There's an episode of Happy Days I remember that reminds me a lot of the way I deal with computers. This was toward the end of the series run, well after they'd "jumped the shark". Fonze decided he'd become a teacher, complete with (as I recall... I only saw the episode once, when it was first run, which makes it... gawd... more than twenty years ago) beard and sports jacket. He was teaching auto mechanics, and decided the way he learned was the way everyone should learn. Unfortunately the way he learned was by being shown how to, say, rebuild a carburetor just once by a master mechanic, and then he knew how. Of course, nobody in class was able to do it this way and so, as they say, "hilarity ensues".

Working with computers has always been nearly that easy for me. Yet it's quite patently not that easy for most of the rest of America, perhaps the world. And, like ol' Fonze, I have a real hard time understanding why everyone else out there has such a damned hard time with them.

It would be tempting to think I'm just a helluva lot smarter than most people. Certainly a really huge number of computer "techies" do just that. But anyone who's read about my forays into the world of cooking should quickly realize I can be just as dumb as the next doorknob.

So what is it about me that makes working with computers easier than, say, pressure cooking chili? What do I do differently that lets me get computers to do what I want, when vast numbers of people can barely turn them on? After thinking about it for a really long time, this is what I've managed to come up with:

How to Become a Computer Geek in Thirty-Four Years or Less:

• Take to heart first of all that you can actually understand this stuff. Really! The vast majority of vaporlock computer morons I deal with sit in front of their systems without ever even attempting to figure out what is going wrong. It's this attitude alone that causes people like me to think they're smarter than people like you. Prove us wrong.
• You can do it, but it's hard. Resist the temptation to call on someone technical you know just because you think they already know the answer. This yet another variation of "give someone a fish, and feed them for a day, teach them to fish, and feed them for a lifetime". Learn to research your problems and you will come to understand how to fix most of them yourself.
• Read the damned directions. READ THE DAMNED DIRECTIONS, PEOPLE. My first encounter with electronics was stereo gear. Everyone, from the hi-fi shop to my high school band room to my parent's house, treated hi-fi like it was some sort of crystalline time bomb... one wrong move and it'd either blow up or shatter completely. I never understood this attitude because every knob, switch, and plug was clearly labeled. If it's not painted on the front of whatever you're using, it's in the instructions. Half of my "talent" comes from just carefully reading the manuals.

  Not just directions, but computer magazines, concept books, "how-to" books, "Dummies" books if you really must. Learn how to apply what you've read, and stop relying on someone else to show you. A book is far, far cheaper than a class, and is more convenient and easier to schedule around. I know there are a lot of you who are completely uncomfortable with this approach to learning, but until you get comfortable with it learning how to do anything with a computer will probably remain forever out of your reach. Not because you're stupid, but because you're poor and have better things to do than attend hours-long classes.

• Don't fear the experiment. This is the last, and probably the most important, aspect of dealing with computers. Want to know why your kids are so damned good with computers and you're not? They're not afraid of breaking it, and you shouldn't be either. Do your level best to make sure you can un-do whatever you're about to do, or failing that take notes about what you've done so if you get in really deep someone can help you get out, but do something. Don't get frustrated if your experiment fails. Experiments are supposed to fail. Learn from each failure and you will eventually find success.

And really, that's all there is to it.

Or you can always pay (or, in the case of Ellen, yell at) me to do it for you. Will I.T. for beer!