Archives

February 27, 2014
The Next Big Thing

Fifty-second sign of the apocalypse: facial hair transplants. Meh. It's elective surgery, so (one presumes) they're paying for it out-of-pocket. Probably with their parents' money, but still. Their face, their money, who cares?

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2014
Ouch!

Science correspondent Miles O' Brien lost weight the wrong way. Who designs bodies like these?

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2014
When Selfies Attack

It really was only a matter of time: Google glass seems to have acquired it very first "adult themed" app. Maybe I'm just weird, but to me one of the points of grown-up fun is admiring one's partner, with perhaps the occasional glance in a mirror to see two people having a lot of fun. That said, there is the whole "Jersey Shore" angle. Bah. If you want to watch yourself doing your significant other while you're both wearing goofy-looking glasses, knock yourselves out.

Posted by scott at 05:07 PM eMail this entry!
January 09, 2014
Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

And in the "so this is a thing" file we have men dressing up as anatomically correct female dolls. That time I said "bronies" were the most inexplicable thing I'd ever come across? Yeah, I'm gonna have to take that back.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
Fun with... holsters

Is that a gun in your...waitaminute...that's not a pocket! I'd think that would at least itch a bit.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
December 27, 2013
Not Sure if Serious...

"Unless the reality of Secret Space War phenomena is openly revealed and corroborated with hard evidence in public and admitted by all world governments, this knowledge cannot be yet be received or processed by the masses."

Posted by scott at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2013
Dead By Dawn

Personally, I think if you set your criteria wide enough it includes an entire century you'll find people dying in weird ways pretty easily. This article seems to prove that right. I'm not sure it's possible to overestimate just how deadly-dumb people can be.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2013
Insert Chianti Joke Here

Another year, another German cannibal finding someone willing to climb up on his dinner table. I'm not sure if this is a German thing, or if it's just Germany that's going after these people.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2013
Oink Oink Boom

It's all fun and games until the pig farm explodes. I get that people want bacon quickly, but there are limits.

Posted by scott at 06:08 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2013
Couldn't Happen to a Nicer Guy

A Swiss forensic team is expected to reveal that Yasser Arafat was poisoned. The Palestinians, naturally, blame Israel. This time around they may have the case, since that's the only group I can think of in the region with access to Plutonium. You'd think rat poison would be easier.

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2013
Umm... Ew?

It's all fun and games until the maggots in your hair weave start eating your scalp. Jeebus, that makes me itch.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2013
How About "No?"

Let's just say I'm glad guys aren't typically invited to baby showers. And I don't eat cake all that often, either. Meh. Your money, your party.

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2013
Ta-Da!

Home owner: "Damn these stupid drivers, I'm stopping them ending up in my lawn once and for all."

Drunk idiot: "Challenge accepted."

There's a house in Arlington that's literally at the top of the west-bound Glebe Road exist on I-66. We've always wondered how many cars have ended up in their yard over the years.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2013
21st Century Problems

Our long national nightmare is over: Facebook is allowing graphically violent video content to be shared again. I visit LiveLeak regularly, so it's nothing I haven't seen before, but it's yet another reason Olivia won't be getting unsupervised internet access any time soon.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2013
Nightmare Monkeys

And now, monkeys trained to look like people, right down to wearing masks to seal the deal. I wouldn't had that my money because I'd be too busy screaming and rolling the window up. Or, better yet, not roll down the window at all.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2013
Eww!

For most of us, discovering a worm living in our mouth would result in frantic calls and doctor visits. This guy isn't most people. Meh. It's his mouth, it's not like I'm kissing him.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2013
Smile for the Camera

Now, my politics says I can't condemn this, because it doesn't violate the Three Rules*. However, can I get a, "EWWWWW!!!!" from the crowd here?

---
* Stay out of trouble, pay your taxes, keep off my lawn.

Posted by scott at 01:44 PM eMail this entry!
Eyebleach, Stat!

Every time I think the movie industry can't get any more self-absorbed they go and prove me wrong again. Here's to hoping the movie has an art-house sized release, because explaining to my 10 year-old why these people look funny is a job I'm not much in the mood for at the moment.

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2013
Big Ol' Bug

And now, hornets as big as the palm of your hand. And yep, they're big enough to kill people with their sting. Strangely, they don't live in Australia.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
October 01, 2013
Meanwhile, in Russia...

Posted by scott at 08:56 AM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2013
When Carelessness Attacks

Dude, when a helicopter blows your hat off, just let it go. I'll bet that sort of carelessness came from the same place that caused that beauty queen to get chopped up by a plane's propeller. Spinning blade-like things should be treated like, well, spinning blade-like things. Be careful, people!

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2013
Moving the (Spaghetti) Goalposts

Color me unsurprised: Fiat is delaying Alfa's return to the US again. This is not a repeat from '96, '99', '03... you get the picture.

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2013
When Adjectives Attack

News: Suspect in string of burglaries photographed. WTF: in a "resplendent" silver suit. Hey, fashion is expensive. Me, I bet it has something to do with avoiding motion detectors.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2013
This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Good: 'asploding targets! Bad: idiots being creative with 'asploding targets. It's not like the current administration needs an excuse to meddle in our lives, let's give them a legitimate excuse to do so!

Posted by scott at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2013
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 02:28 PM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2013
Crappy Place to Put Your Cash

It seems that stuffing cash up your backside is a wee bit dangerous. Who knew? I'd like to think it was wrapped in a condom or something, but I have a feeling someone with decision making skills this poor probably didn't think of that.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2013
When Buildings Attack

It's all fun and games until the office building melts your car. From the "John Hancock Tower" school of unintended consequences. I guess they'll have to block off those parking spaces from now on, or maybe put something on the windows to stop this from happening.

Posted by scott at 09:59 AM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2013
That Ended Well

Darwin on the river: young man goes swimming in crocodile-infested river, chew-larity ensues. I mean, Australia tries plenty hard enough to kill you on a good day. There's no need to go and make it easy.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2013
He Lost His What?

It's just like I tell my daughter, this is what happens when you don't pick up after yourself. Of course, she's not likely to lose THAT. Me? I'm married. I always know where mine is--in that purse over there.

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2013
Insert Gilligan's Island Reference Here

On the one hand, yeah, fleeing the US in your own boat because of various beefs with the US government is a pretty ridiculous idea. On the other, they did manage to survive more or less intact for 90 days in the Pacific ocean. Sounds like they almost got it right. Still, I'd think next time a plane ticket or three might be a better idea.

Posted by scott at 06:19 AM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2013
Dislike!

Well, they DO use social media to make announcements, after all. Yeah, I know, but I hear Hell has beaches!

Posted by scott at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
Disaster Time

This collection of disaster pictures is pretty darned impressive, but "stromboli volcano?" What's next, "pizza hurricane?" Mmm... Pizza...

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2013
Spiderz!

There's "Holy crap, a spider!" and then there's OMFG! SPIDERS! F- YOU AND YOUR CONNECTING FLIGHT I'M OUTTA HERE! Personally, I don't have a problem with this. Some of my friends would likely want the tower burned to the ground and rebuilt before they set foot in it again.

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2013
Captain Obvious at a Vending Machine

Now, I know you'll be just as surprised as I am, so sit down before you read this. "Sugary drinks" have been tied to childhood obesity. I have a feeling the BMI of the parents will be a stronger predictor than anything the kid actually consumes.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2013
How Do You Say "Duck and Cover" In Italian?

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
Oh, I Thought They Meant Exercise

I'm not completely sure if this is for-real or not. Normally the real deal are about 20 lbs heavier and speak with a heavy Southern accent. The one on the right especially seems like she's auditioning for a role or something. I'm sniffing shenanigans, but it's teeth-clenchingly funny regardless.

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2013
Meanwhile, in Britain

Exactly how that last guy avoided being squashed I'll never know. When I was young and reckless I used to stand at the edge of the platform. After a few graphic LiveLeak examples of what happens when someone gets run over by a train, I stay well back until the door opens.

Posted by scott at 08:59 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2013
Meanwhile, in Russia...

Posted by scott at 10:37 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2013
Yikes

It's all fun and games until the utility pole comes through the windshield. Doesn't seem to have killed the driver to death, but I can't help but think injuries were involved.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2013
Remember the Meatballs

There's "lose your memory bad," and then there's "lose your memory and only speak Swedish" bad. They don't come out and say it, but it seems that the guy actually is Swedish, so there's none of that "go to sleep with one language, wake up with another" nonsense. But it's still pretty darned bizarre.

Posted by scott at 07:57 AM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2013
Fake Blue

Making the rounds: a New York rabbi has been accused of impersonating a police officer multiple times as he pulled over people who upset him in traffic. Yes, he was recently hospitalized for mental health issues. Very perceptive of you!

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
Captain Obvious on the Spot

Stop me if you've heard this one: setting land speed records is dangerous. Meh. He knew the stakes, and he didn't hurt anybody else.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2013
Rocket Go Boom

It's all fun and games until the rocket tips over and heads for the ground. Usually there's a range safety officer who'll blow the thing to bits before it gets the chance to come back down, but maybe it all happened too fast for the guy to react. At any rate, seems even good ol' Russian hardware will fail, on occasion.

Close-up video is here.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2013
Meanwhile, on the River

Posted by scott at 06:35 PM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2013
Screech When You Do It

Sometimes it's hard to remember we're 98% chimpanzee. Other times, it's hard to forget.

Posted by scott at 02:26 PM eMail this entry!
May 28, 2013
That's Not Good

There's a reason they strap a car down when it takes a dynomometer run. Looks like it fragged his rear suspension. Hopefully the guy who owns the machine has insurance, because I'm pretty sure the regular car-type won't cover this.

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2013
Base Creatures

So, does Islamic culture emphasize women must cover up to express humility and modesty, or is it to try and provide at least some protection against their men? I'd wager the truth is far closer to the latter than any intellectual would care to admit. I also agree with the producers of the documentary: the only way to change this is to investigate and expose it. Good luck to them.

Posted by scott at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2013
Charming

The stuff you find out trolling Wikipedia's "on this day" list: Introducing Sada Abe, who:

... is remembered for erotically asphyxiating her lover, Kichizo Ishida (石田 吉蔵 Ishida Kichizō?), on May 18, 1936, and then cutting off his penis and testicles and carrying them around with her in her handbag.

There's bound to be at least a short story in there, but I'm not gonna be the one to write it.

Posted by scott at 10:49 AM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2013
Tasty

A Florida (naturally) restaurant is experiencing a bit of a backlash over its "lion tacos." Yep, you read that right, lion tacos. In other news, somewhere in the US there seems to be a farm that's raising lions for meat. I bet it's really hard keeping herding dogs around on it.

Posted by scott at 08:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2013
Short n' Curly Awareness

I'm all for raising awareness of any cancer, but some kinds just don't lend themselves very well to a mascot. Different cultures, different strokes. You know, as it were.

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2013
How About No?

And yeah, the seventh seal was opened. I've only ever seen poutine, but I think Ellen's actually tried the stuff. She gags at the thought. Acquired taste, I suppose.

Posted by scott at 06:12 AM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2013
Dead Wrong

Who the hell gets bitten by a... basically by any damned thing in Australia and then goes on a mile and a half run? Just about the only thing that's not viciously venomous is, oh hell, I dunno, probably some of the sheep.

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
Not Your Average Floater

I guess even statues can piss off gangsters: a mysterious, giant floating head was found recently in the Hudson river. I'm thinking it might be from some sort of abandoned amusement park somewhere upstream, but heck I guess anything's possible.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2013
Building Go Boom

Ever wonder what it'd be like to be on the roof of a building when it was imploded? Just ask this guy. The camera was zoomed in real close, so it's really hard to tell what was falling where. To me, it looked like he missed getting clobbered by a brick wall by just inches.

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
Dude. Wait, What?

News you can use: "If you're going to get your vagina high, you should definitely do so thoughtfully and with the uttermost respect." All those times women have shaken their heads at the goofy crap men get up to between fifteen and twenty-five? Yeah, I just found at least one counter-weight to that.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2013
Bowling Crush

It's all fun and games until an arm falls out of the bowling pin machine. I've seen the manual for one of those things. It's a giant collection of moving parts that will fold, mutilate, and spindle a person in a heartbeat. Reaching in to one that's turned on? Well, he already got what he deserved.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
Connections

It looks like one of the Marathon bombers may have played a role in a bizarre triple murder case from 2011. Apparently he knew one of the victims. Me, I think it smells a little bit of "let's pile on," but who knows? Maybe it will lead to something.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2013
Ouch Ouch Ouch

Assuming the story can be believed, a Chinese woman is on trial for killing a man by squeezing his junk. And by "junk," I'm not talking about the trash in his back yard, ya know?

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2013
That We May Know Them By Their Limping

Judith Grossman: A Mother, a Feminist, Aghast Unsubstantiated accusations against my son by a former girlfriend landed him before a nightmarish college tribunal. I've read accounts of these tribunals before, in a scenario almost identical to this one. The sad thing was, that account was satire.

Posted by scott at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
Blammo!

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2013
Dark Doom

And in the "Well, that's comforting" file we have a study that aims to find out if you can get a lifetime's dose of hard radiation flying through a thunderstorm. This should make the regular air travelers in my circle of friends much more comfortable, I'm sure. And yes, when you read the article expect to say "sensationalize much?" a LOT.

Posted by scott at 08:04 AM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2013
I Drank What?!?

Hey, nobody's making me drink one, and it's not happening on my lawn, so when it comes right down to it I don't have a problem with this. Well, with someone ELSE mucking around with it. Or, you know, rubbing one out for it... sort of thing.

Well what am I supposed to say about something like that?

Posted by scott at 07:32 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2013
Insert "Butch Cassidy" Reference Here

It's fine to over-estimate, say, what's needed to make a bridge strong, or an airplane safe. When it comes to cracking open an ATM, that's not the best strategy. Then again, it didn't seem to set the cash on fire. I'm just glad nobody was anywhere near the thing.

Posted by scott at 09:13 AM eMail this entry!
Couldn't Happen to a Nicer Guy

I guess we just have to say it much more slowly: Stop trying to sleep with the teenagers you meet on the Internet. I guess we really do need to bring Chris Hansen back

Posted by scott at 06:23 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2013
When the News Cycle Attacks

Someone call the AP! The story: "Swedish feminists are going after the way men sit on the train." The reality: a single blogger has set up a site that takes pictures of guys sitting funny on a train. Meh. It's not like I plan on visiting the place anytime soon. But, now that I think about it, guys who sit like that on Metro trains are pretty obnoxious.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2013
When Condoms Jump the... Nevermind...

So, is this a rubber too far? Meh. If it means you and your partner have more fun, why the hell not? Just no pig jokes, please.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2013
Bomb Play

Posted by scott at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2013
Head Golf

The prostitute that gave infamous serial killer Joel Rifkin AIDS has been identified. Well, her head's been identified, at any rate. Yeah, it didn't end all that well for her. It seldom does, for streetwalkers.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2013
That'll Buff Out

There's car wrecks, and then there's put your car four feet up the wall of a house car wrecks. No word if alcohol was involved. A twenty-something guy in a fast, red car doesn't need anything as dangerous as alcohol to pull a stunt like this.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2013
Flatten the Flat Tops

Another year, another call to retire all the Navy's super-carriers. As long as we're willing to put up with slower, less capable ships, the cost savings are substantial. This is not a repeat from 1950, '60, '70, '80, '90, or '00, even though it looks like it.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2013
Slicing Junk

I dunno... I think I'm calling "shenanigans" on this one. Mostly because I can't think of any position I can accidentally get myself in that would result in a junk-ectomy and NOT cut something else off with it. There have been cases in the past of dumb guys injuring themselves attempting a clever wank. Not saying that's what happened here, but it definitely seems fishy.

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2013
Bonk

"Hey, Frank!"

"Yeah, Lou?"

"Do you think we need to strap this bridge down more?"

"Nah. It weighs tons. It's not like anything's gonna shift it."

Posted by scott at 07:37 AM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2013
When Idiots Attack

Posted by scott at 10:51 AM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2013
Now it Makes Perfect Sense

In the "not-sure-if-serious" bin today we have news that Taylor Swift was probably inducted into the Illuminati during the most recent AMA's. Because, when I think of how new members join secret organizations, a performance at a live, nationally broadcast event is definitely top of the list.

Posted by scott at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2013
On This Day...

The crap you discover, trolling Wikipedia: On this day, not quite 100 years ago, the collier Cyclops disappeared without a trace. It remains the single largest loss of life in U.S. Naval history not directly involving combat, and it happened in the Bermuda Triangle. Two of its other four sister ships also disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle. The fourth was converted into the nation's first aircraft carrier.

So, in a genuinely bizarre twist of fate, every aircraft carrier the US has ever built is connected to a place where things are supposed to vanish without a trace.

A finer metaphor for the Federal Government simply could not exist...

Posted by scott at 03:27 PM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2013
Meanwhile, in Russia

Posted by scott at 05:19 AM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2013
Not as I Do

It looks like the US isn't the only place with religious hard-liners who have skeletons in their closet. It'd be nice to think Muslims will eventually figure out that a code of laws meant to keep starving goatherds alive doesn't apply all that well to the modern world. It'd also be nice to think I'm Warren Buffet's long-lost nephew. I'm not holding my breath over either one.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2013
Ewww

Doing flavored water all wrong: police are still searching for clues as to how a Canadian tourist ended up dead in a hotel's water tank. Bonus: it was complaints of foul-tasting water that led investigators to discover the body. All together now: GROSS!!!

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
Brilliant

All those other tweets threatening the president? Well, yeah, those were probably about Obama. But the one you arrested me for? That one was about Syria. Definitely Syria. Threatening the president is one of the few things absolutely guaranteed to be both noticed and prosecuted. It's always amusing to watch what happens to know-it-all malcontents who forget this.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2013
That's not a Croc

Well, at least this sort of thing is supposed to kill you. Since it's Australia, they've turned it into a tourist attraction and poke at it with sticks. Because, you know, if it just sits there and LOOKS deadly it's just not exciting enough.

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2013
Well Alrighty Then!

Allen approached and noted "a flesh-colored dildo" on the passenger seat, according to the report. He says that when he asked the driver what he was doing, the man replied, "Sucking on a dildo, I'm sorry."

Read the entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 07:01 PM eMail this entry!
A Very Inflated V-day Story

Many people will be taking time out today to do something special for their loved one on Valentine's.

But for one man, this means spending time with the 'love of his life' Lila - a blow-up yellow dragon.

Mark, who features in the TLC TV show My Strange Addiction, says he would even marry Lila because he loves her so much.

Read the entire article here.

Don't forget to watch the insanity on TLC's "My Strange Addiction"!

Posted by Ellen at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2013
That's a Lot of Boots

The world's largest crocodile in captivity has died. When everyone else is talking about some old German guy who wants to putter in his garden, we're bringing you the IMPORTANT news. And, really, when you think of the best place to keep an exotic, dangerous, and high-maintenance animal, why wouldn't you put a remote village in the Philippines on that list?

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2013
Denying Freefall

So, when a progressive agenda reaches its inevitable endpoint of failure, what's a liberal to do? Fix the problem? Leave quietly and let the evil conservatives do it? No! Wait! I know! We'll just deny reality outright. It's often said that madness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. I think that's a fine definition of progressives and liberals, too.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
That's... Amusing...

There's the Olympics, and then there's the Indian Rural Olympics. They feature "being run over by a tractor, carrying bricks with your teeth and cow chariot racers." No, really!

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2013
Meanwhile, in Britain

It seems official: Burger King's whoppers neighed. Meh. No wonder Ellen always gets sick eating the stuff.

Wait, what? This is only supposed to concern the UK? Well, ok then. Whatever helps YOU sleep at night.

Posted by scott at 09:49 PM eMail this entry!
Watery Doom

Dammit, another slow news day! Let's spin the Wheel 'o Sensationalism... oh, cool, that hasn't come up in awhile. Today's imminent doom is brought to you by the fresh water supply!

Ok, look, the vast majority of us live on watersheds. That means when we use fresh water all we're basically doing is slowing it down on its way to the ocean. The article claims power companies will be the main culprit for fresh water consumption. A power company will not locate a plant in a "water distressed" area, whatever the hell that means.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2013
When Sinkholes Attack

Think of it as subsidance with Chinese characteristics. With "bombs away" video!

Posted by scott at 07:39 AM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2013
But for the Grace of God...

It's official: Ellen is not the craziest cat lady in the world. Amber isn't, either. It's ok, I passed out when I heard the news, too. Let the inappropriate lesbian jokes begin!

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2013
When Indignity Attacks

Facts: A globally popular politician gives a huge cash reward to the Vatican in exchange for official recognition, in 1929. That money was carefully invested over the years and now has grown into a substantial sum. The Vatican has become extremely skilled at legally protecting its UK investments from various attempts at hyper-taxation and/or outright confiscation.

Headline: How the Vatican built a secret property empire using Mussolini's millions. I don't know why I'm surprised at the spin. Our own MSM, aka the Democratic Party's ministry of propaganda, makes these guys look like amateurs.

Posted by scott at 06:59 AM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2013
Merry Prison, Charlie Brown

The man who provided the voice of Charlie Brown for the iconic Christmas special has been jailed over a stalking charge. Because a role that he had when he was, what, 9 should determine how we look at the guy today. And, you know, link up frivolous stories like this. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by scott at 07:28 AM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2013
Electronic Dogs and the Tails that Wag Them

Netflix: Here's a neat HD service. Your provider will need to upgrade their internet connection and use this nifty box we developed to make it work.

Progressives: ZOMG!!! The Internet is under attack!

Nothing is free, people. Nothing. When someone tries to claim otherwise, watch out. They've usually got a set of shackles hidden somewhere.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
Pocket Pal

Once more, with feeling: holsters: good, pockets: bad. And that's just the first of his safety failures. I was hoping there'd be a "crime of stupidity" violation, but I think the injury is bad enough.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2013
Crime and Justice

A Turkish woman is in jail after shooting, then beheading, her rapist. Well, accused rapist, anyway. There were plenty of strange things that happened in my small town when I was growing up. A woman walking down main street carrying a severed head wasn't one of them. Although, now that I think about it, that definitely would've enlivened the day.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2013
A Burger? Neigh!

It would seem that, in the UK at least, a "bargain burger" is cheap because nearly a third of it isn't made of cow. This being the UK, the fact that the "filler" once neighed means a national moment of angst. Me? If I'm shopping for a bargain, I'm not expecting the distributor to "magically" give me a discount. It's cheap for a reason, you morons. At least it's not China. Hell they'll put lead in a burger to make the weight. That's why anyone in China who can afford it never buys Chinese. I kid you not.

Posted by scott at 07:02 PM eMail this entry!
January 16, 2013
Save That Heart!

This is definitely something Ellen would do: heart transplant patient gets the ultimate photo opportunity. How do I know? Do you really want me to count all the bits of cats she's hidden away in cabinets in this house? It makes it an adventure to go rooting around in the spice cabinet.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2013
Having Solved All Other Problems

Another day, another progressive attempt to solve a problem that doesn't even exist yet. In other news, Canada already seems to have a "Ministry of Robots and Artificial Intelligence." Well, at least this time it's not my tax dollars paying for it. Sexytime All The Robots!

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2013
Time for Fun

The shape of things to come: when you have enough people, you eventually end up with a theme park dedicated to anything. I don't actually play World of Warcraft, so I'm not sure how accurate this all is anyway. If any admission is charged at all, most Chinese won't be able to afford it. But even if only 1% can, that's still something like a million people. Economies of scale, FTW!

Posted by scott at 04:38 PM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2013
Bonk!

Ever wonder what sound a submarine makes when it bounces off another ship? You can ask the guys on this boat. They also now probably know what it sounds like when a Captain's career suddenly comes to an end. Article includes a helpful map that shows where the Persian Gulf isn't.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2013
Wrong Way Stairs

Someone needs to check the transmission on this one. This doesn't happen in DC. Our escalators don't mysteriously reverse, they maim and kill. Progress!

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
Brilliant Wang

It's official, someone has found the end of the Internet. I wonder if there's a companion judging boob size vs. intelligence? Of course, that one can be artificially enhanced.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2013
No Way

We've gone on record about the roach problem in our original apartment, but at least we weren't able to scoop them up by the spoonful. Although, in retrospect, I have a feeling that was more because roaches aren't willing to be scooped up no matter what. I mean, that roach problem really was awful. Pretty much the opposite of good times.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2012
How Do You Say, "Watch This" in Arabic?

Posted by scott at 06:09 PM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2012
Look out for Scooters!

Nice to know NOVA isn't the only place with drivers like this:

Posted by scott at 06:14 PM eMail this entry!
December 25, 2012
Our Kind of Christmas!

Posted by Ellen at 07:00 PM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2012
That's a Party!

It's all fun and games until the homemade hand grenades come out. And all this time I thought an open bar at the office Christmas party was daring. And, apparently, this is common in Thailand, a carry-over from various school rivalries.

Posted by scott at 06:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2012
Are You F'ing Kidding Me?

For some, it's not enough to simply be successful. You have to be successful in the right way, for the right reasons. This sort of criticism is something I've read about successful black people struggling with for years. I just haven't seen quite as crystal-clear an example of it in quite some time. I heartily agree with the show's host's comments:

'RG3, the ethnicity, the color of his fiancee is none of our business. It’s irrelevant,

'He can live his life any way he chooses. The braids that he has in his hair, that’s his business, that’s his life. I don’t judge someone’s blackness based on those kind of things.

'I just don’t do that. I’m not that kind of guy.'

Posted by scott at 08:46 AM eMail this entry!
Copycat

I guess, if your sample is big enough and homogenous enough, this sort of thing is inevitable. It's still pretty weird. Turns out all those stories of someone assuming someone else's identity have more to them than I thought.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2012
Preservation, Warts and All

If this article is to be believed, the old Russian practice of putting a frog in a pail of milk to keep it from going sour may actually work. Which is fine, as far as it goes. Me, I think I'll stick with good ol' pasteurization myself. But I'll be plenty happy if it somehow leads to new kinds of antibiotics.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2012
When Rat Domains Collide

And so, the endgame began: with catfish hunting pigeons. Not babies, either. Meh, I'll bet they've been doing this for as long as pigeons have been within reach. A 30% success rate is actually pretty good in the wild, from what I've read at any rate. With video!

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2012
And I Thought DC-Area Drivers Were Bad

Posted by scott at 07:24 AM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2012
Paging Steve Miller, White Courtesy Phone Please

So stop me if you've heard this one before: a Waco, Nebraska woman was recently arrested after she bragged about robbing a bank and stealing a car. No, she didn't blab to a friend, she posted a video on YouTube. High 19 year-olds tend not to have good decision making skills. At least nobody seems to have gotten hurt. And they took her kid away? Really? Ok, Florida, your turn now.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
November 29, 2012
Roadsigns of the Macabre

The summit of Everest? Sure. Take a left once you get past Green Boots. If you pass the chick with the tassel, you've gone too far. Ya know, a place that's so forbidding they have to leave your body where it dropped... well, to me that's not really an ADVERTISEMENT. Well, except maybe for crazy, or Darwin.

Posted by scott at 06:33 PM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2012
She Already Had A Big Ass

A shocking video emerged today showing a grotesque bulge in a woman's buttock apparently caused when her botched silicone implant 'flipped inside out'.

Instead giving her a smooth, plump appearance, the implant has popped out and is left protruding in an ugly disc shape at the back of her cheek.

With video goodness!

Posted by Ellen at 06:52 PM eMail this entry!
November 27, 2012
Dude. Wait, What?

21st century problems: Germany to reinstate anti-bestiality laws in an effort to shut down "erotic zoos." Not only will people eat anything that doesn't eat them first, they will also (apparently) f- anything that doesn't, well, you get the idea. Geeze. I guess there really are still guys (and I'll wager it's 99.99% guys) who haven't heard about the internet.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
Was That Wrong? Really?

A pair of Canadian thieves recently got a lesson in 21st-century trucking. This is the first time I've ever read about GPS being used in precisely this way, but I can't help but think it's one of the main reasons for installing such a system. I imagine it only costs a fraction of a whole truck, let alone its cargo.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2012
It Does A Body Good

Now, let's be clear here. Under no circumstances does "milking" make anyone in the West anywhere near as weird as even the most normal person in Asia. But it's still pretty strange. Also seems like it'd be really cold, too. When cameras became a ubiquitous option in mobile phones, I'm not sure anyone would've picked "silly picture themes" as a logical outcome.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2012
She Likes 'em Skinny

Making the rounds: a Swedish woman has been arrested for "violating the peace of the deceased" after photos of her in "sexual situations" with skeletons surfaced on the internet. Since it's the Daily Mail, you betcha that the article contains a few (SFW) examples of same. This all seems to have gone down (as it were) in September, so no idea why it's only come up (I can do this all day) just now.

Posted by scott at 07:29 AM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2012
Selling It

Just when you thought Japan had the Weirdest Country in Asia race all wrapped up, China comes roaring up on the outside lane. I'm studying this place, doing research for a new book, and it still doesn't make any sense.

Posted by scott at 07:51 AM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2012
Oh, Hurray...

Yes, actually, they are watching you. I grew up in the 70s, an era when there were only 4 channels and parents thought nothing of plunking their kids in front of whatever was the "Movie of the Week." Which seemed to include a large share of scary mannequin movies. Or at least, that's what I remember. And those giant oil paintings in the parlor room, with the eyes that... Wait... I could swear those things just... AAAGG!!!!

Posted by scott at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
Can I Get an "OUCH"?
Posted by scott at 08:19 AM eMail this entry!
I'm OK With This

Solving the real problems: San Francisco city council narrowly passes an ordinance against public nudity. But don't worry! Several exemptions were carved out to ensure winkies will wave proud during various festivals held throughout the year. Remember, folks, the vast majority of people who want to be seen naked by strangers are the last people in the world who should be seen naked by strangers.

Posted by scott at 07:24 AM eMail this entry!
When Eccentricity Attacks

An elderly California man has been arrested for murdering and dismembering his wife. Bonus: the couple were well-known in the neighborhood, she for chasing people around with a knife and walking in public without any pants, and he for a habit of cross-dressing. Not that there's anything wrong with... well, you know, except for the whole "tossing bits of the wife into trash cans" bit. That part's definitely wrong.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2012
Fake Bang

Remember that scene in Indianapolis with the houses blown apart into match sticks? There's a reason you've never seen such devastation from a simple natural gas explosion.

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
November 19, 2012
Haunted Highway

Don't think of it as a haunted highway, think of it as a ghost hotel you can drive through. Looks like someone showed up to Halloween a little late this year.

Posted by scott at 05:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2012
IBD Eww

When the cure is almost as bad as the disease: a trial with monkeys suggests a valid treatment for inflammatory bowel disease may be... worms. As in, "the kind of thing you give your dog a pill for" worms. I know IBD is a pretty awful thing, but... really? And I thought leech treatments were weird.

Posted by scott at 08:26 AM eMail this entry!
November 14, 2012
Causation Fail

Ok, yes, getting an olive oil injection probably won't do someone any good, but cancer? Really? The injection was five years ago! Seems more coincident-y to me, is all I'm sayin'. SFW.

Posted by scott at 05:47 AM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2012
Let it Go, People. Just Let it Go

An Arizona woman has been arrested for aggravated assault for allegedly hitting her husband with her car because he refused to vote. Surprisingly, "alcohol was involved" is actually NOT part of the story. I still think it was probably involved in the crime itself.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
Bow-Chikka-Bow-Wow

Old and busted: love hotels for people. New hotness: love hotels for dogs. I get it, that childless singles and couples tend to anthropomorphize their pets. Hell Ellen does that so convincingly she gives them all distinct voices. But a hotel for the pooch to get their freak on? Bah. Your money, your rules. Just don't steal the towels.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2012
Kyah-Boom!

Ever wonder what it looks like when a whole house really explodes? How about two of them? Neighborhood seems kinda upscale for there to be a meth lab involved, but stranger things have happened. Seems like the simplest answer would be a leaking gas line, but who the hell knows? With picture!

Posted by scott at 06:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2012
That's... Attractive...

And in the "just when you thought nature couldn't get any more f'd up" file, we have a parasite that substitutes itself for a fish's tongue. The article includes very helpful, and skin-crawl-inducing, pictures of the beastie. Oh, and by parasite? Yeah, not the itty-bitty ones you can barely see. Yeesh...

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2012
Car Crash

Judging by the MRI images of her injury, F-1 test driver Maria de Villota is indeed lucky to be alive. From what I've gathered from the autopsy reports of Indycar driver Dan Wheldon's fatal accident last year, this is very similar to what his injuries looked like. Only he was going about 120 mph when he hit. Anyway, if Alex Zenardi can have a race career without his legs, I can't help but hope Ms. de Villota will be able to persevere with her injury.

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
On a Hook

Remember that Bentley stuck somewhere downtown when Sandy hit? I'm betting this is the one. It's probably just as well he's not being all that careful with it. There's probably not that much left to salvage.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2012
Whee!!!

It's one thing when the mean drunk is a big guy with an attitude. It's something else entirely when the thing with the mean attitude weighs north of two tons.

Posted by scott at 12:49 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2012
How About "No"

And now, tarantual cakes. And by "cakes," I'm not talking about a big round one with a frosting spider. I'm talking about a full-on correct and to-scale version of a common nightmare that just happens to be a bit more edible than the original. And it ain't cheap, either.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2012
Fancy Boom

To be fair, it's not like they're submarines or anything. You haven't been able to submerge a conventional car and get away with it in at least thirty, more likely forty, years. The catching fire and exploding part is a new feature, though.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2012
That's Some Accident

A nurse in Brazil is accused of manslaughter after she killed someone with a coffee injection. That's right, coffee straight into an IV line. This one doesn't even pass the smell test for me, and I'm more gullible than most. Something tells me it was time for gramma to go and someone "arranged" this little accident. But that's just my opinion.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2012
Well, At Least it was Quck

"Ok... a little to the left... Now two steps forward... One step to the right... Now, hold still!" Subtlety has never been the strong suit of "Best Korea."

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2012
Knock 'em Around

I only thought this sort of thing happened in the South: a pee-wee football game in central Massachusetts saw five players out with concussions, two coaches fired, and all the officials suspended. Ta-da! There's definitely something weird going on here. I have a feeling we're not hearing the entire story.

Posted by scott at 07:18 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2012
They Forgot the Calumny!

Experiment: dump 100 tons of iron dust in a remote part of the ocean, and watch what happens when the algae come a'callin'.

Observation: Climate change scientists should stop relying on press releases from interest groups to get their news. And I thought anthropologists were the ultimate reactionary turf warriors.

Update: link fixed!

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
Like We Didn't Have Enough to Worry About

Today's "wheel o' sensationalism" brings us news that... [spins]... crows are gonna kill us. Well, ok, this particular article is actually on the low scale of "ZOMG!!!", but really. If crows actually were a deadly threat, you'd think they would've killed us all long before now.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2012
Weird is as Weird Does

This collection of 77 "creepy" old photos seems to be heavy on the Russian stuff, which will pretty much automatically make them seem weird to us. That said, there are definitely some strange things going on in there. Two are very marginally NSFW.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2012
EWW!!!

All those times your mom said your room was a pigsty? Now you have a few counter-examples. Who the heck just drops cigarette butts on a keyboard, anyway? I've actually run into a few keyboards about that nasty. None of them were mine. Ellen doesn't gross them up, she just destroys them, usually 2-3 per year.

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2012
Yummy!

Today's entry in the "women will put anything on their face if it's called a beauty product" comes to us courtesy of a Frenchmen's favorite mollusk. I dunno. Your money, your face. Put whatever you want on it. And someone please pick Ron up. It's so annoying when he passes out giggling.

Posted by scott at 04:45 PM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2012
Now That's a Mutant Turtle

Just when you thought nature was done being all weird and stuff, along comes a turtle that pees through its mouth. I think it's at least as interesting that scientists are only figuring this out right now. Useless information? Who knows. Seems worth it just for the "ick" factor.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2012
Ok, That's Nasty

A man involved in a live roach eating contest has subsequently died. Grim death with a macabre twist that doesn't actually make sense and would probably make you sick if you thought about it too much? You'll just have to guess which US state this happened in.

Posted by scott at 07:29 AM eMail this entry!
The Advantage of Cast Iron

This is why you don't want cheap cookware: a man was treated and released at the scene after his wife hit him twice in the head with a frying pan. If anyone got hit in the head with our cast-iron Lodge, they would absolutely not be treated at the scene. Well, unless it was for prepping the body's trip to the morgue. I'm just sayin'...

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2012
Oh Noes!

Today's "ERMERGERD, DANGUR!!!" warning will be (spins Wheel o' Sensationalism) ... too much caffeine. It's as if millions of adults suddenly cried out in terror, and then grumbled through the rest of their day. Or, you know, just went blind anyway.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2012
Fire!

You know when they say a risk of hoarding is the fire hazard? They're not kidding. As long as cats don't burn well, Ellen's future life as a hoarder will likely be safe.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2012
Eyes Wide Shut

Today's "freaky teen recreating an anime look" comes to us from the Ukraine. At first I thought she was using the old "giant eyes painted on the eyelids" technique, but the included video makes me think she's using contact lenses. When they're that much bigger than the iris, they're supposed to be really really uncomfortable.

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
You Have To Ask This Question?

I'm thinking this one falls into the "yes" category: are there risks in becoming a 'bagel head?' Bonus: apparently this has all come to the attention of the MSM because of an episode of a National Geographic documentary series, Taboo. Which Ellen has on season pass. Probably going to give it a pass, anyway. Oh, and there's a video clip featured with the article. Blech...

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
Farmer Ted, Farmer Dead

I think that'll be a closed casket service: police are facing an uphill battle to try and figure out what killed a local farmer. The investigation is complicated by the fact his pigs ate most of his body. Yeah. I'm calling it "revenge bacon" now.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2012
Yeeowch

Sometimes it's a rejuvenation, other times things don't work out all that well. Me, I'm of the opinion stickin' needles in the face is generally a bad idea all around, but I'm a guy. I've never completely understood the lengths some women go to in an effort to look good.

Posted by scott at 07:16 AM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2012
Bang a Drum

Shades of Spinal Tap: a band's drummer had a heart attack and died on stage. Yes, yes, it was a disco band, get yer hate all out first. At any rate, now that so many rock groups are approaching their... "golden years," I wouldn't be surprised to find this happening more and more often.

Posted by scott at 07:15 AM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2012
Playin' With Your Head

And coming up on the outside of the "Weirdest Country in Asia Derby" we have perennial favorite... Japan! At least this seems to be temporary, but it IS Japan. I'm expecting to see middle-aged Asians with sagging brows in a few years if this trend catches on.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2012
A Helping Hand

A hospital in China is taking the problem of inadequate sperm donors seriously. Hands free! It's not completely clear to me if this is some sort of catheter thing or yet another "helping hand." Personally, it makes me think of one of those milking machines farmer use. To which I must say, no thanks!

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2012
That's Not Good

Point taken: if you have a chance to avoid road debris, take it. Especially if you're in Russia. And what is it about Russia, anyway? Have they got some sort of requirement to have a dash cam in ever single vehicle on the road? That's what it seems like!

Posted by scott at 12:02 PM eMail this entry!
What a Guy

I'll take fake explosives and a party dress, for the win! The perpetrator was experiencing "mental issues?" You don't say!

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2012
You're Doing it Wrong

Most car jackers use guns, knives, and other weapons. And then there's this guy. "Influenced by an unknown substance." You don't say?

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
September 20, 2012
Wuv, Twoo Wuv...

Sometimes it's hard to improve on the Fark headline: Man arrested for doing something that we've all contemplated at some point. But that's never happened to me. Nope, not at all. My story, let me show you it...

Posted by scott at 05:45 AM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2012
This Isn't the Economy You're Looking For

It looks like they're really starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel to get all the undecideds not to notice the huge unemployment numbers, sky-high prices, and flash-fried ambassadors: The Obama administration is emphatically denying any plans to invade Canada. I dunno. You all do realize that something like 80% of the population of Canada lives just a few hours away from our border, right?

Posted by scott at 04:34 PM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2012
Dumbass, Indeed

Hey, did you know using a car to spin up a playground turntable might be dangerous? Since he was 20, I'm thinking he probably didn't leave behind a family, but since it's Germany that's not guaranteed. I haven't sen the video. I wonder if he wore a helmet?

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
September 07, 2012
Sleep Well Tonight

If the Daily Mail is to be believed, contact lens wearers are in a lot of trouble. I was always under the impression people were supposed to use a special cleaning solution instead of tap water. But, don't despair! Swimming in a pool supposedly exposes you, as well. Sensationalism? In my media? It's more likely than you think.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2012
Get the Sieve

You'd think this would happen more often: a Chinese visitor to a Sri Lanka gem exhibit has been arrested after being accused of swallowing a $13,000 diamond. Then again, who puts on an exhibit of gems that allows visitors to, you know, touch them and stuff? And it could've had a pointy bit on it, too. Ah, well. I wonder who's ticked off the chief of police lately? I think they're about to get a really crappy job.

Posted by scott at 04:40 PM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2012
That's a Party

Maybe if the executives at my company did this, they'd be happier: the executives of an Australian trucking company have been warned after an incident involving aprons depicting penises and simulated sex with a toy donkey. Then again, I've seen our executives. It probably wouldn't do them much good.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2012
Welcome to The Land of the Lawsuit Ride. Keep Hands and Feet in at All Times

Event: idiotic airline employees find a sex toy in someone's luggage, dip it in axle grease, and then attach it to the bag it was found in before sending it up the luggage ramp. Result: ORMERGORSH! HRT CRIME! Ok, first, I got no idea how the plaintiffs have managed to prove the employees in question had any idea a gay couple owned the luggage. Second, axle grease is, by definition, slick. I really don't get how the tape would hold all that well. But who knows.

Regardless, having something weird and embarrassing happen to you in front of a group of strangers who will almost certainly never see you again in a million years in no way shape or form constitutes a hate crime which caused "negligence, emotional trauma and privacy violations directed at them because of their sexual orientation." But hey, this is America. That's just how we roll.

Posted by scott at 12:53 PM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2012
Karma's a B-

Steal a phone, get ebola. I'm all for punishment suiting the crime, but a fatal disease for a stolen phone seems a little much. Ellen, who treats her phone as only slightly less important than her child, would likely disagree.

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2012
Ok, Who Saw This Coming

Good: Ban plastic bags! They are the Devil Capitalists work! Go green instead! Re-useable bags for all!

Bad: Drop dead from food poisoning.

I have to admit, outright death is definitely one of the more extreme of the greens' "bad luck." Not completely unexpected, just extreme. And wash your damned grocery bags, you dirty hippie!

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
Art Fail

Me, I don't mail anything all that valuable to begin with, but you'd think someone at an art gallery would know better. The rules are probably different in Norway. It's probably a lot easier to successfully file a claim, which makes the insurance more expensive. That's all I can think of, anyway.

Posted by scott at 09:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2012
When Goats Attack

A federal judge has recently dismissed most of the claims in a wrongful death lawsuit over a fatal goat attack in a national park in Washington state. Yeah, let's roll that around the ol' noggin for a bit. Fatal goat attack. And now we watch Ellen scramble to explain why we need goats. Well of course she wants them, this is Ellen we're talking about here.

Posted by scott at 09:36 AM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2012
Boom!

Alcohol, unsurprisingly, was involved. Holding a flame to a vent on a port-a-pottie filled with gasoline would seem to be a "you're standing too close" sort of moment, but there's no mention of any injuries. Puts a whole new meaning to the phrase "stink bomb," I'll give you that.

Posted by scott at 11:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2012
Gotta Love Little Boys

And in the, "I'm so very glad mine has grown past this stage," we have the case of the little boy who had a toy car wheel stuck up his nose, for three years. The worst Olivia managed to do was stuff a VCR full of cheese balls. Nowadays she wouldn't recognize a VCR if it bit her. Or, you know, something.

