May 11, 2003
Maternity Undergarments

I want to know, who the hell invented the maternity bra? Was this a guy too? What, once you're pregnant and nursing a baby, your boobs are no longer seen as some sexual side of you? Seems you get punished with the ugliest piece of underwear on the face of the earth.

Women (well most women... some women... ok, this woman) like to be lacy, silky, satiny, ect... not frumpy, 100% hemp or cotton or whatever 'natural' fibers there are out there. I am not a hippie! I don't like the idea of a bra clasp 3 inches wide that has 5 settings to choose from. It looks like a hatch on a battleship. Only uglier.

It had to be guy who invented the maternity bra. Maybe there was one woman on the design team saying, "at least put some sort of eyelet lace or embroider some flowers on it for god's sake," but she must've gotten voted down.

Was it also a man's idea to just shove these bras into a plastic bag, and hang them in some kind of maternity ghetto in the lingerie section? It was like a treasure hunt looking for this thing. Scott and I danced in the aisle when we found the "X" marks the spot on the wall. Well, ok, I did. Scott was busy staring at the wonderbra section (*bop*).

There we were, surrounded by frilly lingerie, and we were looking at plastic bags with these puritan things stuffed in them. Bras with a purpose. Bras that are meant to hold up bowling balls for boobs. Bras that have these 'convenient' trap door openings so you do not have to disassemble yourself completely to nurse your baby. You just let down the trap and you're all set. Mind you, these trap doors have 3, count them 3 settings to choose from. They're expandable. Just in case you get larger than anticipated.

Shopping for your size can also be a bit odd. Take me for example (I really don't give a shit if I give you my bust size.) You are supposed to measure right under your boobs, and add 3. This is your bust size. If you are an odd number, round it up to the next even. Hence a 34 is really a 37 but you need to round to 38. Then you are to measure across your boobs, take that number and subtract your bust line measurement to that and VOILA! your cup size is determined by how many inches you vary between your boobs and your ribcage. Scott says it's easier to figure out gear ratios and overbore sizes. Whatever the hell those are.

This is where we scanned the wall searching for this odd size. The entire time we are saying, "Oh boy, look at this one! 52DDD!", "Dear god! They get that big!?"

We manage to find 2 bras. Basic. Boring. But a needed maternity essential apparently.

I take my 2 plastic bags with bras in them home. I try one on, it fits. It's not pretty. There's no cleavage showing! I mean, isn't that one of the highlights of the magic pregnant boobies?!? Everything is covered up. I try out the trap doors. Yep, they work, opening and closing with the same clasps that hold the back of the bra. I kept expecting to hear that dive klaxon you get on those old W.W.II movies, or maybe that crazy alarm from one of Scott's video games. **GRAUNK** **GRAUNK** **GRAUNK** WARNING. WARNING. BREAST HATCH OPENING. STAND CLEAR. **GRAUNK** **GRAUNK** **GRAUNK**

I show the bra to Scott. "Well? What do you think?" He looks at me. *Blink* *Blink*

"Is it comfortable?" he asks.

"Well yeah, but how does it look?"

*Blink Blink*

"Um... nice?"

I sigh.

"It's not supposed to be pretty Ellen, It's functional" he says.

That tears it. These things have got to be designed by a guy. I go back up the stairs, doomed to the land of ugly panty problems for the next several months.

But I won't give up my thongs. The line must be drawn here!!!

Posted by Ellen at May 11, 2003 05:44 PM

eMail this entry!

Fine, Miss Smartycups, why don't YOU design one then?

Posted by: Laurence Simon on May 11, 2003 06:24 PM

Hrrmm.... maybe I will! ;)

Posted by: Ellen on May 11, 2003 06:25 PM

Hey, you want those trap doors, baby. That whole tryingtogetanengorgedbreastfromthecup thing is more difficult - and painful - than you think!

You need to check out other stores. Not EVERY nursing bra is butt ugly. Some are worse.

Posted by: Da Goddess on May 11, 2003 07:10 PM

Oh E! Maybe you could design a pretty maternity bra and make a million, billion dollars. You would have the graditude of women all over the world. lol

Posted by: Pat on May 11, 2003 07:13 PM

Oh know us men...tragically addicted to unsexy undergarments. I'm more inclined to think it was designed by hairy-armpitted lesbian know, anything to keep The Man unarroused.

It's 5:30 in the morning and I'm commenting on unsexy maternity bras while I wait for a frozen pizza to I never saw that coming when I was 16.

Posted by: Thug Booted Jack on May 12, 2003 08:28 AM

you forgot to mention the expense..... they cost a fortune & 1/2... I thought we were going to have to mortgage the kid to get her a few of those things. She started off big-breasted and got bigger (I didn't think it was possible!) when Abby was born.... She was actually happy for the extra support. She used to be like you... frilly, lacy things... when Abby was born, that went to "Damn! This shit hurts... give me the frumpy ugly thing that WORKS!"

Posted by: Jim S on May 12, 2003 09:47 AM

They may be ugly, but they have enough support that you'll go back to your original shape after this is all over instead of having them hanging down around your ankles....cuz it really hurts when you trip over one, trust me on that one.

: )

Posted by: Rita on May 12, 2003 03:04 PM

There are pretty maternity and nursing bras out there. Really! Check out this page...

Posted by: jennifer and the beans on May 12, 2003 04:35 PM

Wear what makes you feel good. It doesn't have to be a maternity/nursing bra. A front-closure bra does the trick just as well. Just make sure it fits right.

Posted by: Rue on May 12, 2003 06:29 PM

Front-closure bras are not so great, because while you're nursing on one side, the other side is disappearing around your back. Kind of a pain to get everything put back together after the meal. ;) I just saw this and thought of you, however...
"French Quarter" nursing lingerie.

Posted by: jennifer and the beans on May 14, 2003 09:47 AM

Oh, and you'll most likely never go back to your original shape. That's not cuz of the nursing or cuz of the bras or lack of bras or bad bras or good bras or whatever. Your breasts change during pregnancy, permanently. They'll get bigger during nursing, then may get smaller (even smaller than pre-pregnancy) after weaning. They also get softer and less... *sigh* Less firm and nubile. Forever. *snif* Again, pregnancy does that (just in case anyone thought they could retain their 17-year-old body's perfect cherry cupcakes by bottlefeeding).

Posted by: jennifer and the beans on May 14, 2003 09:51 AM

Ellen - check out Pea in the Pod (, I found some very pretty, lacy bras with good support AND cleavage there.

Also, when I was nursing, I simply wore a front-hook sports bra that was a little looser than I really needed. I would just pull the top of the cup down under my boob, whip the thing out and let the kid go. Never had to unhook and there was enough room to put a pad in, which I needed because mine were like Old Faithful.

Mine never did go back to their original size - they're bigger! I was 34B-C when I got pregnant, hit 38D within a month, was 40D when I delivered and at one point while nursing was 42DD! And I'm 5'1 and 110 lb! After weaning, they eventually went back to a 38C-D. GO figure - all my female relatives didn't nurse, and lost whatever they had before. My cousin said, If I had one more kid I'd be inverted!

Good luck and best wishes -

Posted by: sofia on May 15, 2003 07:15 PM

Thanks for everyones information! :) I appreciate it.

Posted by: Ellen on May 15, 2003 07:37 PM
Post a comment

Email Address:



Remember info?