October 09, 2002
Break Like the Wind

One of the disadvantages of being a short chick is that when you spoon your husband, his ass is way too fucking close to your head. It's not like you get this great ripping whomp noise, like a Mexican riceburner on a bad day after Paco's brother forgot to tighten up the muffler brackets on that "gives you extra 50 horsepower" coffee can muffler. It's more of this silent, yet deadly, effect, like the hiss of a mustard gas canister into a muddy trench after you've loaned your gasmask to the guy who went over the side and never came back.

I'm sure all you wives and/or girlfriends know about this horrible experience. You're at the verge of falling into a deep, dark sleep, when suddenly you feel his body tense, and then "it" comes out. Only rarely is there enough of a warning noise to let you know you must roll over now or face the consequences. Most of the time, most of the time, it's this deadly, silent hiss. A smell so bad, so foul, you don't even have time to hold your breath. So bad I don't normally have to go to the salon to have my eyebrows waxed. Usually the offending, and I mean offending, party, is so sound asleep they haven't even stopped snoring.

Normally, the rule in our house is "if thou must pass gas, thou shalt hang thine ass out of thine covers". But when it's three in the morning, and you're so tired you can't tell if it's just a bad dream, well, more drastic measures have to be taken.

Actually, the least effective action is to punch the offending party a few times saying, "you just farted on my face you fucking ass, what the fuck is wrong with you?!?" This does not work because all the offending party does is snort a few times, roll over, and attempt to hug you to make you "all better". Of course, this does not get your eyebrows back. Sometimes it scares the cats away.

Far more effective is to simply get up and grab your can of lysol (you do have a can of lysol next to the bed, yes? If not, you're obviously not married yet) immediately yank the covers away, and spray at point blank range. That's right girls, aim for the red eye! If you play you cards right, you'll get an extremely satisfying snort!!! as the hypercold mist encounters an ever-so-sensitive region of their anatomy.

Unfortunately, I'm sure every female who's ever slept with one knows this, the male species's exhaust seems to have an almost velcro-like quality upon everything it happens to touch. It's simply not good enough to spray his ass. You must also spray the air, the comforter, the sheets, the body pillow, the nightgown, and occasionally the cats. Never forget to loudly exclaim, "goddamit motherfucker what the fuck is wrong with you?!? Does your digestive tract pass Love Canal?!? I'd rather change litter boxes all day than deal with this shit!!!" Be sure to open the window and gasp theatrically at the screen. Make sure you open it good and wide because the cats will be joining you.

Not only does Scott fall into category of "silent, yet deadly", he also has "rips the sheets apart" mode as well. Something we both still laugh at is the time he crawled into bed, snuggled up really nice and romantically to me, and then pulled the lanyard on the Titanic's horn. I jumped almost vertically a good six inches off the mattress, and went rigid enough to throw no fewer than two cats off the bed.

At least he had the decency to get me flowers the next day. What category does your man fall into?

Posted by Ellen at October 09, 2002 07:40 PM

eMail this entry!

There are some advantages to being single!!!! Of course I have this 17 year old weiner dog who cuts a big one and then turns and looks at his butt as if to say "Butt, did you do that?" ROTFLMAOPIMP

Posted by: Pat on October 9, 2002 10:03 PM

Oh my goodness, i'm crying!!! Hilarious! In my household it's the other way around. I'll have to try the lysol trick. Our cat won't sleep on the bed but the dog sleeps under the covers and is totally unaffected by the SBD...

Posted by: Dave Worley on October 10, 2002 12:19 AM

Oh my goodness, my boyfriend's just like that. Except he proudly lets me know when he's farted, and doesn't buy me flowers.

Posted by: andrea on October 10, 2002 02:07 AM

I wish there was a way to end flatulence. Alas, the only man who does not fart is one who is dead and mummified. We can control it well enough when we're awake, at least to make it to the bathroom, but when we're asleep, our sphincters are as relaxed as the rest of our body.

I've experimented with special diets (they don't work, and the veggies that are usually a core component of these diets make the problem worse), and internal deodorizers (apparently they give up somewhere in the espohagus). Nothing seems to work.

So, I've pretty much accepted that flatulence is a permenant part of my life. Just like bachelorhood.

Posted by: Tatterdemalian on October 10, 2002 04:07 AM

Try taking simethacone tabs, I think mylacon is a brand name. Can't possibly hurt you it is given to babies with colic. Also old farts!

pnjsmurff RN

Posted by: Pat on October 10, 2002 05:41 PM

Try taking simethacone tabs, I think mylacon is a brand name. Can't possibly hurt you it is given to babies with colic. Also old farts!

pnjsmurff RN

Posted by: Pat on October 10, 2002 05:41 PM

Ooops! sorry for the clone post!!!

