-line games. Most people who hang out with me know that while I can be a hassle to shoot, I'm usually not all that dangerous because I can't hit a damned thing. It's almost cartoony how I can empty an entire machine gun at a badguy and then have them just walk away. Hey, Jeff, you think this would help? I was figuring on putting you in the sling!

Posted by scott at 10:41 AM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2002
The Things Women Do

The funniest thing about this article is that it was written by a guy in Kenya. Which just proves that some things are universal.

Posted by scott at 08:34 AM eMail this entry!
July 03, 2002
The BEST Advertisment EVER!

LOOK at it first before you go.. " goddamit Ellen! that's nasty!"

It's NOT what you think!

I should say that Scott did a double take and then laughed.

See it here

Posted by Ellen at 07:03 PM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2002
10 Signs You Drank Too Much

This was found of the link area to 2 Odd Sites a Day *update dammit! we need more weirdness!*

If you drink, you will get it. If you don't drink, well...you must think everything leads to dancing. Dancing is bad m-kay?? *This message brough to you by all anal retentive baptists everywhere*

10 Signs You Drank Too Much

Posted by Ellen at 01:44 PM eMail this entry!
50 Fun Things for Non Christians to do in Chruch

This was damn funny.

I grew up Roman Catholic, but my mind has refused to remember most of it. My sister went to catholic school until the 8th grade. She most likely knows more than me in that department.

Posted by Ellen at 08:55 AM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2002
Panda Porn

Ok, the Chinese are just weird too. They are also obsessed with Pandas, which is a good thing since they are endanged and all.

But they have decided instead of giving their male pandas viagra, they figured a good dose of panda porn is all they need. Apparently the pandas reallly like it.

I wonder what thier KY-Jelly bill is?

Posted by Ellen at 12:51 PM eMail this entry!
Baby Bombers!

This is a joke people! Baby Suicide Bomber. At first eveyone thought it was real, but it's not. I wouldn't push it past them to do it.

Though, if you think about it. They are easier to throw. :P

Posted by Ellen at 12:45 PM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2002
Sex On The Beach

It's not just a drink! People actually do this!

When Scott and I were in Jamaica, one of the rules were:
1. you can run around int the skimpiest bathing suit/clothes you wanted, but don't be all the way naked.
2. If you were going to have sex on the beach, please do it at night, where most people won't see you *though I don't know why people WOULD want to have sex on sand..kinda scratchy* 3. If ya want to hit a kinky resort, go to Hedonsim. There are 3 of them now to choose from.

Unlike these two that got caught. Tells ya that sun and drinking leads to stupid people

Posted by Ellen at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
June 27, 2002
Computer Buddies

Got one of those desktop buddy critters that come out and chat to you or walk across your screen? I do. I got a Felix. I love it. Its too friggin cute.

I did a search on the net for computer buddies and came up with this. Not only is it a buddy. Its a half nekkid one. Though I can't figure out to send stuff with it. It seems that the program doesn't work right. I mean how am I able to send a sexy buddy greeting to Scott and she doesn't work? Thats like hiring a stripper and she doesn't show up!

Sexy Buddy *who you can pick from several types with the SAME body, but different color skin and ethnic backround* runs for $39.95. But would you want to spend that kind of money if the damn site can't even test a FREE sexy gram? I mean I wanted to see what I sent. I even tried to send one to myself. It does not work. So I wasted time and effort of sending Scott a computer sexy gram and she may not even show up!

So I went back to the site ok, and I clicked on a FREE buddy. Of course it was a cat. This one's name is Oscar. I installed it. But he won't pop up. Maybe I put him in the wrong drive.

You can even get a FREE Tahni. Yeah, its another computer chix, but at least she is free.

Of course you can always NOT download one and spare yourself some annoyance. But then again, it depends what kinda buddy you get.

Posted by Ellen at 04:31 PM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2002
The Mystery of the Odd Sock

Ok, this happens at my place all the damn time! Socks with no buddies. There is ALWAYS a sock that is missing the friend it came with.

Drive down the highway and you may just see that sad little sock lying on the side of the road. Obviously it was killed while trying to cross the street.

Scientists have now debunked WHY you get that Odd Sock

What do you think? I think my socks are running along the highway somewhere.

Posted by Ellen at 09:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 25, 2002
Arkansas Quarter

The new Arkansas quarter is being dedicated to former President Clinton. *CLICK HERE* to see the new quarter!

Posted by Ellen at 04:37 PM eMail this entry!
Alligator STILL Loose in Cincinnati

Ok, HOW hard is it to catch a 'tiny' alligator?