Posted by scott at 01:39 PM eMail this entry!
August 18, 2012
Ariel and Her Mermaids

They're not so little any more: a new ad created for a Venezuelan plastic surgery company has Little Mermaid's Ariel recovering from an encounter with Ursula with... enhancements. If the article is to be believed, they did this without a proper license agreement from Disney. Can you say "cease and desist notice?" I knew you could.

Posted by scott at 07:29 AM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2012
Jigsaw People

Only in Detroit: police have released pictures of tattoos found on human body parts discovered by maintenance workers in a Detroit sewer pipe. De-boned, no less. Judging by the tats, I'm thinking "drug lord dumping ground," but what do I know?

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
Don't Worry Scott! This Will NEVER Happen!

I am not surprised that this is going to be a new trend.

NSFW!

Posted by Ellen at 07:48 AM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2012
What's Going On Here?

Another day, another guy getting shot in the ass. So, unintended consequence of concealed carry laws, a statistical clustering of dumbass outbreaks, or just the same stuff on a different day? You decide.

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
August 14, 2012
Behold The Great Squirrel Hunter

Ah, but you see, it didn't happen in the South: a New Hampshire man is recuperating in the hospital after shooting himself in the butt. No, really, that's what he did! He claims to have been hunting a squirrel. No, it doesn't make all that much sense to me, either, but since he's not dead it's not like he was doing anything unnatural with the weapon. I hope.

Posted by scott at 11:40 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2012
How... Comforting...

Happy Monday morning: if a Chinese paper is to be believed, a woman recently spent five days with a spider in her ear. And that's a lovely picture they've got there, too. Hey, it's not like I posted this up just before bed!

Posted by scott at 06:20 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2012
Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Worse

... it gets worse. With 442 years of jail time on the dock, you'd think he'd be more than willing to give up the guys he "helped." Of course, it's not like his moral compass points the right direction to begin with. I'm pretty sure it doesn't have an arrow at all.

Posted by scott at 01:20 PM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2012
When Gophers Attack

Not news: driver dies in single-car crash. News: caused by road collapse triggered by gopher holes. All you people living out in the country, have a nice drive home this afternoon.

Posted by Ellen at 10:35 AM eMail this entry!
August 03, 2012
Ta-Da!

There's laughing so hard you cry, and then there's laughing so hard you swallow a butter knife. Yeah, you heard me, butter knife. Had to do with her proving she had no gag refle... Oh, stop it. Stop it! I will not abide your inane giggling!

Posted by scott at 11:13 AM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2012
Poetic Wha???

I'm divided on this one. Either it's brilliant satire, or yet another example of what happens when a bi-polar wobbles off his meds and into a manic fugue. It could go either way. Heck, it may be both at the same time. Seems like it's been out there a long time, too. But since I'd never seen it before, important people didn't know about it. So there!

Posted by scott at 12:59 PM eMail this entry!
Teddy Bear Terror

Pop quiz: When you want to call attention to a nearby despotic government do you a) stage a protest, b) start a campaign, or c) risk getting your butt shot off air-dropping teddy bears on the place? Fortunately this is one of the last of the Stalinist states, so the guys who ran the air defense were off drunk or whoring or something, so our intrepid protestors managed to get away with it. I'd like to think they're both sleeping on the couch for awhile, though. I'd be lucky to be in just that much trouble, were I in their shoes.

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2012
Ka-POW!

I guess we'll call this one: Bird: 1, Airplane: 1. I think it looks so bad because the strike was in JUST the right spot. The nosecone of modern airliners is a thin composite, because of the radar living behind it.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2012
Well That's Great to Hear

Just in time for Christmas: Ebola has traveled to the capital of Uganda. Still as nasty and deadly as it was fifteen years ago, but with the frisson of Mayan doomsday predictions in the air. Of all the ways to go, getting killed by bleeding out of every available orifice is... well, it's dead last. As it were.

Posted by scott at 11:46 AM eMail this entry!
Butt Bang

It's nice to know the US does not hold a monopoly on stupid drunk men. The worst I ever did was fire bottle rockets from my hand, and even that was twenty years ago. Thank you, Jackass, for giving idiots all over the world this wonderful idea.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2012
Explain THAT One To Your Adjuster

It turns out cars have become safe enough to fall five stories and protect their occupants. Fortunately nobody seems to have been seriously injured. And that, folks, is yet another reason it's a dumb idea to try to drive a private car in Manhattan.

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2012
Make An Example of It

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this. Some of them actually work!

Posted by scott at 11:35 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2012
Just What I Always Wanted

What better way to remember a loved one than an urn shaped like their severed head? I guess I should feel lucky they don't do cats. Otherwise my house would be filled with the darned things. And, boy, wouldn't THAT be something to stare at you at 5 AM in your underwear?

Posted by scott at 07:47 AM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2012
When Rides Attack

I'm not sure it's possible to say "ouch" enough to cover this one: Swedish man is severely injured when the tow hitch on a children's ride bulls-eyes his backside. From the article, it doesn't *sound* like he was trying to creatively get his jollies off, but weirder things have happened. I think.

Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2012
Everyone Needs to Collect Something

This just in: some nutter has paid somewhere north of $350 for a slice of toast from Prince Charles' wedding. You know, 31 years ago. I tell you, for that kind of cash there better be a savior's face on the food, s'all I'm sayin'...

Posted by scott at 06:09 PM eMail this entry!
July 20, 2012
Baaa

What in the world is this country coming to? It's getting so's a man can't even dress up as a goat and run with wild herds without worryin' 'bout gettin' shot anymore. Also, goatse.

Posted by scott at 04:09 PM eMail this entry!
July 18, 2012
Mind the Gap

I bet this made everyone's visit to the Smithsonian more memorable. My sister-in-law, Nina, used to be terrified of escalators, which was a problem since the DC Metro system has more of them than any other place in the country. I made sure to tell her that over the years only a few people had been killed on Metro's escalators. She didn't seem to find that comforting.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2012
I Think You Might Need That

A UK motorist has joined the Film Hall of Shame after being taped driving through an English city in a car with only one front wheel. Luckily nobody got hurt. I also thought it was funny the cop seemed to hit his door locks just after climbing out. Loseyourcarmuch?

Posted by scott at 02:39 PM eMail this entry!
Very Classy

Anyone who is, like myself, scarred by... ahem... "experienced in" fast food restaurant employment knows the Angry Assistant Manager, and the Violent Sociopath Cook. These are the positions bullies achieve when they graduate high school but haven't slid into military service yet. Most of the time nobody ever calls them, really calls them, on the crap they pull. I'm very happy to say that, this time, they've been well and truly caught.

Yes, it's Paris (natch), and so far he hasn't got much traction on the incident. But the dude's got the photographs to prove his case, and now he's starting to get national attention. Unfortunately this is obviously France, home and heart to the ultimate of progressive ideals, so it'll likely be impossible to fire these ignorant idiots. Because we don't want the oppressive, giant multinational to exploit the lowly shift worker by SIMPLY firing them. The employer must prove, and prove again, and again, and AGAIN, that there is cause. Workers have rights! They must not be abridged!

Posted by scott at 09:08 AM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2012
Speaking of Too Much Time...

So now an artist has created genetically engineered mice which (supposedly) incorporate DNA from Elvis Presley. Ok, a) W. T. F., and b) WHO THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO LET ARTISTS PLAY WITH GENETICS?!? I mean, really...

Posted by scott at 04:32 PM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2012
July 12, 2012
Biology Fail

Dog bites man: wild turtles are spreading salmonella to the public. Man bites dog: turtles are amphibians. In case they change the article, the direct quote is "The outbreak is slow-moving, like the lumbering amphibians themselves." Hooray for New Jersey!

Posted by scott at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2012
Sounds Like a Fun Time

Ever wonder what would happen if a know-it-all broad sat in a comedy club with a far from politically correct comedian on the stage? Wonder no more. It takes a certain size of balls to be rude out loud in a place where it'll disturb other people. Rape is also not something I'd think would be the subject of jokes. In other words, I think everyone in the situation got exactly what they deserved.

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
Bad Zombie Blood

Products in the 21st century: a novelty company is suing a food processing company because their Zombie Bloodtm spoiled faster than predicted. No, really. Because everyone knows something that's bright green and comes in a clear IV bag-like package is going to be good forever, right?

Posted by scott at 01:23 PM eMail this entry!
Riiiiiight...

The Church Of Scientology allegedly believes it's most famous celebrity convert Tom Cruise has telekinetic and telepathic powers, it has been reported. Tom, 50, is the most famous follower of the religion and an investigation by Rolling Stone back in 2006 revealed that he had reached an advanced level of Scientology and was known as an ‘Operating Thetan’ or an ‘OT’.

‘OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behaviour of, both animals and human beings.’

Tom, who is understood to be at the advanced stage of OT VII, has practised the religion for 30 years and therefore has allegedly reached a rarefied state of enlightenment after travelling what is known as the Bridge to Total Freedom.

If you have the $$ you can buy yourself Total Freedom. All I have ever heard was how much money you had to put into this company to be enlightened. Crazy. Bat shit crazy.

Posted by Ellen at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2012
It's a Best World After All

It looks like North Korea has decided to kidnap Disneyland. I've read about half a dozen books about this place, each one enforcing the idea that this place is much weirder than your wildest fantasy. This definitely means something, but it certainly isn't what WaPo, or probably even the State Department, thinks it means.

Posted by scott at 12:24 PM eMail this entry!
Octo Octo Oi Oi Oi!

Look out, Australia, Nadia Suleman may be heading your way. She's apparently got family down there, which means she might have a place to stay. Then again, we're talking fifteen people, most of whom are under the age of 4. Hell, how does she even afford the air fare?

Posted by scott at 08:29 AM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2012
Tent Lift

For yet another view of just how quick and violent the (what they now seem to be calling) 'derecho' storm was last Friday, how about this security video? That's Winchester, VA, *far* to the west of our place. And we slept through it!

Posted by scott at 02:40 PM eMail this entry!
July 03, 2012
AAIIEEEEYAAA!!!!

Sometimes, the idiot who's not paying attention to the road gets exactly what they deserve.

Via Honor Among Thieves.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
When Old Coots Attack

A Madison, Wisconsin atheist group has decided to complain about a 10% discount a Pennsylvania restaurant gives to people who bring in a current church flyer. Such are the things one must tolerate in a free society such as ours. Otherwise these kinds of people* end up fronting political parties and complaining about Jews, and we all know how that song ends.

-----
* Kooks, not atheists.

Posted by scott at 09:02 AM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2012
Makeup Madness
Posted by scott at 01:33 PM eMail this entry!
What's Next? A Herring?

A Texas inmate in county lockup has managed to off himself with a plastic spoon. The arrest was for misdemeanor charges, which should've seen him out of the pokey pretty rapidly, but SOMETHING happened to get him in lockdown. You'd think there'd be cameras to keep an eye on this sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 09:16 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2012
Resurface

The Air Force has rediscovered the wreckage of a plane that crashed in 1952 with, weirdly, 52 people on board. They'd plotted the wreckage right after the crash, but lost it again after it got buried by storms.

Posted by scott at 01:03 PM eMail this entry!
June 27, 2012
Boom

Problem: meddlesome nanny-state low flush toilets don't work worth a damn.

Solution: PRESSURE

Unintended consequence: EXPLODING PRESSURIZED TOILETS!!!

Posted by scott at 01:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2012
Fun with Stalkers

Dog bites man: a guy with no job who lives with his grandmother gets tricked online by a different guy into thinking a South African hottie is in love with him. Man bites dog: he sets out to kill the girl in the pictures sent to him. Why, yes, he was taken to a mental hospital after he was stopped, how perceptive of you!

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
June 25, 2012
Pretty sure This Violates the HOA Agreement
Posted by scott at 01:50 PM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2012
Car Hack

Those Chinese are at it again, this time cloning an Alfa Romeo. Well, someone needs to pick up the "pretty but flimsy" flag now that (apparently) the Fiat group has left it behind.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2012
For Serial

A man colorfully known as "The Dating Game Serial Killer" has been accused of two murders in New York City. The connection is apparently that he appeared on the game show a year before he was arrested for other murders in California back in the late 70s. Since he's been in jail ever since, it won't take a killer off the streets, but perhaps it will give the victims' families some closure.

Posted by scott at 12:13 PM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2012
Juicing the Horse

And the latest attempt to tilt the odds of a high-stakes sport involves horse racing and frog juice. Yes, you heard me, frog juice. Look, I wasn't the one who made it up, they did! Juicy frogs!

Posted by scott at 04:22 PM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2012
Devil in the Details

Now, I know this will be shocking to you, so sit down and hold your breath: the Obama administration's DREAM decree isn't exactly what it was said to be. "They said, if I voted for John McCain..."

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2012
Your Thought for the Day

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2012
Serious Cubits

Presenting The Dimensions of Paradise and the Sacred Cubit, wherein we explore the mathematics of heaven. I think. There sure is an awful lot of math in there, and he says "New Jerusalem" a lot. At least it's basic math. God apparently isn't all that into calculus. Maybe that explains black holes?

Posted by scott at 02:07 PM eMail this entry!
ORLY?

Pravda is on the case: America's dominance is due to manipulation, wealth, and Kim Kardashian. No, really! Not surprisingly, the man who's come to this conclusion is from the Arab world. How else explain how one can substitute "America" with "The Jews" and have it still make complete sense? One would think this foil-hattery was just the beliefs of a single kook. In my opinion, though, if we were to make people who really believe this actually wear foil hats, it would be impossible to look at the Middle East without a welding mask.

Posted by scott at 11:12 AM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2012
No WAI!

Reason #452 why I don't want to try seafood: a Korean woman got inseminated by improperly cooked squid. "She spat out the food in her mouth, but still had a "pricking and foreign-body sensation" in her oral cavity." [[SHUDDER]]

Posted by scott at 02:43 PM eMail this entry!
Definitely Not A Disney Show

A civics teacher is in trouble for showing an incredibly graphic video of a murder and dismemberment to his class. The guy warned the students, who seemed to be junior and senior level in high school, took a survey of who did and didn't want to see it, and offered an out for those who didn't. I think his main mistake was not notifying the parents, but it's not a huge mistake, IMO. We let teens that old drive cars, they're definitely old enough to make a judgment about something like this.

That said, during one of my cultural anthropology courses when I was, as I recall, a sophomore in college, we got shown a film which graphically depicted the ritual slaughter and butchering of a pig. Lots of warning was given, and as I recall some students didn't actually attend. Even then, at least two got so upset they had to leave (in tears, naturally), and the professor was visibly embarrassed by it all. Which is to say being warned something is horrible is not the same thing as actually witnessing something horrible.

It's a pretty questionable judgement call, I think. But if the guy is otherwise an upstanding, high-performing, and popular teacher, I'm not sure he should face any serious discipline over the incident.

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2012
That's... Not Good

Posted by scott at 02:40 PM eMail this entry!
To Serve and Protect

Sometimes there's no way to improve the lede: "A jury has awarded a Georgia woman $3 million over her husband's heart attack, finding that his doctor should have warned the Atlanta cop against strenuous activity like the three-way sex he was having at the time he died, WXIA-TV reports." Decline and fall of Western Civilization, chapter 26.

Posted by scott at 01:09 PM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2012
Cycle, Fly

Agreed: when teaching someone how to ride a motorcycle, it's better to choose a place that's on the ground. Heck, I wouldn't teach someone how to use a car's stick shift, let alone something that can actively toss a person off the seat.

Posted by scott at 06:08 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2012
It Happens to the Best of Us

Shades of Home Alone: a child was accidentally left behind in a UK pub during a crowded and confused party break-up. Oh, did we mention the kid belonged to the Prime Minister? Eight years old is definitely old enough to stay out of trouble and get help rolling in the right direction, which she did. The kid even managed to help out.

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2012
Awkward!

It's all fun and games until they have to use an angle grinder to cut the ring off your junk. Bonus: You'd think a guy less than a year from his 70th birthday would know better. Then again, hey, go grandpa! (SFW)

Posted by scott at 11:03 AM eMail this entry!
June 08, 2012
When Ostriches Attack

No, really: when ostriches attack! That pretty much defines every little kid's real-life nightmare right there. Fortunately nobody got kicked, and it looks like the bird ended up fine as well.

Posted by scott at 02:30 PM eMail this entry!
June 07, 2012
Paging Otis Redding, White Courtesy Phone Please

A dock so big it was at first mistaken for a barge recently washed up on an Oregon shore. So what? It floated all the way from Japan. The article includes an illustration of where the "bulk of debris" is which, if it's to scale, makes it look like you'll soon be able to walk most of the way to Japan from the West Coast.

Posted by scott at 12:44 PM eMail this entry!
LolWhut?

And in the "people will do anything to get high" file we have scorpions. Yes, scorpions. Seems they cut the tails off, crush 'em up, and smoke the powder. You'd think it wasn't all that big of a deal, since lots of Chinese people eat the damned things all the time. Me, I think I'll stick to good ol' beer and wine, thankyouverymuch.

Posted by scott at 08:27 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2012
Copycat Dragon

Chinese piracy has reached a whole new level now that a developer has duplicated an entire Austrian town. Since I'm pretty sure copyrighting geography hadn't actually occurred to anyone writing treaties, it's technically not illegal. This, of course, has not prevented at least some residents of The Village, Actual from being upset, but not so much they skipped the premiere of the copy.

Sorry, though. That Japanese guy who served his junk for dinner is still the gold-standard of Asian weirdness.

Posted by scott at 12:59 PM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2012
That Can't Be Good

It's all fun and games at the wedding until the sprinklers start to explode. We just returned from a really nice wedding this weekend, and I'm happy to say no fire sprinklers were involved. Eww!

Posted by scott at 08:35 AM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2012
Bursting Mystery

Scientists have discovered evidence of a radiation burst 'round about 775 AD. The problem is the only record of it is in tree rings. Nobody else seems to have noticed it, and apparently it was plenty big enough to notice. Certainly an emperor or pope must've dropped dead for no reason 'round about then?

Posted by scott at 05:01 PM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2012
Fun with Sheep

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder in Australia, it starts raining sheep. No, I'm not kidding. I'm pretty sure those splashes aren't very nice. Yeah, and try explaining that one to the insurance adjuster, too.

Posted by scott at 12:37 PM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2012
Ta-Da!

Ok, tell me if you've heard this one: two chicks start to push a dead Jetta down a steep hill... It's really pretty surprising how fast a car can get away from you in a situation like that. Fortunately it seems the only serious injuries happened to the house. Hopefully pictures will be soon to follow!

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
May 30, 2012
Chest-Thumping: You're Doing It Wrong

A Minnesota man is in critical condition after an illegal firework backfired and buried itself in his chest. Fortunately it didn't actually explode, otherwise I think they'd be picking bits of him out of the trees.

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2012
Take That!

When they tried to approach him, the man allegedly threw some of his skin and intestines at officers, Heinemann added.

He refused to drop the kitchen knife and allegedly began swinging it at officers.

'The scene was a bloody mess,' a police official said. 'The SWAT team had to be decontaminated due to the amount of blood.'

Read entire bloody article here.

Posted by Ellen at 07:15 PM eMail this entry!
Glow Tuna

Those of you who bet on "wind" or "water" as the answer to, "how will radiation from Fukushima first make its way to the West Coast?" ... tear up your tickets. Those of you who picked "fish," however, can come collect your prize. Good thing I don't eat the stuff!

Posted by scott at 01:27 PM eMail this entry!
May 28, 2012
Dude... I Mean... **DUDE!!!**

And here come the Japanese pushing strong on the outside rail during the Asians are Just Weird Derby: a Japanese man recently held a banquet that had his junk as the main course. No, really. All those times when I picked the Chinese, or the Thais, or the Vietnamese as the weirdest Asian country? Yeah, if I could have those chips back I'd appreciate it.

Posted by scott at 06:32 PM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2012
That's Lovely

Chinese police have detained a young couple who hit granny with their car, and then buried her alive at a construction site to hide the evidence. See? It's not just Americans who get liquored up and then do something heinous. It reads like the start of some damned horror movie. Zombie grammas!

Posted by scott at 12:16 PM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2012
That's an Image I Didn't Need

In today's "slow news day, Ed" file we have "Gummy Bear breast implants". Yes, that's what I said. Apparently it's some sort of new material that vaguely resembles what the popular chewy candies are made of. Me, I give a golf clap to the doctor who thought to put that in the press release. Free publicity, FTW!

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2012
Na-What?!?

Why have a va-cation when you can have a na-cation instead? Look, you want to go somewhere and wander around starkers, I guess that's your right. It ain't for me, and if a travel agent tries pitching it I may pitch them out a window.

Posted by scott at 12:21 PM eMail this entry!
Arby's Is Still Around?

The piece appeared to be the back of a finger, including the pad and extending beyond the first knuckle, said Vail and her friend, Joe Wheaton, who accompanied Vail and Ryan on Friday to Arby’s on N. West Avenue. Vail and Wheaton estimated the portion was about an eighth to a quarter inch thick and maybe an inch or more long.

This would scar me from eating out at fast food places for life.

Posted by Ellen at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2012
Sign Here

I guess I'm happy that nobody this famous ever signed one of my yearbooks. I grew up in a small town, though. Kind of a "law of averages" sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2012
Incident Report

Oh Lord, bless this, thy Wikipedia without which I would never have known about the Dyatlov Pass Incident, a mystery so incredibly creepy to me it took three tries just to get through the "Wikipedia dry-as-dust" article. Wandering campers, radiation, mysterious injuries, and enigmatic photographs, this story has 'em all. Think Blair Witch, only real, and, you know... Russified.

Posted by scott at 02:16 PM eMail this entry!
Flaming Fail

Taking that whole "blazing speed" all wrong: a fire in an F-1 garage has the organization re-examining safety and storage procedures. An hour after their first win in almost eight years, something in the Williams garage caught fire and basically destroyed it. Fortunately nobody was seriously injured.

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
Brilliant!

Making the rounds: a Chinese developer decided to upgrade an existing apartment block with an underground parking garage. And yes, even in the US it's considered a "best practice" to dig a big hole BEFORE you put a heavy building on top of it. Nope, I wouldn't want to live in a Chinese-built apartment that this was happening to, either.

Posted by scott at 06:20 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2012
Party Like It's 1917

Oh yes, by all means, the Tea Party is absolutely violent menace haunting the country. I know I'm not changing anyone's mind. Four years of "bad luck" has done that job far better than I ever could. See you this November!

Posted by scott at 12:00 PM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2012
Guns Guns Guns!

Steal your iPhone? that's a shootin'. What's not clear from the article is whether or not they'd managed to find the right room. That'd be just my luck, chilling in a Super 8 and having some maniac shoot the room up looking for the hooker who stole his phone. Ellen, on the other hand... well, to be honest she never lets her phone get far enough away from her for it to be stolen. The external heart has a distance function, it seems.

Posted by scott at 12:29 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2012
You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Making the rounds: it's pretty scary to catch a big great white shark on your line; it's scarier still when a bigger shark starts nibbling on it. Pictures are gruesome but not overly so. As if I needed any more reasons to stay out of the waters off an Australian beach...

Posted by scott at 12:05 PM eMail this entry!
Awkward!

Well, I guess if your two wives have to meet each other and your girlfriend, then having it happen at your funeral is the way to go. Bonus: they each brought one of his kids to the ceremony, and now everyone's fighting over who gets what.

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2012
Was That Wrong? Should I Not Do That?

Our parents threatened, these parents went through with it: couple arrested after 911 call reporting them strapping their kids to the hood of a car. Worst my dad ever did was force us into the back of a pickup truck, which contained a redneck set of seats (with seatbelts) for just such an occasion. I think he got them from a boat or something. Good times!

Posted by scott at 12:09 PM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2012
Cholo-oh-no!

The end is nigh: Japanese "Lolita fashion" is taking hold in Mexico. A fashion developed for rich, spoiled, stick-thin girls to impress twisted old Asian men, transplanted to good middle-class Catholic girls with healthy appetites. Yeah. Can you say, "poor fit?" I knew you could...

Posted by scott at 05:30 PM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2012
Clong!!!

A Greeneville, Tennessee man has been reported as defending his sister from an attacker by killing him with... a frying pan. I've had a 12" cast-iron Lodge frying pan for about twelve years now. I think it weighs north of seven pounds. If I got a good swing going I have no doubt the thing would crush a skull like an egg. So, let's all file this one under, "they only get up from a hit like that in the cartoons" file, and move on.

Posted by scott at 08:14 AM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2012
*Squawk* *Glug* *NOM*

That'll be Octopus: 1, Sky Rat: 0. Apparently these things can weigh upwards of 150 lbs full-grown, so it's more than capable of taking down a rat with wings. Heck, I'm still a little puzzled why they don't take the occasional diver.

Posted by scott at 06:02 PM eMail this entry!
Death Metal: You're Doing It Wrong

An Austin, Texas man has been arrested for murder using an electric guitar. Not surprisingly, alcohol and unwanted sexual advances were involved. No, I'm not saying that makes it OK, quite the opposite. People need to learn to keep their hands to themselves and back the hell off when told.

Posted by scott at 08:32 AM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2012
What's Worse Than a Sunburn?

I'm pretty sure SPF 100 won't do much good here: two teen girls who fell asleep while (apparently) sunbathing in the middle of a road had to be taken to a hospital after getting hit by a car. Bonus: it was the cousin of one of the girls who ran them over. Just when you thought teenagers couldn't get any dumber...

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

An Australian billionaire has announced the intention to build "Titanic-II." Billed as the ultimate "retro-mod," the ship is meant to be externally identical to the original, albeit with a proper number of lifeboats. It's not clear just how faithful the interior design will be, since the demand for rustic six-to-a-cabin 3rd class bunking has rather declined in the past 100 years.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
April 26, 2012
Yeah, They're Totally Enlightened

A series of reforms in Egypt makes it legal for a husband to have sex with his dead wife for up to six hours after death. Remember how Bill Engvall made fun of stupid signs because you knew people were doing them? Yeah, about that.

Can I get a, "EWWW GROSS!!!" around here?

Posted by Ellen at 06:01 PM eMail this entry!
Ouch Ouch Ouch

It's all fun and games until someone tries to bite your willy off. I'm calling shenanigans on this one. I've been in my fair share of arguments with ladies over the years, and at no point has it ever happened that they've gotten close enough to my bits to be a danger.

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2012
Explain THAT One To Your Doctor

Members of a boy band touring Australia may end up getting a shot from the clap. Kicker: if they did get it, they got it from a Koala. I'll be damned. Even the cute-and-cuddly critters in Australia are actively trying to kill people.

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2012
You're Doing it Wrong

An actor portraying Judas in a passion play in Brazil accidentally died during a suicide scene. I've always been a bit squeamish about those sorts of scenes for precisely this reason. Were I an actor, I'm not sure I could be convinced of the safety of something that dramatic.

Posted by scott at 09:03 AM eMail this entry!
April 20, 2012
Holy Crap!

And now, a spider big and ambitious enough to take down a tree snake. With pictures! Fortunately Ellen (so far) doesn't want one. Not that she could have it. I'm actually very pleased this is an Australian native. I'm thinking that's JUST far enough away.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2012
Girl's Gotta Make a Living

Yeah, I think I'd probably be a little surprised, too: a man watching porn "for the first time" discovers his wife is the star. And that's just the first story. You get to guess where this is all happening, with the hint: the first guy is identified as "Ramadan." Hey, it's in the newspaper! It's gotta be true!

Posted by scott at 01:46 PM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2012
I Shall Call It, "Doobernay"

Having solve all other sommelier-related problems, California vinters have quietly expanded marijuana-laced wine production. I dunno. Just doesn't seem like it would taste all that good. Then again, I have a suspicion that taste is not exactly the point.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2012
Dead Meat

Now I have another reason to avoid those sample trays. Well, aside from the fact that Olivia tends to clean them out before her parents even realize they're there. As a recovering picky eater, I avoid them just on general principles for the most part.

Posted by scott at 03:35 PM eMail this entry!
The Opression Inherent in the System

Ah! I get it now! Since your side is *for* big government, slut shaming is A-OK. Whatever it takes to make sure we're not paying attention to the economy, I guess.

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2012
Skool Daze II

And the NFL's latest attempt to curb unruly fan behavior is... to make them take a course about it. I always wondered if anyone could come up with a course more useless than the ones the state forces you to take to get out of a traffic ticket. I now have my answer.

Posted by scott at 12:08 PM eMail this entry!
It's the Crimson Chin!

Boobs? Boobs are so common, darling. What you really want is a bigger chin. Yes, chin. Just when you thought women couldn't get any more incomprehensible...

Posted by scott at 06:23 AM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2012
Was That Wrong? Should They Not Do That?

A dozen Secret Service agents have been suspended, the cause definitely might but might not involve Colombian hookers. If they look like Sofia Vergara, I can see how that might happen. That said, if they looked like SV they probably wouldn't be hookers.

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2012
Hi! I'm Nadya Suleman and welcome to "This Old Cooch"

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "is it possible to spruce up the ol' vah-jay-jay? It is awfully dark down there." Take heart, woman of deeply tanned nether regions, we're here to help! I know it'll take India a long, long while before they knock Japan off its king-of-weirdness pedestal, but gosh this is a darned good start.

Posted by scott at 12:13 PM eMail this entry!
Drunk Birds

I'll give her this, Courtney Love is entertaining when she falls off the wagon near a smart phone. Unfortunately her latest rant seems to be about as connected to reality as she is. It must be pretty tough when your own kid "divorces" you. I wonder if Dave can sue for libel? Probably wouldn't be worth the chaos. It usually doesn't pay to mess around with crazy.

Posted by scott at 08:10 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2012
The Truth is Out There

Today's UFO story involves those clever bastards at NASA, again. I tell ya, if it's not faking up a moon landing it's covering up a GEM. We need to give these people more things to do.

Posted by scott at 01:38 PM eMail this entry!
Hot Dogizza

Those of you wondering what could ever top deep-fried Oreo cookies should prepare to be amazed. I wonder what sort of pan is required to make that work?

Posted by scott at 12:41 PM eMail this entry!
April 09, 2012
DENY EVERYTHING

Today's UFO sighting comes courtesy of a plane flying over Seoul, Korea. This time it looks like a balloon to me. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure last time it looked like a balloon, as well. Those things do get around a lot, don't they?

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2012
What a Crappy Memorial

Looks like there's more than one weird, abandoned war memorial in the former Eastern Bloc. You'd think someone would care about these things. Then again, how many majestic Gothic churches have "horse barn/storage shed" in their resume? Hell, the Turks used the Parthenon as an ammo dump.

Posted by scott at 10:38 AM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2012
Flying Samurai

A Japanese trawler cut free by last year's tsunami has been found drifting off the west coast of Canada. The vessel is just one of the first, more prominent, bits of flotsam from the disaster to show up off the coasts of North America. Various other bits of junk, and probably a few more ships, are expected to make their way to shore over the next year.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2012
Wi nøt trei fliiping øut in Sweden this yer?

Sometimes there's no improving the lede, again: Swedish twins go crazy, developsuperpowers, and kill a man; no drugs or explanation found. Very relevant, since that pilot who wigged out on that JetBlue flight is still very much in the news. At least he didn't manage to kill anyone, albeit it seems not from a lack of trying. Or, you know, "trei-ing."

Posted by scott at 02:23 PM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2012
Orange Horns

Rick K. gets a golden-eared no-prize for bringing us another example of why hi-fi audio is the wackiest of all man's hobbies. If I'm paying that much for something, I better be able to live in it.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
I Want to Believe

Today's "shopped or not" entry is all about UFO love. The first part absolutely looks 'shopped to me. The zoom and shake just do not appear natural, more like something you'd get if you used a "zoom and shake" feature on a CGI editor. The rest of it just looks like a balloon. And you'd be surprised how common it is to see balloons of all sort in the sky. When I was flying my mini-chopper regularly I'd usually see one or two every time I flew.

Posted by scott at 12:27 PM eMail this entry!
Yeah, That's the Ticket

Sometimes the lede says it all: A vicar claims a potato got stuck up his bottom after he fell on to the vegetable while hanging curtains in the nude. What in the world is up with these people? Remember, folks, it's the 21st century. A dildo is just one website order away!

Posted by scott at 06:21 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2012
It's Official, the MSM's Gone Mad

Remember that story about Zimmerman having no evidence of injury on police security videos? Oh, you had to have seen it, it's been the top story on Google news all day. Except, if you check just now, it's not. It's disappeared completely. Now, isn't that a strange thing? And yes, even to me it very much looks like ABC was messing with the video to ensure that a worrying wound-like mark on Zimmerman's head is hidden behind some graphics.

I mean, I expect them to pull these sorts of stunts for Obama, that's politics for God's sake. I don't pretend to know what actually happened on that terrible night, but I am now officially putting all the MSM's reporting on a mental shelf labeled, "FICTION."

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
Dubya-Tee-Double-Eff?!?

Why, no wonder I never engaged in any office romances when I was single. It never occurred to me I'd need to mark the chairs they were sitting on first. And when I say "mark," I'm not talking about the thing you do with a pen or a sticky note. Of course, the guy works in IT, natch.

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2012
Part and Parcel

A mysterious human leg that washed up on a Florida beach in December has been identified as belonging to a missing, and presumed dead, local woman. Exactly where the rest of her, and her companion, is is still a mystery. Bonus: the lady's brother checked on her apartment in January only to find a tree with presents still wrapped under it.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2012
You're Doing it Wrong

A Taiwanese woman has committed suicide while actively chatting on Facebook. Lighting up a charcoal grill inside your room with the windows shut will let you do that, it seems. I don't try to keep Ellen away from Facebook for fear of this sort of thing. As long as she can tap on it using her external heart ... phone or her true love... computer, she's fine.

Posted by scott at 02:44 PM eMail this entry!
UFOski

They've definitely found something in Siberia. You'd think people would know it's Bad News to go digging weird bits of metal out of the snow by now, but maybe The Thing never got all that far into Siberia. Me, I think it looks like a bulkhead of some sort.

Posted by scott at 11:44 AM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2012
Unforced Error

It's nice to know my side's not the only one who can cough up the ball. Although, of course, if your primary news sources are mainstream or otherwise unrelated to the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, you'd be hard pressed to tell. So, which is worse, a candidate's assistant doing something dumb with an Etch-a-Sketch, or the President of the United States offering concessions to a rival in return for "some space?" It'll be interesting to watch the MSM cover his butt on this one. It always is interesting watching rail yard workers clean up a train wreck.

Posted by scott at 12:50 PM eMail this entry!
Little Big Foot

Looks like another video of "bigfoot" has surfaced. Bonus: includes "de-shake-ified" version using a really nifty technique to show us it's still not a particularly clear video. Or, you know, a particularly well done fake.

Posted by scott at 08:16 AM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2012
The Wheels of Justice Go Round and Round, and Upside Down

We somehow missed the "viral picture" of a motorcycle cop's feet sticking out of the back of a BMW convertible, but it turns out the story behind it, and the aftermath, are much more interesting. All those people who complain about privacy violations because of the ubiquity of cameras need to think hard about this case. If this had happened 25 years ago, that cop would've gotten away with it.

Posted by scott at 12:37 PM eMail this entry!
March 22, 2012
Fun with Elections

Rick gets the coveted "face-palm" no-prize for bringing us news that a middle school teacher turned his class into an opposition research team for the Obama campaign. But it was ok, since they only had to look up where they were supposed to send their findings, not actually send them. That makes it completely acceptable. And right here in Fairfax county, too!

19481.jpg
Posted by scott at 03:47 PM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2012
Umm... Yeah. Allrighty Then

Now men get to have fun too: Walgreens is now carrying a fake vah jay-jay for purchase on its website. I'm not completely sure how it works, but I am completely sure I don't want to know. Best Fark comment: "$78 may seem high for fake p- but it's cheaper than all the real p- i'm not getting."

Posted by scott at 12:39 PM eMail this entry!
March 20, 2012
Butterflies in Jackboots

Mike J. gets a nice, fresh, watermelon-shaped no-prize for bringing us the latest green call for one world government. Glenn, who's followed these things longer and more carefully than I have, just started laughing, so I'm figuring this'll likely give the hardcore greens the vapors for a few days and then fade away. Nice to see SciAm limping around, though.

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2012
That's Gonna Leave a Mark

That'll be Mrs. Plumb, on the deck, with a chainsaw. Desperate depression leads to desperate measures, but I thought women were the ones who wanted to go quietly in full makeup wearing a nice dress. I guess there're exceptions for everything.

Posted by scott at 06:19 AM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2012
SMELL BAD!!!

Reason I don't ever want to be a farmer #28: mysterious explosions on hog farms have scientists stumped. No, the hogs themselves aren't going "bang," that would actually be better than what's actually happening. Four words: foam covered manure pit.

Posted by scott at 10:04 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2012
You're Doing it Wrong

A pair of preteen girls in China committed suicide in part as an attempt at time travel. At least, that's what the article says. Since they're citing a Chinese-language story, who knows? It might be that they were running late or something.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2012
Ellen? Is That You?

A Georgia woman spent a harrowing few hours stuck when she fell down a garbage chute. Seems she was trying to grab her cellphone, which she'd accidentally dropped. Ellen would've freaking flown down something like that if her baby were actually at risk. No, not the one going to school today, the one that hooks to a charger and rings when people call it.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2012
Man Bites Dog

Usually it works the other way around: airline flight forced to return to gate due to a disruptive flight attendant. They're union, so it may be harder to get rid of the person than you'd at first think. Me, I think the phrase, "alcohol involved" will pop up eventually as the story unfolds. Nothing else makes much sense.

Posted by scott at 01:05 PM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2012
That's... Helpful...

To what I'm sure is the consternation of breast cancer groups and little girls all over the world, it turns out the color pink doesn't actually exist. Science: coming up with b-s answers to questions we didn't realize needed asking just to frak with our day for 450 years.

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2012
Shakin' Sounds

By taking the waves of seismic data and speeding them up into the range of human hearing, scientists have put a new spin on the 2011 earthquake in Japan. Play the clips as they're shown on the article, not as their numbered. The titled as first seems to have the volume turned way too far down, and if you play them in title order the 2nd one will be unpleasant if you have headphones on.

So I've been told.

Posted by scott at 03:22 PM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2012
Dragon's TV

China's taken that whole Barbara Walters thing and put a whole new spin on it by having their local version interview condemned criminals just before they're executed. Oh, they make sure not to upset Westerners too much by only interviewing murderers and rapists, and they don't actually show any of the executions. Meh. If it helps pass the time and maybe prevents one or two other Chinese from going at each other, I don't have a problem with this particular aspect of it. The whole death penalty thing is another matter entirely*.

----
* By faith and inclination I think it's a waste of time and resources. Much better for them to attempt enlightenment at the bottom of a dark pit with the occasional loaf of bread and lump of cheese thrown at them. Feel free to disagree, most folks do.

Posted by scott at 01:04 PM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2012
Tree Lobster

I'll see your giant, extinct flee and raise you an enormous, very much alive, stick insect. It lives on a solitary island in the South Pacific, and I am completely fine with that. Fortunately, Ellen doesn't want one.

Posted by scott at 06:19 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2012
Journalist...Warzone...What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

The body, wrapped in white cloth with a white sign bearing Colvin's name, has been buried because the rebels did not have electricity to keep her body refrigerated. It had started to decay, a rebel in the film footage explains.
Seriously? You are in a war zone. You get blown up and your family expects you to be sent back intact? Be grateful she was at least buried and not left out for animals.
Posted by Ellen at 08:00 PM eMail this entry!
February 28, 2012
Fun with Marathons

I dunno, if marathons had fewer sweaty athletes and more of... well... more of this, I might be more inclined to participate. Oh, who am I kidding? The only time this road weenie will run is when his bike breaks and he's being chased by something. That said, if it's your cup of tea why not?

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
Is That a Gun in Your... Oh, Wait, It Is

I dunno, it's not like there are lawyers in the world who don't need a good shooting. Unexpected? Yep, but it's not clear from the article if he actually pointed it at anyone or merely offered it to her. Handing a gun over safely is no big deal, but pointing it at things you don't intend to shoot is a major no-no.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2012
Well, He's Definitely Old

Tokyo's "oldest man" has been found dead recently. Which would not normally be all that news-worthy, except it appears he died about thirty years ago. It seems the habit of collecting Social Security checks for relatives who no longer need them is not exclusive to the US. However, around here we do tend to actually bury the body. In this case, not so much.

Posted by scott at 10:22 AM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2012
Awkward!

A family who's parents were accidentally "outed" to their teenage daughter as swingers by a goof made in a documentary about same aren't entitled to compensation for the mistake. The article also includes a very practical resolution to the matter. Hey, they're Germans. What did you expect? They don't all want to conquer France, ya know?

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2012
Thick as a Brick

When a cell phone is "bricked," which is to say "damaged beyond repair by fault or mischief," it's annoying. Unless you're Ellen, which would make it a soul-destroying tragedy requiring a minimum of four weeks of sackcloth-and-ashes mourning and maybe dressing up a donkey. But I digress. Anyway, when it's a $100,000 sports car, and the "fix" costs $40,000, not so much. Annoying, that is. Not the sackcloth-and-ashes thing. What were we talking about again?

Posted by scott at 03:04 PM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2012
Ouch!

That's not cool: a Florida man is in the hospital with severe injuries when his electronic cigarette blew up in his mouth. Can you say, "product liability lawsuit?" I knew you could...

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2012
Too Bad, So Sad

An Iranian man was discovered carrying grenades in a backpack in Bangkok, police say he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Yeah, just happened to be, you know, transporting them. For a friend.

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2012
A Clockwork Horror

And now, giant bugs turned into tinker toys. I guess everyone needs a hobby. Bonus: includes a picture of everyone's favorite spidery nightmare, the African bird spider. It'll take a special lady to appreciate a brooch made from a bug as big as her hand.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
At First I LOL'd

The man went on to develop 'firm and pendulous' masses on his stomach - a condition known as lipohypertrophy. Mild cases are surprisingly common, however this patient had a severe case as he hadn't changed his injection sites for three decades.
Uh... it looks like a butt or a pair of boobs.
February 11, 2012
Uh...Wow...I Need To Wash My Eyes With Bleach

Not X rated in anyway... he is describing this new.. floppy... thing :/

Posted by Ellen at 09:52 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2012
Welcome to the High End. Please Keep Hands and Feet in Ride at All Times

The best stereo speaker in the world? Oh, yeah, we can show you the best speaker in the world. It weighs more than a quarter ton and costs more than five times as much as a Honda Civic. Each. The picture at the top of their website reminds me of Daleks with their plungers removed. EXTERMINATE!

Posted by scott at 03:34 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2012
Eat Me

How did we ever live without a recipe for beef jerky underwear? Doesn't look all that flexible to me, but fashion has never been my forte. All the same, I think I'll pass on this one. I bet it'd be awkward trying to explain why all the neighborhood stray dogs keep following you around.

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2012
Wi nøt trei a mønstër in Icëland this yër?

So, what do you think: a monster in Iceland, or a robot? That head looks very, if you'll pardon the expression, pythonesque to me, and from the video it's not completely clear it really is an icy river. Me, I'm calling it some sorta hoax involving someone's pet python going for a swim.

Posted by scott at 12:11 PM eMail this entry!
Micro Pig! Uh...That's A Micro Pig?

Janey said: "Every time friends visited they were taken aback by Meeka's size and asked if I was sure she was a micro pig. At this point, I still believed she was — just one with a weight problem."

I know... No Ellen, You can't have one.

Posted by Ellen at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2012
Abandoned

Most, hopefully nearly all, of us would have people hunting for us very soon after we missed an appointment, work, coming home, really anything. Others, well, others simply aren't as fortunate. In other news, you can run up unpaid taxes to the tune of 30 grand before you need to worry about the revenuers seizing your house. The more you know...

Posted by scott at 05:20 PM eMail this entry!
Dead and Gone

An abandoned leper colony is always an eerie place, especially when it's just off the shoreline of Manhattan. I'm thinking the photographer may have taken some pretty substantial risks. Those floors don't look all that sturdy to me, and falling through the floor of a building in an abandoned leper colony seems... sub-optimal.

Posted by scott at 07:24 AM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2012
Two Great Tastes That... Eww...

