All I can say is, we definitely buck the Virginia trend here in casa Johnson. This "tween mortification moment" brought to you by the happy parents council.
Of all the people to get mixed up about, I can't think of a worse choice. I mean, the man is famous for holding big guns and shouting at people. Live TV win!
This just in: The norks have conquered the sun. I'm sniffing either a hoax or a mistranslation, but it is North Korea. They're pretty much capable of any wacky thing as far as I'm concerned.
I guess the take-aways from this are: a) don't ride the luggage carousel, b) if you do, the cops will come sniffing around, c) get the hell out of the airport if you go for a ride.
Me, I'm going with a, but that's because I have a mortgage and responsibility and stuff.
Southerners in a snow storm:
8 ball, side pocket.
"While more virgins gave birth to boys (59.8%) or may have learnt they were pregnant during Advent, these trends did not reach statistical significance."
To tell the truth, I'm not completely sure anyone even uses Pagemaker. Maybe if they did these things wouldn't happen. Then again, being more efficient often means people just screw up faster.
Well, in his defense it did take some thirty years to turn these predictions into a collection of howlers. Like: "Baloney. Do our computer pundits lack all common sense? The truth in no online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works."
On the rare times I get a wrong text I just ignore it. These people? Not so much.
I'll admit a few of these made me itch a little, but it's nothing like what some of my friends will go through. Enjoy!
Now, this will be shocking so I want you to sit down. Ready? A McRib sandwich patty looks weird before it's cooked. I know, right, but surely this isn't just because it's a slow news day.
What happens when a bunch of engineers have a pumpkin carving contest? Pretty much what you'd expect. I liked the one with the googly eyes the best.
It's all fun and games until you notice what's happening on the hood of that car (SFW). From what I'm reading in various comments, this sort of thing is much more common than you'd at first think.
Wow! Look at those cars! No, actually, I've never been accused of being subtle. How'd you guess?
Introducing Marchi Mobile eleMMent Palazzo, a three million dollar monstrosity that reminds me of a dustbuster with wheels on. Do I want one? It's expensive, unique, probably unhinged in ways that aren't immediately obvious, and Italian. You do the math.
Hey, folks, stereotypes are usually there for a reason. Can't say I've known any Canadians since college, and back then we treated them more like crashed aliens than anything else. I mean, it's not like the University of Arkansas is the very first place a Canadian think of when it come to college, ya know?
Exactly why Southern cemeteries aren't studded with these things is a bit beyond me. Nobody has ever gone broke underestimating a red neck's taste. Proof positive that they don't all speak English, I guess.
Well, it's not like they come with labels, ya know? This actually happened to friends of ours a few years ago, although they paid about 1/10th that price, and I don't think (so far at least) it's anywhere near that big.
Well, I guess it's a certain sort of distinction that none of the states I've lived in rate best, or worst, at anything. States Ellen has lived in? Not so much. I do think it's funny everyone seems to want to vote Texas off the island.
I would not be surprised at all if this was a video in Ellen's house, back in the day. She is the QUEEN of workout videos. I also wouldn't be surprised if she knew who the lady was.
I know I shouldn't think some of these are funny, but I do. Some scenes are NSFW, others are patently offensive. So don't watch it. Eh?
Is that my new rental car, or are you just glad to see me? My luck, it'd be some retired Wal Mart greeter or something behind the counter that day.
Hey, there are advantages to owning your own space taxi, ya know? Olympic torches have always been designed to stay lit no matter what. It'll be interesting to see what sort of extremes they go to to keep one going in hard vacuum.
Around here, Ellen would be upset if they got it right. Olivia would be, too. Of course, she's ten, so her preferences can be a bit suspect. At least everyone seems to be treating it with a sense of humor. Most of these stories seem to end with the "victim" suing everyone in sight.
And in the "slow news" day file, we have this collection of 40s-era anti-VD posters. "You can't beat the axis if you get VD." Good to know.
I guess I really do miss out sometimes by skipping all the commercials. Then again, thinking about all the time I saved not watching them? I'm ok with this.
Moab, for the rest of us.
Oh, look. Someone's let the architects loose again. I'm pretty sure they meant to say the Palace of the Soviets was to be 1000 meters tall, not 100. As I recall, Hitler's "new Reichstag" would've enclosed roughly the same area as NASA's VAB. Except back then they would've had a harder time stopping rain clouds from forming inside it.
I love cross-cultural comparisons. Seeing what other people think of us gives me a specific sort of very useful mirror to look at. So, not only is this 10 American habits Brits will never understand worth a read, I think the rest of the articles linked at the bottom are, too. Oh, and missing curry? She needs to move out to Herndon, aka "New Herndeli."
As with guns, when misbehaving, always be aware of what is in front of AND BEHIND you (SFW). I've always gone with the assumption that my work computer's internet connection is monitored, and browsed accordingly. I'm pretty sure it's actually not, but why take the chance?
Well, if this is what North Koreans believe, no wonder they're so weird. The tone, content, and bizarre asides jibe well with what I've read about the place, so I'm leaning toward calling it "legit." Just how many North Koreans actually believe this stuff is hard to judge. And if they have to pay to see it, or need a TV, it really won't matter as the vast majority of Best Korea's citizens can afford neither.
Not content with the various broken bones and dislocations they provide separately, someone has combined the pogo stick and the scooter into a single device. Sometimes I'm happy to say "I'm way too old for that s-."
I believe the term "that's a lot of woman" is appropriate here. She looks like she's having fun, why the hell not?
I guess it's true, people really did talk like Austin Powers back in the 60s. I was but a wee lad at the end of that decade, and I fail to recall such colorful elocution. Then again, in 1969 the best I could do was probably "mama," so I'm probably not one to judge.
Watch out, folks, that snazzy new Iranian fighter jet has made its first flight. You know it's pretty bad when the aviation media goes on record that it's an RC model. But it's not meant for us, it's meant for the Iranian public. That said, from what I've read about Iran, the Iranians don't believe it all that much, either.
My VERY first race ever and I'm running in the cold, in my UNDERWEAR!
Please consider a donation no matter how big or small, every little bit helps!
And yes, there will be photos of proof I ran in my underwear in February!
For more information on the race, use this link.
Scottish authorities to seal: "Wanty bolt!"
Seal to authorities: Am away hame!
Something tells me it might get a bit smelly in there. Seals aren't known for their hygiene. Well, they're not to me, at any rate.
No, Ellen, you can't have one.
Phone too cumbersome to use as an actual phone? Here's a gizmo to help. A phone for your phone. Ellen will want three.
It's like they're trying to describe the far side of the moon.
HOA to local paper: Don't you dare print anything about us. If I see so much as our name...
Local paper: Oh-no-you-dih'-unt!
Pretty obvious whoever is in charge of this HOA is a freaking maniac. Local papers usually play ball with the politically connected a lot easier than this.
Warning: very "blue" language, but otherwise SFW.
Funny only because it seems he'll be ok: a Polish man was recently admitted to a hospital after he "answered his iron." And no, that's not a euphemism. The phone rang and he put the iron to his head. To add insult to injury, he then proceeded to bash his head on the door frame trying to get water on the burn.
And now, proof that the MSM really is all that stands between us and a takeover by The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. It's... it's like they're not even human, they're so good.
There's "turning to crime because you're too dumb to do anything else" stupid, and then there's this guy.
Yeah, most of the time you really shouldn't dress up for portraits. The thing is, thirty years from now the pictures taken this year will look just as dorky. It's all about smiling and remembering, after all.
I think UK Christmas parties must be a lot more fun than the ones we have in the US.
It looks like the Chinese are pretty proud of their aircraft carrier. You know, the one that'd never be turned into an actual ship, never be made operational, and was at least three years away from launching aircraft? Yeah, that one. Meh. Carriers are neat. I'd be proud, too.
And now, a list of 32 "best internet memes of 2032". At my house, Ellen and Olivia have both driven #9 completely into the ground. They should also start a "precious wee" meme, for the same reason.
It's all fun and games until the dumplings start to explode. Another unexpected feature of the modern world: getting a look at the entire world's local access programs.
The magical specks of color that float down the city streets are normally just a mishmash of multicolored confetti, but this year, shredded confidential documents from the Nassau Police Department were also in the air.
The worst part is that the documents were shredded horizontally, so they were still highly readable. Some strips that stuck to parade attendees contained Social Security Numbers of officers and others detailed crimes like a pipe bombing in the Kings Grant area of Long Island.
So much for responsible recycling!
Like the Fark headline says: Here's an amusement park ride where women get off before the ride is even over.
"So? How was the ride?"
Should I not do that? Was that wrong? Even a quick perusal of the article will reveal that, why yes, alcohol was almost certainly involved. With a day-old conviction for DUI and driving on a suspended license, you can already tell this person's decision making skills are... sub-standard.
Around here, we call this "Tuesday." Well, ok, yes, I guess we actually call it "any day that ends with a 'y.'" But we have fun!
You know you're getting old when you realize this used to ALWAYS be the reason for a kid not being at the bus stop to be picked up. Sadly, that is by far no longer the case.
It looks like being German was no protection against standard youthful incompetence. General Abrahms, I think was the source of this joke: "Take any average tank crewman, give him an anvil, and fly him out into the middle of a desert and leave him alone for four hours. It's the middle of the desert, they're all alone, it's just a lump of iron, and he has no tools. I promise you, when you pick him up, the anvil will be broken."
And now, the lighter side of hurricane Sandy. It seems to include ALL the footage that was used to make those silly storm-related pictures we all saw two weeks ago. Laughter definitely beats the alternative.
It's official: absolutely nothing is safe on Russian roads. Their traffic accident footage is epic. I still can only guess that it's an insurance quirk that sees so many of these cameras in use on Russian roads.
Sometimes more efficient communications just means you screw up faster. Bonus: the article notes the photo of soldiers guarding the Tomb of the Unknowns was taken in a summer shower in September.
Best. Street camera placement. EVAR!
Sometimes the quote is all you need: My vagina is watching you from the other side. It will know if you stray. (SFW).
The things college-aged writers do for money: Let's see how well cereal holds up after its expiration date has passed, sometimes by more than twenty years. Said author seems to have made it through with flying colors, although I wonder how many extra trips to the bathroom may have resulted the next day.
Having solved all other animal cruelty problems, PETA is taking on the abusive, slavish relationship pokemon have with their trainers. Because, as you all know, stuffing magical fantasy creatures into red-and-white balls and tossing them at things is the height of animal cruelty.
Funny. From the media reports, I thought all they talked about was Big Bird?
You know time has marched on when a pop singer outbids NASA for a ride. Assuming it's true, of course. TFA doesn't seem to mention how long she'll be staying up there. For 53+ mil, hopefully it'll be for a couple of days, at least.
This is why the marketing department should never be put in charge of anything: a new Motorola ad claiming Apple Maps can't find an address is using one that doesn't exist at all. It's Manhattan, too! Everyone knows the addresses there, right?
Those of you who, like me, got tired of scrolling around a whole lot of nothing with today's XKCD comic may find this helpful. Slashdot's calling it the world's biggest web comic ever. Not sure I can disagree with that.
Some of them are incredibly well-known, but I'd never seen most of them. I loves me some game shows!
A Vietnamese car wash owner got busted for a particularly original "customer loyalty" plan. I guess women in Vietnam don't really get their car washed all that often. And by "car washed," I bloody well mean CAR WASHED. Stop giggling. Geeze, you'll pass out!
What I want to know is, how many people let this one get by before it ended up in print? Back when I worked with a non-profit, I seem to remember several committee meetings with at least six people on each before something went to print. Yes, they were a bunch of prissy wannabes, but still.
An elderly German farmer apparently got the surprise of his life when authorities notified him what he thought were sunflower seeds had turned into marijuana plants. This supposedly happened after he tossed bird seed on the ground. If it's all true, and I am by no means sure it is, I predict a run on bird seed at every pet supply store in the US in 3... 2... 1...
Wandering around naked and scaring old people is no way to go through life, son. At least this time it wasn't some 300 lb. basket case on a scooter. Bonus: Woo pig, sooey!
I've often wondered, if you take enough pictures will you eventually snap one of everything? Google is there to provide the answer. I must admit a bit of disappointment there weren't more people in various states of undress, but I'm odd that way.
Now that's my kind of shirt. It even has a cat on it! How cool is that?
Possibly the funniest trend floating around on the web right now.
I dare you not to laugh out lout.
At last, the sordid tale of Kenny the Clown and Steve Jobs' iPad can be told. Yes, you heard that right. Unfortunately this poor guy's house will probably end up a stop on The Great Apple Pilgrimage Road, where the faithful go to trace The Great Ones trials and tribulations on his path to Electronic Enlightenment.
Today's "why'd it take this long" entry is a particularly "sexy" one (SFW). If, you know, your idea of sexy is a bunch of guys dressed up like JPL engineers and a chick in a bikini with a box on her head. And that's also a gold star for "least likely set of words in a single sentence" for me, too!
Google. Is there anything it can't do? Using Google's auto-fill statistics as a predictor of US state stereotypes is great fun (Arkansas isn't interesting enough to warrant more than one thing), but even better is the first comment, who's author should win a prize for "Best. Internet. Snob. Evar!"
Got popped for weed possession and resisting arrest? That's a crushin'. "[Police] said they couldn't pursue the man because their cars were crushed." With "one picture says it all" goodness!
That's why the British are a specific sort of cool.
Ya know, this is almost enough to make me want to join twitter. You know, because I don't have enough avenues to spout off to the whole world as it is. I especially liked "Heather Has Two Mommies Without Jobs."
Why, yes, he's just glad to see you. Article is SFW but links to a (from the thumbnails) a slide show that's on the edge. Or tip, as it were. I wonder what he actually does for a living?
It's nice to know even famous parents have to put up with their kids' sh-. That said, putting up with it is much easier with bodyguards and nannies. On the other hand, my kid's meltdowns don't end up on the front pages of newspapers in the checkout line. Meh. Their lives, their problems.
And in the "too much time on my hands" file, we have a guy who's made a kind of career out of bizarre portraits. Even the originating article doesn't really explain exactly what this guy is trying to accomplish. That said, the pictures are... interesting?
Yes, I think they'd be better served spending less time on this and more time on making sure the car goes fast and the pit crew stops f'ing it up. But this is still fun.
Leave it to the Aussies to leave nothing to the imagination. I do have to agree that rubbing one out on the train is... rude.
Not content with copying an entire Swiss town, another developer in China has copied London's Tower Bridge. Since it is China, after all, the knock-off is smaller and doesn't do everything the original does. It probably also costs less.
Ever wonder what it'd look like if a big-time fireworks show shot everything off all at once? Wonder no more. Fortunately, it seems that nobody got hurt. Complainers gonna complain, of course, but for me just answering the question would be worth a fireworks show that was 15 seconds long.
I thought panic was defined by a Southerner faced with a snow storm. This has now been topped by a Southerner faced with a week in July with no air conditioning. Background and further comments is here...
Ellen insists this is what our living room is like when I turn the rig up to 11.
To paraphrase an ancient Eurythmics song: "you can fool with your brother / but don't mess with those knitting with their hands." Obligatory:
Background story, and a second song, is here...
Pro tip: when exiting from a failed shoplifting attempt, try not to get run over by your getaway car. Bonus: this is the Wal Mart we use most weekends for groceries. All in all, I'd rather it be a lot more boring than this. Bonus: Perp is actually from, you guessed it, New York.
Well, at least now I know my family isn't the only one with a collection of awkward family photos on gramma's wall. After my grandparents passed away all those pictures were (presumably) boxed up and hidden away somewhere. But I know they're out there, somewhere, waiting to horrify an unsuspected distant relative some day.
No. No, I won't.
"Adopting a hairless cat is like hiring a naked old man to walk around your apartment and never thank you for anything." -- Even more tweets are here...
Forget whether Obama was born in the US. Ace of Spades asks the serious question: what if Obama is actually the Superman doppelganger Bizarro? With quotes like "Eca, ecanomix... Jobz? Jobz simple. Me punish job creators until they destroyed. Then me say "Ha ha ha!" Then they make jobz," one has to wonder.
It's been awhile since Fark had a really epic "CSB" story, but the comments on "Have you ever stopped dating someone for a silly reason" is quite full of win. "She smelled like soup" is currently my fav.
Problem: you have a story about officials inspecting a landscaping project, a picture of said project, and a picture of said officials, but not together.
Solution: time to go 'shopping!
The author is understandably incredulous that anyone would take this seriously, and to their credit it seems like some people in China figured it out fast enough. But that completely misses the point. The propaganda ministry isn't trying to convince hipsters, let alone foreign hipsters, of anything. They're trying to make sure the little old lady in the checkout line believes what they say. Now, think about it. I'm sure your grandma would figure this out in a heartbeat, but would all of her friends be able to do it?
And that, folks, is why this is happening.
The MLB season is, what, not much more than a month old and already Cubs fans are losing their damned minds. Then again, it didn't take long for the Cubs to silt down to the bottom of their division but still. Buck up, people! There's a whole lot of baseball left to play!
Well, that's one way to prove your point: a man's effort to get his neighbors to close their windows during sex involved posting an audio file of same on the internet. Classy? Us? You really don't come around here all that often, do you? The article is SFW, but (I'm guessing) headphones would be required to listen to the file.
Meh. It's not like he posted the address. I've never completely understood why people are so put out by all this putting out. Guess I just must have a different irritation threshold.
What do you do when simply taking the keys away from a teenage boy doesn't slow his driving down? If you're in a specific neighborhood in Poland, you get creative. If it fell out of there, it'd likely only improve the car.
Presenting the world's lightest "Ferrari." No, the quotes aren't an accident. The darned thing costs more than the original. I do like the way this one sounds, though. All throaty and stuff.
I gotta tell ya, I'd pay a lot more attention to our presidential debates if this was part of the scenery. You know, for the fifteen seconds or so it'd take Ellen to find something heavy to hit me with. But those would be some pretty interesting seconds, I'll tell ya...
While by now every hipster and Obamanite has heard of Julia, the hypothetical woman who benefits from having the correct person in the White House, we haven't heard the whole story. It's a lot more interesting than you'd at first think. Especially the whole "arm-as-a-chainsaw" thing.
It's funny because that's really what it sounds like when your side talks about mine. The confused look on your face just makes me laugh harder.
Yes, Virginia, there are sharks with lasers on them. I'm with the guy who designed the brackets: if it helps pay off the R&D, gets some advertising out there, and doesn't hurt anything, why not?
It seems kids of all sorts have no idea what to make of a peacock. Nice to see a giant-sized freak-out, too. On kittens, it's cute but not as impressive.
All those people who took that "Romney mistreats his dog" story are pleased to be calming down now. I like the inevitable reply site even better!
A mid-level member of the Taliban has decided to cut out the middleman and turn himself in for the reward. Unfortunately that word does not mean what he thinks it means, and "arrestilarity" has ensued.
Like they say: images matter. Sadly, the media's already playing down this particular unforced error. Me, I'm puzzled. Prostitution is legal in Columbia, and presumably even Secret Service agents get time off, even on assignment. If no laws were broken and this wasn't done on company time, what's all the fuss really about?
I really don't remember video games stinking this badly back in the day. Then again, I can remember spending a sleepless night waiting for Santa to bring us a Pong game. And playing it at 5 am in my pajamas just like it was yesterday, so I'm no real judge.
Not just the kind that hangs in the sky, also the kind that is stored in a bottle. Ellen got big into the hole self-tanning thing that she claimed was needed for dance performances and such. Me, I'm pretty sure it was to make sure I got funny-looking tan lines on my hands.
Sorry, can't help it, chicks coming out of anesthesia after wisdom tooth surgery are just funny. They must've changed the mix over the years, since (as I recall) all Ellen did was giggle a lot and claim they stole her tongue. When the drugs wore off, it wasn't as much fun any more.
Also making the rounds: an obnoxious drunk getting pretty damned epic with Bohemian Rhapsody. It looks like they picked him up, drove somewhere for most of an hour, and then just let him rip in the parking lot. There's a reason I play thundering music when I get that toasty. I can't hold that kind of pitch.
Good to know a college is a college. My junior-and-above-level classes were enough like these I cringed more than a few times, and hell all I got was an arts-and-crafts degree. Oh, and those nightmares? The ones where you're sitting for a final in a class you thought you'd dropped in the first week? They'll still be with you, twenty-five years after you graduate. Sleep well!
Via B. Justin Shier (READ HIS BOOKS!)
Pro tip: no matter how tightly you've locked your FB profile, if you say something genuinely weird, it will get out. See? You people just thought I could be weird and inappropriate. Yeah, I know, a few are probably fake. Oh, and for the record, mine have never smelled like cheddar cheese, ever.
The Washington Post's fourth annual "Peep Show" winners have been announced. I would've made the winning entry with more burnination and homeless people, but I'm not what you'd call sympathetic when it comes to hipsters who need to move the hell on and get a freaking...
But I digress...
One of the supposed joys of traveling is eating weird stuff, because North American food is legendarily plain. Turns out, to someone not from around here, our food isn't as plain as we're lead to believe. I'd long known that Europeans think free refills and giant portions are weird. I didn't know about the Chinese and cheese. Maybe that person was from a specific part of China with no knowledge of that stringy, gooey wonderfulness?
Exhibit number 34,567, "The Dumb Sh- Things Guys Do": trying to jump over a rail fence from a moving car. I'm pretty sure he destroyed his junk and literally tore himself a new one. Ah, well. He probably removed himself from the gene pool, so we at least have that.
Ever wonder what modern super heroes would dress like if they lived in the 19th century? Well, ok, neither did I but someone who draws better than me did. Funny. There's something they all have in common with their modern counterparts, I just can't quite put my finger on it...
Make sure you check out the rest of Tommy's YouTube channel. I laughed my ass off at a lot of them!
It's nice to know the cute chopper robots who'll eventually rule the planet aren't infallible. I guess all that netting and safety equipment is there for a reason.
Leave it to the Japanese to turn my current hobby up to 11. The clip is undated (as far as I could figure out), but that's a slightly older-tech chopper there, with mechanical balance controls. Which is to say, the pilot is even better than you think he is. I still wouldn't let him land one that size on my head.
Damion gets the coveted Junk Yard No-prize for bringing us an alternative way to pull an engine. I'm pretty sure this is a salvage yard. Otherwise it's just a bunch of guys hooning about with an old, defenseless Jetta. I'm OK with that.
And in the, "surprised it's taken this long" file, we have a Twilight-inspired engagement photo session. Let's see, they're a) (presumably) paying their taxes, b) staying out of trouble, and c) not on my lawn. It's official, they can do whatever they want.
For the Apple-obsessed freak in your life who has everything: Chinese authorities have seized a large number of "Apple iPhone Stoves." Looks more like an "Apple iPhone Hot Plate" to me. I think they still make those, don't they? At any rate...
It turns out there actually are places with motorists who are as colorful as the ones we have here in N. VA. Of course, that's a whole state. We cram that much chaos into a geographic area that doesn't officially exist. Here's a list of some of the wackiness we put up with.
Fark is featuring an absolutely epic "cool story, bro" thread involving roommates. I have a few wacky party stories, but was pretty fortunate in the roommate department. Oh, there were some difficult ones, but nothing all that special.
Lewis Black has got that great, ranty freshness taking a look at how the media is handling Whitney Houston's death. I noticed in the grocery store on Sunday The National Enquirer was featuring more than a dozen pages going into all the gory details but, hey, at least the Enquirer never pretends to be anything it's not. All the others who sneer and make snide remarks about sleazy tabloids? Not so much.
An enterprising (presumably) gay person has decided to do the Mormons' practice of baptizing dead people into their religion one better by allowing anyone to "homosexualize" a Mormon. Normally I'm not all that pleased when people make fun of other peoples' faith, but I have to admit the whole "baptize by proxy" thing is definitely one of the weirder aspects of the Mormon faith. Oh who am I kidding. My bunch not only believe it's possible to be reincarnated, but to be reincarnated as a bug. Faith is weird that way sometimes.
Christmas came very early for someone as it left someone else's house: a safe bought on E-bay for $122.93 ended up containing $26,000 in cash. This seems a little fishy to me. That much cash in a wall safe that just "appears" in the world's biggest flea market makes me think, "drug dealer," and those guys are known for being... intolerant... when people lose or steal their money.
Assuming it's real at all. And yeah, someone who finds that much cash and starts blabbing about it? I'm thinking neither party in this transaction are what we'd generally recognize as genius-grade decision makers.
Even when worn by one of the most evil men in history, lederhosen look ridiculous. Any chance to make ol' Adolf look stupid is a chance worth taking in my book. Downfall parodies, FTW!
Yes... this was given to me by an Asian friend.
The lengths guys go to distract themselves knows no bounds: take a look at how one guy deals with "noisy" neighbors. A specific sort of NSFW noisy, if you get my meaning. Dude, we learned a long time ago bare boards stink at bouncing quarters. You'll have a much easier time with a hardened surface like a piece of countertop or something.
Given enough time, not only will people think of basically everything, they'll build it, too. Witness the V8 Volvo sedan. Complete with a fresh primer finish! I'm smiling a bit broader here because not yesterday we saw a set of very expensive rims with ultra low-profile tires mounted on a different Volvo. It was a station wagon.
Hey, I wouldn't be a guy if I didn't occasionally engage in ridiculous childishness every once in awhile. And yes, the guy probably needs to see a psychiatrist or something. Then again, don't we all?
Why yes, I DID record this man dancing. He did this for a full half hour too.
A friend on Facebook was talking about voice mail strangeness recently, but it was of the "wtf are you calling me at 7 am when I don't get in until 8" variety. I wanted to show her what REAL weirdness was, but when I went looking I couldn't find my favorite message. It'd vanished. Now it's back. The beeps are my own edits to remove genuinely personal information. So sit back and take a listen to what genuine wackiness sounds like.
This was my original entry:
One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.
Frank J. Fleming: "But how do people react to seeing millions more on food stamps? It’s not the logical, “Yay — look at all the new people I get to help with my tax dollars!” No, it’s irrational yelling about all the extra people dependent on government. To which I ask: What’s so wrong with being dependent on government?
I'm sorry. It's funny.
Yes, people really do talk like this around here. Hell, I talk like this around here.
Who knew the Empire's minions could be delicious? I wouldn't feel ridiculous applauding this guy's armor. I'd be too busy munching on it. And who would've thought of a "cake" made out of rice crispy treats? My kind of sweet!
Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good iPad like that. I know of at least two people who would dance around like you'd tied their kid to that balloon, waiting for it to fall to earth. I'd pay money to watch how they'd react to a successful recovery.
Hey, man, they're show cars. Sometimes things go wrong with show cars. Unfortunately this one won't work anymore, because all the magic smoke got out. With video!
Iran is now claiming to have downed that drone by using flying saucers and tractor beams. And when they say "flying saucers and tractor beams," the actually mean... well, flying saucers and tractor beams, actually. No, really!