Watch out Scott!!! Make sure you LOOK in the toilet before you use it!

Posted by Ellen at 04:28 PM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2002
Cow Sh*t for College

Ok, so cow pies + bored southerners = something Ellen can come up with a crude comment about. Beware Ellen! Your Southern mama may have secret sparklies, so Be Nice!

Posted by scott at 08:00 PM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2002
One Cat Thing Ellen Won't Put On the Wall

Now they're putting "hello kitty" on an ... um ... personal relaxation device?!?

Posted by scott at 01:52 PM eMail this entry!
Johnson's 1st Axiom of Non-Profit Computing

If I made your jobs more effecient, you'd just screw up faster

It's nearly convention time here, and the ability for people to fark up their systems in new and interesting ways never ceases to amaze me.

Posted by scott at 10:59 AM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2002
More Strange Spheres

Yet another weird unidentifiable sphere has washed up on our shores. What to do, what to do...

Posted by scott at 09:05 AM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2002
A Whole New Meaning to the Name 'Firebird'

This one is going to make Jeff's stomach turn. It made my sides split. Party popper + moron + classic firebird = toastycar!

Posted by scott at 07:05 PM eMail this entry!
Spam Spam Spam Spam

The 6 billionth can of SPAM rolls off the assembly line this month according to this ABCNEWS.com article. I used to live for the stuff when I was a kid, but it's too close to the pickled pigs feet today for me to go near it!

When was the last time you ate spam?

Posted by scott at 10:32 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2002
Science to Boomers: You Will Die. Soon.

So now boomers are trying so hard to cope with their gibbering fear of death that they're actually hurting themselves trying to put it off.

Do like my Uncle did. Buy a Miata and some pants with elastic waste bands. Just get over it!

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2002
Beaterz and Ricers and ~tWiTz~, oh my!

Ellen was asking about these sites yesterday, so here they are. These things are thicker than mosquitos in a rice field around here, and we never can stop laughing at them:

Ricers
Beaterz

My brother loves these things. If you have better links, Jeff, be sure to post them.

Posted by scott at 02:48 PM eMail this entry!
Pilsbury Dough Boy

When you tought he was soooo cute.

Good thing for voice overs in commercials.

Thanks to my Aunt Donna sending me that one!

Posted by Ellen at 12:06 PM eMail this entry!
Which Kind of Driver are You?

Well, after watching this most instructional of videos, I think I know where Ellen stands, at least. Where are you? :)

It's a little long, but very funny!

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2002
Birds No Longer a Threat to Planes

Ever what happens to a bird when it gets sucked into a plane engine? NO? Ok, I'll spare you all the gory details of bits flying everywhere and the bird goes *POOF*

Apparently in Australia, birds are not the problem. It's these critters

Makes ya think twice flying.

Posted by Ellen at 04:20 PM eMail this entry!
Choices... Choices...

Ever wonder why they close all the liquor stores down on election days? Looks like the Czech folks don't know either. Which party would you vote for? (I already know Jeff's answer.)

Posted by scott at 03:33 PM eMail this entry!
Well, That's One Place Ellen Won't Golf

Ellen doesn't play golf, but if she did she'd make darned sure to bring a pellet gun to this place. We had a nest of about (no kidding) 3000 crows outside our apartment building over the winter, and they made everyone miserable. The entire property was literally covered in droppings, and you couldn't leave your window open because the noise they made would wake you up.

Posted by scott at 03:13 PM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2002
Engrish Part 2

This was submitted to me by one of my friends, Jen, from my bellydance class. THANKS for the stuff!!!!!

This goes under the category of What The!?

Wanna play a game!? Check this out! Ant City

Posted by Ellen at 07:58 PM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2002
Shhh... Don't Tell Ellen

Pssst... hey buddy... wanna lighthouse? I can get you one cheap!

Ellen'd probably want to live in it.

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
For the Geek Who Has Everything

Ok, this is just way too cool. My ebay vulture should keep an eye on it just to see how much it goes for.

Posted by scott at 10:42 AM eMail this entry!
HEADLINE: Stupid Journalists Not Just US Problem

I only thought our journalists were a bunch of fluff-headed ex-poli-sci majors whose idea of research was to call each other's bureaus. Turns out our media aren't the only numbskulls that don't check their sources.

Posted by scott at 10:37 AM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2002
A WHOLE new meaning

This is a whole new meaning to whats called a finger fuck, literally.

Plastic surgery is just amazing... *lol*

Posted by Ellen at 06:12 PM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2002
Dolphin Sex

Ok, you hear of people all the time wanting to swim with the dolphins, or have sex in the water like dolphins... but what do you do if this happens?