Making the rounds: chicken wing cupcakes. Not being a huge fan of either one, I'll give it a pass. The bakery that cooked this up is near a college town, so I'm sure they'll have plenty of takers.

Posted by scott at 07:51 AM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2012
Supper's Ready

Ah, to be German: If it does not have an expiration date, it will be edible. At least he had it tested first. Ellen's the same way with spices. Except her attitude is more "if it doesn't smell bad I don't care how old it is."

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2012
Ship: 1, Bridge: 0

A big soap bar of a ship has taken out a bridge in Kentucky. And by "taken out," we're not talking about dinner and a movie. Amazingly, nobody was hurt. It's not at all clear what went wrong, as this particular boat has gone under this particular bridge several times before.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2012
Reason #107 Why I'm Not A Mechanic

Continental Airlines Flight 1515 was preparing to take off for Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston when "a maintenance-related engine run-up of the right-hand engine" was carried out, said Roland Herwig, a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration's southwest region in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

"Someone on the ground was sucked into the engine," he said.

Pretty messy.

Posted by Ellen at 08:09 PM eMail this entry!
Robotic Baby

The wriggling, the squirming, the Moro reflex-induced jump... If you want proof that artificial intelligence is thriving, look no further than this robotic -- and yes, somewhat creepy -- baby.

Read all about it and don't forget to see the video.

Posted by Ellen at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
Modern Problems

It looks like Texas has another smuggling problem on its hands. No, it's not coke or Mexicans, it's deer. Yes, deer. They're a damned nuisance around these parts, with carcasses littering most of our major highways around mating season, doing who knows how much damage to cars and drivers. But in Texas the pretty ones are worth a lot of money, and when there's lots of money tied to lots of rules, cheating's just part of the game.

Posted by scott at 09:15 AM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2012
Welcome Back, Goodbye

Robert Hegyes, best known for playing Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter, has died. The young actors I watched growing up are now climbing into their sixties. Still, it doesn't seem quite fair that this guy kicks it at 60 while Kieth Richards' corpse still walks the land.

Posted by scott at 01:30 PM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2012
Deep Mystery

Ever the busybodies, a Nordic dive team has discovered itself two mystery objects at the bottom of the Baltic, one of which is roughly as big as a 747. Me, I'm thinking "bizarre geologic formation" rather than "ZOMG!1!!! ALIENZ!!!" But you never really can be sure. Yet another reason to root for summer to get here.

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
Melting Madness

I guess you'd call that green building: 1, smug hipster: 0. I don't have to worry about it much, because the tin the Alfas are made of will rust long before it melts. The Hyundai, on the other hand, may be something I have to watch out for.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2012
Well, They Would Know

I'll see you your "moon landing's a hoax" wackadoos and raise you psychics who're claiming they've found a space ship on the moon. Check that, they're claiming astronauts found one forty years ago, and are just asking they be allowed to "tell" their story. Good. It's been awhile since we've had a genuine bunch of crackpots in the news lately.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2012
Bend It Like Big Ben

The iconic and consistently mis-identified tower which holds Big Ben is starting to lean to the left. Well, Labor was in charge for most of the past few decades, what do you expect? Apparently they've got plenty of time to sort it all out, which I'm sure they will do presently.

Posted by scott at 12:04 PM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2012
Sleepy Time ET

Pop quiz: authorities are investigating a) mysterious lights in the sky, b) mysterious objects in the sky, or c) mysterious snoring in the sky? Ok, now go collect your prize. I was always expecting trumpets to herald the end of days. I am disappoint.

Posted by scott at 02:09 PM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2012
Not Hot For Teacher... Yet

Agreed: "If Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's legislative assault on public sector workers was a prime example of right-wing excess on the issue of organized labor, the story of Buffalo's teachers and their botox should be looked at as cautionary tale for the left." Good intentions does not make a dumb idea any smarter.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2012
Ok, Guys, Not Cool

Returning electronics is about to get a heck of a lot tougher now that some bastards have figured out a new way to scam the system. Some people admire clever "bandits," thinking they're some sort of modern Robin Hood. I look at the mountains of paperwork I have to complete to get basically anything done and curse the day the first one drew a breath.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2012
Don't Play With That!

Hikers walking their dogs around the Hollywood Hills have made a grisly discovery. Yeah, it's probably some drug lord or something, but still, that's not really the sort of thing I'd want to find on a trail, ya know?

Posted by scott at 09:55 AM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2012
The Walls... They Glow...

Authorities have discovered radioactive concrete, contaminated by the Fukushima disaster, has made its way into new building construction. An apartment building, no less. The problem was discovered when a student at a nearby school had received a significant radiation dose in a very short time.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
And You People Thought My Rig Was Loud

A mysterious sonic rumble experienced in May still has scientists scratching their heads in Costa Rica. Somewhere in the vicinity there's a very happy person with a very, very large subwoofer.

Posted by scott at 06:20 AM eMail this entry!
January 16, 2012
Gotta Put it Somewhere

Use #13: gold smuggling compartment. This one's high up on the list because it's probably been used that way by smugglers for thousands of years. Which is why I don't ever want to be a smuggler. Not worth the discomfort, sorry.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
Where It Go?

More than a day after it (presumably) fell to Earth, Russian scientists still aren't sure where Phobos-Ground ended up. Since the trail ended somewhere over Brazil, I'm thinking darkest jungles and wide, deep oceans would be a good guess. It also makes me think they may never actually find anything.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2012
Shoulda Taken the Right at Albuquerque

Navigating a port correctly is important, especially if you're in charge of one of the biggest cruise ships afloat. The FARKers are all abuzz as to just how they're going to get something that big out of the mess it's now in. The short answer seems to be, "dunno."

Posted by scott at 09:16 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2012
Good Thing He Didn't Burn It

A villager in a remote Russian town got a big surprise when he found nearly 80 Kalashnikov rifles in the scrap wood he just bought. Apparently in Russia it's acceptable to use unopened crates as scrap wood. Who knew?

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2012
When Phone Love Attacks

There but for the grace of God goes my wife: UK woman killed by train attempting to retrieve her cell phone. Ellen's loyalty to her "extended heart and soul" definitely borders on the clinical, but I'd like to think she'd draw the line at jumping in front of a train to save it.

Posted by scott at 09:47 AM eMail this entry!
Winkie Wammo

A guy who thought it would be a good idea to get his short arm its very own tat got an unexpected "bonus." Fortunately it seems in this specific case the patient isn't in immediate danger, although I would imagine it does limit the kinds of swimsuits he can wear and still be polite.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
Bug Boom

How many bug spray cans does it take to make a respectable bomb? According to the Post, about a dozen. I've had static electricity spark to any number of cans of flammable stuff and never seen anything like this happen. I think there's something else going on here...

Posted by scott at 06:23 AM eMail this entry!
January 07, 2012
Crisping the Basket

I've read about, heck I think I've seen video, of hot air balloons hitting power lines. Seems to be a professional hazard for them, sort of like crotch hits and pinatas. I had no idea it had the potential to kill nearly half a dozen people. It seems you can get killed doing damned near anything.

Posted by scott at 08:02 AM eMail this entry!
January 05, 2012
Copycat Religion

Sweden has officially recognized a religion who's central belief revolves around "anti-copyrights". This sort of reminds me of rednecks who declared themselves members of the Church of the Green Bud in an effort to get legalized pot back in the '80s. However, this is Sweden, so who the heck knows where it'll go?

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2012
When The Dingbats Twirl to the Right

Having tried everything else to convince the middle that my side is a clear and present danger to life, liberty, and sanity, now they're trotting ol' Pat out again. Robertson has been saying essentially the same things over and over again for the past, what, I think it must be forty or fifty years now. I'm more interested in why anyone thinks he's fresh or relevant than in what he actually says.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2011
Self Reliance Increases Size!

Sometimes North Korea crudely photoshops pictures for obvious reasons. Other times, it's just some really weird sh- coming out of the place. Me, I still think it'll end up being some bizarre retouching, but I've been wrong before.

Posted by scott at 07:36 AM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2011
He Hates These Smokes!!!

Fortunately we live in the US, where this only happens in the fevered dreams of wacky leftists (when our side is in charge): Turkish military admits to blowing up cigarette smugglers who were mistaken for Kurdish separatists. See? Smuggling cigarettes is bad. Just wanted to put that out there for, you know, some people...

Posted by scott at 05:45 PM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2011
Ta-Da!

Alternate title: "~ Reindeer got run over then killed gramma ~". When it's your time, it's just your time. How my rural relatives have avoided this fate all these years, I will never know.

Posted by scott at 03:54 PM eMail this entry!
December 27, 2011
StupidCriminalSaysWha?

All right, once more, with feeling: do not post anything on-line you wouldn't say out loud, in public, within earshot of a priest, a policeman, and your mom. Of course this is a teenage boy. He'd probably shout "yo, dawg!" and confess in front of all three just for "teh lulz."

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2011
Hmm... Awkward...

It's bad enough to find out your daughter is sleeping with the gym coach. It's worse if you're dating him, too. I'm pretty sure there isn't a hole deep enough to measure the amount of trouble Olivia would be in if she pulled a stunt like that. I'd like to think we'll teach her to be better than that, but I'm humble enough to acknowledge it's not a sure thing.

Posted by scott at 07:49 AM eMail this entry!
December 22, 2011
That's... Not Mine

A ship carrying 160 tons of explosives and nearly 70 "Patriot" missiles bound for China has been stopped in Finland. Hey, they labeled the missiles as fireworks! They're really just super-fancy bottle-rockets anyway, right? Right? Which catalog can I order those out of, anyway?

Posted by scott at 01:15 PM eMail this entry!
JunkieDoesWha??

For even more evidence that junkies are idiots we have the case of the man who died after eating the cocaine stuffed up his brother's backside. Wait a minute. If they were handcuffed that would mean he might've had to... EWWWW!!!!!

Posted by scott at 11:11 AM eMail this entry!
Yummy!

And now, a 100 year-old Christmas cake. Article includes oh-so-appetizing picture of same. I'm not completely convinced it's legit, but why not? You take the first piece!

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2011
ZOMG!!! EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

Today's "innocent item that will kill you in a horrific way" is... [spins the media wheel of hysteria] ... Neti pots. For those of you who have not married into a family enamored of magic potions and mystic chotchkies, neti pots are used to flush out the sinus cavities. Basically, the user sticks the spout of a teapot up their nose and pours. No, really! I knew I should've taken pictures when Ellen was using hers regularly.

At any rate, two people in Louisiana woke up dead lately, victims of a neurological disease called "primary amoebic meningoencephalitis." Since there wasn't any other obvious reason, the state's health department shot out a press release which may have included the absolutely delightful phrase, "brain-eating amoebas." Quicker than you can shriek, "flesh eating bacteria!!!!" pow, we have our latest public health hysteria. And just in time for Christmas!

That this disease is "exceptionally rare," even though the critter that causes it is "extremely common" and "extremely sensitive to chlorine," and absolutely the only way infection occurs is "direct contact with the olfactory nerve, which is only exposed at the extreme vertical terminus of the paranasal sinuses," 1 we encounter nowhere in the original article.

In other words, unless you enjoy filling a teapot with tap water and then pouring it UP your nose, a lot, you're fine, and so am I. Ellen, on the other hand, well, I'm just glad she lost the thing years ago.

Posted by scott at 10:31 AM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2011
I Think That's Worth a Golf Clap

Some enterprising Dutchmen have managed to make off with an entire jet fighter. True, the F-104 is one of the smaller examples of the breed, but it's still a freaking airplane. Oh, I don't doubt they'll be caught, but, dude, nice job!

Posted by scott at 06:16 PM eMail this entry!
Awkward!

While the initial report makes it seem like they were right out there in the open, even getting it on in a car below a lighted sign shows some pretty poor judgement. Sheriff. The boy-toy just makes it that much sillier. Really, people, get a room!

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
December 16, 2011
Not The Ta-Tas!!

During a Pilates stretching exercise known as a Valsalva maneuver the woman reported that her "body swallowed one of the implants," according to the account published in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Suddenly I am afraid of doing Pilates.
Posted by Ellen at 07:15 AM eMail this entry!
Stay Off Her Lawn

Unfortunately, no matter how irritated you get, it's not a good idea to wave shotguns at people just because. Yet another crazy person wobbling off their meds, I'll wager. At least nobody got hurt.

Posted by scott at 06:17 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2011
Wal Mart Wishes

Color me unsurprised: a former Wal Mart employee chronicles government assistance and the people who use it. Long-term poverty is the hallmark of people with extremely poor decision-making skills. Helping them improve those skills should be a goal of any assistance but, alas, that will never happen. It would reduce their dependence on the state, and That Will Not Do.

Posted by scott at 07:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2011
Captain Obvious in the Lab

All I can say is, if I were the foundation that ponied up the grant that funded this, I'd want my money back: "Researchers collated their results and discovered that alcohol consumption affects decision-making, and that this impact rises with the amount of alcohol consumed." Really? Really? Go for the mush-headed press release, stay and stare at Ramona, the transgendered football linebacker pondering "her story."

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2011
Dragon's Death Row

Making the rounds: a set of older photos is offering a rare glimpse into life on death row in China. The full set of photos is here. No death or gore, just strangely eerie pictures of women convicted of breaking the law in a society which executes many more individuals for such things than does the US.

Posted by scott at 01:13 PM eMail this entry!
Nutz to You

For those of you who long ago grew sick of looking at replica man-bits hanging off car trailer hitches: be careful what you wish for (SFW). Haven't seen any of this around here, so far at any rate. Our customizers tend to be of the "beaded seat cover and gold-and-red-crowns" sort, if you catch my meaning.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2011
Oh Cursed, Wretched Day

The sharks, they jump themselves: upcoming Glee holiday episode to feature Chewbacca. Hey, if it means Mayhew gets some cash for Christmas, I guess I'm OK with it. Ellen: "well, that proves they'll desecrate anything." She takes it more seriously than I do.

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
Well That's Reassuring

It turns out emptying the magazine of an AR-15 at the White House from a half-mile away isn't the only thing that marked the guy out as crazy. On reflection, it probably is just a coincidence this guy was party of the Occupy movement. This particular sort of "Coke Classic Crazy" regularly makes its appearance around this town. I used to work with a few of them.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2011
Someone Needs to Tell Them They're Early

So, what you're trying to tell me is that an alien race capable of building a spacecraft the size of a freaking planet is having their nefarious plot foiled by a, well, let's be honest, a sun fart? See, that's the problem I have with just about every conspiracy theory out there. They all require the bad guys to be inhumanly (ha!) brilliant, right up until "we" notice, then they're suddenly as dumb as a rock with a tomato on it.

By the way, I thought it was supposed to be 12-12-2012??? Looks like someone didn't synch their watch or something!

Posted by scott at 10:10 PM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2011
Paging Alice in Chains, White Courtesy Phone Please

Look, people, if living with an Italian from New York has taught me anything, it's taught me nothing good comes of a shallow grave. Bonus: perp seems to be complaining that stun guns do not work "as advertised." Hopefully he'll be able to collect his refund in jail.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2011
Pictures of Exclusion

Ever wonder what Chernobyl might've looked like just a few months after the disaster. I'm thinking it looked like this, only with more vodka and fewer vending machines. Japan is, of course, both richer and better organized than the Soviets. It'll be interesting to see if this can all be reclaimed, or if it will join Chernobyl as another ghost town that glows in the dark.

Posted by scott at 03:18 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Mr. McFly, White Courtesy Phone Please

A new wrinkle in the saga of the Large Hadron Collider: a man claiming to be from the future was apprehended trespassing on the premises. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

Well that's comforting.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2011
PersonalResponsibilitySaysWha?

So they say welfare mothers are a myth. I say oh, really? Unfortunately a society which provides a safety net for people who really need it will often find it being used by people who don't. A free society for the smart also means a free society for the stupid, and enabling the state to go all Darth Vader on someone like this means it can go Darth Vader on me, too.

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2011
SUPLLIES!!!

Reason #62 why I'd suck as a junkie's friend: if this is what I have to do to wake you up, your ass is dead. Everyone who thought using a sharpie marker on the face of their passed out friend just got a whole other interesting set of ways to wake them up. Me, I'll stick to whacking the soles of their feet. "Why couldn't that technique have been used for Uma Thurman instead of the needle?"

Posted by scott at 04:07 PM eMail this entry!
Big Bug

And now, a cricket eating a carrot. Not just any cricket, mind you, it's a cricket about the size of a tennis ball. Meh. I'm sure there are mosquitoes nearly that big somewhere in southeast Arkansas. They don't call it the state bird for nothing!

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
What a Charmer

Tick off a bunch of college kids, and all you get are smelly hippies camping in a park. Tick off an Indian snake charmer and the results are different, to say the least. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 10:05 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2011
Soggy Serpent

Well, I guess running over 2500 water balloons has originality going for it as an advertisement. Then again, I use a Tivo. I haven't seen a non-kid-based advertisement since about 2005. It may have in fact been done before. Just not with a car this cool.

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
November 28, 2011
Putting The Dead To Work

Durham Crematorium has submitted plans to install turbines in its three burners which can convert the huge amounts of heat generated during the cremation process into electricity.

But crematorium bosses believe surplus energy from the other two turbines - enough to power around 1,500 television sets - could be fed into the National Grid.

The turbines will be powered by steam released by cooling hot gases used in the cremation process, rather than bodies.

Read then entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 08:09 PM eMail this entry!
Phobo's Fault Finds Frenetic Foil Hats Hounding

Observation: Russia's delightfully named Phobos-Grunt didn't leave orbit when it should've, and it's turning out to be very difficult to figure out why. Conclusion: It's actually a bio-warfare weapon designed to bring about a global apocalypse. Well, duh!

Posted by scott at 09:07 AM eMail this entry!
November 25, 2011
Always Know What's Being Tattooed On You First

Originally Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault but it turns out this crafty tattoo artist got her to sign a consent form prior to the tattoo and it said that the design was ‘at the artists discretion’, she claims; “he tricked her by drinking a bottle of cheap wine with me and doing tequila shots before I signed it and got the tattoo”. “Actually I was passed out for most of the time, and woke up to this horrible image on my back.”

Oh dear...

Posted by Ellen at 04:44 PM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2011
The Groping Ghost of Herne Bay

She said: "It's like an octopus. It started four months ago. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands.

"I kicked frantically and it went away. Next time it came I hurled the duvet on to the floor!

"But the ghost keeps coming back. I've tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress.

I assume this is a white family. Who else but us crazy white people would STAY in an haunted house. Let alone buy a new mattress to see if the haunting stops.
Posted by Ellen at 05:27 AM eMail this entry!
November 20, 2011
She's a Brick... House...

And in the, "you just can't make this sh-t up" category, we have a "trans gendered woman" who injected a client's buttocks with cement. With fix-a-flat mixed in, no less. Because, you know, it needs to be sticky I guess. Fortunately nobody died, but it's not from a lack of trying.

Posted by scott at 07:10 PM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2011
Gas & Go

Passengers on an an airline from India to Britain were recently told to pay for gas or find another ride. Fortunately they were confronted with the request while on the ground. Silly people. Doing it in the air would've been much more effective!

Posted by scott at 10:26 AM eMail this entry!
Bacon in Bed

I've long suspected there was a limit to the good bacon could do. Now I've found it. All the women I know are quite meticulous with their hygiene, and understandably so. That makes me think no matter how, well, tasty things are, this one's a non-starter.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2011
When Hippos Attack

Remember the guy who'd raised himself a tame hippo? Yeah, that ended about like you'd think it would. I don't really trust any of our pets to be civilized, but they're all less than 1/10th my size. No way I'd try to even make friends with something that weighed more than my car.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2011
Dragon's Designs

Not content with building eerie, empty cities, the Chinese have also been building weird, abandoned structures in the desert. When they're not talking politics, the Slashdot guys can be useful commentators, and so their ideas are mostly interesting. Has someone tried asking them what it all is yet?

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2011
Really? This Is A Problem?

Illinoisans to legally scoop up road kill.

In action Thursday, senators voted 52-0 in favor of the proposed law, which is designed to allow people to collect dead mammals found on roadways.

How many times can f*$ing yuck be used in a sentence?

Posted by Ellen at 05:21 AM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2011
Or You Can Just, You Know, Drink It?

Just when you thought teens had figured out every weird way to get drunk, they discover vodka tampons and butt bongs. Look, I enjoy a good drink as much as the next guy, but I do have boundaries. Most especially those involving access to my backside.

Posted by scott at 01:31 PM eMail this entry!
Faces Of...

While, technically, this is not really a "faces of meth," it's close enough for me to shudder. The processes they use to make the stuff are incredibly flammable, after all. Proof positive there are things far, far worse than an addiction to Facebook.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2011
Your Surreal Thought Of The Day

Those crazy Asians are at it again!

It's a fun video and family friendly.

Posted by Ellen at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2011
That's Really Helpful

Having solved all other problems, the Obama administration is now out to improve the image of the American Christmas tree. By, naturally, imposing a .15c tax on each and every one sold. I get it now, you all are absolutely right. The only way to success is to give the federal government even more money and power. Look at how effective they are with what they already have!

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
Dragon's Consequence

A well-intentioned effort to control greenhouse gasses may be on the verge of going completely pear-shaped. Yet another example of not thinking past stage one: if you pay people for piece-work, they'll make more, not less, of what you're paying them for.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2011
Pay Up or Get Dug Up

MADRID — Pushed for space, a Spanish cemetery has begun placing stickers on thousands of burial sites whose leases are up as a warning to relatives or caretakers to pay up or face possible eviction.

The sticker campaign was decided upon to coincide with the Nov. 1 Roman Catholic holiday on which people visit graveyards. Abadia said that since then hundreds of people had called to make inquiries about grave of their relatives.

Nowadays, Spanish cemeteries normally place coffins or cremated ash urns in niches above ground.

Read the rest of the here

Posted by Ellen at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
November 06, 2011
Yeah... What's Up with That?

Remember how odd China and Japan are? A challenger has appeared. It seems something about recovering from a totalitarian disaster brings out the sincerely weird in people. We'll have to see just how it plays out.

Posted by scott at 05:32 PM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2011
What a Comforting Thought

Some countries, well, let's be honest. All countries except one protect their nukes with sophisticated security and heavily defended bunkers. The one hold-out? They create "the world’s most dangerous 1-800-FLOWERS truck." Gives you that "not-so-safe" feeling, eh?

Posted by scott at 10:08 AM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2011
That's a Party!

A Russian man has been arrested in relation to a string of grave robberies after the remains of 20 women he'd dressed himself were found in his house. Look, it's all fun and games to make jokes about how much women talk, but this is taking it a little far, don't you think?

Posted by scott at 01:21 PM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2011
Danger Close

Hacker group Anonymous is learning it's all fun and games until the cartel starts sniffing around your house. I learned a very long time ago there's a certain sort of guy you do not mess around with. These guys make those look like pansies. Pro tip: stick to corporations and the US Government. They won't pull your tongue through your neck just to prove they can.

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2011
When Vultures Attack

Bird owners everywhere know one of their great talents is chaos. They can foul things up all out of proportion to their size and weight. Don't believe me? check out what one does when he encounters a paraglider. Hooray for safety chutes!

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
Meal A Tad Too Big?

A Burmese python slithering through the Everglades proved that her eyes weren't bigger than her stomach, swallowing intact a 76-pound deer. At 15.65 feet, the python isn't the largest on record. But the size of her prey both impresses and concerns state and federal wildlife scientists and land managers trying to control the non-native species.

"They are large exotic animals that are not naturally from this area," said Randy Smith, spokesperson for the South Florida Water Management District. "The potential to wreak havoc on the natural Florida wildlife ... they don't have true enemies."

Contractors spraying exotic vegetation Thursday came across the female python on an island about 20 miles from Everglades National Park, Smith told CNN Tuesday. It was dispatched, by protocol, with a single shotgun blast to the head.

Well that sucks, but this is what happens when irresponsible people own giant snakes. With picture!

Posted by Ellen at 05:49 AM eMail this entry!
Stupid Is as Stupid Does

Nicole said that the morning after the arrest, she emailed Safeway to say not paying for the sandwiches was an honest mistake. "It was just a slip, a mommy-brain moment, I guess," she said. Houghton said Safeway accepts her assurance that she simply forgot to pay.

***Here's and idea! Don't eat when you shop! Since when is a grocery store a restaurant? Those places are filithy!*** Nicole said she and her husband were told they were banned from the store for one year. ***Pity Party*** Houghton said she wasn't sure who would have told them that, but Safeway welcomes the family back. Grocery shopping is a chore that now bring some anxiety, Nicole said, adding that she has read countless comments online criticizing her for eating before paying.

***Keep reading them. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you are extra special. Babies are born every day. Eat before you go out.***

Really? I'm not totally heartless. Safeway you suck for arresting two idiots who decided to eat while shopping. That is a No-No. You suck even more for calling child welfare and stressing everyone out. You handled the situation poorly.

Again, who the hell eats in a grocery store? You might as well eat off a public toilet seat.

Read entire asinine article here.

Posted by Ellen at 05:37 AM eMail this entry!
October 31, 2011
Man, I Hate It When That Happens!

A 28 year-old man is using the time-tested "she turned into an ass on the way home" defense in a very novel situation. Turns out the donkey show is a global phenomenon. Who knew? (SFW)

Posted by scott at 01:58 PM eMail this entry!
What's in a Name?

Remember those parents who named their kids things like "Adolf Hitler" and "JoyceLynn Aryan Nation"? Yeah, they're trying to get their kids back. Again. At first, I was all, "it's their kids, give them back please." Then I found out, "Both parents are unemployed and are said to suffer from unnamed physical and mental disabilities."

In other words, these are not racist, hateful, but otherwise productive citizens. They're not Westboro. Instead they're a couple of unemployed clinically crazy people with a proven track record of poor impulse control and bad decision making. It may not be enough to keep their kids away, but as far as I'm concerned it's enough to make that a harder decision than it would at first appear.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2011
Dead Fool

Today's "I didn't know I didn't know that" story concerns one Jack Unterweger, a serial killer who convinced his country he was reformed, only to immediately begin killing again on his early release. Yet another item to consider when a paid talking head starts crowing about how something is "definitely settled." Oh, and Malkovich is in a play about him.

Posted by scott at 12:25 PM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2011
Welcome to the 21st Century

I guess I'm officially old now, because I don't have a problem with a Girl Scout troupe rejecting a boy in a dress. Then again, if Olivia were in the same troupe and she came home talking about their new member David well, I'd like to think I wouldn't have a problem with it. When I think about the reverse case, of a girl trying to join up with a Boy Scout troupe, I don't get the same visceral reaction so maybe it is just me. Tolerance makes parenting complicated, I suppose.

Posted by scott at 02:20 PM eMail this entry!
How Helpful

Looks like the 99% doesn't include local farmers. But then, what's a little inconvenience as long as it furthers the revolution? It is always better to starve in justice than to dine in the shadow of prosperity!

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2011
I Want to Believe

Another day, another creepy anniversary nobody's ever heard of commemorated by Wikipedia. At least, likely nobody outside the Australian UFO community. You'd think that after so much time they'd be able to pry more records out of the various law enforcement agencies.

Posted by scott at 03:08 PM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2011
Hissing the Night Away

Today's "kook mistaken for an audiophile" story is all about how cassette tapes are making a "comeback." Ok, slowly this time: audiophiles are people who spend $20,000 on a single 30 watt monophonic vacuum tube amplifier. Kooks are people who talk a guy down from $30 for an obsolete tape player.

Posted by scott at 07:10 AM eMail this entry!
Not My Juristiction... Nope, Not Mine Either...

The bones used to be buried in the Oak Grove Cemetery south of town. Heavy rains in 2009 washed away the wall of a neighboring ravine, and a strip of the oldest part of the cemetery slid into the maw. Several headstones and at least one body tumbled down with the soil.

Someone retrieved several gravestones from the ravine and set them at the back edge of the cemetery. Some of them indicate the graves were nearly old enough to fall under the state archaeologist’s authority. One, for a 2-year-old girl named Nellie Beem, says she was buried in 1867, which is 144 years ago.

How hard is it just to dig some new graves and put these people back to rest?

Posted by Ellen at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2011
No Laser Here

We're (well, Ellen's) getting slow... how else to explain our total lack of albino cyclops shark coverage? Ah, I know. It wasn't an albino cyclops cat! Fish, fowl, feline, the distinction matters. Well, anyway, it's a great Halloween-style link!

Posted by scott at 01:29 PM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2011
Who Would Do This!??

Really? I know you are a country of nearly1.2 Billion, but you don't hit a child with car and then run her over.

The horrific part is over 4 people walked past her and she was hit multiple times!

China, you really are one sick country

Posted by Ellen at 06:54 PM eMail this entry!
October 17, 2011
When Beer Attacks

The things one learns, trolling Wikipedia's "on this day" section. To wit: on this day, 9 people were killed in 1814 during the "London Beer Flood." Sometimes beer does things you don't want it to do.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2011
Barking Fish

No, really, Piranha bark. Nature can be weirder than we can imagine, because nature just has to follow rules we're still not completely clear about. It doesn't have to actually be "creative."

Posted by scott at 02:21 PM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2011
Hang Ten and Hang The Hell On

A surfer in Oregon got the ride of his life recently. I'd normally say, "yeah, right," but apparently there are witnesses to his little shark dance. Just another reason to stick with swimming pools, as far as I'm concerned.

Posted by scott at 11:47 AM eMail this entry!
October 11, 2011
Bits O' Jack

Besides the noted Thanatron machine, which Kevorkian built, other items to be auctioned include some of Kevorkian's correspondences and invention ideas, a pearl flute, his doctor's bag, a master lock from prison and his signature blue sweater. People can also purchase provocative paintings that he created, which come with brief descriptions from the artist himself, according to Neal.

You know you want own a piece of real American History!

Posted by Ellen at 06:07 AM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2011
The Wrong Kind of Exciting Sermon

Proof people wobbling off their meds aren't exclusive to North America: a man flipped out and literally tore his eyes out during an Italian church service. No pictures, fortunately.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
October 04, 2011
Boob Armor

A Russian woman's life was saved by her (apparently quite large) fake boobies. Or maybe the knife was just small? Save the boobies!

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Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
October 03, 2011
Watching the Royals

A US man has taken "royal obsession" to new heights: the body of a homeless man with a demented fascination with the royal family lay near one of the royal residences for three years before it was discovered. Camping out on an inaccessible island and hiding out in the bushes will have a tendency to cause that sort of thing. Crazy people... is there anything they can't do?

Posted by scott at 03:19 PM eMail this entry!
Tamám Shud

"Let’s start by sketching out the little that is known for certain. At 7 o’clock on the warm evening of Tuesday, November 30, 1948, jeweler John Bain Lyons and his wife went for a stroll on Somerton Beach, a seaside resort a few miles south of Adelaide. As they walked toward Glenelg, they noticed a smartly dressed man lying on the sand, his head propped against a sea wall..."

What better way to start the month known for the macabre than with a genuine, and deadly, mystery?

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2011
Yaeba Crazy!

Crooked teeth are seen as imperfections in many western countries, and particularly in America, where braces are practically a God-given gift to man, but in Japan, a country where almost everything is different, they are considered cute, even adorable. Yaeba means double tooth in Japanese, but it doesn’t describe major dental deformities, but rather the vampire-like look obtained when the two molars crowd the canines pushing them forward to create a fang effect. According to some sources, yaeba gives girls a feline look which is apparently makes them even more attractive, while others say it’s this little imperfection that makes pretty girls look more approachable as opposed to the flawless magazine cover models of the western world.

Yet another way the Japanese are making themselves into living ANIME dolls.

With Video!

Posted by Ellen at 07:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2011
Pig Out

Just when I thought the Chinese couldn't get any weirder, I learn about a festival in which pigs that've grown to be the size of VW Beetles are publicly slaughtered and then their gaily painted carcasses are paraded around town. Still, it's gotta be better than dog meat. I hope.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2011
... But I Wouldn't Call This Art

Standard: an organization responsible for a ridiculous stunt is irritated that someone else is giving the wrong people the credit. WTF: the organization is Al Qaeda, and they're telling Iran's president to stop blaming the CIA for 9/11. Even better, the whole thing was just about prophesied by an Onion parody some time ago.

Posted by scott at 04:23 PM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2011
Twister Time

Fans of Storm Chasers and other weather-related phenomena should not miss this detailed and harrowing account of surviving the Joplin tornado. Best part: they were saved by a beer cooler. Beer. Is there anything it can't do?

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
September 26, 2011
No! Remember! It's Bush's Fault!

Those of you wondering why the economy is still flopping around in the bottom of the boat need look no further than this: new environmental regulations will require 230,000 new employees to enforce, cause 6.1 million businesses to fall under their jurisdiction, cost $21 billion dollars, and probably won't work. No, this isn't some right-wing think-tank report. It's the EPA itself admitting all this effort probably won't work. This is just the tip of the iceberg, I'm sure, and is a direct result of electing a community organizer with exactly two years of federal office experience to the Presidency. It's not who he is. It's who he's hired.

Posted by scott at 01:10 PM eMail this entry!
Reminder, Anyone?

See, I always thought people learned to leave wild mushrooms alone back in, you know, first grade or something. As usual, it seems that a few people weren't listening in that class. Darwin missed them by THAT much.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2011
He Haz a Smart

No surprise to anyone familiar with the "wisdom" of diplomats assigned to the UN: diplomat's car stolen and crashed after he left it double-parked and idling while he went and got some tea. The UAE is a comparatively liberal Arab state, so it's not like a religious policeman was outraged or anything.

Update: Actually, it's the diplomat's chauffeur.

Posted by scott at 01:01 PM eMail this entry!
September 19, 2011
It Definitely Explains Why He Fell For Real Estate Scams

Why worry about finances when you're a successful actor and... a vampire?!? Because, really, it's definitely not a faked photo. That's what the auctioneer on Ebay says, and we all know how reliable they are!

Posted by scott at 03:35 PM eMail this entry!
Well That's Tacky

A surrogate mom got some startling news when she found out the prospective parents were backing out of the contract, leaving her with twins she never thought she'd have to raise. Fortunately, an adoption agency was able to place the children and everyone seems to be Ok.

Reason #432 that a womb is not a rent-able factory. Ya know?

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
September 17, 2011
Sucks So Much

Making the rounds: a heavily modified P-51 Mustang has crashed at the Reno Air Races. The pilot reported a mayday and pulled out of the race, and then the plane looped over and went in nearly vertically, right in front of the grandstands. Death toll is currently at 3, but may climb higher.

Pilots get killed pretty regularly at Reno, but this is the first accident involving spectators I can think of. Unfortunately it wouldn't surprise me at all if this incident shuts down the races for good.

Posted by scott at 07:50 AM eMail this entry!
September 16, 2011
Stinky Clowns

Fumes at a Georgia McDonalds have sent 10 to a hospital. I always knew the place could smell a little weird, but this is ridiculous. I'm putting a $5 chip down on "stupid teenager mixing bleach and ammonia just to see what would happen."

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
September 13, 2011
Dude. Wait... What?

Good: Airliners are booting thugs off for not pulling their pants up. Bad: get a load of what they'll let on the airplane instead (SFW). I had a point to make, but the picture just, well... go look, you'll see.

Posted by scott at 02:08 PM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2011
I Not Haz a PMS!!!

With humans, jealousy normally results in the sort of drama that drives the plots of hundreds of soap opera episodes per year. With tigers, the drama is much shorter, and... gurglier... Reason #37 why Ellen can't run a big cat rescue from her back yard one day, that's all I'm sayin...

Posted by scott at 02:42 PM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2011
E- Nudit..err..Harmony?

Nope, it is correct. A nudist dating site.

Lots of sagging, cellulite... and well those models they feature. Yeah right.

Posted by Ellen at 08:38 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2011
Mynd you, drunk møøse Kan be pretty nasti
Posted by scott at 03:27 PM eMail this entry!
This is a Problem?

Only in the heartland of all things progressive: San Francisco's latest controversy involves forcing nudists to sit on towels when they're in public. Yes, "sit on," not "wear." Meh. Their city, their rules. It's not like I was planning on visiting Castro any time soon anyway.

Posted by scott at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
September 07, 2011
That's Probably Bad for His Career

Drunk, naked, passed out in an empty hot tub next to a dead guyis no way to go through life, son. Bonus: Arkansas weatherman. Hot water, booze, boy toys, and blow. That's some fine judgement there, very fine.

Posted by scott at 02:00 PM eMail this entry!
With Enemies Like These...

All the new rules and organizations set up to stop the Wacky Westboro Bunch must be having an effect, since their new target is the rock group The Foo Fighters. Trying to make a lot of noise at a venue that celebrates nothing but noise isn't a particularly good idea, but the Westboro people have never been known for quick thinking. I'm sure Grohl will have a good time with them.

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2011
Freighthopping

The stupid person mode of transportation.

Mr Satur said the incident was a 'terrible' example of the danger of trying to hop a train. He said: 'It's terrible.

'It really highlights the dangers of trying to hop a train. It is not safe by any means.'

Authorities said the 100-car train was travelling at 18mph when the incident occurred.

The person is lucky not to have lost their life pulling this stunt.

Posted by Ellen at 05:11 AM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2011
Look Out! It's the Abdom... Abodam... Abudom... a Yeti!

If the documents prove to be authentic, the US government definitely believed in Yeti back in the day. Bonus: It seems the guy who created Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer included a yeti in the story because he was obsessed with finding them. No, really!

Posted by scott at 07:42 AM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2011
Candygram...

Ellen's idyllic San Francisco isn't quite as idyllic at the moment. Meh. People gotta swim, shark's gotta eat, ya know?

Posted by scott at 12:29 PM eMail this entry!
September 01, 2011
Cattle of DOOM!!!

A Welsh lady walking her dog in a nice pasture got killed by a cow. Better: this was the second time in two years it's happened. Remember folks, guns don't kill people, cows kill people.

Posted by scott at 03:37 PM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2011
Now That's a Party!

Naked dude: check. Girlfriend: check. Raccoon: check. Alcohol: well, duh.(SFW) The only truly strange thing was it didn't actually happen in Florida.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2011
Gramma Soup

The installation of the first "body liquifaction" plant in Florida sparked the BBC to take a closer look at the whole process. Dissolving a body to its bones is fine, I guess, but I can definitely see why people would be upset that the results get dumped into the municipal water system. I don't care how pure it really is, the thought definitely gives me pause.

Posted by scott at 08:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 29, 2011
He's Dead, Jim

If you picked "less than a day" in the "how long will it take for pictures of a weird dead thing to show up on the tabloids after the hurricane," you can collect your prize. The comments seem to agree it's a bear. I dunno.

Could it be this?

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
Not Sure if the Come-Along Will Do Any Good Here

And now, a great big house boat that's been docked. "Docked" as in, "placed on top of." I'm sure the owners are grateful their boat appears undamaged. I have a feeling they may be puzzled about the next step.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2011
The Wrong Kind of Fresh

Ok, when the sea foam is green, it's a fashion statement. When it's brown, not so much. I constantly wonder what these reporters do wrong to get these kinds of assignments.

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
August 27, 2011
Apparently They Deserve A Darwin Award

Yes Virginia, there are people that are just that stupid.

Posted by Ellen at 06:18 PM eMail this entry!
That's Not an Earthquake... This is an Earthquake

I'm sure this has made the rounds, but it's the first time I've seen it: I think this is the best "in person" video of Japan's massive quake. It really provides a sense of how severe, and how long, it really was.

Posted by scott at 07:30 AM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2011
When Bolt-Ons Attack

A UK woman shot in the chest with a paint ball gun ended up with a lot more than just a nasty bruise. See, just because fake ones look bullet-proof, it doesn't actually mean they are bullet-proof. Bonus: fake ones "make you an easier target."

Posted by scott at 02:22 PM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2011
Yet Another Reason to Stick to the Legal Stuff

Not content with all the other nasty things cocaine can naturally do to you, dealers are now cutting it with stuff that makes you look like a black death victim, and then gives you AIDS. Well, ok, not exactly AIDS, but it definitely can fatally weaken the immune system. Hey, man, that's great. They were making it sound like it could kill you or something...

Posted by scott at 03:55 PM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2011
Umm... Well... That's Too Bad?

And in today's "can't make this stuff up" box we find notice that King Arthur Pendragon has lost his bid to force the reburial of remains found at Stonehenge. This is not a repeat from 475. Really.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
August 22, 2011
Paging Alice in Chains, White Courtesy Phone Please

Ok, I get that motorcyclists must be constantly vigilant around other motorists, on account of latter constantly trying to kill the former. What I didn't expect was for the streets themselves to get into the act. It's the whole, "crashed through the barrier" thing that has me puzzled. Was the driver not paying attention? Barriers incorrectly marked? Was he or she driven into them by a motorist? If so, that would be a pretty classic bank shot, no?

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
Wait... I Need That!

Ok, what I want to know is, since when is circumcision considered a routine treatment for inflammation??? Losing his winkie in the bargain just makes it extra-fail-tastic.

Posted by scott at 06:27 AM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2011
In Soviet Russia, Sharks... Still Attack You

Sharks have attacked two people in the past 24 hours off the west coast of Russia. The article helpfully includes a) a picture of the one sort of shark that never attacks anyone, and b) the geographic note that the area was, "4,000 miles east of Moscow."

Posted by scott at 08:44 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2011
Oui, Oui? No, Wee Wee...

What is it with high-profile passengers peeing on airplanes? And how drunk does someone have to be to just whip it out and let fly? You know it's only a matter of time before some idiotic celebrity drops trow on a United flight or something.

Posted by scott at 02:46 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Phoebe Cates, White Courtesy Phone Please

After being entombed in a chimney for nearly thirty years, a Louisiana man is finally being laid to rest. Nobody knows why Joseph Schexnider decided to climb down a small bank's chimney in 1984, although even some relatives acknowledge his final weeks were spent, "with a bad crowd." His body would likely still be there, were it not for the renovation of the 2nd floor space where the fireplace vented by the chimney sits.

And I'll bet that was a damned interesting day to be a construction worker!

Posted by scott at 12:34 PM eMail this entry!
Can't Hear the Music Over Her Politics

A lady takes her kid to a concert and bemoans the missed opportunities to score political points. Oh, and peers down her puritanical nose at the goings-on before the concert. She even made the classic critic's fumble by not actually saying whether she liked it or not. Compare with someone sent to professionally review what was likely the exact same event.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
Needles Galore

Quick! is this a new beauty device, or the end of an insect's proboscis? I was going to make a crack about the lengths women will go, but I'll bet this is just as popular with men as well. Just not, you know, me.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2011
Water Brick

"People have been throwing things-- at night--especially at night. When they are partying and they're out of control. They do it. They think it's a joke," he said.

Don't toss stuff off buildings!

Posted by Ellen at 06:45 PM eMail this entry!
KThxBAAIIIEEEEeeee

Today's Darwin award goes to a Japanese chick who thought slippery rocks didn't apply to her. Bonus: they haven't found her body yet, but they did find a different body of a dude they weren't even looking for and don't know who is. Unexpectedly!

Posted by scott at 09:27 AM eMail this entry!
Amateur

A UK man has been banned for driving for a year after being spotted using two cell phones at once. Oh, and not having insurance. The only thing that keeps Ellen from doing this is I won't loan her my phone while she's using hers.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2011
Classy Guy

Not sure how we managed to miss this one: an 18 year old US Olympic ski team candidate may have literally pissed away his chance at the games. Ever wonder why airliners try so hard to keep drunks off the plane? I bet you don't now.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
Death By a Nose

A teenaged Florida girl is dead after a weird parasite crawled up her nose and into her brain. No, really! This time even sticking to pools is no guarantee of safety, since the critter can take root in any body of water "not cleaned regularly." All those times I've walked home smelling like chlorine? Yeah, not complaining about those anymore.

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2011
... Or Are You Just Happy to See... Yourself?

Another day, another slow news day over at Slate. This time, they hired a psychologist to write an essay on the history of autofellatio. Article is SFW. Well of course we're going to link that up! We're classy that way!

