August 26, 2002
Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Police I Learned from Watching Cops

  • A cop's ideal job is to preserve order, help people, and enforce the law.
  • A cop's real job consists mostly of being mommy and daddy to grownups who many times just need a good smacking.
  • Not being able to smack stupid people is one of the reasons why cops have one of the hardest jobs on the planet.
  • The difference between a good cop and a bad cop is the good cop finds ways of dealing with wanting to smack stupid people that does not in fact involve smacking them. A bad cop starts seeing everyone as stupid people and tries to smack as many as possible.
  • A good cop knows stupid people come in all shapes and sizes, and makes an effort to figure them out.
  • A bad cop uses skin color as a judge of intelligence because it's easier than actually trying to do their job.
  • The vast majority of what to you seem insulting and threatening behaviors from a cop are really just them ensuring their own safety so they can do their job.
  • Running from the cops is like running from a big dog with no leash. A big dog with a gun, a radio, a whole bunch of other dog friends with guns and radios, and sometimes even a dog in a helicopter.
  • Running from the cops guarantees your arrest. Stand there and you might get to sleep at home tonight.
  • When running from cops, try to give up somewhere soft. Don't give up while standing on concrete or asphalt.
  • Cops are not psychic.
  • Do not take handcuffs personally.
  • If a cop decides you've broken the law, you will be arrested. That is their job. Professional cops do not take or intend this as a personal insult.
  • If you are being arrested, shut up. The cop has already decided you have broken the law. "Anything you say can and will be used against you" isn't something a scriptwriter cooked up.
  • Do not try to talk your way out of being arrested. A cop has seen and heard it all. Usually you end up looking stupid and saying something that'll get you in even deeper trouble.
  • Do not try to cry, whine, wheedle, or plead your way out of being arrested. It makes you look like a three year old, and it won't work. Again, the cop has already decided you've broken the law.
  • Once arrested, there are only four words you should say to a cop: "I want a lawyer".
  • Once arrested, do not trust the police. You have become a Bad Guy to them, and they to you. Ideally, nobody should take this personally (but everyone usually does).
  • After being arrested, assume everything and anything a cop tells you when not in the presence of your lawyer is a lie. This is not a reflection on the cop's character. They think you've already broken the law, and it's their job to gather as much evidence as possible to prove this. The very best evidence will come out of your mouth, and they will tell you absolutely anything to get it out of you. Absolutely anything.
  • If you have a gun in your car, and the cop asks "do you have a gun in your car?", the proper response is not "no", or "I don't think so" or "I don't remember". The proper response is "yes I do officer, it is in [wherever the gun is], and I'm going to keep my hands on this steering wheel until you tell me what to do".
  • If you find yourself in a "situation" which involves the cops, stay calm and predictable and you will go far.
  • You are not smarter than the cop.
  • Even if you are smarter than the cop, do not under any circumstances attempt to prove it by saying something... anything. This seems to be a particular problem with women, who when confronted with the overwhelmingly male profession of policing seem to treat cops like their husbands. The difference is a husband has to take it. Learn the difference.
  • Cops are human beings. They have emotions, they make mistakes, they can get excited, angry, upset, or even violent just like you can. The difference is a cop has a gun.
  • An excited, angry, or upset cop is a Very Bad Thing.
  • Do not anger, excite, or upset a cop. If they arrive in your vicinity in one of these moods already, in general just do what they say and stay very quiet.
  • When dealing with cops when you are not under arrest, honesty is always the very best policy (under arrest? see above). Truly honest and helpful people are a refreshing surprise for cops. You seem a lot smarter when you're honest, even after you've done something stupid.
  • Cops will forgive the most amazing things if you are honest and helpful. Actual conversation seen on Cops: COP: "Were you going to that house to buy drugs?" MORON: "Yes sir, I sure was, but they didn't have any so I was going home." COP: "Well, don't do that anymore. Go home."

Note: while this essay was triggered by an event a friend of mine went through recently, it is in no way directed at that friend or their family.

Posted by scott at August 26, 2002 12:30 PM
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Comments

I am positive that I got out of a ticket once by simply being honest and admitting that I was just being stupid. "It was my fault, I was thinking about something else and not paying attention to what I was doing." It probably helped that I was clearly embarassed about the whole thing. (I had a little encounter with a fence in a parking lot. With 2 cop cars not 50 feet away.) They did seem to appreciate my attitude, and were actually pretty nice to me.