Better bring protection.

Posted by Ellen at 05:01 PM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2002
Just Cool

The funny thing is I remember nearly all of this stuff. The sad thing is that my wife wasn't even 4 in 1980. Gak... :)

Posted by scott at 02:32 PM eMail this entry!
Engrish

I first read about the practice of Japanese using English words that made sense to them but to nobody else in Confucius Lives Next Door, a book written by a former Washington Post bureau cheif who got posted in Japan for some years. As I recall, the one he thought most amusing was a sign that read "Let's Sex!" above an ice cream shop. The author explained that these things happen because a) the Japanese love most things American and b) they tend to pick slogans that sound phonetically like Japanese stuff.

It is because of this that I won't put oriental symbols on anything I own. It's nothing personal, I swear. It's just I have this sneaky feeling that I would end up with "Stupid gaijin doesn't want to be bothered to learn Japanese. Let's Sex!" stamped on the back of my t-shirt.

Anyway, this stuff is extremely funny. We're talking laugh-out-loud here. An example:

MR. FRIENDLY: HE ALWAYS STAYS NEAR YOU AND STEALS IN YOUR MIND TOLEAD YOU INTO A GOOD SHITUATION (found on the side of a wallet)

However, the site is a bit slashdotted right now, so it may be quite slow. Be patient, it's worth it.

Engrish.com

Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
Oh. My. God. pt. II

And of course, there's nothing so sick and twisted that someone can't make a hilarious parody of it: (safe for work)

Realhampster.com

Posted by scott at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
Bridezilla!

Every man who's ever gotten married has been confronted with BRIDEZILLA!!!! We had an all-inclusive wedding package to Jamaica, where all we had to do was show up dressed, and I still had to deal with an insane woman for a month. Ellen just got done dealing with Bridezilla (see our May archives), and I'm sure there will be more.

The best one I ever saw was a co-worker a few years ago. He was overall a nice guy but could be an arrogant snot. At one point I was talking about how awful my friends' wives-to-be were leading up to the event and he basically said "That's because they weren't helping. I am going to be there for my wife, I'll do as much as I can and help with everything." To which all the other guys snickered a bit and muttered "yeah right."

Fast forward to about four weeks before the event. I asked my co-worker how it was going with the wife-helping thing, and he says, "OH MY GOD! I can't believe it! She's insane! I tried to help at first but all I did was get yelled at because I kept screwing it up. I'm just going to show up and say my two words and hope I get my girl back!"

So listen up guys. Weddings are just one of those incomprehensible things that women put themselves through. There is nothing you can really do other than stay out of the way and accept blame graciously. You can try and help and put out a lot of energy and hope and love, and get screamed at and blamed and put out on the couch, or you can grab a beer, sit in front of the TV, nod your head occasionally, and get screamed at and blamed and put out on the couch.

Any questions?

Posted by scott at 10:52 AM eMail this entry!
Business Execs Sell What Little Soul They Have Left to Ozzy

I know that somewhere there's an MBA course that teaches you to do anything to make money. How else could you explain it?

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2002
Jesus chose this-->

Apparently Jesus did not die by crucifixtion. He commited suicide. Don't belive me? Take a look at his letter.

Well maybe its the second comming Jesus....the dates are a bit off.

Jesus's suicide note

Posted by Ellen at 04:38 PM eMail this entry!
Yet Another Stupid News Break

Now, how long have people been saying this? Creativity vs Mental Illness

I love it when the press is like, OH MY GOD! -its not exactly a new story, but lets change the headlines! That will make people think its somthing new! YEAH! then they will read it! *all press people nod their heads in approval and give themselves a rather large pat on the back for being...creative*

Posted by Ellen at 01:20 PM eMail this entry!
Stupid Forklift Tricks

"Pssst... *giggle giggle* Charlie... *snort*... I got a really cool idea!"

"Yeah Bob? What?"

"Let's move the truck before *giggle* Sam gets back with the *chuckle* forklift!"

"*SNORT* Nah... *hoot* we can't *giggle* do that!"

"*Giggle* Sure! C'mon! It'll be cool! I mean, what's the worst that could happen? "

You folks have to ask my brother Jeff to tell his story about the guy that got out of a tank, which slipped into gear, which got kinda personal with a Chevy Suburban. Did you take pictures of that one Jeff?

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2002
Southern vs. Yankee

See, I wouldn't have to worry about this happening to me. As the spouse of an Italian-American New Yorker, I would simply be erased from the space time continuum. The best I could hope for is a "him? Oh, no, I was never convicted for doing anything to him".

