Ok, I get it. For every dangerously useless government bureaucrat I find under the rocks on the left side of the peanut gallery, you'll find dangerously useless lawyers on the right side. Hey, here's a thought! Let's put the libertarians in charge! They want to take over the government so they can leave you alone!

Oh, Earth, how can I destroy you, let me count the ways. A rite of passage in science fiction circles seems to be at least one apocalyptic novel, so I'm surprisingly familiar with, well, all the methods listed here.

Those ...those ...gay! (color wands galore!) people...CLEVER!

Crazy teenage lesbians. I wonder what Disney is thinking about this?

Ya think!?

Apparently we are not allowed to do this to our yard for Halloween this year.

Ah, well, it looks like Ellen's dream to draft Amber so they can be the only people running after a storm just got a lot more crowded. The last season of Storm Chasers prominently featured scenes that depicted how crowded the, well, I guess for some it's an occupation, has become. Still, the crowds were unusual, and most of the time the guys in the show really did seem to be all on their own. Which, of course, won't stop them from biatching when "commoners" get in their way.

At first I was like, dude. Then when he rolled it out of the garage, I was like, dude. It's often said, "to increase speed, add lightness." Leave it to a German to take that maxim and run it right out the other side of lunacy.

An auction link, so check it while you can: Feast your eyes on what was once, briefly, the most expensive production car in the world. As of, as I recall, 1982. If inflation calculators are to be believed, it would be priced right around $265k nowadays. All of those people who make fun of Ellen's goofy box of an Italian sedan are pleased to be sitting down and shutting their trap now.

It seems the guy who's built a career out of being an annoying idiot has finally posted an upskirt too far. Powerful people have been hunting around for an excuse to muzzle this nattering nabob for years. As so often happens in these cases, I'm not sure anyone counted on him providing the lever himself.

Oh, and let's all hope this teaches Miley, and the rest of them, that miniskirts make panties mandatory, eh?

The noise the South Africans are making with their cheap plastic horns is so annoying the BBC is exploring electronic filters. I happened to be in a restaurant last Friday that had the world cup on, and I can definitely attest to how annoying that din really is. I at first thought there was something wrong with the TV.

Headline says it all: Smash and Grab Fails When Burglar Hits Self with Rock.

A British soap opera actress was recently told her boobs were too big for HD. The kicker? She's a quite-well-preserved 52 year-old who's character has been on the show for more than twenty years. With picture!

Jeff gets a no-prize that's not a g-d teenager, ok??? for bringing us A preview of Ralph Macchio's latest project. Not sure if that's actually his wife or not, but if she is, well done sir. Well done.

Ellen and Amber, let me show you them...

Well, except for the snake. They both like snakes.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that can't get up for bringing us a bit of fluff that shows what a modern browser is capable of. Yes, yes, I know, but, like the great man said, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

When you see one loopy Japanese teen it seems that maybe they can be individuals after all. It's when you see pictures of dozens of them that you realize well, maybe not. Note: Main pictures are fine but some of the ads are quite NSFW.

I've often wondered what would happen if a car hit one of those toll booth dividers I regularly drive past every day. Thanks to some chick in the Ft. Worth area, I no longer have to wonder. And alcohol may have been involved? You don't say.

I'm pretty sure half the audience was expecting Lost to actually end this way. I never got into the program, so I'm just going on the basic amusement value of this. Others may get a better chuckle from it than I did.

Ron gets a no-prize that's just not right for bringing us Retarded Policeman #9. The thing is, this is what goes on in the minds of most regular guys. Oh yeah right, like chicks don't take advantage of it.

Any time a guy has a pile of brush and a gasoline can, you know something dumb is about to happen. Kya-boom!

Mike J. gets a very puzzling no-prize for bringing us a rather curiously labeled door. Years ago the Chevy dealership in the town I grew up in had a sign on its main garage door that read something like, "if this door is down honk your horn and Larry will open it." I always wondered what would happen if Larry called in sick that day.

I can think of nothing more discouraging than to set off an explosion so righteous it levels the bank, only to see the obstinately intact ATM bounding away down the street. Leave it to the Germans to take an interesting idea and add so many moving parts to it a failure is nearly as interesting as a success.

As someone who's spent years discarding wonderful photos because of the stupid f--- in the back, it's nice to see I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets to check the background when he pulls the trigger. I only wish my goofs were that amusing.

Nothing quite like 25 pictures of just how destructive kids can be to put your little hurricane-in-keds in perspective. Bonus: two of Olivia's greatest hits are depicted. I know teenagers have a deservedly worse reputation, but, far as I'm concerned, I definitely don't miss the days when cheese puffs were a weapon of mass electronics destruction.

Ellen! Ellen! Look! This must be what they were like when they were teenagers! No boobies or winkies, but definitely NSFW nonetheless. But damned funny.

Leave it to standard poodle owners to take something as basic as a trim and ram it right out the other side of ridiculous. Ellen does some of these sorts of things to long-hair cats, but she doesn't use dye. Yet.

It looks like even the legendary car manufacturer Volvo is not immune to the occasional demo failure. The more you complicate the plumbing, etc.

I need one of these. Not for me. Him.

My story, sticking to it.

I'm actually a little surprised I hadn't heard of the weatherman gaffe until now.

Pat gets a no-prize that'll threaten to stop the car if we don't all settle down for bringing us a mother bear "rescuing" her cub. Me, I think it was less a rescue and more an example of the lengths parents will go to get their kids to shut the heck up.

“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my muffin.” So did Betty White introduce her delicacy on “Delicious Dish,”

I am sad I forgot about this!

One of the less often noted features of pop music is its amazing flexibility. Hopefully the guy won't get busted for violating copyright or licensing. Yeah, it's a parody, but when's the last time that stopped the RIAA?

Me: "Ellen, you gotta see this."

Ellen: "The upside down kid is the best... Oh, god, the upside down one... and this one's using the wrong finger... and naked photos..."

It appears that yesterdays market chaos was caused by a trader entering "b" for billions instead of "m" for millions. These sorts of errors are possible often because it never occurs to the developers that someone would be that dumb. Unfortunately, they all too often are.

I'll see your "OMFG! We want your money and you won't give it to us BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!" politicians and raise you a governor who's been abducted by freaking ALIENS. There's progressive, and then there's progressive.

I WANT TO BELIEVE!

Yeah, well, no excuses: Republican senator busted looking at porn on the Senate floor. The question for the day is, are Democrats avoiding getting busted on these things because they're just that virtuous, or because they're not smart enough to actually point the web browser at the right site?

I'm sure you've already guessed my answer.

Sometimes it takes a few jokes to bring home how awful a place can be. Unfortunately people living in communist regimes have been telling jokes like this all the way back to the days of Lenin. Professors still think it's a viable system of government.

So, well, do you??? Those of you who liked "Dorkness Rising" would do well to find season 1 of The Guild. Unlike Dorkness, they've announced season 4 of The Guild. Available on DVD and Netflix streaming!

Gamers are professional paranoiacs because there really is someone out to get us, and the game master gets to bend the rules to do it.

The fact we can even attempt to compare Social Security with Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme speaks volumes. I've long considered my Social Security contributions as an expensive tax, money I'll never see again. I can state with full confidence that if I'd been given all that money as vouchers meant for tax-deferred accounts my personal retirement portfolio would be far more impressive than it already is.

But no, can't have that. We can't trust you with the money you made! If we just give you that money back who knows what you'll spend it on?

Power Point presentations have been identified as the next enemy the Pentagon must conquer. The folks at my old workplace were generally not competent enough to actually sew one together. At my new workplace, I'm either too far down the food chain to see one, or everyone's too busy to really mess with them. At any rate, the ones I have seen were mercifully restricted to just one or two slides.

Other folks, with other jobs, likely have a different experience. They'll probably find the article even funnier than I did.

Trust me, the only real difference between the inside of this car and mine is the language. Alternate title: a quick lesson in how to swear in Italian.

When posting rants about one's wife, the first advice is to not do it. If one must, one is advised to do so in a forum she does not frequent. Ignore this advice at your peril (post 1, then post 44). It's fun to rant. It's not fun to do it where a permanent record is left behind.

Of course, that assumes the thing isn't some giant hoax. No promises, no wagering.

That would be Octopus: 1, Cameraman: 0. Alien, but smart!

The best part... the best part, is the people who sincerely believe adultery causes earthquakes are ignorant, while the people who sincerely believe global warming causes earthquakes are scientists. I'm laughing at you precisely because you don't think this is funny.

Now that's a typo: "It is a tiny misprint, but an Australian publisher had to pulp a cookbook after one recipe called for "salt and freshly ground black people" to be added to the dish, AFP reported Saturday." I think we now have the answer to, "what's the sound of one proofreader getting sacked?"

I'm suspicious, because the video is just so perfect, but I still LOL'd at this skateboard fail. Note to the squeamish: does not involve blood or broken bones. But it probably should've.

Coming to a Target near you: licensed pop culture images on men's underwear. Surprisingly, I do not actually have underwear with the cross-and-serpent on it. And, personally, I'm fine with that.

Two words: Bacon AT-AT. Or is that three? Is AT-AT even a word? Oh who knows, I'm sure it violates a license or two. And soooo tasty...

I'm not sure why a giant collection of storm trooper pictures is entertaining, but it is. Probably has something to do with all the pollen in the air, that sort of thing.

Because if it was, it would've been Ellen who got a Droid, not me. It does sometimes seem the dratted little thing is omnipotent. But it's only a perception.

Berkeley, CA would like to remind everyone Florida has not completely stolen the Golden State's "wtf is wrong with you?" title. Georgetown's singular homeless man was given a tent so he could camp wherever he wanted in the city. I'm not at all sure if he's still around, thought.

How Zombie-fan Joshua missed out on brain cupcakes is beyond me. Red velvet cake: the utlimate freak-you-out baking good.

We heard about the guy who "blinged up" his bald head on the radio yesterday morning. Now we know what that looks like. An Englishman, being eccentric. Ya don't say...

I'm not at all sure if this supposed creative writing exercise is for real, but it sure is funny. A radical right sci-fi nerd getting yoked to a vapidly leftist emo chick? What's not to love?

Occasionally a Fark headline really does make me laugh out loud. When that happens, I think it's worth memorializing: Military commanders in Afghanistan have found that rather than a verbal apology to tribal leaders, the preferred way to ask forgiveness is to give them New Zealand supermodels. Now that's the wrong sort of animalympics right there, son.

Actually, a couple of these Star-Wars based costumes aren't that bad. And, trust me on this one, they saved the best for last.

Deepak Chopra seems to have taken the meditation equivalent of a massive dump, and the results were about what he would expect. Problems with causality would seem to not be a monopoly of the religious right after all.

Just because it's obvious doesn't mean it's not worth repeating: you should always use the cheapest HDMI cables you can find. Click the graphic to make it enlarge. Lamp cord for speakers, good quality RCA cables, and cheap HDMI. Interconnects, for the rest of us!

Ahem... ~some body TOOOOOOOOOOOO... LUUUUHhuhuhuhohohuvvvv.~ We especially like the couple with the assault rifle and the parrot.

Annie gets an obstinately silly no-prize for bringing us news that an advocacy group is lobbying to have the Washington Monument moved 300 feet to the left. Why? Because that's where L'Enfant intended it to go, that's why!

Now, I understand that island nations have lots of problems specific to their situation. That said, I'm pretty sure one of them capsizing due to overpopulation isn't on that list.

"Well now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise..."

And yes, I realize he's got some weird medical condition making him act this way. If I had a medical condition that made me act that way I would not have any job, let alone one that allows me to tinker with a whole country.

I'll see your be-winged, be-striped, beknighted rice truck and raise you one dragon. Or "Dagron", as the case may be. Ya know, the defining feature of a riced-out Honda is its base is quite cheap. The Corvette is expensive, even when it's a couple of years old. Ah well. His car, his money, his fun. And mine too, since I get to point and laugh at it.

Compensating for "visa-versa?" Why whatever do you mean?

This time I'm including the lyrics because, while the kids are cute, it's a little hard to understand what they're singing. If it gets kids interested in music, I'm all for it!

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.

And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.

Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.

I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)

Damion gets a no-prize that's stone-dead reliable, but only to a point, for bringing us this abject lesson in why race car engineers get paid for what they do.