Me, I'm keeping my money on the "software bug/hardware fault that left it stuck using GPS instead of its jam-proof internal navigation" square.
Engrish strikes again with a rather amusing/startling take on how to advertise a sale. I thought Ellen was the only one who talked that way, you know, to Amber and stuff. Somewhere in Japan there's a lot of bowing going on, and hopefully an English-speaking gaijin will get a new job.
Fark started up an epic picture thread for those in mourning over the weekend's playoff results. Some of them were pretty good:
Go pick out your favorites!
It would appear the ancients were no more interested in being "green" than (most of) the rest of us. The main differences, of course, were that there were a helluva lot fewer of them, and their trash typically was biodegradable. Oh, and don't miss the much older and only vaguely related article that relates how teenaged boys haven't changed a damned bit in 35,000 years.
Actually, it's when ceiling fans attack idiots. The sound it makes is what really sells "teh funnay." Worst I ever did was shove a beer glass into one, around when I was this kid's age. It went off like a bomb, but nobody got hurt. This kid, not so much. His follow up shows he's got charm instead of brains. Looks like the ceiling fan is fine, although I wonder if the balance might be a little off now.
Fark has announced its "Headlines of the Year" awards, and as usual they're worthy winners. My personal favorite: "What's the new rage in protesting, if you're a monk in China? Why, setting yourself on fire, of course. It's been done before. But monk he see, monk he do."
Jupiter the cat and his friends sing their latest hit!
It never ceases to amaze me that, after a lifelong study of WWII aviation, there are still things out there to be discovered. Can't do that as easily nowadays, since I'm pretty sure wood (or even metal) won't stand up all that well hanging from a modern jet fighter. Then again, maybe a scrubbed-out drop tank would do the trick.
No, I'm Buddhist. It means I'm coming back as a bug, not going to a "heated room."
Today's "head explodes with candy" moment comes to us courtesy of a clumsy panda cub. As if there's any other sort of panda cub. Looks like the panda's fine. I guess they bounce pretty well at that age.
Witness the wonders of finance in a multi-child household. Because Olivia's our only one, our jobs are much simplified. Which is not an accident. She tends to trade on good behavior and grades to get what she wants. We're fine with that, it provides the right incentives.
Chris W. gets a no-prize that'll fizz when he shakes it for bringing us the latest antics of those diet soda guys. It definitely looks like Coke Zero has more energy in it than Diet Coke. That trigger mechanism seems pretty cool, too. I wonder what those plastic rods are for?
This just in: the Muppets are a Marxist front organization. An amusing example of people taking themselves way too seriously, or an embarrassing example of my side coughing up the ball? I guess it all depends on which side of the peanut gallery you're sitting.
Great. Now we'll start seeing ridiculous little pickup trucks wandering around the mall soon. These cars make sense in the downtown of the dense ancient cities of Europe, which naturally means they're quite common in my suburban Virginia environs. It must be a damned interesting commute in one of these things on the toll road, that's all I'm saying.
Fans of the show will nod and note it was really only a matter of time: the Mythbusters finally blew a hole in the wall of someone's house. Nobody was hurt, but I'm sure their insurance company is not in a happy place right now. Here's to hoping they're able to keep doing the show!
Lord bless this, thy Wikipedia, without which we would never have known about the U-boat that visited Rhode Island before setting back out to sea and sinking six freighters, in daylight, on the surface, surrounded by US destroyers. Funny because, remarkably, absolutely no-one got hurt in the operation. Remarkably, U-53 survived the war and died "in its bed," turned into razorblades in 1922.
Funny because nobody got seriously hurt: an exotic car outing ends in a spectacular smash-up. The cars are expensive not just because they're fast. Some of that engineering definitely goes into making them safer. In other words, if you're going to have a crash going 100+ mph, you could do a lot worse than one of these.
Japan is famous for being ultra-strict on speeders. It wouldn't surprise me if people ended up in jail over this.
Amazing it's only been a year, but Damn You Autocorrect is celebrating it in style. I'm still not completely convinced any of them are real, but Ellen goofs autocorrect often enough to make me think it's plausible. Me? I've got one of those slide-out keyboards on my phone for a reason.
Ok, I gotta hand it to the guys over at ThinkGeek. This is really clever. Thing is, I'm pretty sure they take their models from their general staff. Which means that lady... well, that lady probably has to deal with a lot of requests for metal bikinis, if ya know wha' I mean...
I'm really sad they didn't make the end of this clip into a slow-mo instant replay. Funny, but basketball and soccer both have it all over these guys. Hey, what's a little drama among friends?
Some people take medicine, this man does karaoke!
Coming to a bridal shower near you: Bella's Twilight wedding dress is now for sale. I think Amber will need to renew her vows for this one.
News you can use: women's "gaydar" accuracy varies with their hormonal cycle. Can't be true. Requires women to be wrong, which all married men know just doesn't happen.
This just in: Amazon's Kindle reader actually weighs more when it's full of books. Admittedly, not much more, but it does make for a nifty scientific prediction. First, though, we have to find a scale that can measure in attograms. Yeah, you heard me. I did spell it right!
Fark, irreverent? No way: "Catholic Mass liturgy to change for the first time since the 60's; will now include segment where the faithful say "Pie Iesu domine" and hit themselves in the forehead with a board." Linking to this story.
So, how many Internet memes can you spot? My pop-culture-fu is weakening, I had to read the caption on nearly all of them. I did think "Asian father" and "the real 1%" were funny.
While we here at AMCGLTD are perfectly aware this is parody. Or is it?
Only in Alaska: grocery store business stopped due to bear cub in the produce section. Me, I'd be much, MUCH, more worried about where momma bear was at that particular moment. Then again, it's nice to see it's not just human babies that can end up in the damnedest places when you turn your back on them.
A family got so lost in a corn maze (maise maze?) they had to call 911 to be rescued. Pro tip: if you never want to get lost in a maze again, hold a finger against a wall and keep it there as you walk. You will find the center, and your way out. I got that from an old AD&D manual decades ago, but I have tried it and it does work. If I jog I can usually beat the "expert" time easily.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that's a-changin' for bringing us this most welcome riposte.
As expected, the Foo Fighters were creative in their response to the Westboro wackos' protest. Still, doesn't quite seem fair to get front seats to an ipromptu concert just because you're a nutjob. Ah, well.
No, realli! He was Karving his way tru apples using the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush... What? You didn't really think I'd let another chance to make Holy Grail references go by, did you? Just wait until I break out the llamas!
var Picture = Words(1000);
The hits keep coming in this collection of cleverly defaced signs. This time, with even more "STOP: HAMMERTIME" goodness!
It's like something out of a cartoon: inventor found blackened, wandering the street in his underwear, after blowing up his own house. I've long known stills could be finicky, but I had no idea they were explosively dangerous. In other news, it's perfectly legal to run your own still in the UK. Try that in the US, and the revenuers'll come a-knockin'...
Hundreds feared dead.
It hit a cemetary.
With 32 fun photos!
Why yes, yes we are. And we'll be seeing you next November, you can be damned sure of that. Via Instapundit.
I always tend to steer clear of the "free food in the breakroom" phenomenon, but that's just because I'm a recovering picky eater. Now I know there are even better reasons to be cautious. Or, on reflection, perhaps hidden bonuses? Sort of like a real-life version of finding hidden coins in a Mario Brother's game?
Knowing fanatics who follow their respective teams, well, fanatically, I thought the paths to the Cowboys and the Redskins were particularly appropriate. Me? Yeah, ok, I root for the 'skins, but that's because they're the home team. Hell, if I lived in Dallas, I'd be all blue and silver most likely. College football is where I have genuine loyalty. Go Hogs!
No wonder they can't find Kadaffi! Me, I'm surprised CNN can find its butt with both hands and a map sometimes.
Possibly one of the funniest 80's videos out there!
I should mention we splurged. We spent an entire $8 on Amazon for this CD! Chicago 17 FTW!
Motivation? You need motivation to exercise, punk? All right, how about 5k's worth of obstacles and zombies? That's right, maggot, zombies! DO YOU FEEL LIKE RUNNING NOW?!? DO YOU?!?
In the wake of the DC earthquake, is it too early to ask what Obama did wrong?
Gotta love dem farkers.
Exactly how this got past the editors I'm not so sure: a Haaretz report on a Jewish youth singing competition in Israel ended up with the headline, Who will be Israel's next Jewish idol?. I dunno, I guess it's just me, but the first thing I thought of was, "wait, are they going to paint them gold? Is an angry old Jew going to come down a mountain and throw stone tablets at everyone?"
It's bad enough when a truck driver doesn't pay attention to clearance signs before passing under a bridge. It's even less fortunate when the truck is carrying cars. Expensive cars. The underpass in front of my college's student union would snare trucks with some regularity, and it had the gouges in the ceiling to prove it. I think they eventually lowered the road to stop it from happening.
Football season is clearly upon us when the plaintive cry, "love the Redskins! They won't suck this year! We Promise!" rings all the way to the Shenandoah valley. I had to double-check the byline to make sure Redskins fanatic Chris didn't actually write it.
Yeah, right, I know I know. When Redskins fans engage in myopic hope whilst dancing on the edge of the abyss, it's sad. When Cowboys fans do it, it's a factual step onto the plains of paradise. Until it isn't. Every year.
We've actually seen the one with the button and the bacon. Put it this way, beats the heck out of setting a police car on fire.
Planking is so last May. Now we have "horsemaning." Pictures of seemingly headless belly dancers in costume will, of course, be on their way as soon as Laura and Ellen do another show together.
"I am a little shocked. She says she is a Christian, but the Bible doesn't say anything about dinosaurs. Should I let him keep them, as long as he understands that dinosaurs aren't real? Even the PBS shows that he watches talk about dinosaurs and evolution, and how the scientists found these "bones" but the Bible doesn't say that God ever created them, and the earth is only 6,000 years old, not old enough to have "bones" that they say are MILLIONS of years old! I know that Satan tries to trick us in many ways, and this is one way that he tries to fool man into believing that there isn't a God who created the universe. How can they be bones when they are made out of ROCKS? I told my son that dinosaurs are one of Satan's many ways of tricking man, and he must talk to God before he plays with them. Am I handling this right? My first 3 were all girls, and I adopted boys, and lots of mothers tell me that boys are often attracted to these dinosaurs. So I don't know what to do. Is this just harmless fantasy play for him, or should I be worried that he may go on to believe in things like evolution?"
Really? There are still people out there like this?
Don't forget to read the comments! Those are always the best!
I think the judges just didn't like his technique. I don't remember that sort of thing resulting in a DQ, but memory may be failing or they may have changed the rules. Sometimes the trigger is just too hairy.
So, does the "Angry Birds Bra" mean they've jumped the shark, or is there more to come?(SFW) Or, you know, support... something like that. Now, if it falls apart as quickly as one of the puzzles, I may find it more interesting.
Blonde + Bentley + Monaco = Ferrari - Aston Martin - Porsche. The price of beauty is high. The price of beauty behind the wheel of an expensive luxury car driving down the streets of Monaco is quite a bit higher. "Like the fist of an angry god..."
Iowahawk: The end is nigh, and yeah, they shall tweet about it. I'd have no problem forcing policy wonks to live by their own wits, precisely because of the predicted outcome. And who knew the number 4 would make a good shiv?
A woman who refuses to pay more than $400 in fines because a cop found the plastic testicles hanging from her car obscene has set the blogosphere a-chattering. I think they're funny because they gross Ellen out. I'm classy that way.
This just in: vibrations caused by a Tae Bo workout caused the evacuation of an office tower in South Korea. Fitness nuts Ellen and Suzanne call that "vigorous." I tried Tae-Bo once, but I don't have the balance or coordination. I gave up on aerobics the third time one of Ellen's videos told me "you'll look great in your summer dress!" Biking, that's my ticket.
This one goes out to all my pun-loving friends...
Recently Ron and Amber noted they saw an elderly version of themselves sitting at a Bob Evans. Now I've found a picture of what one of them will look like shortly after that. Or, you know, if Ron actually does manage to roll his Datsun off the edge of a cliff or something. I'm sure there are people who've had Razorback-themed funerals. I just can't find pictures of them.
Now that "planking" seems to have run its course, we now have "leisure diving." Ellen and Laura, you now have your new mission. Not sure if the belly dance costumes will handle this silliness as well.
Ellen's favorite local new channel really hit it out of the park choosing the clipart for this story. I especially like the little bubbles. What? Well of course they'll serve beer in hell.
... and then there's the guy who couldn't quite untangle himself from the reporter's wires. Bonus: wearing a water-powered jet pack. I must admit that thing looks pretty sweet.
Ever wonder just how many different ways a live morning TV segment can go wrong? Wonder no more. Jeff gets the coveted Donald Duck no-prize for bringing us yet another example of how Australian TV is so cool.
From the land that brought Ellen's 9 year old sister giggling outside to ask me if my dad fed me squirrels... a Manhattan restaurant is serving a "Texan" sandwich that would be unrecognizable to anyone actually living in the state. Per usual, New Yorkers manage to make something annoying yet strangely compelling at the same time.
Dang, I'm slowing down... I've only said 4 of these 9 things "you should never say to a child" to Olivia. "If you don't clean you're room I'll kill you and make another one just like you" and "if you don't go across this walkway I'm going to toss you off it" were strangely absent. Bonus points?
Well, what do you see in this collection of signs and advertisements? I only see advertisements, I don't know what the rest of you are going on about. My story, sticking to it, you sickos...
Convalescents get bored, I provide: The Jefferson County Sheriff's Department said the man and a woman were in the process of burglarizing the garage on Glade Chapel Road, in Hillsboro, when they decided to have sex. While having sex, the woman sprayed the man with pepper spray. And that, folks, is how to have a party.
No, really, the shark jumped over the guy. There's a nursery rhyme in there somewhere, I'm just not clever enough to tease it out. Yet another reason to stick to swimming pools and water parks, far as I'm concerned.
Our Geek-Fu is... weak! We missed Tau Day! In our defense, neither one of us has mad math skillz. My last math class was college algebra, twenty-five years ago. I got a C-. Ellen says she passed calculus 1, but only by blinking big hazel eyes at the instructor.
3... 2... 1...
It's nice to see I'm not the only one married to a insurgent shopper. Suicide bargain hunters, even. The sound you heard was Ellen's and Amber's heads exploding at all the inappropriate jokes they could make to each other over the phone, scandalizing their co-workers.
Personally, I like it better when politicians spew near an open mike, but this guy gets bonus points for airing out his private thoughts over an air traffic control channel. I guess it could be worse. He could've done it with the cabin mike open instead. Man, I tell you, those Southwest flights really can get interesting!
Weird Al is just BRILLIANT!
Chris W. will be inconsolable, now that "Friday" has been removed, possibly for good. Of course, that means he'll go off and find something worse. Come back, Rebecca! Please, come back!
The best part is, Ellen doesn't think these people have an accent. Because they don't. New Yorkers make the rules, and those are the rules. Just ask Ellen! Or the Queen Mutha!
Weird Al seems to have been given one of those quick-hit surveys by one of Amber's most-favorite magazines, and the results are pretty much what you'd expect. That PIN number info'll probably come in handy. The Social Security number will, too!
Look, if Jon Stewart is sending up the media's latest attempt to bury Sarah Palin once and for all, that pretty much means it's "stick-a-fork-in-it" time. Even UK newspapers have noticed the frenzied non-event may have unintended consequences for the MSM. Liberals, and unintended consequences? Say it ain't so!
Ha! From experience, I know the difference between Southern BBQ and Yankee grilling is not technique. It's blinking at the "mutha-in-loowa" who insists there's nothing wrong and we should just eat around the squirrel's claw marks. Good times, good times...
Oh, how many people do I know who "sound" like this? "I think even crazy people are aware of Godwin’s Law by now; they are just too crazy to care. Fight it. One easy way to identify yourself as crazy is to have no sense of scale. To a crazy person, every little bit of nonsense is a crisis of epic proportions that has to be handled right now."
What's that you say? Me? How dare you! When I declare something is a CRISIS, it's a DAMNED CRISIS!
You'd think someone on the staff would've pointed out the obvious problem to the Des Plaines folks that people might misunderstand their "I *heart* DP" campaign. Sorry, if you don't get it either I'm not explaining. Just make sure you have safe search set to "max" when you try to look it up. At home. Site itself is SFW.
And now, midget bullfighting. Oh, don't worry, no cattle were harmed in the making of the show. It's a living.
Oh who am I kidding? I was dating Ellen when she was 19. Her actual video would've involved just as much emotion, but many... many... more f-bombs and gestures. Amber, however...
(Yes, I'm pretty sure it's fake, too. But it's funny!)
There's a reason motorcycles and bicycles have a front and rear brake. Unfortunately this guy seems to have forgotten that reason. Oh, he's fine. His crotch rocket looks to be at least mostly fine, too.
Remember, folks, when in Indiana don't fear the space rays. No, really! It's gotta be a movie prop or something. The best this area can do is a, "Caution: Deaf Pedestrain" sign just off the south end of North Capitol street in the District, I think.
I link this because Ellen giggles every time the subject comes up: Erections have consequences!
Is that a bear in your hot tub? Actually, it was more like the bear found itself a convenient watering hole surrounded by an inconvenient fence. So, hot tub owners, next time you find yourself annoyed at cleaning the bugs out, just remember it could be worse!
I'd propose it to Fark, but it'd never get greenlit: Man fails attempting to leap over red bull. This is not a repeat from 2500 BC. Or BCE, if that's your cup o' tea. With video!
This blog is genuinely funny.
Possibly the BEST way to embarrass your kid, but when they are older they will look back and think what a cool person you really were.
The UK's new environmental taxes are threatening green energy research. You must understand taxes aren't supposed to be paid by everyone, just by the people we don't like. No, really, check out the comments, that's what they're saying.
And today's desperate attempt at free publicity is (spins wheel) ... ramming a police cruiser and getting taken into custody. There may not have been alcohol involved, but I definitely suspect cynicism might have been. Then again, it got us to link it up, so I guess it worked.
Sorry lady, you're 2,000 years and one Jewish baby short for that excuse to work. Blasphemy? US??? Oh, hell, I'm a heathen. I don't even play by your rules...
Only in Florida: 10 year old boy drags 6 foot crocodile home with him. Nobody got hurt, not even the should-have-been handbag set.
While I, personally, was given an ingrained fear of all things motorcycle by my parents long ago, a few of my friends actually own the things and Ellen still wants one. For them, I figured this list of 6 things nobody tells you about owning a motorcycle might be interesting. I can state for a fact the thing about bugs goes for convertibles as well.
For yet another entry in the, "I'm surprised it's taken this long" file we have the Grillenium Falcon food truck. Bonus: It's located in the same town as my Alma-Mater, Fayetteville Arkansas. I'll call this one an "under the radar fail."
I'm not at all sure how many of these "unintentionally sexual church signs" are for-real, but I'm figuring they're not all fake. Which just makes it that much funnier. It definitely makes them more interesting than what's outside the Ballston Methodist church, that's for sure.
A German insurance company recently held an orgy to reward their most successful salesmen. Now that's what you call an incentive. Yes, I said incentive. Oh, stop giggling. And put some pants on.
I'm actually surprised a US news crew didn't try a stunt like this. You'd think there'd be nearly as many nerds on a German TV news crew as there would be here in the US. Then again, I wouldn't put this past any engineer who sick of the pretty people he or she is supporting.
Mark gets a no-prize that wants steak for bringing us this creative example of pet transportation. It'll be all good until some motorized rickshaw blunders into his path. Then again, I guess they're as safe as he is.
Conflict: we haz it...
Since it seems some of you were not his friend, we're happy to present Osama's last Facebook post. I'm pretty sure "like" isn't too strong a word for how we feel...
Why yes, we will link up Miley Cyrus covering 'Smells Like Teen Spirit,' and thank you for asking! It'd probably be better if she wasn't actually trying to hit the pitch, but I guess chicks just aren't strung together right to pull off growling in key.
It's really badass!
Sometimes there's just no improving it: In West Virginia news, a man, dressed in bra and panties and high on bath salts, kills his neighbors' goat. With helpful, SFW, picture of what someone like that would look like. Look, I always figured West Virginia could be a boring place, but I had no idea...
Observation: a dinky little reality show recently broadcast its second season's finale. Reviewer's conclusion: "Undercover Boss has, in effect, unwittingly endorsed the eradication of the middle class." No, really, that's what the dude wrote! Go for the smarmy, "I didn't spend a semester on Western Civ for nothing" review. Stay to watch the moonbats settle 'round his belfry and wave their red flags with abandon.
Hey, ya know those 24 packs are darned hard to run with! Why yes, it is a video of an idiot trying to make off with a case of beer and tasting pavement instead. I especially like how the getaway car had to sit and wait for traffic to clear. Smooth guys, real smooth.
Reviewer's take: "The Elite D6 is a surprisingly good player and one that delivers much more bang than I expected from a low-priced component. " MSRP: $700. Yes, folks, that's what the high end thinks is low priced. What? Well of course I want one. It's got such a low price!
(No, really, I actually do want one. Maybe I can pick one up used on E-bay...)
Everyone's favorite "Onion Turned Christian" website has asked a question to which we all want the answer: Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer's Testicles? These people have been at it for, what, ten years at least?
And now, a Steve Jobs encased in carbonite iPhone case. Thing is, I can absolutely see all the legions of Apple-heads say the same wistful, "I love you" line that Fisher did in the movie. I can also definitely see Jobs making the same reply that Ford's Solo made.
Alternative headline: Karma's a biatch, don't you know. Being the UK, I don't think the incident was kept quiet to protect the identities of the SAS men. I think it was kept quiet to ensure the nanny state's police didn't arrest them. Those criminals could've been seriously injured!
Alternative title: the smug is strong with this one. There's a problem with portraying a typically obscure state election as a referendum on the END OF THE... WORLD! Sometimes, especially when you're, you know, wrong, sometimes you lose.
Yep, I remember accidentally learning about how sex worked right around the 5th grade, and that was pretty much my reaction.
Deceit and Calumny! "Veg News has written tens (possibly hundreds) of articles extolling the virtues of a vegan lifestyle, while purchasing rock-bottom priced stock photos of MEAT, EGGS, DAIRY and other completely non-vegan things." Ok, look, your diet, your choice, hell I got no problem if you decide to eat nothing but Converse shoes for the rest of your life. But boy, if those response to pictures don't prove at least some veganism is more about politics and religion than it is about anything else, I'm not sure what will.
April 14, 1945: a skipper loses his submarine because of a malfunctioning toilet. Worse: it was a German U-boat! I thought those people knew how to engineer things!
No, not Olivia. Olivia's good. Ellen, not so much...
I wonder if they prefer business formal for the interview? See, I work with programmers. With very, and I mean very, few exceptions, I can't think of a nicer bunch of folks I'd never want to see naked.
I like this show too.
And now for the Serenading Unicorn.
Possibly one of the funniest sites I have visited in a long time.
If you have auto correct on your phone, this has happened to you.
Personally, I think it should be titled, Bill and Ted's Middle Aged Adventure. I guess Reeves must need a new deck on his house or something. This one smells so strongly of turkey I'm surprised it doesn't gobble.
Captain obvious in a dress: the Vatican is warning that the Internet promotes Satanism. I guess someone finally taught them how to log onto 4chan.
F- what Obama's birth certificate reveals about his eligibility for office. What's really needed is some insight into what can be done if he turns into a zombie. The Constitution even covers this contingency! What a document!
Thing is, I'm coming around to the idea these things are actually advertisements for iced coffee. Who knew?
I totally remember this product!
Mark gets a dangerously impractical no-prize for bringing us a bear of a man and his knife-flinging catapult. I dunno. Seems a little short-ranged for a good zombie fight.
Dilbert creator Scott Adams cracked a few jokes about chicks, and got the predictably considered, low-key response you'd expect from the usual suspects. Reminds me of how a cat reacts when you tease it. It also provides an amusing example of why most people continue teasing. It's funny precisely because they don't think it is.
All those things they said about MTV videos are true: they really do look like they were edited by a chimp. Me, I'd like to see a second video showing him actually doing the work, otherwise I'm calling shenanigans.
Mike J. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us an abject lesson as to why developers should develop, and HR departments should recruit. Funny thing is, my skill set is actually pretty close to what they're looking for. Except for that whole, "other side of the country" thing, that is.
Robert H. gets a no-prize that's almost believable for bringing us the live webcam from Sokoblovsky Farms, home of the petite lap giraffe. Really! No, Ellen, you can't have one.
Mark gets a no-prize he can collect as soon as he helps me figure out where my mom went. With a gun.
Actually, this innocent, if colorful, cartoon explaining the Fukushima crisis should probably be required viewing for any reporter assigned to the event. It is targeted at their education level, after all... (completely SFW)
Well, it's definitely a talent. And why the heck not, anyway? Just let the vid play until about the 1 minute mark, you'll see. And hear. Completely SFW.
And now, a look at what (seems to) pass for sophisticated wedding photography in Russia. I wonder if, since most of their creativity happens in a computer, those photographers are as pushy as the typical wedding photographer is here in the US?
Today's proof that most people turn to crime because they're too dumb to do anything else comes to us courtesy of a guy who actually provided his ID when a teller demanded it before giving him the cash he was there to rob. Bonus: he was on parole for previous violations.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll bark along to "Puttin' on the Ritz" for bringing us yet another example of a family sticking to its name no matter what the consequences. Bonus: stuffed-shirt "knees are too sharp" commenter shows up almost immediately.
Amidst all the doom and gloom in the world, why not ponder the case of the woman with a monkey in her bra? Article is SFW and includes candy-head-explosion-inducing picture of the tiny perp who violated more than a few courthouse rules.
No, Ellen, you can't have one...
Today's "Facebook is not your friend" story comes to us via a picture of a stolen ring. Ok, it's great they got their stuff back, but this strongly implies the victim and the perp were known to each other.
Robert H. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us a "cereal" adaptation of The Last Supper. Get it? Get it? Cereal??? *TAP* *TAP* *TAP*... is this thing on?
Hysterical!! Especially if you have seen the reality show Toddlers in Tiaras.
And now, a baby spider monkey clinging to a plush version of mom. Ellen actually admitted that a s-tty little monkey was cute. Aaand everyone else...
No, Ellen, you can't have one.
Mark gets the coveted "Rednecks International" no-prize for bringing us even more proof that "practicality to a fault" is not exclusive to the southern United States. Trailers definitely do exist for a reason.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll swallow quarters at an alarming rate for bringing us a look at how some logos resemble... other things (SFW) Heck, I'm not sure there are any more video games that take quarters. Even the ones at Chuckie's only take tokens.