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 10, 2011
"Because We F'ing Want One" Seems Never to Have Occurred to Them

They told me, if I voted for John McCain, the State Department would continue to be a source of American arrogance and parochialism, and they were right: US asks China to explain why it needs aircraft carrier.

Posted by scott at 03:21 PM eMail this entry!
Andy's Ashes

If this headline doesn't stop you dead in your tracks you must be made of stone: 'My Strange Addiction:' Woman Eats Husband. Turns out she's switched to a diet of cremains, her husband's cremains, to lose weight. Part of my faith is to contemplate the impermanence of things. That said, I can't recall "licking the inside of a funeral urn" being part of the program.

Posted by scott at 01:19 PM eMail this entry!
Diver Dead

After seventeen years the body of a missing scuba diver has been found in Lake Tahoe. Even better, it seems there are at least four other dead divers hidden in its depths. The locals claim they're haunting tunnels that riddle the lake's bottom, connecting it to the nearby Pyramid Lake.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2011
Well, It Would Surprise Me, Too

A meteor explosion is the likely cause of a "surprising 'bang' over a small Pacific island. I'd rather it kerplooey over my house rather than through it.

Posted by scott at 08:18 AM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2011
Probably Hit One of Those Satanic Cow Pats He's Always Going On About

Rowan Atkinson seems to have inadvertently tested just how crash-proof a McLaren really is. Hey, you don't buy a car from an F1 factory ONLY because it's fast, donchaknow? This time I think the car's probably a write-off.

Posted by scott at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2011
Hello Wha???

It seems a guy who's weirdly into Hello Kitty can sometimes have a lot of other problems. Police, and consent laws, can be tough that way. And then the feds can get involved, too. His lifestyle implies rich white parents, which I hope he has, because if he doesn't he's in for a world of... well, you know...

Posted by scott at 06:36 PM eMail this entry!
Well That's Appetizing

Nothing like finding a live rat in a fresh loaf of bread to start a meal right! Lovely how everyone involved is handling it so gracefully, too. You would've thought someone would've noticed, I don't know, the bread moving or something? Or a hole in the package? A squeak?

Posted by scott at 10:44 AM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2011
If At First You Don't Succeed...

... so much for skydiving: Skydiving quadriplegic plunges to death after parachute failures. Jumping out of perfectly good airplanes has never struck me as the wisest of hobbies, but people do it all the time without getting hurt. And when something does go wrong, well, that sudden stop at the end makes for a very quick appearance at the back of the reincarnation line.

Posted by scott at 10:51 AM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2011
You have earned the Achievement: "Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Gold 'Em!"

A Chinese couple has allegedly sold all three of their children to finance their on-line gaming addictions. Mine's known her own address for years now, so I never seriously considered the possibility.

Posted by scott at 03:52 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Cowboy, White Courtesy Phone Please

I'd always known porta-potties were not particularly healthy places. I had no idea they could actually explode. Considering the article itself mentions a Mythbusters de-bunking of this very occurrence, I'm suspicious that perhaps more than just methane gas was involved. In other words...

Boom.png

Boom.

Posted by scott at 10:20 AM eMail this entry!
Well, How Many?

Ok, even I admit a news quiz question about how many pieces a body was cut into is a pretty shocking thing to find on a news site. I would've expected something like that on Fark. Which is, of course, where I found it. Classy!

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
July 26, 2011
Little. Blue. Wacky.

"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I know those Smurfs are up to something, I'm just not sure what. Is there anything that can help me decide just what those little monsters are out to accomplish?"

Fear not, friendly child show paranoiac! AMCGLTD is here to help! Presenting The Smurf Conspiracy, your one-stop-shop to all speculation about the nefarious machinations of everyone's previously-thought-to-be-harmless kid show stars! If you've ever wanted proof that pushing crazy as far to one side as possible just means you meet crazy coming from the other direction, here it is.

Posted by scott at 10:25 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2011
What Won't They Eat!?

This Japanese delicacy known as odori-don or “dancing squid rice bowl” is a variation on traditional squid sashimi and uses soy sauce to create the disturbing illusion of bringing a dead squid back to life.

This is the reason why they have a fetish with tentacle porn.

SFW!! The link brings you right to the article...not to tentacle porn. We are not that disgusting.

Posted by Ellen at 04:16 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2011
I'm Gonna Give This One a Pass

Ok, Ellen, if cow urine therapy ends up on your list of magic potions, you're sleeping in the garage. I'm sure traditional medicine has it all over the Western variety. Doesn't mean I'm hopping in a tub of cow piss. Ever.

Posted by scott at 06:10 PM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2011
Wrong Sort of Costume

Leave it to the Chinese to have a "bee wearing contest." Yes, you read that right. They wear bees. CHINA: Run away from Japan as fast as you can. You're catching it!

Posted by scott at 07:37 PM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2011
Aw, Man

Well, fans of all foods Chinese and Chinese-like, it's looking like your favorites are just as bad for you as the stuff from the Golden Arches. However, I do wondering about the portions used. The stuff we get when we do takeout lasts us the whole weekend, say, three or four meals easy.

Me? I prefer Indian food over Chinese.

Posted by scott at 11:18 AM eMail this entry!
Is This the Hope, or the Change?

They told me if I voted for John McCain the government would make sure "don't ask don't tell" stuck around no matter the cost, and they were right! Good thing the rest of you voted for Obama!

Posted by scott at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2011
That's Ruff

The trick with fetishes is to make sure they don't go wrong. Getting careless can mean people get hurt. I think it's just as well no pictures of the principles were included.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2011
Sounds Like a Cookie Company

Today's "ZOMG!!!!11! Teh wurld iz endin!!!" prophecy comes courtesy of (shakes big 8-ball) the planet Nibiru. Bonus: includes "but what about the CHILDREN!!!" angsting by the interviewed scientist.

Posted by scott at 10:42 AM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2011
Hospital Visit Fail

A small private aircraft spun in and crashed into a California hospital. Unfortunately, as with most plane crashes, not everyone walked away.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
July 07, 2011
Yum Yum!

A Chinese egg processing company is demanding an apology from CNN for broadcasting a slur against a traditional Chinese egg dish called "century eggs." Keep in mind real Chinese cuisine often involves stuff like scorpions and live eels.

Posted by scott at 01:10 PM eMail this entry!
July 06, 2011
Broken Noggin

The irony is, of course, very strong when a motorcyclist protesting a helmet law gets killed bashing his head against the ground. The motorcycle pros I know not only wear helmets, but a veritable armored suit of sweat-inducing gear. I guess that's why they're fine (so far) and this guy definitely is not. That said, as a libertarian I support this guy's right to splatter his noggin. They don't call them "donorcycles" for nothing!

Posted by scott at 10:05 AM eMail this entry!
~ Where Were They Going Without Ever Knowing the Way ~

A woman who thought her mother was buried fifteen years ago has been informed she is in fact alive and well in Florida. Bonus: they buried something they found in their back yard, and now don't know who's remains those actually are.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2011
Shiva H. Vishnu!

An effort to firmly establish just how much money an Indian temple is (literally) sitting on has revealed a horde worth an estimated 22 billion dollars. The amount is expected to rise as other vaults under the (previously unguarded) temple are opened and inventoried.

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2011
Really? Oh, That Changes Everything

And now, a man who claims he's innocent of rape because he thought the victim was dead. Yeah, I had to do a double-take too. There's a whole lot going on there, and none of it's good.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2011
What a Charmer

The guy who hid in a porta-potty tank has been found and interviewed. As expected, he's a complete nutter, who's sense of smell seems to be as impaired as his judgement. Bonus: he seems to have been peeping on women in bathrooms all across Boulder. It's not clear from the article if he was interviewed in jail.

Sorry, that's all I have, time to hit the shower. *shudder*

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2011
Having Solved All Other Problems

Progressives have finally lost their damned minds: San Francisco city council is seriously considering a ban on all pet sales. Remember that article that was surprised at California's "unexpected" decline? Yeah, about that...

Posted by scott at 06:59 PM eMail this entry!
June 27, 2011
What the Hell?

So, did the Jackass star smear & fry himself off the side of a road, or didn't he? The rumors that he may not have actually died seem to be taking root. Will the Porsche of truth mow this down as well? Hell, some people still believe Elvis is alive, so anything's possible. Remember, folks, you heard it here first!

Posted by scott at 07:14 AM eMail this entry!
June 24, 2011
Well That's Lovely

Junkies, like most other people, can be inventive and ingenious when it comes to getting what they want. The problem is, of course, that what junkies want makes them do crazy, violent things, and then kills them.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2011
Paging Weird Al, White Courtesy Phone Please

Here's one that'll make you read the headline twice: Amish man in Indiana arrested, accused of sexting girl, 12. I know, right? Since when did the Amish move to Indiana?

Posted by scott at 09:32 AM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2011
A New Definition of "Nasty"

Great. Just great. Now Ellen will be even more spastic about port-a-potties. Heck I'm not sure I'm ever going to be the same now, and all I did was read about it. So, of course, we're linking that bad boy up right away!

Posted by scott at 04:23 PM eMail this entry!
Yet Another Litter Born

People are not meant to have "litters". Let alone then depend upon the community for helping raise them. You might as well stick them all in a box and write "FREE PUPPIES" on the side.

Their close-knit community has already rallied round the couple. Friends have begun extending their log home, local firms have promised to supply diapers and formula milk and a car dealership may donate a van.

Read entire article here.

Posted by Ellen at 05:49 AM eMail this entry!
The Question Here is WHY!?!

"A couple of them were worried they might bear children with long faces," he joked.

Men have not been so keen on the concoction.

"The men were very stand-offish. But a few have manned-up and said it is palatable."

Mr Varley admits to trying the drink himself which he said was "ok", and "like custard".

I vomited in my mouth just reading the article.

Posted by Ellen at 05:39 AM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2011
Blow 'em All Down

All I can say is I hope whoever was in that SUV got out OK. I've yet to see a more graphic depiction of what makes tornadoes so destructive. Makes my involuntarily sitting through a hailstorm years ago pale in comparison.

Posted by scott at 07:10 AM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2011
Aw, Man!

Clarence Clemons, saxophonist for Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band, died yesterday at the age of 69. Five marriages and four kids... he was a busy guy in more ways than one, I suppose. He'll be missed.

Posted by scott at 07:28 AM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2011
Yeah, That's a Closed Casket

Proof that it does actually happen in real life: steam roller driver killed in bizarre accident. Thing is, I'm pretty sure they haven't actually been powered by steam for decades. File that one in the same folder that has us all still saying, "tin foil."

Posted by scott at 10:26 PM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2011
... is Suffering From Jailhouse Blues

Reason #212 why Ellen would hate jury duty (in the UK, at any rate): a juror who admitted contacting a defendant via Facebook has been sentenced to 8 months in prison for contempt of court. Even though it may vaguely resemble some sort of office, the justice system is part of the State, not the private sector. The rules are different, and you break them at your peril.

Posted by scott at 04:08 PM eMail this entry!
Underwater Windmills

One rich eccentric's effort to recover Bin Laden's body likely will be in vain. So, pictures of his corpse, or his body as fish food. The modern world presents one with such unexpected quandaries...

Posted by scott at 01:47 PM eMail this entry!
No, Not the Cod that Comes from the Sea

Is that a... ok, what *is* that in your pants? (SFW) Speedos are bad enough. I can't wait for some chav or Jersey boy to get the bright idea to double up on one of these. Well, check that. I'm pretty sure I can wait a long, long time.

Posted by scott at 06:07 AM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2011
Family of the Year!

Ok, a small girl stabbing a man who's assaulting her mother seems pretty brave and effective. That is, until it's revealed she's done it before, to the same guy, for the same thing, when she was seven! I'm figuring "alcohol" wasn't mentioned because it goes without saying.

Posted by scott at 06:23 AM eMail this entry!
June 13, 2011
Annoying Mystery

A tiny English village has become the latest victim of, "the hum." In other news, weird humming sounds have been bedeviling various small towns, apparently around the world, for years. In Northern Virginia, we call this, "construction."

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2011
Ta-Da!

If you picked a Pathfinder, a highway, and a black bear, you just won the weirdest game of Clue ever. Unfortunately two people and the bear won't be able to play the game again. Remember, folks, guns don't kill people. Flying bears kill people.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
Definitely Not Glad to See Her

Today's "Mark Twain Truth vs. Fiction" award goes to the story of a man carrying a dead weasel who got arrested for assault. As the article notes, it was actually a marten, not a weasel. Because, you know, that's the important part of the story.

Posted by scott at 06:18 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2011
Stay Classy, Guys

Wisconsin's public sector unions are at it again, this time crashing a Special Olympics ceremony. Bonus comment: "I don't know about anyone else but Im alright with this." And no, you're not the only one who spotted a Westboro Baptist Church angle.

Posted by scott at 08:35 AM eMail this entry!
June 06, 2011
Ok. Everybody Panic.

Today's "sensationalize much?" entry in the slow news day contest is brought to you by the article that explains how the Internet is destroying the planet. No, surprisingly, they're not screeching about tentacle porn, but instead about global warming. Caused by the Internet. Really!

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2011
That's One Way to Finance Them

What to get the newlywed couple who already have everything? This one asked for just one thing: a boob job. Bonus: excellent use of the word, "tittays."

Posted by scott at 01:47 PM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2011
Not Cool, Not Cool at All

Buried deep inside one of those cheerful "the more you know" puff health articles lies a truly terrifying revelation: "Mosquitoes are more attracted to people after they drink a 12-ounce beer." Well, that's easy enough... let's up it to 24 ounces then!

Posted by scott at 01:25 PM eMail this entry!
An Unexpected Survival Guide

I think we can now officially declare that the whole zombie thing has jumped the shark. Presenting the gynecological survival guide for the zombie apocalypse. Zombie sex is just more than I'm wanting to imagine, even though I'm nearly certain porn has gone there at some point or another.

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2011
How About "No"?

There's dedication to the iPad, and then there's dedication to the iPad. All those times I've made fun of friends and their obsession with this glorified touch screen? Yeah, I'm not taking those back. I am, however, making room for a whole new level of obsession when it comes to fruit products.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
Gulag Circus

A new study indicates North Korea is one of the happiest places on Earth, because they say it is! Well of course... all the people who disagree are stuck in camps way up in the mountains!

Posted by scott at 07:53 AM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2011
Oh NOES!!!

"Experts" are saying cellphones are possibly cancerous. "[T]he study raised serious concerns because it showed a hint of a possible link between very heavy phone use and a rare but often deadly form of brain tumor. " Sign me and Ron up now, our wives are goners...

Posted by scott at 06:14 AM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2011
Hookah Hell

When confronted with the growth of hookah bars, what's the proper response? Mount an educational campaign to ensure everyone knows this really isn't much safer or healthier than regular smoking, or use the hammer of the state to pound round pegs into square holes? Hey, man, these nails won't drive themselves in, ya know? Silly me, still clinging to the notion that common people can be trusted...

Posted by scott at 05:22 PM eMail this entry!
Boo!!!

Nothing like a loud, unexpected BANG to make cleaning up a nuclear disaster just that much more fun. I'd ask, "what could be next?" but I'm pretty sure nobody really wants to know.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
May 26, 2011
What Will They Think of Next?

There's regular tasteless, and then there's Hustler tasteless (SFW). I would've picked the South Park guys to be the first out of the gate with some sort of Osama parody. It never occurred to me that Flynt's bunch would get there first.

Posted by scott at 03:01 PM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2011
Patron Saint of What??

The skull is allegedly that of St Vitalis of Assisi, an Italian Benedictine monk from the 14th century.

It belonged to an Anglo-Irish family from County Louth, and is housed in a Queen Anne case dating from the 17th century.

Everyone needs the Patron Saint of "genital disease" on their mantle!

Posted by Ellen at 07:30 PM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2011
Dead Man Fighting

With the recent passing of Randy Savage, more than 25 percent of the performers from Wrestlemania VII have died. While I respect the sport, I've never been much of a fan. Ellen, however, actually attended Wrestlemania at least once. I'll wager some on that list may surprise her.

Posted by scott at 11:40 AM eMail this entry!
Stuck on You

In the, "ya don't say" file we have news of the death of a man who'd sat in a chair so long he'd literally fused to it. Everyone concentrates on these morbidly obese people. Me, I want to know about the family members who keep bringing someone like that food long after it's patently obvious they need to stop eating.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
May 23, 2011
That's Mister POS Pony Car to You, Bub

The nights are long and lonely up north of the arctic circle. How else explain a Norwegian-modified Pontiac Trans Am? And not just any mods, oh no. We're talking 1400 hp and 1100 lb-ft of torque. Did I mention the 'bird in question started life as an '86 with 185k+ miles on the clock? Yeah, that's how it started. I'm predicting how it finishes involves a loud "boom" followed by tiny bits of neo-viking softly pattering down to the ground.

Posted by scott at 04:17 PM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2011
Of Course! It Makes Perfect Sense Now!

A new book is claiming "[t]he UFO crash at Roswell was actually Josef Stalin’s “War of the Worlds” stab at mass panic using German flying “discs” carrying deformed children aviators engineered by Nazi mad doctor Josef Mengele." Because a weather balloon is just so much harder to believe.

Posted by scott at 04:13 PM eMail this entry!
May 19, 2011
Celebrity Rehab Failure

Oh noes! One of our favorite and colorful characters of Celebrity Rehab succeeded in OD'ing.

Grease star Jeff Conaway is in a deep coma in hospital after taking an overdose of painkillers, it has emerged.

The actor, who played T-Bird Kenickie in the classic 1978 film, is unlikely to pull through, according to his manager.

Conaway has now been in a California hospital for a week after being found unconscious on the floor of his Encino home on May 11.

This is one messed up guy.

Posted by Ellen at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
Don't Buy That Car!

Thomas said not only were the bodies not refrigerated but the containers of remains were actually stacked, allowing the remains to be exposed if the containers fell open. Maggots were also seen on the boxes and the surrounding floor.

"If you are unable to refrigerate them you leave them with the funeral homes or seek assistance from another source," Thomas said. "Lambert kept accepting the bodies from different funeral homes despite the fact that he couldn't take care of them."

Here is a sad fact, when we send cats out for cremation at my work, they come back in 24-48 hours. Wouldn't you want to know where your loved one is if you don't get them back within a week?

Posted by Ellen at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
May 18, 2011
Wait... Really?

Ok, if labor loses a race in West Virginia... well, that's pretty much like having your mom, YOUR mom, admitting you may not be all that attractive. To your face. When you're 14. I thought libertarianism would never catch on, until Obama won the White House...

Posted by scott at 10:17 PM eMail this entry!
Darwin on a Board

The curious Australian practice of "planking" has claimed it's first victim. No, it's not some strange thing a jackaroo thought to do to a sheep, it's the practice of... oh, hell, go take a look. SFW.

Posted by scott at 06:20 AM eMail this entry!
May 17, 2011
May 16, 2011
Well That's... Interesting...

A German hairdresser has won the World Beard and Mustache Championship. Oh go on, you know you can't resist.

Posted by scott at 07:16 AM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2011
Stay Away from the Donkey Show

And in today's, "Asians are the weirdest people" file, we have (eventually) the story of an erotic 3D movie who's principal is the recipient of a donkey wang transplant. Sorry, folks, "3D donkey penis" is so far beyond where I'd draw the line it's on the other side of the world. Sheesh...

Posted by scott at 11:25 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2011
Da-Dum...Da-Dum...

The shark, which was confirmed as a great white by a state expert, was circling the carcass of a minke whale off of Gay Head, said Reginald Zimmerman, a spokesman for the Executive Office of Energy and Environmental Affairs.

Jeff Lynch of Chilmark, a commercial fisherman who sails out of Menemsha, said he was headed out to go mackerel fishing this morning with two friends when they spotted the dead whale, then saw the great white swimming around underneath it.

Yes, Jaws is alive and in Martha's Vineyard!

Posted by Ellen at 09:56 PM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2011
Look! It's Moving Its Head!

Ok, I'll admit, Olivia has a particular sense of humor. But she never... presented... one of her toys. Hey, I'm not judging. The video is horrifying and hysterical at the same time. Which is the point. If this doesn't somehow win an AFV prize there is no justice in the world.

Posted by scott at 10:18 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2011
Slash Dem Balls

Sometimes... well, sometimes you literally have to scratch your head. Like when a guy with a sexual fetish involving slashing exercise balls gets arrested, again. Let's all ponder that one for a moment. Nope, still doesn't make any sense.

Posted by scott at 10:15 PM eMail this entry!
Uh...Nice Blanket?

funny wedding photos - photo sheets - Wedding Night Every Night
see more Wedinator

Is it me, or does the bride look like she is about to eat the groom?!?

Posted by Ellen at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
Oprah Makes Anyone Talk!

After years of struggling with his sexuality, Chaz Bono finally opened up about his transition from female to male on the Oprah Winfrey show today. The 42-year-old, who was born the daughter of singer and actress Cher and the late Sonny Bono, was christened Chastity, and spotted regularly - all blonde locks and cutesy smile - on the couple's TV show in the 70s.

But in a moving interview, Bono told Winfrey that he felt his body was 'literally betraying' him when he went through puberty, as he watched in horror as it changed shape from athletic to curvy.

Why would you want to spill your guts out on something like this?

Need some attention maybe? Hmm?

Posted by Ellen at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2011
A Different Sort of Generation

For those of you who think today's advertisers cannot sink to any lower depths, we proudly present this 50 year-old Pepsi advertisement which declares Coke's rival is the "force fluid" of choice for restrained mental patients. Oh, I know. The only reason they don't do it now is the reaction it'd trigger.

Posted by scott at 06:25 PM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2011
Oh Yeah, There's Nothing Creepy About This

What do you get when you combine a guinea pig feeder with a pencil sharpener? Well, the Japanese call it "telekiss." Well, ok, they don't, more like "Telluu Kissuu" but you get the point. Or straw, if you get my drift.

Posted by scott at 07:10 PM eMail this entry!
Umm... Thanks?

That guy that's been knocking on people's doors all morning? You know, the one with a pitchfork and horns on his head? Red skin, parka, snow on his shoulders, trying to get us all to knock it off? Just hand him this last straw. That's right, folks, PETA itself not only said nice things about the military, they're even sending them chocolate, and you won't believe the kind of mold they used.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2011
The Question is WHY!!??

Like any other baby, Stanley sleeps in a crib, wears diapers, and loves nothing better than being comforted by his mother as she bottle feeds him.

Except Stanley Thornton is 30-years-old - and his 'mother' is really his room-mate.

Not right. I need eye bleach!

Posted by Ellen at 07:04 PM eMail this entry!
May 04, 2011
Natural Movie Prop Found!

Yvette Vickers, an early Playboy playmate whose credits as a B-movie actress included such cult films as “Attack of the 50-Foot Woman” and “Attack of the Giant Leeches,” was found dead last week at her Benedict Canyon home. Her body appears to have gone undiscovered for months, police said.
.

They said she might have been dead for a year!

Posted by Ellen at 05:39 AM eMail this entry!
May 03, 2011
Dude. Wait... What?

I'll give the communists this... they certainly knew how to build... well, ok, wait a minute. I have no idea what the hell they thought they were building. You, over in the commie section of the peanut gallery! You're an engineer! How's all that, well, you know... work?

Posted by scott at 06:24 PM eMail this entry!
May 02, 2011
Snake Heads...Snake Heads...

It's illegal to import live snakeheads into New York because they have been known to devour fish, ducks and mammals, upending the aquatic food chain in rivers and lakes.

"It is disheartening that people are willing to take a chance of these fish escaping and wreaking havoc on our eco-system for mere monetary gain," said Queens District Attorney Richard Brown

When there is $ involved, most of the time people like Yong Hao Wu could give a shit about the eco system. Look at the rest of the crap they introduced, and managed to ruin as well.

Posted by Ellen at 05:32 AM eMail this entry!
May 01, 2011
Yep, I Just Vomited A Bit In My Mouth

*With vomit worthy photo*

The event is a bit like karaoke, its organizers say, but instead of singing performers take the stage - fully clothed - and put on their best sex moves with an imaginary partner. The show begins at 10 p.m. Thursday at Stonefly Brewery, 735 E. Center Drive.

"These are gladiators, warriors . . . all making pretend love to imaginary partners," Trew said. "Hopefully some people will show up in costumes with choreographed routines."

The question is WHY???

Posted by Ellen at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
April 25, 2011
Splish Splash

A 78 year old woman who was accidentally dropped into the Arctic Ocean has died. 26 degree water for 8 minutes, no less. Can you say "gramma-sickle"? I knew you could...

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2011
I WANT TO BELIEVE

It's official: E.T. lives in Russia, not Roswell, and he's really, really tiny. With video! Oh, don't worry, I don't think so either. But it does make for a fun start to a Thursday!

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
OCD Action in The Bathroom

"Everyone showers, and everyone encounters this issue," Ross told AOL News. "I just wanted to create a simple solution to a very common problem that people don't often discuss."

Ross came up with the idea for the product in his own bathroom after his fiancee had a traumatic post-shower experience of her own.

"She got out of the shower and accidentally used my towel. When she realized what she'd done, she was thoroughly grossed out and found herself wondering where my towel had been. I didn't know how to answer that since I really didn't know myself. That sparked the idea for the towel," Ross said.

I have a better idea. It's called get another towel.

Posted by Ellen at 05:50 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2011
Narrow Escape

Air traffic controllers at Andrews Air Force Base ordered the first lady's plane to make a series of maneuvers to avoid contact with the 200-ton C-17 military jet as it approached the airport. Eventually, controllers decided to abort the 737's scheduled landing after they determined the military plane would not have enough time to clear the runway before the presidential plane arrived.

What is up with ATC lately?

Posted by Ellen at 06:52 PM eMail this entry!
April 18, 2011
Wish-Washing Away

Another day, another remarkably horrifying video of the Japanese tsunami. I find it remarkable how the Japanese manage to not QUITE video tape the moment someone gets washed away in this thing. I guess they're just not as morbid as I am. Oh, and what an f-ing mess!

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2011
Rifle Go Boom

Mark gets a no-prize that should serve as a lesson to all gun enthusiasts for bringing us this graphic lesson in why pistol powder and rifle powder don't mix. I didn't even know there was such a difference. I'll stick to small helicopters. Less likely to kill.

Posted by scott at 03:12 PM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2011
Just Nod Your Head And They May Go Away!

LOS ANGELES (KTLA) -- Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband says he and his wife are planning to have a baby with the help of artificial insemination and a surrogate mother.

According to Anhalt, his 94-year-old wife has always dreamed of having a child with him -- preferably a boy -- to carry on the Gabor name, because "when she goes, the whole family will be gone."

Odd.

Posted by Ellen at 09:56 PM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2011
~ Oh, The Airplane Goes Round and Round / And it Comes Out Here ~

Alternate title: A380: 1, puddle jump jet: 0. With video! Fortunately, nobody got hurt. I'm thinking there will be plenty of blame to go around for this one, but the place to start will likely be the airport's taxi controller. Good times...

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
Nasty Stuff

Japan's nuclear safety commission has now declared Fukushima a disaster of epic proportions. The article includes this helpful definition: "One terabecquerel is one trillion becquerels." Ya don't say!

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2011
Well That's a Comforting Thought

"AMCG," we hear you ask, "that recent Southwest flight peeling open like a ripe can of sardines... well, it got me thinking. Just what would happen to a person if the can opener started right above their head at 30,000 feet?" Fear not, gentle one-time-skydiver, AMCGLTD is on the case! And that, friends, is why we both sit with seat belts synched down tight whenever we fly.

Posted by scott at 07:35 PM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2011
Captain, Departing

Remember that Mythbusters episode when they ginned up experiments to see if explosive decompression could suck someone out of a cockpit? All they really had to do was ask this guy. Wouldn't surprise me one bit if the episode was inspired by the story, but I don't recall them actually mentioning it in the film.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2011
Mmm... Spicy...

Coming soon to an Indian buffet near you: dead chick curry. And all this time I thought it was rural Korean cuisine we needed to be careful about.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 05, 2011
Snuggle Sack!

I need one of these!

Posted by Ellen at 07:26 PM eMail this entry!
April 04, 2011
TLC Tugg... What??

Literally, this guy was on Howard Stern last week. Tonight, he was on the TIVO talking about his "Tuggers".

Posted by Ellen at 08:18 PM eMail this entry!
Oh Yeah, That's Just Great...

Just when you thought mainland China couldn't get any more twisted, streetcorners in Beijing start sprouting vendors selling live animals sealed in bags as "key chains." Yes, it's cruel, no, it's not illegal. That said, the advice at the end of the article is quite good: if people stop buying them, vendors will stop selling them.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2011
Now That's a Party!

Headline: Water Walking Balls Have Risk Of Suffocation Drowning And Injury. Personally, I think they should be called "Jesus Balls." What? You really didn't think I'd pass that opportunity up, did you?

Posted by scott at 12:35 PM eMail this entry!
When People Stop Being Polite...

Ok, ok, a Wisconsin GOP congressman stepped on his own crank on camera, I get it. But... dude!!! Duffy ended up an f-'ing politician! I remember watching this guy on Real World and Road Rules. The mind boggles.

Update: He married Rachel, and they have six kids! There really is life after MTV. Who knew?

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2011
Sensationalist. S-E-N-S-A-T-I-O-N-A-L-I-S-T. Sensationalist.

Fox News headline: "Japan's Nuclear Rescuers: 'Inevitable Some of Them May Die Within Weeks'" Content of article reveals: they literally rang up one of the workers' moms and let her sob into the phone for an hour. Look, I get it that the workers are heroes and are doing amazing things. But his mom? I'm over 40 and my mom still worries when I catch a cold. Moms are not a source for objective news.

Posted by scott at 01:46 PM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2011
Everything Old is... Old...

I don't know, I guess I shouldn't be surprised Adam Ant is now a fat middle-aged white guy. Ellen's always amazed at how naive we all were about sexuality in the 80s. All I can say is when the guy wearing makeup and Indian feathers ended up being straight while the guy in the jacket and jeans was not, well, how were we supposed to get it right?

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
March 29, 2011
It was All Fun and Games Until the Warehouse Floated Away

Another day, another amazing video of just how destructive a tsunami can be. I'd like to think the people who lived and worked in all those buildings had long since evacuated to higher ground. "Prevarication in this instance may help."

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
Get Out.

Lisa, a full-time carer, said she was sceptical when her children started complaining about hearing noises and seeing objects move on their own.

But she became suspicious after her pet dog was mysteriously killed last October after apparently being shoved down the stairs.

I'd move. '

Posted by Ellen at 06:01 AM eMail this entry!
March 28, 2011
Number 43 Is The Winner

Er... Many thanks to Ron for something this odd.

Posted by Ellen at 09:27 PM eMail this entry!
March 27, 2011
Garage Go BOOM!

Reason I only want small helicopters, #5: the batteries won't literally blow my garage to pieces if things go wrong. Then again, it may all be a hoax. Still, food for thought.

Posted by scott at 06:45 PM eMail this entry!
Grr... *Plop* BANG BANG BANG!

Ok, Ellen's been annoyed, more than once, by dog owners who use our yard without picking up the mess. But even she has never been quite this annoyed. The price of real liberty would at times seem to include wacky people doing stupid things. Fortunately nobody got killed.

Posted by scott at 06:28 PM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2011
It's Like Skeeter Flavored Cotton Candy!

In some places (like Texas!) the spiders can cocoon entire trees. Unlike the article's author, as long as they stay in their damned trees, I think anything that can kill zillions of mosquitoes at a time is just about as angelic as it can get.

Posted by scott at 07:19 AM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2011
The Odd Couple...No Really!

The couple choose and name the "girls" together and go shopping once a month for new outfits, wigs and make-up, costing £100,000 so far.

Uh...uncomfortable moment.

With a video too! SFW!

Posted by Ellen at 07:45 PM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2011
WTF IS THAT THING!!!

"We have a duty to ensure the safety of our guests, our employees and other volunteers, and we take that responsibility very seriously," said Craig Pugh, the zoo's executive director and chief executive officer. "We will not tolerate such action. We are fully cooperating with law enforcement in its active investigation, and appreciate the close coordination between zoo security and the Tampa Police Department."

This is why you escort your kids into public restrooms. You wind up with sick S*%t like this!

Posted by Ellen at 09:52 PM eMail this entry!
Those Meddling Kids!

The teens thought it was a ghost, but when they went to the bedroom on the third floor of the home, the boy noticed that the door to the room was closed, although he had remembered leaving it open, Dangerfield said.
YUCK!
Posted by Ellen at 09:39 PM eMail this entry!
I'm So Glad He's Here to Tell Us These Things

Well, duh: capitalism may be to blame for the lack of life on Mars. No, sorry, that really is what he said. Hey, if it means a one-way trip for Micheal Moore, I'm all for it.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2011
Too Old

Everyone's favorite symbol for pederasts (and, really, who DOESN'T have a favorite symbol for pederasty?) is featured prominently in an ad for a computer repair center founded in part by a convicted sex offender. Supposedly everything is on the up-and-up, as it were, and this is all a gigantic coincidence. Me? Meh...

Posted by scott at 11:45 AM eMail this entry!
Not So Fabulous

In the, "I'm surprised it's taken this long" box, we now have an iPhone app that promises to help "cure" homosexuality. Naturally, some people have a problem with this, which is fine with me. Predictably, some of those people want the app pulled outright, which is not fine with me. "If you don't like it, don't watch it" would, it seems, only apply to the "correct" sort of speech.

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2011
I'm Pretty Sure That'll Void The Warranty, Too

Chris gets a... a no-prize for bringing us a guy who stuffed a cellphone, MP3 player, headphones, cash, and some pot up his backside before going to jail. Bonus: TSG invents "Keystered." I've long known junkies were stupid. I had no idea they were, well, a specific sort of flexible.

Posted by scott at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2011
Oh, Come On...

They told me if I voted for John McCain the next administration would use the school system itself to spy on my children, and they were right! Oh, and the section of the peanut gallery going, "you're just exaggerating what's actually a very minor policy change?" Yeah, let's all go back in time to 2002, to other sorts of protests you've obviously forgotten.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2011
God's Eraser

Nothing quite like a collection of "swipe-able" before and after pictures to put a natural disaster into perspective. Not much else to say, really.

And then there's this...

Posted by scott at 10:33 AM eMail this entry!
March 12, 2011
America's Got Talent

A Maryland woman arriving home by herself has been killed by her own car. And that, folks, is why God invented the parking brake.

Posted by scott at 03:18 PM eMail this entry!
And The Nuclear Power Plant Goes, "KABOOM!"

First the building's there, then it's not. Go for the amazing footage. Stay for the ridiculously inane commentary. Remember, folks, they're paid to be pretty and read well, but not to think.

Posted by scott at 09:20 AM eMail this entry!
March 11, 2011
Long Jump

SAN FRANCISCO (CBS 5) — An eleventh-grade honors student from Windsor High School survived a plunge off San Francisco’s famed Golden Gate Bridge on Thursday, authorities and onlookers told CBS 5.

The 17-year-old was participating in a humanities class field trip and crossing the bridge when he jumped off between the South Tower and Fort Point into San Francisco Bay, said Windsor Unified School District Superintendent Bill McDermott.

Witnesses to the incident, which occured shortly after 11 a.m., used the word “traumatizing” to describe what they had seen.

I like how the surfer was angry at the kid.

Posted by Ellen at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2011
Classroom Porn

Tera Myers, 38, was put on administrative leave at Parkway North High School this week after a student inquired about pornographic films Myers starred in during the 1990s.

Here is the real question. WHY was this kid watching porn anyway? Where are his parents? WTF? I think someone older in the recognized her, that's what I think.

You can catch the entire story here.

Posted by Ellen at 09:42 PM eMail this entry!
Oh Noes! Not the Anchovies!

Today's, "ZOMG!!! Apocalypse is nigh!" sensational media story concerns anchovies and a California beach. The picture is pretty impressive. I'll bet the smell is, too.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2011
LOSING!

(CNN) -- Warner Bros. Television has fired actor Charlie Sheen from its comedy "Two and a Half Men" after a two-week public meltdown by the star that has included attacks on the show's creator.

"After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen's services on 'Two and a Half Men,' effective immediately," the company said in a statement issued Monday. There was no immediate response from Sheen to the news.

I wonder what Howard Stern will say tomorrow!

Posted by Ellen at 09:45 PM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2011
Paging Professor Humphrey, White Courtesy Phone Please

I tell ya, if my electives were like this, I wouldn't have skipped them so much. Go for the story, stay to speculate on the want/do not want of the couple in question. SFW.

do_not_want2.jpg
Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
Hey, Man, This Cigarette Tastes Like Sh--

Today's "fun fact:" the human backside can accommodate more than 30 items. The more you know...

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2011
Dude. Wait... What?

Two words: Botas Exoticas. Even without actually speaking Spanish, I'm pretty sure that means "exotic boots." Which is what those are, in a very... pointed... way.

Posted by scott at 06:53 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2011
Wank-a-Mole

Ok, on the one hand, an annoying fundie getting arrested for indecent exposure is darkly amusing. On the other... way too perfect. I trust this report about as far as I can throw... something really heavy. It might be true, but it might be character assassination.

Posted by scott at 06:45 PM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2011
Scratch Scratch Cough Thud... Woof

Remember the old saying about getting up with fleas? Turns out there's more to it than just not lying down with your smelly old dog. I thought it couldn't get worse than incontinent cats. I was wrong.

Posted by scott at 09:42 AM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2011
Let's Play

Mike J. gets a no-prize that weirdly evokes Custer's Last Stand for bringing us news that "grown-up" games are coming (as it were) to the Wii. Unfortunately the video's gotten blocked, so the incomplete text is all we have. I'm actually a bit surprised it's taken this long.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2011
And The Parents Of The Year Award Goes To...

The 25-year-old Staten Island mother, and we use the term lightly, told reporters she said to the precinct officer in front of her daughter, "What happens if a parent doesn't want their child?"

She should have been charged with stupidity, because the 6-year-old will never forget that as long as she lives.

Picture? Wonder no more at the losers they are.

Posted by Ellen at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2011
A Tourist Tip!

Fast fact: It is illegal to deliver the Gettysburg Address on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial without permission from the U.S. National Park Service.

Can we say that park officer was having a bad day.

Asinine!

Posted by Ellen at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2011
Yum

Another day, another group of propeller-heads prattling on about how "bugs is good eatin'!" I'll believe we're in a genuine food crisis when the US no longer needs to prop up crop futures with subsidies. Tip to the nerds: we pay farmers not to produce around here. All the developed countries do.

Posted by scott at 01:37 PM eMail this entry!
February 19, 2011
Oh Noes!

The national Christmas tree, a Colorado blue spruce that has stood on the spot since 1978, has been blown down. The mulching of the snapped tree is scheduled for later today, apparently. The winds here really are ridiculous. Dulles is making airplanes fly an approach I've never seen before, well to the East of the normal approach vectors.

Posted by scott at 02:45 PM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2011
Dead On Your Feet, Dead in Your Seat

Making the rounds: a woman died at work sitting in her cubicle, but nobody noticed until the next day. A Saturday, no less. I've heard that the only way to get government workers out was feet first, but I didn't think anyone meant it literally.

Posted by scott at 03:43 PM eMail this entry!
Even Maniacs Have Their Limits

Making the rounds: recent rumors give Steve Jobs only weeks to live. Zsa Zsa Gabor has been trying to die for what seems like years now, so I guess anything can happen. Still, 55 is way too early.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2011
Ya Think?

A 60 year old dudecicle is found in an unheated Chicagoland apartment. In February. "Officials" say death was likely cold-related. There's a reason why they stick interns and newbie reporters on the night beat. This is the reason.

Posted by scott at 09:03 PM eMail this entry!
Multitasking!

A BRITISH local council is planning to use excess energy from a crematorium incinerator to heat one of its swimming pools, it emerged today, but critics slammed the proposals as "sick".

Spiffy!

Posted by Ellen at 06:26 AM eMail this entry!
Elephant Tries to Steal TV, Fails

Her attempt was foiled, however, when her motorised cart got stuck in the exit door.

What has Oakland Co. come to. Tsk Tsk.

YOUR tax dollars at work right there. The scooter, her mental anguish causing her to overeat and have bad joints and not be able to work, but to sit there and watch T.V. and shoplift. Disability benefits at it's best! WIN!

Oh yeah, and Obama wants to help this.

Posted by Ellen at 06:17 AM eMail this entry!
February 14, 2011
Hooray for Equal Opportunity

Villagers in a small UK town are outraged because police have informed them they must remove the wire covering their sheds' windows to ensure burglars don't get hurt. Always remember equality is much more important than your stuff, and fairness only works in the direction our superiors wish. They have our best interests at heart, after all.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2011
Stupid is...

When asked the question, "which country with nuclear weapons has a population in which a significant percentage believes the sun revolves around the earth, humans lived with dinosaurs, and radiation is man-made" would, since you read our ever-so-neutral MSM, answer "The United States, Sir!" Heck it may even be true. But it's not the only answer.

Posted by scott at 07:52 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2011
Foil Hat Airways

I'm not sure just how seriously someone claiming the Denver International Airport is... ok, I'm not quite sure what they're claiming, but it involves Satan, Mayan calendars, and a lot of unnecessary concrete. Someone with a higher tolerance for lunacy should go read the text and summarize what the hell his problem is. I just scrolled down and looked at the pictures. Which, I must say, are plenty weird enough.

And, really, what airport isn't a kind of way station for the damned?

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2011
Oh, Hey, Why Not Spend More?

He really meant what he said: the Obama administration's upcoming budget will include $53 billion dollars for high-speed rail. Fortunately the grownups are back in charge, so I'm expecting this to literally go nowhere. Unfortunately, it shows The One is still dangerously out of touch with mainstream America.

Well, unfortunate only if you're wanting The One to get re-elected. I have a feeling you may know which side of that fence we're sitting on.

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2011
The Cluck of DOOM

And in the "What a Way to Go" file we have a man in California who was stabbed to death by a fighting rooster. Remember, folks, guns don't kill people, cocks kill people.

What? You really thought I had the power to resist that? You don't come around here all that much then, do you?

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
You'll Shoot Your Nuts Off, Kid

Another day, another teen too stupid to follow the basic rules of handgun safety. The only time I remember my dad genuinely scaring me was when he explained, in graphic detail, what he would do to me if he ever caught me treating a gun like a toy. The rules he laid out have stuck with me to this day, one of which is: do not play with loaded guns.

Of course, then there was the time he blew a hole in the carpet with a shotgun he got careless with, but nobody's perfect.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2011
Ok, That's Trippy

Sometimes the brain gets crossed up for reasons nobody really understands. I always like the simple illusions best. I had a tough time back in the late 80s when those "holographic" posters were so popular. They always looked like colored snow to me.

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2011
IMPACT!

As the Northeast Regional 111 train chugged south about 8:30 a.m., an engineer spotted the majestic bird and blasted his horn. At first, the eagle didn't budge, Koppie said. Then it slowly took off - too late. The train arrived at Washington Union Station two hours later with the bird stuck to the locomotive, like an emblem.

Oopsie?

Posted by Ellen at 09:57 PM eMail this entry!
Coo-Coo!

A mental hospital in the US state of Oregon is trying to identify the cremated remains of 3,500 patients that were hidden in a storage room for decades.

Room of The Lost Souls

Posted by Ellen at 09:31 PM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2011
Umm... Ouch?

Two words I never expected to see together: corkscrew castration (SFW). Bonus: the accused admits to kicking the ever-lovin' crap out of the victim, but denies killing him. Look, I get the whole "men never ever hit women" meme, but if a chick comes after my personals with a corkscrew I'm sorry, it's on.

Posted by scott at 06:06 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2011
And You Just Thought Iceland Was Only To See Volcanos!

The Icelandic Phallological Museum contains a collection of two hundred and nine penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland. Visitors to the museum will encounter fifty five specimens belonging to sixteen different kinds of whale, one specimen taken from a rogue polar bear, thirty-six specimens belonging to seven different kinds of seal and walrus, and one hundred and fifteen specimens originating from twenty different kinds of land mammal: all in all, a total of two hundred and nine specimens belonging to forty six different kinds of mammal. It should be noted that the museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens. Besides there are some twenty-three folklore specimens and forty foreign ones. Altogether the collection contains 272 specimens from 92 different species of animals.