You'll have this song in your head the rest of the day...

Dang it, they need to come out with v2.0. It's been, what, three years at least?

Ron gets a no-prize he can hurl down at the wayward people when he returns from the mountain for bringing us The Gospel According to John [Moses Browning]. The only bad things I've consistently read about the 1911 was its weight and its kick. I guess that's why they're still so popular after all these years.

Ron T. gets a no-prize that'll impress the ladies in the past again for bringing us the best hard-core nerd headline fail of the year. So far. In the past. Or was it, again?

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll just have to take our word about for bringing us this abject lesson in economic theory. The best part will be the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery will who see injustice and calumny as the lesson to be learned. More's the pity.

Bris?, Seder? Search for Sarah Conner? It's all good. Your mother wants you to visit her. You have fifteen seconds to comply.

Event: a rich association out-bids a different, slightly less rich association for a prime hotel because someone wasn't paying attention to who was going to be in town that weekend.

Result: ZOMG!!1!!ELVENTY!!! ALGORE IS GOING TO KILL COMICON!!!

I watched a non-profit schedule their annual meeting for 14 years. Getting outbid happens. This reaction? Comic book guy would be so proud...

ZOMG!!1!1ONE!1 Google's gonna take over teh hole wurld!!!

Mike J. gets the coveted "tin foil hat" no-prize for bringing us proof that no matter how hard you try to please people, there's definitely going to be someone out there who'll go all Chicken Little on you for trying.

Being a professional graphic artist sometimes just means everyone gets to see your mistakes. Some of them are a little subtle but others...

Now, I'm not at all sure if all of these broadcast news "fails" are legit, but most of them sure seem to be. Looks like a combination of "durpdurpdurp", "it's my last day f'it" to me.

Sometimes there's no improving the Fark headline: I have no idea what you're talking about so here's a picture of an alpaca surfing off the coast of Peru. No, really.

Sorta reminds me of a really retarded-looking cat. I guess it's the pissed off look I'm recognizing.

That's No Angry Mob, that's My Mother. If my own mom hadn't blown out her knees years ago, I'm just about certain she'd be right up there carrying a sign. Heck, I'd lend Olivia to her to hold another, just for the cuteness effect.

Hey, it's definitely more interesting than the local news in our town!

I live in DC! What do you want!?

Mike J. gets a grimly amused no-prize for bringin us this "oddly specific" graveyard sign. No, Ellen, you can't have it.

Leave it to the Top Gear crew to resoundingly call out people with too much time on their hands and far too many crayons in their box. The pictures are scary. The captions are a scream.

Is it a rickroll from 1976? A clever recreation of something that might have come from the 70s? A commercial for "Bob" that went horribly wrong somehow? You decide. Yeah, it's been making the rounds, but I hadn't seen it. Therefore nobody important had seen it either, until now.

Amber got Ellen these ridiculously fuzzy house shoes for Christmas. Now I know who "harvested" them. Go for the picture, stay for the goofy gamer quote at the bottom of the entry.

I have no idea what to make of this. But I like it! Oink oink oink...

No, not Olivia's. This is what's called a "representative sample."

Yeah I know, been making the rounds, but I thought this set of "truth in movie posters" was funnier than most. Maybe because, for once, I've actually seen several on the list?

And it's a nice thought, too. In a weird and twisted way, but still nice.

And now to give Ron and Amber horrific Jersey flash-backs. Some of these I'd seen before, others were quite new. It's my understanding this sort of... behavior... is less a "whole" New Jersey thing and more a "north NJ / East Long Island" sort of thing. None of my in-laws who live in the area look like this, but I bet they know people who do.

Nothing like people who don't even have English as a second language to really get creative with the bootleg merchandise. I think Fox should license those Simpson knock-offs and sell them here as legit. That sort of loopiness just dovetails so nicely with the actual series.

He says it's known as the Dry Gulch chupacabra, after the legendary animal that supposedly sucks the blood of goats.

Really? Goats? This one was found in a trap with a slice of apple.

Mark gets a no-prize don' do nothin' but talk some sense for bringing us this lesson in why it's best to just leave old white people alone. Personally I just want to get my rear home when I'm on the bus. I imagine that's what the old man wanted too.

Update: Some local radio station found the principals, and interviewed them.

Needless to say, the homebound bovines cause "total chaos," upending furniture, scattering belongings, and generally making a mess of things.

It's not every day that you get guest like these.

Fun thing is, we've been to Murfreesburo digging for diamonds! The little water park at the diamond mine was fun too!

Now wait a darned second, I thought Colorado Springs was a bastion of limousine liberals? A case of me getting my cities messed up, or yet another example of progressives making sure the little people are not led astray? Meh, probably the former, but it'd be funnier if it was the latter.

And now, the largest lightsaber battle ever filmed. In Bristol. No, not the planet, the town. I'm not even sure there is a planet Bristol. Oh, God, now I'm doing it too...

One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.

At any rate, I got one that was so loopy and yet so characteristic I captured it. You can listen to the redacted version here. Apologies for all the ads, if there's a better host let me know. Enjoy the quirkiness of what wobbling off one's meds actually sounds like.

No matter how many times you see these, they will always make you laugh.

Wheee!!

Now, personally I'd include a few articles about cars, but otherwise these examples of how men would write women's magazines is bang-on. You know, as it were...

Brent B. gets a very instructive no-prize for showing us what a simple Google search can reveal. Which Ron never even thought of. @Ron: Son, I am disappoint.

Ever wonder what would happen to a laptop if you submerged it in liquid nitrogen? Wonder no more. Two observations: a jerk-off who does something unexpected is still a jerk-off, and does that guy look like Egon or what?

Sorry the vid is grainy! It has grease on it. *Scott*

Remember when mom said to never put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow? That's because she didn't think she needed to tell you not to put flaming crap there too.

Because we all know Ellen's much smarter than that.

Leave it to the Onion to just, out of nowhere, completely skewer "the NASA way." Oh don't worry, it's not mean. But it is appropriate. NASA-friend Kevin, you have been warned.

No, really, when pelicans attack! In this case, a weatherman who screams like a girl. Buck up, man, it's just a goofy bird!

How cute is this!?

I need one!

To this day I haven't found one of those Hitler parodies unfunny. This one is no exception. This marks the second time this re-worded rant matched exactly what I picture going on in the head of one of the people sitting in the extreme left of the peanut gallery.

Hey, if you can't post a huge website dedicated to a tired, old inside joke about British cars, what's the point of having it? Italian wiring has a good reputation for reliability, as long as you realize the wiring diagram is more of a suggestion than an actual, you know, tool. They make this stuff for computer circuits too, but in smaller, more expensive containers.

Think of it as an update to the piña colada song, only with a more realistic ending. I don't have to worry about something like that, because a baseball bat cocking backward behind my head doesn't make a noise.

Mark Ron gets a no-prize that'll keep him warm at night for bringing us yet another quirky Japanese interpretation of a mundane bit of camping gear. Honestly, I got nothing for this one.

Cameraman takes a spill on the ice from our recent storm.

Note how the reporter keeps going. *snicker*

Mark and Ron share a no-prize that's willing to sacrifice for the right thing for bringing us this viral bit of advertising. It's a little long for a Super Bowl ad, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a 30-second version this weekend.

Hey, trust me, it's an emergency of epic proportions around here too: woman arrested for dialing 9-1-1 repeatedly after losing her cellphone. Eerily Ellen-like denouement: it was found in her jacket while police were searching her. If my wife looked at me like she looked at her phone...

Nice to see our side has theatrical wackos too. Oh, shut up. Your side got to do crazy crap like that for the past eight years. Our turn now...

US TV news isn't quite as formulaic. Oh, who am I kidding? We just have a different formula on this side of the pond.

Mark gets a no-prize that makes the dolphin noise for bringing us this silly little bit of fluff.

I guess tattoo artists don't have the advantage of that red squiggly line you get in a word processor. Some of Ellen's ink looks mis-spelled, but that's because it's in Latin. How do I know it's spelled correctly then? Well, Mark (who wrote it out) is still breathing, right?

WIN!

NOTE: This is not one of those "giant loud scream at the end" practical jokes, so no worries there. I especially liked his tiny helper's advice at the end.

Ron gets a gold-plated no-prize for bringing us proof that poor taste knows no color nor national boundary. I think it also just might stand as the signal example of, "if you spend enough money on it, any damned thing can be made to look good." C.f. "Spelling, Tori."

These things just never stop being funny. Well, to me anyway.

Who doesn't like a dress with pom-poms on it!

Three words: Star Wars Disco. 70s Star Wars Disco. 70s, French Star Wars Disco. My brother and I almost wore a hole in a copy of that disco single when it was new. In our defense, I was 9 and he was 7.

Hey, man, scaring the crap out of you as you do your death-defying bungee jump is just what friends are for. I know my friends very well. That's why they'll all be in the next county if I ever try a stunt like this. Kevin and Ron will have to be, I dunno, on Mars or something.

Two words: Cleavage caddie. Like I need another excuse to go rummaging around in there...

Death. Metal. Chicken.

That's about what it sounds like to me, too.

This winter is so cold... [HOW COLD IS IT?!?] ... it's so cold, it renders sea turtles unconscious. Bonus: it's happening in Texas.

By rights, this is a giant trap about to snap into the hottest summer in decades. But I'm not betting money on it.

Nothing like a few really choice TV news bloopers to start your Friday off right. Includes the infamous, "keep f-ing that chicken" clip that Stern kept playing late last year. In that one, the look on the lady on the left's face is priceless.

This website is OLD and RICKETY and a pain in the ass to update.. so you get the SAME story from 2 ppl on this site... FACELIFT needed here!

It turns out George Lucas really does have a sense of humor. I know, I know. It just seems like the very few interviews he seems to give mostly involve him patiently putting up with the reporter. Well, yes, he does that here too, but at least laughs at the end.

Nothing like a bored roommate with access to gay porn to ruin your whole day (SFW). Lemme tell you, one of my family members does that to my electronics, There Would be a Reckoning. And that's only if I got to them first. When Ellen handles things, people just don't show up to work the next day. Or ever.

Fark just announced the winners of its "Best Headlines of 2009", and they really are that special. Yeah, it's a cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo, but it's my cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo. Unlike Face the Nation, at least these chimps are funny. About as useful, too.

Just gotta watch the back-stop, I guess. Mark gets a no-prize that'll he can charge his fellow re-enactors to use for bringing us this great example of "adapt and re-use."

Update: Now with "video that works" goodness!

When A Gramma gets something into her head, it would take nothing short of a crowbar to get it out. The best part is, neither Ellen nor her mother think this lady has much of an accent.

Nothing quite like someone goofing on Garfield. What? Are you kidding? Ok, here's a hint: my wife and Amber give each other framed pictures of their cats for Christmas, and they aren't joking. I never, ever yell at our cats, especially when Ellen's not around. Yep, that's right.

The sad part is, this is only a little exaggerated. One of my favorites: "On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns."

And now, a guy with a blowtorch in his ass. Hey, folks, we know you come here for high brow discussions and fine culture, and we aim to please! Stay classy, AMCG!

I'm sorry, there's just something about a redneck fisherman messing up that never stops being funny. Probably has something to do with his being from Tennessee.

And now, a platinum and diamond vibrator. Yeah, can't see that one heading our way for Christmas any time soon. Seems to me it'd be likely to chafe.

Via, of all places, Instapundit.

Let the Tiger Woods parodies...begin!!! Video is naughty but contains no nudity and, wtf, it's Friday afternoon. Knock yourself out!

First Saturday Night Live, now The Daily Show. The trouble with being funny while making a point is the point sticks a lot better. Well, I guess it's only trouble if the point is toward you.

One thing you can always count on the Democrats for is eating their own children. It took me reading it in three places to realize this really is Code Pink going after the sitting president.

I can remember when there were only 2 other wireless networks detectable in our neighborhood. Recently I had reason to do another scan and there must've been 20. None had names as memorable as this. That sound you hear is Ron furiously scribbling ideas for his, once he gets it.

Idea: Compare how men who watch porn compare with those who don't. Problem: Finding someone, anyone, who can make up the latter group. Sometimes even when the experiment fails to get off the ground it can still tell you something.

