July 10, 2004
Parenting 101-Your First Year

  • Men don't wash toddlers, they soak them. Like tea bags. You can always tell how deep the tub was by the scum line on their chest.
  • The one who smells it, changes it.
  • Being a parent means learning how to breathe through your mouth. A lot.
  • Our child is odd. Yours is too!
  • Cat food is a special treat when mommy and daddy are not looking.
  • Clean, what does clean mean?
  • We have our own weather system in the house. It's called Hurricane Olivia.
  • Cheese balls are your friend. Especially when bought in bulk.
  • Cats like cheese balls too.
  • Cheese balls turn white cats orange. This was Olivia's first scientific experiment.
  • Vacuum cleaner hoses are the perfect place to hide your extra cheese balls.
  • You may be married, you may have a house, you may have a car, your parents still yell at you.
  • Your child is they only reason they visit you now.
  • Cat boxes are NOT sand boxes!
  • You can never have too many binkies! (pacifiers)
  • You have 50 binkies in your house (at $2.25 each) and you can only find 4 at a time.
  • With high chairs, you can judge how much your child ate by the amount of food you find under their butt.
  • Learn to tip well at restaraunts, because they have to call in the cleaning crew to clean up under your child's chair.
  • Every household should have the "Redneck's Home Remedy Kit": cotton swabs and Wild Turkey.
  • M&M's are really "baby crack".
  • Friends? What friends? Oh! Those are the ones running away screaming.
  • "NO!!!" is the first word every child learns.
  • You can tell, because they grin when you say it.

Up next: When your child's monitor picks up some other baby in the neighborhood.

Posted by Ellen at July 10, 2004 06:54 PM

eMail this entry!

I won't tell you about the time I was visiting a friend and the baby monitor picked up the sound of the neighbors having at it...

Posted by: Liz Ditz on July 11, 2004 01:48 AM

HEY NOW!! We have yet to run screaming! Driving maybe but not running. ;o)

Posted by: carrie on July 11, 2004 09:30 PM

For your next few years, here is a short 411:

Toddlers are tornados, Tornado JT hits several different places, at differnt times each day. (not hurricanes, because things aren't wet with drool anymore)
You won't need a tape recorder, your child will repeat everything you say; especially about someone you made a rude comment to that someone.
Hot dogs and chicken nuggets everyday. Buy stock!
Don't give the toy from the fast food meal until the food has been eaten. That way they eat, vice play.

Posted by: Cindy on July 11, 2004 10:17 PM

so funny because it's so true! Just wait for Parenting 201, the second year!

Posted by: VHMPrincess on July 12, 2004 12:32 PM
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