September 06, 2002
The Great Chili Debacle

What I Learned When Using a Pressure Cooker:

  • Ames was going out of business for a reason, and not just because nobody was shopping there.
  • Sometimes mom is right (wear clean underwear, don't play with your food, eat your vegetables), sometimes she's wrong (you're just paying for a name when you buy expensive pots).
  • It's never a good sign when the instructions that came with the cooker don't describe the one you're holding in your hands.
  • Never deglaze a cast-iron pan when it's still on the burner.
  • Beer steam still smells like beer.
  • Beer steam still burns like steam.
  • Canned chipotle peppers look like dried mice dipped in axle grease.
  • It is unwise to lick the sauce chipotle peppers are packed in off your fingers.
  • It's a bad sign when steam escapes from around the relief valve as well as through it.
  • It's a bad sign when the steam release valve simply pops the lid off the cooker. Eventually
  • When the instructions say "bring to boil, reduce heat, simmer, open, spice, close, cook for additional 15 minutes" they actually mean "cook for an additional 15 minutes by bringing to a boil and then reducing heat."
  • When the instructions are vague on heat level and you can't see the food, it's always better to go with lower heat and wait a little longer.
  • Even wet steam can carry smoke
  • A pressure relief valve looks just like the tailpipe of an '83 Chevette with 220,000 miles on it when the stuff inside starts to burn.
  • It's not a good sign when the pressure cooker makes you think of "I Dream Of Genie, the Robot Experience."
  • It takes about 17 minutes to completely carbonize one pound of stew meat in a pressure cooker.
  • It only takes 15 minutes to carbonize most of it.
  • If you try hard enough, things will stick to stainless steel.
  • The meat in chili doesn't have to be ground beef for it to taste good
  • The meat in chili has to be ground beef for Ellen to think it tastes good
  • The meat in chili should not resemble the bottom of an Apollo space capsule after re-entry, because it won't taste good.
  • I don't mind my own cooking, even when it goes horribly, horribly wrong.
  • Ellen pretends not to mind my cooking even when it goes horribly, horribly wrong because sometimes it goes really, really right.
  • If at first you don't succeed pressure cooking chili, make sure to leave the pot soaking two nights straight before trying to clean it.

Ah well, maybe I'll try stew next...

Posted by scott at September 06, 2002 12:33 PM

eMail this entry!

One more thing to listen to : you don't need a pressure cooker to cook chili or stew or any of the other things you want to cook. Trust Me!!!!!

Posted by: Pat on September 6, 2002 02:39 PM

Pressure cookers are not for novice cooks. You are lucky you didn't set the apartment on fire or wind up with chili on the ceiling, you didn't do either did you? LOL

Posted by: Pat Johnson on September 6, 2002 05:03 PM

This from someone who stores cardboard boxes in her oven. No explosions, no fires, just lotsa burned grub.

Posted by: scott on September 6, 2002 05:30 PM

That box was a left over pizza that I had forgotten about. I usually use the trunk of my car for extra storage. LOL

Posted by: Pat on September 6, 2002 05:50 PM
Post a comment

Email Address:



Remember info?