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll have to protect from the monks when they come boiling out of Hagia Irene tonight* for bringing us this oh-so-subtle bit of symbolism during a recent Obama press conference. It can't possibly be an accident. I'm just amazed the editor had the balls to run the picture anyway.

----
Oh, go look it up yourself this time.

While I was never (often) like this, I can think of several dozen guys who were. When they were done messing up text games they'd usually head over to the chat rooms.

You know, chat rooms? They were like IM, but with more nerds and creeps.

Latest "best of" Fark headline: Rockville Police shoot Jesus. Awwwwwkwaaaaaard. Actual story, with "no, that really is the headline" goodness is here.

Update: Comment bonus:

What do you call a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A guy who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Also: What is the the difference between apathy and agnosticism?

I don't know, and I don't care.

I always knew the Twilight saga could be summed up in a single sentence, I just didn't know it'd be this funny. Then again, this is Hollywood. I'm pretty sure simple is required, if only to help the executives.

Nothing like a bit of humor to really skewer a sacred cow. Cue the shrieking watermelon response!

See, I'm such a terrible Star Wars nerd it actually bothers me that some of these updates aren't really possible. You know, in a plot-consistent sort of way.

Oh, no, thanks but Ellen gives me a, "needs to get out more" sign at least once a week.

... it's not stupid. Alternatively: "I care not what color the cat is, as long as it catches mice." That said, it still looks like something Olivia would bring home after school

Go for the excellent extended parody. Stay for the huffy, "yes, but Bush..." comments. Eventually these people will have to move on, but I'm not holding my breath.

The only minority less likely to die in a haunted house than black people are gamers. Because it'd take us three days of testing and spell casting before we'd set foot in the yard. F'ing ghosts would throw rocks at us to make us go away.

Ah, I get it now. I get it. Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, that Beck guy I've never actually seen but sure seems to get the left side of the peanut gallery riled up, I now see the truth about those horrible, evil people! Now I understand why everyone on that side takes the sports caster with the thick glasses so damned seriously.

Well, then again...

Squirrels, having trouble climbing down trees, evolved more flexible ankles. Cats, having trouble climbing down trees, evolved humans with pulleys. Via a Fark note to this article.

I'm sure there's a bridezilla in your life you'd wish this on. There's definitely NOT one in ours. My story, sticking to it.

The first part of this sounds like Ellen's pre-child apartment. The rest sounds like various cousins and other relations. But not me. I wasn't cool enough for an apartment. But man, we tore up that dorm room! [Geeky snort!]

Go for the report about a cop who called 9-1-1 because he thought he was OD'ing on pot brownies. Stay for the anchor desk that won't stop giggling. I know, I know, stoners aren't funny. But these are.

Roundabouts are supposed to slow drivers down. Frequent readers will note the use of the word "supposed". Hopefully nobody got hurt.

I guess it's just as well I never saw the aerobics dance championship when it first aired. Not that, you know, anything's wrong with that.

And now, men with mustaches. One of them is traditional, two of them don't look ridiculous. The rest? Well, you'll have to see for yourself.

Just in time for the sequel to premiere, we have proof SNL can still sometimes be relevant. And that Taylor Swift is at least as good an actress as what's-'er-name. But since he's not, you know, sparkly, I don't think Amber will be as interested in this one.

When I was in high school, this sort of thing would've passed nearly unnoticed. Google maps. Is there anything it can't make better?

Once again, I get to make a Foxworthy joke about my yankee and emphatically not redneck wife. To wit: "If you can recognize a wrestler, and identify the wrestlemania he starred in, just by the theme song they play...

Me, I called it, "giant costumed white guy chases around skinny well dressed black guy."

And yes, children, at one time that sort of flat top was thought to be cool.

We all know them. now they have a name. And they're taking it back! Bah. I'm not even that cool.

I have found college friend Kevin's long-lost brother, driving a forklift in a warehouse somewhere in Russia. Meh. Coulda been worse. Coulda been beer.

I think the ultimate point is that, even after spending millions of dollars on fancy things like pretty people, clever writers, and glossy special effects, network TV still can't do better than a weirdo with one camera. And to think at one point network TV was all there was.

I don't know which was better, the flow chart on how women shop for shoes, or the fact that Ellen read through the first one and didn't even bother to scroll down to read the second. "I know what it says... 'I need a pair of shoes, I go buy a pair of shoes.'"

So close it's scary.

Wtf? these shake weight things are getting out of control. Then again, considering all the free publicity the inventor is getting, he's probably embarassed all the way to the bank. Free enterprise, FTW!

So now, let us all pause to remember the Yugo, a car so basic it literally gave new meaning to the phrase, "basic transportation. When the best you can do is promote your car's wiring being wrapped in plastic, well son, you've got some problems we need to discuss.

Mark gets a well-toned no-prize for bringing us the ultimate in women's workout accessories. Video is very SFW. Audio is mildly blue, but very, very funny.

UPDATE: Ellen looked over and said, "Dude, that's a real product. Do another Google search." You know what, she was right. The real video is actually funnier than the parody.

Now, to write down that 800 number...

Still, the look on this kid's face is pretty darned funny. I guess it's true... women have a soap for every damned thing.

All this time, I thought it was basketball players who, well, played up the drama in the hopes of drawing a foul. Turns out they got nothing on soccer players. Of course, soccer's always struck me as basketball writ-large, so maybe it's no coincidence?

All the high performance in the world won't get you past the basic physics of traffic. My luck, I'd be the last one on that ramp, in the Spider.

Joshua and Bobby and Ron and Mark and Rick and... oh hell, you get it, I have found your costume. Except for Kevin. Because he doesn't need another excuse to wander into traffic...

Old & busted: No spanking your children. New hotness: No yelling at your children. Coming soon: Why does mommy have a drinking problem?

Ok, the article's not that funny, but it's a rare headline indeed that makes me literally laugh out loud.

Us? Well, let's just say I'm glad that time-outs and "groundings" have so far been all we need. Did I mention how I'm so not looking forward to 13?

What would Scott do?

Thanks to Mark for the funny!

Today's goofing on a kid's name comes from Livingston Parish, LA.

Bobbing along at a depth of 754 feet, it is unlikely these balls of Loch Ness will ever see the light of day again.

Oh come on now... we all know those are the eggs of Nessie.

Conspiracy I tell ya!

First a Nobel prize for general awsomeness, now golf is an Olympic sport. That's it. I'm done. Stop the world, I want to get off!

Englishmen really need to glom onto the fact that sometimes being cute and clever has its limits. I distinctly remember Ellen locking the doors and asking me to drive faster when we got to Fifty-Six, Arkansas*. I, being well aware of what tiny Southern towns can be like, instead drove 2 mph UNDER the speed limit, as quickly as I could.

The thing is, there are places in Wales, Scotland, and Cornwall that'd be just about as hostile. I doubt they'd even last half as long in Australia. In other words, it ain't just us.

----
* Population: 71

I've seen both my parents do at least two of these things at least once. Me? Well, if I'm not in the kitchen to get a beer then I might as well not be in the kitchen.

This sucks

I wonder what happened next?

How not to catch the swine flu.

A classic:

I link this not because it's unknown... it's been around awhile. I link it because, and I am not making this up, ten years ago this is exactly what Ellen would've done, except she would've done it when the snake came out, not when the lizard jumped. People who've read this site for only a few years will say, "wha???"

Yes, folks. Ten years ago I married a woman who pretty much defined, "deathly afraid of snakes." Now I have a wife who owns two, only because I won't let her own five. Chicks are, as they say, weird.

Nothing like being surrounded by human-scale items for putting a very large, very dangerous, and very free polar bear into perspective. There's big, and then there's polar bear big. And a big thumbs-down to the Fark thread, which didn't produce a single steal-able lol from this remarkable picture.

Those who haven't glommed onto Top Gear because "It's a Car Show" will do well to review the same guy's take on hot sauce. Well, "nuclear land fill oh please I'm more afraid if I don't die" American hot sauce, that is. The show is actually funnier, because there are three of them and they play off each other.

Ya know, there's a reason they make you wear a 4-point harness on a race track. Especially at Laguna, where (as I've been told) you end up pulling appreciable negative G, due to the elevation changes at the corkscrew. I only ever drove it in a video game, and that was challenging enough.

Hey, checkit... trim that'll fit the Milano *AND* the Spider! I always wondered where those ghetto boiz got their bling. Little surprise it's about as generic as the innocent, unsuspecting Japanese sedans they inflict it on.

Being famous means you get away with outrageous crap. It also means people get to talk about it, and potentially make up even more outrageous crap. Dang. I got tricked into caring about what celebrities do again!

The thing is, Ellen has no problem with the idea of chasing tornadoes. You know, big, disastrous, destructive things that quite patently exist, get caught on video all the time, and kill those unfortunate enough to be in their path. However, she will not even entertain the idea of spending the night in an old, broken down house who's worst threat is a nasty rat or a big spider. So, guess which thing will really scare her?

No such thing as ghosts!

For my friends on the opposite side of the aisle, there's this typically-reasoned guide to keeping us conservatives from being, well, so darned angry about everything:

Conservatives are very angry these days. I haven’t seen conservatives this angry since the last time a Democrat was president. So the anger is probably because the president is black. While that might not seem so bad, conservative anger could lead to something disastrous: their mobilizing to vote against Democrats.

It's funny because all of this really is how you guys are coming off now that you've got all the reins. Oh I know, I know, my side wasn't any better. Then again, it wasn't my side that got all starry-eyed when "hope and change" was mentioned, eh?

Ok, maybe it's a little like this. Ok, actually, probably it's a lot like this. Ellen and Amber both liked to make fun of how nerdy their husbands were back in the day. The look on their faces when they were reminded they voluntarily married said dorks was sweet indeed.

Ever wonder how those translators manage to hang on through hours and hours of translating a bloviating blowhard at the UN? Well, turns out, they don't. I guess after awhile even the absurdity of it all wears thin.

Mark gets a no-prize that hangs on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society for bringing us an example of the only way I'd end up in a May Day parade. I like the guy who starts marching backward the best.

Like the old video store rental records with an arms-length list of the porn you rent, a record of what people actually search for reveals us for what we are, not what we tell people we want to be.

File this one under nice work, if you can get it: helping a video starlet adjust her outfit on the latest shoot. No, really, things were just out of place! Oh, don't worry, completely SFW.

Before Match.com, before chat rooms, before the internet itself, there was video dating. And it was good. Well, good, in a "really ridiculous hair styles and ugly sweaters" sort of way. Is it just me, or does the viking come off as the most sincere?

Via Instapundit.

Oh noes! The end of the world is... today!!! Well, there goes the rest of my week...

Bobby gets a no-prize with way too much time on its hands for bringing us the 1000 & 2nd use for one of those 3D printer things. Why people waste their time with goofy Star Wars memorabilia when they could be doing something useful like reproducing parts for obscure old Italian sedans I never will understand...

Mark gets a magnificently tacky no-prize for bringing us the people of Wal-Mart. Finally a real use for a cell-phone camera! All this time I thought the selection of weirdos at the local Shoppers was colorful. I had no idea.

What? Doesn't everyone want to stick a naked infant in a net and hang it out the window? Just because they make a nifty picture does not mean they make life easier.

I guess "inappropriate" is in the eye of the beholder. Are some of these toys weird? Yes. Are they tacky? Yes. Are they from cultures different from ours? Yes. When I was a kid, parents got lists of toys that would kill you. Good times, good times...

Turns out that, no matter how glamorous an adult may be, when they're teenagers, they're just as dorky as you and me. Well, except for Ryan Seacrest, who was downright unrecognizable.

Ok, it took me a little bit to get it, but I'm sure you'll figure it out a lot faster.

19 ways of being creative with handwritten signs.

Four words: Animals with Light sabers. Ellen will be deeply disappointed there aren't any parrots. But there are cats aplenty!

Jeff gets a no-prize that belong to us for bringing us the "story" behind the latest custom Google logo. Alternate title: when numerology attacks!

Quick, before they correct it, check out the plot summary. It would've been a much better movie if they'd made it that way.

Meh. It's your body, do what you want with it. I just reserve the right to laugh at the results. No nekkid people in the pictures, but a few of the tattoos are not something you'd want someone to see over your shoulder at work. But hey, it's Sunday, knock yourself out!

