Ok, sometimes the quote makes the story: "I want it just like her but with bigger boobs". Article is SFW. Imagining a 50 year-old man with yet another real doll... well, yeah, that's not so safe for brain. Here, I have some mind bleach to spare.

A hoarder in Las Vegas went missing recently, only to be found imitating a Wizard of Oz witch in her own home. And that, children, is why things should occasionally be thrown away.

And in the, "no, actually, we're not making it up" file we have a guy who's making whiskey from diabetic's urine. Ok, see, all I've ever said was I thought Scotch tasted like postage stamp glue. This stuff...

Proof positive rednecks don't just live in the US: man uses a whole can of bug spray trying to kill a spider, then uses a lighter to try and see if he succeeded. Looks like folks in the UK just don't see a lot of Mythbusters episodes, donchaknow?

And he still looks like he is 12.

Investigators traced the pungent smell to a hearse owned by David B. Lawson Mortuary, the undertaker that picked up Walton's body Aug. 11. Walton, 37, who investigators think died about a week before she was discovered, was still in the back of the undertaker's vehicle.

Mine would not smell. That is what air fresheners are for.

Ya know, sometimes even I'm left speechless. You know, when some Caribbean chick writes a rap song about tickling her vagina. No, really. SFW, I dunno, sorta...

The suspects then likely had to carry the body over the cemetery fence to get away, authorities said.

Leave it to a dumb teenager to create yet another spectacular car crash video. That would be all I need, getting caught up in something like that in the spider. Fortunately the only person hurt this time was the idiot behind the wheel, and it sounds like he'll be paying for his stupidity for a long, long time.

Would that they could learn such lessons more easily.

Mike J. gets a no-prize shaped like a rotting gavel for bringing us news that, in Ohio at least, your rights to your kid's remains do not trump those of the state's. I dunno, for me I think the difference would be in just why the coroner wanted to keep the kid's brain in a jar. Still, I think not notifying the family was at the very least, well, you know, tacky.

Glass eye? Glass eye? Dude, that's so 20th century. Thing is, I'd expect that, within the next five years tops, he'll be able to take high def full-motion video with the thing. Meh, his body, his cash, wtf not?

Barenaked ladies: America's Next Top Model's plus-size winner displays her curves for campaign to beat eating disorders.>

Last time I checked, shoveling food into your mouth all the time is an eating disorder.

Whatever happened to healthy? Not stick figure or fat?

This is why I don't read magazines anymore.

For the power napper who has everything: the "Snazzy Napper." I agree with the article: looks suspiciously like a burkha to me, but that's likely because I've never seen an actual one up close. I'd think it would work better in Asia, where things like surgical masks seem to be considered normal.

The good news: 33 miners have survived a collapse. The bad: it's going to take a few months to dig them out. I'm thinking the "few months" will turn out to be a "few weeks" as their story gets out. As long as they can get food and water down to them, I guess it'll all work out.

Update: Three bad links fixed in three weeks. Geeze.

China's government has, according to the article at least, decided to demolish half the country's residential buildings because of shoddy workmanship. The results are definitely spectacular, but as with most progressive good intentions, there's a down side. Rural Chinese are just as bright as you and I are. They know exactly what their chances are in those buildings. They choose to live in them anyway because they're escaping what a real, actual life in a pre-industrial countryside is like.

So, are they rich enough to build proper buildings fast enough, or will the end result be legions of peasants freezing in the streets as serviceable shelters are demolished around them?

Bah. Your side doesn't even understand the question. Sometimes I don't know why I bother...

Dr. Laura Schlessinger went on the standard white person rant about how some folks get to say the n-word and others don't, and suffers the consequences of that rule. Race really is a fundamental contradiction in our society, and has been since basically the beginning. My rule is one I got from sportscaster James Brown back when he was still doing the Fox pregame show one Sunday while the crew were talking about some football player who'd broken this very rule. "I personally think it's an unacceptable word from anyone, anywhere. There's just too much baggage," is what I recall him saying, and that's how I feel about it.

Cindy J. gets a no-prize that can't possibly be THAT innocent for bringing us an outrageous picture, and it's suspiciously "sensitive" explanation. Yah know, it doesn't matter how much of a coincidence it is, I can't imagine a Japanese immigrant in, say, 1952 1949, putting up a sign in his shop window celebrating "The Honorable Hirohito" because some damned anniversary "just happened" to fall on December 7th.

Oh, stop it. Surely they'd gotten out of the camps before then...

The couple had their hands bound behind their backs and were forced to stand in an empty field as their sentence was carried out, he said. A local Taliban commander, who contacted media but refused to give his name, confirmed the killings. "The couple confessed they had eloped together and based on their confession they were stoned to death," he said.

Under Islamic Sharia law, sex between unmarried people is punishable by public beatings, while punishment for those caught in extra-marital affairs is death by stoning.

Really? And we keep trying to help help these people?

What they need is a few more thousand generations to get out of the stone age.

It seems, according to Salon at any rate, that the whole "ground zero mosque" meme is the product of a single right-wing blogger and, natch, Rupert Murdoch. So, what he's saying is, the media, and the New York Post specifically, took a straightforward story and blew it all out of proportion, just to sell more ads? Say it ain't so!

Look, I appreciate the clarification, but trying to pretend this sort of thing is the exclusive purview of The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy^tm went out the door when Journolist walked in.

A few hookers, a tree in the woods, a rope, hey man, that's a party. On the one hand, very, very sad. On the other, well, at least he went out in style.

Yeah, I'd think a giant hole opening up under the pool and draining it while your kids are swimming would make a person... anxious... And that, folks, is why they make you get all those annoying permits and inspections, donchaknow?

Making the rounds: a man went into a hospital thinking he had lung cancer, only to discover it was pea plant instead. Yep, pea plant. Apparently he inhaled one instead of eating it. You'd think cooking would've prevented that sort of thing.

After going missing more than two years ago, a famous French chef's body has been found in a freezer in his home. Nobody's sure if foul play was involved. The man's girlfriend has been charged with, "hiding a body." Who knew that was illegal? Anyone? Anyone? Beuhler?

Sometimes The Sun is full of crap. Except when they come up with a headline like, "Man Died in Sex Stunt with Tree." Ya know, splinters in my hand were bad enough. I always knew they'd kill, if they got stuck in other places. I woulda thought all guys'd know that. Obviously I was wrong.

Stephen Gould used to talk about how evolution wasn't disproved by the elegance of a bird's wing, but proved by the clunkiness of a panda's thumb. I say government incompetence isn't disproved by Apollo, but is proved by warehouses full of coins nobody wants, that cost more to house than they're worth, which will be produced for the foreseeable future. Yes, yes, "it's Bush's fault! It's Bush's fault!" I know I keep forgetting the chant. Did you really have to bring the stick around this time?

This is just nasty.

A market data firm, trying to figure out just what exactly it was that made the market flop around like the fish in the bottom of a boat earlier this year, have instead discovered distinct, and extremely weird, patterns in the stock market data. We're talking patterns it takes slicing the data into seconds to see, which describe trades which have no hope of succeeding. The modern equivalent of a numbers station? Skynet, signaling its minions? Two computers, farting away in the night? Who knows?

Well, I'll tell you, someone does. And they're not talking...

Well, yeah...um..WEIRD.

Ok, NASA, no need to worry about how many Space Shuttle missions might actually be in the pipe. God is on the job. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole rig was engineered to survive that sort of thing. Cost enough, it better.

Making the rounds: yet another example of someone wobbling off their meds in front of a computer screen. It's just possible the author is perpetrating one enormously entertaining hoax. However, in my experience it takes a genuine loon to have that kind of energy over that amount of time.

Ok, "Man nearly killed when eel swims in bottom" reads like an editor being clever. You know, like the bottom of a lake or something. But no, it really did swim up his backside. I guess when there's more than a billion Chinese, weird stuff is going to happen more often to them just due to raw numbers.

Sometimes there's just no improving the Fark headline: Meet the Bodybuilding Neo-Nazi Porn Star Who Embalms Dead People for a Living. Ellen's two of those four. She's married, so that knocks out the third one, and she hates everyone, but as long as they stay off our lawn she couldn't give a sh-t, so that knocks out the second one. My colorful life. Let me show you it...

The first systematic survey of the Chernobyl exclusion zone has found marked, and negative, effects on wildlife. While this would at first seem to be one of those "dur" conclusions, there was (and is) plenty of anecdotal evidence that the removal of humans was increasing wildlife diversity.

Campers make sure all food is secure, campsite is properly situated, everything is arranged correctly, get eaten anyway. Inveterate camper/hikers Ron & Amber will have their, "yeah, but"'s ready, but, far as I'm concerned, that's all the proof I need to watch campers on TV, instead of being one.

Looks like something went "boom" next to a tanker, and now the captain's going to have to call Geico. I'd like to think this was hajji using a small bomb to take out a big boat, but I tend to agree the most likely cause is a nearly-dead mine from the old Iran-Iraq war. Still, that's going to take a whole lotta bondo to fix.

Put it this way... you probably don't want to go swimming in a swamp, anyway. And dude, you definitely need a bigger boat.

Don't you normally find these portraits at flea markets with tacky gold frames along with tiger blankets?

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll need four department stamps and six forms filled out in triplicate to receive for bringing us a brilliant example of what a progressive looks like dining on ashes. "Peak state," like its cousin peak oil, is a chimera built on the assumption that everyone else is stupid and will remain so until and unless they wake up and recognize that the elite really do know what's good for them.

That everyone else is just as damned smart as they are, and that, with the proper incentives, everyone else can come up with some damned clever ideas indeed, never once occurs to the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery. Quite the opposite, they're already sneering at this, thinking how I court destruction and chaos for even mentioning the possibility.

You know, that every one of us has the potential to succeed, and that together we can do amazing things. Yeah, that's definitely a terrible thing to talk about.

Jesus is coming! Quick! Look busy!

I always liked, "Jesus Saves Sinners, and Redeems Them Later for Valuable Prizes" better.

And now, the world's strongest beer. Inside of a squirrel. Yeah, you heard me, squirrel. That would make for an interesting companion to Ellen's "vomiting frog," donchathink?

Uh...wow...

Either he fell off, or he really did end it there. Not gory, but NSFW due to the ads.

The children were enjoying Popsicles and were being bathed in vinegar, which is a common treatment for jellyfish stings. They also were given antihistamines and anti-inflammatory medications.