Posted by: Jessa June on August 26, 2002 08:28 PM

I have been stopped by policemen at least a dozen times in several different states for all sorts of moving violations. I have never gotten a ticket. It always helps if you are wearing a nurse's uniform, can always say "Oh, I am sooo sorry, I am on call and am trying to get to the hospital as fast as I can. Scott's personal favorite is when I told a policeman I had to get home because I could see smoke in the distance and my child(18 years old) was home alone. Of course they were burning a bean field and he didn't know how old my kid was. Tears always help but I am getting a little too old for that one. LOL

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Posted by: tango3 on December 13, 2003 10:33 PM

I avoid the Cops like the Plague! I've seen to many cops (jerks) behaving badly and I want no part of it. Also, if you are ever stopped by a Cop, just give your Name, Address, D.O.B. and SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! Never consent to any search regardless if you have something to hide or not! Just Say NO! Again, Name, Address, DOB then SHUT UP!!! Well.. except for asking if you can leave every minute or two. Yes, the Cops will try and provoke you into talking but SHUT UP! Think of how childish they are acting or make-up jokings about them in your head but DO NOT TALK except for "Can I Go Now?" Remember this, sooner or later you will be pulled over regardless if you've broken a law or not. Do Not Answer Questions except for Name, Address and DOB! I'm NOT joking!

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Posted by: george on November 19, 2004 07:35 PM

Try being called a sexual predator five times and also a violent person with a violent temper four times and your just standing there doing nothing he wanted to get me mad enough to fight but I didn't.He was waving his arms around and saying is everything going over your head isn't anything sinking in or being absorbed. I phoned and complained about it and guess what he delieted it from the in car system. I was told tapes don't lie and also he doesn't have a key to the box in the squad car,he knew how to erase the awful stuff he was saying that's why he was saying those things to me he wouldn't of said those things if he didn't know how to deliete them and if I lost it and was screaming at him that would be on the tape but what he was saying would be gone from it. I don't trust deputies at all now they can all go and hide under the rock where they came from.

Posted by: ANNA LANIGAN on May 19, 2005 10:53 PM

I feel that if all the officers of the law were randomly drug tested then we the people would be more reassured that the cops are obeying the law. They are exposed to it every day and were all just going to sit there and think they would never think of doing anything to evidence. We have to take a drug ua constantly at jobs but my job is not a life saving career but why is it so necessary when I know it more necessarie for the police. They can afford it after all if it wasn't for drugs by golly they would be out a job. see you 420

Posted by: Sue on April 26, 2007 03:25 AM

I feel that if all the officers of the law were randomly drug tested then we the people would be more reassured that the cops are obeying the law. They are exposed to it every day and were all just going to sit there and think they would never think of doing anything to evidence. We have to take a drug ua constantly at jobs but my job is not a life saving career but why is it so necessary when I know it more necessarie for the police. They can afford it after all if it wasn't for drugs by golly they would be out a job. see you 420

Posted by: Sue on April 26, 2007 03:25 AM

I feel that if all the officers of the law were randomly drug tested then we the people would be more reassured that the cops are obeying the law. They are exposed to it every day and were all just going to sit there and think they would never think of doing anything to evidence. We have to take a drug ua constantly at jobs but my job is not a life saving career but why is it so necessary when I know it more necessarie for the police. They can afford it after all if it wasn't for drugs by golly they would be out a job. see you 420

Posted by: Sue on April 26, 2007 03:26 AM

I feel that if all the officers of the law were randomly drug tested then we the people would be more reassured that the cops are obeying the law. They are exposed to it every day and were all just going to sit there and think they would never think of doing anything to evidence. We have to take a drug ua constantly at jobs but my job is not a life saving career but why is it so necessary when I know it more necessarie for the police. They can afford it after all if it wasn't for drugs by golly they would be out a job. see you 420

Posted by: Sue on April 26, 2007 03:26 AM

I feel that if all the officers of the law were randomly drug tested then we the people would be more reassured that the cops are obeying the law. They are exposed to it every day and were all just going to sit there and think they would never think of doing anything to evidence. We have to take a drug ua constantly at jobs but my job is not a life saving career but why is it so necessary when I know it more necessarie for the police. They can afford it after all if it wasn't for drugs by golly they would be out a job. see you 420

Posted by: Sue on April 26, 2007 03:26 AM
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