For a long time caffeinated drinks didn't do much for me. Then a few years ago something in my body chemistry changed and they started doing a LOT for me. Then the ol' bod changed again and I started to get frightening, but turns out otherwise harmless, heart palpitations. So I'll just have to admire this guy's experiment from afar. I seem to recall college friend Bobby tried things like this for the f- of it back in the day. Nowadays, maybe not so much.

This one's for NASA-employed friend Kevin: "India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in"

From Fark's weekly "best of" thread.

P. J. O'Rourke: "Oh, [America is] a crazy tree. And the taller it grows, the crazier it gets. And I roost upon the tip-top branch. Ye of the Washington Post, Don't park your SmartCar under my perch." I'm sitting on a branch nearby, and I've been eating prunes.

Finally, a consumer's union that reviews things we need to find out about. You know, like how good various kinds of cheap booze are. I'm way too old for that sort of foolishness nowadays. Come to think of it, I was way too old back in the day. Some of my old college buddies, maybe not so much.

I think I can honestly say I had this conversation with just about all my college buddies at one time or another. That, and just what it was that made a thermal detonator, well, tick. Oh don't worry, we all eventually got lives. Of a sort.

"AMCG," we hear you ask, "that wonderful preacher with the tent came by my town and ensured I was ready for The Rapture. My soul is clean with minty freshness, and his ability to guide us through judgment is ensured by my large donation. We've known Fluffy the Cat was going to hell since she crapped in my new shoes. But what about Skipper? He's such a sweet dog!"

Fear not, friendly fundie, AMCG is here to help! Presenting Eternal Earthbound Pets, a service which promises to, for a modest fee, provide an atheist to care for your pet once you have been taken up to your ultimate reward. Act now! The spelled-in-reverse bone-gnawing deity you save could be your own!

The "Fail" Blog.

The new Beloit College Mindset List, which details things incoming freshmen have "never" and "always" known, has been revised again. #64 took me a few seconds to get my head around, since I've bought a CD in a cardboard case in the past year. Then I remembered what they really once were like.

Leave it to the Germans to combine fitness with its opposite. If any of us who regularly do a group ride on the weekend had one of these, I think it'd be a whole lot easier to get extra people to come out, eh?

"Ric Romero here, reporting live from Britain. Scientists have detected a link between UFO sightings and UFO depictions in the popular media." What I think is interesting is how similar stories of mysterious flying objects were reported in the 19th century, except there the craft were depicted as giant boat-like machines attached to balloons. There's definitely something going on, but I think it has more to do with the space between our ears than it does the space above our heads.

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” -- Calvin.

And now, a woman dancing with a stripper pole mounted on a rickshaw being pedaled through Manhattan. I got yer cash cab right here. Link is SFW.

Normally Cracked's various lists are, to me anyway, a little lame, but this "5 creepiest sex scenes in comics" was fun anyway, because I remember reading the issue which held their #2 (as it were) entry. I don't recall being disturbed by it, I just thought it was kinda weird. Being, as I recall, 13, I was much more interested in the improbable proportions of the tightly costumed super-ladies. The stories were just excuses to get them to move around.

Dude. I was 13, in a small Arkansas town, before internet pr0n. Of course I was desperate!

Speaking of delusions of grandeur:

1972 Alfa Romeo Spider, in fair shape [...] runs great and with this engine the top end is over 200 mph!

The mind boggles...

Fun with kazoos!

There's camping, and then there's camping. Driving tourism dollars to a small North West town is all well and good, but did it have to involve sparkly vampires?!?

Well, maybe not attack, but certainly march. Annie gets a no-prize that's entertaining but no threat to DCI for bringing us proof that even the lady who shushes you has a sense of humor.

He... He... he sees white people!!!

I'm not completely sure what the point is, other than it's funny. And it'll likely offend a few of the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery. If it does, my work will be complete.

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.
Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."
Knight turned the machine off and on.
The machine worked.

Maybe Ellen will get it this time...

Two words: dissolving bikini. Of course, this is predicated on someone who SHOULD wear a bikini, instead of someone who WANTS to wear one. The former is, after all, only a subset of the latter.

Both of The Grammas are sighing and shaking their heads.

Bonus: a demonstration of a record changer!

Next up, Women with flower pots on their heads. No, really! Don't worry, all will be made right just two picture-clicks to the, well, right.

Oink Oink Oink.

Having driven around our nation's capital many times, I can think of no other, better, place for our current boogey-man to reside. I guess he road-trips down to Bailey's when he needs to go to Home Depot, eh?

As noted on Fark, some articles just can't be improved. You'd think someone would've explained it to them before they went to press. Either that or there's a headline writer in a lot of trouble this morning.

All right, who let Beavis and Butthead play around with the molecular chemistry gear? Or is this absolute proof God exists, and has a sense of humor? Perhaps God is Beavis and Butthead? The mind boggles...

Today's, "vehicle goes swimming incident" is brought to you by Aloha (no, really) Oregon. One look at the truck makes me think they'll need to drain the water twice to get that pool clean.

For Ron.

What happens when you combine Hawaii-sized surf with New Jersey-skilled surfers? Well, you get this. Wide World of Sports, they ain't.

Oh, I know, I know, he'll lose 90% of you the second he says anything nice about Bush. But it takes about 40% of the program before that happens, and in the meantime you can thrill, as did I, to someone quite calmly saying in public that Obama is full of crap. I mean, really, it has been so very long since I've seen anything remotely critical of our current president it literally took my breath away to see it on what looks just enough like a TV to count.

Why, thank you for this sign. But you see, I'm afraid you've made a mistake, my name isn't, "Mr. N. Eeds Togetoutmore." Not even close.

Leave it to Fark to dredge up what Ebony magazine thought, in 1985, what Micheal Jackson would look like in 2000. The headline used there was quite appropriate: "1985 Ebony Magazine prediction of what Michael Jackson would look like in the year 2000. Billy Dee Williams stands up in protest and kills a Colt 45".

I swear. I swear. The very first thing I noticed about this particular ad was the Spider in the garage. My story. Sticking to it.

And that garage? Oh, that garage...

Personally, I think the twitter posts were the best.

The British are famous for their love of the garden variety eccentric. The Germans, being who they are, won't be happy unless their eccentrics are doing something complicated, with a lot of engineering involved. With pictures!

Guess what the second choice you get on a Google search for, "tell me something silly" is.

Wrong. (SFW!)

Because my brain is smoking from implementing my very first honest-to-god state machine, and this particular system has 22 different states. And counting. That's why.

Sure it's a one-gag joke, but it's a funny one gag joke. Especially if you're one of our friends, to whom a wookie tag has been stuck firmly.

So, since there are no nearby Waffle House restaurants (Waffle Houses?), I guess we won't get our fair share of weirdness? Meh. This is N. Virginia. You know, the place where you can have a North, South, East, and West version of a street all meeting at a corner? We got our weirdness built-in.

Just when you thought you'd seen it all, now they've discovered Michael Jackson's face in a branch stump. As in "sawed a branch off the tree" stump. I do hereby proclaim that media's period of exploiting mourning the King of Pop to be over. Either that, or it's all jumped the shark. Probably both.

Mark gets an accessorized no-prize for bringing us this ultimate demonstration of coolness.

The concept is almost certainly Japanese, but the execution? The execution is almost certainly European. NSFW! Want to see my wife's reaction? Fast forward to the 48 second mark.

Cute chick trying to be polite: check.

Self-same chick doing their level best to P-R-O-V-I-D-E the answer: check

Watching someone who desperately wants to make fun of the idiot and can't quite stop themselves: Check

Really, this is what Ellen deals with on a daily basis.

J. Pena gets a union-endorsed no-prize for bringing us this literal "shape of things to come."

Actually, I'll be surprised if cars are even this much fun after the greens and the progressives that infest the current Congress are through with them. Meh, what do I care? The newest car I own is nearly ten years old.

Not a single Alfa in the bunch!

What's that?

You say Alfa didn't import enough to even register on the meter?

Philistine.

I really did not believe this site exist, but it does!

Hello bitches. Welcome to reality. Real moms get frustrated and say things that they regret. Real moms often have no time to shower, rarely get to take a dump alone and need other real moms to lean on. No judgement here, just over the top stories, rants and good drink ideas.

Moms who drink and swear is about reality. There are days when I see some mom all dolled up in the grocery store and I just want to ask her how the hell she pulls it off. I'm usually in my pajamas dragging my whining kids along, yelling , "I SAID NO ! "over and over. I have survived motherhood for the past nine years by leaning on the real moms who convinced me that having a kid (or two) was a good idea. You were right!

This is not a site for the humorless or serious type mom.

Just awesome... LOL!

Neither one of us has any idea what, exactly, to make of this.

Except that, you know, he's a bad dog, and stuff...

Lisa R. gets the coveted Jeff Spicoli no-prize for bringing us news of a rather surprising discovery about who, exactly, is making crop circles "down undah." Beats eating Vegemite!

I'd already decided to wait for the next Transformers movie to come out on video just because it's polling 25% on Rotten. This Transformers "FAQ" just seals the deal. Oh, and Ellen had been calling them "the racist twins" for weeks.

Yeah, it's dumb, but it's the very first not-quite-official-maybe advertisement for US Alfa Romeos! And the car's pretty neat looking too!

Jeff Goldblum, as you all will by now know, is dead. How can I be so sure? Just ask him!

The best part is all the footage from Today New Zealand.

Presenting There, I Fixed It, a one-stop-shop for every ad-hoc fix ever imagined. Some are ingenious, most are tacky, and a few are downright terrifying. Suddenly that bailing wire fix we temporarily implemented on the Milano, well, it don't look so bad.

Mean-spirited? Simplistic? Nasty? Moi?!?

Thing is, I absolutely remember this jingle, and I think I remember this ad. Gotta love those hats!

And I only wish I could've seen this one. Just because, you know, we don't have Carl's Jr.'s around here, eh?

It would seem getting a big boat in the water is a lot harder than it looks. Failing to do it right would seem to have much worse consequences as well.

I have no real idea what to make of this, other than it took me getting about half way down the list to realize it the author was a dude and not a chick. No pictures of dudes anywhere, seems like an honest mistake. Made it less interesting, but only a little. I never did subscribe to the shotgun method of dating.

I recognize a few of the other bits on the site, so this is all probably old news to everyone else. Still, since I'd never heard of it before nobody really important had ever heard of it, so there ya go.

I'm not sure which is sillier, the fact that the skinny white guy went to the ghetto to find his phone, or the fact that he treats his phone like a pet. Ellen doesn't treat hers like a pet. When she lost her phone, what I saw looked more like a junkie who just realized their best dealer had gone to jail forever. It was about as pretty as you'd expect that to be.

You know it's just not possible for us to ignore a site called "wiggaz.com". Making fun of media-manufactured sub-culture that's unintentionally making fun of itself and another media manufactured sub-culture? Oh hell yes!

Ya know, I think there may be something to this. Ron making a comment about how superior his poofta drinks are in 3... 2... 1...

Sometimes there's just no improving on the lede:

A man was arrested near Victoria, B.C., after police found him unconscious in the driver's seat of a car with a naked woman unconscious in the passenger seat.

But wait! There's more!

Saanich police Sgt. John Price said officers found marijuana, heroin, crystal meth and GHB inside the car.

Yee-haw!

This is just so classic:

First the radio getting swiped now this. So I started it up yesterday and was letting it warm a bit before driving out of my garage and I absent-mindedly pushed in the lighter. What happened defied all logic and belief! All the idiot lights lit up momentarily, I think a warning chime sounded, the voltage gauge dropped to zero and the car shut right off, dead, no more idiot lights. I've checked every single fuse and relay and they all seem fine. The interior lights still work, headlights work, you turn the key and no idiot lights light up and it will crank but not fire...

I can't help but think a ground has gotten bodged up by the theft of his stereo, but that's just a guess. Sometimes having a simple car with a cheap radio is a good thing!

Wow... the stuff people on their bodies.

No Prize to Christine for the link!

I've been to each and every one of the locations of this video. I drive by most of them pretty much every day. They didn't quite catch my workplace in one scene, but they came close

It's even worse when she loses her phone. The shaking is what scares me the most.