Posted by scott at 09:19 PM eMail this entry!
That's One Helluva Tech Call

Ok. If this happens to your computer mom, just don't even bother calling me. I know computers, but "the crocodile hunter" I aint'.

Posted by scott at 09:17 PM eMail this entry!
May 28, 2002
Wheelchair Races

WHEEEEEEE!!!

It's not what you think. I'll prolly get in trouble by old people everywhere. (yes I am VERY aware I will be one one day)

I actually should of called the title,"Another Fun Way to Kill Your Spouse When Life is 2 Much for the Both of You"

Posted by Ellen at 06:43 PM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2002
Drive Carefully

I suppose they found this road sign somwhere in Arkansas. Scott told me there used to be old nuclear missle silos out there.

Now a days you can purchase an empty one and convert them into houses. If I am recalling correctly, one was auctioned off of ebay a few months ago.

Posted by Ellen at 03:13 PM eMail this entry!
May 26, 2002
Eggs

The Incredible, Edible EGG!

ps. you may want to check this out. You may look at your breakfast differently. *come to think of it, I wouldn't know if you think its a good OR bad thing*

Posted by Ellen at 10:22 PM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2002
Tweety Bird

I am not a fan of Loony Toons. They are not my style. I do not laugh at them. They are just not my time or kind of cartoon ya know... I do know that Tweety needs a face lift by now.

What do you think?

Posted by Ellen at 09:06 PM eMail this entry!
Another Level of Seafood

Where you can eat seafood and get an STD all in one place!

WOW! Who thought of that one ;)

Posted by Ellen at 09:02 PM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2002
Dirty Lil Moneky!

When stuffed animals turn naughty!~ Sock Monkey

Posted by Ellen at 04:24 PM eMail this entry!
Poor Ronald...

I'll never understand why people are afraid of clowns. I mean, it's not like Stephen King wrote a story about th... rrr... nevermind.

Posted by scott at 02:05 PM eMail this entry!
Now Why Didn't I Think of That?
Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2002
Like I Said, Brits are Just as Dumb as Us

Looks like someone is about to be "made redundant".

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
Best Thing that Could've Happened to It

Howsabout 45k tons of beer closing a major highway? It's not like it's Sam Adams or anything. Bet there were lots of happy possums and racoons that night.

Posted by scott at 09:25 AM eMail this entry!
The Best Excuse Ever

No explanation needed for this one, it pretty much introduces itself. :)

Posted by scott at 09:07 AM eMail this entry!
May 16, 2002
When Cars Are Outlawed, Only Ducks Will Speed

Here's a nifty shot of a duck caught speeding. Yes, a duck.

Posted by scott at 11:00 AM eMail this entry!
Every Teenage Boy's Fantasy

Ok, this is pretty peculiar, wouldn'tcha say?

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2002
Vice Principal Replies: Panties = Safety

Ok, got a follow up to this story I put up a few weeks ago. Now the lady says she did it for the public good. Ah hell, as far as I'm concerned, everybody lies, so I don't know who to believe anymore. Not particularly sure I care either, but there's just something funny about this one.

Posted by scott at 07:31 PM eMail this entry!
Loverly Quote

I love this quote:

People think Microsoft is the answer. Microsoft is just the question, "No" is the answer.

Too bad my brother's already been assimilated. They're going to force me to put an exchange server on my network, so you guys all got to pray for me or I'll get assimilated too!

Posted by scott at 03:24 PM eMail this entry!
Apples & Oranges

I think I'll get one of these, if nothing else just to make my brother twitch.

It Burrnnsss ussssss... it burnssssss!!!

Posted by scott at 03:12 PM eMail this entry!
Buggre Alle This

As per normal when I am gone for more than 8 hours at a time from here, stupid people and stupid things come out of the woodwork, and they've usually hired 1-3 new people. So, a quote to give you an idea of how I'm feeling:

Setup: This was found inside Ezekiel, chapter 48 in a 17th century printed English bible:

(This is fiction, but things like this really did happen, especially in the margins)

4. And bye the border of Naphtali, from the east fide untoe the west fide, a portion for Manaffeh.
5. Buggre Alle this for a Larke. I amme sick to mye hart of typefettinge. Master Biltonn if no Gentelmann, and master Scagges noe more than a tighte fisted Southwarke Knobbefticke. I telle you, onn a daye laike thif Ennywone withe half an oz. of Sense shoulde bee oute in the Sunneshain, ane nott Stucke here alle the liue-long daie inn thif mowldey olde By-Our-Lady Workefhoppe.
6. And bye the border of Phraim, from the east fide even untoe the west fide, a portion for Reuben.

