So, while I did learn a lot about cycling this season, at least as important was learning how to make The Perfect BLT. As a reward and refueling, I allowed myself a fresh BLT from the downstairs cafeteria. It was only when the regular cook was gone and a substitute (BRIEFLY) took his place that I realized not just anyone could do it right.

Now that my main bike season is over, I've been BLT-less at work. However, after several weeks of quietly collecting tools and ingredients, I took a shot at doing it myself and ALMOST got it right, on the very first try! I'm sure you'll all be shocked to hear Ellen has noted I'm not the brightest bulb in the bunch when it comes to cooking, but if I see it made in front of me a few times, I pick it up fast enough. SO... here's my almost perfected recipe for the perfect BLT:

HARDWARE:

• Toaster, actual (no ovens!)
• Non-stick frying pan
• Gas stove
• Serrated knife
• Ketchup-style squeeze bottle (think hot-dog stand)

SOFTWARE:

• Large, fresh tomatoes
• Fresh, cold lettuce
• Cheap, thin-sliced bacon
• White bread
• Real mayen-- mayonnn-- meyon... MAYO

PROCEDURE:

• Fry the bacon up VERY crispy. KEEP IT WARM, either in a warmer or on top of an improvised double-boiler*
• Slice the tomatoes up VERY thin. Think "three playing cards thick or less."
• Set the toaster to medium-dark, and drop two slices in.
• Once the toast pops, pull immediately and squeeze a bead of mayo in a back-and-forth V on each slice, about six passes, thick as "Happy Birthday" is written on a cake
• Place two leaves of lettuce, enough tomato slices to cover one slice of bread (two, for me), and six to eight (no, really) bacon slices. Break and tear (respectively) bacon and lettuce to neatly cover. Place the other slice of bread over, push down with your whole hand gently, and cut diagonally. Serve immediately.

Ok, I need to find a better knife for the final slice. My knife cut the tomato fine, but was too harsh to make a nice split on the finished sandwich. My first try LOOKED retarded, but tasted JUST right.

Put it this way. Most of the time when I get creative in the kitchen, Ellen pokes at the result in the same way a chimpanzee examines a dead mouse. This time, she didn't even slow down when AMBER called. Heck, even the tortoise went after the bits of bacon that fell into her bowl. And Swoozie? Oh, we only thought french fries were her favorite food.

SO... there you have it. I'm sure you either knew all about this, or have an even BETTER technique. This is mine, taught to me (without knowledge or intent) by a short-order master. And it is so very, very good...

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* Ok, so everything was going fine until our decrepit microwave, which also doubles as our kitchen vent, went KA-POW!!! and caused the breaker to throw downstairs, which killed the oven's warming tray (the oven's gas, but some part of the tray isn't, and they share the same circuit). A boiling pot of water with a metal bowl on top of it did just as well to keep "teh bayhcon" warm.