In addition to the biological section of the museum, visitors can view the collection of about three hundred artistic oddments and other practical utensils related to the museum´s chosen theme.

Well...err...someone has to collect them.

Nice Save

No matter how well designed or engineered, sometimes you can't count on the highway to save you. I wonder if the car had traction control on it? Regardless, something tells me nobody would blame the car's driver if an underwear change was in order.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2011
How... Distracting...

Well, hey, if a lady can make her living selling cast bronze lynx penis bone necklaces, who am I to take exception. Aaand all together, now: "No Ellen, You Can't Have One."

Much better than last time.

Posted by scott at 05:02 PM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2011
Air Food

Suddenly the Japan v. China "who's the weirdest" test was interrupted when a Brit ran onto the field. Food? In the smoke? It's more likely than you think...

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2011
Top 10 Yuck!!

Top 10 dirtiest hotels.

YUCK!!!

Posted by Ellen at 04:16 PM eMail this entry!
Have a Toke and a Smile

And in today's "sometimes there's no improving on the actual text" file we have "Scott Riddell, founder of Diavolo Brands, which is marketing Canna Cola, likened it to a "light beer" and said "it's got a mild marijuana taste," compared with heavier tasting competitors with three times the THC".

Which of course means there are other weed sodas in California. And now this guy's gonna start running ads. I love this country!

Posted by scott at 06:27 AM eMail this entry!
January 25, 2011
More a Crunch Than a Splat

I guess "soft landing" is a relative thing when someone jumps off the roof of a building. Surviving is not the same thing as walking away, and it sounds as if she's pretty thoroughly injured. Don't try this at home!

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
January 24, 2011
Inside Outside

And now, a human anatomy ballgown. That'd be another volley in the game of "who's weirder, China or Japan?" Ball's in Nihon's court now, bring on the tentacles!

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 07:15 AM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2011
Steampunk Palin Graphic Novel

Just when you thought people could not get clever enough.

Posted by Ellen at 10:27 AM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2011
SnowPlowGoesWhere???

Yeah. About those "max weight limit" signs? Sometimes bad things happen when you ignore them. Hopefully the driver got out OK.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2011
House Go Boom

Ever wonder what a residential gas explosion looks like up close? Wonder no more. Matchsticks in a tenth of a second, indeed.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
I Can't Fa- Oh, Wait, I Guess I Can

Making the rounds: Playboy is planning an uncensored edition of Playboy for the iPad. Of all the genuinely bizarre things modern technology allows, looking at pr0n* in public has got to be right at the top. And then there's the problem of keeping the thing clean.

EWWWW!!!

-----
* In the case of Playboy, this is of course to be taken in its broadest sense.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
January 15, 2011
Candygram! Candygram! Landshark. Candygram!

Bull sharks have been spotted swimming down the main street of an Australian town 16 miles from the coast. Leave it to the Australians to decide a gigantic wall of water just isn't enough. It's gotta be a wall of water full of sharks!

Posted by scott at 07:23 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2011
Dont' Drink and Fly

BUCHAREST (Reuters Life!) - There was nothing mysterious about the death of a flock of birds in Romania last week -- they were simply drunk, veterinarians said.
Odd.
Posted by Ellen at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
January 12, 2011
Trust Me I Wear Purple Leopard.

Okay, idiots, it goes like this: God is mad that we repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, because the more honest we allow people to be about their sexuality, the more likely they are to someday marry one another, in violation of "biblical principles." So, God decided to kill some blackbirds in the sky. He wanted to connect the bird massacre to Bill Clinton, because he introduced DADT, but he felt like killing them over Clinton, Arkansas would be too obvious. So he murdered those blackbirds in Bebee, AR, to connect them to the current governor, who connects them to the former governor.

Bat shit crazy person alert!

Posted by Ellen at 06:05 AM eMail this entry!
Back The F Up WBC!

PHOENIX — Arizona legislators quickly approved emergency legislation Tuesday to head off picketing by a Topeka, Kan., church near the funeral service for a 9-year-old girl who was killed in the Tucson shootings.

Unanimous votes by the House and Senate sent the bill to Gov. Jan Brewer, who signed it Tuesday night. It took effect immediately.

Without specifically mentioning the Tucson shooting, the law prohibits protests at or near funeral sites.

Really WBC? One day an entire crowd is going to beat the living shit out of you all.

Asswipes.

Posted by Ellen at 05:59 AM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2011
No, I Said Luger

Making the rounds: Neapolitan man survives gunshot wound and sneezes the bullet out of his nose, thereby inventing the world's first small-caliber booger.

Posted by scott at 11:36 AM eMail this entry!
Cow Crash

Sometimes, all you need is a summary: woman celebrates the birth of her daughter after they both survived a tornado and a falling cow. Definitely not something that comes up very often on storm chasers, the whole "flying livestock" thing.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2011
Somehow, A-1 Bug Sauce Doesn't Have the Same Ring

And in today's issue of "Clueless Scientist Monthly," we have the idea that meat producers should switch to bug farming because of insects' smaller carbon footprint. Fortunately, this one comes to us courtesy of a Netherlands science group, so at least my tax dollars weren't used to fund this "study." Quick! To the private jets! It's time for another climate conference to discuss the implications! I hear Antigua is very nice this time of the year.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
January 04, 2011
Merry Holiday!

CNN: Hundreds of people may have been exposed to Hepatitis A during a Christmas day mass. Yeah, not the greatest gift for the season right there.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
January 03, 2011
Mark Your Calendars

It would seem an adequate number of trumpet players has been found. Of course, "beginning of the end" is a pretty easy one to predict. Me, I'll wait until the angels start arcing across the sky, hopefully with enough time for me to yell "HA-HA!" at Joshua. And Ron.

Posted by scott at 06:08 PM eMail this entry!
Knife Kill

Another day, another chick waking up dead from a botched plastic surgery. Yet another reason to follow the ol' "eat less, exercise more" weight loss method.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
Oh Dear...

If you're 37-year-old Michigan telemarketer Dave Cat, you have the $6,500 rubber lady "reincarnated." Which is to say, you commission an exact replica of her to be stripped, molded and painted. And you bring her back from the freakin' dead.

Funny this is, he was in a TV show called TABOO.

Yuck.

Posted by Ellen at 05:59 AM eMail this entry!
January 01, 2011
All I'm Saying is She Better Flush the Damned Toilet

Just when you thought Japan was the wackiest Asian country, China comes along and ups that very weird ante. Ya know, giving yourself a parasitic infection to lose weight is an idea so crazy it just might work. Not.

Posted by scott at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2010
Collar Go Boom

Remember that pizza delivery guy who got blown up in a bizarre bank robbery scheme? The uncut video that seemed to be required viewing six, seven years ago? Yeah, they're still not completely sure just what the hell actually happened there. Not often you get to say, "dude gets his face blown off, and then it gets weird."

Posted by scott at 05:47 PM eMail this entry!
Happy Holiday

Remember, folks, guns don't kill people, neck massagers kill people. Another day, another freak accident triggers a new ridiculous warning label on an appliance.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 28, 2010
Speaking of Snow...

Ever wonder why any piece of powered equipment you buy nowadays is covered in so many ridiculously stupid warning stickers you can barely see the paint? This is why. F- kids, how grownups managed to survive all those decades without warning stickers I never will know.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
December 26, 2010
Smoke 'em if Ya Got 'em

Making the rounds: Hugh Hefner is getting married for the third time, to a 24 year-old playmate. Meh. She's a grownup, it's not like anyone's making her do this. Plus she'll have him around for, what, ten, fifteen years, tops? Hey, I hear the guy has a nice house, how bad can it be?

Posted by scott at 05:24 PM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2010
Really, You Shouldn't Have

And you thought figuring out what to do with that puce sweater gramma gave you was tough: the Iraqi government is trying to decide what to do with an entire Koran written with Saddam Hussein's blood. Seven freaking gallons of the stuff, no less. Seems like he had a really great idea back in the late 90s, and the project took two years to complete. Just when you thought everyone's favorite Arab fascist couldn't get any weirder...

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2010
Ya Think? It Took THIS To Get Him Arrested?

"He actually provided a how-to guide to commit sexual battery against children," according to Judd, who said he was shocked and mortified by specific examples and illustrations using 9- and 13-year-old boys.

Judd said he was frustrated that Greaves' book was protected under freedom of speech laws, even though it was created "specifically to teach people how to sexually molest and rape children."

I hope they put this guy away for quite a long time.

And we all know what happens to child rapists and killers in prison? They usually don't make it out alive themselves.

The guy WROTE a HOW TO guide. You would think he would have been put away for publishing it!

Posted by Ellen at 10:13 PM eMail this entry!
SS Reindeer vs. Thin Ice

Yeah, I know, You'll see Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Drowneder and Blitzen is much funnier, but I gotta try to be original. This would also make for a really nifty redneck trap.

Posted by scott at 06:16 PM eMail this entry!
December 18, 2010
Ugh...Honey? Uh, I Mean Bees! Red!??

New York City beekeeper Cerise (seh-REEZ') Mayo was puzzled when her bees started showing up with mysterious red coloring. Their honey also turned as red as cough syrup.

Read full story here.

I cannot wait for my house in the country so I can have my small bee colony!

Posted by Ellen at 12:29 PM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2010
That's One Way to Do It

Oklahoma has become the first US state to execute an inmate with drugs commonly used to euthanize animals. Ellen's been advocating this sort of thing for years. She thinks it's likely cheaper than the existing protocol, and just as effective. Hey, man, that's just how she rolls...

Posted by scott at 07:10 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2010
Dad Protection, Old School

What most dads threaten boyfriends with, this German guy actually did. I'd be more along the lines of, "beat within an inch of his life" rather than, "whack off the dangly bits," but I do have to say I can see where this guy was coming from.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2010
And He Deserved That Bite.

Kids like that learn to beat other people, not just animals. His parents suck.

Posted by Ellen at 05:09 PM eMail this entry!
You Want to What?!?

I've heard of blood transfusions and organ transplants, but poo transplants? Yeah, I'd like to see more science first, too. Colitis is both deadly and miserable, so if someone has found an effective treatment, I'm all for it no matter how gross it might be. But it does need to actually work.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
December 13, 2010
Yet Another Reason to Hate the DMV

What happens when you combine a guy who dresses like a chick, an un-fire-able bureaucrat, and the state of California? If you said, "lawsuit-ilarity," come down and collect your prize. The worst part is this'll likely drag on for years, cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, and not resolve a damned thing. Hooray for government, actual!

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
Gimme A Broom Stick

Regional figures show icicles kill dozens of Russians each year. Local authorities responsible for regularly clearing roofs of snow and ice are usually blamed.

Not only do they have to worry about starving to death, dying of alcohol poisoning and other Soviet fun, they have to worry about this!

Posted by Ellen at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
December 12, 2010
The Dude Is "Nuts"

The (Peoria) Journal Star says the woman attendant told police Thompson asked for "extra nuts" for the squirrel, and began petting it as if it were still alive. She says when she said she didn't think the squirrel was real, Thompson tossed it through the window at her and then drove off.

Read entire quip here.

Posted by Ellen at 06:46 PM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2010
Vomit Chips

I suppose you have to have an acquired taste for haggis flavored chips.

Posted by Ellen at 07:35 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2010
Only Our Airport

Oh wait... I forgot, this was the airport that let the planes fly into the NY Trade Centers too.

With pixes!

Posted by Ellen at 09:47 PM eMail this entry!
I Know... I'm NOT Supposed To Laugh...

Watch how one guy gets pulled into the grave too... poor dude.

Posted by Ellen at 09:38 PM eMail this entry!
My Friend Was On This Boat!

Bad weather, resulting in 30-foot waves in the Antarctic's Drake Passage, was said to have caused the technical damage, leaving the 160 people on board at the mercy of the sea.
With a video!

Glad you are OK Cindy! Go back to rescuing homeless animals!

Posted by Ellen at 09:22 PM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2010
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is On Fire

Bad: explosives-laden home is discovered in a suburban neighborhood. Worse: It's in a state that'll turn getting rid of it into a decade-long project costing millions of dollars. I'd imagine that other places (west Texas, central Ohio, basically any place that has fun fireworks) would be shouting "watch this!" and throwing a match in.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
December 06, 2010
Clear as Mud

Ok, I admit it, I occasionally follow a few of the ridiculous pop-culture dramas that regularly stream out of Hollywood. I, too, had wondered just what the hell had gone wrong with Randy Quaid. After reading this in-depth profile of him and his wife, I'm still wondering what the hell's gone wrong. It's awfully easy to blame a kooky wife. Then again it's damned rare for two people to fall into the deep end of the crazy pool at the same time. I can only hope they learn to swim out before they drown.

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
December 05, 2010
When Cellphones Attack

No, really, when cellphones attack. Lucky for me, I hate talking on the phone and therefore do it as little as possible. Ellen? Well, let's just say if exploding cellphones really were a deadly problem, I would've been a life insurance beneficiary long before now.

Posted by scott at 12:02 PM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2010
How... Charming...

No, really, why would anyone have a problem with a "snow klansman," complete with hanging noose in one hand? Yeah, it's Idaho, so the eight or so black people who live in the state almost certainly didn't see the thing. From the article, the man in question sounds like a hateful old kook who's annoying but basically harmless. I'm just glad he knocked it down on his own, because I'm pretty sure teenagers in the area would've been less discriminant about it.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2010
Snow Days: You're Doing it Wrong

Making the rounds: the recent snow storm in the Buffalo area has left drivers stranded on the highway for more than 12 hours. Ok, normally I tell people we don't drive our Alfas in the winter because of the road salt. It never occurred to me it might be possible for me to be forced to camp out in one. Yeah, gonna put this in the, "reasons I don't ever, EVER, want to live in the snow shadow of the great lakes" file, that's for sure.

Posted by scott at 02:37 PM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2010
Teetering Off Their Meds Again

Just what everyone needs for the holidays!

The end of the world prophecies!

Posted by Ellen at 08:15 PM eMail this entry!
Yuck, Just Yuck.

Two ladies that hit and all time low.

No need for shopping bags for these 2!

Posted by Ellen at 08:10 PM eMail this entry!
No, Ellen, You Can't Have It

Making the rounds: the coffin which once held Lee Harvey Oswald's body will soon be auctioned off. What I want to know is, who'd hold onto something like that for nearly twenty years? It's not like it can be used as a coffee table or anything. Well, in a normal house, not like ours, I mean...

Posted by scott at 01:42 PM eMail this entry!
November 27, 2010
Do You Know Where Your Kid Is

Yes, teenage boys wake up dead due to any number of causes. It's not at all common for them to end up that way 800 miles from where they were last seen. The latest theory is he may have fallen out of an airplane wheel well. Police, grasping at straws? Oh hell, I dunno...

Posted by scott at 09:43 AM eMail this entry!
November 24, 2010
Gotta Learn Somehow

Leave it to a Canadian newspaper to explain just what, exactly, is involved in a stoning. Unfortunately this time around "women with false beards on" isn't part of the equation.

Posted by scott at 06:07 AM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2010
What a Great Idea!

Presumably tired of making the lives of veterans' families miserable, the loons of the Westboro Baptist Church have decided to picket a mosque in Dearborn, MI. It's listed as being the largest mosque in the states, so I'm thinking the vast majority of attendees are just normal people trying to get by. Unfortunately, as with any religious community, simple statistics means there are likely even more of the wacko kind of Muslim nearby.

In other words, they seem to have taken on a target that's much more likely to hit back.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
November 17, 2010
Heyy-ya-HUP!

And in the, "Thank You, Captain Obvious" folder we find this morning the revelation that city morgue workers treat dead bodies the way the DMV treats everyone else. When you deal with it every day, even the grimmest duty can become routine.

"Doing bad things to dead people" trifecta now in play...

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2010
The Mystery of the McRib

Deep down inside I still want to try one.

Posted by Ellen at 09:29 PM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2010
Dude, She's a Dog

No, really, Australian pro rugby athlete now unemployed after a picture of him doing... something... with a dog gets loose on the internet. The specifics are not in the article, and I'm pretty happy with that. Dog seems to have been unharmed.

Posted by scott at 04:24 PM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2010
Low Clearance

Ok, not completely sure it's real, but if it is, this, friends, is an abject lesson about why one "must keep hands, feet, and head in the ride at all times." SFW and not gross, but dang, I bet that left a mark.

Posted by scott at 06:37 PM eMail this entry!
November 11, 2010
Moral: Don't do Drugs

Making the rounds: a naked stoner high out of his mind who was arrested on burglary charges was later found to have a mouse stuffed up his backside. For the longest time, folks said rodent felching was a myth. Somehow, I would've been happier holding onto that illusion, ya know?

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2010
Anything But The Pigs!!

The Winnipeg Humane Society is calling for a protest over an item in a holiday gift guide — a piggy bank made out of a real piglet, stuffed and mounted.
I wonder if they have a cork on the belly?
Posted by Ellen at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2010
Happy Trails

Making the rounds: a mysterious contrail has been filmed off the coast of California. The armed services aren't claiming it, so officially nobody knows what it might be. Unofficially, current betting is favoring a contrail being lit in a strange way by the setting sun. I'll put a $5 chip down on that square, too.

Posted by scott at 02:15 PM eMail this entry!
Carnival Camping

A Carnival cruise ship is stuck off the west coast of Mexico with broken engines and a full load of passengers. Tow assistance is expected (if I'm reading it correctly) some time tomorrow. Meanwhile, the Coasties are there to, well, I guess make sure Somali pirates or drug lord ships don't crash the party. At least everyone knows where the toilet is, and I hope the folks with lower-level outside balconies brought umbrellas.

Posted by scott at 01:53 PM eMail this entry!
November 08, 2010
And a Good Time Was Had By All

Well, if you weren't in the mood to watch the race, maybe the armed assaults at the Brazilian Grand Prix were of interest. Well, they're on to Abu Dabi now, so it'll be much safer there. Right?

Posted by scott at 07:08 AM eMail this entry!
November 07, 2010
~ How Much is that Doggy in the KA-BOOM ~

Turns out it's a lot harder to stuff explosives in a dog than it is to stuff them in a printer cartridge. The stuff that starts leaking out of a dog is, you know, important. Oh, don't worry, I know, I blame Dick Cheney too.

Posted by scott at 03:54 PM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2010
Oh, Those Clever Chinese

And in the, "I'm actually surprised it's taken this long" file, we have the blow-up Obama sex doll for sale in China. I mean... well, hell, if we stopped featuring weird, tasteless items you wouldn't come around here so much, eh? Oh, really, tell the truth!

Posted by scott at 10:33 PM eMail this entry!
Ok, That's Not Right

Ever wonder why the engine dyno is in another room? Yeah, this is why. You'd think when it started making the really weird whining sound someone would've hit a kill switch somewhere. That's a damned expensive bomb right there, folks.

Posted by scott at 08:17 PM eMail this entry!
Heart Attack And Then Some

Ok, this is just disgusting.

*vomit*

Posted by Ellen at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 04, 2010
Wet Fud

This is why I have no plans to go camping in the bush any time soon. Wait... hang on... dammit, someone throw a bucket of water on Ron. He just passed out from giggling.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2010
Beware of The Blob

The object is about 4 feet in diameter. It has moved about 6 feet down the shoreline in the last 24 hours. It 'jiggles' when the waves in the lake hit it… when we prod it, it seems to be spongy feeling… The texture appears to be that of a rock with algae spots on it — it is brown and yellow, with a pattern of some type.

This is when you get it out of the water and get it tested.

Posted by Ellen at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
OH NOES!

That is some pot hole!

With photos!

Posted by Ellen at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
November 01, 2010
RRrmmm.. Whut?
Posted by scott at 07:13 PM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2010
Drunks Gotta Die, Bears Gotta Eat

Of all the excuses not to visit a grave site, I think roving bears eating the corpses is one of the better ones. You'd think someone with an AK-47 and a desire for a trophy would take care of this problem relatively quickly.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
October 27, 2010
That'll Buff Out.

And that, friends, is why God invented roll cages. And helmets, and Hans devices, and, well, you get the picture. He walked away, sure, but I bet he was saying, "ow ow ow ow ow" while he did it. That's one seriously rung bell right there, yup.

Posted by scott at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2010
Cell Phones? 1928?

A time traveler, an alien or just someone with hearing trouble? Watch and decide for yourself.

You have to watch the film.

Posted by Ellen at 09:50 PM eMail this entry!
It's Called A Label

Ok, I love hot sauce. I put it on nearly everything, but I'm smart enough to read the LABEL before dousing my food with it!

Soon after ingesting the chili mixed with the substance provided by defendant John Doe, Timothy Caleb Gann began to suffer a severe physical reaction, including the flaring-up of hives on his skin, difficulty breathing and severe pain and inflammation of his digestive system including his mouth and throat," the complaint states.

Some people are just stupid.

Posted by Ellen at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
Muscle Clown Car Therapy!

Perineal therapy is as ubiquitous in France as free nursery schools, generous family allowances, tax deductions for each child, discounts for large families on high-speed trains, and the expectation that after a paid, four-month maternity leave mothers are back in shape — and back at work.

Doesn't France have other issues more concerning than this to spend their ZERO budget on?

Posted by Ellen at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
This Is Where You Go Find Another Church...

One without the pastor with ED.

Ms Ashby, a single mother, said she knew when she was filming the ad that it was in poor taste

But she said she had taken the job because of the money.

"My Visa was calling out for mercy," she said.

"It was against my better judgment to it. I don't like to offend people."

Ms Ashby, who didn't say which Christian church she attended, said the Bible spoke clearly about sex.

Lady jut go take your ball and play at another playground.

Posted by Ellen at 05:45 AM eMail this entry!
October 25, 2010
What an... Interesting... Collection

If collecting more than 22 grams of belly-button lint doesn't qualify as, "too much time on your hands," I'm not sure what does. It only took him 26 years! What I think is even weirder is how it seems to have changed color over the years.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
October 23, 2010
I Don't Think Those Words Mean What You Think They Mean

Ok, tip to the wannabe journalist trying to break into the English language business: running your story through a Google translator results in sub-optimal results. Sub-optimal, but entertaining nonetheless: "A charge of abashed cartage acquired the baby aircraft to lose antithesis and tip over in mid-air during an centralized flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo. "

Posted by scott at 10:13 AM eMail this entry!
October 22, 2010
I Guess There Really Isn't Much to Do in Canada

Young men, frozen in the Great White North, on a lake, with a gun. Let's spin some bullets! No, really! Far as I can tell, it's legit. Stupid, but legit.

Posted by scott at 04:39 PM eMail this entry!
You'd Think They'd at Least Know How to Steer

A UK nuclear submarine has run aground. No injuries and no release of radiation, apparently, so that's a relief. It'll probably be a cold relief to the CO and who knows how many of the senior officers, though. Navies tend to view people who drive their expensive ships into the ground with something less than kindness.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2010
Well, Of Course! It Wouldn't be Crunchy Otherwise!

Nothing quite like finding a flash-frozen frog in your veggies to ruin the night's meal. With ribbity picture goodness! Damned critters'll get into the craziest places.

Posted by scott at 09:50 PM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2010
What is Wrong With This Picture

Oh yeah, the Mom is the fat one, not the kid!

How bout just purchasing healthy stuff to eat? Or rather how bout not eating your kid's portion of food.

Posted by Ellen at 07:16 AM eMail this entry!
When Chimps Attack

No, really, when chimps attack! Luckily nobody got hurt. You'd think that, after that whole, "chimp rips woman's face and hands off with his teeth" thing a few years ago, people would be smarter than this. Then again, when are people EVER smarter than this?

Posted by scott at 07:08 AM eMail this entry!
Dang, Man, Ouch

Remember when they tell you to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times? Yeah, looks like we should've mentioned keeping your head in, too. Can you say, "closed casket?" I knew you could...

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2010
Oh... Oh, Dear...

The guy who created Glee has been tapped as the director of a Rocky Horror remake. That sound you heard was basically, well, all of my in-laws suddenly crying out in terror. And, now that you mention it, most of my friends, too. Me? Not quite twenty-five years ago I'd never seen it, and was nearly talked into dressing up as Frankfurter. I've been ambiguous about the flick ever since. Not that, you know, there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by scott at 06:56 PM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2010
The Truth Hurts

Ok, note to rich egomaniacs: don't tick off a well-funded news organization. Nothing good comes from it. I'd like to think a story like this would put paid to the left's argument that money and Republicans have ensured rich people can do bad things with impunity around here. Yeah, don't worry, I'm not holding my breath over it.

Posted by scott at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2010
Fun with Shoes

The things people can do nowadays with leather and plastic, well, you just wouldn't believe. It's Saturday, don't worry if it's SFW. That said, I looked at that first one nearly upside down, and I'm still not completely sure what's going on there. I'm sure it's naughty, I'm just not completely sure how.

Via Violins and Starships.

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
October 13, 2010
You Ate What???

Another year, another journalist on a voyage of weird food discovery. I'm quite honest about being a recovering picky eater, and I am under no illusions as to my ability to look at, let alone eat, anything even vaguely weird looking or smelling. I'm hoping to rely on my usefulness with computers and cars to convince others with stronger constitutions to keep me fed when the zombie apocalypse arrives.

Posted by scott at 12:01 PM eMail this entry!
October 12, 2010
The Wrong Sort of Ring Toss

It's all fun and games until the boss's husband starts waving his winky about. Partying at the hotel is fun enough, I guess, but do you think the written questionnaire was really necessary? SFW.

Posted by scott at 06:26 AM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2010
Whoaah...Neigh!!..Uh...*awkward*

Everyone needs a Unicorn Fetus!

Posted by Ellen at 11:10 PM eMail this entry!
Daryl Who?

You'd think that, with all these celebrities with really bad plastic surgery, other celebrities wouldn't take the risk. And then along comes another one. It's almost as if the genes which give beauty in youth make it impossible to extend its shelf life with surgery. Either that, or it just doesn't pay to screw around with your face.

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
There Are Second Options

One of three drugs used in California’s current lethal injection procedure. The drug became a major issue last month when the scheduled execution of Albert Greenwood Brown was called off. During the legal tangle leading up to the stayed execution, it came out that the state’s supply of the drug expired on Friday, October 1–about five hours after the execution was supposed to happen.

I don't get why they just don't use Euthasol or Fatal-Plus that is used in animals, since technically they are.

Posted by Ellen at 06:46 AM eMail this entry!
October 07, 2010
Well That's Just You All Over

The line is funny when it's Dorothy and the rest of the crew picking up Scarecrow. When it's the Sheriff's office picking up some lady's husband across a few counties... yeah, not so much. Ellen has scoffed more than once at these amateurs. If you do it right, you're not supposed to find anything at all, she says.

Posted by scott at 06:38 PM eMail this entry!
Dead Green

Really, what is it with greens suddenly trying to kill kids? Just one incidence I can chalk up to one out-of-touch group. But two, so close together, and on opposite sides of the globe... well, folks, that sure seems like a trend to me. I always knew they were more interested in telling people what to do than in saving anything, but I didn't know the totalitarian streak would be so easy to bring to the surface.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
October 06, 2010
Shading the Macabre

Actually, I know quite a few friends who likely would be very interested in a nonfiction book which follows a lamp shade made of human skin from garage sale to Buchenwald, including me. If the review is any indication, it's a monument to Mark Twain's quote on the difference between fiction and nonfiction. I think, though, that I'll wait for the trade paperback to come out. That dust cover sounds just that much too creepy.

Posted by scott at 07:14 AM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2010
When Environmentalists Attack

Well, not attack so much as engage in a fantasy that the rest of us would all just, you know, explode. The original, which is way too long even with all those special effects, is here. Visions of murdering people in spectacular ways because their disagreement with you endangers everything!!!! is only fun when you keep it on the inside. Then again, it's not like the left's ever ignored an opportunity to make everyone else obey. And it always turns out so well...

Posted by scott at 07:06 AM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2010
When Hotels Attack

No, really, when hotels attack! We had a similar problem, albeit on a much much smaller scale, when Ellen left her crystal ball on a windowsill. We'd come home from work on a sunny afternoon and would constantly smell what we thought were cigarettes, even though neither of us smoke. Eventually when we got around to sorting books that were also on the sill, we found two that'd been "lasered"... one looked like it'd been hit by ye ol' deathe raye, the other had a golf-ball sized chunk charred out of it. We moved the decoration shortly afterward.

You'd think a rich, imminently sue-able, casino developer would've taken more steps to ensure this doesn't happen. Can you say "class action suit?" I knew you could...

Posted by scott at 09:28 AM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2010
Oh Yeah, Totally Inert

A box of "inert military-grade land mines" nearly managed to get itself on a passenger flight. An El Al passenger flight, no less. Thing is, if they really were inert, why did the explosives detector go off at all? Something's definitely fishy, or perhaps explode-y, about this one.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 28, 2010
Some things Band-Aids Just Won't Fix

What is it with people finding luridly colorful ways of getting killed with wood chippers? I can't walk by one of the things without shivering. And boy, that's going to be a fun thing to clean up, eh?

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 27, 2010
~ Lowered Expectations ~

Ok, dude, don't they have a mall out there somewhere? Did you have to do this at a Wal Mart? Bah. If most men had high standards street walkers would be out of business. So would most strip clubs.

Posted by scott at 08:18 PM eMail this entry!
Such a Nice Bunch of People

Remember the cartoonist who thought it would be fun to cook up, "draw Mohammed day?" Yeah, I didn't either, but anyway her little stunt has forced her into hiding. It's fashionable to point out that Christians don't do this sort of thing when insulted, but I don't quite think that's true. Christian fundamentalists are quite capable of being violent if someone insults their religion. The difference is, of course, that there are a helluva lot fewer of those sorts of people, they're usually located in well-defined regions, don't travel much, and don't have such a spectacular track record.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2010
Well, Umm... That's Nice to Know

Mike J. gets a g-d late no-prize for (eventually!) letting us know that the really attractive chick from Firefly is going to start flying around major cities for real in, like, two weeks. The 14th?!? The *14th?!?* Dude... lame.

Ooooo... Katy Perry and Elmo...

Posted by scott at 10:45 PM eMail this entry!
I Vant to Byte Yhor Neck... Blah...

Ok, so everyone remembers that the bite of a vampire bat may be painful, but is not particularly dangerous. What nobody seems to have remembered is bats often carry rabies. That's some bad ju-ju right there, yup.

Posted by scott at 06:28 PM eMail this entry!
~ I Believe in the Big Green Bug-Eyed Monster ~

And in the, "slow news day" file, we have this breathless recycled press release about a bunch of kooks citizens concerned about flying saucers monkeying with our nukes. Hopefully the catering at the NPC is good, because I'm pretty sure the show will be a disappointment.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
September 16, 2010
To Be Young, and Immortal

And now, an idiot doing a kamikaze run downhill at 80 mph on a moped. When I had my off on my bicycle last month, I was doing about 20 mph. I skidded down the asphalt for (when I went back later and measured) about thirty feet, ripped up a bunch of gear, got nasty road rash, and either tore rib cartilage or cracked one outright. It's still sore. On the bright side, falling off here, well, it wouldn't be quick, but it'd be final.

I never was this dumb.

Posted by scott at 10:25 PM eMail this entry!
Not In The City!!

"A huge tree limb, like 25 feet long, flew right up the street, up the hill and stopped in the middle of the air 50 feet up in this intersection and started spinning," said Steve Carlisle, 54. "It was like a poltergeist."

See.. Facebook is good when you have cousins that can complain about this on their afternoon commute!

Posted by Ellen at 09:40 PM eMail this entry!
September 15, 2010
Missed it by THAT Much

Sometimes, no matter how hard he tries, it seems God still misses, once in awhile. Or, if you're all about infallibility, sometimes God enjoys a near miss. Or, if you're not about either, sometimes sh-t happens, and sometimes it misses you.

Posted by scott at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
September 14, 2010
Rrrmm... What?

From the "I bet you didn't know that" file, we have the revelation that Lady Gaga's "meat dress" was meant as a protest about the way the US military treats gays. I'm sure she even explained the connection, but it's not in the article. PETA is, at least, being consistent by getting the vapors about the thing. Gaga is the real deal, I'll say that. I just wish I knew what the deal was.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 12, 2010
Sometimes, Even a Straight Guy Hasta Draw a Line

Sorry, gotta say that M-cup boobs which require two implants, each, to achieve, and then force various drains and pumps to be added to fight the infection, well, sorry, just not worth it. I'm reminded of that "film" in Johnny Dangerously about elephantitis, only with boobs. Just, you know, just don't.

Posted by scott at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
Oh, How 1985...

Yeah, they got busted because of Facebook, but this 27 year old groom and his 14 year old bride first met in person. I mean, does that even happen anymore nowadays?

Posted by scott at 06:08 PM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2010
I Just Vomited In My Mouth

Gmilf

see more Poorly Dressed
Posted by Ellen at 08:30 AM eMail this entry!
September 10, 2010
And Ellen Thinks its Bad When I Can't Find My Keys

According to a recent survey, the Japanese government has lost track of nearly a quarter million centenarians. Pension fraud, you say? Ya think?!? Still, having the trigger be officials discovering a thirty year-old mummy when they went by to congratulate the oldest recorded Japanese man on his birthday is wonderfully macabre.

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
Motion on the Ocean

The entire sequence from that ocean liner that got caught in a storm in 2008 has been released. A story, including a highlight reel of the same footage is here. I guess sometimes there's just no going around a big storm.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2010
Well, That's Just Great
Posted by scott at 12:36 PM eMail this entry!
September 05, 2010
Ok, That's Not Right

Most of the time, going through the an old storage closet is fascinating. Especially when you find two mummified infant corpses wrapped in 1930s-era newspapers. Nobody's sure what exactly happened, but they have managed to track down the family of the owner of the luggage. Just when you think the world had run out of weirdness...

Posted by scott at 09:51 AM eMail this entry!
September 04, 2010
What The Hell???

Australia strikes again, this time catching a giant spider eating a bird. Well, more like "turning it into a protein shake," but you understand the point. Every time I think it would be fun to visit down under, I read something like this. Yeah...

Posted by scott at 01:29 PM eMail this entry!
September 01, 2010
You're Doing it Wrong

Ok, sometimes the quote makes the story: "I want it just like her but with bigger boobs". Article is SFW. Imagining a 50 year-old man with yet another real doll... well, yeah, that's not so safe for brain. Here, I have some mind bleach to spare.

Posted by scott at 07:44 PM eMail this entry!
Junk Pile End

A hoarder in Las Vegas went missing recently, only to be found imitating a Wizard of Oz witch in her own home. And that, children, is why things should occasionally be thrown away.

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2010
How About, "No"

And in the, "no, actually, we're not making it up" file we have a guy who's making whiskey from diabetic's urine. Ok, see, all I've ever said was I thought Scotch tasted like postage stamp glue. This stuff...

Posted by scott at 09:07 PM eMail this entry!
Yer Makin' that Up

Proof positive rednecks don't just live in the US: man uses a whole can of bug spray trying to kill a spider, then uses a lighter to try and see if he succeeded. Looks like folks in the UK just don't see a lot of Mythbusters episodes, donchaknow?

Posted by scott at 08:43 PM eMail this entry!
August 26, 2010
Home Alone?? Too Old!

And he still looks like he is 12.

Posted by Ellen at 08:48 PM eMail this entry!
I Would Never Do That To Mine. It Would Make It Smell.

Investigators traced the pungent smell to a hearse owned by David B. Lawson Mortuary, the undertaker that picked up Walton's body Aug. 11. Walton, 37, who investigators think died about a week before she was discovered, was still in the back of the undertaker's vehicle.

Mine would not smell. That is what air fresheners are for.

Posted by Ellen at 08:31 PM eMail this entry!
Well, I Guess Laughing is Always Good

Ya know, sometimes even I'm left speechless. You know, when some Caribbean chick writes a rap song about tickling her vagina. No, really. SFW, I dunno, sorta...

Posted by scott at 08:09 PM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2010
Aww... C'mon... Just One Souvenier...

The suspects then likely had to carry the body over the cemetery fence to get away, authorities said.
Voodoo I tell ya!
Posted by Ellen at 07:30 PM eMail this entry!
Blammo!

Leave it to a dumb teenager to create yet another spectacular car crash video. That would be all I need, getting caught up in something like that in the spider. Fortunately the only person hurt this time was the idiot behind the wheel, and it sounds like he'll be paying for his stupidity for a long, long time.

Would that they could learn such lessons more easily.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2010
That's it. The Zombies Have Won

Mike J. gets a no-prize shaped like a rotting gavel for bringing us news that, in Ohio at least, your rights to your kid's remains do not trump those of the state's. I dunno, for me I think the difference would be in just why the coroner wanted to keep the kid's brain in a jar. Still, I think not notifying the family was at the very least, well, you know, tacky.

Posted by scott at 07:35 PM eMail this entry!
Hey, Man, Nice Eye

Glass eye? Glass eye? Dude, that's so 20th century. Thing is, I'd expect that, within the next five years tops, he'll be able to take high def full-motion video with the thing. Meh, his body, his cash, wtf not?

Posted by scott at 07:24 PM eMail this entry!
The Dumbest Headline So Far

Barenaked ladies: America's Next Top Model's plus-size winner displays her curves for campaign to beat eating disorders.>

Last time I checked, shoveling food into your mouth all the time is an eating disorder.

Whatever happened to healthy? Not stick figure or fat?

This is why I don't read magazines anymore.

Posted by Ellen at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 23, 2010
I Guess it Depends on What You'd Call "Snazzy"

For the power napper who has everything: the "Snazzy Napper." I agree with the article: looks suspiciously like a burkha to me, but that's likely because I've never seen an actual one up close. I'd think it would work better in Asia, where things like surgical masks seem to be considered normal.

Posted by scott at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
Better Get Comfortable

The good news: 33 miners have survived a collapse. The bad: it's going to take a few months to dig them out. I'm thinking the "few months" will turn out to be a "few weeks" as their story gets out. As long as they can get food and water down to them, I guess it'll all work out.

Update: Three bad links fixed in three weeks. Geeze.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
August 18, 2010
Melty Landscape

China's government has, according to the article at least, decided to demolish half the country's residential buildings because of shoddy workmanship. The results are definitely spectacular, but as with most progressive good intentions, there's a down side. Rural Chinese are just as bright as you and I are. They know exactly what their chances are in those buildings. They choose to live in them anyway because they're escaping what a real, actual life in a pre-industrial countryside is like.

So, are they rich enough to build proper buildings fast enough, or will the end result be legions of peasants freezing in the streets as serviceable shelters are demolished around them?

Bah. Your side doesn't even understand the question. Sometimes I don't know why I bother...

Posted by scott at 10:15 PM eMail this entry!
Kthxbai!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger went on the standard white person rant about how some folks get to say the n-word and others don't, and suffers the consequences of that rule. Race really is a fundamental contradiction in our society, and has been since basically the beginning. My rule is one I got from sportscaster James Brown back when he was still doing the Fox pregame show one Sunday while the crew were talking about some football player who'd broken this very rule. "I personally think it's an unacceptable word from anyone, anywhere. There's just too much baggage," is what I recall him saying, and that's how I feel about it.

Posted by scott at 05:44 AM eMail this entry!
August 17, 2010
Cross Culture Fail

Cindy J. gets a no-prize that can't possibly be THAT innocent for bringing us an outrageous picture, and it's suspiciously "sensitive" explanation. Yah know, it doesn't matter how much of a coincidence it is, I can't imagine a Japanese immigrant in, say, 1952 1949, putting up a sign in his shop window celebrating "The Honorable Hirohito" because some damned anniversary "just happened" to fall on December 7th.

Oh, stop it. Surely they'd gotten out of the camps before then...

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
August 16, 2010
Sticks and Stones...Oh yeah.. Stones.

The couple had their hands bound behind their backs and were forced to stand in an empty field as their sentence was carried out, he said. A local Taliban commander, who contacted media but refused to give his name, confirmed the killings. "The couple confessed they had eloped together and based on their confession they were stoned to death," he said.

Under Islamic Sharia law, sex between unmarried people is punishable by public beatings, while punishment for those caught in extra-marital affairs is death by stoning.

Really? And we keep trying to help help these people?

What they need is a few more thousand generations to get out of the stone age.

Posted by Ellen at 10:35 PM eMail this entry!
Foil Hat Foibles

It seems, according to Salon at any rate, that the whole "ground zero mosque" meme is the product of a single right-wing blogger and, natch, Rupert Murdoch. So, what he's saying is, the media, and the New York Post specifically, took a straightforward story and blew it all out of proportion, just to sell more ads? Say it ain't so!

Look, I appreciate the clarification, but trying to pretend this sort of thing is the exclusive purview of The Vast Right Wing Conspiracytm went out the door when Journolist walked in.

Posted by scott at 06:01 PM eMail this entry!
August 15, 2010
Death By Wha???

A few hookers, a tree in the woods, a rope, hey man, that's a party. On the one hand, very, very sad. On the other, well, at least he went out in style.

Posted by scott at 08:36 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2010
The Wrong Sort of Drain

Yeah, I'd think a giant hole opening up under the pool and draining it while your kids are swimming would make a person... anxious... And that, folks, is why they make you get all those annoying permits and inspections, donchaknow?

Posted by scott at 06:49 PM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2010
Wrong Kind of Farm

Making the rounds: a man went into a hospital thinking he had lung cancer, only to discover it was pea plant instead. Yep, pea plant. Apparently he inhaled one instead of eating it. You'd think cooking would've prevented that sort of thing.

Posted by scott at 10:04 AM eMail this entry!
Not My Kind of Secret Ingredient

After going missing more than two years ago, a famous French chef's body has been found in a freezer in his home. Nobody's sure if foul play was involved. The man's girlfriend has been charged with, "hiding a body." Who knew that was illegal? Anyone? Anyone? Beuhler?

Posted by scott at 06:24 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2010
Yeah, I'll call that, "Ouch"

Sometimes The Sun is full of crap. Except when they come up with a headline like, "Man Died in Sex Stunt with Tree." Ya know, splinters in my hand were bad enough. I always knew they'd kill, if they got stuck in other places. I woulda thought all guys'd know that. Obviously I was wrong.

Posted by scott at 10:14 PM eMail this entry!
August 10, 2010
Zombie Mint

Stephen Gould used to talk about how evolution wasn't disproved by the elegance of a bird's wing, but proved by the clunkiness of a panda's thumb. I say government incompetence isn't disproved by Apollo, but is proved by warehouses full of coins nobody wants, that cost more to house than they're worth, which will be produced for the foreseeable future. Yes, yes, "it's Bush's fault! It's Bush's fault!" I know I keep forgetting the chant. Did you really have to bring the stick around this time?

Posted by scott at 08:07 PM eMail this entry!
August 09, 2010
I Like Fake Lashes But...

This is just nasty.

Posted by Ellen at 08:53 PM eMail this entry!
Ok, What the Hell?

A market data firm, trying to figure out just what exactly it was that made the market flop around like the fish in the bottom of a boat earlier this year, have instead discovered distinct, and extremely weird, patterns in the stock market data. We're talking patterns it takes slicing the data into seconds to see, which describe trades which have no hope of succeeding. The modern equivalent of a numbers station? Skynet, signaling its minions? Two computers, farting away in the night? Who knows?

Well, I'll tell you, someone does. And they're not talking...

Posted by scott at 07:55 PM eMail this entry!
August 08, 2010
The Shit Bodies Can Do
Posted by Ellen at 09:45 PM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2010
I Bet That Qualifies for an Unscheduled Hold, Eh?

Ok, NASA, no need to worry about how many Space Shuttle missions might actually be in the pipe. God is on the job. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole rig was engineered to survive that sort of thing. Cost enough, it better.

