*RIINGG RIIINNGG!!*

Me: "Who the fuck is calling now!?!" (the phone rang 5 times in a row this evening)

Amber: "Hey! It's me! I just got your message about the ...AAAIIIIEE!!! PUTITDOWN!!! LETITGO!!LETITGO!!!!!" (my ears are ringing at this point) "I'll call you back!" *CLAP!!!*, the phone goes dead.

Me: "Oooo K."

5 minutes later the phone rings again.

Amber : "Hiiiii!!! OMFG!" (no, really, she says it so fast it sounds like initials) "You won't believe what Garrison had in his mouth!" [Garrison is one of Amber's cats. Gigantic brown-striped dino-cat. He should star in a Flinstone's episode or something. -SJ]

Me: "A mouse?" (Garrison lurvs mice. But not in a nice way. More like a "self-propelled snack" sort of way.)

Amber : "Yes! The fucker! I KNEW something was up! He was laying in the kitchen and I opened the pantry door to get my broom and out this mouse came and Garrison woudn't let it go and I couldn't get his mouth open and Ron is trying to take a shit and he's screaming" ( As you can see, Amber does not come up for air when she gets excited) "and it was sooo cute and it was ok, cause there were no bite marks but I was sure Garrison killed it that naughty kitty! He is sooo naughty!" (comes up for air finally)

Me: "Did ya find the hole?"

Amber: "Oh yeah it's a tiny hole I'm going to have to plug it up with spray insulation" (comes out as "Ohyeahit'satinyholeI'mgoingtohavetoplugitupwithsprayinsulation")

Me: "Make sure you use steel wool, they don't like steel wool."

Amber: "OOO.. they don't? It was so cute! I had it in a paper towel..."

Then Olivia, who has really bad diaper rash and was getting naked time sudenly pees on a stair-step cat ladder Magrat uses to get to her food. [Finally, a human gets to pee on something the cats think is important. -SJ]

Me: "Uh... Amber, I got to go. Olivia just peed on my floor."

Amber: (very seriously) "She... peed?" ("These things you call.. ch-i-l-dren... why do they behave in this unusual manner?")

Me: "Yep."

Amber: (all cheeful once again) "OK!!! SEE YA!!!!!" (you can almost hear her ruby slipper heels clacking as she skips off down the yellow brick road while I go clean up kiddie pee.)

At least her cat does its cat-like jobs. Mine would offer one a beer.