The song is excellent. The "spelling optional" lyrics just add to the fun. Mark gets a no-prize painted blue that Ellen's ancestors will build a wall across a country to keep away from for bringing us this fine example of Scottish folk music.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that can only be put down with a well-placed shotgun blast for bringing us the latest in "decorative" flash drives. I'm genuinely amazed it's taken this long for someone to think of this. The potential for various forms of naughtiness alone boggle the mind.
No, Ron, you can't have one.
Looks like even Gadhafi's* hot blond has left him. Includes a picture of what a hot blond might look like if she were stuffed into a giant parka with no makeup on her face and sunglasses hiding her eyes. F'ing tards.
* Yes, I'm quite aware this is a different spelling. The spelling of Gadhafi's name in Latin characters has been a running gag in the media for at least twenty-five years now. I'm just going with whatever I find in the article I'm linking.
Coming to a dance floor near you: an enterprising Israeli has created a mash-up combining a rapper named "Pitbull" and... Qaddafi. The old wack-a-mole never has looked more entertaining.
Ahahahahahaahaha.... Silly newbie. The first hit is free!
Once you're hooked, you can't stop.
5 years from now, you'll have 7 different helis in different sizes and levels of repair. You'll have sold your house for parts, your partner will have left (but you won't have noticed) and you'll be quite pleased at the news you've just been fired from your job, as it means more flying time at the club field.
DO NOT MOCK THE TINY CHOPPER!
So saith one of my RC helicopter peeps, when someone else claimed they only wanted ONE little helicopter.
Ok, ladies, I'll go on record here to say it's not cars, it's not trucks, it's not sports, and it's none of YOU that brings the boy out of the man. It's very small radio controlled helicopters. There's a new model due out next week AND GROWN MEN ARE ADMITTING THEY CAN'T SLEEP WAITING FOR IT.
But not me.
My story, and me sticking to it, let me show you...
Ron gets a follow-up no-prize for bringing us a new hot link to that We Dare Wii game. Yeah, definitely want to wash the controllers before you start this one. And, you know, after you're done.
"A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read."
— Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)
On The Insider, Mr Bobbitt recalled his terror at waking to find his manhood missing. Miss Gallo recounted her own decision to throw the member into a field. 'You drove me to that,' she told him.I have seen the field where his man part got tossed!
17 years later and we still talk about this!
Shades of WKRP intros: Congressman admits his behavior during the last election was, "inappropriate." Remember that ol' "picture worth a thousand words" line? Yeah, it's definitely SFW and definitely appropriate here. And why did I have to do a separate look up to find out he's a Democrat?
There's just so much hysterical win here.
And this is the liberal cartoonist's take on what's going on in Wisconsin. I like the one involving a Prius nearly as much. The last resort is to always bang the table. I think they're getting ready to find out what happens when the grownups get tired of the noise.
I got embarrassed just looking at this site.
Hello Banana hammocks!
Two words: Homemade Implants. *SIGH* Ok, ladies, smack the husband once, and make him read the clarification... Homemade boob implants. Men appreciate boobs. Women's fascination with winkies is every bit as mysterious to us. And you all definitely play with them just as much when given the opportunity.
Oh yes, I did just say that.
Being a sysadmin for 14 years, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see myself in these "nine traits of veteran Unix admins" I'm definitely glad I don't have to do any of that anymore.
The best part is picking out which particular Valentine's day cliche you are. I'll give you mine for free, it's the first one. The people who don't think this is funny are exactly the people it's aimed at.
Ok, I get that huge swathes of the left hate Sarah Palin with a rage only those who obviously have our best interests at heart can muster. Many times I think this rage might torpedo any campaign, well, really anywhere, she may decide to run. Then one of the scions of the main stream media steps on its own crank, again, and suddenly I'm not so sure. With enemies like these, who needs paid publicity?
Nice to know dumb rednecks can be found all over the planet.
Well, that is what you do with them. So I've been told, at any rate. By certain other people. Best part of game shows for me has always been the spontaneous goof-ups.
I guess the thinking was, "they toss me about that high on the field, why not climb to the top of the stairs and try the same thing?" Something tells me she has nothing to worry about being groped by the guy on the right.
So, you've finally made it, and have the yacht in the exclusive marina to prove it. Then this guy shows up. Well, it's not like you can exactly sink it, you know? Wouldn't want to be caught out in a storm in that thing!
Guilty as charged. That said, my "jet" only weighs one ounce and probably tops out at 20 mph. Downhill. In a hurricane. And when I break it, the parts usually cost less than $5. Yes, it does help me sleep at night. Thanks for pointing that out.
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." -- Terry Pratchett
Ok, all those people who think I'm a paranoiac when it comes to environmental issues should take a look at what a real wacky guy writes about the environment. Go for the amusingly standard social conservative denial. Stay for the invocation of the Antichrist. No, really!
We've long known that if Jim Cantore shows up in our neighborhood to run like mad, because he always brings hurricanes. Now it looks like God himself may be trying to call the Stormbringer home. The storm that dropped the substantial snow around here last month also had a bit of thunder in it.
Ok, I'll concede that Reuters is at least being up-front about their bias. Yeah, I know, Bush had a few of these too. I just don't remember seeing any of them at the time.
Robert H. gets a classic cross-and-serpent no-prize for bringing us a self-propelled look at the future of advertising. Another example of "that works fine in a polite place, but it'd last exactly twenty seconds over here."
Fark headline of our week: Obamacare to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Is it 2012 yet? I want grownups in charge of everything, please.
CNN is carrying this brief look at Idiot Abroad, Science Channel's new breakout hit. I can't remember if it was me or Ellen who put this one on season pass, but it's now one of our "must watch" shows. Hilarious and pretty much the opposite of romantic, it definitely has provided a decidedly different take on what a travel show can be.
Sometimes karma and Darwin rush together, like when a woman's suicide belt gets set off early because of a "happy holidays" text to her phone. Proof positive that Ellen and Amber could never pull something like this off, either.
Giant RC Heli: 1, Small styrofoam aircraft: 0. Hopefully he paid for the replacement.
Glenn Reynolds: "Hey, remember when the Obamanauts were calling McCain McSame — because they couldn’t imagine anything worse than a President who would continue the Bush policies on war and taxes? Heh."
Jon Stewart veers suddenly centrist as he makes fun of, and scores points on, the Representative from Tennessee. When centrist liberals start calling out their own side, you know something interesting is going on. Especially when they're this funny.
Remember that insanely catchy tune with the raunchy lyrics? turns out it's just as funny when performed in sign language. It was tough, remembering all those different sign language swear words, but I persevered. I'm classy that way.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll clean out the nearest grocery store's stock of toilet paper, milk, and bread for bringing us a weather report anyone who was around here last February can relate to. Even better is how little snow is actually still there. I thought Virginians were useless in snow. Not compared to Atlanta!
"Oh dear, I'm feeling political today. It's just that it's dawned on me that 'zero tolerance' only seems to mean putting extra police in poor, run-down areas, and not in the Stock Exchange."
-- Terry Pratchett
Remember, folks, they're from the government, and they're here to help. Yes, I'm sure there are representatives dumber than Ms. Jackson Lee, and (now that there are more R's than D's), we'll start hearing from them more often. It's the law of averages combined with a conscious sampling error, not some sort of real indicator of intelligence.
Ten, fifteen years ago, a newspaper and a politician could work together to craft a narrative for the now, for the moment, using current events to leverage political power and public opinion without any reference to what happened in the past. No more. Now, tell me again, how there's no such thing as the "liberal media," and Fox News is the real enemy.
British people have the oddest sense of humor. Especially if you are getting dumped LIVE on the radio.
Japan is making a run at taking back the "World's Weirdest Asian Country" prize from China by introducing a new urinal-based video game. Yep, you read that one right, "a pressure sensor located on the back of the urinal to measure the strength and location of your urine stream. A small LCD screen above the urinal allows you to play several simple video games including a simulator for erasing graffiti and a variation on a sumo wrestling match."
There's just no way to make this stuff up, people!
Fark's headline of the year contest is definitely worth a look. Don't believe me? How about Coup succeeds in detaining Niger president, exciting teabaggers who misread the headline.
Wow. I didn't know that much milk could come out of a nose.
They told me if I voted Republican the president would increase the carbon footprint of the White House, and they were right!! If the L.A. Times is starting to turn against Obama... well, no, nevermind. This is more easily explained as taking a few easy shots before they knuckle down to the job of getting him re-elected.
Remember, folks, it's not the facts that get reported, it's what moves magazines off the stand that gets reported.
As God is my witness, I actually, genuinely like this song. If nerdy Asian guys can do hip-hop, hell anybody can do hip-hop. I'm not even sure I know what a "slizzard" is.
Turns out PC gamers really are a breed apart. No thanks, I've already got the gold oak leaf clusters on my "Nerd" merit badge.
Those clever Israelis! Not content with controlling (shakes the 8 ball of JOOOS!!!) rrrm... Hollywood, they've now been spotted using the F-35 operationally. If it appears on a news site, it's bound to be true!
And in today's, "dude, you really get paid to do this?" file, we have a research project that has determined the brains of politically conservative people have larger "fear centers" than liberals. Since my side of the gallery spends most our time keeping the left side of the gallery from driving us all into a wall, well, yes, we tend to respond to fear more than their side does. It's conditioning, not genetics.
Two words: belted sweaters. The letters next to each guy mean they must've been in a catalog at some time, somewhere. I was busy ogling the chicks in the underwear ads, so I never noticed. And, dude, check out that pimp hat!
Super-tight jeans, for men? It's more likely than you think. On the one hand, it's nice to hear a fashion trend I liked from my youth making a comeback. On the other, leave it to the 21st century to include The Wrong People in it.
Yet another funny site that is based on unwanted gifts.
Looks like Amazon is a helluva lot harder to take down than a bunch of script kiddies previously thought. Too bad, so sad. Think maybe that'll be what causes them to climb out of their mom's basement, blinking, into the sun?
Nah, me either.
I'm thinking "the first powered, controlled flight in an Australian-designed and built plane" means the guy was puttering around in a flimsy Wright Brothers-like contraption. Regardless, where it chose to crash land was pretty interesting. That's the problem with exact recreations of really old airplanes... it recreates all their handling vices, too.
Sometimes they're just no improving the original: They told me if I voted for Hillary, that Bill Clinton would basically be a co-president AND THEY WERE RIGHT! The presidency has always struck me as the worst job everyone wants. Nowadays, though, I'm thinking ex president is a pretty sweet gig. It's like being the ultimate granddad. Everyone's happy when you show up, and you get to give the country back when you get tired of it.
"I know! I know! Let's use a picture of a handsome naked athlete with a ball covering his... you know! That'll make a great PETA ad against fur! I dunno, seems to be just too rich to actually be true. I gotta say, I think I'm smelling a hoax. Or, you know, body wash or something. Picture is startling but technically SFW. Technically.
Chris gets a most informative no-prize in an envelope that squeaks for bringing us the latest in British instructional videos, circa 1975. Mark and I remember these things thrown on a screen by a squeaky 16mm projector. You know, those things schools used to use before they could afford VCRs. Which, of course, you know are these gigantic machines that used T-A-P-E to project...
Oh, hell with it. Pop in a Blu-ray, let's enjoy the movie.
Pro tip: Cars have brakes. Giant cans of paint don't. Fortunately nobody got hurt. I bet it'll be fun to hear how they explain that to the insurance adjuster.
Here's your cat. And here's your twenty dollars...
Hey, man, if dancing with the stars was more like this, I'd be a lot more interested. Ok, hang on, check that, I just remembered some of the more memorable stars on that show, and realized maybe most of them need to stay covered up.
Clip contains nobody in the nood, but is likely still NSFW.
It's nice to know we're not the only family with pets who react with psychosis to moving to a new house. When we moved the (then) five cats, it resulted in an outright palace coup. In the old place, since Magrat was the eldest cat she was the alpha cat. However, as a kitten, Ellen had taken Goblin outside several times and so youngest, and therefore most junior, cat Goblin was quite used to the idea that the sky could disappear into clouds and the world was bigger than a 900 square foot apartment. The others, not so much, and while they spent the next two weeks twitching in their carriers Goblin laid claim to the whole house. The world was never quite the same again for Cat, the Eldest (Magrat), although they eventually managed to negotiate an uneasy truce.
Ellen was convinced Coconut, the cat that almost literally was born and raised in one, small, place, would ever be right again. Eight years later it's like they've never lived anywhere else. Now that Goblin and Coconut have the entire house to themselves, they seem to spend most of their time being startled by, or plotting the demise of, the feathered "tiny green fud that is much less dangerous than the big green fud" that has been thrust into their lives.
That's right. Create your own infomercial.
If non-sequiturs are wrong, I don't want to be orange!
Important to remember: I always give credit to people who send me stuff, but I'll steal anything not nailed down the minute I spot it.
Robert H. gets a no-prize that doesn't really care what the movie'll actually end up being for bringing us a trailer for the upcoming movie, "Your Highness." Here's to the first genuinely silly fantasy adventure of the second decade of the Twenty-first century.
Ok, that should be enough to make all the women go to sleep. For all the guys, code words: Natalie Portman Leather Thong. Yea, and we all bow down to ol' R.H.'s instinct for awesomeness, and verily!
Remember, folks, just because Google Maps says it's true, don't make it so. A shooting war breaking out because of an on-line service goof? It's more likely than you think.
Another year, another extreme example of just how customized a Japanese can make his ride. I wonder how, or even if, it gets under bridges? Maybe all those fins are collapsible?
Fortunately, it didn't kill me. It just robbed me of my innocence.
One man's encounter with Smooth Move Tea.
Funny only because nobody (seems to have) got hurt... using explosives to demolish large structures can be hard. The power lines whipping around like, well, whips, is mighty impressive.
Not all the iPhone users I know are girls, and said "not all" better not show up at my house in a miniskirt. Capice?
Source: C-Section comics.
So, what should a hipster who's stumbled onto a huge collection of photos from the English pop scene of the early 80s? Call it gothic, of course. Almost everyone in those pictures is now completely grown up, desperately hoping their own now-grown kids just can't recognize them in those photos.
Well of course an Alfa made the list of 10 nightmare cars you can't resist. In fact, the only one more highly rated was an f'ing Lamborghini Miura! I'll just about promise at least one of the other cars is on your secret list. Well, except maybe for Ron's, since, if it can't be dropped into a mud pit at the bottom of a fifteen foot sheer drop, he doesn't seem all that interested in it. But hey, we all have our vices.
It's official: the whole "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has officially jumped the shark. I'm pretty sure at least some of those pictures are of Halloween costumes. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure several of them are not.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that's a surreal mixture of Disney, Grease, and some film with that short guy from Teen Wolf in it for bringing us Back to the Future, Bollywood-style. Aside from its prodigious length, I actually rather liked the Bollywood show we got on Netflix a few weeks ago. Slapstick comedy, catchy tunes, fun actions sequences with no pretense of reality, and hot women. What's not to like?
Nothing like local news to put "screw up on TV" into perspective. And heck, this was, what, 11 am? I get yelled at if I start drinking before noon, and I'm not on TV!
Remember, the coach always says to keep digging no matter what happens, because you can never tell what might happen. There's a similar video out there of a cyclist celebrating his stage win just before he wipes out his bike and the guy ten seconds behind him goes sledding past.
Ok, ok, sorry, just can't resist poking a little more fun at the left side of the peanut gallery. Oh, don't worry, I'm not expecting sunshine and candy to come rushing out of the rear ends of the freshmen GOP members any time soon. Then again, I never do. Can't quite say the same about the left's expectations for their side two years ago, eh?
Ever wonder what the band on the Titanic sounded like, after the boat hit the ice berg? Yeah, pretty sure it was something like this. Except, you know, less obnoxious. And boy, get a load of that good ol' MSNBC diversity. I tell ya, those people really had a point when they called the rest of us out about how racist we all were.
Yes, that "mine! mine! mine! mine! mine! mine!" chorus you're hearing is caused by the return of the infamous McRib sandwich. This'll be the first time in 16 years that it's available nationwide, to which I cautiously reply, "woot?"
I seem to remember, back when I was on the road to recovery from my picky-eater days, trying and liking the thing. As I recall, it's the sauce that makes or breaks it, otherwise it's not much more than a garden variety pulled pork sandwich that's been, well, "un-pulled," if you take my meaning. Still, can't see ordering one for myself, but that's not going to make me disapprove of or try to stop you from doing it. Foodies and other general busy-bodies, well, not so much.
Someone over at Google Maps is getting clever again. Not that it matters all that much to anyone in China, since I'm not completely sure they can even get to anything Google does anymore. Then there's the whole "South China Sea pirates" problem...
No, it's not an Alfa, but you'd only know that because of the pictures: "And those other cars, [t]heir horns make cute little beeping noises, so considerate to not be rude. They don't have horns that sound with the arrogance and fury of some long dead Mongol warlord. "
Introducing the pumpple cake, a dessert that's literally two pies baked into a cake. One slice has 1800 calories and feeds four. Those of you wondering what to serve after your Thanksgiving turducken need wonder no more!
Who knew The Sims analogs could be so entertaining?
Ahem, "If you use your metal shop skills in an attempt to turn a Camaro into a Lamborghini, you might be a redneck." I'm pretty sure the photos are that close because getting any closer would be bad. I'd like it better if flames somehow shot out of those monster ducts in the rear.
Backmarker F-1 team HRT have come up with a new way to get fined by releasing a car from the pits with a tire warmer still attached to it. Bah. These guys are brand-new. I can recall more than a few times when teams like Ferrari have released cars with things like fuel hoses still attached.
"The concept of being part of a team ... reaches its nadir in Halo: Reach. You will become emotionally invested in your Noble Team compadres..." (emphasis mine)
Yes, folks, they used "nadir" to mean something they liked. Found in the print version of Best Buy's Gamer magazine. Unfortunately this juicy bit of failure is not available on their site (that I could find).
Oh, don't worry, I didn't spend money on it. Dratted thing just showed up in my mailbox and, well... bathroom multitasking, people, bathroom multitasking.
"So dust, dildos, sex, high prices, unfinished grand stands, oily track and dodgy amenities are what the South Korean Grand Prix has brought prominently to the foremost portion of my mind." Dang. All I was expecting was for the cars to vacuum the asphalt into the sky. The rest is, well, I guess, gravy?
One day an old Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb burn out. To get a new one he’ll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they’ll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.
He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
“Ho ho, Mortal!” says the genie, stretching and yawning, “For releasing me I will grant you three wishes.”
The old man thinks for a moment, and says, “I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn’t want the place and march back home.”
“No sooner said than done!” thunders the genie. “Your second wish?”
“Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn’t want the place and march back home.”
“Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?”
“I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his –”
“Ok ok ok. Right. What’s this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?”
The old man smiles. “He has to pass through Russia six times.”
I don't remember where I first heard it, but I got this version here.
Yes, Virginia, Alfa did make quite industrial trucks, back in the day. And no, that's not just a Vanagon with a Giulietta grill wired on. That is a genuine "Romeo" truck. Not quite as slick as friend Chris's "yo-yo-YO" Escalade container ship, but at least I wouldn't have to blow the horn every time I entered the channel. Besides, a European truck from the early 70s? Yeah, I'd be worried people would steer off the road laughing at what the horn sounded like.
And in the, "why should we care at all" file, we have Johnn Cusack calling for "a satanic death center" to open at Fox News. I'd be more worried if I knew exactly what the heck that was.
Ah, hang on, now I remember... when my side's loons spout incoherently about violence, it's a dangerous example of totalitarianism. When your side does it, it's simply an example of how far my side's pushed yours. "Heads I win, tails you lose," that sort of thing.
Why yes, yes it does rather resemble a lap board. But that's ok, because those guys are heading toward a very important sort of finish line. Besides, if it could get them another point in the championship I'm sure Lewis and Sebastian would be right at the top of even that board.
Barney Frank: "Tea Partiers have tied me to the railroad tracks!" If anyone from my side had breathed even a word of it, there'd be a whole legion of moonbats twirling away from the tops of their towers, shrieking about the violence of the right. It's enough to make me wish I could play the piano like a silent movie pianist, and find someone with a mustache long enough to twirl the ends.
Like all classics, it's timeless.
In spite of what the caption says, I'm pretty sure it's not the rotor that's letting go, it's the mounting bolts on the caliper that are shearing off. How we don't lose 80% of men aged 15-25 to "controlled flight into terrain" incidents like this, I never will understand.
Mythbusters is back this week, and what better way to promote it than to have that big Scottish lump Craig Ferguson drag the principals out to do Melt with You? Will they be able to top slicing a Honda in two with a rocket sled this year? Hey, you know they'll try!
Introducing Fantasy UnSports, the game which lets you score points when your football players screw up off the field. Which is, of course, most of the time, so it's actually a pretty active game. I especially liked the point value for "Player claims that wildlife on the field during a game may be reincarnated former teammate."
As with most technologies, things like motion controllers and game boys have roots far deeper than you'd at first think. I remember the Microvision system very well, and I think either we or someone we knew had a Blip. The rest, not so much.
Another year, another forty-something bemoaning lazy, meddling kids. I'd take such things much more seriously, if I hadn't been reading them for the past, oh, thirty years or so. Likely there's a Linear A tablet somewhere complaining about how kids these days take bronze for granted and don't know how to properly tie a tunic.
And today's "attention fail" comes courtesy of yet another facebook f-up. Bah. If paid close attention to half the stuff we link up... oh, hell, what am I talking about? Sometimes I can't even get the damned links right.
Every time I think the Japanese have gone right round the bend, every time, they go and prove me wrong again. Clip is vaguely naughty and extremely weird, but, hey, it's Friday. Why would you care if it was SFW or not?
The best part is thinking about the number of people this had to get past before it became a reality. Sometimes efficient electronics mean you just screw up faster.
Ron gets a suddenly sleepy no-prize for bringing us the list of most sexually satisfied cities. I thought Indianapolis and Fort Wayne were getting awfully close lately.
If you think I'm thinking that you should think this is for you, you're right.
Leave it to the thirty-somethings at Fark to turn the fact that nobody's less than 115 miles from a McDonalds into a greenlight. B*tch, I worked at the furthest outpost of The Golden Arches back in 1987 when they opened up a branch in Dumas, Arkansas. Ask me about the time a helicopter went through my drive-through. I dare ya.
Woooooooooooo!! PIGS! Sooey Razorbacks!
Don't mess with the cheerleaders.
Me, I'm thinking the emphasis should be on the last syllable of his last name. But wtf do I know? I got sucked into that show last year because it was all that was on in my dive hotel in San Francisco during my (unbeknownst to me) last NAMI convention, and I just couldn't stop watching it. Ellen insisted she'd set the Tivo on fire if I tried to put it back on season pass this year. More's the pity.
See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.
Ron gets the coveted "Pig of the Month" no-prize for bringing us this little riff on catchy tunes getting stuck in your head. Which, of course, I am only linking up because it's a clever bit with some fun editing. That's all I noticed. My story, sticking to it...
That's not an absurd Nerf gun, that's one of my brother's toys! Well, now, hang on, that one has all sorts of upgrades on it. That sound you're hearing is my brother, furiously hunting through catalogs...
Ron gets a FABULOUS no-prize for bringing us car lashes. No, sorry, not the lashes that some leather-bound dominatrix dishes out. No, these are much... cuter. No, Ellen, you definitely definitely can't have them!
Rednecks do not just live in America's south. They also seem to be alive and well somewhere in Eastern Europe. Yeah. Airbags have to stop bags of water weighing more than 150 pounds moving at more than 25 miles per hour. That's more than enough to bounce your skinny butt off the ceiling. Here, have a seat.
Ron gets a no-prize that'll constantly wonder why nobody looks it in the eye for bringing us this great little bitty... rrrm... ok, you get it... song. NSFW language, but the imagery is safely PG. Store bought? Bolt-on? Pshaw. You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seems like "the bear lady's" bears were laid back for a reason. You mean mary-J is still illegal somewhere? Perish the thought.
Actually, I think that's part of the unacknowledged appeal: looked at rationally, a zombie apocalypse will fall apart faster than its constituent corpses. I would have more to say, but I got distracted by the Snorg girl at the bottom of the first page. Oh, except to agree that the real threat is sparkly vampires!
Robert H. gets an oh-so-NSFW (language) no-prize for bringing us what I'm sure is one of Ray Bradbury's least expected 90th birthday presents. I could swear I've heard the tune before somewhere else, but I got distracted by the bewbies before I could place it.
Mike J. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us yet another example of "too much time on your hands". Well, hey, if these guys ever actually left their basement, the internet would be a far less interesting place, eh?
I'd actually put the title of this in our post, but it'd cause eighty thousand pervs to hit this site every day. I have enough problems keeping the ones that already visit here locked down. So go look at the title yourself. Post is completely SFW.
That series of pictures of the hot chick telling her boss off with clever dry-erase sketches? Yeah, fake. It did have that whole, "just too good to be true" feeling about it, in my opinion.
Keith Olbermann: never let the facts get in the way of a good story. The video requires a free subscription to view, but in summary: Keith righteously calls out a lunatic right-winger who only took one question from a far-right organization and then fled a "fake doctor" Tea Party rally. Except, you know, she in fact stood there and took several questions, and had to be pulled away by her handlers to meet other obligations. That's not the point! The point is what we tell you it is!
But by all means, keep rooting for that sportscaster. I'm not sure he'd be able to make his mortgage otherwise.
Unintended consequence of Google Earth, #2456: the mayor now has his own spy satellite. I'm not sure if I should be appalled at the idea of a nosy bureaucrat "inspecting" my property from on high, or impressed that a local government actually figured out how to use new technology.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll explode with candy for bringing us this video of an otter teaching her kit how to swim. Olivia was just about that bad, until we go her a diving mask. After that, she was all mermaid, all the time.
Update: Link fixed!
Back in my day, we thought motorized water guns were all you needed to kill time between one college final and the next. That was because glow sticks had not been invented yet. Those of you wondering what the answer to the equation, "cheap booze + spare time + engineering students" was, well there you go.
Being a bazillionaire is no defense against a pissed off civil servant. As if parking, what, half a million dollars worth of cars in front of your store isn't publicity enough. Now that I think about it, I'm calling it damned likely said "pissed off" civil servant got more than just a heads-up about this opportunity. Meh, who cares.
There's advertising, and then there's advertising. I'm sure this will come as an utter shock to all of you, but sometimes the subtleties in life escape me. The fact I "got" this one means it's not all that subtle, I'm thinking.
What better way to end a tough Monday than a collection of time slices? Photography became popular because it allowed the truth of what we see every day to outlast time. It has endured because it captures the strange truth of an instant.
And lets our friends show it to us the next morning. Damn, man, put some pants on!!!
That whole, "people who want to be seen naked usually shouldn't be seen naked" thing? How about a guy has made a whole music video on just that theme. Video is SFW, but some of the pictures may have you reaching for the eye bleach.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that will always win "because good... is dumb." for bringing us this graphic account of just how Apple's iPhone 4 experience has gone. I'm pretty sure that's Mandarin, but you don't really need to understand the language to get a chuckle out of it. I wonder if there's an English language version out there?
