June 29, 2002
Body Angst

Did you know that 60% of the US population is overweight? Thats just adults. Kids run from 10-30% overweight. So whats wrong with us? Is it our diets *yes*, is it our hate of exercise *yes*. Lots of factors contribute to it.

On my street alone, there is 2 McDonalds, 4 Starbucks, 2 Icecream shops, and 2 grocery stores. Lots of temptation. I will FULLY admit I am a total snacker. I'd rather snack 50 times a day than eat full meals. I can never finish my meals as it is, they are too friggin big. * Scott has seen me inahale a very large meal before. Usually only if I have not eaten ANYTHING all day. Yeah, I have a very bad habit of running on empty all day then eat one huge meal at night*

They say the cause of fat is your genes. Is it? I don't think so. Well, what about the fat virus? Nope,sorry. If there is a fat gene or a fat virus, what about the thin gene or the thin virus? Most of america is so bent on obesity. What about the people that are already thin that don't think they are thin enough? I'm a size 5 and to me, thats not small enough. I met Scott when I was a size 3. The biggest I have ever gotten was 140 pounds 4 years ago. I have been a consistant 120 pounds for the last 3 years. Still not small enough. I want to see my 110-115 pound self.

But then again, why am I bent on weight?? I always preach, "don't go by the scale, go by how your clothes fit". Oops! Should I admit I weight myself daily at work on the dog scale in the front lobby?

I have 30 exercise videos and DVD's. My living room is my gym. I have 2 aerobic steps, 2 barbell sets, a yoga ball, and a large variety of dumbells. Ok, is there somthing wrong with me? Is my desire to be thin wrong?

Ok, I just don't want to be thin, I want to be thin and muscular. I love the look. Most people don't, I do. One reason WHY I am not there yet is a complete weakness for chocolate. Especially M&M's. * goddamn little candy coated chocolate demons!*

I will admit taking a belly dance class has taught me to appreciate the body I have. I just cover the parts I DON'T like. Yes, I have parts I hate. *legs legs legs- I hate them. Too short, too chunky,too stocky, elephant knees, olive branch toting ankles..shall I continue?* I've come to appreciate that it took me 3 years to get where I am now. It will probably take me another 2 years to get where I want. I'd rather exercise all day then work.

I have this horrible feeling of guilt when I eat pasta now*actually most of my food I feel that way*. I am fucking italian, and I am not nuts about pasta. I can't stand spaghetti anymore. I'm sick of it. I don't see a meal. I see strands of simple carbs that star back at me saying they are going straight to my ass, and all the calories I burnt earlier working out are going to hop right back on board. But I don't feel bad when that ice cream comes out of the freezer. I could eat that stuff all day.

So yeah, somthing is not right in my noggin. I never said I was perfect. I am far from it. Is it MY fault that I am this way? Should I blame society for making me neurotic over food? Everyone else does. Should I just sit back and take everything in stride and not worry as much? Should I eat WHATEVER I want, but only in small amounts so I don't wind up doing my signature binge and purge?

I think it is rather funny how you can watch TV on a saturday morning and its NOTHING but informercials. All FITNESS and WEIGHT LOSS oriented informercials. You have the FIRM *which is a frigging hard exercise program*, and all of the gadgets you can imagine up for sale. There is even a new exercise program designed for the shape of your body.

Scott hates to work out. He does not like to compete with me. He will go for a 2 mile walk with me. *I still don't feel very accomplished at the end of the walk and will work out for another hour after the walk* We also will bike. He likes the fun stuff. Now don't get me wrong, I like having fun when I work out, but I want every fiber in my body hurting to tell me that I did some muscle damage and that it is going to repair itself bigger and better than before.

So is it all my fault? Probably. But I can be like everyone else out there and blame somthing else.

Posted by Ellen at June 29, 2002 01:41 PM

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Posted by: sybil on June 11, 2003 09:51 AM
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