August 15, 2002
The Oscar Diaries, pt. 1

3245224 [August 14, 2002]

Diese is Astronotus Ocellatus K7937 reporting mein ztudy of der humans. I vill be keeping zis diary in zee hopes of being able to transmit it once contact vith headquarters has been re-established. Mein task of controlling der humans' mind to assist in der destruction of zee not-water has proven far more divicult zan originally planned. I vind myself dedicated to our Glorious Leader's vision evermore strongly (ein Fish! ein Ocean! ein Leader!), but a more intelligent zpecies may have to be targeted if zis continues.

Diese is der fifth zet of humans I have attempted to ztudy. Vhile it is a challenge I cherish to increase zee glory of our Leader, I do hope I vill not find it necezzary to exterminate zis pair, as I was vorced to do vith past zets. It is very inconvenient to deploy zee V16 device. It creates zuch a mess.

Die frau vith der extra zet of eyes [glasses] continues to remain avraid of zticking her hand in mein tank. Diese has made it var more divivcult for me to implant zee mind control chips required to impose meine vill. Der other human does not interact vith me, therefore vee may haf to think of a diverent way of injecting him.

I haf been zee recipient of a most intriguing zet of communications vrom der actual owners of zee not-water landing zite my capsule-tank is zituated in. Diese four-terrapodal [legged] creatures zeem to have enslaved my ztudy zubjects most evectively, apparently vithout zee aid of advanced technology zuch as ours. Diese is both interesting and dangerous. I must discover how zey accomplished zis zo vee can acquire zee technique.

I haf created a viction for zem zat I am an immature example of our glorious zpecies (heil Oskar!). An attempt at a direct meeting vith them outside mein capsule proved disastrous. Der new exposure zuits created at Oceamunde are zertainly invisible enough, but failed utterly in protecting me against der evects of "hair", vith vhich diese "cats" haf completely coated all zurfaces of zee not-vater vith. Der ease vith vhich diese "cats" rule zis pair of inverior beings is most instructive. It vill of course be nezessary to destroy zem, because as der Glorious Leader has commanded, our zpecies needs Lebenocean to ensure its zurvival.

I must be zure to request der assignment of an Oskarschutzstaffel (O-SS) commando zoon. Der previous azzistant was a complete incompetent, apparently der nephew ov a zenior party member. His unfortunate... accident ...has lead to an opening on my team. An O-SS member vill be required to protect me zhould diese Proletariat's United Zociety of Zocialists (P.U.S.S.) party zell of "cats" discover our ultimate goal before ve are ready. As der Glorious Leader has zaid in "Mein Ocean", diese communist parties are zee ultimate threat to ztability in der vorld today, and must be ztopped!

I only hope zee Scheißekopf who designed mein laser-radio ends up in a goldfish camp. I vill attempt to contact headquarters again presently.

Posted by scott at August 15, 2002 08:11 PM

eMail this entry!

Well, at least I don't have to worry about your spelling and grammar! LOL

Posted by: Pat on August 15, 2002 10:08 PM

You have WAY to much time (And Wine) on your hands

Posted by: Jeff on August 16, 2002 07:24 AM

Hey! we were completely sober at the time of writing this * at gun point-cat laser gun* .

ps. ellen is dorking on scotts puter

Posted by: scott on August 16, 2002 05:00 PM
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