Oh who cares... if they want to have a whole day dedicated to dressing up like aliens, let 'em. I just wish some of them would do a better job with the makeup.

I'll bet your favorite car doesn't have trashy Eastern European dancers flouncing all over it! It's always a good sign when the dancer's eyes have that thousand-yard stare. The sad thing is there are a lot of guys out there who wouldn't care.

You know, like me.

Oink oink oink...

I can hear it now, Dammit all I went through four years to get a journalism degree and fought my ass to a local station doing remote I'll be damned if some sprinkler system's going to stop me!!!.

Personally, I find the question about the smoking vagina the most intriguing. I'm not completely sure why.

Ron gets a no-prize that'll make an engraver's day for bringing us this collection of married names that really shouldn't be hyphenated. Some of them are so incredible I have a hard time taking them seriously. Then again, a rose by any other name...

That hangover may only last a day, but those pictures? Those pictures will last forever. The sad thing is that shots from the 80s now qualify as quaint and funny.

There are no words for how awesome this is. When my daughter asks me what it was really like to grow up in the 80s, I'll just show her this. Then she'll really be confused.

Get it while you can: Top Gear's Alfa Romeo Challenge is once again available.

SEE

Amazing race action!

SEE

Expert restoration artists bring these cars to a whole new level of character!

SEE

A kaopectate-green Milano compete in a concours with a Spider who's water pump consists of a barrel of water and a hand crank!

RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO YOUR NEAREST YOUTUBE-CAPABLE COMPUTER!

More here.

The manuscript is for-real. Me, I think it's a concrete example of a time traveler's artifact, aging in reverse.

Why I haven't thought to do this to Ellen, I don't know. Oh yeah, wait, I do know. Because I like breathing.

However, there was the time Ellen was downstairs breaking using my computer because she'd broken hers. Friend Mark had sent her one of those "shrieking surprise" e-mails with the note "be sure to turn it up and listen closely, it's really hard to hear the ghost in the background." Which she did, on my 600 watt 5.1 Klipsch speaker rig.

So imagine me sitting quietly upstairs, reading a magazine. Suddenly, all the furniture bounces 2" into the air, and the tail-end of a scream can be heard in the background. Surprisingly, Mark is still above ground. I, on the other hand, was in deep trouble because I should've known she was going to turn the volume up on that @#$%'ing lunatic speaker set of mine and how in the world does a normal person end up with something that can play sounds that loud and...

Ah, the bliss of married life.

Those who claim Californians don't have a lick of sense have just been proven slightly wrong:

On May 21, a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" because she believed "crunchberries" were real fruit. The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit. She sued, on behalf of herself and all similarly situated consumers who also apparently believed that there are fields somewhere in our land thronged by crunchberry bushes.

This sudden outbreak of common sense simply cannot last. Quick! Someone call the Octo-Mom!

I'm not sure what's funnier: the college kid getting bulls-eyed with a pan handle, the way his female colleague reacts, or the oh-so-serious caption text on the right. Regardless, there's plenty of chuckles to go around. If only there'd been sound. Explain this one to the OSHA guy.

... and sometimes, just sometimes, the world may start dancing with you.

I'm rapidly reaching the age at which I could care less what the rest of the world thinks I look or act like. I'm not sure I'm this far gone yet. Probably take Olivia becoming a teenager before that happens.

... a pet would find Ellen. Happens more than you think. I never will forget how, on our honeymoon, an entire resort's worth of stray cats found their way over to where she was sitting. And that was before they figured out she was their buffet waitress for the rest of the week.

Az recently had a bit of a surreal encounter:

So I tell my wife that IKKO just totally checked me out...and her response is unexpected to say the least. Somehow, this elates her. She immediately jumps on her cell phone to start informing her friends and family that her husband just caught IKKO's eye. ...And as an aside, how would you even react to that? You're sitting at home watching TV, and you get a text from your friend - "Hey, this famous cross-dresser just checked out my husband!" ...Um...OK? Would you care for a delicious Hot Pocket?

No, I didn't know who Ikko was either. Even after I watched the video I still don't know.

Making the rounds: It just ain't easy, being a humorless homophobe in Hollywood. They wanted a reaction, and they definitely got one. Meh, I don't feel too bad for him, considering he probably drove to his Malibu home in his Lamborghini.

There's a reason some bicyclists are fascinated with gear...

Cracked, in its own inimitable way, is featuring this look at "7 WTF Military weapons". Being an armchair student of all things various armies have attempted over, well, all of detectable history I suppose, I'm not at all surprised things like this got built. I'm actually rather surprised that any of them survived.

No, really, when gypsies attack:

A group of travellers wrecked a multi-million pound police helicopter which was being used to spy on their site.

The gang used axes to smash the £5million aircraft, after they leapt over a 4ft wall surrounding Surrey Police force’s helipad at Fairoaks airport, near Woking in Surrey.

Mickey O'Neil unavailable for comment...

Me, I always thought the whole point of stilted family photographs was to make people look silly. That, and provide a straightforward gift for the relatives. People change, fashions change, why not chronicle it?

Funny because nobody got hurt: big rocket turns into giant lawn dart. If one of your hobbies is not actively dangerous, you're not a Real Guy.

So, can you pick the perp? Best I could do was exactly 1 in a row, and I gave up after about ten tries. Then again, I'm not known as the most perceptive person in the world. I'm sure you'll do better!

Mark gets a novelty no-prize for bringing us the perfect gift for the breakfast- and gun-lover in your life. Only problem I see is that it appears to be made out of hard metal, which is a big no-no when dealing with no-stick surfaces.

Hey... I'm only disappointed if it's accessible. I have a hard enough time with comprehension as it is.

Another day, another UK couple having a novelty wedding. Don't laugh, Suzanne. If Richie ever gets married you may end up wearing danishes on your head, too.

I kid! I kid!

Osprey: 1, Power company: 0. There's cooked fish, and then there's cooked fish.

I know there's a "Knights who say 'Nee!'" joke in there somewhere, I just couldn't tease it out.

Ok, that tears it. Top Gear has got it all over Motorweek Illustrated. Will this be what causes us to modernize our TV cable package? We'll see...

Another day, another REMF in a new presidential administration learns the hard way that there are important differences between themselves and king's ministers. "Because I say so, and keep it quiet" always bites them on the rear, eventually, even in an administration as popular as this one.

Bureaucracies being what they are, it's doubtful we'll ever know who was directly responsible for this mini-debacle.

99% of the time, Fark headlines are amusing fluff, of no concern or memory. But sometimes, they're different: Obama secretly tested for swine flu after man he shook hands with in Mexico drops dead the next day. Officials concerned because Obama's touch usually heals.

To nobody's surprise, it was instantly scored as "Fascist" on their rate-o-meter.

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this...

This just in: Ferraris are faster than police cruisers. Later tonight, water's wetness: a natural fact, or a danger to our children's lives? After that, we'll explore the discovery of the sky being blue, and how it may threaten your family, your mortgage, even your entire way of life!

I knew Google's maps could be useful, but I had no idea it'd be this useful.

Oink Oink Oink...

Well, why not dress up as Shrek and Fiona for your wedding? Their parents must be much more liberal-minded than ours are about such things.

3... 2... 1...

Mark gets a candy bar no-prize for bringing us news that you too can be a trillionaire. Or, perhaps, you could. It would seem Zimbabwe has fiddled with its currency again, making trillion dollar notes worth about $10. At the rate their socialist paradise is going, that should delay the next trillion dollar issue for, what, six months or so?

Coming to an Obama administration near you!

There's nothing quite like politically-correct leftism for bringing out the satire in someone. I especially liked this one: STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.

I'm not sure what's more fun, this (IMO) well-done art car based on an old Camaro, or the sniveling "you know, that won't work as an armored car because..." replies about it on Fark. All together now... NERDS!!!

You'd think someone would notice that when a certain dress fell a certain way, well, it implied a certain thing. Yet another thing to put on my "stuff that will give dad gray hair" list.

Well, if nothing else, this retrospective on "then and now" metal bands of the 80s shows that women aren't the only ones who get a nip and tuck now and then. They have better surgeons than the chicks do!

While bacon in a bottle sounds like a good idea, the photos don't look all that appetizing. Then again, neither does 90% of the other stuff out there that people insist is good even though it looks like 3 day-old roadkill. At least this stuff won't move on my plate or poison me.

Only men do this.Well, ugly chicks too.

It's a surprise. You have to click the link.

Sad thing is that some of you will think it's cool.

Be afraid. Be... slightly... afraid:

Eileen Bishop, [87], from Perranporth [UK], and her husband Anthony were on their way to church when, he said, she "disappeared off the radar".

Think of it as the OJ chase, but much slower.

There's toys, and then there's 80s toys. No that there's anything wrong with "The Oozinator."

Mark gets a no-prize that'll lead him wrong for bringing us yet another story of a person following GPS to their not-quite doom. Now, there have been a few times that on-line directions have lead me astray, but that tended to be more "wrong place in town" than "wrong place on frozen tundra." You'd think that, after the turn down the dirt road, the lady would've figured something was wrong.

There's washing an expensive car, and then there's washing an expensive car.

The advantage to owning a car like the spider is it would just need to be hung out to dry for a few days, get all the fluids changed, new seats, and a new battery. It'd probably start right up after that. The advantages of vinyl upholstery!

Driving either of the other cars into a river? Nope, that's a totaling. A super-expensive brand-new Bently? Fuggedaboutit...

... bringin' a speedboat to a milspec fight:

Seven Somali pirates chose the wrong target the other day: it was not the harmless oil-tanker they thought it was but the German navy's fuel tanker FGS Spessart, part of the European anti-piracy fleet Eunavfor sailing in the Gulf of Aden about 85 miles north of the Somali port of Bosaso.

This would seem to indicate that sting-like operations, where various tramp steamers are in fact stuffed with heavily armed soldiers, would be productive.

You know, now that you mention it, I don't recall seeing Ron or Amber lately. Didn't they go hiking in Florida last week?

What happens when you give a bunch of nerdy engineers access to powerful electrical equipment? Oh, pretty much what you'd expect:

As with most of their type, it takes forever for them to get to the point, but the result was enough to make me smile.

So, is it a dairy barn, or a car wash? "Cow wash" seems more appropriate. When staying clean and happy are a key to production, modern farming can be quite humane indeed.

Your thought for the day:

Even the worst Italian town is prettier than anywhere in Germany. Take a stroll through somewhere nice, like Cremona, and you'll be greeted by fine wine, God's own architecture, and beautiful women who shave their armpits. You'll probably crash your car and the hotel's air-con won't work, but you'll love every minute.

Is there anything about that place that isn't beautiful, fun, and broken for stretches at a time?

Welcome to the world of little-girl raising. Olivia gets just as mad when we laugh at inappropriate moments.

All our fish are too big for the porcelain funeral procession... they end up out in the garden with all the other dead critters.

Nothing like a ridiculous car mod or two to brighten your morning, eh? Ron's characteristic "ahhuuah?" expression in 3... 2... 1...

For what better purpose can a website be used, I must ask, than posting pictures of pets in wigs? Hey, can't be any worse than 90% of Facebook!

Ron gets a no-prize with some really... remarkable... welds for bringing us this collection of DIY car modifications. I do have one slight quibble, to wit: several of these cars are pretty obviously pure race vehicles of one sort or another, so placing things in ugly or weird spots is actually to be expected. That still doesn't forgive placing two turbochargers just below the rear seat upholstery.

New invention: Ink that changes color with temperature.

US reaction: Let's use it on beer labels so guys can see when it's cold.

Australian reaction: Let's use it on beer labels so guys can see a naked chick.

Aussie Aussie OI OI OI!

Nothing like a 2 foot-tall cow to brighten your day.

Ok, everyone all together now... no, Ellen, you can't have one.

Mark gets a tacky no-prize for bringing us this "newly discovered" footage of the octo-mom giving birth. That doctor has a pretty mean swing, I tell ya...

I guess this slide-show of "highlights" of Google's Street View provide even more proof for the axiom: "If you take enough pictures, you'll eventually catch the strangest behavior." I wonder how much they pay the people to image places like South Central LA?

That would be Birds: 12, Beach-Goers: 0. I'm as impressed with the photographer as I am with the birds. Then again, if it happens often enough, anything is easy to catch on film.

