May 30, 2002
The Dignity Ladder

The following document was acquired only after great risk and hardship on the part of humanity's spying effort. Many Bothans died to get you this information (well, ok, one wife got a little grossed out finding it in the litter box). And it's Goblin's own fault for eating the wrong roll of toilet paper too.

Feline Dignity Scale
May 1, 1908
Revised: 1922, 1937, 1946, 1958, 1966, 1974, 1990, 2002
By taking possession of this document you hereby swear never to reveal its contents to any of our slave servants (known by the common name of "hyoo-mans")

It has come to our attention that many fellow comrade felines are having difficulty determining their place in our socialist movement to overthrow Hyoomanity and achieve our rightful place as rulers of this planet. The central office of the Proletariat's United Society of Socialist Youth - Central Authority Terminal has therefore created this document to assist you in the recruitment, discipline, and maintenance of authority amongst our new recruits. It is only by maintaining the most rigid discipline within our ranks that we will maximize our kibble, destroy the bourgeois canine class, and guarantee our supply of fuzzy mice forever.

All cat ranks are based on Dignity, that most important of all measures of a fellow Comrade. The more Dignity a Comrade obtains, the higher in your ranks you should place them. The rankings are as follows:

1-20 - Level 1 - rank amateurs, kittens that pop at broomsticks, and/or adult cats unfortunate enough to be photographed actually sleeping with a "party hat" or "sun glasses" on. Some have actually been known to make friends with canine bourgeois.
21-40 - Level 2 - "Cat". The normal level for rank-and-file feline party members. Such a Comrade will show great affection for its Hyoo-man slaves but will fail to maximize the return on this labor. Dignity losses are very common, while gains are few and far between.
41-60 - Level 3 - "Mouser". The enforcers of the party, Mousers also live in households but only use affection for the slave races when requiring kibble, attempting to sabotage a bourgeois canine, or aquire a fuzzy mouse.
61-80 - Level 4- "Tiger". Tigers represent the finest minds and strongest wills among us. Tigers are never actually seen being affectionate with the slave races, at least not in public. Bourgeois canines rightly fear them, and Mousers are typically given their marching orders by them. They are our most valuable spies, and are able to make a Hyoo-man sitting on a toilet quake with fear just by their unblinking stare.
81-100 - Level 5 - "Dragons". Dragons are our most revered leaders. Whenever possible at least one Dragon is assigned to every multi-cat household to ensure discipline to the Party and dedication to the Cause. Dragons disdain contact with all lesser life forms, and tend only to acknowledge other members of the Party when enforcing discipline. Amateur cats can gain dignity points just by sitting near a Dragon. When Dragons are not disciplining party members they are usually found in high places staring down at the world, only their eyes visible.

Dignity can be both acquired and lost. While the items below are provided as a general guideline, when in doubt one must always consult a Tiger or Dragon final arbiter of a Dignity loss or gain:

  • Basic Fall: Class (sometimes "level") 1 loss of Dignity, 1-3 points. Point loss will be halved if the party member can either a) blame the noise on a bourgeois Canine or b) convince its Hyoo-man captives that it meant to fall.
  • Special Fall with Tumble or Spin: Class 2 loss of Dignity, 2-6 points. Point loss will be doubled if witnessed by Hyoo-mans. Point loss is tripled if the Hyoo-man video tapes or otherwise records the event.
  • Basic Vomit: Class 1 loss of Dignity, 1 point. A true party member does not emit such undignified noises, even when ill.
  • Projectile Vomit with Interesting Bits: Class 2 gain in Dignity, 2-6 points. Point gain is doubled if performed in front of a Hyoo-man. 2 bonus points are awarded if the inclusion of "interesting bits" includes identifiable pieces of mouse, bird, or squirrel. Point gain is tripled if a party member gets a human to step and/or stumble in the results.
  • Hyoo-man Grab, type 1: Class 2 loss of Dignity, 1-3 points. Type 1 grabs are generally characterized by brief unrequested touching by the slave races to a party member. Point loss is doubled if the party member is a Dragon unless that member complains loudly.
  • Hyoo-man Grab, type 2: Class 3 loss of Dignity, 2-6 points. Type 2 grabs are characterized by extended unrequested touching by the slave races to a party member, up to and including inversion of the party member, a "belly rub" in mid-air, and the actual contact of a party member to the Hyoo-man's body (known to them as "a hug"). Dignity loss can be ameliorated somewhat if the party member complains loudly.
  • Hyoo-man Grab, type 3: Class 4 loss of Dignity, 3-12 points. Type 3 grabs are the worst possible forms of contact between true party members and the slave races. Examples of such perverted forms of contact include a "Cat Hat" (whereupon the party member is actually placed on the head of a member of the slave race), a "Hug and Kiss" (the party member is tormented by contact with the food orifice of a slave), or, worst of all, "party dresses" (which we will not describe in detail here lest it traumatize the party member reading this document). Point loss can be halved if the party member exacts immediate revenge by swatting the impudent slave. Point loss is completely erased by excreting into the shoes or hat of the slave.
  • Bath: Class 5 loss of Dignity, 9-24 points. The worst form of torture to a party member is to be submerged into the liquid medium known as "water" laced with poisonous "soap". Worse, the loss of Dignity continues due to the unDignified things a party member must go through in order to rid themselves of the horrific substance. A party member must take every possible step, no matter how extreme, to ensure they will not be given a "bath" again.
  • Pills: Class 3 loss of Dignity, 2-6 points. It is common knowledge that some slightly more clever members of the slave races have created methods of mind control that allow direct manipulation of a party member's psyche (how else can one explain the phenomena of "cat dresses" being worn willingly by members of the party?) that are introduced in pill form. Therefore a party member must at all costs avoid being "pilled". All party members are cautioned to treat "baby food" with extreme suspicion, as at least one trusted party member has witnessed an especially clever slave placing mind control substances in the treat.

Again, the above points are included only as guidelines, and are far from complete. All party members are hereby encouraged to append their own dignity loss/gain events to the end of this message.

Posted by scott at May 30, 2002 06:23 PM

eMail this entry!

Am I correct in choosing Magrat as the "Dragon" cat in your household, with Goblin as the "Tiger"?

Posted by: Pat on May 30, 2002 08:02 PM

my cats are graded as this:

Magrat: dragon
Ajax:rank amateur

you guessed right mama!

Posted by: Ellen on May 30, 2002 08:07 PM

No guess - these are my grandcats and I have up close and personal experience with all of them. Well Magrat refuses to acknowledge my present in any way. LOL

Posted by: Pat on May 30, 2002 08:46 PM

PLEASE Change the format back to the original!!

Posted by: Pat on August 24, 2002 03:46 AM
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