Posted by scott at 10:57 AM eMail this entry!
August 06, 2010
Well, Radio Gaga was Pretty Bad, After All

Making the rounds: yet another example of someone wobbling off their meds in front of a computer screen. It's just possible the author is perpetrating one enormously entertaining hoax. However, in my experience it takes a genuine loon to have that kind of energy over that amount of time.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2010
Ok That's Not Good

Ok, "Man nearly killed when eel swims in bottom" reads like an editor being clever. You know, like the bottom of a lake or something. But no, it really did swim up his backside. I guess when there's more than a billion Chinese, weird stuff is going to happen more often to them just due to raw numbers.

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2010
Well, Rrrm... Ok... Then...

Sometimes there's just no improving the Fark headline: Meet the Bodybuilding Neo-Nazi Porn Star Who Embalms Dead People for a Living. Ellen's two of those four. She's married, so that knocks out the third one, and she hates everyone, but as long as they stay off our lawn she couldn't give a sh-t, so that knocks out the second one. My colorful life. Let me show you it...

Posted by scott at 10:38 PM eMail this entry!
August 02, 2010
The Dead Zone

The first systematic survey of the Chernobyl exclusion zone has found marked, and negative, effects on wildlife. While this would at first seem to be one of those "dur" conclusions, there was (and is) plenty of anecdotal evidence that the removal of humans was increasing wildlife diversity.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
August 01, 2010
Why Ellen and I Think Roughing means, "No Tivo"

Campers make sure all food is secure, campsite is properly situated, everything is arranged correctly, get eaten anyway. Inveterate camper/hikers Ron & Amber will have their, "yeah, but"'s ready, but, far as I'm concerned, that's all the proof I need to watch campers on TV, instead of being one.

Posted by scott at 07:30 PM eMail this entry!
July 31, 2010
Bah. That'll Buff Out.

Looks like something went "boom" next to a tanker, and now the captain's going to have to call Geico. I'd like to think this was hajji using a small bomb to take out a big boat, but I tend to agree the most likely cause is a nearly-dead mine from the old Iran-Iraq war. Still, that's going to take a whole lotta bondo to fix.

Posted by scott at 09:22 AM eMail this entry!
July 30, 2010
Splish-Splash

Put it this way... you probably don't want to go swimming in a swamp, anyway. And dude, you definitely need a bigger boat.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
July 29, 2010
From The Side of The Road

Don't you normally find these portraits at flea markets with tacky gold frames along with tiger blankets?

Posted by Ellen at 08:51 PM eMail this entry!
July 28, 2010
Chicken Little's Government

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll need four department stamps and six forms filled out in triplicate to receive for bringing us a brilliant example of what a progressive looks like dining on ashes. "Peak state," like its cousin peak oil, is a chimera built on the assumption that everyone else is stupid and will remain so until and unless they wake up and recognize that the elite really do know what's good for them.

That everyone else is just as damned smart as they are, and that, with the proper incentives, everyone else can come up with some damned clever ideas indeed, never once occurs to the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery. Quite the opposite, they're already sneering at this, thinking how I court destruction and chaos for even mentioning the possibility.

You know, that every one of us has the potential to succeed, and that together we can do amazing things. Yeah, that's definitely a terrible thing to talk about.

Posted by scott at 05:56 PM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2010
Well... That's Helpful...

Jesus is coming! Quick! Look busy!

I always liked, "Jesus Saves Sinners, and Redeems Them Later for Valuable Prizes" better.

Posted by scott at 06:46 PM eMail this entry!
July 23, 2010
An Unconventional Cozy

And now, the world's strongest beer. Inside of a squirrel. Yeah, you heard me, squirrel. That would make for an interesting companion to Ellen's "vomiting frog," donchathink?

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2010
DAM...IT!

Uh...wow...

Either he fell off, or he really did end it there. Not gory, but NSFW due to the ads.

Posted by Ellen at 06:27 PM eMail this entry!
Jelly Not On My List

The children were enjoying Popsicles and were being bathed in vinegar, which is a common treatment for jellyfish stings. They also were given antihistamines and anti-inflammatory medications.

Really, what is this world coming too. Too many odd things going on.

2012 is only a year and a half away.

Posted by Ellen at 07:13 AM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2010
Cargo Hold Vomits Spiders

He added that the agency doesn't know whether the spiders are venomous, but that the critters are in various sizes. Agriculture officials also don't know if Guam's tropical climate can allow these spiders to thrive.

Umm...where is my shoe?

Posted by Ellen at 08:43 PM eMail this entry!
July 20, 2010
When Vultures Attack

No, really, when vultures attack! As a cyclist who drives a bike that's mostly plastic, my greatest fear is Buffy the Cellphone Slayer talking to her friend and brushing on nail polish, wondering what that weird *thump* was when she accidentally drifted right across the shoulder of the road. I simply don't go fast enough to worry about BIRDS.

Posted by scott at 08:22 PM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2010
Just When You Thought They'd Done it All

You remember that corvette the North Koreans didn't sink? That they definitely, quite positively didn't sink? That they would bump you on the chest in the playground and thump you over on your butt for implying that they may have sunk something which they didn't sink? Yeah, about that...

I would like to go on record to state there's a left-wing crazy that is so crazy even I, a card carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, can't tie into something Obama is doing. And this bunch has nukes. Fizzly nukes, yes, but they also have eight-and-a-half bajillion artillery pieces within range of the car companies who make most of everyone else's wheels. I mean, dude...

Posted by scott at 09:45 PM eMail this entry!
Wrong Kind of Hot

No matter how you translate it, a Ferrari on fire is never a good thing. It appears nobody was hurt, so there is that. And yes, very lucky indeed that one of the passers-by was a big fire extinguisher!

Posted by scott at 05:30 PM eMail this entry!
Depends on What You Call Beauty

Personally, I don't really think these things are all that beautiful. The first set of speakers looks like something Dr. Who would face off against, the last one looks like what Pixar's light would grow up into. And yes, folks, that's about how high the real high-end can get, price-wise.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
July 17, 2010
Rent This Billboard

The 15-by-49-foot billboard stands on the westbound side of the highway, facing eastbound traffic. The message went up June 28, paid for by Final Exit Network, a nationwide group that provides guidance to adults seeking to end a life of constant pain from incurable illness.

That is a billboard that you won't see every day.

Posted by Ellen at 09:05 AM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2010
Darwin Killed My Baby's Daddy!

And in the, "I see a flaw in your cunning plan" file, we have a dude who ended up dead when his plot to gain custody of his kid on a "I got shot!" plea went all pear-shaped. Or, you know, bullet-shaped, as the case may be. No, it doesn't make any damned sense to me either, but people of high intelligence typically do not turn to a life of crime, donchaknow?

Posted by scott at 06:58 PM eMail this entry!
July 14, 2010
I'm Surprised It's Taken this Long

And in the, "when we do it it's simple protesting but when you do it it's dangerous racism" category, we have righteous indignation that the right has stolen one of the left's most favorite memes. I thought the Bushitler stuff was ridiculous counterproductive crap, and I think this is ridiculous counterproductive crap. All three of the guys on the billboard were much more effective at being horrific bastards than any president can be. That anyone can even vaguely entertain a notion otherwise shows just how far political passion can override historical knowledge. Or, you know, common sense.

Posted by scott at 06:57 PM eMail this entry!
I'm So Glad They're Here to Tell Us These Things

The Obama administration in general and the president in particular have come to the startling conclusion that Al Qaeda hates black people. No, really! This is important! Stop laughing! Don't you realize they lack cultural sensitivity? That they engage in hate speech against poor minorities? Ok, the laughing was bad enough. I will not abide you rolling on the ground and gasping for air.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2010
But It's the Tea Party that's Dangerous

An oil executive appears to have been targeted by a bomber. Everyone is constantly reminded by the MSM how dangerous potential right-wing violence is. The actuality, the real and constant actuality, of left-wing violence is, and sadly forever will be, given a gloss by progressives of most stripes.

Posted by scott at 08:00 PM eMail this entry!
Rrrmm... What?

And in the, "f-ing Californians need to get better hobbies" category we have the BBC reporting on the 30 year-old tradition of Cali's finest mooning Amtrak trains. The article includes a fine example of, "people who want to be seen naked generally shouldn't be seen naked," but otherwise SFW pictures.

Posted by scott at 07:11 PM eMail this entry!
July 09, 2010
Standing Start Fail

Sometimes there's just no avoiding a crash. This stuff happens in all forms of racing. It just tends to be a lot nastier with the 2-wheeled variety.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
July 07, 2010
Damned Kids

Today's media-sensationalized warning of DOOM!!! is brought to you by CNN, and the "alarming" trend of kids using decorative contact lenses. Since you all may not be paying attention, they've decided to throw in a gratuitous Lady Gaga reference, since a video she made, what, two years ago, had a scene that used CGI to make her eyes look bigger. Yeah, totally related.

Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
~ 'Cause Ya Gotta Have Friends ~

A 91 year-old widow has gotten in trouble for keeping the corpses of her husband and twin sister around. As in, "around the house." One embalmed corpse was found on a couch in the garage, the other on a couch in a spare bedroom. Now that's an excuse for not sleeping over at grammas I'd accept.

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2010
Costume Fail

When I learned Wonder Woman was, after nearly seventy years, getting a costume makeover, I called for an expert opinion. When provided with an example of the previous version of her costume, Olivia's reaction was immediate and conclusive, which I quote here in its entirety, to wit: "Bllleeaaaaarrrrgggggchk!" When pressed for details, she explained the new version was, "too gothic."

I'm actually fine with either version, albeit for different reasons.

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2010
Practicality Is

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll be sure to offer last rites for bringing us this rather macabre, but still helpful, sign. The best I ever got was a faded radiation symbol on the side of a public building when I was a kid. I wonder if it's still there?

Posted by scott at 06:17 AM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2010
BBBzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzz!!!!


see more
Posted by Ellen at 09:29 PM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2010
Uh...Yeah...

Last time I checked, these were called thermoses. Thermosi? Thermosay?? Liquid holder?

No wait, the would be tampon! CLEVER!

Posted by Ellen at 08:15 PM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2010
Just Chuck It The Pile With The Rest Of Them

Archaeologists suspect local inhabitants may have been systematically killing unwanted babies.

Archaeologist Dr Jill Eyers said: "The only explanation you keep coming back to is that it's got to be a brothel."

That will teach those ladies of the night to forgo a night of work.

Posted by Ellen at 10:35 PM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2010
Only in Asia

Hey, men like panties and bras too!

Posted by Ellen at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
June 21, 2010
Adventures on The Orange Line!

Yes I took a video of this. Yes I am disappointed that I did not catch "WEST FALLS CHURCH METRO NEXT STOP!" on video.

So I'm going to hell.

Posted by Ellen at 10:07 PM eMail this entry!
June 20, 2010
Rrrmm... Thanks?

I get the intent, I really do. As a dad, though, I must admit a free prostate cancer screening is kinda far down on my list of fathers day presents. That sound you're hearing is Ellen doing a face-palm, because she didn't think of it before the day was over.

Posted by scott at 07:37 PM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2010
Err...BzzT!...BzzzT!

This is a new concept? Do you know how many people out in radiology who have DONE this? Heels included and so much more...

Oh wait wait wait! You don't get ear density on xrays, nor boob detail (sorry)..dude! where is her heart!!! Oh wait wait.. this is CGI...yeah..CGI.

Posted by Ellen at 08:36 PM eMail this entry!
Mah House, Let Me Show You It

What these people lack in means they more than make up for in sheer chutzpah. There are more than a few big, abandoned properties in this area, so it wouldn't surprise me if ballsy squatters were a feature of our landscape as well. I'm sure there are some on the left side of the aisle who think there's a certain bit of justice going on here. Of course, it's not their house either.

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2010
Aliens I Tell You!

The way Sitchin sees it, the long-dead woman's genome could contain the signature of the gods and demigods he's been talking about since 1976.

Hmmm...

Posted by Ellen at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2010
JESUS ON FIRE!! JESUS ON FIRE!!

The sculpture, about 62 feet tall and 40 feet wide at the base, showed Jesus from the torso up and was nicknamed Touchdown Jesus because of the way the arms were raised, similar to a referee signaling a touchdown. It was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, which is all that remained Tuesday.

It's a sign! The end is coming! Ohio just became more of a shit hole than it already is! Who will save you if "Touch Down Jesus" can't?

An Extra Crispy Jesus No-Prize to Annie for bringing us this sad news.

Posted by Ellen at 09:03 PM eMail this entry!
I'm Honestly Surprised It's Taken This Long

Looks like, for the second time this year, DNA evidence has cleared a man Texas has already executed. Being a good Buddhist, I'm quite firmly against the death penalty. Being firmly in the camp of the constrained vision, I also have no problem with someone being given the opportunity to achieve enlightenment from the bottom of a miserable, deep, dark hole.

You think I'm kidding. I'm not.

Posted by scott at 08:06 PM eMail this entry!
June 14, 2010
Don't Spanx Me, Bro

And, for the newest entry in the, "dude. Wait, what?" category, we have news that men's girdle sales are off the chart. Corset sales for dudes would seem not to be far behind. Or, you know, middle, as the case may be.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
June 12, 2010
Construction Oops

And in the, "gosh I'm glad I didn't drive the spider that day" file, we find what can and sometimes does happen when buildings get taken apart by heavy machinery. Fortunately, it appears nobody got hurt.

Posted by scott at 07:49 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2010
A Common Reaction to Finding One's Self in Philly

Remember, folks, HD cameras can see more than you think. A new version of couples getting it on in a far, dark corner of a stadium can't be far behind.

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
There is No Substitute... for Ugliness

I gotta tell you, they sure did spend a lot of money to make something that ugly. We'll call it proof positive that Germany has more than their fare share of guys willing to do silly things to cars. Only, you know, with more expensive cars.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2010
Nuh-uh! NUH-UH!

... and the saga of the "convoy of peace" continues. Now the newsies who brought the cameras are getting all huffy because the Israelis released their footage. Because we all know they wouldn't selectively edit their stuff to make sure the film matched the story that they were saying. Nope, they'd be completely honest, since all they were really there to do was document a humanitarian mission.

In a pig's eye...

Posted by scott at 06:19 PM eMail this entry!
The Dead Aren't Going To Eat

The "grim eater" attended up to four funerals a week during March and April before the Harbour City Funeral Home decided he had gone too far, and stopped him, the Dominion Post reported.

"We saw him three or four times in a week. And certainly he had a backpack with some Tupperware containers so when people weren't looking, he was stocking up."

Talk about a weird situation!

Posted by Ellen at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
June 02, 2010
Kthxbai!

You know all those times they said even experienced climbers can be killed by Everest? Yeah, they weren't f-ing around about that. Everest: Beyond the Limit has been on a Tivo Season Pass for us for years, and, as I recall at any rate, they actually had to walk past someone who'd done the climber version of throwing a rod but who had not actually gotten around to dying just yet.

Me? I'm not particularly fond of climbing the stairs. I'm more than content watching others try to climb up and try to climb down that thing.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
June 01, 2010
Staring Art

So it seems that, for the past month or so, one of the things your $20 admission got you at MoMa was the opportunity for a weird Yugoslavian chick to stare at you for as long as you liked. Lots of actors paid for the opportunity, of course. And don't forget the write-up in the Times. But it's commercial painting that's not "real" art, donchaknow?

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
Bah. A Few Bandaids, He'll Be Fine

There's pissed-off crazy, then there's so-pissed-off-he-rips-your-heart-out crazy. Note to self: do not do 'shrooms with guys who enjoy beating the crap out of each other for money.

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
No Parking

Nothing like a sinkhole in the middle of a city to put some perspective on a tropical storm. My luck would be that'd be the parking meter I used on the one trip downtown I used the spider for.

Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
May 29, 2010
Bull 1. Matador 0.

Couldn't happen to nicer people!

REVENGE!

Graphic photos and video!

Posted by Ellen at 08:56 AM eMail this entry!
When Stupidity Attacks

Nothing quite like a compilation of red-light runners to graphically demonstrate the consequences of not paying the f- attention to what you're doing.

Posted by scott at 07:55 AM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2010
Spinning Colors

Observation: interracial marriages are on the rise in America. Media conclusion: an obvious sign of increased discrimination and racial tension. Remember, folks, these are the people who've made it their business to keep us informed.

Posted by scott at 06:58 AM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2010
Mobile Number of DOOOOMMM!!!

Sometimes random chance just makes you go, "hmmmm..." Like when every person assigned a specific mobile phone number in the UK has died. In the past ten years. Ya know, I'm just fine with them suspending that number.

Posted by scott at 08:01 PM eMail this entry!
May 24, 2010
Comic Bits

A writer of several popular comic book titles has disappeared, leaving only his van behind. A van with a very gruesome bonus on board, no less.

Posted by scott at 07:12 AM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2010
Tasty!

It seems that dogs in space are making the headlines once more, only this time it's because they're on the menu. If it's raised as food it should be consumed as such. That said, I think I now have a little more ammunition when I politely decline to visit a Chinese buffet.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
Ah The Memories!

Nick on the other side of the world brings us this on the quirky ways Asia's way of remembering the dead

"The Asia Funeral Expo is giving new meaning to the "be prepared" maxim by offering free coffin portraits to expo visitors. Other morbid attractions include a free Alzheimer's tests -- just the thing to compliment the coffins lining up in the exhibition hall. "We're seeing half-hour queues for the coffin portrait booth," Lo told CNNGo."

In case you forget, here is the link to the expo.

Ticket Please!

Posted by Ellen at 05:07 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2010
Top Ten Stolen Body Parts!

Hrrmm.... an interesting history lesson!

Posted by Ellen at 08:41 PM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2010
Hot For Teacher

Yep, they are out there.

They all have a similar look too...hmmm....

Posted by Ellen at 09:05 PM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2010
WTF!? For Real?

When it comes to scientific experiments, often the Cynomolgus Macaque monkey is the primate of choice. They weigh anywhere from about 3 to 25 pounds and make lots of barking noises. It's hard to image how anyone could miss one sitting inside a small cage.

I worked in research...you cannot make a "boo-boo" like this unless you mean it.

Posted by Ellen at 10:05 PM eMail this entry!
Speaking of Justice...

How dare you try to limit welfare payments to Islamic wackamoles! Stop that right this instant! An increase in fairness always outweighs a risk to security, especially if it results in new opportunities for income redistribution to brown people who of course hate us only because of the injustices we inflict on them. Giving them more cash cannot result in them buying guns instead of butter. That's not what's intended, so that's obviously not what will happen.

Posted by scott at 07:17 AM eMail this entry!
May 07, 2010
You Gotta be Kidding Me

Ok, entire hillsides are NOT supposed to convincingly impersonate, well, pudding. Especially when someone's house is underneath God's own landscape fail.

Meh. We've been parking our butts on floodplains long before we were even human. Why should we stop now?

Posted by scott at 11:04 PM eMail this entry!
~ There's a Head in Yer Bucket, Dear Liza Dear Liza / There's a Head in Yer Bucket, Dear Liza a Head ~

Ok, so, stop me if you've heard this one: a guy walks into a precinct with two buckets. One of the unexpected advantages of a Caribbean island seems to be easy access to machetes.

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2010
Enema Please!

"We didn't realize until the autopsy that his constipation was as bad," he said, noting that when he died there was waste in his colon that was several months old.

"We found stool in his colon which had been there for four or five months because of the poor motility of the bowel," Nichopoulos said.

Find more interesting findings to this story here!

Posted by Ellen at 10:13 PM eMail this entry!
When Testosterone Attacks

Peer pressure causes teenage girls to believe stupid things. Peer pressure causes teenage boys to do stupid things. One of the unexpected benefits of being a social misfit is I never felt like getting hurt to impress other guys. Impressing girls... well...

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
How the Heck do You See Out?

It looks like the latest import from Japan is called "zentai." Yeah, I wear lycra bike shorts, but that has more to do with what happens to cotton, and my rear sitting on it, after four hours on a bike than it does with the way the stuff feels. Meh, stay out of trouble, pay your taxes, keep off my lawn, etc.

Although I do think the guys goofing on the hockey player are amusing.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2010
Well Shit...

CONCORD, N.H. (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Police are investigating at the Blossom Hill Cemetery in Concord, N.H. where a grave belonging to a mummified baby has been disrupted.

Police were notified yesterday morning by cemetery personnel that a gravesite had been disturbed and dirt was turned.

Aren't you supposed to bury them at least two feet under?

Posted by Ellen at 09:13 PM eMail this entry!
Underwater Country

I knew Nashville had it bad with the recent floods. I just didn't realize it was this bad. The first NAMI convention I ever worked was in the Opryland hotel in 1996. I still remember the place, and seeing the same hotel with what looks like three feet of water on an upper level is just beyond amazing. It's going to take a long time to recover from all of that.

Posted by scott at 07:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 04, 2010
~ And You Can do the Same Thing / If You Please ~

Alternative: what happens when Rube Goldberg gets really depressed. Fortunately it seem more artistic expression than any real plea from the photographer. I hope.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
May 01, 2010
I Found it On the Internet... it Has to be True!

They may not be able to legislate their way out of a paper sack, but when it comes to finding ET's among us, the government is on the case. It's so entertaining when consumers wobble off their meds!

Posted by scott at 09:41 AM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2010
Ridin' Out In Style!

How awesome!

Rather than display a Puerto Rican shooting victim's body in a boring casket for the wake, morticians at one San Juan funeral home presented the corpse on the man's Honda motorcycle.

Of course there are photos!

Posted by Ellen at 09:57 PM eMail this entry!
Remind Me...

why we feel we need to make these animals do circus tricks?

Click the link. End.

Posted by Ellen at 08:59 PM eMail this entry!
April 28, 2010
We're From the Government, and We're Here to Help

Having presumably solved all other problems (because we all know how well California is doing), a county board in northern CA has voted to ban toy offers from restaurants selling "high calorie" meals. This presumes, as almost all progressive legislation does, that people will voluntarily abide by the spirit of the law, instead of figuring a way around it to get what they want anyway.

In other words, yo, sparky, you're administering a county here. All you've really done is take sales away from your local businesses (you know, the ones who provide jobs and pay taxes), and given them to ones nearby. The only people who'll be affected are those too poor to actually travel, so good on ya for restricting their choices and increasing their expenses. It's for their own good, after all.

Posted by scott at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2010
The House at Hell's End

Life has made the classic photo essay, "Inside a Serial Killer's House" available on-line. Per usual, people who wreck other's lives have a tendency to wreck their own.

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
April 21, 2010
It'll Buff Out

The lady who made "the worst parking job. EVAR" famous was finally sentenced on Tuesday. At least, with the video, the victims don't have to explain the bizarre hood dents to their adjusters.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
April 19, 2010
Dude. Wait, What?

And now, a drinks bar shaped like a... a... oh go see it yourself. It quenches thirst, and teaches anatomy!

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
Ellen's Next Exotic Dish?

It seems when life throws locusts at Australians, Australians put them on a pizza. Don't worry, Ellen, think of it like a bigger version of a grasshopper taco. I'll be with Olivia, on the other side of the world, when you try it. :)

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 17, 2010
I'm Surprised it Took Them This Long

The most recent episode of South Park aired, what, Wednesday? Let the death threats, BEGIN! I was very surprised Comedy Central allowed the show to air at all, considering the last time Parker and Stone decided to make fun of Mohamed they at first refused to air the episode at all.

Posted by scott at 07:53 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2010
F-1 Fail

People often talk about "the wheels coming off" of a project. They don't usually mean it this literally. Fortunately Buemi's fine. The guy who designed the parts implicated in the crash, maybe not so much.

Posted by scott at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2010
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

Ok, four words: Leech with enormous teeth. See, Ellen? I told you I had "the link for all links" tonight!

Posted by scott at 09:57 PM eMail this entry!
It's Called A Strike People!

In an especially vindictive move, workers said that Massey has refused to allow miners time off so that they can attend the funerals of their coworkers.

Only seven bodies have so far been recovered, and rescue crews said on Sunday afternoon that the mine would have to be ventilated for 12 to 15 hours before they could go in and recover the remaining 22. Some funerals have already been held.

You would think by now the owner of the mine would be hiding for his life.

While I understand that you all need jobs etc... but if you are all passionate about this, you should just strike and leave the mine.

West VA, you are your own thing.

Posted by Ellen at 08:57 PM eMail this entry!
April 12, 2010
Real Men Get Nostrils Waxed

"I can breathe better," said Paul Garfield, 18, after taking his turn on the waxing table. "I won't have to deal with the pesky nose hair. It didn't hurt as bad."

OUCH!!!!

I have officially seen it all.

Posted by Ellen at 06:01 AM eMail this entry!
April 10, 2010
Holy Smokes!

You know when they say a tornado can blow cars around like toys? Ever wonder what that looks like? Wonder no more. My already healthy respect for these storms just took another bound upward.

Posted by scott at 04:17 PM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2010
~ Keep Spendin' Most Our Lives / Livin' in the Worker's Paradise ~

No matter how hard the hermits try, sometimes people still manage to take pictures of them. Sadly we must rely on satellite imagery to see the camps which constitute the inevitable result of the perfectly progressive state.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2010
Sometimes They Mess Up

Making the rounds: Wikileaks has dug out a combat film from an Apache attack which they term, "collateral murder." Time posted this analysis which, eventually, makes a few good points about just how tough it is to get this sort of thing right. Looks to me like they messed up, and a whole bunch of people died because of the mistake. Still, the video is three years old, and it would seem this sort of thing stopped happening a short time later.

Apaches were never meant to be sniper weapons, and using them as such will always risk a tragedy of this sort.

Posted by scott at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
April 05, 2010
Egg Hunt Fail

What I want to know is, what are teenagers doing going on an Easter egg hunt? And then going way off the path into the woods. By themselves. Oh, wait...

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2010
Sounds Like a Cereal to Me

It must also be a slow entertainment news day: the latest pop-culture "let's give it a word for the f- of it" trend would appear to be "chexsting". We've definitely come a long way from the time when telephones were just used for, you know, calling people.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2010
No, not Queens, NY

It's nice to know that, even if it seems to be slowly fading away here, political correctness is being kept alive and well on Canadian college campuses. I guess you'd call it the dark side of being nice and orderly, eh?

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
April 01, 2010
Like the Feds Really Need an Excuse

It would seem the reason BATF decided to take down the Hutaree involved someone forgetting to check Snopes before they freaked their sh*t out. I will give the left this much... their wackos are nowhere near as well armed as mine are. Then again, the vast majority of the time my side's wackos will build themselves a compound out in the woods somewhere and be hardly heard from again. The wackos on the left are the ones which seem more likely to act on their lunacy.

Oh, and my side's wackos take baths. Bathing is always a plus.

Posted by scott at 08:37 AM eMail this entry!
No, No... You're Supposed to Burn Them

A Lebanese TV personality is scheduled to be beheaded in Saudi Arabia. The guy's not even a Saudi national, the religious police ganked him on his Umra. It's my understanding anyone visiting SA is required to have a sponsor, so this reeks of a setup. F'ing religious police.

Posted by scott at 06:49 AM eMail this entry!
March 31, 2010
I Have No Idea What to Make of This

Making the rounds: someone apparently adapted the film Scarface into a play for young children. The thing is so ludicrously over the top I'm very suspicious of it. But it definitely seems as if a group of parents has become completely unmoored from good taste, if not reality.

Posted by scott at 04:23 PM eMail this entry!
When Crotchety Old Men Attack

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll throw rocks at the kids on his lawn for bringing us at least one watermelon willing to take the gloves off. It's quite nice to see the true core of progressive environmentalism laid out so plainly. These are the policies most seem to really want. They are why I have never believed a darned thing the environmentalist movement says.

Posted by scott at 11:03 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2010
Activistsicle.

Making the rounds: it would seem that no amount of self-righteous watermelon belief will warm the southern hemisphere to the point it's actually summer, in Antarctica, in July. I know, I get it, "My faith. My facts. My movement. NOW KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!" is the attitude we normally get from these folks. I've just never before seen quite such a karmically-appropriate riposte before. Self-inflicted, even.

Update: Looks like we've been snookered. Meh. Not the first time, not the last.

Posted by scott at 09:43 AM eMail this entry!
The Dude Has... Issues

Another day, another third-worlder whacking off his willie because of girl trouble. Ya know, I've been driven more than a little crazy by the women in my life. But in all that time, I never even once considered taking a cleaver to any part of my anatomy, let alone a part that, being a guy, I consider really quite important. Different... rrmm... strokes?

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2010
I Dare You

Three words: Giant. Poop. Bubbles.

Oh go on then. It's a web site. Nobody'll ever know you clicked the link.

I promise.

Posted by scott at 09:54 PM eMail this entry!
See? Problem Solved.

An island nobody lived on, only inches above sea level, in the middle of a bay frequently swept with cyclones, with no resources, which of course was being fought over by two different countries, would seem to have disappeared into the sea. Hey, if global warming can resolve international disputes, it can't be all bad, eh?

Posted by scott at 03:23 PM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2010
Yeah, Ok, That's... Bad...

Remember that old joke about the tractor-trailer driver who woke up on the road because of a mysterious beeping? You know, the one where he slows down just to figure out where the sound is, only to see a VW bug swerving away out away from his grill? Yeah, that only works if your car isn't stuck against the grill sideways. Thankfully, nobody got hurt.

Posted by scott at 07:51 PM eMail this entry!
Well That's Just a Sweet Sentiment

A civil judge in Belgium has officially gone on record as saying a crime victim invited an attack, and fined the victim because of it. Just when you thought Europe couldn't be any more "progressive", they go and prove you wrong.

Posted by scott at 10:23 AM eMail this entry!
March 23, 2010
They Never Learn

Another day, another bunch of idiots learning the feds do not know or care that you're kidding. Ok, so we'll go over this one more time: the Secret Service takes its job very, very seriously, and has the money, resources, and time to find and throw your butt in the pokey if you tweet threats about one of their charges. So let's just keep those thoughts to ourselves, mmkay?

Posted by scott at 11:06 AM eMail this entry!
Unsolved Mysteries

Sometimes Cracked's "Top 5" lists don't do much for me. This is not one of those times. All you true crime fans should have a field day with it. I've actually seen a few of the Toynbee Tiles, although I can't quite remember where.

Posted by scott at 08:41 AM eMail this entry!
March 22, 2010
That's About as Sick as it Gets

Authorities have arrested a man who is accused of spending his free time talking people into suicide so he could watch. Just when you thought the depths of man's evil to man had been well and truly plumbed...

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
Yes! We're All Individuals!

And now, a radical lefty who has been declared the messiah. One of the things which defines Britain is the country's famous encouragement of eccentricity, if not outright lunacy. If this doesn't prove the case, I'm not sure what will.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
March 21, 2010
Crazy Bread

The latest "holy crap the CIA pulled some scary stunts in the 50s" story is an alleged mind control experiment which involved poisoning an entire French town in 1951. An allegation this explosive requires the evidence bar be set very high. From what's presented in the article, I don't think the author has cleared it. A bunch of unnamed sources and a single document which does not explicitly connect the dots does not a true conspiracy make.

Posted by scott at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
March 20, 2010
Speaking of Zombies...

The now she has it, now she don't saga of Anna Nicole Smith's battle to get a piece of her sugar daddy husband's fortune has now moved solidly into the "now she don't." This in spite of the fact that the two primaries involved are both, well, dead. A more clear case of, "only the lawyers ever make money" I never have seen.

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
March 19, 2010
Paging the Red Queen, White Courtesy Phone Please

Finally Ellen has a reason to visit Paris. Well, except for hunting down the tombs of various incorruptible saints, that is. Macabre? Ellen? You don't say...

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
March 18, 2010
When Anarchists Attack

No, really, when anarchists attack. As mentioned before, political belief is not a line, it's a circle. If you push far enough to become a loony in one direction, you'll quickly be indistinguishable from the loons on the other side. Deny it at your peril.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2010
Put That Thing Away

For those who've always wondered: taking a whack at a cop with your winkie will cost you about $1000. I think. Haven't gotten around to checking the exchange rate lately, but I bet I'm close. Have at you!

Posted by scott at 06:29 AM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2010
Red in Tooth and Claw

While hardly a true secret, it's always important to remember the "other" genocidal unit, 731. The Germans at least have done everything anyone could think of to gain redemption for their crimes. Only the current generation of adults, the first to be able to legitimately claim they had absolutely no part in any of it, are attempting to point out that Germans suffered too. The Japanese, well, one of the best ways to shock a Japanese person is to have them look up Unit 731 on the English Wikipedia. The smart Westerner, the one who doesn't want his Tokyo apartment firebombed, will do nothing more than that.

There's a reason the rest of Asia hates Japan, and it has nothing to do with their current success.

Posted by scott at 08:54 PM eMail this entry!
March 15, 2010
I Feel Dead!

The "buried, not buried, buried, not buried" saga of James Brown seems to have been switched to "not buried." Again. I always thought his "get dragged off the stage only to come right back" schtick was annoying. Now that he's dead, well, not so much. With bonus picture of what the ex-Godfather of Soul looked like, and probably still does.

Posted by scott at 09:39 AM eMail this entry!
March 14, 2010
I Bet They're Glad THAT One Got Away

I think we'll call that fisherman: 0, enormous scary crocodile: 1. At ~ 4 meters, this one's on the small end of adult males. Sheesh!

Posted by scott at 07:48 AM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2010
Japan, Natch

And now, a Japanese shut-in who decided to marry his pillow. I guess "pillow" and "beer" must look the same in those "is better than a wife" posters.

Posted by scott at 12:29 PM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2010
Well That's Just Great

Iran is openly expanding its missile launch complex to accommodate larger launch vehicles. Just when you think the mullahs couldn't get any madder, they go and prove you wrong again. Help us, Bibi, you're our only hope...

Posted by scott at 02:39 PM eMail this entry!
March 07, 2010
Welcome to the Top Floor of the High End

Sit back, strap in, and enjoy just how loopy the very top of the high end of the hi-fi hobby can be. And less ye think the economy has sunk all these companies we have an updated version. The super-high end speakers I think are nifty are an absolute bargain by comparison.

Posted by scott at 04:14 PM eMail this entry!
That's One Way to Do It

Who needs a forklift or a big truck when a Sumo wrestler will do the job just as well. Seems like a lot of work for an $850 payout split (presumably) two ways.

Posted by scott at 08:52 AM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2010
That's Gonna Leave a Mark

Remember, folks, guns don't kill people, giant lawnmowers kill people. Let's just say she got a real close shave...

Posted by scott at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
March 05, 2010
When Representatives "Derp Derp Derp"

Headline sorta says it all: Anti-gay state senator arrested for DUI leaving a gay bar. Research, he was doing res-- Oh, wait, nevermind.

Let it not be said I am one to cover up when my side coughs up the ball. Especially when they do it in heels.

Posted by scott at 04:33 PM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2010
Laws of Physics Fail

Nice to see it's not just American SUV drivers who think 4WD magically transforms the road into dry pavement. I'm thinking that's somewhere either in Turkey or Iran, but I'm not at all sure. It'd be nice to think nobody got hurt, but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong there, too.

Posted by scott at 03:17 PM eMail this entry!
March 02, 2010
Green Fail

Actually, I'm surprised it's taken this long for some loon to fasten onto global warming as an excuse to off themselves. It's damned sad when even maniacs do this sort of thing to themselves. It's inexcusable to take their kids with them because they can't seek help.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2010
Sometimes Even Flashing Lights Don't Help

Hey, don't worry guys, I found a great place to park the fire truck. Meh. Detroit. Sorta says it all.

Posted by scott at 04:05 PM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2010
It's Official, Hi Fi Engineers All Smoke Crack

So it seems the actual next-gen home theater will be equipped with a whopping 24 separate speakers. Just what I need, another 19 cables snaking around my living room. So you heard Ellen's "yeah, no" from all the way out there, eh?

Posted by scott at 01:18 PM eMail this entry!
Whatabargain!!!

In Soviet Russia, tank sale finds you!. I swear, Mr. Customs Official, it just followed me home! Can I keep it? Please?!?

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
What?

Spider Crawl...not on my floor.

In my house you can get exercise by jumping over the sudden cat vomit pile.

Posted by Ellen at 08:15 AM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2010
Seems to Me Like that Would Itch

Ok, I'm calling sexism here, cos if guys were to sparkly-fy their junk and then post pictures of it on the intarwebs, the jokes would be endless. As if guys need another reason to scratch down there.

Posted by scott at 04:31 PM eMail this entry!
February 23, 2010
I Guess She Got the Boat Ramp Blues

Remember, folks, if you want to get bizzay, do it on level ground. You'd think a 67 year-old woman would know better. You'd be wrong.

Posted by scott at 01:45 PM eMail this entry!
February 18, 2010
Well Isn't That Attractive?

If it gets rid of an untreatable parasite that manifests itself as a three-foot long worm that burrows around in my body, I'm all for it! I definitely recall being grossed out by this concept back when I was in... junior high, I think. I just don't remember it being called a "Guinea worm." Yet another reason to stay the hell away from the desert!

Posted by scott at 02:06 PM eMail this entry!
Nature, in All its Wierdness

Nothing like a collection of 50 of the weirdest looking critters yet found to start your day. Most I'd heard of, a few I hadn't. I've seen video of giant isopods... those things are f-d up for sure!

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2010
mUnCh!

For peace of mind (and back, and legs, and arms), think about carrying Rest Easy, an organic spray said to repel or even kill bedbugs. You spray a defensive perimeter around your bed (you're advised against spraying it directly on the sheets) and presumably heed the age-old advice, "Don't let the bedbugs bite."

YUCK!!

Posted by Ellen at 09:09 PM eMail this entry!
You Have a V-Jay. V-Jay=Woman

His story: The man is Thomas Beatie, who grew up in Hawaii as Tracy, becoming a model and a finalist in this contest. Beatie began dressing and living as a man when he entered his 20s. Eventually he underwent this type of surgery but elected to retain his female reproductive organs.

Keeping your V-Jay= woman.

Look, I don't care what you do, who you are etc.. just don't expect the main stream media to understand you and accept you. You have female reproductive organs and you chose to use them. That alone makes you a woman, not 100% male. You may feel you are 100% male on the inside, but you got lady parts.

Sorry dude.

Posted by Ellen at 08:57 PM eMail this entry!
Wrong Kind of Nom

Looks like even Italians have a limit to their sense of humor. Ours are too fat, old, and lazy to have any kind of flavor. Well, assuming half-puked cat food isn't a flavor, I mean.

Posted by scott at 08:29 PM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2010
Zombie Dogs

Scientists are testing a radical re-animation strategy by draining all the blood out of dogs, replacing it with a super-cold saline solution, and then putting the real blood back after a few hours. I get why they're doing it, but I'm not going to volunteer for their first round of human trials, that's for sure.

Posted by scott at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
February 12, 2010
So, They're Saying it was Legal Before?!?

Virginia has joined a growing list of states outlawing involuntary chip implants. Go for the weird story, stay to watch the reporter trying to reconcile the deeply conflicted "privacy, for teh win!!!" and "ZOMG!1!! FUNDIES!!!!" storylines.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2010
14 X's?

Did someone put a paper bag over her head?

Posted by Ellen at 07:44 PM eMail this entry!
I Think He Went a Little Wide on the Turn

I just hope the driver managed to live through it.

Posted by scott at 03:21 PM eMail this entry!
What a Great Idea!

New from the Nanny State: Police to pose as burglars, break into houses, wake up residents and scold them for a lack of security. I think they'll also end up finding out which residents own cricket bats, machetes, and various illegal firearms. The hard way.

Posted by scott at 03:05 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2010
Ca-Runch

This is why Pittsburgh can't have nice things. Like the first comment says, if these were Saints fans, they would've been wearing more beads. And, like, fewer coats and touks.

Posted by scott at 04:44 PM eMail this entry!
February 08, 2010
Canine Rocky Mountain...Well...You Get It

Not only did he put the testicle from a castrated dog in his mouth but he also put a medical tube up his nose and showed a nurse a photo of his erect penis on his mobile phone. The 37-year-old, from Brighton, east Sussex, was charged with two offences by the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons while working at St Runwald’s Surgery in Colchester, Essex, between April 2008 and September 2009.

Umm...err...wow.

Posted by Ellen at 07:27 PM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2010
Bad Ink

I love ink...but some people are just retarded.

Posted by Ellen at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
Chicken Little in Conference

Today's "climate change will kill us all" debacle is brought to you by (closes eyes and throws dart)... the loss of all topsoil in Britain before the year 2070!!! ZOMG!!1q!! OH NOES!!! QUICK! SOMEONE GET THEM SOME FUNDING!!!

I remember hearing about this particular imminent apocalypse back in the 70s, when the watermelon agenda mostly revolved around fertilizers growing enough food to feed too many kulaks. It didn't happen then. It's not going to happen now.

Posted by scott at 06:44 AM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2010
Boobs a Blastin'

And in the, "oh-no-they-di'-uhn!!!" file, we have hajji stuffing women's boobs with explosives. This one is so sensationalist it just screams, "slow news day." Then again, the story claims they've already caught looneys with their butts full of Semtex, so wtf knows?

Posted by scott at 10:03 AM eMail this entry!
February 02, 2010
You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up
Posted by scott at 06:22 AM eMail this entry!
February 01, 2010
The Wrong Kind of "Ripped"

Not only is Rip Torn still around, he's still getting in trouble. I guess it proves that, no matter how rich you are, it is possible to be so drunk and annoying people will throw your old ass into jail

Posted by scott at 07:37 AM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2010
At Least There Weren't Any Bunnies Involved

Sometimes there's just no improving on the lede: "Days after D.C. Superior Court Magistrate Judge Janet Albert broke up with her girlfriend, the judge found her former companion unconscious in her attic, above her bedroom, with some food and an ice bucket fashioned into a makeshift toilet, authorities say."

No, really!

Posted by scott at 08:03 PM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2010
Ya Think?

Now that flu season is on its way out, the MSM has the balls to ask was the whole thing exaggerated? Ah, but reading the article reveals the true source of hysteria. It's the government's fault! Really!

Posted by scott at 07:07 AM eMail this entry!
January 22, 2010
Whatevah...

The saga of the secret codes appears to be over. As long as the sights keep shooting straight, I guess it's not that big of a price to keep the busybodies happy.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
Hydraulic Pressure, FTW!

Serves him right, wasting good booze like that. I thought it was fake, until the smoke alarm started going off. Heck it still might be, but it was an interesting explosion.

Posted by scott at 03:58 AM eMail this entry!
January 19, 2010
Ok, Well, Sparkly isn't Exactly What I Have in Mind When I Think of That

Ok, I get it, that chicks like to change things about their appearance and, you know, upgrade stuff. What I don't get is this whole "vagazzle" thing. Yeah, you heard me, that's what she said. Seems to me that'd, I dunno... itch.

Posted by scott at 05:55 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Brother Maynard, White Courtesy Phone Please

In the, "don't you have anything better to do?" bin, we have this hard-hitting investigative report which proves a small Michigan company is casting very short, very small biblical references into its gunsights. Of course someone's going to have a problem with this. Once they found out about it, anyway.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
January 18, 2010
Fish Noms Man

Hey, guess what? Swimming in shark-infested waters can be dangerous! The article starts out well enough, but the wheels fall completely off when the author tries to tie a rise in attacks with tourism and then (somehow) with sharks being over-fished.

Posted by scott at 07:34 AM eMail this entry!
January 17, 2010
High Shuttle

NASA officials have confirmed a baggie of cocaine was brought into the hangar complex which processes the space shuttles. Junkies are stupid, even rocket scientist junkies. I'm sure they'll catch the person, but, this being NASA, I'm sure it'll involve three dozen meetings, two press conferences, and the creation of at least seven new acronyms.

Posted by scott at 09:41 AM eMail this entry!
January 16, 2010
And Now, You Have Arrived at the True High End

Took me awhile, but I finally found the real high-end of the hi-fi hobby. Feast your eyes on a forty-two-thousand dollar set of mono amplifiers. Auditioned with a $14,000 turntable, natch. I honestly have no idea who pays for such foolishness, but I guess if it keeps a small bunch of craftsman off the bread line, it's all good.

Posted by scott at 05:49 PM eMail this entry!
January 14, 2010
Score. A Direct Hit.

That'd be Giant Tree: 1, Shed: 0. Explain that one to the adjuster.

Posted by scott at 08:24 PM eMail this entry!
Rrrmm... What?