--Good Omens, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman.

An extremely good read, BTW.

Updates: Put it in a different font for "old eyes". Also, on reading the quote it becomes apparent that this was not a monk but a typsetter in early (probably protestant) England, when operating a press was mostly manual labor. Again, fiction but very close to the truth. The original biblical passage can be found here

Posted by scott at 12:06 PM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2002
More Stupidity!!- Just when you thought it would stop!

Ok, I really think these people are stupid for many reasons.

1. How dumb are you to cross a damn desert to get into the US illegally.

2. I'm glad if you die of dehydration, because whats the fun of you getting here illegally w/out some sort of challenge? Come prepared moron!

3. I think its funny that you are trying to sue the US govenrment for not giving you water stations to cheat your way in!

For the full story: Stupid Illegal Immigrants

Posted by Ellen at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2002
That's a Lot of Daqueris

Another big frikken iceberg has broken off antartica. And no, I'm not at all sure I spelled "daqueris" right. I couldn't remember how to spell marguerita either. Gak. ;)

Posted by scott at 05:57 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2002
Microsoft to States: Settlement Could Lead to Dancing

Don't make us settle! If we do, hackers will suddenly be able to attack our products. Because of course we all know they can't do that at all right now. Reminds me of Bill Murray on Ghostbusters... "Cats and Dogs, sleeping together, MASS HYSTERIA!

Posted by scott at 04:45 PM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2002
And Then They Took My Soda, and There Was No-One to Speak for Me

First green ketchup, then purple ketchup, then M&Ms comes out with new colors, then they put Doritos in a juice bottle, now this??? Stop the madness!!!

Oh, and Coke owns Jesus too.

Snagged from Shacknews.

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
Boobies + Smoke = ?

Well, I guess if you take this and this together, well, I'm not sure it means anything at all actually, I just wanted to put "boobies" in a subject line.

Heheheheheh ... ehehehheheheh ... you said boobies... heheheheheh

Posted by scott at 01:02 PM eMail this entry!
Now that Sure as Hell Ain't Kansas

Ok, now we've got this guy who wants to secede from Germany and form "the kingdom of Dracula". Think that's wierd and unique? It's not anywhere near as strange as Sealand, a country literally perched on top of an old artillery platform. Really!

Posted by scott at 12:57 PM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2002
An oldie, but a goodie

This has been around awhile, but it still makes me laugh out loud.

Today my office is a revolving door moronathon, so I may not be able to do too many updates. I'm also getting tired of the layout here, I think it's kinda lame having (IMHO) kick-ass content with a box-stock MT template. I just have to get up the gumption to change it. More as things develop.

Posted by scott at 11:39 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2002
Women + Comics

Well, it looks like at least some comic store owners are trying to double their clientele. Making guy-dominated places more girl-friendly would seem to me a complete no brainer. It's a business guys. Run it like an ego parlor and you'll run it into the ground.

Side note: Note where the citations come from. Yup, DC, Maryland, New York, Virginia. Another case of a DC bureau having a reporter with nothing to do. I'll bet the NY citation is someone from the NY bureau office. Don't you people ever leave the house?!?

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2002
Sounds Like a Simpsons Episode to Me

Ok, I now think that the British are every bit as weird as we are, but they have a better sense of humor.

Posted by scott at 02:54 PM eMail this entry!
How Not to be a Pirate

You get all yer buds together, then make sure everyone has a powerboat, then light out for the middle of the gulf to make some quick cash and what do you end up doing? Picking on a Navy ship. A .50 caliber machine gun may sound smallish, but the rounds it fires are something like 5" long when you include the brass and .5" across. It's a little on the noisy side too.

I fully believe most people turn to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

Courtesy of Jeff.

Posted by scott at 01:59 PM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2002
Ask, and Ye Shall Receive

Well, it looks like there's at least one dumb person in the UK. No smarmy "stupid man" jokes either, mom.

Posted by scott at 01:48 PM eMail this entry!
Stupid Redneck Tricks

Oh joy! Dumb people from Arkansas! Ellen will be so pleased. :)

I remember something vaguely similar happening when I was in college. A bunch of redneck college frat boys got drunk one night and decided to turn a local movie theater into a drive in. They did this by taking their 4wd pickup truck (of course) and driving it through the lobby. Through the big plate glass window-wall, around the concession stand three times, and then out the other wall and they were gone. Of course, they didn't think to bother with the security cams, so they were arrested the next day.

