October 24, 2002
Magic. On a Stick.

Long ago, Ellen decided that "we will be having a family".

"We?" I asked.

"WE! will be having a family."

"Umm... do I get a vote in this decision?"

"WE. WILL. BE. HAVING. A. FAMILY. We have purchased a home, which you agreed to. Therefore, we shall be having a family."

"Hey, waitaminute, nobody said anything to me about voting for a family at the same time as voting for more space to put sh*t in."

"LIAR! You agreed to a baby as soon as we got a house!"

"It wasn't me! I swear! I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN!!!"

"Psha! You did so, I was there!"

That was the mandate. Me, I know my family history. Depending on who you ask, it took my parents at least three years, maybe more, to have me. It only took them eleven months more to have my brother. Likewise, it took Ellen's family awhile before they had their first child (Richie, Ellen's brother), but only took nine months for Richie's sister, my dearly beloved, to be conceived.

Yup, I had it all figgerd out. I would get to spend the next year, maybe even three, being the princess in the tower. I, being the magic holder of the semen, would be the one to be pursued by the "blingedy-bling-bling" noise of the biological clock. Free sex! For years. WOOHOO! Not a problem.

So what if she went all opera on my ass, throwing the pill case into the trash whilst singing an aria in C minor (if you're married to an Italian, this makes total sense). I was the smart one. BLOW JOBS FOR ALL! (Well, blow jobs for me you weirdo). It was only after we had the first kid that I would need to start being careful, start paying attention to calendars, and "having a headache" at the first of the months. But our first try? Our first try would just be gravy.

Then Ellen started getting sick at work.

Not dramatic "gee I didn't know I was wearing grey shoes today" while leaning over the toilet sick. Rather, just sudden "whoop-dee-do's" with the blood sugar levels. Sure, it was a little weird, being called up at eleven thirty in the morning by a panicked wife asking me to "BRING ME LUNCH. NOW!" (I'm sure her head spun around, but that was on the phone, and anyway, I'm used to that), but really, I didn't think much of it.

And then she says to me, with an impish grin and a tone of triumph, "I'm four days late!"


No way. Not this homey. I got lazy sperms (just like me, sez my wife). They sit in their lounge chairs on the beach drinking margaritas and whooping at the eggs in the string bikinis, but not actually doing anything about it. This is Ellen just being weird about kids. Again.

So I sez, being very cavalier, "why don't you just get it over with, and do the pregnancy test thing?"

Swear to god, it was like punching in numbers into the largest computer in the universe. You know, the one that spits out "42" when you ask "What, Deep Thought, is The Meaning of Life?" She went all quiet on me. A very, very bad sign.

See, I shoulda been suspicious when she said "lets get a pizza tonight!" Stupid me, I forgot the pizza place is right next door to the drug store. So I'm sitting there in the parking lot, in growing terror, as she pops out in front of the frikken drugstore.

"Why are you getting out here?" I ask.

"Why do you think, you f*cking moron?!?" (again, men married to Italian women will completely understand)

"Oh." This "oh" was said in the tone of one who has just been told to stand up and face the jury. Only, unlike OJ, I didn't have a gazillion dollars worth of lawyers to get me off. As she walked into the drugstore, I imagined a French foreign legionnaire walking up to me, handing me a cigarette, and asking "do you have any last requests?"

This part of the story is best told by The Empress:

"After we got home, all I did was open the box (we got the triple pack, because, you know, this just never happens) and read the instructions. Three times. Which consisted of, essentially:

  • Pee on stick
  • Place on flat surface
  • Wait

Two windows, preggers, one, not. It was two immediately. While I was waiting (not too goddamn long mind you) it reminded me of running a heartworm or feline leukemia test at work. When you become obsessive looking for a result. Because with those kinds of tests, it usually takes a few minutes to come up negative. Just like a bad ringworm infection, this bad boy went positive immediately.


Only at the last minute, beyond all hope of rescue, do my caveman instincts kick in. "NO! Not gonna!" See, if I don't look at it, it's not real.

"GODDAMIT," she says in that 'your empress is offended and it Will Not Go Easily For You If You Continue To Ignore Us' tone, "GET UP HERE!"

So I trudge up the stairs, feeling strangely sympathetic to Louis the XVI and Ms. Antoinette. I could almost see the scaffold above me.

"Look at this!" she says. "Is this positive?!?"


See, I've read about these things. Goddamned things are frikken infallible. If it says positive, it's positive. No ifs, ands or buts.

