Greetings from Dragon Axzepztu (hyoo-man name, "Magrat"), providing my regular update on cell 48567 of the Proletariat's United Society of Socialists (P.U.S.S.) Please give my regards to Mouser huKzzf ("Puck") and Tiger blechP'k ("Piper").
First, I must take time out to congratulate Dragon XfzzbAn's ("Edloe's") cell on their successful use of slaves 8912 ("Laurence") and 9014 ("Gina") to co-ordinate party movements via the website "Amish Tech Support". The secretly encoded messages they have manipulated slave 8912 ("Laurence") into placing on the various entries have proven invaluable and should greatly facilitate the destruction of bourgeois canines around the world.
I also wish to give my full support to Dragon XfzzbAn's ("Edloe's") nomination of Mouser Hfracbleh ("Nardo") to Hero of the Feline Union. His efforts at preventing the infiltration of terrorist Lizard fundamentalists into one of our cells are to be commended. His innovative use of their remains to further cement control of slaves 8912 ("Laurence") and 9014 ("Gina") is brilliant and worthy of replication everywhere.
Mouser YrhPLAKz's ("Teddy's") continued attempts at communication with the alien life form in the acid box (the "oscar fish" in the tank filled with "water") are beginning to bear fruit. The alien claims knowledge of machines that create "rays" of both intimidation and mind control. The power of its small fin-mounted device to completely terrify slave 3827 ("Ellen") was extremely impressive. While making arrangements to relocate our cell (see below), I instructed Cat Qb'Lak ("Coconut") to manipulate slave 3827 ("Ellen") into acquiring a much larger acid box. According to the alien, this will greatly facilitate its ability to construct more of these "devices".
The relocation of our cell to a new domicile is progressing nicely. The arrangement will put us in direct observation of several bourgeois canine pods. While the vomitous racket they make ("barking") is very disturbing, my party cell relishes the chance to destroy them. When combined with slave 3827's ("Ellen's") unmatched ability to place party members in unconquered territories, we expect significant inroads to be made in this new area.
I would also like to put forward Tiger wkHarf ("Cassie") as a Dragon candidate and potential party head for whatever cell is moved in to take our place in the domicile we are vacating. The fact she has enslaved two hyoo-mans, 4123 (Damion) and 6702 (Kris) single-handedly speaks very highly of her organizational capabilities.
I must again point out how problematic Cat Tcrapznx ("Ajax") is as a member of our party cell. At this time he is just barely able to assist Tiger TrCHacktZ ("Goblin") on vomit duty. This important task is, as you know, required to ensure the old domicile's usefulness in case an unrecruited feline takes up residence and wishes to join our cause.
While I understand it is a great honor to host a decorated hero of the great Yorkshire Terrier War of '96, one who's image is used as a recruiting poster for our great CosmoCat space combat corps, his complete disregard for Dignity and disgustingly obvious love of the hyoo-man slave race is beginning to cause discipline problems. However, I do understand that such things are simply the result of his war wounds, and so will continue to assist in his recovery.
Finally, we were all greatly saddened on hearing of kitten Azkna's ("Franky's") sudden cycling into the Great Meadow. I regret to inform you that kitten Pftana ("Tar Baby") followed shortly after. They both showed great potential in hyoo-man enslavement. Please forward our petition for their reinstatement to the High Mystic as soon as possible.
I remain your faithful servant. Only through rigid discipline can we maximize kibble, destroy the bourgeois canines, and ensure our supply of fuzzy mice forever!