October 11, 2002
How to Talk to Tech Support
- Do not tell us you are bad with computers. Do not tell us you are good with computers. We'll be able to figure it out for ourselves very quickly.
- Be specific. Do not start your conversation with: "my... um... well, you see, when I do something to it... well... it doesn't... do" or "I'm trying to do this thing and it's not letting me" or any such thing along these lines. We are not psychic. Assume we know n-o-t-h-i-n-g about your problem, because we don't.
- Error messages are useful. Write them down exactly as they appear on the screen.
- Restart the computer before you call. Trust us, just do it.
- Do not restart the computer more than once. This isn't a loose wire. Restarting multiple times won't make it "get closer" to being fixed.
- Yes, yes, we know you've already done what we're telling you to do, perhaps more than once. We're orienting ourselves within your system, and we're making sure you actually did do these things.
- Tell us what it is doing, don't tell us what you think is wrong. If you already know what's wrong, why are you calling us?
- See if you can make the problem happen somehow. Regular, traceable bugs are dead bugs. Irregular bugs live forever.
- Be polite, be civil, be professional. The person you're talking to had little or nothing to do with the creation of your system, and even less to do with what's making it go wrong.
- Yelling, swearing, insulting, or being snide just makes you sound like a childish moron and guarantees you and your call will end up being ridiculed by the entire staff.
- We are well aware that this problem is important to you, that the very existence of our city, our country, our civilization, the entire universe depends on whether or not you get your document to print in the next two minutes (and yes, you really do sound like this). Explicitly reminding us, several times, just pisses us off.
- Do what we tell you to, as we tell you to do it. DO NOT assume you know what the next step is and then do it. Your computer is broken. This means we're going to be doing both expected and unexpected things to try and fix it.
- Try to do some research. Go onto google and search using the text of your error message. Go onto our website and search through our tech documents doing the same thing. The answer is almost always there already.
- Read the manual. READ. THE. MANUAL.
- Do not call us because you do not feel like doing the two steps above, or because you think calling us is faster than doing the two steps above. We're trying to help people with problems, not hold the hands of lazy buffoons.
- There's a pretty good chance the person on the other end of the line doesn't have any more of a clue than you do. Most first-line techs are reading from scripts. NONE of them will be the person who created the computer or the program causing trouble. Adjust your attitude and expectations accordingly.
- If you have a friend or relative or spouse who does all your tech support, it's always an extremely good idea to, without any prompting from us at all, provide cases of good beer, bottles of nice wine, or gift certificates to pleasant restaurants as a reward if we manage to fix a problem for you. You don't have to, but it's nice.
Posted by scott at October 11, 2002 01:33 PM
eMail this entry!
Serial numbers. Can't forget them.
Amen. I'm soooo tired of hearing the phrase starting with....."It won't let me...etc." As if the computer is alive and doesn't like them for some reason!
yeah, but.... I NEED to get this printed NOW... I already uplugged the computer, rebooted it and it still won't DO...
the power here in the building is out, but I doubt that has anything to do with my problem!!!!!
If you are deleting programs (or other stuff), make sure that you know exactly what you are deleting and that it won't affect your OS in any way! Although I live for the times that friends call me for "tech support" that doesn't mean you have to intentionally create problems like "it won't boot up at all - I must have deleted a file that it needs."
Oh, and if you just absolutely must delete a file neccesary for the OS to run, make sure you don't have any rescue disks - it makes my life exciting! Can you tell I just got this type of phone call tonight?
The best ones are when they delete a file and then can't remember the name. MORON: "Umm... I've lost this really important file, I need it right away"
Me: "That's fine. What was the file's name?"
MORON: "Name? Name... um... it had a name?"
Me: "Yes, you had to give it a name when you saved it."
MORON: "Isn't there a way we can go through the files. I can't remember the name but I know what's in it"
Me: "Sure!" (mouse clicks) "Here's the top of your network drive. You'll need to go through each file and see if it's the one you're looking for."
MORON: "But there are hundreds of files!"
Me: "Yup. That's why it's good to remember the file names. Have a nice day!"
OK, I know I am one of the morons, BUT if you go into cardiac arrest, stop breathing, in other words,go into a code situation I bet you hope I am there to save your butt, Bubba! LOL