What better way to rehabilitate your industry than to have a "Miss Nuclear Reactor" contest? Did I mention the industry was the one that runs Russia's nuclear plants? Well, there, I did.

You have to zoom in a bit, but this pencil cartoon of a "simple history of WWII" made me giggle. Then again, I am easily amused.

Ok, that whole "faked shock" look? Yeah, wearing real thin nowadays.

Ok, it's not the breaking into the bar, or stealing the booze, that puzzles me. It's the getting naked part that's just a wee strange.

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that really should stay covered up for bringing us yet another entertaining example of proof that the US has no corner on eccentric criminals.

Really, honey, I was just trying to take pictures of the cars! They even ruined the picture of the Alfa!

The trick, of course, would be sticking to that story in the face of a small angry Italian wielding a large, heavy frying pan. Teflon here I come!

Never... NEVER let it be said I do not have a sense of humor about my automotive obsession. If I did not have the ability to laugh at the cross-and-serpent's foibles and flaws, I ask you, would I have found the Top Gear Alfa Romeo Challenge such a scream?

The premise? Take a marque absolutely notorious for rewarding a kind, attentive hand both at the tiller and at the wrench, and pick three off the bottom of the heap. It gets better! Put these three rickety basket cases in the charge of a trio of bumper-car rejects. The result? Well, dear reader, the result was enough to quite handily separate those Alfisti who love their cars warts and all, and those who had rose-colored glasses tightly riveted to their temples. I'm surprised the three principles didn't require bodyguards at the end.

Still, their affection for the marque, especially Jeremy's, can't be hidden. And, really, the only cars you could get away with mistreating this way simply aren't as much fun to drive.

So, kick back, relax, and watch three yobs attempt to "prove" that Alfas that've never seen a kind pat on the hood in their life can still be absolutely thrilling to drive.

And you know what? They do.

And the Milano won!

An oldie, but a goodie:

"Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and its all organised by the Italians"

I actually thought this guy was lip-synching Weird Al, until the British accent started leaking through. Fast forward to the solo section... he's not that bad.

Ok, let's try using the correct link to a story, shall we?

I need help? I need help?!? I don't need help... this guy needs help. Even I have to draw the line somewhere, and having a coffee table that leaks oil on my floor is somewhere on the far side of it.

Still, that wall decoration wouldn't look any worse than what Ellen has up. Probably improve it. Hmm...

Looking for ET? AMCGLTD is here to help! I'm not surprised the area off San Diego is a "hotspot." I am a little puzzled why Chicago should have so many damned sightings. Maybe ET likes deep-dish?

Little octopus: 1, aquarium staff: 0:

Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium in California say the trickster who flooded their offices with sea water was armed. Eight-armed, to be exact.

Damned clever, yer garden variety octopus. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Nothing like finding out your girlfriend of 7 years has been a prostitute all this time to start the day. Since it is the 21st century, they do of course have children.

Mark gets a pink triangle no-prize for bringing us clips from some new reality show called, "Gay Army". The DI is speaking English, and I think the recruits are speaking German, so I don't know what network this is going out on. It's definitely going on my Tivo search. I don't know how legit it is, but it looks pretty funny.

It was my understanding all German males were conscripted from 18-21? Of course, that was 20 years ago, maybe the rules have changed...

Ron gets a no-prize with some ears on it for bringing us an editorial cartoon sure to cause frowns on the left side of the peanut gallery.

Actually, I think I'm seeing the very slightest of cracks in the popular media monolith. Then again, that whole, "of course we were biased! We weren't reporting the news, we were telling a great story!!!" meme soured me so badly on the MSM I've been reduced to getting my news from Fark and Instapundit. Wtf do I know?

As with seemingly everything else they touch, boomers have turned the eternal fact that grandchildren sometimes have trouble understanding their grandparents into something self-centered and banal. It's not the words Olivia will have trouble with, it's the accent.

What? Who cares if it's wrong? Does it fly? Go zoom-zoom? Looks weird? Run it, damn you, nobody'll notice

Just hang on to the 30 second mark, and then, well, hang on.

Via Ares.

An Ohio website is helpfully providing advice on just what is and is not acceptable in the "personal license plate" realm. Ohio resident Ron, who gets endearingly literal when he gets an answer he doesn't like, should find the list of 1574 examples of bad resident! No biscuit! examples quite useful.

Virginia's custom plate law makes it pretty darned cheap to get one, so they're all over the place. They fussed at us when Ellen claimed "8bit me", but eventually, without explanation, gave in.

Today's graphic demonstration of "people who want to be seen naked are usually people who shouldn't be seen naked" is brought to you by Budweiser. Sort of. Viral video FTW!

Mark gets a glittery no-prize with bell bottoms on for bringing us rumors that the real ruler of Russia is a closet Abba fan. Because we all know how reliable a cover band looking for some free publicity is, eh?

25 year old blind Oregon woman enjoys skydiving, says she knows when to pull the ripcord because the dog's leash goes slack.

From Fark, natch, linking up to this story.

Now, there are practical issues galore, but personally I think an alarm clock that uses bacon for the wake up call is just a brilliant idea. Nothing like a little sizzle to get you started in the morning!

Well, if Ellen won't link them up I will...

The things one does for entertainment...

It'll be a lot worse when the painkillers wear off, kid. Drugs have come a long way since I had teeth pulled when I was that age, that's for sure.

And yes, Ellen, this is exactly how you acted on the way home from your wisdom teeth surgery.

Personally, I don't get the appeal of chocolate-covered bacon. Then again, I seem to be getting more food-sensitive lately. Why, just last night I made Ellen turn off her Weird Foods episode when the guy sawed an ear off a roast suckling pig, took a bite, then complained that it wasn't too bad but he wasn't very fond of the taste of the waxy build-up around the inside of the...

Gah... makes me green just thinking about it...

And, sorry folks, I'm not making that up.

Mark gets the famous fig-leaf no-prize for bringing us news that Switzerland is having trouble with nekkid Germans hiking all over the countryside. You'd think that, after awhile at least, those backpack straps would start to chafe.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Olivia's seen the first one several times, but the other two only once. I'm not sure she'd do a whole lot better. Of course, she's only five.

Interestingly, this tracks pretty well with other accounts from people who've heard about really famous events, but never actually sat down with someone and discussed them from end-to-end. The Koran's account of Jesus springs to mind.

No, no... I've already got a nerd sign to go around my neck too. Gee, aren't you being awfully helpful today?

Mark gets a no-prize in a plain paper bag for bringing us what I assume is another one of those independent viral commercials. Yes, kids, before the internet we had to walk up and buy porn at a newsstand just like it was Time magazine or something.

Something tells me we won't see famous Hollywood-types implementing this stuff any time soon. Well, except maybe this one:

One of the most pressing threats facing our environment is rising income in Africa, Asia, and Latin America. A generation ago these proud little dark people were happily frolicking in the rain forest, foraging for organic foods amid the wonders of nature. Today, corrupted by wealth, they are demanding environmentally hazardous consumer goods like cars and air conditioning and malaria medicine. You can do your part to stop this dangerous consumerism trend by supporting environmentally progressive leaders like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe, and their programs for sustainable low-impact ecolabor camps.

Seems they've been doing that sort of thing since at least 1917.

Personally, I can't keep the players straight without a program:

The ‘row’ concerns a small breakaway group of druids (known to some as COBDO West) who’ve requested the museum release the remains so they can rebury them where they came from. King Arthur and mainstream COBDO want the same thing — but are upset that COBDO West have taken matters into their own hands. ‘COBDO West are just a joke — three men and a dog, without even the dog,’ splutters King Arthur. ‘I’ve got thousands of members in my Arthurian War Band all round the world and loads more in the UK. I could field hundreds of activists at the drop of a hat. Bunch of idiots.’

Not for nothing is south-central England considered the California of the UK. Over here, God lifted the East Coast up and gave it a hard shake, causing all the loose marbles to roll down Cali way. It would seem he did the same to Britain, only there grabbing the north end before giving it a shake.

The best part is, even though they totally trash these dudes and portray them as complete losers, these chicks still slept with them! Reminds me of a time long ago when friend Amber was trash-talking about (her) husband and friend Ron. He and I were both doing our nerdy, "you're-right-we're-wrong-we-suck" moping when suddenly out of my mouth jumped, "wait a goddamned minute... you married him!"

It was like she got hit between the eyes with a pole. When we've both been pushed out onto the porch of the rest home by our great grandchildren, it'll be a memory Ron and I will still chuckle over.

“Did you hear the one about how, after Barack Obama became president this week, he found out the economy was worse than he thought—so he had to lay off 17 journalists.” -- Bernard Goldberg.

Seems the American Idol producers are not above throwing in a ringer or two just to make things interesting. Considering the amount of money that sloshes out of this show, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the person "exposing" this "travesty" is on the payroll to drum up more publicity.

Remember, folks, wheels that pop off are only fun on toys. I've done something like this not once, but twice. The first time I forgot to tighten the lug nuts on a front wheel, which "did in" my original silver Spider back in 1996. $750 worth of frame damage = Great Parts Bin in the Sky. Best thing that ever happened to that rust bucket. I can only imagine the damage when all 4 come loose at once.

The second time was a back wheel on our present (much much nicer) Spider, back in 2004. Fortunately, all it did was rattle; it didn't come loose, and I have no idea why. On that day, when I got back and discovered what happened, God and I called it even, and we've stayed that way ever since.

And now I have helpers who always ask me if I've tightened the lug nuts BEFORE I drive away after a project.

I told you the media are like a pack of fans that doesn't care which side wins. They're only rooting against the team with the ball.

The Obama administration is in for a rough first year.

Contradicting myself? Me? Listen up folks, one cannot contradict one's self when one is able the change the rules at any time. Learned that from my wife, I did.

And, of course, the mainstream media.

At least this time you don't want to head for the eye bleach after seeing the "model". I'd say "some day we could do that with one of our cars," but I'm pretty sure Ellen plans on being buried with BOTH of hers, and (as noted previously) I'm not allowed to sell the Spider.

Hey, we should all have problems like that, eh?

I'm actually a little surprised it's taken this long for phony phone call pages to surface on the internet. Such things have been knocking around for ages, including the calls to Louis "Red" Deutsch which inspired the Simpsons. I've just never heard of them hitting something as big as an airport before.

Ron gets a no-prize that'll giggle inanely at the touch of a button for bringing us this very large scale example of the ultimate phone annoyance.

Little surprise that most of these architectural "horrors" are located in formerly communist countries. "Real and actual" socialism, like its less scary-sounding brothers liberalism and progressivism, always looks better on paper than it ever can in reality. Hope and change, people, hope and change!

Via Violins and Starships.

Via Extreme Mortman.

Looks like the Fx guys working the last Indiana Jones movie got a little bored at one point. Olivia was downright offended when she saw a tiny R2D2 model stuck to the side of the Close Encounters mothership model. "He'll fall off!" she kept saying.

Via Violins and Starships

I haz teh dum.

There's nothing quite like the enthusiastic literalism of a happy Labrador retriever.

Ron gets a no-prize with a hidden picture for bringing us the "top 10 cars and the type of women they attract". I guess you'd have to define "rare" to see if my Italian exotic qualifies, but I'm happy with what I got (in both senses).

Something tells me this does not mean to them what it means to us. Either that, or gaydar is now a reality.

Rrm... not that there's anything wrong with that. I think.

Yeah, this is pretty much how I react to cool toys too. And Mark, and Joshua, and Ron, and... well, and pretty much every other guy I know.

OOK!

The rest of us will laugh at the main picture of best friends owl and basset. Ellen, of course, will jump straight to conure and labrador. But you knew that already.

Personally, I like the very last one. But I'm weird that way. As if you needed reminding.

Oh! I see... it's ZIONIST juice that's the problem. Thanks for clearing that up.

Lisa R. gets an emergency no-prize for bringing us evidence that it's not just Americans who use an emergency number for stupid things.

Another year, another set of goofy custom plates. How Richie missed out on the only NY state one on the list I'll never know.

Never let it be said we're above giving a worn-out meme a few more thrashes: She just wanted it to snow!

I'd like to think Olivia will be more mature and confident than this when she's 18. However, I'll be more than happy to settle for a healthy, reasonably well-adjusted child who graduates college.

