Wherein, Our Hero decides to actually use his garage for something other than storing potatoes in, and finds that fixing an old car is a lot like dating an Italian woman: full of gaffs, unintended screwups, expensive trinkets, yet strangely satisfying at the end.
- Turn on garage heat, go back inside while garage warms up
- Go Christmas shopping because a) you need fender covers and b) mall will be empty because only crazy people go shopping in an ice storm.
- Remember on way home to turn off space heater in garage
- Watch fire trucks whizz past car on way home
- Laugh weakly to self remarking how one only notices such events when one has been a moron
- Scan the sky for smoke anyway
- Arrive home, noting with relief it is not smoking hole in ground
- Deposit various spares and bits into toasty-warm garage
- Climb upstairs to find BouncyHappyEllen has been hormonally replaced with Linda Blair clone. On second head-spin-round go back down to toasty-warm garage, allowing cats to feel full wrath of pregnant she-devil.
- Remove new shiny rare (expensive) interior door panels (NSR[e]IDP) from box
- Remove shoes so as not to step on NSR[e]IDP's with dirty shoes
- Note space heater heats space, not concrete, as toes discover socks not good insulation vs. 40 degree garage floor
- Replace shoes
- Remove old, water-ruined door panel. Curse previous owner (PO) for not placing moisture barrier inside doors (PO had a habit of this, neglected to replace other "niceties" like the lock washers that help hold the camshafts in place inside the engine).
- Remove 10ft x 25ft sheet of 4 mil plastic. 250 square feet of visqueen, smallest size Home Depot carried, to make a moisture barrier for 6 square feet worth of door panels.
- Proceed with sharpy marker to mark out new pattern for moisture barrier (MB).
- Use MB to measure where to place clip holes in new panel. PO used six clips instead of more standard screws to hold door panel in place.
- Use power drill to very, very carefully place four new holes in NSR[e]IDP.
- On cue, wife appears in garage doorway to allow Scott's Fuzzy Little Helpers access to garage.
- Have this conversation:
Ellen: "What are you using a drill for?!?"
Scott: "Need to put holes in for some clips."
Ellen: (in doubtful tone) "How did you figure out where to put the holes?"
Scott: (in confident tone) "I measured them using the old panel"
Ellen: (even more doubtful) "Like you measured the speakers on the wall?"
Scott: (in annoyed tone) "Go away. Nobody notices that."
Ellen: (in "here-we-go-again" sing-song tone): "Okaaay..."
- Place MB in door, clips in panel, and attempt to mount door
- Notice door panel does not fit because it has no cut-out for door opener
- Spend next hour on knees measuring, chipping, cutting, scoring, drilling, cursing, praying new door opener hole into panel. Ponder sacrificing Scott's Fuzzy Little Helpers to door panel god in the process.
- Fit door. Note, out of four carefully measured new clip holes, only one actually fits.
- Drill two new holes. Note Rule of Old Cars will now hold true, as two clips will now be "left over"
- Decide one panel is enough for tonight. Get wine glass and book, sit in car to ponder next move
- Jump two feet in the air, catch knee under steering wheel, spill wine, drop book, and yell "JESUS CHRIST!!!" as five foot tall shrieking harpy suddenly leaps into garage
- Explain to Ellen that it's Not Funny to imitate screaming fury just to announce dinner is ready.
- Wipe up wine as Ellen wipes tears from face
I still don't think that was very damned funny!