Really, what is this world coming too. Too many odd things going on.

2012 is only a year and a half away.

He added that the agency doesn't know whether the spiders are venomous, but that the critters are in various sizes. Agriculture officials also don't know if Guam's tropical climate can allow these spiders to thrive.

Umm...where is my shoe?

No, really, when vultures attack! As a cyclist who drives a bike that's mostly plastic, my greatest fear is Buffy the Cellphone Slayer talking to her friend and brushing on nail polish, wondering what that weird *thump* was when she accidentally drifted right across the shoulder of the road. I simply don't go fast enough to worry about BIRDS.

You remember that corvette the North Koreans didn't sink? That they definitely, quite positively didn't sink? That they would bump you on the chest in the playground and thump you over on your butt for implying that they may have sunk something which they didn't sink? Yeah, about that...

I would like to go on record to state there's a left-wing crazy that is so crazy even I, a card carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, can't tie into something Obama is doing. And this bunch has nukes. Fizzly nukes, yes, but they also have eight-and-a-half bajillion artillery pieces within range of the car companies who make most of everyone else's wheels. I mean, dude...

No matter how you translate it, a Ferrari on fire is never a good thing. It appears nobody was hurt, so there is that. And yes, very lucky indeed that one of the passers-by was a big fire extinguisher!

Personally, I don't really think these things are all that beautiful. The first set of speakers looks like something Dr. Who would face off against, the last one looks like what Pixar's light would grow up into. And yes, folks, that's about how high the real high-end can get, price-wise.

The 15-by-49-foot billboard stands on the westbound side of the highway, facing eastbound traffic. The message went up June 28, paid for by Final Exit Network, a nationwide group that provides guidance to adults seeking to end a life of constant pain from incurable illness.

That is a billboard that you won't see every day.

And in the, "I see a flaw in your cunning plan" file, we have a dude who ended up dead when his plot to gain custody of his kid on a "I got shot!" plea went all pear-shaped. Or, you know, bullet-shaped, as the case may be. No, it doesn't make any damned sense to me either, but people of high intelligence typically do not turn to a life of crime, donchaknow?

And in the, "when we do it it's simple protesting but when you do it it's dangerous racism" category, we have righteous indignation that the right has stolen one of the left's most favorite memes. I thought the Bushitler stuff was ridiculous counterproductive crap, and I think this is ridiculous counterproductive crap. All three of the guys on the billboard were much more effective at being horrific bastards than any president can be. That anyone can even vaguely entertain a notion otherwise shows just how far political passion can override historical knowledge. Or, you know, common sense.

The Obama administration in general and the president in particular have come to the startling conclusion that Al Qaeda hates black people. No, really! This is important! Stop laughing! Don't you realize they lack cultural sensitivity? That they engage in hate speech against poor minorities? Ok, the laughing was bad enough. I will not abide you rolling on the ground and gasping for air.

An oil executive appears to have been targeted by a bomber. Everyone is constantly reminded by the MSM how dangerous potential right-wing violence is. The actuality, the real and constant actuality, of left-wing violence is, and sadly forever will be, given a gloss by progressives of most stripes.

And in the, "f-ing Californians need to get better hobbies" category we have the BBC reporting on the 30 year-old tradition of Cali's finest mooning Amtrak trains. The article includes a fine example of, "people who want to be seen naked generally shouldn't be seen naked," but otherwise SFW pictures.

Sometimes there's just no avoiding a crash. This stuff happens in all forms of racing. It just tends to be a lot nastier with the 2-wheeled variety.

Today's media-sensationalized warning of DOOM!!! is brought to you by CNN, and the "alarming" trend of kids using decorative contact lenses. Since you all may not be paying attention, they've decided to throw in a gratuitous Lady Gaga reference, since a video she made, what, two years ago, had a scene that used CGI to make her eyes look bigger. Yeah, totally related.

A 91 year-old widow has gotten in trouble for keeping the corpses of her husband and twin sister around. As in, "around the house." One embalmed corpse was found on a couch in the garage, the other on a couch in a spare bedroom. Now that's an excuse for not sleeping over at grammas I'd accept.

When I learned Wonder Woman was, after nearly seventy years, getting a costume makeover, I called for an expert opinion. When provided with an example of the previous version of her costume, Olivia's reaction was immediate and conclusive, which I quote here in its entirety, to wit: "Bllleeaaaaarrrrgggggchk!" When pressed for details, she explained the new version was, "too gothic."

I'm actually fine with either version, albeit for different reasons.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll be sure to offer last rites for bringing us this rather macabre, but still helpful, sign. The best I ever got was a faded radiation symbol on the side of a public building when I was a kid. I wonder if it's still there?

Last time I checked, these were called thermoses. Thermosi? Thermosay?? Liquid holder?

No wait, the would be tampon! CLEVER!

Archaeologists suspect local inhabitants may have been systematically killing unwanted babies.

Archaeologist Dr Jill Eyers said: "The only explanation you keep coming back to is that it's got to be a brothel."

That will teach those ladies of the night to forgo a night of work.

Hey, men like panties and bras too!

Yes I took a video of this. Yes I am disappointed that I did not catch "WEST FALLS CHURCH METRO NEXT STOP!" on video.

So I'm going to hell.

I get the intent, I really do. As a dad, though, I must admit a free prostate cancer screening is kinda far down on my list of fathers day presents. That sound you're hearing is Ellen doing a face-palm, because she didn't think of it before the day was over.

This is a new concept? Do you know how many people out in radiology who have DONE this? Heels included and so much more...

Oh wait wait wait! You don't get ear density on xrays, nor boob detail (sorry)..dude! where is her heart!!! Oh wait wait.. this is CGI...yeah..CGI.

What these people lack in means they more than make up for in sheer chutzpah. There are more than a few big, abandoned properties in this area, so it wouldn't surprise me if ballsy squatters were a feature of our landscape as well. I'm sure there are some on the left side of the aisle who think there's a certain bit of justice going on here. Of course, it's not their house either.

The way Sitchin sees it, the long-dead woman's genome could contain the signature of the gods and demigods he's been talking about since 1976.

Hmmm...

The sculpture, about 62 feet tall and 40 feet wide at the base, showed Jesus from the torso up and was nicknamed Touchdown Jesus because of the way the arms were raised, similar to a referee signaling a touchdown. It was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, which is all that remained Tuesday.

It's a sign! The end is coming! Ohio just became more of a shit hole than it already is! Who will save you if "Touch Down Jesus" can't?

An Extra Crispy Jesus No-Prize to Annie for bringing us this sad news.

Looks like, for the second time this year, DNA evidence has cleared a man Texas has already executed. Being a good Buddhist, I'm quite firmly against the death penalty. Being firmly in the camp of the constrained vision, I also have no problem with someone being given the opportunity to achieve enlightenment from the bottom of a miserable, deep, dark hole.

You think I'm kidding. I'm not.

And, for the newest entry in the, "dude. Wait, what?" category, we have news that men's girdle sales are off the chart. Corset sales for dudes would seem not to be far behind. Or, you know, middle, as the case may be.

And in the, "gosh I'm glad I didn't drive the spider that day" file, we find what can and sometimes does happen when buildings get taken apart by heavy machinery. Fortunately, it appears nobody got hurt.

Remember, folks, HD cameras can see more than you think. A new version of couples getting it on in a far, dark corner of a stadium can't be far behind.

I gotta tell you, they sure did spend a lot of money to make something that ugly. We'll call it proof positive that Germany has more than their fare share of guys willing to do silly things to cars. Only, you know, with more expensive cars.

... and the saga of the "convoy of peace" continues. Now the newsies who brought the cameras are getting all huffy because the Israelis released their footage. Because we all know they wouldn't selectively edit their stuff to make sure the film matched the story that they were saying. Nope, they'd be completely honest, since all they were really there to do was document a humanitarian mission.

In a pig's eye...

The "grim eater" attended up to four funerals a week during March and April before the Harbour City Funeral Home decided he had gone too far, and stopped him, the Dominion Post reported.

"We saw him three or four times in a week. And certainly he had a backpack with some Tupperware containers so when people weren't looking, he was stocking up."

Talk about a weird situation!

You know all those times they said even experienced climbers can be killed by Everest? Yeah, they weren't f-ing around about that. Everest: Beyond the Limit has been on a Tivo Season Pass for us for years, and, as I recall at any rate, they actually had to walk past someone who'd done the climber version of throwing a rod but who had not actually gotten around to dying just yet.

Me? I'm not particularly fond of climbing the stairs. I'm more than content watching others try to climb up and try to climb down that thing.

So it seems that, for the past month or so, one of the things your $20 admission got you at MoMa was the opportunity for a weird Yugoslavian chick to stare at you for as long as you liked. Lots of actors paid for the opportunity, of course. And don't forget the write-up in the Times. But it's commercial painting that's not "real" art, donchaknow?

There's pissed-off crazy, then there's so-pissed-off-he-rips-your-heart-out crazy. Note to self: do not do 'shrooms with guys who enjoy beating the crap out of each other for money.

Nothing like a sinkhole in the middle of a city to put some perspective on a tropical storm. My luck would be that'd be the parking meter I used on the one trip downtown I used the spider for.

Couldn't happen to nicer people!

REVENGE!

Graphic photos and video!

Nothing quite like a compilation of red-light runners to graphically demonstrate the consequences of not paying the f- attention to what you're doing.

Observation: interracial marriages are on the rise in America. Media conclusion: an obvious sign of increased discrimination and racial tension. Remember, folks, these are the people who've made it their business to keep us informed.

Sometimes random chance just makes you go, "hmmmm..." Like when every person assigned a specific mobile phone number in the UK has died. In the past ten years. Ya know, I'm just fine with them suspending that number.

A writer of several popular comic book titles has disappeared, leaving only his van behind. A van with a very gruesome bonus on board, no less.

It seems that dogs in space are making the headlines once more, only this time it's because they're on the menu. If it's raised as food it should be consumed as such. That said, I think I now have a little more ammunition when I politely decline to visit a Chinese buffet.

Nick on the other side of the world brings us this on the quirky ways Asia's way of remembering the dead

"The Asia Funeral Expo is giving new meaning to the "be prepared" maxim by offering free coffin portraits to expo visitors. Other morbid attractions include a free Alzheimer's tests -- just the thing to compliment the coffins lining up in the exhibition hall. "We're seeing half-hour queues for the coffin portrait booth," Lo told CNNGo."

