Why Me?

I must have a rolling LED sign on my head that says, “Weirdos! Talk To Me! Tell me about your life! Tell me every detail of it and I will pretend to acknowledge you and nod my head in agreement to your asinine stories!”

What better place to have a weirdo talk to you but your friendly reptile vet’s office? There must be a rule somewhere, that in order for one to own an ‘exotic’ pet, one must be more exotic than what one owns. Sometimes “exotic” isn’t a good thing. Case in point…

Dude: “What kind of bird is that?” Pointing to me.

Note: “Dude” has a parrot in a clear plastic Rubbermaid tub with a green towel on top. No, really…

Me: “It’s a Pionus.”

Dude: “My bird is here for tests,” then he leans into me, “expensive tests.”

Nice. Did I ask you about your bird? Can’t you see I’m trying to read February’s Reptile Magazine?

Then he leans in again.

Dude: “You must be the one with the PIONUS car.”

Wow, you can read. Please lean away; you scare me, and you smell.

Me: “Yep, that would be me.”

Dude: “I have that Subaru out there. It’s fast.”

So I lean across him to look out the window. Some sorta Subaru WXY867-5309. Blue. No ridiculous wing on the back, so it’s not that “God Car” Scott’s sometimes talks about.

Me: “Yes, that is a Subaru.”

Dude: “So… Alfa Romeo.”

Me: “…” (on the inside, thinking: “yes…and your point is?”)

Dude: “I bet my Subaru can take your Alfa.”

Do I really give a shit? You really smell and your bird is loud. And in a plastic box. Where are your eyes? Can you see out of your hair to drive your Subaru?

Me: “Hmm... No... Actually, no. I don’t think it can.”

Dude: “I have a blah blah blah….” *my eyes glaze at this point* “engine that has—“

Me: “Is it pretty?”

Dude: “What is?”

Me: “The engine. Is it pretty?”

Dude: “Why do I want to see if the engine is pretty?”

Me: “Exactly.”

And here, as they say, endeth the lesson.