What I have learned in the past six weeks of being a father:
- Babies (well, this baby) are not soda bottles. Bouncing them (gently!) does not automatically
result in them fizzing over like a can of ginger ale dropped down a stairwell.
- People look at you like you're juggling a live hand grenade whenever you bounce a small baby on your
- It's not just the baby that has fun bouncing.
- A set of boobs automatically places you in the officer corps of parenting.
- A lack of boobs makes you literally an enlisted man.
- Officers give orders, the enlisted are to carry them out without fail or question.
- Visiting officers from other armies (i.e. any female who is not Mom) will often forget they stand
outside the local chain of command.
- Reminding them they do can be fun and rewarding.
- Something that eats a pure liquid diet has no business producing solids at the other end.
- Having mom say "think of it like a butter churn, with legs" is not helpful when one is
changing a diaper.
- The only time you'll need to stick your baby in the car seat and go driving to calm her down will be
during the heart of rush hour.
- Babies will remind you that stop-and-go traffic is not acceptable.
- Doing laps around the Dulles airport access road makes the security guys at the terminal nervous.
- Clucking and scratching at the floor does not impress the gaggle of female relations that are
flocking around your baby.
- Saying "I'm just trying to fit in" to them doesn't help either.
- Baby boys aren't the only ones who can shoot pee. And other things.
- It is advisable to keep the business end of a baby's bottom facing away from the rest of the
furniture at all times.
- No matter where you put the dirty diaper, your baby will still figure out how to shove a hand, head, or
foot into it.
- When a baby grunts like a fighter pilot pulling 9 G's, it means it's almost time to change a
- Almost because changing a diaper after the first "high G pull" merely results in the dreaded
"double-diaper change." Better to wait until all the "turning" is done.
- Watching mom deal with a smaller, less reasonable, more stubborn version of herself can be quite
- Infants and LSO's (the guys who help a
plane land on an aircraft carrier) have something in common. You'll usually only get 3 ratings from them:
"OK", "fair", and "no-grade".
- When caring for an infant, you will often find there are two courses of action for a given
situation: one you "should" do, and one which keeps the baby quiet.
- The people who tell you what you "should" do don't have babies any more.
Coming soon: How to Change a Diaper in Seventeen Easy Steps.