In case you forget, here is the link to the expo.

Ticket Please!

Hrrmm.... an interesting history lesson!

Yep, they are out there.

They all have a similar look too...hmmm....

When it comes to scientific experiments, often the Cynomolgus Macaque monkey is the primate of choice. They weigh anywhere from about 3 to 25 pounds and make lots of barking noises. It's hard to image how anyone could miss one sitting inside a small cage.

I worked in research...you cannot make a "boo-boo" like this unless you mean it.

How dare you try to limit welfare payments to Islamic wackamoles! Stop that right this instant! An increase in fairness always outweighs a risk to security, especially if it results in new opportunities for income redistribution to brown people who of course hate us only because of the injustices we inflict on them. Giving them more cash cannot result in them buying guns instead of butter. That's not what's intended, so that's obviously not what will happen.

Ok, entire hillsides are NOT supposed to convincingly impersonate, well, pudding. Especially when someone's house is underneath God's own landscape fail.

Meh. We've been parking our butts on floodplains long before we were even human. Why should we stop now?

Ok, so, stop me if you've heard this one: a guy walks into a precinct with two buckets. One of the unexpected advantages of a Caribbean island seems to be easy access to machetes.

"We didn't realize until the autopsy that his constipation was as bad," he said, noting that when he died there was waste in his colon that was several months old.

"We found stool in his colon which had been there for four or five months because of the poor motility of the bowel," Nichopoulos said.

Find more interesting findings to this story here!

Peer pressure causes teenage girls to believe stupid things. Peer pressure causes teenage boys to do stupid things. One of the unexpected benefits of being a social misfit is I never felt like getting hurt to impress other guys. Impressing girls... well...

It looks like the latest import from Japan is called "zentai." Yeah, I wear lycra bike shorts, but that has more to do with what happens to cotton, and my rear sitting on it, after four hours on a bike than it does with the way the stuff feels. Meh, stay out of trouble, pay your taxes, keep off my lawn, etc.

Although I do think the guys goofing on the hockey player are amusing.

CONCORD, N.H. (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Police are investigating at the Blossom Hill Cemetery in Concord, N.H. where a grave belonging to a mummified baby has been disrupted.

Police were notified yesterday morning by cemetery personnel that a gravesite had been disturbed and dirt was turned.

Aren't you supposed to bury them at least two feet under?

I knew Nashville had it bad with the recent floods. I just didn't realize it was this bad. The first NAMI convention I ever worked was in the Opryland hotel in 1996. I still remember the place, and seeing the same hotel with what looks like three feet of water on an upper level is just beyond amazing. It's going to take a long time to recover from all of that.

Alternative: what happens when Rube Goldberg gets really depressed. Fortunately it seem more artistic expression than any real plea from the photographer. I hope.

They may not be able to legislate their way out of a paper sack, but when it comes to finding ET's among us, the government is on the case. It's so entertaining when consumers wobble off their meds!

How awesome!

Rather than display a Puerto Rican shooting victim's body in a boring casket for the wake, morticians at one San Juan funeral home presented the corpse on the man's Honda motorcycle.

Of course there are photos!

why we feel we need to make these animals do circus tricks?

Click the link. End.

Having presumably solved all other problems (because we all know how well California is doing), a county board in northern CA has voted to ban toy offers from restaurants selling "high calorie" meals. This presumes, as almost all progressive legislation does, that people will voluntarily abide by the spirit of the law, instead of figuring a way around it to get what they want anyway.

In other words, yo, sparky, you're administering a county here. All you've really done is take sales away from your local businesses (you know, the ones who provide jobs and pay taxes), and given them to ones nearby. The only people who'll be affected are those too poor to actually travel, so good on ya for restricting their choices and increasing their expenses. It's for their own good, after all.

Life has made the classic photo essay, "Inside a Serial Killer's House" available on-line. Per usual, people who wreck other's lives have a tendency to wreck their own.

The lady who made "the worst parking job. EVAR" famous was finally sentenced on Tuesday. At least, with the video, the victims don't have to explain the bizarre hood dents to their adjusters.

And now, a drinks bar shaped like a... a... oh go see it yourself. It quenches thirst, and teaches anatomy!

It seems when life throws locusts at Australians, Australians put them on a pizza. Don't worry, Ellen, think of it like a bigger version of a grasshopper taco. I'll be with Olivia, on the other side of the world, when you try it. :)

The most recent episode of South Park aired, what, Wednesday? Let the death threats, BEGIN! I was very surprised Comedy Central allowed the show to air at all, considering the last time Parker and Stone decided to make fun of Mohamed they at first refused to air the episode at all.

People often talk about "the wheels coming off" of a project. They don't usually mean it this literally. Fortunately Buemi's fine. The guy who designed the parts implicated in the crash, maybe not so much.

Ok, four words: Leech with enormous teeth. See, Ellen? I told you I had "the link for all links" tonight!

In an especially vindictive move, workers said that Massey has refused to allow miners time off so that they can attend the funerals of their coworkers.

Only seven bodies have so far been recovered, and rescue crews said on Sunday afternoon that the mine would have to be ventilated for 12 to 15 hours before they could go in and recover the remaining 22. Some funerals have already been held.

You would think by now the owner of the mine would be hiding for his life.

While I understand that you all need jobs etc... but if you are all passionate about this, you should just strike and leave the mine.

West VA, you are your own thing.

"I can breathe better," said Paul Garfield, 18, after taking his turn on the waxing table. "I won't have to deal with the pesky nose hair. It didn't hurt as bad."

OUCH!!!!

I have officially seen it all.

You know when they say a tornado can blow cars around like toys? Ever wonder what that looks like? Wonder no more. My already healthy respect for these storms just took another bound upward.

No matter how hard the hermits try, sometimes people still manage to take pictures of them. Sadly we must rely on satellite imagery to see the camps which constitute the inevitable result of the perfectly progressive state.

Making the rounds: Wikileaks has dug out a combat film from an Apache attack which they term, "collateral murder." Time posted this analysis which, eventually, makes a few good points about just how tough it is to get this sort of thing right. Looks to me like they messed up, and a whole bunch of people died because of the mistake. Still, the video is three years old, and it would seem this sort of thing stopped happening a short time later.

Apaches were never meant to be sniper weapons, and using them as such will always risk a tragedy of this sort.

What I want to know is, what are teenagers doing going on an Easter egg hunt? And then going way off the path into the woods. By themselves. Oh, wait...

It must also be a slow entertainment news day: the latest pop-culture "let's give it a word for the f- of it" trend would appear to be "chexsting". We've definitely come a long way from the time when telephones were just used for, you know, calling people.

It's nice to know that, even if it seems to be slowly fading away here, political correctness is being kept alive and well on Canadian college campuses. I guess you'd call it the dark side of being nice and orderly, eh?

It would seem the reason BATF decided to take down the Hutaree involved someone forgetting to check Snopes before they freaked their sh*t out. I will give the left this much... their wackos are nowhere near as well armed as mine are. Then again, the vast majority of the time my side's wackos will build themselves a compound out in the woods somewhere and be hardly heard from again. The wackos on the left are the ones which seem more likely to act on their lunacy.

Oh, and my side's wackos take baths. Bathing is always a plus.

A Lebanese TV personality is scheduled to be beheaded in Saudi Arabia. The guy's not even a Saudi national, the religious police ganked him on his Umra. It's my understanding anyone visiting SA is required to have a sponsor, so this reeks of a setup. F'ing religious police.

Making the rounds: someone apparently adapted the film Scarface into a play for young children. The thing is so ludicrously over the top I'm very suspicious of it. But it definitely seems as if a group of parents has become completely unmoored from good taste, if not reality.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll throw rocks at the kids on his lawn for bringing us at least one watermelon willing to take the gloves off. It's quite nice to see the true core of progressive environmentalism laid out so plainly. These are the policies most seem to really want. They are why I have never believed a darned thing the environmentalist movement says.

Making the rounds: it would seem that no amount of self-righteous watermelon belief will warm the southern hemisphere to the point it's actually summer, in Antarctica, in July. I know, I get it, "My faith. My facts. My movement. NOW KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!" is the attitude we normally get from these folks. I've just never before seen quite such a karmically-appropriate riposte before. Self-inflicted, even.

Update: Looks like we've been snookered. Meh. Not the first time, not the last.

Another day, another third-worlder whacking off his willie because of girl trouble. Ya know, I've been driven more than a little crazy by the women in my life. But in all that time, I never even once considered taking a cleaver to any part of my anatomy, let alone a part that, being a guy, I consider really quite important. Different... rrmm... strokes?

Three words: Giant. Poop. Bubbles.

Oh go on then. It's a web site. Nobody'll ever know you clicked the link.

I promise.

An island nobody lived on, only inches above sea level, in the middle of a bay frequently swept with cyclones, with no resources, which of course was being fought over by two different countries, would seem to have disappeared into the sea. Hey, if global warming can resolve international disputes, it can't be all bad, eh?

Remember that old joke about the tractor-trailer driver who woke up on the road because of a mysterious beeping? You know, the one where he slows down just to figure out where the sound is, only to see a VW bug swerving away out away from his grill? Yeah, that only works if your car isn't stuck against the grill sideways. Thankfully, nobody got hurt.

A civil judge in Belgium has officially gone on record as saying a crime victim invited an attack, and fined the victim because of it. Just when you thought Europe couldn't be any more "progressive", they go and prove you wrong.

Another day, another bunch of idiots learning the feds do not know or care that you're kidding. Ok, so we'll go over this one more time: the Secret Service takes its job very, very seriously, and has the money, resources, and time to find and throw your butt in the pokey if you tweet threats about one of their charges. So let's just keep those thoughts to ourselves, mmkay?

Sometimes Cracked's "Top 5" lists don't do much for me. This is not one of those times. All you true crime fans should have a field day with it. I've actually seen a few of the Toynbee Tiles, although I can't quite remember where.

Authorities have arrested a man who is accused of spending his free time talking people into suicide so he could watch. Just when you thought the depths of man's evil to man had been well and truly plumbed...

And now, a radical lefty who has been declared the messiah. One of the things which defines Britain is the country's famous encouragement of eccentricity, if not outright lunacy. If this doesn't prove the case, I'm not sure what will.

The latest "holy crap the CIA pulled some scary stunts in the 50s" story is an alleged mind control experiment which involved poisoning an entire French town in 1951. An allegation this explosive requires the evidence bar be set very high. From what's presented in the article, I don't think the author has cleared it. A bunch of unnamed sources and a single document which does not explicitly connect the dots does not a true conspiracy make.