Hey, if you can't link up a story about a stillborn lamb with a face like a human, well, what damned good is having your own website anyway? Let the Welsh jokes begin!

Posted by scott at 06:28 AM eMail this entry!
January 13, 2010
Patch O' Bullsh*t.

Now I have seen it all. If you can't get home early enough to walk the dog, then you have a problem.

Old dogs that have urinary problem etc.. puppies, sure.. but really, be responsible.

Posted by Ellen at 07:22 AM eMail this entry!
January 12, 2010
What a Comforting Thought

Problem: Effete Westerners have got all fluttery about the lead you're using on the kids products you're selling them, and now block them.

Solution: use a different poison.

I wonder if it glows?

Posted by scott at 06:55 AM eMail this entry!
January 11, 2010
Pay No Attention to the Man Making Money in the Corner

ClimateGate just gets better and better. How much better? How about the UN IPCC Chief is making millions on side-deals with companies specializing in carbon trades and "sustainable technologies?" Now, remind me again how these are the people who's advice to dismantle our economies we are to trust? I keep forgetting that part...

Posted by scott at 10:19 PM eMail this entry!
January 10, 2010
You Dropped Something

Sometimes there's just no improving on the headline: crime lord's fake penis falls off during raid. A hermaphroditic crime lord sounds like something out of a David Lynch flick. It also seems to provide even more proof of Mark Twain's axiom about truth and fiction.

Posted by scott at 09:02 AM eMail this entry!
January 08, 2010
Ok, That's the Wrong Kind of "Stuck"

Nothing quite as embarrassing as calling the fire department to cut your winkie out of a steel pipe. In the emergency room, no less. Not quite as bad as the story of the guy who got his junk caught in a machine belt so tight it threw him across the room and he tried to stitch it up with a stapler*, but you can see it from there.

---
*I'm not kidding. Google it.

Posted by scott at 09:27 PM eMail this entry!
January 07, 2010
How... Thoughtful...

Making the rounds: a funeral home is being sued because, apparently, they sent gramma's brain home with the flowers. Ok, suddenly my own mom's plan to be cremated is getting this giant silver lining...

Posted by scott at 08:41 PM eMail this entry!
December 31, 2009
Like I Don't Already Look Dorky Enough

Coming soon to a console near you: the "ultimate" FPS accessory. I'm still amazed nobody's come up with a left-hand HOTAS solution to give me no-lift access to the number keys and other odd combos.

Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
December 30, 2009
Bah, I'm Scared of it all Too

F- being a vegetarian, I wouldn't eat any of this stuff either. Warning: contains picture of already-prepared "mutt for dinner." Not violent or cruel, but it could upset the sensitive. As if those people still hang out here anyway.

Posted by scott at 08:32 AM eMail this entry!
December 29, 2009
Because We All Know How Awful Gitmo Is

Making the rounds: two of the four leaders allegedly behind the al Qaeda plot to blow up a Northwest Airlines passenger jet over Detroit were released by the U.S. from the Guantanamo prison in November, 2007, according to American officials and Department of Defense documents. Good thing that was during the Bush administration, otherwise we would've been greeted with another round of "cover-up for the president" from the MSM. But by all means, let's close it down, provide a forum for the worst of them during a show trial in Manhattan, and let the rest scatter to the four winds. What could possibly go wrong?

Posted by scott at 07:31 AM eMail this entry!
December 23, 2009
Umm... What?

Just when you thought the pervs had tried it all, we now have a butt-sniffing bandit. This one reeks of a hoax, but the police seem to be taking it seriously. For now.

Posted by scott at 09:43 AM eMail this entry!
December 21, 2009
Outdoor Forensics

Ok, I get that people need gross anatomy classes. What I don't quite understand is why it's being taught outside. Note: Pictures are luridly graphic, but since the dude is already seriously dead, it's not exactly violent. Gotta learn somehow, I guess.

Posted by scott at 07:32 AM eMail this entry!
December 20, 2009
Welcome to the High End

Remember when I said the Hi-Fi hobby has a nosebleed section? This one's in the center section, mid-field. Read the first page, as much as you can anyway, and then skip to the last page. It literally took my breath away when I saw the price. Yes, Virginia, there are audiophiles far nuttier (and richer) than I.

Posted by scott at 10:47 AM eMail this entry!
December 19, 2009
What a Heartwarming Christmas Story

First, the "you can't make this stuff up" lede: "A 4-year-old boy, beer in hand, is accused of stealing Christmas presents from his neighbors. It's a strange story, but also a sad one. "

And then there's "The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl's dress and drinking a beer."

But best of all is: ""He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Ah, the holidays!

Posted by scott at 12:15 PM eMail this entry!
December 17, 2009
When Monkeys Attack

No, really, when monkeys attack. I've watched Olivia make almost exactly that move on a little punk at the playground when his teasing turned to touching. I had to yell at her to stop, but inside I was definitely smiling.

Posted by scott at 06:35 AM eMail this entry!
December 16, 2009
F'ing Chicks

Annie gets a no-prize that'll fit in a pocket protector for bringing us news that girls feel they're driven out of the computer science because (waves hands around), "it's masculine geeky." Think about that one for a second. Yeah, that "smack" sound was all my guy friends doing a face-palm.

Don't worry, man. I'm raising one and I still don't understand them.

Posted by scott at 08:08 PM eMail this entry!
Think Fast

Hmm... I'll take armed, naked crazies on the lawn for $200, Alex. As noted previously, I'd wager she looks more like Kathy Bates than Uma Thurmond. Life often isn't fair that way.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
December 15, 2009
Well that Seems... Useful...

Presenting Fapmapper, which combines the creep factor of public wankers with the utility of Google maps. I learned a very long time ago that people who want to be seen naked in public are 99.99% of the time the last people who should be seen naked in public. If this helps me avoid them, well, there ya go.

Posted by scott at 07:19 PM eMail this entry!
Let's Hear it for Progressive Justice

The shape of things to come here: brothers beat down home invaders and receive multi-year jail terms for their trouble. Well what do they expect? Sure, the robbers tied them up on the floor, but the robbers also said the family wouldn't be killed as long as they didn't move! Those maniacs went after the robbers with a cricket bat! Put one of them in the hospital! And a good thing too it happened in Britain, otherwise that poor thief likely would not have gotten the best of care!

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
December 14, 2009
Sayings Proof

To wit: There's no such thing as a woman so beautiful a man can't be made sick of her crap. With (barely) SFW pictures of an example. The obverse is, of course, just as true.

Posted by scott at 08:18 PM eMail this entry!
December 11, 2009
Well, Everyone's Gotta Go Somehow

A 70 year old man has apparently died of a heart attack while skydiving. When I first read it, I wondered, "how could you tell that from a bunch of hamburger and broken bones?!?", but it turns out he was tandem jumping. Go grampa! Bye, grampa!

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 10, 2009
Holy Mary Mother of...

This one was so gross I didn't want to keep it up on my computer: a tongue-eating parasite has been found of the coast of New Jersey. It (thankfully) is harmless to humans, well, except for that whole "so skeeved I need a shower" feeling. With severely creepy pictures!

Posted by scott at 09:09 AM eMail this entry!
December 09, 2009
What the Frak?!?

Making the rounds: a mysterious spiral blue light appeared in the skies over Norway last night. Not only do they have pictures, they have video. I don't know what the f- it is, but if I had to put a $5 chip down I'd set it on, "Russkie missle test gone bad."

Posted by scott at 07:23 PM eMail this entry!
Of Course You Should do this for an Article of Faith

A better, and more honest, way to put it would be, in the face of heretics and apostates, first affirm the faith. I didn't, and don't, want to turn this into some sort of humanist holy war, but the other side seem to already have.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
December 07, 2009
EOE Fail

Ok, I get that some folks could be skeeved out by transgender people. Being raised in the deep South, I know there are an unfortunate number of people so badly skeeved out they do stupid things. You know, like leave a nasty, threatening voice mail message on the phone of a transgender teen who just applied for a job at their McDonalds. A bit of a shame, really. The bottom rungs of McDs are rightfully seen as a kind of hell, but the truth is it's not a dead end. Far from it. Work at it hard enough, long enough, and McDs will make someone with a high school diploma very wealthy indeed.

But not for this guy. No, this guy let his prejudices override his professionalism, and now what likely was a bright future is now a dead end.

Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

Posted by scott at 10:17 PM eMail this entry!
December 04, 2009
You Put What, Where???

Nothing like finding vines in the vah-jay-jay to throw your whole day off (SFW). Annie gets a no-prize that damned well better warm its hands before it sets to work for bringing us proof that old-world stabs at birth control are still alive and well.

Posted by scott at 04:04 PM eMail this entry!
When Christmas Trees Attack

No, really, when Christmas trees attack. Being a good German Austrian, he told the authorities, cut the tree to size, and drove it home.

Posted by scott at 02:02 PM eMail this entry!
December 03, 2009
Score. A Direct Hit.

So in a street full of tall buildings, these guys manage to smash a moving car. An advantage to driving an old, low-slung sports car is it increases the chances of a miss. A disadvantage is if it manages to score they'll have to scrape what's left off the wrecking ball.

Posted by scott at 08:16 PM eMail this entry!
December 02, 2009
Why the Japanese Didn't Get Around to This I Never Will Know

That's right, folks, for about $130 a night you too can experience life as a hamster. All it would need to complete the experience is a giant, menacing cat. Oh no, ours are too old, fat, and lazy to be much of a threat to anything.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
December 01, 2009
What Price, Beauty?

Making the rounds: a former Miss Argentina is dead from complications resulting from cosmetic buttock surgery. In other news, people pay good money to have a surgeon take a knife to their ass.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
November 30, 2009
A Threat to Good Taste, Maybe, but Safety?

Want to know what more than a decade of progressive government will look like? Wonder no more. The best part is, most people on the left side of the peanut gallery are now wondering what, exactly, the problem is.

Posted by scott at 06:27 AM eMail this entry!
November 27, 2009
Well That's Just Great

So now the hard left is dreaming of Diocletian. Because, when they do that, they think it goes over the heads of the plebes who would otherwise react badly if they were to use the name of the person they really want. ~ Where have you gone, Joseph Stalin... ~

Posted by scott at 04:02 PM eMail this entry!
Japan, Natch

Leave it to the home of everything truly weird to give us the first known case of a man marrying a video game character. No, really!

Posted by scott at 08:06 AM eMail this entry!
November 26, 2009
Statue: 1, Deer: 0

Ya know, it's just not fair setting up a realistic-looking deer made out of frikkin' concrete. A buck could get hurt, donchaknow? Killed, even!

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
November 23, 2009
Clown Car Time

Leave it to The Sun to find a woman who keeps having kids because all she really wants is a set of twins. It takes awhile, but it would appear she's a very hard-working housewife. Still, 14 kids does seem quite a lot.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
November 22, 2009
And You Think Your Commute is Bad

I'm sure this'll trigger an impressive round of hysterical journalism, but leave it to the Post to get it started off right: Subway riders sealed in murder car. After reading the article, if the guy keeps his mouth shut and gets a good lawyer, I think he probably could get a self defense plea to work. Regardless, it seems a good lesson in "keep your crap into your lap, you idiot."

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
November 21, 2009
I Definitely Don't Remember *THOSE* Bibles

For proof that porn has come (ha!) a very long way indeed, one need only examine these scans of "Tijuana Bibles". Suddenly the fact that red-light districts were largely legal in pre-WWII US makes a heck of a lot more sense.

NSFW, but it's Saturday, wtf are you doing at work?

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
November 18, 2009
K'Plah! Or, Something...

Meh, his kid, his rules: "Is this taking the whole Star Trek thing a teensie weensie bit too far? d'Armond Speers spoke only Klingon to his child for the first three years of its life."

Thing is, kids learn languages like a sponge at that age. Other than teaching him a few strange-ish sounds, I'll wager he'll be fine.

Posted by scott at 06:30 PM eMail this entry!
November 16, 2009
Dude. Wait, What?

Great. Even their politicians are cooler than ours:

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin rubbed shoulders with rappers and was hailed with "respect" in a television show on Friday that could help boost his flagging ratings.

Of course, people worship Obama. Beat that!

Posted by scott at 06:06 PM eMail this entry!
November 15, 2009
WTF!? Run Away!

This is a JOKE right? Right?

Posted by Ellen at 08:12 PM eMail this entry!
November 13, 2009
Insert Risky Business Reference Here

Ron gets a no-prize shaped like a crystal egg with a crack in it for bringing us proof that the Bugatti Veyron does not make for much of a boat. Brackish water, no less. Fixable? Probably, but likely only with a complete disassembly.

Posted by scott at 08:34 AM eMail this entry!
November 12, 2009
Chimp Attack Woman On Oprah

Why someone should not be able to own a chimp no matter how well they can care for it.

Just because your state allows it does not mean you should own it.

Posted by Ellen at 09:06 PM eMail this entry!
November 10, 2009
Play Time: Not Yours

Valve's on-line gaming service Steam has decided to combine the convenience of advanced download with the empowerment of the nanny state. I became disillusioned with Steam when something went wrong and it decided I'd given my password away for... well, it was never entirely clear why I would be doing that. At any rate, not only did it lock me out of all the on-line games, which would've merely been annoying, but it also locked me out of the off-line games, which was flat outrageous. Rubbing salt in the wound was their, "you're cheating. What did you expect? Get over it." attitude.

So from that point forward it's been brick-and-mortar boxes for me, FTW!

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
November 09, 2009
When Strollers Attack

Two words you never want to hear together: stroller, and amputation. Since they're talking a stroller which cost more than $100, we can happily say Olivia had no chance of sitting in one. It took me some searching to determine this is not related to the team what makes the race cars go really fast.

Posted by scott at 06:04 PM eMail this entry!
November 05, 2009
Dude. Wait, What?

There's horse whisperers, and then, well, then there's guys like this.

Via, I kid you not, Instapundit, who I am now convinced reads us all the time. Because this is exactly what we would've linked, if we'd had his connections. Kno'wha'I'mean?

Except Alfas are way cooler than Mazdas. I mean, really...

Posted by scott at 09:43 PM eMail this entry!
November 03, 2009
I Guess Someone has to Start Rumors of Their Demise

Somebody somewhere seems to think the CIA is predicting Israel's demise in 20 years. The text of the article is just barely coherent, and reeks of often-mourned Weekly World News. And don't even get me started on the comments.

Everything I've read indicates, if anything is done, as soon as the Israelis finish their wall they're going to scoop up the outlying settlers and give the Palis a state whether they want it or not.

Posted by scott at 05:56 PM eMail this entry!
November 02, 2009
When Jellyfish Attack

No, really, when jellyfish attack! 6 feet across and 400 hundred pounds. If that don't define f'd up, I don't know what does.

Posted by scott at 06:09 PM eMail this entry!
October 30, 2009
Parking: You're Doing it Wrong

Nothing quite like some drunken loon parking his car over the bed you're actually sleeping in to start the day. And that, children, is why people with multi-story houses put their bedrooms on the upper floors.

Posted by scott at 06:33 AM eMail this entry!
October 29, 2009
Bang Your Lights

Just when you think the Japanese just can't get any stranger, they go and invent florescent light bulb fighting. You'd think they'd at least make them wear safety goggles or something.

Posted by scott at 06:30 AM eMail this entry!
October 28, 2009
When Bridges Attack

No, really, when bridges attack! Missed them by THAT much. Well, actually, it didn't miss them at all. My luck, I'd be driving the (presumably) freshly-restored spider across that dratted thing when it decided to whack a motorist or two.

Posted by scott at 07:05 AM eMail this entry!
October 26, 2009
You're Doing it Wrong

Personally, pouring gasoline on a camp and setting it on fire just to get rid of snakes seems a bit excessive. After all, with Ellen and Amber around, the snakes would do well to run and hide, lest they fall victim to ohmygodomygodomygodit'ssoooCYOOOTTT!!! attacks.

Posted by scott at 08:17 PM eMail this entry!
October 24, 2009
Sympathy? I Think Not.

William Heirens, the "Lipstick Killer," is believed to be the longest-serving inmate in the United States. He turns 81 on November 15.

Good. Stay there. But, if it was up to me, you would have been euthanized a long time ago.

Posted by Ellen at 10:02 PM eMail this entry!
October 21, 2009
Frankenbird

Scientists are trying to figure out what makes memory tick by, wait for it, merging the brains of two different bird species into one embryo. None of the creatures has made it out of the egg just yet, but scientists think it's only a matter of time. Sometimes science is way cool. Sometimes it's way skeevy.

Posted by scott at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
October 20, 2009
Now I've Seen Everything

Move over, penis pump, Jolie Lips is the new game in town. Article is completely SFW. The product, on the other hand, well...

Posted by scott at 06:51 AM eMail this entry!
He's Definitely Shiny

The cold truth is, if he's as rich as he looks to be, he won't have to wait too long for a hot chick to look him up. I didn't even know you could get that much gold in a house.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
October 19, 2009
Riddle Me This

I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine whether or not this really is the right answer.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
October 18, 2009
Shining Lunacy

At first, this essay about Stanely Kubrick's The Shining seems straightforward enough. A standard, and even a little innovative, art-house look at one of Kubrick's more popular films. Then, around, say, the third or forth paragraph on the second page, it jumps off the tracks and dives into an unexpected and completely weird abyss.

I finished it anyway simply because he did such a good job of trapping me into reading the first part.

Posted by scott at 07:59 AM eMail this entry!
October 16, 2009
Score One for the South

Ok, so which would you want to try fried... a Snickers bar or an f'ing scorpion? Yeah, thought so. Advantage, rednecks!

Posted by scott at 06:29 PM eMail this entry!
October 15, 2009
When Suggestion Attacks

Ok, so 'fess up... have you seen this man in your dreams? Me, I usually can't remember the faces of strange guys in my dreams. Strange women, well, the faces not so much. Just how much they always seem to resemble my wife.

My story, sticking to it.

Posted by scott at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
October 14, 2009
And the Antenna Goes, "Zap Zap Zap"

Mark gets an electric no-prize for bringing us the sad tale of a family and their careless attempt to upgrade their hobby gear. There's a video floating around which shows an Indian guy walking around on top of a train getting careless and grabbing the high-tension wires above him. Let's just say it was over quickly, but likely not quickly enough.

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
October 09, 2009
Well of COURSE This Guy Would Defend Him

With friends like these... I dunno, having someone who openly admits to pederasty defending someone who's been on the lam for child rape for twenty years seems appropriate. In a twisted European moral relative way, I guess.

Ron gets a no-prize in a raincoat for bringing us proof there actually is something creepier than what Polanski did to that girl.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
October 08, 2009
Couldn't Happen to a Nicer Guy I Guess

Mark gets a very explosive no-prize for bringing us news of yet another Darwin near-miss. Ah well, I guess getting your hands blown off is punishment enough for screwing around with explosives. Bonus: He lived in the basement, and mom ran a daycare center upstairs.

Update: But wait! There's more! Apparently there was a pot farm on-site. You just can't make this stuff up...

Posted by scott at 05:46 PM eMail this entry!
October 05, 2009
Cold Bat

Making the rounds: the place Ted Williams entrusted his head for cryogenic storage is just about the opposite of nice. If the book is true, at any rate. Bonus: said book will contain lots of gruesome pictures, making it nearly certain to end up on my shelf some time soon.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
October 02, 2009
I Bet that Adds a Certain... Piquancy...

Hey man, if it's wrapped in plastic, it doesn't matter where I put it, right? I guess that proves just how nutty addiction makes a person, since I'd have to be out of my freaking mind to want to hide a bag of coke up my wazoo.

Posted by scott at 06:10 PM eMail this entry!
September 30, 2009
What's the Sound of an Idiot 20-Something in Trouble?

Another election cycle, another side of the aisle's married-cousin offspring learning it is in fact against the law to threaten the President. Oh sit down. I can think of half a dozen times when some lefty wackjob pulled the same stunt with Bush and then went to their blog to shriek about Bush's "suppression of their rights."

Posted by Ellen at 06:53 PM eMail this entry!
September 29, 2009
What a Great Idea

All you guys who want to give up sovereignty to international bodies like the World Court and the UN? Yeah, I totally agree with you now:

In his rambling diatribe to the U.N. General Assembly on Sept. 23, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi criticized the world body for being unfair to small nations. The comment struck a chord with the Swiss, since Gaddafi has been on a self-proclaimed mission to destroy their little country.
...
Although the motion [to abolish Switzerland] was thrown out because it violates the U.N. Charter ... some Swiss leaders are still concerned that Libya could use its yearlong presidency of the U.N. General Assembly, which began on Sept. 15, to keep up Gaddafi's vitriolic attacks on their country.

I mean, what's not to love?

Posted by scott at 02:11 PM eMail this entry!
September 25, 2009
That's Gonna Leave a Mark

Of all the things I thought I needed to worry about if I was critically sick, getting run over by the paramedics themselves was not one of them. Homeless drunks just seem genetically programmed to turn up in the most inconvenient places at the most inconvenient times.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
September 24, 2009
Ok, That's Tacky Too

Nothing quite like an actual, recent, celebrity murder-suicide as the inspiration for a haunted house display. I guess whoever built it really really didn't like the Titans.

Posted by scott at 10:05 AM eMail this entry!
September 23, 2009
Things Are Tough All Over

Oh noes! Things are so bad the Real Doll people are offering specials. Can a government bailout be far behind? Hey, man, I bet over time one of those is cheaper than Viagra. Make it part of Obamacare! Hey, the sex offender and "traps-women-in-the-back-yard" lobby will definitely get behind it.

As it were.

Via Instapundit.

Posted by scott at 06:23 PM eMail this entry!
Ouuuch...

That would be lamp post: 1, Ferrari: 0. It would seem the driver walked away. I'd wager the owner has already had half a dozen inquiries for parts.

Posted by scott at 07:04 AM eMail this entry!
More Like a Red Neck Kind of Thing

I'm not kidding, the guy almost literally said, "watch this!" before he did his deadly-stupid deed. I once watched a drainage culvert behind my apartment building filled to its banks with rushing flood waters. Something powerful enough to sweep whole trees and rocks away is something that no red neck should trifle with. He did, and paid the price.

Posted by scott at 06:40 AM eMail this entry!
September 21, 2009
Stupid Kids Destroy Mutant

Leave it to kids not to run away but kill it.

Weird photos!

Posted by Ellen at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
Zombie Fish

Scientists recently discovered that a sophisticated type of brain scanner showed activity when cognitive tests were performed on a dead salmon. In other words, they bought a whole salmon at a market, stuck it in the machine, showed it some pictures and asked it some questions, and found activity in the scanner data. Ultimately, the paper is trying to highlight the fact that using these sorts of devices isn't as simply as a point-and-shoot camera, and if proper care isn't taken, well, your results will show a dead salmon thinking about a beach picture you're showing it.

Posted by scott at 06:47 AM eMail this entry!
September 20, 2009
Never Let the Facts Get in the Way of a Good Story

This just in: JFK was gunned down by an extreme right-wing lunatic. The only thing richer than ignoring the historic facts of Oswald's beliefs and motivations is ignoring which party benefited the most from JFK's assassination. I've been entertained watching the moonbats twirl in their belfries for about nine years now. I've just never seen them spin this fast.

Posted by scott at 08:05 AM eMail this entry!
September 18, 2009
What the Frak?!?

Just because you might know about money doesn't mean you know a darned thing about cars. What sort of actually sweet rides can you pick up for $12k? Well, in no particular order, you could get, in ABSOLUTELY PERFECT CONDITION, a:

  • 1991 Chevrolet Corvette
  • 1971 Alfa Romeo Spider
  • 1992 BWM 5Csi
  • 1974 Datsun 240Z
  • 1994 Alfa Romeo 164Q

I'm sure your list will be different, but no less cool. And, unlike the "sweet rides" in the article, at the end of five years these cars will still be worth more or less what you paid for them. Regardless, they'll all kick the crap outta one of those goofy little Smart cars, eh?

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
September 14, 2009
Umm... Ouch?

Nothing like losing half your skull for ruining your day, eh? Even better: the guys who did it are going to walk because the prosecutors say they don't have enough evidence.

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
September 11, 2009
Rrrmm... What?

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, the saga of the "gender vague" runner takes yet another weird twist. Look, I think people who run when nobody's chasing them are a little strange to begin with, but this is ridiculous.

Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
September 09, 2009
Ew Ew Ew Ew EW!

Ya know, I can understand doing just about anything to stay out of jail, but people have to draw a line somewhere. One of my mom's favorite stories about our old liquor store involved a guy with a colostomy bag paying cash for booze. Turns out those things are much nastier than you think they are.

Posted by scott at 06:04 PM eMail this entry!
September 08, 2009
We'll Isn't that Interesting?
Posted by scott at 06:32 AM eMail this entry!
September 06, 2009
And You Thought Taking Your Shoes Off was Bad

Great. Just great. If the TSA starts demanding body cavity searches, I'm just gonna walk. No amount of speed and comfort is worth that.

Posted by scott at 08:12 AM eMail this entry!
September 04, 2009
How Did She Wipe Her Butt?

She said: “Losing my fingernails has been the most dramatic thing that’s happened in my life. I think it was my grandson that said, ‘Grandma, they are like your baby; you’ve taken care of them for 30 years and lost them in a second’. But then when you think about it, you know our whole life could end in a second, not just part of the body, but your whole life.”

How many bottles of nail polish she used at one time.

Posted by Ellen at 07:16 AM eMail this entry!
September 03, 2009
About Time!

Seventy days after his sudden death, Michael Jackson will be interred in what may or may not be his final resting place Thursday evening.
That's one stinky corpse!
Posted by Ellen at 06:57 AM eMail this entry!
Oh Noes! He Kicked Teh Bukett!

Akituusaq, son of world-renowned walrus Ayveq, died on Sept. 1 of complications from pneumonia. He was two years old. Let the dissections begin!

Posted by scott at 06:50 AM eMail this entry!
September 02, 2009
MMOOOoooooo! *SpLaT!*

Dozens of alpine cows appear to be committing suicide by throwing themselves off a cliff near the small village in the Alps.

Maybe they saw a comet?No purple drapes or new sneakers though.

Posted by Ellen at 07:01 AM eMail this entry!
September 01, 2009
Dude. They Make One of Those for Cats and I'm Gold

Can't stop the little monsters from crapping in your house? Now you can. The only real drawback I see for cats is I'd need two, one to catch "inappropriate elimination" and another to catch "go cross-eyed and hork up the remains of a transporter accident." Here kitty-kitty-kitty...

Posted by scott at 03:26 PM eMail this entry!
OOOooo... Scary!

So, is Michael Jackson's ghost haunting Neverland? I guess the answer would depend on what you defined as a "ghost."

Posted by scott at 09:35 AM eMail this entry!
August 31, 2009
Well that Sounds Messy

The things you learn when your daughter only wants to watch Sponge Bob and all you have to do is troll Wikipedia include learning what happens to a human body when the diving chamber it's in goes from 9 atmospheres to 1 in a fraction of a second:

Subsequent investigation by forensic pathologists determined D4, being exposed to the highest pressure gradient, violently exploded due to the rapid and massive expansion of internal gases. All of his thoracic and abdominal organs, and even his thoracic spine were ejected, as were all of his limbs. Simultaneously, his remains were expelled through the narrow trunk opening left by the jammed chamber door, less than 60 centimeters (24 inches) in diameter. Fragments of his body were found scattered about the rig. One part was even found lying on the rig’s derrick, 10 meters (30 feet) directly above the chambers. His death was most likely instantaneous and painless.

How this has managed to avoid being turned into a movie I never will know.

Posted by scott at 03:07 PM eMail this entry!
August 30, 2009
How About "No"?

Coming soon to a Christmas tree far, far away from mine: the pole dancer doll. Oh no, it's much worse than you think it is. Much worse.

Posted by scott at 03:50 PM eMail this entry!
Dude. Wait, What?

Ok, all together now, injecting things into Mr. Winky makes him sad. And who the hell pulls out their wang at a drinking party anyway? Man, just put it away.

Posted by scott at 10:24 AM eMail this entry!
August 28, 2009
Ka-*BOOM!!!*

I don't care what Snopes says, this is a much better story if it was caused by some redneck with a backhoe. Corroded gas lines are bad, mmkay?

Posted by scott at 12:20 PM eMail this entry!
Well, that's... Different...

Like the headline says: Meet Lauren Williams, the woman with two vaginas. It's not a porno title, it's a medical condition! Article is SFW.

Posted by scott at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 25, 2009
You Gotta be Kidding Me

As if being a poodle wasn't bad enough, people have to go and do this to them. Meh. Doggies don't care as long as there's food to eat and toilets to drink out of. Ellen loves these sorts of things.

Posted by scott at 10:17 AM eMail this entry!
August 24, 2009
Fun with Photoshop

There's nothing quite like photo-realistic retouching to mess with your day. Bock Bock!

Posted by scott at 09:55 PM eMail this entry!
August 21, 2009
Atheist Scam Alert!

Who the hell is going to pay them after the Rapture? I mean, no pet sitter in their right mind gets paid $110 for long term watching of a pet.

Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable. For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged friends.

It's the next best thing to pet salvation to a post Rapture world.

Posted by Ellen at 09:23 AM eMail this entry!
August 20, 2009
Weird...Yet Fascinating...

Seven Awesome Acts of Nature.

Posted by Ellen at 04:48 PM eMail this entry!
August 19, 2009
This Is So Wrong On Many Levels...

To recycle the sex toys drop it in the mail. Please clean them first. Yes, they can be used sex toys. They can also be unused. They can even be broken sex toys. When the toys arrive at the Dreamscapes Recycling location the toys are clean and disassemble into parts. The parts are then sent to select recycling facilities. Every part of each sex toy is recycled and/or disposed of responsibly: the batteries, the hard (no pun intended) plastics, the rubber, the silicone, the metal, the motor and any e-waste.

I vomited a bit in my mouth with this one.

Posted by Ellen at 06:29 PM eMail this entry!
Sensational Headlines? From the Media?

Observation: there seem to be a few reports of iPhones hissing, steaming, or cracking.

Headline: Apple investigating iPhone explosions.

Well, it did make me read the article, after all.

Posted by scott at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
August 13, 2009
Bad Ink
Posted by Ellen at 06:42 AM eMail this entry!
August 12, 2009
Where to Begin...

Gotta love Florida. Where else can a dog get his leg bitten off, whilst illegally off the leash, drinking from a pond, by a 10 foot alligator, in a public park characterized as "a popular recreation facility"?!?

Yeah. 10 foot alligators are definitely what I want to see when I take my kid over to the swing set! Welp, there we go, strike Florida off the list of "nice places to live."

Posted by scott at 12:49 PM eMail this entry!
Couldn't've Happened to a Nicer Guy

A guy seen tossing his girlfriend through a window fell in after her and was fatally injured in the process. Unfortunate that such things are so unusual. The court system would be much more straightforward if it were otherwise.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
August 11, 2009
What a Bargain!

Olivia: "Daddy? Watchadoin?"

Me: "I'm typing."

Olivia: "About what?"

Me: "About a guy selling a $6000 Mercedes for $100,000 because he thinks he's Christ's grandson."

Ellen: "What?!?"

There's car crazy, and then there's car crazy.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
August 10, 2009
I Guess Everyone Needs a Hobby

I'd like to think a furries convention would be a fun place for little kids to visit and see all sorts of amazing and cute cartoon characters. And, as long as Olivia's hand is held firmly in mine, we might even think about visiting one.

By watching it on TV.

Across the room.

With our eyes half shut.

Maybe.

Posted by scott at 03:32 PM eMail this entry!
I've Wanted to do This

Child leashes would seem to have more uses than you'd initially suppose. For whatever reason, we never seemed to need anything like that. Maybe girls are less likely to run off?

Posted by scott at 06:31 AM eMail this entry!
August 07, 2009
A Difference only in Language

A friend recently wondered what a truly outraged Ellen might be capable of. This sounds about right. I can say with some pride that, while I have done any number of boneheaded things under the influence, I've never made someone so mad at me they actually set me on fire.

Posted by scott at 06:52 AM eMail this entry!
August 05, 2009
Well that Sucks

Problem: Lead paint is dangerous to children.

Reaction: WE'RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, AND WE'RE HERE TO HELP!!!

Unintended consequence: Classic children's books disappear.

Hope and change, people. Hope and change...

Posted by scott at 02:56 PM eMail this entry!
And Now, Your Moment of Zen

31shorts-600.jpg

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this. I bet the shoes cost $300, easy.

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
August 04, 2009
Don't Use La Plaz Funeral Home NYC

In fact, by the end of the funeral the flies buzzing around the body's open wound became so persistent the funeral home placed a white veil over the corpse's head to protect it.

Every family's nightmare.

Posted by Ellen at 09:09 PM eMail this entry!
Amber? Is That You?

It's all fun and games until your reality show "performance" violates your probation. Go for the "yeah, right, pull the other one" explanations from the principal. Stay for the comments from her pimp-tastic lawyer.

Posted by scott at 07:02 AM eMail this entry!
August 03, 2009
That's Good to Know

Well, I'm still not completely sure if mermaids exist, but it would seem that, if they do, Allah says it's OK to eat them. Something tells me they probably won't taste like chicken. Too bad the Imam won't be able to advise if we should use a Chardonnay or a Merlot.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
Rrrm... What?

Leave it to the English to create a story with proper grammar, containing simple words, that makes no sense whatever. They do love their eccentrics, I'll give them that...

Posted by scott at 11:38 AM eMail this entry!
You Ate What?!?

Annie gets a tasty but scary-looking no-prize for bringing us Steve! Don't eat that!, a blog which chronicles the various culinary experiences of its eponymous author. All those things you cruise past in the grocery store, that look curious but too scary to actually try? Yeah, he tries them.

Posted by scott at 06:25 AM eMail this entry!
July 27, 2009
Head for the Hills!!!

Two words: killer chipmunks. What's that you say? The media over-hyping a crisis to sell papers? Bah. Next you'll tell me they'll sensationalize a celebrity's death just to get ratings...

Posted by scott at 06:39 AM eMail this entry!
July 24, 2009
That'll Leave a Mark

Sometimes there's just no improving on the story itself:

A Chinese girl was lost her memory and had to be taken to hospital after she was hit on the head by a pregnant tortoise.

Unfortunately the chelonian missile didn't make it, and the girl looks like she'll literally be scarred for life.

Posted by scott at 09:56 AM eMail this entry!
July 22, 2009
~ Goodness Gracious, Great Pods of Fire! ~

Hopefully our friend Kevin does not in fact use an iPod, otherwise I'd fear for his bad-luck-self's safety:

An exclusive KIRO 7 Investigation reveals an alarming number of Apple brand iPod MP3 players have suddenly burst into flames and smoke, injuring people and damaging property.

Local media sensationalizing a story for effect? Say it ain't so!

Posted by scott at 12:45 PM eMail this entry!
July 21, 2009
That Defines Group Cremation!

The small fire spread throughout the wooden roof structure and appeared to be concentrated in the roof stack of the crematorium, he added.

Makes you wonder who started it.

Posted by Ellen at 06:54 AM eMail this entry!
July 19, 2009
These People Were Just Sick

"(The) majority of them were sacrificed using a very sharp bladed instrument, probably a copper or bronze tummy knife. And for the majority there are a several combinations, complex set of variations on cutting of the throat, " Mr Klaus said.

The stupid shit people back then belived.

Posted by Ellen at 09:02 AM eMail this entry!
July 16, 2009
Smokey BBQ

"The handle of the fork broke off and it went straight into Smokey's head. He ran away and after that we thought he must have gone off and died.

Say it with me: Aww..

Note: The owner has no teeth, and is a total hick winner.

Posted by Ellen at 07:40 PM eMail this entry!
Umm... Sit?

Well, if nothing else at least this guy has the body to pull it off. Just what, exactly, he's trying to pull off, I have no idea. I'm just glad it's a little youTube video. That was frightening enough.

Posted by scott at 06:45 AM eMail this entry!
July 15, 2009
Strange Bedfellows

Ok, now I've seen everything: Obama administration's threat to veto F-22 purchase draws ire of gay activists. Those unfamiliar with how Washington works will be puzzled. Those familiar can repeat after me, "they must have attached a rider to the bill to get something passed."

Hehehehehehheh... rider... heheheheheheh...

Posted by scott at 10:55 AM eMail this entry!
July 14, 2009
I Guess the Rules are Different in Asia

I guess I'm a terrible person for smirking at this. At least a little. No, it's not nice to purposely freak out a bear cub, but I just don't know if that's how they all act, if that's how this one acts and it's a pain in the ass and they're trying to train it out of the cub, or if they're just a bunch of cruel m-f'ers. I didn't recognize the alphabet, didn't look like Chinese or Japanese. Maybe this was in Malaysia somewhere?

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
Having Solved all Other Problems...

... progressives are now recommending banning tobacco products outright in the military. It's my understanding restrictions on where someone can smoke are every bit as strict and arbitrary as they are in the civilian world. Of course, since incentives aren't working, and this is the military, we'll just make them quit. After all, legislating human behavior works so very well!

Posted by scott at 07:09 AM eMail this entry!
July 13, 2009
Falling Out n' In

Well, it's nice to know it's not just Americans who can take a video game way too seriously. Fallout was one of those games everyone liked but I just couldn't get into. I actually enjoy a bit of linear story telling, since otherwise I'm just wandering around getting my a-- shot off for reasons I don't understand. Meh.

Posted by scott at 03:44 PM eMail this entry!
July 11, 2009
Just Nasty...

I don't care this is so nasty I wanted to vomit.

I remember being asked if I even wanted to SEE mine and I squealed and told them to get it away from me.

NASTY!

With disgusting video included!

Posted by Ellen at 07:58 PM eMail this entry!
Well, that'll Do It

~ I hate life, a bushel and a peck / a bushel and a peck and a rope around the neck:

A taxi driver decapitated himself after tying a rope around his neck and a post before driving off at high speed.

If nothing else I guess he should get points for originality.

Posted by scott at 07:59 AM eMail this entry!
July 10, 2009
Boo x 14

“This is something you’re not supposed to believe in if you are a believer in God, but it’s something that I’m a little worried about. But when you’re scared, you keep praying and ask it kindly to leave politely, and pray and hopefully that will work.”

Just in case it won’t leave on its own, Nadya says she’s going to place up to 20 Bibles around the home to ward off any spirits.

She just can't get enough attention.

Posted by Ellen at 08:03 PM eMail this entry!
July 08, 2009
14 Kilos

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learny ed that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

Ages?

July 06, 2009
Mother f-ing Ouch!

Ok, I can think of 5... no... 8... different ways this is just wrong. Mr. Winky does not appreciate being introduced to Mr. Nail Clipper, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE! Mmmkay?

Posted by scott at 09:50 PM eMail this entry!
July 05, 2009
HIKE!

Well this is just sad.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Former Titans quarterback Steve McNair has been killed. Police said McNair suffered a fatal gunshot wound to the head in downtown Nashville.

Read the article.
Posted by Ellen at 09:04 PM eMail this entry!
July 02, 2009
A Tisket A Tasket...

An onlooker said: "The men took a lot of care unloading and moving the coffin. They did everything very respectfully."

Wow...sure hope they do it that way, since it's done for everyone else. Caskets aren't cheap. I'm surprised it's not covered in rhinestones.

Meanwhile Jacko's pal and music producer Quincy Jones yesterday vowed NOT to attend the funeral.

Mr Jones said he would not be able to cope with the sadness.

You and the entire continent of Asia.

Article with pix goodness.

Posted by Ellen at 06:56 AM eMail this entry!
July 01, 2009
To Hold...

It's a defining moment in a parent's life: Seeing their unborn child's image on an ultrasound for the first time. Now pregnant women could have the chance to hold a life-size model of their unborn baby.

Science can do amazing things.

Posted by Ellen at 09:00 PM eMail this entry!
June 30, 2009
You've Gotta be Kidding Me

This one's just too weird, even for Jackson: if this report is to be believed, the King of Pop is going to be plastinated and mounted next to his (now) plastic chimp in an exhibit in downtown London.

The mind boggles...

Via Violins and Starships

Posted by scott at 04:16 PM eMail this entry!
When Busybodies Attack

So how is an environmental activist to make sure an obvious hazard to the health and welfare of people and animals is safe? Pretty much the way you'd expect:

The city should conduct a thorough environmental review before letting thousands of people watch fireworks from the partially remediated toxic waste site that is Gas Works Park, an environmental activist says.

If this doesn't define, "having a slow news day over there, are ya?" I'm not sure what does.

Posted by scott at 06:37 AM eMail this entry!
June 29, 2009
!! I Had No Idea On This One!!

NSFW!

The Ultimate Guessing Game for men.

I couldn't hit the X on the browser fast enough.

Posted by Ellen at 09:40 PM eMail this entry!
Um... Ew?

Coming to a free download site near you: allegations have surfaced that there may be a John Edwards sex tape. Not the dude who talks to dead people, the dude who keeps trying to salvage his political career. Neither of whom I have any even vague curiosity to see naked. *SHUDDER*

Posted by scott at 11:40 AM eMail this entry!
June 28, 2009
Dropping Like Flies!

A very DED No-Prize to Ron!

Television "pitchman" Billy Mays — who built his fame by appearing on commercials and infomercials promoting household products and gadgets — died Sunday.

Mays, 50, was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Fla., home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Tampa Police Department.

Olivia and I always got a kick out of his infomercials.

Posted by Ellen at 01:16 PM eMail this entry!
Ok, that Can't be Good

Big buildings do lots of things well. Tipping over and splatting into the mud isn't one of them. With picture!

Posted by scott at 08:38 AM eMail this entry!
June 26, 2009
When Old People Attack

No, really, when old people attack:

A group of well-to-do pensioners who lost their savings in the credit crunch staged an arthritic revenge attack and held their terrified financial adviser to ransom, prosecutors said yesterday.

Alternate: "When getting them off your lawn just won't do."

Posted by scott at 06:36 AM eMail this entry!
June 25, 2009
56 Stars
Posted by Ellen at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
June 24, 2009
~ "Pop" Goes the Looney ~

There's nothing quite like radical lefties when it comes to doing stupid sh-t to their kids:

Pop’s parents, both 24, made a decision when their baby was born to keep Pop’s sex a secret. Aside from a select few – those who have changed the child’s diaper – nobody knows Pop’s gender; if anyone enquires, Pop’s parents simply say they don’t disclose this information.

Oh I know, I know, loopy righties do just as many evil things to their kids. Thing is, when that happens the feds usually show up outside the compound and start shooting dogs and setting houses on fire & stuff. In Europe they're just arrested.

These people get admiring quotes from academics. Woo-hoo!

Posted by scott at 03:51 PM eMail this entry!
Darwin's Half-Dozen

Ellen had a nasty habit of trying to make this work back when we lived in an apartment many years ago:

A teenage girl was discovered dead this weekend, electrocuted after dropping her laptop in the bathtub.

And it's important for Ron to remember that mudding can be dangerous. Dangerous to the dumb and panicky, that is:

Five people died after a pickup truck got stuck in a shallow pond and sat with the engine running for several minutes while the truck was submerged just above the tailpipe, West Texas authorities said Monday.

I have to think the latter was caused by a not-so-stock truck. Many modern vehicles actually clean the air of pollutants, and all of them emit so little poisonous gas it can take a very long time indeed to build up to toxic levels. A car without these devices, however, can kill very quickly indeed.

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
June 23, 2009
Gaming Armageddon

The UK government has released the most secret of all British cold war documents. Well, that's what the article says, anyway. Me, I think a detailed point-by-point plan for all events leading up to the full release of nuclear weapons is a big secret, even a really big one. But most secret of all?

Posted by scott at 11:37 AM eMail this entry!
June 22, 2009
The Final 5! Foot Contest!

You just cannot help not looking!

There are some messed up feet out there!

Posted by Ellen at 09:18 PM eMail this entry!
Cruella De Vill Lesbian Style!

That's one angry lesbian.

Posted by Ellen at 09:00 PM eMail this entry!
Dude. Wait, What?