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that's the wrong temperature for bringing us a particularly Aussie sort of Christmas carol. We had an Aussie working for us for a few years, I asked her if she ever got used to cold Christmases. She said it wasn't the Christmases that were so weird, rather it was instead New Years. The cold weather apparently significantly impeded the traditional "crawl-pubs-until-you-can't-move" parties that (according to her at least) dominated December 31st. I guess it's harder to enjoy drinking yourself stupid when you have to worry about passing out in a bush and freezing to death, eh?

Programmers of C#, Java, or just about any other language should find this worthy of a smile or two. I think the C# definition is amusing, and I think the Perl definition is absolutely dead-on.

Just hang on until :41. I couldn't get much further. Judging by her accent, she's probably spent only a little more time in Pakistan than I have.

And the farthest East I've ever been is Jamaica.

Mark gets a no-prize with extra firepower for bringing us this collection of a specific sort of motivational posters...

The only real difference being Olivia doesn't have a baby she can thwack. And won't have one any time soon either!

Mark gets a no-prize that's for the children, man!!! for bringing us Plaxico's first attempt to get out of trouble.

Go for the mall chase, stay for the beach assault. It's stunts like this which explain the love/hate relationship between the best automotive magazines and the industry; and why marques like Ferrari and Lamborghini force such journalists to find copies of their most exotic models on their own.

I'll fess up, I did do crazy crap like tear down back country roads way too fast, but I did it in a '74 Plymouth Duster. "Too fast" was quite relative, in that sense, and I never did get in as much trouble as these two. I'm just about certain, at the very least, the exhaust is trashed as well as the body. Spinning out a front driver takes talent!

Ron gets a no-prize that'll get him a punch from his wife for bringing us Sailor Moon Sings Bone Thugs. No, really!

And the only reason I watched it all the way through was the lady has the same name as my daughter. StickingToIt(My.Story);.

Annoyingly catchy, synth-driven pop song: check
Weird visuals that somehow still imply a plot is buried in there somewhere: check
Hot chicks: Check
Androgynous lead singer who's prettier than the hot chicks: check

I guess that makes it official: time travel must really be possible.

YOU! YES YOU!!! BACK TO THE 80s WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!

Nina gets a no-prize Ellen will want to mount on our wall for bringing us news of a "Hello Kitty" - themed maternity ward. It's in Taiwan, which would be a challenge but no real impediment to everyone's favorite crazy-cat-lady-to-be.

Ron gets a rather rude no-prize for bringing us this abject lesson in photography 101, rule 3. To wit: when taking a photograph, the photographer should always be mindful of what is in the background of the shot.

Several are NSFW, but hey, it's Sunday!

Mark gets a no-prize that's wise beyond its years for bringing us this timely reminder of correct, and incorrect, Christmas gifts, and their consequences.

Actually, I think it's a kind of domestication milestone when the woman in your life really does want a big new super-vac instead of a bauble.

Oh, who am I kidding... it's not "instead of", it's "in addition to". Rawoooorrrr!!

Something tells me the wife won't believe you just found 130,000 inflatable boobs on the beach, so we're here to provide proof. I've heard them called "flotation devices" before, but this is ridiculous.

Via Violins and Starships.

Jeff gets a tacky but amusing no-prize for bringing us the ultimate demonstration of German engineering prowess.

Contrary to popular perception, the result would be largely the same were the perp driving an Alfa. His car would just be a lot prettier, and all the lights would flash on and off randomly for about five minutes after he pushed the button*.

----
* It's a Milano joke. Laugh.

The hook is that the cup is full of water. That sound you're hearing is Ellen scribbling this idea down for use the next time it's slow at her clinic.

• Identical make: check
• Identical model: check
• Identical color: probable
• Identical year: probable
• Weird fascination with 80s hip-hop: check

When playing with a puppy, it's often wise to keep an eye on the paws. Bah, that's nothing. You want pain? How about two quarter-ton cats using your sleepy backside as the chute of turn 3 of their psychotic race course at 3 am?

Too bad bidding has ended. This would've made a great gift for that special someone in your life. The best part would be to hear, "but I don't have any blu-ray disks, why would I want this?"

Getting busted for being a dirty old man trying to paw teenagers is one thing. Having your stash of self-starring animal porn discovered during a search is quite something else.

Ron will be very happy, and not at all surprised, to learn this happened near Philadelphia.

Ron gets a no-prize with unintended consequences for bringing us this clever ad. I'm not completely sure if the product is real, but the writing is funny enough.

Where's COPS when you need them?

A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

But wait! There's more!

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

The mind boggles.

Jeff gets a no-prize that'll dig a hole to China when it grows up for bringing us this live puppy cam. No, I didn't know what a Shiba Inu was either. Jeff thinks it's some sorta Chow breed.

Problem: the celebrity you're interviewing is deadly dull, and you really need something good for a headline.

Solution: Go fishing:

When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”

Props to the man for not shying away from saying what he thinks, and a big raspberry to whomever his publicist is for letting the interview spin out of control allowing him to do the same.

Making the rounds: a variant of Monty Python's "dead parrot" sketch has been knocking around for 1600 years. The ancients being less squeamish about such things, their version is more appropriately titled "the dead slave sketch."

I don't know enough about FWD cars to tell just what the heck happened here. Taking a WAG, looks like something in his transmission broke and allowed him to engage 2 gears at once. At speed.

NSFW punk wannabe language at the end.

My wonderful friend, Annie, scored a house in Leesburg, VA to live in. To her, history is a way of life, not just something you read about.

Me? I scared myself shitless in her house being left alone for 15 minutes to put makeup and a costume on. Especially when she banged on the window trying to get me to let her back in the house.

An aside: I'm sorry... if you need a 'skeleton key' to get in your house, especially if you are told the house is 'circa 1800', you automatically get a 'your house is haunted' prize.'

So tell me, do I have something to worry about? I did not feel bad "Ju ju" from the house, though I did have some serious discussions with the squirrels until Annie scared the crap out of me.

Even better, being told the parking lot right next door is actually a graveyard. Me: "... uhm... gravestones?!?" Annie, in very jolly voice: "Oh they just took those and moved them across the street in the park. They're right next door, just moved them 20 feet. Left the graves where they were, put the parking lot over it, no idea why it hasn't all collapsed. Ha ha ha!" Was that a movie? I broke out in the "Thriller" dance trying to calm myself. What? Like you didn't know I was weird that way.

Ellen's rule of SpOoKiEness #7: living next to a theater that plays the Rocky Horror Picture Show monthly... gives you a 'maybe" for a sleep over.

See, thing is, even if you think your girlfriend is pretty, even if she is actually pretty in a "normal mortal female" sort of way, it won't much matter to the rest of the world if you're a terrible photographer and she's posing like one of those models you see on those tuner magazine covers.

Those cover girls get paid for a reason, mostly because they have plastic surgery bills the size of a college tuition payment. If yours doesn't, just don't. K?

Note: I only scanned the very first page of the thread, which was bikini-level SFW. I won't vouch for the rest until I get home, so be cautious.

Sometimes they just write themselves: Will there be disclosure of UFO files under the Obama administration?

Well? Well?!?

I swear I saw Joshua wandering around in the background of one or two of those shots.

Or maybe it was Brian?

I'm not sure if this really is the worst music video ever made, but it has to be close. Looks like some Chicago don's daughter decided she wanted to break into the music business. I'm glad they got the alarm fixed first.

If only you could do this with kids! Exactly what it is in a tennis ball that inspires such absolute monomania in a dog I'll never know. I wonder if he's that enthusiastic with it when there's nobody around to watch?

What better way to memorialize a war most people forget about after high school than a pair of giant toy soldier statues in front of an apartment building?

Ron gets a warped and slightly puzzled no-prize for bringing us news that Belgium, in fact, does not exist. I'd heard the same thing said about Idaho for years, and then someone who claimed he was from there showed up. Can we really trust Joshua? I think not! Idaho is a hoax! Idaho is a hoax!

Why, thank you for this new coat. My, isn't it funny how the sleeves go 'round the back?

Of course, now I have that damned melody stuck in my head. The things I do for you people...

Remember folks, trying to tow a car by its roof makes baby Jesus cry.

I think it's not as bad as it looks. As I recall, Jeeps are still body-on-frame vehicles, in which case all they probably did was rip the body off its mounts. Not good, but (maybe) not a total loss.

Ron gets a no-prize shaped like a tow hook for bringing us a brilliant Jeep FAIL.

Yes, we did this to our poor doctor. This is what happens when you fall asleep during your lunch. We decorate you.

Mark gets a no-prize that's romantic on its own terms for bringing us a beer commercial that understands us. Hee!

The funny thing is, as I understand off-road traction at any rate, this thing probably wouldn't be all that bad in the country. Well, assuming wooden wheels can actually support something has heavy as an H3, that is. And gaining traction != a nice ride. I think the whole thing would probably shake apart driving across grooved pavement.

Mark will get his no-prize just as soon as the driver gets off 66 for bringing us this insider's guide to touring DC. DC's traffic, that is, which is just about all you'll see if you're not careful and actually try to drive around here most days.

Mike J. gets a no-prize with that distinctive profile for bringing us evidence that the Democratic party has been a known quantity for a very long time. It also shows how much Hollywood has changed, since that's probably the last time the Dems got a zinger thrown at them in a motion picture. Republicans, not so much; but you already knew that.

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that's a funny blue color for bringing us an example of how not to travel by train:

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

Cell phones do a lot of things well, but swimming isn't one of them. That thing was DOA when it hit the water.

Annie gets a no-prize that'll look good in Hell for bringing us this picture of people goofing around in an art museum. I'm pretty sure I've seen it before, but I can't recall it being in a linkable format like this. Good morning, all!

Two words: dildo downpour.

Supporters of the Stockholm-based AIK ice hockey team scored an unusual hat trick of heckling on Tuesday night featuring dildos, profane banners, and a giant inflatable penis.

I was going to make a joke about "I went to a hockey game and a sex party broke out", but then I tried to picture what the average hockey fan might look like naked. Three showers later, I'm almost normal again!

Ron gets a no-prize that'll be an interesting conversation piece at his next get together for bringing us this most interesting of fan taunts.

Mark gets the coveted Charlie Brown Halloween no-prize* for bringing us a light-hearted look at what we might all have to look forward to next holiday season!

Hopefully we're not violating a copyright here. I've linked to the guy's main page. If this suddenly disappears, well, there ya go.

----
* A rock.

It takes a page or two, but trust me, this is the most ridiculous rice-up job you'll ever see. Even non-gearheads will appreciate the color... combinations? ...this guy comes up with for his car. Go for the hand file to the head treatment, stay for the spray painted foot pedals.

Mark gets a no-prize that's only a model for bringing us this re-imagining of everyone's favorite medieval comedy. Must be a different version of the song... I could actually understand the lyrics this time around.

Actual guy on my bus.

Actually, I'm surprised it's taken this long for the SCA crowd to turn a sex toy into a weapon. Video is completely SFW.

Texans + rocket powered scooter (no, really!) = well, this. Just when you thought a redneck couldn't get any dumber...

Fans of Mythbusters should find this brief clip of Adam Savage at a hacker's convention of interest. I hope the two clips he shows from an upcoming episode actually make it into the broadcast. This is one of Olivia's favorite shows, in no small part because she thinks Carrie is a very neat lady.

Note: Clip is completely SFW, but the ads surrounding it are marginal (but not awful). I can't vouch for the rest of the site.

Posting from home rox!

Remember folks, you can't fool owls. Turn it off after the first repeat. Far as I can tell, it'll loop forever until you do.

SKUNK!

No, really, when teleprompters attack.

Ok, well, when teleprompters get snippy, how's that?

And yes, I know, they did a little "enhancing", but it's still nice to see that The Messiah does indeed flub lines every now and then.

Parking brakes: they're not just good for civilians. I want to know what he crashed into at the end.

Jim Treacher scoops, well, the whole worldwith an advanced look at the questions due to be asked at tonight's VP debate. It's funny because it's true.

Oh, right, sorry. Fox news is the true enemy, the one really in the pocket of a political party, eh?

Watch out for that tree!

Meh. Looks like he wasn't going fast enough to hurt anything.

Well, except maybe his pride.

Automatic doors: 1, black bear: 0. With video!