The now she has it, now she don't saga of Anna Nicole Smith's battle to get a piece of her sugar daddy husband's fortune has now moved solidly into the "now she don't." This in spite of the fact that the two primaries involved are both, well, dead. A more clear case of, "only the lawyers ever make money" I never have seen.

Finally Ellen has a reason to visit Paris. Well, except for hunting down the tombs of various incorruptible saints, that is. Macabre? Ellen? You don't say...

No, really, when anarchists attack. As mentioned before, political belief is not a line, it's a circle. If you push far enough to become a loony in one direction, you'll quickly be indistinguishable from the loons on the other side. Deny it at your peril.

For those who've always wondered: taking a whack at a cop with your winkie will cost you about $1000. I think. Haven't gotten around to checking the exchange rate lately, but I bet I'm close. Have at you!

While hardly a true secret, it's always important to remember the "other" genocidal unit, 731. The Germans at least have done everything anyone could think of to gain redemption for their crimes. Only the current generation of adults, the first to be able to legitimately claim they had absolutely no part in any of it, are attempting to point out that Germans suffered too. The Japanese, well, one of the best ways to shock a Japanese person is to have them look up Unit 731 on the English Wikipedia. The smart Westerner, the one who doesn't want his Tokyo apartment firebombed, will do nothing more than that.

There's a reason the rest of Asia hates Japan, and it has nothing to do with their current success.

The "buried, not buried, buried, not buried" saga of James Brown seems to have been switched to "not buried." Again. I always thought his "get dragged off the stage only to come right back" schtick was annoying. Now that he's dead, well, not so much. With bonus picture of what the ex-Godfather of Soul looked like, and probably still does.

I think we'll call that fisherman: 0, enormous scary crocodile: 1. At ~ 4 meters, this one's on the small end of adult males. Sheesh!

And now, a Japanese shut-in who decided to marry his pillow. I guess "pillow" and "beer" must look the same in those "is better than a wife" posters.

Iran is openly expanding its missile launch complex to accommodate larger launch vehicles. Just when you think the mullahs couldn't get any madder, they go and prove you wrong again. Help us, Bibi, you're our only hope...

Sit back, strap in, and enjoy just how loopy the very top of the high end of the hi-fi hobby can be. And less ye think the economy has sunk all these companies we have an updated version. The super-high end speakers I think are nifty are an absolute bargain by comparison.

Who needs a forklift or a big truck when a Sumo wrestler will do the job just as well. Seems like a lot of work for an $850 payout split (presumably) two ways.

Remember, folks, guns don't kill people, giant lawnmowers kill people. Let's just say she got a real close shave...

Headline sorta says it all: Anti-gay state senator arrested for DUI leaving a gay bar. Research, he was doing res-- Oh, wait, nevermind.

Let it not be said I am one to cover up when my side coughs up the ball. Especially when they do it in heels.

Nice to see it's not just American SUV drivers who think 4WD magically transforms the road into dry pavement. I'm thinking that's somewhere either in Turkey or Iran, but I'm not at all sure. It'd be nice to think nobody got hurt, but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong there, too.

Actually, I'm surprised it's taken this long for some loon to fasten onto global warming as an excuse to off themselves. It's damned sad when even maniacs do this sort of thing to themselves. It's inexcusable to take their kids with them because they can't seek help.

Hey, don't worry guys, I found a great place to park the fire truck. Meh. Detroit. Sorta says it all.

So it seems the actual next-gen home theater will be equipped with a whopping 24 separate speakers. Just what I need, another 19 cables snaking around my living room. So you heard Ellen's "yeah, no" from all the way out there, eh?

In Soviet Russia, tank sale finds you!. I swear, Mr. Customs Official, it just followed me home! Can I keep it? Please?!?

Spider Crawl...not on my floor.

In my house you can get exercise by jumping over the sudden cat vomit pile.

Ok, I'm calling sexism here, cos if guys were to sparkly-fy their junk and then post pictures of it on the intarwebs, the jokes would be endless. As if guys need another reason to scratch down there.

Remember, folks, if you want to get bizzay, do it on level ground. You'd think a 67 year-old woman would know better. You'd be wrong.

If it gets rid of an untreatable parasite that manifests itself as a three-foot long worm that burrows around in my body, I'm all for it! I definitely recall being grossed out by this concept back when I was in... junior high, I think. I just don't remember it being called a "Guinea worm." Yet another reason to stay the hell away from the desert!

Nothing like a collection of 50 of the weirdest looking critters yet found to start your day. Most I'd heard of, a few I hadn't. I've seen video of giant isopods... those things are f-d up for sure!

For peace of mind (and back, and legs, and arms), think about carrying Rest Easy, an organic spray said to repel or even kill bedbugs. You spray a defensive perimeter around your bed (you're advised against spraying it directly on the sheets) and presumably heed the age-old advice, "Don't let the bedbugs bite."

YUCK!!

His story: The man is Thomas Beatie, who grew up in Hawaii as Tracy, becoming a model and a finalist in this contest. Beatie began dressing and living as a man when he entered his 20s. Eventually he underwent this type of surgery but elected to retain his female reproductive organs.

Keeping your V-Jay= woman.

Look, I don't care what you do, who you are etc.. just don't expect the main stream media to understand you and accept you. You have female reproductive organs and you chose to use them. That alone makes you a woman, not 100% male. You may feel you are 100% male on the inside, but you got lady parts.

Sorry dude.

Looks like even Italians have a limit to their sense of humor. Ours are too fat, old, and lazy to have any kind of flavor. Well, assuming half-puked cat food isn't a flavor, I mean.

Scientists are testing a radical re-animation strategy by draining all the blood out of dogs, replacing it with a super-cold saline solution, and then putting the real blood back after a few hours. I get why they're doing it, but I'm not going to volunteer for their first round of human trials, that's for sure.

Virginia has joined a growing list of states outlawing involuntary chip implants. Go for the weird story, stay to watch the reporter trying to reconcile the deeply conflicted "privacy, for teh win!!!" and "ZOMG!1!! FUNDIES!!!!" storylines.

Did someone put a paper bag over her head?

I just hope the driver managed to live through it.

New from the Nanny State: Police to pose as burglars, break into houses, wake up residents and scold them for a lack of security. I think they'll also end up finding out which residents own cricket bats, machetes, and various illegal firearms. The hard way.

This is why Pittsburgh can't have nice things. Like the first comment says, if these were Saints fans, they would've been wearing more beads. And, like, fewer coats and touks.

Not only did he put the testicle from a castrated dog in his mouth but he also put a medical tube up his nose and showed a nurse a photo of his erect penis on his mobile phone. The 37-year-old, from Brighton, east Sussex, was charged with two offences by the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons while working at St Runwald’s Surgery in Colchester, Essex, between April 2008 and September 2009.

Umm...err...wow.

I love ink...but some people are just retarded.

Today's "climate change will kill us all" debacle is brought to you by (closes eyes and throws dart)... the loss of all topsoil in Britain before the year 2070!!! ZOMG!!1q!! OH NOES!!! QUICK! SOMEONE GET THEM SOME FUNDING!!!

I remember hearing about this particular imminent apocalypse back in the 70s, when the watermelon agenda mostly revolved around fertilizers growing enough food to feed too many kulaks. It didn't happen then. It's not going to happen now.

And in the, "oh-no-they-di'-uhn!!!" file, we have hajji stuffing women's boobs with explosives. This one is so sensationalist it just screams, "slow news day." Then again, the story claims they've already caught looneys with their butts full of Semtex, so wtf knows?

And now, a girl with no vagina who got pregnant anyway due to getting stabbed in a knife fight. No, really!

Not only is Rip Torn still around, he's still getting in trouble. I guess it proves that, no matter how rich you are, it is possible to be so drunk and annoying people will throw your old ass into jail

Sometimes there's just no improving on the lede: "Days after D.C. Superior Court Magistrate Judge Janet Albert broke up with her girlfriend, the judge found her former companion unconscious in her attic, above her bedroom, with some food and an ice bucket fashioned into a makeshift toilet, authorities say."

No, really!

Now that flu season is on its way out, the MSM has the balls to ask was the whole thing exaggerated? Ah, but reading the article reveals the true source of hysteria. It's the government's fault! Really!

The saga of the secret codes appears to be over. As long as the sights keep shooting straight, I guess it's not that big of a price to keep the busybodies happy.

Serves him right, wasting good booze like that. I thought it was fake, until the smoke alarm started going off. Heck it still might be, but it was an interesting explosion.

Ok, I get it, that chicks like to change things about their appearance and, you know, upgrade stuff. What I don't get is this whole "vagazzle" thing. Yeah, you heard me, that's what she said. Seems to me that'd, I dunno... itch.

In the, "don't you have anything better to do?" bin, we have this hard-hitting investigative report which proves a small Michigan company is casting very short, very small biblical references into its gunsights. Of course someone's going to have a problem with this. Once they found out about it, anyway.

Hey, guess what? Swimming in shark-infested waters can be dangerous! The article starts out well enough, but the wheels fall completely off when the author tries to tie a rise in attacks with tourism and then (somehow) with sharks being over-fished.

NASA officials have confirmed a baggie of cocaine was brought into the hangar complex which processes the space shuttles. Junkies are stupid, even rocket scientist junkies. I'm sure they'll catch the person, but, this being NASA, I'm sure it'll involve three dozen meetings, two press conferences, and the creation of at least seven new acronyms.

Took me awhile, but I finally found the real high-end of the hi-fi hobby. Feast your eyes on a forty-two-thousand dollar set of mono amplifiers. Auditioned with a $14,000 turntable, natch. I honestly have no idea who pays for such foolishness, but I guess if it keeps a small bunch of craftsman off the bread line, it's all good.

That'd be Giant Tree: 1, Shed: 0. Explain that one to the adjuster.

Hey, if you can't link up a story about a stillborn lamb with a face like a human, well, what damned good is having your own website anyway? Let the Welsh jokes begin!

Now I have seen it all. If you can't get home early enough to walk the dog, then you have a problem.

Old dogs that have urinary problem etc.. puppies, sure.. but really, be responsible.

Problem: Effete Westerners have got all fluttery about the lead you're using on the kids products you're selling them, and now block them.

Solution: use a different poison.

I wonder if it glows?