Sometimes no explanation is needed:

The NASA moon bombing, a component of the LCROSS mission, may also trigger conflict with known extraterrestrial civilizations on the moon as reported on the moon in witnessed statements by U.S. astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and in witnessed statements to NSA (National Security Agency) photos and documents regarding an extraterrestrial base on the dark side of the moon.

Damned government demolition projects. Even on the moon they manage to screw up some historic settlement or another.

Posted by scott at 06:38 AM eMail this entry!
June 19, 2009
We Should All Have These Problems

Making the rounds: young actor chased into street by teenage girls, nearly run over by cab. OH NOES!!! That would've meant no more... ok. Rrmm. What's that dratted vampire thing Amber's so into again? Twilight, that's it. *ahem*

OH NOES!!! That would've meant no more twilight movies! This cannot be!

Posted by scott at 12:46 PM eMail this entry!
June 18, 2009
Ah Geeze, not This S--- Again
Posted by scott at 06:48 AM eMail this entry!
June 17, 2009
Deep Trouble

He said she knew 'exactly what she wanted'.

'The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit.

'They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotized her. What rubbish!

'She asked for 56 stars and that’s what she got.'

To remove the stars would require surgery costing £8,500.

I wouldn't get tattoo by that guy. Poor girl.

Posted by Ellen at 12:17 PM eMail this entry!
Due. Wait, what?
Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
June 16, 2009
Quirky Kind Of Message

The bottle is about 4 inches tall and 2 inches wide on either side with about 3 ounces of some kind of liquid surrounding the specimen, Gagan said.

It's not everyday you get a fetus in a jar wash up on shore!

Takes a whole new meaning on looking for sea shells.

Posted by Ellen at 07:48 PM eMail this entry!
Paging Tim Burton, White Courtesy Phone Please

Officials in China have arrested a father and his accomplices for digging up the corpse of a teenage girl to marry the corpse of his teenage son. And all this time you thought that movie was just fiction.

Posted by scott at 06:41 AM eMail this entry!
June 15, 2009
June 12, 2009
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Chastity Bono has an appointment to become Chaz Bono. As if that family weren't confusing enough.

Posted by scott at 06:34 AM eMail this entry!
June 11, 2009
Day-yum

Some days I think, "wouldn't it have been better to be a little more adventurous in my youth? You know, not such a wall flower?" And then I think, "No, not really."

Plastic surgery, there he goes!

Posted by scott at 03:16 PM eMail this entry!
Isn't She a Charmer?

Note to self: having tenure does not make you immune to mental illness. But it does mean you get to keep your job while you're annoying the s- out of the rest of the world. Remember, folks, mental illness is not the scary, misunderstood Jack Nicholson character trying to liberate an American Indian for the good of the country. It's Phil Specter in a wig shoving a gun in some hottie's mouth after ruining his seventh party in a row insisting the Jews really are behind it all. The former is fun an enlightening, the latter scares the s- out of you when it isn't making you claw your eyes out in frustration.

Posted by scott at 08:23 AM eMail this entry!
When Credulity Attacks
Posted by scott at 05:47 AM eMail this entry!
June 10, 2009
Turns Out it Doesn't Just Bore You to Death

"There's no underestimating baseball's versatile capacity for killing us." Sometimes growing up an unathletic nerd had its advantages.

Posted by scott at 07:12 AM eMail this entry!
June 09, 2009
Catch o' the Day

Somehow I don't see him hanging this one on the wall:

A commercial fisherman reeled in a live missile in the Gulf of Mexico and kept it on his boat for 10 days, authorities in Florida said.

Police said the boat's captain, Rodney Soloman, hooked the air-to-air guided missile 50 miles off the coast of Panama City. The Air Force and Navy use the area for weapons training.

Personally I think it'd make a nifty decoration, except for that whole potential to go all explody & stuff.

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
"True" Confessions

Ok, so, go read "confessions of an e-bay opium addict," and help me decide. Is this guy a) a tragic, youthful victim of post-modern angst, b) a coddled a-hole with a high Mach number and a (presumably long-ago spent) big trust fund, or c) a total fake? My first thought was b), but toward the end I started thinking maybe c). Regardless, he's a pretty good writer. I just wish he'd get a damned job.

Posted by scott at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
June 05, 2009
Well, Bugger.

All that trash they found in the Atlantic? Yeah, it's not the airliner. What I want to know is, doesn't anyone care they've found mysterious bits of ship wreckage in the middle of the Atlantic?

Posted by scott at 07:00 AM eMail this entry!
June 04, 2009
Puts a Whole New Spin on, "Buzz Kill"
Posted by scott at 07:03 AM eMail this entry!
June 03, 2009
When High Speed Hormones Attack

Sometimes a devil appears on my shoulder and says, "hey, these fancy European cars you have... they could always use a little more horsepower, right?" Then, suddenly, another devil that looks like Ellen* appears, slaps me, and says, "What's the matter with you?!? don't you know you're not the only one who'll be driving it?"

Owners of boys may point and laugh at what I'll be going through in 7 more years, but at least mine's astronomically less likely to pull a stunt like this. The trick, I suppose, is making sure she's not dumb enough to ride around with a boy who's dumb enough to do this. Ah, the joys of parenting...

With video!

----
* What? I wanted to say "angel", but that would've made at least three people I know pass out from laughter.

Posted by scott at 07:14 AM eMail this entry!
May 31, 2009
No Scott...No.

Sorry Scott...*hands over a razor*. Off.

Posted by Ellen at 07:25 PM eMail this entry!
May 27, 2009
And the Winkie Goes, "Bang Bang Bang"

Dang, man, just dang:

A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports.

It's in the newspaper, so it's got to be true!

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
May 26, 2009
Too Sad...

The girl was found by her 7-year-old brother on a treadmill in the Phoenix home Monday. She had been strangled by a cord connected to the machine, said Sgt. Andy Hill of the Phoenix Police Department.

"We believe the child was on the treadmill but it was not running at the time. She might have been playing like it was," Hill said.

This is why you don't let a 4 year old out of your sight.
Posted by Ellen at 10:11 PM eMail this entry!
Buh Bye North Korea. You're asking for it!

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea defied world powers and carried out an underground test Monday of a nuclear bomb Russian officials said was comparable to those that obliterated Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The incident drew condemnation from Washington to Beijing and set the communist regime up for a showdown with the United Nations.

Time to take that country down.

Posted by Ellen at 10:07 PM eMail this entry!
May 25, 2009
Kinda Harsh, Don't Ya Thinnk?

Oh, come on. You know you've thought about doing this:

A passerby pushed a would-be suicide jumper off a bridge in southern China because he was angry at the jumper's "selfish activity," Chinese media reported Saturday.

Of course, thinking isn't the same as doing.

Posted by scott at 09:21 AM eMail this entry!
May 22, 2009
Well, That's Nice to Hear

Looks like Hajji the Mighty Pirate may be picking up some new toys for the next season. According to the comments, manpad SAMs may not be all that much of a threat. Which is fine to say sitting behind a computer far away from the action. To a pilot who sees one whooshing his way, maybe not so much.

Posted by scott at 08:50 AM eMail this entry!
YIKES!

Wow....ouch.

Makes you look in the mirror and be thankful for what you have.

Posted by Ellen at 07:15 AM eMail this entry!
May 21, 2009
First Rednecks, Now Ter'rists!!!

All those times I called the area where my in-laws lived "quiet" and "boring"? I take them back:

Four men due in court Thursday to face charges of plotting to bomb Jewish sites and shoot down military planes were arrested after planting what they thought were explosive devices near a synagogue and community center, authorities say.

Officials told The Associated Press the arrests came after a nearly yearlong undercover operation that began in Newburgh, N.Y., about 70 miles north of New York City.

Still not gonna move there. :P :)

Posted by scott at 10:29 AM eMail this entry!
May 20, 2009
Paging Dave Matthews, White Courtesy Phone Please

Shades of that scene from Little House on the Prairie:

A destructive menace is heading west on I.H. 10 with San Antonio in its sites. It's the crazy Raspberry ant that was first spotted in Houston in 2002. No one knows where it came from or how to control it but it reproduces faster than any insect experts have ever seen.
...
Raspberry tells this story of a woman who called his office two weeks ago.

"While the lady was talking to us she was telling to her 2 year old honey it's ok they won't bite you, They were crawling over over her baby, " he said.

Texas... it's like a whole other country planet!

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
May 18, 2009
I Guess that Pretty Much Answers the Question

Problem: Doping official shows up to your bodybuilding contest.

Solution: Run like hell:

The Belgian bodybuilding championship has been canceled after doping officials showed up and all the competitors fled.

A doping official says bodybuilders just grabbed their gear and ran off when he came into the room.

Ha-ha!

Posted by scott at 02:58 PM eMail this entry!
May 15, 2009
Well, That's Helpful

This can't be right. It' doesn't have "bad makeup", "dramatic sighs at jailbait", or "form ridiculous love triangle with jailbait and weirdo reservation escapee." Don't even get me started on the wacky baseball skills...

Posted by scott at 02:19 PM eMail this entry!
May 14, 2009
My Wife, Let Me Show You Her...

This is why, when Ellen takes her dream storm-chaser vacation, she's doing it on her own. To paraphrase, "what good's a life insurance policy if you're not around to use it?"

Posted by scott at 07:42 PM eMail this entry!
Do What?!?

The crack reporters who filed this story are accepting the local sheriff's department conclusion that the woman suffered "an accidental death due to inappropriate use of a jackhammer*." Me, I think if this had come out of Asia they would've called it what it seems to be from here... a particularly bizarre and spectacular suicide. But hey, that's just my opinion, wtf do I know?

---
* Read the article, or do the math.

Posted by scott at 10:16 AM eMail this entry!
May 13, 2009
What a Keeper

Sometimes the pedophile is a person you'd never suspect. Other times, well, not so much. Why, yes, I do think the reverse can also be true. Stop mumbling "pot, kettle, black" under your breath! I can hear you!*

----
* It's a complicated joke. Think about it, then laugh.

Posted by scott at 01:06 PM eMail this entry!
~ Everybody Wang Phone Tonight ~

Say what you will about progressives... they still retain the power to surprise:

Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez has just done what no other cellphone company in the world would dare do. Chavez has launched the first ever “penis” phone.

This one's just too weird to be true, but there's a picture!

Posted by scott at 09:47 AM eMail this entry!
May 12, 2009
Of Course You Know We Must Link This Up

Nothing like giving birth to your identical twin brother 30 years after he died in the womb to ruin your day. Now that's going to be one helluva bar bet he'll be able to win from now on.

Posted by scott at 10:47 AM eMail this entry!
May 11, 2009
~ The Statues are Falling Down On Us / Hurrah, Hurrah ~

One of the largest free-standing sculptures in the world is set to become one of the largest collapsed statues in the world. What was that? Something the Soviets built as a grand monument is getting ready to collapse, and they can't fix it because people keep stealing the money? Say it ain't so!

Posted by scott at 10:54 AM eMail this entry!
May 10, 2009
When Crochet Work Attacks

Every time I think I've seen furries at their weirdest, I'm proven wrong. I dunno, I guess hot, itchy sex is better than no sex at all.

Posted by scott at 05:06 PM eMail this entry!
May 09, 2009
Oh. My. God...

Thing is, humanity's spent 90% of its existence living with these things living inside them. Those smelly leftist hippies who think the only thing wrong with us is that we're too modern? Yeah, let's stick 'em on a boat to Worm Island, see how much they like it.

Nature is only fun if there's a hot shower and a cold beer at the end of it.

Posted by scott at 04:03 PM eMail this entry!
May 08, 2009
And the Dentist's Office Goes, "Kaboom!"

Nothing like your workplace going up in a fireball to ruin your whole day. Fortunately nobody was injured. Ron gets a no-prize with a funny, dangerous smell for bringing us something that happened in one of his former back yards.

Posted by scott at 03:00 PM eMail this entry!
May 06, 2009
Dude, it's Yours

Today's "Yet Another Reason Not to Move to Australia" filing comes courtesy Queensland, Australia:

Australia is known around the world for its large and deadly creepy crawlies, but even locals have been shocked by the size of the giant venomous spiders that have invaded an Outback town in Queensland.

With "six cm of creepy goodness" picture!

Posted by scott at 05:38 PM eMail this entry!
May 05, 2009
Um... Ouch?

Hopefully there warn't anyone inside it when the rock hit the windshield. Meh. It'll buff out.

And yes that is... well, was... a Milano.

Posted by scott at 08:11 PM eMail this entry!
When Impressionists Attack

No, really, when impressionists attack:

Vincent van Gogh did not cut off his own ear but lost it in a fight with fellow artist Paul Gauguin in a row outside a brothel, it has been claimed.

Mark gets a no-prize that'll get all stabby if he gets it drunk for bringing us yet another "conventional wisdom ain't so conventional after all" story.

Posted by scott at 06:16 PM eMail this entry!
Hey, it's in the Paper, it has to be True!
Posted by scott at 11:31 AM eMail this entry!
Can I Get An Ouch!? Or A Hooray!

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

What a more perfect way to get caught cheating

May 04, 2009
Say it Ain't So!!!

Making the rounds: Main stream media outlet "suddenly" discovers that getting rid of unionized teachers is hard. I guess the NEA must've missed a payment to the LA Times' "widows and orphans" fund.

Remind me again, why vouchers are a bad idea?

Posted by scott at 05:54 PM eMail this entry!
April 30, 2009
And So it Begins

It would appear 2007 would be the year Skynet woke up:

The incident took place in June 2007 at a factory in Bålsta, north of Stockholm, when the industrial worker was trying to carry out maintenance on a defective machine generally used to lift heavy rocks. Thinking he had cut off the power supply, the man approached the robot with no sense of trepidation.

But the robot suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim's head.

Mynd you, røbøt bites Kan be pretty nasti

Posted by scott at 12:24 PM eMail this entry!
April 29, 2009
When College Kids Attack

Want to see what happens when nerdy types with too much time, talent, and their parent's cash get out of hand? Take a look. I've never understood why many men (and a few women) seem to think it's funny to make other people's lives annoying just for the sake of it. Life is just too damned difficult as it is to have some incompetent boob making it worse just for the fun of it. I guess I'm just too much of a wimp to "get it."

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
Very Helpful People, the Dutch

So, are the signs a warning, or an advertisement? One of the things Europeans often use to knock Americans is how hung up we are about sex. What they do not realize is that in a society as diverse as ours is being conservative about this particular human behavior is just about the only way to ensure the cab driver from Somalia doesn't rape the waitress from Amsterdam because he thought she "was asking for it." Even then, it doesn't work very well, but the alternative can only exist inside comparative monocultures like those found in Europe and Asia.

Yes, yes, I know, you're quite diverse full of immigrants look how well everyone gets along yadda yadda yadda. If that were really so, there's a whole line of questions I'd like to ask about things like riots, the rise of conservative anti-immigration parties, taffy-stretch twangs of various sub-cultures trying to pull away and make their own countries, etc.

It's easy to pick on America, because we put our problems out there for everyone to see. The reason we don't pick back is it takes quite a bit of digging to figure out just what's wrong on the other side. The thing is, the problems are still there, and harder to solve for the hiding.

Posted by scott at 09:11 AM eMail this entry!
April 27, 2009
When Bad Grounds Attack

It's like it's 1983 all over again:

On a rainy night last fall, a couple of months after Riner bought her Prius, she was driving toward the Houston Galleria for a sales meeting ... Suddenly she felt the car hydroplaning out of control, and when she glanced at the speedometer she realized the car had shot up to 84 mph. Riner wasn't hydroplaning; quite simply, her Prius had accelerated on its own.

Back then, Audi tried everything it could to reproduce the "sudden acceleration syndrome," but couldn't. What the Germans never really understood was the problem had very little to do with their cars and everything to do with American politics and media perceptions. Audi people who talk to car journalists seem bitter about it to this day.

Will this "new" Prius behavior have the same root causes* as the Audi phenomenon more than twenty five years ago? Almost certainly. Will the results to Toyota's reputation be a severe as they were for Audi? Hard to tell. The Japanese have always been more agile when it comes to PR, and they do have the lesson of Audi before them.

We'll see...

----
*to wit: alcohol, inattentive drivers, and extremely attentive lawyers.

Posted by scott at 11:53 AM eMail this entry!
April 24, 2009
Nailed Him

What is it with Asians and spectacularly weird murders? Combine them with the Eastern European predilection of cutting off one's wang for various reasons and hey, you've got a real party!

Posted by scott at 12:46 PM eMail this entry!
Mah Hoax, Let Me Show You It...

Mah hoax:

A mysterious figure resembling a human being was sighted on the Doha Corniche’s parking lot, according to a report published in a local Arabic daily.

With picture! Hey, it's in the paper, it's gotta be true! An Arabic paper, even better!

Posted by scott at 10:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 23, 2009
Start 'em Out Right

Bank: 1, Pregnant Chick: 0. Money quote:

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

This is also why Ellen *or* Amber would make for lousy bank robbers, but both together might be dangerous. As long as Ellen lied to Amber about the meet time by about half an hour, that is.

Posted by scott at 01:00 PM eMail this entry!
April 22, 2009
When Bees Attack

No, really, when bees attack! Ron gets a no-prize that'll have to be taken to the Superdome and cooled to near-freezing before it's safe* for bringing us this abject lesson in why convertible and Jeep owners should button their @#$%'ing cars up after parking them. And I thought that dime-sized spider was bad...

-----
* Yeh, reference, go look it up.

Posted by scott at 09:17 AM eMail this entry!
April 16, 2009
Oh Gosh!

Sometimes things need no further explanation: "There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling."

Remember, folks, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast!

Posted by scott at 11:42 AM eMail this entry!
April 15, 2009
Fightin' Words

The thing is, I have yet to meet anyone who wants to give government benefits to illegal immigrants. Yet any time someone voices their opposition out loud all hell seems to break loose.

I have a somewhat warped, and obviously minority, view. I believe it's completely outrageous an illegal immigrant can have access to any government service. Well, apart from certain transportation services provided by the INS at any rate. However, I also believe it should be made easier for people to become citizens of the US.

The reasoning behind my views are detailed and various, and too long to go into at the moment. Unless someone starts waving beer at me, that is. Anyone buying?

Posted by scott at 11:41 AM eMail this entry!
Don't that Just Say it All?

Rumor: Bits in old Singer sewing machines can be used to build a nuke.

Result: a run on sewing machines in Saudi Arabia.

The mind boggles...

Posted by scott at 08:28 AM eMail this entry!
April 14, 2009
Now I've Seen Everything

See? See what happens when you ban candy cigarettes?!?

Children will imitate what they see others doing, on TV or in person. It only takes one careless parent with a crack pipe (as if there were any other type with a crack pipe) to start a whole stupid trend.

Posted by scott at 01:40 PM eMail this entry!
Gotta Get a Date Somehow

I'm not at all certain Conjugal Harmony is for-real, but it makes for an interesting idea. The profiles on the front page just look too good to be true.

Posted by scott at 08:52 AM eMail this entry!
April 13, 2009
House of Blues

There's colorful houses, and then there's colorful houses. It's said the English value eccentricity above all other human habits. Sometimes I have to wonder if it's a case of being careful what one wishes for.

Posted by scott at 11:43 AM eMail this entry!
April 08, 2009
Dude... Wtf?!?

"F- you, mom, and f- dad and f- your f-ing cats! Now let's go to the gun range.

The video is not as splatterific as others I've seen of this type, but it's still pretty graphic. Very, very sad.

Posted by scott at 01:01 PM eMail this entry!
April 07, 2009
Always Nice to Have a Spare

Sometimes you can't improve on the headline: child born with second penis in the middle of his back. With non-gross but very strange picture.

Fortunately, after removing the extra organ the child appears to be doing fine.

Posted by scott at 10:53 AM eMail this entry!
I Guess Everyone Needs a Hobby

Ron gets a no-prize that just better stay on that side of the room for bringing us Furries for Christ. No, really!

I make absolutely no promises about how SFW it is. I clicked a few things, and didn't find anything that'd get ME in trouble.

Posted by scott at 09:14 AM eMail this entry!
April 06, 2009
Three Hour Tour? Do NOT Want!

Sophie Tucker, apparently named after a late US entertainer, fell overboard as Jan Griffith and her family sailed through choppy waters off the northeast Queensland coast in November.

The dog was believed to have drowned and Griffith said the family was devastated.

But out of sight of the family, Sophie Tucker was swimming doggedly and finally made it to St Bees Island, five nautical miles away, and began the sort of life popularised by the TV reality show "Survivor."

Read entire sappy story.

Three hour tour tickets to Nina!

Posted by Ellen at 09:02 PM eMail this entry!
What a Fabulous Idea

Having solved all other... check that, having proved to be incapable of solving most problems, the California legislature has decided an effective way to reduce carbon emissions is to ban black cars. As long as they send the Ferraris my way, I'm all for it!

Posted by scott at 01:51 PM eMail this entry!
Breeding Lap Sharks. Minature Lap Sharks

The miniscule chihuahua-Jack Russell cross - appropriately named Tom Thumb by its owners - is a serious contender for the title of being the smallest dog on the planet.

Little Tom was born just three weeks ago as part of a surprise litter to mum Spice, a chihuahua.

Just spay the dog.

Posted by Ellen at 07:20 AM eMail this entry!
April 03, 2009
Mother f-ing Ouch!

Alternate title... when rednecks attack EACH OTHER. I love how he lights a cigarette at the end.

How to avoid a Darwin award, step 1: never, ever, ever let anyone point a loaded pistol at you.

Posted by scott at 10:46 AM eMail this entry!
April 02, 2009
How Very German

In America, we have children's TV hosts who talk in calm voices about how farmers do their job. In Germany, the host shows you exactly how it is done:

A children's TV chef looks to have gone a little too far after killing, skinning and cooking the Easter bunny.

Different cultures, different ways. I'll bet she's from Bavaria or some other... "rustic" ... area of the country.

Posted by scott at 10:36 AM eMail this entry!
March 30, 2009
PETA of Doom

Looks like PETA is much more interested in publicity than it is in actually caring for animals. Placing seven pets out of 2200 is pretty pathetic. It probably represents animals taken home by employees, not any real effort at getting homeless animals new owners.

Posted by scott at 08:52 AM eMail this entry!
March 26, 2009
A Different Sort of Spelunking

Fans of the macabre or of places off-limits should find this "unauthorized" exploration of the catacombs of Paris of interest. Considering how big and how old they are, I'd be surprised if the authorities were actually able to completely restrict access.

Posted by scott at 01:14 PM eMail this entry!
Welcome to My Nightmare

Being a more "technically aware" sort of family, I hope we're able to avoid things like this in the future:

The FBI Arrested 40 year-old Robert Lavern Davison and brought him to Utah to go before a judge this week. Police say he used the internet to lure a 13 year-old girl from Centerville, Utah to California.

And just wait 'till you see the pictures.

Posted by scott at 10:43 AM eMail this entry!
March 25, 2009
Free? And I Can Fire Free?

Why would she fire the nurse-nannies that were charitably provided for her by the nonprofit Angels in Waiting?
She just gets stranger by the day.
Posted by Ellen at 07:15 AM eMail this entry!
March 24, 2009
Now That's Just Tacky

Nothing like a couple of gung-ho nutjobs to ruin the reputation of a whole group:

Israel's military condemned soldiers for wearing T-shirts of a pregnant woman in a rifle's cross-hairs with the slogan "1 Shot 2 Kills," and another of a gun-toting child with the words, "The smaller they are, the harder it is."

Look, liberals don't need an excuse to flip out. Doing something like this is like pouring rocket fuel on a particularly loony fire.

Posted by scott at 10:15 AM eMail this entry!
March 20, 2009
I Got Yer Organic Food, Right Here
Posted by scott at 06:43 AM eMail this entry!
March 17, 2009
What a Charmer

Abject lesson in why there's no such thing as a concourse-winning street car:

The Milano and the Cruiser would likely be fine. Well, the Cruiser would be, parts for it are obviously quite common. The Milano... well, fixable. I wouldn't put money on that driver's chances if Ellen ever caught up with him. Let's just say she's not "as forgiving as the Emperor."

The Spider would be a bashed-up little ball, its "unobtanium" stainless-steel bumpers smashed beyond recognition. Which is why I don't parallel park it. Outer-Mongolia parking spot, FTW!

Posted by scott at 02:57 PM eMail this entry!
Nice to Know it's not Just the United States

In the "taxpayer outrage" category we have a whole UK family on their equivalent of disability who claim they're too fat to work and the payments don't cover their bills. The sense of entitlement and just outright balls of the people are impressive. Will that be what the US turns into after 12 years of liberal rule? Let's hope we don't have to find out.

Posted by scott at 02:12 PM eMail this entry!
I'm Sure He's Magically Something
Posted by scott at 09:58 AM eMail this entry!
March 16, 2009
Now Hang on a Minute!!!

But... but... now that Obama is in charge this sort of thing is supposed to stop! Oh, I remember... "the outgoing Bush administration so screwed up the world that it will take years for Obama to undo all the damage. If ever." Nice careful phrasing there, Lou. Otherwise people might think you're trying to blame everything bad on Bush, and credit everything good to Obama, forever.

Oh... wait...

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
March 13, 2009
Glad We Missed It

Olivia and I had to go around this today. I complained about the hassle the entire orange -> yellow -> blue -> orange detour we had to take to get home, but that was before I learned some dude used a metro car to cure his headache. That just couldn't have been very pretty.

Posted by scott at 05:08 PM eMail this entry!
Nice to Know it Doesn't Just Happen to Men

All of those who think men are the only ones who do dumb things with their privates are pleased to be sitting down and shutting up now. I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever seen "sex toy" and "saber saw" used in the same story.

Yeah, I bet that's gonna leave a mark.

Posted by scott at 08:17 AM eMail this entry!
Bad Horse! No Biscuit!

Lisa R. gets a no-prize that'll make everyone cringe for bringing us a story about a man, his junk, and an angry horse. And by "junk", I'm not talking about the type you take to Fred Sanford. Ptooey!!!

Posted by scott at 07:08 AM eMail this entry!
March 10, 2009
At Least Japanese Peeing in Public is Amusing

India has a problem. A poo problem. And no, it's not cow or elephant poo:

Until May 2007, Meera Devi rose before dawn each day and walked a half mile to a vegetable patch outside the village of Kachpura to find a secluded place.

Dodging leering men and stick-wielding farmers and avoiding spots that her neighbors had soiled, the mother of three pulled up her sari and defecated with the Taj Mahal in plain view.

Yeah, I think "yuck" is a good word here.

Posted by scott at 11:34 AM eMail this entry!
March 09, 2009
When Kangaroos Attack

No, really, when kangaroos attack:

Not a bird, or a plane, but a kangaroo has crashed through the bedroom window of a Canberra family's home before terrorising its unsuspecting occupants.

Lisa R. gets a no-prize with boxing gloves on for bringing us even more proof that no matter how cute they are, Australia's native denizens are out to get you.

Posted by scott at 10:17 AM eMail this entry!
Creepy, Yet COOL!

Her husband, a Briton, travels to Lexington every year for the Patriots Day reenactment and has a keen interest in the Revolutionary War. But with three small children who play in the backyard, she's not certain she even wants to know if there are bodies buried somewhere beneath.

And if radar were to discover something, archeologists and historians might come begging to dig down and find out for sure.

"We're not going to have the garden torn up," Ringrose said. "We live out there. That's one of the most peaceful things about this home."

Goldstein and Anderson would welcome an archeological dig at the site, but recognize that homeowners such as Ringrose would have to consent.

My garden grows so well!>
Posted by Ellen at 07:11 AM eMail this entry!
March 08, 2009
I Need A Brick

At the time the woman died, many people believed that the plague was spread by "vampires" which, rather than drinking people's blood, spread disease by chewing on their shrouds after dying. Grave-diggers put bricks in the mouths of suspected vampires to stop them doing this, Borrini says.

With Picture!

Posted by Ellen at 08:53 PM eMail this entry!
March 06, 2009
A Completely Different Take on, "Comfortable Shoes"

Lord, bless this, thy Internet, without which we perhaps would never have known about the doctor who turned a train robber into a set of comfy shoes. Nope, not his horse, him. Bonus: the doctor requested the nipples be left on.

Posted by scott at 03:46 PM eMail this entry!
March 04, 2009
Nice Knowin' Ya...

Rescuers have called off the search for the two NFL players missing off the coast of Florida. I guess that proves definitively there are worse things than playing for the Lions, eh?

Posted by scott at 09:10 AM eMail this entry!
March 03, 2009
Taking that Whole "Internal Disinfectant" Joke Way Too Literally

I dunno, I guess I should've seen it coming: hospital removes hand sanitizer to keep patients and visitors from drinking it. I bet it's got a real smooth finish.

Posted by scott at 12:03 PM eMail this entry!
March 01, 2009
Hasn't This Guy Heard of Dating?

But if Douglas is to be believed, he could have had sex with as many as "over a hundred" bodies in the 16 years he worked as night attendant at the Hamilton County morgue

"I am sure there are more (victims). I'm certain of it," Deters said Thursday in announcing new indictments against Douglas.

"This guy's just a pig. I can't explain why someone would do something like this.

... This is off-the-charts weird."

I guess there is an upside of not having to commit to a relationship.
Posted by Ellen at 06:11 PM eMail this entry!
Oh No You Didn't!

Sure, kick your shoe at a cop and see if they all react like this.

Posted by Ellen at 06:03 PM eMail this entry!
Body Farm missing skulls, UT spokesman says

"We discovered the breach today," Mayfield said. "It is not complete skeletons (missing). That's a definite. It's too early to say whether it's just skulls."

The acre of property off Alcoa Highway serves as home to 197 corpses in various stages of decay used by forensic anthropologists to study human decomposition.

Talk about a souvenier!

Posted by Ellen at 08:25 AM eMail this entry!
WTF?

I hope this guy gets some sort of severe rectal problems due to this.

Who does this to a puppy?

Posted by Ellen at 08:19 AM eMail this entry!
February 27, 2009
Wait... You Mean We Can Trade Them?!?

No way... two kids and $175 for a cockatoo? Highway robbery, that is!

Now, if they're talking about that 164Q4 we linked up a few days ago... well, I don't have two kids, but I do have one, a parrot, three incontinent cats, and a high-maintenance belly dancer. Will that do?

No?

Philistines...

Mark gets a no-prize that wants a cracker for bringing us yet another case of people turning to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

And they weren't even her kids!

More is here...

Posted by scott at 08:31 AM eMail this entry!
February 26, 2009
SpOOOOky!

The Tunstall pub called the Ancient Briton, now a derelict site after it was targeted by arsonists, was thought to be HAUNTED.

Mr Bundy, who has hung on to the footage for three years, said: "One previous landlord told a local his young son used to talk to 'another little boy'.

"And one tenant's child spoke of a COWBOY who used to pick-up his socks."

Remind me to visit that pub.

Posted by Ellen at 09:27 PM eMail this entry!
February 25, 2009
Whut?

Every time I think the Japanese just can't get any weirder I'm proven so very wrong. It's my understanding that other Asian cultures hold Japan up as an example of what's wrong with Asian cultures. Sometimes I think they have a point.

Posted by scott at 09:45 AM eMail this entry!
February 24, 2009
Chicken Little and the Stock Market

Observation: The stock market's recent decline has equaled that of the Great Depression.

Conclusion: Stocks will never, ever be profitable again.

Is it just me, or does the MSM sometimes act very much like a small child after they've banged their knee? Since it's hurting now, that must mean it will hurt for ever and ever, so we must howl and cry until mommy or daddy rescues us.

Or, at the very least, vote Democrat.

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
February 22, 2009
Crosswalk of Death!!!

It's one thing to be told India has one of the worst rates of pedestrian vs. vehicle accidents in the world. It's quite another to get a first-person view as to why. Pedestrian bridge? What's that?

Posted by scott at 08:54 AM eMail this entry!
February 21, 2009
Insert PITA Joke Here

Sometimes the headline just can't be beat: chair kills boy by anal penetration. No, really!

Right side bar contains R-rated NSFW pictures. Since it's Saturday, it's all good.

Posted by scott at 07:56 AM eMail this entry!
February 20, 2009
Moobs...They Happen
Posted by Ellen at 09:30 PM eMail this entry!
Extinct... In Mah Bellay!

Alternate headline: rare bird becomes rare lunch. Hey, ya gotta eat something!

Posted by scott at 12:28 PM eMail this entry!
February 19, 2009
... Which is Why We Should Shoot Them

It seems playing by lawful rules makes putting pirates away a real PITA. If ever there was a case for the tactical employment of the "shot while trying to escape" rule, I think this is it. Unfortunately, in today's all-volunteer Navy, it would be inevitable that some bright-eyed teen swabbie with a razor-sharp sense of morality would blab about it, and I can't think of a captain who'd risk his career just to lob a few hajjis over the side. Can't say I'd blame him. Or her.

Posted by scott at 04:17 PM eMail this entry!
Octomom Losing House
Posted by Ellen at 07:22 AM eMail this entry!
February 17, 2009
Everyone's Gotta Have a Hobby

Today's "makes everyone get the skeevy-jeevies" article is brought to you by Uttar Prudesh, India:

It's important to have a goal in life. Indian grocer Radhakant Baijpai certainly has one - to make sure that he has the longest ear hair in the world.

With picture, of course.

Posted by scott at 01:21 PM eMail this entry!
February 16, 2009
When Candy Attacks

Ok, I guess I'm now officially old, because not only do I not see the point in Skittle-ifying vodka, I'm actually vaguely offended by the attempt. However, I do actually remember a time when I and my (college-aged) friends would've thought this was cool. It was a long time ago.

The reaction of vodka aficionado Joshua will probably provide an equally useful barometer of his actual age.

Posted by scott at 03:29 PM eMail this entry!
February 15, 2009
A Mascot, for... well... Somebody

Leave it to San Francisco to turn a winkie into a mascot. Yeah, that'll be a wonderful addition to my daughter's stuffed animal collection. Not.

Posted by scott at 02:50 PM eMail this entry!
February 13, 2009
The More You Know...

WARNING: Inserting an air pistol into someone's rectum and pulling the trigger could lead to severe injury. See? Bill Engvall's been right all these years...

And what is it with Germans and buttplay? I don't think I could ever be bored enough to think jamming a gun into a friend's backside would be a fun game. W... T... F... ?!?

Posted by scott at 12:56 PM eMail this entry!
~ Too Much, the Deadly Bus ~

You know it's a bad sign when the bus's destination sign reads, "afterlife":

Jinguan Auto, a popular Chinese ambulance manufacturer, has developed a rolling execution studio. Convicts are strapped to a power sliding stretcher that extends out of the rear of the bus as it's allegedly "too brutal" to haul people on board for their final cocktail. The executions are broadcast to local law enforcement authorities to make sure they are conducted up to code.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Posted by scott at 08:42 AM eMail this entry!
February 11, 2009
Your Tax Dollars At Work

LOS ANGELES - A big share of the financial burden of raising Nadya Suleman’s 14 children could fall on the shoulders of California’s taxpayers, compounding the public furor in a state already billions of dollars in the red.

Even before the 33-year-old single, unemployed mother gave birth to octuplets last month, she had been caring for her six other children with the help of $490 a month in food stamps, plus Social Security disability payments for three of the youngsters. The public aid will almost certainly be increased with the new additions to her family.

“It’s my opinion that a woman’s right to reproduce should be limited to a number which the parents can pay for,” Charles Murray wrote in a letter to the Los Angeles Daily News. “Why should my wife and I, as taxpayers, pay child support for 14 Suleman kids?”

I wonder what kind of stimulus check she is getting from Obama.

Posted by Ellen at 09:21 PM eMail this entry!
Told You Cats were No Good

Even asleep, the f'ers are dangerous. I've always maintained that if a house cat weighed 200 lbs nobody would keep one. If tigers only weighed 6, well, you get the picture...

Posted by scott at 07:49 PM eMail this entry!
Having Solved All Other Problems...

... an official in some part of the government in the UK (it's not clear to me which) is thinking about criminalizing more forms of sexual behavior between consenting teens. Those opposed are quoted grousing against the influence of Christian groups. The unspoken camel in the room is that if it were Muslim groups doing the lobbying the law would've been passed without debate years ago. Like all good liberals and progressives, they'd much rather throw paint at old ladies than at Hell's Angels.

Posted by scott at 09:06 AM eMail this entry!
February 10, 2009
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid

No, really, it wouldn't surprise me if this kid lost an eye. The "I'm an idiot and I scream like a girl" bit at the end is just frosting on a particularly stupid cake.

Just after I graduated college, say, about 1992, a local high school gym teacher was arrested for manslaughter after a similar but far deadlier stunt during an after-game party. Instead of paintballs and a soda can, it was a .22 pistol and (surprise surprise) a beer can. Unfortunately the teacher aimed a little low at the student. Darwin, as expected, was right on target.

Posted by scott at 02:55 PM eMail this entry!
The Sound of One Career Ending

Another year, another zillion-dollar Navy warship foundering on the rocks. If only there were devices which would warn a crew when they were approaching shallow water...

Posted by scott at 12:07 PM eMail this entry!
February 09, 2009
Our Tax Dollars at Work

My mom probably predicted this six weeks ago: that chick with the 14 babies? Yeah, she's been on disability for about ten years now. Qualifying for Social Security disability payments is the holy grail for the US disabled. It's an absolute b*tch to get there, but once there you're set, as they don't have the time or money to re-certify your status frequently. Or at all.

And yes, I realize it's not enough money to get rich on. It's the principle of the thing, dammit.

Posted by scott at 09:18 AM eMail this entry!
February 06, 2009
Ouch... Damn...

Cow + Lightning = well, this. Cow's Ok. Well, sorta. Look, I like rare steak, but this is taking that "make sure it's mooing" thing way too far.

Posted by scott at 08:47 AM eMail this entry!
February 05, 2009
I Think You're Gonna Need That

Ok, whacking off one's wang and then flushing it down the toilet, to me at any rate, constitutes something much stronger than "an accident." That's sort of like saying a NASCAR pile-up at turn 4 at Daytona is "a fender bender."

No, that's doesn't even approach it. I'm not sure any analogy could.

Posted by scott at 12:58 PM eMail this entry!
Nukes Are Hard

Ron gets a no-prize he just better not shake too hard for bringing us news that the Boys in Blue have f'd up another set of nuclear security inspections. Is it because they're f-ups, or is it because the inspections are hard and meant to be failed the first few times? I'd like to think the latter, but I'm not all that optimistic.

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
February 04, 2009
Who Pays for These Things?

A 16 year-old German... person? ... has become the youngest person known to have undergone sex reassignment surgery. Born Tim, Kim is now looking forward to, well, certainly a different sort of life. Ellen and I have seen a few documentaries about people who undergo this surgery, and from that information we've discovered the result is very far indeed from the surgeon waving a magic scalpel and then ting!!! what was once a 100% male body is now a 100% female body in both form and functions.

"Shunts" are neither romantic nor particularly attractive, and just because it sorta looks like a vagina doesn't make it one. I just hope no German tax dollars were spent on this. Knowing the reputation of the EU social safety net, I'm not keeping my hopes up.

Posted by scott at 01:22 PM eMail this entry!
February 03, 2009
Psycho Doggie

Former French president Jacques Chirac was recently hospitalized after being attacked by his dog. Which sounds, you know, scary and stuff, until you get to the part where they explain Mr. Chirac's dog is one of those little ankle-biter breeds people insist on keeping for some damned reason. Me, I simply wouldn't put up with such behavior. However, the entire in-law side of my family, both sides of it, as far back as the eye can see, has put up with them for as long as anyone can remember. I therefore have to sit on Ellen any time one of these little acid-drooling demon hellspawn comes across her radar screen.

Otherwise I would be able to provide all local friends and house guests with (noisy and annoying) proof positive that there is in fact something much worse than a house full of incontinent, food-puking, litterbox-optional cats.

Posted by scott at 12:38 PM eMail this entry!
January 31, 2009
Say it Ain't So!!!

ZOMG!!1! Did you know if your kid signs up for JROTC, they'll teach them about guns?!? Can't have that, no it just won't do. Could lead to dancing!

Posted by scott at 10:02 AM eMail this entry!
January 30, 2009
Yippee Kay Yay, M-F'er

Remember, folks... guns don't shoot people, idiots do:

A 21-year-old Marshfield man who accidentally shot his roommate told police he was spinning the gun on his finger like they did in the "Old West" when it fired, Marshfield Police Chief Joe Stroik said.

Gun safety is apparently something that happens to other people.

Posted by scott at 11:51 AM eMail this entry!
January 29, 2009
Now That's a Party

I think we'd all agree wearing a gas mask, wet suit, and galoshes is no way to go through life, so he didn't:

A security guard accidentally suffocated himself in an autoerotic accident, an inquest heard.

Ralph Santiago, 31, was found dead in the men’s toilets of the building he worked wearing Wellington boots, a wetsuit and gas mask.

I always knew security guards usually had really dull jobs. I just didn't understand the lengths some of them would go to for entertainment.

Posted by scott at 09:00 AM eMail this entry!
January 28, 2009
That's What He Said... Then He Fell on His Head

And unlike the Cat in the Hat, it killed him stone dead:

A performer with an aerial acrobatic troupe fell headfirst to his death Tuesday during a show in front of hundreds of people in Scottsdale.

Video coming soon to a liveleak session near you!

Posted by scott at 05:36 PM eMail this entry!
January 27, 2009
Kid? What Kid?

Well, at least she was entertained:

Harford County authorities continued to investigate Monday after a 4-year-old girl was found alone Sunday evening at a restaurant. Police said her mother and aunt realized she was missing while watching a Monday morning newscast.

We go to Chuck-e's every few months or so. Amazingly, the places around us all stay open until 11 pm and seem pretty crowded as late as 9. I'm not completely surprised a kid could wander around for hours and not be noticed by the staff. Unfortunately, I'm also not completely surprised some low-rent parents and relatives would not notice until hours after the fact.

And now they've ruined it for the rest of us!

Posted by scott at 08:40 AM eMail this entry!
January 26, 2009
Ok, That's an Ouchie

I've heard the advice, "don't f- with wild animals" before. I've paid close attention to it, and it has stood me well. Looks like someone didn't hear the "with" part in the sentence. And, of course, the "don't" part. Just when I think people can't be any dumber...

Posted by scott at 01:15 PM eMail this entry!
~ Here We Go Again, Go Again / We Ain't Learned Our Lesson Yet ~

Welcome to 1971:

President Obama will direct federal regulators on Monday to move swiftly on an application by California and 13 other states to set strict automobile emission and fuel efficiency standards, two administration officials said Sunday.

Yeah, that's a great idea, seeing as how automakers are doing so well worldwide. If you like cars and enjoy high performance, you better move quickly, because once these regs hit the books they'll soon be as rare as the proverbial hen's teeth. Even the boring ones will end up being expensive. Europeans shouldn't laugh too hard... unlike the 70s, your greenies are powerful enough to strangle all the cool cars over there too.

After all, to the left TANSTAAFL is just a nonsensical acronym.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
January 23, 2009
Not that There's Anything Wrong with that

Me, I'd settle for a little snuggling without breaking out into a coughing fit. This guy was a lot more ambitious. I doubt if I'd be able to get over how cold the "water" was.

Posted by scott at 01:07 PM eMail this entry!
That Which Has Been Seen...

Go for the discussion of kids and cons, stay for the pictures of goofy fen. Especially the guy in the Wonder Woman suit.

We haven't gone to a convention in years. Mid-Atlantic fandom is just too cliquish for me, and while Ellen enjoyed the people watching just about everything else left her cold. That said, if Olivia wanted to go to a con, I certainly wouldn't stop her.

Posted by scott at 10:48 AM eMail this entry!
January 21, 2009
For Every Time, There is a Regulation

Having regulated absolutely everything else in sight, the British government has now imposed rules on music teachers. I'd like to think we're not due for 2-4 years of these sorts of shenanigans on this side of the pond. Of course, I'd like to think someone will just drive up in one of those new Alfa Romeos and hand me the keys. I'm not holding my breath for either.

Posted by scott at 12:23 PM eMail this entry!
January 20, 2009