And then there was the time a high school athletic teacher had a party with a bunch of his high school senior students. Seems the fun game was to play real-life William Tell with a revolver and a budweiser can. As expected, the coach aimed a little too low. The thing was, you had a hard time deciding which end of the gun the moron was on.

Is it just America that has stupid people? We have the occasional international user come through here... anyone got stupid stories from around the world?

Posted by scott at 01:34 PM eMail this entry!
May 01, 2002
A Whole New Critter-Cam

I'm not sure if I should be intrigued by this or upset by it. Your tax dollars at work!

Posted by scott at 04:47 PM eMail this entry!
Getting in the Spirit

Ellen is in a wedding in the next few weeks, so I figured this site would be an appropriate one for the occasion. I especially like the code of honor. :)

Snagged this one from Wilwheaton.net.

Posted by scott at 01:36 PM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2002
Stupid Squirrel Tricks
Posted by scott at 10:22 AM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2002
Weird Baby Stuff!

Just some tidbits here and there about babies and stuff. Pretty interesting!

Father's Age Linked To Schizophrenia

Well Duh... Pregnancy and Cigarette Smoke

This works for me!! Pick the Sex of Your Child

Posted by Ellen at 09:09 PM eMail this entry!
People Will Sue for ANYTHING!

Ok, here is a dumb shit that thinks just because cats hate dogs (DUH!) it's a 'hate crime'.

What this guy doesn't realize is that dogs do SUCK! They suck ass big time. GO CAT!!!

What amazes me also, is that this dumb shit is going to represent himself in court. HULLO!!! fuckin loser, you lost just by doing that dumb shit thing. I'm sure this is the kind of person that argues over the price of a 5 cent fireball.

Oh well, win some, lose some. In this case, this dumb ass will surely lose. Like I said. GO CAT!!

Cat vs. Dog

Posted by Ellen at 08:58 PM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2002
Fun With Bunnies

The show was kinda lame, but these clips are pretty good. :)

Posted by scott at 01:26 PM eMail this entry!
Stupid Hornet Tricks

Boeing F/A-18C Hornet? $18 million dollars. AIM-9M Sidewinder? $40,000. Watching all the guys on the flight deck scatter? Priceless.

Attached to an email message originating from "a navy captain":

From the Theodore Roosevelt:

Here's why the "gang on the roof", i.e. sailors on the flight deck, get flight deck pay!

Look closely at both pictures. For friends and family not in the Navy, that's a heat seeking "Sidewinder" missile sliding down the flight deck off that F-18 "Hornet". The aircraft just "trapped" (carrier landing with an arresting wire) back aboard "Teddy," the aircraft carrier. I'm sure that missile caused a tremendous amount of excitement!

That, my friends, is what you call a serious oh-sh*t moment.

Posted by scott at 11:28 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2002
Welcome to My World

Wanna know what it's really like to run a help desk? Try listening to these genuine tech support calls. I've only gotten through a few of them, but so far I've had to face a similar situation at least once, usually several times.

I'm nicer than this guy (which will shock some people who know me), but I know how he feels.

I will never, ever understand why grown ups can suddenly act like six year olds. It's just disgusting how quickly people can degenerate into talking chimps. Don't you realize how stupid you sound? That we're all laughing at you?

Posted by scott at 02:01 PM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2002
Another Goofy "SPOOKY" Picture

Look very, very closely at this picture. If you look carefully enough, you'll eventually spot what is wrong.

Yes, it's silly.

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2002
A Geek with Way Too Much Time On His Hands

What happens when a geek takes SEAL training? Well, it's funny but it ain't real pretty. I bet it gives Jeff flashbacks. Ellen would love it 'cos she's the only person I know that's as mean as a SEAL seargant.

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2002
Send Money to These People Fast

As usual, they figure out that women have sneaky ways of attracting men but no way for it to work in reverse. Still, looks like they're working in that direction. :)

Posted by scott at 03:40 PM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2002
You Know You're From the DC Area

Here's another one from my brother, who sometimes has even less to do than I do while waiting for the next staff person to blow their computer up.

Posted by scott at 02:15 PM eMail this entry!
I Wonder if My Mom's Bought Anything from Him

Gotta love wierd auction thieves. Unfortunately this guy positively reeks of mental illness. Hopefully he'll get some help while in jail.

Posted by scott at 02:11 PM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2002
If I Catch Ellen Trying This, She's Dead Meat
Posted by scott at 03:54 PM eMail this entry!
BOFH -- Again

This Bastard Operator [system admin] from Hell entry isn't anywhere near as technical as the last one, promise. Kudos to Jeff, who sent it to me originally.