ClimateGate just gets better and better. How much better? How about the UN IPCC Chief is making millions on side-deals with companies specializing in carbon trades and "sustainable technologies?" Now, remind me again how these are the people who's advice to dismantle our economies we are to trust? I keep forgetting that part...

Sometimes there's just no improving on the headline: crime lord's fake penis falls off during raid. A hermaphroditic crime lord sounds like something out of a David Lynch flick. It also seems to provide even more proof of Mark Twain's axiom about truth and fiction.

Nothing quite as embarrassing as calling the fire department to cut your winkie out of a steel pipe. In the emergency room, no less. Not quite as bad as the story of the guy who got his junk caught in a machine belt so tight it threw him across the room and he tried to stitch it up with a stapler*, but you can see it from there.

---
*I'm not kidding. Google it.

Making the rounds: a funeral home is being sued because, apparently, they sent gramma's brain home with the flowers. Ok, suddenly my own mom's plan to be cremated is getting this giant silver lining...

Coming soon to a console near you: the "ultimate" FPS accessory. I'm still amazed nobody's come up with a left-hand HOTAS solution to give me no-lift access to the number keys and other odd combos.

F- being a vegetarian, I wouldn't eat any of this stuff either. Warning: contains picture of already-prepared "mutt for dinner." Not violent or cruel, but it could upset the sensitive. As if those people still hang out here anyway.

Making the rounds: two of the four leaders allegedly behind the al Qaeda plot to blow up a Northwest Airlines passenger jet over Detroit were released by the U.S. from the Guantanamo prison in November, 2007, according to American officials and Department of Defense documents. Good thing that was during the Bush administration, otherwise we would've been greeted with another round of "cover-up for the president" from the MSM. But by all means, let's close it down, provide a forum for the worst of them during a show trial in Manhattan, and let the rest scatter to the four winds. What could possibly go wrong?

Just when you thought the pervs had tried it all, we now have a butt-sniffing bandit. This one reeks of a hoax, but the police seem to be taking it seriously. For now.

Ok, I get that people need gross anatomy classes. What I don't quite understand is why it's being taught outside. Note: Pictures are luridly graphic, but since the dude is already seriously dead, it's not exactly violent. Gotta learn somehow, I guess.

Remember when I said the Hi-Fi hobby has a nosebleed section? This one's in the center section, mid-field. Read the first page, as much as you can anyway, and then skip to the last page. It literally took my breath away when I saw the price. Yes, Virginia, there are audiophiles far nuttier (and richer) than I.

First, the "you can't make this stuff up" lede: "A 4-year-old boy, beer in hand, is accused of stealing Christmas presents from his neighbors. It's a strange story, but also a sad one. "

And then there's "The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl's dress and drinking a beer."

But best of all is: ""He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Ah, the holidays!

No, really, when monkeys attack. I've watched Olivia make almost exactly that move on a little punk at the playground when his teasing turned to touching. I had to yell at her to stop, but inside I was definitely smiling.

Annie gets a no-prize that'll fit in a pocket protector for bringing us news that girls feel they're driven out of the computer science because (waves hands around), "it's masculine geeky." Think about that one for a second. Yeah, that "smack" sound was all my guy friends doing a face-palm.

Don't worry, man. I'm raising one and I still don't understand them.

Hmm... I'll take armed, naked crazies on the lawn for $200, Alex. As noted previously, I'd wager she looks more like Kathy Bates than Uma Thurmond. Life often isn't fair that way.

Presenting Fapmapper, which combines the creep factor of public wankers with the utility of Google maps. I learned a very long time ago that people who want to be seen naked in public are 99.99% of the time the last people who should be seen naked in public. If this helps me avoid them, well, there ya go.

The shape of things to come here: brothers beat down home invaders and receive multi-year jail terms for their trouble. Well what do they expect? Sure, the robbers tied them up on the floor, but the robbers also said the family wouldn't be killed as long as they didn't move! Those maniacs went after the robbers with a cricket bat! Put one of them in the hospital! And a good thing too it happened in Britain, otherwise that poor thief likely would not have gotten the best of care!

To wit: There's no such thing as a woman so beautiful a man can't be made sick of her crap. With (barely) SFW pictures of an example. The obverse is, of course, just as true.

A 70 year old man has apparently died of a heart attack while skydiving. When I first read it, I wondered, "how could you tell that from a bunch of hamburger and broken bones?!?", but it turns out he was tandem jumping. Go grampa! Bye, grampa!

This one was so gross I didn't want to keep it up on my computer: a tongue-eating parasite has been found of the coast of New Jersey. It (thankfully) is harmless to humans, well, except for that whole "so skeeved I need a shower" feeling. With severely creepy pictures!

Making the rounds: a mysterious spiral blue light appeared in the skies over Norway last night. Not only do they have pictures, they have video. I don't know what the f- it is, but if I had to put a $5 chip down I'd set it on, "Russkie missle test gone bad."

A better, and more honest, way to put it would be, in the face of heretics and apostates, first affirm the faith. I didn't, and don't, want to turn this into some sort of humanist holy war, but the other side seem to already have.

Ok, I get that some folks could be skeeved out by transgender people. Being raised in the deep South, I know there are an unfortunate number of people so badly skeeved out they do stupid things. You know, like leave a nasty, threatening voice mail message on the phone of a transgender teen who just applied for a job at their McDonalds. A bit of a shame, really. The bottom rungs of McDs are rightfully seen as a kind of hell, but the truth is it's not a dead end. Far from it. Work at it hard enough, long enough, and McDs will make someone with a high school diploma very wealthy indeed.

But not for this guy. No, this guy let his prejudices override his professionalism, and now what likely was a bright future is now a dead end.

Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

Nothing like finding vines in the vah-jay-jay to throw your whole day off (SFW). Annie gets a no-prize that damned well better warm its hands before it sets to work for bringing us proof that old-world stabs at birth control are still alive and well.

No, really, when Christmas trees attack. Being a good German Austrian, he told the authorities, cut the tree to size, and drove it home.

So in a street full of tall buildings, these guys manage to smash a moving car. An advantage to driving an old, low-slung sports car is it increases the chances of a miss. A disadvantage is if it manages to score they'll have to scrape what's left off the wrecking ball.

That's right, folks, for about $130 a night you too can experience life as a hamster. All it would need to complete the experience is a giant, menacing cat. Oh no, ours are too old, fat, and lazy to be much of a threat to anything.

Making the rounds: a former Miss Argentina is dead from complications resulting from cosmetic buttock surgery. In other news, people pay good money to have a surgeon take a knife to their ass.

Want to know what more than a decade of progressive government will look like? Wonder no more. The best part is, most people on the left side of the peanut gallery are now wondering what, exactly, the problem is.

So now the hard left is dreaming of Diocletian. Because, when they do that, they think it goes over the heads of the plebes who would otherwise react badly if they were to use the name of the person they really want. ~ Where have you gone, Joseph Stalin... ~

Leave it to the home of everything truly weird to give us the first known case of a man marrying a video game character. No, really!

Ya know, it's just not fair setting up a realistic-looking deer made out of frikkin' concrete. A buck could get hurt, donchaknow? Killed, even!

Leave it to The Sun to find a woman who keeps having kids because all she really wants is a set of twins. It takes awhile, but it would appear she's a very hard-working housewife. Still, 14 kids does seem quite a lot.

I'm sure this'll trigger an impressive round of hysterical journalism, but leave it to the Post to get it started off right: Subway riders sealed in murder car. After reading the article, if the guy keeps his mouth shut and gets a good lawyer, I think he probably could get a self defense plea to work. Regardless, it seems a good lesson in "keep your crap into your lap, you idiot."

For proof that porn has come (ha!) a very long way indeed, one need only examine these scans of "Tijuana Bibles". Suddenly the fact that red-light districts were largely legal in pre-WWII US makes a heck of a lot more sense.

NSFW, but it's Saturday, wtf are you doing at work?

Meh, his kid, his rules: "Is this taking the whole Star Trek thing a teensie weensie bit too far? d'Armond Speers spoke only Klingon to his child for the first three years of its life."

Thing is, kids learn languages like a sponge at that age. Other than teaching him a few strange-ish sounds, I'll wager he'll be fine.

Great. Even their politicians are cooler than ours:

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin rubbed shoulders with rappers and was hailed with "respect" in a television show on Friday that could help boost his flagging ratings.

Of course, people worship Obama. Beat that!

This is a JOKE right? Right?

Ron gets a no-prize shaped like a crystal egg with a crack in it for bringing us proof that the Bugatti Veyron does not make for much of a boat. Brackish water, no less. Fixable? Probably, but likely only with a complete disassembly.

Why someone should not be able to own a chimp no matter how well they can care for it.

Just because your state allows it does not mean you should own it.

Valve's on-line gaming service Steam has decided to combine the convenience of advanced download with the empowerment of the nanny state. I became disillusioned with Steam when something went wrong and it decided I'd given my password away for... well, it was never entirely clear why I would be doing that. At any rate, not only did it lock me out of all the on-line games, which would've merely been annoying, but it also locked me out of the off-line games, which was flat outrageous. Rubbing salt in the wound was their, "you're cheating. What did you expect? Get over it." attitude.

So from that point forward it's been brick-and-mortar boxes for me, FTW!

Two words you never want to hear together: stroller, and amputation. Since they're talking a stroller which cost more than $100, we can happily say Olivia had no chance of sitting in one. It took me some searching to determine this is not related to the team what makes the race cars go really fast.

There's horse whisperers, and then, well, then there's guys like this.

Via, I kid you not, Instapundit, who I am now convinced reads us all the time. Because this is exactly what we would've linked, if we'd had his connections. Kno'wha'I'mean?

Except Alfas are way cooler than Mazdas. I mean, really...

Somebody somewhere seems to think the CIA is predicting Israel's demise in 20 years. The text of the article is just barely coherent, and reeks of often-mourned Weekly World News. And don't even get me started on the comments.

Everything I've read indicates, if anything is done, as soon as the Israelis finish their wall they're going to scoop up the outlying settlers and give the Palis a state whether they want it or not.

No, really, when jellyfish attack! 6 feet across and 400 hundred pounds. If that don't define f'd up, I don't know what does.

Nothing quite like some drunken loon parking his car over the bed you're actually sleeping in to start the day. And that, children, is why people with multi-story houses put their bedrooms on the upper floors.