Yeah, actually, a lot like that, s'what I think. Then again, so is a discussion on Fark, whence I found this piquant illustration.

Well, at least the Redskins won!

Update: Seconded:

(2008-09-29) — Just minutes after the Bush administration’s $700 billion financial-sector takeover went down to defeat in the House today, Congressional Democrats introduced a bill that would mandate a 6:02 a.m. (EST) sunrise for Tuesday.

“The sun will come out tomorrow,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, “but only if Congress takes action now to eliminate uncertainty.”

Whee!!!

That's probably gonna leave a mark. As far as I can tell, nobody was hurt.

Having actually been a little kid in the 70s, I can say at least some of these kids shows weren't as surreal as the author of the article thinks they are. Then again, the internal state of a 7 year old is a pretty weird place to begin with, so who knows.

I'd forgotten all about Banana Split, and even now the memories are almost entirely made up of impressions rather than the more typical "internal movie projector" we all normally remember with. I can only remember that I watched it during summer time, when I was intensely bored, during some "Krusty the Clown" - type kids show. Other than that, nothing.

Mark gets an extremely silly no-prize for bringing us well, I'm not completely sure what the hell this is, but it made me laugh a bit.

Thank you for the "needs to get out more" sign, but I already have a hat that says that on.

Ron gets a no-prize that's just wrong for bringing us how they really make that most perverted of Japanese vending machine products. I mean really, what did you expect?

My friends:

Nerd me = new Nerd("Scott");
me.HoldingTool = new Hammer();
Nail n;
foreach (Thing t in Everything)
{
n = (Nail)t;
HoldingTool.Strike(n);
}

What?!? I haven't done pseudo-C# in, like, forever!!!

You want something else, go get your own site!

Mike P. gets a damned silly no-prize for reminding us of the cow methane study they're doing in Argentina. Science is seldom pretty, eh?

It made me "LOL". Found on a Fark (natch) thread comment to this article

Jeff gets a no-prize that should not be greeting him at the door when he gets home for bringing us an example of just how determined a bored beagle can be. That's probably more dangerous than it looks... I can definitely see about six different ways for doggie to get hurt pulling a stunt like this.

I'm actually surprised it's taken this long for Alfisti sellers to start seriously questioning their buyers. They are fine little machines, but they definitely take a specific sort of owner to get the best out of them.

Something tells me this holds true, with some variation, for just about any car worth having.

Go for Sal and Richard completely f'ing up a reporter's live feed, stay for the straight-laced description the anchor tries to put together at the end. I don't know how, but those two weirdos definitely managed to land some of the best jobs in the world.

Mark gets a no-prize that'll rant impressively for bringing us yet another re-imaging of just what happened in a specific bunker at a specific time and a specific place.

I honestly don't know just what it is about that scene that allows it to be re-tread time and time again and yet never once lose its funny. This one definitely worked for me. Obamamaniacs... well, probably not as much.

Athlete + "Vodak" + cell phone camera = teh funnay. It takes a little while to get to the good part, but it's worth it. I wonder if the event was televised? If so, there's most likely even better footage out there somewhere.

Just keep checking, just keep checking, just keep checking...

“What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama?”

“One is a well turned-out, good-looking, and let's be honest, pretty sexy piece of eye-candy.

“The other kills her own food.”

Via Instapundit.

I don't often link FARK threads, unless they have as much "WIN" as this one does. Go for the guido pictures, and do not miss guidos in motion.

The weirdest thing of all is, after living with and around yankees for the past twelve years or so, I'm starting to be able to tell the difference between someone from Jersey, Brooklyn, Long Island, upstate, and Manhattan. I guess it's a kind of radiation, seeps into your bones, that sort of thing.

I dunno... for some reason this, this reminds me of... "someone":

Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association. His mental approach to it could be visualised as a sort of business flowchart with, at the top, a circle entitled "Me, who does the telling" and, connected below it by a line, a large circle entitled "Everyone else".

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent)

Now, I would never think of scratching out Ridcully and putting in "Ellen". Nor would I ever change all the "he" and "his"'s into "she" and "hers"'s. My story, sticking to it.

If only SNL were this funny.

The Post, at least, is most definitely hammering away at Palin, and the MSM in general is trying hard enough that British bookies are now taking bets that she'll bail, perhaps before the end of the convention. Note the snarky back-biting in this LA Times piece.

Ah, college. The long hours. The tough assignments. The passive-aggressive room mates.

In my first "group house" we had a member who expressed his displeasure with us by turning the thermostat down to 50 at 1 am. I out-p-a'd him by waking up 5 minutes later and switching it to FAN so it'd still make noise but not freeze us/power bill us to death. Needless to say, that group didn't stay together very long.

Amber gets an extremely silly no-prize for bringing us "I am Cow", a benediction to everyone's favorite burger ingredient. Moo!

Other, classier, sites are making note of McCain's VP pick with serious discussion and analysis. We, however, choose a different route.

Ron gets a no-prize that'll spend most of its time rooting around in the muck for bringing us a crystallization of the first three or four thoughts every straight man had when he heard the news.

I have no doubt he would do exactly that. I still think the orange Jersey douches are funnier, but this guy was worth chuckle, for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to yank a certain person's chain.

In 3... 2... 1...

Today's "idiot dog swallows something he shouldn't" story brought to you by...

Hey, are you sure this is right? This really is the town's name? No way. No f'ing way. Well, ok then...

By the Leamington Spa Courier. With most excellent X-ray goodness.

Those English. They'll name a town anything!

It's nice to see that the US isn't the only nation with an f-d up public school system. Some of you may think, "well at least they speak English." Keep in mind their immigration problem is actually a bit stickier than ours. They may boost the crime rate and create a built-in constituency for nanny-staters Democrats, but at least they don't try to blow us up on a regular schedule.

Personally I've always thought having a pretty face and being reasonably articulate in front of a camera were no great talents. Now I have (even more) proof. Remember folks, we're only supposed to do what they tell us to do, not what they do themselves.

Reason #7 Why Ellen Can't Have One: she stumbles over level ground. A disasters like these would only be a matter of time.

Far as I could tell the video is SFW.

You'd think with such a shiny tow truck he'd know better than this. Well, I guess the guy learned a lesson in physics that day.

Go for the description, stay for the picture:

This is the amazing scene of a burglar hanging upside down that greeted home owner Paul Ives when he returned home from work.

Since it happened in the UK, I'm surprised they didn't arrest the homeowner for something like "failure to ensure burglar could enter home safely" or some such nonsense.

While it's kinda short and the white-on-green color choice is awful, this brief look at the kind of support e-mail Slashdot gets was still amusing, at least to me. It's nice when you get proof positive that it's not just your users who are a bunch of panicky screwups.

Mark gets a damned salty no-prize for bringing us the latest celebrity behaving badly. I'm pretty sure it's staged; then again, Howard Stern runs out-takes of various celebrities melting down during voice-over sessions and I have to admit this sounds a lot like those.

Language is NSFW, but everything else is fine.

I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this whole lambda thing. I think this will actually work! Well, it compiles at any rate:

List<RegistrationBatch> rbl = rbl.Where(x => x.Registrations.Where (y => y.RegistrationTypeUsed.MyClass == registrationType.RegClass.regular).Count() > 0).ToList();

It gives me all the registration batches which contain "regular" registrations. Yeah, I can do this in a heartbeat with a sql string, but that tends to net me unexpected behavior that doesn't show up until runtime, and won't let me use all my handy enums besides.

Wrong Wrong Wrong! comments in 3... 2... 1...

It's my blog, I'll write what I want to!

Sometimes it's scary, most of the time it's dull, and sometimes, well, sometimes life in the military can be just a little silly. Making inappropriate jokes at inopportune times is, after all, an American past time.

Mark gets a no-prize he can strap to a bomb rack for bringing us this collection of uniquely themed photographs.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised I agree with just about all of the "elements" on this table. Except for Saget. For some reason every time I see him on TV I start to chant "DIAF DIAF DIAF". Sue me.

This has to be satire or something. Nobody's campaign staff is that dumb. Right?

Via Instapundit, who took it seriously enough to do some research, with... interesting... results.

Thanks to Shirin for the entry!

Yeah, I know, it's made the rounds, but I still thought this "take down" of the chatty Today Show hosts was a hoot. Welcome to live TV!

Nothing says "Valkyrie" like big German women with rocks and cudgels:

Pedestrians usually step aside when Gisela Lang and her lady warriors come down the street, re-enacting the glorious day when the Women of Kronach helped oust an invading army from Germany nearly 400 years ago.

"All of us weigh at least 90 kilograms," (200 lbs) said Lang, 52, a local culture official who herself tips the scales at 100 kilos.

Mark gets a no-prize that only sings when it's all over for bringing us this amusing bit of local German tradition.

Think of it as a cat, with thumbs. It's not a sloth; I'm pretty sure it's some sort of loris. Hmm? Oh go look it up.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Ok, I admit it, I literally laughed out loud when I checked out the URL. I need to get out more...

Brian gets a no-prize that'll play a classic Styx tune with the press of a button for bringing us the Halo Corpse Alphabet. Something tells me this won't end up as a set of magnets for our refrigerator.

And that's not a challenge (Joshua)!

Well, I'm still looking for my Buddha gravy, but at least when I find it I'll have a side dish. Considering all the weird ways Cheetos can come out of the bag, I'm surprised it's taken this long for somebody to spot a Jesus one.

Sorta puts a whole new spin on that "eating the body of Christ" thing, eh?

I'm pretty sure doggycondoms.com is fake, but if it's not it certainly represents a pretty innovative expression of experimentalism. I think. Somebody else gets to put it on Rover.

When the children are away, the parents may play. Vaguely NSFW.

Except for the language, I deal with calls like this just about every day. And people wonder why help desk workers don't last very long...

Remember that awful wedding cake you saw years back at your [friend's | relative's | ex's ] event? Bet it wasn't as bad as these.

The worst one I can remember actually was at a wedding, years ago. Strangely, I can't remember exactly who's wedding it was. At any rate, it tried to be a three-level, columned classic. Which it was, if you overlooked the frosting drooling over the sides like slow-motion water from an overfilled punch bowl. The impression of a ruined Greek temple was greatly enhanced by the fluted columns no less than 4 degrees out of true in all different directions. Truly, it was a classic.

It's... It's... a miracle:

Diners have been flocking to a restaurant in northern Nigeria to see pieces of meat which the owner says are inscribed with the name of Allah.

If someone would only find gravy with bits that look like, oh hell I dunno, say Buddah for the sake of argument, we could use this and that Jesus toast to make our very own holy sh*t on a shingle!

I swear, some times I'm so damned clever I amaze even myself.

Via Yourish.

Mark gets a no-prize with a really high voice for bringing us more evidence that Rock Band is a video game, not a teaching tool. This must be, what, the sixth or seventh actual rock band that couldn't play their own songs on Rock Band? And check out the drum setup... no wonder they did so poorly!

So, if a previous article is to be believed, TV commercials now cause kidney stones. What an insight! I should work for TV news!

As an inveterate TiVo user, I haven't intentionally watched a commercial (at home, anyway) in something like six years. Who would've known that would put me in with the greenies? Quick! Someone light up a charcoal grill!

Parents of young children can test the strength of their Seuss-fu with this Dr. Seuss quiz. I only got 7 out of 10, but then again it's been awhile since we've done the Seuss circuit during story time.

Hey, at least he's honest:

You must know your way around [Super Mario Bros.] before we meet... also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

Thing things people are willing to advertise for...

tellin' da troofs. Better than impeechin' our doodz!

Via Instapundit.

Lisa R. gets a no prize with a crown and scepter on for bringing us The Principality of Hutt River, which appears to actually be the oldest "micronation" in Australia. They even have a home page. Mint coins and stuff!

Shoot. If I'd know'd it was that easy I'd've done it years ago!

Work for NASA, pee in a cup. Over and over again, it would seem. But hey, at least it's voluntary!

Ya know, the party just hasn't started until the guy covered in barbecue sauce shows up. When Mr. Shotgun is pointed at you, it really doesn't much matter how badly you need protection from the government, no'Wha'ah'mean?

Why we didn't think of a picture like this, I'll never know. Oh I know all right. They may not shoot guns, but the grammas Olivia's got can swing some pretty heavy bats.