Posted by: Pat on October 10, 2002 05:42 PM

I snuggle and then tuck the bedsheet under my chin to create a seal, occasionally kicking the sheet up at the end of the bed to let out the accumulated essence of our combined offenders.
Because when you're both gassy cats, there's no revenge, only survival.

Posted by: Bill on October 16, 2002 10:06 AM

I know this is wayyy late, but I just read this post and I have to tell you, I was hysterical with laughter. You are SO right on spot.
Now I don't feel so alone in my nightly misery.
Thanks for the gut-bustin' guffaws...

Posted by: Suze on March 17, 2003 06:31 PM

I agree with Suze above.. Ellen, thanks so much for not only the laughter {needed it at 7 mos preg in mid-summer} but the validation/acknowledgement.. Now, if I could only get the flowers that would be nice :)..

Hugz.. & Adios..

Posted by: Aurorę on June 10, 2003 02:15 PM

Luv your comments, what the hell's Lysol though? Is it some US thing? (I live in England) also, are you the eloquent Scott(who has so many opinions on this site)'s wife or are you married to another Scott?

Posted by: Dave on February 25, 2004 06:19 AM

Lysol is a spray disinfectant/deodorizer. I can't think of anything unique the UK might have that is equivalent. It tried hard to smell like an air freshener, but usually ends up smelling like a hospital laundry room.

Yes, Ellen and I are married. :)

Posted by: scott on February 25, 2004 07:54 AM

Well - I am guilty of this. Actually, past guilty, because I'll actually 'fluff' the sheets at Amber when she doesn't expect it. It's always amusing to hear her scream bloody murder...

Another fun trick came with the advent of automatic windows. I'll lock the windows so she can't roll it down and then let one go. All I see is the look on her face go from nice and happy to completely disgusted, trying to hold her breath, not vomit, to angry all in the space of 1.2 milliseconds.

Last fun trick is done in a store. Amber will be a bit behind me looking at something. Then, I'll let one pass and stand there for a bit so it gets a chance to concentrate itself in one spot. Then I slowly move back, waiting for her to walk to me. Always amusing...


Posted by: Ron on March 1, 2004 06:17 PM

My comment is in respone to Ron's entry. All I know is that I am the victim here. I dont know what happens to the wonderful meals that I cook for him. From the time it enters his mouth,till the time it transitions in his small and large intestine into a foul, nauseating, eye burning,sulfurous noxious cloud of toxic fumes. He used to be polite and roll down his car windows, now 1 year later he LOCKS them. Hummm? I think this is some kind of abuse. We are not married, but mark my words our vows will contain--Love, honor, cherish, I will sew your ass shut it you keep it up there Sweetie Pie!!!

Posted by: Amber on March 1, 2004 09:32 PM

I was watching the show on Tuesday Nov. 16 there was a book that was on the show that I would like to purchase could you please tell me the name and auther of the book.

Posted by: Shelia Young on November 17, 2004 09:21 AM

He needs to take a good shit, woman!!
I have found that if I have gas, once I take a good shit, the gas that is left is very much reduced in "colour" shall we say?

Posted by: Dave on February 20, 2005 11:28 AM

hiya, I've only just come across your site....absolutely hilarious!!! I suppose the only good thing is that he's not 'gassing' you on purpose and shoving your head under the duvet to knock you out from the fumes!

Posted by: Mindy on February 16, 2006 05:33 PM

LMFAO I ended up at this site because I am trying to fix hubbys smell..My husband is very hygenic yet he seems to always smell like ass....I cant even roll over and hold him anymore...I don't want to hurt his feelings but want to find out what is causing it and what can be done to fix it...kinda reminds me of a cat we had once that was clean but had strong odor about him

Posted by: gloria on April 20, 2007 10:05 AM

I'm still laughing and crying, haven't done that in awhile that i know of, lol. Great story. I will not be sending this to my wife, hehe:) Great story!

Posted by: Bill on July 12, 2007 03:31 PM

I'm still laughing and crying, haven't done that in awhile that i know of, lol. Great story. I will not be sending this to my wife, hehe:) Great story!

Posted by: Bill on July 12, 2007 03:31 PM

I'm still laughing and crying, haven't done that in awhile that i know of, lol. Great story. I will not be sending this to my wife, hehe:) Great story!

Posted by: Bill on July 12, 2007 03:31 PM
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