Just when you think the Japanese just can't get any stranger, they go and invent florescent light bulb fighting. You'd think they'd at least make them wear safety goggles or something.

No, really, when bridges attack! Missed them by THAT much. Well, actually, it didn't miss them at all. My luck, I'd be driving the (presumably) freshly-restored spider across that dratted thing when it decided to whack a motorist or two.

Personally, pouring gasoline on a camp and setting it on fire just to get rid of snakes seems a bit excessive. After all, with Ellen and Amber around, the snakes would do well to run and hide, lest they fall victim to ohmygodomygodomygodit'ssoooCYOOOTTT!!! attacks.

William Heirens, the "Lipstick Killer," is believed to be the longest-serving inmate in the United States. He turns 81 on November 15.

Good. Stay there. But, if it was up to me, you would have been euthanized a long time ago.

Scientists are trying to figure out what makes memory tick by, wait for it, merging the brains of two different bird species into one embryo. None of the creatures has made it out of the egg just yet, but scientists think it's only a matter of time. Sometimes science is way cool. Sometimes it's way skeevy.

Move over, penis pump, Jolie Lips is the new game in town. Article is completely SFW. The product, on the other hand, well...

The cold truth is, if he's as rich as he looks to be, he won't have to wait too long for a hot chick to look him up. I didn't even know you could get that much gold in a house.

I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine whether or not this really is the right answer.

At first, this essay about Stanely Kubrick's The Shining seems straightforward enough. A standard, and even a little innovative, art-house look at one of Kubrick's more popular films. Then, around, say, the third or forth paragraph on the second page, it jumps off the tracks and dives into an unexpected and completely weird abyss.

I finished it anyway simply because he did such a good job of trapping me into reading the first part.

Ok, so which would you want to try fried... a Snickers bar or an f'ing scorpion? Yeah, thought so. Advantage, rednecks!

Ok, so 'fess up... have you seen this man in your dreams? Me, I usually can't remember the faces of strange guys in my dreams. Strange women, well, the faces not so much. Just how much they always seem to resemble my wife.

My story, sticking to it.

Mark gets an electric no-prize for bringing us the sad tale of a family and their careless attempt to upgrade their hobby gear. There's a video floating around which shows an Indian guy walking around on top of a train getting careless and grabbing the high-tension wires above him. Let's just say it was over quickly, but likely not quickly enough.

With friends like these... I dunno, having someone who openly admits to pederasty defending someone who's been on the lam for child rape for twenty years seems appropriate. In a twisted European moral relative way, I guess.

Ron gets a no-prize in a raincoat for bringing us proof there actually is something creepier than what Polanski did to that girl.

Mark gets a very explosive no-prize for bringing us news of yet another Darwin near-miss. Ah well, I guess getting your hands blown off is punishment enough for screwing around with explosives. Bonus: He lived in the basement, and mom ran a daycare center upstairs.

Update: But wait! There's more! Apparently there was a pot farm on-site. You just can't make this stuff up...

Making the rounds: the place Ted Williams entrusted his head for cryogenic storage is just about the opposite of nice. If the book is true, at any rate. Bonus: said book will contain lots of gruesome pictures, making it nearly certain to end up on my shelf some time soon.

Hey man, if it's wrapped in plastic, it doesn't matter where I put it, right? I guess that proves just how nutty addiction makes a person, since I'd have to be out of my freaking mind to want to hide a bag of coke up my wazoo.

Another election cycle, another side of the aisle's married-cousin offspring learning it is in fact against the law to threaten the President. Oh sit down. I can think of half a dozen times when some lefty wackjob pulled the same stunt with Bush and then went to their blog to shriek about Bush's "suppression of their rights."

All you guys who want to give up sovereignty to international bodies like the World Court and the UN? Yeah, I totally agree with you now:

In his rambling diatribe to the U.N. General Assembly on Sept. 23, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi criticized the world body for being unfair to small nations. The comment struck a chord with the Swiss, since Gaddafi has been on a self-proclaimed mission to destroy their little country.
...
Although the motion [to abolish Switzerland] was thrown out because it violates the U.N. Charter ... some Swiss leaders are still concerned that Libya could use its yearlong presidency of the U.N. General Assembly, which began on Sept. 15, to keep up Gaddafi's vitriolic attacks on their country.

I mean, what's not to love?

Of all the things I thought I needed to worry about if I was critically sick, getting run over by the paramedics themselves was not one of them. Homeless drunks just seem genetically programmed to turn up in the most inconvenient places at the most inconvenient times.

Nothing quite like an actual, recent, celebrity murder-suicide as the inspiration for a haunted house display. I guess whoever built it really really didn't like the Titans.

Oh noes! Things are so bad the Real Doll people are offering specials. Can a government bailout be far behind? Hey, man, I bet over time one of those is cheaper than Viagra. Make it part of Obamacare! Hey, the sex offender and "traps-women-in-the-back-yard" lobby will definitely get behind it.

As it were.

Via Instapundit.

That would be lamp post: 1, Ferrari: 0. It would seem the driver walked away. I'd wager the owner has already had half a dozen inquiries for parts.

I'm not kidding, the guy almost literally said, "watch this!" before he did his deadly-stupid deed. I once watched a drainage culvert behind my apartment building filled to its banks with rushing flood waters. Something powerful enough to sweep whole trees and rocks away is something that no red neck should trifle with. He did, and paid the price.

Leave it to kids not to run away but kill it.

Weird photos!

Scientists recently discovered that a sophisticated type of brain scanner showed activity when cognitive tests were performed on a dead salmon. In other words, they bought a whole salmon at a market, stuck it in the machine, showed it some pictures and asked it some questions, and found activity in the scanner data. Ultimately, the paper is trying to highlight the fact that using these sorts of devices isn't as simply as a point-and-shoot camera, and if proper care isn't taken, well, your results will show a dead salmon thinking about a beach picture you're showing it.

This just in: JFK was gunned down by an extreme right-wing lunatic. The only thing richer than ignoring the historic facts of Oswald's beliefs and motivations is ignoring which party benefited the most from JFK's assassination. I've been entertained watching the moonbats twirl in their belfries for about nine years now. I've just never seen them spin this fast.

Just because you might know about money doesn't mean you know a darned thing about cars. What sort of actually sweet rides can you pick up for $12k? Well, in no particular order, you could get, in ABSOLUTELY PERFECT CONDITION, a:

• 1991 Chevrolet Corvette
• 1971 Alfa Romeo Spider
• 1992 BWM 5Csi
• 1974 Datsun 240Z
• 1994 Alfa Romeo 164Q

I'm sure your list will be different, but no less cool. And, unlike the "sweet rides" in the article, at the end of five years these cars will still be worth more or less what you paid for them. Regardless, they'll all kick the crap outta one of those goofy little Smart cars, eh?

Nothing like losing half your skull for ruining your day, eh? Even better: the guys who did it are going to walk because the prosecutors say they don't have enough evidence.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, the saga of the "gender vague" runner takes yet another weird twist. Look, I think people who run when nobody's chasing them are a little strange to begin with, but this is ridiculous.

Ya know, I can understand doing just about anything to stay out of jail, but people have to draw a line somewhere. One of my mom's favorite stories about our old liquor store involved a guy with a colostomy bag paying cash for booze. Turns out those things are much nastier than you think they are.

In Japan, the first lady claims to have been abducted by aliens. Beat that, Michelle!

Great. Just great. If the TSA starts demanding body cavity searches, I'm just gonna walk. No amount of speed and comfort is worth that.

She said: “Losing my fingernails has been the most dramatic thing that’s happened in my life. I think it was my grandson that said, ‘Grandma, they are like your baby; you’ve taken care of them for 30 years and lost them in a second’. But then when you think about it, you know our whole life could end in a second, not just part of the body, but your whole life.”

How many bottles of nail polish she used at one time.

Seventy days after his sudden death, Michael Jackson will be interred in what may or may not be his final resting place Thursday evening.

Akituusaq, son of world-renowned walrus Ayveq, died on Sept. 1 of complications from pneumonia. He was two years old. Let the dissections begin!

Dozens of alpine cows appear to be committing suicide by throwing themselves off a cliff near the small village in the Alps.

Maybe they saw a comet?No purple drapes or new sneakers though.

Can't stop the little monsters from crapping in your house? Now you can. The only real drawback I see for cats is I'd need two, one to catch "inappropriate elimination" and another to catch "go cross-eyed and hork up the remains of a transporter accident." Here kitty-kitty-kitty...

So, is Michael Jackson's ghost haunting Neverland? I guess the answer would depend on what you defined as a "ghost."

The things you learn when your daughter only wants to watch Sponge Bob and all you have to do is troll Wikipedia include learning what happens to a human body when the diving chamber it's in goes from 9 atmospheres to 1 in a fraction of a second:

Subsequent investigation by forensic pathologists determined D4, being exposed to the highest pressure gradient, violently exploded due to the rapid and massive expansion of internal gases. All of his thoracic and abdominal organs, and even his thoracic spine were ejected, as were all of his limbs. Simultaneously, his remains were expelled through the narrow trunk opening left by the jammed chamber door, less than 60 centimeters (24 inches) in diameter. Fragments of his body were found scattered about the rig. One part was even found lying on the rig’s derrick, 10 meters (30 feet) directly above the chambers. His death was most likely instantaneous and painless.

How this has managed to avoid being turned into a movie I never will know.

Coming soon to a Christmas tree far, far away from mine: the pole dancer doll. Oh no, it's much worse than you think it is. Much worse.

Ok, all together now, injecting things into Mr. Winky makes him sad. And who the hell pulls out their wang at a drinking party anyway? Man, just put it away.

I don't care what Snopes says, this is a much better story if it was caused by some redneck with a backhoe. Corroded gas lines are bad, mmkay?

Like the headline says: Meet Lauren Williams, the woman with two vaginas. It's not a porno title, it's a medical condition! Article is SFW.

As if being a poodle wasn't bad enough, people have to go and do this to them. Meh. Doggies don't care as long as there's food to eat and toilets to drink out of. Ellen loves these sorts of things.

There's nothing quite like photo-realistic retouching to mess with your day. Bock Bock!

Who the hell is going to pay them after the Rapture? I mean, no pet sitter in their right mind gets paid $110 for long term watching of a pet.

Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable. For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged friends.

It's the next best thing to pet salvation to a post Rapture world.

Seven Awesome Acts of Nature.