Two stripes.



I'm gonna be a father.

Posted by scott at October 24, 2002 12:00 AM

eMail this entry!


Posted by: Laurence Simon on October 23, 2002 09:44 PM

Yay, I get to be Auntie Mellie!!



Posted by: melbernai on October 23, 2002 09:56 PM

well scott you better get used to going out to get pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night

Posted by: richie on October 23, 2002 10:20 PM

I get to be a Grandma again, the person who doesn't like kids, but it absolutely nuts over Jeff and Cindy's 2 1/2 year old boy. He is, at the moment, redefining the term "terrible twos". Jeff is still in the terrible twos. I will also put the "Mother's Curse" on Scott. The one that goes "May your children grow up to be just like you" It worked on Jeff. ROTFLMAO
Now if "jelly bean" turns out to be a girl the world will be perfect. Oh please if it is just healthy the world will be perfect!

Posted by: Pat on October 23, 2002 10:56 PM

Hope Grandma Pat doesn't work her curse forever!
If we ever have another one, she's going to get Jeff back. Because I'm not having five children in my house (our son, the baby, Jeff, Attu and BJ).
I mentioned to our 2 1/2 year old about getting another cousin and it hasn't registered yet (my sister has a little one).
I'll mention baby to him tomorrow and get a response.
But I am very happy for Scott and Ellen.
E- just call me, we'll talk C-

Posted by: Cindy on October 24, 2002 12:05 AM

whooooooooooeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Lucky you!!!

BTW: cut out the "I'm doomed" shit. Parenting is a wonderful little rollercoaster ride that will break your heart, melt your body and make you unbelievably happy. You won't understand for a few more months.... but when you hold that little life in your hands for the first time, your life will absolutely and positively (and I do mean in a positive way) change. You are a lucky man, so start acting like it.

Ellen, congratulations! Scott, congratulations!

Posted by: Jim S on October 24, 2002 08:53 AM

Was an accurate reflection of my feelings at the time. I'm growing more used to the idea, but I reserve the right to be freaked out by this, if only for awhile.

Posted by: scott on October 24, 2002 08:56 AM

Ellen and Scott; I am so happy for you. Move to NY so I can spoil the baby. Ellen, your Dad said I was going to look like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies when I got old. I wanted to kill him, but I think he is right (this time). I just hope I have her spunk so I can take my little grankiddie (not kitty) for special outings. See you on Saturday.

Posted by: Granny on October 24, 2002 11:05 AM

Somehow I just could never picture you as a hillbilly. Can't get my head around it. :)

Posted by: scott on October 24, 2002 01:06 PM

Ellen -- Congrats! Being the perfect kitty mommy that you are, you're going to be an awesome baby mommy! What a great piece of news to read!


Posted by: Elizabeth on October 24, 2002 03:06 PM


Ha ha, Scott -- it made for very entertaining reading, so thanks for posting the version you did. ;)

Posted by: Jessa June on October 24, 2002 05:52 PM

Wow! Congratulations! Can I be crazy Aunt Maru, the one you keep locked up in the attic?!

: )

Posted by: maru on October 25, 2002 10:15 AM

Congrats! As a Maternal/Child Health RN...I can deliver the baby and help you with the aftercare....for both mommy and wee one.

Seriously....this is going to be the most incredible thing you've ever done. The fun begins NOW!

Ellen, may the morning sickness disappear TODAY!

Scott, start preparing TODAY.

Enjoy each and every minute when it happens...

Posted by: Da Goddess on October 27, 2002 06:13 AM

heh heh heh...ahem.

Congrats (to one of you) and Good Luck (to the other)

You both can sort out which words are for whom. I'm staying out of it.

Posted by: Jason on November 4, 2002 09:43 AM

Congrats you two!

Scott, at least you were already fully awake when you got the news (read as; "The Stick"). I on the otherhand was in bed sleeping soundly when my better half woke me up by poking me with it.

I'm thinking (with MAJOR cobwebs in my head), okay it's one of those "Clear Blue Easy thingies"; it ain't blue, I'm saved!!! Nope, 'fat chance' she tells me, 'two stripes'...

Anyway, here it is almost three years later and I have the best thing that EVER happened to me sleeping in the other room, a little girl.

If you get the chance (if not the choice), go to every o.b. appointment your wife has, especially when she goes to get the first ultrasound. It'll rock your world, it did mine.


Posted by: Zzyzx on November 29, 2002 01:19 AM
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