And in the "straight girls are more like straight guys than even they will admit" file, we have an example of someone taking a request for redemption just that much too far. Oh get over it guys. No matter what your fantasy is, straight chicks would react to this in likely the same way you would, if it was your bud "apologizing" like that.
No one believed me when I passed this place on the way to Atlantic City last year. I got lost and the next thing I saw was a GIANT cowboy and a general store. I felt MUCH better when one of my assistants told me he LIVED in that area and it is COWTOWN, the best flea market in the area. Rudy no longer works with me, but he still sends me text photos of COWTOWN!
He’ll roll a 160-pound barrel — like the one he uses in the rodeo arena to fend off dangerous brahma bulls — 130 miles from Washington, D.C., to Cowtown to confront his largest opponents ever, bullying.
“I once heard something, that bullies are people who try to make their light shine brighter by putting your light out,” said Nash, known as “Starvin’ Marvin,” a nearly 40-year rodeo veteran.
The goal of Nash’s barrel roll is to bring attention to bullying and the effects it can have on the lives of school children, their families and others.
Something you just have to see in person.
Now, I'm pretty sure about half of these are fake, but I can't quite tell which half, and that means the other half are totally frikken awesome! One of Ellen's enduring memories of middle-o'-nowhere Arkansas remains all the goofy signs we saw on the roadside. Landscape-wise, Rural New York is so much like Northwest Arkansas it's scary, but they take themselves so seriously it's nowhere near as much fun as the Ozarks.
Paul the psychic octopus has picked Spain to win the world cup final. Yes, I said psychic octopus. Dude, you think I'm clever enough to make that up? Nice.
"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?" -- Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
"The Greeks - dirty and impoverished descendants of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around dressed up like girls." -- P.J. O'Rourke
People sometimes wonder where, exactly, I changed from a guy who likes pedaling into a road bike loon. Me, I'm not so sure either, but a conversation like this was probably involved. It's all good. My ex "married" a man who's been quite good to her for many years.
The sing-song speak n' spell cadence just makes this discussion of the iPhone even funnier. I can think of several people I know who are just about this dedicated to those silly little glorified card decks.
What is it with grid girls passing out these days? Something very like this happened at the, I think it was the Australian Grand Prix, anyway, at a recent F-1 race this year.
Ron gets a very naughty no-prize for bringing us quite possibly the most clever beer ad, evar. If they showed ads like that in the US, I'd be much more likely to watch them.
Robert H. gets a sticker-shocked no-prize for bringing us proof that the housing bubble didn't burst, it just moved north. Those were the kinds of "deals" that happened every day around here, say, about five years ago. Now, not so much.
So, Fark's survey headline was, "Which NFL team has the worst fans?" And the best comment, by far, was this:
*cracks knuckles, prepares to take thread to next level*
Cowboys fans: redneck racists who think Obama was born in Kenya; permanent "bigger is better" complex to compensate for probable small penis size
Eagles fans: possibly the worst "people" to walk the planet; do not actually eat food for sustenance, but instead absorb negative thoughts and energy; booed Santa
Giants fans: got nothing
Redskins fans: gleefully cheering the most racist sports team nickname in the modern world
Packers fans: far and away the most morbidly obese group of humans in history
Vikings fans: possibly the stupidest group of football fans; mostly racists
Lions fans: got nothing to say about these poor unfortunate souls
Bears fans: easily the greatest group of football fans in the league; everything a fan base should be: loyal without being subservient to a shiatty product, high football IQ, great tailgaters; only one d-bag with that Katrina sign, but we took care of him
Falcons fans: terribly dispassionate, much like all Atlanta sports fans
Panthers fans: haven't been around long enough to create a stereotype, so we'll just say something NASCAR-related
Saints fans: pretty happy for them, got nothing
Buccaneers fans: more concerned with that goofy kiddie pirate ship and the cheerleaders than what's happening on the field
Cardinals fans: only started accepting Christianity as a valid religion when Kurt Warner joined the team
49ers fans: chardonnay-sipping yuppies
Seahawks fans: the whiniest fanbase in the NFL when it comes to officiating
Rams fans: do not actually exist
Patriots fans: make excuses for their team's blatant cheating; a little dash of Boston racism for taste
Dolphins fans: view gameday merely as a social event; did not deserve Ace Ventura
Jets fans: have the worst little brother complex of any fanbase in America
Bills fans: nothing bad to say
Steelers fans: knew god-damned well this whole time that Big Ben was doing this shiat
Ravens fans: more violent and easily-agitated than most fanbases, but this is partly because they are forced to live in Baltimore
Bengals fans: got nothing bad to say
Browns fans: seem to actually be more happy when their team is god-awful
Colts fans: all bandwagon jumpers outside of Marion County
Jaguars fans: do. not. give. a. shiat.
Titans fans: seem fine to me
Texans fans: see "Cowboys fans", but subtract some arrogance and add 50 pounds
Broncos fans: easily the most delusional fans in the league; will drink up any Kool-Aid that Pat Bowlen serves; think "in-com-plete" is somehow witty or distracting to opposing teams
Chiefs fans: nothing bad to say
Raiders fans: deserving all these years of shiatty football for being possibly the most violent fanbase in professional sports
Chargers fans: Kendra Wilkinson
Ok, I get it. For every dangerously useless government bureaucrat I find under the rocks on the left side of the peanut gallery, you'll find dangerously useless lawyers on the right side. Hey, here's a thought! Let's put the libertarians in charge! They want to take over the government so they can leave you alone!
Oh, Earth, how can I destroy you, let me count the ways. A rite of passage in science fiction circles seems to be at least one apocalyptic novel, so I'm surprisingly familiar with, well, all the methods listed here.
Those ...those ...gay! (color wands galore!) people...CLEVER!
Crazy teenage lesbians. I wonder what Disney is thinking about this?
Ah, well, it looks like Ellen's dream to draft Amber so they can be the only people running after a storm just got a lot more crowded. The last season of Storm Chasers prominently featured scenes that depicted how crowded the, well, I guess for some it's an occupation, has become. Still, the crowds were unusual, and most of the time the guys in the show really did seem to be all on their own. Which, of course, won't stop them from biatching when "commoners" get in their way.
At first I was like, dude. Then when he rolled it out of the garage, I was like, dude. It's often said, "to increase speed, add lightness." Leave it to a German to take that maxim and run it right out the other side of lunacy.
An auction link, so check it while you can: Feast your eyes on what was once, briefly, the most expensive production car in the world. As of, as I recall, 1982. If inflation calculators are to be believed, it would be priced right around $265k nowadays. All of those people who make fun of Ellen's goofy box of an Italian sedan are pleased to be sitting down and shutting their trap now.
It seems the guy who's built a career out of being an annoying idiot has finally posted an upskirt too far. Powerful people have been hunting around for an excuse to muzzle this nattering nabob for years. As so often happens in these cases, I'm not sure anyone counted on him providing the lever himself.
Oh, and let's all hope this teaches Miley, and the rest of them, that miniskirts make panties mandatory, eh?
The noise the South Africans are making with their cheap plastic horns is so annoying the BBC is exploring electronic filters. I happened to be in a restaurant last Friday that had the world cup on, and I can definitely attest to how annoying that din really is. I at first thought there was something wrong with the TV.
Headline says it all: Smash and Grab Fails When Burglar Hits Self with Rock.
A British soap opera actress was recently told her boobs were too big for HD. The kicker? She's a quite-well-preserved 52 year-old who's character has been on the show for more than twenty years. With picture!
Jeff gets a no-prize that's not a g-d teenager, ok??? for bringing us A preview of Ralph Macchio's latest project. Not sure if that's actually his wife or not, but if she is, well done sir. Well done.
Mike J. gets a no-prize that can't get up for bringing us a bit of fluff that shows what a modern browser is capable of. Yes, yes, I know, but, like the great man said, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
When you see one loopy Japanese teen it seems that maybe they can be individuals after all. It's when you see pictures of dozens of them that you realize well, maybe not. Note: Main pictures are fine but some of the ads are quite NSFW.
I've often wondered what would happen if a car hit one of those toll booth dividers I regularly drive past every day. Thanks to some chick in the Ft. Worth area, I no longer have to wonder. And alcohol may have been involved? You don't say.
I'm pretty sure half the audience was expecting Lost to actually end this way. I never got into the program, so I'm just going on the basic amusement value of this. Others may get a better chuckle from it than I did.
Ron gets a no-prize that's just not right for bringing us Retarded Policeman #9. The thing is, this is what goes on in the minds of most regular guys. Oh yeah right, like chicks don't take advantage of it.
Any time a guy has a pile of brush and a gasoline can, you know something dumb is about to happen. Kya-boom!
Mike J. gets a very puzzling no-prize for bringing us a rather curiously labeled door. Years ago the Chevy dealership in the town I grew up in had a sign on its main garage door that read something like, "if this door is down honk your horn and Larry will open it." I always wondered what would happen if Larry called in sick that day.
I can think of nothing more discouraging than to set off an explosion so righteous it levels the bank, only to see the obstinately intact ATM bounding away down the street. Leave it to the Germans to take an interesting idea and add so many moving parts to it a failure is nearly as interesting as a success.
As someone who's spent years discarding wonderful photos because of the stupid f--- in the back, it's nice to see I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets to check the background when he pulls the trigger. I only wish my goofs were that amusing.
Nothing quite like 25 pictures of just how destructive kids can be to put your little hurricane-in-keds in perspective. Bonus: two of Olivia's greatest hits are depicted. I know teenagers have a deservedly worse reputation, but, far as I'm concerned, I definitely don't miss the days when cheese puffs were a weapon of mass electronics destruction.
Ellen! Ellen! Look! This must be what they were like when they were teenagers! No boobies or winkies, but definitely NSFW nonetheless. But damned funny.
Leave it to standard poodle owners to take something as basic as a trim and ram it right out the other side of ridiculous. Ellen does some of these sorts of things to long-hair cats, but she doesn't use dye. Yet.
It looks like even the legendary car manufacturer Volvo is not immune to the occasional demo failure. The more you complicate the plumbing, etc.
I need one of these. Not for me. Him.
My story, sticking to it.
I'm actually a little surprised I hadn't heard of the weatherman gaffe until now.
Pat gets a no-prize that'll threaten to stop the car if we don't all settle down for bringing us a mother bear "rescuing" her cub. Me, I think it was less a rescue and more an example of the lengths parents will go to get their kids to shut the heck up.
“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my muffin.” So did Betty White introduce her delicacy on “Delicious Dish,”
I am sad I forgot about this!
One of the less often noted features of pop music is its amazing flexibility. Hopefully the guy won't get busted for violating copyright or licensing. Yeah, it's a parody, but when's the last time that stopped the RIAA?
Me: "Ellen, you gotta see this."
Ellen: "The upside down kid is the best... Oh, god, the upside down one... and this one's using the wrong finger... and naked photos..."
It appears that yesterdays market chaos was caused by a trader entering "b" for billions instead of "m" for millions. These sorts of errors are possible often because it never occurs to the developers that someone would be that dumb. Unfortunately, they all too often are.
I'll see your "OMFG! We want your money and you won't give it to us BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!" politicians and raise you a governor who's been abducted by freaking ALIENS. There's progressive, and then there's progressive.
I WANT TO BELIEVE!
Yeah, well, no excuses: Republican senator busted looking at porn on the Senate floor. The question for the day is, are Democrats avoiding getting busted on these things because they're just that virtuous, or because they're not smart enough to actually point the web browser at the right site?
I'm sure you've already guessed my answer.
Sometimes it takes a few jokes to bring home how awful a place can be. Unfortunately people living in communist regimes have been telling jokes like this all the way back to the days of Lenin. Professors still think it's a viable system of government.
So, well, do you??? Those of you who liked "Dorkness Rising" would do well to find season 1 of The Guild. Unlike Dorkness, they've announced season 4 of The Guild. Available on DVD and Netflix streaming!
Gamers are professional paranoiacs because there really is someone out to get us, and the game master gets to bend the rules to do it.
The fact we can even attempt to compare Social Security with Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme speaks volumes. I've long considered my Social Security contributions as an expensive tax, money I'll never see again. I can state with full confidence that if I'd been given all that money as vouchers meant for tax-deferred accounts my personal retirement portfolio would be far more impressive than it already is.
But no, can't have that. We can't trust you with the money you made! If we just give you that money back who knows what you'll spend it on?
Power Point presentations have been identified as the next enemy the Pentagon must conquer. The folks at my old workplace were generally not competent enough to actually sew one together. At my new workplace, I'm either too far down the food chain to see one, or everyone's too busy to really mess with them. At any rate, the ones I have seen were mercifully restricted to just one or two slides.
Other folks, with other jobs, likely have a different experience. They'll probably find the article even funnier than I did.
Trust me, the only real difference between the inside of this car and mine is the language. Alternate title: a quick lesson in how to swear in Italian.
When posting rants about one's wife, the first advice is to not do it. If one must, one is advised to do so in a forum she does not frequent. Ignore this advice at your peril (post 1, then post 44). It's fun to rant. It's not fun to do it where a permanent record is left behind.
Of course, that assumes the thing isn't some giant hoax. No promises, no wagering.
That would be Octopus: 1, Cameraman: 0. Alien, but smart!
The best part... the best part, is the people who sincerely believe adultery causes earthquakes are ignorant, while the people who sincerely believe global warming causes earthquakes are scientists. I'm laughing at you precisely because you don't think this is funny.
Now that's a typo: "It is a tiny misprint, but an Australian publisher had to pulp a cookbook after one recipe called for "salt and freshly ground black people" to be added to the dish, AFP reported Saturday." I think we now have the answer to, "what's the sound of one proofreader getting sacked?"
I'm suspicious, because the video is just so perfect, but I still LOL'd at this skateboard fail. Note to the squeamish: does not involve blood or broken bones. But it probably should've.
Coming to a Target near you: licensed pop culture images on men's underwear. Surprisingly, I do not actually have underwear with the cross-and-serpent on it. And, personally, I'm fine with that.
Two words: Bacon AT-AT. Or is that three? Is AT-AT even a word? Oh who knows, I'm sure it violates a license or two. And soooo tasty...
I'm not sure why a giant collection of storm trooper pictures is entertaining, but it is. Probably has something to do with all the pollen in the air, that sort of thing.
Because if it was, it would've been Ellen who got a Droid, not me. It does sometimes seem the dratted little thing is omnipotent. But it's only a perception.
Berkeley, CA would like to remind everyone Florida has not completely stolen the Golden State's "wtf is wrong with you?" title. Georgetown's singular homeless man was given a tent so he could camp wherever he wanted in the city. I'm not at all sure if he's still around, thought.
How Zombie-fan Joshua missed out on brain cupcakes is beyond me. Red velvet cake: the utlimate freak-you-out baking good.
We heard about the guy who "blinged up" his bald head on the radio yesterday morning. Now we know what that looks like. An Englishman, being eccentric. Ya don't say...
I'm not at all sure if this supposed creative writing exercise is for real, but it sure is funny. A radical right sci-fi nerd getting yoked to a vapidly leftist emo chick? What's not to love?
Occasionally a Fark headline really does make me laugh out loud. When that happens, I think it's worth memorializing: Military commanders in Afghanistan have found that rather than a verbal apology to tribal leaders, the preferred way to ask forgiveness is to give them New Zealand supermodels. Now that's the wrong sort of animalympics right there, son.
Actually, a couple of these Star-Wars based costumes aren't that bad. And, trust me on this one, they saved the best for last.
Deepak Chopra seems to have taken the meditation equivalent of a massive dump, and the results were about what he would expect. Problems with causality would seem to not be a monopoly of the religious right after all.
Just because it's obvious doesn't mean it's not worth repeating: you should always use the cheapest HDMI cables you can find. Click the graphic to make it enlarge. Lamp cord for speakers, good quality RCA cables, and cheap HDMI. Interconnects, for the rest of us!
Ahem... ~some body TOOOOOOOOOOOO... LUUUUHhuhuhuhohohuvvvv.~ We especially like the couple with the assault rifle and the parrot.
Annie gets an obstinately silly no-prize for bringing us news that an advocacy group is lobbying to have the Washington Monument moved 300 feet to the left. Why? Because that's where L'Enfant intended it to go, that's why!
Now, I understand that island nations have lots of problems specific to their situation. That said, I'm pretty sure one of them capsizing due to overpopulation isn't on that list.
"Well now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise..."
And yes, I realize he's got some weird medical condition making him act this way. If I had a medical condition that made me act that way I would not have any job, let alone one that allows me to tinker with a whole country.
I'll see your be-winged, be-striped, beknighted rice truck and raise you one dragon. Or "Dagron", as the case may be. Ya know, the defining feature of a riced-out Honda is its base is quite cheap. The Corvette is expensive, even when it's a couple of years old. Ah well. His car, his money, his fun. And mine too, since I get to point and laugh at it.
Compensating for "visa-versa?" Why whatever do you mean?
This time I'm including the lyrics because, while the kids are cute, it's a little hard to understand what they're singing. If it gets kids interested in music, I'm all for it!
This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)
Damion gets a no-prize that's stone-dead reliable, but only to a point, for bringing us this abject lesson in why race car engineers get paid for what they do.
You'll have this song in your head the rest of the day...
Dang it, they need to come out with v2.0. It's been, what, three years at least?
Ron gets a no-prize he can hurl down at the wayward people when he returns from the mountain for bringing us The Gospel According to John [Moses Browning]. The only bad things I've consistently read about the 1911 was its weight and its kick. I guess that's why they're still so popular after all these years.
Ron T. gets a no-prize that'll impress the ladies in the past again for bringing us the best hard-core nerd headline fail of the year. So far. In the past. Or was it, again?
Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll just have to take our word about for bringing us this abject lesson in economic theory. The best part will be the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery will who see injustice and calumny as the lesson to be learned. More's the pity.
Bris?, Seder? Search for Sarah Conner? It's all good. Your mother wants you to visit her. You have fifteen seconds to comply.
Event: a rich association out-bids a different, slightly less rich association for a prime hotel because someone wasn't paying attention to who was going to be in town that weekend.
Result: ZOMG!!1!!ELVENTY!!! ALGORE IS GOING TO KILL COMICON!!!
I watched a non-profit schedule their annual meeting for 14 years. Getting outbid happens. This reaction? Comic book guy would be so proud...
ZOMG!!1!1ONE!1 Google's gonna take over teh hole wurld!!!
Mike J. gets the coveted "tin foil hat" no-prize for bringing us proof that no matter how hard you try to please people, there's definitely going to be someone out there who'll go all Chicken Little on you for trying.
Being a professional graphic artist sometimes just means everyone gets to see your mistakes. Some of them are a little subtle but others...
Now, I'm not at all sure if all of these broadcast news "fails" are legit, but most of them sure seem to be. Looks like a combination of "durpdurpdurp", "it's my last day f'it" to me.
Sometimes there's no improving the Fark headline: I have no idea what you're talking about so here's a picture of an alpaca surfing off the coast of Peru. No, really.
Sorta reminds me of a really retarded-looking cat. I guess it's the pissed off look I'm recognizing.
That's No Angry Mob, that's My Mother. If my own mom hadn't blown out her knees years ago, I'm just about certain she'd be right up there carrying a sign. Heck, I'd lend Olivia to her to hold another, just for the cuteness effect.
Hey, it's definitely more interesting than the local news in our town!
I live in DC! What do you want!?
Mike J. gets a grimly amused no-prize for bringin us this "oddly specific" graveyard sign. No, Ellen, you can't have it.
Leave it to the Top Gear crew to resoundingly call out people with too much time on their hands and far too many crayons in their box. The pictures are scary. The captions are a scream.
Is it a rickroll from 1976? A clever recreation of something that might have come from the 70s? A commercial for "Bob" that went horribly wrong somehow? You decide. Yeah, it's been making the rounds, but I hadn't seen it. Therefore nobody important had seen it either, until now.
Amber got Ellen these ridiculously fuzzy house shoes for Christmas. Now I know who "harvested" them. Go for the picture, stay for the goofy gamer quote at the bottom of the entry.
I have no idea what to make of this. But I like it! Oink oink oink...
No, not Olivia's. This is what's called a "representative sample."
Yeah I know, been making the rounds, but I thought this set of "truth in movie posters" was funnier than most. Maybe because, for once, I've actually seen several on the list?
And it's a nice thought, too. In a weird and twisted way, but still nice.
And now to give Ron and Amber horrific Jersey flash-backs. Some of these I'd seen before, others were quite new. It's my understanding this sort of... behavior... is less a "whole" New Jersey thing and more a "north NJ / East Long Island" sort of thing. None of my in-laws who live in the area look like this, but I bet they know people who do.
Nothing like people who don't even have English as a second language to really get creative with the bootleg merchandise. I think Fox should license those Simpson knock-offs and sell them here as legit. That sort of loopiness just dovetails so nicely with the actual series.
He says it's known as the Dry Gulch chupacabra, after the legendary animal that supposedly sucks the blood of goats.
Really? Goats? This one was found in a trap with a slice of apple.
Mark gets a no-prize don' do nothin' but talk some sense for bringing us this lesson in why it's best to just leave old white people alone. Personally I just want to get my rear home when I'm on the bus. I imagine that's what the old man wanted too.
Update: Some local radio station found the principals, and interviewed them.
Needless to say, the homebound bovines cause "total chaos," upending furniture, scattering belongings, and generally making a mess of things.
It's not every day that you get guest like these.
Fun thing is, we've been to Murfreesburo digging for diamonds! The little water park at the diamond mine was fun too!
Now wait a darned second, I thought Colorado Springs was a bastion of limousine liberals? A case of me getting my cities messed up, or yet another example of progressives making sure the little people are not led astray? Meh, probably the former, but it'd be funnier if it was the latter.
And now, the largest lightsaber battle ever filmed. In Bristol. No, not the planet, the town. I'm not even sure there is a planet Bristol. Oh, God, now I'm doing it too...
One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.
At any rate, I got one that was so loopy and yet so characteristic I captured it. You can listen to the redacted version here. Apologies for all the ads, if there's a better host let me know. Enjoy the quirkiness of what wobbling off one's meds actually sounds like.
No matter how many times you see these, they will always make you laugh.
Now, personally I'd include a few articles about cars, but otherwise these examples of how men would write women's magazines is bang-on. You know, as it were...
Brent B. gets a very instructive no-prize for showing us what a simple Google search can reveal. Which Ron never even thought of. @Ron: Son, I am disappoint.
Ever wonder what would happen to a laptop if you submerged it in liquid nitrogen? Wonder no more. Two observations: a jerk-off who does something unexpected is still a jerk-off, and does that guy look like Egon or what?
Sorry the vid is grainy! It has grease on it. *Scott*
Remember when mom said to never put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow? That's because she didn't think she needed to tell you not to put flaming crap there too.
Because we all know Ellen's much smarter than that.
Leave it to the Onion to just, out of nowhere, completely skewer "the NASA way." Oh don't worry, it's not mean. But it is appropriate. NASA-friend Kevin, you have been warned.
No, really, when pelicans attack! In this case, a weatherman who screams like a girl. Buck up, man, it's just a goofy bird!
How cute is this!?
I need one!
To this day I haven't found one of those Hitler parodies unfunny. This one is no exception. This marks the second time this re-worded rant matched exactly what I picture going on in the head of one of the people sitting in the extreme left of the peanut gallery.
Hey, if you can't post a huge website dedicated to a tired, old inside joke about British cars, what's the point of having it? Italian wiring has a good reputation for reliability, as long as you realize the wiring diagram is more of a suggestion than an actual, you know, tool. They make this stuff for computer circuits too, but in smaller, more expensive containers.
Think of it as an update to the piña colada song, only with a more realistic ending. I don't have to worry about something like that, because a baseball bat cocking backward behind my head doesn't make a noise.
Mark Ron gets a no-prize that'll keep him warm at night for bringing us yet another quirky Japanese interpretation of a mundane bit of camping gear. Honestly, I got nothing for this one.
Cameraman takes a spill on the ice from our recent storm.
Note how the reporter keeps going. *snicker*
Mark and Ron share a no-prize that's willing to sacrifice for the right thing for bringing us this viral bit of advertising. It's a little long for a Super Bowl ad, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a 30-second version this weekend.
Hey, trust me, it's an emergency of epic proportions around here too: woman arrested for dialing 9-1-1 repeatedly after losing her cellphone. Eerily Ellen-like denouement: it was found in her jacket while police were searching her. If my wife looked at me like she looked at her phone...
Nice to see our side has theatrical wackos too. Oh, shut up. Your side got to do crazy crap like that for the past eight years. Our turn now...
US TV news isn't quite as formulaic. Oh, who am I kidding? We just have a different formula on this side of the pond.
Mark gets a no-prize that makes the dolphin noise for bringing us this silly little bit of fluff.
I guess tattoo artists don't have the advantage of that red squiggly line you get in a word processor. Some of Ellen's ink looks mis-spelled, but that's because it's in Latin. How do I know it's spelled correctly then? Well, Mark (who wrote it out) is still breathing, right?
NOTE: This is not one of those "giant loud scream at the end" practical jokes, so no worries there. I especially liked his tiny helper's advice at the end.
Ron gets a gold-plated no-prize for bringing us proof that poor taste knows no color nor national boundary. I think it also just might stand as the signal example of, "if you spend enough money on it, any damned thing can be made to look good." C.f. "Spelling, Tori."
These things just never stop being funny. Well, to me anyway.
Who doesn't like a dress with pom-poms on it!
Three words: Star Wars Disco. 70s Star Wars Disco. 70s, French Star Wars Disco. My brother and I almost wore a hole in a copy of that disco single when it was new. In our defense, I was 9 and he was 7.
Hey, man, scaring the crap out of you as you do your death-defying bungee jump is just what friends are for. I know my friends very well. That's why they'll all be in the next county if I ever try a stunt like this. Kevin and Ron will have to be, I dunno, on Mars or something.
Two words: Cleavage caddie. Like I need another excuse to go rummaging around in there...
Death. Metal. Chicken.
That's about what it sounds like to me, too.
This winter is so cold... [HOW COLD IS IT?!?] ... it's so cold, it renders sea turtles unconscious. Bonus: it's happening in Texas.
By rights, this is a giant trap about to snap into the hottest summer in decades. But I'm not betting money on it.
Nothing like a few really choice TV news bloopers to start your Friday off right. Includes the infamous, "keep f-ing that chicken" clip that Stern kept playing late last year. In that one, the look on the lady on the left's face is priceless.
This website is OLD and RICKETY and a pain in the ass to update.. so you get the SAME story from 2 ppl on this site... FACELIFT needed here!