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2002
Congrats!

Congratulations go out to my favorite crazy celebrity couple!. I'm sure Ellen will have some choice words.

Posted by scott at 12:44 PM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2002
Pulp Phantom

This is damned clever. If you feel like wasting some time lauging, go see the Pulp Phantom parody.

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2002
The Mind of a 15 Year Old

My sister Nina, or Neenah (how she spells it now) is 15. Very smart, bright girl. She is a total punk ass. She is also quite clever and amusing at times.

This small incident happened in October of 2001, at a pizza parlor in Washingtonville, NY.

NO, I'm not going to tell it like some elaborate story! It was just an amusing moment that had everyone laughing outloud.

My sister, as usual, was bitching and moaning on when the food was going to get to the table. Billy, our dad was also being a total smart ass right back at her. So she sits there and looks at him, and says back, "Dad, shut up, you don't know what your talking about!". "I don't?", he says. " NO! you never pay attention!" *This is the amuzing part* "You are either A. DRUNK!, B.TIRED! or C. BOTH! " she slumps back down in her chair as everyone at the table starts to howl with laughter. Our dad's jaw hit the table.

Billy is not a drunk * I mean, he drinks BUD for christ's sake!* Yes, he is tired. he works the dorky graveyard shifts. But the way she put it was too funny. Guess you had to be there. Scott and I still smile and laugh about the whole thing.

Posted by Ellen at 06:33 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2002
Feng Shui Rulz

When God created the United States, he lifted the east coast once and gave it a good shake. All the loose marbles rolled down to California.

Posted by scott at 11:49 AM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2002
What Geeks do in college

Swear to god, this is funny. Connect your cable modem through a teddy bear and cheat them blind.

Even if you don't understand it, trust me it's funny.

"Bother," said the Borg. "We've assimilated Pooh."

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2002
Stupid Tugboat Tricks

This one comes from my brother, who got mad at me last time I didn't credit him on a link I put up. Talk about unsinkable.

Posted by scott at 01:26 PM eMail this entry!
When Designers Attack

iMac, eat your heart out. Ellen would have to have a cat put on it.

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2002
Damned Computers

One of the more surreal things about computers is the way they come together sometimes. I'm putting together 2 Linux (see below) servers for DNS/DHCP work. The first one took me 3 days to put together. Lots of "try this, reboot, try that, reboot, etc."

My brother is famous for his "nuke it from orbit, it's the only way to be sure" attitude. Any time any computer does anything wierd, his advice is "fdisk and reformat". By doing this you not only erase the contents of the hard drive, you also erase the structure of the hard drive itself. Reformatting is like getting all new furniture for an office and re-arranging everything. Fdisking is sort of like gutting the building and putting in new insides.

Well, while banging my head bloody trying to get IDE Mirroring (a way to make two hard drives act like one, so if one dies the whole thing doesn't stop) working, I decided I'd screwed it up so bad I needed to nuke it from orbit and start all over. So I pulled out my trusty DOS boot disk (the sonic screwdriver of sysadmin tools), fdisked and formatted both disks (one at a time), and then re-started it.

This is when a really frustrating situation turned into a really wierd situation. Imagine my surprise when, after this re-start, the goddamned thing booted up. Well, sort of. The linux install was so badly frelled at that point that it got about 1/3rd of the way through and croaked. It was doing that before. But it shouldn't have been doing it at all. I'd erased all that stuff! Twice!

Now I'm sure all the *nix gurus out there are thinking "MORON" and "OF COURSE IT DID THAT", but to someone who grew up using DOS, Windows 2.x, 3.x, and 9x, this was bizzare beyond belief. Fdisk is the tac-nuke in the PC hardware guy's arsenal. Nothing is supposed to survive it.

Imagine you're a king (or queen) back in the middle ages. Someone makes you so mad you take a sword and lop off their head just to get them to shut up. What was happening here was sort of like having that person proceed to get up, pick up their head, tuck it under their arm, and start beating you with a stick. It's just not natural!

I did eventually get it working.

The first system took three days to build. The second will take three hours. Computers are wierd.

Posted by scott at 09:38 AM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2002
BOFH, My Hero

Here's the latest entry from the BOFH archive.

This is what every single sysadmin really feels like all the time. It's fiction, but it's oh-so-good.

Posted by scott at 12:42 PM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2002
GEEK OUT!

