November 23, 2003
Cleaning Evil in 10 Easy Steps

About every month (ok this time it was 2 months) I spend an evening with Scott to clean out Oscar's tank. The cats think this is the best time ever! 'Cause they get to check out all the gunk traveling through the Python TM* into the sink. This time Ajax literally sat on the hose waiting while we got everything ready. He didn't want to miss a second.

How to Clean a Satanic, Homicidal Fish's Tank in 10 Easy Steps:

Step 1. Find Oscar in tank and start working at opposite end. Because a two-pound trout wannabe with no teeth is scary. No, really! Oh sit down.

Step 2. Scrub tank with very long aquarium scrubbing stick to ensure maximum distance from the Oscar. Smack husband when he notes without very long aquarium stick "vertically challenged" wife would need scuba gear to clean tank.

Step 3. Start feeling bad at amount of nasty weird glop being sucked out of tank because you have not cleaned fish in 2 months. Stop feeling bad because Oscars in wild live in dirty rivers.

Step 4. Yell at husband because bathroom is flooding a-la Brady Bunch episode due to water pressure from Python TM. Make note to self as husband giggles "soap suds! We need soap suds!" to never allow wine before tank cleaning.

Step 5. Laugh at cats chasing all the nasty shit running throught tube. Get grossed out when some meat plug has stopped up sink.

Step 6. Attempt to hold back vomit while cleaning out swamp-thing-meets-monsTurd-scented old filter.

Step 7. Ponder if you should add Stress Coat TM** or see what happens to fish if you don't use it. Realize fish was once stuck to kitchen floor and was dried out before rehydrating it last year, so probably wouldn't make much difference to Dirty Harry fish.

Step 8. Argue with husband on how far tank should be filled up. Keep eye on wine-wobbly husband who doesn't seem to realize fish tanks don't have emergency drains while rebuilding fish filter pump.

Step 9. Rearrange plastic plants in tank with long stick. Yell at fish attacking stick because you are planting fake Amazon in the wrong spot. Realize it's all pointless, because evil fish arranges tank as he pleases when he pleases.

Step 10. Figure out you have to do this again in a month... or two.

Posted by Ellen at November 23, 2003 09:27 PM

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