It turns out George Lucas really does have a sense of humor. I know, I know. It just seems like the very few interviews he seems to give mostly involve him patiently putting up with the reporter. Well, yes, he does that here too, but at least laughs at the end.
Nothing like a bored roommate with access to gay porn to ruin your whole day (SFW). Lemme tell you, one of my family members does that to my electronics, There Would be a Reckoning. And that's only if I got to them first. When Ellen handles things, people just don't show up to work the next day. Or ever.
Fark just announced the winners of its "Best Headlines of 2009", and they really are that special. Yeah, it's a cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo, but it's my cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo. Unlike Face the Nation, at least these chimps are funny. About as useful, too.
Just gotta watch the back-stop, I guess. Mark gets a no-prize that'll he can charge his fellow re-enactors to use for bringing us this great example of "adapt and re-use."
Update: Now with "video that works" goodness!
When A Gramma gets something into her head, it would take nothing short of a crowbar to get it out. The best part is, neither Ellen nor her mother think this lady has much of an accent.
Nothing quite like someone goofing on Garfield. What? Are you kidding? Ok, here's a hint: my wife and Amber give each other framed pictures of their cats for Christmas, and they aren't joking. I never, ever yell at our cats, especially when Ellen's not around. Yep, that's right.
The sad part is, this is only a little exaggerated. One of my favorites: "On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns."
And now, a guy with a blowtorch in his ass. Hey, folks, we know you come here for high brow discussions and fine culture, and we aim to please! Stay classy, AMCG!
I'm sorry, there's just something about a redneck fisherman messing up that never stops being funny. Probably has something to do with his being from Tennessee.
And now, a platinum and diamond vibrator. Yeah, can't see that one heading our way for Christmas any time soon. Seems to me it'd be likely to chafe.
Via, of all places, Instapundit.
Let the Tiger Woods parodies...begin!!! Video is naughty but contains no nudity and, wtf, it's Friday afternoon. Knock yourself out!
First Saturday Night Live, now The Daily Show. The trouble with being funny while making a point is the point sticks a lot better. Well, I guess it's only trouble if the point is toward you.
One thing you can always count on the Democrats for is eating their own children. It took me reading it in three places to realize this really is Code Pink going after the sitting president.
I can remember when there were only 2 other wireless networks detectable in our neighborhood. Recently I had reason to do another scan and there must've been 20. None had names as memorable as this. That sound you hear is Ron furiously scribbling ideas for his, once he gets it.
Idea: Compare how men who watch porn compare with those who don't. Problem: Finding someone, anyone, who can make up the latter group. Sometimes even when the experiment fails to get off the ground it can still tell you something.
Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll have to protect from the monks when they come boiling out of Hagia Irene tonight* for bringing us this oh-so-subtle bit of symbolism during a recent Obama press conference. It can't possibly be an accident. I'm just amazed the editor had the balls to run the picture anyway.
Oh, go look it up yourself this time.
While I was never (often) like this, I can think of several dozen guys who were. When they were done messing up text games they'd usually head over to the chat rooms.
You know, chat rooms? They were like IM, but with more nerds and creeps.
Latest "best of" Fark headline: Rockville Police shoot Jesus. Awwwwwkwaaaaaard. Actual story, with "no, that really is the headline" goodness is here.
Update: Comment bonus:
What do you call a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A guy who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Also: What is the the difference between apathy and agnosticism?
I don't know, and I don't care.
I always knew the Twilight saga could be summed up in a single sentence, I just didn't know it'd be this funny. Then again, this is Hollywood. I'm pretty sure simple is required, if only to help the executives.
Nothing like a bit of humor to really skewer a sacred cow. Cue the shrieking watermelon response!
See, I'm such a terrible Star Wars nerd it actually bothers me that some of these updates aren't really possible. You know, in a plot-consistent sort of way.
Oh, no, thanks but Ellen gives me a, "needs to get out more" sign at least once a week.
... it's not stupid. Alternatively: "I care not what color the cat is, as long as it catches mice." That said, it still looks like something Olivia would bring home after school
Go for the excellent extended parody. Stay for the huffy, "yes, but Bush..." comments. Eventually these people will have to move on, but I'm not holding my breath.
The only minority less likely to die in a haunted house than black people are gamers. Because it'd take us three days of testing and spell casting before we'd set foot in the yard. F'ing ghosts would throw rocks at us to make us go away.
Ah, I get it now. I get it. Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, that Beck guy I've never actually seen but sure seems to get the left side of the peanut gallery riled up, I now see the truth about those horrible, evil people! Now I understand why everyone on that side takes the sports caster with the thick glasses so damned seriously.
Well, then again...
Squirrels, having trouble climbing down trees, evolved more flexible ankles. Cats, having trouble climbing down trees, evolved humans with pulleys. Via a Fark note to this article.
I'm sure there's a bridezilla in your life you'd wish this on. There's definitely NOT one in ours. My story, sticking to it.
The first part of this sounds like Ellen's pre-child apartment. The rest sounds like various cousins and other relations. But not me. I wasn't cool enough for an apartment. But man, we tore up that dorm room! [Geeky snort!]
Go for the report about a cop who called 9-1-1 because he thought he was OD'ing on pot brownies. Stay for the anchor desk that won't stop giggling. I know, I know, stoners aren't funny. But these are.
Roundabouts are supposed to slow drivers down. Frequent readers will note the use of the word "supposed". Hopefully nobody got hurt.
I guess it's just as well I never saw the aerobics dance championship when it first aired. Not that, you know, anything's wrong with that.
And now, men with mustaches. One of them is traditional, two of them don't look ridiculous. The rest? Well, you'll have to see for yourself.
Just in time for the sequel to premiere, we have proof SNL can still sometimes be relevant. And that Taylor Swift is at least as good an actress as what's-'er-name. But since he's not, you know, sparkly, I don't think Amber will be as interested in this one.
When I was in high school, this sort of thing would've passed nearly unnoticed. Google maps. Is there anything it can't make better?
Once again, I get to make a Foxworthy joke about my yankee and emphatically not redneck wife. To wit: "If you can recognize a wrestler, and identify the wrestlemania he starred in, just by the theme song they play...
Me, I called it, "giant costumed white guy chases around skinny well dressed black guy."
And yes, children, at one time that sort of flat top was thought to be cool.
We all know them. now they have a name. And they're taking it back! Bah. I'm not even that cool.
I have found college friend Kevin's long-lost brother, driving a forklift in a warehouse somewhere in Russia. Meh. Coulda been worse. Coulda been beer.
I think the ultimate point is that, even after spending millions of dollars on fancy things like pretty people, clever writers, and glossy special effects, network TV still can't do better than a weirdo with one camera. And to think at one point network TV was all there was.
I don't know which was better, the flow chart on how women shop for shoes, or the fact that Ellen read through the first one and didn't even bother to scroll down to read the second. "I know what it says... 'I need a pair of shoes, I go buy a pair of shoes.'"
So close it's scary.
Wtf? these shake weight things are getting out of control. Then again, considering all the free publicity the inventor is getting, he's probably embarassed all the way to the bank. Free enterprise, FTW!
So now, let us all pause to remember the Yugo, a car so basic it literally gave new meaning to the phrase, "basic transportation. When the best you can do is promote your car's wiring being wrapped in plastic, well son, you've got some problems we need to discuss.
Mark gets a well-toned no-prize for bringing us the ultimate in women's workout accessories. Video is very SFW. Audio is mildly blue, but very, very funny.
UPDATE: Ellen looked over and said, "Dude, that's a real product. Do another Google search." You know what, she was right. The real video is actually funnier than the parody.
Now, to write down that 800 number...
Still, the look on this kid's face is pretty darned funny. I guess it's true... women have a soap for every damned thing.
All this time, I thought it was basketball players who, well, played up the drama in the hopes of drawing a foul. Turns out they got nothing on soccer players. Of course, soccer's always struck me as basketball writ-large, so maybe it's no coincidence?
All the high performance in the world won't get you past the basic physics of traffic. My luck, I'd be the last one on that ramp, in the Spider.
Joshua and Bobby and Ron and Mark and Rick and... oh hell, you get it, I have found your costume. Except for Kevin. Because he doesn't need another excuse to wander into traffic...
Old & busted: No spanking your children. New hotness: No yelling at your children. Coming soon: Why does mommy have a drinking problem?
Ok, the article's not that funny, but it's a rare headline indeed that makes me literally laugh out loud.
Us? Well, let's just say I'm glad that time-outs and "groundings" have so far been all we need. Did I mention how I'm so not looking forward to 13?
What would Scott do?
Thanks to Mark for the funny!
Today's goofing on a kid's name comes from Livingston Parish, LA.
Bobbing along at a depth of 754 feet, it is unlikely these balls of Loch Ness will ever see the light of day again.
Oh come on now... we all know those are the eggs of Nessie.
Conspiracy I tell ya!
First a Nobel prize for general awsomeness, now golf is an Olympic sport. That's it. I'm done. Stop the world, I want to get off!
Englishmen really need to glom onto the fact that sometimes being cute and clever has its limits. I distinctly remember Ellen locking the doors and asking me to drive faster when we got to Fifty-Six, Arkansas*. I, being well aware of what tiny Southern towns can be like, instead drove 2 mph UNDER the speed limit, as quickly as I could.
The thing is, there are places in Wales, Scotland, and Cornwall that'd be just about as hostile. I doubt they'd even last half as long in Australia. In other words, it ain't just us.
* Population: 71
I've seen both my parents do at least two of these things at least once. Me? Well, if I'm not in the kitchen to get a beer then I might as well not be in the kitchen.
I wonder what happened next?
How not to catch the swine flu.
I link this not because it's unknown... it's been around awhile. I link it because, and I am not making this up, ten years ago this is exactly what Ellen would've done, except she would've done it when the snake came out, not when the lizard jumped. People who've read this site for only a few years will say, "wha???"
Yes, folks. Ten years ago I married a woman who pretty much defined, "deathly afraid of snakes." Now I have a wife who owns two, only because I won't let her own five. Chicks are, as they say, weird.
Nothing like being surrounded by human-scale items for putting a very large, very dangerous, and very free polar bear into perspective. There's big, and then there's polar bear big. And a big thumbs-down to the Fark thread, which didn't produce a single steal-able lol from this remarkable picture.
Those who haven't glommed onto Top Gear because "It's a Car Show" will do well to review the same guy's take on hot sauce. Well, "nuclear land fill oh please I'm more afraid if I don't die" American hot sauce, that is. The show is actually funnier, because there are three of them and they play off each other.
Ya know, there's a reason they make you wear a 4-point harness on a race track. Especially at Laguna, where (as I've been told) you end up pulling appreciable negative G, due to the elevation changes at the corkscrew. I only ever drove it in a video game, and that was challenging enough.
Hey, checkit... trim that'll fit the Milano *AND* the Spider! I always wondered where those ghetto boiz got their bling. Little surprise it's about as generic as the innocent, unsuspecting Japanese sedans they inflict it on.
Being famous means you get away with outrageous crap. It also means people get to talk about it, and potentially make up even more outrageous crap. Dang. I got tricked into caring about what celebrities do again!
The thing is, Ellen has no problem with the idea of chasing tornadoes. You know, big, disastrous, destructive things that quite patently exist, get caught on video all the time, and kill those unfortunate enough to be in their path. However, she will not even entertain the idea of spending the night in an old, broken down house who's worst threat is a nasty rat or a big spider. So, guess which thing will really scare her?
No such thing as ghosts!
For my friends on the opposite side of the aisle, there's this typically-reasoned guide to keeping us conservatives from being, well, so darned angry about everything:
Conservatives are very angry these days. I haven’t seen conservatives this angry since the last time a Democrat was president. So the anger is probably because the president is black. While that might not seem so bad, conservative anger could lead to something disastrous: their mobilizing to vote against Democrats.
It's funny because all of this really is how you guys are coming off now that you've got all the reins. Oh I know, I know, my side wasn't any better. Then again, it wasn't my side that got all starry-eyed when "hope and change" was mentioned, eh?
Ok, maybe it's a little like this. Ok, actually, probably it's a lot like this. Ellen and Amber both liked to make fun of how nerdy their husbands were back in the day. The look on their faces when they were reminded they voluntarily married said dorks was sweet indeed.
Ever wonder how those translators manage to hang on through hours and hours of translating a bloviating blowhard at the UN? Well, turns out, they don't. I guess after awhile even the absurdity of it all wears thin.
Mark gets a no-prize that hangs on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society for bringing us an example of the only way I'd end up in a May Day parade. I like the guy who starts marching backward the best.
Like the old video store rental records with an arms-length list of the porn you rent, a record of what people actually search for reveals us for what we are, not what we tell people we want to be.
File this one under nice work, if you can get it: helping a video starlet adjust her outfit on the latest shoot. No, really, things were just out of place! Oh, don't worry, completely SFW.
Before Match.com, before chat rooms, before the internet itself, there was video dating. And it was good. Well, good, in a "really ridiculous hair styles and ugly sweaters" sort of way. Is it just me, or does the viking come off as the most sincere?
Oh noes! The end of the world is... today!!! Well, there goes the rest of my week...
Bobby gets a no-prize with way too much time on its hands for bringing us the 1000 & 2nd use for one of those 3D printer things. Why people waste their time with goofy Star Wars memorabilia when they could be doing something useful like reproducing parts for obscure old Italian sedans I never will understand...
Mark gets a magnificently tacky no-prize for bringing us the people of Wal-Mart. Finally a real use for a cell-phone camera! All this time I thought the selection of weirdos at the local Shoppers was colorful. I had no idea.
What? Doesn't everyone want to stick a naked infant in a net and hang it out the window? Just because they make a nifty picture does not mean they make life easier.
I guess "inappropriate" is in the eye of the beholder. Are some of these toys weird? Yes. Are they tacky? Yes. Are they from cultures different from ours? Yes. When I was a kid, parents got lists of toys that would kill you. Good times, good times...
Turns out that, no matter how glamorous an adult may be, when they're teenagers, they're just as dorky as you and me. Well, except for Ryan Seacrest, who was downright unrecognizable.
Ok, it took me a little bit to get it, but I'm sure you'll figure it out a lot faster.
19 ways of being creative with handwritten signs.
Four words: Animals with Light sabers. Ellen will be deeply disappointed there aren't any parrots. But there are cats aplenty!
Jeff gets a no-prize that belong to us for bringing us the "story" behind the latest custom Google logo. Alternate title: when numerology attacks!
Quick, before they correct it, check out the plot summary. It would've been a much better movie if they'd made it that way.
Meh. It's your body, do what you want with it. I just reserve the right to laugh at the results. No nekkid people in the pictures, but a few of the tattoos are not something you'd want someone to see over your shoulder at work. But hey, it's Sunday, knock yourself out!
For a long time caffeinated drinks didn't do much for me. Then a few years ago something in my body chemistry changed and they started doing a LOT for me. Then the ol' bod changed again and I started to get frightening, but turns out otherwise harmless, heart palpitations. So I'll just have to admire this guy's experiment from afar. I seem to recall college friend Bobby tried things like this for the f- of it back in the day. Nowadays, maybe not so much.
This one's for NASA-employed friend Kevin: "India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in"
P. J. O'Rourke: "Oh, [America is] a crazy tree. And the taller it grows, the crazier it gets. And I roost upon the tip-top branch. Ye of the Washington Post, Don't park your SmartCar under my perch." I'm sitting on a branch nearby, and I've been eating prunes.
Finally, a consumer's union that reviews things we need to find out about. You know, like how good various kinds of cheap booze are. I'm way too old for that sort of foolishness nowadays. Come to think of it, I was way too old back in the day. Some of my old college buddies, maybe not so much.
I think I can honestly say I had this conversation with just about all my college buddies at one time or another. That, and just what it was that made a thermal detonator, well, tick. Oh don't worry, we all eventually got lives. Of a sort.
"AMCG," we hear you ask, "that wonderful preacher with the tent came by my town and ensured I was ready for The Rapture. My soul is clean with minty freshness, and his ability to guide us through judgment is ensured by my large donation. We've known Fluffy the Cat was going to hell since she crapped in my new shoes. But what about Skipper? He's such a sweet dog!"
Fear not, friendly fundie, AMCG is here to help! Presenting Eternal Earthbound Pets, a service which promises to, for a modest fee, provide an atheist to care for your pet once you have been taken up to your ultimate reward. Act now! The spelled-in-reverse bone-gnawing deity you save could be your own!
The new Beloit College Mindset List, which details things incoming freshmen have "never" and "always" known, has been revised again. #64 took me a few seconds to get my head around, since I've bought a CD in a cardboard case in the past year. Then I remembered what they really once were like.
Leave it to the Germans to combine fitness with its opposite. If any of us who regularly do a group ride on the weekend had one of these, I think it'd be a whole lot easier to get extra people to come out, eh?
"Ric Romero here, reporting live from Britain. Scientists have detected a link between UFO sightings and UFO depictions in the popular media." What I think is interesting is how similar stories of mysterious flying objects were reported in the 19th century, except there the craft were depicted as giant boat-like machines attached to balloons. There's definitely something going on, but I think it has more to do with the space between our ears than it does the space above our heads.
“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” -- Calvin.
And now, a woman dancing with a stripper pole mounted on a rickshaw being pedaled through Manhattan. I got yer cash cab right here. Link is SFW.
Normally Cracked's various lists are, to me anyway, a little lame, but this "5 creepiest sex scenes in comics" was fun anyway, because I remember reading the issue which held their #2 (as it were) entry. I don't recall being disturbed by it, I just thought it was kinda weird. Being, as I recall, 13, I was much more interested in the improbable proportions of the tightly costumed super-ladies. The stories were just excuses to get them to move around.
Dude. I was 13, in a small Arkansas town, before internet pr0n. Of course I was desperate!
Speaking of delusions of grandeur:
1972 Alfa Romeo Spider, in fair shape [...] runs great and with this engine the top end is over 200 mph!
The mind boggles...
Fun with kazoos!
There's camping, and then there's camping. Driving tourism dollars to a small North West town is all well and good, but did it have to involve sparkly vampires?!?
Well, maybe not attack, but certainly march. Annie gets a no-prize that's entertaining but no threat to DCI for bringing us proof that even the lady who shushes you has a sense of humor.
He... He... he sees white people!!!
I'm not completely sure what the point is, other than it's funny. And it'll likely offend a few of the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery. If it does, my work will be complete.
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.
Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."
Knight turned the machine off and on.
The machine worked.
Maybe Ellen will get it this time...
Two words: dissolving bikini. Of course, this is predicated on someone who SHOULD wear a bikini, instead of someone who WANTS to wear one. The former is, after all, only a subset of the latter.
Both of The Grammas are sighing and shaking their heads.
Bonus: a demonstration of a record changer!
Next up, Women with flower pots on their heads. No, really! Don't worry, all will be made right just two picture-clicks to the, well, right.
Oink Oink Oink.
Having driven around our nation's capital many times, I can think of no other, better, place for our current boogey-man to reside. I guess he road-trips down to Bailey's when he needs to go to Home Depot, eh?
As noted on Fark, some articles just can't be improved. You'd think someone would've explained it to them before they went to press. Either that or there's a headline writer in a lot of trouble this morning.
All right, who let Beavis and Butthead play around with the molecular chemistry gear? Or is this absolute proof God exists, and has a sense of humor? Perhaps God is Beavis and Butthead? The mind boggles...
Today's, "vehicle goes swimming incident" is brought to you by Aloha (no, really) Oregon. One look at the truck makes me think they'll need to drain the water twice to get that pool clean.
What happens when you combine Hawaii-sized surf with New Jersey-skilled surfers? Well, you get this. Wide World of Sports, they ain't.
Oh, I know, I know, he'll lose 90% of you the second he says anything nice about Bush. But it takes about 40% of the program before that happens, and in the meantime you can thrill, as did I, to someone quite calmly saying in public that Obama is full of crap. I mean, really, it has been so very long since I've seen anything remotely critical of our current president it literally took my breath away to see it on what looks just enough like a TV to count.
Why, thank you for this sign. But you see, I'm afraid you've made a mistake, my name isn't, "Mr. N. Eeds Togetoutmore." Not even close.
Leave it to Fark to dredge up what Ebony magazine thought, in 1985, what Micheal Jackson would look like in 2000. The headline used there was quite appropriate: "1985 Ebony Magazine prediction of what Michael Jackson would look like in the year 2000. Billy Dee Williams stands up in protest and kills a Colt 45".
I swear. I swear. The very first thing I noticed about this particular ad was the Spider in the garage. My story. Sticking to it.
And that garage? Oh, that garage...
Personally, I think the twitter posts were the best.
The British are famous for their love of the garden variety eccentric. The Germans, being who they are, won't be happy unless their eccentrics are doing something complicated, with a lot of engineering involved. With pictures!
Guess what the second choice you get on a Google search for, "tell me something silly" is.
Because my brain is smoking from implementing my very first honest-to-god state machine, and this particular system has 22 different states. And counting. That's why.
Sure it's a one-gag joke, but it's a funny one gag joke. Especially if you're one of our friends, to whom a wookie tag has been stuck firmly.
So, since there are no nearby Waffle House restaurants (Waffle Houses?), I guess we won't get our fair share of weirdness? Meh. This is N. Virginia. You know, the place where you can have a North, South, East, and West version of a street all meeting at a corner? We got our weirdness built-in.
Just when you thought you'd seen it all, now they've discovered Michael Jackson's face in a branch stump. As in "sawed a branch off the tree" stump. I do hereby proclaim that media's period of
exploiting mourning the King of Pop to be over. Either that, or it's all jumped the shark. Probably both.
Mark gets an accessorized no-prize for bringing us this ultimate demonstration of coolness.
The concept is almost certainly Japanese, but the execution? The execution is almost certainly European. NSFW! Want to see my wife's reaction? Fast forward to the 48 second mark.
Cute chick trying to be polite: check.
Self-same chick doing their level best to P-R-O-V-I-D-E the answer: check
Watching someone who desperately wants to make fun of the idiot and can't quite stop themselves: Check
Really, this is what Ellen deals with on a daily basis.
J. Pena gets a union-endorsed no-prize for bringing us this literal "shape of things to come."
Actually, I'll be surprised if cars are even this much fun after the greens and the progressives that infest the current Congress are through with them. Meh, what do I care? The newest car I own is nearly ten years old.
Not a single Alfa in the bunch!
You say Alfa didn't import enough to even register on the meter?
I really did not believe this site exist, but it does!
Hello bitches. Welcome to reality. Real moms get frustrated and say things that they regret. Real moms often have no time to shower, rarely get to take a dump alone and need other real moms to lean on. No judgement here, just over the top stories, rants and good drink ideas.Just awesome... LOL!
Moms who drink and swear is about reality. There are days when I see some mom all dolled up in the grocery store and I just want to ask her how the hell she pulls it off. I'm usually in my pajamas dragging my whining kids along, yelling , "I SAID NO ! "over and over. I have survived motherhood for the past nine years by leaning on the real moms who convinced me that having a kid (or two) was a good idea. You were right!
This is not a site for the humorless or serious type mom.
Neither one of us has any idea what, exactly, to make of this.
Except that, you know, he's a bad dog, and stuff...
Lisa R. gets the coveted Jeff Spicoli no-prize for bringing us news of a rather surprising discovery about who, exactly, is making crop circles "down undah." Beats eating Vegemite!
I'd already decided to wait for the next Transformers movie to come out on video just because it's polling 25% on Rotten. This Transformers "FAQ" just seals the deal. Oh, and Ellen had been calling them "the racist twins" for weeks.
Yeah, it's dumb, but it's the very first not-quite-official-maybe advertisement for US Alfa Romeos! And the car's pretty neat looking too!
Jeff Goldblum, as you all will by now know, is dead. How can I be so sure? Just ask him!
The best part is all the footage from Today New Zealand.
Presenting There, I Fixed It, a one-stop-shop for every ad-hoc fix ever imagined. Some are ingenious, most are tacky, and a few are downright terrifying. Suddenly that bailing wire fix we temporarily implemented on the Milano, well, it don't look so bad.
Mean-spirited? Simplistic? Nasty? Moi?!?
Thing is, I absolutely remember this jingle, and I think I remember this ad. Gotta love those hats!
And I only wish I could've seen this one. Just because, you know, we don't have Carl's Jr.'s around here, eh?
It would seem getting a big boat in the water is a lot harder than it looks. Failing to do it right would seem to have much worse consequences as well.
I have no real idea what to make of this, other than it took me getting about half way down the list to realize it the author was a dude and not a chick. No pictures of dudes anywhere, seems like an honest mistake. Made it less interesting, but only a little. I never did subscribe to the shotgun method of dating.
I recognize a few of the other bits on the site, so this is all probably old news to everyone else. Still, since I'd never heard of it before nobody really important had ever heard of it, so there ya go.
I'm not sure which is sillier, the fact that the skinny white guy went to the ghetto to find his phone, or the fact that he treats his phone like a pet. Ellen doesn't treat hers like a pet. When she lost her phone, what I saw looked more like a junkie who just realized their best dealer had gone to jail forever. It was about as pretty as you'd expect that to be.
You know it's just not possible for us to ignore a site called "wiggaz.com". Making fun of media-manufactured sub-culture that's unintentionally making fun of itself and another media manufactured sub-culture? Oh hell yes!
Ya know, I think there may be something to this. Ron making a comment about how superior his poofta drinks are in 3... 2... 1...
Sometimes there's just no improving on the lede:
A man was arrested near Victoria, B.C., after police found him unconscious in the driver's seat of a car with a naked woman unconscious in the passenger seat.
But wait! There's more!
Saanich police Sgt. John Price said officers found marijuana, heroin, crystal meth and GHB inside the car.
This is just so classic:
First the radio getting swiped now this. So I started it up yesterday and was letting it warm a bit before driving out of my garage and I absent-mindedly pushed in the lighter. What happened defied all logic and belief! All the idiot lights lit up momentarily, I think a warning chime sounded, the voltage gauge dropped to zero and the car shut right off, dead, no more idiot lights. I've checked every single fuse and relay and they all seem fine. The interior lights still work, headlights work, you turn the key and no idiot lights light up and it will crank but not fire...
I can't help but think a ground has gotten bodged up by the theft of his stereo, but that's just a guess. Sometimes having a simple car with a cheap radio is a good thing!
No Prize to Christine for the link!
I've been to each and every one of the locations of this video. I drive by most of them pretty much every day. They didn't quite catch my workplace in one scene, but they came close
It's even worse when she loses her phone. The shaking is what scares me the most.
Oh who cares... if they want to have a whole day dedicated to dressing up like aliens, let 'em. I just wish some of them would do a better job with the makeup.
I'll bet your favorite car doesn't have trashy Eastern European dancers flouncing all over it! It's always a good sign when the dancer's eyes have that thousand-yard stare. The sad thing is there are a lot of guys out there who wouldn't care.
You know, like me.