No essay today (hooray!), because I spent all day wrestling with a new Linux server at work. Some of you will know what Linux is, others won't. In a nutshell, Linux is an operating system for a personal computer based on System V Unix. And no, you're not supposed to just automatically know what the hell I'm talking about. The best writeup I've ever seen of this subject came from Neal Stephenson's In the Beginning was the Command Line.

The whole essay has a ton of just great stuff in it, but here's the excerpt most directly about Linux that non-geeks won't need a translator to understand:


Imagine a crossroads where four competing auto dealerships are situated. One of them (Microsoft) is much, much bigger than the others. It started out years ago selling three-speed bicycles (MS-DOS); these were not perfect, but they worked, and when they broke you could easily fix them.

There was a competing bicycle dealership next door (Apple) that one day began selling motorized vehicles--expensive but attractively styled cars with their innards hermetically sealed, so that how they worked was something of a mystery.

The big dealership responded by rushing a moped upgrade kit (the original Windows) onto the market. This was a Rube Goldberg contraption that, when bolted onto a three-speed bicycle, enabled it to keep up, just barely, with Apple-cars. The users had to wear goggles and were always picking bugs out of their teeth while Apple owners sped along in hermetically sealed comfort, sneering out the windows. But the Micro-mopeds were cheap, and easy to fix compared with the Apple-cars, and their market share waxed.

Eventually the big dealership came out with a full-fledged car: a colossal station wagon (Windows 95). It had all the aesthetic appeal of a Soviet worker housing block, it leaked oil and blew gaskets, and it was an enormous success. A little later, they also came out with a hulking off-road vehicle intended for industrial users (Windows NT) which was no more beautiful than the station wagon, and only a little more reliable.

Since then there has been a lot of noise and shouting, but little has changed. The smaller dealership continues to sell sleek Euro-styled sedans and to spend a lot of money on advertising campaigns. They have had GOING OUT OF BUSINESS! signs taped up in their windows for so long that they have gotten all yellow and curly. The big one keeps making bigger and bigger station wagons and ORVs.

On the other side of the road are two competitors that have come along more recently.

One of them (Be, Inc.) is selling fully operational Batmobiles (the BeOS). They are more beautiful and stylish even than the Euro-sedans, better designed, more technologically advanced, and at least as reliable as anything else on the market--and yet cheaper than the others.

With one exception, that is: Linux, which is right next door, and which is not a business at all. It's a bunch of RVs, yurts, tepees, and geodesic domes set up in a field and organized by consensus. The people who live there are making tanks. These are not old-fashioned, cast-iron Soviet tanks; these are more like the M1 tanks of the U.S. Army, made of space-age materials and jammed with sophisticated technology from one end to the other. But they are better than Army tanks. They've been modified in such a way that they never, ever break down, are light and maneuverable enough to use on ordinary streets, and use no more fuel than a subcompact car. These tanks are being cranked out, on the spot, at a terrific pace, and a vast number of them are lined up along the edge of the road with keys in the ignition. Anyone who wants can simply climb into one and drive it away for free.

Customers come to this crossroads in throngs, day and night. Ninety percent of them go straight to the biggest dealership and buy station wagons or off-road vehicles. They do not even look at the other dealerships.

Of the remaining ten percent, most go and buy a sleek Euro-sedan, pausing only to turn up their noses at the philistines going to buy the station wagons and ORVs. If they even notice the people on the opposite side of the road, selling the cheaper, technically superior vehicles, these customers deride them cranks and half-wits.

The Batmobile outlet sells a few vehicles to the occasional car nut who wants a second vehicle to go with his station wagon, but seems to accept, at least for now, that it's a fringe player.

The group giving away the free tanks only stays alive because it is staffed by volunteers, who are lined up at the edge of the street with bullhorns, trying to draw customers' attention to this incredible situation. A typical conversation goes something like this:

Hacker with bullhorn: "Save your money! Accept one of our free tanks! It is invulnerable, and can drive across rocks and swamps at ninety miles an hour while getting a hundred miles to the gallon!"

Prospective station wagon buyer: "I know what you say is true...but...er...I don't know how to maintain a tank!"

Bullhorn: "You don't know how to maintain a station wagon either!"

Buyer: "But this dealership has mechanics on staff. If something goes wrong with my station wagon, I can take a day off work, bring it here, and pay them to work on it while I sit in the waiting room for hours, listening to elevator music."

Bullhorn: "But if you accept one of our free tanks we will send volunteers to your house to fix it for free while you sleep!"

Buyer: "Stay away from my house, you freak!"

Bullhorn: "But..."

Buyer: "Can't you see that everyone is buying station wagons?"

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!