Wherein, our Hero Learns How to Punch 1/4" Holes into His Ceiling with Most Amusing Results

How to put up a pot rack in 44 easy steps:
(Or rather, how I put up a pot rack in 44 not-so-easy, life-and-limb-threatening steps):

1. Wait until wife leaves for work. This is critically important step so as to maximize efficiency and minimize number of times one is called "asshat".
2. Remove pot rack from garage.
3. Return to garage to find pot rack instructions.
4. Search for 20 minutes.
5. Give up, rely instead on memory of instructions (how hard can it be?)
6. Place rack in approximate hanging place on kitchen counter, right over kitchen sink.
7. Play "where did my wife hide the plumb-bob?" game for 15 minutes searching for said item.
8. Discover cats have determined plumb bob much better served by placing behind nearby box stack instead of in sack where wife helpfully placed it two days earlier.
9. Discover that counter is a lot harder than it looks while bruising knees attempting to climb up on said counter.
10. Boot cat A off counter in attempt to demonstrate plumb bob is not simply shiny metal mouse held in interesting spot by human slave.
11. Use plumb bob to carefully measure where first hook needs to go by hanging said item from long string and letting plumb bob point at spot on rack where hanging hook will go.
12. Pat self on back for remembering this bit of instruction, as it is much easier than using too-short, colorfully swearing New York Italian wife as assistant.
13. Bump pot rack while attempting to reposition self for second of four measurements.
14. Discover foot makes for lousy repositioning device while spending next 10 minutes ensuring pot rack mounting point is still under first mark.
15. Measure and mark other three spots making sure not to bump rack again.
16. Bump it twice more anyway.
17. Smudge ceiling with grimy hands while scrabbling desperately to save life by not falling off counter and breaking neck.
18. Make plans to clean ceiling as it is well known wife will not be sympathetic to heroic self-rescue and will instead wonder "what the f*** is all over my ceiling?!?"
19. Screw hanging hooks into ceiling. Note Johnson luck holds well as none of four hooks actually finds joist in roof.
20. Pat self on back for having plan B of drywall anchors, screws, and washers.
21. Spend next 20 minutes searching for various bits required to implement plan B.
22. Do Tim Allen imitation while using spiffy new orange cordless electric drill to place three anchors, screws, washers, and pot rack chains into ceiling.
23. Note Johnson luck continues to hold true as fourth, and last, anchor refuses to be pushed into ceiling.
24. Find out instructions say "do not use hammer on anchor" because said hammer collapses anchor into tiny impressionistic art statue.
25. Carefully reposition self for maximum leverage and gorilla new anchor into place with power drill assistance.
26. Continue cave-man methodology by forcing screw-washer-chain combo into anchor despite significant resistance.
27. On a hunch, tug on chain to ensure security.
28. Pull entire anchor assembly out of ceiling.
29. Peer inside new perfectly circular, impossible-to-spackle-over, 1/4" hole in ceiling to see tiniest edge of joist on one side.
30. Move anchor assembly 1/4" inward and set it perfectly while coming up with good story to tell about spy-camera like hole in ceiling.
31. Remove S-hooks from bag.
32. Drop one S-hook in water-filled, sort-of-empty, extremely fragrant catfood can helpfully placed in sink by obsessively recycle crazed wife.
33. Place this hook securely in pocket so as not to place in mouth.
34. Wrestle with hooks and chains for five shoulder-aching minutes while placing three hooks into rack.
35. Drop fourth hook onto floor while attempting to fish it out of pocket.
36. Prove it is quite possible to use the "f-word" four times in one sentence while quickly jumping down, snatching hook, and jumping back before rack has chance to fall over.
37. Retrieve center grille for middle portion of rack.
38. Figure out after five minutes of trying that center grille needs to go into rack before actually hanging it.
39. Colorfully wonder out loud about the validity of organized religion while un-hanging rack, placing grille, then re-hanging rack over next fifteen minutes.
40. Pat self on back for removing cat food can as two hooks at various points drop into sink below.
41. Make loud proclamation questioning own parentage and heritage as another hook makes near-miraculous hole-in-one straight down disposal throat.
42. Fish this out and finally finish hanging rack.
43. Hang several pots, but after careful consideration leave 15-pound cast iron skillet on stove.
44. Receive get-out-of-jail-free-for-thirty-minutes card (double normal length!) from wife when she arrives home.

Remember kids, don't try this at home!