Oink oink oink...
I can hear it now, Dammit all I went through four years to get a journalism degree and fought my ass to a local station doing remote I'll be damned if some sprinkler system's going to stop me!!!.
Personally, I find the question about the smoking vagina the most intriguing. I'm not completely sure why.
Ron gets a no-prize that'll make an engraver's day for bringing us this collection of married names that really shouldn't be hyphenated. Some of them are so incredible I have a hard time taking them seriously. Then again, a rose by any other name...
That hangover may only last a day, but those pictures? Those pictures will last forever. The sad thing is that shots from the 80s now qualify as quaint and funny.
There are no words for how awesome this is. When my daughter asks me what it was really like to grow up in the 80s, I'll just show her this. Then she'll really be confused.
Get it while you can: Top Gear's Alfa Romeo Challenge is once again available.
Amazing race action!
Expert restoration artists bring these cars to a whole new level of character!
A kaopectate-green Milano compete in a concours with a Spider who's water pump consists of a barrel of water and a hand crank!
RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO YOUR NEAREST YOUTUBE-CAPABLE COMPUTER!
The manuscript is for-real. Me, I think it's a concrete example of a time traveler's artifact, aging in reverse.
Why I haven't thought to do this to Ellen, I don't know. Oh yeah, wait, I do know. Because I like breathing.
However, there was the time Ellen was downstairs
breaking using my computer because she'd broken hers. Friend Mark had sent her one of those "shrieking surprise" e-mails with the note "be sure to turn it up and listen closely, it's really hard to hear the ghost in the background." Which she did, on my 600 watt 5.1 Klipsch speaker rig.
So imagine me sitting quietly upstairs, reading a magazine. Suddenly, all the furniture bounces 2" into the air, and the tail-end of a scream can be heard in the background. Surprisingly, Mark is still above ground. I, on the other hand, was in deep trouble because I should've known she was going to turn the volume up on that @#$%'ing lunatic speaker set of mine and how in the world does a normal person end up with something that can play sounds that loud and...
Ah, the bliss of married life.
Those who claim Californians don't have a lick of sense have just been proven slightly wrong:
On May 21, a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" because she believed "crunchberries" were real fruit. The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit. She sued, on behalf of herself and all similarly situated consumers who also apparently believed that there are fields somewhere in our land thronged by crunchberry bushes.
This sudden outbreak of common sense simply cannot last. Quick! Someone call the Octo-Mom!
I'm not sure what's funnier: the college kid getting bulls-eyed with a pan handle, the way his female colleague reacts, or the oh-so-serious caption text on the right. Regardless, there's plenty of chuckles to go around. If only there'd been sound. Explain this one to the OSHA guy.
... and sometimes, just sometimes, the world may start dancing with you.
I'm rapidly reaching the age at which I could care less what the rest of the world thinks I look or act like. I'm not sure I'm this far gone yet. Probably take Olivia becoming a teenager before that happens.
... a pet would find Ellen. Happens more than you think. I never will forget how, on our honeymoon, an entire resort's worth of stray cats found their way over to where she was sitting. And that was before they figured out she was their buffet waitress for the rest of the week.
Az recently had a bit of a surreal encounter:
So I tell my wife that IKKO just totally checked me out...and her response is unexpected to say the least. Somehow, this elates her. She immediately jumps on her cell phone to start informing her friends and family that her husband just caught IKKO's eye. ...And as an aside, how would you even react to that? You're sitting at home watching TV, and you get a text from your friend - "Hey, this famous cross-dresser just checked out my husband!" ...Um...OK? Would you care for a delicious Hot Pocket?
No, I didn't know who Ikko was either. Even after I watched the video I still don't know.
Making the rounds: It just ain't easy, being a humorless homophobe in Hollywood. They wanted a reaction, and they definitely got one. Meh, I don't feel too bad for him, considering he probably drove to his Malibu home in his Lamborghini.
There's a reason some bicyclists are fascinated with gear...
Cracked, in its own inimitable way, is featuring this look at "7 WTF Military weapons". Being an armchair student of all things various armies have attempted over, well, all of detectable history I suppose, I'm not at all surprised things like this got built. I'm actually rather surprised that any of them survived.
No, really, when gypsies attack:
A group of travellers wrecked a multi-million pound police helicopter which was being used to spy on their site.
The gang used axes to smash the £5million aircraft, after they leapt over a 4ft wall surrounding Surrey Police force’s helipad at Fairoaks airport, near Woking in Surrey.
Mickey O'Neil unavailable for comment...
Me, I always thought the whole point of stilted family photographs was to make people look silly. That, and provide a straightforward gift for the relatives. People change, fashions change, why not chronicle it?
Funny because nobody got hurt: big rocket turns into giant lawn dart. If one of your hobbies is not actively dangerous, you're not a Real Guy.
So, can you pick the perp? Best I could do was exactly 1 in a row, and I gave up after about ten tries. Then again, I'm not known as the most perceptive person in the world. I'm sure you'll do better!
Mark gets a novelty no-prize for bringing us the perfect gift for the breakfast- and gun-lover in your life. Only problem I see is that it appears to be made out of hard metal, which is a big no-no when dealing with no-stick surfaces.
Hey... I'm only disappointed if it's accessible. I have a hard enough time with comprehension as it is.
Another day, another UK couple having a novelty wedding. Don't laugh, Suzanne. If Richie ever gets married you may end up wearing danishes on your head, too.
I kid! I kid!
Osprey: 1, Power company: 0. There's cooked fish, and then there's cooked fish.
I know there's a "Knights who say 'Nee!'" joke in there somewhere, I just couldn't tease it out.
Ok, that tears it. Top Gear has got it all over Motorweek Illustrated. Will this be what causes us to modernize our TV cable package? We'll see...
Another day, another REMF in a new presidential administration learns the hard way that there are important differences between themselves and king's ministers. "Because I say so, and keep it quiet" always bites them on the rear, eventually, even in an administration as popular as this one.
Bureaucracies being what they are, it's doubtful we'll ever know who was directly responsible for this mini-debacle.
99% of the time, Fark headlines are amusing fluff, of no concern or memory. But sometimes, they're different: Obama secretly tested for swine flu after man he shook hands with in Mexico drops dead the next day. Officials concerned because Obama's touch usually heals.
To nobody's surprise, it was instantly scored as "Fascist" on their rate-o-meter.
I have absolutely no idea what to make of this...
This just in: Ferraris are faster than police cruisers. Later tonight, water's wetness: a natural fact, or a danger to our children's lives? After that, we'll explore the discovery of the sky being blue, and how it may threaten your family, your mortgage, even your entire way of life!
I knew Google's maps could be useful, but I had no idea it'd be this useful.
Oink Oink Oink...
Well, why not dress up as Shrek and Fiona for your wedding? Their parents must be much more liberal-minded than ours are about such things.
3... 2... 1...
Mark gets a candy bar no-prize for bringing us news that you too can be a trillionaire. Or, perhaps, you could. It would seem Zimbabwe has fiddled with its currency again, making trillion dollar notes worth about $10. At the rate their socialist paradise is going, that should delay the next trillion dollar issue for, what, six months or so?
Coming to an Obama administration near you!
There's nothing quite like politically-correct leftism for bringing out the satire in someone. I especially liked this one: STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
I'm not sure what's more fun, this (IMO) well-done art car based on an old Camaro, or the sniveling "you know, that won't work as an armored car because..." replies about it on Fark. All together now... NERDS!!!
You'd think someone would notice that when a certain dress fell a certain way, well, it implied a certain thing. Yet another thing to put on my "stuff that will give dad gray hair" list.
Well, if nothing else, this retrospective on "then and now" metal bands of the 80s shows that women aren't the only ones who get a nip and tuck now and then. They have better surgeons than the chicks do!
While bacon in a bottle sounds like a good idea, the photos don't look all that appetizing. Then again, neither does 90% of the other stuff out there that people insist is good even though it looks like 3 day-old roadkill. At least this stuff won't move on my plate or poison me.
Only men do this.Well, ugly chicks too.
It's a surprise. You have to click the link.
Sad thing is that some of you will think it's cool.
Be afraid. Be... slightly... afraid:
Eileen Bishop, , from Perranporth [UK], and her husband Anthony were on their way to church when, he said, she "disappeared off the radar".
Think of it as the OJ chase, but much slower.
There's toys, and then there's 80s toys. No that there's anything wrong with "The Oozinator."
Mark gets a no-prize that'll lead him wrong for bringing us yet another story of a person following GPS to their not-quite doom. Now, there have been a few times that on-line directions have lead me astray, but that tended to be more "wrong place in town" than "wrong place on frozen tundra." You'd think that, after the turn down the dirt road, the lady would've figured something was wrong.
There's washing an expensive car, and then there's washing an expensive car.
The advantage to owning a car like the spider is it would just need to be hung out to dry for a few days, get all the fluids changed, new seats, and a new battery. It'd probably start right up after that. The advantages of vinyl upholstery!
Driving either of the other cars into a river? Nope, that's a totaling. A super-expensive brand-new Bently? Fuggedaboutit...
... bringin' a speedboat to a milspec fight:
Seven Somali pirates chose the wrong target the other day: it was not the harmless oil-tanker they thought it was but the German navy's fuel tanker FGS Spessart, part of the European anti-piracy fleet Eunavfor sailing in the Gulf of Aden about 85 miles north of the Somali port of Bosaso.
This would seem to indicate that sting-like operations, where various tramp steamers are in fact stuffed with heavily armed soldiers, would be productive.
You know, now that you mention it, I don't recall seeing Ron or Amber lately. Didn't they go hiking in Florida last week?
What happens when you give a bunch of nerdy engineers access to powerful electrical equipment? Oh, pretty much what you'd expect:
As with most of their type, it takes forever for them to get to the point, but the result was enough to make me smile.
So, is it a dairy barn, or a car wash? "Cow wash" seems more appropriate. When staying clean and happy are a key to production, modern farming can be quite humane indeed.
Even the worst Italian town is prettier than anywhere in Germany. Take a stroll through somewhere nice, like Cremona, and you'll be greeted by fine wine, God's own architecture, and beautiful women who shave their armpits. You'll probably crash your car and the hotel's air-con won't work, but you'll love every minute.
Is there anything about that place that isn't beautiful, fun, and broken for stretches at a time?
Welcome to the world of little-girl raising. Olivia gets just as mad when we laugh at inappropriate moments.
All our fish are too big for the porcelain funeral procession... they end up out in the garden with all the other dead critters.
Nothing like a ridiculous car mod or two to brighten your morning, eh? Ron's characteristic "ahhuuah?" expression in 3... 2... 1...
For what better purpose can a website be used, I must ask, than posting pictures of pets in wigs? Hey, can't be any worse than 90% of Facebook!
Ron gets a no-prize with some really... remarkable... welds for bringing us this collection of DIY car modifications. I do have one slight quibble, to wit: several of these cars are pretty obviously pure race vehicles of one sort or another, so placing things in ugly or weird spots is actually to be expected. That still doesn't forgive placing two turbochargers just below the rear seat upholstery.
New invention: Ink that changes color with temperature.
US reaction: Let's use it on beer labels so guys can see when it's cold.
Australian reaction: Let's use it on beer labels so guys can see a naked chick.
Aussie Aussie OI OI OI!
Nothing like a 2 foot-tall cow to brighten your day.
Ok, everyone all together now... no, Ellen, you can't have one.
Mark gets a tacky no-prize for bringing us this "newly discovered" footage of the octo-mom giving birth. That doctor has a pretty mean swing, I tell ya...
I guess this slide-show of "highlights" of Google's Street View provide even more proof for the axiom: "If you take enough pictures, you'll eventually catch the strangest behavior." I wonder how much they pay the people to image places like South Central LA?
That would be Birds: 12, Beach-Goers: 0. I'm as impressed with the photographer as I am with the birds. Then again, if it happens often enough, anything is easy to catch on film.
What better way to rehabilitate your industry than to have a "Miss Nuclear Reactor" contest? Did I mention the industry was the one that runs Russia's nuclear plants? Well, there, I did.
You have to zoom in a bit, but this pencil cartoon of a "simple history of WWII" made me giggle. Then again, I am easily amused.
Ok, that whole "faked shock" look? Yeah, wearing real thin nowadays.
Ok, it's not the breaking into the bar, or stealing the booze, that puzzles me. It's the getting naked part that's just a wee strange.
Lisa R. gets a no-prize that really should stay covered up for bringing us yet another entertaining example of proof that the US has no corner on eccentric criminals.
Really, honey, I was just trying to take pictures of the cars! They even ruined the picture of the Alfa!
The trick, of course, would be sticking to that story in the face of a small angry Italian wielding a large, heavy frying pan. Teflon here I come!
Never... NEVER let it be said I do not have a sense of humor about my automotive obsession. If I did not have the ability to laugh at the cross-and-serpent's foibles and flaws, I ask you, would I have found the Top Gear Alfa Romeo Challenge such a scream?
The premise? Take a marque absolutely notorious for rewarding a kind, attentive hand both at the tiller and at the wrench, and pick three off the bottom of the heap. It gets better! Put these three rickety basket cases in the charge of a trio of bumper-car rejects. The result? Well, dear reader, the result was enough to quite handily separate those Alfisti who love their cars warts and all, and those who had rose-colored glasses tightly riveted to their temples. I'm surprised the three principles didn't require bodyguards at the end.
Still, their affection for the marque, especially Jeremy's, can't be hidden. And, really, the only cars you could get away with mistreating this way simply aren't as much fun to drive.
So, kick back, relax, and watch three yobs attempt to "prove" that Alfas that've never seen a kind pat on the hood in their life can still be absolutely thrilling to drive.
And you know what? They do.
And the Milano won!
An oldie, but a goodie:
"Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and its all organised by the Italians"
I actually thought this guy was lip-synching Weird Al, until the British accent started leaking through. Fast forward to the solo section... he's not that bad.
I need help? I need help?!? I don't need help... this guy needs help. Even I have to draw the line somewhere, and having a coffee table that leaks oil on my floor is somewhere on the far side of it.
Still, that wall decoration wouldn't look any worse than what Ellen has up. Probably improve it. Hmm...
Looking for ET? AMCGLTD is here to help! I'm not surprised the area off San Diego is a "hotspot." I am a little puzzled why Chicago should have so many damned sightings. Maybe ET likes deep-dish?
Little octopus: 1, aquarium staff: 0:
Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium in California say the trickster who flooded their offices with sea water was armed. Eight-armed, to be exact.
Damned clever, yer garden variety octopus. No, Ellen, you can't have one.
Nothing like finding out your girlfriend of 7 years has been a prostitute all this time to start the day. Since it is the 21st century, they do of course have children.
Mark gets a pink triangle no-prize for bringing us clips from some new reality show called, "Gay Army". The DI is speaking English, and I think the recruits are speaking German, so I don't know what network this is going out on. It's definitely going on my Tivo search. I don't know how legit it is, but it looks pretty funny.
It was my understanding all German males were conscripted from 18-21? Of course, that was 20 years ago, maybe the rules have changed...
Ron gets a no-prize with some ears on it for bringing us an editorial cartoon sure to cause frowns on the left side of the peanut gallery.
Actually, I think I'm seeing the very slightest of cracks in the popular media monolith. Then again, that whole, "of course we were biased! We weren't reporting the news, we were telling a great story!!!" meme soured me so badly on the MSM I've been reduced to getting my news from Fark and Instapundit. Wtf do I know?
As with seemingly everything else they touch, boomers have turned the eternal fact that grandchildren sometimes have trouble understanding their grandparents into something self-centered and banal. It's not the words Olivia will have trouble with, it's the accent.
What? Who cares if it's wrong? Does it fly? Go zoom-zoom? Looks weird? Run it, damn you, nobody'll notice
Just hang on to the 30 second mark, and then, well, hang on.
An Ohio website is helpfully providing advice on just what is and is not acceptable in the "personal license plate" realm. Ohio resident Ron, who gets endearingly literal when he gets an answer he doesn't like, should find the list of 1574 examples of bad resident! No biscuit! examples quite useful.
Virginia's custom plate law makes it pretty darned cheap to get one, so they're all over the place. They fussed at us when Ellen claimed "8bit me", but eventually, without explanation, gave in.
Today's graphic demonstration of "people who want to be seen naked are usually people who shouldn't be seen naked" is brought to you by Budweiser. Sort of. Viral video FTW!
Mark gets a glittery no-prize with bell bottoms on for bringing us rumors that the real ruler of Russia is a closet Abba fan. Because we all know how reliable a cover band looking for some free publicity is, eh?
25 year old blind Oregon woman enjoys skydiving, says she knows when to pull the ripcord because the dog's leash goes slack.
From Fark, natch, linking up to this story.
Now, there are practical issues galore, but personally I think an alarm clock that uses bacon for the wake up call is just a brilliant idea. Nothing like a little sizzle to get you started in the morning!
Well, if Ellen won't link them up I will...
The things one does for entertainment...
It'll be a lot worse when the painkillers wear off, kid. Drugs have come a long way since I had teeth pulled when I was that age, that's for sure.
And yes, Ellen, this is exactly how you acted on the way home from your wisdom teeth surgery.
Personally, I don't get the appeal of chocolate-covered bacon. Then again, I seem to be getting more food-sensitive lately. Why, just last night I made Ellen turn off her Weird Foods episode when the guy sawed an ear off a roast suckling pig, took a bite, then complained that it wasn't too bad but he wasn't very fond of the taste of the waxy build-up around the inside of the...
Gah... makes me green just thinking about it...
And, sorry folks, I'm not making that up.
Mark gets the famous fig-leaf no-prize for bringing us news that Switzerland is having trouble with nekkid Germans hiking all over the countryside. You'd think that, after awhile at least, those backpack straps would start to chafe.
Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.
Olivia's seen the first one several times, but the other two only once. I'm not sure she'd do a whole lot better. Of course, she's only five.
Interestingly, this tracks pretty well with other accounts from people who've heard about really famous events, but never actually sat down with someone and discussed them from end-to-end. The Koran's account of Jesus springs to mind.
No, no... I've already got a nerd sign to go around my neck too. Gee, aren't you being awfully helpful today?
Mark gets a no-prize in a plain paper bag for bringing us what I assume is another one of those independent viral commercials. Yes, kids, before the internet we had to walk up and buy porn at a newsstand just like it was Time magazine or something.
Something tells me we won't see famous Hollywood-types implementing this stuff any time soon. Well, except maybe this one:
One of the most pressing threats facing our environment is rising income in Africa, Asia, and Latin America. A generation ago these proud little dark people were happily frolicking in the rain forest, foraging for organic foods amid the wonders of nature. Today, corrupted by wealth, they are demanding environmentally hazardous consumer goods like cars and air conditioning and malaria medicine. You can do your part to stop this dangerous consumerism trend by supporting environmentally progressive leaders like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe, and their programs for sustainable low-impact ecolabor camps.
Seems they've been doing that sort of thing since at least 1917.
Personally, I can't keep the players straight without a program:
The ‘row’ concerns a small breakaway group of druids (known to some as COBDO West) who’ve requested the museum release the remains so they can rebury them where they came from. King Arthur and mainstream COBDO want the same thing — but are upset that COBDO West have taken matters into their own hands. ‘COBDO West are just a joke — three men and a dog, without even the dog,’ splutters King Arthur. ‘I’ve got thousands of members in my Arthurian War Band all round the world and loads more in the UK. I could field hundreds of activists at the drop of a hat. Bunch of idiots.’
Not for nothing is south-central England considered the California of the UK. Over here, God lifted the East Coast up and gave it a hard shake, causing all the loose marbles to roll down Cali way. It would seem he did the same to Britain, only there grabbing the north end before giving it a shake.
The best part is, even though they totally trash these dudes and portray them as complete losers, these chicks still slept with them! Reminds me of a time long ago when friend Amber was trash-talking about (her) husband and friend Ron. He and I were both doing our nerdy, "you're-right-we're-wrong-we-suck" moping when suddenly out of my mouth jumped, "wait a goddamned minute... you married him!"
It was like she got hit between the eyes with a pole. When we've both been pushed out onto the porch of the rest home by our great grandchildren, it'll be a memory Ron and I will still chuckle over.
“Did you hear the one about how, after Barack Obama became president this week, he found out the economy was worse than he thought—so he had to lay off 17 journalists.” -- Bernard Goldberg.
Seems the American Idol producers are not above throwing in a ringer or two just to make things interesting. Considering the amount of money that sloshes out of this show, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the person "exposing" this "travesty" is on the payroll to drum up more publicity.
Remember, folks, wheels that pop off are only fun on toys. I've done something like this not once, but twice. The first time I forgot to tighten the lug nuts on a front wheel, which "did in" my original silver Spider back in 1996. $750 worth of frame damage = Great Parts Bin in the Sky. Best thing that ever happened to that rust bucket. I can only imagine the damage when all 4 come loose at once.
The second time was a back wheel on our present (much much nicer) Spider, back in 2004. Fortunately, all it did was rattle; it didn't come loose, and I have no idea why. On that day, when I got back and discovered what happened, God and I called it even, and we've stayed that way ever since.
And now I have helpers who always ask me if I've tightened the lug nuts BEFORE I drive away after a project.
I told you the media are like a pack of fans that doesn't care which side wins. They're only rooting against the team with the ball.
The Obama administration is in for a rough first year.
Contradicting myself? Me? Listen up folks, one cannot contradict one's self when one is able the change the rules at any time. Learned that from my wife, I did.
And, of course, the mainstream media.
At least this time you don't want to head for the eye bleach after seeing the "model". I'd say "some day we could do that with one of our cars," but I'm pretty sure Ellen plans on being buried with BOTH of hers, and (as noted previously) I'm not allowed to sell the Spider.
Hey, we should all have problems like that, eh?
I'm actually a little surprised it's taken this long for phony phone call pages to surface on the internet. Such things have been knocking around for ages, including the calls to Louis "Red" Deutsch which inspired the Simpsons. I've just never heard of them hitting something as big as an airport before.
Ron gets a no-prize that'll giggle inanely at the touch of a button for bringing us this very large scale example of the ultimate phone annoyance.
Little surprise that most of these architectural "horrors" are located in formerly communist countries. "Real and actual" socialism, like its less scary-sounding brothers liberalism and progressivism, always looks better on paper than it ever can in reality. Hope and change, people, hope and change!
Via Extreme Mortman.
Looks like the Fx guys working the last Indiana Jones movie got a little bored at one point. Olivia was downright offended when she saw a tiny R2D2 model stuck to the side of the Close Encounters mothership model. "He'll fall off!" she kept saying.
There's nothing quite like the enthusiastic literalism of a happy Labrador retriever.
Ron gets a no-prize with a hidden picture for bringing us the "top 10 cars and the type of women they attract". I guess you'd have to define "rare" to see if my Italian exotic qualifies, but I'm happy with what I got (in both senses).
Something tells me this does not mean to them what it means to us. Either that, or gaydar is now a reality.
Rrm... not that there's anything wrong with that. I think.
Yeah, this is pretty much how I react to cool toys too. And Mark, and Joshua, and Ron, and... well, and pretty much every other guy I know.
The rest of us will laugh at the main picture of best friends owl and basset. Ellen, of course, will jump straight to conure and labrador. But you knew that already.
Personally, I like the very last one. But I'm weird that way. As if you needed reminding.
Oh! I see... it's ZIONIST juice that's the problem. Thanks for clearing that up.
Lisa R. gets an emergency no-prize for bringing us evidence that it's not just Americans who use an emergency number for stupid things.
Another year, another set of goofy custom plates. How Richie missed out on the only NY state one on the list I'll never know.
Never let it be said we're above giving a worn-out meme a few more thrashes: She just wanted it to snow!
I'd like to think Olivia will be more mature and confident than this when she's 18. However, I'll be more than happy to settle for a healthy, reasonably well-adjusted child who graduates college.
Lisa R. gets a no-prize that's the wrong temperature for bringing us a particularly Aussie sort of Christmas carol. We had an Aussie working for us for a few years, I asked her if she ever got used to cold Christmases. She said it wasn't the Christmases that were so weird, rather it was instead New Years. The cold weather apparently significantly impeded the traditional "crawl-pubs-until-you-can't-move" parties that (according to her at least) dominated December 31st. I guess it's harder to enjoy drinking yourself stupid when you have to worry about passing out in a bush and freezing to death, eh?
Programmers of C#, Java, or just about any other language should find this worthy of a smile or two. I think the C# definition is amusing, and I think the Perl definition is absolutely dead-on.
Just hang on until :41. I couldn't get much further. Judging by her accent, she's probably spent only a little more time in Pakistan than I have.
And the farthest East I've ever been is Jamaica.
Mark gets a no-prize with extra firepower for bringing us this collection of a specific sort of motivational posters...
The only real difference being Olivia doesn't have a baby she can thwack. And won't have one any time soon either!
Mark gets a no-prize that's for the children, man!!! for bringing us Plaxico's first attempt to get out of trouble.
Go for the mall chase, stay for the beach assault. It's stunts like this which explain the love/hate relationship between the best automotive magazines and the industry; and why marques like Ferrari and Lamborghini force such journalists to find copies of their most exotic models on their own.
I'll fess up, I did do crazy crap like tear down back country roads way too fast, but I did it in a '74 Plymouth Duster. "Too fast" was quite relative, in that sense, and I never did get in as much trouble as these two. I'm just about certain, at the very least, the exhaust is trashed as well as the body. Spinning out a front driver takes talent!
Ron gets a no-prize that'll get him a punch from his wife for bringing us Sailor Moon Sings Bone Thugs. No, really!
And the only reason I watched it all the way through was the lady has the same name as my daughter. StickingToIt(My.Story);.
Annoyingly catchy, synth-driven pop song: check
Weird visuals that somehow still imply a plot is buried in there somewhere: check
Hot chicks: Check
Androgynous lead singer who's prettier than the hot chicks: check
I guess that makes it official: time travel must really be possible.
YOU! YES YOU!!! BACK TO THE 80s WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!
Nina gets a no-prize Ellen will want to mount on our wall for bringing us news of a "Hello Kitty" - themed maternity ward. It's in Taiwan, which would be a challenge but no real impediment to everyone's favorite crazy-cat-lady-to-be.
Ron gets a rather rude no-prize for bringing us this abject lesson in photography 101, rule 3. To wit: when taking a photograph, the photographer should always be mindful of what is in the background of the shot.
Several are NSFW, but hey, it's Sunday!
Mark gets a no-prize that's wise beyond its years for bringing us this timely reminder of correct, and incorrect, Christmas gifts, and their consequences.
Actually, I think it's a kind of domestication milestone when the woman in your life really does want a big new super-vac instead of a bauble.
Oh, who am I kidding... it's not "instead of", it's "in addition to". Rawoooorrrr!!
Something tells me the wife won't believe you just found 130,000 inflatable boobs on the beach, so we're here to provide proof. I've heard them called "flotation devices" before, but this is ridiculous.