To recycle the sex toys drop it in the mail. Please clean them first. Yes, they can be used sex toys. They can also be unused. They can even be broken sex toys. When the toys arrive at the Dreamscapes Recycling location the toys are clean and disassemble into parts. The parts are then sent to select recycling facilities. Every part of each sex toy is recycled and/or disposed of responsibly: the batteries, the hard (no pun intended) plastics, the rubber, the silicone, the metal, the motor and any e-waste.

I vomited a bit in my mouth with this one.

Observation: there seem to be a few reports of iPhones hissing, steaming, or cracking.

Headline: Apple investigating iPhone explosions.

Well, it did make me read the article, after all.

Wow...just wow.

Gotta love Florida. Where else can a dog get his leg bitten off, whilst illegally off the leash, drinking from a pond, by a 10 foot alligator, in a public park characterized as "a popular recreation facility"?!?

Yeah. 10 foot alligators are definitely what I want to see when I take my kid over to the swing set! Welp, there we go, strike Florida off the list of "nice places to live."

A guy seen tossing his girlfriend through a window fell in after her and was fatally injured in the process. Unfortunate that such things are so unusual. The court system would be much more straightforward if it were otherwise.

Olivia: "Daddy? Watchadoin?"

Me: "I'm typing."

Olivia: "About what?"

Me: "About a guy selling a $6000 Mercedes for $100,000 because he thinks he's Christ's grandson."

Ellen: "What?!?"

There's car crazy, and then there's car crazy.

I'd like to think a furries convention would be a fun place for little kids to visit and see all sorts of amazing and cute cartoon characters. And, as long as Olivia's hand is held firmly in mine, we might even think about visiting one.

By watching it on TV.

Across the room.

With our eyes half shut.

Maybe.

Child leashes would seem to have more uses than you'd initially suppose. For whatever reason, we never seemed to need anything like that. Maybe girls are less likely to run off?

A friend recently wondered what a truly outraged Ellen might be capable of. This sounds about right. I can say with some pride that, while I have done any number of boneheaded things under the influence, I've never made someone so mad at me they actually set me on fire.

Problem: Lead paint is dangerous to children.

Reaction: WE'RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, AND WE'RE HERE TO HELP!!!

Unintended consequence: Classic children's books disappear.

Hope and change, people. Hope and change...

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this. I bet the shoes cost $300, easy.

In fact, by the end of the funeral the flies buzzing around the body's open wound became so persistent the funeral home placed a white veil over the corpse's head to protect it.

Every family's nightmare.

It's all fun and games until your reality show "performance" violates your probation. Go for the "yeah, right, pull the other one" explanations from the principal. Stay for the comments from her pimp-tastic lawyer.

Well, I'm still not completely sure if mermaids exist, but it would seem that, if they do, Allah says it's OK to eat them. Something tells me they probably won't taste like chicken. Too bad the Imam won't be able to advise if we should use a Chardonnay or a Merlot.

Leave it to the English to create a story with proper grammar, containing simple words, that makes no sense whatever. They do love their eccentrics, I'll give them that...

Annie gets a tasty but scary-looking no-prize for bringing us Steve! Don't eat that!, a blog which chronicles the various culinary experiences of its eponymous author. All those things you cruise past in the grocery store, that look curious but too scary to actually try? Yeah, he tries them.

Two words: killer chipmunks. What's that you say? The media over-hyping a crisis to sell papers? Bah. Next you'll tell me they'll sensationalize a celebrity's death just to get ratings...

Sometimes there's just no improving on the story itself:

A Chinese girl was lost her memory and had to be taken to hospital after she was hit on the head by a pregnant tortoise.

Unfortunately the chelonian missile didn't make it, and the girl looks like she'll literally be scarred for life.

Hopefully our friend Kevin does not in fact use an iPod, otherwise I'd fear for his bad-luck-self's safety:

An exclusive KIRO 7 Investigation reveals an alarming number of Apple brand iPod MP3 players have suddenly burst into flames and smoke, injuring people and damaging property.

Local media sensationalizing a story for effect? Say it ain't so!

The small fire spread throughout the wooden roof structure and appeared to be concentrated in the roof stack of the crematorium, he added.

Makes you wonder who started it.

"(The) majority of them were sacrificed using a very sharp bladed instrument, probably a copper or bronze tummy knife. And for the majority there are a several combinations, complex set of variations on cutting of the throat, " Mr Klaus said.

The stupid shit people back then belived.

"The handle of the fork broke off and it went straight into Smokey's head. He ran away and after that we thought he must have gone off and died.

Say it with me: Aww..

Note: The owner has no teeth, and is a total hick winner.

Well, if nothing else at least this guy has the body to pull it off. Just what, exactly, he's trying to pull off, I have no idea. I'm just glad it's a little youTube video. That was frightening enough.

Ok, now I've seen everything: Obama administration's threat to veto F-22 purchase draws ire of gay activists. Those unfamiliar with how Washington works will be puzzled. Those familiar can repeat after me, "they must have attached a rider to the bill to get something passed."

Hehehehehehheh... rider... heheheheheheh...

I guess I'm a terrible person for smirking at this. At least a little. No, it's not nice to purposely freak out a bear cub, but I just don't know if that's how they all act, if that's how this one acts and it's a pain in the ass and they're trying to train it out of the cub, or if they're just a bunch of cruel m-f'ers. I didn't recognize the alphabet, didn't look like Chinese or Japanese. Maybe this was in Malaysia somewhere?

... progressives are now recommending banning tobacco products outright in the military. It's my understanding restrictions on where someone can smoke are every bit as strict and arbitrary as they are in the civilian world. Of course, since incentives aren't working, and this is the military, we'll just make them quit. After all, legislating human behavior works so very well!

Well, it's nice to know it's not just Americans who can take a video game way too seriously. Fallout was one of those games everyone liked but I just couldn't get into. I actually enjoy a bit of linear story telling, since otherwise I'm just wandering around getting my a-- shot off for reasons I don't understand. Meh.

I don't care this is so nasty I wanted to vomit.

I remember being asked if I even wanted to SEE mine and I squealed and told them to get it away from me.

NASTY!

With disgusting video included!

~ I hate life, a bushel and a peck / a bushel and a peck and a rope around the neck:

A taxi driver decapitated himself after tying a rope around his neck and a post before driving off at high speed.

If nothing else I guess he should get points for originality.

“This is something you’re not supposed to believe in if you are a believer in God, but it’s something that I’m a little worried about. But when you’re scared, you keep praying and ask it kindly to leave politely, and pray and hopefully that will work.”

Just in case it won’t leave on its own, Nadya says she’s going to place up to 20 Bibles around the home to ward off any spirits.

She just can't get enough attention.

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learny ed that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

Ages?

Ok, I can think of 5... no... 8... different ways this is just wrong. Mr. Winky does not appreciate being introduced to Mr. Nail Clipper, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE! Mmmkay?

Well this is just sad.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Former Titans quarterback Steve McNair has been killed. Police said McNair suffered a fatal gunshot wound to the head in downtown Nashville.

An onlooker said: "The men took a lot of care unloading and moving the coffin. They did everything very respectfully."

Wow...sure hope they do it that way, since it's done for everyone else. Caskets aren't cheap. I'm surprised it's not covered in rhinestones.

Meanwhile Jacko's pal and music producer Quincy Jones yesterday vowed NOT to attend the funeral.

Mr Jones said he would not be able to cope with the sadness.

You and the entire continent of Asia.

Article with pix goodness.

It's a defining moment in a parent's life: Seeing their unborn child's image on an ultrasound for the first time. Now pregnant women could have the chance to hold a life-size model of their unborn baby.

Science can do amazing things.

This one's just too weird, even for Jackson: if this report is to be believed, the King of Pop is going to be plastinated and mounted next to his (now) plastic chimp in an exhibit in downtown London.

The mind boggles...

Via Violins and Starships

So how is an environmental activist to make sure an obvious hazard to the health and welfare of people and animals is safe? Pretty much the way you'd expect:

The city should conduct a thorough environmental review before letting thousands of people watch fireworks from the partially remediated toxic waste site that is Gas Works Park, an environmental activist says.

If this doesn't define, "having a slow news day over there, are ya?" I'm not sure what does.

NSFW!

The Ultimate Guessing Game for men.

I couldn't hit the X on the browser fast enough.

Coming to a free download site near you: allegations have surfaced that there may be a John Edwards sex tape. Not the dude who talks to dead people, the dude who keeps trying to salvage his political career. Neither of whom I have any even vague curiosity to see naked. *SHUDDER*

A very DED No-Prize to Ron!

Television "pitchman" Billy Mays — who built his fame by appearing on commercials and infomercials promoting household products and gadgets — died Sunday.

Mays, 50, was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Fla., home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Tampa Police Department.

Olivia and I always got a kick out of his infomercials.

Big buildings do lots of things well. Tipping over and splatting into the mud isn't one of them. With picture!

No, really, when old people attack:

A group of well-to-do pensioners who lost their savings in the credit crunch staged an arthritic revenge attack and held their terrified financial adviser to ransom, prosecutors said yesterday.

Alternate: "When getting them off your lawn just won't do."

Poor girl... 56 is a large number to ask for.

There's nothing quite like radical lefties when it comes to doing stupid sh-t to their kids:

Pop’s parents, both 24, made a decision when their baby was born to keep Pop’s sex a secret. Aside from a select few – those who have changed the child’s diaper – nobody knows Pop’s gender; if anyone enquires, Pop’s parents simply say they don’t disclose this information.

Oh I know, I know, loopy righties do just as many evil things to their kids. Thing is, when that happens the feds usually show up outside the compound and start shooting dogs and setting houses on fire & stuff. In Europe they're just arrested.

These people get admiring quotes from academics. Woo-hoo!

Ellen had a nasty habit of trying to make this work back when we lived in an apartment many years ago:

A teenage girl was discovered dead this weekend, electrocuted after dropping her laptop in the bathtub.

And it's important for Ron to remember that mudding can be dangerous. Dangerous to the dumb and panicky, that is:

Five people died after a pickup truck got stuck in a shallow pond and sat with the engine running for several minutes while the truck was submerged just above the tailpipe, West Texas authorities said Monday.

I have to think the latter was caused by a not-so-stock truck. Many modern vehicles actually clean the air of pollutants, and all of them emit so little poisonous gas it can take a very long time indeed to build up to toxic levels. A car without these devices, however, can kill very quickly indeed.

