October 08, 2008
In Favor of the Odds...

Far as I'm concerned, life tends to come in 3's. Tends to. No one prepares you for the other odds.

When your career is to fix the hurt, no one ever realizes that 'fixing' that hurt can mean ending the hurt. Permanently.

Eventually 3's turns into 5's. Then 7's. Then 9's. The odds keep adding up, after a while.

Now, normally Wednesdays on my end are quiet days. They are boring days. You watch the clock, wonder what you'll eat for lunch or what the cat gets to make them come out and play. You never think the worst. It's a Wednesday, and it will always remain boring. Must remain...

Suddenly a Wednesday will somersault on you and make you dizzy to the point that it takes hours for you to realize what you did.

Wednesdays are slow days. Must remain...

Not today.

Today started with a euthanasia and ended with one.

Not my favorite kind of day.

You... well, I... literally become hardened on the outside, yet your insides want to scream and cry and wail but you have to... must prove yourself to the newbie that in the end it does not hurt after a while.

12 years later, it still hurts, and yet you have no tears. Well, on the outside.

I came home today after euthanizing 4 cats. 3 of which I knew well. Fortunately, for 3, I knew their time was right.

Max, I love you even if you were so cranky and you always wanted to bite me no matter how much I tried to win your heart. Your Mom loved your haircuts and you got a tad sweeter every time I saw you. Today you were quite kind to me. I love you. Always have, always will.

Wawa, you were sweet no matter how cranky we all thought you were. I'm sorry you had cancer. Your Daddy loves you so much. He proved it today.

Peanut, your Daddy loves you and Grandma could not bear to watch you leave so she sat on the couch with Emme and Cricket to comfort her. I was there to help.

Big Boy... last man out. I am so sad for you. Your mom was moving to Bolivia for some reason unknown to us. She would only let us do x-rays and an exam and refused all else and decided to euthanize you because you were vomiting all the time. I hope someone throws up in her car and can't get the smell out. Or her plane falls into the ocean, or her car overturns on one of those Bolivian roads. It's happened before!

I am sorry I could not help you other than making your passing a nice, quiet and loving one.

Tonight... tonight I looked down at my hands when I got home from work and realized I had ink all over them. Ink from doing 8 paw prints on 4 cards in a day. No matter how hard I scrubbed it would not come off. I even noticed the smeared paw prints on my arm in the shower.

No matter what, I hope I made your passing an easy one.

[What else does the harvest have to hope for, dear Lord, except for the care of the Reaper Man? -- Ed.]

Must... never... always... remember...



Not bruises. Well, not on the outside.


Posted by Ellen at October 08, 2008 09:03 PM

eMail this entry!

I am so sorry you have days like this but remember you have sent them to the Rainbow Bridge. Patch has kidney problems again. I have them both of wet food now, is there anything else I can to help him. Giving that $200 medicine and he acts like I am killing him, I even tasted it and it doesn't taste bad at all. Now that is a good mommy!

Posted by: Grandma Pat on October 9, 2008 07:51 AM

I'm sorry you have days like that but I will tell you that this summer, one of my parents' 19 year old cats went into a steep decline. They knew it was time and even though they HATED the thought of it, they knew it was the kindest and ultimately the only thing to do.

I am grateful they have a caring vet who helped the cat go on into that Big Night, who made sure she wasn't in pain or scared, and who talked with my parents to be sure they were ok...

It's horrible that it has to be done, but when it has to be done....well, it helps a lot to have someone who cares so deeply.

aw crap, I'm crying now.

Posted by: fillyjonk on October 9, 2008 10:44 AM

You know even after 25 years of doing it, it still hurts just as bad and with each one that you help cross over, you..I feel a piece of my soul goes too but I would rather be like that than hardened to their beautiful, furry souls just being another animal that was put to sleep. If it ever becomes that, then it is time to get out of the biz. You did good.

Posted by: Lisa on October 10, 2008 03:23 AM
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