Jeff gets a tacky but amusing no-prize for bringing us the ultimate demonstration of German engineering prowess.
Contrary to popular perception, the result would be largely the same were the perp driving an Alfa. His car would just be a lot prettier, and all the lights would flash on and off randomly for about five minutes after he pushed the button*.
* It's a Milano joke. Laugh.
The hook is that the cup is full of water. That sound you're hearing is Ellen scribbling this idea down for use the next time it's slow at her clinic.
When playing with a puppy, it's often wise to keep an eye on the paws. Bah, that's nothing. You want pain? How about two quarter-ton cats using your sleepy backside as the chute of turn 3 of their psychotic race course at 3 am?
Too bad bidding has ended. This would've made a great gift for that special someone in your life. The best part would be to hear, "but I don't have any blu-ray disks, why would I want this?"
Getting busted for being a dirty old man trying to paw teenagers is one thing. Having your stash of self-starring animal porn discovered during a search is quite something else.
Ron will be very happy, and not at all surprised, to learn this happened near Philadelphia.
Ron gets a no-prize with unintended consequences for bringing us this clever ad. I'm not completely sure if the product is real, but the writing is funny enough.
Where's COPS when you need them?
A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.
But wait! There's more!
A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.
The mind boggles.
Jeff gets a no-prize that'll dig a hole to China when it grows up for bringing us this live puppy cam. No, I didn't know what a Shiba Inu was either. Jeff thinks it's some sorta Chow breed.
Problem: the celebrity you're interviewing is deadly dull, and you really need something good for a headline.
Solution: Go fishing:
When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”
Props to the man for not shying away from saying what he thinks, and a big raspberry to whomever his publicist is for letting the interview spin out of control allowing him to do the same.
Making the rounds: a variant of Monty Python's "dead parrot" sketch has been knocking around for 1600 years. The ancients being less squeamish about such things, their version is more appropriately titled "the dead slave sketch."
I don't know enough about FWD cars to tell just what the heck happened here. Taking a WAG, looks like something in his transmission broke and allowed him to engage 2 gears at once. At speed.
NSFW punk wannabe language at the end.
My wonderful friend, Annie, scored a house in Leesburg, VA to live in. To her, history is a way of life, not just something you read about.
Me? I scared myself shitless in her house being left alone for 15 minutes to put makeup and a costume on. Especially when she banged on the window trying to get me to let her back in the house.
An aside: I'm sorry... if you need a 'skeleton key' to get in your house, especially if you are told the house is 'circa 1800', you automatically get a 'your house is haunted' prize.'
So tell me, do I have something to worry about? I did not feel bad "Ju ju" from the house, though I did have some serious discussions with the squirrels until Annie scared the crap out of me.
Even better, being told the parking lot right next door is actually a graveyard. Me: "... uhm... gravestones?!?" Annie, in very jolly voice: "Oh they just took those and moved them across the street in the park. They're right next door, just moved them 20 feet. Left the graves where they were, put the parking lot over it, no idea why it hasn't all collapsed. Ha ha ha!" Was that a movie? I broke out in the "Thriller" dance trying to calm myself. What? Like you didn't know I was weird that way.
Ellen's rule of SpOoKiEness #7: living next to a theater that plays the Rocky Horror Picture Show monthly... gives you a 'maybe" for a sleep over.
See, thing is, even if you think your girlfriend is pretty, even if she is actually pretty in a "normal mortal female" sort of way, it won't much matter to the rest of the world if you're a terrible photographer and she's posing like one of those models you see on those tuner magazine covers.
Those cover girls get paid for a reason, mostly because they have plastic surgery bills the size of a college tuition payment. If yours doesn't, just don't. K?
Note: I only scanned the very first page of the thread, which was bikini-level SFW. I won't vouch for the rest until I get home, so be cautious.
Sometimes they just write themselves: Will there be disclosure of UFO files under the Obama administration?
I swear I saw Joshua wandering around in the background of one or two of those shots.
Or maybe it was Brian?
I'm not sure if this really is the worst music video ever made, but it has to be close. Looks like some Chicago don's daughter decided she wanted to break into the music business. I'm glad they got the alarm fixed first.
If only you could do this with kids! Exactly what it is in a tennis ball that inspires such absolute monomania in a dog I'll never know. I wonder if he's that enthusiastic with it when there's nobody around to watch?
What better way to memorialize a war most people forget about after high school than a pair of giant toy soldier statues in front of an apartment building?
Ron gets a warped and slightly puzzled no-prize for bringing us news that Belgium, in fact, does not exist. I'd heard the same thing said about Idaho for years, and then someone who claimed he was from there showed up. Can we really trust Joshua? I think not! Idaho is a hoax! Idaho is a hoax!
Why, thank you for this new coat. My, isn't it funny how the sleeves go 'round the back?
Of course, now I have that damned melody stuck in my head. The things I do for you people...
Remember folks, trying to tow a car by its roof makes baby Jesus cry.
I think it's not as bad as it looks. As I recall, Jeeps are still body-on-frame vehicles, in which case all they probably did was rip the body off its mounts. Not good, but (maybe) not a total loss.
Ron gets a no-prize shaped like a tow hook for bringing us a brilliant Jeep FAIL.
Yes, we did this to our poor doctor. This is what happens when you fall asleep during your lunch. We decorate you.
Mark gets a no-prize that's romantic on its own terms for bringing us a beer commercial that understands us. Hee!
The funny thing is, as I understand off-road traction at any rate, this thing probably wouldn't be all that bad in the country. Well, assuming wooden wheels can actually support something has heavy as an H3, that is. And gaining traction != a nice ride. I think the whole thing would probably shake apart driving across grooved pavement.
Mark will get his no-prize just as soon as the driver gets off 66 for bringing us this insider's guide to touring DC. DC's traffic, that is, which is just about all you'll see if you're not careful and actually try to drive around here most days.
Mike J. gets a no-prize with that distinctive profile for bringing us evidence that the Democratic party has been a known quantity for a very long time. It also shows how much Hollywood has changed, since that's probably the last time the Dems got a zinger thrown at them in a motion picture. Republicans, not so much; but you already knew that.
Lisa R. gets a no-prize that's a funny blue color for bringing us an example of how not to travel by train:
A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.
Cell phones do a lot of things well, but swimming isn't one of them. That thing was DOA when it hit the water.
Annie gets a no-prize that'll look good in Hell for bringing us this picture of people goofing around in an art museum. I'm pretty sure I've seen it before, but I can't recall it being in a linkable format like this. Good morning, all!
Two words: dildo downpour.
Supporters of the Stockholm-based AIK ice hockey team scored an unusual hat trick of heckling on Tuesday night featuring dildos, profane banners, and a giant inflatable penis.
I was going to make a joke about "I went to a hockey game and a sex party broke out", but then I tried to picture what the average hockey fan might look like naked. Three showers later, I'm almost normal again!
Ron gets a no-prize that'll be an interesting conversation piece at his next get together for bringing us this most interesting of fan taunts.
Mark gets the coveted Charlie Brown Halloween no-prize* for bringing us a light-hearted look at what we might all have to look forward to next holiday season!
Hopefully we're not violating a copyright here. I've linked to the guy's main page. If this suddenly disappears, well, there ya go.
* A rock.
Mark gets the coveted Charlie Brown Halloween no-prize* for bringing us a light-hearted look at what we might all have to look forward to next holiday season!
Hopefully we're not violating a copyright here. I've linked to the guy's main page. If this suddenly disappears, well, there ya go.
It takes a page or two, but trust me, this is the most ridiculous rice-up job you'll ever see. Even non-gearheads will appreciate the color... combinations? ...this guy comes up with for his car. Go for the hand file to the head treatment, stay for the spray painted foot pedals.
Mark gets a no-prize that's only a model for bringing us this re-imagining of everyone's favorite medieval comedy. Must be a different version of the song... I could actually understand the lyrics this time around.
Actual guy on my bus.
Actually, I'm surprised it's taken this long for the SCA crowd to turn a sex toy into a weapon. Video is completely SFW.
Texans + rocket powered scooter (no, really!) = well, this. Just when you thought a redneck couldn't get any dumber...
Fans of Mythbusters should find this brief clip of Adam Savage at a hacker's convention of interest. I hope the two clips he shows from an upcoming episode actually make it into the broadcast. This is one of Olivia's favorite shows, in no small part because she thinks Carrie is a very neat lady.
Note: Clip is completely SFW, but the ads surrounding it are marginal (but not awful). I can't vouch for the rest of the site.
Posting from home rox!
Remember folks, you can't fool owls. Turn it off after the first repeat. Far as I can tell, it'll loop forever until you do.
No, really, when teleprompters attack.
Ok, well, when teleprompters get snippy, how's that?
And yes, I know, they did a little "enhancing", but it's still nice to see that The Messiah does indeed flub lines every now and then.
Parking brakes: they're not just good for civilians. I want to know what he crashed into at the end.
Jim Treacher scoops, well, the whole worldwith an advanced look at the questions due to be asked at tonight's VP debate. It's funny because it's true.
Oh, right, sorry. Fox news is the true enemy, the one really in the pocket of a political party, eh?
Meh. Looks like he wasn't going fast enough to hurt anything.
Well, except maybe his pride.
Automatic doors: 1, black bear: 0. With video!
Yeah, actually, a lot like that, s'what I think. Then again, so is a discussion on Fark, whence I found this piquant illustration.
Well, at least the Redskins won!
(2008-09-29) — Just minutes after the Bush administration’s $700 billion financial-sector takeover went down to defeat in the House today, Congressional Democrats introduced a bill that would mandate a 6:02 a.m. (EST) sunrise for Tuesday.
“The sun will come out tomorrow,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, “but only if Congress takes action now to eliminate uncertainty.”
That's probably gonna leave a mark. As far as I can tell, nobody was hurt.
Having actually been a little kid in the 70s, I can say at least some of these kids shows weren't as surreal as the author of the article thinks they are. Then again, the internal state of a 7 year old is a pretty weird place to begin with, so who knows.
I'd forgotten all about Banana Split, and even now the memories are almost entirely made up of impressions rather than the more typical "internal movie projector" we all normally remember with. I can only remember that I watched it during summer time, when I was intensely bored, during some "Krusty the Clown" - type kids show. Other than that, nothing.
Mark gets an extremely silly no-prize for bringing us well, I'm not completely sure what the hell this is, but it made me laugh a bit.
Thank you for the "needs to get out more" sign, but I already have a hat that says that on.
Ron gets a no-prize that's just wrong for bringing us how they really make that most perverted of Japanese vending machine products. I mean really, what did you expect?
Nerd me = new Nerd("Scott");
me.HoldingTool = new Hammer();
foreach (Thing t in Everything)
n = (Nail)t;
What?!? I haven't done pseudo-C# in, like, forever!!!
You want something else, go get your own site!
Mike P. gets a damned silly no-prize for reminding us of the cow methane study they're doing in Argentina. Science is seldom pretty, eh?
It made me "LOL". Found on a Fark (natch) thread comment to this article
Jeff gets a no-prize that should not be greeting him at the door when he gets home for bringing us an example of just how determined a bored beagle can be. That's probably more dangerous than it looks... I can definitely see about six different ways for doggie to get hurt pulling a stunt like this.
I'm actually surprised it's taken this long for Alfisti sellers to start seriously questioning their buyers. They are fine little machines, but they definitely take a specific sort of owner to get the best out of them.
Something tells me this holds true, with some variation, for just about any car worth having.
Go for Sal and Richard completely f'ing up a reporter's live feed, stay for the straight-laced description the anchor tries to put together at the end. I don't know how, but those two weirdos definitely managed to land some of the best jobs in the world.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll rant impressively for bringing us yet another re-imaging of just what happened in a specific bunker at a specific time and a specific place.
I honestly don't know just what it is about that scene that allows it to be re-tread time and time again and yet never once lose its funny. This one definitely worked for me. Obamamaniacs... well, probably not as much.
Athlete + "Vodak" + cell phone camera = teh funnay. It takes a little while to get to the good part, but it's worth it. I wonder if the event was televised? If so, there's most likely even better footage out there somewhere.
“What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama?”
“One is a well turned-out, good-looking, and let's be honest, pretty sexy piece of eye-candy.
“The other kills her own food.”
I don't often link FARK threads, unless they have as much "WIN" as this one does. Go for the guido pictures, and do not miss guidos in motion.
The weirdest thing of all is, after living with and around yankees for the past twelve years or so, I'm starting to be able to tell the difference between someone from Jersey, Brooklyn, Long Island, upstate, and Manhattan. I guess it's a kind of radiation, seeps into your bones, that sort of thing.
I dunno... for some reason this, this reminds me of... "someone":
Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association. His mental approach to it could be visualised as a sort of business flowchart with, at the top, a circle entitled "Me, who does the telling" and, connected below it by a line, a large circle entitled "Everyone else".
-- (Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent)
Now, I would never think of scratching out Ridcully and putting in "Ellen". Nor would I ever change all the "he" and "his"'s into "she" and "hers"'s. My story, sticking to it.
The Post, at least, is most definitely hammering away at Palin, and the MSM in general is trying hard enough that British bookies are now taking bets that she'll bail, perhaps before the end of the convention. Note the snarky back-biting in this LA Times piece.
Ah, college. The long hours. The tough assignments. The passive-aggressive room mates.
In my first "group house" we had a member who expressed his displeasure with us by turning the thermostat down to 50 at 1 am. I out-p-a'd him by waking up 5 minutes later and switching it to FAN so it'd still make noise but not freeze us/power bill us to death. Needless to say, that group didn't stay together very long.
Amber gets an extremely silly no-prize for bringing us "I am Cow", a benediction to everyone's favorite burger ingredient. Moo!
Other, classier, sites are making note of McCain's VP pick with serious discussion and analysis. We, however, choose a different route.
Ron gets a no-prize that'll spend most of its time rooting around in the muck for bringing us a crystallization of the first three or four thoughts every straight man had when he heard the news.
I have no doubt he would do exactly that. I still think the orange Jersey douches are funnier, but this guy was worth chuckle, for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to yank a certain person's chain.
In 3... 2... 1...
Today's "idiot dog swallows something he shouldn't" story brought to you by...
Hey, are you sure this is right? This really is the town's name? No way. No f'ing way. Well, ok then...
By the Leamington Spa Courier. With most excellent X-ray goodness.
Those English. They'll name a town anything!
It's nice to see that the US isn't the only nation with an f-d up public school system. Some of you may think, "well at least they speak English." Keep in mind their immigration problem is actually a bit stickier than ours. They may boost the crime rate and create a built-in constituency for
nanny-staters Democrats, but at least they don't try to blow us up on a regular schedule.
Personally I've always thought having a pretty face and being reasonably articulate in front of a camera were no great talents. Now I have (even more) proof. Remember folks, we're only supposed to do what they tell us to do, not what they do themselves.
Reason #7 Why Ellen Can't Have One: she stumbles over level ground. A disasters like these would only be a matter of time.
Far as I could tell the video is SFW.
You'd think with such a shiny tow truck he'd know better than this. Well, I guess the guy learned a lesson in physics that day.
Go for the description, stay for the picture:
This is the amazing scene of a burglar hanging upside down that greeted home owner Paul Ives when he returned home from work.
Since it happened in the UK, I'm surprised they didn't arrest the homeowner for something like "failure to ensure burglar could enter home safely" or some such nonsense.
While it's kinda short and the white-on-green color choice is awful, this brief look at the kind of support e-mail Slashdot gets was still amusing, at least to me. It's nice when you get proof positive that it's not just your users who are a bunch of panicky screwups.
Mark gets a damned salty no-prize for bringing us the latest celebrity behaving badly. I'm pretty sure it's staged; then again, Howard Stern runs out-takes of various celebrities melting down during voice-over sessions and I have to admit this sounds a lot like those.
Language is NSFW, but everything else is fine.
I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this whole lambda thing. I think this will actually work! Well, it compiles at any rate:
List<RegistrationBatch> rbl = rbl.Where(x => x.Registrations.Where (y => y.RegistrationTypeUsed.MyClass == registrationType.RegClass.regular).Count() > 0).ToList();
It gives me all the registration batches which contain "regular" registrations. Yeah, I can do this in a heartbeat with a sql string, but that tends to net me unexpected behavior that doesn't show up until runtime, and won't let me use all my handy enums besides.
Wrong Wrong Wrong! comments in 3... 2... 1...
It's my blog, I'll write what I want to!
Sometimes it's scary, most of the time it's dull, and sometimes, well, sometimes life in the military can be just a little silly. Making inappropriate jokes at inopportune times is, after all, an American past time.
Mark gets a no-prize he can strap to a bomb rack for bringing us this collection of uniquely themed photographs.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised I agree with just about all of the "elements" on this table. Except for Saget. For some reason every time I see him on TV I start to chant "DIAF DIAF DIAF". Sue me.
This has to be satire or something. Nobody's campaign staff is that dumb. Right?
Via Instapundit, who took it seriously enough to do some research, with... interesting... results.
Thanks to Shirin for the entry!
Yeah, I know, it's made the rounds, but I still thought this "take down" of the chatty Today Show hosts was a hoot. Welcome to live TV!
Nothing says "Valkyrie" like big German women with rocks and cudgels:
Pedestrians usually step aside when Gisela Lang and her lady warriors come down the street, re-enacting the glorious day when the Women of Kronach helped oust an invading army from Germany nearly 400 years ago.
"All of us weigh at least 90 kilograms," (200 lbs) said Lang, 52, a local culture official who herself tips the scales at 100 kilos.
Mark gets a no-prize that only sings when it's all over for bringing us this amusing bit of local German tradition.
Think of it as a cat, with thumbs. It's not a sloth; I'm pretty sure it's some sort of loris. Hmm? Oh go look it up.
No, Ellen, you can't have one.
Ok, I admit it, I literally laughed out loud when I checked out the URL. I need to get out more...
Brian gets a no-prize that'll play a classic Styx tune with the press of a button for bringing us the Halo Corpse Alphabet. Something tells me this won't end up as a set of magnets for our refrigerator.
And that's not a challenge (Joshua)!
Well, I'm still looking for my Buddha gravy, but at least when I find it I'll have a side dish. Considering all the weird ways Cheetos can come out of the bag, I'm surprised it's taken this long for somebody to spot a Jesus one.
Sorta puts a whole new spin on that "eating the body of Christ" thing, eh?
I'm pretty sure doggycondoms.com is fake, but if it's not it certainly represents a pretty innovative expression of experimentalism. I think. Somebody else gets to put it on Rover.
When the children are away, the parents may play. Vaguely NSFW.
Except for the language, I deal with calls like this just about every day. And people wonder why help desk workers don't last very long...
Remember that awful wedding cake you saw years back at your [friend's | relative's | ex's ] event? Bet it wasn't as bad as these.
The worst one I can remember actually was at a wedding, years ago. Strangely, I can't remember exactly who's wedding it was. At any rate, it tried to be a three-level, columned classic. Which it was, if you overlooked the frosting drooling over the sides like slow-motion water from an overfilled punch bowl. The impression of a ruined Greek temple was greatly enhanced by the fluted columns no less than 4 degrees out of true in all different directions. Truly, it was a classic.
Diners have been flocking to a restaurant in northern Nigeria to see pieces of meat which the owner says are inscribed with the name of Allah.
If someone would only find gravy with bits that look like, oh hell I dunno, say Buddah for the sake of argument, we could use this and that Jesus toast to make our very own holy sh*t on a shingle!
I swear, some times I'm so damned clever I amaze even myself.
Mark gets a no-prize with a really high voice for bringing us more evidence that Rock Band is a video game, not a teaching tool. This must be, what, the sixth or seventh actual rock band that couldn't play their own songs on Rock Band? And check out the drum setup... no wonder they did so poorly!
So, if a previous article is to be believed, TV commercials now cause kidney stones. What an insight! I should work for TV news!
As an inveterate TiVo user, I haven't intentionally watched a commercial (at home, anyway) in something like six years. Who would've known that would put me in with the greenies? Quick! Someone light up a charcoal grill!
Parents of young children can test the strength of their Seuss-fu with this Dr. Seuss quiz. I only got 7 out of 10, but then again it's been awhile since we've done the Seuss circuit during story time.
You must know your way around [Super Mario Bros.] before we meet... also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.
Thing things people are willing to advertise for...
tellin' da troofs. Better than impeechin' our doodz!
Lisa R. gets a no prize with a crown and scepter on for bringing us The Principality of Hutt River, which appears to actually be the oldest "micronation" in Australia. They even have a home page. Mint coins and stuff!
Shoot. If I'd know'd it was that easy I'd've done it years ago!
Work for NASA, pee in a cup. Over and over again, it would seem. But hey, at least it's voluntary!
Ya know, the party just hasn't started until the guy covered in barbecue sauce shows up. When Mr. Shotgun is pointed at you, it really doesn't much matter how badly you need protection from the government, no'Wha'ah'mean?
Why we didn't think of a picture like this, I'll never know. Oh I know all right. They may not shoot guns, but the grammas Olivia's got can swing some pretty heavy bats.
Volunteer fire-fighting seems to be a lot more fun than I would at first have thought. Don't miss the video, amusing in equal parts for the fireman shooting a rocket out of his butt (really!) and the puritanical disapproval of the "investigative" reporter.
Fans of non-sequitors in the peanut gallery should find the Surrealism Server amusing. For a few minutes, at any rate.
Why yes, I have spent all day coding, why do you ask?
Long, long ago my mom was on the city council of our local town; her many stories of their meetings kept me from being that surprised about this:
Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.
Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."
I've always known it was expensive to live in Manhatten. I mean, look how much a homeless person gets for just being, well, homeless. Gotta love that rent control!
I swear to God, the Post Express this morning called this one, "why women shouldn't use a standard transmission." If the thing was going 40 mph when it hit, I would imagine there would be more damage to the pool itself. But wtf do I know? Well, I know a) try not to park a standard on a hill and b) if you do leave it in gear and set the e-brake. Sheesh.
Ron gets a no-prize which can be read end-to-end whilst sitting on a toilet for bringing us this bit of People-esq automotive journalism. Sometimes I think these guys are mostly out for excuses to drive cars no real person could ever afford, instead of providing information about cars I want to buy.
And, dude... what self-respecting "top 10 post-apocalypse vehicles" list would leave off the LM002?
I guess it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how to put a mash-up generator on the internet. Sorta reminds me of those old novelty singles that were popular in the 70s. You know, the one where it's a interviewer and the replies are all song snippets? I can't remember the name of the guy who did them anymore. Gah.
I only wish I could get away with this crap. Where I work, if I don't deliver exactly what they want just before they know they want it, with a sweet smile and a kind, gentle voice, I'm just not effective.
Go for the cellos, stay for the polka. I guess string players gotta make a living somehow, eh?
The fall of the iron curtain gave everyone over there the freedom to be silly as well, ya know?
For the less technical, what you'd be asking for is the ability to smack idiots around via the Internet.
Ron gets a no-prize that'll keep on truckin' for bringing us this brief bit of '70s nostalgia. I wonder where they put the 8-track?
Remember folks, news anchors just have to be pretty. They don't have to be smart. Damned good thing too, eh?
The owner of a tiny island in off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands.
The British have a long and varied tradition of cherishing eccentricity. Looks like they've got yet another entry right here.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll make his ears bleed for bringing us news of the worst, and best, cover songs of all time. For now. According to them, at any rate. I could've sworn I'd heard the top worst pick somewhere along the line. Maybe it was all just a bad dream.
Well what do you expect from us? A real photo? :)
Coming to a hi-fi wanker store near you: $500 "audiophile" ethernet cable. Directional, even! Ok, the CAT-5 equivalent of lamp power cord is a bit more expensive than, well, lamp power cord, but it'll transmit your data just as well as the cord transmits electricity to your speakers, and it'll all sound just as good as the idjit who spends $5k on his interconnects.
Oh, and I couldn't quite think of how to express the "fool and his money" adage in a single line using a lambda. After 12 years using the real thing, I'm just too comfy with pseudo-SQL. I'll leave alternatives as thought exercises for the peanut gallery.
Three words: Farming with Dynamite. Does the real chance of dying from some weird disease that today would only require a shot balance out with having high explosives available for purchase at the corner hardware store? I'm just not sure...
It was bound to happen eventually. Someone's come up with a "sock Obama". It's got that great racist fizz!
Like a child who refuses to clean up her room until her trip to the movies is threatened, it would seem China really can control counterfeiters, if they're given a reason. If I were Microsoft or Sony, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for this newfound efficiency to "bleed over" into any of my piracy cases. They do have their priorities, donchanknow?
Annie gets a well-protected no-prize for bringing us just what, exactly, the very last shipment of goods this season to our antarctic research base contained. Jiggidy!
I think this one pretty much defines "so scared you scream like a girl." Since she is, and does, and is, well, there ya go. Me, I'd be hooting and hollering like a goddamned chimpanzee, but I'm special that way.
While I knew the correct definition for most of these "9 words that don't mean what you think they mean", there were still a few surprises. I have, fortunately, grown out of the habit of correcting people about them. Having a wife who can tell her husband to f- off three different ways in two sentences will teach one to maintain one's own council about such things, donchaknow?
Male domestication, step 4: teaching him practical jokes that worked on his dorm friends will not work on you. I learned this one a long time ago. This is probably more due to me being old than to me being smart. Just ask my wife!
No, really, I'm just watching to see how the widget works. Personally, I think "boobmaster" would've been a more appropriate name. SFW!
They're called "awful", but I think this collection of custom license plates is pretty funny. I especially like the "EAT THE - [children first]" plate. From Virginia no less!
Members of the peanut gallery currently or formerly involved in the medical profession (veterinary or otherwise) may find thi s list of "insulting" diagnosis abbreviations of interest. The comments on the FARK link include more items, as well as more than a few sniffy "This is not funny!" replies.
Annie gets a no-prize with foil hat firmly attached for bringing us this "doomsday" scenario at least one group believes is inevitable if a national ID scheme is ever implemented. Because we all know how the current amazingly well constructed HIPAA legislation is being utterly and completely ignored.
But O so funny.
I'm not sure which is better... the position of this (very expensive) British helicopter, or the position of the parking truck. The latter being quite definitively out of frame, we'll just have to speculate.
Nothing livens up a press conference like counter-rotating flying dildos. No, really!
Fark veterans will know nearly all of them by heart, but the rest of you should find this collection of best mugshots "evar" amusing. Hey, at least they're famous for something!
Chili's a cow. Chili's a big cow. Chili has an interesting taste in snacks (emphasis added):
However, nine-year-old Chilli grazes just on grass and enjoys the occasional swede as a treat at his home at the Ferne Animal Sanctuary in Chard, Somerset, where he was dumped at six days old.
How the hell does that get by the copy editors?