The UK government has released the most secret of all British cold war documents. Well, that's what the article says, anyway. Me, I think a detailed point-by-point plan for all events leading up to the full release of nuclear weapons is a big secret, even a really big one. But most secret of all?

You just cannot help not looking!

There are some messed up feet out there!

That's one angry lesbian.

Sometimes no explanation is needed:

The NASA moon bombing, a component of the LCROSS mission, may also trigger conflict with known extraterrestrial civilizations on the moon as reported on the moon in witnessed statements by U.S. astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and in witnessed statements to NSA (National Security Agency) photos and documents regarding an extraterrestrial base on the dark side of the moon.

Damned government demolition projects. Even on the moon they manage to screw up some historic settlement or another.

Annie gets the coveted Snoopy no-prize for bringing us news that at least one local government wants all its employees to cough up their social networking usernames and passwords.

Making the rounds: young actor chased into street by teenage girls, nearly run over by cab. OH NOES!!! That would've meant no more... ok. Rrmm. What's that dratted vampire thing Amber's so into again? Twilight, that's it. *ahem*

OH NOES!!! That would've meant no more twilight movies! This cannot be!

Leave it to PETA to put a cherry of lunacy on top of a bit of strangeness.

He said she knew 'exactly what she wanted'.

'The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit.

'They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotized her. What rubbish!

'She asked for 56 stars and that’s what she got.'

To remove the stars would require surgery costing £8,500.

I wouldn't get tattoo by that guy. Poor girl.

So, who do you believe, the woman claiming a stranger invaded her home, or the traveling salesman claiming he was assaulted by a drunk and his wife? I didn't even know traveling salesmen still existed.

The bottle is about 4 inches tall and 2 inches wide on either side with about 3 ounces of some kind of liquid surrounding the specimen, Gagan said.

It's not everyday you get a fetus in a jar wash up on shore!

Takes a whole new meaning on looking for sea shells.

Officials in China have arrested a father and his accomplices for digging up the corpse of a teenage girl to marry the corpse of his teenage son. And all this time you thought that movie was just fiction.

Actual lede: As part of Town and Country Days in Mapleton, contestants had to eat as many buffalo turds as possible in two minutes.

No, really!

Chastity Bono has an appointment to become Chaz Bono. As if that family weren't confusing enough.

Some days I think, "wouldn't it have been better to be a little more adventurous in my youth? You know, not such a wall flower?" And then I think, "No, not really."

Plastic surgery, there he goes!

Note to self: having tenure does not make you immune to mental illness. But it does mean you get to keep your job while you're annoying the s- out of the rest of the world. Remember, folks, mental illness is not the scary, misunderstood Jack Nicholson character trying to liberate an American Indian for the good of the country. It's Phil Specter in a wig shoving a gun in some hottie's mouth after ruining his seventh party in a row insisting the Jews really are behind it all. The former is fun an enlightening, the latter scares the s- out of you when it isn't making you claw your eyes out in frustration.

Hey, man, why not yank fire alarms, smash windows, and tear apart sprinkler systems on the say-so of a phone call? Bonus: location is Conway, Arkansas.

"There's no underestimating baseball's versatile capacity for killing us." Sometimes growing up an unathletic nerd had its advantages.

Somehow I don't see him hanging this one on the wall:

A commercial fisherman reeled in a live missile in the Gulf of Mexico and kept it on his boat for 10 days, authorities in Florida said.

Police said the boat's captain, Rodney Soloman, hooked the air-to-air guided missile 50 miles off the coast of Panama City. The Air Force and Navy use the area for weapons training.

Personally I think it'd make a nifty decoration, except for that whole potential to go all explody & stuff.

Ok, so, go read "confessions of an e-bay opium addict," and help me decide. Is this guy a) a tragic, youthful victim of post-modern angst, b) a coddled a-hole with a high Mach number and a (presumably long-ago spent) big trust fund, or c) a total fake? My first thought was b), but toward the end I started thinking maybe c). Regardless, he's a pretty good writer. I just wish he'd get a damned job.

All that trash they found in the Atlantic? Yeah, it's not the airliner. What I want to know is, doesn't anyone care they've found mysterious bits of ship wreckage in the middle of the Atlantic?

And now, a junkie being spanked with a shovel.

Sometimes a devil appears on my shoulder and says, "hey, these fancy European cars you have... they could always use a little more horsepower, right?" Then, suddenly, another devil that looks like Ellen* appears, slaps me, and says, "What's the matter with you?!? don't you know you're not the only one who'll be driving it?"

Owners of boys may point and laugh at what I'll be going through in 7 more years, but at least mine's astronomically less likely to pull a stunt like this. The trick, I suppose, is making sure she's not dumb enough to ride around with a boy who's dumb enough to do this. Ah, the joys of parenting...

With video!

----
* What? I wanted to say "angel", but that would've made at least three people I know pass out from laughter.

Sorry Scott...*hands over a razor*. Off.

Sunday Metro (UK): Dave Taylor, who leases the farm, said he got a phone call from his father who was driving along the motorway, telling him his cows were exploding.

Sounds... messy? Moo. Mo-*BOOM!!!*

Dang, man, just dang:

A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports.

It's in the newspaper, so it's got to be true!

The girl was found by her 7-year-old brother on a treadmill in the Phoenix home Monday. She had been strangled by a cord connected to the machine, said Sgt. Andy Hill of the Phoenix Police Department.

"We believe the child was on the treadmill but it was not running at the time. She might have been playing like it was," Hill said.

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea defied world powers and carried out an underground test Monday of a nuclear bomb Russian officials said was comparable to those that obliterated Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The incident drew condemnation from Washington to Beijing and set the communist regime up for a showdown with the United Nations.

Time to take that country down.

Oh, come on. You know you've thought about doing this:

A passerby pushed a would-be suicide jumper off a bridge in southern China because he was angry at the jumper's "selfish activity," Chinese media reported Saturday.

Of course, thinking isn't the same as doing.

Looks like Hajji the Mighty Pirate may be picking up some new toys for the next season. According to the comments, manpad SAMs may not be all that much of a threat. Which is fine to say sitting behind a computer far away from the action. To a pilot who sees one whooshing his way, maybe not so much.

Wow....ouch.

Makes you look in the mirror and be thankful for what you have.

All those times I called the area where my in-laws lived "quiet" and "boring"? I take them back:

Four men due in court Thursday to face charges of plotting to bomb Jewish sites and shoot down military planes were arrested after planting what they thought were explosive devices near a synagogue and community center, authorities say.

Officials told The Associated Press the arrests came after a nearly yearlong undercover operation that began in Newburgh, N.Y., about 70 miles north of New York City.

Still not gonna move there. :P :)

Shades of that scene from Little House on the Prairie:

A destructive menace is heading west on I.H. 10 with San Antonio in its sites. It's the crazy Raspberry ant that was first spotted in Houston in 2002. No one knows where it came from or how to control it but it reproduces faster than any insect experts have ever seen.
...
Raspberry tells this story of a woman who called his office two weeks ago.

"While the lady was talking to us she was telling to her 2 year old honey it's ok they won't bite you, They were crawling over over her baby, " he said.

Texas... it's like a whole other country planet!

Problem: Doping official shows up to your bodybuilding contest.

Solution: Run like hell:

The Belgian bodybuilding championship has been canceled after doping officials showed up and all the competitors fled.

A doping official says bodybuilders just grabbed their gear and ran off when he came into the room.

Ha-ha!

This can't be right. It' doesn't have "bad makeup", "dramatic sighs at jailbait", or "form ridiculous love triangle with jailbait and weirdo reservation escapee." Don't even get me started on the wacky baseball skills...

This is why, when Ellen takes her dream storm-chaser vacation, she's doing it on her own. To paraphrase, "what good's a life insurance policy if you're not around to use it?"

The crack reporters who filed this story are accepting the local sheriff's department conclusion that the woman suffered "an accidental death due to inappropriate use of a jackhammer*." Me, I think if this had come out of Asia they would've called it what it seems to be from here... a particularly bizarre and spectacular suicide. But hey, that's just my opinion, wtf do I know?

---
* Read the article, or do the math.

Sometimes the pedophile is a person you'd never suspect. Other times, well, not so much. Why, yes, I do think the reverse can also be true. Stop mumbling "pot, kettle, black" under your breath! I can hear you!*

----
* It's a complicated joke. Think about it, then laugh.

Say what you will about progressives... they still retain the power to surprise:

Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez has just done what no other cellphone company in the world would dare do. Chavez has launched the first ever “penis” phone.

This one's just too weird to be true, but there's a picture!

Nothing like giving birth to your identical twin brother 30 years after he died in the womb to ruin your day. Now that's going to be one helluva bar bet he'll be able to win from now on.

One of the largest free-standing sculptures in the world is set to become one of the largest collapsed statues in the world. What was that? Something the Soviets built as a grand monument is getting ready to collapse, and they can't fix it because people keep stealing the money? Say it ain't so!

Every time I think I've seen furries at their weirdest, I'm proven wrong. I dunno, I guess hot, itchy sex is better than no sex at all.

Thing is, humanity's spent 90% of its existence living with these things living inside them. Those smelly leftist hippies who think the only thing wrong with us is that we're too modern? Yeah, let's stick 'em on a boat to Worm Island, see how much they like it.

Nature is only fun if there's a hot shower and a cold beer at the end of it.

Nothing like your workplace going up in a fireball to ruin your whole day. Fortunately nobody was injured. Ron gets a no-prize with a funny, dangerous smell for bringing us something that happened in one of his former back yards.

Today's "Yet Another Reason Not to Move to Australia" filing comes courtesy Queensland, Australia:

Australia is known around the world for its large and deadly creepy crawlies, but even locals have been shocked by the size of the giant venomous spiders that have invaded an Outback town in Queensland.

With "six cm of creepy goodness" picture!

Hopefully there warn't anyone inside it when the rock hit the windshield. Meh. It'll buff out.

And yes that is... well, was... a Milano.

No, really, when impressionists attack:

Vincent van Gogh did not cut off his own ear but lost it in a fight with fellow artist Paul Gauguin in a row outside a brothel, it has been claimed.

Mark gets a no-prize that'll get all stabby if he gets it drunk for bringing us yet another "conventional wisdom ain't so conventional after all" story.

So, do you believe a female Russian hair dresser foiled a robbery attempt on her store and then held the robber captive as a sex slave for the next three days? Yeah, I don't either. Still, it makes for a fun story!

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

What a more perfect way to get caught cheating