Mark gets a silver no-prize with an earthy blue star on it for bringing us this older, but no less amusing, cartoon about a certain peanut gallery member's favorite football team. I'd probably laugh more, but the Redskins stink so bad they're not usually not even worth the occasional chuckle.
I peed myself laughing at this.
Of course...it's Florida!
Mark gets a no-prize with no detectable accent I can hear for bringing us this "Red State Update" view of the Democratic primary process. It was the very last line of dialog that clinched it for me.
While I would've probably enjoyed more floppy-induced mayhem and less goofy shtick, this film about one man's quest to find a use for 3.5" floppies was still amusing. This is my boomstick!!!
Damion gets an extremely subtle no-prize for bringing us one fine example of hot-rodding a ricer. Hey, at least he's not hiding anything, eh?
Rhinos: 1, Wildebeast: 0. Hey, if they were bright they wouldn't be living like that, ya know?
Mark gets an old but good no-prize for bringing us the latest (that we've seen anyway) Morse code vs. text message contest. Oh, and Jay, it's MORSE, not "morris." Geeze.
Annie gets a very interestingly shaped no-prize for bringing us the true story of what happens when rich Americans in the West get into a tiff with each other. You can take the redneck out of his tacky neighborhood, but...
So, fess up now, are any of your favorite songs on this list of "top 90's worst videos. I'm expecting a lot of indignant harumpfs and denials from the peanut gallery. Methinks they doth...
I always suspected those guys underneath the stage of The Muppet Show were having a good time. Now I have proof.
Rick R. gets a no-prize in the shape of a score board for bringing us this great link.
Any Brits who go on about how tacky people in the US can be are pleased to be shutting up and sitting down now. And all this time I thought Amber's dress was complicated...
Annie gets a no-prize with an extremely amusing mug shot attached for bringing us a story involving of one of the less popular places to spend one's wedding night:
A newlywed couple spent the night in separate jail cells -- she in her wedding gown -- after police said they brawled with each other, then members of another wedding party, at a suburban Pittsburgh hotel.
And could someone please explain wtf a "Yintzer" is?
I agree with Ron, Best! Song! Evar!!! I especially liked how Rodney kept looking at the balcony chick. Impressive. Most impressive.
They must've been on sale or something:
Three streetcars purchased by the District of Columbia for about $10 million are being held in the Czech Republic until the city builds tracks for the cars.
Bought 'em three years ago, no less.
Pat gets a no-prize with no reserve set on it for bringing us news that you, too, can get your classified military parts cheap on e-bay. I would like to think the whole thing was a complicated sting operation to allow the FBI to pop Achmejanni trying to pick up some spares for his Tomcats. Of course, this is the Federal government we're talking about here, so...
Bad: getting yelled at by mom for not telling her you're meeting some myspace guy you met.
Worse: having a kid brother around with a video camera.
Couldn't tell if it was a younger or older brother, but it doesn't matter. Is this a conversation I'm going to have in 13 years? I'd like to think not.
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice." -- Bill Cosby
It's also why towing children's toys with grown-up four-wheelers is bad. No kids were harmed in the filming, although I imagine that teenage punk's little sister isn't going to be very happy with him.
Something tells me one of Ellen's co-workers probably has a picture of him somewhere wearing suits just like this. Well, not the guy with the gold lame boots, the businessmen.
You just all better watch out, this could be coming to a movie night near you!
Now, far as I'm concerned any woman over 30 who marries a man more than twice her age deserves what she gets. I also think the reverse is also true. Go for the ridiculous story. Stay for the cRaZy eyes.
There's nothing better than clips of pretty, self-important people getting p3wned to help start your Saturday morning. Now, go outside and accomplish something.
Hooray for Viagra! Hey, it's what married people are supposed to do.
Technically SFW, but some of the ads are suspiciously raunchy.
Lisa brings us a very 'down under' ad all the way from DOWN UNDER!
The sad thing is, I know a few guys who've actually had conversations like this. And did I mention how glad I am I never ever ever have to go back to high school?
Warning: audio only, but the language is pretty blue.
Mark gets an obnoxious no-prize for bringing us even more reasons police have the hardest job in the world.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll be there for an hour for bringing us this look at the daily grind of checkpoint work. Now that the Mahdi militia is back on the march, something tells me things are quite so boring.
Houses do a lot of things well. Unfortunately boucing isn't one of them. The back-story is here.
Annie gets a no-prize she better not take over a bridge for bringing us this "redneck joke just waiting to happen."
Ok, it's no Caturday, but this Fark thread in celebration of the end of prohibition is still, as I'm wont to annoyingly say nowadays, "full of win." So sit back, relax, and read about just how much worse other people's drinking stories are than yours will ever be.
Actually, this reminds me of more folks than just Ron. Me? Oh hell, I'm too old for that crap nowadays.
You'd think by now people would learn not to give Robin Williams a microphone without a script. Then again, if they did, the world would most likely be a much stuffier place.
My house is like this whenever I try to make
tomato sauce ahem... gravy. Except the guy with the crowbar is shorter, prettier, and, you know, a woman. Not that we're mentioning any names here!
Besides, Ellen swears a lot more than that.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll plead no-contest when it goes to trial for bringing us a rather colorful way of failing a sobriety test. You're doing it wrong!
Leave it to the French to mount a 75mm cannon on a Vespa scooter. Are those goofy little things really that good off-road?
Lesson #28 on How Not to Do a Remote: never try reporting from the bottom of a snow sled hill.
It's almost too good to be true, but I'm provisionally believing it, at least for now.
You knew it was only a matter of time before someone explained just what about Ashley Dupres was worth $5000. Hmf. I thought they were all blue-tooth enabled. How else does my wife knows where everything is?
I personally can think of no better use for a high-speed camera. Wait, what the hell am I saying? This would be the second best use of a high-speed camera. You all can guess at the first, but I will tell you it starts with a "b" and ends with an "oobs."
Another good laugh(s).
We received free tickets to the new D.C. Newseum from a very good friend that works there. If you have not heard about the Newseum, it is all on media. Yes, the news. Highly recommended visit for D.C.
Now, you get the opportunity to play "reporter" out on the streets for FREE! Yep, this one you do not have to pay for! So what did I do? I made Scott get up there with Olivia and "play reporter."
I think their actual mistake was opening their restaurant so close to campus:
The restaurant, which opened two weeks ago, sits south of campus at the intersection of State and Hill streets. Adorning the blue awning above the restaurant next to its name is an image of a cowgirl riding a hamburger.
The Stonewall Democrats, a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender caucus of the University's College Democrats chapter, has taken offense with the restaurant's logo and recently began circulating a petition to sway the owners to change the logo.
I must be getting old. I can remember when it was just "Gay and Lesbian." The more names they add the less I take them seriously.
Comedian Eddie Izzard strikes again, this time with helpful Lego animation! His monologues on history bear a surprising resemblance to my own at times. Maybe I should put on lipstick and eyeshadow and go on stage?
Or, perhaps easier, learn how to, you know, actually be funny?
While I doubt these really are the ten most racist moments in TV, I did get a giggle. I especially liked the sports commentators who's urge to fill the air with anything finally bites them on the bum.
Those of you who wonder just what it would look like if you mixed the ridiculous earnest sincerity of a national politician with the loopy lunacy that only Japan can incarnate need wonder no more:
Foreign Minister Masahiko Komura appointed the cat an "anime ambassador," handing a human-sized Doraemon doll an official certificate at an inauguration ceremony, along with dozens of "dorayaki" red bean pancakes — his favorite dessert — piled on a huge plate.
Turns out there may be something beer can't do after all:
After years of argument over the roles of factors like genius, sex and dumb luck, a new study shows that something entirely unexpected and considerably sudsier may be at play in determining the success or failure of scientists — beer.
Hey, at least it wasn't my tax dollars at work!
I'm not saying Ron's an anarchist bent on spreading murderous chaos for humor value, I'm... well, actually, I guess that is what I'm saying after all. We lurv him so.
That old codger with the chicken crap catapult? All it did was fling a bunch of fail. But he's vowed to try again, so who knows?
The reason people turn to a life of crime is because they're too stupid to do anything else:
Perhaps James Wombles thought he made a clean getaway when he reportedly committed multiple burglaries in Clark and Miami counties between December and January.
But authorities tracked the Montgomery County man down by following the GPS signals from his electronic monitoring bracelet. He has been in the Miami County Jail since his Jan. 22 arrest on charges of receiving stolen property.
Sometimes they act as a deterrent. Other times, they enable arrest.
Annie gets a no-prize that'll get out any stain for bringing us a story that really would be run if we were put in charge of the Church's laundry. Pink underwear... it's the new white!
Mike J gets a no-prize that'll slide all over the place for bringing us an example of just how far too much free time can go. The note about the difficulties of testing certain kinds of programs is interesting too.
Joshua is the proud recipient of the Ed Wood no-prize for Absolutely Worst Movie of 2007 for bringing us well, this. The best part is, these people will almost certainly end up on Conan or Kimmel over this. Hey, if it can happen to that Tron suit guy, it can happen to anyone!
Presenting HotChicksWithDoucheBags.com, your one-stop-shop for the dorkiest white guys on the planet who, somehow, still manage to at least get close to hot women. I was wondering which trends in the 'aughts would end up in the next VH1 "I love the..." specials. I don't wonder anymore.
I'm not completely sure what's up with everyone being so into zombies suddenly, but I still found & Teller amusing. I think it would've been better to see Penn wandering around in makeup, but he's probably too manic to make a really convincing zombie.
Leave it to the English to take the whole goth thing way too far. You know the story: pay taxes, stay out of trouble, keep off my lawn, none of my business.
I can still raise an eyebrow!
Alternate title: Junk, meet gate pole; gate pole, junk. I'm not completely sure it's real, it seems a bit too good to be true. I do know, however, that downhill skiers can top 60 mph, so one hopes a cup was part of his equipment. As it were.
While using a retired trebuchet to fling chicken poo at thieves is all well and good, I can't help but think there'd be an aiming problem. They were originally meant to knock down walls, which don't move around near as much as your average punk. The cannon sounds more promising, if only I knew exactly what a "railroad sleeper" was.
The fact that he'll likely get in deep trouble if he ever actually uses his defenses speaks volumes about what eleven years of Labor rule has done to Britain's vaunted self-reliance. There, but for the grace of God and a Democratic party too disorganized to accomplish anything they consider meaningful, go us.
Fark (of course) linked up "the worst shots ever created", a list which purports to contain the absolute worst shot drinks created by man. Looking at the list, I'd have a hard time disagreeing with them. The crap people will put down their throats in a bar at 2 am never ceases to amaze me.
Why use a laptop case when a pizza box will do? I've always tossed a towel over valuable stuff in my car. The wise owner of an old convertible will always have one or two in the car at all times.
Don't mess with the scales, young man, you'll get the teeth. Or, you know, something like that. With picture!
Cricket batter: 1, streaker: 0. Includes nekkid-buttage pic, so if that's NSFW you've been warned.
Presenting StuffWhitePeopleLike.com, a damned funny blog about a white guy picking apart his own preferences and preconceptions and, in the process, doing so for nearly every other white person I know. Particularly amusing to me was an observation that sounded eerily like this site's co-owner:
...what do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: expensive sandwiches.
In most cities, if you need to find a cache of white people get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese are strongly European.
These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they wants to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.
Via Violins and Starships, who makes the quite valid point that we may find this amusing more because of where we live than the color of our skin. I don't much care, the satire works just as well when you live in the correct area.
Everything old being, as always, new again, 80s perms are making a comeback. Fortunately, in the UK. Unfortunately, probably here soon enough.
If things end up timing correctly, Olivia will be raiding Nina's old high school clothes for her fashions.
Personally, I think if someone actually mistakes a re-skinned Fiero for one of Modena's finest, they deserve what they get. But that's just me.
Mark gets a no-prize he'll have to hide from the border patrol for bringing us yet another tasteless flash game. Those damned things move fast!
Personally, I think the effectiveness of this will be determined by the bait. However, I have a feeling the number of choices required for a catch would not be particularly large.
Sorta puts that whole "pizza boxes in the oven" thing in perspective, eh?
A 42-year-old borough woman was injured when what authorities called a stash of "homemade fireworks" stored inside her oven exploded.
So much for the quiet town.
Problem: Hajji, being the secretive sort he is, gradually learns to hide from your big, sophisticated robot airplanes.
Solution: Make tiny, simple robot airplanes that look like bugs and birds, enabling you to facilitate a meeting with Hajji and his 72 virgins in a quick and efficient manner.
New problem: Cats (and other things):
There are bats, birds and other insects out there that will find it a cinch to catch robot butterfly's, mechanical birds or even cyborg moths. It will be a long time until our artificial flyers will be anywhere near a match for Nature's airbourne hunter-killers.
I can definitely see the disappointment involved in creating a zillion dollar droid which ends up showing you nothing more than what the inside of a cat looks like. And boy wouldn't that be an interesting thing to scoop out of the litterbox?
Update: Go for the edifying discussion. Stay for the Y duz fud buzz? video.
Mark gets a no-prize shaped like a starfish for bringing us a rather unique pencil sharpener. How Amber and Ellen managed to survive without one of these I'll never know.
Annie gets a no-prize that should never be brought anywhere near the water's edge for bringing us a remarkable set of "Murphy's Law" pictures, and an explanation of why the last one is just too good to be true. I thought the last one in the e-mail looked a little funny. Considering what actually happened, there really wasn't much of a need.
It's a unique collection indeed in which I have not seen a single one before. In other words, they're original, they're subversive, and they're fun. Don't just sit there, go look!
Trillions of dollars and billions of man-hours to create, expand, and maintain the Internet, just to make sure we can see stuff like this. I love this country!
I'm sure Olivia will find this one at least a little funny. The trick is making sure Ellen doesn't run it completely into the ground, al-la "The Egg Song."
Joshua, I have found your next goofy movie. It woulda been Ron's too, but it wasn't animated enough and lacked tentacles.
Looks like things are heating up over on the West Coast again. Maybe tech stocks will return to save us all?
Mark gets a no-prize he just shouldn't look at for bringing us the real secret behind Google Maps. It's getting to the point Google is nearly as scary as Microsoft!
Resolved: If it explodes, moves fast or produces ridiculous amounts of torque, it's cool.
Seconded, passed unanimously. Now where's the fuse?
Joshua gets a no-prize that throws out more jokes per second than Robin Williams on crack for introducing us to Ben Croshaw, the lord of Zero Punctuation.
Just go straight to the Super Mario review, then Guitar Hero III. You can thank me later.
And remember, he is Not. Gay!
Always remember one of the hallmarks of a spoiled brat is the ability to dish it out but not take it:
As six Republican senators devised a plan to yank $2.3 million in federal funding for Berkeley programs, the mayor of the famously liberal city apologized Wednesday for his hard stance against a Marine recruiting center.
Too bad these aren't actually six-year-olds, and they're running a city.
Being able to think more than three turns ahead is the mark of a grand master, in politics as much as chess. I'm not sure what sort of mark is made when someone doesn't even think of the consequences of the move their making right now.
Mark gets a no-prize that probably shouldn't look like that for bringing us this collection of unique "look-a-likes". Nobody said duplicating someone at 1/8th scale was easy!
Have fun parsing this one. Then again, the perspective seems all wrong to me. Maybe it's just a goofy photoshop?
Actually, it's not just mathematicians and physicists. Just about all my friends would be vulnerable to this sort of dastardly trick.
For whatever reason, I'm reminded of a scene out of the recent Dr. Who series. The Doctor gives and extremely elaborate and detailed explanation for why something that looks like a cross between a zombie and a bread machine is trying to gnaw everyone's face off. After two minutes, he stops for a bit, and everyone looks at his (cute, blond, female) companion. She says, "I find it's easier to just wait until he's out of breath and then nod a bit."
Ellen didn't stop laughing for five minutes. No idea why.
Look, people, If you can't bring it home don't f'ing bid for it on Ebay:
Hundreds of people in the poor Romanian town of Dragasani have grown rich by conning eBay online auction customers with deals that seem too good to be true - and often are.
The scammers have even put the new town hall up for sale on eBay, the mayor admitted last week. “I mean, who would want it?” he asked.
Bonus: the classic trailer-trash momma quote, "He's just a good boy who got mixed up with the wrong crowd." I wonder if it's more poetic in Romanian?
Like most illnesses, this one seems to be playing out in the very young, the very old, and the very stupid.
Welcome to the former Soviet Union, where all manner of things are possible. Possible, yes. Desirable, well, that's something else all together.
Although, truth be told, I recall seeing things nearly as goofy in and around the South while I was growing up. Most are now long gone, so I think it's as much a sign of poverty as it is cultural quirks.
"If own grandmother pulls plow in underwear... you might be from Russia."
The advantages of having a cute girlfriend with connections. We've heard Sarah on Stern more than once... she really is like this.
This is why, after more than 25 years, I only flirt with the Hi-fi hobby:
The Andromeda Reference, part of the Moon Evolution series, is Simaudio's flagship CD player. As such, it's a showcase for the company's latest and best technology, and they've gone all out in its execution. The double chassis is a perfect example. Sim began by separating the power supplies for the digital and analog sections, then designed each around an optimized, purpose-built toroidal transformer to minimize thermal, electrical, and magnetic leakage, and loaded them up with copious amounts of capacitor storage. Next, they shielded the transformers from the circuitry, and mechanically isolated the transformers and the circuit boards from each other and within the power-supply chassis. Then, to ensure that any residual power-supply noise was truly isolated from the audio signals, Sim put both supplies in their own chassis. The analog and digital power supplies each has its own umbilical to the CD-player chassis.
More than twelve thousand dollars later, and whaddaya got? 16 bits, 44.1khz sample rate, just like my $200 Emerson had in 1983. Just to add frosting to the lunacy, the reviewer starts comparing it all to vinyl. Because we all really know the true hi-fi benchmark was set in 1957, donchaknow?
Gah, I say, Gah!
No, really, a burger in a can. And he eated it! What will those silly Germans think of next?
Joshua gets a giant demon-shaped no-prize for bringing us this startling development regarding the Super Bowl half-time show. Don't feel bad, mom, if I hadn't watched all of Ellen's brothers play Guitar Hero over Christmas I wouldn't have any damned idea what they were talking about either. Pop culture inside jokes... gotta love 'em!
While I'm pretty sure the house of inveterate Cowboy's fan Ron didn't echo with screaming German, I bet something very like this went on in his head. I don't know just how many different ways this particular track can be mashed up, but this one was definitely a winner.
It would appear that, just sometimes, enthusiasm can be an antifreeze. Go for the goofy dog jumping in the snow. Stay for said goofy dog's "Bugs on his way to the beach" tunneling imitation.
That's right soap.
And I PAY people at work to eat cat food and cat treats. No wait, I make them get in the dryer too!
Ron and Amber, recently liberated from The Garden State, you may now start your flashbacks. The only time I've spent any significant time in NJ it was in the middle of winter, and I went nowhere near the club scene. Looks like it was win-win for ol' Scott!
Joshua gets a tragic yet informative no-prize for bringing us the Best. Photoshop. Tutorial. Evar! All four parts are great, although I think a few members of the peanut gallery will be in a huff after episode 2. Relax! Repeat to yourself... it's only a story... all fake, not real!
Sometimes they have problems telling the difference when it comes to... "p*ss factories."
Surprisingly, this vending machine is not available in Japan. You can get beer and used panties on streetcorners in Tokyo, but you have to come to LA to get your pot fix from an armored soda dispenser.
Brings a whole new meaning to, "fall down go boom."
A recent book I read discussed at some length how over time humanity seems to have genetically "bred out" its more violent traits. It would seem Western Europe's transformation from a seething hotbed of violence to the milquetoast of the developed world would bear this sort of thing out. I wonder if, by literally blowing themselves out of the gene pool, the Arab cultures will eventually tame themselves in just such a fashion?
Walt M. gets the Darth Vader Ultimate Armament no-prize for (in the comments) cluing us into a .50 caliber air gun. A 1/2" slug, pushed by air. Those damned chipmunks better watch the F- out, s'all I'm sayin'.
In the early 70s, even the trailer parks were supposed to be fabulously "mod". Luckily, free markets in the West made these popular but misguided attempts to "revolutionize" housing flop like the poorly planned utopias they were. The communist block wasn't so lucky, as the legions of critically-acclaimed Brutalist buildings with leaky roofs and lukewarm AC will attest.
Hard to imagine, but there are high school graduates who will not get one bit of this. Of course, high-tech in 1980 was even more classically silly. Who knows what'll be current when Olivia graduates high school?
Something tells me, if Ron and I were to somehow get incarnated into a video game, we wouldn't be two Strong and Quick Heroestm, we'd be these guys. It only got scary when one of them said "balls" in context.
Joshua's the only one of us who's actually played Portal. He'll most likely have the biggest laugh of all. At least until he comes around that corner. L-O-L.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll throw a rock at him if he gets on its lawn for bringing us a deeply unappreciated reminder of my upcoming 40th birthday. I normally say, "yeah, but you're catching up fast" to such jests, but Mark started out several leagues ahead in this particular race.
The status of various grammas Shall Not Be Mentioned.
Even though it's 78% soft-headed college lefties, I do still love the occasional conservative on Fark
Most people would find paying fifteen million dollars for a hamburger a sign that something's wrong. Most people, however, are not Robert Mugabe. When will it all end?
Guitar Hero, Blender. Blender, Hero. I've seen these blenders in the store occasionally. Trust me, you are definitely paying for the ability to blend anything.
Now now...we KNOW Ron is a wine drinker..but still, this is Ron.
All of our plans usually wrap up around 8 pm. The more risque friends and associates we have should most definitely get a laugh out of this one.
"Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying
that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders."
Don't look at me, man. I do C#.
Annie gets a no-prize with a lop-sided background and a really bad haircut for bringing us this... historic... collection of department store photo studio products. I would imagine we all have such awful photos of ourselves stashed in a closet somewhere.
I know lots of guys who are white enough, but none that are rich enough. Wtf is "raw tea" anyway?
Well, what would happen if God had a MySpace page? There certainly seem to be a lot of users who could do with some retribution, s'all I'm sayin'.
Yeah, it's a little long, but does have some clever bits. I thought the various choices of computer were amusing.
Personally, I've never noticed any of these "obviously" gay ads. Then again, I'm well known for being about as quick on the uptake as Jamie Lynn Spears watching a condom ad. So what do I know?
Meh. Stay out of trouble, pay your taxes, keep off my lawn, and I officially cease to care. It's your product, market it as you please.
Article contains one vaguely NSFW ad.
Teenager + car + alcohol = busted + car. You balance the equation. His mom already did.
Mark gets a no-prize which will protest to its last for bringing us this look at how most gamers really act when they get banned from their favorite games.
Personally, anything that makes fun of Nazis in their darkest hour is fine by me.
I'm pretty sure this thing is supposed to be yet another perpetual motion machine. While it looks impressive enough, I think it's quite suspicious the video was shot in such a dark room. I also noted the lack of a more detailed examination of the thing's guts. In other words, just because I can't say how it was made doesn't mean the product isn't still a bottle of snake oil.
Triple negative! Woot!
Who says the law has to be stuffy? Makes up for all those reports about the judge and the penis pump.
Well, ok, not really. But still!
Fark had its (as far as I can tell) first-ever "headline of the year" contest this year, and the winners are just great. Showbiz was my favorite category, with politics a close second.
Hey, at least he's owning up to his mistake. Sort of, in that great, fizzy, "I'm-a-wack-but-I-meant-well" sort of way. That's the problem with prophesying the end of history. It just keeps happening anyway.
It's never too late for some Christmas carols. I didn't know Dunham could be that edgy.
I'm not sure which is more impressive, that you can build a contraption this elaborate for a self-frag, or that someone would actually try to do it. Fun with physics models!
New Scientist has a year-end collection of the most spectacular science screw-ups of the year. Of course, there are still a few days left, so maybe we'll get more entries.
Finally some loon ran the right building over. And kudos to the quick-thinking producer for jumping to the remote even when the news is happening in the newsroom.
Mark gets a no-prize that's going to be exhibit #1 in his murder trial for bringing us the worst joke we've heard in a long, long time. Which we did not laugh at. Did not even crack a smile. No sniggering, no guffaws, not even a tittle.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
I'm not sure what's funnier, this guy knocking himself out cold with a log, or his (I'm guessing Eastern European) friend swearing in English. Eminem gets everywhere, I guess.
Sometimes you just gots ta tell it like it is:
Although I am American, England has been my home since I was three years old. I now split my time between Los Angeles and London and regularly visit New York. There are many, many differences between the British and the Americans, but none more glaring than UK women’s approach to their own upkeep.
A perfect example of this was presented to me last week. I was set up with Sophie (I have changed the name) by married friends. Sophie was a truly beautiful girl I used to be friends with, but hadn’t seen in 15 years. I was surprised to hear that she was still single and was excited to meet her again. At dinner, I found myself sitting opposite something that surely would have been happier hunting for truffles in the forests of France or grazing on the grassy marshlands of Canada. My friend’s wife had told me that Sophie still had the body of a 20-year-old. Maybe she did . . . dismembered in her freezer at home.
Go for "teh funnay", stay for the indignant "I-am-woman-hear-me-wheedle" commentary.
It's most likely for the best light sabers aren't real, otherwise this would most likely be a common outcome. Then again, alcohol and weapons routinely mix during Ren Fairs, and I can't recall ever hearing anyone getting hurt. Maybe because by the time you're wasted enough to go after the other guy, you're too wasted to find the ax?
In other news, Australia has goths:
Summer officially begins in Melbourne around the time of the first sighting of a Goth in Elizabeth Street in short sleeves. It's not unlike the American custom of using a groundhog to indicate fine weather ahead but it's more unpredictable and so much more exciting. Our version of a hibernating rodent emerging from its burrow can happen in December, possibly February, or maybe March.If they're anything like the standard variety Aussie, you do not want to get in a drinking contest with one. Professional bar crawlers, them.
Mark gets a no-prize with a really nifty uniform for bringing us the latest news about recruit candidates for the Army. Poor WWII reenactors get no love. And they even have their own machine guns!
Mark gets a no-prize with nail polish and gun oil for bringing us the most logical way all horror movies should end. At least that's the way they should end in the US. Other countries, maybe not so much.
I think that they don't is one of the reasons I've never been fond of the genre. It irritates me to no end when the good guys must be stupid for the bad guys to win.
Mark gets a no-prize that'll annoy him standing on his front porch for bringing us this... innovative... Christmas carol. SFW, no worries there. It's actually quite difficult to "screw up" that intricately on purpose. And in tune, no less.
Mark gets a no-prize that just doesn't understand!!! for bringing us Monthly Man, the time-release capsule that allows men to share that extra-special emotional roller coaster women make such a big damned deal over. Now if they'd just make a pill that'd give women that "drink beer, fix cars, watch po